.
.
I'm not seeing a way through. So, for the first time in memory, I am going to try to make my own path. To that end, I roasted a chuck roast the other day to feed up, then roasted enough chicken to see me through a few days of good solid eating. I got a shower in today, and the phone is charged. I plan on another shower, then a trip to town tonight to tend shopping needs. Perhaps tomorrow afternoon, or the day after as I can't make promises yet, I will go in and get my friend out of his place. I don't know if it will work, but there it is. Oh, and I need to get back on medicine. Tonight or tomorrow I will be resetting my medi-set.
I just don't have what it takes. Everything I do is a major effort. While I enjoy the games, they actually become more like work as I go to the higher levels and try to carve out specific plans. I tend to think games do enhance intelligence, if they are played at the harder levels and without cheats. No pain no gain works for the mind as much as it works for the body, and hard game modes are painful at times. The games don't add to my life in some ways, and yet that create something I can do in my time, at my pace, and at the level of difficulty I am prepared to participate with.
I best get going. A bit more gaming, then a shower and to town. I don't know how well it will work just forcing things. But at this point it is as much as I can do and the only option I have. I am absolutely tired of being sick and tired! :P Life is still good, it just has no meaning currently. I'd like to fix that.
Later.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Oh, right. I am still in here, are you still out there?
.
.
Time flies when you aren't aware. Last I knew it was... the 25th? Yeah. Now it's already the 17th or 18th or something. I think I've been out of the house once in that time, maybe twice. I've been out of soda for days, that always gives me huge headaches. I'm almost out of tobacco. I buy tobacco for two months at a time now, when I can. Running out of that and not being able to get out is really harsh, especially when added to the effects of caffeine withdrawal. Never mind.
My friend has called a number of times. My lady friend called too. Lots of email. I couldn't have answered or read, my phone has been dead for... a week, two? Just not on things right now. The phone still isn't charged enough to use yet but I am not ready to get out in any case. I hope to sneak out in the next day or night or two to take care of my own stuff first, as I don't have what it takes, atm, to shop for myself and help my friend browse at the same time. If I take care of my needs first, then I can go in and just let him go where he wants and get what he needs or wants.
Gaming is going well. The game I am playing is non-linear and a bit buggy. It's a fantastic game but it has it's drawbacks. What I mean when I say non-linear is that missions can be done in a large number of orders which makes going back to replay something very difficult unless you save after every mission and catalog the saves somehow, as you don't get to name the saves. It's not perfectly designed, either, in that if you do the missions one way, you may not get something. And more, the way to "win" doesn't always work. The gameplay is fun, and varied though.
I took a shower today. Absolutely wonderful things, showers that is. I am sure a bath would be even better but you have to draw it, then figure out how to keep it hot, and... all that stuff. I'm not sure why women love baths as much as they seem to do? It seems like a lot of work to my mind. Or at least a lot of fuss. Hmm, they don't have to stand? I dunno. Then again, like I have any real clue about the human female mind. Though I have come to suspect that they rarely have a grasp of their own mind, wants, and needs either. How did I get on the subject of women? Bah!
Later.
.
Time flies when you aren't aware. Last I knew it was... the 25th? Yeah. Now it's already the 17th or 18th or something. I think I've been out of the house once in that time, maybe twice. I've been out of soda for days, that always gives me huge headaches. I'm almost out of tobacco. I buy tobacco for two months at a time now, when I can. Running out of that and not being able to get out is really harsh, especially when added to the effects of caffeine withdrawal. Never mind.
My friend has called a number of times. My lady friend called too. Lots of email. I couldn't have answered or read, my phone has been dead for... a week, two? Just not on things right now. The phone still isn't charged enough to use yet but I am not ready to get out in any case. I hope to sneak out in the next day or night or two to take care of my own stuff first, as I don't have what it takes, atm, to shop for myself and help my friend browse at the same time. If I take care of my needs first, then I can go in and just let him go where he wants and get what he needs or wants.
Gaming is going well. The game I am playing is non-linear and a bit buggy. It's a fantastic game but it has it's drawbacks. What I mean when I say non-linear is that missions can be done in a large number of orders which makes going back to replay something very difficult unless you save after every mission and catalog the saves somehow, as you don't get to name the saves. It's not perfectly designed, either, in that if you do the missions one way, you may not get something. And more, the way to "win" doesn't always work. The gameplay is fun, and varied though.
I took a shower today. Absolutely wonderful things, showers that is. I am sure a bath would be even better but you have to draw it, then figure out how to keep it hot, and... all that stuff. I'm not sure why women love baths as much as they seem to do? It seems like a lot of work to my mind. Or at least a lot of fuss. Hmm, they don't have to stand? I dunno. Then again, like I have any real clue about the human female mind. Though I have come to suspect that they rarely have a grasp of their own mind, wants, and needs either. How did I get on the subject of women? Bah!
Later.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Weird.
.
.
Despite not knowing the day of the week, or... much else regarding the outside world, I have been eating fairly well. And, somehow, losing significant belly size. I'm slimming down. I haven't been this "slim" since I first became ill. Though, to be fair, much of the medicine I have been asked to take caused weight gain, and further the real cause of my illness caused me to gain water weight excessively. Still, it is fantastic to be slimming down, if my clothes, even the newer smaller clothes, are beginning to seem more like gunny sacks than clothes. I still weigh 270, so it doesn't make sense. I guess it is all a matter of were you lose and what you lose.
I haven't been able to get to anything, pretty much. Gaming, still, continues. And I play incredibly long spells. I quit the gaming and I just end up sleeping and even more confused, so I will keep it. Medicines... I keep dropping off that. I just don't understand. It used to be easy to take. I need to reset the medicine container and begin trying it again. As I said, I have been eating. Two meals a "day", and decent meals. They are neither too big, mostly, nor too small. I can't keep up with the six meal a day thing, but when I can I will get back to that. Just a bite, now and again. Never hungry, never full. But it is a high maintenance operation when you add in shopping, prep, cooking, and cleaning. Fruits just don't do it for me, even when paired with peanut butter or something.
I absolutely destroy games. Now, I don't get every last detail known, and how it functions. But for using (mostly) unscientific methods, I learn how to crack a game open, rip it apart, and assemble the play to my liking within (and sometimes outside a bit) of the design. While it is not profitable, I learn nothing functionally useful for the world in general in real terms, and some other problems, it does give me problems I can solve given the energy I have. It gives me something nearly real to do. And it keeps me out of that FUCKING bed. Sorry. I just hate being bed-bound. I hate being even more down and out, confused, in pain.
I'm thinking about life. I just don't have a way back to it. But it is good. I'm not in bed and I don't think my health is deteriorating. I think diabetes is on the retreat as well. Later.
.
Despite not knowing the day of the week, or... much else regarding the outside world, I have been eating fairly well. And, somehow, losing significant belly size. I'm slimming down. I haven't been this "slim" since I first became ill. Though, to be fair, much of the medicine I have been asked to take caused weight gain, and further the real cause of my illness caused me to gain water weight excessively. Still, it is fantastic to be slimming down, if my clothes, even the newer smaller clothes, are beginning to seem more like gunny sacks than clothes. I still weigh 270, so it doesn't make sense. I guess it is all a matter of were you lose and what you lose.
I haven't been able to get to anything, pretty much. Gaming, still, continues. And I play incredibly long spells. I quit the gaming and I just end up sleeping and even more confused, so I will keep it. Medicines... I keep dropping off that. I just don't understand. It used to be easy to take. I need to reset the medicine container and begin trying it again. As I said, I have been eating. Two meals a "day", and decent meals. They are neither too big, mostly, nor too small. I can't keep up with the six meal a day thing, but when I can I will get back to that. Just a bite, now and again. Never hungry, never full. But it is a high maintenance operation when you add in shopping, prep, cooking, and cleaning. Fruits just don't do it for me, even when paired with peanut butter or something.
I absolutely destroy games. Now, I don't get every last detail known, and how it functions. But for using (mostly) unscientific methods, I learn how to crack a game open, rip it apart, and assemble the play to my liking within (and sometimes outside a bit) of the design. While it is not profitable, I learn nothing functionally useful for the world in general in real terms, and some other problems, it does give me problems I can solve given the energy I have. It gives me something nearly real to do. And it keeps me out of that FUCKING bed. Sorry. I just hate being bed-bound. I hate being even more down and out, confused, in pain.
I'm thinking about life. I just don't have a way back to it. But it is good. I'm not in bed and I don't think my health is deteriorating. I think diabetes is on the retreat as well. Later.
Friday, February 10, 2012
A fluke. Bah!
.
.
The few good days I had seem to have been more of a kind accident than a path forward. My days and nights are all messed up again. I've fallen and hard. At least the game keeps me occupied, so that I am not sleeping all of the time. And, yes, that is a nice thing. When you sleep for many hours a day, or even days on end, the world seriously gets out of control.
I am continuing medicines and food, mostly. Dishes are, of course, becoming a problem again. Well, and laundry, neatness, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, KoC work, other efforts. It's all conspiring to... not get done. I have been feeding the cats, too. Though I really need to change the litter boxes. I simply can't quite think myself to action. I don't have that vital something. I had hoped getting out would do it. I hoped too that the tree work (little of it that I did) would shake me up. Nope. I really just want to sleep. I don't even want to play the stupid game. How odd, having to force yourself to play video games? As a gamer?
I never said it would make sense. I try to make sense, but my world, my reality, they don't work out no matter how well designed the equation. My heart should have given out long ago. And my sanity, from being falsely accused of being mentally ill, should have collapsed. I shouldn't be able to do the things I can do. I shouldn't be able to even scrape by on my own. Should, could, would, all have meanings. In my world though those meanings are suspended.
Still trying to angle toward recovery. I just don't have anything to grasp at that might get me there at this time. There is no window. I am just here. Never mind, this will pass. Good night or day or something like that.
.
The few good days I had seem to have been more of a kind accident than a path forward. My days and nights are all messed up again. I've fallen and hard. At least the game keeps me occupied, so that I am not sleeping all of the time. And, yes, that is a nice thing. When you sleep for many hours a day, or even days on end, the world seriously gets out of control.
I am continuing medicines and food, mostly. Dishes are, of course, becoming a problem again. Well, and laundry, neatness, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, KoC work, other efforts. It's all conspiring to... not get done. I have been feeding the cats, too. Though I really need to change the litter boxes. I simply can't quite think myself to action. I don't have that vital something. I had hoped getting out would do it. I hoped too that the tree work (little of it that I did) would shake me up. Nope. I really just want to sleep. I don't even want to play the stupid game. How odd, having to force yourself to play video games? As a gamer?
I never said it would make sense. I try to make sense, but my world, my reality, they don't work out no matter how well designed the equation. My heart should have given out long ago. And my sanity, from being falsely accused of being mentally ill, should have collapsed. I shouldn't be able to do the things I can do. I shouldn't be able to even scrape by on my own. Should, could, would, all have meanings. In my world though those meanings are suspended.
Still trying to angle toward recovery. I just don't have anything to grasp at that might get me there at this time. There is no window. I am just here. Never mind, this will pass. Good night or day or something like that.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Getting back on my feet.
.
.
Two days, two goals. Done. I didn't get to Church again today, but I wasn't sure that was possible anyway. I seem to be doing a bit better, a lot better. Tomorrow the goal is to make it to Mass, go swimming for the first time, and then visit my friend. I have checked for a price for another pistol he wants to buy. I might be able to get him a slightly better price through my contacts. New, all else same-same, it is just that the seller is pretty much simply not looking for profit and has no overhead.
Not much else in the news here. Good night.
.
Two days, two goals. Done. I didn't get to Church again today, but I wasn't sure that was possible anyway. I seem to be doing a bit better, a lot better. Tomorrow the goal is to make it to Mass, go swimming for the first time, and then visit my friend. I have checked for a price for another pistol he wants to buy. I might be able to get him a slightly better price through my contacts. New, all else same-same, it is just that the seller is pretty much simply not looking for profit and has no overhead.
Not much else in the news here. Good night.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Awake and in time?
.
.
I am awake and considering Mass. It is just a matter of watching the clock closely enough that a shower and getting dressed in time. It's a minor trick for most of you, a major one for me at times. Alarms don't really work, not when I am like this. It's more a matter of having the strength of mind to remain focused. It's a goal. No more than that. I can't allow myself to become too upset about missing a goal, it then just comes to focusing on the next goal should I succeed or fail.
For the next three days, today included, I have timed events. Oh, and I just received an appointment card for the 7th to top those things off. As well, I hope my goggles arrive in time to begin swimming on the 5th. Every other day with swimming, along with Mass mostly. Thankfully gas prices have dropped just a bit.
I have been keeping up on eating, but the kitchen needs some... work. So that goes though. Between food and medicine I have been able to keep from simply not being for a while. An empty husk I may be, but aware enough and with some memory. I at least know I have missed something. Crazy from lame, I suppose. Still it's better to coast than free-fall.
I really want to get that automatic cat litter box. That would make me and the cats very happy. Automation, it's your friend. Gaming is going well. You really don't learn much from them, not even how to play the next game. What I would love is a game that actually requires you to learn math and science facts in a functional manner. I think people would be surprised how well that went over. Seriously, calc and physics based games where you have to use the basics to launch attacks, or figure out puzzles. I'd buy it, I just can't write it. No fudging though. Engineering students (gamers) would eat it up.
Best get going. Later.
.
I am awake and considering Mass. It is just a matter of watching the clock closely enough that a shower and getting dressed in time. It's a minor trick for most of you, a major one for me at times. Alarms don't really work, not when I am like this. It's more a matter of having the strength of mind to remain focused. It's a goal. No more than that. I can't allow myself to become too upset about missing a goal, it then just comes to focusing on the next goal should I succeed or fail.
For the next three days, today included, I have timed events. Oh, and I just received an appointment card for the 7th to top those things off. As well, I hope my goggles arrive in time to begin swimming on the 5th. Every other day with swimming, along with Mass mostly. Thankfully gas prices have dropped just a bit.
I have been keeping up on eating, but the kitchen needs some... work. So that goes though. Between food and medicine I have been able to keep from simply not being for a while. An empty husk I may be, but aware enough and with some memory. I at least know I have missed something. Crazy from lame, I suppose. Still it's better to coast than free-fall.
I really want to get that automatic cat litter box. That would make me and the cats very happy. Automation, it's your friend. Gaming is going well. You really don't learn much from them, not even how to play the next game. What I would love is a game that actually requires you to learn math and science facts in a functional manner. I think people would be surprised how well that went over. Seriously, calc and physics based games where you have to use the basics to launch attacks, or figure out puzzles. I'd buy it, I just can't write it. No fudging though. Engineering students (gamers) would eat it up.
Best get going. Later.
Perfect, perhaps not.
.
.
But I am off my butt. At least for today. My friend called, but he has been calling for a few days, off and on, I think. Yeah, yeah, I heard the calls. No one was home. Just because I hear it doesn't mean I can do a thing about it. It busts me up too. It reminds me of those times when I was truly torn up in a hospital somewhere, lying on my back, and the phone would ring. I really am no better at answering the damned thing now than then. At least it gives me a goal. It is real, somehow. Oh, and I finally got in and joined the gym. Just for the pool at the moment. But that could change.
I keep looking at the chainsaws. The man that came and cut the tree had the exact one I am considering, a Husqvarna 455 Rancher. He takes about eight trees a year, he would guess. And he likes it quite well. He said that or a Stihl. After a bit of research, it was suggested that either would be fine, if there was a local dealership and repair shop. So, a bit of digging and? I find a repair shop for each, locally. More than that, I find a shop that sells and services both brands. A good place to visit, don't you think? I have a lot of wood to dice up and more branches to bring down. And I might know a way to it.
More than that, plans are in the works. I have a Mass to attend tomorrow. Don't know how, I just know I have to get there. It's making it on time, I have no... measure or rhythm that allows me to... gauge time? I don't see it coming or going. It would be like you, while drifting at sea after a few weeks, to be able to see a wave and then touch it, or... something crazy like that. Anyway, Mass tomorrow. Then catching a football game, the game, with my friend in Logan on Sunday, and maybe another Mass. No, I just like to go to Mass. I really do, I am simply fettered.
As well, I have an appointment for a haircut next Thursday and a meal two Wednesdays from now, so about two and a half weeks away. I invited the man who cut the limb, and his wife. I hope to have the wood cut up for him by then, and my home cleaned. Ugh! And, swimming Monday, along with Mass and taking my friend out to shoot one of his pistols. He is getting 'shooting cranky'. It's almost as bad as a young man not getting any female attention. As well, I need to get going on some KoC affairs and making appointments with the V.A. I clean missed two of those. I saw them coming, sort of. And I saw that I had passed them. Like the wave to the sea-blind man, I could not touch them, couldn't even see them as real. Yeah, yeah. Believe me, I try.
So, plans and more plans. Some things done, more to do. So be it. I will do what I can. This crazy lameness has gone on far too long. Hup! Go, go, go! *shhhh* Just... do it while they aren't watching.
.
But I am off my butt. At least for today. My friend called, but he has been calling for a few days, off and on, I think. Yeah, yeah, I heard the calls. No one was home. Just because I hear it doesn't mean I can do a thing about it. It busts me up too. It reminds me of those times when I was truly torn up in a hospital somewhere, lying on my back, and the phone would ring. I really am no better at answering the damned thing now than then. At least it gives me a goal. It is real, somehow. Oh, and I finally got in and joined the gym. Just for the pool at the moment. But that could change.
I keep looking at the chainsaws. The man that came and cut the tree had the exact one I am considering, a Husqvarna 455 Rancher. He takes about eight trees a year, he would guess. And he likes it quite well. He said that or a Stihl. After a bit of research, it was suggested that either would be fine, if there was a local dealership and repair shop. So, a bit of digging and? I find a repair shop for each, locally. More than that, I find a shop that sells and services both brands. A good place to visit, don't you think? I have a lot of wood to dice up and more branches to bring down. And I might know a way to it.
More than that, plans are in the works. I have a Mass to attend tomorrow. Don't know how, I just know I have to get there. It's making it on time, I have no... measure or rhythm that allows me to... gauge time? I don't see it coming or going. It would be like you, while drifting at sea after a few weeks, to be able to see a wave and then touch it, or... something crazy like that. Anyway, Mass tomorrow. Then catching a football game, the game, with my friend in Logan on Sunday, and maybe another Mass. No, I just like to go to Mass. I really do, I am simply fettered.
As well, I have an appointment for a haircut next Thursday and a meal two Wednesdays from now, so about two and a half weeks away. I invited the man who cut the limb, and his wife. I hope to have the wood cut up for him by then, and my home cleaned. Ugh! And, swimming Monday, along with Mass and taking my friend out to shoot one of his pistols. He is getting 'shooting cranky'. It's almost as bad as a young man not getting any female attention. As well, I need to get going on some KoC affairs and making appointments with the V.A. I clean missed two of those. I saw them coming, sort of. And I saw that I had passed them. Like the wave to the sea-blind man, I could not touch them, couldn't even see them as real. Yeah, yeah. Believe me, I try.
So, plans and more plans. Some things done, more to do. So be it. I will do what I can. This crazy lameness has gone on far too long. Hup! Go, go, go! *shhhh* Just... do it while they aren't watching.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Alive and... something.
.
.
Life is simply moving forward, pretty much without me. No serious problems, mostly. The things that exist are beyond my ability to manage at the moment, little and big things. I am, for the most part, back on a day schedule, for what it matters. I am pretty much just alive, not quite living. I wish I could say it was the gaming. The gaming is helping me to regulate my days and stay awake. When I don't play I simply end up sleeping long cycles, running into days.
I would still like to figure out how to set up the 'day lamp'. It is not that it takes a great deal of effort, but it means making choices, creating space, figuring out how to plug it in, minor things that attack my fragile consciousness like mosquitoes attacking my body in heavily wooded swampy areas.
I'm working on working on things. I am back on my medicines, after many tries. The last week has seen to regular taking of medicine. I don't take it perfectly, sometimes remembering later in the day to take my "morning" dose, and then taking my evening dose shortly following. That is as good as I have been able to do in quite some time. The medicine, at times, will help me take it simply through whatever it does for me. Not now. It is a struggle.
I may need to buy a chain saw. A very large limb came down out back. Further, I may need to learn a bit about electricity and risk turning off electricity. The branch snagged one of the power lines to one of the outbuildings. This whole process will be somewhat risky. The missionaries plan to help. Just having someone around in case I... do something else exciting and interesting will be good. At least they could call 911 for an evac.
Enough for now. Just letting you know that I am alive. Later.
.
Life is simply moving forward, pretty much without me. No serious problems, mostly. The things that exist are beyond my ability to manage at the moment, little and big things. I am, for the most part, back on a day schedule, for what it matters. I am pretty much just alive, not quite living. I wish I could say it was the gaming. The gaming is helping me to regulate my days and stay awake. When I don't play I simply end up sleeping long cycles, running into days.
I would still like to figure out how to set up the 'day lamp'. It is not that it takes a great deal of effort, but it means making choices, creating space, figuring out how to plug it in, minor things that attack my fragile consciousness like mosquitoes attacking my body in heavily wooded swampy areas.
I'm working on working on things. I am back on my medicines, after many tries. The last week has seen to regular taking of medicine. I don't take it perfectly, sometimes remembering later in the day to take my "morning" dose, and then taking my evening dose shortly following. That is as good as I have been able to do in quite some time. The medicine, at times, will help me take it simply through whatever it does for me. Not now. It is a struggle.
I may need to buy a chain saw. A very large limb came down out back. Further, I may need to learn a bit about electricity and risk turning off electricity. The branch snagged one of the power lines to one of the outbuildings. This whole process will be somewhat risky. The missionaries plan to help. Just having someone around in case I... do something else exciting and interesting will be good. At least they could call 911 for an evac.
Enough for now. Just letting you know that I am alive. Later.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Clear skies.
.
.
And, actually, very little snow on the ground. Much of it melted. The ground here just wasn't cold enough to pile the snow on, with the rain for the last few days softening and warming it all up. It, thankfully, doesn't look too slick either. I really enjoy having mountains to look out my window. More the reason to open my curtains.
I slept until about 6:00. My sleep is not very satisfying lately. No matter. I am eating and sleeping much more regularly, even if I don't feel like it. Something odd I am finding is that, in my games, the periods where my reflexes are the fastest have no correlation with how I feel. Whether I feel very tired or not, that is, I can be at my best. I don't understand that at all. I would have thought that when I am very tired feeling that I would also not be fast in the game. I really don't understand this illness. Now, when I am tired, I don't always feel like playing, but sometimes I do anyway. Which is why, in part, I am a gamer. It eats time, it keeps me somewhat more functional, and really... it keeps me out of bed. I hate being bed-bound. I hate it when I can't stay up.
I think I need a nap, so morning Mass is probably out. I don't mind naps, if I can keep them to just an hour or two. It is when they begin to take over my days and stretch for many hours, ruining my work and changing my schedule around that "naps" become a problem. And, fight it as I may, often it matters little. If I have to sleep then I have to sleep. I don't have any tools to fight that at times. I just wish the medicines, now that I am back on them more regularly, might help more. It might be the diabetes kicking back in though too. The V.A. finally sent those. They must have realized I hadn't picked them up (they sent the scripts to a local pharmacy, but though it was on my list, I simply couldn't be there, on time, to get them, in a timely fashion). I still haven't started those.
You would think that it is quite easy to just add a medicine to a routine. Odd as it seems, that isn't as easy for me as it might seem. I have to think about it. Do I really want to take this stuff? After the decision is made, then I have to find the stuff, and then I have to add it to my medicine set. Being that everything moves slowly when I'm in this kind of a funk, it just... doesn't happen. Well, until it does happen. I need to reset my medicine-set, and I have decided to take them, so it should be on the schedule tomorrow... a month after they were prescribed? *sigh* I really do try.
Oh! The sun just rose above the mountains to the east. What an absolutely beautiful morning. Perhaps God just wants me to see a little more beauty, to realize a little more love, and to buy a bit better property with minor suffering before I go? It is nice, even in my odd little sad ways, to finally actually enjoy this life. I won't mind trading it for heaven, but I'll take what I get for as long as it is mine to have. Good day.
P.S. I haven't been editing lately. I just don't have the juice. So if it looks bad, reading here, that is why. I can't focus.
.
And, actually, very little snow on the ground. Much of it melted. The ground here just wasn't cold enough to pile the snow on, with the rain for the last few days softening and warming it all up. It, thankfully, doesn't look too slick either. I really enjoy having mountains to look out my window. More the reason to open my curtains.
I slept until about 6:00. My sleep is not very satisfying lately. No matter. I am eating and sleeping much more regularly, even if I don't feel like it. Something odd I am finding is that, in my games, the periods where my reflexes are the fastest have no correlation with how I feel. Whether I feel very tired or not, that is, I can be at my best. I don't understand that at all. I would have thought that when I am very tired feeling that I would also not be fast in the game. I really don't understand this illness. Now, when I am tired, I don't always feel like playing, but sometimes I do anyway. Which is why, in part, I am a gamer. It eats time, it keeps me somewhat more functional, and really... it keeps me out of bed. I hate being bed-bound. I hate it when I can't stay up.
I think I need a nap, so morning Mass is probably out. I don't mind naps, if I can keep them to just an hour or two. It is when they begin to take over my days and stretch for many hours, ruining my work and changing my schedule around that "naps" become a problem. And, fight it as I may, often it matters little. If I have to sleep then I have to sleep. I don't have any tools to fight that at times. I just wish the medicines, now that I am back on them more regularly, might help more. It might be the diabetes kicking back in though too. The V.A. finally sent those. They must have realized I hadn't picked them up (they sent the scripts to a local pharmacy, but though it was on my list, I simply couldn't be there, on time, to get them, in a timely fashion). I still haven't started those.
You would think that it is quite easy to just add a medicine to a routine. Odd as it seems, that isn't as easy for me as it might seem. I have to think about it. Do I really want to take this stuff? After the decision is made, then I have to find the stuff, and then I have to add it to my medicine set. Being that everything moves slowly when I'm in this kind of a funk, it just... doesn't happen. Well, until it does happen. I need to reset my medicine-set, and I have decided to take them, so it should be on the schedule tomorrow... a month after they were prescribed? *sigh* I really do try.
Oh! The sun just rose above the mountains to the east. What an absolutely beautiful morning. Perhaps God just wants me to see a little more beauty, to realize a little more love, and to buy a bit better property with minor suffering before I go? It is nice, even in my odd little sad ways, to finally actually enjoy this life. I won't mind trading it for heaven, but I'll take what I get for as long as it is mine to have. Good day.
P.S. I haven't been editing lately. I just don't have the juice. So if it looks bad, reading here, that is why. I can't focus.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Snow, heavy snow.
.
.
After several days of rain we are finally getting snow. On my way to town, I went the way south first. There were places were water was overrunning the road. Not quite enough to stop traffic, enough to slow it a great deal though. Luckily, I hit the first of those when I was at a slower speed, and so started watching for them. Hitting one of those at speed would be a serious wake-up call, very possibly a serious accident. I slowed it down a great deal after that. I would say it might have been deep enough to put a small car out of action, perhaps as deep as six inches and up to 15 feet long, perhaps more. On the way back I took the other way. By then it had changed from rain to snow. Slick too. There was one place I really needed my Iowa driving skills, even with 4-high, out of over-drive, and going only 45mph. It looks like the snow machine is trying to make up for the lack of snow so far and all at once.
Because of the slow down in traffic, there was no way I was going to get my friend shopping and make it to Church. So, tomorrow, either in the morning or afternoon, I need to make it to Church. I need to get back to going on weekdays too. My problem is exhaustion.
I have nearly finished the dishes. I think I have a pot that I mixed the spaghetti in, for heating, earlier, and a few other items. Very little is left. Then I need to clean the kitchen and do laundry, finish it anyway. The exhaustion is excruciating right now. While the medicines seem to help, in full winter they have a limited ability to help. I really need to get the day-lamp set up and begin using it. I never gave it a chance before because I never could quite figure out where to set it up. That isn't a problem this time. I pray that it works. I need something to help, the medicines just aren't cutting it. And the threat of falling off them again, simply due to a lack of ability to stay even modestly functional, is real. It says a lot for medicine if I am seriously trying to take them.
My waterproof mp3 player arrived today. I won't be setting it up until tomorrow or... later. I knew, being an Apple, I would be ripped off by being forced to use the Apple store, but it was the best of options as far as an mp3 player for swimming and working out more generally. I prefer Zune, which allowed anything to be put on the player. But that simply wasn't available. Never mind, this should do. My shoes have been shipped too. I can't wait to try those. I hope they work. Novel, but also... interesting. I often will use my heels to walk, but prefer the barefoot style of motation, using the palms of my feet to get around on. These shoes were designed for the latter style of walking. It's why my calves are so well defined.
I believe I am about ready to crash. I simply can't stay awake much longer. Up at 8:00, down by 20:00? Ugh, not the best, but in the condition I am in, that may be as good as it gets. Good night.
.
After several days of rain we are finally getting snow. On my way to town, I went the way south first. There were places were water was overrunning the road. Not quite enough to stop traffic, enough to slow it a great deal though. Luckily, I hit the first of those when I was at a slower speed, and so started watching for them. Hitting one of those at speed would be a serious wake-up call, very possibly a serious accident. I slowed it down a great deal after that. I would say it might have been deep enough to put a small car out of action, perhaps as deep as six inches and up to 15 feet long, perhaps more. On the way back I took the other way. By then it had changed from rain to snow. Slick too. There was one place I really needed my Iowa driving skills, even with 4-high, out of over-drive, and going only 45mph. It looks like the snow machine is trying to make up for the lack of snow so far and all at once.
Because of the slow down in traffic, there was no way I was going to get my friend shopping and make it to Church. So, tomorrow, either in the morning or afternoon, I need to make it to Church. I need to get back to going on weekdays too. My problem is exhaustion.
I have nearly finished the dishes. I think I have a pot that I mixed the spaghetti in, for heating, earlier, and a few other items. Very little is left. Then I need to clean the kitchen and do laundry, finish it anyway. The exhaustion is excruciating right now. While the medicines seem to help, in full winter they have a limited ability to help. I really need to get the day-lamp set up and begin using it. I never gave it a chance before because I never could quite figure out where to set it up. That isn't a problem this time. I pray that it works. I need something to help, the medicines just aren't cutting it. And the threat of falling off them again, simply due to a lack of ability to stay even modestly functional, is real. It says a lot for medicine if I am seriously trying to take them.
My waterproof mp3 player arrived today. I won't be setting it up until tomorrow or... later. I knew, being an Apple, I would be ripped off by being forced to use the Apple store, but it was the best of options as far as an mp3 player for swimming and working out more generally. I prefer Zune, which allowed anything to be put on the player. But that simply wasn't available. Never mind, this should do. My shoes have been shipped too. I can't wait to try those. I hope they work. Novel, but also... interesting. I often will use my heels to walk, but prefer the barefoot style of motation, using the palms of my feet to get around on. These shoes were designed for the latter style of walking. It's why my calves are so well defined.
I believe I am about ready to crash. I simply can't stay awake much longer. Up at 8:00, down by 20:00? Ugh, not the best, but in the condition I am in, that may be as good as it gets. Good night.
The gamble.
.
.
Last night, while deciding whether to make food or not, I had to take a risk in the end. While I had done a few dishes, as a token promise, I wasn't sure if cooking and eating would end up putting more dishes in the longer term queue or whether the food would induce me to finish up the dishes, all of them, sooner rather than later. While I don't know if food helps, or if I just have good and bad days based on their own merits, such gambles are just that. It ends up that the food, if it does that, or if today is just a good day "because", I have finished most of the dishes.
As for lazy, I keep wondering about that. Can you be said to be lazy if you can't service your addiction? I have been out of tobacco for the last several days. Crazy as it makes me, I haven't been able to break out of my troubles and get to town. I promised my friend I would be to town today, and I would like to make it to Mass, but troubles are just that. If I can do that, either or both, I hope to get on laundry tonight, and maybe trash and kitty litter duty ahead of time this week.
Having a bit of food, right to hand, has been nice. It does seem to add a bit to life. And I suspect it helps with energy. It is a temporary thing though. Take it where you can get it. I best get going if I want to be in town in an hour or two. Have a good one.
.
Last night, while deciding whether to make food or not, I had to take a risk in the end. While I had done a few dishes, as a token promise, I wasn't sure if cooking and eating would end up putting more dishes in the longer term queue or whether the food would induce me to finish up the dishes, all of them, sooner rather than later. While I don't know if food helps, or if I just have good and bad days based on their own merits, such gambles are just that. It ends up that the food, if it does that, or if today is just a good day "because", I have finished most of the dishes.
As for lazy, I keep wondering about that. Can you be said to be lazy if you can't service your addiction? I have been out of tobacco for the last several days. Crazy as it makes me, I haven't been able to break out of my troubles and get to town. I promised my friend I would be to town today, and I would like to make it to Mass, but troubles are just that. If I can do that, either or both, I hope to get on laundry tonight, and maybe trash and kitty litter duty ahead of time this week.
Having a bit of food, right to hand, has been nice. It does seem to add a bit to life. And I suspect it helps with energy. It is a temporary thing though. Take it where you can get it. I best get going if I want to be in town in an hour or two. Have a good one.
Not bad.
.
.
To bed by 0:00, give or take, and up before 8:00 by one to twenty minutes. Sleep was good. Dreams of women, just flirtatious stuff but there was some serious mojo with it. As much as women drive me to distraction, I just can't turn my back on them. Unless I think they might do something interesting for when I turn back around to face them. Wow, how do women move so fast, sometimes. Never mind.
I wanted something to eat. Not that I was starving. I decided on a reheat of some of the spaghetti. That went down quite well. I won't say I make, or remix, the best spaghetti and sauce. I will say I do extremely well with what I have. Somethings get better, like chili, with some time for the ingredients to marry. With spaghetti, since the sauce it out of a jar it is pretty much "married" as is. But it doesn't get worse, either. A plate of that made for an excellent breakfast, with a side of cottage cheese. An absolute fantastic mix (avoid 'yogurt' tasting cottage cheese (and sour cream)).
I can't tell if it is just overcast or if the sun isn't quite up yet. Nor am I awake enough to really tell. I might look it up, out of curiosity. I hate it when I ask a question, and someone who just freshly looked it up right before I asks acts like they know something. To be honest, without your watch or other device, there is a good chance, on any particular day, you wouldn't know what day it is. How much do we honestly just know, how much do we only know where to go to find the answer. I think the answer to that will absolutely crush you. Take away your tools, take away programs, take away phones, take away calculators or data sets, now... do your job alone. We would fall into a pile of gibbering foolishness in days without electricity, and more so alone without it. Don't let anyone fool you, a minor incident could turn into the end of the world in days. All it would take is an incident, a minor one, and then a loss of faith (even if the authorities really were on the brink of fixing it). More so in this 'get-it-now', 'has-to-be-done-already-right?' population. Won't affect the country immediately. We are used to "hold your breath and wait, we'll be 'right there'" type of b.s. We have learned, often, to do it ourselves or skip it.
Of course, at some point, the city dwellers will begin heading to us. Some will be welcomed, but most will be what they already are, a pariah, a blight. They will not be welcomed. The more dangerous among them... will become pray. There are many of them but they aren't used to mosquitoes, their fancy shoes will not last in the winter, their belligerence might initially get them what they want but it will see them abandoned and avoided, a nearly impossible way to live. Turning to absolute criminal ways? More than a losing proposition. Even if they succeeded, being unhindered and undefeated, what socialist thieves worldwide have found is that if you steal from the productive and give to the unproductive, eventually you wipe out the economy. No matter the scale.
Blathering. Later.
.
To bed by 0:00, give or take, and up before 8:00 by one to twenty minutes. Sleep was good. Dreams of women, just flirtatious stuff but there was some serious mojo with it. As much as women drive me to distraction, I just can't turn my back on them. Unless I think they might do something interesting for when I turn back around to face them. Wow, how do women move so fast, sometimes. Never mind.
I wanted something to eat. Not that I was starving. I decided on a reheat of some of the spaghetti. That went down quite well. I won't say I make, or remix, the best spaghetti and sauce. I will say I do extremely well with what I have. Somethings get better, like chili, with some time for the ingredients to marry. With spaghetti, since the sauce it out of a jar it is pretty much "married" as is. But it doesn't get worse, either. A plate of that made for an excellent breakfast, with a side of cottage cheese. An absolute fantastic mix (avoid 'yogurt' tasting cottage cheese (and sour cream)).
I can't tell if it is just overcast or if the sun isn't quite up yet. Nor am I awake enough to really tell. I might look it up, out of curiosity. I hate it when I ask a question, and someone who just freshly looked it up right before I asks acts like they know something. To be honest, without your watch or other device, there is a good chance, on any particular day, you wouldn't know what day it is. How much do we honestly just know, how much do we only know where to go to find the answer. I think the answer to that will absolutely crush you. Take away your tools, take away programs, take away phones, take away calculators or data sets, now... do your job alone. We would fall into a pile of gibbering foolishness in days without electricity, and more so alone without it. Don't let anyone fool you, a minor incident could turn into the end of the world in days. All it would take is an incident, a minor one, and then a loss of faith (even if the authorities really were on the brink of fixing it). More so in this 'get-it-now', 'has-to-be-done-already-right?' population. Won't affect the country immediately. We are used to "hold your breath and wait, we'll be 'right there'" type of b.s. We have learned, often, to do it ourselves or skip it.
Of course, at some point, the city dwellers will begin heading to us. Some will be welcomed, but most will be what they already are, a pariah, a blight. They will not be welcomed. The more dangerous among them... will become pray. There are many of them but they aren't used to mosquitoes, their fancy shoes will not last in the winter, their belligerence might initially get them what they want but it will see them abandoned and avoided, a nearly impossible way to live. Turning to absolute criminal ways? More than a losing proposition. Even if they succeeded, being unhindered and undefeated, what socialist thieves worldwide have found is that if you steal from the productive and give to the unproductive, eventually you wipe out the economy. No matter the scale.
Blathering. Later.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Close enough.
.
.
I have been trying to simply do the dishes for days, weeks really. I nibble on bits of the task, now and again, and at least keep even, give or take. No more dishes are created than are washed. Well, I got just a little further ahead tonight. I have wanted spaghetti for a while. Something always goes wrong regarding having my friend over for dinner lately. And I was tired of waiting. Besides, I can have him over for spaghetti soon. This time I was able to add some of my beat-you-over-the-head cayenne. I don't think it is all that but most people who get a touch of it do. I love spicing my spaghetti sauce into the lower stratosphere. When I have my friend over, I will be nice... most likely. No, he really can't handle anything hotter than black pepper. Same with most people I know. If you think Tabasco is hot, you fit in this category (Tabasco is 4k on the scale, my cayenne is 90k, for proof and other examples click).
I did many more things than I dirtied. I didn't overeat, either. Well, for me. Then again, maintenance calories for me range between 2670 and 3160, or something like that. Well, if I was at all active. I would guess I should probably only eat between 2,100 and 2,500 calories a day. I simply don't do enough. I know food will not get me into activity. If I try to eat myself to success I will merely gain a ton of weight. I am broken. Now, if I eat a bit more when I happen to be able to be more active? That works, so long as I cut down when I begin to slide. Though I seem to lose my appetite in those times, so it's usually easy to back off.
Blathering. But I did stay up until 23:25! Youch, it is bedtime. I wondered why, reading this over, even I thought I was blathering! Good night.
.
I have been trying to simply do the dishes for days, weeks really. I nibble on bits of the task, now and again, and at least keep even, give or take. No more dishes are created than are washed. Well, I got just a little further ahead tonight. I have wanted spaghetti for a while. Something always goes wrong regarding having my friend over for dinner lately. And I was tired of waiting. Besides, I can have him over for spaghetti soon. This time I was able to add some of my beat-you-over-the-head cayenne. I don't think it is all that but most people who get a touch of it do. I love spicing my spaghetti sauce into the lower stratosphere. When I have my friend over, I will be nice... most likely. No, he really can't handle anything hotter than black pepper. Same with most people I know. If you think Tabasco is hot, you fit in this category (Tabasco is 4k on the scale, my cayenne is 90k, for proof and other examples click).
I did many more things than I dirtied. I didn't overeat, either. Well, for me. Then again, maintenance calories for me range between 2670 and 3160, or something like that. Well, if I was at all active. I would guess I should probably only eat between 2,100 and 2,500 calories a day. I simply don't do enough. I know food will not get me into activity. If I try to eat myself to success I will merely gain a ton of weight. I am broken. Now, if I eat a bit more when I happen to be able to be more active? That works, so long as I cut down when I begin to slide. Though I seem to lose my appetite in those times, so it's usually easy to back off.
Blathering. But I did stay up until 23:25! Youch, it is bedtime. I wondered why, reading this over, even I thought I was blathering! Good night.
Heart isn't all.
.
.
I went to bed at about 17:00 last night. Simply put, running from 1:00 in the morning onward, I ran clean out of gas. But fair enough. I slept until 4:00. A little bit of extra sleep, but if I am remembering correctly, I have been shaving a bit of sleep time while I shift my sleep patterns. Even if not, shifting my schedule takes a little extra energy. So I don't mind the extra sleep. I woke pain free for the first time in a while. My goals haven't changed and I would attempt them with or without pain anyway, it just makes it all just a little easier.
I noticed Vox writing something about slowing down as we age. He finds that seems to be the case in his games. Slowing down intellectually and reflexively past the age of, say, 45. My guess is? Bunk to a greater degree. Or at least, not severely and probably not for the reasons given. Most 45 year old men are in a relationship and a career. These things are given a great deal more weight at that age, as most are finally coming to realize that time is against them. While men of this age may begin slowing down, I believe it has more to do with their minds being more concentrated on a few more things than a younger man will concern himself with. Much like a computer with a faster chip and more memory, but with bloat-ware, it may seem that the cleaned slower chip and memory configuration somehow runs faster. It doesn't, it just isn't being taxed otherwise. Physically, of course, there is some slowing. But how much of that is due to the fact that most 45 year old and older men have found more efficient ways of doing things and so have ceased the practices that would have kept them that fast?
However, I notice that in gaming, sometimes I do try to take my time. Rather than rush in, or depend on reflexes, I depend on knowledge. I am sure at times that my reflexes are slower than what I would like. Then again, the games are meant to be right on the edge of human reflexes. Too, when I was younger, I would just fight through until I was out of too much, and hope I had saved recently enough with whatever resources I might need. Young guys are like that. It also leads to seemingly faster reflexes, yet I easily finish a game faster, and with more resources, than a young player generally will. Different game play and style, with different results, and for a reason. I wonder if most older gamers gravitate to a different play style? Is it because of autonomic reduction in speed or is it based on a more reasoned approach, or... both? Who knows.
I hope to actually get to some of my goals today. Then again, I've been working on getting to them for a while. The medicines are helping, but I seem to be weighed down with something else. Perhaps less sun really does beat me into the dirt. I have a sun lamp, I really should set that up this year and experiment with it. I, for obvious reasons, don't believe in anti-depressents, per se, but I do believe in using methods and equipment as possible tools to combat a physical phenomenon. If I can't figure things out, I may just get that device set up, right beside where I play my games, and let her rip. I hate being stuck in this no-man's land.
It is a beautiful day. I am at least up to doing some of my routine, to include opening the curtains. I shaved my beard. Wow is it white. I only have parts of the mustache, and that going on down into my beard, that are somewhat dark. I must look to be 60 with that thing on, save for the obvious strength of my body one would not know? Bah! I love my beard, I just didn't want to trim it this time and it has been warm, mostly. Well, and I need to get some pictures taken for the dating site. I am not going to have a goat looking beard on for those photos! I'll save the goat beard for a wedding present! :)
Have a great day. Later.
.
I went to bed at about 17:00 last night. Simply put, running from 1:00 in the morning onward, I ran clean out of gas. But fair enough. I slept until 4:00. A little bit of extra sleep, but if I am remembering correctly, I have been shaving a bit of sleep time while I shift my sleep patterns. Even if not, shifting my schedule takes a little extra energy. So I don't mind the extra sleep. I woke pain free for the first time in a while. My goals haven't changed and I would attempt them with or without pain anyway, it just makes it all just a little easier.
I noticed Vox writing something about slowing down as we age. He finds that seems to be the case in his games. Slowing down intellectually and reflexively past the age of, say, 45. My guess is? Bunk to a greater degree. Or at least, not severely and probably not for the reasons given. Most 45 year old men are in a relationship and a career. These things are given a great deal more weight at that age, as most are finally coming to realize that time is against them. While men of this age may begin slowing down, I believe it has more to do with their minds being more concentrated on a few more things than a younger man will concern himself with. Much like a computer with a faster chip and more memory, but with bloat-ware, it may seem that the cleaned slower chip and memory configuration somehow runs faster. It doesn't, it just isn't being taxed otherwise. Physically, of course, there is some slowing. But how much of that is due to the fact that most 45 year old and older men have found more efficient ways of doing things and so have ceased the practices that would have kept them that fast?
However, I notice that in gaming, sometimes I do try to take my time. Rather than rush in, or depend on reflexes, I depend on knowledge. I am sure at times that my reflexes are slower than what I would like. Then again, the games are meant to be right on the edge of human reflexes. Too, when I was younger, I would just fight through until I was out of too much, and hope I had saved recently enough with whatever resources I might need. Young guys are like that. It also leads to seemingly faster reflexes, yet I easily finish a game faster, and with more resources, than a young player generally will. Different game play and style, with different results, and for a reason. I wonder if most older gamers gravitate to a different play style? Is it because of autonomic reduction in speed or is it based on a more reasoned approach, or... both? Who knows.
I hope to actually get to some of my goals today. Then again, I've been working on getting to them for a while. The medicines are helping, but I seem to be weighed down with something else. Perhaps less sun really does beat me into the dirt. I have a sun lamp, I really should set that up this year and experiment with it. I, for obvious reasons, don't believe in anti-depressents, per se, but I do believe in using methods and equipment as possible tools to combat a physical phenomenon. If I can't figure things out, I may just get that device set up, right beside where I play my games, and let her rip. I hate being stuck in this no-man's land.
It is a beautiful day. I am at least up to doing some of my routine, to include opening the curtains. I shaved my beard. Wow is it white. I only have parts of the mustache, and that going on down into my beard, that are somewhat dark. I must look to be 60 with that thing on, save for the obvious strength of my body one would not know? Bah! I love my beard, I just didn't want to trim it this time and it has been warm, mostly. Well, and I need to get some pictures taken for the dating site. I am not going to have a goat looking beard on for those photos! I'll save the goat beard for a wedding present! :)
Have a great day. Later.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
A few more things.
.
.
My mother and my lady friend both called this morning. I surprised them both! I was awake AND I answered the phone. I hate it when I am up but the phone is in another room so that I don't hear it. Neither had a lot to say. My lady friend was a little disappointed that I didn't send her a birthday card. Fair enough, she always does. It is just that I scratched her birthday off my to-do list being that I sent her the gift... scratched it off in my mind. Yeah, no. I'll have to work on that. Then again, I wasn't in much shape to have remembered anyway. Hmm, perhaps I should buy a small stack of cards for various people I mean to send cards to. Yeah, when I get around to it. Hey, it's sort of fun.
I placed one final order with Amazon. Oddly, I was having difficulty even placing the order. For whatever reason, nothing I tried (if there were only two things to try) was working. I called their number again. Another Indian, but a guy, so I don't care if he was cute or not, looked into the matter. He said there was no problem, but I know there was. I don't know if he took something off or changed something, but after he cleared it to work on his computer, it then worked on mine. Odd, very odd.
I ordered the waterproof mp3 player, and headsets listed there, a band to hold the earplugs in place a bit better perhaps, some shoes for the pool/gym area (in the blue/gray camo), and corrected vision goggles for swimming. Yes, but I have been watching my money, closely. Mother. I haven't spent more than I intended, and still have enough to get me through the month. If I did spend down right to the limit, leaving just enough to eat, drive, and have a meal or two out.
Next, a few emails are about to be sent regarding KoC. Just business sorts of things. Then a quick trip to town. I will skip joining the gym until the first of the month (if I do have that money set aside, I just like starting on or close to the first of the month, for billing purposes, besides my gear won't be in until then). But I do want to look for the clerk of courts, and see if they keep the records in the office or if they keep court records in another building. It is time to do research. A little shopping may occur as well.
Slowly, ever so slowly, I am getting back on my feet. The curtains have been opened again as well. Odd how everything has to be just right for me to get to the things I like. Good day.
.
My mother and my lady friend both called this morning. I surprised them both! I was awake AND I answered the phone. I hate it when I am up but the phone is in another room so that I don't hear it. Neither had a lot to say. My lady friend was a little disappointed that I didn't send her a birthday card. Fair enough, she always does. It is just that I scratched her birthday off my to-do list being that I sent her the gift... scratched it off in my mind. Yeah, no. I'll have to work on that. Then again, I wasn't in much shape to have remembered anyway. Hmm, perhaps I should buy a small stack of cards for various people I mean to send cards to. Yeah, when I get around to it. Hey, it's sort of fun.
I placed one final order with Amazon. Oddly, I was having difficulty even placing the order. For whatever reason, nothing I tried (if there were only two things to try) was working. I called their number again. Another Indian, but a guy, so I don't care if he was cute or not, looked into the matter. He said there was no problem, but I know there was. I don't know if he took something off or changed something, but after he cleared it to work on his computer, it then worked on mine. Odd, very odd.
I ordered the waterproof mp3 player, and headsets listed there, a band to hold the earplugs in place a bit better perhaps, some shoes for the pool/gym area (in the blue/gray camo), and corrected vision goggles for swimming. Yes, but I have been watching my money, closely. Mother. I haven't spent more than I intended, and still have enough to get me through the month. If I did spend down right to the limit, leaving just enough to eat, drive, and have a meal or two out.
Next, a few emails are about to be sent regarding KoC. Just business sorts of things. Then a quick trip to town. I will skip joining the gym until the first of the month (if I do have that money set aside, I just like starting on or close to the first of the month, for billing purposes, besides my gear won't be in until then). But I do want to look for the clerk of courts, and see if they keep the records in the office or if they keep court records in another building. It is time to do research. A little shopping may occur as well.
Slowly, ever so slowly, I am getting back on my feet. The curtains have been opened again as well. Odd how everything has to be just right for me to get to the things I like. Good day.
While I am still up...
.
.
Going back to bed was a no-starter. The cats have been fed. Maybe dishes will finally be done. A few emails are about to go out. And I am hoping to have enough going to go to town. While I was sitting there, sitting there, I started thinking about food. Well, yes, I am hungry. Thank you. But, that isn't what crossed my mind. As I consider joining a gym, for swimming at the moment, I need to consider food. Now, I have been cutting down, well, before I simply stopped eating. Cutting meal size and increasing the number of meals. However I believe I really need to dig further.
Calorie counting is something I never had to do when I had better health. I was in my twenties though. If I want to actually figure some things out I best consider food. It is such a tricky thing though. How to keep up with it, mostly. Adding in counting calories, adjusting carbs, fats, and proteins too, to an already somewhat baffling and overwhelming task? I fear my organizational skills and... something(s) else, is maybe lacking. How do you even begin to try to calculate calories? Do you really need to weigh everything? How much fat does a piece of meat really have? I have, in the past, attempted to count calories. The project is as much art as science, literally. And, in the end, I never felt satisfied with the notion. I was never secure in the idea that my count was accurate, no matter how fine of detail I took the process down to.
Still, it might be worth another crack at it. I would probably need a good guide. Initially, I wouldn't be changing the calories I eat. I would merely be tracking them, give or take. In time, the goal would be to adjust, switch things out, cut a bit here or there. Nothing drastic or immediate. And actually, I should probably be eating more. It might help with energy, a bit. I have to be careful though, as there is only so much "enough" food will do considering the bad heart. So I could easily end up simply chunking out. My third fiancee, a sweetheart if a troubled one, got me up to 350 pounds in a year. She loved having me fat and happy. She still should have bought a leash, but that is a whole other story.
It is tricky for me. There isn't going to be a good guide for people in my condition. We are supposed to be bedbound and being waited on, slowly turning into worm food. I am not supposed to be considering swimming, biking, hiking, or any of that. There are a few others like me. My doctors indicated as much. But we are considered extremely rare and... they don't like us much. Moving targets are much more difficult to hit... or fix in this case?
I did think this site, Freedieting, had some excellent calculators. By their rough guess, my body fat is more like 22.4%, which seems a LOT more plausible than the ridiculous numbers my doctors have tried to hand me. While I do have a 40" waist and a belly, I also have a 51" chest with some decent solid in there, my wrists are thick but mostly bone. That looks to be a reasonable site until or unless I find a better minor guide.
On to other things. Good day.
.
Going back to bed was a no-starter. The cats have been fed. Maybe dishes will finally be done. A few emails are about to go out. And I am hoping to have enough going to go to town. While I was sitting there, sitting there, I started thinking about food. Well, yes, I am hungry. Thank you. But, that isn't what crossed my mind. As I consider joining a gym, for swimming at the moment, I need to consider food. Now, I have been cutting down, well, before I simply stopped eating. Cutting meal size and increasing the number of meals. However I believe I really need to dig further.
Calorie counting is something I never had to do when I had better health. I was in my twenties though. If I want to actually figure some things out I best consider food. It is such a tricky thing though. How to keep up with it, mostly. Adding in counting calories, adjusting carbs, fats, and proteins too, to an already somewhat baffling and overwhelming task? I fear my organizational skills and... something(s) else, is maybe lacking. How do you even begin to try to calculate calories? Do you really need to weigh everything? How much fat does a piece of meat really have? I have, in the past, attempted to count calories. The project is as much art as science, literally. And, in the end, I never felt satisfied with the notion. I was never secure in the idea that my count was accurate, no matter how fine of detail I took the process down to.
Still, it might be worth another crack at it. I would probably need a good guide. Initially, I wouldn't be changing the calories I eat. I would merely be tracking them, give or take. In time, the goal would be to adjust, switch things out, cut a bit here or there. Nothing drastic or immediate. And actually, I should probably be eating more. It might help with energy, a bit. I have to be careful though, as there is only so much "enough" food will do considering the bad heart. So I could easily end up simply chunking out. My third fiancee, a sweetheart if a troubled one, got me up to 350 pounds in a year. She loved having me fat and happy. She still should have bought a leash, but that is a whole other story.
It is tricky for me. There isn't going to be a good guide for people in my condition. We are supposed to be bedbound and being waited on, slowly turning into worm food. I am not supposed to be considering swimming, biking, hiking, or any of that. There are a few others like me. My doctors indicated as much. But we are considered extremely rare and... they don't like us much. Moving targets are much more difficult to hit... or fix in this case?
I did think this site, Freedieting, had some excellent calculators. By their rough guess, my body fat is more like 22.4%, which seems a LOT more plausible than the ridiculous numbers my doctors have tried to hand me. While I do have a 40" waist and a belly, I also have a 51" chest with some decent solid in there, my wrists are thick but mostly bone. That looks to be a reasonable site until or unless I find a better minor guide.
On to other things. Good day.
It never is easy.
.
.
To bed by 21:00, give or take, I woke just before 1:00. I woke hard this morning. Sometimes I can get back to sleep, other times like today I had no chance. I feel good. Getting up this early just doesn't work well when trying to be awake in the daytime. I can do it but I become so stretched that nothing gets done. I am hoping, in a few hours, I can lay back down, setting the alarm for 8:00 or some such. I have things I would like to do in town, things I have not gotten to yet that have been in my plans for weeks, perhaps months, now.
I dreamed of what is to come shortly. I am going to offer the leader of the KoC a chance to 'let me go'. If I am too hot to handle, he will be given an opportunity to simply say the word. Yes, I suppose I have a few emails to write as well. I have to set that meeting up, first. And I have business with another knight, specifically. Then I am going to put out a call to the other knights generally. Recruiting needs to begin occurring, which means I have to have a plan in place. A plan requires participants. I will be seeking those who attend a particular Sabbath Mass regularly, who might also be willing to set up a table, put out some literature and posters, and either sign men up or send them to me. I will act as backup if someone can't make it. As well, I hope to get a registry of men in the Church and begin cold calling from that list, minus those who are already knights. When we have a schedule of events for the KoC, I would like to have that printed as part of the drive. Knowing what knights do might induce others to join. All of it is social, some of it is more like work, some of it is more like play. As well, since father is a knight as well, and I need to speak to him anyway, I may ask for his participation in recruiting.
I keep having darker dreams. Until I manage some problems I believe they will remain dark. I know I am like handling a firecracker, or worse. I am a man of extreme action, if more so only in thought these days. Then again, there has been little use for anything beyond that in some long time. I avoid trouble now, always tried to before but I had little choice in where I went or was sent. And, to some degree, I chose to be sent where there was trouble. Who knows if I can still even defend myself. If I doubt if weaponized people can ever quite change, at least after they have become feral about it.
I figured I had lost some weight. I finally remember to weigh myself before eating or drinking anything this morning. Down to the low 270's. That has to be funny for some of you? I suppose if you lost 15 pounds, you would see it? And the notion of "down to the low 270's" has to be a gas? I don't see 15 pounds gone, not really. But my underwear slide down, what I consider my tight ones. And my blue jeans need my belt to be cinched, down to the last slot. Now is the time to hit swimming! Hit it while I am losing. I bought a watch specifically to monitor my heart rate while swimming, to try and keep my heart at the best pace for losing weight. I haven't decided, yet, what pace that is. I will need to do a bit more research. Then again, initially, my goal is simply to begin piecing together laps. When I get to being able to swim, say a mile, then I can honestly begin using the monitor. Until then I will simply be experimenting with it. It will be good, at first, to check about returning-to-rest heart rate normalization. That will tell me a great deal. Yes, I am taking this seriously. Those fighting dreams really grabbed me by my brass ornaments and shook my cookie tree something awful. I still tense up when the subject comes to mind.
Hmm, later.
.
To bed by 21:00, give or take, I woke just before 1:00. I woke hard this morning. Sometimes I can get back to sleep, other times like today I had no chance. I feel good. Getting up this early just doesn't work well when trying to be awake in the daytime. I can do it but I become so stretched that nothing gets done. I am hoping, in a few hours, I can lay back down, setting the alarm for 8:00 or some such. I have things I would like to do in town, things I have not gotten to yet that have been in my plans for weeks, perhaps months, now.
I dreamed of what is to come shortly. I am going to offer the leader of the KoC a chance to 'let me go'. If I am too hot to handle, he will be given an opportunity to simply say the word. Yes, I suppose I have a few emails to write as well. I have to set that meeting up, first. And I have business with another knight, specifically. Then I am going to put out a call to the other knights generally. Recruiting needs to begin occurring, which means I have to have a plan in place. A plan requires participants. I will be seeking those who attend a particular Sabbath Mass regularly, who might also be willing to set up a table, put out some literature and posters, and either sign men up or send them to me. I will act as backup if someone can't make it. As well, I hope to get a registry of men in the Church and begin cold calling from that list, minus those who are already knights. When we have a schedule of events for the KoC, I would like to have that printed as part of the drive. Knowing what knights do might induce others to join. All of it is social, some of it is more like work, some of it is more like play. As well, since father is a knight as well, and I need to speak to him anyway, I may ask for his participation in recruiting.
I keep having darker dreams. Until I manage some problems I believe they will remain dark. I know I am like handling a firecracker, or worse. I am a man of extreme action, if more so only in thought these days. Then again, there has been little use for anything beyond that in some long time. I avoid trouble now, always tried to before but I had little choice in where I went or was sent. And, to some degree, I chose to be sent where there was trouble. Who knows if I can still even defend myself. If I doubt if weaponized people can ever quite change, at least after they have become feral about it.
I figured I had lost some weight. I finally remember to weigh myself before eating or drinking anything this morning. Down to the low 270's. That has to be funny for some of you? I suppose if you lost 15 pounds, you would see it? And the notion of "down to the low 270's" has to be a gas? I don't see 15 pounds gone, not really. But my underwear slide down, what I consider my tight ones. And my blue jeans need my belt to be cinched, down to the last slot. Now is the time to hit swimming! Hit it while I am losing. I bought a watch specifically to monitor my heart rate while swimming, to try and keep my heart at the best pace for losing weight. I haven't decided, yet, what pace that is. I will need to do a bit more research. Then again, initially, my goal is simply to begin piecing together laps. When I get to being able to swim, say a mile, then I can honestly begin using the monitor. Until then I will simply be experimenting with it. It will be good, at first, to check about returning-to-rest heart rate normalization. That will tell me a great deal. Yes, I am taking this seriously. Those fighting dreams really grabbed me by my brass ornaments and shook my cookie tree something awful. I still tense up when the subject comes to mind.
Hmm, later.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Returns.
.
.
A few of the items I ordered for the PS3, and my computer actually, need to be returned. I bought a pair of headsets. I only opened one. Within six days, the headset stopped playing out of the left side. Six days! I don't want to give the other set a chance to break. I have had headphones die, after years of use before. I know a broken wire when I "hear" one. My guess, they tried to use the absolute thinnest wire they could and it bit them and me in the butt. However, for whatever reason, the Amazon site was not letting me do the return process. Further, when I tried to get contact information, that was not showing up either. The heading was there, but the field where that information should have been was blank. I figured this process was going to be difficult, not this difficult. Finally I searched for contact information. I found it off Amazon's site at a blogger. Bloggers, coming through where companies fail. I had to call twice. The first time I was transferred, I was transferred to nowhere. The second time I got someone right away. Though she was obviously Indian, she actually was understandable, and probably cute. Nevermind. She set it up so UPS will stop by my house in the next 1-5 days, with a label. I would have had to call anyway, as it turns out. My printer isn't working and I couldn't have printed the return label. ARGH! Nothing works anymore, not for long, not well.
While I do like, and use, Amazon. I am quite sure they can be one step below Walmart in the quality of their goods. And the companies who sell through them are even worse. Still, often, it is good enough. The returns, at almost any store, are rather weak, though too. Mom and Pop stores used to be some of the worst offenders, Walmart being, generally much better. Mercantile has never favored the buyer, much as banking has never favored anyone. Everyone cheats, just a little to a whole lot. It is the way of the world and it is as it has been from the beginning. Somehow, in there somewhere, we got spoiled with good products at fair prices. That is over. Now they are trying to end returns as well. Just make it hard enough and people just might give up in frustration. Not this time.
I will be getting to town today. I promised my friend I would be in by 15:00 or so. I want to be in earlier though, to get the gym membership going and find the clerk of courts or at least where they hold court records to examine them. I really need to begin studying those to see about the accident return. Like I said, three professionals have told me what I should expect and the insurance company is offering about half of what the lowest suggestion was (over expenses). I don't like that, not at all. Plus, just getting showered, dressed, and out would be good for me.
Later.
.
A few of the items I ordered for the PS3, and my computer actually, need to be returned. I bought a pair of headsets. I only opened one. Within six days, the headset stopped playing out of the left side. Six days! I don't want to give the other set a chance to break. I have had headphones die, after years of use before. I know a broken wire when I "hear" one. My guess, they tried to use the absolute thinnest wire they could and it bit them and me in the butt. However, for whatever reason, the Amazon site was not letting me do the return process. Further, when I tried to get contact information, that was not showing up either. The heading was there, but the field where that information should have been was blank. I figured this process was going to be difficult, not this difficult. Finally I searched for contact information. I found it off Amazon's site at a blogger. Bloggers, coming through where companies fail. I had to call twice. The first time I was transferred, I was transferred to nowhere. The second time I got someone right away. Though she was obviously Indian, she actually was understandable, and probably cute. Nevermind. She set it up so UPS will stop by my house in the next 1-5 days, with a label. I would have had to call anyway, as it turns out. My printer isn't working and I couldn't have printed the return label. ARGH! Nothing works anymore, not for long, not well.
While I do like, and use, Amazon. I am quite sure they can be one step below Walmart in the quality of their goods. And the companies who sell through them are even worse. Still, often, it is good enough. The returns, at almost any store, are rather weak, though too. Mom and Pop stores used to be some of the worst offenders, Walmart being, generally much better. Mercantile has never favored the buyer, much as banking has never favored anyone. Everyone cheats, just a little to a whole lot. It is the way of the world and it is as it has been from the beginning. Somehow, in there somewhere, we got spoiled with good products at fair prices. That is over. Now they are trying to end returns as well. Just make it hard enough and people just might give up in frustration. Not this time.
I will be getting to town today. I promised my friend I would be in by 15:00 or so. I want to be in earlier though, to get the gym membership going and find the clerk of courts or at least where they hold court records to examine them. I really need to begin studying those to see about the accident return. Like I said, three professionals have told me what I should expect and the insurance company is offering about half of what the lowest suggestion was (over expenses). I don't like that, not at all. Plus, just getting showered, dressed, and out would be good for me.
Later.
Nice.
.
.
I got my friend out and about yesterday. Not sure what is going on with that lump on his head, I thought he was going to have a ct-scan yesterday. It seems not. Not sure at all. In any case, he was approved to by a pistol. He bought one and is planning to buy another. All good, I suppose. Which reminds me, I need to get back to working on buying my own pistol again. Of course, approval means nothing, not with the ATF (the ones who brought you illegal murder weapon sales to Mexico) cracking down on sellers. It seems my friend must get new ID that the ATF approves before he can buy a gun he has already received approval from the state to buy. Never mind. It's a government brown out, don't expect much.
I was up until 18:00, and was considering crashing, when some locals showed up. They just saw the lights on and decided to stop in. We had a great conversation, which lasted about three hours. I think all of us were a bit surprised when we looked at the time. Nothing like three guys talking to get some chuckles too. Chuckles are easy, when women aren't around to monitor. Then again, I've even gotten a woman or two to chuckle. Once. :p *bait*
I tried to stay up a bit longer. Well, no try about it. I am not sure how much longer I stayed up, but I realized by my game mojo that I was well beyond the daily "use by date". Sleep was easy and good. I woke at about 2:00, but this time I went back down easily. Sleeping until 4:30. Perfect. If I could hold that time period, I would be glad. Honestly though, especially in the winter, I think my mornings will slide up to 9:00 or 10:00 as a wake up and somewhere around noon as the beginning of my functional day.
If I can get in better shape, perhaps I will have more control, for longer periods of time. Remember, back when televisions were analogue, and you had a perpetual screen roll? You had to jimmy the control knob fine tuning to mostly stop that? That is how my world works. The best I will ever do, most likely, is getting those "page flips" down to a tolerable quick thing. Just an occasional blip. I just need to be on my medicine to do it.
Later.
.
I got my friend out and about yesterday. Not sure what is going on with that lump on his head, I thought he was going to have a ct-scan yesterday. It seems not. Not sure at all. In any case, he was approved to by a pistol. He bought one and is planning to buy another. All good, I suppose. Which reminds me, I need to get back to working on buying my own pistol again. Of course, approval means nothing, not with the ATF (the ones who brought you illegal murder weapon sales to Mexico) cracking down on sellers. It seems my friend must get new ID that the ATF approves before he can buy a gun he has already received approval from the state to buy. Never mind. It's a government brown out, don't expect much.
I was up until 18:00, and was considering crashing, when some locals showed up. They just saw the lights on and decided to stop in. We had a great conversation, which lasted about three hours. I think all of us were a bit surprised when we looked at the time. Nothing like three guys talking to get some chuckles too. Chuckles are easy, when women aren't around to monitor. Then again, I've even gotten a woman or two to chuckle. Once. :p *bait*
I tried to stay up a bit longer. Well, no try about it. I am not sure how much longer I stayed up, but I realized by my game mojo that I was well beyond the daily "use by date". Sleep was easy and good. I woke at about 2:00, but this time I went back down easily. Sleeping until 4:30. Perfect. If I could hold that time period, I would be glad. Honestly though, especially in the winter, I think my mornings will slide up to 9:00 or 10:00 as a wake up and somewhere around noon as the beginning of my functional day.
If I can get in better shape, perhaps I will have more control, for longer periods of time. Remember, back when televisions were analogue, and you had a perpetual screen roll? You had to jimmy the control knob fine tuning to mostly stop that? That is how my world works. The best I will ever do, most likely, is getting those "page flips" down to a tolerable quick thing. Just an occasional blip. I just need to be on my medicine to do it.
Later.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
It seems so easy.
.
.
I probably won't make Mass again today. I have to be out of the house, I promised my friend. I meant to be... further along here at home too. I ran out of steam somewhere along the line and... that was that. More was done though. And I think I will kick out dishes before I leave. I made a mistake, I had not taken care of all the backlog of clothes. I found a couple more piles. Must have still been pretty asleep when I assessed my progress earlier. Never mind that, I got to it.
Why this is so complicated? I know and it still baffles me. No reason to get angry, I have learned patience with myself. To know what I can do, at my best, is amazing. That I can only be at my best, now, for moments in a month, is frustrating. I am amazed, to a degree, that I can blog, coherently (I think?). I even do it regularly. Then again, blogging, writing, requires nearly zero energy. Energy seems to be a defining thing. The limiting factor. There is the thought processing, but this goes on with me whether I remember it or am aware of it or not. The language skills are a once-learned thing and I learned them well enough. I just wish I could do more of life like I blog.
I had a lunch. Canned chicken and noodle soup didn't sound all that appetizing but it ended up being quite good. It was too salty, way too salty, of course. Other than that, it really was tasty. And warming. I wanted something to warm my insides and that worked. I am trying to eat more. I had almost literally stopped eating. I simply forgot food, and with the dishes there, I didn't want to add to the pile. There aren't that many dishes, my last push saw to most of them being done. It is just that I didn't want to lose ground. Since I can only seem, at times, to concentrate on one area/thing at a time, concentrating on not adding to the dishes until I finished them precluded cooking, and for the most part eating. That is how my odd little world works. One thing at a time. Almost obsessive compulsive, but based on no energy rather than obsession or compulsion. Including a lack of energy to find a way around a problem, at times.
Still, it's sort of a neat little world. A Mad Hatter world. He had his place, I suppose I have mine. Later.
.
I probably won't make Mass again today. I have to be out of the house, I promised my friend. I meant to be... further along here at home too. I ran out of steam somewhere along the line and... that was that. More was done though. And I think I will kick out dishes before I leave. I made a mistake, I had not taken care of all the backlog of clothes. I found a couple more piles. Must have still been pretty asleep when I assessed my progress earlier. Never mind that, I got to it.
Why this is so complicated? I know and it still baffles me. No reason to get angry, I have learned patience with myself. To know what I can do, at my best, is amazing. That I can only be at my best, now, for moments in a month, is frustrating. I am amazed, to a degree, that I can blog, coherently (I think?). I even do it regularly. Then again, blogging, writing, requires nearly zero energy. Energy seems to be a defining thing. The limiting factor. There is the thought processing, but this goes on with me whether I remember it or am aware of it or not. The language skills are a once-learned thing and I learned them well enough. I just wish I could do more of life like I blog.
I had a lunch. Canned chicken and noodle soup didn't sound all that appetizing but it ended up being quite good. It was too salty, way too salty, of course. Other than that, it really was tasty. And warming. I wanted something to warm my insides and that worked. I am trying to eat more. I had almost literally stopped eating. I simply forgot food, and with the dishes there, I didn't want to add to the pile. There aren't that many dishes, my last push saw to most of them being done. It is just that I didn't want to lose ground. Since I can only seem, at times, to concentrate on one area/thing at a time, concentrating on not adding to the dishes until I finished them precluded cooking, and for the most part eating. That is how my odd little world works. One thing at a time. Almost obsessive compulsive, but based on no energy rather than obsession or compulsion. Including a lack of energy to find a way around a problem, at times.
Still, it's sort of a neat little world. A Mad Hatter world. He had his place, I suppose I have mine. Later.
Operation Rolling Blunder
.
.
Hush. My game, my call.
I woke several times this morning. By 2:00, I realized the gig was up. Up and to waking. Gaming serves that purpose. But first I had a bite to eat. Nothing fancy, no cooking involved. I bought romaine lettuce, had carrots and croutons, and added a bit of ranch dressing. While ranch is fine, I think my last love called it right, I make far superior dressings. A little olive oil, vinegar of balsamic wine apple or a few other types, a bit of seasoning, and a little shake. Unfortunately I am not on top of things enough and don't have the good olive oil. You really need extra virgin, the real stuff, for salad makings (and dipping or over pasta). I am not familiar with what brands locally are really cold pressed and which are just the equivalent of plain old oil. Imagine using canola oil in a salad dressing. I suppose in a pinch, but it has a dead, filmy, nothing taste to it.
Anyway. After a bit of gaming I went on to other things. I was going to hit laundry, then dishes. When I entered my room I realized I had been a bad boy. I had not been putting up my clothes, the ones I have washed, in the last few weeks/months. So I had three baskets of clean clothes, and a mess of them at that. The cats knock over these baskets in an attempt to wake me. Then enjoy playing in the loose clothes. Oh, they are still clean. I'm a bachelor, remember?
I have taken care of those. And, while putting some things on hangers, and sorting my closet, I decided to get rid of some clothing. Five or six shirts, to be exact. Two of them for wear, the rest because they never quite looked right (in my opinion) on me. I don't like stripes, even vertical ones. And other than hard dark heavy gray, gray is not my color. I will replace three of the shirts. The rest will just offer a bit more room in my closet. I need to go through other things, eventually.
That is it, so far. I would like to re-re-re-soak the dishes, put a load in the laundry now that the backlog of clothes to be sorted is fixed, then play some more game for an hour or so. Then change the laundry load, hit the dishes, another rest, and then a shower. I have to be in town today and I would like to go to Mass, specifically to pray for a number of people in medical and financial trouble. You know, even you all online, I really do think of you as real.
Well, another shot at getting up and getting going. Be well.
.
Hush. My game, my call.
I woke several times this morning. By 2:00, I realized the gig was up. Up and to waking. Gaming serves that purpose. But first I had a bite to eat. Nothing fancy, no cooking involved. I bought romaine lettuce, had carrots and croutons, and added a bit of ranch dressing. While ranch is fine, I think my last love called it right, I make far superior dressings. A little olive oil, vinegar of balsamic wine apple or a few other types, a bit of seasoning, and a little shake. Unfortunately I am not on top of things enough and don't have the good olive oil. You really need extra virgin, the real stuff, for salad makings (and dipping or over pasta). I am not familiar with what brands locally are really cold pressed and which are just the equivalent of plain old oil. Imagine using canola oil in a salad dressing. I suppose in a pinch, but it has a dead, filmy, nothing taste to it.
Anyway. After a bit of gaming I went on to other things. I was going to hit laundry, then dishes. When I entered my room I realized I had been a bad boy. I had not been putting up my clothes, the ones I have washed, in the last few weeks/months. So I had three baskets of clean clothes, and a mess of them at that. The cats knock over these baskets in an attempt to wake me. Then enjoy playing in the loose clothes. Oh, they are still clean. I'm a bachelor, remember?
I have taken care of those. And, while putting some things on hangers, and sorting my closet, I decided to get rid of some clothing. Five or six shirts, to be exact. Two of them for wear, the rest because they never quite looked right (in my opinion) on me. I don't like stripes, even vertical ones. And other than hard dark heavy gray, gray is not my color. I will replace three of the shirts. The rest will just offer a bit more room in my closet. I need to go through other things, eventually.
That is it, so far. I would like to re-re-re-soak the dishes, put a load in the laundry now that the backlog of clothes to be sorted is fixed, then play some more game for an hour or so. Then change the laundry load, hit the dishes, another rest, and then a shower. I have to be in town today and I would like to go to Mass, specifically to pray for a number of people in medical and financial trouble. You know, even you all online, I really do think of you as real.
Well, another shot at getting up and getting going. Be well.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Maybe?
.
.
Up until 18:00, I should sleep well. This is as far as I will push things. Next I need to work on sleeping until a bit later. A 1:00 wake-up is too early. Bit by bit I am taking the day back. It baffles me how such a little thing can be so difficult. Then again, I realize in my condition everything IS difficult. I shouldn't be able to maneuver. How do you negotiate a bad heart? Well, I don't know precisely, I only know that I am. A bit of medicine and the right attitude, a bit of patience, some prayers, and some other things combine to allow me just a very little wiggle room.
I still like the analogy of the ill fated Apollo 13 mission. If someone had offered the exact scenario, beforehand, and requested that a schedule for a safe return be created, engineers would have simply suggested that this not happen. The tedium, terror of the reality, limitations, velocity, and such all suggest bad news. A little energy savings here, oxygen preservation there, finding spare resources here and there. They made it. Most would not have made it. The little things they did, or often didn't do (avoiding exertion), all seem oddly simple upon reflection. But it is all they could do. I'm in the same boat... only I will never get off that boat. Not a bad boat though, once I got used to the fact that I live on the reserves of the reserves. It's a gas, almost literally.
I am definitely blathering. Just... wanted to share my small but satisfying victory. Carpe diem, seize the day (or moment), has always been a saying of mine, a highly favored one for many reasons. How odd that it would become so literally prevalent?
Good night.
.
Up until 18:00, I should sleep well. This is as far as I will push things. Next I need to work on sleeping until a bit later. A 1:00 wake-up is too early. Bit by bit I am taking the day back. It baffles me how such a little thing can be so difficult. Then again, I realize in my condition everything IS difficult. I shouldn't be able to maneuver. How do you negotiate a bad heart? Well, I don't know precisely, I only know that I am. A bit of medicine and the right attitude, a bit of patience, some prayers, and some other things combine to allow me just a very little wiggle room.
I still like the analogy of the ill fated Apollo 13 mission. If someone had offered the exact scenario, beforehand, and requested that a schedule for a safe return be created, engineers would have simply suggested that this not happen. The tedium, terror of the reality, limitations, velocity, and such all suggest bad news. A little energy savings here, oxygen preservation there, finding spare resources here and there. They made it. Most would not have made it. The little things they did, or often didn't do (avoiding exertion), all seem oddly simple upon reflection. But it is all they could do. I'm in the same boat... only I will never get off that boat. Not a bad boat though, once I got used to the fact that I live on the reserves of the reserves. It's a gas, almost literally.
I am definitely blathering. Just... wanted to share my small but satisfying victory. Carpe diem, seize the day (or moment), has always been a saying of mine, a highly favored one for many reasons. How odd that it would become so literally prevalent?
Good night.
Not today.
.
.
I won't make it to Mass and probably won't get out of the house today. It just isn't going to happen. I might get more work done. Even that is iffy. It seems that one could just "do". Well, sometimes one can't "do". I'll keep working on it. If nothing else I hope to stay up as long as I did yesterday. I guess these day stretching exercises take more out of me than what I think going into it. Bah!
I do have a project I want to arrange. I would like to create steps up to a perch. Sam is too old to be jumping like she tries, and even Sassy could hurt herself. I might have enough wood and plywood. I suspect I could get some cheap carpet somewhere, remnants, leftovers, whatever. Of course, I have to figure out what sort of design I want to create. This could get interesting.
Later.
.
I won't make it to Mass and probably won't get out of the house today. It just isn't going to happen. I might get more work done. Even that is iffy. It seems that one could just "do". Well, sometimes one can't "do". I'll keep working on it. If nothing else I hope to stay up as long as I did yesterday. I guess these day stretching exercises take more out of me than what I think going into it. Bah!
I do have a project I want to arrange. I would like to create steps up to a perch. Sam is too old to be jumping like she tries, and even Sassy could hurt herself. I might have enough wood and plywood. I suspect I could get some cheap carpet somewhere, remnants, leftovers, whatever. Of course, I have to figure out what sort of design I want to create. This could get interesting.
Later.
Not a bad day so far.
.
.
I am not sore today, mostly. A bit of lower back pain and my left cheek. Don't ask me why this or that hurts, and those and these don't. It simply doesn't make sense to me. Sometimes, as I improve, I simply seem to have to go through pain. This, at least, seems rather short lived. While it wasn't mild it wasn't extreme either. And I have been able to work without exacerbating it. All good.
A few phone calls. My lady friend was unavailable. I think she gets the weekends off, so today might be a sleep in day or she might have found something to do or somewhere to go. As bad as she is with fiances she always seems to have a nickel stowed away somewhere. Just enough to go do something. I left her a message. My mother, however, was home. I hope if I have to live for a while beyond her time that I don't have to suffer that loss long. Then again, doesn't heaven make up for that?
Just goofing, so far, this day. But plans are being made. I am fixing breakfast, oats and tang, as I write. Shortly after, I will figure out the laundry for a load or too, do some dishes, then sit for a bit. I don't actually have that many dishes, but what I have are big items. I hate doing those. A shower after that. Then, later, to town. I have some checks deposit, I need to stop at the clerk of courts to figure that all out, then I am planning on stopping at the gym. I really need to get going with that. And Mass will fit in there somewhere. I simply am not sure what can happen by when. I just know what I need and want to do. Too much? Maybe. But that is the plan.
Later.
.
I am not sore today, mostly. A bit of lower back pain and my left cheek. Don't ask me why this or that hurts, and those and these don't. It simply doesn't make sense to me. Sometimes, as I improve, I simply seem to have to go through pain. This, at least, seems rather short lived. While it wasn't mild it wasn't extreme either. And I have been able to work without exacerbating it. All good.
A few phone calls. My lady friend was unavailable. I think she gets the weekends off, so today might be a sleep in day or she might have found something to do or somewhere to go. As bad as she is with fiances she always seems to have a nickel stowed away somewhere. Just enough to go do something. I left her a message. My mother, however, was home. I hope if I have to live for a while beyond her time that I don't have to suffer that loss long. Then again, doesn't heaven make up for that?
Just goofing, so far, this day. But plans are being made. I am fixing breakfast, oats and tang, as I write. Shortly after, I will figure out the laundry for a load or too, do some dishes, then sit for a bit. I don't actually have that many dishes, but what I have are big items. I hate doing those. A shower after that. Then, later, to town. I have some checks deposit, I need to stop at the clerk of courts to figure that all out, then I am planning on stopping at the gym. I really need to get going with that. And Mass will fit in there somewhere. I simply am not sure what can happen by when. I just know what I need and want to do. Too much? Maybe. But that is the plan.
Later.
Yeah? No.
.
.
Even with a second chance at making the meal, helping out, it simply didn't happen. Even though the guy heading it up has, to date, been disrespectful, that isn't the point. You do what you can, when you can, how you can. Simply put, I wasn't able to be conscious at the needed time.
On the good side, dishes, garbage, laundry, and food have begun to become a normal process again. Today I stayed up until well past 15:00, a record, without extraordinary effort, in the last two months. Daytime still doesn't feel normal, that will come though. I have things to do, not least of all Church and KoC matters. But too, personal matters.
I received a call from my friend today. Bad news. He has a tumor, behind his left eye I think. They don't know what it is yet. He goes in for a ct-scan tomorrow. Today, actually. It all gets confusing when day and night is messed up. Because tomorrows medical affairs will take everything out of him, I suggested I come in Tuesday. If it ends up bad, I'll continue to be a friend. I'm not good at this crap, but I'll do it anyway. Then again, it might just be something relatively benign. Prayers, too. As he said, he thinks he's got a good 15 years in him. I think so too.
Up at 1:30. I woke at 20:00, then at 0:00, but was able to go back to bed. Not this time. Which is fine. I think I can make Mass, do some business in town, get some more cleaning kicked out, and stretch my day a bit. At a minimum I think I can hit yesterday's high. Well, on to... waking up.
.
Even with a second chance at making the meal, helping out, it simply didn't happen. Even though the guy heading it up has, to date, been disrespectful, that isn't the point. You do what you can, when you can, how you can. Simply put, I wasn't able to be conscious at the needed time.
On the good side, dishes, garbage, laundry, and food have begun to become a normal process again. Today I stayed up until well past 15:00, a record, without extraordinary effort, in the last two months. Daytime still doesn't feel normal, that will come though. I have things to do, not least of all Church and KoC matters. But too, personal matters.
I received a call from my friend today. Bad news. He has a tumor, behind his left eye I think. They don't know what it is yet. He goes in for a ct-scan tomorrow. Today, actually. It all gets confusing when day and night is messed up. Because tomorrows medical affairs will take everything out of him, I suggested I come in Tuesday. If it ends up bad, I'll continue to be a friend. I'm not good at this crap, but I'll do it anyway. Then again, it might just be something relatively benign. Prayers, too. As he said, he thinks he's got a good 15 years in him. I think so too.
Up at 1:30. I woke at 20:00, then at 0:00, but was able to go back to bed. Not this time. Which is fine. I think I can make Mass, do some business in town, get some more cleaning kicked out, and stretch my day a bit. At a minimum I think I can hit yesterday's high. Well, on to... waking up.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Oh? Wait then.
.
.
Here I was, thinking it was Sunday. Being Saturday, I have a chance, slim if it is, at being to the dinner to help and shmooze while trying to recruit. I love it when a plan falls apart... often to greater opportunity! My bad luck often turns into good luck, it really does. I guess that is why 7, 11, and 13 are lucky numbers for me, if I believed in such things. I always stayed far away from "lucky charms", as they really did seem to have the opposite effect. But when you think about it... a lucky rabbit's foot? Uhrm, that just doesn't seem all that lucky to me. Or as my friend puts it... he saw a sign... Looking for a mongrel small dog. The dog is blind in one eye, missing an ear and a hind leg... goes by the name "Lucky".
I was about to get to dishes when I realized Sam and Sassy were being weird. As I entered the kitchen I think I realized why. Cat litter needed changing. While I was at it I got the trash and recycling together. Quite a little task, all told. The dishes will just have to wait. It was when I was taking out the trash, and I looked at the time, and the date, and realized no one else had their trash out. Ah-ha! Saturday! A lady at Walmart also indicated that it was Saturday evening, I just thought she was mistaken... or didn't even really catch it. When I realized my mistake it all came together. Yeah, life can be a little complicated when you don't know what day it is, for weeks at a time. Still, I think this is a temporary relapse. I'm working on it.
No big cats out tonight. This time I had all the outer lights on, a head-light strapped on, my .45 at the ready in my back pocket, and I did look around, up in the trees, and kept my head on a swivel. That 'scream' blasted right into my bones. I have never heard such a thing, ever. Still, it was rather neat. I just wish I could have seen the critter. My guess is I scared it as bad as it scared me. I am the size of a full grown black bear, something this kitty knows about I am sure. The cats and dogs of the wild world must know each other.
A bit more gaming. Perhaps in a few hours I can get to the dishes and clear out the laundry.
.
Here I was, thinking it was Sunday. Being Saturday, I have a chance, slim if it is, at being to the dinner to help and shmooze while trying to recruit. I love it when a plan falls apart... often to greater opportunity! My bad luck often turns into good luck, it really does. I guess that is why 7, 11, and 13 are lucky numbers for me, if I believed in such things. I always stayed far away from "lucky charms", as they really did seem to have the opposite effect. But when you think about it... a lucky rabbit's foot? Uhrm, that just doesn't seem all that lucky to me. Or as my friend puts it... he saw a sign... Looking for a mongrel small dog. The dog is blind in one eye, missing an ear and a hind leg... goes by the name "Lucky".
I was about to get to dishes when I realized Sam and Sassy were being weird. As I entered the kitchen I think I realized why. Cat litter needed changing. While I was at it I got the trash and recycling together. Quite a little task, all told. The dishes will just have to wait. It was when I was taking out the trash, and I looked at the time, and the date, and realized no one else had their trash out. Ah-ha! Saturday! A lady at Walmart also indicated that it was Saturday evening, I just thought she was mistaken... or didn't even really catch it. When I realized my mistake it all came together. Yeah, life can be a little complicated when you don't know what day it is, for weeks at a time. Still, I think this is a temporary relapse. I'm working on it.
No big cats out tonight. This time I had all the outer lights on, a head-light strapped on, my .45 at the ready in my back pocket, and I did look around, up in the trees, and kept my head on a swivel. That 'scream' blasted right into my bones. I have never heard such a thing, ever. Still, it was rather neat. I just wish I could have seen the critter. My guess is I scared it as bad as it scared me. I am the size of a full grown black bear, something this kitty knows about I am sure. The cats and dogs of the wild world must know each other.
A bit more gaming. Perhaps in a few hours I can get to the dishes and clear out the laundry.
Could be.
.
.
Alright, two loads washed, the first in the dryer. Dishes set to a fresh soak earlier. A trip to town, tobacco of course, but milk, Tang, and a dozen other things to drink. As well, I purchased enough to begin filling my larder back up. Cans of tuna, big and small, and easy foods. For short term food stores you need foods that are not difficult to make. I am trying a bunch of mac and cheese types, to see which I like the best. Tuna goes good in there, as does the (otherwise terrible) cans of chicken chunks. I also bought a number of sweeteners. I really have to try some of the non-sugar stuff, like agave juice. But too, in a global meltdown, my guess is sugar will again be fine. Since no one will be eating anywhere near what we are eating now. Salt? It is required for most reasonable preservation. If I am too fragile to tolerate salt I have more troubles than one can imagine. I bought enough to store packets of things I know I like. Several drink mixes, several sweeteners, and a few other odds and ends have been marked with today's date. After I find out how long these things store well, I will put another date mark on them. After that, they will go into my lower pantry for long term use and rotation.
Right now though, I am shot. That was a lot of work. My body is sore, my back, my neck, even my hips hurt. I have been in pain for days now though, it isn't from the work, little as that was. It is merely that pain has caught up with me. I will goof on the game for a few hours, then get back to it if I can. I don't know what I can get done tonight, perhaps that was it. Maybe though I will finish the dishes and do another load or two of laundry.
Something odd, financially. Even after paying a bunch of things off and buying my game system I seem to have... way too much money left. No, I've (mostly) checked. All bills are paid, my extras have been taken out already. It doesn't make sense. Fine. If all things remain clear at the end of the month, I may spend all the extra in my account to pay on the last actual debit type debt I owe. Oh, and some thinker woman is probably getting a small gift sometime soon. Sounds like she could use it. I just need to be sure. I am trying to be extra careful. I like having an emergency fund, a more serious one. After that, other than utilities of course, I am down to the car and home payments. I would like to begin looking at limiting utilities, cutting where I can. As well, I want to begin looking at saving. Before I get to, say, solar power I want to have a definite idea of how much it will cost, what of it I can do, and have enough to pay for three quarters of the bill out of pocket. My goal is to pay for half of it out of pocket, the rest on loan if I can, and have the extra for any hidden or "unexpected" costs.
Ugh. Back to gaming, for a while. At least I have the right kind of tobacco and some things to drink, and foods should I finish dishes tonight. A bit at a time. That is all I have. If I give it gladly. You know, for all my problems? I am a very happy man, deep down in sometimes but it is there. I like this life and even look forward, someday, to my death. With Father, Christ, and the Holy Spirit in my life and acting as my leader, the rest is just a waiting and working game.
.
Alright, two loads washed, the first in the dryer. Dishes set to a fresh soak earlier. A trip to town, tobacco of course, but milk, Tang, and a dozen other things to drink. As well, I purchased enough to begin filling my larder back up. Cans of tuna, big and small, and easy foods. For short term food stores you need foods that are not difficult to make. I am trying a bunch of mac and cheese types, to see which I like the best. Tuna goes good in there, as does the (otherwise terrible) cans of chicken chunks. I also bought a number of sweeteners. I really have to try some of the non-sugar stuff, like agave juice. But too, in a global meltdown, my guess is sugar will again be fine. Since no one will be eating anywhere near what we are eating now. Salt? It is required for most reasonable preservation. If I am too fragile to tolerate salt I have more troubles than one can imagine. I bought enough to store packets of things I know I like. Several drink mixes, several sweeteners, and a few other odds and ends have been marked with today's date. After I find out how long these things store well, I will put another date mark on them. After that, they will go into my lower pantry for long term use and rotation.
Right now though, I am shot. That was a lot of work. My body is sore, my back, my neck, even my hips hurt. I have been in pain for days now though, it isn't from the work, little as that was. It is merely that pain has caught up with me. I will goof on the game for a few hours, then get back to it if I can. I don't know what I can get done tonight, perhaps that was it. Maybe though I will finish the dishes and do another load or two of laundry.
Something odd, financially. Even after paying a bunch of things off and buying my game system I seem to have... way too much money left. No, I've (mostly) checked. All bills are paid, my extras have been taken out already. It doesn't make sense. Fine. If all things remain clear at the end of the month, I may spend all the extra in my account to pay on the last actual debit type debt I owe. Oh, and some thinker woman is probably getting a small gift sometime soon. Sounds like she could use it. I just need to be sure. I am trying to be extra careful. I like having an emergency fund, a more serious one. After that, other than utilities of course, I am down to the car and home payments. I would like to begin looking at limiting utilities, cutting where I can. As well, I want to begin looking at saving. Before I get to, say, solar power I want to have a definite idea of how much it will cost, what of it I can do, and have enough to pay for three quarters of the bill out of pocket. My goal is to pay for half of it out of pocket, the rest on loan if I can, and have the extra for any hidden or "unexpected" costs.
Ugh. Back to gaming, for a while. At least I have the right kind of tobacco and some things to drink, and foods should I finish dishes tonight. A bit at a time. That is all I have. If I give it gladly. You know, for all my problems? I am a very happy man, deep down in sometimes but it is there. I like this life and even look forward, someday, to my death. With Father, Christ, and the Holy Spirit in my life and acting as my leader, the rest is just a waiting and working game.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Up and at it?
.
.
No, not really. The alarm didn't work to wake me in time to go help with the meal. I did get out of bed somewhere around 21:00, give or take a lot as I have no real idea, still foggy now. Disappointed, but not wanting to yield the energy I stored for this evening, I took a shower right away, then set the dishes to a fresh soak, and finally so far separated the laundry and started one load. I need to get into town tonight. I need things to drink; milk, splenda soda, Gatorade (only for taking potassium now), and perhaps some other things. And food is required. I have a good load of meats in the freezer. I have little else. In the mood I am in, I am not even sure what else to get. Fresh vegetables, while wonderful at times, go bad in 3.275293943 seconds. At least on my timescale.
Just doing the few things I did do absolutely mashed me into the ground. That could be because I am out of it and have been or because I got on these things immediately after waking up. That is something I don't do even in good times usually. Yeah, well, to town and to shopping. I might just get a fast food meal while in town. It puts something warm, filling, and tasty in my belly. Good for morale, good for basic subsistence. While not the best food, it is cheap and easy.
I think, for a while now, I want to make sure my pistol is with me when I go out at night. It usually is if travel is required but not just for standing outside. The horses out back, both in my pen and the one behind it, were extremely skittish this morning. When I went out, pistol in pocket, this morning, they all bolted pretty quickly. I think, with the llama and number of (if pony sized) horses out back, the mountain lion just didn't think they were a good bet. I'm telling you, that "scream" tore right through me, even only being half awake. It reminded me of the Nazgûl, and loud? Wouch. I felt it as much as heard it. Never did see it, and I have good night eyes, not sure what that was about. Still enjoying the excitement, since I made it alive and in one piece. :)
I do hope to get some serious work done. It might not happen, hope only takes a dying corpse just so far. Still, I'm grumpy enough about things that I might get to it anyway. Later.
.
No, not really. The alarm didn't work to wake me in time to go help with the meal. I did get out of bed somewhere around 21:00, give or take a lot as I have no real idea, still foggy now. Disappointed, but not wanting to yield the energy I stored for this evening, I took a shower right away, then set the dishes to a fresh soak, and finally so far separated the laundry and started one load. I need to get into town tonight. I need things to drink; milk, splenda soda, Gatorade (only for taking potassium now), and perhaps some other things. And food is required. I have a good load of meats in the freezer. I have little else. In the mood I am in, I am not even sure what else to get. Fresh vegetables, while wonderful at times, go bad in 3.275293943 seconds. At least on my timescale.
Just doing the few things I did do absolutely mashed me into the ground. That could be because I am out of it and have been or because I got on these things immediately after waking up. That is something I don't do even in good times usually. Yeah, well, to town and to shopping. I might just get a fast food meal while in town. It puts something warm, filling, and tasty in my belly. Good for morale, good for basic subsistence. While not the best food, it is cheap and easy.
I think, for a while now, I want to make sure my pistol is with me when I go out at night. It usually is if travel is required but not just for standing outside. The horses out back, both in my pen and the one behind it, were extremely skittish this morning. When I went out, pistol in pocket, this morning, they all bolted pretty quickly. I think, with the llama and number of (if pony sized) horses out back, the mountain lion just didn't think they were a good bet. I'm telling you, that "scream" tore right through me, even only being half awake. It reminded me of the Nazgûl, and loud? Wouch. I felt it as much as heard it. Never did see it, and I have good night eyes, not sure what that was about. Still enjoying the excitement, since I made it alive and in one piece. :)
I do hope to get some serious work done. It might not happen, hope only takes a dying corpse just so far. Still, I'm grumpy enough about things that I might get to it anyway. Later.
The local wildlife?
.
.
Up again, at night. I did eat a bit. And I have been taking my medicine. Improvement is slow. I ran out of chewing tobacco, but had a package of cigarettes, so I used those to get me by until I can get into town. As you may know, I don't smoke in my home. So, outside I went. Sam often comes out with me whenever I step outside, for whatever reason. And she did a few times last night. Then she started acting extremely weird. I figured a dog, perhaps a raccoon, was scaring her. I haven't seen her act this weird ever before. Perhaps the critter was something she had messed with before?
On the last smoke of the night, Sam did come back out with me. I walked over to the far edge of my driveway, standing pretty much in complete darkness, smoking. Sam was staying behind me, near the house. Odd. Then I heard it. I didn't see any movement. I just heard a blood curdling scream. I have never heard one in real life, before now. Mountain lion, no more than 50 yards, and not happy for the company! No, yeah, I headed right for the door. I honestly think I could take one, probably, but I would lose some things too. Lots of blood, maybe an ear or an eye, very possibly some fingers or toes. It would be an unpleasant affair. Sam was being weird. I called to her, from behind the storm door, which was slightly ajar. She came near the door, I had the light on now. She acted all normal until I hissed "SAM!". Then she got all weird, nearly ran away, then finally darted into the house. I closed the door, grabbed my .45 (just for a bit of comfort, that was far too close, and who knows that it might not try to get in?), and went back to gaming.
That was a very unhappy mountain lion. The sun just came up, or is in the process. Still, the critter might still be out there. I am going to have another smoke, but this time with my .45 in my pocket. Oh, never fear, I don't have to take it out to aim. If I think I had time I would, otherwise, right from the hip, right through the jacket. What a gas.
I am hoping to be up in time to make it to a dinner tonight. I would like to help out and experiment with recruiting. I need to find out what time it is and get to it. I may not be able to make it though. Ugh, I hate this. I need to get better faster! Good night.
.
Up again, at night. I did eat a bit. And I have been taking my medicine. Improvement is slow. I ran out of chewing tobacco, but had a package of cigarettes, so I used those to get me by until I can get into town. As you may know, I don't smoke in my home. So, outside I went. Sam often comes out with me whenever I step outside, for whatever reason. And she did a few times last night. Then she started acting extremely weird. I figured a dog, perhaps a raccoon, was scaring her. I haven't seen her act this weird ever before. Perhaps the critter was something she had messed with before?
On the last smoke of the night, Sam did come back out with me. I walked over to the far edge of my driveway, standing pretty much in complete darkness, smoking. Sam was staying behind me, near the house. Odd. Then I heard it. I didn't see any movement. I just heard a blood curdling scream. I have never heard one in real life, before now. Mountain lion, no more than 50 yards, and not happy for the company! No, yeah, I headed right for the door. I honestly think I could take one, probably, but I would lose some things too. Lots of blood, maybe an ear or an eye, very possibly some fingers or toes. It would be an unpleasant affair. Sam was being weird. I called to her, from behind the storm door, which was slightly ajar. She came near the door, I had the light on now. She acted all normal until I hissed "SAM!". Then she got all weird, nearly ran away, then finally darted into the house. I closed the door, grabbed my .45 (just for a bit of comfort, that was far too close, and who knows that it might not try to get in?), and went back to gaming.
That was a very unhappy mountain lion. The sun just came up, or is in the process. Still, the critter might still be out there. I am going to have another smoke, but this time with my .45 in my pocket. Oh, never fear, I don't have to take it out to aim. If I think I had time I would, otherwise, right from the hip, right through the jacket. What a gas.
I am hoping to be up in time to make it to a dinner tonight. I would like to help out and experiment with recruiting. I need to find out what time it is and get to it. I may not be able to make it though. Ugh, I hate this. I need to get better faster! Good night.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Got a call this morning.
.
.
In the early dark, couldn't tell what time it was at first. It looked and felt very early. Totally dark. I answered. A neighbor's wife had made chili and he wanted to know if I would like some. Would I? Of course, I sputtered. Home cooked food? I honestly hate McDonalds, Wendy's, and the others. No, there food is... good enough. And, when I have nothing else going or am traveling, their foods are simple fresh and hot. It is just that they are almost too easy. I can't blame them, though. It is just business, and fair ones.
He mentioned he had a few things to do, then would bring the food by in an hour or so. Okay. But I was thinking, why bring the chili over so early? After he ended the call I quickly donned suitable attire for company, hid my cheesecake calendars behind paper, sort of in case he brought one of his sons in, and started... deciphering the situation. OH! It was 5:30ish... well, 17:30ish. It was not morning at all. Never mind. I let him in on the thing, for a larf. It wouldn't surprise me if he is still chuckling. I am. There was enough for two meals for me, especially since I haven't been eating much lately. Wonderful, fantastic, and needed. I am a lucky man, in some ways.
I am feeling better already. A few more days and I should have enough going to either begin cleaning, rearranging my day and night, getting back to Mass, or some combination of those things, if I am already devising such plans. The food will help a great deal. It is no difficulty living, no pain and no real confusion in-the-moment. I simply lose track of things on the bigger scales and don't eat or such.
I am hoping to turn things around soon. I liked having a fine little life. I will do a few things tonight, some emails, maybe a call, dishes and laundry. I hope. Nap time now. See you on the flipside.
.
In the early dark, couldn't tell what time it was at first. It looked and felt very early. Totally dark. I answered. A neighbor's wife had made chili and he wanted to know if I would like some. Would I? Of course, I sputtered. Home cooked food? I honestly hate McDonalds, Wendy's, and the others. No, there food is... good enough. And, when I have nothing else going or am traveling, their foods are simple fresh and hot. It is just that they are almost too easy. I can't blame them, though. It is just business, and fair ones.
He mentioned he had a few things to do, then would bring the food by in an hour or so. Okay. But I was thinking, why bring the chili over so early? After he ended the call I quickly donned suitable attire for company, hid my cheesecake calendars behind paper, sort of in case he brought one of his sons in, and started... deciphering the situation. OH! It was 5:30ish... well, 17:30ish. It was not morning at all. Never mind. I let him in on the thing, for a larf. It wouldn't surprise me if he is still chuckling. I am. There was enough for two meals for me, especially since I haven't been eating much lately. Wonderful, fantastic, and needed. I am a lucky man, in some ways.
I am feeling better already. A few more days and I should have enough going to either begin cleaning, rearranging my day and night, getting back to Mass, or some combination of those things, if I am already devising such plans. The food will help a great deal. It is no difficulty living, no pain and no real confusion in-the-moment. I simply lose track of things on the bigger scales and don't eat or such.
I am hoping to turn things around soon. I liked having a fine little life. I will do a few things tonight, some emails, maybe a call, dishes and laundry. I hope. Nap time now. See you on the flipside.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Already the 11th?
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.
I have definitely been out of touch. I think the last day I actually remember leaving the house was for Christmas dinner. I have left a few other times, one to see my friend, and... something else. Mass I think? It is difficult to fathom having lived like that for decades. It was easy to think something was wrong with my brain. Well, there was, and still is. Not enough oxygen when my heart isn't being massaged by heart medicine. My brain works fine with the proper inputs. Actually, I believe it even worked well without them. Actually engineering school wasn't all that bad, it was being to classes, not being able to study for weeks due to sleep problems and exhaustion, and having to play catch up for that. While I can't remember well, I believe I did fairly well, more so considering the situation.
I did get out tonight. I received a phone call and an email. It was the KoC meeting. It was at a time I happened to be awake or I might not have made it. My sleep is rotating in an odd fashion. Some "nights" I can stay up 19 hours, other nights I can only stay up 6-12 hours. As I have started the medicines, I have already seen improvements. But I am still somewhat lost. Give it a week. The only thing good about this is I really do get to see that these are the right medicines, this is the right (and only) diagnosis, and that I do have a much better life on the medicines. And, as I have mentioned, I did fall off them due to extenuating circumstances, not a simple choice, or being surly.
The meeting was good. The only problem? Now that I am taking my medicines again, and drinking more to go along with it, my bladder was screeching at me for half of the meeting. I am sure some men must have wondered what kind of screwed up look on my face I had when trying to smile, nod in agreement, while also trying not to pee my pants. Now, this was foolish. I should have, and will next time, simply excuse myself. (8~:P I just wasn't thinking straight tonight, though I was interested to hear what was being said. In any case, it looks like there are things coming up. I have some things to do there, and some people to talk to. I have chores! This will help me focus. I have a deadline on one thing and should be pushing another. I have people to meet with and arrangements to make. All good.
Well, that is that. As I begin peeking around the corner and out the door at the great big world again... I feel cheered. Not quite like the cat which espies a mouse, or a man who sees a beautiful woman, but more like a man who sees a light at the end of (another) tunnel... and believes he hears no whistles this time. :p Good night.
.
I have definitely been out of touch. I think the last day I actually remember leaving the house was for Christmas dinner. I have left a few other times, one to see my friend, and... something else. Mass I think? It is difficult to fathom having lived like that for decades. It was easy to think something was wrong with my brain. Well, there was, and still is. Not enough oxygen when my heart isn't being massaged by heart medicine. My brain works fine with the proper inputs. Actually, I believe it even worked well without them. Actually engineering school wasn't all that bad, it was being to classes, not being able to study for weeks due to sleep problems and exhaustion, and having to play catch up for that. While I can't remember well, I believe I did fairly well, more so considering the situation.
I did get out tonight. I received a phone call and an email. It was the KoC meeting. It was at a time I happened to be awake or I might not have made it. My sleep is rotating in an odd fashion. Some "nights" I can stay up 19 hours, other nights I can only stay up 6-12 hours. As I have started the medicines, I have already seen improvements. But I am still somewhat lost. Give it a week. The only thing good about this is I really do get to see that these are the right medicines, this is the right (and only) diagnosis, and that I do have a much better life on the medicines. And, as I have mentioned, I did fall off them due to extenuating circumstances, not a simple choice, or being surly.
The meeting was good. The only problem? Now that I am taking my medicines again, and drinking more to go along with it, my bladder was screeching at me for half of the meeting. I am sure some men must have wondered what kind of screwed up look on my face I had when trying to smile, nod in agreement, while also trying not to pee my pants. Now, this was foolish. I should have, and will next time, simply excuse myself. (8~:P I just wasn't thinking straight tonight, though I was interested to hear what was being said. In any case, it looks like there are things coming up. I have some things to do there, and some people to talk to. I have chores! This will help me focus. I have a deadline on one thing and should be pushing another. I have people to meet with and arrangements to make. All good.
Well, that is that. As I begin peeking around the corner and out the door at the great big world again... I feel cheered. Not quite like the cat which espies a mouse, or a man who sees a beautiful woman, but more like a man who sees a light at the end of (another) tunnel... and believes he hears no whistles this time. :p Good night.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Back on track to getting back on track?
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.
I will know shortly. I have moved my medicines to where I can see them. It is working. I am taking them again. My nights and days keep shifting, but not the way I would like it. That will take time, that part always does. As for doing much, that just isn't going to happen for a bit. These medicines are surprisingly effective, however. Sometimes 'it just happens', overnight at times. This is the best, for me, gunk they have ever offered. I suppose that it works on what is really wrong doesn't hurt.
I was just thinking, the last few days, how good it would be to have some of the people I like and love live a little, or lot, closer. The problem is we can't stand each other for long. My mom, my lady friend, my brother. Still, if they lived closer... No, everybody is busy. I wouldn't see them all that much more often. Love is quite a funny thing. And this time it isn't just me. This notion used to make me quite sad. There was no hope of building a 'loved ones only' sanctuary, whiling away time safe and happy. As time has progressed, I have let go of the sadness. Now I simply enjoy what contact I have with them. I like our short conversations. It is enough, at least as far as they go.
A little love, closer, more... romantic in nature, though, would be very nice. I think I can. I simply have to stop goofing with medicine stops. Then again, that was created by some serious dreaming. I am almost still tight and sore from all that. I have never dreamed that many nights in a row, nor that hard. So, I suppose, it wasn't just me being foolish. Some things can cause me to lose my grip, even as good as that has become.
Not sure when I am going to join the club, see my friend again, or even get out of the house again. While I love my home I enjoy getting out too. The weather would make for a pleasant, easy, safe drive through the mountains. I ought to find a destination, a bed and breakfast, a nice cozy decent inn tucked away somewhere. A place or three to go for a short stay, new views, or whatever might interest me. Take some food with me, eat out a meal or two, split the difference on price and luxury. Anyway, I... have things to do.
.
I will know shortly. I have moved my medicines to where I can see them. It is working. I am taking them again. My nights and days keep shifting, but not the way I would like it. That will take time, that part always does. As for doing much, that just isn't going to happen for a bit. These medicines are surprisingly effective, however. Sometimes 'it just happens', overnight at times. This is the best, for me, gunk they have ever offered. I suppose that it works on what is really wrong doesn't hurt.
I was just thinking, the last few days, how good it would be to have some of the people I like and love live a little, or lot, closer. The problem is we can't stand each other for long. My mom, my lady friend, my brother. Still, if they lived closer... No, everybody is busy. I wouldn't see them all that much more often. Love is quite a funny thing. And this time it isn't just me. This notion used to make me quite sad. There was no hope of building a 'loved ones only' sanctuary, whiling away time safe and happy. As time has progressed, I have let go of the sadness. Now I simply enjoy what contact I have with them. I like our short conversations. It is enough, at least as far as they go.
A little love, closer, more... romantic in nature, though, would be very nice. I think I can. I simply have to stop goofing with medicine stops. Then again, that was created by some serious dreaming. I am almost still tight and sore from all that. I have never dreamed that many nights in a row, nor that hard. So, I suppose, it wasn't just me being foolish. Some things can cause me to lose my grip, even as good as that has become.
Not sure when I am going to join the club, see my friend again, or even get out of the house again. While I love my home I enjoy getting out too. The weather would make for a pleasant, easy, safe drive through the mountains. I ought to find a destination, a bed and breakfast, a nice cozy decent inn tucked away somewhere. A place or three to go for a short stay, new views, or whatever might interest me. Take some food with me, eat out a meal or two, split the difference on price and luxury. Anyway, I... have things to do.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Well?
.
.
Okay, I am still stuck. But I figured out two of my problems. The first, since I have 'moved operations' into the living room, I need to move my medicines out there. Yeah, without them staring me right in the face all day, they might not (haven't been) being taken. Yeah? Hush it! Second? My controllers are wireless. Yep, they work on bluetooth technology. I didn't realize that... until today I am ashamed to say. I didn't, you know, read anything. I just set it up and hoped. If something didn't work I would then, maybe, have read something... online. The manuals that come with stuff anymore are complete junk.
The game is giving me closer to a full day. I actually feel like I am doing something. I completed the first game on easy mode, then again but with all my stuff. I tried a gimmick that allows you to take your most protective suit from a previous game and start with it in a new game. Didn't work. They say the glitch is twitchy. I suspect they are fibbing. I started a new game on hard mode, there is one more difficult setting. Just go slower and save more often. I am hoping to get the suit to work this time, when I go from hard to 'insane' or whatever the next difficulty level is called.
I know, some people play a game once and call it done. That is about 8 hours of play. Given that this game was about $18, that wouldn't be bad. But for me, it is much more. Beside training me on the new controller device, I learn the game mechanics and get an idea of what to expect where. It's all rough, and higher levels add a bit from time to time I think, but that is about 8 hours. I played it again on easy to get some rewards, which is 6-7 hours. Then I play on hard difficulty, twice, to get everything maxed and hopefully get the suit to transfer to the next highest level, so another 20-22 hours. And, finally, if I get the suit to transfer, I get a final training in the use of the controller, more serious game play, and another double playing to max things (for future use), at another 30 hours of game play I suspect. Let me see, about 65 hours, all told. What with breaks for nerves, food, and just to get off my butt, this is two weeks of gaming, all for $18 (not including the game system, of course). Not bad, really.
Well, back to getting me teeth kicked in. Just thought to let you know I am still alive. Still working things out. And mostly a happy camper.
.
Okay, I am still stuck. But I figured out two of my problems. The first, since I have 'moved operations' into the living room, I need to move my medicines out there. Yeah, without them staring me right in the face all day, they might not (haven't been) being taken. Yeah? Hush it! Second? My controllers are wireless. Yep, they work on bluetooth technology. I didn't realize that... until today I am ashamed to say. I didn't, you know, read anything. I just set it up and hoped. If something didn't work I would then, maybe, have read something... online. The manuals that come with stuff anymore are complete junk.
The game is giving me closer to a full day. I actually feel like I am doing something. I completed the first game on easy mode, then again but with all my stuff. I tried a gimmick that allows you to take your most protective suit from a previous game and start with it in a new game. Didn't work. They say the glitch is twitchy. I suspect they are fibbing. I started a new game on hard mode, there is one more difficult setting. Just go slower and save more often. I am hoping to get the suit to work this time, when I go from hard to 'insane' or whatever the next difficulty level is called.
I know, some people play a game once and call it done. That is about 8 hours of play. Given that this game was about $18, that wouldn't be bad. But for me, it is much more. Beside training me on the new controller device, I learn the game mechanics and get an idea of what to expect where. It's all rough, and higher levels add a bit from time to time I think, but that is about 8 hours. I played it again on easy to get some rewards, which is 6-7 hours. Then I play on hard difficulty, twice, to get everything maxed and hopefully get the suit to transfer to the next highest level, so another 20-22 hours. And, finally, if I get the suit to transfer, I get a final training in the use of the controller, more serious game play, and another double playing to max things (for future use), at another 30 hours of game play I suspect. Let me see, about 65 hours, all told. What with breaks for nerves, food, and just to get off my butt, this is two weeks of gaming, all for $18 (not including the game system, of course). Not bad, really.
Well, back to getting me teeth kicked in. Just thought to let you know I am still alive. Still working things out. And mostly a happy camper.
Friday, January 6, 2012
A sad state of affairs.
.
.
I have been playing computer games since graphics were letters and numbers, literally. I like to think of myself as somewhat of a pro. So, here I am, playing my first game on easy. It has been a long time since I gamed and I never liked controllers. I am enjoying the game though. And I am learning how to use a controller. It will take time. One thing about games is they add structure, almost like work, to my days. While I can't focus enough to read, I can figure things out just by doing them. I suppose you could say games are as close to work and study as I can functionally get.
I did have someone recently comment that there are locals who are so into gaming they aren't holding down jobs. I know people like that, but that isn't me. I was out of work, unable to work, long before I ever bought a game machine. I don't think he was talking about me, in a round about way though. He was just suggesting that some people shouldn't sit around playing, after I asked if he knew any other players. If they are young and healthy, I agree. Still, if that is all they do and have managed their lives around it, why waste their talents? Yeah, yeah.
On to bed. I keep pushing my nights further into daytime. I should be able to work things around before long again. Yes, good night and day or something.
.
I have been playing computer games since graphics were letters and numbers, literally. I like to think of myself as somewhat of a pro. So, here I am, playing my first game on easy. It has been a long time since I gamed and I never liked controllers. I am enjoying the game though. And I am learning how to use a controller. It will take time. One thing about games is they add structure, almost like work, to my days. While I can't focus enough to read, I can figure things out just by doing them. I suppose you could say games are as close to work and study as I can functionally get.
I did have someone recently comment that there are locals who are so into gaming they aren't holding down jobs. I know people like that, but that isn't me. I was out of work, unable to work, long before I ever bought a game machine. I don't think he was talking about me, in a round about way though. He was just suggesting that some people shouldn't sit around playing, after I asked if he knew any other players. If they are young and healthy, I agree. Still, if that is all they do and have managed their lives around it, why waste their talents? Yeah, yeah.
On to bed. I keep pushing my nights further into daytime. I should be able to work things around before long again. Yes, good night and day or something.
Gaming again.
.
.
Oh, I know, playing with toys. It offers no worth, economically. Nor does it, regardless what some doctor of whatever says, make me a bit smarter. It does improve, or maintain, solid hand-eye coordination. What it does do is help me stay awake longer, more easily. The longer I am awake, up to a point, the more chance I have to get to other things. Then again, when I can stay on the medicines most recently prescribed, I am doing much better at having a fuller day. At least I have entertainment I can enjoy. Television and movies? You have no option in how the thing plays out. I like being involved.
I set up just the basic PS3 system. I haven't put the 'move' portion of it together and installed it. One thing at a time. Besides, the first games I am going to play are old standard controller games. As I get better, perhaps on a good day with my work being caught up around the home, on a weekend, I will get to that. For now, I'm still digging my way out. And gaming will help with that.
The first game I am playing is called Dead Space (the first one, I also bought the second one). I actually tried to buy games in collections, which were cheaper in groups then their newest edition. That way I get a bit of the back story (and didn't spend so much up front). Some games don't have a PS3 title, only PS2, which I can't play. I did buy several of the newest (expensive) games. But mostly I stuck with old, cheap, and yet still better than I have ever had games.
I am going to try to make it to Mass tomorrow. No promises. Sleep has been very difficult to manage. I am slowly advancing my bedtime into the day. I wish I could move it faster but that is the way it is. Off the medicines I have zero control regarding sleep. On them, over time, I generally "normalize" to a pretty solid day and night wake and sleep pattern. I'm a silly man, it must seem, from the outside. If you wore my shoes, took on this illness, you would be amazed at how well I run this show with what I have though. I promise you that. You would be in a nursing home, the hospital, or in bed at home waiting to die. I'm not you. Then again, you aren't me. Judge at your leisure, and peril.
Have a good morning. I would try to sleep, here at 2:20, but that simply won't work. I am too awake. I'll have a good morning too, just... in my own weird way.
.
Oh, I know, playing with toys. It offers no worth, economically. Nor does it, regardless what some doctor of whatever says, make me a bit smarter. It does improve, or maintain, solid hand-eye coordination. What it does do is help me stay awake longer, more easily. The longer I am awake, up to a point, the more chance I have to get to other things. Then again, when I can stay on the medicines most recently prescribed, I am doing much better at having a fuller day. At least I have entertainment I can enjoy. Television and movies? You have no option in how the thing plays out. I like being involved.
I set up just the basic PS3 system. I haven't put the 'move' portion of it together and installed it. One thing at a time. Besides, the first games I am going to play are old standard controller games. As I get better, perhaps on a good day with my work being caught up around the home, on a weekend, I will get to that. For now, I'm still digging my way out. And gaming will help with that.
The first game I am playing is called Dead Space (the first one, I also bought the second one). I actually tried to buy games in collections, which were cheaper in groups then their newest edition. That way I get a bit of the back story (and didn't spend so much up front). Some games don't have a PS3 title, only PS2, which I can't play. I did buy several of the newest (expensive) games. But mostly I stuck with old, cheap, and yet still better than I have ever had games.
I am going to try to make it to Mass tomorrow. No promises. Sleep has been very difficult to manage. I am slowly advancing my bedtime into the day. I wish I could move it faster but that is the way it is. Off the medicines I have zero control regarding sleep. On them, over time, I generally "normalize" to a pretty solid day and night wake and sleep pattern. I'm a silly man, it must seem, from the outside. If you wore my shoes, took on this illness, you would be amazed at how well I run this show with what I have though. I promise you that. You would be in a nursing home, the hospital, or in bed at home waiting to die. I'm not you. Then again, you aren't me. Judge at your leisure, and peril.
Have a good morning. I would try to sleep, here at 2:20, but that simply won't work. I am too awake. I'll have a good morning too, just... in my own weird way.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Up and at it.
.
.
Moving slowly, I surveyed the doors. My toy was in. I brought it in, plugged in what gets plugged in to charge, and started a blog and news survey. Looks like all my people are still alive, some of them kicking already today. I am just about ready to shower, suit up, and hit the road. I need to call the gym and check about when the membership staff will be able to see me. Then I'll be ready. I should check my mail. Some of the things I ordered came USPS, some of it came to my door.
My friend is waiting. I can only move just so fast. Oh, best chug my potassium and take the rest of my medicine too. I have been doing well that way. Actually, I was doing very good before, until two weeks of fight dreams crushed me physically. I was so absolutely exhausted I could do little. I am back on track. And, it looks as if, when I fall in the future, I have an excellent chance of the fall being rather short. In the middle of winter, with dreams as a huge contributing factor, and only a few weeks after falling, I am back on the rise. I didn't quite lose 'consciousness' either. I was aware. I kept trying to figure out how to rise. And, now, I am doing it (if this is my third or fourth plan off attack).
I hope I can get up to high-functioning soon. There are things I need and want to do. I am not too worried about KoC work, as that is dependent on others and they have been busy with Christmas and New Years. With the parties over it is time to begin work, but they are just getting back to work, so... These things take time. I will do what I can, when I can, how I can, as others and myself are able and willing. I do need to investigate the accident claims at city hall. I need to readjust my day for Mass and swimming and visits to my friend. And I need to bring order back to my home. It will happen.
Oh, I thought I would get involved this year, again, with the primary in Utah. Hmm, it doesn't happen until June 26, 2012. Huh? And Californians are complaining? We are the last primary in the nation. Still, for instate politicians, it might still be worth it. But the decision about the candidate for president will be decided long before we get a chance at that. Yes, yes, I'll still get involved. I'm just a little disappointed. June 26th? ARghrheHGhehgh!
Good day.
.
Moving slowly, I surveyed the doors. My toy was in. I brought it in, plugged in what gets plugged in to charge, and started a blog and news survey. Looks like all my people are still alive, some of them kicking already today. I am just about ready to shower, suit up, and hit the road. I need to call the gym and check about when the membership staff will be able to see me. Then I'll be ready. I should check my mail. Some of the things I ordered came USPS, some of it came to my door.
My friend is waiting. I can only move just so fast. Oh, best chug my potassium and take the rest of my medicine too. I have been doing well that way. Actually, I was doing very good before, until two weeks of fight dreams crushed me physically. I was so absolutely exhausted I could do little. I am back on track. And, it looks as if, when I fall in the future, I have an excellent chance of the fall being rather short. In the middle of winter, with dreams as a huge contributing factor, and only a few weeks after falling, I am back on the rise. I didn't quite lose 'consciousness' either. I was aware. I kept trying to figure out how to rise. And, now, I am doing it (if this is my third or fourth plan off attack).
I hope I can get up to high-functioning soon. There are things I need and want to do. I am not too worried about KoC work, as that is dependent on others and they have been busy with Christmas and New Years. With the parties over it is time to begin work, but they are just getting back to work, so... These things take time. I will do what I can, when I can, how I can, as others and myself are able and willing. I do need to investigate the accident claims at city hall. I need to readjust my day for Mass and swimming and visits to my friend. And I need to bring order back to my home. It will happen.
Oh, I thought I would get involved this year, again, with the primary in Utah. Hmm, it doesn't happen until June 26, 2012. Huh? And Californians are complaining? We are the last primary in the nation. Still, for instate politicians, it might still be worth it. But the decision about the candidate for president will be decided long before we get a chance at that. Yes, yes, I'll still get involved. I'm just a little disappointed. June 26th? ARghrheHGhehgh!
Good day.
Up all night.
.
.
Sleep is a problem. My days and nights have again become confused. I think I will be able to be to bed earlier tonight/this morning though. While 3:30 or 4:00 doesn't seem all that early, it is a comparison game. It beats a bedtime of 6:00 or 8:00. I did most of the dishes, but that was all. It was enough that I feel better. More to do tomorrow.
I called my friend. He wants transportation to do some shopping. Happy to oblige, I will be in tomorrow. My game system is coming, as soon as that arrives and I have it set to charge, I will head into town. I would also like to get started on the club membership. I want that set for as early in the month as possible, so I see the bill right away. I hate mid-month bills.
I have been looking for a swimmers mp3 player. I had never quite considered such a thing until I stumbled upon it. Why though? Because, like it or not, swimming, when you get to level, is boring as crapola. Music adds a bit of spice. A little rock-a-roll-a should help. Boy are they pricey though. Well, in the $150 range. I won't order one until I am sure I am going to be swimming, for sure.
Here is the one I am thinking of the most. There is another. This one is in solid contention. The problem with the second one is it isn't as good for land use, I believe. Further, to use it on land you would need to attach it to a headband or something. The first one is tiny, a quarter would fit over the circle in the center. Pretty pricey for such a small item, and it doesn't come with waterproof headphones, just standard earbuds I believe. Oh, but to beat the boredom, at least initially? Yeah, worthwhile. Maybe in a month or two, if all goes well, and if I see my money coming back into the black. So, actually, it is fantasy for now.
I will also need vision correcting goggles (which are actually rather cheap these days) and perhaps a newfangled towel and mesh knapsack. I wanted a kickboard, but there don't seem to be adult ones readily available. There are shorter fins that supposedly do that as well, but I am unfamiliar with them. Perhaps the pool will offer kickboards though, for now. The first thing I will have to strengthen is my legs. I learned that last time. When the legs are in good enough shape, then the arms aren't overworking. That's a rough thing as arm swimming isn't as good as a good mix and proper proportion of leg and arm swimming.
Well, good night.
.
Sleep is a problem. My days and nights have again become confused. I think I will be able to be to bed earlier tonight/this morning though. While 3:30 or 4:00 doesn't seem all that early, it is a comparison game. It beats a bedtime of 6:00 or 8:00. I did most of the dishes, but that was all. It was enough that I feel better. More to do tomorrow.
I called my friend. He wants transportation to do some shopping. Happy to oblige, I will be in tomorrow. My game system is coming, as soon as that arrives and I have it set to charge, I will head into town. I would also like to get started on the club membership. I want that set for as early in the month as possible, so I see the bill right away. I hate mid-month bills.
I have been looking for a swimmers mp3 player. I had never quite considered such a thing until I stumbled upon it. Why though? Because, like it or not, swimming, when you get to level, is boring as crapola. Music adds a bit of spice. A little rock-a-roll-a should help. Boy are they pricey though. Well, in the $150 range. I won't order one until I am sure I am going to be swimming, for sure.
Here is the one I am thinking of the most. There is another. This one is in solid contention. The problem with the second one is it isn't as good for land use, I believe. Further, to use it on land you would need to attach it to a headband or something. The first one is tiny, a quarter would fit over the circle in the center. Pretty pricey for such a small item, and it doesn't come with waterproof headphones, just standard earbuds I believe. Oh, but to beat the boredom, at least initially? Yeah, worthwhile. Maybe in a month or two, if all goes well, and if I see my money coming back into the black. So, actually, it is fantasy for now.
I will also need vision correcting goggles (which are actually rather cheap these days) and perhaps a newfangled towel and mesh knapsack. I wanted a kickboard, but there don't seem to be adult ones readily available. There are shorter fins that supposedly do that as well, but I am unfamiliar with them. Perhaps the pool will offer kickboards though, for now. The first thing I will have to strengthen is my legs. I learned that last time. When the legs are in good enough shape, then the arms aren't overworking. That's a rough thing as arm swimming isn't as good as a good mix and proper proportion of leg and arm swimming.
Well, good night.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Well?
.
.
Well. Indeed. No going out tonight. I did soak a good portion of the dishes, took a shower, then washed one load of dishes. As I went to get more fully prepared to leave I realized that would not happen. There isn't a way for me to get going. I will call my friend and see about a visit tomorrow afternoon or early evening.
I may be able to finish the dishes I have soaking, maybe more. I might dig into laundry. And I have had a nice small meal and hope to have a few more before I sleep. A bit of straightening may happen as well. Nothing fancy, some or all, perhaps nothing. Just a goal with some of it already done. The medicines are beginning to work again but it does take time, more time in winter maybe? On the good side, my eyes are beginning, slowly, to water back up. Yummy.
I sure like my girls. Whether pestering me for food, to be let out, taking turns turning papa into a man-pillow, or fighting for no reason that I can discern, they enrich my little life in ways I can't really describe. By insisting that they are alive and inculcating me into their designs of world domination, I live the more. The loving looks they give me when I pet them and coo sweet nothings about my favors upon them, the affectionate rubbing against my legs, letting me know they are here and care, even their angry actions when they are hungry (or still hungry after being just fed for the "little" one), all keep me more in the here and now. If you don't have pets, think about it. I give them a little bit of me, as God gave to me. We both become a little bit more than we would have been otherwise.
Well, on to... something. Later, maybe good night.
.
Well. Indeed. No going out tonight. I did soak a good portion of the dishes, took a shower, then washed one load of dishes. As I went to get more fully prepared to leave I realized that would not happen. There isn't a way for me to get going. I will call my friend and see about a visit tomorrow afternoon or early evening.
I may be able to finish the dishes I have soaking, maybe more. I might dig into laundry. And I have had a nice small meal and hope to have a few more before I sleep. A bit of straightening may happen as well. Nothing fancy, some or all, perhaps nothing. Just a goal with some of it already done. The medicines are beginning to work again but it does take time, more time in winter maybe? On the good side, my eyes are beginning, slowly, to water back up. Yummy.
I sure like my girls. Whether pestering me for food, to be let out, taking turns turning papa into a man-pillow, or fighting for no reason that I can discern, they enrich my little life in ways I can't really describe. By insisting that they are alive and inculcating me into their designs of world domination, I live the more. The loving looks they give me when I pet them and coo sweet nothings about my favors upon them, the affectionate rubbing against my legs, letting me know they are here and care, even their angry actions when they are hungry (or still hungry after being just fed for the "little" one), all keep me more in the here and now. If you don't have pets, think about it. I give them a little bit of me, as God gave to me. We both become a little bit more than we would have been otherwise.
Well, on to... something. Later, maybe good night.
Hmm.
.
.
It seems when I fall, sometimes I skip hitting bottom and just keep on going. Laugh, damn you. Thankfully, usually I am too out of it to feel the pain. Beyond falling off medicines I had also stopped drinking and eating. I am so extremely dehydrated my eyes hurt, now that I can notice. There isn't enough fluid in my body to normally liquidize my eyes. I am working on both drinking more and taking my pills again, with regular eating as something of a goal more than a practice so far. You have no idea what it is to truly crawl. No worries, it keeps me humble!
I haven't been very active yet. I have a goal of eating a bit more and starting on dishes and laundry today. I note my friend has called twice today, I might head into town if I can get one load of dishes done and another set to soak quickly. I don't actually feel bad, ill, or such, other than my eyes. But then I doubt if I would feel much whether pain should exist or not. I should say my eyes don't hurt, they just get sticky and my vision becomes blurry for that. I do see the way out and up and am taking the necessary steps. And it is working, slowly of course. There is that.
Wintertime is a more difficult time. Given the circumstances I consider myself to be doing well. I know in the fall or winter, actually potentially both times and several times, I will fall harder than usual. This year has actually been one of my easiest initial seasonal falls since before I truly became disablingly ill. I am getting better, vastly better, in the big picture, here and now. Not fast enough to ever escape the black hole of a bad heart, but enough that I might be gaining traction in my personal life. Perhaps up to the point of finding a wife.
Well, I best get on things. Getting to town would be good. Seeing a friend even better. Have a great day.
.
It seems when I fall, sometimes I skip hitting bottom and just keep on going. Laugh, damn you. Thankfully, usually I am too out of it to feel the pain. Beyond falling off medicines I had also stopped drinking and eating. I am so extremely dehydrated my eyes hurt, now that I can notice. There isn't enough fluid in my body to normally liquidize my eyes. I am working on both drinking more and taking my pills again, with regular eating as something of a goal more than a practice so far. You have no idea what it is to truly crawl. No worries, it keeps me humble!
I haven't been very active yet. I have a goal of eating a bit more and starting on dishes and laundry today. I note my friend has called twice today, I might head into town if I can get one load of dishes done and another set to soak quickly. I don't actually feel bad, ill, or such, other than my eyes. But then I doubt if I would feel much whether pain should exist or not. I should say my eyes don't hurt, they just get sticky and my vision becomes blurry for that. I do see the way out and up and am taking the necessary steps. And it is working, slowly of course. There is that.
Wintertime is a more difficult time. Given the circumstances I consider myself to be doing well. I know in the fall or winter, actually potentially both times and several times, I will fall harder than usual. This year has actually been one of my easiest initial seasonal falls since before I truly became disablingly ill. I am getting better, vastly better, in the big picture, here and now. Not fast enough to ever escape the black hole of a bad heart, but enough that I might be gaining traction in my personal life. Perhaps up to the point of finding a wife.
Well, I best get on things. Getting to town would be good. Seeing a friend even better. Have a great day.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Steak?
.
.
Well, not so much steak as a small slab of beef meat. But that is what is for dinner. I have been marinating a number of them and will fry one up. I am exploring very small cuts of meat. These didn't look all that appetizing, thus marination. All of it is experimental. I do need to eat much more frequently and in much smaller amounts. We will see how this goes. Salami and cheese is back on the menu. I need to get the kitchen cleaned up again and make some chili, rice, and beans. If I do the beans first I won't need to clean the pot before doing chili. And if I make enough of a mix of beans, I can keep the canned beans for emergency 'starvation' episodes, or when I am far too tired to tinker.
My game system is finally shipping! It is coming from Arizona so I think it will be a rather short ride, Wednesday at the latest. I purchased extra controllers and plenty of games, along with a few extras. Since my computer broke, the only game I have been able to play is an old Duke Nukem game. Of which, by the way, I am an expert, plus. Some of the games I purchased were games that came out long ago but my computer, not the loaner but mine, couldn't play. Some of them are cheap now, very cheap. They are probably far better than any games I have ever played as for looks, environment, and controls (albeit with a stupid controller mostly). But to be honest? Games are games. There are few that have stood out. Doom, Duke Nukem, and a few others were favored, but more because there were few games like them when they came out. Now? Tons of games, new and old, all somewhat similar. War games, fps, sci-fi, role-playing, and some puzzle games are my favored. Actually, I don't play any other kind of game. I never liked strategy, usually there wasn't really a good way to win and it was always thin, plus I believed the computer usually cheated to it's advantage through knowledge or damage assessments. No, this should be fun! There might be others around town who play too. It would be cool to link up and have some co-op or other multi-player local gaming.
Yeah, I know. I need to get back into things. The medicines seem to be helping, even this shortly back into them. And something I didn't notice has returned. spironolactone was causing me to not function as males should. Odd, in spite of the warnings of many of the medicines I take, none of the others have that affect. I was also surprised that it took so long after not taking it for the effects to wear off. If you have seen Fight Club, you have to remember Bob, from the testicular cancer group? Oh yeah, I feared that. After I found out about spiro, and quit it, I kept checking my chest for about a week. Terrified something untoward (or would that be toward) might be happening. Nope. I can jog safely and swim without onlookers.
Has anyone else noticed how complicated even the simple things in life are? As my game machine is shipping, I am thinking about how to best set up my living room. The coffee table has to be adjusted. Some other things need to be rearranged too, I think. Lots to do. Everything I do for this will affect other things, causing a chain reaction of thoughts and questions concerning placements, aesthetics, function. I never seem able to get everything to work just right, fit right, and stay satisfied. And yet I am not into moving it all around as I know that still won't work. Now, remember, I am just talking about rearranging one room, with relatively few pieces of furniture, for ease of gameplay coupled with humble aesthetics. When it gets to the big things, like the whole house, or more when dealing with people? And, further, when considering God? Yes, complicated. More complicated than I will ever learn to... manage. I think we just survive life, until we don't. :p
Hmm, hungry. And best get my meds down.
.
Well, not so much steak as a small slab of beef meat. But that is what is for dinner. I have been marinating a number of them and will fry one up. I am exploring very small cuts of meat. These didn't look all that appetizing, thus marination. All of it is experimental. I do need to eat much more frequently and in much smaller amounts. We will see how this goes. Salami and cheese is back on the menu. I need to get the kitchen cleaned up again and make some chili, rice, and beans. If I do the beans first I won't need to clean the pot before doing chili. And if I make enough of a mix of beans, I can keep the canned beans for emergency 'starvation' episodes, or when I am far too tired to tinker.
My game system is finally shipping! It is coming from Arizona so I think it will be a rather short ride, Wednesday at the latest. I purchased extra controllers and plenty of games, along with a few extras. Since my computer broke, the only game I have been able to play is an old Duke Nukem game. Of which, by the way, I am an expert, plus. Some of the games I purchased were games that came out long ago but my computer, not the loaner but mine, couldn't play. Some of them are cheap now, very cheap. They are probably far better than any games I have ever played as for looks, environment, and controls (albeit with a stupid controller mostly). But to be honest? Games are games. There are few that have stood out. Doom, Duke Nukem, and a few others were favored, but more because there were few games like them when they came out. Now? Tons of games, new and old, all somewhat similar. War games, fps, sci-fi, role-playing, and some puzzle games are my favored. Actually, I don't play any other kind of game. I never liked strategy, usually there wasn't really a good way to win and it was always thin, plus I believed the computer usually cheated to it's advantage through knowledge or damage assessments. No, this should be fun! There might be others around town who play too. It would be cool to link up and have some co-op or other multi-player local gaming.
Yeah, I know. I need to get back into things. The medicines seem to be helping, even this shortly back into them. And something I didn't notice has returned. spironolactone was causing me to not function as males should. Odd, in spite of the warnings of many of the medicines I take, none of the others have that affect. I was also surprised that it took so long after not taking it for the effects to wear off. If you have seen Fight Club, you have to remember Bob, from the testicular cancer group? Oh yeah, I feared that. After I found out about spiro, and quit it, I kept checking my chest for about a week. Terrified something untoward (or would that be toward) might be happening. Nope. I can jog safely and swim without onlookers.
Has anyone else noticed how complicated even the simple things in life are? As my game machine is shipping, I am thinking about how to best set up my living room. The coffee table has to be adjusted. Some other things need to be rearranged too, I think. Lots to do. Everything I do for this will affect other things, causing a chain reaction of thoughts and questions concerning placements, aesthetics, function. I never seem able to get everything to work just right, fit right, and stay satisfied. And yet I am not into moving it all around as I know that still won't work. Now, remember, I am just talking about rearranging one room, with relatively few pieces of furniture, for ease of gameplay coupled with humble aesthetics. When it gets to the big things, like the whole house, or more when dealing with people? And, further, when considering God? Yes, complicated. More complicated than I will ever learn to... manage. I think we just survive life, until we don't. :p
Hmm, hungry. And best get my meds down.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
While wandering throug the forest, I actually saw the trees!
.
.
This morning, as I was waiting for the right time to get ready for Church, I kept thinking foolish thoughts. Like, 'I have two hours, how about cooking some breakfast?', or, 'I have an hour before Church starts, perhaps I can get on that shower stuff in an half hour?'. No, no, no, no, no! I dodged those bullets. Even so, I barely made it to Church on time. I made it before Mass even started, by a good five to ten minutes! I know there is something about horseshoes and hand grenades, if in this case it would require a holy hand grenade. Never mind.
Something I realized, when I got in my pew, put the knew rest down, and kneeled for my settling in prayer before Mass. Even with a two year hiatus from Church attendance, and despite my fears otherwise, kneeling is no difficulty now at all. In Iowa City I was in such bad shape that, even after missing Church for a month or two, going back in to Mass it would take a month to get used to kneeling again. No back pains, no knee pains, no cramps, nothing. I would sweet bullets when I would kneel in church for nearly that whole month while I was regaining my kneeling skills. Literally, it hurt enough that I would sweet out. I almost passed out a time or two. Further, now, on these medicines and in Utah, I have been going regularly for... five, six... eight? weeks now? I did miss one Sabbath service. Last weekend I think. I had hoped to make it to the one in town and it wasn't operating. I was there, on time, but no one else was there. Still, a very good run for me, and throw in many week day masses to boot.
After Church I did make it in to several stores, filled my gas tank and washed the X. It is an absolutely beautiful day, and dry. I had to take the opportunity afforded me. Who knows how long before the next opportunity and conflux of events would see me to being able to reasonably, safely, wisely, washing her. I picked up a number of foods for small meals. Not too much food, I am going to have to become practiced at small meals again. I also added to my mid and long term larders. Just a bit for now. I need to see where my money is coming and going before I mess with too much more. I will speak with the missionaries and see about getting some assistance with learning to store food, and hands on advice, somewhere after the third of next month. I will draw up a plan this month and be ready. I might even, by then, have more of what I need purchased. There will be room for improvement on my plan, and there are things I just... can't quite do, don't know how to do, don't trust myself to do unsupervised, at least yet. I aim to fix that. And, I will probably be buying bits and pieces throughout the month. I have two thirds of the tp I want, for now. I have 72 rolls in long term, I plan to get another 36 pack. And for typical use, I have 36 rolls for short to medium term. At least with no women folk to attend, 106 rolls, plus my 36 standard rolls, will last me, personally, well over a year. I definitely need to get cans of tuna too. I truly can eat that for a long time. Canned chicken is pretty wretched, but I might lay some of that up anyway. And then maybe assorted canned vegetables and such for medium term use will go in throughout the month, as well as sweeteners. The rest will wait for next payday.
Odd, but I have been freezing in my home lately. So I had the furnace up. When I returned from shopping and Mass though I almost felt like I was cooking when I came indoors. I need to be more active again. Working on that. Yes, today is a rambling day for the blog. I needed it to help keep me up, then get me going.
I am enjoying my new year. You?
.
This morning, as I was waiting for the right time to get ready for Church, I kept thinking foolish thoughts. Like, 'I have two hours, how about cooking some breakfast?', or, 'I have an hour before Church starts, perhaps I can get on that shower stuff in an half hour?'. No, no, no, no, no! I dodged those bullets. Even so, I barely made it to Church on time. I made it before Mass even started, by a good five to ten minutes! I know there is something about horseshoes and hand grenades, if in this case it would require a holy hand grenade. Never mind.
Something I realized, when I got in my pew, put the knew rest down, and kneeled for my settling in prayer before Mass. Even with a two year hiatus from Church attendance, and despite my fears otherwise, kneeling is no difficulty now at all. In Iowa City I was in such bad shape that, even after missing Church for a month or two, going back in to Mass it would take a month to get used to kneeling again. No back pains, no knee pains, no cramps, nothing. I would sweet bullets when I would kneel in church for nearly that whole month while I was regaining my kneeling skills. Literally, it hurt enough that I would sweet out. I almost passed out a time or two. Further, now, on these medicines and in Utah, I have been going regularly for... five, six... eight? weeks now? I did miss one Sabbath service. Last weekend I think. I had hoped to make it to the one in town and it wasn't operating. I was there, on time, but no one else was there. Still, a very good run for me, and throw in many week day masses to boot.
After Church I did make it in to several stores, filled my gas tank and washed the X. It is an absolutely beautiful day, and dry. I had to take the opportunity afforded me. Who knows how long before the next opportunity and conflux of events would see me to being able to reasonably, safely, wisely, washing her. I picked up a number of foods for small meals. Not too much food, I am going to have to become practiced at small meals again. I also added to my mid and long term larders. Just a bit for now. I need to see where my money is coming and going before I mess with too much more. I will speak with the missionaries and see about getting some assistance with learning to store food, and hands on advice, somewhere after the third of next month. I will draw up a plan this month and be ready. I might even, by then, have more of what I need purchased. There will be room for improvement on my plan, and there are things I just... can't quite do, don't know how to do, don't trust myself to do unsupervised, at least yet. I aim to fix that. And, I will probably be buying bits and pieces throughout the month. I have two thirds of the tp I want, for now. I have 72 rolls in long term, I plan to get another 36 pack. And for typical use, I have 36 rolls for short to medium term. At least with no women folk to attend, 106 rolls, plus my 36 standard rolls, will last me, personally, well over a year. I definitely need to get cans of tuna too. I truly can eat that for a long time. Canned chicken is pretty wretched, but I might lay some of that up anyway. And then maybe assorted canned vegetables and such for medium term use will go in throughout the month, as well as sweeteners. The rest will wait for next payday.
Odd, but I have been freezing in my home lately. So I had the furnace up. When I returned from shopping and Mass though I almost felt like I was cooking when I came indoors. I need to be more active again. Working on that. Yes, today is a rambling day for the blog. I needed it to help keep me up, then get me going.
I am enjoying my new year. You?
Crawling out of the pit.
.
.
I sure hate it when I fall. Getting back up, often, is a bear. It starts with realizing I have fallen. While it seems that you would know right away, when your mind falls with you, that just isn't the case. And, lately, I have some mild but disturbing ups and downs so I have never quite been sure when I am down and when I am trying to get up. The stages can be confused, because after falling down and realizing it, the next step is to develop a plan to get up. And much of this last couple of falls and attempts at rising I have had a plan in place. I had to realize my plan(s) were ineffective, not strong or smart enough, or simply not sufficient for some other reason(s), scrap them, then figure out a new plan.
My new plan was discussed recently. Medicines, food, God, in that order I thought. Maybe not if I can make it to Mass today. I finally reset my medicine container. I was not able to focus before now to get that done. I had to take some medicines out, cut them, and put them back in at a lower dose. Oh, and I have quit spironolactone due to the risk of gynecomastia. One of my half-brothers had it in his teens, so I may be at risk (to my mind). It can, in other words, cause man-boobs. Anyway, it is all set up and I took my first dose for some time this morning and am drinking my potassium as I speak. Oh, and speaking of potassium, spironolactone is contraindicted when using potassium. It can be a lethal mix. Some doctors I have. There is a newer drug for my needs, eplerenone, but it increases creatine production, and I am way over the line on that as is. Nope, I think I have to stick, pretty much, with my original treatment plan.
Getting to Mass, then the store, would help greatly. I will be buying foods for small, quick, frequent meals. Right now I am not going to be too particular, though over time I am hoping to set up rice and beans on tap again, and begin having whole grain cereals much more frequently. I need to learn how to cook small portions of meats as well. Three to four ounce portions, along with rice, or beans, or other whole grains, and some vegetables and fruits in there as sides or snacks. I need the Eucharist more though. When I miss it, I starve in a way food cannot lend comfort.
I best get a shower, get dressed and groomed, and hit the road.
.
I sure hate it when I fall. Getting back up, often, is a bear. It starts with realizing I have fallen. While it seems that you would know right away, when your mind falls with you, that just isn't the case. And, lately, I have some mild but disturbing ups and downs so I have never quite been sure when I am down and when I am trying to get up. The stages can be confused, because after falling down and realizing it, the next step is to develop a plan to get up. And much of this last couple of falls and attempts at rising I have had a plan in place. I had to realize my plan(s) were ineffective, not strong or smart enough, or simply not sufficient for some other reason(s), scrap them, then figure out a new plan.
My new plan was discussed recently. Medicines, food, God, in that order I thought. Maybe not if I can make it to Mass today. I finally reset my medicine container. I was not able to focus before now to get that done. I had to take some medicines out, cut them, and put them back in at a lower dose. Oh, and I have quit spironolactone due to the risk of gynecomastia. One of my half-brothers had it in his teens, so I may be at risk (to my mind). It can, in other words, cause man-boobs. Anyway, it is all set up and I took my first dose for some time this morning and am drinking my potassium as I speak. Oh, and speaking of potassium, spironolactone is contraindicted when using potassium. It can be a lethal mix. Some doctors I have. There is a newer drug for my needs, eplerenone, but it increases creatine production, and I am way over the line on that as is. Nope, I think I have to stick, pretty much, with my original treatment plan.
Getting to Mass, then the store, would help greatly. I will be buying foods for small, quick, frequent meals. Right now I am not going to be too particular, though over time I am hoping to set up rice and beans on tap again, and begin having whole grain cereals much more frequently. I need to learn how to cook small portions of meats as well. Three to four ounce portions, along with rice, or beans, or other whole grains, and some vegetables and fruits in there as sides or snacks. I need the Eucharist more though. When I miss it, I starve in a way food cannot lend comfort.
I best get a shower, get dressed and groomed, and hit the road.
Oh, someone supports my notions?
.
.
And it sounds like he is an LEO (law enforcement officer). My notion? To never surrender. There may be times where there honestly isn't a choice. Truly. Or it may seem that way. You might be surprised though. Many people think that having more people or guns at the ready makes them the authority and authorities don't expect hard, fast, furious, feedback. In any case I thought to share this. I think more people, including women, need to understand the rules.
“"Never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never - in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense"……..Winston Churchill, Oct 29, 1941
I do not know the author of the following article but he has a point. Surrender is not an option and this article make a good case for that position.
The Phases of Surrender
The first phase of surrender is failing to be armed, trained and committed to fight. We are prepared to surrender when we are unprepared to resist.
The second phase of surrender is failing to be alert. You must see trouble coming in order to have time to respond. The warning may be less than one second but it will be there and it must be recognized and acted upon immediately.
The Third phase of surrender is giving up your weapons.
The last phase of surrender is up to the monsters who have taken control of your life and perhaps the lives of your loved ones. The last phase of surrender is out of your hands.
Click on any of that to read the whole thing. Some of it, such as war time events, may not be interesting to you, or needed. But much of the rest of it might well serve your needs. The blog in which it is contained may also have other bits of interest. Who knows, knowing how to make your own soap, use cooking oils, small ramekins, and a bit of string might allow you to have relatively safe and easy lighting when the electricity goes out. There is much more there, and some things that are well beyond the ken of any I know, and certainly beyond any one man no matter how rich in any case. Still, it is a useful place, even if just for thought.
.
And it sounds like he is an LEO (law enforcement officer). My notion? To never surrender. There may be times where there honestly isn't a choice. Truly. Or it may seem that way. You might be surprised though. Many people think that having more people or guns at the ready makes them the authority and authorities don't expect hard, fast, furious, feedback. In any case I thought to share this. I think more people, including women, need to understand the rules.
“"Never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never - in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense"……..Winston Churchill, Oct 29, 1941
I do not know the author of the following article but he has a point. Surrender is not an option and this article make a good case for that position.
The Phases of Surrender
The first phase of surrender is failing to be armed, trained and committed to fight. We are prepared to surrender when we are unprepared to resist.
The second phase of surrender is failing to be alert. You must see trouble coming in order to have time to respond. The warning may be less than one second but it will be there and it must be recognized and acted upon immediately.
The Third phase of surrender is giving up your weapons.
The last phase of surrender is up to the monsters who have taken control of your life and perhaps the lives of your loved ones. The last phase of surrender is out of your hands.
Click on any of that to read the whole thing. Some of it, such as war time events, may not be interesting to you, or needed. But much of the rest of it might well serve your needs. The blog in which it is contained may also have other bits of interest. Who knows, knowing how to make your own soap, use cooking oils, small ramekins, and a bit of string might allow you to have relatively safe and easy lighting when the electricity goes out. There is much more there, and some things that are well beyond the ken of any I know, and certainly beyond any one man no matter how rich in any case. Still, it is a useful place, even if just for thought.
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