No pain, no gain?

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All good, I have gained enough the last four or five days to last me until next year!  I thought that was never going to end, but like a horse on it's circuit, I just kept plodding in the direction I was supposed to go.  Oh, that was brutal, let me tell you.  With no pain this morning I can clearly see the difference.  It wasn't the sugar, either, I snuck a couple of Snickers bars last night.  Yeah, bought them for my long term stash.  Besides, I figure if they get too old?  Some neighbors would probably not mind having a few free treats (under their control, albeit).  Still, I don't think they will make it so long as to be considered too old.  Anyway, perhaps the reintroduction of potassium has helped?  It is a massively distributed electrolyte, and I might have been more than a little low.  So, yeah, that might be it.  Especially as the world heated.  Whatever, it is WONDERFUL!

Still a bit wobbly.  Every morning for the last five days before this morning I woke up feeling like I did the day after, in seventh grade after beating that kid that tried to force me to use pot and having his friend, a junior in high school who worked loading grain sacks at the Co-op, beat me to within an inch of death.  Fuck em', I still didn't smoke.  Heh.  That's okay, I hear that junior had a really rough month at work.  Don't mess with the kid whose mother serves drinks to your bosses.  Just... don't.  Especially when it was over me not using pot in a conservative little town.  She might not have been able to do exactly what a man could do, but she definitely could catch the ear of a man and put things in their heads.  (Gah!  Hehe)

If I can keep it together, I may try to... oh, wait, it's Sunday.  I will just rest up today.  Tomorrow I plan on being out and finishing that durned hole!  Yeah, I know.  But what I have is what I can give, and to date that has been a big fat nothing.  Dishes, though, perhaps, today.  Just the last little bits of them.  Well, and maybe laundry.  A few loads and I should be good.

I thought I would price window air conditioners.  Hmm, after some measuring, and with my windows, a casement ac seemed best.  My word those are expensive!  The cheapest I saw was $339, they easily go up to $500.  Very frustrating.  I keep looking for a smaller unit, one that might squeeze into my window, and just figure out how to put in a really thick thermal shield above it.  The window only offers 19" for width.  I keep looking.  I just hate paying $339, when I know it should only cost about half that.

Anyway, on to waking up.  And, good morning.

Well?

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I can't be sure what is wrong.  I know today was better than yesterday but pretty similar to the two days before yesterday.  Cutting sugar didn't help or hurt, changing my medicine a bit didn't do a thing, being less active seems to help, though "less active" is rather relative.  I did fry a number of pork cutlets, which makes for a wonderful meal.  I have shrunk the glass I use to take the potassium but 2/3rds of what it was.  It still takes a long time to sip that down.  It makes for a very heavy meal like drink.  I have been hitting the aspirin pretty heavy.  I can't keep that up for long though.  I may do some research on what other otc pain medicine can be used safely with aspirin.  While I like aspirin just fine, I am actually lucky to be able to tolerate it daily daily, like the doctors want.  Using it for a pain pill on these rare occasions might upset that balance.

When my vegetable stack becomes large enough, and varied enough, I will begin adding a can of that every other, or every third, meat meal.  I suppose I could add brown rice, or a few other types of grain.  I guess I am simply mostly a protein and fat kind of guy.  I am honestly not sure what vegetable are, in the protein, carb, fat scale, but they don't really seem to fit.  What are they, vitamins and such?  I need butter with them, so I suppose I could call them fats.  :p

Just... updating.  Nothing special happening, nothing planned, little gumption, and not feeling well on top of things.  Other than that, it is pretty good here.  Ha!  No, really.  I plan to get back in to take my friend out for a ride or to shoot Monday or Tuesday.  I don't have an appointment until nearly the middle of next month.  I would, I am starting to seriously think, like to figure out how to set up and install a window air conditioner in my room.  Oh yes.  I certainly would.  I can handle heat so long as I can cool off quickly, if need be, and for sleep.  These hot days, while relatively tamed by my home, are still getting into the late 70's, early 80's.

Never mind.  Have a great evening. 

Rough morning?

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My nap took twelve, nearly thirteen, hours last night.  I may have awaken in the night, and maybe once at some point in the morning, but until about 8:00 I didn't truly stir.  I woke to a seeming wall of pain so getting up was difficult.  I tried to angle my waking approach vector this way, then that, then shifting a bit after that, trying to find a way through to wakefulness that might be somewhat less painful.  I don't think I truly figured anything out that way, but when I finally stirred at a quarter to 9:00, waking was a bit easier.  The pain wasn't as bad as it was initially.  Still rather cranky though, I took extra aspirin with my medicine this morning.  At least it isn't an actual migraine today as it was yesterday.  At least I know I can do things right through a migraine.  Some people really can't.  Vision can get a little fuzzy/funky, but yesterday wasn't the worst of migraines either.

I remembered, first thing, about the groceries.  I brought them in, took them to the basement or wherever, feeding the cats after the first trip.  "But poppo, what about our bellies?", they yammered while bringing in the first packet.  My duty is to them, I accepted that, so, yeah.  With happy kitties out from under feet I carted, sorted, and stored a goodly lot of food.  I replaced what I had used, then some, plus bought groceries for up here.  My main worry, going forward, is meats.  We can't count on refrigeration, let alone a freezer.  It will have to be canned, dried, freeze dried, or something else.  I tried freeze dried meats, beef cuts.  It was somewhere between shoe leather and tree bark, and twice as indigestible.  I don't know how their hamburger is and am reluctant to give it a try, but I will eventually, if more for long term storage.  Canned meats are only good for, say, a year for sure, two or even three years as a serious(ly risky) maybe.

If it comes to the point where I have everything I want truly stocked, save meats, it may come time to consider chickens and goats.  Beef would be my favored, but breeding, handling, feed, and what is produced from what is fed favors the goat far too seriously.  The land I own could sustain up to six, even eight goats, while only allowing for one smallish cow and calf.  And while that one cow would outproduce any single goat on milk, and that one calf would outproduce any single meat kid, the numbers just aren't the same and the kid would be meat ready in months, not a year.  As for chickens?  I am not sure how that would split out, though I would want a breed that would produce good eggs and good meat, rather than a specialist species either way.  But how many one would need to produce both is a whole other notion.  I doubt if more than two chickens a week would be wanted, as things stand.  And even that might be a bit much.  Still, that would be over 50 food chicks.  Which... I simply don't know how many hens would be needed to produce that many feeders, on top of eggs.  I'll... get right on figuring that.

I have decided to simply hold my money for this and next month.  The chronograph will simply have to wait until my mother returns home.  At least I have a good idea of when she will be arriving and leaving.  It is time to begin planning a small vacation.  Just a few days in the mountains.  With it being August though, to be honest, I am not sure even the mountains will offer much refuge from the heat.  I asked my friend where it might be cooler to visit, and being sage in all things Utah, he suggested... Alaska?  Hehehe!  We needed the chuckle anyway.  I am still thinking Park City, though I will be digging around in the next few days.  I want my mom to have a few days off (uhrm, and myself).  If I don't plan it she won't go, preferring to stay right here at home.  And, maybe rightly.  I'm... thinking.  If I thought I could figure something out, even a few day trips, perhaps that might be enough.  But with the blazing heat of August, even those are suspect.  But just staying at the house she will continue to work.  Bah!  Blasted woman!

That extra aspirin has helped.  I've taken my medicine save the potassium, which I will do shortly.  I did notice something else.  I thought I was taking my full dose of medicine, but I had been missing something.  Losartan had been increased to 50 mg, I had been taking 25.  Now they are raising it to 100 mg I believe.  So, until that arrives, I have bumped the dose to 50 mg, as in intermediate step.  The problem was I still had 25 mg tabs, I had been using them two at a time, to use them up.  You know me, I hate to waste... becoming waste not, want not type of guy, finally, or at least finding my way back to that in a functional manner?  Something.  Anyway, when I started medicines back up I simply took one of what was in the bottle, forgetting my old level. I should put a note of what I am taking, the dosage too, right in the sack of medicines. I am back to using up the 25 mg tabs, by two... I will use those up first, then have to use the 50 mg two at a time when I start taking 100 mg.  Hehe  Slow but sure?

Have a good day.

To town.

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Brutal.  My head hurts like it hasn't in months.  Normally headaches are just background noise.  Not today.  For whatever reason I feel the pain, and hard.  I was busy goofing though, when my friend called. I had promised to get him shopping yesterday or today.  Yesterday didn't happen.  He called at 17:30, wanting me to be there to have him at his bank by 18:30!  Okay.  So, I didn't talk long, jumped and moved, showered, counted out some bullets and grabbed a couple of packs of primers he wanted, gussied up, and hit it.  I made it in plenty of time but his bank closed at 18:00.  Ah well.  I went to my bank pulled out the cash he wanted and put it on his tab.  It's not... really a loan.  He wasn't asking for money he didn't have, only money he couldn't get. 

On to the stores.  He needed tobacco, and I needed some too, so to this store.  But that store didn't have this or that, so to another store.  Then, finally, to a last store.  I bought too, my monthly short/mid term supplies (which I broke into, so replaced what I had used as well).  The first day of grocery shopping is always a pricey one, but it lasts well.  My head was hurting terribly the whole time, but I think I was mostly sociable.  He had too much to simply let him off, but I couldn't stay long either.  So I helped him pack it all up, then came right home.  I have the stuff that needs refrigeration in, but the rest will sit in the car until after a nap, perhaps. 

Oh, ouch.  It is a brutal, hard, painful day.  Still, I've enjoyed it, mostly.  Hopefully this is just a passing thing.  I wonder... I have been using sugar since I was out of Splenda.  Perhaps that is what is causing the headaches?  It could be the heat, though the nights have been cool enough for wonderful sleep.  I don't know.  Tomorrow I will begin going without sugar again.  I'll know might find out if sugar is the problem or not.  The knots at the base of my skull are so tight and have been for so long that they are incredible.  I hope another dose of aspirin allows a nap, then a sleep.

Good night.

Ouch.

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A cranky day.  I doubt if the "ruling" yesterday has any part in the pain of this day, if it doesn't help.  A headache, couldn't wake until noon, general illness, not good.  I did get my medicine set up for the next two weeks today, and I started my potassium.  A smaller glass of Gatorade mixed with the stuff is the way I am going for now.  No, I was ill before I took anything.  I may take an extra set of aspirin and hope that deals with the pain.  I can't be certain what the problem is but it is going to be a rough day.

While the ruling yesterday was not good, it actually doesn't effect my outlook.  I had given up on a political cure long ago, if you remember rightly.  Until Romney is seen as being as leftist as Obama is now, nothing will change (for the better).  The Republicans, including Romney, suggest that if elected they will begin to dismantle zerocare.  In other words, they will keep what they want and discard the bits they don't like.  Who knows what they will be keeping, assuming they gain power, but don't count on them not keeping the mandate.  Either through "negotiations" or a realization that the parts they want can't be kept without a mandate.  You have no rights and your reps could give a rip about what you want.  They are all making a fortune off this and monsters like it. 

It is going to be a rough day, whatever.  Still, I need to get to the store, though much later, when it cools a bit.  I had hoped to be in town after dark, but with the sun not setting until well after 20:00 or even 21:00, and Sam's Club not staying open that late, with my friend needing something from them, it looks like I will be heading in more like 17:00, give or take.  I hope aspirin does the job because right now I could not get to town.  Ouch, youch, and zouch.  Not a good start to the day. 

I did fry gizzards for lunch.  Yum!  I used the only flour I had on hand, whole wheat.  And, you know what?  I think I liked it better!  Seriously.  I was quite surprised.  I have several pork cutlets to fry before long.  I look forward to testing those with this flour.  I am absolutely amazed.  Plus, they brown so much better.  Who knew!  And, I still enjoy my little life, what is left of it, and will continue to do so.  Life is hard, but enjoying it?  Not really so hard, no matter what else happens, if I just shut my eyes for a moment and... let things go.  God does not have me here, in life.  Not technically, though there is some suggestion otherwise in the book and theories.  But we will all die, some of us horribly, in great pain.  Some of us live that way.  If I think Father didn't want it that way, He did allow us to choose the way of pain.  Father tells son about gravity, son chooses to jump off the roof of the garage anyway.  Done that, been there, have the memories to boot.  He has me ultimately.  And, yes, that is enough, more than enough.

Later.

No surprise.

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The Supreme Court is showing it's lack of reason to exist. It's sole purpose is to discriminate whether something is constitutional. While suggesting something is unconstitutional, then building a new way in which it can be claimed to be constitutional for it's "client", or self, depending on how you look at things, it has basically suggested that whatever the government does IS constitutional... even when it's not. I figured they would either try to weasel out of making a decision OR declare the abomination as constitutional, somehow.

Some will look at Roberts and wonder what is going on. To be honest, I suspect his Catholicism is behind this poor performance. I am not sure if our Pope takes a stand on things like Obamacare, but the US Bishops do, and it is the wrong side. Why they think they can offer the government the kind of power it takes to perform such potent political and economic maneuvers without losing control of that government, after having seen it happen everywhere and always, is beyond me. Further, if the Bishops are honestly pro-life, at every level, the elder-cide going on just in Britain is atrocious. If someone, over there, is fuzzy in the head, there is a good chance they will simply die from everything from malpractice to simple neglect. My guess is Roberts is on the wrong side of that for his "faith". I am, honestly, beginning to question some of the Catholic hierarchies true intentions. Perhaps abortion and elder-cide is... acceptable, regardless of what they say? Either that or we have to run through a generation of hierarchy that is full of useful idiots, much like academia and all other forms of the elite. I can't be sure, I am watching.

Essentially, to my eyes, the constitution has been declared dead, null, and void. I am not sure if there is any answer to that. The choice for president coming up is between men who both mandated the same government malfeasance that the Supreme Court just upheld, while declaring it unconstitutional. The man who lead the charge to keep the law on the books was put in place by a Republican. I don't see how a Democrat appointee could have done any worse. He has been questionable in all things, now this? There isn't a way out for America through elections. Either conservatives are done or this will become a lot more difficult going forward. The ballot box is corrupted beyond function.

I honestly wish to have died before I saw these times. But here it is. All but toothless and weak, just keeping out of the grave by God's will, there is little I can do about it. Further, I don't think anyone who could do something would. America's elite are just in it for themselves, period. And for them, for now, the getting is good. I don't have much else to say about it.

Odd.

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Oh, and by the way, my posts have gone back to just being health updates, for now.  Why?  Can't focus.  Basically, when my world contracts, the stars, moon, sun, and anything further than my feet can arrive at in a few moments disappears.  Just so you know that I know.  And just so you know why.

While my world may have shrunk to visual focal points, for the most part, I have been getting up early.  I am dragging a bit this morning, yesterday added on top of Monday really put the screws to me.  Monday was all business, but very necessary business (if they end up being able to increase heart function, not holding my breath (though for many reasons :p)).  Yesterday ended up just being an outing that was simply good for my soul.  I have so very few outings that end up being like that that it truly was a special day.  I have no idea why.  Perhaps everything was just right, truly, an epic collusion of factors.  Perhaps I am simply tired and even toast would taste like BACON!  Or maybe I am on the cusp of something, even death, and the last touches of life are... dear.  Whatever the case I am pleased about getting out yesterday.

The hospitals have been calling, setting up appointments.  Oh, and it seems there is something of my old regimen I had forgotten to add, something their blood tests showed.  I have to figure out how to get potassium back into rotation.  The only thing I have found that I can take it with is the very thing that (to my mind) brought back diabetes... Gatorade.  Then again I was drinking it with abandon.  When we dried my body out, until we got that straight, the flushing must have triggered something in my mind for I "needed" fluids like a man dying of thirst.  Perhaps, with just a glass (smaller) of it and the potassium in the morning I can sneak by.  I don't know though.  Oh, they are sending me a glucose tester.  I told the doc I won't be testing every day.  No problem, for him.  Just test a time or two fasting per week and a time or two after eating.  I can do that.  I need to start noting my bp and pulse when I do that, too.  Oh, he asked if my pulse (which was a milder 77) was normal on the medicine.  I suggested it was a bit lower than the more typical upper 80's and 90's.  That baffled him, one of my medicines is supposed to bring that down a great deal.  I wonder who they tested this medicine on?  Certainly not anyone of the Doom heritage!  Nothing works like it should, nor does my body respond as it "should".  Seriously.  If these were all new medicines I could understand, but these are older medicines.  NOTHING does what it is supposed to do.

Waking at just after 6:00, I realized my "schedule clock" has moved backwards.  That IS a sign of better things or imminent death.  Since I am not that lucky it looks like things are getting better.  Sure, just as heat is about to eat the life out of the world I finally begin to do better.  I HOPE that unbearable heat isn't the actual cure.  Then again, better when alive than after.  *grins*

Good day.

So very nice.

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It was a perfect day to get out.  The weather couldn't have been more pleasant.  My friend and I both guessed it to be about 75 F, up where we shot.  A pleasant little valley, up in the mountains, no so very far from a local ski lodge.  It beat me up, being out, but getting ready, and having been out already once this week.  Toward the end I was heading downhill pretty fast.  I have become quite weak.  I wouldn't have missed it for the world though.  I needed to be out, and today is a fluke weatherwise.  Tomorrow it will be 20 degrees <strike>warmer</strike> hotter.  Too hot to do almost anything, possibly even a bit stifling in my castle!  The drive, the shooting, the weather, the mountains, and a friend.  All... very good.

The other day I was speaking with a neighbor.  I told him a bit about my past.  And he told me a bit about his.  His wife was the first woman he even kissed, met her in college, and... that was that.  I am not sure who was more shocked by whose story!  I... thought all guys were like me, or... close... or closer.  Oh, I find his tale endearing, laudable, romantic, wonderful.  I do.  I just have no idea... what it means?  Or something.  I hope he doesn't judge me too harshly, it is as it was.  And I have certainly turned that corner.  But I will never know what he knows, nor will he know my way thankfully.  I wonder how rare having had 50 lovers is (if you include one-night stands)?  Oh, and no diseases.  I truly loved 30 of those women, and one was extra special but she is no more.  

Gone shooting.

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Soon enough.  My friend called and thought today was going to be a lot cooler than tomorrow, and perhaps for the foreseeable future.  Not that today is actually cool, if it does look like there is a breeze or wind going again.  In these things, 88 is definitely cooler than 95 or higher.  I need to shower, trim the beard to stubble, and all that.  I don't know if I will be able to handle 88 F.  That's... pretty warm.  It's only 72 here in the house.  We had a really cool, even cold, night.  I trapped what of that I could.  It looks like it is going to be a very long hot summer.

The cats are so odd.  They can beg for food three hours after having eaten and gobble that down, but then not touch food put out six hours after their last feeding.  I try to feed them every four hours, give or take.  Sam eats mostly hard food with a bit of soft on the side, Sassy eats mostly soft food if she can grumble by on hard food if that is all that is left or all that is left to her.  Sam eats like a fine diner, Sassy is done almost before I get Sam's wet food down.  Weird critters.  I finally got a laser, but neither are at all interested.  Yeah, I guess that is just for kittens.  Ah well, the next time I get a kitten I will have a laser.

I have been gaming, again, lately.  I have been working on trophies.  They aren't quite as easy to get as they might seem.  Unlike, say, schools often, or many modern parents, certain things have to be done, sometimes in order, sometimes with rather difficult circumstances.  I have completed two games, so far.  Dead Space 2 is a bear for the final trophies.  For some games I won't be able to get the trophies.  One of them took 65 hours to play through hard mode, then locked up on me, three times.  I just assume the programmers are idiots.  Well, and they were.  So that game is out, since one of the trophies, of course, is hard mode completion.  Yeah, but it is something to do when I can do little else. 

Oh!  The old coffee is finally gone.  I didn't really need a fresh pot, since I will be heading out shortly, but I made one anyway.  I will have a spot of fresh coffee, to compare.  It sure smelled good while grinding, and even better as it brews.  I do buy some serious coffee.  I just hope, with a little practice, I can make my own that good or better.  The good thing is, if I slightly overdo a French Roast?  I simply have an espresso roast.  Seriously.  And I like them both.  The real trick will be getting the timing down, figuring out how to then get them cool enough fast enough for a particular roast, and learning whether a mixed bean or straight bean is best to my tastes.  What I mean is, coffee beans are much like, say, peppers.  If you want really hot, you go with habanero, if you want a little snap go with jalapeno, and if you just want green go with bell.  But you could mix those for various levels of heat.  I have some doubt that there is all that much difference, once what a particular bean is good for is accounted.  I mean, a bean not good for French roast, of course, would be excluded from my purchase.  But of those that are included, the differences would require sommelier style tongue acrobatics to differentiate one bean from another, and often there would be mistakes. 

Well, I suppose, I best have a cup, get my guns and ammo to the fore, get a shower, and head out.  But if it is simply too hot I will have to back out.  Oh that fresher coffee is much better.  Have a good day.

A good day.

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I'm not feeling the pain that can come with the long day yesterday.  Sure, I'm not exactly chipper, or jumping out of my seat to go do either.  But on the whole today is shaping up pretty well.  The neighbor boy stopped by to water and mow.  I have suggested what he makes, if he keeps the lawn green by watering twice a week, and mows once a week, and he about choked.  No, it isn't all that much, but for a 10 year old... pure gold!  When you put it to them a certain way it gets their attention.  Since, for the last week and this week, he has been doing just that, he will get half of that on payday.  Next month, perhaps, he will keep up on it a bit better.  To be fair it has been hot and we haven't had rain in 21 days, as of today.  That is brutal on lawns.  If nothing else, at least today there is a beautiful cool wind.  It isn't even a breeze, but a true wind.  Oh does that help.

I am just going along today.  If I can get to some dishes, laundry, or a few other things, so be it.  If not, so be it.  I don't have the gumption to push.  But I woke easily, I'm idling well, life is good.  I will, probably, tonight, when the sun goes down, make a stab at sneaking to town.  I need milk, a few other groceries, cat foods, and... it's fun.

I have overspent this month, if on things worth over spending on.  What took me over was the decision to buy both the 9 mm reloading kit plus reloading consumables for that.  Everything else was right on target.  On the good side, I still haven't dipped into my nest egg.  I have more than what I intend for just that, if too I am saving for a .308, a larger long term food purchase, and a few other bigger ticket items.  Still, I am ahead, just a little behind of being quite so far ahead, but only of where I could be give everything, being ultimately very far behind, if... you know what I mean.  Uhrm, is that a self-played head game, a complex algorithm of money-life-time, or just crazy?  *grins*  All I know is that I have goals I am behind, money I will never be ahead with, time of some unknown length to prep, and many other things coming and going, but that with the givens I am doing pretty good.  I do my best, and, really, I am getting ahead.  But in the maelstrom I never quite know, for sure, anything.  I need to stop once in a while and take stock.  Uhrm, when I am too broke or too tired to do more is a good time, unless I am way too tired.

I probably will go light with spending this coming month.  The only thing I will definitely be putting out for is a chronometer and my normal short/midterm food item purchases, plus regular expenses.  With my mother coming in August, probably, I want to have some stores of money.  I think I will put off doing floor work with her this year.  I will try to make her a deal instead.  I will buy the supplies, over this coming year, for her next visit.  I plan on stripping down to the flooring structure and putting in brand new sub-flooring, flooring, and then the top layer of some sort.  What I will do is include her in the decision making.  I want to take her with while I decide what type of flooring to put down as the top layer.  She loves that sort of thing, and she has some solid input on these things.  Actually, while she is here, and with some measurements taken, I might just buy the overlay we pick (to ease her mind, if it is within my budget).  She may not have been good at providing a father, but she was as close to a one-man-band in parenting as a guy could have hoped.  And she still ain't too bad "for an old broad", as my friend might say.  *chuckles*  (Hell no I won't say that to her face!)

You know though, I moved to a right area, I bought a home, I am loading up on food and rotating it, I have some long term stocks, I have figured out food so that I don't starve, waste, and both and some of it is home delivered, I have someone doing my lawn, I am gearing up, getting tools, and learning.  Yes, slowly.  It is all painfully slow.  But then, given my income and health I would say I am moving at a stellar pace.  No, really.  And though I don't like it...  I do have to, sometimes, back off and just appreciate the beauty of the whole operation.  Think of it this way... How long can it take a sniper to move two hundred yards?  Or, think of it this way if neither of those work for you... shut up.

Have a great day.

Not bad, not bad.

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While I had hoped to be in town a bit earlier, I can't truly complain.  I was able to fill the tank and wash the X for the trip before stopping to get my friend onboard.  It was a hot day, into the mid 90's, depending.  In the city that always means it is even hotter.  We arrived an hour early.  My friend was hungry, as was I, but little time was available for him to eat and I wouldn't have been able to join him, so we waited.  I did stop at a station and bought some candy bars and soda.  He could eat that right away, and if they got me in for a blood draw early I could consume something after that.  As it turned out I had to wait for my appointment before the blood draw.  Still, with that food in us, we were able to do shopping before needing to eat a more proper meal.  Testing my A1C (long term blood glucose) and I buy a soda and candy bar for after?  Yeah, hush.  My last A1C was 12.5 (they want it below 6.0 I believe).  Ah well.  Those are rare treats, mind you.

A bit of shopping went forward.  He checked some prices, bought a few items, and enjoyed himself at the first store.  Then to a meal.  And finally to one final store.  We both loaded up on little nothings, items that are much like dime-store items of yore, and a few better items.  I found a great deal on 9 mm ammunition, bought some reloading components, he bought a case, some tools, primers, and more.  It is simply fun to... not worry about it and just do that once in a while.  On the way home I was stopped, going 61 in a 45!  I had simply missed the sign, and suggested that too the officer.  He was rather polite, and let me off with a mere verbal warning.  Thank you, wherever you are.  Heh.  Oh, and I did slow it down (mostly), being much more careful from then on.  And good thing too, the police were out all over on the way back! 

I arrived home and was entering my house when dinner arrived.  You just can't time things purposefully any better at times.  And it was delicious!  My long term oil was here, so I put that down in the cool basement.  Life is going well.

I saw a new doc this time.  He seems pretty swell.  We discussed some things, made a few changes, added a pill for the burning feet, set up a consult for the heart clinic again, then he set up another heart looksee with the sonigram or whatever.  Every time I see new medic types I ask about my heart.  I keep hoping one of them will just come out and say it, but they won't.  It is dire, extremely dire, but that it has been this way for so long is... beyond their understanding.  I know they just don't know how to tell me I shouldn't be alive, they don't want to jinx it, but the numbers are impossible.  So I... sniff around the edges.  They are impressed, pleased... dubious.  It is like they fear I will die right there on the spot.  It makes for weird relationships.  Even the blood draw guy knew what a 15% ejection refraction meant and was startled to see that I had that.  Yeah, for a man in my condition I am a super man.  Uhrm, for what that is worth.  *grins*

The other day I played a song, about a woman lost.  Some time, somewhere, back when, I knew a woman, loved her.  And she loved me.  What happened I cannot remember.  We did not part by choice.  The parting was final.  I know none of the details, only that, to this day, thinking about it rips me up.  I can't remember some things.  I can remember bits of things.  I know that I, for some short time, actually knew love as it was supposed to be.  And I lost it.  There is much that is gone, dead, lost.  I can remember so little though.  Only that it hurts.  Much.  Too much.  It is not fair that I cannot remember.  It makes getting over it very difficult.  Same with some of the other things.  Tripping around blind while my antagonist moves the furniture, changes the rules, and uses sight.  These things are part of the cross I truly must bear, perhaps rightly, perhaps not.

Oh, but today was a good day.  A great day actually.  I didn't weary too much, even in the heat, even with helping my friend, even with the early start.  I did well.  I made the appointment, did some shopping, and put away the long term fats when I got home.  I am amazed at today.  I will need rest tomorrow, but if I can dig back into the last of the dishes and laundry, I might get some of that done.  If not I will simply enjoy my day, resting as needed.  Later, or... maybe... good night.

Up and early.

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I took my medicine first thing, too.  Ouch.  Those days I take it late lead to pretty harsh days lately, and something akin to a hangover for two or three days afterward.  My body is simply globbing onto fluid like a sponge.  I end up, by mid-afternoon, feeling like a balloon.

On the bright side, I have been getting up early, regularly.  My days and nights are straight.  It doesn't really matter, right at this moment, because I can do so little.  But in the near future that could be good.  If nothing else it is pleasing to be awake with the 'big people'.

Making my appointment should be easy enough, today.  I know that it will be a bit of a rough and tumble though, just getting there and through the day.  The added fasting requirement is going to be more difficult having waken early, but it is better to do it this way and be a little hungry than to wake later and have to rush.  At least I can have straight black coffee, or so I was told.  Bleh, but... it's something.

Oh, about coffee...  It seems easy enough to roast.  It is almost like popping popcorn.  It can crack or *pop* twice.  Right before, during, or after that first pop, you get lighter coffee.  That is the coffee most people drink.  From Foldger's standard to most other store bought blends.  And, if you buy boutique coffees, it is literally the lighter colored coffees.  That sort of roast lends to the most caffeine in the final product too.  Now, while I like the notion of extra caffeine, for me, it isn't really needed.  And I dearly prefer darker, richer, coffee.  On a major upside?  Buying green coffee beans is about half to a third of the cost, buying in smaller amounts, as buying pre-roasted beans.  Further, green coffee beans last about a year, and then once roasted can last another six months to year.  What does last mean?  Does it mean literally 'will not poison', or does it mean 'is better before'?

I will be doing some experiments before the year is out.  I am, currently, using up a pound of coffee from six months before my mother's last visit.  It was purchased, left out for three months, she put it in the fridge for three months, I put it in the freezer when she left about a year ago, and just pulled it out and started using it.  It is whole bean, pre-roasted (Columbian Roast).  Now THAT is FRESH!  :p  But, while not a perfect coffee, it is not actually all that bad.  It still beats the Foldgers she buys for her use when here.  Seriously.  Odd, too.  I figure, buying 50 pounds of beans, storing it as best I am able, pulling out a couple of pounds for roasting at a time, that coffee might last me... two or three years, realistically.  I may try several different methods of "preserving" the green beans and several methods of storing the roasted bean, with sampling over time assuming no bad indicators are present.  If nothing else, having 50 pounds of beans on hand at any one time (considering that no more than two pounds per month) would leave me some barter goods.  And, should I find a few methods of truly keeping beans for a longer period, perhaps upping the purchase to 100, or even 200 pounds, over time, for barter.  Coffee would be a serious barter good!

Well, on to... something.  Waking up.  I am almost out of the old coffee and I have a bag of new (relatively speaking, a month old) that I will soon get to enjoy.  The only major difference between new and old coffee is a slightly milder coffee flavor and the lack of that fresh coffee smell in the old coffee, when I am grinding the beans.  I feared acidity, but that doesn't seem to be a problem. 

Anyway, get your bean on then get to it.  Good day.

Not getting out tonight.

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Two reasons for being homebound.  One, I forgot to take my medicine until just a bit ago.  I am, again, swollen like a ballon.  What is up with that?  My feet actually hurt from being so liquid filled!  And I have been taking my medicine pretty regularly.  Hmm, I might start taking some in the morning and some in the evening, that way if I miss one I at least get some of it.  This is dreadful.  The other reason not to go out is, given my limited ability to function currently, that I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon out of town means that doing something tonight would damage my ability to function tomorrow.  I need to get in to see the doc to regain access to the heart clinic.  I can probably get him to fill the prescriptions though, too, right there.  That will ease my mind for now.

I will be taking my friend along for the ride, and so that he may do a bit of shopping while we are there.  Since he doesn't get out as often he has more money to spend when he does get out.  I think he likes being a bigger spender now, and still not really having to worry about what he spends, within reason.  I may look at reloading components, but I won't buy.  I just want an idea of what I am looking at, price wise, for the near future.

Hmm, it's about bed time.  I've got some prayers going out for some of you, Jean and Opus, and families.  Sleep well, as you may.  Peace and comfort.

Oh, son!

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Yeah, I did get out yesterday.  It was mostly just about getting my friend out.  And out we got!  We started with him shopping a new pistol, another .45 as it turns out.  I did buy a few things, but just gun stuff and minor.  Then to lunch.  Yum!  Then on to what ended up being a goodly drive over to Bear Lake, for the drive, for soda, for a bit of gas... just because that is how it worked out.  Finally, on up in the mountains to test that new pistol.  I had one of my pistols along, and a new shoulder holster for it.  Unfortunately I could not stay and shoot long.  I was absolutely crashing through the floor by the time we finished a box of ammo or so.  I hated to pack it in, but... we did quite a lot and I am just coming off a 'bender'.

The good thing, in a way, is I got to see just how feeble I really am.  It settles my mind to know that my lack of function isn't just me being lazy.  Something is terribly wrong right now.  Oh, no worse than before, mind you, and nothing new.  It is just that I really am ill.  Right now.  And it isn't getting better immediately.  Still, I will keep plugging away.  I have things to do.  I am doing what I can, too!  Food is being stored, bits of this and that are being bought, money is being put up, silver is being investigated, and I do what I can around here.  Just... Well, that's good enough.

 Our view coming down to Bear Lake from our side, give or take.

I had hoped to go grocery shopping as well.  I simply could not finish that part of the trip yesterday.  I may do that this evening, when it cools.  The city has become hot, outside altogether has become hot actually.  It's just that the taint of the city, with cars, tar, cement, thousands of people, industry, and everything else becomes even hotter and uglier.   It taints the day.  But in the evening, when the sun goes down, and people hide away at homes, parking their cars and shutting their lips, life becomes much easier to negotiate for shopping.  So... tonight, perhaps, another escape.  Just a short one, to a store or two, in and out, all good.

When I am down, physically, it is easy to get down mentally too.  Juggling eggs?  Ah, but for the most part, I do okay.  Even when I do drop one, or both, or all six? of the eggs, I somehow seem to manage to clean it all up and get back to juggling before too long.  Melancholy, sadness, but oddly I rarely get lonely.  I enjoy company, friends, women, associates.  I am not a loner, I just... can be.  I'm good either way.  Odd.  Come to think of it... I've always been that way.  I feel for people who need people always and everywhere, but more I feel for people who have no need for anybody.  I like being a tweener, ambidextrous in the social world?  Something.

On to something or other.  Be well.

Yesterday?

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Yesterday?  Yesterday was a nothing day.  Today, as well, would have been one as well.  It is just the way of things.  However, my friend called yesterday and... I answered the phone.  I knew I could do nothing yesterday, not a figure of speech just the facts, but I thought maybe today could see me out.  So I have planned an outing.  It is early, so I get to goof a bit, and wake up.  I have set the alarms for 9:00, at which time or thereabouts, I would like to crawl into the shower so that when the time comes, I can just pull on some clothes and go.  Plus, if I shower right about then, I will have time to lounge and regain my strength for the rest of the day.  Yes, it is that bad.

I have an appointment Monday, in the afternoon, in Ogden.  I may see if my friend would like to go along.  I won't be spending much, as I need a conversion kit, dies, and such for my reloader.  While buying a "fine" reloader is great, and I do love my Dillon, an extra, complete, reload set for it, for a pistol anyway, costs about $240 (with dies, caliber change kit, and deluxe change out kit that allows one to simply swap calibers without having to set everything up each time).  That will be my next "gun" type purchase.  I need, probably, two or three more of those, and a chronometer.  Yeah, but...  Yeah... just... yeah.

I took an extra half of a water pill this morning.  I was all out of halves, save one.  I wondered if a little extra final nudge to drain the swamp might work.  Being tired is tiring!  If nothing else, taking that extra half both doesn't waste AND puts my pills on an even score going forward, both of which are pleasing to me.  Sometimes, in life, it is the little things.  Micro little nothings can be more pleasing, when I do them myself, than even winning a million dollars or something foolish.  Truly, the little pleasures are the obverse to pebbles in the shoe.  In my life, the hope is to balance the two.  I can't always tend the gravel that gets lodged, I must press on for I have things to do.  But then, when the opportunity exists, perhaps I can smell the rose while shuffling on with a limp.  The trick is to remember, through the pain and annoyance, not to forget the good things too.  Quite a trick.  But... I like to think I do a half decent job of it anyway.  Yes, I like my little life.  Rocks underfoot and all.

Hey, I'm going to goof, then get ready for the rest of my day.  Enjoy your weekend.

Gotta remember...

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Yesterday I hit a brick wall.  Water levels seemed to be back in full.  Oh... medicine.  I didn't take it until almost bedtime.  Yeah, okay.  Especially when I just started the higher dose of medicine.  I need it, for a few days to a week, to get to a 'therapeutic level'.  After I am physically set, missing a day of medicine usually isn't a huge thing.  But when in the throws of getting better, medicine is vital.  Usually, on the way up, I don't slow.  So, yesterday, hitting a brick wall, I knew something was off.  For the next week I need to be absolutely diligent about medicine.  I have things to do!

I've been dreaming lately.  Just, more like reliving the past.  Women I knew and loved, places I have been, days that were quite good.  Everything an old dog loves to remember when laid out by a warm pot-bellied stove, on his rug, in the winter.  I enjoy most dreams, anymore.  The bad ones are very rare these days.  I don't miss waking up exhausted, with soaked sheets, sometimes with a rageon in the bean too.  At least that rage never affected others.  Unlike some who have been touched by darkness, I was able to keep it private.  No, just good dreams anymore (more so since typical nightmares are actually entertaining to me).  But these most recent dreams were simply wonderful.  I have known some fine women.  If too, I think, whether a woman is fine or not depends greatly on... the man, too?  Yes, I think so.  It's only a shame that I wasn't able to settle down with one of them.  For me, for them.  It just... wasn't time.

Hey, kids, I've got to do some waking up, then maybe get back to things if I can.  I may only be able to work through that wall from yesterday.  Otherwise I will finish what of my chores is possible.  Be good.  Love someone, smile at someone, but also have the courage to frown about things that are wrong.  Good, bad, ugly.  Good day.

Work goes on.

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It just isn't going as fast as I had hoped.  And yet, bit by bit, a task or part of one takes place ever few hours, five or six times a day.  I am down to two loads of laundry and bedding when I get to that.  I have finished almost all of the dishes and silverware but the kitchen itself remains to be cleaned down to the shine.  The living room and my computer room will need a lot of work.  I am about, by my reckoning, a third of the way through.  Today, though, I am going to try to get to town.  I am about out of milk, and a few other items would be good to have restocked.

The water pill is helping but I will never be what I once was.  It isn't even a matter of doing 20 to 30 percent, it doesn't work like that.  Regardless of what some think, it does come down to all or nothing, and quite often doing nothing isn't a choice.  I suppose just enjoying what I can do, and pushing that edge when I can, is just the way of it.  After doing a bit of research, I have some doubts if a correct diagnosis had been rendered right from the start there is little they could have done about it.  Especially since I wouldn't have allowed them to do a heart transplant.  Or would I have?  My doubts about medicine have certainly been hardened through misdiagnosis and terrible mistreatment.  And yet I have never been one for surgery.  Then again, heart surgery is not something they are very good at, even now.  Transplants are more short and midterm fatal, from what I have seen, than is a bad heart. 

Still, it is good to see my home coming together.  The fruit fly infestation is dying out.  To that end, I am also bagging everything from cat food cans to general garbage, keeping everything closed.  And, when I finally finish with the dishes, there will be no water to help the fruit flies on top of anything else.  I have also started to air my home out, on a summer schedule.  Open the windows at night, close them sometime in the morning.  It helps keep it cooler too. 

All in all, life has improved greatly since even last week.  The extra water pill dose is helping, but something was happening anyway, a window of opportunity.  Combined I am simply doing more, more awake, more aware.  Still weak, still easy to tire, and I always will be to some greater or lessor extent.  Oh, I ought to get that gal out on a date soon.  I do like her, so far.  Women aren't quite like cars, or other consumer items.  But they aren't quite friends, either.  I doubt if I will ever fully understand that relationship, I just know that it adds to life.  Even if it goes no further than a bit of socializing.  Interesting critters, these women folk. 

The next thing I am sort of looking into, for longer and mid-term storage is coffee.  I may begin buying packets.  Some will be frozen, some sealed and put in the basement.  Then tasting over time.  The best way, I have heard, is to buy green beans, then roast them as needed.  Of course, the roasters available are all electric, which truly kills the notion.  So, I am beginning an exploration of how to roast coffee beans using purely mechanical means, over a literal fire (or at least using fire).  That won't be my next purchase, by any means, it is just that, as I am truly getting going on food prep, this is an issue.  If nothing else, imagine how valuable a couple hundred pounds of coffee would be. My guess is coffee beans would be worth their weight in gold, or at least silver.

Well, on to my day.  Have a good one.

Water pill, really?

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Yeah, I've been meaning to up the dose of the water pill for some time.  Recently I started suspecting that it wasn't enough.  Still, it takes a while to get to things.  Something about mind fog, confusion.  Others could see it as lazy, but that just doesn't make sense.  Nor does the notion that I lack intelligence, at least in these types of cases.  No, the problem is I can't see myself from understanding to the application.  Something in there just doesn't happen.  Never mind, I finally upped the dosage of the water pill yesterday.  I have been draining like a swamp!  And I am beginning to feel much better again.  I am going through a bit of a transition though, which is causing a pretty good headache.  Never worry about that.

I have started cycling laundry through, I am in the process of redoing the dishes.  The first wash was not satisfactory.  I am getting very close to being done with the dishes.  Almost all dishes, pots, and pans, are either washed or soaking.  Laundry will take a bit longer, another day I suspect, but I am getting that well in hand too.  After these things I will go on to clean the rest of my home.  And all of this is just prep for doing some serious work next week outdoors.

I may actually go to plastic or disposable plates and plastic utensils, at least at times where I am going to have little time to focus on home upkeep.  That could help quite a bit.  Being up or down is both a physical and psychological thing, and not being able to keep the home up is depressing.  But I only have just so much capacity.  So, limiting some things while I try to do others will increase both my pleasure with life, my ability to work when that is possible, and truly lead to a lot more being done.  Having a clean and neat home really sets life up to be much easier.

It's amazing what half a pill more of something can do though.  Just a tad more and life goes from extremely difficult to simple, overnight, literally.  I just wish I knew, every time, exactly what dosage would work.  There simply isn't an absolute code, no tests to run, sometimes no indication whatsoever... save an inkling.  Further, when ill, it is difficult to think about what the problem might be, and even when the problem becomes suspected making the simple change is not as easy as it might seem.  When one is so busy just trying to hold on, reaching for that next rung doesn't seem possible.  It comes down to finding a nice quiet time, when fear and need aren't crushing all other possibilities, to then take that tentative reach.

I still find it amazing that I haven't simply quit.  It would be so very easy.  *surrender*  I almost hear whispered in the wind.  Never.  You'll have to beat me, fair and square.  And even then, I wouldn't count on winning ever being quite what you think.  *grins*  Just a little mind thing going on here, and I'm relating it.

Hmm, I'll change out the laundry, goof for about an hour or two, finish the dishes, then a shower etc. before maybe heading to town.  I may not get to town, but... if not today, tomorrow.  I'm getting very close.

Prepping.

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Really?  Sometimes I truly question the notion of prepping.  What is "prepping", first, if you are a little uncertain?  What that term, to me, means, is stowing food, tools, water, and other items to include devices and items to start fires, cook food, live comfortably regarding the weather, gather wood, build whatever needs built (or sustained), and many other things, all without electricity, running water, or any of the modern conveniences we have become completely reliant upon.  If that doesn't clear things up, ask.  And, while it should be plainly evident why such preparations would go forth, it is also a strange thing.  Why?  Because at no time in our living history has any significant portion of US citizenry lived for long without modern conveniences.  So, why plan for something that is, at best, unlikely to current collective history?

What are the odds, living where I do, or even when I lived in Iowa, that a grid-down event would occur that would last more than a few days?  I have seen, first hand, the destruction caused by a class V tornado on a town.  It wasn't so much that houses were gone, blocks of houses were gone, a half mile to mile wide swath of dwellings were swallowed whole, and some of the people in them, even ones in basements, taken, in moments.  But that a) is very rare, b) people were bringing food and supplies in to beat the drum, and c) infrastructure was being repaired and living arrangements were being developed and sustained moments after the thing was over.

Why go forward anyway?  Collective history has failed more people more catastrophically in more places and times throughout history than has it saved.  Actually, living for the moment only works, ever, right up until it doesn't, then failure is absolute.  When Rome fell, when Greece was crushed, when Europe floundered the many times under muslim conquests, world wars, or even great upheavals, people who were not prepared had to sell more of themselves than their pride would ever have foretold.  Sometimes even that was not enough to fend off an untimely death.  It doesn't have to even be global, for a disaster to seriously tender one to the mercies of a hard reality.  A local or regional man-made or natural disaster, of a larger scope, could mean needing to fend for oneself for a not insignificant period of time.  And, more, it doesn't have to be an external problem.  My health, for example, at times doesn't permit me access to stores, thus food, supplies, etc.  I am stuck, right here, on my own.  So, for me, prepping already has applications, there is a real need.

This month I have ordered enough fats for long term food usage to last, easily, two years.  That fat will store out past seven years, if I plan to replace it every five years.  As well, after previewing milk needs, and making some plans that way, I have just ordered a year supply of drinking milk.  Actually, there are two notions on powdered milk.  One, the old way, suggested 75 pounds of powdered milk per annum.  The new way suggests a mere 16 pounds of the stuff per year.  I went the middling ground, for now, with 42 pounds.  Of course, I am actually going to add to that.  What I purchased is drink quality milk, what I intend to add is the LDS powdered milk for cooking.  I have heard that, while the LDS milk isn't as tasty to drink (most aren't), it is perfectly satisfactory with regards to cooking and is quite inexpensive.  So, in the end, I will be stocking the old method.  For now?  I have the drinking part.

It seems, while I have been down, I haven't been spending much money.  And, since that money is just sitting there, I thought I might as well use it.  Oh, I am still enlarging my mid-term pantry selection.  I am beginning to add to my first aid kit.  I am doing this and that, as well, as I am able.  And, I am still saving a bit, here and there.  Plus I am currently maintaining my little nest egg.  Go figure.  It seems that living a more humble life, even with greater expenses, leaves more for what is needed, desired.  And, the food and items are being stored in the proper place, for better long term storage.  Bit by bit the dream I had in Iowa is coming true.  I have yet to climb into the mountains in the winter, to camp there, but this too will happen.  The cold winter wind on my face, the trees and snow around me, and a certainty that I am a living, alive, man of God.  I would never have believed I would find myself in these times, in this place, with this kind of peace and certainty.  It definitely leaves room for the possibility of even greater things, like finding a wife and having children.  Miracles seem boundless, already, and just at this juncture.  What the future holds isn't God's to grant, in a way, true.  We have been given hands, feet, eyes, ears, a brain, and the rest.  But somehow trying to live His will, not mine, has seen... the impossible.  Ignore the complaints... like growing pains, they must happen.  And remember, just that I am still growing and complaining is in itself totally... unlikely.  Heh! 

Oh, by the way, I heard through the grapevine... that I have already outlived one of the first doctors to misdiagnose me.  No, I won't, as I had wondered, dance (or worse) on his grave.  I find it quite enough that the situation is as it is.  Oh, he was a young man too.  Odd how that works out.  I don't know how he died, and I can't seem to find that.  And it could be incorrect.  Still...  Ah, fine, I'll pray for the repose of his soul, anyway.  And try not to smirk too much while doing so.  (If I think God... understands.)

Later.

Okay, an atheist walks into a Church...

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No punch line, really.  Reading recently about a young woman who, in her search, found that when she rolled the dice and investigated the outcomes honestly, she was left with no options save that God is real.  Each investigation lead her further toward where she ended up, landing finally at the steps leading into the Catholic Church.  She had two options at that point.  She could keep life as she knew it, accepting the lesser bullshit notions bolstering atheism, or she could accept Truth.  She chose, after a lifetime of atheism, to bow to Wisdom.  I don't think she has, as of yet, any idea of the depth of the pool she just stepped into.  But because she sought, and then accepted, Truth, I think she will do well on her journey.  As well as any can.

Thinking back to when the notion came, the struggles against going into the Church, the fears, the remaining resistance even through intellectual and spiritual certainty.  All of these things, and more, had to slowly be massaged.  God was the Truth and the Masseuse.  There is still fear and the natural struggle that is sin, but resistance is gone.  Faith covers most incidentals, big and small, if too, and there is time, the attempt to not simply use faith as a crutch is also there.  A discernment for reason exists.  Why is a question often asked, and the answers are sought, should the wherewithal exist.  And through time it is amazing what little answers come, through diligence, through patient application of faith, reason, and good will, or just because the question was on the list and the mind and spirit works hugely in the background.

I hope she finds peace.  I hope she finds love.  And I hope she doesn't quit seeking.  She has found the source, not the answers.  For those she will have to dig deeper.  Then again, having read some of what she has written, there is no real fear that she has ended her search.  She could move on to do significant work for God.  He does want us to know Him.  He invites it, sets it up, but doesn't just give it either.  We must seek, but then He is there, like a Father who plays better hide-and-go-seek than we, but just when we think we are abandoned, lost, weak, tired, and fear, there He is.  And we realize He was... always there.  I love that game.  Too religiously old for it now, but it brings quite fond memories.  As they said in Rome, give or take, no matter how bad these times, may you live long enough that even these times will be a fond memory.  Of course, they said it using five words or something.  Those Latin speakers were teh mensch!  :p

Oh, good morning.  Get your coffee, get your head on, get going.  Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness is an activity, like faith, not an end!  Carpe sulum diem!

Sometimes it's fast.

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Sometimes, when I begin to function, I can do whole boatloads of work all at once, in seemingly an instant (or day).  Not this time.  Still, bits and pieces of work are going forward.  A bit of prep yesterday, two loads of dishes, a load through the wash and some laundry that was in the dryer were reviewed.  Three shirts have heavy spots in them.  I've washed them three times now, to no avail (on cold).  I am pre-treating them this time.  Though perhaps the shirts are simply to be written off.  I have an hour until the next load of laundry needs to be changed.  I will probably do the change out, then just rest, doing more of the dishes after the next laundry cycle.  It just isn't fast this time.

While my lungs don't feel waterlogged, I am still somewhat suspicious that I am retaining too much fluid again.  That might be the problem, too.  Too much water is brutal even when it doesn't block the lungs.  I do believe I am going to add a bit more of the water pill.  Actually, I had cut the water pill by a third, from when I used to take it.  At that time, for whatever reason, I was needing to drink a ton of fluid.  This time that isn't the case.  Still, perhaps I cut it too much.  And, as with all things, over time the situation will change.  Ah well.  I'm working on things.

Good day.

Baby steps.

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I was able to do a few things on the list.  But for now a nap is needed.  I am hoping that if I baby things a bit I can still finish a good deal of what I have planned, plus a thing or two, before I go to bed tonight.  I am halfway there, give or take.  Hmm, maybe a bite before the nap?  Sure.  Hey, I don't mind naps when I've done something to sort of deserve them!  And, for me, for now, what I have done is enough.

Later.

To it!

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Plans are being fomented, the troops are being rallied, and lists are being made.  Already cat litter was tended.  The trash and recycling have been collected, bagged, and put out, and the bins taken to the curb.  The dishes have been soaked for the umpteenth time, but with some hope of being washed this time.  Laundry hasn't yet been collected or taken to the washroom, but that is the plan.  I will use every ounce I can pull together today, getting as much done as possible, for tomorrow I probably crash.  These first days of getting my feet back under me are always severely hit and miss.  But I think it is going to happen.  If I can do the laundry today I should be able to visit my friend Wednesday.  I may call him and set that up, as incentive.

My goal is to have my home straightened up by the end of the week.  Then take the weekend off, if perhaps I can make it to Mass this weekend, and with three times available, and perhaps being more on the ball, there is a chance.  If I can do that, then next week my job will be to finish the digging out back and clear out my room and begin work on a new water heater.  Yes, old jobs.  Yes, I've been going to do those before.  And, no, no promises.  But I think so.

A bite to eat, a little more goofing while the dishwater cools enough, and then to work perhaps.  Have a great day.

Ah ha!

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I was looking for clues about current life here at home, and... there it was.  I have felt cool, actually cold, lately.  I just assumed the world hadn't quite warmed up, yet, somehow.  The furnace, of course, has been off.  I have been trying to just live without heat for some time.  Still, the control for the furnace is electronic, and even when off it indicates the inside temperature.  While freezing today, as I was passing the device to feed the cats, I happened to check the temp.  It was 76 F in here.  At 76 I am usually... uncomfortably warm.  Yes, my heart is struggling.  I had to think... how much could people save on utilities if they all simply had bad hearts!

Something may be ticking over though.  I was wrong last time I thought that, and actually two out of my last three times I thought the world was looking up have been incorrect.  No matter, the sense I get is that life is about to kick up a notch.  There are little clues.  Often clues are subtle, though some are more solid.  When a certain number of these take places, like a weatherman noticing a few indicators, a prognostication may begin.  As with the weatherman, prognostication is just that though.  Still, when enough signs occur, hope builds.

I dreamed of women last sleep cycle.  No, not romance, technically.  There is a woman now, and a woman from my past, who were both 'military types'.  Both could fire, clean, disassemble and assemble firearms, and actually had a decent mind for the tactics of war, and many such notions were owned by both.  Beautiful women, smart women in the ways that I can know these things, talented even in many feminine things too.  The one from my past was... a draw.  But, like tattoos although without needing to be told, I knew not to become involved with such women, back in the day.  The 'killer' woman from my past was as 'fascinated' with me as I was with her.  We had to work at never being alone together.  For the short time being alone was possible, it seemed like forever, that was some hard work.  Unrequited love is an absolute monster, but sometimes it just has to be.  Is this new woman interested?  If I had to guess I... wouldn't tell you anyway.  A pleasant dream it was, anyway.  I still have to laugh.  One was into American military items, and US measurements.  The other was into 'other' allied items and metric measures.  One of the things my mind went through was those differences.  Other than that they could have been sisters.  Fair enough, one is US and one was Israeli.  It was a beautiful dream, dedicated to some beautiful women, warriors of sorts, and good cooks too.  I am still undecided if such women would, should, be approached.  Some habits die very hard.  I still have no tattoos either.  Most likely, should I find a wife, I will attempt to up-train her just a bit in the ways of war and tactics.  But a man... can dream. 

Hmm, now I feel warm.  Yeah, one of the things that might be an indication that life is coming back to function.  Wait and see... wait and check and see.  And when available... JUMP!

Good day.

Back to gaming.

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Oh?  You didn't realize.  I had stopped gaming some time ago, months ago.  Basically when I fell the last time I simply didn't have enough going to even play Play Station 3 games.  And, since then, rising or falling as the case may have been, I had too many things on my plate.  In the end, I haven't yet gotten my tasks done.  And, I still simply can't get to those things.  I decided to begin playing some of the games I had beaten, to get what are called trophies in the games.  I am hoping gaming will... bring some passion, or stir something. 

I have completed all the trophies for two games in the last week.  If nothing else, the seeming impossible is less seemingly so these days.  I was surprised how easy some of them were, give or take.  Sure, some of the more difficult ones took many tries.  One trophy took at least an hour, possibly onto two hours, not counting time I had tried to earn it in the past.  Just sticking too it got it done.  I honestly wasn't sure I was going to get that one.  Some games, however, have trophies I won't win.  Heavy Rain, for example, has trophies I find morally reprehensible, so I won't work at them.  Yeah, it's just a game.  But I play like I live.  I really do.  Or, how I would live if I could f*cking walk!  Yeah, yeah, a bit grumbly lately, being down for so long recently. 

Medicines are being taken, I am eating a bit more, but I have only been able to get out of the house a few times in the last month.  Pretty much my trips were utilitarian.  I have seen my friend about once, and made the KoC meeting, but on both of those occasions I also did shopping that was vital.  I am physically weak.  Or, I should say, physically unable to work.  I am still strong.  I just can't seem to use it.  My mind is, for the most part, mush, too.  It is physical, my body isn't healing at all as it should.  A scratch from last month is still on my arm.  It is scabbed over, and not infected, but it simply won't heal.  In my prime times, I heal at twice the speed I have seen others heal.  But when the body isn't up to snuff, I simply don't heal now. 

More time?  Warmer weather?  I'm still pushing to do... anything... Gaming is at least something.  There is a sense of success.  And it doesn't take too much physical energy.  But I keep looking at my bathroom, and the pit.  I want to get to those!  I like working, I truly do.  But I have so much to catch up on just in my home that it will be a while, once I do get a chance, before I can get to real work.  Hmm, something odd.  The other day I woke during my sleep cycle to use the restroom.  Not flushing as long as it takes to actually flush, you have to hold the handle for about 3 seconds or a bit more, and my urine stayed in the bowl.  When I woke next, and went to use the toilet, I noticed that my urine, combined with '2000 Flushes' bowl cleaner, had turned the toilet water... pink?  How absolutely weird.  I really wonder what I am passing?  I have no idea what could make that dark blue turn to pink.  Just... weird.

Bah, I'm still good.  Just a little frustrated.  I did order fats for my food storage.  I am increasing my larder in other ways.  Bit by bit, I really am getting ahead this and that way.  Now if I could just get my feet back under me, get caught up, then out to do some home improvements.  It'll happen, probably.

Good day.

Oh? Phone calls?

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Still in a haze.  Life just is not smoothing out.  The medicine is being taken like clockwork, for the most part.  I just can't seem to break some... wall, or get over some obstacle.  I'm frozen, physically.  Oh, little things happen, but for the most part I am blocked off.  My mind and body are not cooperating well.  At least I am not failing, as if life is on some sort of auto-pilot.  The food coming in helps a bunch, though too.  I have to admit I am a lucky man in many ways.

My friend called, twice in the last two days.  My phone was set to silent though and I just noticed it.  But it is, at 12:10 (pm), bedtime.  When I wake, if it isn't too late, I will call him and try to arrange something.  My mind just isn't working well enough to make plans as I get ready for sleep.  And it might take a few days to figure out how to further shift my sleep cycle in order to get out of my home and be to town at a reasonable hour for shooting, shopping, or whatever.  Gah but these times are trying.

Hmm, I need to wash clothes in order to get out too.  Yeah, slipping.  But living, and enjoying what of a life I have!  I am thankful, humble as my life is, to not be in constant pain, to be able to do a few things I enjoy, to have the companionship of my pets, to have a few friends here and there, and to have family who loves me even while not always liking me.  Life isn't bad, it is just that my "go, go, go" mentality doesn't fit the body I have.  I had hoped to be all used up, or at least still buff.  Instead I am more like a pet.  Well, some people love me anyway.  I'm not good for much, but that isn't always the point.  Some people's kids...  *grins*

A few items of prepper interest.

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D.C. and myself have been discussing fats.  Oils in this case, that store well.  I tried to respond with a bit of information at a link regarding the conversation at his place but that didn't work.  So I am replying here, but I'll fill you in a bit.

You see, most oils, to include lard, have a relatively short shelf life.  A year seems to be the average, though some fats go rancid quicker.  His idea was that coconut oil would work, if processed into oil, it is shelf stable for about a year and a half.  However, unprocessed (or unrefined as one faq refers to it) coconut oil has a much longer storage life.  Of course, unrefined coconut oil is pretty pricey.  And, once opened, I would think it would begin going rancid?  I can't be sure but that would be my belief.  So, buying it in smaller lots would be even more expensive.  Now, there is a suggestion, that one purchase the less expensive (and non-organic) versions.  But going down to that notch leaves one with oil that only lasts, again, about a year and a half.  Still, it would be good to have fats.

The other notion was that producing ones own lard, and canning it at home, would add significantly to both the quality and shelf life of the lard (or tallow if using beef fat).  And, of course, there are many other reasons to get into canning.  Further, since my ability to get to things is rather limited, buying an item that could do a lot of work at once, getting it all done quickly, might be the way for me to go.  I would definitely like to can meats, some vegetables, and a few other things.  To that end, there is this behemoth.  The one problem with a canner this size is that my mother, or probably any woman, could not use it without assistance.  The pot, by itself, weighs 33 pounds.  The pot could, in theory, hold 10 gallons.  At 8 pounds per gallon roughly, that is another 80 pounds.  Okay, but you won't fill it up all the way with water, mostly.  True, but what you are canning weighs more than water per volume (or it would float, mostly).  So, completely full and being reasonable, the thing could easily weigh 80 to100 pounds, and easily up to 150 perhaps.  Even for me, and considering that it would be hot, that is... quite a load.  Or... is my math going greatly astray somehow?  And the base is 19 inches, quite a trick on almost any stove, my flattop could do it, using two burners, maybe, somehow?  Oh, wait, I think the weight exceeds what a glass flattop stove suggests.  Hmm, which would mean some sort of burner.  Which means outdoors.  Hmm...  When I think of moving the thing, I get weird pictures of Grasshopper (from Kung Fu, an old tv series) getting branded with the snake and tiger or something, by carrying a red hot cast iron brazier with his forearms.   My eyes may be bigger than my ability.

Well, just wanted to comment here, and think some things over, while putting out some information for others who consider prepping.  While I live in an agricultural area, I do believe meats and even fats, will become... scarce.  While raising one's own pigs sounds good, have you... ever done that?  If you think other animals are good at escaping, you haven't dealt with pigs.  Few animals are quite so good at that.  And, there are other problems with pigs.  They are quite dangerous.  But, remember too, you have to butcher what you raise.  Have you... ever butchered an animal?  I've done a deer, a smallish one.  I did a poor job, but I did get most of the meat and I did strip the little fat there was.  Unfortunately, venison fat is not edible.  It is considered waste and more, contamination.  Anyway...  Yeah, having some fats on hand would be good, until life mellows and local production and distribution of things like lard begin.  That would take some time.

The whole notion of prepping is great.  Really all you are doing is buying time until some kind of local marketing kicks in, or the main markets return.  There is no way you can honestly prep enough to be ready for a permanent retreat unto yourself.  I have some doubts about grains that are stored for even ten years, regardless of what the brochure says.  Same goes for many things.  Seeds?  A few bad years could wipe out an entire region and the remaining seeds could simply become nonviable.  No, buying time.  That is all that the best prep will do.  It is merely a matter of how much time is bought versus how much time can be bought.  Solo, with food stores, I would guess only two years (max) can be bought.  Beyond that, some form of self sufficiency has to begin.  Animal husbandry, trading, planting, wood production, and everything else.  And how much of that is reasonable to have and not share?  But living out in the forest, alone, would merely be a draw for the less than scrupulous.  A largish team, 20 to 30, out in the forest, assuming all can and do arrive?  Okay, but... who has that?  I like my situation, I like what I am doing, and within what I have and can spend, it is the best option.

Think about it though, no cell phones, no cars planes or trains, no radio (or reason to have one), no computer, television, or refrigerator or freezer, no electricity, no running (or hot) water?  Could it happen?  In local events, it happens somewhere in the world almost every day.  Katrina to Haiti to wherever.  Globally?  All it would take is one of thousands of things, some man-made like war or economic ruin, some natural such as a solar burst with a reversed polarity or a major but not life ending meteor or even large shifts in the crust of the earth.  Those are just easy, off the top of the head, things.  There are more than a thousand ways life could be moved through scorched earth back to primitive times.  Thankfully, as I have suggested, barring such being enforced by a draconian global government, most failures would be (relatively) short lived.  With the knowledge, and memory, of some forms of tech, the good life, and freedom, some people would find a way back to, at least, the 1950's, and within a decade or two.  Life is too hard otherwise.  Actually, before mechanization, slavery of one sort or another was... pretty much required.  Think of this, hamburger was fine dining in Rome, back in her heyday.  What it took to grind beef, considered a lesser meat today, is insane when done by hand on any scale, when added to the fact that there was no refrigeration.  Bread, hamburger, even fresh milk, luxuries.  We have it better than most kings.  Of course, that means we wouldn't care to roll in the muck, we wouldn't allow ourselves to be slaves, and we would work toward a future, a real one, again.  I do like living in America.  The rest of the world can roll in muck, as it seems to want to do.  But here?  No, it is good here (in ways that may be being lost?).  I'd love to share it with the rest of the world, but they don't seem interested.  They like the idea of being rich, they just can't stomach what it takes.  The loss of local control by local elders (meaning they stay rich and make sure no one else gets richer), the hard work, not killing each other constantly, you know... the little things that allow business to function.  Freedom is an opportunity, and a risk.  I like risk.  And opportunity.

Blathering.  Good night.

Does God cause or even allow...

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Does God cause or allow people to die from natural disasters?  A question I saw on another blog.  An interesting question, one every Christian has to come to ask at some point.  Not all will find their way around to an answer.  Some will seek it but not find one that fits, others will simply not look, and some will simply find the wrong answer.  While it is easy to separate those who seek but do not find an answer from those who do not seek it, splitting those who found the wrong answer from those who found the right answer is a whole other ball of wax.

One answer might be that God not only allows these things, but directly causes them to happen.  Another possibility is that God allows these things simply by not stopping them.  Some believe that God does not constrain Satan, who does cause these events.  There are other possibilities.  I haven't actually looked at what Catholic dogma, the Magisterium, or general teachings and traditions might say on this particular subject yet.  If it is a minor topic of the things I would like to know regarding Catholicism specifically, because I have worked this out on my own to satisfaction.  I am curious, it just isn't a higher priority question.  My answer is that neither God, save extremely indirectly, nor Statan at all, cause natural disasters.  Satan, literally, has no power.  He only has influence.  God created the world, I believe that absolutely.  He also created the laws of physics (not the ones you learn in high school or college, those attempt to model what of world mechanics is visible, it can't and shouldn't claim to be 'the truth').  For example, God created the earth, separated water from land, and either directly or indirectly created wind, cloud formation, and many other phenomena which end up producing storms, which turn into what we call tornadoes, hurricanes, and the rest.  The same goes for volcanoes, earthquakes, and the rest.  Once He created, I am satisfied that He ended His direct involvement with the workings of terrestrial physics, save when He directly causes actions (such as the Great Flood).  But then, He tells us what He did and why.  Some will say I am incorrect.  But that is my absolute final answer, at this point.

To be honest, it is suggested that if we had faith the size of a grain of sand we could move mountains.  How much less faith would be needed to stop a tornado?  Or simply make it's effects irrelevant?   I suggest that, when we are perfected, and New Earth is established, that the laws of physics will not be altered.  It is just that they will no longer be of a concern to us.  Yes, that is my grain of faith.  Of course, there is the question, if faith of only the size of a grain of sand was needed, why can we not move mountains, turn or even ignore tornadoes or hurricanes or earth quakes, now?  And it is a fair question.  I certainly have great faith.  A gift, I am told, if a treasured one.  I truly will (never tested mind you) give my mortal coil before giving my faith.  I will not bow to Caesar in order to spare my mortal frame.  And, yet, that is not enough?  No, it isn't.  Sin, would be my guess, keeps us from the connection with God that would allow us to employ that faith in the way Christ spoke of it.  While Christ says some, He doesn't always say all.  Look, sometimes, for what is not written as well as what is written.  Though too, I am only guessing.  And while Christ did die for our personal real sins, until we die, we aren't finished with sin.  God can be seemingly tricky, but He really isn't.  Understand, when discussing with a child why a pet dies, trying to explain the physiology and reality behind it, the parts you actually do understand anyway.  There are limits based on the child and their need.  Comfort is better than an autopsy report.  God... sees us in much the same light, I do believe.  Sometimes we couldn't understand even if told the simple truth of all things.  Sometimes actual physics simply is not what is needed.  And, I do believe it is simple.  Clumsily fantastically humblingly beautifully simple, which makes our reach for complexity almost silly.  

Oh, just... thinking.  Have a good day.

Minor successes.

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I did make a meeting recently.  While it seems as if it should be easy, it depends on my sleep cycles and how much flex I have with that.  And, to a degree, how well I am simply doing.  Sometimes I can twist my arm if an event is a few hours out of my cycle.  This time I woke with three hours to get ready.  Some days that is not enough time.  Everything I do is rather complicated.  Any one who has dealt with autism probably would understand a bit more.  Things, often, have to be just right.  Rather than have a tantrum, however, the activity just can't go forward.  At least with this one I know, every month, when it will happen.  I also receive an email and a phone call (auto-call) the day before or on the day.  And still it can be missed.  Ah, but twice in a row?  All good.

When out to the meeting the other night I went grocery shopping, afterward.  Milk, salami, and cheese, as well as a couple of additional good snack items... two brands of hummus so as to perhaps find one I prefer, some whole(r) wheat rolls for the hummus, and grapes.  Just a little extra.  And while it is a small thing, I have been making coffee, grinding my own, and keeping up on that little chore.  Personally I like coffee better than Splenda diet soda.  Sometimes I add powder Splenda, sometimes sugar, sometimes I add nothing!  Well, always a bit of milk.  I just can't seem to get going on much else though, at all.  

As well, I finally figured out my bathrooms.  I kept cleaning them to no effect.  I tried bleach, ammonia, and vinegar based cleaners, I tried various home remedy ideas.  I cleaned with the toilet brush.  I even broke down and scrubbed them by hand.  With each method I tried each solution with time between so as to not create chlorine gas, all to no avail.  I was starting to just think there was something wrong with me!  Nope.  Lime Away, I believe it is called, took every bit of gunk and grime away.  I had tried that on other things before to no avail, it seems just the right thing at just the right moment is the trick.  My problem is my moments of function are so far apart that what could have been a weeks affair became a six month struggle with a toilet!  Heh!  I merely wiped it with the brush after letting that stuff soak in for about an half hour.  You have no idea how much having a clean toilet lifts the spirits.  It was simply looking spooky.  And, despite the toilet being hidden, it is a required use item.  So, every day, throughout the day, I was faced with... FAIL!  No more...  I even tried it on the out-of-commision toilet, to similar effects, if it was no where nearly as bad for some odd reason?  If I ever get that water heater in and the water back on, I will be in excellent shape.  While the tub is fine, and the shower actually looks good, I may try that product on the shower when I get water back to it.  Just to see.  I know I have and continue to occasionally scrub the shower, but there is little bits that I can't get off.  Gunk too small for most to see, and I have scrubbed those areas many times.  But, no...  I still see it, and hate it.

And the toilet plunger I got?  Still works like a charm.  Plus, the cabinet it comes in is truly fantastic, hiding all the gunk, easy to use, and it opens and closes without needing to touch anything but the plunger handle.  Yes, little successes.  I take what I can get.

My home is a mess.  Laundry is piled up.  The kitchen doesn't contain, but has become, a science experiment.  I have lost my ability to keep up, on most things, at all.  I am not sure what is wrong.  Since beginning medicine again, while I can think more clearly, and more often, I am still tied to the bed or inactivity, improvement is not coming around as quickly as I had hoped.  Last time, though, it took two to three months, if too I had really bad edema.  I had hoped to be getting back to Church, at least more regularly, by now.  I have made the attempt several times, but even with the timer I simply lose... focus... and become too late.  Even showering earlier and being dressed, time has simply escaped me.  No, I don't know how.  I can only explain what happens.  It probably has something to do with the brain and oxygen, blood flow, and such.  It is better than what it was before I started but it is so very far from... where it could be, should be.  

The weather has been staying cooler though too.  That seriously may be a part of it.  Well, and I may honestly expect too much at times, for myself in any condition, let alone in the condition I am in.  I have always been told that I have extreme expectations.  And, at times, I have fulfilled that.  I definitely aim high.  I still think my aim is right, it is just my body that is wrong.  But I can't be sure.  The only way to know is to have a body and mind that work.  Hey, buddy, can you spare a functioning heart.  Uhrm, with the caveat that I can install it without no seems nor needlework.  :p

Ah, I'll keeping plugging away.  *plug*

*plug*

*plug*

Later.  Or... good night?

You really aren't special?

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Yes and no.  You are special to those who love you.  Why?  Because... shut up.  You are special in what you do.  If you are really good at something, that makes you better than other people at what you do.  Some people absolutely amaze me.  A few people truly impress in a few areas of specialty.  Soft sciences merely get a chuckle, but a serious mathematician, solid engineers, materials property guys, programmers, and even top linguists whether they be true masters of many tongues or a top English writer grab my attention.  And I must be honest, women who run families and homes amaze me.  Some like athletes, but having been... well above average in some of that, and realizing to become more competitive would have required drugs, that is no longer... seen as all that worthy.  But too, no matter how good someone is, we are replaceable.  Not in the heart.  No one can replace a loved one.  But in the flesh.  There is nothing we do that someone else can't do, and possibly (probably) much better. 

No, here and most people I know?  It is known that there is no special status.  I would say most people I know well realize this.  Catholics, Mormons, and most other folk with whom there is some association generally tend toward the humble.  Oh, well, there are times.  And this ogre certainly has moments of pride.  But it is generally known that we fail the mark.  None of us, for example, can walk on water, move mountains, or go a day without sin.  And, for most, that honestly is the goal.  It is difficult to hold too much pride in such circumstances.  It would be no different than believing you are bulletproof on a battlefield.  Sometimes, to reach the objectives, you have to forget the bullets for a bit.  But if you don't have the notion of what bullets do, and their physical characteristics in mind, you will be lost.  So it is with sin, and life.

Ouch, wouch, and three other words like those.

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No, no pain.  No grump.  Nothing terribly wrong.  It is merely that nothing is right.  Imagine driving at night and having your headlights dim to a third their standard brightness, the interior lights go off altogether, while needing to get somewhere in a timely manner.  At least the drive isn't through a pass with steep cliffs.  So, life moves ahead at a snail's pace.  What needs to be done is food, a bit o' caffeine, and feeding cats.  All else is mostly beyond reach.  Well, there may be something that can be done tomorrow evening.  Barring that?  Oh, a shower was taken.  Heavenly!

Medicine continues.  The medicine dispenser was reloaded on time, without missing a beat, this time, for the first time since restarting medicine.  Blood pressure has not been checked in the last three or four (or more?) days?  Why push it, it doesn't come down quickly, until it drops precipitously.  It is frustrating to watch for that.  As the world warms up though, and with medicine back in the gullet, life has a chance of picking up again.  One of the things that will be created, should that happen, and before fall sets in, is that a daylamp station will be developed.  That might hold the winter collapse at bay, or at least make it less devastating, or at least delay the onset.  But that can't be created in the middle of the winter outage.  Nothing gets done when that sets in.

Plots go on.  The plan to make it back continues.  Oh, feeble perhaps, but that is what is available.  Some creatures where simply not given the option of quitting.  Some creatures just can't seem to die.  Then again, there were times, in real life, when life was on the brink.  All it would have taken was a simple pause, a little release of effort, and the thing would have been done.  Surrender wasn't ever an option then, and it has become no more of an option since.  It may appear that surrender has been rendered.  If you believe that you believe incorrectly.  Moving at the speed of turtle, or even being pulled in the opposite direction intended, the direction will not change.  Onward and upward!