D.I.Y. funerary statue?

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I've sure thought about it.  Look, I have probably 20 years to get the thing done, maybe more.  Certainly if I found a wife I would be forced to live at least 30, and maybe 40 more years.  Trust me.  Wives don't let their men just run off.  Heh.  In that time I could carve something wonderful.  I could go slowly, so as to do it right.  It would be ready to weigh down wherever I am put to keep me there.  Oh, and yes, I have an image in mind.

(patina and finishes not included)

They couldn't be too large.  Simply the cost of materials would be prohibitive.  But what stone alone would cost, compared to what workmanship would cost along with it, is nearly negligible. Which would you choose, for me, if you had the option?  The top being a mixed breed, the bottom being the angel of death, victorious, most likely one of the good ones often credited as such, St. Michael or St. Gabriel, not Abbadon or Samael, mind you.  True, the Catholic Church does not sanction, to my knowledge, assigning tasks to specific angels.  Just... clarifying a bit.

Haircut went well.  The young lady had seen the commercial for the gift in question, and was quite pleased with it.  She had thought to gift the product for Christmas, and wondered if it really works.  I shall find out when I return shortly before Christmas.  I certainly hope it works, and provides the new queen a powerful... weapon in her quest to keep the throne... sweet smelling.  :)  I told her my BMan, and functional side, name, so her title.  The Hairdresser of Doom!  She liked it.  I told her just a bit about BMan, but being tired I really just said that I thought it to be a fantastic experience.  I had no trouble keeping to my notions and survived, and enjoyed the trip.  I brought my camera this time, so I have some pictures of my hair, and her.  I asked if she minded if I posted.  She thought that would be fine.  So, as soon as I figure that out I will put up some photos.  

A lunch on the way home.  But boy am I bushed.  I have a trip tomorrow, to the clinic.  I best check what time that is.  Early afternoon it seems.  At least it fits into the middle of my "day".  I wanted to try and stop in to see my friend but I simply didn't have anything left.  I also wanted to check another store for .22 bullets but that was a no-go as well.  I simply didn't have anything to put in the effort pot.  Bankrupt of energy to the bone.  I almost canceled the haircut but...  I saw it early enough that I was able to rouse myself.  So tired.  So very tired.  Later.

Up and at it.

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I've been up since 3:00 or so, to bed by 19:00, give or take.  Sleep has been good.  I did crash yesterday.  No worry about not getting sleep, no choice.  Making it a full day, though, is satisfying.  I am pushing to be able to do that some days though.  The clouds seem to have lifted today though so maybe I can get back to doing things.  When it clouds over, especially before I am quite set for winter, I can crash.  I understand the problems it would be to be the moon, if the moon had feelings.  We are both tied to the sun, but both of us have our own... difficulties with the sun as well.  Overshadowed in a direct contest but not visible without it for the moon.  My relationship is just as contentious.

A couple of fried hot dogs with a can of chili and hoagie buns.  The hot dogs and chili were fine, but the bread... a bit of an overdose there I think.  I feel like I just drank a liter of sugary soda.  I may be getting as bad as Desert Cat.  Then again it might be the type of bread.  Well, and they have started adding sugar to everything.  I didn't look at the ingredients, something I usually do.  Perhaps the fat they used, as well.  I'll look at that later.

I went to check when my hair cut appointment is.  Good thing I looked.  Today is the day, in the early afternoon.  Which means I need to get a shower in, get properly dressed, and head to town very shortly.  Plus I have an appointment with the diabetes clinic tomorrow.  All good.  A bit of a drive and two busy days, for me, of late.  Maybe they will bust me out of my coma.  Sure, I have been better.  But just being able to do days, not much else.  And not feeling as tired when awake.  Not much of an improvement.  I'll take it, but I am asking for a "raise".  Just enough to get some things sorted so my pending down time is more comfortable.  Le sighe.

Wow, I'm almost loopy from lunch.  I really do think it was the bread.  There is a man in Texas who it is believed fermented beer in his stomach, or g.i. tract.  No, really.  I don't think that is my problem, more a diabetes thing.  Then again I might have overeaten?  No, just two dogs and half a can of chili at most.  Bread.  I'll have to watch that a bit more closely.  Whole grains, mixed especially, and rye for sure, don't do this.

On with it, in... a bit.  Time sure flies though.  Later.

Ugh? Yes. Definitely. Ugh.

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I woke well, and about right on time.  Slept well before that.  And went to bed as hoped.  No matter, even with the furnace pushed to 75 I simply can't get to things, anything really.  And the blogosphere is deader than I am.  Oh, I can read, a bit.  And I can tinker if I don't use much energy.  It just seems ugly.  Is it the season?  I am getting hit with a short term cool front, which does tend to slow things down.  And less light seems to hit some switch in my brain which causes temporary zombie levels itself.  Perhaps I am simply not the only one?  Maybe I said something I shouldn't have?  Wait, that's not a question.

I keep hoping that the vigor I had the other day returns.  It was tough to get out, and even get geared for it the other day.  I did buy some foods I can eat without cooking.  Perhaps some of that would help.  Braunschweiger isn't to everyone's taste, but I sure enjoy it once in a while.  Hmm, I really out to get my grill together, that makes cooking quite simple.  I also thawed a portion of corned beef yesterday, so I ought to get on that.  I do have a clean pot, all the ingredients, and all it takes is a certain amount of time per pound.  A simple sandwich, now, though, would help.  Ugh...  Perhaps this evening, a real meal!

I did find a hooded long sleeve t-shirt, as per Desert Cat's preference.  Only I went with black.  I keep telling him that black is quite comfortable in heat but he just won't believe me.  I bought only one, to make sure it would fit.  I had thought to buy two.  But being how well I like them, I might buy a few more, and not just for camping.  These are extremely comfy.  While extra extra large are a bit baggy, it works great.  It allows for a short sleeve t-shirt underneath it, and is long enough without being a tall.  I don't like standard shirts this loose, I just fear that an extra large, or even a large, while the last would fit perfect I would have nothing to tuck.  Even this size is pushing that.  Yes, several of these would be quite nice, maybe a few white ones for under other shirts.  Great, for me, for winter as well.

Yeah, later.

Hmm, love, yes... There is that.

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I have no misunderstanding, at this time, what love is.  What it isn't.  It isn't a magic pill that makes it all good.  It's a lot of work.  In many ways it is a pain in the assessments.  I had half hoped Father would lift the command, shut off the... needs, wants.  I am not sure if He won't... or if when He makes some things He makes them so well that they can't be undone.  So, there it is.  The want, need, for love remains, as strong as ever.  Tempered, perhaps.  Wizened, I should hope.  With specific goals, understanding of limits, fresh though, like spring.

My understandings do not come from the minds of others alone.  I have seen much, done much.  Seeing, touching, feeling... smelling.  I haven't hunted mates.  They are the hunters.  You merely make yourself their prey item, let them vie.  Titrate that into, in my experience, action.  Then in the past moving on was elemental.  To be caught without anyone knowing then to undo even that little bit.  Why?  I don't know.  I suppose it is what I was taught.  I learned well.

Saturday, is it?

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Yesterday I thought it was Saturday, today I was thinking it was Friday.  I'm pulling a Merlin.  Not the first time, won't be the last.  Didn't you know?  He lived backwards in time.  He remembered the future as most do the past, but couldn't remember the past.  The present, to a degree, baffles us all regardless of which side of the timeline we approach it.  Not the point.

I did make it to town.  My friend was not up to even having me drop in, so we have set that up for Monday, give or take, and depending.  He's already on the prayer list, so...  Then again, he is on permanent rotation in there.  Damn sickly kids!  *grins*  Yeah?  Takes one to know one?  Shut it.  Damned smarty pants kids.  Gah!  Quit that already, yeah, I know. 

Groceries were bought.  Soda was on sale and in stock, so I got what I will need for months, possibly three months.  Soda isn't as good as coffee, but it is quick.  It doesn't offer the zing of coffee either.  But it is quick.  And the Splenda coke, all soda really, tastes pretty bad, even Mexican pure sugar.  But it IS quick.  Milk, hotdogs and buns as I have canned chili and if I could get to it home made chili to add, a few beef hearts for the freezer or maybe one for that and one for the pressure cooker, sour cream, butter, lots of stuff.  I avoided potato chips, candy, and most other treats, save some chocolate syrup for chocolate milk.  Nine out of ten ain't bad.

I also stopped in to see if .22 bullets were available, as a last stop.  The store I stopped didn't have them.  I think my friend simply got lucky and was there when they were in, before they were bought to extinction again.  There are other stores but I was done.  I may have to check online, but sending them now is almost a federal offense, so that is a particularly expensive way to go.  Ugh.  I just want 6k!  I would take 400-1,200, if I could lay into them though.  On the way out of town I went through drive through.  A hot meal is quite nice, I must admit.  It has been a while.  Even waiting to eat it until I got home and... gone in moments.  It did fill me up though.  Glad I didn't order more, as my stomach had suggested.  Father knows best, little guy.  Heh.

It was good to get out.  It is good to be back.  But I best get the groceries in.  Yeah, I... was famished.  Then I had to... let that settle just a bit.  Later.

You can tell it is fall.

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Beside the change in weather, there seems to be a slow down as seasons change, at least in the blogosphere.  My guess is most bloggers, any more, are my age, plus or minus 15.  The rest seem to have gone to facebook, twitter, and just texting.  Actually many bloggers have gone that way as well, even in my age group.  Some come back, the frantic nature of those others seems to drive them away eventually.  So, in that age bracket, between ill health exacerbated by the change of seasons and the health issues brought about by changing seasons on their own accord, blogging tapers off, heavily, as soon as a new season hits.  Summer has it's own thing, though.  People get out, go, do, or are busy planning events.  Well, toss in gardening as well.  Yes, a new, and colder, season is here.  The older we get, the stronger the effects, the longer the stall.  Another decade or two, and there is still blogging and the set I know stick with it, and... some will start to fade away, year by year, season by season.

Maybe not.

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Sure, a shower.  Yes, I got dressed more formally.  No, I didn't do another thing.  Cloudy, cool, perhaps.  Done, for the day.  I'll probably almost make it to 17:00, by posting.  Other than that it's been a remarkably drab day.  I simply could not get going.  I am glad my friend canceled.  I hope tomorrow is better.  Still, I will call and see if he is doing better as well.  Sometimes rest is best, more for him since he has some sort of bug or other.

Just a piece of my mind.

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First thing, though, my pegboard and bench kit are in.  I'm not quite up to those, and won't be for a while.  But I will stow them for when I can do more.  What I can do needs to be home centered, and... well... we will see.  I have about two weeks before I will simply go on medicines with things as they are.  Time sure flies when you make a promise, set a goal, etc.  Ugh... two weeks you say?  Yes, two weeks.

I received a call, about a year ago, to sign up for an online cooking mag.  I did love the mag, but there were billing problems.  They would call and say my script was dead, so I would reup, then they would send two magazines at once.  So I went to online.  I lost track of them through my moves and computer deaths.  So it was good to get going on that.  The problem?  I never received access information.  So, when they asked me to re-up, I was able to put it all together, track them down, and give them a piece of my mind.  While I kept it rather diplomatic, the sum was to get stuffed.  I doubt I will hear a thing back from them.  I am sure they have farmed out their billing, and it is their billing that will get the message.  The message will most likely die right there.  Oh... so sad. 

I am ready to get to town.  I do believe I will only buy a lunch, of some sort, then head back home.  Hmm, might buy cabbage, carrots, milk, butter, and perhaps whole whipping cream though.  Perhaps I should check the potatoes though too.  Those can go bad awfully fast.  I swear they have gone from spraying things with pesticides to pest attractants!  Didn't they used to cold storage store potatoes for months, the whole winter really?  Never mind, just grumbling. 

Later.

Well?

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The visit has been delayed until tomorrow.  My friend is not feeling well.  He almost didn't want to call it off.  I am glad, for his sake, that he did.  It's tough to try to get out when you are sick and tired.  This is the first time he has called something off.  So a) no way I could complain as often as I have called it off or just missed b) I do understand, and c) it actually makes me feel better about all of my called off, or just plain missed, visits.  I'll add him to my prayer concerns, there are a number of my readers, those I read, some I have read about, and some I know who are suffering.  One is suffering from having way too much fun!  Yes, he gets prayers too!  It's wonderful to see a man tempt the fates of his age and get out and play.  I am truly hoping that the pains from that are short lived and that he can learn to go beyond them.  Yes indeed.

I will probably still go into town, just not right at noon.  A bit of food would be absolutely... wonderful.  I may even get one of my favorites to go, a bucket of chicken.  Not KFC, they have lost all faith.  The one here is clean.  It is well run.  It just doesn't tend to the product as I demand.  A local eatery brought in a broaster and does an absolutely knock out job.  As an absolute aside, as I would happily pay more, they are even less expensive.  But the chicken is perfect, what KFC, iirc, used to serve.  An eight or twelve piece bucket could last four days.  Hmm, I ought to figure out something to add to it though.  It can, as even my own fried foods, stovepipe me a bit if eaten in larger batches as a steady diet thing.  Hungry!

Oh, I did manage one of the pieces of business I wanted to attend.  I still have two more, but might have the information myself here at home about one of them.  The other will wait until tomorrow.  One piece, on thing, at a time.  It is what I can, and am, doing.  A loverly clean bathroom, by the way, is wonderful.  Now to get the kitchen cleared and cleaned, so as to finish unpacking.  Later!

A quick shower and... I don't know.

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I'm at it, early, and well.  A little spike in the heat first thing does help, or can.  I still have clean clothes picked out from my last attempt at getting out.  Yes, a fine day out of the cave should be in store.  A bit of grocery shopping and .22 bullets if I can find them, and lots of them.  Each pay day, save today, if I can get two 400-500 bullet packs I will, until I have four thousand?  If I want to shoot, I buy a pack that day, just adding to my lot and making sure I don't spend down my bullet larder.  I swear I had 6k.  And while I shoot 100-200 per outing...  While that adds up, it...  Hmm, going to have to watch that all much more carefully.

The sky is still cloudy so no shooting today.  We are nearing freezing, but not for the year, not here, not yet.  I suspect I best look to what is out there and take what is available though.  Still, the only peppers that I saw were jalapeno... useless to me, little better than bell peppers as a flavor additive, or at least these.  There might be some others though.  Not enough to make a sauce, but not bad for adding in to other things perhaps.  Diced and added to beans and burger, or put in with spaghetti sauce.  Hmm, yeah, something.

The plan is for noon, high noon.  No shooting, just some goofing and getting out of our perspective caves.  He says the heart doctor he saw believes he is a fine candidate for the valve surgery.  Right through the sternum is the plan.  The problem is the doctor won't treat him unless he quits smoking.  That is nearly impossible for some people, that doctor knows it.  I told my friend to get a different doctor.  That surgeon is an idiot, and would see him die for his own pet peeve, as it is nothing more.  My friend has gone through some intense surgeries, including a two part amputation of his leg.  Half his foot first, then the rest of the leg to the knee some years later.  He can handle surgery, quitting smoking won't help that much, if at all.  Damned prick surgeon.

My friend is thinking about quitting, and that would be fine if he wants to and can.  The two shouldn't be conflated.  I did suggest he not go with the 12.5mg patches most clinics try to put out, it simply isn't enough to help quit.  Go with the 21 mg.  Can't smoke with either though, I told him.  As for cost, I suggested that a month of patches is about equal to a carton of cigarettes, so if he isn't smoking, the cost is not higher, and probably lower since he smokes slightly more than a carton a month.  He has another friend who is also thinking about quitting smoking.  That would help, since the guy is right there and a current smoking partner.  It's a tough row, that first few months, but it would be good.  I have quit tobacco before.  I just got around a smoker too soon.  Actually several times.  I wouldn't try to quit now, even with that no longer being a problem.  My brother quit and his teeth are falling out.  We kill off the good, and bad, bacteria when we chew.  That doesn't come back, or fast enough, or something.  They never tell the whole truth.  I think, last I heard, my brother said he lost three teeth, and the rest are... troubled.  I just won't do that.  I'll support my friend, if that is his wish, and advise him.  Either way.  Still, he needs to go to another surgeon.  I see they are implementing Zerocare one Zero doctor and surgeon at a time already.

Yeah, on to a shower.  Later.

Weird night.

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Dreams.  Lots of them if I only remember one, urhm, specifically.  It helped me remember, or deepened really, my appreciation for the true sort of love that can happen between a man and a woman, if by pointing out the wrong sort.  I can see good love, in waking.  And I know bad from good as plainly as the nose on my face.  There are many, especially among elites, who have no such discernment.  To a degree it seems to be a requirement for being an elite.  Is it money, power, and fame that corrupt?  Is it the greed, or chase, for those things?  I hope it isn't absolute, though it sure seems to be at least a vast majority thing.  Reasoned living, if small and somewhat broken in my case, is much preferred.

Of course, that wasn't all my dreams concerned.  I'm just a... sort of man.  Gah!

Different pictures, same events.  All I'm saying.

I woke at 22:00, after hitting it around 17:00.  I forced myself to figure out how to get more sleep.  I don't know what gives, I just know that was too short of a sleep to allow me a noon outing tomorrow.  I haven't had that sort of hard wake mid-sleep in a while.  I don't know how long it took me to get back to sleep, but I don't think it was long if it was a bit of a trial.  All good, though, making it to 2:00, giving me nine hours, minus perhaps an half or full hour of weird waking time.

The furnace is on, though I might turn it up just a bit first thing to break the sleep chill.  That sure helped yesterday, if a bit late to get a real start on anything else.  Today I won't negotiate, heat up front.  A little reading right off, if I probably don't remember all I have posted or read.  It goes into the psyche and gets torn apart, reassembled, and then possibly regurgitated personally or through my writing.  Life and thoughts are a perpetual clearing house, projects in the works, nothing is or ever will be completed.

Best to start off with a solid foundation and corner stones, something I came to late in life albeit.  With the universe crumbling around me, and my own notions proving wrong time and again, I had to do something.  While there is Matthew 20:1-16, I don't take that for granted.  For one there is always at least another.  In this case, at least, there is Matthew 25:14-30.  The late worker will be paid as the first and early starter, but what he does with the gifted talents will also weigh on the things.  While God gives, He also takes away, according to us in the final goal.  Here on earth?  He doesn't micromanage, from what I have seen, if He will lend His spirit and angels, if those aren't to be tested, even by His Son.  As in Genesis 6:3, where He says one or two things.  I personally shall think He says two very separate things.  Thoughts indeed.

Well, yes, on to... probably a bit of gaming to attempt to reinstate a physical sense of things in an energy light manner.  Sneaky I will need to be, attentive to detail, locations, methods, and... with a sense of the preciousness of life... in the season for that.  No thing is a small thing, let it not be to your peril.  Understand that which you lay your hands to, be it dark or bright, is your will and is what you know to be true, or don't lay your hands to it.

Later.

Haiku Monday - Seasons

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Ah, now that I am trying to get back in the program, might as well join the festivities.   BlazngScarlet won last week and is hosting.  Her game, her rules, her contest page here.

I have one piece up.  Not sure how in shape I am to do more.  Time always tells.

time for all seasons
kiss, kill, plant, harvest, remote
yet every hand feels

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which of the weathers?

winter was the choice, cold, hard~

spring is now the thing

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in our time - cycle

youthful to knowing and strong

wisdom in fringes

Bedtime, or pretty close.

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No, I didn't make it to town, or get much done.  Having the cave warmed did keep me from going back to bed much earlier, but by the time I realized I needed some warmth, the chill had zapped me.  For as solid as I can be I am rather fragile at times.  At least I am mostly just exhaustible, not really... truly fragile.  Most women I have known, for example, get ill if they get cold.  Even going out in cool weather right after a shower can make some of my past women ill.  I just wear out when I go over the lines of comfort, tire.  Then again that can happen for no reason.  Actually, being tired is simply the norm.  I am hoping, if the heart can improve as it has, that I might see to being fully aware even some of the time I am awake.  Odd, but I can write, now, right through the exhaustion.

I did manage to patch a bit of a meal together.  Hamburger from the cow I helped butcher, some odd spices, and beans.  With a few pieces of buttered bread and, as usual, a glass of milk, life became just a bit better.  A hot meal, protein heavy, does lift spirits, if it also will guarantee sleep in a very short bit.  My friend called, wanted to see if I was still kicking.  I was pretty sure I couldn't make it out today, but said I would be in tomorrow if he thought that would be good.  That or Saturday or Monday.  Tomorrow, he thought, so I agreed.  Now I have a solid reason to be in to town.  Oh, he suggested that .22 bullets are back in stock, or were when he was last down town a day before.  Yeah, still a bit more than what they were, at $25 per 400.  But I can do that.  I might have to stock up.  This time I will manage those a little more carefully.  I had so many, at one time, that I simply... lost track.  Much to my chagrin when they stopped being available.  I don't know if we will get out to shoot tomorrow, weather as it is, but we will get prepped for it and set up a shoot.

Cloudy out, cool still, I can feel it right through the heat of the furnace.  It seeps into the cave, then into the bones.  The cold just waits in corners, or comes on a bit of air from somewhere, to steal strength.  Tomorrow I will set the heat on right when I wake, and warm to life a bit before trying to move on to other things.  What I could do I did.  That was mostly just to play my game.  I am trying to do the sneaky sort of play, being neither seen nor killing anyone.  It's... more my m.o. in life than some might think anyway.  It's not the preferred method, but... given all the givens it is the wisest of ways.  As such, the game Dishonored is a bit more tolerable to play.  Still not my favorite, but not bad.  I think I dinged it because I listened to some idiot praising the non-players in the game, and the storyline.  The storyline is okay, but the characters are not deep, interesting, blah.

Almost 16:00.  Bedtime, I have no choice.  Good night. 

Cool, nearly going on to cold.

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I was wondering why I wasn't getting to things.  Today, the high is reported to only be getting to the low 50's.  Okay, that will do it.  It is right around 69 in here, which would be fine if I were used to it.  Though that is just where the furnace thermometer is.  It is definitely just a bit chilly coming out of a hot summer.  I've turned the furnace on, hopefully just for today, or a few days, as a storm of some sort seems to be passing through.  I'll see if that won't help. 

Being stalled out by the cold, I am not sure what all I will get to yet today.  A load of dishes, at least, and some laundry will be done.  If I warm up, maybe a shower and a trip to town.  I've got plenty of my day left, and that will fit in just fine with stores being open.  An easy meal in town, then some stuff to put a good meal or three together here at home, meals that will last.  A big pot of chili would be very good too.  I'll check my stocks, may need tomatoes, I know I need crackers.  Definitely hungry and ready to work on that.  I just have to do some dishes and shopping.  What goes good with brisket?  Yeah, potatoes, sure, but what else?  Chili is pretty much a one pot meal, with crackers and milk, to my mind.  Corned beef, is also a one pot meal, with the potatoes, carrots, and cabbage all in there, and broth.  Well, and milk.  I tell you, milk has made my bones rather sturdy.  No spurs or other problems, that I can tell.  It does a body good.

The girls have been rather happy to have me back and on track.  I should have noticed it was cool just by their actions.  Cuddling, a lot.  I simply am not aware, even when doing better.  Then again, other than high heat or life threatening cold, I simply usually don't need to worry about cold at all.  Just... thinking this morning.  Hmm, at least a week didn't go by before I realized I was too chill.  There is that.  Later.

That was good, maybe great.

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I did get a shower in, soaked the dishes a bit, air dried, and was up until 16:00 and change.  Slept like a baby then woke at 1:00 and change, perhaps 1:30.  I was too fuzzy to remember this morning.  After tending to the primary morning duty, I added hot water to the soaking dishes so that before too long I can wash, rinse and hand or air dry the items, depending.  Some things don't air dry to my standards.  Glass glasses and silverware streak or spot.  Then another shower and maybe a trip to town later.  I have plenty of time to be fully awake by the time a trip to town would make sense.

Feeling quite good today, and yesterday.  Not up to full time efforts perhaps, but enough to snipe some of the to-do list, handle some minor shopping, and perhaps figure out some socializing.  Oh, and get a meal or two in there somewhere.  I am hungry large and tall, 4 x 4, and wall to wall.  HUNGRY.  Plus, if I can get dishes and laundry going, and get the right things at the store, I should be able to put out a corned beef, cabbage, potato, and carrot spread that will last a few days.  Then maybe get the grill together and slow cook, and maybe try smoking this time, the brisket I have in the freezer for another three to four days of good eating.  I feel like I could eat either in one meal, if... my stomach isn't what it used to be.  Then again, being this hungry?  It could happen.  I just wouldn't want to make it a habit.

Damn it's good to be back on this side of the life-death line.  No, I wasn't in physical peril, really.  But becoming that exhausted has consequences.  The mind, perhaps even the spirit, roam.  They will from time to time anyway.  You don't go where I have gone without spreading your territory into places that terrify most.  It's just old ground for me.  As I suggested, if it bothers you, don't read.  If you can't go there, back off until I am back.  If you can handle it, use it as a stretching exercise.  It's good for the soul, especially without the heavy lifting on this side.  And never fear sending out a comment, even if I accuse you of mellowing my harsh.  :p

Have a great day.  And get to it!  Go, go, go!  Blessings and good day.

Breakfast was about it.

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Oh, I've been heading toward taking a shower.  Since 10:00, it is now almost 14:30.  Ah, but I enjoy chuckling at... little flaws, or techniques?  Could be.  I won't get to dishes, but I will set those to a soak after my shower.  A shower, then some air dry time, then on to bed.  Not bad.  I am just a bit surprised I got to some things last night.  It is ahead of my expectations.  I take it when I can get it though.  There is always a chance I will be able to keep up on the work and drive through quickly.  I don't dare hold my breath but I can now dare to hope.

I need to check on some things.  Getting around to doing that is tricky.  Some of the things I am not sure how to go about checking, so even that will take a bit of... research.  With the phone working I have access to time, day, date, and a few more resources.  No, I don't have a calendar.  Yes, that is on the list... since last Christmas actually.  Pinup girls, you know.  Nothing too bawdy, just... subtle curvacious reminders...  Keeps me in the game?  Maybe.  I suspect I can, if I get to working, also toss some of these things in the works, as they aren't mechanical, physical.  Using the brain and the body in one fell swoop can be a bit of a trick, less so if I don't push the physical too much.  I wonder if Desert Cat noticed how often I used him to help orient my work at the camp.  I am sure he noticed when working on the camp.  When drained, others can easily manipulate up to a degree.  I have learned to have people do that, sometimes without their knowledge.  It's embarrassing to... need help.  Especially on things most people just do.

Oh, yes, a shower sounds splendid, as does sleep.  A shower now will increase the chances for a shower later, then a trip to town perhaps.  Either tonight or tomorrow morning.  A bit of shopping, but also just escaping the dungeon.  Best feed the girls before bedtime, too.  They get rather persnickety when I miss one of their meals, and yes, they take it personal.  Further, they can get just a bit ornery for some number of days, save when I am really ill, at least as long as dry food and water hold out.  When I am better?  No forgiveness whatever.  That's part of the reason I like them!

Good night.

That's more like it.

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Not quite cooking with oil yet.  I did get a bit physical.  It wasn't on my list, but cleaning my bathroom was something...  I hated having it seem unclean.  Hated.  So... it got cleaned.  Top to bottom, if there is still some sorting of a few things and a bit more I will be doing.  I just didn't feel clean after taking a shower.  I worried.  Now all is good.  I mean clean, floor to toilet to sink.  Plus the sink has some problem with the drain stopper mechanism coming undone, I fixed that while I was at it.  I need to find a more permanent fix for that as well.  Hmm, but the first thing I actually did was to shave my whiskers.

Why I do one thing first, or in what order, has as much to do with what I can see right in front of me, and what irritates my mind/eye, or what can pull me in through the imagination or even physical need, such as food.  I might have plans, but with EVERYTHING needing a little to a lot of care, plans fall apart very quickly.  Still, the goals I have in mind stand, they just weren't the first served.  Then again... given that I need to shower, and want to be presentable, cleaning the bathroom does assist in that.  Especially with my pet peeves and worries.

Next?  Hmm.  French toast, I do believe.  Nothing fancy, mind you.  I don't care for nutmeg, and I am not really set up for anything fancy anyway.  I do have real maple syrup, and real butter, Amish at that.  Good ingredients, simply designed meal, and that will be that.  Hmm, I might even have a bit of sausage thawed.

As for getting to town.  After a bite to eat, washing some dishes and putting others (from before the trip) away (in the drainer), I may consider that.  I just don't know right now.  I am feeling good.  The bit of work didn't tax me.  I'm not otherwise spent or tired.  There might be enough time before bedtime.  Or not.  I don't know how long this other stuff will take, though multi-tasking, give or take, might cut down on total time expenditure.

If I can keep this up I should be back to some standards of decency in a week or so, then I will feel much more comfortable going back on medication and taking that hit.  The next thing in home will be to clean clothes, get the kitchen back into order, and wash all the dishes so that as I unpack I can just get things washed, as needed, and have a comfortable place to do sorting and other such things.  It looks to be on the way.  Later.

Good. Very good.

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Coming out of the... coma... happens in stages.  Dying is actually the easy part, coming back to life is the painful end of the thing.  Yeah, sure, I didn't reach physical death.  Although I suspect I get closer to it of spirit than most would want to know.  There are very bodily aspects of it too.  Coming out of that is like coming off real painkillers after a major surgery or terrible wound.  It does hurt.  Those aches that were there when I went calling are still here, finally noticeable again.  They were just waiting.  After doing this enough times, though, that pain is actually... refreshing.  Physical complaints of this sort anyway are far less than what I had been going through, even with the painkillers in play.  Nice, actually.  And... living pains, not pains of the tomb.  Yum!!!  Really.  But boy am I hungry!!!  Only the Lord knows just how hungry a lycanthrop gets when unable to tend it's nature.

Hmm, alright.

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Noon and Doom is still up.  Actually it is nearly 13:00.  I'm not sure how that happened.  I think I just procrastinated about going to bed.  I wanted to.  I would have slept.  I just never made it to bed.  Nice, I think.  Perhaps it was just a slip, yesterday, and not a complete drop.  I never know.  BUT.  It is bed time now.  If I stretch further it could end up being very counterproductive.  Something about passing through my time frame for sleep until the next one appears and hitting on into insomnia.  As with food, drink, and all other things... moderation.

Thanks, mum.

Good night.

I still want to get to town.

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It might be a while.  I have been able to stay up until past 10:30, but that really is about it for today.  The missionaries visited the other day.  The car charger I bought on the road wasn't charging my phone.  I think I used it before but it wasn't working.  Well, the missionaries thought they could use a car charger more than a wall charger, being out often and for large chunks of the day, so considered a trade.  My one stipulation was that they check the car charger with their phone first.  And, as always, I offer a 100% return.  Yeah, I would make a terrible (or fantastic) businessman.  I just won't cheat people.  So, I charged my phone, and my mother called right before I was going to call her this morning.  She is much relieved.

Even not needing a plug in charger, I would still like to get to town.  Just... to get out.  And while I try not to think of what it will take to get going and get out, I know that part would be quite good for me itself.  There are things I would like from several stores anyway.  If nothing else, just a trip to the grocery store.  My store is open most of the day and evening, so that shouldn't be too hard.  It's just getting to it.

It was good to hear my mother's voice.  For her it was very important.  But she tracks time, days, weeks, and such.  For me it hasn't been that long since I spoke with her.  I simply haven't been tracking time well.  Like... cat time?  Or the reverse?  Tree time versus human time?  Something.  Still, it is good to hear my mother speak.

She thinks I should visit next year, in the spring perhaps.  And I may just do that.  I will be driving.  While more expensive, it is less taxing than airport "security" protocols.  Just dropping her off at the airport gives me the heebeejebees.  I feel like I've entered NAZI Germany, or East Germany back in the day.  And, yeah, I know what those are like.  Damn America?  Really?  I am surprise Zero hasn't found a way to install state border crossing posts, while of course continuing to leave foreign borders wide open.  But a government will do as much as it can, if it is allowed, and distinctly not in the favor of citizens or freedom.  Anyway, perhaps a trip in the spring.  I'm thinking about it.

Not sure what is up with the Church.  Our new pope seems to be dizzing morality, at least hedging it.  And while it is true that we cannot judge, as per hell, we do have to follow our own conscience.  Sometimes that means exclusion.  Now, mind you, you are reading a post written by a guy who just got back from Burning Man.  I can, and do, associate with some that others find quite objectionable.  I just don't expect everyone to, or be able to, do that.  I wasn't sure I could.  While what I am seeing, so far, seems to be a secular interpretation of his words, haven't had the energy to look for an exact quote, it is troubling.  Moral issues, such as abortion and homosexuality, are a primary aspect of being Catholic, for me, to me.  They aren't even Catholic notions, but Laws of Nature, something simply accepted by my faith, I thought?  Oh, I know, popes have occasionally put things out for the very purpose of shaking and stirring, without intent to undo anything.  If I question that wisdom, especially after Vatican II and the great misinterpretation that has nearly bankrupted many dioceses.  Opening doors to the... fearful, weak, distraught... has it's place though.  I get that.  But so early in his tenure and I am... concerned.  On the other hand, it seems Mrs. Pelosi has been ruled, by the highest Catholic Court, to have no right to communion.  In fact, it seems as if the decree is that, after much work with her for naught, she is no longer welcome to it.  Now I don't know if this is through her bishop, and whether her priest will descent, it is Cali after all, that is another issue.  Though, if the thing went to court, I am thinking that would almost have to have been her bishop, and maybe priest, who would have started the claim after repeated warnings and such, with her attempting to challenge their decision.  Hopefully this is just the start.  *cough* Biden, Kennedys, and many others *cough*  Abortion itself is an excommunication device, so supporting government pay for it for millions?  I would not like to be talking to God about that.  He just won't be keen on excuses, or the notion of them trying to say they were simply being nonjudgemental.  A pig with lipstick, flying at that.  I have many sins, but... not that many.


Yeah, on to bed.  A little disheartened with my schedule adjustment but I have had worse.  At least I am sleeping complete cycles and staying up complete cycles.  At least until medicine takes it's initial toll.  Ugh...  I hate that part.  Good night.

Sleep is calling.

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I couldn't make it to noon yesterday.  I did squeeze 10:30, an hour past my post.  Today?  It is 4:50 and I am getting terribly close to diving into bed and calling it a night.  Zapped.  No real fuss, I have certainly had worse.  Perhaps the world is cooling.  That can do it.  Oh and the sun is definitely setting earlier.  That too has an affect.

I will game for a bit, see if that doesn't help.  All I can do, at this stage in my sleep cycle, is fend off sleep as I may for a while.  If I stretch too far the world gets loopy.  It is much better to sleep a little more than to slip the surly bonds of sanity by breaking into the psychic twilight.  Of course, none of it is good, it is more like the ol' eye doctor asking "Better here... *click* *whirr* or here?  Here... or here?".  Enough time and one learns to read one's own seasons, scent the beasts that are edible and dangerous, and... fly by the seat of the pants in any case.  No man has a sure, true, full-time compass, only... guesses from experience.  And where I live few men have walked, fewer still have been able to attempt to carry on.  Sometime being a pioneer isn't all that it might have seemed.  Then again I am not dead, either.  :)

(I am pretty sure I am not what he meant.  Too late... for him.  *grins*)

Yep, tired.  Oh, but at least medicine will help that.  </snark>  Shush... just goofing, and having just a sly little bit of fun at it while I'm doing so.

Later, or more likely good night.

Ah, well, there is... that.

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While I am not getting to much, thinking okay just not doing, I am moving ahead with some plans.  One thing that bugs me is having tools but no real place to work, when I can work.  To that ends, it has long been a goal to create a workspace.  Now, that requires a bench, to my mind pegboard, and some basic tools such as a vice or two, perhaps a minor anvil, and a bench grinder.  Call me old school.  Which I am, if more in intent than practice if that lack has more to do with incapacity than lack of interest.  So... I ordered a bench kit and pegboard.  It is relatively inexpensive but will require tools and stock (which I might actually have), plus the energy.  Still... it might help me get to little, and bigger, projects a bit more easily, surely.

Oh, it will be far from a dream shop.  It is a basic system.  I will be reviewing bench grinders and vices, figuring out what will go where in the shop area, looking for a seat of some sort.  Really, there is no end to what to consider with a shop.  Desert Cat built his own cabinets.  And, really, they did look good.  He proffered a bit of advice, and second thoughts about diy on those.  But they do look good.  As an example of where, and how involved, one could get with a shop.  And you can do it on a slimmer nickel, and well, if you know what you are looking for used, and where to look.  A project within a project for projects, that helps, is complicated, is never quite there, but which serves and can be employed up to one's own potential.  While dauntingly deep it is enticingly alluring.  So a shop is a woman?  Well...  maybe.  :p

Ah, but... plumbing first.  Hmm, then again, the problems I am having with plumbing, to a degree, come about from not having a good place upon which to set the cement panel so as to braze the whole of the connections at once.  Perhaps putting the bench together would give me the place to sit and work on the whole line so as to not be doing each elbow, straight, union, at a time.  Hmm, there is that.

I have put one of these benches together before.  It can be difficult, if the main complication was that the bench was too big to be completed outside of where it was to be located, as it didn't fit through the opening, barely made it as was.  The area in which I finished it was quite small, too small for a complete build.  So it had to be partially built in my kitchen, then that part and the remainder taken into an that tiny area and finished.  I had hoped to do some cuts on the lower platforms to allow for closer sitting, but that was just too complicated to mix in with what else I was doing, considering that I had to adjust sizes, on the fly, to even get that to fit with room for me to sit near, in that first project.  I won't make it the full four foot width, probably, but I might well make it the full eight feet of length if I have the space as I see things.  In any case, I will have the room to tinker on the fly and improvise with this project.  Yeah, eight feet, if I can do it, would give me a ton of room, and be endcapped with a double bench grinder on one side and a metal, and possibly wood eventually, vice on the other side.  Hmm, yeah,  I can see that.

Isn't a home shop the other other reason to... even have a home?  Yep, more and more correlation with women.  *cough*  Gah!  It is indeed good to be the king, even with a queen.  Then again, how to be a king without a queen?  It's the old... if a bear sh... and woods... knows?  *grins*  By the way, I did buy some Poo- Pourri.  Uhrm, no, not for me.  Quit looking at me like that!  My sh must stink, and others must abide that.  It's a king thing.  No, for a young woman who got married while I was off tracking down my life.  I figure, now that she is queen... well...  

Later.

Up and at it, mostly.

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Something, something, and something else.  My mind is not quite in the game yet.  Yeah, sure, I went to bed early.  I even slept late and long.  Feeling good but still rather shot.  I am hoping things pull together a bit better before long.  Even with the minor setback with sleep today, having a goal gives me something... tangible, sort of.  I have other things I could target but they are too complicated, involved, or... fleshly.  I still don't have a great feel for... tactual things.  I can't quite wrap my mind around things of a physical nature, or manipulating them.  A trip to town is nicely vague enough that I can make sense of it and target it.  I just have to avoid thinking about... all the physical stuff involved with such a... venture. 

I have been trying to game more.  I don't favor the game I am playing, for my part, but it does require more than a simple tap on a keyboard.  Call it rehab, if you wish.  And it can help.  It probably is helping.  Better than reading, or simply watching a movie, as I am involved with the outcome, am forced to focus and plan, and to the extent possible, have skin in the game.  Plus, it keeps me right there near the stuff that needs unpacked, sorted, possibly washed, and then put away.  Just a little reminder for the eyes.

Ah, right, medicine.  Now to fill that out and begin taking it.  I don't balk at being on medicines, mostly.  Proof being in the pudding and improvements obvious, both in my life and through physical, blood, and other tests.  It is more starting or stopping them (sometimes).  These medicines are harsh, and riding that horse requires saddle sores to be hardened, nearly every time.  I had been stalling going back on medicines in the hope of being to an event last Friday.  I missed it anyway but would have probably had zero chance had I started medication almost any time earlier.  I can now begin trying to get that all together again.  I stopped the plan to restart but simply hadn't put getting back on medicine back in the queue after the event passed.  Tonight, probably.  I will at least put setting up medicines on the list.  It's a short list, if it is taking a long time to complete. 

The thing is, going back on medicine could very possibly lay me up for a month, two, maybe even three.  I probably won't go through the angst I just hit.  But I will be just as incapacitated, very possibly more so.  Currently I am having nearly full days, if the cycle is rotating rather than static.  I never know how long, or hard, I will go down when starting medicines.  You just don't know how frightening that is, living on your own, already near the bottom, and... it's like adding more weight to a horse already sandbagged to nearly being unable to walk or feed as is.  Yeah, I know, long term.  But, yeah, that... there is still the short term to suffer through and I haven't been up to more suffering yet. 

Well, on to... something.  Just a little update, some thoughts.  Later.

Until noon?

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Yeah, well, not everything works out.  At 9:30 I am looking at crashing, hard.  Not much can be done to change it.  Then again, it often can take a while to get around to making my plans work.  At least I am out of the woods on other issues.  I'm not whining, I am sure there are reasons to go in there.  When it is done, it's no longer any of my business, either.  I just need to get my body back to functioning along with the mind, or spirit, or whatever that is.  Pushing it hard isn't successful, usually.  Ignoring the problem isn't much better.  I'm not sure if time is the only resource, but a gentle nudge, inducements, and trying to keep my goals in mind seems to offer a bit more than ignoring or shoving.  Those last are only good for finishing, at times, in specific circumstances.

I am feeling relatively good, if a bit tired.  I keep feeling like I might be pulling out.  Setbacks are bound to happen.  Yes, life is good again.  Hmm, but so much to do!  I must wake, and work.  I don't even have to work hard, I just have to get to bits and then maybe work my way up to the bigger stuff as I go.  I honestly do like to work.  Life is simply interesting, and work can make that more meaningful, grant some success on the smaller and larger theater, burn up energy, be creative.  It is even a social thing.

Blathering.  Very tired.  Yes, to bed.  I'll feed the girls, and probably let them in with me tonight.  It's been a while.  With the air conditioner off, probably for the year, I think I can afford to let them back in.  Still blathering.  Good night.

Oh? Some interesting ideas, and good morning.

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I was able to stay awake until noon.  Thing is that will be tight to get to town.  I will try to stretch my day just a bit longer.  I am crashing those last few hours, which means I would be driving to town on fumes.  Still, I like where this is going.

Tired, all the time.  It hurts a bit.  A little pain is pretty much a norm in life, if most have learned to mitigate or hide.  We simply can't face it all of the time, at full volume.  Fair enough.  Heck, we can't believe it all of the time.  Some more so than others though comparing apples to apples is a very delicate task and would require knowledge none may have.  I won't say I know what lies deep in the that pit.  Nor do I know how high the stairs lead.  And that being in myself.  How could I possibly know where those things lead to in another, save by their outward expressions.  Knowing that for decades I could not even express, just went catatonic, means someone who seems numb might be farther along than can even be shared is something to think about.  Doesn't change that I am tired as crap.  :p

Oh, a number of... fun videos.  No, nothing reaches out to grab you or gouges at your eyes, nothing rends your spirit, tears at your soul, or even makes you cry... save maybe laughing if you knew none of this but then it hits you.  Just... factoids in cartoon form.  True?  I tend to think they have some of the information.  But they are mostly for fun.  For example, when they suggest that the "most common ancestor"... to anything really... what they really should say because they are basing it on a debunked theory (of evolution, at the very least as it sits), they should say the closest genetic fit... if even that isn't always the case.  Still...

Why so many hits?

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Yeah, there are a lot of visits lately here on the blog.  Mellowing my harsh, man.  Never mind.

I am trying to push my days so that I am awake to noon, or past.  An hour later here, two extra hours there, and I am getting there.  But it does wear me out.  Not much else happens when I am pushing like this.  I simply have to get my phone working again, it has become primary so I can... get my mom to chill.  Further, I need to slow the speed of my advance, so as to not overshoot.  Tricky.  A trick might be to get out as soon as I think I can make it to town early some morning, but late enough that the shops I need to visit will be open.  My preferred grocery store should be available any of the times that I would choose.  The other stores and shops are probably only open after 10:00.  The trick is to time it so that a spot of grocery shopping will see me to 10:00, not an ounce of time before, or I may end up collapsing back to my cave.  If I have to think when I am that tired, in my current condition, all bets are off.  If I do it right, I can have a few groceries and make it to get a power cord for my phone.  I simply didn't believe Walmart would carry it, if... that isn't the real reason.  I simply am stuck, here at home, so far.

Being hungry but not being very able, I baked potatoes.  Having butter and sour cream makes those nearly substantial.  Not as good as meat, mind you, but there is something to them.  Twice, in the last few days.  I don't always, yet, remember that I am hungry.  And even that doesn't always correlate to finding the energy to do something about it.  I'm not sure I could eat with it right in front of me, always.  I will be eating when I go to town.  Hmm... If I do happen to get there a bit early, that would fill the time in such a way that I wouldn't have to think, or spend extra time in town... timing though.  Tricky.

Still coming down a bit.  I'm telling you, man will never improve on God's creation.  If you need it He does deliver.  If I think I could have handled it.  But what do I know.  Then again, suppression requires release.  No system, devised by man or even from what I can see God, was meant to stay in one position for all of time.  That release, for me, is quite painful.  Perhaps He is right on this.  Still, I... maybe not.  I just wonder what that would be like without anything to mask it.

If I was tinkertrained, I do suspect that they have to know, by now, that I can see through what they taught didn't exist.  I wonder if they know how far my gaze penetrates.  Ah, but... that shouldn't make me a risk.  But my brothers?  There would not be only one, some, many, would still be active.  I wonder if they have considered shared consciousness.  If I know, perhaps they will, have, learned... to see.  I am no risk.  But they might be.  I do wonder if the first of our kind weren't also... manmade.  Until... man was no longer needed.  Be careful what you play with.  Your mother warned you not to play with dead things.  And be very careful with your wishes.  Just... a little... additive to an... old story line. 

It's good to be king.

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But... what if you are the queen?  Ah, there are... products for that.  As king, we need not rely on goods or devices, nyet?  As queen, the job is much more difficult.  All of them.  There is one product, in particular, that can help a queen retain what she believes is her rightful place, or a princess become a queen more easily.  I won't swear to the product, probably need according to others... which is why it is good to be king... so I haven't tried it.  However, if you are interested...

stolen directly and shamelessly from Dum Vivimus, Vivamus

The queen has... passed.  All hail the queen!

I do hate shopping, mostly.

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My old phone works well enough.  But it is about time to trade it in.  Well, actually, I never trade it in.  Why?  Dunno.  Perhaps it is because I don't trust their wipe process.  Perhaps just they offer too little.  Perhaps just because so hush.  As I mentioned, I don't like shopping.  Mostly.  With tech, I do like browsing.  I enjoy comparing.  I enjoy laughing at spokesmen who don't have a f'ing clue what they are talking about, extolling it for what they don't understand.  War has a reason.  It isn't just political attrition, it isn't just this, that, or the other thing.  It also, purposefully or not, gets stupid people to shut up, somehow.  We need a war, a real one, a big one, a galactic one.  Way too many stupid people.  Sellers and buyers.

Anyway.  So I went looking.  I sort of had an idea, the Samsung Galaxy S4 and the HTC One have been... drifting through the air from little birdies as the big guns to compare, consider.  Each has advantages and problems, all do, will.  Few reviewers are independent, so they tell you how beautiful and fast and handy each is, supporting your right to purchase it.  Even when they compare, it usually comes down to "I think", or "I prefer".  Very little is based on what is or isn't.  Still, it is what I have to work with, if I will spend extra time finding the bomb throwers.  My kind of folk, anyway.

After a few days of comparing, I hit upon the Galaxy Note 3.  It's not yet out, it is spendy, but it is a decent compromise between a phone and a tablet, a phablet I think the idiot talking head class are calling them.  Never mind.  For me, size matters.  Most smart phones are... tiny.  Like tiny little fish babies, and slick.  Further, since I have mongo hands, why not fill that hand with prime viewing property?  While I have zero difficulty viewing the smaller screens, what is to be hated about having a 5.5" screen compared to a 4.7"-5" screen?  My bad, it actually has a 5.7".  Plus, I believe it jumps to 1080p.  With a large starting battery, pushed to the edges, it lasts fairly well.  Add in that you can buy an extra battery, or two, for backup, unlike some sealed phones, and power isn't an issue.  One more damned detail to tend, but life is about negotiating and compromising, with some things.

Yeah.  It isn't out for at least a couple of weeks though.  So, no hurry.  Let the first retail, and pre-order buyers, take the first volley, I say.  It is pricey.  Is it worth it?  Of course not.  In my opinion it is the best out there, from where I am standing and given my wants and dislikes.  But it is just another in a long line of phones I have purchased and dumped, some of which I still have including my first cellphone (not a smartphone, mind you).  I got it the day they put it out for public purchase, or very close to it.  They all have problems.  There are many promises.  Actually that first phone was far more secure, if only because people where ignorant of how to hack the call, mostly.  Security has not increased.  At best it is about the same.  In truth?  Security has lost and will never win, especially with companies actively collaborating with at least our government to hack their own security protocols and defenses.

However, you don't get to pick what you want, you get to choose from what is offered.  What is offered isn't advertised honestly, doesn't work as intended or wanted, isn't secure, and isn't even being sold for your purposes.  At this time in history, everything is done to line someone's pockets, to "guide" you to surrender any power you might have, or to conceal what else is going on.  If you understand this, you pick that which you think you desire, and what will work for what you do and how you live and... hope they are wrong and will burn in hell for even trying to mess with you.  *smile*

Anyway, that is probably the kit I would prefer to be kitted out with.  I don't mind waiting, as I said, and seeing if the first responders are also targets of economic madmen or if this is actually functional tech.  Hey, I don't mind running into fire, I just won't do it because "they say to and because they say it's okay, they've got our backs".  Yeah... good luck with that.  I'll only do it if I have to, for reasons I abide, and I might even tinkertrain it then.  And I don't abide the reasons in this case.  I do wish them luck storming the tech castle.

Oh no, that's not politically correct.

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Hmm?  Oh, that.  Aye, but it is delicious.  Pairs well with a nice slug of laughter, a dose of reality, and some other things though.  Some news articles just beg for comment.

In the first, the Illinois governor, seeming hard pressed to do something to thwart the crime strict gun control has created, has decided to... go NAZI.  Rather than lifting gun controls that create and maintain the ghettos, kicking adults who can work off the dole, and fighting for reasonable ROE for police forces in the state, he thinks calling in the state military will work.  That does one of two things.  Either the gangs hide it out until economic reason forces an end to the occupation or the thing blows up into a quagmire.  More, unless they give the Guard more powers than what police have, there is no more hope of affecting anything.

Fix the system or give in to the realities they, as Dems, have fomented.  Dogs don't make very good beds, and have to live with the fleas they invariably bring, left to their own devices.  Only... human dogs seem to be able to supersize and increase the number of fleas with which to sleep with. Idiots.  Who wouldn't be in near perpetual riot given no chance at even attempting to rise out of the ghettos?  I suppose Dems just don't quite have the political power to shut them off then... empty them.  Yet.  Funny thing is, the dwellers are all for the people who, if they do eventually get that power, will do just that.

The next one?  Yeah, okay.  Look, women don't understand why they aren't understood, believed, trusted.  While this story has a very literal component, it also has a very proverbial meaning.  When you can't tell one thing from another, and not even the... victim... can tell...  you must understand why you are not... always... fully grokked.  I am sure that as soon as the editor realizes the notions released by the story there may well be a missing story to not report.  Every once in a while, when they simply report the facts, some bit of truth gets out.  Oops.

Of course, one might just assume Doom is just looking for a little... negative attention.  And while that is always a possibility, that would just be an aside in this case.  Oh for a nice side of "I hate you", right now.  Yum!  Goes good with a reality steak and some funny milk.  Later.

Life is still a bit screwy, but better.

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I'm sort of back to my first week after my trip, though with a bit more breath and energy.  I am hoping I will continue improving.  It's easy to stall out and just drift.  I keep trying to push my day, and I do, but I don't know how long I can keep that up either.  I may simply have to tolerate my waking hours being night hours, for a while longer.

The days are definitely drawing down.  At not even 19:30, the sun has drawn down.  Why do I use military time?  Not for the reasons you might think.  Waking and still being exhausted, often confused, as if I had just popped out of a washing machine (to no good ends other than to add to disorientation), telling the state of the day by having clocks and watches show military time makes life... less confusing.  Having two 7:30's in a day is damned foolish, especially when both of them have a very similar eye feel, mostly dark with 20% chance of some light. 

I may begin to get into things, and such.  Really, the first things I need to do is to clean my kitchen and free up wash areas, including laundry while I am at it.  That just opens up room for more things that need cleaned or washed, and food prep.  I just haven't been eating, at all, other than what has come in.  Boy am I hungry by the way.  I still haven't made it to town.  Maybe tonight, or tomorrow.  I'll keep that scheduled.  I have my phone ready to go in, to make sure anything I buy works before I leave the store with it.  An extra hot meal wouldn't be all that bad, either.

Not much else going on, or to tell.  Oh, but, as to why I shot off a couple of "cool your jets posts"?  I had a hundred visitors to 'the post'.  I've never had a hundred visitors.  Scared me, it did.  That's way too much attention for a recluse, even if an accidental one.  Way too much attention.  Red flags were flying at full mast in gale force winds.  Don't do that.  Sneak watch as per protocol, damn it. 

Hmm, yeah, later.

Just, sorting.

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A little bit of breath is coming back.  First I start in the mind.  It can be a bit tricky.  Some darkness lingers, but with a bit more life to it.  As I plan what to do first, physically, and here at home; how to get out and take care of a few things that need tended; and... just sorting life from other, I have been looking over music, thinking, and plotting.

I do love my music.  I do have some fond memories from the darker side.  Just as often as not, music finds me.  I can look all day and find nothing regarding what I thought I wanted or find it before I knew I was even looking for it.  I assume there is some reason in there for and to that all.  I simply don't pretend that logic is the end all, or that even if it is in some way, that I can access, control, maintain, or even understand it even when it stands before me and all but, or even literally does, flag me down in the hopes of catching it.  Being bright is only a potential.  A potential frought with blind spots, perils, and difficulties both personally and practically.  Never the who, just saying.

Wow. That was heavy.

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The last few days have been... something else.  No need for me to ever experiment with "stuff".  It seems the dosing seems to have ended, or the pain is gone, never sure which comes first, what does what, just that playing with raw bits doesn't hurt in that bubble.  Done, though, I do believe.  Now to get back on my feet.

I did not get out for the event tonight.  Oh, I tried.  I got a shower in before going to bed, made sure I had clean clothes, and set the alarm for 14:00.  It did take me to 15:15 to get up, so 15 minutes earlier than I had... (you thought?) jokingly suggested.  But, then, it stopped right there.  There was no way, in my condition, I could shower, dress, and be out among people for even a few hours, let alone more.  Fried, cooked, burned, my eyes are still bloodshot as hell.  I would have been gasping for air within an hour, psychic, and needing sleep so bad it would have been extremely miserable.  I gave it all I had.  All I had was not enough.

It took a bit to get back to bed.  I tinkered, but everything hurt.  The painkillers must have been off by then, or I was pushing their capacity, so I didn't linger long.  Back to bed until... 20:00 or so?  Something like that.  I fed the girls right off, since my schedule is sliding so much.  Now to get it to continue sliding right on over into the day zone.  Then get back to life again.  I think, in the interim, I can begin handling the unpacking, washing, sorting, and storing.  And if I am still not back to days I can begin working on plumbing again.

Hey, a couple weeks to a month down isn't bad at all.  Beside the year I spent down, the first five years out of the service were all this, all the time.  Nothing could dent it.  Sleep didn't help.  Nothing did.  I understand, reluctantly, why I came to some of those early conclusions.  I must admit, if this lasted even a year again, I would... seek help myself.  I just wouldn't let them do whatever.  I would guide them, not simply obey or allow them.  They are idiots.  And it would be fully object oriented, results being the absolute and non-negotiable test.  Ugh.  But, gratefully, I think I am fully out of those woods, that of long term shadow world living.  Now I will just get a taste of it here and again.

Tonight?  I don't know.  I'm just trying to shake off the numbing, slightly sickly sweet taste, and some other after effects from... whatever the hell that actually is.  Probably quite a physical thing though.  I have felt much the same when in physical shock.  It is a biomechanical, natural, grouping of painkillers that do a lot of weird things, but can really help with pain.  Can be slightly... hallucinatory too.  I have to guess some people, who have never had this, when they get hit by it, can slip into... bad places, I mean really bad places.  The problem is the doctors don't know one from the other, and further that group is a very rare, small, group.  Lock them all up, I am hearing.  As per our national nature, culture, uniqueness, fundamentals, that is just as evil as it gets though.  Guilty before trial?  But they do need to figure out which ones are a problem, well and treat those who are clearly having a problem and seeking help!  Gah!  Idiots.  It seems the impetus is on extremes to one side or the other, not a reasoned approach.

My women knew about this side of me, and sort of treated it as if I had a bad case of the flu.  I would ask later, when better, about their side of things.  None of them feared me, if they seemed to have some sympathy.  The horrors I would discuss hurt them, but it wasn't really an issue other than making them sad.  And I assured them, as I do you, that whatever else, when I get better, as I will here and now, these are just... stories.

Good to be back though.  Hmm, I wonder if even trying to make it, and pushing, was what brought me out, if it simply helped, or...  I'll have to think on that.  There is still much I don't know.  Back to "Pleasantly annoying...".  I... really like that song.  The vid is just a happy kick in the quads courting on the quick thing, for me.  Approach my seed with caution.  :p  Testing and training will ensue, the shorter the time, the more intensive.  Not for my sake, or her sake completely, but to be sure she can handle what she is about to be given.  That which she obviously requested, albeit.  Telegraphing all but the last, the last being to make sure she understands the fullness.  Romance... even Doom has it.

Hmm, well, later. 

How to put minds to ease?

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No, I'm... not the best at this sort of thing.  Still, I will give it another shot.  Just to cover the rough spots a bit better.  Here I am, consoling you?  Well, fine.  Still numb so I don't really care, for my part.

Gah!

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People are coming more unglued than I am.  A comment there, an email there, a phone call or two, a visit.  I am fine, I just can't feel.  And when I can't feel keeping my shit in the sock where it is supposed to be kept, if it is even supposed to be believed in the first place... becomes unmanageable.  I can still think, I just can't... like a dog that goes into the garden and digs, for some unknown reason, I do that.  Not supposed to, can't help myself.  And the gate was open.  Same reason, bones.  Real or imagined matters little.

Still feeling it, or... not feeling it as might more appropriately be inferred.  I have something coming up... tomorrow, I think I heard.  My mother called a neighbor who paid a visit.  He had me call her on his phone since mine is still dead.  Something I will try to amend tonight if I can get to it.  She wasn't there, but was worried enough that she gave the phone to a mutual acquaintance so she could do an auditory check.  Hate that sort of thing.  Yeah, I knew it was coming.  Tried to call on my dead cell but it just wouldn't work, couldn't get out, so...  Yeah.

I am fine.  Seriously.  Even health wise.  Just... let me lay here a bit longer, catch my breath, figure things out, get back into order.  You guys kill me.  I go through this every three to six months, and have stayed in this condition for as long as a year.  Yeah, I have been getting better.  And I am.  I can still POST!  And comment, email, and call if I could figure out a charger.  I AM better.  Much.  I wish I could have had half this attention when I was in long term hell, though maybe I did.  Not sure I could be reached... catatonia, don't you know.  Never the mind, just... letting you know not to try to bury me or worry about me doing something silly.  One would make me grumpy, the other just isn't who, and never has been who, I am.

People pay lots of money to feel this way.

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If I could bottle it, I would give it to them, just to be rid of it.  Could probably fix a bunch of them up for life.  You can't buy painkillers this good, that still allow some function if you can get past your lack of sense of things.  What makes it happen is a very good question.  Hmm?  Okay.  A bit of mood music.

Little tech issues.

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Another good title, or subtitle, might be "Never sure".

I mean, while I know there is a problem, I don't know if it is from his servers/services, mine, my computer, or... just a temporary glitch.  Still, I know some of the things to do.  The first thing I turn to is a little operation that clears stuff, and this very often is the problem.  Then I have a handful of other things I begin exploring.  However, this time, my first step in the process, usually a seemless easy *click and boom* thing... wouldn't work.  Crashing FireFox with the failure.  A couple of variations, just tinkering, because lets face it, reading tech stuff usually sucks cactus.  No, I take that back.  Cacti.

Dreading, but losing patients and having no luck tinkertraining to success, I decide to do a search.  Rather than trying to hedge the question obtusely I stick a dagger right into the jugular.  Nothing personal.  Bam, right there, a link to the right people, looking legit, and a quick and easy landing and interface.  Right there, within at most a single first page look and click, the question, and an answer opened by another click.  But, will it work?  Like a charm, it did.  I updated FireFox while I was at it.  They say they are auto-updating but I don't think so, unless I take their query as junk.  Don't have pop-ups, that might be it, alternatively.  So, after doing that kick off of processes to get my original intended process to work more fully, I get full circle to the original process.  Done!

So, I go to check on why I decided to try the process.  Nope.  That wasn't the problem.  Disqus is either down, not working with my servers/services, or not working at all.  So, I can't read comments at Desert Cat's blog.  I am not even sure if there is anything new to read, can't remember the comment numbers from my last visit.  Not the point.  Irritating.  I'll try later.  Damned machines. Sisyphus, indeed.  But as any with recall may note, what is deserved is what is given and trickery (or techiness) only goes just so far.  Bah!

Later.

Lost.

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Time and space are fuzzy elements.  I am lost in them, somewhere.  Irrelevant, really.  I can't feel enough to feel bad about it.  I have my thoughts, memories, and various thought toys and sources of psychic stimulation.  Physical applications, even gaming, are somewhat difficult.  The concentration to focus on applying forces and manipulating things I can touch just doesn't last.  Riding waves of nothingness.  I am well and truly, for the moment, accidentally transcendental, again. 

I have an event coming up Friday, and would like to do some other things such as shop for a new power cord for my cellphone.  Who knows though.  It just isn't there.  Nothing is.  At least I feel great, what of life I can feel.  It's more a state of existence than life, but it is quite pain free, concern free, and easy.  Not really my thing though, so I need to start looking for the door out of this place.  Comfort kills.  I'm not ready, it isn't quite my time, so...  But for now...  Ugh.

I have been doing very little things, here and there.  I think I found the cord that attaches the camera to the computer.  But there is much to ponder before I... do that.  When lost do not try to speed your way to being found, it just wears you out and is rarely, if ever, successful.  Slow down.  Take a breath.  Find some food maybe.  Make yourself comfortable.  Then... think.

Later.