.
.
The heart did just right. I liked the flavor profile thyme, bay leaves, a dozen whole peppercorns, and a touch of salt offered. Just a bit of water, nothing fancy. When it was done I put it on a cutting board, strained the spices from the juices, and made a gravy. A bit of butter, a little flour, a touch of baking powder... soda... you know, and a lot of stirring. I didn't have heavy whipping cream, so that was that. It came out perfect, without the need for more salt, or anything really. Heart, if you don't know, is like the animal version of a big portobello, in taste, texture to a degree, and general appearance. While I really enjoy portabellas, they just aren't... meat. Actually my favorite, or one of my favorite, uses for them is as a vegetal pizza crust. No slicing, dicing, long stewing, just add pizza sauce, meat(s) (always "s" hereabouts), and other vegetables if you are such a monster as to cook vegetables on other vegetable type things, and bake... for a while. Just long enough for the cheese to melt then crust up and brown. No, I'll take heart. Just in case you were curious what it tasted like, sort of. When the brown short rice, gravy, and heart were mixed, the meal was quite delicious. Really. And I need it. Odd how good food doesn't require much to be satisfying. White rice, or regular pasta, creates a feeding frenzy, where this stuff doesn't. Then again, I know that parents with kids... gotta do what they gotta do. Yeah, I remember being a child, and having a brother who was just as picky but about very different things. I am pleased mother didn't kill us just for that.
Oh, right, I ought to get back to dishes. I need to get the kitchen wrapped back up while I am at it, and put the food away. Oh, and soak beans for tomorrow. I want to set the beans to soak as a last thing. They can go sour rather quickly. Oh... just bragging about doing something right. And trying to put some goals here to try to guilt myself into getting more done, as well. Later, or maybe good night. I will at least get the food put up.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Odd doings, for an ogre, zombie ogre at that.
.
.
I haven't quite gotten into the laundry room yet. I am a bit tired. Oh, yeah, I started medicines again. That might be it. I have worked on the dishes, though mostly to make a meal. I used the last of the rice I have out. The white rice is for emergency, and in too large of a container for me to comfortably open and use, so I will be needing more. Rice and beans, on hand, if I can keep up with it, plus a bit of cheese, will give me something to eat, and be more or less balanced. A bit of meat cooked will simply add flavor, texture, and that true protein taste that is lacking otherwise.
With the rice cooked, I realized the beef heart was thawed. I decided to pressure cook that, and it is about half done at this point. After a meal of that, I will put up the rice and cook black beans. Actually, by the time I am done, I will only be able to set them to soak. Cooking them in the morning should do just fine. I also, while I was at it, pulled out a few more meats. A slice of ham, a package of bacon, another heart (I am sort of practicing with meats, trying various spices and such), and a couple of packages of hamburger for the week. No, nothing fancy, but it will do. Oh, right, chicken thighs were also brought out. Yeah, it's a lot. My eyes may be bigger than my stomach. But if cooked, and set into meals, it might work out. I got the chicken out because a hibachi I purchased arrived, potentially for next year instead of the smoker/grill. I would like to test it. Hmm, I suppose, since it is cast, I will need to season it. Not a problem.
I hope to finish the dishes, put a load through the washer, and probably call it a night after that. My days are fluctuating, but in a very odd way. Some nights I can't sleep until 3:00, the very next night I might not be able to stay up until 19:00. I just never quite know. I have been pushing through the want of early sleep, or just zoning through it. I'll try to even that out a bit, if I can. Yeah, I might skip the laundry, it just takes too long, and then if I forget a little, even longer. Worse, laundry could end up being forgotten in the dryer, or worse yet the washing machine. So far, here, I haven't ever walked in to find a ton of moldy clothes. That only happened once and was such a learning experience... if it kills me I have been good about not forgetting clothes. Ew-yick! Nasty.
Oh, the odd thing? Reading at one of my usual reads, the general topic of poem memorization came up. This has been something on my mind for a bit now, a couple of years I should think, three? four? The problem is, as I recall, most verse is totally unsuited for a barbaric gentleman such as myself. For the ladies, dandies, and the like, that is fine. I am not 'the like'. I have no delicate or wanting nature, not in the same ways to be sure. While there is Poe, even his stuff suffered from an air of... the effeminate, some of it anyway. I am quite sure there is poetry which is military centric. That, also, for the most part, will not do. Too much love for king, queen, or state. No, no. I am not a servant of the people, or nation. I did my duty, which started out as a servant of the people but became a brotherhood, and that was that. Now, general poetry by and for warriors might suffice, should it be of honest quality. As would poesy regarding travel, adventure, notions of faith and thought, but from a male's perspective. Yes, I realize, some of the reason so much seems as doggerel is due to the time in which it was written, period etiquette, and language differences. Well, and those educated even well enough to read and write so as to even be able to write poetry, then with the interest and wherewithal to waste their time doing so, were of the extremely wealthy set. As with modern academics, not a sort of folk known for... hardiness, of spirit, morality, ethics, or flesh. The lot doesn't even know how to breed to even replacement value, for heavens sake, they just talk about it endlessly. Remind me of retarded children, they do. Bleh!
Urhm... Where was I? Ah, right. So, to find poetry, or even poets, who aren't diddling themselves with words, or trying to diddle me... To find the same who write suitably worthy of even reading, let alone memorizing and reciting... A trick, indeed. And, for the most part, exactly why I have done no such thing so far. I have, actually, from time to time, done minor searching. Actually that is what lead mot to haiku, if I didn't jump right in at first. Even that took a bit for me to nerve up to doing. But my stuff sucks, if it's on the right path, in the correct direction, and on topic. Something about never be hailed as a hero at home? So... shut it. If you like my stuff, I am pleased. I'm just not with you. The thing is, haiku isn't something I would memorize. It just doesn't... work like that, for me. I like it, but...
Yeah, but I think I can get the dishes down, and do a bit more cleaning and straightening, for what little it will show, in the living room. At least there will be places to sit and some room to be comfortable. And it will be slightly less... cluttered. Perhaps a bit more in there tomorrow as well. Ugh.
Good night.
.
I haven't quite gotten into the laundry room yet. I am a bit tired. Oh, yeah, I started medicines again. That might be it. I have worked on the dishes, though mostly to make a meal. I used the last of the rice I have out. The white rice is for emergency, and in too large of a container for me to comfortably open and use, so I will be needing more. Rice and beans, on hand, if I can keep up with it, plus a bit of cheese, will give me something to eat, and be more or less balanced. A bit of meat cooked will simply add flavor, texture, and that true protein taste that is lacking otherwise.
With the rice cooked, I realized the beef heart was thawed. I decided to pressure cook that, and it is about half done at this point. After a meal of that, I will put up the rice and cook black beans. Actually, by the time I am done, I will only be able to set them to soak. Cooking them in the morning should do just fine. I also, while I was at it, pulled out a few more meats. A slice of ham, a package of bacon, another heart (I am sort of practicing with meats, trying various spices and such), and a couple of packages of hamburger for the week. No, nothing fancy, but it will do. Oh, right, chicken thighs were also brought out. Yeah, it's a lot. My eyes may be bigger than my stomach. But if cooked, and set into meals, it might work out. I got the chicken out because a hibachi I purchased arrived, potentially for next year instead of the smoker/grill. I would like to test it. Hmm, I suppose, since it is cast, I will need to season it. Not a problem.
I hope to finish the dishes, put a load through the washer, and probably call it a night after that. My days are fluctuating, but in a very odd way. Some nights I can't sleep until 3:00, the very next night I might not be able to stay up until 19:00. I just never quite know. I have been pushing through the want of early sleep, or just zoning through it. I'll try to even that out a bit, if I can. Yeah, I might skip the laundry, it just takes too long, and then if I forget a little, even longer. Worse, laundry could end up being forgotten in the dryer, or worse yet the washing machine. So far, here, I haven't ever walked in to find a ton of moldy clothes. That only happened once and was such a learning experience... if it kills me I have been good about not forgetting clothes. Ew-yick! Nasty.
Oh, the odd thing? Reading at one of my usual reads, the general topic of poem memorization came up. This has been something on my mind for a bit now, a couple of years I should think, three? four? The problem is, as I recall, most verse is totally unsuited for a barbaric gentleman such as myself. For the ladies, dandies, and the like, that is fine. I am not 'the like'. I have no delicate or wanting nature, not in the same ways to be sure. While there is Poe, even his stuff suffered from an air of... the effeminate, some of it anyway. I am quite sure there is poetry which is military centric. That, also, for the most part, will not do. Too much love for king, queen, or state. No, no. I am not a servant of the people, or nation. I did my duty, which started out as a servant of the people but became a brotherhood, and that was that. Now, general poetry by and for warriors might suffice, should it be of honest quality. As would poesy regarding travel, adventure, notions of faith and thought, but from a male's perspective. Yes, I realize, some of the reason so much seems as doggerel is due to the time in which it was written, period etiquette, and language differences. Well, and those educated even well enough to read and write so as to even be able to write poetry, then with the interest and wherewithal to waste their time doing so, were of the extremely wealthy set. As with modern academics, not a sort of folk known for... hardiness, of spirit, morality, ethics, or flesh. The lot doesn't even know how to breed to even replacement value, for heavens sake, they just talk about it endlessly. Remind me of retarded children, they do. Bleh!
Urhm... Where was I? Ah, right. So, to find poetry, or even poets, who aren't diddling themselves with words, or trying to diddle me... To find the same who write suitably worthy of even reading, let alone memorizing and reciting... A trick, indeed. And, for the most part, exactly why I have done no such thing so far. I have, actually, from time to time, done minor searching. Actually that is what lead mot to haiku, if I didn't jump right in at first. Even that took a bit for me to nerve up to doing. But my stuff sucks, if it's on the right path, in the correct direction, and on topic. Something about never be hailed as a hero at home? So... shut it. If you like my stuff, I am pleased. I'm just not with you. The thing is, haiku isn't something I would memorize. It just doesn't... work like that, for me. I like it, but...
Yeah, but I think I can get the dishes down, and do a bit more cleaning and straightening, for what little it will show, in the living room. At least there will be places to sit and some room to be comfortable. And it will be slightly less... cluttered. Perhaps a bit more in there tomorrow as well. Ugh.
Good night.
Down very late, but up reasonably.
.
.
I am tired though, today. Lungs are better but aches and pains seem to have filled the gap of comfort created by eased lung function and painlessness. I won't swear that pains actually fully go away or become worse, perhaps more one pain is more noticed for some odd reason on one day than on the next. At least I can handle pain well, I think? Without some qualifier it is hard to tell.
I did, while cooking a corned beef, find what can burn me. After having let that steam, essentially, for almost two hours, under a heavy lid, I lifted the lid at just the wrong/right angle to have that steam hit my arm. It was a twenty or twenty four quart pot, so there was some decent steam volume. While it didn't leave an open wound, it did actually burn me. And I tolerated that pain very well. For two days I did note that it hurt. After that I lost track of it. All marks that I even burned a bit, under the skin, are gone. Then again, perhaps I am very highly resistant to burns, which might mean even pain from that. Whatever else, I don't have a way to gauge my pain tolerances. Hmm, there was the time I sliced my finger from hand knuckle to that first big knuckle, severing the meat the whole distance. I never did feel much there, before, during, or after the docs were done playing with it. And there is the time the slide of the pistol I was shooting ripped the hand cheek between the thumb and forefinger apart... actually blew it apart, with a 3" to 4" inch long by 1/2" deep wound, and I was able to stay conscious and drive to town. Damned messy though, those last two. Yeah, probably do have a pretty good pain tolerance. But I do whine with the best of them. Bleh.
I started medication up, first thing. My guess is the meds are going to begin beating me up again. For as much good as they do, and as much as they help in the long run, they sure cause havoc up front. Then again, I was going into troubled territory before I restarted them, so there is that. Oh, hey, that over-sandbagged horse sure could use some extra sandbags, innit? Whatever. I know they have been actually helping, it is the only reason I can go through this with them, on them, for them. I don't even think they will help me live longer. I have a long life yet before me. But they will help me live that life better. Then again, all my life I have lived as if I was going to die tomorrow. Instinctively I knew something was terribly wrong. Now that I think I will live many years... does that mean it's nearly over? No. I'm simply not that lucky. *grins* Oh, just morning blathers.
.
I am tired though, today. Lungs are better but aches and pains seem to have filled the gap of comfort created by eased lung function and painlessness. I won't swear that pains actually fully go away or become worse, perhaps more one pain is more noticed for some odd reason on one day than on the next. At least I can handle pain well, I think? Without some qualifier it is hard to tell.
I did, while cooking a corned beef, find what can burn me. After having let that steam, essentially, for almost two hours, under a heavy lid, I lifted the lid at just the wrong/right angle to have that steam hit my arm. It was a twenty or twenty four quart pot, so there was some decent steam volume. While it didn't leave an open wound, it did actually burn me. And I tolerated that pain very well. For two days I did note that it hurt. After that I lost track of it. All marks that I even burned a bit, under the skin, are gone. Then again, perhaps I am very highly resistant to burns, which might mean even pain from that. Whatever else, I don't have a way to gauge my pain tolerances. Hmm, there was the time I sliced my finger from hand knuckle to that first big knuckle, severing the meat the whole distance. I never did feel much there, before, during, or after the docs were done playing with it. And there is the time the slide of the pistol I was shooting ripped the hand cheek between the thumb and forefinger apart... actually blew it apart, with a 3" to 4" inch long by 1/2" deep wound, and I was able to stay conscious and drive to town. Damned messy though, those last two. Yeah, probably do have a pretty good pain tolerance. But I do whine with the best of them. Bleh.
I started medication up, first thing. My guess is the meds are going to begin beating me up again. For as much good as they do, and as much as they help in the long run, they sure cause havoc up front. Then again, I was going into troubled territory before I restarted them, so there is that. Oh, hey, that over-sandbagged horse sure could use some extra sandbags, innit? Whatever. I know they have been actually helping, it is the only reason I can go through this with them, on them, for them. I don't even think they will help me live longer. I have a long life yet before me. But they will help me live that life better. Then again, all my life I have lived as if I was going to die tomorrow. Instinctively I knew something was terribly wrong. Now that I think I will live many years... does that mean it's nearly over? No. I'm simply not that lucky. *grins* Oh, just morning blathers.
WTHeck?
.
.
First it was, what... stream of consciousness? Yea, or something akin to that. Next, esoteric? I'm almost literally a zombie. Sure, I'm more awake this time. But, really? I can barely get my posts out. Doing 20 dishes and 40 articles of clothes, plus bringing in a couple of lawn hoses is almost a miracle for me to do. While I do attempt to... veil things slightly, at times, just how much can I possibly do that, especially with the stream of consciousness thing? I'm just going to say, I think you are seeing more than what is there. Next you will be accusing me of coding the internet through secret alpha-numeric plain text programming!
Oh, I'm not upset, at all. I think it's all rather cute. It's just, baffling. I honestly see myself as plain as a piece of white bread, not even toasted, no jam, no butter. Poetry to writing, I don't have the capacity for secrets, or the skill to imbue them, mostly. Just... chuckling. I fall into a near coma and people start calling me a closed open door. :p Never to wit. I just hope my dream world will have some fun playing with these notions. Or at least allow me to be a dog, a big one, but with an even bigger crunchy peanutbutter sandwich! *slobber, glob, goo, and munch*
You should have... known me when I was alive. Oh, I most certainly would have tripped your wires. There is no such thing as magic. Who needs it when you understand reality. Truly.
Good night.
Oh, but how about some simple music. Really. It brings me a little bit of joy, and touches on my... difficulties. Danged women is mocking me! Just trying dancing with a recalcitrant shadow... all I'm saying.
.
First it was, what... stream of consciousness? Yea, or something akin to that. Next, esoteric? I'm almost literally a zombie. Sure, I'm more awake this time. But, really? I can barely get my posts out. Doing 20 dishes and 40 articles of clothes, plus bringing in a couple of lawn hoses is almost a miracle for me to do. While I do attempt to... veil things slightly, at times, just how much can I possibly do that, especially with the stream of consciousness thing? I'm just going to say, I think you are seeing more than what is there. Next you will be accusing me of coding the internet through secret alpha-numeric plain text programming!
Oh, I'm not upset, at all. I think it's all rather cute. It's just, baffling. I honestly see myself as plain as a piece of white bread, not even toasted, no jam, no butter. Poetry to writing, I don't have the capacity for secrets, or the skill to imbue them, mostly. Just... chuckling. I fall into a near coma and people start calling me a closed open door. :p Never to wit. I just hope my dream world will have some fun playing with these notions. Or at least allow me to be a dog, a big one, but with an even bigger crunchy peanutbutter sandwich! *slobber, glob, goo, and munch*
You should have... known me when I was alive. Oh, I most certainly would have tripped your wires. There is no such thing as magic. Who needs it when you understand reality. Truly.
Good night.
Oh, but how about some simple music. Really. It brings me a little bit of joy, and touches on my... difficulties. Danged women is mocking me! Just trying dancing with a recalcitrant shadow... all I'm saying.
Still up.
.
.
No worries, at least mostly. I did finish the dishes I had hoped to tend. I gathered dishes, which had gotten a rough wash and soak already, gathered and put in the bin in the tub to be given a final soapy soak. I hope to finish those, and do more laundry, when I wake. I wasn't straining to stay up. The "nap" sort of confused things. I was trying to do more, and to have the kitchen back in order, plus hopefully do a bit more out there. Being Saturday, I have some guests showing today. Only... I just realized today is Friday. No problems, that just gives me a little more time. I hope to do a bit in the living room before they show up.
Yes, knowing people will be coming over... well... it sort of pushes me a bit. Sometimes that push goes nowhere, sometimes it has great affect. This time it has as much affect as it could, if that is somewhat limited. Yes, the living room, dishes, and laundry, when I wake.
Oh, I did figure out why life had gotten smoother. I haven't been taking my medicine. No, this time it wasn't a conscious choice. I simply lost control. I'll be starting those when I wake. Ah well, but the little break has been pleasant. Back into the grind. On the good side, I did take them 11 days straight before falling off that particular horse. I'll reset the med set while I am well enough to do that, as well.
Friday? Really? Wow. Even doing everything I can to track time, day, and date it simply isn't possible, sometimes. I'll take it though, it's like getting a free day in which to try to do more.
Good night.
.
No worries, at least mostly. I did finish the dishes I had hoped to tend. I gathered dishes, which had gotten a rough wash and soak already, gathered and put in the bin in the tub to be given a final soapy soak. I hope to finish those, and do more laundry, when I wake. I wasn't straining to stay up. The "nap" sort of confused things. I was trying to do more, and to have the kitchen back in order, plus hopefully do a bit more out there. Being Saturday, I have some guests showing today. Only... I just realized today is Friday. No problems, that just gives me a little more time. I hope to do a bit in the living room before they show up.
Yes, knowing people will be coming over... well... it sort of pushes me a bit. Sometimes that push goes nowhere, sometimes it has great affect. This time it has as much affect as it could, if that is somewhat limited. Yes, the living room, dishes, and laundry, when I wake.
Oh, I did figure out why life had gotten smoother. I haven't been taking my medicine. No, this time it wasn't a conscious choice. I simply lost control. I'll be starting those when I wake. Ah well, but the little break has been pleasant. Back into the grind. On the good side, I did take them 11 days straight before falling off that particular horse. I'll reset the med set while I am well enough to do that, as well.
Friday? Really? Wow. Even doing everything I can to track time, day, and date it simply isn't possible, sometimes. I'll take it though, it's like getting a free day in which to try to do more.
Good night.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Work as I can.
.
.
Very little, true, but more than I thought. The dishes should be about ready to dry. I was able to get the seven or eight 25 to 50 foot hoses in. Actually it was easier today even though I did more work. I went at it a bit slower, but I think just doing a bit the other day opened something up. I will check the dishes after finishing this post, then try to get a load or two of laundry in, maybe three if I can stay on top of things. Tomorrow? I don't know. More laundry, if I can get it sorted a bit, if nothing else. And, if I can do that, perhaps more in the kitchen. I have been keeping up on cleaning out the cat litter, and as usual, their food. I wish I could tolerate canned food, just open and eat. I have tried it but I become further unable to eat and quickly. I've even become nauseated to the point of degrading health further. The work is small potatoes but it is honestly all I can do, and it is something. A sergeant wife could help, at times, but not in these times.
Once laundry and the kitchen are up to specs, I may try to get the work bench in the garage set up. Putting up the pegboard while I am at it. And then perhaps arranging tools with a starter pegboard kit and arranging my gear out there, either under the work bench, or on the walls, and cleaning out the new shop a bit as well. After that? Back to plumbing. Bleh. But I would sure enjoy having my en suit back in action. Then I could clean up the spare bathroom and have it set for guests and visitors only. Like I have guests, or even visitors really. But... that's not the point.
I do keep tinkering with the heat. If I am a little down, the best thing is to turn the heat up for just a bit. As I wish to slow down in prep for sleep, turning the thermostat down is a simple trick. The thing is to do that in a timely fashion. Heating up is fast, and it works on me quickly, so long as I don't waste too much of the day before deciding to do that. As for cooling down, I need a lot of headroom on that. I need to have the cave cooling for at least five hours in order for that to help me sleep. Too cold, though, and I seem to hit some form of problem wherein sleeping is forgotten. It's tricky. I'll figure it out before long. At least it is making some sort of functional sense, finally. A bit more practice, learning what type of issues I am dealing with so what works, and just winging it a bit, but in a timely fashion, has been helping. Simply, when ill, I couldn't always remember what worked, so every time I got ill I had to try to focus and figure things out all over again. Odd, I doubt if most people have to consider the thermostat at all. They just KNOW when to turn it up or down, mostly. I can program the thermostat, but with even the variables in my sleep now, it just doesn't work out right.
Yes, today has been a good day, with what is given. I am hoping to begin trying to dig out. There is some hope that I might actually be seeing the road to the first glimmers of light. It won't be quick, I don't think, but this little near spill has been remarkable. I simply have never seen the inside of this before, and know why. Now, if health can continue to improve, perhaps I can keep digging. Given the chance, I will put in what I can. I hate that I am limited, even now, but the improvements are amazing. Some of you may not even be able to see the improvements, even with me pointing them out. Catatonia may truly be a thing of the past. That just has me in awe. Not fun, not all peaches and cream, but better. Yes, I think the immense suffering was grandly worth the gains. So far.
Later.
.
Very little, true, but more than I thought. The dishes should be about ready to dry. I was able to get the seven or eight 25 to 50 foot hoses in. Actually it was easier today even though I did more work. I went at it a bit slower, but I think just doing a bit the other day opened something up. I will check the dishes after finishing this post, then try to get a load or two of laundry in, maybe three if I can stay on top of things. Tomorrow? I don't know. More laundry, if I can get it sorted a bit, if nothing else. And, if I can do that, perhaps more in the kitchen. I have been keeping up on cleaning out the cat litter, and as usual, their food. I wish I could tolerate canned food, just open and eat. I have tried it but I become further unable to eat and quickly. I've even become nauseated to the point of degrading health further. The work is small potatoes but it is honestly all I can do, and it is something. A sergeant wife could help, at times, but not in these times.
Once laundry and the kitchen are up to specs, I may try to get the work bench in the garage set up. Putting up the pegboard while I am at it. And then perhaps arranging tools with a starter pegboard kit and arranging my gear out there, either under the work bench, or on the walls, and cleaning out the new shop a bit as well. After that? Back to plumbing. Bleh. But I would sure enjoy having my en suit back in action. Then I could clean up the spare bathroom and have it set for guests and visitors only. Like I have guests, or even visitors really. But... that's not the point.
I do keep tinkering with the heat. If I am a little down, the best thing is to turn the heat up for just a bit. As I wish to slow down in prep for sleep, turning the thermostat down is a simple trick. The thing is to do that in a timely fashion. Heating up is fast, and it works on me quickly, so long as I don't waste too much of the day before deciding to do that. As for cooling down, I need a lot of headroom on that. I need to have the cave cooling for at least five hours in order for that to help me sleep. Too cold, though, and I seem to hit some form of problem wherein sleeping is forgotten. It's tricky. I'll figure it out before long. At least it is making some sort of functional sense, finally. A bit more practice, learning what type of issues I am dealing with so what works, and just winging it a bit, but in a timely fashion, has been helping. Simply, when ill, I couldn't always remember what worked, so every time I got ill I had to try to focus and figure things out all over again. Odd, I doubt if most people have to consider the thermostat at all. They just KNOW when to turn it up or down, mostly. I can program the thermostat, but with even the variables in my sleep now, it just doesn't work out right.
Yes, today has been a good day, with what is given. I am hoping to begin trying to dig out. There is some hope that I might actually be seeing the road to the first glimmers of light. It won't be quick, I don't think, but this little near spill has been remarkable. I simply have never seen the inside of this before, and know why. Now, if health can continue to improve, perhaps I can keep digging. Given the chance, I will put in what I can. I hate that I am limited, even now, but the improvements are amazing. Some of you may not even be able to see the improvements, even with me pointing them out. Catatonia may truly be a thing of the past. That just has me in awe. Not fun, not all peaches and cream, but better. Yes, I think the immense suffering was grandly worth the gains. So far.
Later.
Not bad?
.
.
While sleep was weird last night and lungs still burn a bit, plus general aches, pains, and easy exhaustion... it is better today. Extra sleep, as it turns out, helps. The thing is, I need to avoid sleeping too much. That itself becomes another method of losing track of things. Still, sometimes, a little extra can help. It definitely did in this case.
I set the dishes to a warm fresh rinse soak, and hope to have those knocked out shortly. I will then put the dirty dishes I have made in this last week in for a host soapy soak. But before that I am hoping to get out and finish coiling and storing the lawn and garden hoses. I don't want to lose them under snow and that may be upon us before long at all. Little things, and perhaps a bit of hope for even more. But just a bit of work takes my lungs from a minor coalbed to a red hot flame producing organ in no time. I really am physically troubled right now. I always like to check that, though. And if I find I can get around it, I do. Even so, if I can, I will push things. Today won't be a day to push, but perhaps just doing a bit is pushing.
After I get these little tasks tended I hope to begin sorting camping gear and doing laundry. Actually, if I have a bit extra, I would like to get to a couple of small loads of laundry tonight. I may need a bit of a rest after the hoses. These are long, real rubber, with brass fittings, they weigh a ton. Well, and bending to handle dishes might get me as well. Hmm, I might have a trick that could help there. Sometimes I am not aware enough to simplify.
I best get to the hoses or I will forget. Later.
.
While sleep was weird last night and lungs still burn a bit, plus general aches, pains, and easy exhaustion... it is better today. Extra sleep, as it turns out, helps. The thing is, I need to avoid sleeping too much. That itself becomes another method of losing track of things. Still, sometimes, a little extra can help. It definitely did in this case.
I set the dishes to a warm fresh rinse soak, and hope to have those knocked out shortly. I will then put the dirty dishes I have made in this last week in for a host soapy soak. But before that I am hoping to get out and finish coiling and storing the lawn and garden hoses. I don't want to lose them under snow and that may be upon us before long at all. Little things, and perhaps a bit of hope for even more. But just a bit of work takes my lungs from a minor coalbed to a red hot flame producing organ in no time. I really am physically troubled right now. I always like to check that, though. And if I find I can get around it, I do. Even so, if I can, I will push things. Today won't be a day to push, but perhaps just doing a bit is pushing.
After I get these little tasks tended I hope to begin sorting camping gear and doing laundry. Actually, if I have a bit extra, I would like to get to a couple of small loads of laundry tonight. I may need a bit of a rest after the hoses. These are long, real rubber, with brass fittings, they weigh a ton. Well, and bending to handle dishes might get me as well. Hmm, I might have a trick that could help there. Sometimes I am not aware enough to simplify.
I best get to the hoses or I will forget. Later.
Feminism and the pope.
.
.
It seems the new Pope cannot keep his grip. His public and highly publicized communications with the general public and the Church have been more than a little disturbing. Most likely, he very much means them to be. At a time when enrollment is down and Masses are being abandoned, priests are becoming difficult to find, and monasteries are closing, shuttering their doors, we have a genius who believes that further dislodging the faithful, disheartening the most faithful, is the way to go. I wish him luck with that. For me? Unless he clarifies, strongly, powerfully, in the right direction, I won't disturb his new paradigm.
Oh, I get the notion. I understand, and always have, that the Church is the bride of Christ. That, by definition, would make it at least feminine. What is remiss is that the Church is a bride, and that a Man, Christ, is the LORD of the Church, and groom. Each of those is a significant distinction from what the pope uttered. If he wants to play pattycake with feminism, let him. But he will do so without me. I have a hard enough making it to Mass. To be told I am not welcome doesn't help.
Odd. The Catholic Church was winning. Many conservative Anglicans, Episcopalians, and others were coming to the Church because of the obvious failure of those churches, only now to be greeted by the very humanist secularism that drove them out. It does cause concern. However my faith is untested. It is simply becoming plainly clear that the Catholic Church may be surrendering it's role as the leader of that faith. Slicing dogma, orthodoxy, cultural understandings, theology, and next probably the Eucharist itself thinner and thinner, while in a position to win and lead the rest of Christianity, is pure idiocy. But there we have it. Hey, perhaps next he will suggest we have grape juice and cheese whiz on crackers?
I guess gilded ages lead to suicide, in many forms. And from what I hear, it was American bishops who lead the charge for exactly this sort of pope. So be it. That gilding is already being worn thin to the bare beneath. I hope they enjoy what they have sought. I am done until the church is restored and the pope at least learns his place.
Might I be mistaken? No. Fix it or exclude men from Mass at your peril, sir!
.
It seems the new Pope cannot keep his grip. His public and highly publicized communications with the general public and the Church have been more than a little disturbing. Most likely, he very much means them to be. At a time when enrollment is down and Masses are being abandoned, priests are becoming difficult to find, and monasteries are closing, shuttering their doors, we have a genius who believes that further dislodging the faithful, disheartening the most faithful, is the way to go. I wish him luck with that. For me? Unless he clarifies, strongly, powerfully, in the right direction, I won't disturb his new paradigm.
Oh, I get the notion. I understand, and always have, that the Church is the bride of Christ. That, by definition, would make it at least feminine. What is remiss is that the Church is a bride, and that a Man, Christ, is the LORD of the Church, and groom. Each of those is a significant distinction from what the pope uttered. If he wants to play pattycake with feminism, let him. But he will do so without me. I have a hard enough making it to Mass. To be told I am not welcome doesn't help.
Odd. The Catholic Church was winning. Many conservative Anglicans, Episcopalians, and others were coming to the Church because of the obvious failure of those churches, only now to be greeted by the very humanist secularism that drove them out. It does cause concern. However my faith is untested. It is simply becoming plainly clear that the Catholic Church may be surrendering it's role as the leader of that faith. Slicing dogma, orthodoxy, cultural understandings, theology, and next probably the Eucharist itself thinner and thinner, while in a position to win and lead the rest of Christianity, is pure idiocy. But there we have it. Hey, perhaps next he will suggest we have grape juice and cheese whiz on crackers?
I guess gilded ages lead to suicide, in many forms. And from what I hear, it was American bishops who lead the charge for exactly this sort of pope. So be it. That gilding is already being worn thin to the bare beneath. I hope they enjoy what they have sought. I am done until the church is restored and the pope at least learns his place.
Might I be mistaken? No. Fix it or exclude men from Mass at your peril, sir!
Odd.
.
.
I did make it to bed rather early. I "should" have been to bed by 20:00-20:30 or so but I was just off my game. The time from realizing something is ready and doing it are two different things. So, but 21:30 I did end up in bed. And, actually, that was pretty good. It can take three to five hours, at times, to do what... what I am going to do. Even sleep, no matter how tired, doesn't just happen. I have read that dinosaurs actually had a very slow nervous system. Literally, by the time some dinosaurs, such as the apatosaurus might literally not realize, for example, that their tail was on fire until it was nearly gone. How true that is we will probably never know. But the idea, for now, is understood if on a much more limited basis.
Waking between midnight and 1:00, though, I am actually in really good shape. While the lungs have a deep minor burn to them, the rest of the body is good. Or the painkillers are working really well. Thinking is wonderfully clear. Thoughts have been okay, through this, but not as good as usual. The synapses were simply slower to fire, from pain, possibly from higher doses of natural painkillers, maybe just from the underlying condition. It beats being in a coma like state, but it hasn't been great. For the moment it has returned to normal.
Why? Dunno. I just hope to be able to get back to bed before too long. Sleep deprivation, insomnia, whatever, or whichever it would technically be, really kills me. It increases felt pain, limits my natural ability to biologically medicate, and hurts all by itself. And losing my day schedule really shoots holes in my potential to do daily tasks that might arise. Still, it is nice to wake to a little normalcy.
Actually, I might know what caused it. The heat. I had been, for a while, needing great heat to function a bit. I kept raising the temp in here until I became comfortable. There for a while I needed it to be set at 80. As I acclimated to fall, I was able to shut it down to 76 for a while. Then, finally, 72. It seems 72 is now too hot. The first thing I noticed when I woke was an actual body heat excess. I almost forgot doing it, but the first thing I did, almost unthinkingly, was to turn the furnace down to 66 when I woke. You know, in past illnesses, or even in better health, I would not have remembered doing that. It used to make for a slightly frightening world when I never knew what variables had been altered, or how, and then not understanding that was the problem. Life, for me, is improving. How much room for improvement beyond this is not known.
This song may be disturbing to some. But understand... it is exactly where I am. I am seeing it for the first time, up front and center, loud and hard. You may have seen this before, but I couldn't. And I can't remember. All that whining in the past? I don't remember. Even when I have happened to reread some of it... I was cynical. It couldn't have been that bad, I thought. Docs say people don't remember pain. I guess, in my case, it's true. Anyway, yes... falling, an endless fall... never ending call... I'm losing control... I'm dying alone... repeat, repeat, repeat. That is almost every moment of every day for some weeks now. Like a orbital trajectory around the earth, falling but not falling fast enough to create the burnout of reentry, I just hover... seemingly forever. Such a lonely thing. I will be ready for death like none you will ever meet, especially now that I have found how to stay awake during this time. I just won't be given that grace for some very long time. Might as well look for a wife. Ha!
.
I did make it to bed rather early. I "should" have been to bed by 20:00-20:30 or so but I was just off my game. The time from realizing something is ready and doing it are two different things. So, but 21:30 I did end up in bed. And, actually, that was pretty good. It can take three to five hours, at times, to do what... what I am going to do. Even sleep, no matter how tired, doesn't just happen. I have read that dinosaurs actually had a very slow nervous system. Literally, by the time some dinosaurs, such as the apatosaurus might literally not realize, for example, that their tail was on fire until it was nearly gone. How true that is we will probably never know. But the idea, for now, is understood if on a much more limited basis.
Waking between midnight and 1:00, though, I am actually in really good shape. While the lungs have a deep minor burn to them, the rest of the body is good. Or the painkillers are working really well. Thinking is wonderfully clear. Thoughts have been okay, through this, but not as good as usual. The synapses were simply slower to fire, from pain, possibly from higher doses of natural painkillers, maybe just from the underlying condition. It beats being in a coma like state, but it hasn't been great. For the moment it has returned to normal.
Why? Dunno. I just hope to be able to get back to bed before too long. Sleep deprivation, insomnia, whatever, or whichever it would technically be, really kills me. It increases felt pain, limits my natural ability to biologically medicate, and hurts all by itself. And losing my day schedule really shoots holes in my potential to do daily tasks that might arise. Still, it is nice to wake to a little normalcy.
Actually, I might know what caused it. The heat. I had been, for a while, needing great heat to function a bit. I kept raising the temp in here until I became comfortable. There for a while I needed it to be set at 80. As I acclimated to fall, I was able to shut it down to 76 for a while. Then, finally, 72. It seems 72 is now too hot. The first thing I noticed when I woke was an actual body heat excess. I almost forgot doing it, but the first thing I did, almost unthinkingly, was to turn the furnace down to 66 when I woke. You know, in past illnesses, or even in better health, I would not have remembered doing that. It used to make for a slightly frightening world when I never knew what variables had been altered, or how, and then not understanding that was the problem. Life, for me, is improving. How much room for improvement beyond this is not known.
This song may be disturbing to some. But understand... it is exactly where I am. I am seeing it for the first time, up front and center, loud and hard. You may have seen this before, but I couldn't. And I can't remember. All that whining in the past? I don't remember. Even when I have happened to reread some of it... I was cynical. It couldn't have been that bad, I thought. Docs say people don't remember pain. I guess, in my case, it's true. Anyway, yes... falling, an endless fall... never ending call... I'm losing control... I'm dying alone... repeat, repeat, repeat. That is almost every moment of every day for some weeks now. Like a orbital trajectory around the earth, falling but not falling fast enough to create the burnout of reentry, I just hover... seemingly forever. Such a lonely thing. I will be ready for death like none you will ever meet, especially now that I have found how to stay awake during this time. I just won't be given that grace for some very long time. Might as well look for a wife. Ha!
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
I actually got a bit of it done.
.
.
I reset the dishes to a hot soak. I haven't gotten to them yet, but just putting them to a soak was something. Next, and a bit later, I made it out and began dismantling the timer, hoses, and sprinklers. I did get them taken down, some of them freed from this or that, and all of them disconnected. There was no water in them, which is good. I ran out of air, essentially. That burning in the lungs isn't just a mere sensation. After a bit of work they burned much hotter. Not so bad though. I may be able to get out tomorrow and begin putting hoses up as I can. I have them mostly in one area. I might be able to get them all up. If not I should at least be able to get them all into one small, mostly covered, area.
Not too much else was done. I have been working hard to keep conscious of each moment. It's not an easy thing when the body isn't working as it should. When you have the flu, do you really try to stay aware? Yes, you try to do some things, but if you can kill the pain and go under, most will. This is worse, much worse. I have become healthy enough and strong enough of will to push through though. But it is brutal. I can't do much more, but I seem to be able to make goals, and do small things.
Bedtime might be coming a bit earlier tonight. Good night.
.
I reset the dishes to a hot soak. I haven't gotten to them yet, but just putting them to a soak was something. Next, and a bit later, I made it out and began dismantling the timer, hoses, and sprinklers. I did get them taken down, some of them freed from this or that, and all of them disconnected. There was no water in them, which is good. I ran out of air, essentially. That burning in the lungs isn't just a mere sensation. After a bit of work they burned much hotter. Not so bad though. I may be able to get out tomorrow and begin putting hoses up as I can. I have them mostly in one area. I might be able to get them all up. If not I should at least be able to get them all into one small, mostly covered, area.
Not too much else was done. I have been working hard to keep conscious of each moment. It's not an easy thing when the body isn't working as it should. When you have the flu, do you really try to stay aware? Yes, you try to do some things, but if you can kill the pain and go under, most will. This is worse, much worse. I have become healthy enough and strong enough of will to push through though. But it is brutal. I can't do much more, but I seem to be able to make goals, and do small things.
Bedtime might be coming a bit earlier tonight. Good night.
Paresthesia
.
.
The last few days my lungs have burned. That has improved a bit. I no longer feel as if I am breathing hot, fresh, coals. Today, a new little thing. My upper back, shoulders, and down into my arms, down to the elbow... my skin in those places feel as if I have been in the sun too long. The burn is mild. I researched lungs, then skin, burning sensations, and of all the possibilities, it seems paresthesia is the most likely cause. What is happening is my blood flow, in some areas, is reduced. It is much along the lines of what I suspect causes pain in my organs. I guess I should have suspected that problem could affect skin and lungs this way, as well. And I did, I just wanted to find out more about it. Everything hurts, a bit, it's just the lungs that are the worst. It's like doing wind sprints you can't get over. I DID want to stay conscious.
I am hoping to pull myself together and go mess with the water hoses and such. I'll set the alarm for a couple of hours and... sort of get what I need to go out and do a bit of work. I cooked beans and rice, which will give me something to eat for a bit. And I will try to finish off the last of the old dishes that are rinsing then put any new dirty dishes in for a hot soak, perhaps to be tended tomorrow. No guarantees on any of that, just... goals.
Better, worse, better, worse. Sleep. Wake up. Repeat as necessary. At least I am pretty sure it won't kill me. This will only be worth the effort if being awake for it actually shortens the events. If not, I think I will just let the void take me.
.
The last few days my lungs have burned. That has improved a bit. I no longer feel as if I am breathing hot, fresh, coals. Today, a new little thing. My upper back, shoulders, and down into my arms, down to the elbow... my skin in those places feel as if I have been in the sun too long. The burn is mild. I researched lungs, then skin, burning sensations, and of all the possibilities, it seems paresthesia is the most likely cause. What is happening is my blood flow, in some areas, is reduced. It is much along the lines of what I suspect causes pain in my organs. I guess I should have suspected that problem could affect skin and lungs this way, as well. And I did, I just wanted to find out more about it. Everything hurts, a bit, it's just the lungs that are the worst. It's like doing wind sprints you can't get over. I DID want to stay conscious.
I am hoping to pull myself together and go mess with the water hoses and such. I'll set the alarm for a couple of hours and... sort of get what I need to go out and do a bit of work. I cooked beans and rice, which will give me something to eat for a bit. And I will try to finish off the last of the old dishes that are rinsing then put any new dirty dishes in for a hot soak, perhaps to be tended tomorrow. No guarantees on any of that, just... goals.
Better, worse, better, worse. Sleep. Wake up. Repeat as necessary. At least I am pretty sure it won't kill me. This will only be worth the effort if being awake for it actually shortens the events. If not, I think I will just let the void take me.
So very strange.
.
.
I write as if everything is normal. It's not. I can't explain to you what it is like. There are examples which I think might help explain things so you might understand. Are there any shops you visit often, places where you know where everything is. Perhaps you know the shop owner. Imagine going into the shop when it is closed. You don't know how you got in, you don't know what the rules are. Or perhaps during a surgery you wake up. You feel them tugging. You hear them talking. You have a vague notion of disembodied pains. Hello? I am awake in the back side of my world.
While I am not out of it, I do drift a great deal. Hours can skip by. I didn't realize it was "this week", actually. While that might not seem like an improvement, you just have to trust me. I am mostly conscious most of my waking time. I can remember what I ate for meals, who stopped by, just not keep time and date in order as a system normal thing. While I am still suffering various pains, at various levels, I can do little things and do them when it all comes together. After making it through that initial few days, I am, at least for right now, thinking I can keep consciousness balanced for the longer haul, until I am back on my feet.
Wednesday? Really. I didn't even have an idea of what day it is. I was focusing on other things, getting past some stuff, and trying to do a few things. I am rather limited in how much I can track at once. I see I have an appointment coming up fast. I have it in my phone, with several days advance notice built in. I should check and make sure that is as I want it, maybe add another day to the notice file. This is going to be tricky.
I could not get to sleep last night. I wanted to sleep at 17:00, a nap, but knew that wouldn't work. I didn't realize the time until midnight, and tried to sleep then. An hour or two of tossing and rolling saw me out of the bedroom. I couldn't sleep until about 3:00 or 4:00 or 5:00? I really have no clue. Woke at 13:00, so I am guessing it was 4:00 or 5:00, I seem to sleep closer to eight hours, usually. No guarantee, it's just become a more normal duration. I am feeling better this morning. The lungs still burn, just not as hot fresh embers, but embers that have burned down a bit. Aches and pains seem less fresh and sharp as well. It's getting dry and dull, but it isn't becoming overpowering. I may find the stamina to last, if I don't hit too many hiccups of fresh pains or become too tired from it all generally.
Later.
.
I write as if everything is normal. It's not. I can't explain to you what it is like. There are examples which I think might help explain things so you might understand. Are there any shops you visit often, places where you know where everything is. Perhaps you know the shop owner. Imagine going into the shop when it is closed. You don't know how you got in, you don't know what the rules are. Or perhaps during a surgery you wake up. You feel them tugging. You hear them talking. You have a vague notion of disembodied pains. Hello? I am awake in the back side of my world.
While I am not out of it, I do drift a great deal. Hours can skip by. I didn't realize it was "this week", actually. While that might not seem like an improvement, you just have to trust me. I am mostly conscious most of my waking time. I can remember what I ate for meals, who stopped by, just not keep time and date in order as a system normal thing. While I am still suffering various pains, at various levels, I can do little things and do them when it all comes together. After making it through that initial few days, I am, at least for right now, thinking I can keep consciousness balanced for the longer haul, until I am back on my feet.
Wednesday? Really. I didn't even have an idea of what day it is. I was focusing on other things, getting past some stuff, and trying to do a few things. I am rather limited in how much I can track at once. I see I have an appointment coming up fast. I have it in my phone, with several days advance notice built in. I should check and make sure that is as I want it, maybe add another day to the notice file. This is going to be tricky.
I could not get to sleep last night. I wanted to sleep at 17:00, a nap, but knew that wouldn't work. I didn't realize the time until midnight, and tried to sleep then. An hour or two of tossing and rolling saw me out of the bedroom. I couldn't sleep until about 3:00 or 4:00 or 5:00? I really have no clue. Woke at 13:00, so I am guessing it was 4:00 or 5:00, I seem to sleep closer to eight hours, usually. No guarantee, it's just become a more normal duration. I am feeling better this morning. The lungs still burn, just not as hot fresh embers, but embers that have burned down a bit. Aches and pains seem less fresh and sharp as well. It's getting dry and dull, but it isn't becoming overpowering. I may find the stamina to last, if I don't hit too many hiccups of fresh pains or become too tired from it all generally.
Later.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Rough, true.
.
.
I looked up burning lungs, since that has been sticking around. Of the options, the one that sticks out, for me, is reduced blood flow. Fluid can do it, but I have no other signs of it. Further, I have never had that particular problem, even when fluid backing up into my lungs has been the problem.
Today has been good, for a terrible day. I am staying aware and awake. Naps would help, possibly. But today, by the time I thought of it, or at least prepared to go to it, it was far too late. A nap in the late afternoon would guarantee at least a few days of scheduling problems. I am going to try to keep to days. I might not get much else done, then again I don't think I would in any case. I might not be able to keep on days. Simply, I am going to try.
Tomorrow? I want to check the hoses and such. I need to make sure it is all empty, roll the hoses, and bring in the other pieces. Other than that, not much. If I can do that, I might do a few other things tomorrow, or the next day. Planning things might or might not help to actually accomplish anything, but it helps my mind. The goal is to set the some alarms for a specific time, delay a bit if need be, but to try to get to a few things. I'll know more in a few days.
Being that I wasn't able to grow the peppers I had hoped raise, I went looking for hot pepper sauces. I found what looked like good sauce. A bottle of habanero, scotch bonnet, and ghost pepper sauces. I ordered just enough to try. That stuff just adds spunk to my meals once in a while. Making it at home is rather expensive, when buying peppers, more expensive than buying the sauce to be sure. The question is whether it will be hot enough while also not tasting like chemicals. If they have added, or too much, capsaicin it will taste artificial. I'll let you know what I think. If not these types, I ordered several brands, I may keep searching. Yes, I may still try to do a garden next year. But that doesn't help me this winter.
Hmm, bedtime.
.
I looked up burning lungs, since that has been sticking around. Of the options, the one that sticks out, for me, is reduced blood flow. Fluid can do it, but I have no other signs of it. Further, I have never had that particular problem, even when fluid backing up into my lungs has been the problem.
Today has been good, for a terrible day. I am staying aware and awake. Naps would help, possibly. But today, by the time I thought of it, or at least prepared to go to it, it was far too late. A nap in the late afternoon would guarantee at least a few days of scheduling problems. I am going to try to keep to days. I might not get much else done, then again I don't think I would in any case. I might not be able to keep on days. Simply, I am going to try.
Tomorrow? I want to check the hoses and such. I need to make sure it is all empty, roll the hoses, and bring in the other pieces. Other than that, not much. If I can do that, I might do a few other things tomorrow, or the next day. Planning things might or might not help to actually accomplish anything, but it helps my mind. The goal is to set the some alarms for a specific time, delay a bit if need be, but to try to get to a few things. I'll know more in a few days.
Being that I wasn't able to grow the peppers I had hoped raise, I went looking for hot pepper sauces. I found what looked like good sauce. A bottle of habanero, scotch bonnet, and ghost pepper sauces. I ordered just enough to try. That stuff just adds spunk to my meals once in a while. Making it at home is rather expensive, when buying peppers, more expensive than buying the sauce to be sure. The question is whether it will be hot enough while also not tasting like chemicals. If they have added, or too much, capsaicin it will taste artificial. I'll let you know what I think. If not these types, I ordered several brands, I may keep searching. Yes, I may still try to do a garden next year. But that doesn't help me this winter.
Hmm, bedtime.
Haiku Monday - Bear/Bare
.
.
Rafael is up with theme and notations. Quite the thing, more so for some of us suffering from associated notions most recently. Some suffering, however, is quite sweeter than other suffering, mind you. Just a little suffering? Father heard. Never the worry. Yes, yes, I put a few up instantly. And yet, I hope to... square this circle more... directly. It is easy to go base. But some things are important enough to work into the sublime. For me, this is one of those. Blessings should be treated honorably, to my mind.
.
Rafael is up with theme and notations. Quite the thing, more so for some of us suffering from associated notions most recently. Some suffering, however, is quite sweeter than other suffering, mind you. Just a little suffering? Father heard. Never the worry. Yes, yes, I put a few up instantly. And yet, I hope to... square this circle more... directly. It is easy to go base. But some things are important enough to work into the sublime. For me, this is one of those. Blessings should be treated honorably, to my mind.
clothed in cloth ~ naked
in spirit ~ walk as Adam -
dressed in splendor
-------------------
in spirit ~ walk as Adam -
dressed in splendor
-------------------
bare or draped, the body
is of flesh - scent and form all -
see through the nonsense
-------------------
see through the nonsense
-------------------
all the children wear,
truly, is an ego mask
naked to seers
naked to seers
-------------------
nudity nixed
if truly mine always free
need not eyes to see
-------------------
Almost a grin.
.
.
Have you ever suffered greatly for a bit? I don't know if I am unique in this. As time has gone on, and I have learned to surf, catching the waves and mastering them, between times of great effort and concentration I have found myself chuckling at the experience. Small chuckles, even those can hurt a bit.
I am doing well yet today. The pain is always here, but intensity does come like waves. Most of the flu-like symptoms have been absent today, just the lung burn and heavy chest, and upper leg muscles today. I wonder if it will be something new and wonderfully distressing each day, or if things will settle on some common set of complaints. I've never been here before, I honestly don't know what to expect. So far it is the burning lungs that have surprised me the most. I don't remember ever going through that. I do remember, from time to time, having my innards revolt. And I remember strains on skeleton and muscle, varying greatly from this to that part, with no specific part of my anatomy ever being a focus of pain for long. I didn't realize how seriously painful it all got though.
Still... there is humor in there. More so if I stub my toe and don't even feel it. Yeah, dark humor maybe. But it tickles the mind when I realize the potential for... mischief... with this much pain relief going on. Firewalking, anyone? Bed of nails? Wee! :p Perhaps, as well, my mind gets bored of annoyance. Perhaps, while the bio-chemists in my body are at it, they produce a little 'happy juice' of some sort or other. I don't know. It has tiptoed up to delicious delirium, if I haven't crossed the line. Have you ever had a fever for long enough that... it became a pleasure of sorts? Perhaps I am just different, but that is how things are today.
I might not get to much. Work just isn't really possible. I am not tired so much as weak and sore. Still, I am going to keep the notion of doing work open for when such windows might present themselves. This is a new world for me. I'm not sure what to expect from it, or in it. I am, however, greatly hoping that being conscious through it might give me an opportunity to shorten the fall. I don't think I could keep this up for months. Another week or two, if that.
A nap, I think. Just a short one. Those might help. Later.
.
Have you ever suffered greatly for a bit? I don't know if I am unique in this. As time has gone on, and I have learned to surf, catching the waves and mastering them, between times of great effort and concentration I have found myself chuckling at the experience. Small chuckles, even those can hurt a bit.
I am doing well yet today. The pain is always here, but intensity does come like waves. Most of the flu-like symptoms have been absent today, just the lung burn and heavy chest, and upper leg muscles today. I wonder if it will be something new and wonderfully distressing each day, or if things will settle on some common set of complaints. I've never been here before, I honestly don't know what to expect. So far it is the burning lungs that have surprised me the most. I don't remember ever going through that. I do remember, from time to time, having my innards revolt. And I remember strains on skeleton and muscle, varying greatly from this to that part, with no specific part of my anatomy ever being a focus of pain for long. I didn't realize how seriously painful it all got though.
Still... there is humor in there. More so if I stub my toe and don't even feel it. Yeah, dark humor maybe. But it tickles the mind when I realize the potential for... mischief... with this much pain relief going on. Firewalking, anyone? Bed of nails? Wee! :p Perhaps, as well, my mind gets bored of annoyance. Perhaps, while the bio-chemists in my body are at it, they produce a little 'happy juice' of some sort or other. I don't know. It has tiptoed up to delicious delirium, if I haven't crossed the line. Have you ever had a fever for long enough that... it became a pleasure of sorts? Perhaps I am just different, but that is how things are today.
I might not get to much. Work just isn't really possible. I am not tired so much as weak and sore. Still, I am going to keep the notion of doing work open for when such windows might present themselves. This is a new world for me. I'm not sure what to expect from it, or in it. I am, however, greatly hoping that being conscious through it might give me an opportunity to shorten the fall. I don't think I could keep this up for months. Another week or two, if that.
A nap, I think. Just a short one. Those might help. Later.
Such an odd place in health and life.
.
.
I think I have the hang of things. The pain can be intense at times. It is the lungs again today. They truly burn. What does that mean, you ask. If you have ever done wind sprints, over and over, until you can't do them anymore, you know what I mean. My lungs give off a sense of a literal burning when I breath. It started out doing so only when I would take a larger breath, when yawning or such. Now there is a burning sensation all of the time, even should I hold my breath. Hmm, another way to think of it is, if you have had heartburn, place that feeling in your lungs, exacerbated by breathing. As well, my upper chest cavity is very sore, a new thing for the day. It feels stretched, as if from fluid. It's not that, I've had it before. That always starts in the lower lung area of the mid-chest and works upward as it gets worse, and sometimes downward, plus my feet swell when that starts. Skinny feet means no water buildup.
The good side is I think I may be seeing myself to being able to maintain consciousness. I don't think I will be blanking out, not soon anyway. I seem to be handling the pains and weakness much better. My consciousness seems to be very strong this morning. Then again, my ability seems to fluctuate. Sometimes, for hours at a time, it all seems absolutely insufferable. Actually most of yesterday and a good part of the day before was like that. Other times, like this morning so far, life seems really happily miserable. I feel good through feeling really bad.
I suspect my native pharmacological processes have much to do with that. It just put a load of pain reducing chemicals into my system. Even so, I have to admit, this is much more pain than I usually feel. Without a clouded mind to go with that dsoing, this hurts a lot. Ah, but my organs, for the moment, seem settled. No twisting in there, no weird jabs at odd places in my internals, no flames or seeming globs of somehow pulled vitals. That will be back later today, I all but guarantee it. For now, though... I'll take what I can get.
Yes, I will probably be whining until my corpse finds it's way back to a better way. It's all I have. I wouldn't take actual pain killers, if a doctor offered them. That is what I am trying to get away from. I'm not sure what they could do to help. Cheer? Doctors can't help because I doubt if they even know what this is all about. No, I will just have to suffer through this, awake and hurting. Next time I go in, I will let them know what this was like, and see if they know about it. Then again, even if I thought they could help, I doubt if I could get to them. I can write, and for the moment think, but any serious walking or driving is out. Stuck, I am.
At least my morning is good, or better I should say. Later.
.
I think I have the hang of things. The pain can be intense at times. It is the lungs again today. They truly burn. What does that mean, you ask. If you have ever done wind sprints, over and over, until you can't do them anymore, you know what I mean. My lungs give off a sense of a literal burning when I breath. It started out doing so only when I would take a larger breath, when yawning or such. Now there is a burning sensation all of the time, even should I hold my breath. Hmm, another way to think of it is, if you have had heartburn, place that feeling in your lungs, exacerbated by breathing. As well, my upper chest cavity is very sore, a new thing for the day. It feels stretched, as if from fluid. It's not that, I've had it before. That always starts in the lower lung area of the mid-chest and works upward as it gets worse, and sometimes downward, plus my feet swell when that starts. Skinny feet means no water buildup.
I suspect my native pharmacological processes have much to do with that. It just put a load of pain reducing chemicals into my system. Even so, I have to admit, this is much more pain than I usually feel. Without a clouded mind to go with that dsoing, this hurts a lot. Ah, but my organs, for the moment, seem settled. No twisting in there, no weird jabs at odd places in my internals, no flames or seeming globs of somehow pulled vitals. That will be back later today, I all but guarantee it. For now, though... I'll take what I can get.
Yes, I will probably be whining until my corpse finds it's way back to a better way. It's all I have. I wouldn't take actual pain killers, if a doctor offered them. That is what I am trying to get away from. I'm not sure what they could do to help. Cheer? Doctors can't help because I doubt if they even know what this is all about. No, I will just have to suffer through this, awake and hurting. Next time I go in, I will let them know what this was like, and see if they know about it. Then again, even if I thought they could help, I doubt if I could get to them. I can write, and for the moment think, but any serious walking or driving is out. Stuck, I am.
At least my morning is good, or better I should say. Later.
I don't think some understand.
.
.
When I discuss losing control, it isn't losing control of my... skills, or potential skills. If I had seen that as a real potential I would have... put an end to the threat long ago. As it turns out, that part doesn't go out of control. It is trained, directed, and with very specific protocols. No less a trucker forgetting how to drive safely, a boxer knowing where to and not to fight, a good lawyer knowing when to shut up and when to talk, if I am anything like what I suspect, I was professional. Unless you have worked with a serious professional, of one sort or other, you simply do not understand. It is ingrained.
No, what control I am losing is, potentially, simply my ability to be awake and aware. I have been holding on, just at times. It is painful to stay aware, much more painful than what I thought it would be. I thought... the pain was existential. Until this time around, or at least in my overall memory. Perhaps I have written about being in pain, but I don't remember. And I don't like going back to read some parts of my diary. I didn't realize there was physical pain. Aches, burning and flushing, burning and sore lungs today mostly, muscle aches and weakness as well, and general if milder g.i. discomfort. It is no small pain, either. This hurts, a lot, even with my body putting out stuff to counter the pains.
I was asked about it, so I decided to clarify. And, as to my service? You know as much as I do, effectively. I do and then don't believe a word of it. I don't want to believe, mostly, save to deal with it when I have no choice. Mostly I can keep those notions locked in disbelief. Yes, I have been treated for it, was tested, harshly, to even be allowed to be treated. They didn't want to serve me on the matter. What does that mean? I don't know that, either. Just don't try and poke me in the eye with a sharp stick and we will be as square as can be. Even if you push that line? I won't lose control. What I do to an attacker will be as professional as a shark bite. Absolutely nothing personal, quite precise, and with all the power God gives such creatures. I might even remember. Chaos lives in such moments, the variables are immense. But so does law, and even God. God is no slouch when it comes to violence, bite your lip on such notions. But it won't be an accident, nor incorrect. Fair enough?
Now, if you would rather keep your distance? That is fine by me. I understand. It has taken 25 years for me to try to face this in myself my own self. Being in this much pain, being close enough to smell my own death, being unable to care for myself... all of it is terrifying. I can only imagine what it must look like from the outside. I'll live. I've done this on my own, and far worse, many many times. Go away for a month or three. I should be better by then.
.
When I discuss losing control, it isn't losing control of my... skills, or potential skills. If I had seen that as a real potential I would have... put an end to the threat long ago. As it turns out, that part doesn't go out of control. It is trained, directed, and with very specific protocols. No less a trucker forgetting how to drive safely, a boxer knowing where to and not to fight, a good lawyer knowing when to shut up and when to talk, if I am anything like what I suspect, I was professional. Unless you have worked with a serious professional, of one sort or other, you simply do not understand. It is ingrained.
No, what control I am losing is, potentially, simply my ability to be awake and aware. I have been holding on, just at times. It is painful to stay aware, much more painful than what I thought it would be. I thought... the pain was existential. Until this time around, or at least in my overall memory. Perhaps I have written about being in pain, but I don't remember. And I don't like going back to read some parts of my diary. I didn't realize there was physical pain. Aches, burning and flushing, burning and sore lungs today mostly, muscle aches and weakness as well, and general if milder g.i. discomfort. It is no small pain, either. This hurts, a lot, even with my body putting out stuff to counter the pains.
I was asked about it, so I decided to clarify. And, as to my service? You know as much as I do, effectively. I do and then don't believe a word of it. I don't want to believe, mostly, save to deal with it when I have no choice. Mostly I can keep those notions locked in disbelief. Yes, I have been treated for it, was tested, harshly, to even be allowed to be treated. They didn't want to serve me on the matter. What does that mean? I don't know that, either. Just don't try and poke me in the eye with a sharp stick and we will be as square as can be. Even if you push that line? I won't lose control. What I do to an attacker will be as professional as a shark bite. Absolutely nothing personal, quite precise, and with all the power God gives such creatures. I might even remember. Chaos lives in such moments, the variables are immense. But so does law, and even God. God is no slouch when it comes to violence, bite your lip on such notions. But it won't be an accident, nor incorrect. Fair enough?
Now, if you would rather keep your distance? That is fine by me. I understand. It has taken 25 years for me to try to face this in myself my own self. Being in this much pain, being close enough to smell my own death, being unable to care for myself... all of it is terrifying. I can only imagine what it must look like from the outside. I'll live. I've done this on my own, and far worse, many many times. Go away for a month or three. I should be better by then.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Odd and odder.
.
.
My dreams of late have just become odd. Last night I had some very odd notions going on. They were so complicated I couldn't quite remember them. It seemed, however, during the night, that I believed them to be important. In one case I dreamed the material again, but in a different, easier to remember form. Then promptly forgot even that form. If you have ever done calculus, imagine having that explained for the first time while you are mostly asleep and quite ill. It just wouldn't stick. Yes, my dreams have been similar in complexity, at least the basic idea of a simpler calculus problem, so not all that bad really. Just enough to be too much to remember.
I had trash set to go but couldn't get it out last night. Again, I ended up crawling to bed, this time quite a bit later. I was neither really awake or truly asleep when I went to bed. It was late when I went to bed, but not because of anything other than I completely lost track of everything. I have been taking my medicines, including insulin. I haven't been eating anything I shouldn't. So I was extremely surprised this morning to see my blood sugar had jumped to 258 or so. As I suggested, when I am doing poorly, I think my body simply doesn't function as it should. Rice and tuna, a small serving of spaghetti, cheese and salami, that is what I have eaten in the last three to four days. Not a sip of anything, no sweets, not even the apple sauce brought for dinner. I reserved that for today, as a snack.
Having organs giving me fits would explain the illness, the flu like symptoms. It also explains the blood sugar, if those organs simply don't do what they should. As I suggested, I don't have diabetes so much as temporary organ failure. Why should heart medicine do that? By decreasing my heart function so as to give it a break, my heart can't put out the blood to those organs. Then again, this happens on it's own once in a while, which is why I used to go down so very often, and why my blood pressure averaged 180/120 for 12 years before they... figured things out, and goes even higher now when left untreated for a while. My blood sugar can jump to beyond the range of the blood sugar tester here at home, as well... meaning over 650-700. My body is demanding blood. When it can't get it, things fail. So far nothing fatal, and I am now improving. But I am still a very ill little boy.
I am feeling a bit tired but a bit better today. I will need a few days of rest, at least, after pushing the other day. While I didn't get the trash out last night, I just couldn't and couldn't remember to boot, I did take it out this morning. Hopefully I took it out in time. I did make fresh rice last night, enough for several meals. Just a bit of hamburger, or tuna, or almost anything, with short brown rice, makes for a good meal. I don't really care for beans and rice, but when hungry enough even that will do. Sure, it is said to provide full proteins, the problem is that it doesn't taste like it. I may have to experiment with that because even using top shelf beans and rice is cheap. Hmm.... MSG might help in this department.
I did do a bit of research regarding MSG, after posting that article. I, as well, had heard it was bad. I, on the other hand, had fully ignored the warnings. I even bought it at one time. I didn't know how to use it, however, so never really... got my MSG mojo on. As it turns out, MSG is a naturally substance in some things, including soy sauce, tomato paste, and anchovies, for a few examples. So cooking with additional MSG in some foods is not necessarily going to help. Much like adding salt to anchovies is probably not, for most tastes, a wise application. Further, MSG increases perceived saltiness, making soy sauce, an already salty additive, even saltier tasting. Again, not the best application of dining design. However, Tex-Mex seems to lend itself well to the use of MSG. So much so that, beside oriental grocers, Mexican grocers are another place to buy MSG in a very inexpensive manner. MSG is, and is supposed to be, cheap, unlike what some will try to tell, and sell, you.
Anyway... if I can get my liver, kidneys, and such to work again, or at least when they do, my mind will be ready for a bit of work. I am suffering through these things, but at least they truly are, very literally and up front, beginning to make sense. I understand what the painkillers my body creates are for. I also understand why my mind has traditionally run away. There is nothing like the feeling that Salvador Dali has redesigned your innards. Being awake through that is too much, for most, certainly for me. Especially since, for most of the time, I was told that was all in my head. Oh, you want to know what it feels like, eh? Hmm. Buy a large belt, one that will cover your whole lower abdomen, then cinch it down as tight as it will go. Now get someone else to cinch it down two or three sizes too tight. Now... do abdominal exercises until a couple of those organs seem displaced, twisted, bruised. There ya go. That part hasn't improved, but the painkillers seem to have kicked in and I haven't dropped down the dark hole. In these moments, some times are better than others, but blood sugar has rocketed skyward. I don't know if staying aware is better, but at least I am seeing what I have been missing all these years. Weird.
Yeah! I got the trash out in time. It has been taken and I have room for more! My double grinder is in, and some other stuff I ordered, including more of those Desert Cat hooded long sleeve shirts. Those are thick enough, and with long sleeves especially, warm enough for winter use by me. I don't know how he could wear those in the summer. I will try next year, maybe there is something to that. I tried one, and it worked so well I got more. They don't have them in tall, but while the double extra large make them rather baggy it also gives them some added length, and extra material, so that I can, mostly, tuck them into pants.
Hmm... later.
.
My dreams of late have just become odd. Last night I had some very odd notions going on. They were so complicated I couldn't quite remember them. It seemed, however, during the night, that I believed them to be important. In one case I dreamed the material again, but in a different, easier to remember form. Then promptly forgot even that form. If you have ever done calculus, imagine having that explained for the first time while you are mostly asleep and quite ill. It just wouldn't stick. Yes, my dreams have been similar in complexity, at least the basic idea of a simpler calculus problem, so not all that bad really. Just enough to be too much to remember.
I had trash set to go but couldn't get it out last night. Again, I ended up crawling to bed, this time quite a bit later. I was neither really awake or truly asleep when I went to bed. It was late when I went to bed, but not because of anything other than I completely lost track of everything. I have been taking my medicines, including insulin. I haven't been eating anything I shouldn't. So I was extremely surprised this morning to see my blood sugar had jumped to 258 or so. As I suggested, when I am doing poorly, I think my body simply doesn't function as it should. Rice and tuna, a small serving of spaghetti, cheese and salami, that is what I have eaten in the last three to four days. Not a sip of anything, no sweets, not even the apple sauce brought for dinner. I reserved that for today, as a snack.
Having organs giving me fits would explain the illness, the flu like symptoms. It also explains the blood sugar, if those organs simply don't do what they should. As I suggested, I don't have diabetes so much as temporary organ failure. Why should heart medicine do that? By decreasing my heart function so as to give it a break, my heart can't put out the blood to those organs. Then again, this happens on it's own once in a while, which is why I used to go down so very often, and why my blood pressure averaged 180/120 for 12 years before they... figured things out, and goes even higher now when left untreated for a while. My blood sugar can jump to beyond the range of the blood sugar tester here at home, as well... meaning over 650-700. My body is demanding blood. When it can't get it, things fail. So far nothing fatal, and I am now improving. But I am still a very ill little boy.
I am feeling a bit tired but a bit better today. I will need a few days of rest, at least, after pushing the other day. While I didn't get the trash out last night, I just couldn't and couldn't remember to boot, I did take it out this morning. Hopefully I took it out in time. I did make fresh rice last night, enough for several meals. Just a bit of hamburger, or tuna, or almost anything, with short brown rice, makes for a good meal. I don't really care for beans and rice, but when hungry enough even that will do. Sure, it is said to provide full proteins, the problem is that it doesn't taste like it. I may have to experiment with that because even using top shelf beans and rice is cheap. Hmm.... MSG might help in this department.
I did do a bit of research regarding MSG, after posting that article. I, as well, had heard it was bad. I, on the other hand, had fully ignored the warnings. I even bought it at one time. I didn't know how to use it, however, so never really... got my MSG mojo on. As it turns out, MSG is a naturally substance in some things, including soy sauce, tomato paste, and anchovies, for a few examples. So cooking with additional MSG in some foods is not necessarily going to help. Much like adding salt to anchovies is probably not, for most tastes, a wise application. Further, MSG increases perceived saltiness, making soy sauce, an already salty additive, even saltier tasting. Again, not the best application of dining design. However, Tex-Mex seems to lend itself well to the use of MSG. So much so that, beside oriental grocers, Mexican grocers are another place to buy MSG in a very inexpensive manner. MSG is, and is supposed to be, cheap, unlike what some will try to tell, and sell, you.
Anyway... if I can get my liver, kidneys, and such to work again, or at least when they do, my mind will be ready for a bit of work. I am suffering through these things, but at least they truly are, very literally and up front, beginning to make sense. I understand what the painkillers my body creates are for. I also understand why my mind has traditionally run away. There is nothing like the feeling that Salvador Dali has redesigned your innards. Being awake through that is too much, for most, certainly for me. Especially since, for most of the time, I was told that was all in my head. Oh, you want to know what it feels like, eh? Hmm. Buy a large belt, one that will cover your whole lower abdomen, then cinch it down as tight as it will go. Now get someone else to cinch it down two or three sizes too tight. Now... do abdominal exercises until a couple of those organs seem displaced, twisted, bruised. There ya go. That part hasn't improved, but the painkillers seem to have kicked in and I haven't dropped down the dark hole. In these moments, some times are better than others, but blood sugar has rocketed skyward. I don't know if staying aware is better, but at least I am seeing what I have been missing all these years. Weird.
Yeah! I got the trash out in time. It has been taken and I have room for more! My double grinder is in, and some other stuff I ordered, including more of those Desert Cat hooded long sleeve shirts. Those are thick enough, and with long sleeves especially, warm enough for winter use by me. I don't know how he could wear those in the summer. I will try next year, maybe there is something to that. I tried one, and it worked so well I got more. They don't have them in tall, but while the double extra large make them rather baggy it also gives them some added length, and extra material, so that I can, mostly, tuck them into pants.
Hmm... later.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Feeling just a little better.
.
.
I won't say I feel great. It feels a lot like the flu, only it's not. I've had that, and this, often enough to know the difference. This is... something where my body has trouble functioning rightly. Usually I am nearly in a coma type deal for this. I think it is a huge improvement that I am aware, if I am not sure all improvements in function are an improvement in feel? My mind is back to the better parts of this latest down cycle, but only for the last bit of this day. The flu-like symptoms have eased. Most of the day has been rather rough so I will take what improvement I can get.
I am hoping to figure some things out, even if feeling up to it like now is only a rare occurrence. Not this time, mind you. I didn't realize I might have better moments. This little window is being used to plan other things. I have been keeping up on my use of the kitchen. But I would like to go a bit further. Perhaps mopping, and using the steam vac on the big rugs, but more importantly cooking a bit and keeping on top of cleanliness. Nothing fancy, for now. Perhaps a couple of meals a week, that I can mix and match so as not to get bored with the food, and staying on top of the dishes.
I would like to do more. Most of my equipment is here to set up a shop in the garage. I may even have enough wood stock to do that, requiring plywood and 2x4's. Having a bench, a solid large vice, and a bench grinder in operation would make some tasks much easier. And, of course, I would love to figure out the plumbing in my preferred bathroom. Hmm, and before any of those things, taking care of the water hoses and such, bringing that in before we get a hard freeze. Yeah... Things to do. It wears me out just thinking about it all, but... If I get a window of opportunity again as I weather this storm I will try to use it.
I beat my body up doing prep work and the little work I did yesterday. Just as when you have the flu, pulling muscles strained by weakness is very easy. I have done so. My legs, from doing dishes, are pulled, essentially. I did go over what I could, should, do. I am happy with the results, I just can't do that again for a bit. Yea, it is rough being mostly dead. Especially when you are trying to stay conscious through the worst parts of it. Still, I'm not complaining. This suffering is better than being nearly comatose. I... I think. I'll know more in time.
.
I won't say I feel great. It feels a lot like the flu, only it's not. I've had that, and this, often enough to know the difference. This is... something where my body has trouble functioning rightly. Usually I am nearly in a coma type deal for this. I think it is a huge improvement that I am aware, if I am not sure all improvements in function are an improvement in feel? My mind is back to the better parts of this latest down cycle, but only for the last bit of this day. The flu-like symptoms have eased. Most of the day has been rather rough so I will take what improvement I can get.
I am hoping to figure some things out, even if feeling up to it like now is only a rare occurrence. Not this time, mind you. I didn't realize I might have better moments. This little window is being used to plan other things. I have been keeping up on my use of the kitchen. But I would like to go a bit further. Perhaps mopping, and using the steam vac on the big rugs, but more importantly cooking a bit and keeping on top of cleanliness. Nothing fancy, for now. Perhaps a couple of meals a week, that I can mix and match so as not to get bored with the food, and staying on top of the dishes.
I would like to do more. Most of my equipment is here to set up a shop in the garage. I may even have enough wood stock to do that, requiring plywood and 2x4's. Having a bench, a solid large vice, and a bench grinder in operation would make some tasks much easier. And, of course, I would love to figure out the plumbing in my preferred bathroom. Hmm, and before any of those things, taking care of the water hoses and such, bringing that in before we get a hard freeze. Yeah... Things to do. It wears me out just thinking about it all, but... If I get a window of opportunity again as I weather this storm I will try to use it.
I beat my body up doing prep work and the little work I did yesterday. Just as when you have the flu, pulling muscles strained by weakness is very easy. I have done so. My legs, from doing dishes, are pulled, essentially. I did go over what I could, should, do. I am happy with the results, I just can't do that again for a bit. Yea, it is rough being mostly dead. Especially when you are trying to stay conscious through the worst parts of it. Still, I'm not complaining. This suffering is better than being nearly comatose. I... I think. I'll know more in time.
Brutal night.
.
.
I stayed awake until somewhere between 17:00 and 18:00. I have no idea what time I made it to bed. I crawled into that room. I remember little, only that just getting to my bed was a struggle. Dreams, some of women but not sexual this time. Think of the idea of women, as painted by Picasso or someone like him. While I tease that women are difficult to understand, I fib. The difficulty lies not with understanding, but with wanting to psychologically go to where understanding may be found. It is their aspect that is alien, how their bodies work and what they want and how they get those things to function in the world. This, to men, is alien. It is a fish to a bison, a bike to an airplane, the moon to the sun. There are similarities and differences. Other dreams were had, of various difficult to broach topics and ideas. It was a tough night.
Beyond the odd dreams I woke at 20:00-21:00. I was able to get back to sleep, but then woke at 22:00-23:00 and could not go back to sleep. I was suffering, greatly, from a need for sleep. The natural painkillers kicked in but not happily. Sometimes, usually, when those work, I can sense the pain but not feel it. Further, they have no side effects. In this case, though, the side effects were plainly, horribly, evident. As well, the pain leaked through. Not all of it. Just enough that the suffering was great. Much like when you take artificial, man-made, painkillers, you can have all sorts of side effects, from an general uneasiness, upset stomach, and such. I had those, and flushes. A rough night indeed. Usually, even in the depths of my various sufferings, I am still happy to be alive. Last night was not a usual night. Last night life hurt. It hurt hard. While I will never be suicidal again, it seems there are still times where I will pray for release. Cursed, at times, with a mild form of immortality. I cannot die, not... yet.
Finally able to get back to bed I slept well and long. I could not wake, as morning rolled around. At 4:00, then 6:00, then 8:00 rolled around, I could not, as I usually do, just wake and pop out of bed. Well, perhaps it was 8:00 or 9:00 when I finally did wake. I was still suffering, if in a milder way, the side effects of the natural painkillers my body releases when I go over some edges. Flushes, mild stomach upset, who knows what all. At 15:00, I am quite tired. I never did wake up fully, not today. And I won't. At this point I am looking at falling into the darkness again, and soon. Fighting it as I may, I am definitely on the downhill slope of the day. That trajectory is steep. The goal is to make it to at least 17:00, maybe 18:00. But my problem may have been that I pushed too far beyond the trajectory yesterday, after working even the little bit I did. Care must be given or I will sink into that void too hard.
I am fighting it. I am trying to keep the pain, nausea, and flushes at bay. I am looking at distractions. I am thinking on better times and things. I won't just give up, if I may end up overwhelmed, at times, for short periods of time. But I will work at it when and while I can. I don't want to go down that darkness, but now I know why I did. It is much harder to be aware of this... sickness. I understand why my other side closed me off to this. I also understand why that part of me is so wickedly powerful, and... brutal. Still, I would like to take some of that back, as I can.
My eyelids are burning. Literally. Yes, I have stayed awake through the suffering like never before.
Later, I hope.
.
I stayed awake until somewhere between 17:00 and 18:00. I have no idea what time I made it to bed. I crawled into that room. I remember little, only that just getting to my bed was a struggle. Dreams, some of women but not sexual this time. Think of the idea of women, as painted by Picasso or someone like him. While I tease that women are difficult to understand, I fib. The difficulty lies not with understanding, but with wanting to psychologically go to where understanding may be found. It is their aspect that is alien, how their bodies work and what they want and how they get those things to function in the world. This, to men, is alien. It is a fish to a bison, a bike to an airplane, the moon to the sun. There are similarities and differences. Other dreams were had, of various difficult to broach topics and ideas. It was a tough night.
Beyond the odd dreams I woke at 20:00-21:00. I was able to get back to sleep, but then woke at 22:00-23:00 and could not go back to sleep. I was suffering, greatly, from a need for sleep. The natural painkillers kicked in but not happily. Sometimes, usually, when those work, I can sense the pain but not feel it. Further, they have no side effects. In this case, though, the side effects were plainly, horribly, evident. As well, the pain leaked through. Not all of it. Just enough that the suffering was great. Much like when you take artificial, man-made, painkillers, you can have all sorts of side effects, from an general uneasiness, upset stomach, and such. I had those, and flushes. A rough night indeed. Usually, even in the depths of my various sufferings, I am still happy to be alive. Last night was not a usual night. Last night life hurt. It hurt hard. While I will never be suicidal again, it seems there are still times where I will pray for release. Cursed, at times, with a mild form of immortality. I cannot die, not... yet.
Finally able to get back to bed I slept well and long. I could not wake, as morning rolled around. At 4:00, then 6:00, then 8:00 rolled around, I could not, as I usually do, just wake and pop out of bed. Well, perhaps it was 8:00 or 9:00 when I finally did wake. I was still suffering, if in a milder way, the side effects of the natural painkillers my body releases when I go over some edges. Flushes, mild stomach upset, who knows what all. At 15:00, I am quite tired. I never did wake up fully, not today. And I won't. At this point I am looking at falling into the darkness again, and soon. Fighting it as I may, I am definitely on the downhill slope of the day. That trajectory is steep. The goal is to make it to at least 17:00, maybe 18:00. But my problem may have been that I pushed too far beyond the trajectory yesterday, after working even the little bit I did. Care must be given or I will sink into that void too hard.
I am fighting it. I am trying to keep the pain, nausea, and flushes at bay. I am looking at distractions. I am thinking on better times and things. I won't just give up, if I may end up overwhelmed, at times, for short periods of time. But I will work at it when and while I can. I don't want to go down that darkness, but now I know why I did. It is much harder to be aware of this... sickness. I understand why my other side closed me off to this. I also understand why that part of me is so wickedly powerful, and... brutal. Still, I would like to take some of that back, as I can.
My eyelids are burning. Literally. Yes, I have stayed awake through the suffering like never before.
Later, I hope.
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