A shower, shave, and shopping.

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A lot of "sh" 'ing.  It... happens.  Cut myself all up, shaving.  Bleh.  But, so be it.  Shower was good, got dishes cleaned before.  Soaking, rinsing, probably need a refresher before drying them.  Got laundry down, and in the washroom, but didn't get it started.  A bit at a time.

Still so very tired.

I am hoping to get the corned beef and cabbage going, tonight.  And, maybe, fry the chicken, then bake it finished too.  I'll be browning the corned beef.  That... really makes a flavor difference.  More than spice, more than, salt, more than anything I know.  Don't... skip browning roasts, or probably any meat one might bake.

Oh, and I found chuck roast on sale, if not literally on sale, but at a price I could afford.  So I got some.  It has been so long since I have had a beef roast.  At $8 a pound, I wouldn't touch it.  Even at $5, I was a bit squeamish.  But, it has been a while.  I saw several things, at better prices, so picked up extra.  Some in the fridge freezer, some in the drop-in.  I said hello to Sam, while I was there.  She'll be getting buried this week, I think.  Oddly, it's... good to still be able to see her.  But it's time for her to go on home.  I can't believe how much that still hurts.

It is good to be clean, shaven, and getting food going.  It only got to 50 or so today, and is only down to about 40.  Though it could drop into freezing even yet.  It has been below sixty, upstairs, the last few days.  Okay by me, it's only when it goes below forty that I... start rethinking things.  I suppose, even now, I am a bit... different.  As long as temps don't change too fast, I can adjust.  It's those fast changes, or poor condition regarding the heart, when I can get too cold too fast, and can't break out.  Or too hot.

Well, on to gaming a bit.  I fed Sassy, again, when returning.  And had McDonalds on the way home.  Every once in a while, it's good to go bad?  To a degree.  I really do eat pretty well, mostly.  Save when I can't get cooking going.  I don't mind some poorly decided eats, from time to time.  Fast, easy, cheap.  You really only get three of four I guess, on this one.  Fast, cheap, easy, and quality.  I... used up my three with the first of these.  Still, good enough.

Yeah, gaming.  Then dishes and corned beef, and chicken maybe too.  Sure cut my face up tonight.  The shaving cream makes it really slick.  I'll... have to be more careful.  And, maybe, a fresh blade.  Odd how a fresh blade is less dangerous, but I really think it is.  Later.

My best April fools in... a long time.

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Called my mom yesterday.  I asked what she was about.  Oh, getting ready to go visit her guy.  Not doing much, just getting out on weekend pass.  Maybe making something good to eat, but more just spending time, noodling from a distance.  Cats... and dogs... it's how they do in these times.  I am happy they have a friend, and a place to go.

She asked what I was doing.  Digging out from a foot of snow, I said, glumly.  Really?  No, not really.  April fools.  Oh, she enjoyed that.  I suggested that while it was late, I am always late.  So... all good.  Yea, she enjoyed being played.  Love it when they laugh.

Chores were done, rabbits are in good shape.  Still, I am adding extra water out in the outbuilding.  It is more water that worries me.  They can go two days, if I'd rather them not.  Three is pushing it, for any creature.  I have it set that they should have enough water for two to three days.  Still, the goal is daily, or every other day if I am really failing.  I do my best.

After that, I hit the dishes, and moved them, so as to be able to shower shortly.  And then reset them.  I hadn't fed Sassy!  So, she got fed.  I had my own breakfast.  And, I am doing a few things here and there.  The goal is to be clean, shaven, and at least looking and feeling human, then get another corned beef and cabbage meal going.

I did get the meatballs and fried crumble up and refrigerated last night.  So... life is good.  Still a bit iffy, odd, peculiar, and slightly achy and painful, but... waking.  Beginning to work.  It looks like the folks I wanted to offer my system to have decided on a different system.  So, they may not be trying it.  Still, thought to offer.  They picked one I rejected.  I said why, but left it there.  It's... all good.

The one they picked... I like the looks of it a lot better.  Just, not the nuts and bolts of it.  It uses three filter tubes, but calls it four, and was more expensive.  At least up front, if I think filters are usually all pretty pricey little deals.  They try to make it so it is just worth it to redo filters.  Still, three or four replacements is the cost of your system, give or take.  Still, I offered.  Can't do more.

I am excited to get it in.  I will then seal the sink drain more rightly, cutting out the part that the rejected water went.  Even that would overflow... as it was trying to reject ten times what it was keeping, so... just the volume of water, especially of forgotten on for a longer time.  Ugh.  Oh, and these countertops, if you can believe them, are much more efficient, wasting less water.  I really should figure out a way to use the reject water?  Plants don't mind fluoride?  Actually the rabbits probably wouldn't mind.  They have shorter lives.  I just don't know.

Anyway...  I'm on to things.  Just a bit of a rest, after doing some of those things, then back to it.  Later.

Up!

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I realized it may have been... a while? since I did chores?  Not certain, but not yesterday.  The day before I hope.  But... longer?  Terrified, I got into a tear, filled some waterers as needed, took what else had already been prepared, and got out there.  All good.  I... feared.  Can't do that, but so tired.

I have set the timer, won't feed Sassy first thing.  Or she begs constantly.  She has always been that way, I guess.  But... I... have been sleep walking through life, and forgot, and just followed inputs without thought.  Zombie!  But, no, today, and as long as memory and will remain, I will keep her on a bit of a leash.  I am keeping her to two cans of food a day, and what kibbles she will eat.  She... doesn't like kibbles, which is a good thing, or she'd be twenty, not thirteen, pounds.  And, she is a tiny thing, other than her heft.  Have to bury her in a hefty duty box.  :p

I tried to open into my bank account, both online, and through the phone.  As it seems there is a way to do it on the phone, too.  However, I can't remember the password, they don't have anyone working on Saturdays (expected, just checked... just in case), and the phone system says I don't have authority.  So... I will figure this out.  I would much rather do this over the phone.  I was able to find my balance, if... I doubt that balance.  Still, it's... a quick and dirty for that.  I... like having access to my account.  Sometimes, when I can't get out, I'll sit and sweat for days, weeks, worrying about how much I have.  Just... sitting... worrying.  Ugh.

Oh, I did pull the trigger on the countertop reverse osmosis system.  No more overflows, by forgetting while filling a jug.  Plus, I will probably, as mentioned, get three or even four tanks going.  Half gallon jugs, some refrigerated, one or two not.  And, I will begin using this for even my cooking water, maybe for Sassy too.  With softened water, the filters last a LOT longer, like three to four times the length.  I have only ever changed them out of an abundance of caution.  I would guess I can get four years out of the... actually... I have gotten four years out of six month filters... without a degradation of taste or sediment levels (which I check, independently, from time to time).  A water softener may well pay for itself, if you go with reverse osmosis.

By the way, I no longer need a virtual swimming pool to get Sassy the water she needs.  I may try to figure something better out for her.  She simply doesn't drink anywhere near what Sam was drinking.  Sam could drink half of the dish pan, you know those plastic wash pans?  She could do have that in two days.  Poor dear was a thirsty devil.  That had to be nearly her weight in water?  Maybe more, definitely more near the end.  The pan holds about three gallons, I think, and half would be one and an half gallons, and a gallon weighs slightly more than eight pounds, so... twelve pounds of water, in two days?  Now you can see why the litter pans were hell.  I... couldn't keep up.

And, while I miss her, and feel guilty about this next?  I was so overwhelmed by her needs and wants.  I couldn't keep up.  She was hungry, all the time, and thirsty, when she wasn't pooping or throwing up.  I feel terrible for her, felt terrible for her, but too, was... backed into a corner, couldn't figure out what to do.  I do understand how things were for her.  I have been there.  When waking after a few months down, I would feel the want to eat the world.  And, thus, would... mess my bathroom something terrible.  Not quite this bad, but she was half out of her mind with both hunger, and probably pain.  The guilt, though, of wanting them to go... is something terrible.  That isn't why I put her down.  I did it for her.  To hold her, while she slept, comfortably, that last little bit... was golden.

Well... it's almost time to put her in the ground.  To... bring her home.  Although, from dreams, I see she is already home.  And, after the visit, she visited here, for a week or so.  Even Sassy saw her, which disturbed her... until she understood this wasn't the sick Sam, the mean one.  Then she just noticed, and was at ease.  I wasn't the only one who saw.

Anyway... now to wake.  I have the timer set, for feeding Sassy.  Her litter is cleared.  Breakfast, waking, and... some other stuff.  A shower, pretty quickly.  Which means dishes will get a hit, then be set out, and reset when I finish.  And a shave.  Some of the Shaving cream is in.  Fast, sometimes.

Meatballs.

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This time, spiced.  A bit salty, or the one I tried was.  Though, in a vegetable stew, it might... work out.  Well herbed and spiced, otherwise.  A bit of onion, garlic, italian, ground caraway, white and black pepper, and a few others.  Nothing hot.  And, I used one of those ice cream type scoops.  Only about three tablespoons, or four the way I did it.  Just to try to have them a similar size, so they would cook more evenly.  Perfection, in these matters, doesn't exist.  However, close enough for hand grenades and... something else... will do.

As well, I fried some of it just as is, as a meat crumble, for taco salad or a keto pasta dish.  Or else something something.  Lots to be done with meat crumble.  Oh, it was a mix of beef and pork, ground of course.  All of it a bit long in the tooth, but the smell was okay.  I... check that.  Not that smell is a perfect test, but while cooking, if it is bad, it... will pretty much scream "Don't Eat Me!".  Nasty.  This was okay.

Well, and if it was a bit too close, or even fairly close, even eating one would have me running to the bathroom.  I'll store both of those tonight.  I forgot to thaw the corned beef.  Going to have another dose of that stuff.  I still have two more in the freezer.  If... I went through three already.  I... really like that.  And, the stew will be used with fresh veggies and the meatballs, to make a really nice veggie stew.

I had hoped to have that ready for tomorrow, but... not.  The corned beef simply won't be ready.  Hmm...  It was for the lad.  Young man I should say.  I may have him over for some of the corned beef, then for the veggie and meat stew.  I... need an objective opinion.  Plus... it's nice to share a meal, from time to time.  And, these, really, are my... feast day type meals.  I'd do fish, if I could find fish I could afford and trust.  Can't be from China, through China, off Chinese boats in our waters, none of it.  They really don't care if it was washed in mercury, or dowsed in arsenic.  They simply don't care about human life.  It's all business, and business for the party leaders.  Some pigs are more equal.  Absolutely.  We are going that way too, currently.  At their command, to be honest.

I am hoping to yet get a shower.  Shave.  And?  I did start dishes.  I could try to finish those.  Or... not.  Maybe not any of it.  Running out of steam, if I can't quite just pull it into the shed and shut it down.  Bleh.  I hate that.  Odd life I live.  Keep, from time to time, being surprised I am still alive.  Making through terrible spells, or just... losings days or weeks, even now.  But... when I wake, I get up and try.  

Yes, that means, sometimes... when I write?  I am no more writing than I am actually awake or aware.  Odd, to think about.  Makes me somewhat afraid to go read all I have written.  Not that I could anyway.  Way too much here.  Later, or goodnight.

Feeling better?

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A bit.  Still a bit of a headache.  I think I have been failing to eat, or drink, enough.  Or... up to what I am accustomed.  The game is becoming... intense.  I will try to take some easier days, in the next few.  I have four major bosses I could fight, but... that... will take it out of me, stress me a bit much.  

I want to do some light, back, filler stuff... easier quest completions, collecting components for useful items, perhaps even more leveling.  I have leveled to a bit over meta.  May level a lot over meta.  However, I may need a faster leveling area.  I think there may be a place or two, pretty much since I am at end game, which are... reasonable.

Some of the areas are ridiculous, even at my level, and with end-game gear.  The yard trash are nigh on impossible to fully clear.  Even taking my time; knowing general pathing, numbers, and types; prepping well before certain fights... even with all that, the outcome, at best, is questionable.  Brutal game.  I woke with both nostrils bleeding.  First one, and not a trickle but an explosion.  Then, when I got on blocked, the other hit.  Not explosively, as the other, but more like a river.  Still hard and fast.

Electrolytes... the last few days.  I have fallen off everything, including that.  But, for two days, back on track.  I had been holding water, for the week prior.  I took extra water pills, a few days, then stopped altogether, with those, again.  And am still draining like a tapped swamp!  Going like a race-horse, every time I turn around it seems.  To the point of cramping legs and feet, thus making sure about electrolytes.  Ugh.

Two calls, from the mortgage offer company.  No message.  Also, no emails.  I didn't hear them, they called from numbers, from that company, that I don't allow through.  But it listed as having been called.  Eventually they will go away.  When you turn a company from a finance servicing center into a quota hiring machine, you lose the capacity to do reasonable business, and lose your customers.  So be it.

Hmm?  Well?  I'll try to get to a shower, dishes, work on the clothes line beams, chores, and... food.  Oh, and I'd like to shave.  Found my favored shaving cream, at amazon.  Three for less than I usually paid for two?  Okay.  I actually ordered my regular kind, the original, in a three pack.  Plus a three pack of manly smelling stuff, sandalwood and something something.  I do like options, and being sharp, from time to time.  Oh, those will last me... years.  But... they... will last me years.  And, they will be just fine.

Actually, when I ran out of my shaving cream, I was using what my brother bought when here.  Back when you couldn't take anything on a plane, so he left it.  It has been many years since he visited.  It was just fine.  I actually really liked it.  It's, just, I use what I use.  His is barbaslol or such?  Mine is edge.  I think I cut most major brands long ago, as they went multiqueeretc.  I may be a freak, but I don't support freakdom.  I may be a multi, but I don't think it is best.  So be it.  Amen.

Anyway... on to... things?  When I can.  First, to spend time trying to wake.  Then a shower and shave.  A break.  Food to be cooked, including meatballs, a mix of beef and pork, and... some other foods?  For the next few days to week.  I'll finish the pork roast.  No, it was still good.  Spiced, herbed, cooked, and stored correctly, it really does last well.  Then, if I can, work on the posts.

It is only 50 out there.  Only 50?  Just a week ago, and that was the highest temp of the whole month before!  Ha.  A few days of sun and warmth, and I got spoiled.  Still, I'm... actually enjoying the cool.  The last bits of it, before it gets hot again.  But, I do have to use the furnace.  For as much as I enjoy the cool, below 68 and I can't do crap.  I... slow to a... I must be a reptile!  You old son of a dragon, you?  Aye.  Not a snake, different thing, different times, amen.  Later.

No calls, but...

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I decided to email two of the people who have tried to contact me.  I had sixteen messages to erase.  There would have been more, but that, with four saved, filled my message service.  I was polite, but plain.  Charging $10k, for $30k, plus interest, is beyond the pale.  I suggest the $2k to $3k range, for closing, would have been acceptable.  But not this.  Didn't wish them well, just suggested that they be so.

Headache.  Neckache.  Food was good, but it isn't being processed well.  Just sitting in there.  Yea, I can tell when I am overly tired.

I have made it through much of the game, if there are some side quests, even with planning, which were not completable.  If there are a number yet to complete.  They just... don't trigger properly, all of them.  I am guessing that bad programming is part of the problem.  Some call that mystique.  It's... just poor program tracking.

The other major problem is when standard "yard trash" mobs are more difficult to defeat than some bosses.  Well, and for some 'toons, cheesing is the only way through some areas.  Basically, the game requires certain types to cheat certain areas.  And, pretty much, everyone ends up cheating.  There isn't a reasonable way through.  Now, when I say cheating, I mean doing things other than the straightforward manner.  The annoying part is figuring out how to cheat, when all else fails.

I am on a non-boss which may well end up being more difficult than the boss whose access he guards.  Annoying.  I've tried three different ways, multiple times.  I am beyond what is considered meta in the game.  And, yet, can't even get him down to even two thirds health.  Stupid.

They have opened up some of the earlier areas, making one boss who required perfect timing, no lag, and luck as well?  Nerfed.  But, so too where some of our powers, and npc cooperative player system.  But, they haven't touched the last, say, thirty or forty bosses.  Some of which weren't too bad, a few which are terribly difficult, to the point that it seems they devs are cheating for the mob.  It's like, some of them, you have to die at least a certain number of times.

On to bed.  I am hoping the phone calls stop.  And emails.  And texts.  Wow, what a screwy thing.  I wonder if taking a sip out of equity is always that painful, if that is a new thing, or... what.  I just know I wouldn't do that to save one of my nuts!  I suppose some people are truly desperate.  Not I.

When I can be up, and well, during the days, I may begin talking to the telebuyers, who want to buy the place.  Just... see where that would go.  Maybe talk to a real estate dealer, the one who sold me the place, perhaps.  Just... get a rough call on the place.  I have an estimate, but as mentioned, some of those places sold a bit ago.  Things have... warmed up, recently.  Spookily.  At 3.5, I'd not walk, but run.  Six months to get me out, unless they could spot me something to get packed and out faster.

So tired of trying to keep a house and home, bills, and else.  Keeping thieves at bay, as well as a sleepy head can.  Animals that won't breed... if I wonder if there is more to it.  As with the ducks, I wonder if I am just not welcome here.  So be it.  If I can go, I will.  Later.

A small start.

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I did call my brother.  Couldn't get through.  AND his voice messaging system was full.  Okay.  So, I let that go, for then.  And started my waking process.  He did call back.  It's obvious he has a lot happening.  I realize I am rather far down on any list.  Actually, I'm not on any list he has.  Since we were children, for many reasons.  I get it.  Still, I call for... duty?  Something.  A mother's request, as well.

I had meant to call about the mortgage option, to cancel it.  So they stop calling.  Five to seven calls a day.  I had intended to just ghost them, but... I'd like my phone back.  It's just too late.  They close East Coast times.  Tomorrow.  And the woman who was in charge, initially.  It's like they have two whites do the major stuff, then ten minorities call over and over and reiterate, and irritate.  They need to stop that.  It doesn't help.  Even if their deal had been worth engaging, that has to stop.  If they really need quota hirers, hire them, and have them call each other.  Or some other equally useless, if less bothersome, tasks.  Although, with elites as they are today, bothering clients with minority hires IS part of their job, I think.

Hungry, a bit?  But not terribly interested in eating anyway.  I am thinking, perhaps, some or the remainder of the pork roast, and some veggies, steamed.  Yes, maybe.  It is cool out there, around 42?  Something like that.  And a bit windy, plus overcast.  A spring day, a less pleasant one, but no longer winter.  There is that.

Later.

No longer asleep?

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Actually, doing well this morning.  Not that I will be able, yet, to do much.  BUT.  Better it is.  No great pains, my feet don't hurt from being waterlogged, everything... feels better.  Some of it was the stress of the lien... that wasn't.  Some of it was the stress of the renegotiated mortgage that was impossibly expensive.  They are still calling.  I suppose I should call them and let them know to get stuffed, officially.  Oh, fine, I'll do it a bit more diplomatically.  But, yea, no.

I have decided to forgo the rest of the regularly scheduled purchases this month, and buy a countertop reverse osmosis machine.  The under-the-sink one always drips.  Even when I fix it, over time... and I mean a short time... it ends up putting water down there again.  I can't keep up on that.  So, I'll... fix it with this new system.  As well, I don't have to worry about it running overnight.  And, can have several batches of water, ready, at a time.  Maybe three, one or two out, and similar in the fridge.  With breakfast and coffees, at least currently, I go through about one batch a day.  As summer hits, I'll probably be changing over to a tea and a coffee, though maybe more tea?  I will be drinking more in the heat.

Oddly, when it is very hot and very cold is when I drink the most, though maybe that makes sense.  I suppose both extremes tax the body more than more regulated, moderate, times.  I'm not really hungry, but I'll have breakfast anyway.  I think all else I ate yesterday was bratwursts and sauerkraut.  Just... wasn't hungry.  Oh, and a can of kipper snacks.  Those are actually not sardines, a slightly larger fish.  Just as good, in my book.

I am hoping to get a shower, cook some foods, do a few batches of dishes, maybe a load of laundry?  Yes, I can definitely get that going.  Then go work on the beams of the clothes line poles... get the old stuff off, the foam, and perhaps sand them a bit?  If so, I'll put linseed oil on them, when they are installed.  Or something like that... to help preserve them.

Oh, a dream.  Groups, in various churches, are nearly superhuman.  Humble, it seems.  And, they know they can't win some wars.  How things work, I can't always say.  I... actually, to a degree, believe the dream.  I have seen things.  But the mind likes to... let the... unusual slide out of mind, rather than note it and codify it into rational, or... conscious? thought.

Work was done, in the dream, that isn't possible.  Not just men, there were women who were terribly strong.  I am not sure, literally, about the women, though I suspect so.  But the men, I have seen them do.  And, I know one.  If not in that way, for a group, I once was such a man.  But, a bad heart really does change everything.  Even so, for having a bad heart, and being my age?  Against a normal?  I still don't think it is a contest.  Just my hand strength, at 250 pounds per square inch, and up to 350 if then my hands can hurt themselves when I use them full stop...  But, in my dream, I saw that groups, in various churches, are like... army, or builder, ants.  Only used in emergencies, and only in some places.

Then again, it may just be that God works with, through, some people?  In certain ways?  What amazes me is that people can see these things, and still choose not to believe.  I could, to a degree, disbelieve... because I too could do such, at once.  As a non-comformist, non-believer... of sorts.  But I was different.  Unnatural.  Probably not fully human.  These... are human.  I can tell.  Something about their nature.

What makes a human actually human?  Lineage, is part of it.  But, too, some... thing.  A soul.  It isn't something to be tested for, but it can be... understood to be had, by some, and not by others.  But, don't think having a soul makes one capable of sinlessness either, though.  Actually, the non-humans are evil immaculate... outside of God's grace, without having to sin.  Born that way.  I was among them, but called from that.  A terrifying ordeal.  Fought hard.  But, I was looking for a way in, just... didn't realize what... that meant.  As mentioned, I thought I could own the holy, wise, true, beautiful.  I didn't realize I would have to... subject myself to it.  To bow to it.  To pray to it.  Oh, I got it, but... it got me.

Hmm... well... that is the story of one older giantling, for I am the smaller of my kind.  And I tell you, it is as true as I can understand to tell you.  Amen.

Anyway... on to... something.  Waking, and breakfast, first.  Sassy was already fed, then her litter cleared.  I tried to call my brother yesterday.  Will try again today.  Having the devil of a time getting ahold of him, and he doesn't seem to want to call back.  I think he is worried I will ask for something.  At this point, I won't.  He... is and does as he must, and is up against it.  Plus, I... generally piss him off.  Not intentionally.  Then again, I think, currently, everybody from wifey to kids to parents, to... friends... piss him off.  Life is hard for him, and bothers bother.

Later.  Have a good day.  Get to it if you can, or just enjoy the... slide.  For some of us, the slide... is shorter, now.  Though, for everyone, no matter, the slide is one day shorter than it was yesterday at this time.  Amen.

Idiots.

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The lien?  On the house?  Is to the mortgage holder!  Ugh!  They all have that.  I didn't know they held a lien.  I guess I didn't know how that works.  I was wondering, as I had not been informed of anything else.  These two or three weeks, worried about a lien that was, in essence, just the mortgage holder claim.

Well, that makes like easier.  So... no worries.  They are pushing for me to sign.  Oh well.  A ten grand cost for a thirty grand loan, on the value of the house?  No.  If it had been a few grand, sure, maybe.  Paperwork and whatnot.  But not a third of the value of the loan.  Plus interest.  One or the other, mostly, not both.

At least I don't have to worry about fighting a legal battle about a medical debt, or some such.  Yea.  But, the extra two hundred I was going to have to be putting against the new higher mortgage can go into savings.  Along with what else was going in.  Plus, whatever extra from through the month.  If I can push three times that amount, I can get electrical in a year, or even this fall.  And begin arranging furnace and central air next spring or fall.  Plus, to little things between now and then... out of pocket.  Sure, it won't be as fast.  But that is stupid expensive financing.  No thank you.  Crazy.  Insane.  Criminal, in my opinion.  And that was through the V.A. financing?  Yea no.

Well, now I can relax.  That was half of what was bothering me.  Keeping me down.  So much stress.  Dealing with housing/home is... so very stressful.  And an unknown lien was more terrifying to boot.  It's the unknown that can kill.  I may have to see how much I could get for the place.  Less then 300 and I won't sell.  More and I'd sell today.  Much more and I'd do it yesterday, figure out how to get out shortly.  

Visit my mother, on my way to... nowhere.  El Salvador, the Philippines, or wherever I felt reasonable about, and could get a non-masked transport to... say a private sailing ship, or even boarding on a hauler ship of some sort.  I won't fly, as long as masks are mandated, certainly not if the jab is required.

Or... just disappear, again.  It'll be the thousandth time.  I... would be giving a few folks a few ducks.  Family, and friend family.  Just... a bit.  To help get them started, and to one who may no longer be a friend for things I have said... if truthful, hurtful.  Because I want to see him succeed.  I won't apologize, but I will... gift the righteous a bit.  Then again, that is as much a pipedream as the loan was.  So...  Just... dreaming.  Later.

When you are next to death?

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When you are, mostly, just waiting... to die?  When there is little else you can do.  Graced to be able to get up, even stand, some days?  You speak... your mind.  People, normals, really aren't read for that.  They are so busy living in little lies, trying to get what they want, on the cheap, that... they really just can't handle the truth.

Hurt feelings?  Wait until what you face is a final, probably terribly painful, quick or slow, slide off the plane of life.  All you can see is the truth, or aspects of it.  You can't fathom sparing feelings.  Some fear chasing the few people off who will talk to them.  I am beyond that.  Not... for cruelties sake, just... I say what I think because I no longer have the capacity, the energy, to negotiate truths to make people feel better about the lies they live, or try to hide in.

Not that I am always, say, right.  Just... that... I say it as I see it.  I get in such trouble for it.  Whether written, or spoken.  The longer you have been close to death, the closer you have gotten, and certainly if you have... if briefly... slipped these surly bonds.  You can never come back "home".  To understand, if not quite have seen, the face of God... the truth is more important, by far, than even the life I have been entrusted.  I won't negotiate, on that, anymore.  I do try, however, to be more kindly.  But, sometimes, it is what it is.  Ask, and without thought I may well tell.

Just... thinking.  Of how many people I have enraged, by denying lies people live, hide, and worse die, in.  Or their kin or friends.  I... like to hope, by telling and keeping to the truth, I might help them from their shadows, sin, lies, pride.  Some people will never be helped.  Refuse.  Some... I think... can't be.  At some point, choice is no longer available.  Still, I will keep to the truth, if for no other good than what remains of my earthly sanity.  Amen.

Not as bad as yesterday.

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Stressed, though.  Tired.  Hurting.  Sore.  The heart, it really is sore, as if bruised.  But, as mentioned, better today.

I'll be sending an email to the company dealing, potentially, with the lean.  Lien?  Yea, whatever.  Anyway.  Everything is being held up by them, at the moment.  Partly.  Though, really, just a decision.  Which is the crux of the process.  So...

Dark, again?  Or partly?  Haven't looked out.  Seeing some light peak in, but...  I looked out.  Hazy rather than full on cloudy, but darker.  Not a full shine, for certain.  It was 65, upstairs, with the windows open.  But, the furnace is on, so that may have thrown it.  Even with the door shut, and vent blocked off, in warmer weather that heat will add to the upstairs.

I tried the double fermented kefir.  Putting it in the fridge overnight, as it had jelled well.  But it has absolutely no flavor.  Then again, it's a first batch.  And, I can smell the kefir, at least in the fermenting jars.  I can't, in the second ferment jar.  Dumping that.  But, then, I usually do.  Still, I think it won't work, so ordered another batch of fresh kefir grains.  And, when that arrives, will get fresh milk right away, and get that going.  Now I know where to get what I need, and exactly what I need.  Might as well dump that first load.  Though, rather than waste, I'd like to create a line of this stuff, to compare to the new stuff.  Only, I won't probably keep the old stuff.  My guess is, if abused a bit, it will lose some of the yeast and bacteria a fresh batch has.  Not everything makes it through time.  Not sure it can be reintroduced.

Oh, and I am quitting cream, from the dairy.  Will go back to milk, and just milk.  Cream at the store is close enough, since they are all pretty much just fats, but milks are different.  Non-homogenized, not pasteurized, milk is much finer.  Whereas cream is pretty much cream, as it isn't homogenized, though may be pasteurized if that doesn't make much difference for fats.  And, at half to a third the cost, it... isn't worth any spread on any issue.  But milk, especially for kefir, once it's been fed up to production on 'milk light'... yes, that will be worth a bit extra.  That is still twice the price of regular milk, but, as mentioned, is worth it.

Breakfast is brewing.  The litter pans have been cleaned.  Dishes reset, not that there are many.  I am about to send an email, about the lien.  And, then... start the waking process.  Good morning... day now. 

Okay.

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About the game... 'Elden Ring'.  While there are problems?  It is both huge, varied, and interesting.  There is so very much to do.  Every time I think I have an area down, there... was more.  More, and more, and more.  Mostly... a good thing.  A bit overwhelming.  And, for a completionist?  A... an understanding.  I won't ever do everything in the game, even if I played it three or four times through.

Even the questlines, some of them, are... taxing?  The problem with the quests is that there is no way one person would probably every figure out a whole line.  There either are no hints as to the next step, not indication there even is a next step, or the notions are so unclear that nothing could be sorted out, other than returning to old areas, going to new areas, talking to everybody, every time you see them, and even then, hoping you don't do something or go too far in the rest of the game, so as to break a quest without knowing it.

Essentially, you have to know the quests before doing them, which is... totally wrong.  It sort of breaks the game, the immersion.

Still.  If you have time, and need to bury it?  This is your oyster.  For me, currently, it is just something that keeps me awake.  I would be sleeping, or dead?  Perhaps it has gone a bit far, and is now keeping me under.  Can't be sure.  But... it is what it is, until it runs it's course.  Addictions are what they are.

A salad, for supper.  Nothing fancy.  I am tending the kefir.  I reset the grains, to fresh milk, and placed the first fermented milk in a third jar, to second ferment.  I am keeping the furnace higher than I would, to ensure the kefir goes forward.  It needs to be warm.  Especially starting out.  Later on, when I get two or three, or four or five, iterations... and the grains are stronger, I can allow it to be cooler.  I am babying them, for now.  Not sure they will work, being refrigerated for perhaps a month, two?  Will see.  But it seems to be... trying.  I may just order a new batch.  Now that I know where to go to get what I need, without a doubt.

Once I get it going, I will, eventually, have to try it with goat milk.  Now that I know where to get that, too.  But only with very healthy grains, as I think they ultra-pasteurize that.  Or... find a local who milks, and would sell.  Or... trade for something.  Anyway... just some plans and thoughts.

I may or may not have time to get anything done.  But I keep trying, searching, seeking, looking, thinking.  And, when possible, acting.  It's a frustrating life.  As with my mother, I am sometimes crippled.  But, I... can still do things.  And sure try.  Life isn't... perfect.  But it is what I have, and I will try to use and enjoy it.  It, all by itself, is a sacrifice to God.  I have accepted His word, that I should live.  And I try to make that word worthy of His will.  Amen.

A call.

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Just checking on mother.  She had a rough day, too.  Weakness, couldn't stand or walk well.  Frustrating, I know.  Which is why I am hoping to get a shower stool soon.  I don't need it all the time, just... once in a while.  Legs become jello.  Sometimes it's from the muscles, sometimes from the heart.  Though perhaps they are both from the heart, just a different mechanism?  I would guess so, as my muscles and nerves, and else, are pretty good.  Just out of shape.

She is getting her funeral arrangements made.  She has plans for the service.  Knows where it will be.  Has everything paid up.  Oh, and is writing the obituary.  I asked if she would send a copy.  Just to see.  What a gal, to be honest.  Once I get things a bit more settled, and decide a few more things, I... will begin with that process myself.  To include, possibly, having my casket ready.  May try to build it myself.  Best to converse with funeral homes/services, to make sure the casket will hold.  A bit of engineering is required for those, especially when burying a bear.  Wouldn't want the indignity to pallbearers to have me drop out midway there.  Then again, don't want it so overbuilt that it takes ten to carry.  Though, often, these days, they just mount the caskets on gurney sort of things... with wheels.  Pallbearers are getting older too.  The world is... dying.  The West is.  Aging before it does so.

Still rough.  Food was good.  But... it's a rough day.  Dark.  Windy?  A bit, I think.  I, and my mother, both get the sense that a snowstorm is still on the way, in our areas.  She feels it in her bones, I feel it in my spirit.  Could both be wrong.  Strange, we would both feel it, though.  Could, still, be wrong.  Or we are in for a heck of a storm.  Time will tell, if I have my doubts.  Just a... fluke of feels?

Have heard nothing from the people, regarding the potential lean on the house.  May give them a call tomorrow.  Later.

A rough start.

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Things hurt that haven't hurt in a while.  I need to get back on meds, know it, but can't seem to do so.  Sleep is off, everything I do costs a lot of effort, effort I don't have to give.  Still.  Until I can get unstuck, this is the way of it.

Breakfast water is heating.  Sassy has been fed, and then her litter cleared.  I'll refresh her water when I get in to work on the waterers.  I have roast, for lunch.  And a salad to have with it.  I'll skip veggies this time.  Well, other than the salad.  I'll be cooking a few other things today.  Those pork meatballs, and probably browning then baking chicken.  I'll set the meatballs aside for later this week.  Oh, but to get the stew for it, I'll be making corned beef, one last batch.  I bought two more while at the store, for later in the year.  I miss those, missed them a lot, this time, apparently.

And, before long, today or tomorrow, I need to separate the veggies in the mixed pack.  They last better when parted.  The celery is still good from the last pack, and would have gone bad, in the mix, and then made everything else get bad too.  Odd how that works.  As is, a ten dollar veggie mix pack will offer... about seven to eight meals (or dishes really, as two could be had in one meal session).  So, yes, for me, well worth it.  Plus, no prep on my side.  Unless I chop the celery for rare soup additions, or in casseroles.

It seems expensive, as with the mixed prepped salad... with shaved carrots, cucumbers, and cherry tomatoes, for $11.  But, that gives me about seven to ten salads, depending on if I have them as the main meal mostly, or as a side.  Plus, no waste.  Same with the veggie pack, now I almost never waste.  Whereas when I would buy the parts, sometimes they would never be formed into a meal=ready variant, and would just, often, go bad.  And, two salads, and four veggie packs, last pretty much the month...  So, $22 plus $40, at $62 takes care of most of my fresh veggie needs.  And, with nearly no waste?  I can't beat it.

I am down to just doing chores every other day.  They usually still have a bit of food left, and water too.  Now that water doesn't freeze, they don't have a thirst craze, or need for twice a day waterings.  Until the heat hits, then it might be more like at least once a day, plus with frozen water bottles out with them.  But just until they acclimate, then occasionally as a treat.  At some point, the acclimatize.  But that first few weeks... yes... a little extra care.  And, occasionally, or on the hottest of days.

Well... on to... setting up breakfast, and waking.  Later.

That was a very good pork roast.

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Browning, the only way to go.  Will never skip it from now on, no matter the meat.  As well, and onion, halved, put on top.  As well as salt and pepper.  I let it mostly cook, then added the older veggies.  but they were still good.  Gave it all another half hour, and... dinner.

The pork was overdone, by temp.  But was... fine.  Pork can handle some overcooking.  Especially for us older types, who are used to pork being cooked to absolute death because of the parasites that are common to pork.  Anyway, still very, very good.

I thought about salad, with fresh on hand.  But the meat and veggies was quite enough.  I might have something later, or not.  I will be sure to put this roast up.  I have turnips and rutabaga, which I might make for the next serving of this.  Nothing like those root veggies with a roast, of almost any kind.

I haven't heard anything back.  Sent a fax, regarding a potential lean on my house.  I didn't know about that.  Wasn't informed.  Anyway, want to find out more.  Waiting for more information before things are sorted.  Time.  Tic-toc, tic-toc, clippety-clop... the horseman are time killers, but... time can only be killed just... so... much.  Delayed, not truly killed.  But... killed enough to make it all work.  Just, not all times, in all things.  To each nature and reality, as season.  Odd.

Oh, but I did, finally, get kefir going.  Not sure it will work out.  Using quart jars, but only filling them half way... until the grains really pop.  Then I may add more.  Want to see what will happen.  On the bad side, the grains I got, I got quite a while ago.  I think they will still work, but may be a bit janky?  Or take extra time?  Lightly pasteurized milk, non-homogenized.  Perfect for starting.  Though, if this doesn't work, I'll reorder, and restart the whole thing.

I... couldn't get out.  I... couldn't get going.  I am still having trouble.  I am way behind, on a dozen things.  But... the rabbits are kept fed and watered, as is Sassy, and even myself.  And clean.  Litter to behind the ears, if the house needs help.

I may call, about the offer on the house.  See where that might lead.  I doubt if I could get what I would really want.  But you never know.  I'd need three, to three and an half of debt, to feel like I could walk away with enough for a new gig, probably somewhere South of the border.  Or in Asia.  

If Asia is looking a little spooky, with China wanting to own the area, an idiot in the lead office of the land, and asians freaking about covid, and doing things not even America or Europe has tried to implement, yet.  Not sure if foreigners are as poorly treated as the natives, but... it... could be a bit treacherous over there.  Even in the more West friendly of the nations.

South America... depends on where, and when.  And, might be able to find a way out if it all went to shit.  Probably have a method or three, on the sidebooks, just in case.  Anything from another covid overreaction to a bloody insurrection, invasion by another nation or China, or... pick one.  South America is not exactly known for stability, or civility, when it goes... well... south.

My mother doesn't like the idea.  But the truth is, in exploring options regarding escapes, I may well end up visiting her more often, having extra cast and a lower overhead, even living in a foreign country.  So it goes.  Europe is gone, as a potential place to move.  They have become muslim, and it won't get better.  They are crushing their people, and I look like their people... or close enough.  Then again, nowhere is safe.  Not anymore.  Choose your poison.

Well... on to gaming.  They nerfed one of the major bosses, though they have nerfed on both sides of things.  I don't know.  I had a Chinese instructor who, first, failed every single engineer in his engineering calculus class.  Then, when I was in his class, I got like 665 of 693 total points in his class, with homework, quizzes, tests, and the final.  The next was a 560, the rest were mostly in the 330 to 360 ranges, with a few in the 260 range.  He gave EVERYBODY a B or higher.  Asshole.  They sent him back to fucking China, where he belonged.  He had a really attitude about Americans.  I was surprised they bombed him, but... all good.  Still.  That is what this feels like.  Either failing everyone, or passing everyone with a higher grade.  Assholes.

Anyway... on to it.  Have a good day, or... night.  And maybe goodnight.  What little I did today has pretty much worn me out.  Might be able to sleep earlier.  Or not.  Later, or goodnight.  And... in spite of my foul tongue to page, amen.

To town.

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A fax, for business.  May be too late, will see.  Then, to shopping.  I had enough in my account to do the first grocery shopping of the month.  And, since I was in town... check.  Hopefully, I can get something together, for dinner, tonight.  Oh, and I did find goat milk.  It was... quite interesting.  A lot less carbs than bovine, but strangely sweeter and gamier.  I liked it.  Reminds me of how cow milk used to taste?  Yes, before they drove it to being nearly clinically clean.

Saw a gal, who was... quite... interested.  Younger than... but not a baby.  Clean, neat, a little extra, but just.  I... could see that.  I may be back.  Something... about her.  I'll see if there is more than just something.  Time will tell.

I did buy turnips and rutabaga, plus cabbage and veggies.  I am thinking a nice pork roast, with veggies, and those veggies too.  And cabbage.  Oh, and cabbage balls.  It will just be a mixed pot thing.  Windy, dark, but warmer out there.

Ah, and the young one was over.  He was switching the mower to the mower deck, took off the plow blade.  Gotta get ready for the world of growing things.  And... he is in love.  I am absolutely pleased.  He showed me her picture today.  I am well pleased.  Talking, a lot.  That is what their dates are.  Movies, sometimes.  Perhaps a meal.  But, mostly talking.

I am not great with these things.  I just know, they could use someone good on their side, in these times.  And, I think he is a good guy, with a solid head on his shoulders.  I did advise, they may well break up... several times before marriage.  *grins*  I told him not to worry, but to... go back on bended knee.  If she is a good woman, do it.  Just... eat humble pie, eat crow, and make it right.

Anyway...  I best get to things.  Sassy is hungry, chores need doing, I need food.  And... such.  Have a great day.  Later. 

Awake. Time.

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Not to bed until nearly five.  Up at... eleven, almost on the dot.  Trash barrel has been brought back in.  Recycling hasn't been picked up.  May not be?  Never can be sure.  Sassy has been fed, and her litter cleared.

Business, today.  Something needs faxed.  Always something.  But, that will happen soon.  Dressed, as if I mean it.  Dark outside, but already up to 62.  It was 66 upstairs, 65 in this front room, and 70 in the main.  But... I turned the furnace up, and forgot to shut it off last night.  Still, when 70 is well warm enough, things have changed.

Breakfast, but need to get the water going.  Then, a few things.  Chores, but need to do some waterers first.  Oh, I need to clean up my shave.  I really missed some areas.  Mostly just the right side of my face, along the sideburn area.  How do I do that?  Bleh.  I'll... get that and give the whole face a refresher... just a single pass, if I hit that one area twice.  Hate that.

Well, on to my day.  Good morning, day, and else, as you please.  Amen.

Well, most of it.

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A shower, and shave too.  Just letting my hair dry a bit before taking the last bag of trash out.  I got it, and recycling, ready to go.  Even bagged everything back up... ready for this new week.

I am thinking, as I near catching back up with my last 'toon, I can start backing off a bit.  Hitting a boss every few days.  Exploring and going back over old ground missed in the rush to catch up.  Though much of it was missed with my first 'toon too.  You can... only just do so much.  And the game has so very much.

A bit more leveling, as well.  But, taking my foot off the accelerator, and trying to get back to life a bit more.  Trying.  About another hour.  Sure, I'd... like to be in bed right now.  But I... have to let the hair dry, and then get trash and recycling out, and to the curb.

I did check the temp, either 50 or 52, last I checked, about an hour ago?  Really?  Two nights ago, and on back, it was still getting down to freezing at night!  What a change.  Goodnight.

Not much.

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Trash is mostly out.  A bag remains?  And recycling, just in case, if only one bag total is available for that.  A shower is still on the menu.  As is food.  Haven't eaten much today.  Hungry, and, yet, not.  I may see about salad.  I really did well with the dressings.  Would like to try other dressings, in time... again.

The game has been better.  I have used what I learned the first time through, in order to really hit things better.  Usually.  My sneak through, to get beyond a boss I had trouble defeating the first time, did work.  Though, to be honest, I think I can beat that boss, now that I know how.  I just... wanted to do it.

I am nearly back to where I was.  Though, too, I have learned that, possibly, the quests I thought were dead, simply hadn't been added to the game yet.  Which means, the people posting about how to do it?  Are mostly like devs, or people working for them.  They are putting how to vids out before it is even available in-game.  Pretty sad.

Lots of problems with the game.  Lag.  Some of it is created, by the game, if it doesn't think you should be at that step/place, at your level, or just because.  There is more happening in the game than what it seems.  Not just a game.  I think they are attempting to gather data, use the game-play as a computer.  To solve problems.  But, they don't like them solved other than how they prefer it.  So, if you break the rules, or do a different system, the game doesn't play nicely with you.  There are often several ways to solve things, but, if you try a novel way, it either won't work, or will be brutal.

On the good side, there is some point when you actually do level beyond some areas.  That is truly annoying, when they keep even starter areas up with you.  This game does level the area, with you, to a point.  But, when you get beyond, to another point, it weakens the initial areas.  That... was annoying, in most such games.  At fifty levels, the starter area really shouldn't be difficult.  Not that they can't kill you, but they shouldn't be able to with modest effort.  Plus, revenge.  Good to go back and clear and sort some things, and go over areas you couldn't at one time... but this time with an edge.  It is nice.

Anyway... yes, a shower and shave.  But a salad first, and a movie.  I try a few each week.  Most just get dumped.  PC crap just isn't interesting.  And, really, I don't have blacks in my life, and no interest in seeing them on the screen.  They are always the kind, caring, sacrificial colored that doesn't exist in real life.  Sad, really.  And there are other types of shows I won't watch.  The 90 pound woman who takes on Bruce Lee.  Well, actually, that is probably more practical than the 90 pounder trying to take on someone my size.  My backhand could take some men's lives.  A 90 pound women would be good to wake in a week, should I put slight effort into it.  No, having been in the military doesn't change a thing.  I have a female cousin, who has been granted "ranger" status.  Guarantee, she can't take a man.  Ask her ex.  Just... don't go there.  Bad for business.

Awake?

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Down at 1:00, or so, up at 09:30... nearly.  Bleary eyed, sleepy head, and such.  But awake.  If I can stay awake.  So tired.

A shower, shave?  Breakfast first.  I may put the trash out, see if they will pick it up.  Oh... well... most of it is out, but... they aren't picking it up.  I thought it was Monday.  I guarantee they don't pick up on Sundays.  Well, one more bag to go.  I'll do that in a bit, and clear anything behind it.  And get recycling out.

So very tired.

I did call mom yesterday.  She's... doing.  It's cooler then, and windy.  Surprisingly, we are hitting the 70's before they.  Oh, it is already 55 or so out there.  I put up a new thermometer, for out there.  Left the old one up.  But... it is... being weird.  There is now an air bubble in it's line, so the reading is... off.  The new one is just hard to read.  I'll... have to figure it out, as I did the last one.

It was 64/65 upstairs, with windows and door open, and furnace off.  It is 69 downstairs, with windows still shut.  I have things to do.  I need to try on dress shoes, dress pants, and some things.  So I can get what doesn't fit, or isn't like, back.  I haven't been up to it, and it almost got forgotten.  Working on things, slowly.  These things mean a shower needs to be had, shave optional.  But I don't try on clothes without being freshly washed.

On to... life.  Oh, had eggs and the last chop last night.  Pan fried, all, and it was quite good.  That is how to get a chop crisp.  Cook it on the grill, then just fry it.  No breading or such needed.  Although... I would add a bit more salt, both while grilling, then when frying.  Pretty bland if you go stingy with the salt.  Wouldn't salt everything I eat that heavily, but some things need it.

Well, back on to life.  Later.