Awake at the time I was hoping.

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Perhaps just a bit early.  The goal was 3:00, I was up, perhaps, twenty to?  Or so.  Sassy was fed first thing.  She has been only getting a can a day, as I have been pushing days and nights around.  Which is fine, mostly.  Just, usually two days a week she gets an extra half can for those days.  It's probably been... a while... since she has really gotten extra.

Her litter was cleared, first thing.  And her water was refreshed.  Not daily, lately, but at least every other day.  Which really is enough.  Only, I prefer to be more on top of it.  I keep thinking her litter box will be an absolute mess, but it just never is.  I'm remember back when I might miss it for a week.  Two days just isn't much of a mess these days.  Even so, I try to do daily diligence.

Far from perfect.

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Working with this flesh is like trying to work with a really old computer.  Even if everything works as was designed, which it may likely not, the clock-speed, memory, bandwidth, from a '90's desktop?  Just doesn't cut it.  If it is all you have, you... learn to use it as it is able to be used.  You don't try to use it as modern machines are used.  Within the limits.  So... perfection isn't possible.

Then again, perfection was never possible.  There is that.  Even a new machine is flawed.  If nothing else than because of the user, methods, logic problems, bugs, even "features".  Perfection is not for this form, in this time.  We were given the bible, Christ, hope, faith, and charity, after deciding we knew better.  Choose wisely, just don't expect perfection.

Time flies when it's working as it should?

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At least, if one is still in recovery?

Not doing much.  Did get burgers cooked.  It was 25 F outside, so below freezing.  I'm always amazed to see how much traffic there is out there so early in the morning.  Long haul truckers?  That I get.  They have to drive when they can.  If an unloading takes too long?  Their schedule will slip.  If they have to wait in a long line to pick up a load, so too their schedule will slip.  But regular cars and trucks?

There is that.

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While I am still feeling exhausted, and easily over extend by doing very little?  My blood pressure and pulse are... pretty good.  At 118/80, with a pulse of 72, it's not bad.  The pulse might be a little low.  That could be some of the problem?  Though, just three days ago it was 158/110, with a pulse around 85?  Strange that it would drop so much, in such a short amount of time.  Especially since I haven't change medicine.  Mostly.  Well, actually, I... dropped dosage, on the medicine that causes... problems.  I was, perhaps, being overdosed?

Burger patties have been formed.  I am catching up on water.  I like having three half gallon jugs full, the r.o. carafe full, and the reservoir for the next run on that full.  Filling the carafe now.  Afterward will pull the carafe and fill the reservoir for the next run.

Half way.

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To survival.  Whatever I did, I stabilized the heart.  It is no longer thumping like a mostly dead fish, tossed to a riverbank after half an hour.  Regular, solid, well paced, heartbeat.  That's... a start.  Was it food, getting trash out, some of it, the worst of it?  Was it pushing?  A bit of each?  I can't be sure.

But, now?  Doing almost anything completely exhausts me.  Still, I went through some laundry baskets, after making the bed this morning.  I pushed to a 1:00 wakeup.  I wasn't going to feed Sassy first thing, but she begged.  So, fed she was.  I had to take a break.  Am on the break.  Will be on the break for another hour, or two.

Pushing to stay awake.

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It's just a bit after ten.  Trying to make it to 13:00~15:00, though today I'll try to go lighter, get to bed earlier.  I pushed really hard yesterday, almost got stuck in insomnia.

On the good side, a bit of food and painkillers helped.  I've been rather miserable.  The heart hurt, the neck, shoulders, ribs.  Why I can't quite be certain.  As mentioned, doing a bit better now.

Awake, but in rough shape.

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I've been awake for an hour and an half already.  I had to push to stay in bed, but did until 1:00.  So, eight hours down?  A difficult task staying down that last hour.  Finally gave up.  Heart is having trouble.  Not sure what the problem is.  I really need a blood test, to look things over.  Too much potassium?  Too little?  Or... some other problem?  Or... I am simply running out of time?

Some water.  Then some coffee?  Yeah.  It sprinkling out there, so working on the grill is possible, but cooking maybe not?  Fine.  I'd like to get the griddle cleared, cleaned, and seasoned a bit.  Then just cover it until the rain stops.  Well, sprinkling.  It's not coming down hard or fast.  Just drops, here and there.

Ouch.

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Up way later then planned.  At 16:52, I am almost two hours beyond plans... hopes actually.  I had no plans to actually be awake until 15:00.  Just some whack hope with no real possibility?  Or... so I thought.  Oh, but everything hurts.

Hopefully, when I wake, the burger will be thawed.  Hungry to my hollow heart.  Hollow?  Well, it hurts like it has been hollowed.  To a degree, hollowed right out of my chest.  Neck, shoulders, ribs, lungs, heart.  Yea.  Bedtime.

I don't mind.  Oh... painkillers, before I sleep.  A handful.  I should take medicine, as this is almost when I should be waking up.  But I... just... can't.  It'll have to wait.  Goodnight.

Up late.

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Pushing.  Shoving.  Moving along, little doggies.  It's to 11:50.  I don't think I made it to nine yesterday morning?  And, was up later yesterday than... in a while.  So this is a real breakout.  Not done yet.  Hoping to make it to 13:00... 14:00... just maybe 15:00.  Or not.  I may crash in ten.  Can never be certain after a certain point.  I am well past that point.

Coffee.  But, this time, real rather than freeze dried.  The other stuff hasn't been setting well with me lately.  But I've kept using it because... I didn't have the energy to do more.  This time, more was done.  French press had to be cleaned.  Ugh.  It's stainless, all around, so that isn't difficult.  But... yeah...  I cleaned the coffee out first thing this time.  I didn't realize old coffee and grounds could smell so horrible.  Now I know.  But it really did clean up very... relatively... easily.

Are you a believer?

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Which... set of beliefs do you put your faith in, is the real question.  If you... don't know, in the secular plain, perhaps you would like to see a few possibilities?

Pushing the clock.

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Trying.  A bit confused... the clocks?  Ah... that time of year?  So... after a bit of reconsideration?  Up at around 20:00.  It was 48 out there, when I woke half an hour ago.  Fed Sassy.  But she was still hungry.  So I fed her again.  It's a rare thing, that she begs after having eaten.  So, when she does, I... add a bit more.  I do it for myself, if food wasn't enough... on rare occasions.  Why wouldn't I do so for her?

Someone is really digging into some of my, if more recent, blogs.  Need to sense various aspects of love.  The hard, gritty, parts, on to the parts which are beyond the senses, nearly.  The... joining part.  Not even necessarily the physical, though that was in there.  But the... changes that happen, when a man and woman truly become one.  I honestly don't think, if you ever go there, you can ever not be there.  Divorce doesn't change it.  Not even death will erase that.  It does complicate life, though.  Makes me truly believe we were made to be together for life.

Hmm, well?

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Still awake at nearing eight?  Trying to push on around.  If that is possible.  Warmth helps.  Last night, at nearly midnight, it was still 50 outside.  This morning it is only 44 (which is... comparatively to recent temps, quite warm).  It is probably only that cool because it is sprinkling.  Did it rain?  Or has it just been, more just begun, sprinkling?  I would guess the latter.  There just isn't a lot of moisture out there.

I did get out for food.  Had to eat something.  Not the best, but food, sometimes, is food.  And, sometimes, any food would do.  Any... food.

Showers are wonderful things.

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Long, hot, feet to brows, clean white and neat, mostly.  Hungry, but I don't think I will end up eating.  Just... too much work.  I might pull some meat out to thaw tonight.  If I can.  Did get a load of darks going, in the laundry.  I am definitely hungry.  Might have to do something about that.

I've been sitting, in this chair, for weeks.  No gaming, a few times out but only because of pressing business, appointments, or such.  Even then, I have missed almost as much as I have made.  Skipped a day, or week.  You know.

Being clean is wonderful though.  I'll say that right out there.  And warm.  I wash with... hotter water than most could take.  You'll burn in this hot of water, most of you.  Scalding.  At least 120 F?  I would guess, that or warmer at times.  I'm... not normal.

Sassy has had her third feeding for the night.  Lucky to be a cat?  I cleared her litter.  Thought it was going to be in much worse condition, but it was... an easy task actually.  I'll refresh her water before long.  I did it a day and an half ago, so have let it tank a bit long.  Still, it's pretty good.  I do check.

Well... on to something.  Just wanted to... brag a bit.  A shower might not be much to you, but it is a really fine thing for me.  Later.

Awake?

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Mostly.  Up around 18:00.  Forty five minutes later and I'm still so very groggy.

A she.

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But... who... is the other one?

I see her, if I don't know her.  Or... well... yes, I suppose I do see why.

A few stories, should you be awake.

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Is a story true?  Do we have all the facts?  I... will never know.  Even the stories I tell, there are things I didn't know, or didn't mention.  Some of those things are very important.  But I can't know everything, and some things get lost, in time.  So, when another tells a tale, I assume there are things unknown to the teller.  Or things not tendered for... various reasons.

War.  It's... the shortest one word version of history.  I have written and said that before.  I do believe it to be true.  The first blow was struck against God's will.  Then Cain struck the next major blow.  Things have only gotten worse since.  And, not just among men.  Whether from mans' actions, or through the loss of graces, animals sometimes hunt us.

Well... awake again.

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It was 20:30?  And 41 F out there?  Very strange.  As well, 64 upstairs... at least near me.  Very warm, as it has been more like 57, and that was warm.  Up from a low of 51.  The temps are jumping, inside and out.

Difficult.  To wake.  To sleep.  Not doing either all that well.  Hmm, best check with the VA.  I have eye and general appointments coming up.  Have to make sure masks are still not required.  They made sure to let us know they can bring those back any time they want.  I'll just have to cancel, and get eye done locally.  And skip medicine again.

Wasn't even sure how to tell?

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I know if the bike has stock front springs and rear shock, those will need to be adjusted, immediately.  But, more, in short order, will need to be change.  On-road driving, mostly, shouldn't be a problem.  Assuming no potholes or irregularities.  But, even a bit of off-road and bottoming out will become an issue quickly.

This first video is how to change the front springs.  Will this be enough?  That I can't say.  Well, I can say, alone, they wouldn't be enough.  Of course, some things were done to the bike already.  This might be one of them?  I'll be able to tell easily, now that I know what I am dealing with.

Couldn't sleep.

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Couldn't wake up, either.  Warm?  Too warm?  I finally got up around 22:00.  Just here at 00:50 I checked the temp outside.  It is 45?  That... has been the high, during the day, lately.  So, yes.  It's just too warm, strangely warm.  I had gotten used to it being cold.  A quick flip in the other direction and... I have trouble sleeping... and waking.  Ugh.

I paid most of the utility bill.  I must have... lost track.  It got up to a pretty high number.  I paid two thirds of it this month, and will pay the rest next month.  As well, I paid of the credit card I used for monthly orders, then made my monthly purchase.  Mostly... all... bike related.

It's always about the weather?

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It's already 7:32.  Last time I checked it was 30 outside.  Not... as cold as it has gotten.  If not warm.  Freezing, for a fact.  And cold enough to have frozen things fairly well, left to that tender chill.  Yes, cold, really.  Nearing bedtime.  Why was I awake so late?  Then again, I didn't wake up until rather late.

I espied a vid that... called me closer.  A response?  It almost looks like it.  But how?  Not, obviously, from a woman in my dreams.  But... do women even still visit?  Anyone?  I... can't be certain.  If, one does, or several, I could see this being, from one of them, for reasons I don't completely get.