.
.
But not today, the work is over until Monday. I have done a great deal of work, if it does not look like it on the surface. A piece at a time, clothes are being sorted, packed, or washed and put away… or considered. Guns, ammunition, camping equipment, and various other items are being sorted. And the house is getting a touch here and there. I even went out to check my accounts and wash my vehicle. I wanted to see if I had enough money to clear my debts and take on a new one, for a computer. I realize if I want some things to happen, I will need to have a secure computer before I move. Though I want more guns, being secure business wise and for personal reasons is vital. The reason for this is that while checking one of my credit card accounts, I had to really work to get my password to work. Beyond that, I found that some of my contact information had been changed. For example, the email address was changed to an AOL account. I do not have an AOL account. This insecurity is becoming dangerous. I believe I will be able to do get a computer. It does tighten finances a great deal, and puts a card out of commission, but at this point in time choices are more slim than dollars.
I will be ready for bed when I can relax enough to sleep. I will hang up or fold the laundry in the dryer, dry the clothes in the washer and hang or fold those, and maybe take care of the dishes from today. It is so good to be busy and successful. Hmm, I might even have some time for my game. Maybe not, I am getting tired. So many things yet to do, so many calls to place, and so many loose ends. Things on my buy list are growing and my dollars are shrinking. I have faith it will all work out well enough, though. I think I can do this and in a timely, practical, and sane fashion. I have to try and keep on track, keep my head about me (especially regarding money), and take things as they come.
I hope you are able to take care of your own situations, complications, and such. I have to believe faith, if one can hold onto it, is instrumental. Hope is right there with it. And, I think, love in the deeper sense ties it all together nicely. Well, that is all I have to offer, when I remember to offer it, to you and to what must be done. I think it is enough. Done right, it is all that is required.
Good night.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Lots of work.
.
.
The work is larger than my thoughts could have imagined. There is no way I will finish by today. There are more things to think about, more little pieces to deal with, and more actual labor than what I had imagined. I am doing extra things without skipping a beat, though. It only takes a few minutes to put a load of laundry in, or take a little break and do a bit of cleaning here or there. I did not become distracted when I realized how big and complex the job is going to end up being, either. That surprised me a bit. I know, now, I will be able to make my Mom’s visit comfortable and easy. Hopefully she can just be the brain, or at least see that things are going well enough that she will only do light labor. She is a workaholic and even physical problems do not seem to slow her down when she sets her mind to something. Still, I would like to surprise her and keep her stay simple.
I got the spots out! Yes, I suppose some of you know the trick, or think nothing of it. But spots have been my bane for some time. I may have figured out how to deal with spots, finally, as well. Spot treat, wash two or three times (in cold water), then tumble dry and check. Rinse and repeat as necessary. It is not that I tried to get spots out, it is only that I have learned to notice and hate them. As well, I have a load in the washer and dryer, and several loads in waiting. Much of it was clean, but I had not been folding and hanging things up properly, so I am rewashing them.
Piece by piece, an item at a time, the room is coming together. It looks worse now than it did to begin with, but that seems to often be the case. It peaked in it’s cluttered look about an hour ago, it can only get better from here on, if with a backstep or two from time to time in the process. I truly enjoy this. I will sleep so well in that room when this is done. I would like to have that feeling in each room as I finish each one. It is sort of like blessing each room, giving my thought and muscle and mind to creating order. I really hope I can do this more in the next place I live, or more often I should say. One of the things I will do, any place I move, is try to set up my place with an eye to ease of strip cleaning rooms. I will also have a few pieces of equipment which will help move furniture and other large items. I have a few tools for that, but I am looking for more tools.
My mother called this morning. It seems she did the same thing I did yesterday, airing her house and leaving the furnace off only to wake to a chilly house. We were both in very good moods and the conversation was very uplifting for both of us, pushing us on to even better days. I hope she looks more forward to the visit knowing I am working as I am. She will not need to be as much of a task master or work so hard, or that is the plan. Though, knowing me as both of us do, neither of us is holding our breath if we are also both a bit more hopeful.
Bit by bit, one job, topic, object, and action at a time. I guess that is life, with or without the more complicated aspects of life like moving. But moving and such does add to that. I best make a call or three Monday or Tuesday regarding finding a rental, my auto, and finding a rug cleaner. Hopefully I can keep this up for a week or two. Have a good day.
.
The work is larger than my thoughts could have imagined. There is no way I will finish by today. There are more things to think about, more little pieces to deal with, and more actual labor than what I had imagined. I am doing extra things without skipping a beat, though. It only takes a few minutes to put a load of laundry in, or take a little break and do a bit of cleaning here or there. I did not become distracted when I realized how big and complex the job is going to end up being, either. That surprised me a bit. I know, now, I will be able to make my Mom’s visit comfortable and easy. Hopefully she can just be the brain, or at least see that things are going well enough that she will only do light labor. She is a workaholic and even physical problems do not seem to slow her down when she sets her mind to something. Still, I would like to surprise her and keep her stay simple.
I got the spots out! Yes, I suppose some of you know the trick, or think nothing of it. But spots have been my bane for some time. I may have figured out how to deal with spots, finally, as well. Spot treat, wash two or three times (in cold water), then tumble dry and check. Rinse and repeat as necessary. It is not that I tried to get spots out, it is only that I have learned to notice and hate them. As well, I have a load in the washer and dryer, and several loads in waiting. Much of it was clean, but I had not been folding and hanging things up properly, so I am rewashing them.
Piece by piece, an item at a time, the room is coming together. It looks worse now than it did to begin with, but that seems to often be the case. It peaked in it’s cluttered look about an hour ago, it can only get better from here on, if with a backstep or two from time to time in the process. I truly enjoy this. I will sleep so well in that room when this is done. I would like to have that feeling in each room as I finish each one. It is sort of like blessing each room, giving my thought and muscle and mind to creating order. I really hope I can do this more in the next place I live, or more often I should say. One of the things I will do, any place I move, is try to set up my place with an eye to ease of strip cleaning rooms. I will also have a few pieces of equipment which will help move furniture and other large items. I have a few tools for that, but I am looking for more tools.
My mother called this morning. It seems she did the same thing I did yesterday, airing her house and leaving the furnace off only to wake to a chilly house. We were both in very good moods and the conversation was very uplifting for both of us, pushing us on to even better days. I hope she looks more forward to the visit knowing I am working as I am. She will not need to be as much of a task master or work so hard, or that is the plan. Though, knowing me as both of us do, neither of us is holding our breath if we are also both a bit more hopeful.
Bit by bit, one job, topic, object, and action at a time. I guess that is life, with or without the more complicated aspects of life like moving. But moving and such does add to that. I best make a call or three Monday or Tuesday regarding finding a rental, my auto, and finding a rug cleaner. Hopefully I can keep this up for a week or two. Have a good day.
I am on a roll.
.
.
Two days of function is not actually a roll. But that is not the point. I awoke at about 8:30 this morning. And though it was rather cool, 62 F, I merely checked that the windows were closed and then turned on the furnace. I had aired the house yesterday. It was a nice touch and it did not fall below 68 F until after I went to bed. I did close the windows last night before I went to bed but I did not turn on the furnace. The fresh air was very nice, I will do that again today if it gets warm enough. After an hour of waking, eating, and checking my email, I finally felt ready.
I began working in the bedroom. I am simply sorting clothes at the moment. Keepers, a repair pile, and that which will be given away. Some things are borderline. I despise having to think about things, wishing it was all crystal clear. More than one teacher has indicated that it is all in the details. Stupid teachers, bother that they can be right! I may have the room figured out by this evening, but being that it is a holiday weekend and that I will not work on Sunday, dismantling the bed, washing the walls, and wet cleaning the carpet will wait until the next business day. I think it will be ready when it is time. I should be able to hit the hallway while I am at it. Though it would be nice to get the front room as well, I do not think that is possible. I only have the necessary space to vacate one room at a time.
I cannot be sure my surge will last. As a surfer knows though, when the wave hits, ride it for what it is worth. I will do the laundry one last time this morning, thaw a roast for supper tomorrow, and detail the kitchen and bathroom, along with my work in the bedroom. Tomorrow, my roast beef dinner or late lunch will be a much deserved treat. I will eat it in a neat place, well aired out, and with fewer worries plaguing my mind. I will eat it having worked toward my goals. And, I will be thankful.
Oh, sorry about the dull posts. It is all I have to offer, at the moment. Though I am able to function, I still suffer a bit from exhaustion. That I am able to work through it does not mean I am fully able to override it. My blogging is more to keep me on track, give me an outlet, allow me to order things a bit, and as a personal incentive to keep going. Getting rid of witnesses might be a thought, but what if one is one’s own witness? Meh, I’ll get him too. :p
.
Two days of function is not actually a roll. But that is not the point. I awoke at about 8:30 this morning. And though it was rather cool, 62 F, I merely checked that the windows were closed and then turned on the furnace. I had aired the house yesterday. It was a nice touch and it did not fall below 68 F until after I went to bed. I did close the windows last night before I went to bed but I did not turn on the furnace. The fresh air was very nice, I will do that again today if it gets warm enough. After an hour of waking, eating, and checking my email, I finally felt ready.
I began working in the bedroom. I am simply sorting clothes at the moment. Keepers, a repair pile, and that which will be given away. Some things are borderline. I despise having to think about things, wishing it was all crystal clear. More than one teacher has indicated that it is all in the details. Stupid teachers, bother that they can be right! I may have the room figured out by this evening, but being that it is a holiday weekend and that I will not work on Sunday, dismantling the bed, washing the walls, and wet cleaning the carpet will wait until the next business day. I think it will be ready when it is time. I should be able to hit the hallway while I am at it. Though it would be nice to get the front room as well, I do not think that is possible. I only have the necessary space to vacate one room at a time.
I cannot be sure my surge will last. As a surfer knows though, when the wave hits, ride it for what it is worth. I will do the laundry one last time this morning, thaw a roast for supper tomorrow, and detail the kitchen and bathroom, along with my work in the bedroom. Tomorrow, my roast beef dinner or late lunch will be a much deserved treat. I will eat it in a neat place, well aired out, and with fewer worries plaguing my mind. I will eat it having worked toward my goals. And, I will be thankful.
Oh, sorry about the dull posts. It is all I have to offer, at the moment. Though I am able to function, I still suffer a bit from exhaustion. That I am able to work through it does not mean I am fully able to override it. My blogging is more to keep me on track, give me an outlet, allow me to order things a bit, and as a personal incentive to keep going. Getting rid of witnesses might be a thought, but what if one is one’s own witness? Meh, I’ll get him too. :p
Friday, April 10, 2009
A very long and fruitful day.
.
.
Though I woke up, napped, and re-awoke, I did finally start my day at about 6:30… I think. No, it must have been a bit earlier, as I took my lady friend to breakfast… Perhaps 5:00 or 5:30 was the final wake up time. Or, was that yesterday. It is so late I am unsure, though both could technically be true. I did make it to my favorite cooking supply store. They did not have what I was looking for, but they had some fantastic prices on Le Creuset. Too bad I am broke for anything but what I am looking for. Though I do not think they had the sizes in the type of cookware I am looking for anyway. They do not carry blenders at all, so I am stuck with internet ordering. I have learned to call and ensure the items are available. It has taken several, many, months to get orders otherwise. I did not complete my research, regarding a gift, as I was so tired that I lost track of my objectives toward the end. It is nothing that cannot be remedied.
I went to one of my favorite smoker, a barbecue place, and ordered a beef brisket sandwich. I asked for one with a little more fat. Do you realize some people want their beef lean to the exclusion of even the appearance of fat! Ha! Though my blood pressure and diabetes seem to be a problem, my cholesterol is fantastic and my good cholesterol is divine. In spite of (according to doctors, but I think it is actually because) I drink 2 gallons of whole milk, a pound (or more) of butter (no light gunk), and as much beef, pork, and whatnot meats (to include the fat) as I can each week. A whole large chuck roast is a three meal deal for me. Add in potatoes (with butter and sour cream), some green vegetable (with butter), and a quart of milk, and… yeah, that is a meal. The only reason I am not 400 pounds is dirty dishes. *sigh* I long to gain that extra meal time. Well, truth be told, I eat more like a snake, once in a while that is. I just eat, well when I eat, no set meal times and such. Miss a day, fine, miss two days, I get a little grumbly, miss three days not on your life. Back to it. I also ordered a pulled pork sandwich for later consumption. I should have ordered two of each but I was well satisfied with what was ordered and eaten so that is all good.
My rifle was in. It is safe and sound here in the cave. It is not much of a looker. I just hope it functions well in any case. I will have to see how well it does work before too long. I do not think I would order another of this type though, assuming it functions well, I do not mind having one like it. It is a bit more maneuverable, lighter, and certain aspects about it are a bit heartier. I had a great conversation with the guys at the shop. It was worth just stopping in. I also noted that they carry new and used firearms as well. I had not been there before. They had two Springfield tactical (5” barreled) XD’s in .45 acp. They both had desert coloration. I want a black tactical, or I would have seriously considered picking one up. I did not go near their rifle rack. I have to keep on track. A pistol, maybe, a good rifle… out of my range. It hurts to look at what I cannot yet have.
I always enjoy a visit to the neighbors. The talks are good. I enjoy their children, even if they are usually shooed downstairs or to bed so the adults may talk and enjoy some peer time. I think they are mostly children oriented, so a little company provides a sanity check and personal relation nourishment. I feel like a part of the family and just really revel in it. I brought a drink mix (non-alcoholic) and they bought a cake and had ice cream. It was just fun. We also watched a movie. I was able, for the most part, to be quiet and just watch. Maybe I am becoming better able to hold my tongue. It is not all that bad of a thing, I am thinking. We will have to grill, go fishing, or something soon. Yes, that would be good.
This is the longest day I have enjoyed in a month, maybe more! I got much done. I even called the auto company but they are closed for the holiday. Oh, and I finished the final wash, but I think I will wash the shirts again in the morning. Those stains really annoy me. There was something else I completed today as well, something on my recent to-do list. As it is getting late, my mind is slowly shutting down and details are becoming lost in the haze. I hope to get started on my bedroom tomorrow, if I am not paying too high of a price for today. Only time will tell. I would really like to rip the room apart, pull everything out, and steam clean the whole area, and have it dried, some things packed, sorted, washed, or given to Goodwill before my mother arrives. Or, really, maybe before the weekend is finished. We will see. It will be done as soon as I can.
Goodnight.
.
Though I woke up, napped, and re-awoke, I did finally start my day at about 6:30… I think. No, it must have been a bit earlier, as I took my lady friend to breakfast… Perhaps 5:00 or 5:30 was the final wake up time. Or, was that yesterday. It is so late I am unsure, though both could technically be true. I did make it to my favorite cooking supply store. They did not have what I was looking for, but they had some fantastic prices on Le Creuset. Too bad I am broke for anything but what I am looking for. Though I do not think they had the sizes in the type of cookware I am looking for anyway. They do not carry blenders at all, so I am stuck with internet ordering. I have learned to call and ensure the items are available. It has taken several, many, months to get orders otherwise. I did not complete my research, regarding a gift, as I was so tired that I lost track of my objectives toward the end. It is nothing that cannot be remedied.
I went to one of my favorite smoker, a barbecue place, and ordered a beef brisket sandwich. I asked for one with a little more fat. Do you realize some people want their beef lean to the exclusion of even the appearance of fat! Ha! Though my blood pressure and diabetes seem to be a problem, my cholesterol is fantastic and my good cholesterol is divine. In spite of (according to doctors, but I think it is actually because) I drink 2 gallons of whole milk, a pound (or more) of butter (no light gunk), and as much beef, pork, and whatnot meats (to include the fat) as I can each week. A whole large chuck roast is a three meal deal for me. Add in potatoes (with butter and sour cream), some green vegetable (with butter), and a quart of milk, and… yeah, that is a meal. The only reason I am not 400 pounds is dirty dishes. *sigh* I long to gain that extra meal time. Well, truth be told, I eat more like a snake, once in a while that is. I just eat, well when I eat, no set meal times and such. Miss a day, fine, miss two days, I get a little grumbly, miss three days not on your life. Back to it. I also ordered a pulled pork sandwich for later consumption. I should have ordered two of each but I was well satisfied with what was ordered and eaten so that is all good.
My rifle was in. It is safe and sound here in the cave. It is not much of a looker. I just hope it functions well in any case. I will have to see how well it does work before too long. I do not think I would order another of this type though, assuming it functions well, I do not mind having one like it. It is a bit more maneuverable, lighter, and certain aspects about it are a bit heartier. I had a great conversation with the guys at the shop. It was worth just stopping in. I also noted that they carry new and used firearms as well. I had not been there before. They had two Springfield tactical (5” barreled) XD’s in .45 acp. They both had desert coloration. I want a black tactical, or I would have seriously considered picking one up. I did not go near their rifle rack. I have to keep on track. A pistol, maybe, a good rifle… out of my range. It hurts to look at what I cannot yet have.
I always enjoy a visit to the neighbors. The talks are good. I enjoy their children, even if they are usually shooed downstairs or to bed so the adults may talk and enjoy some peer time. I think they are mostly children oriented, so a little company provides a sanity check and personal relation nourishment. I feel like a part of the family and just really revel in it. I brought a drink mix (non-alcoholic) and they bought a cake and had ice cream. It was just fun. We also watched a movie. I was able, for the most part, to be quiet and just watch. Maybe I am becoming better able to hold my tongue. It is not all that bad of a thing, I am thinking. We will have to grill, go fishing, or something soon. Yes, that would be good.
This is the longest day I have enjoyed in a month, maybe more! I got much done. I even called the auto company but they are closed for the holiday. Oh, and I finished the final wash, but I think I will wash the shirts again in the morning. Those stains really annoy me. There was something else I completed today as well, something on my recent to-do list. As it is getting late, my mind is slowly shutting down and details are becoming lost in the haze. I hope to get started on my bedroom tomorrow, if I am not paying too high of a price for today. Only time will tell. I would really like to rip the room apart, pull everything out, and steam clean the whole area, and have it dried, some things packed, sorted, washed, or given to Goodwill before my mother arrives. Or, really, maybe before the weekend is finished. We will see. It will be done as soon as I can.
Goodnight.
Phone calls and more.
.
.
I finally made a few phone calls regarding the vehicle. I have not yet received precise enough dialogue to get me to pay the bill. One more call, today, and the decision will be made. Either the vehicle goes back or certain parameters are maintained. I do not wish to pay the large amount if the vehicle will be going back in a week or two because phone calls start coming in again. I could use that money for other things, certainly. I like the vehicle. I do not like it that much.
The house is slowly coming together. My lady friend will not be stopping by this week. She is getting behind and dropping fast. I do not think the sleep apnea device is working as well as it first did or she is not using it. She is still quite tired most of the time, if she is able to work and gets some things done aside from the mandatory items. I snuck up on her though, this morning. I woke up feeling rested and ready. Even if she had not, but partially because she had, brought me breakfast the other day, I thought to show up where she works as she was getting off and offer her breakfast. She had been planning on going to breakfast so it worked out. At least I was out of the house a bit, of my own volition, on my own initiative this week. With her not coming over, I feel like I can dig in on my own. Beside tidying the kitchen and clearing out the bedroom a bit, I have some specific goals for this coming weekend. Yes indeed.
She wanted to read her paper over breakfast, but felt odd about it. I assured her that it was fine. I only wanted to be near someone, I was not interested in conversation. She did go ahead and read, if she was surprised… perhaps worried, too. I am almost never able to keep silence. Today, I said so little as to almost not have been there. And, to some degree, I was not. I am already gone. I am used to this, it happens every time I ghost, I am not sure if she is ready for that. I am ready to just be quiet for a long time, to rest, and to think… of nothing in particular. Maybe I will find myself out and about in the woods, on a river or lake fishing, climbing a tree or cliff, or at a range. Perhaps my interest in physics, calculus, electricity and it’s doings, statistics, languages, or some other pursuit will find me at studies. I do not know, though I have some doubts. As long as I am comfortable and relatively safe, with personal legal recourse should it be required, I will be fine.
I finished up my grocery shopping after breakfast. There are always a few things that do not make it to the note or which I forget anyway. I need to be out and about for something else today, the rifle (and to take a tea jar (leaks) back). I might have lunch while I am out, and look around my favorite cooking supply store as well. I would like to find a solid, long term, gallon sized (maybe larger), iced tea jar, or two. And, I have decided to get a few going away presents for some friends. I will do some investigating tonight, perhaps. More on that later. I have a specific item in mind for two different people. I have dug into the ins and outs of the particular item and have found a suitably handsome, top rated (by function, though form is not missing), subject for the gifts. Now to see if it is still needed. The other gift is from my personal collection, and I believe it will be appreciated while I am doubly assured it is unique.
Well, time to make some calls, figure out where to go first, then when, and to get going. Oh, and a batch of shirts are getting (hopefully) the spots washed out of them. I am going to wash them all three times, one time down, in cold, spot treating between washes if I can find the spots, and then into the drier they will go. I will fuss only so much and then I will quit. Perhaps I ought to buy another shirt or three. This time, I think, 100% cotton. Poly-cotton has it’s advantages, stain removal is not among them. Good day.
.
I finally made a few phone calls regarding the vehicle. I have not yet received precise enough dialogue to get me to pay the bill. One more call, today, and the decision will be made. Either the vehicle goes back or certain parameters are maintained. I do not wish to pay the large amount if the vehicle will be going back in a week or two because phone calls start coming in again. I could use that money for other things, certainly. I like the vehicle. I do not like it that much.
The house is slowly coming together. My lady friend will not be stopping by this week. She is getting behind and dropping fast. I do not think the sleep apnea device is working as well as it first did or she is not using it. She is still quite tired most of the time, if she is able to work and gets some things done aside from the mandatory items. I snuck up on her though, this morning. I woke up feeling rested and ready. Even if she had not, but partially because she had, brought me breakfast the other day, I thought to show up where she works as she was getting off and offer her breakfast. She had been planning on going to breakfast so it worked out. At least I was out of the house a bit, of my own volition, on my own initiative this week. With her not coming over, I feel like I can dig in on my own. Beside tidying the kitchen and clearing out the bedroom a bit, I have some specific goals for this coming weekend. Yes indeed.
She wanted to read her paper over breakfast, but felt odd about it. I assured her that it was fine. I only wanted to be near someone, I was not interested in conversation. She did go ahead and read, if she was surprised… perhaps worried, too. I am almost never able to keep silence. Today, I said so little as to almost not have been there. And, to some degree, I was not. I am already gone. I am used to this, it happens every time I ghost, I am not sure if she is ready for that. I am ready to just be quiet for a long time, to rest, and to think… of nothing in particular. Maybe I will find myself out and about in the woods, on a river or lake fishing, climbing a tree or cliff, or at a range. Perhaps my interest in physics, calculus, electricity and it’s doings, statistics, languages, or some other pursuit will find me at studies. I do not know, though I have some doubts. As long as I am comfortable and relatively safe, with personal legal recourse should it be required, I will be fine.
I finished up my grocery shopping after breakfast. There are always a few things that do not make it to the note or which I forget anyway. I need to be out and about for something else today, the rifle (and to take a tea jar (leaks) back). I might have lunch while I am out, and look around my favorite cooking supply store as well. I would like to find a solid, long term, gallon sized (maybe larger), iced tea jar, or two. And, I have decided to get a few going away presents for some friends. I will do some investigating tonight, perhaps. More on that later. I have a specific item in mind for two different people. I have dug into the ins and outs of the particular item and have found a suitably handsome, top rated (by function, though form is not missing), subject for the gifts. Now to see if it is still needed. The other gift is from my personal collection, and I believe it will be appreciated while I am doubly assured it is unique.
Well, time to make some calls, figure out where to go first, then when, and to get going. Oh, and a batch of shirts are getting (hopefully) the spots washed out of them. I am going to wash them all three times, one time down, in cold, spot treating between washes if I can find the spots, and then into the drier they will go. I will fuss only so much and then I will quit. Perhaps I ought to buy another shirt or three. This time, I think, 100% cotton. Poly-cotton has it’s advantages, stain removal is not among them. Good day.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
It seems as if all is well.
.
.
My friend came by this morning. She wanted to finish up some of her laundry. It seems there is no problem, so either she got over it or she was never really upset. Though she did call, when she arrived, she saw that the lights were not on so she did not even bother ringing the doorbell or knocking on my window. I have mixed feelings about this, though I think she did the best thing. I might have been quite difficult to wake up. And, as for how I feel about it, I do not worry so long as she is not upset. I deal with my feelings quite well, I do not deal with angering the few friends I have well at all. I am stable, if a bit vulnerable. Hmm, maybe not even that, not quite directly. Friends who have given up just become sad memories. Now, those, I have too many of those already. They haunt me in dreams and during those half awake times.
I finished off the last of the dishes, then made more. Now that meat is back on the menu, boys, I am eating it! Beef and beans for burritos last night and this morning, a thick cut ribeye for lunch, and I am thawing brawts as I speak. I am thinking about practicing meatballs for a good spaghetti meal. I could use pork and beef, mixed with a nice blend of herbs and spices, but I like my beef too much. I hate the idea of adulterating the meat with things like eggs and bread crumbs, but I am curious. Food, good home-made, hot out of the oven, out of the pan, or whatever, is one of my few practical applications and joys. And even the Q.O.D. admits that even when I cook foods which are not to her standards, I cook well enough that even she enjoys it… if she can relax and trust me. Oh, not only was she not angry, she brought over breakfast! She really is sweet often, or, urhm, occasionally. Hehehe
I still have not called, but I am running out of day. I really needed to nap earlier, but then the Q.O.D. arrived. I stay up to enjoy the little company I get. We watched a show, she usually brings over DVDs. Today it was a teen chic flick based around vampirism. I cannot quite remember the name of it, but I guess it is the ‘rage’. It really was not all that bad, but… vegetarian vampires (only ate animals)? Come on! Oh well, it was good enough. And, for the most part, I was able to keep quiet and just enjoy (mostly) it. She has a few things with spots, and asked if I would do it with wash I have. Of course, she had special instructions. Use her (unscented) laundry detergent, I can do that. Use cold water, check. And something else. Hey, 2 out of 3 is as good as it gets. I have some matching shirts, so I will wash all two or three times in the hopes of lifting the spots out of all the shirts. Well, later.
It is nap time, seriously, harshly. Eyes are watering, getting a headache, and it really hurts. Good day, night, whatever.
.
My friend came by this morning. She wanted to finish up some of her laundry. It seems there is no problem, so either she got over it or she was never really upset. Though she did call, when she arrived, she saw that the lights were not on so she did not even bother ringing the doorbell or knocking on my window. I have mixed feelings about this, though I think she did the best thing. I might have been quite difficult to wake up. And, as for how I feel about it, I do not worry so long as she is not upset. I deal with my feelings quite well, I do not deal with angering the few friends I have well at all. I am stable, if a bit vulnerable. Hmm, maybe not even that, not quite directly. Friends who have given up just become sad memories. Now, those, I have too many of those already. They haunt me in dreams and during those half awake times.
I finished off the last of the dishes, then made more. Now that meat is back on the menu, boys, I am eating it! Beef and beans for burritos last night and this morning, a thick cut ribeye for lunch, and I am thawing brawts as I speak. I am thinking about practicing meatballs for a good spaghetti meal. I could use pork and beef, mixed with a nice blend of herbs and spices, but I like my beef too much. I hate the idea of adulterating the meat with things like eggs and bread crumbs, but I am curious. Food, good home-made, hot out of the oven, out of the pan, or whatever, is one of my few practical applications and joys. And even the Q.O.D. admits that even when I cook foods which are not to her standards, I cook well enough that even she enjoys it… if she can relax and trust me. Oh, not only was she not angry, she brought over breakfast! She really is sweet often, or, urhm, occasionally. Hehehe
I still have not called, but I am running out of day. I really needed to nap earlier, but then the Q.O.D. arrived. I stay up to enjoy the little company I get. We watched a show, she usually brings over DVDs. Today it was a teen chic flick based around vampirism. I cannot quite remember the name of it, but I guess it is the ‘rage’. It really was not all that bad, but… vegetarian vampires (only ate animals)? Come on! Oh well, it was good enough. And, for the most part, I was able to keep quiet and just enjoy (mostly) it. She has a few things with spots, and asked if I would do it with wash I have. Of course, she had special instructions. Use her (unscented) laundry detergent, I can do that. Use cold water, check. And something else. Hey, 2 out of 3 is as good as it gets. I have some matching shirts, so I will wash all two or three times in the hopes of lifting the spots out of all the shirts. Well, later.
It is nap time, seriously, harshly. Eyes are watering, getting a headache, and it really hurts. Good day, night, whatever.
A bit more homework.
.
.
I have not yet heard from my friend. Perhaps she is really upset. I called again yesterday. It is the last time I will call about the matter. I also did not make the call to the dealership. I do need to make that call, and I am pretty sure it will be done today. I did finish up the kitchen, cleaning all of the dishes there, though cooking and eating, so another pile of dishes is starting. Meh, I have them soaking now so I think they will be done before much longer this morning. As well, my eye has been wandering around the cave. I am being careful with that wandering, but I think the kitchen and bathroom will get mopped, the bedroom will get a rough touch, some laundry will find itself being washed and dried, and the bedding will be cleaned and the bed made. I do not mind having clean bedding, but I hate a made bed… preferring to burrow in blankets and pillows and the comforter. Although, with the blanket my mother made, I might be able to tolerate the rest of the bed being made, with just that blanket and a comforter or lighter other topper for when it is cold or when I feel the need to feel more secure while sleeping.
My rifle should be arriving soon. Since I will need to go out, I will finish up some of my final grocery shopping. I am, unusually, hungry for chicken. I prefer hindquarters, roasted, along with some vegetables. I have not had steamed fresh spinach for some time. I doubt if I can find good squash, but that would be my preferred second vegetable. Lamb is also on my mind. Then again, I have been without meat, for the most part, recently, as I have been unable to get out and shop. I just purchased a ribeye roast, and had it cut to order. Half of it is 1 ¼ half of it 1 ½ inch. And, 10 pounds of ground chuck plus 2 large chuck roasts. Those are my basic meats. Shrimp (jumbo), lamb chops or roasts, chicken hindquarters, and either tilapia or orange roughy round out my very static preferred meats (hey, fish are meat, call it seafood if you will, I call it meat).
As to packing, I think once my room is in a bit better order, I will start there. I suspect many things will be disappeared. I have little interest in moving everything here. Some clothes need to go away. I suppose I could try to find a seamstress to repair a few things, my lady friend has a friend or three who do that. And, some of the clothes are worth the repair costs. But about half or more of what I have in the clothing department simply need to go away. Either size, wear, or dysfunction make them useless. As well, there are bits and pieces of things that are no longer worth keeping. Some things can be given away, like a paintball gun. I will have to see if the neighbor wants his sons to have such things or not. In any case, someone would want some of these things. Lots of stuff, no current interest, yeah, I will be getting rid of things.
I need to figure out how to overcome my exhaustion, however. My last sleep cycle was from 15:30 to 1:30. That after a great deal of sleep the day before. And nearly as much the day before. I have fought sleeping as much as I am able, but when the mind becomes too sluggish to do simple tasks, the eyes burn, and the pain becomes too great, I cede the field. Caffeine has little affect, perhaps adding an hour per pot of coffee, working only for a few hours. Then again, with those hours comes nausea and a greater sleep time. These phases come and go, this latest phase has been in play for 2 or 3 weeks now. I can never tell how long these phases will last. Though stress does not create the phase, it may deepen and perhaps extend it. That is why I cannot have some nag call me 15 times in three weeks. I just try to keep my life as simple as possible for certain topics, such as finances, shopping, and few others.
I may need to sleep, but I think I will try to push it a few hours to wait for a call. Oh, I need to get the trash out too. A few more hours awake are necessary. What a drag, but… Have a good day.
.
I have not yet heard from my friend. Perhaps she is really upset. I called again yesterday. It is the last time I will call about the matter. I also did not make the call to the dealership. I do need to make that call, and I am pretty sure it will be done today. I did finish up the kitchen, cleaning all of the dishes there, though cooking and eating, so another pile of dishes is starting. Meh, I have them soaking now so I think they will be done before much longer this morning. As well, my eye has been wandering around the cave. I am being careful with that wandering, but I think the kitchen and bathroom will get mopped, the bedroom will get a rough touch, some laundry will find itself being washed and dried, and the bedding will be cleaned and the bed made. I do not mind having clean bedding, but I hate a made bed… preferring to burrow in blankets and pillows and the comforter. Although, with the blanket my mother made, I might be able to tolerate the rest of the bed being made, with just that blanket and a comforter or lighter other topper for when it is cold or when I feel the need to feel more secure while sleeping.
My rifle should be arriving soon. Since I will need to go out, I will finish up some of my final grocery shopping. I am, unusually, hungry for chicken. I prefer hindquarters, roasted, along with some vegetables. I have not had steamed fresh spinach for some time. I doubt if I can find good squash, but that would be my preferred second vegetable. Lamb is also on my mind. Then again, I have been without meat, for the most part, recently, as I have been unable to get out and shop. I just purchased a ribeye roast, and had it cut to order. Half of it is 1 ¼ half of it 1 ½ inch. And, 10 pounds of ground chuck plus 2 large chuck roasts. Those are my basic meats. Shrimp (jumbo), lamb chops or roasts, chicken hindquarters, and either tilapia or orange roughy round out my very static preferred meats (hey, fish are meat, call it seafood if you will, I call it meat).
As to packing, I think once my room is in a bit better order, I will start there. I suspect many things will be disappeared. I have little interest in moving everything here. Some clothes need to go away. I suppose I could try to find a seamstress to repair a few things, my lady friend has a friend or three who do that. And, some of the clothes are worth the repair costs. But about half or more of what I have in the clothing department simply need to go away. Either size, wear, or dysfunction make them useless. As well, there are bits and pieces of things that are no longer worth keeping. Some things can be given away, like a paintball gun. I will have to see if the neighbor wants his sons to have such things or not. In any case, someone would want some of these things. Lots of stuff, no current interest, yeah, I will be getting rid of things.
I need to figure out how to overcome my exhaustion, however. My last sleep cycle was from 15:30 to 1:30. That after a great deal of sleep the day before. And nearly as much the day before. I have fought sleeping as much as I am able, but when the mind becomes too sluggish to do simple tasks, the eyes burn, and the pain becomes too great, I cede the field. Caffeine has little affect, perhaps adding an hour per pot of coffee, working only for a few hours. Then again, with those hours comes nausea and a greater sleep time. These phases come and go, this latest phase has been in play for 2 or 3 weeks now. I can never tell how long these phases will last. Though stress does not create the phase, it may deepen and perhaps extend it. That is why I cannot have some nag call me 15 times in three weeks. I just try to keep my life as simple as possible for certain topics, such as finances, shopping, and few others.
I may need to sleep, but I think I will try to push it a few hours to wait for a call. Oh, I need to get the trash out too. A few more hours awake are necessary. What a drag, but… Have a good day.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
I slept, she steamed.
.
.
I got much of what I wanted done finished yesterday. After sleeping 12 to 14 hours, then waking for a few, and then napping a few more hours and finally feeling rested, I got busy yesterday. I got a haircut and my beard is now trimmed. I could almost pass for a gentleman! I went shopping, picking up most of what I think I will need for my needs and a few wants for some time to come. I then did some house cleaning, if I did not complete that. Then again, do you ever really have your abode as clean as you like it or want it? Well, fine, so I am not even close, so I will not go further with my procrastination speech. I did not, however, make the call. I was tired, again, and thought I would take a nap at about 15:30, only 7 hours after I awoke for the second time.
I thought I would only need a short nap after all that sleep. And, I had my cell phone on the bedstand. The phone ALWAYS wakes me up, often even if it is in the front room. And yet, it did not wake me. I did not wake when my lady friend called to let me know she was arriving. So, she went hungry. I did not wake until 0:30 hours, or so. Even then, I needed more sleep, so after being awake a bit, I went back to bed until 6:30 or so. I think. It is becoming difficult to be sure of anything at the moment.
I guess I will just have to become adjusted to putting up with my infirmity and people are just going to have to understand that my flesh has failed, all but completely in death. I cannot give my word, only that if I am able I will. Well, it really is time for a nap. I have put it off as long as I can stand it, but sleep calls.
Oh, never worry. In spite of these things, I think I will find some small life. A life I enjoy. In a place where I will be less likely to have to worry so much about the neighbors. In a place where mountains, deserts, rivers, and lakes are all near. I will find times to do some things I enjoy. I will find things which challenge me and help me grow. I might even find love. Just because I am down, physically, I will never give up (for long anyway) on the joy I find in this gift called life. I will never claim to understand it all, but I have never found the need. So, if your life is a little down, when you are finished pouting, shouting, crying, or laughing, remember to roll your sleeves back up and start digging in where you can. I will join you, at least, when I wake up. :P
I called my lady friend, and explained today. I only got her answer service, so I do not know just how angry she is. Bother, but she usually gets over things in her time and figures out something exotic (and expensive) to make up for it. *sigh* I would guess it will be a meal ($70 to $100) at her favorite eatery. Or a trip and a couple of meals, at least one being expensive. Meh, it is part and parcel the business of friendship I suppose. Hmm, maybe she will just have me cook a little more? I like that last almost as well as the trips and only slightly less than the fancy dining. ( O.o ) Do not tell her I said that.
.
I got much of what I wanted done finished yesterday. After sleeping 12 to 14 hours, then waking for a few, and then napping a few more hours and finally feeling rested, I got busy yesterday. I got a haircut and my beard is now trimmed. I could almost pass for a gentleman! I went shopping, picking up most of what I think I will need for my needs and a few wants for some time to come. I then did some house cleaning, if I did not complete that. Then again, do you ever really have your abode as clean as you like it or want it? Well, fine, so I am not even close, so I will not go further with my procrastination speech. I did not, however, make the call. I was tired, again, and thought I would take a nap at about 15:30, only 7 hours after I awoke for the second time.
I thought I would only need a short nap after all that sleep. And, I had my cell phone on the bedstand. The phone ALWAYS wakes me up, often even if it is in the front room. And yet, it did not wake me. I did not wake when my lady friend called to let me know she was arriving. So, she went hungry. I did not wake until 0:30 hours, or so. Even then, I needed more sleep, so after being awake a bit, I went back to bed until 6:30 or so. I think. It is becoming difficult to be sure of anything at the moment.
I guess I will just have to become adjusted to putting up with my infirmity and people are just going to have to understand that my flesh has failed, all but completely in death. I cannot give my word, only that if I am able I will. Well, it really is time for a nap. I have put it off as long as I can stand it, but sleep calls.
Oh, never worry. In spite of these things, I think I will find some small life. A life I enjoy. In a place where I will be less likely to have to worry so much about the neighbors. In a place where mountains, deserts, rivers, and lakes are all near. I will find times to do some things I enjoy. I will find things which challenge me and help me grow. I might even find love. Just because I am down, physically, I will never give up (for long anyway) on the joy I find in this gift called life. I will never claim to understand it all, but I have never found the need. So, if your life is a little down, when you are finished pouting, shouting, crying, or laughing, remember to roll your sleeves back up and start digging in where you can. I will join you, at least, when I wake up. :P
I called my lady friend, and explained today. I only got her answer service, so I do not know just how angry she is. Bother, but she usually gets over things in her time and figures out something exotic (and expensive) to make up for it. *sigh* I would guess it will be a meal ($70 to $100) at her favorite eatery. Or a trip and a couple of meals, at least one being expensive. Meh, it is part and parcel the business of friendship I suppose. Hmm, maybe she will just have me cook a little more? I like that last almost as well as the trips and only slightly less than the fancy dining. ( O.o ) Do not tell her I said that.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Not much happening, but a report anyway.
.
.
I spoke with my mother this morning. It looks like she will not be coming until the last weekend of the month. That is fine, it is good to know. And, it gives me a little time to try and get more on the ball. My sleep is sporadic, sometimes the exhaustion demands 14 hours of sleep, some times only a few hours. I push against it when I can. But when the eyes burn and I cannot think, remember, and life is excessively painful, I retreat to the bedroom and try to get what little rest sleep offers. I am hoping with more sunlight and warmer temps, I can sort things out a bit better. I would really like to have some more packing done and the cave spiffy for her visit. I hate having her see the need to clean while she is here. However, and again, I think that is something mothers do. Still, it would be nice, as I have once in a while done in the past, to make her have to search for the work. :P
I will get some things in the larder so that her stay is not a hungry one. I keep thinking of home-made potato soup, maybe with ham; a roasted herbed chicken, and perhaps asparagus for a starter. Then maybe some fried cheese and ham or turkey sandwiches, with a good (as home-made as can be) tomato soup; and then perhaps a really nice (real) crab meat salad. All are easy enough meals for me, even as is at the moment. I am sure she will want to do some cooking herself, so I will not plan much further. However, I will try to have plenty in stock for her to be creative. She does not really like me cooking for her. I do things differently, I am messy in my ways, and I am her son (think boy = should not cook). Yes, ladies, women can be just as sexist. Which bothers US not a whit. …again… :P
Well, I did not rest well after sleeping a good bit yesterday and last night. I woke, anyway, at about 3:00 or 4:00. I stayed up until I just could not stand it until about 6:20 or so (give or take, I cannot be completely accurate when in that much of an exhausted state). However, after only a few hours of sleep or less, I arose sometime in the 8th hour, refreshed and comfortable. I did some tinkering in my game, and successfully complete one round of missions/quests, then started another, of which I went half way through. I then contacted the game company about access difficulties, or sent a reply to their reply to my query. It takes time and information exchanges for these things. I then decided it is time for a shave and haircut. I had tried to get these previously, but my barber (highly unusually) was gone both times. As I do not get out often, and my schedule makes it so that I might be up late at night, or any time really, plus that no matter the time, I may not be fit to leave, this chore has remained undone. So, today, I will prepare to see if he is there or not, again. If not this time, I will have to find another barber. Ackh! The problem with that is that many of them require appointments. I do not do those well, especially now.
My rifle is on the way! I am so excited. Oh, I know, it will sit somewhere and, even in a case, draw dust. That I have it is almost enough. I will need ammunition or the psychological comfort of having it will be nil. I have enough magazines for it, and a reloader able to reload that particular ammo, so I am getting closer to preparedness. I will have to insure that the ammunition I buy for it is reloadable (and plentiful as for the moment, reloading supplies are not available). Still, that will offer brass, as a starter. I wonder if the fear of the state is driving brass supplies into high tide? It has to be. I then wonder how many other such items are becoming excessively scarce, pricey, and horded. Never mind, one thing at a time, and this is one of the bigger things.
Oh, the “lady” from the car company is driving me to distraction. She has called 8 or 9 times in the last two weeks. I have hung up on her once, rarely take the calls, and am going to call my dealership today and have them either set the thing right or take the vehicle back. I will not be harassed, I cannot take the stress. She will either call me (preferably) a few business days before the 1st, and then again only if I have not paid by the 5th. She will include all pertinent contact and payment information, and she will leave it in a message (I will not talk to her again). If she and or they cannot comply, they will get the vehicle back. I figure If I save like I am paying, I can buy a new one in about 3 years, no bills. Yeah, I would be missing a vehicle. Though I am pretty sure I can more easily handle a junker than the stress.
Several things on the plate today. Nothing fancy or difficult, technically. Still, staying on track, adding in some shopping and cleaning, and I am running well beyond what I have been able to do for a while now. I will try to get it all in. It is noon now, so I have the time… again… technically. Go… go… go…
Gone…
Oops, my lady friend just called. We had pizza for lunch the other day, and I special ordered it. I think I hit her sweet spot, food wise (I do not tinker with any of the others, ha, naughty minds... I really am celibate for good or ill). So, she asked if I could do that again. I said I could swing for it, but no promises as much as she moves (or her appetite and preferences anyway). So, I will have a guest for dinner. Hrm, more motive to get a bit of cleaning into my list. (I said I was celibate, I did not say I never think about it. Oh hush.)
Now gone...
.
I spoke with my mother this morning. It looks like she will not be coming until the last weekend of the month. That is fine, it is good to know. And, it gives me a little time to try and get more on the ball. My sleep is sporadic, sometimes the exhaustion demands 14 hours of sleep, some times only a few hours. I push against it when I can. But when the eyes burn and I cannot think, remember, and life is excessively painful, I retreat to the bedroom and try to get what little rest sleep offers. I am hoping with more sunlight and warmer temps, I can sort things out a bit better. I would really like to have some more packing done and the cave spiffy for her visit. I hate having her see the need to clean while she is here. However, and again, I think that is something mothers do. Still, it would be nice, as I have once in a while done in the past, to make her have to search for the work. :P
I will get some things in the larder so that her stay is not a hungry one. I keep thinking of home-made potato soup, maybe with ham; a roasted herbed chicken, and perhaps asparagus for a starter. Then maybe some fried cheese and ham or turkey sandwiches, with a good (as home-made as can be) tomato soup; and then perhaps a really nice (real) crab meat salad. All are easy enough meals for me, even as is at the moment. I am sure she will want to do some cooking herself, so I will not plan much further. However, I will try to have plenty in stock for her to be creative. She does not really like me cooking for her. I do things differently, I am messy in my ways, and I am her son (think boy = should not cook). Yes, ladies, women can be just as sexist. Which bothers US not a whit. …again… :P
Well, I did not rest well after sleeping a good bit yesterday and last night. I woke, anyway, at about 3:00 or 4:00. I stayed up until I just could not stand it until about 6:20 or so (give or take, I cannot be completely accurate when in that much of an exhausted state). However, after only a few hours of sleep or less, I arose sometime in the 8th hour, refreshed and comfortable. I did some tinkering in my game, and successfully complete one round of missions/quests, then started another, of which I went half way through. I then contacted the game company about access difficulties, or sent a reply to their reply to my query. It takes time and information exchanges for these things. I then decided it is time for a shave and haircut. I had tried to get these previously, but my barber (highly unusually) was gone both times. As I do not get out often, and my schedule makes it so that I might be up late at night, or any time really, plus that no matter the time, I may not be fit to leave, this chore has remained undone. So, today, I will prepare to see if he is there or not, again. If not this time, I will have to find another barber. Ackh! The problem with that is that many of them require appointments. I do not do those well, especially now.
My rifle is on the way! I am so excited. Oh, I know, it will sit somewhere and, even in a case, draw dust. That I have it is almost enough. I will need ammunition or the psychological comfort of having it will be nil. I have enough magazines for it, and a reloader able to reload that particular ammo, so I am getting closer to preparedness. I will have to insure that the ammunition I buy for it is reloadable (and plentiful as for the moment, reloading supplies are not available). Still, that will offer brass, as a starter. I wonder if the fear of the state is driving brass supplies into high tide? It has to be. I then wonder how many other such items are becoming excessively scarce, pricey, and horded. Never mind, one thing at a time, and this is one of the bigger things.
Oh, the “lady” from the car company is driving me to distraction. She has called 8 or 9 times in the last two weeks. I have hung up on her once, rarely take the calls, and am going to call my dealership today and have them either set the thing right or take the vehicle back. I will not be harassed, I cannot take the stress. She will either call me (preferably) a few business days before the 1st, and then again only if I have not paid by the 5th. She will include all pertinent contact and payment information, and she will leave it in a message (I will not talk to her again). If she and or they cannot comply, they will get the vehicle back. I figure If I save like I am paying, I can buy a new one in about 3 years, no bills. Yeah, I would be missing a vehicle. Though I am pretty sure I can more easily handle a junker than the stress.
Several things on the plate today. Nothing fancy or difficult, technically. Still, staying on track, adding in some shopping and cleaning, and I am running well beyond what I have been able to do for a while now. I will try to get it all in. It is noon now, so I have the time… again… technically. Go… go… go…
Gone…
Oops, my lady friend just called. We had pizza for lunch the other day, and I special ordered it. I think I hit her sweet spot, food wise (I do not tinker with any of the others, ha, naughty minds... I really am celibate for good or ill). So, she asked if I could do that again. I said I could swing for it, but no promises as much as she moves (or her appetite and preferences anyway). So, I will have a guest for dinner. Hrm, more motive to get a bit of cleaning into my list. (I said I was celibate, I did not say I never think about it. Oh hush.)
Now gone...
Saturday, April 4, 2009
The dreams seem to have passed.
.
.
My body heals from the soreness. But exhaustion plagues me, and in the worst of ways. I seem to be able to function well enough, I just cannot do much due to the severe exhaustion. It seems, to me, like I suffering a disconnect with reality, like walking through a mental fog. However, I am able to do intellectual and physical activities and the results are good. My lady friend does not seem to notice that I have no idea what I am doing half of the time. I am able to do the most difficult things in the games I play (and yes, some of them are quite intellectually and logically demanding). I do not understand and I probably never will. I am sure others share my curse, but what use seeking others who have lost their earthly connections?
My mother will be arriving, she believes, in a week or so. She will be seeking a diagnosis for a difficulty, an infirmity, of her own. It seems her knuckles are swollen, she aches everywhere, and she too is now perpetually exhausted. They suspect she has rheumatoid arthritis. I do not believe that is at all curable and only slightly treatable. I am not sure if to hope that is what it is, so that there might be some help, or to hope it is something else curable or more treatable. I guess we get what we get and just deal with it. I do not expect much from her, and will try more to just allow her to have a comfortable place to stay while she is here. I will just have to hope I find away out of the fog and exhaustion long enough to get things done on my own, the rest of it anyway. I have to find a way to snap out of it.
If it is not much, I am able to do amazing things in the game I play. Defeating all the campaigns in a few weeks on a newly created character (campaigns are other games, full length (mostly), added to the original game). The game I play has 2 complete campaigns, plus the original game, and a shorter (if much harder) additional campaign (so, 4 campaigns, if that first is as clear as mud). I gained all of the elite skills and spells in five days, and I play in hard mode, including most missions, with only heroes and henchmen. I know the game quite well now, if there really is too much to know completely and all at once. I learn new things seemingly daily. Though it would seem that you could make friends in-game, the truth is because people are at such different levels of play ability, play at different times, and such, that is not quite as easy as it seems. Still, I know a few people, and am meeting a few more, if more than a few words occasionally is all that it yields. It beats being completely isolated.
The AK-47 I ordered is on it’s way. It should be here soon. I will have to go to the FFL and show my license to buy, and I will be set. I will pay it off this month. I think I will have to go without any purchases until a month or two after the move however, after this. That should give me enough to move, move-in, eat, and pay deposits, turn-on fees, and probably still be in good shape to begin saving for a new computer. I am hoping that two or three months after I am moved in, I can outright buy a new rig. Though, depending on how fast the communists implement their anti-gun crap, I might have to go for guns first. Another AK, another .45, and a .308 are on the list. They are all things that may be banned. I have enough magazines for 2, maybe even 3, AK’s, but I need more for the .45’s. And, of course, there is the ammo thing. Reloading supplies are a bust, so it will be expensive. I hate having to watch everything I do because of fear of the government.
I think it is nap time again. I seem to be gasping for sleep as soon as I wake up and dream of sleeping while I am “asleep”. I just cannot get sleep. It so reminds me of being in the river and wanting nothing but air. Instead of minutes, it is days and weeks and months and years I spend needing. I dream while I am awake, if I have learned to deal with that somewhat. I think most people who have this go absolutely mad. And, I understand that. I have just chosen not to let go, I have found things and people to anchor me. As tired as I am I cannot let go, will not, even when it seems the only thing to do or impossible not to let go. So, here I am, writing about it. Yeah, nap time. See you in a few.
.
My body heals from the soreness. But exhaustion plagues me, and in the worst of ways. I seem to be able to function well enough, I just cannot do much due to the severe exhaustion. It seems, to me, like I suffering a disconnect with reality, like walking through a mental fog. However, I am able to do intellectual and physical activities and the results are good. My lady friend does not seem to notice that I have no idea what I am doing half of the time. I am able to do the most difficult things in the games I play (and yes, some of them are quite intellectually and logically demanding). I do not understand and I probably never will. I am sure others share my curse, but what use seeking others who have lost their earthly connections?
My mother will be arriving, she believes, in a week or so. She will be seeking a diagnosis for a difficulty, an infirmity, of her own. It seems her knuckles are swollen, she aches everywhere, and she too is now perpetually exhausted. They suspect she has rheumatoid arthritis. I do not believe that is at all curable and only slightly treatable. I am not sure if to hope that is what it is, so that there might be some help, or to hope it is something else curable or more treatable. I guess we get what we get and just deal with it. I do not expect much from her, and will try more to just allow her to have a comfortable place to stay while she is here. I will just have to hope I find away out of the fog and exhaustion long enough to get things done on my own, the rest of it anyway. I have to find a way to snap out of it.
If it is not much, I am able to do amazing things in the game I play. Defeating all the campaigns in a few weeks on a newly created character (campaigns are other games, full length (mostly), added to the original game). The game I play has 2 complete campaigns, plus the original game, and a shorter (if much harder) additional campaign (so, 4 campaigns, if that first is as clear as mud). I gained all of the elite skills and spells in five days, and I play in hard mode, including most missions, with only heroes and henchmen. I know the game quite well now, if there really is too much to know completely and all at once. I learn new things seemingly daily. Though it would seem that you could make friends in-game, the truth is because people are at such different levels of play ability, play at different times, and such, that is not quite as easy as it seems. Still, I know a few people, and am meeting a few more, if more than a few words occasionally is all that it yields. It beats being completely isolated.
The AK-47 I ordered is on it’s way. It should be here soon. I will have to go to the FFL and show my license to buy, and I will be set. I will pay it off this month. I think I will have to go without any purchases until a month or two after the move however, after this. That should give me enough to move, move-in, eat, and pay deposits, turn-on fees, and probably still be in good shape to begin saving for a new computer. I am hoping that two or three months after I am moved in, I can outright buy a new rig. Though, depending on how fast the communists implement their anti-gun crap, I might have to go for guns first. Another AK, another .45, and a .308 are on the list. They are all things that may be banned. I have enough magazines for 2, maybe even 3, AK’s, but I need more for the .45’s. And, of course, there is the ammo thing. Reloading supplies are a bust, so it will be expensive. I hate having to watch everything I do because of fear of the government.
I think it is nap time again. I seem to be gasping for sleep as soon as I wake up and dream of sleeping while I am “asleep”. I just cannot get sleep. It so reminds me of being in the river and wanting nothing but air. Instead of minutes, it is days and weeks and months and years I spend needing. I dream while I am awake, if I have learned to deal with that somewhat. I think most people who have this go absolutely mad. And, I understand that. I have just chosen not to let go, I have found things and people to anchor me. As tired as I am I cannot let go, will not, even when it seems the only thing to do or impossible not to let go. So, here I am, writing about it. Yeah, nap time. See you in a few.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Dreams… And other stuff.
.
.
Many dreams, all over the place. I can still only sleep 4-6 hours at a time and I can only stay up about the same. I really think it is the number or intensity, maybe both of those aspects, of my dreams. I kill people, I save some, and I get the hurts that come with it. Those hurts carry right on in to real life. It is brutal. My ribs hurt. My legs and arms are muscularly sore. And I can do nothing to change them. They come and go. I suspect they are part of the reason I am so exhausted. It happened even when I was working out, when the meds worked, and when everything is going well. I am tight, hard, and mean, physically, at least or perhaps in spite of the condition I am in. I was made for war, this stuff just helps keep me ready, give or take.
I was talking to an Irish friend this evening. Some things, many things, he just does not understand. That we devalued our dollar so as to crush China’s (and Iran’s) economic hold on us, only became functional visible to him after a little discussion. He does not understand that war is not always waged on battle fields. He does not understand that Iraq was only a minor aspect of the combat we have been waging. Nor does he, even now, understand the importance of that, if minor, act. He is a typical Euro, against America and almost anything (except Obama’s election) we do. I asked him if he would approve a communist muslim coming to his lead office. He said it would never happen. I said, once the world bowed to socialism, a world order socialism, they would shove the same crap onto his plate that they have shoved onto mine, he did not like it. We will see. Now that we have fallen, they will do whatever they want, worldwide. Most of it will be repulsive to most people.
After five days of the furnace and air conditioning not responding to the thermostat, I had finally had enough. I called my landlord Saturday. He made a call and had someone in this morning at 9:15. It was the same man who has been trying to deal with this difficulty for a while now. He decided to change out the control board, as he has seen this before and the same fix worked there too. I hope it works as temperature control is vital. I also discussed the fact that my water bill has tripled since last year, before the leak. The neighbors, I think, are the problem. My increase began when they moved in. With 4 people living there, they are only using (according to the water department) 27% more water than I am. I am being robbed, somehow. It will be my landlord’s problem when I move. He knows what the problem is, I can tell by his query to the waterworks. Socialism sucks, it is robbery, taking without asking, without consequence, and without recourse.
For sure, I will never move into an apartment or a duplex again. I have been looking for a single home, in a general area, and am having trouble finding what I want in the price range I would like. I briefly considered moving in with my mother, and then tossed that out immediately. She would kill me in six months. I do not mind dying, but I have parameters. I will not deal with the irrationalism of a mean woman, that will not be the death of me. A wife I will handle, mothers are not so easily handled. Especially on her grounds.
Oh, I was able to find an AK that I liked and in my price range. The seller has a number of them. If I like what I see, I might buy a second, depending on money. I would also like to buy another XD Tactical .45 acp. But money has become tight with the move and the Xterra financing problem. I am being a bit cavalier financially, with this purchase, as it is. But darn it, a man has to have what a man should have. I saw a S&W .500 mag, if in the 4” version, for $750. It about kills me that I cannot buy it. But, I cannot. Not… yet. Too much, too fast, too far, too short. Someday, sooner than late, but after a computer ($3k to $4k). Drats… To win the lottery! Bah, I do not play children’s games. Urhm, you do not happen to have a spare top of the line machine sitting in your back pocket, do you? Did not think so. :P
.
Many dreams, all over the place. I can still only sleep 4-6 hours at a time and I can only stay up about the same. I really think it is the number or intensity, maybe both of those aspects, of my dreams. I kill people, I save some, and I get the hurts that come with it. Those hurts carry right on in to real life. It is brutal. My ribs hurt. My legs and arms are muscularly sore. And I can do nothing to change them. They come and go. I suspect they are part of the reason I am so exhausted. It happened even when I was working out, when the meds worked, and when everything is going well. I am tight, hard, and mean, physically, at least or perhaps in spite of the condition I am in. I was made for war, this stuff just helps keep me ready, give or take.
I was talking to an Irish friend this evening. Some things, many things, he just does not understand. That we devalued our dollar so as to crush China’s (and Iran’s) economic hold on us, only became functional visible to him after a little discussion. He does not understand that war is not always waged on battle fields. He does not understand that Iraq was only a minor aspect of the combat we have been waging. Nor does he, even now, understand the importance of that, if minor, act. He is a typical Euro, against America and almost anything (except Obama’s election) we do. I asked him if he would approve a communist muslim coming to his lead office. He said it would never happen. I said, once the world bowed to socialism, a world order socialism, they would shove the same crap onto his plate that they have shoved onto mine, he did not like it. We will see. Now that we have fallen, they will do whatever they want, worldwide. Most of it will be repulsive to most people.
After five days of the furnace and air conditioning not responding to the thermostat, I had finally had enough. I called my landlord Saturday. He made a call and had someone in this morning at 9:15. It was the same man who has been trying to deal with this difficulty for a while now. He decided to change out the control board, as he has seen this before and the same fix worked there too. I hope it works as temperature control is vital. I also discussed the fact that my water bill has tripled since last year, before the leak. The neighbors, I think, are the problem. My increase began when they moved in. With 4 people living there, they are only using (according to the water department) 27% more water than I am. I am being robbed, somehow. It will be my landlord’s problem when I move. He knows what the problem is, I can tell by his query to the waterworks. Socialism sucks, it is robbery, taking without asking, without consequence, and without recourse.
For sure, I will never move into an apartment or a duplex again. I have been looking for a single home, in a general area, and am having trouble finding what I want in the price range I would like. I briefly considered moving in with my mother, and then tossed that out immediately. She would kill me in six months. I do not mind dying, but I have parameters. I will not deal with the irrationalism of a mean woman, that will not be the death of me. A wife I will handle, mothers are not so easily handled. Especially on her grounds.
Oh, I was able to find an AK that I liked and in my price range. The seller has a number of them. If I like what I see, I might buy a second, depending on money. I would also like to buy another XD Tactical .45 acp. But money has become tight with the move and the Xterra financing problem. I am being a bit cavalier financially, with this purchase, as it is. But darn it, a man has to have what a man should have. I saw a S&W .500 mag, if in the 4” version, for $750. It about kills me that I cannot buy it. But, I cannot. Not… yet. Too much, too fast, too far, too short. Someday, sooner than late, but after a computer ($3k to $4k). Drats… To win the lottery! Bah, I do not play children’s games. Urhm, you do not happen to have a spare top of the line machine sitting in your back pocket, do you? Did not think so. :P
Saturday, March 28, 2009
The Watchmen.
.
.
It was a difficult movie for me to watch. Hollywood wants to put warts on good guys and bad guys along with showing the truth about the intent of their people, and they did. It was rather gritty, definitely dirty, and hard core. Do not take your children to it. I think it pointed out the true intent of modernists, socialists, atheists, and such. And of course, their side won... at least on Earth in flesh in their time, the time of the movie. I found myself fitting in between the Comedian and Rorschach. And, yeah, I thought it was a gas, as I often do. I will not recommend it, most probably cannot handle it. I will only say I liked it. The music, quite often, was of the extreme leftist bent, of course. And, of course, they always tried to show the lefties as good and kind little heathens. Which of course, after Hitler the vegetarian, and Stalin, and Marx, the world should know better by now. Not to ignore, of course, our own little murderous circle of homegrown leftists. Of course, many of the sheep are stupid enough to walk into gulags, but that is not the real point. Yeah, and blue boy matches our scientific community… expertly.
It also looks like there might be some other good movies coming out soon. I will probably have to go on my own, after some of my comments, I think the Q.O.D. would rather be lit on fire than go to another such movie with me. Which is fine, my fire is lit. I think I can, I think I can, and whatnot.
Ciao
.
It was a difficult movie for me to watch. Hollywood wants to put warts on good guys and bad guys along with showing the truth about the intent of their people, and they did. It was rather gritty, definitely dirty, and hard core. Do not take your children to it. I think it pointed out the true intent of modernists, socialists, atheists, and such. And of course, their side won... at least on Earth in flesh in their time, the time of the movie. I found myself fitting in between the Comedian and Rorschach. And, yeah, I thought it was a gas, as I often do. I will not recommend it, most probably cannot handle it. I will only say I liked it. The music, quite often, was of the extreme leftist bent, of course. And, of course, they always tried to show the lefties as good and kind little heathens. Which of course, after Hitler the vegetarian, and Stalin, and Marx, the world should know better by now. Not to ignore, of course, our own little murderous circle of homegrown leftists. Of course, many of the sheep are stupid enough to walk into gulags, but that is not the real point. Yeah, and blue boy matches our scientific community… expertly.
It also looks like there might be some other good movies coming out soon. I will probably have to go on my own, after some of my comments, I think the Q.O.D. would rather be lit on fire than go to another such movie with me. Which is fine, my fire is lit. I think I can, I think I can, and whatnot.
Ciao
Friday, March 27, 2009
Jealousy…
.
.
I know it is a sin, at some point in how far it can be taken. Coveting another person’s wealth, spouse, health, or success, is a sin. My jealousy does not go that deep, nor would I deprive the owner to obtain it. My lady friend has suffered as I have, but to a lesser degree. She is able to work, if life is harsh. She has stayed to night work for many reasons, most of them having to do with her anti-social nature, at least in part due to her perpetual exhaustion. She has been going in for sleep studies (as have I, have no doubt). But for her, the results were significant enough that an intervention was seen as fitting and begun (which neither of us thought we would be able to tolerate, in theory). She says she is a new woman today, after a trial of that intervention last night. They told her she was in near constant R.E.M. sleep last night, as her body tried to catch up. Yeah, jealous… but not begrudgingly so.
We are going to a movie today, we missed it the other day. The Watchman is on, and that is one I wanted to see on the big screen. I hate going alone or I would have gone already, if I had somehow been able to clamber out of the cave as well. I honestly did not think she would ever make it. She came by early to tell me her good news and to tell me to be ready for a 13:00 showing. I had gone back to bed to get a bit more sleep, 13 hours is just a bit shy these days, when the doorbell rang. I was sure it was the Q.O.D., so I got back up to see what the difficulty with her would be this time (tongue in cheek here, mind you). It was not her, but a young woman with an invitation to some celebration of Christ’s birthday or something. I remained pleasant, thanked her for her time, accepted the brochure, and just could not quite go back to bed, so here I am. Never worry, I am not awake. Then again, when am I? A few hours a day, sometimes whole days (!), sometimes not for weeks at a time… am I really awake. But, it is what I have.
I think I feel something. Yeah, I do. Hunger. Then time for a nap. Bye.
.
I know it is a sin, at some point in how far it can be taken. Coveting another person’s wealth, spouse, health, or success, is a sin. My jealousy does not go that deep, nor would I deprive the owner to obtain it. My lady friend has suffered as I have, but to a lesser degree. She is able to work, if life is harsh. She has stayed to night work for many reasons, most of them having to do with her anti-social nature, at least in part due to her perpetual exhaustion. She has been going in for sleep studies (as have I, have no doubt). But for her, the results were significant enough that an intervention was seen as fitting and begun (which neither of us thought we would be able to tolerate, in theory). She says she is a new woman today, after a trial of that intervention last night. They told her she was in near constant R.E.M. sleep last night, as her body tried to catch up. Yeah, jealous… but not begrudgingly so.
We are going to a movie today, we missed it the other day. The Watchman is on, and that is one I wanted to see on the big screen. I hate going alone or I would have gone already, if I had somehow been able to clamber out of the cave as well. I honestly did not think she would ever make it. She came by early to tell me her good news and to tell me to be ready for a 13:00 showing. I had gone back to bed to get a bit more sleep, 13 hours is just a bit shy these days, when the doorbell rang. I was sure it was the Q.O.D., so I got back up to see what the difficulty with her would be this time (tongue in cheek here, mind you). It was not her, but a young woman with an invitation to some celebration of Christ’s birthday or something. I remained pleasant, thanked her for her time, accepted the brochure, and just could not quite go back to bed, so here I am. Never worry, I am not awake. Then again, when am I? A few hours a day, sometimes whole days (!), sometimes not for weeks at a time… am I really awake. But, it is what I have.
I think I feel something. Yeah, I do. Hunger. Then time for a nap. Bye.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Odd physical problems at the moment.
.
.
I am not sure what the difficulty is, currently, other than it seems to be of a physical nature. My arms and leg muscles ache as if I have been physically straining them, I am once again exhausted but it feels like the type of exhaustion that comes from physical activity rather than from my other problem. I am sleeping in spats, staying up only 6 to 8 hours, and then needing sleep. And any real activity, such as grocery shopping or light packing exhausts me greatly. It is not worry, as I have pretty much taken care of those things which bother me. My dreams have been dark. I have found in the past, when I can remember dreams and they are of war that this can leech my strength. I cannot remember the dreams other than that they are dark, hard, and I am very physical in them. Odd that dreams can do that, but they do. I suppose it is those dreams that keep me in the shape I am in. Though I am overweight, and though I cannot seem to garner strength or fitness on demand, when need calls I seem to be able to function way beyond what a totally sedentary life should allow. Hike 12 miles, with a pack, no problem. Help people move, even in hot weather, not an issue. I wish this particular corpse I inhabit came with instructions, it baffles even the doctors.
I went to the dentist yesterday. I have poor tooth care habits, so I am always a little nervous when I go. It is not cavities that concern me, it is the displeasure of my care providers. As usual, I received an A+, and more. They found cavities that had started to form, stopped, and even reversed themselves and started healing. My gums had no recesses, or pockets. Neither the cleaning technician nor the dentist where particularly pleased, especially when I indicated I had only brushed perhaps 10 times since I had seen them last. My smirk does not add to their favorable view. But it is light, not heavy disdain they poor upon my tired head. And, I still have that smirk. I am sure, perhaps, one day God will wipe that smirk right off my face. And, should I be able, I will gladly trade it for a face indicating the simple sublime. Oh, I might as well be honest. That smirk comes not from pride but from a lack of understanding as to why my health is so good in spite of it being so bad. It is more like a perfectly healthy and more human being frozen into an inability to function for no health reasons at all. I am dying of aging… A slow process. An uncomfortable process. But while time passes me by, I remain fitter than could be imagined. Even this exhaustion, and the aching muscles, come from some form of my body’s work-out routine. It keeps itself fit this way, somehow.
I have not called the dealership. I really am just too exhausted, mentally and physically, to deal with that today. Actually, I could not get the trash out this morning, I could not wake up. I even set alarms, which while they woke me, I could not wake enough to do more than put them on snooze or reset them. I was not able to rise until about 14:00. Dreams, lots of them. I do remember a few lesser ones, but not the bad ones. It is now 16:56 or so, and guess what? I need to go back to sleep. Not even my game can keep me awake. I hope your sleeps are nourishing. If they are, feel blessed, for you are. I live two or three days in a day, lately. It is confusing. Anyway, goodnight, at least until later this afternoon or evening? Bah!
.
I am not sure what the difficulty is, currently, other than it seems to be of a physical nature. My arms and leg muscles ache as if I have been physically straining them, I am once again exhausted but it feels like the type of exhaustion that comes from physical activity rather than from my other problem. I am sleeping in spats, staying up only 6 to 8 hours, and then needing sleep. And any real activity, such as grocery shopping or light packing exhausts me greatly. It is not worry, as I have pretty much taken care of those things which bother me. My dreams have been dark. I have found in the past, when I can remember dreams and they are of war that this can leech my strength. I cannot remember the dreams other than that they are dark, hard, and I am very physical in them. Odd that dreams can do that, but they do. I suppose it is those dreams that keep me in the shape I am in. Though I am overweight, and though I cannot seem to garner strength or fitness on demand, when need calls I seem to be able to function way beyond what a totally sedentary life should allow. Hike 12 miles, with a pack, no problem. Help people move, even in hot weather, not an issue. I wish this particular corpse I inhabit came with instructions, it baffles even the doctors.
I went to the dentist yesterday. I have poor tooth care habits, so I am always a little nervous when I go. It is not cavities that concern me, it is the displeasure of my care providers. As usual, I received an A+, and more. They found cavities that had started to form, stopped, and even reversed themselves and started healing. My gums had no recesses, or pockets. Neither the cleaning technician nor the dentist where particularly pleased, especially when I indicated I had only brushed perhaps 10 times since I had seen them last. My smirk does not add to their favorable view. But it is light, not heavy disdain they poor upon my tired head. And, I still have that smirk. I am sure, perhaps, one day God will wipe that smirk right off my face. And, should I be able, I will gladly trade it for a face indicating the simple sublime. Oh, I might as well be honest. That smirk comes not from pride but from a lack of understanding as to why my health is so good in spite of it being so bad. It is more like a perfectly healthy and more human being frozen into an inability to function for no health reasons at all. I am dying of aging… A slow process. An uncomfortable process. But while time passes me by, I remain fitter than could be imagined. Even this exhaustion, and the aching muscles, come from some form of my body’s work-out routine. It keeps itself fit this way, somehow.
I have not called the dealership. I really am just too exhausted, mentally and physically, to deal with that today. Actually, I could not get the trash out this morning, I could not wake up. I even set alarms, which while they woke me, I could not wake enough to do more than put them on snooze or reset them. I was not able to rise until about 14:00. Dreams, lots of them. I do remember a few lesser ones, but not the bad ones. It is now 16:56 or so, and guess what? I need to go back to sleep. Not even my game can keep me awake. I hope your sleeps are nourishing. If they are, feel blessed, for you are. I live two or three days in a day, lately. It is confusing. Anyway, goodnight, at least until later this afternoon or evening? Bah!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
To be honest…
.
.
Things went down hill quickly when I left school and stopped medicine. I do not think it was the medicine, as that was becoming as much a problem as it was helpful. I started playing a computer game and was not dealing with real life at all. Phone calls were ignored, mail was stacked and properly ignored, and I left the house only when I was able and then only to go to the store for food. Well, my lady friend dragged me out into to the darkness from time to time. Which would have been fine, if my assumptions were correct. My assumption, the primary one, was that everything was on automatic pay. My bad.
My credit cards were not being paid. Neither was my automobile payment. I found out this month my auto was 3 months in arrears. My cards were a bit behind as well. I have not been spending money, but then I had seen my balances and thought they were completely available for the move. After finally paying some attention, and then realizing these things, I got busy. I paid one of my cards off whole (I do not charge unless I have the cash, so no big deal there). The other card received a healthy pay, and is scheduled for another good chunk this coming month. As for the auto, I agreed to pay one payment this month and 1 and ½ payments from here on until I am caught up (and I think I will just continue that payment plan, to have it paid of well and early). After looking at my balances, I actually paid my first payment and a half this month. So, I am taking care. As well, I would still have enough to move this month if I chose to. Therefore, in a few months, I will be in really good financial shape for the move and my credit cards will be clean too, for emergencies or whatnot.
However, I became a bit tweaked yesterday. The car company called, asked for more than what we had agreed to, and indicated they need to call every three days. I really cannot handle that stress, and I told the woman that if this is indeed the case, I will return the vehicle. They have already messed up my finances and I cannot handle that much pushing. She said it is policy, and I indicated that policy will get the vehicle back in their lot in hard financial times. I then hung up. Yeah, grumpy, I think that might be it. But I just cannot stand this touchy push stuff. I was set to return the vehicle today, in my mind, but I had a dental appointment and some other things to do first. And, I had reconsidered. I think I will call my dealership and ask them to make sure what I was hearing was correct and seeing if they would like to mediate rather than have another vehicle sitting there rotting. It is amazing what happens when other people find that their fingers are in the same mouse trap mine are in, too.
One thing I am sure of is that whatever else, I really want to find a way to keep my home kempt. I am not good at this. I can be lost from or to flesh, or as I have suggested before accidentally transcendental, for long periods of time. I only live here part time. Perhaps like the necromongers in the movies, or Hera’s daughter, living in the lands of the flesh only partly, or sometimes. Where I go I cannot be sure. Even things of flesh, like mechanical devices, can be excessively confusing to me at times. From what I know of Zen, I imagine the perfection of that philosophy. Things of flesh are almost abysmal to me then. I cannot seem to understand touch, texture, or even pain. I sense them, might even intellectually understand, but I cannot seem to connect with them. Still, I love cleanliness. I enjoy a maintained home. Oh, I will always need a clutter room, my room. But the rest of the home will, somehow, be maintained. I will figure it out, I think
I am slowly trying to catch you all up on my life, and helping myself by creating order to the recent seeming lost times. By writing, I cement the reality and am more able to plan the near future and create even longer term plans. Writing is powerful for me. Words, even spoken but more written, have a connection with what is. They lead to real creation, development, and develop the true future. Try it, some time, if you do not do so already. Be well.
.
Things went down hill quickly when I left school and stopped medicine. I do not think it was the medicine, as that was becoming as much a problem as it was helpful. I started playing a computer game and was not dealing with real life at all. Phone calls were ignored, mail was stacked and properly ignored, and I left the house only when I was able and then only to go to the store for food. Well, my lady friend dragged me out into to the darkness from time to time. Which would have been fine, if my assumptions were correct. My assumption, the primary one, was that everything was on automatic pay. My bad.
My credit cards were not being paid. Neither was my automobile payment. I found out this month my auto was 3 months in arrears. My cards were a bit behind as well. I have not been spending money, but then I had seen my balances and thought they were completely available for the move. After finally paying some attention, and then realizing these things, I got busy. I paid one of my cards off whole (I do not charge unless I have the cash, so no big deal there). The other card received a healthy pay, and is scheduled for another good chunk this coming month. As for the auto, I agreed to pay one payment this month and 1 and ½ payments from here on until I am caught up (and I think I will just continue that payment plan, to have it paid of well and early). After looking at my balances, I actually paid my first payment and a half this month. So, I am taking care. As well, I would still have enough to move this month if I chose to. Therefore, in a few months, I will be in really good financial shape for the move and my credit cards will be clean too, for emergencies or whatnot.
However, I became a bit tweaked yesterday. The car company called, asked for more than what we had agreed to, and indicated they need to call every three days. I really cannot handle that stress, and I told the woman that if this is indeed the case, I will return the vehicle. They have already messed up my finances and I cannot handle that much pushing. She said it is policy, and I indicated that policy will get the vehicle back in their lot in hard financial times. I then hung up. Yeah, grumpy, I think that might be it. But I just cannot stand this touchy push stuff. I was set to return the vehicle today, in my mind, but I had a dental appointment and some other things to do first. And, I had reconsidered. I think I will call my dealership and ask them to make sure what I was hearing was correct and seeing if they would like to mediate rather than have another vehicle sitting there rotting. It is amazing what happens when other people find that their fingers are in the same mouse trap mine are in, too.
One thing I am sure of is that whatever else, I really want to find a way to keep my home kempt. I am not good at this. I can be lost from or to flesh, or as I have suggested before accidentally transcendental, for long periods of time. I only live here part time. Perhaps like the necromongers in the movies, or Hera’s daughter, living in the lands of the flesh only partly, or sometimes. Where I go I cannot be sure. Even things of flesh, like mechanical devices, can be excessively confusing to me at times. From what I know of Zen, I imagine the perfection of that philosophy. Things of flesh are almost abysmal to me then. I cannot seem to understand touch, texture, or even pain. I sense them, might even intellectually understand, but I cannot seem to connect with them. Still, I love cleanliness. I enjoy a maintained home. Oh, I will always need a clutter room, my room. But the rest of the home will, somehow, be maintained. I will figure it out, I think
I am slowly trying to catch you all up on my life, and helping myself by creating order to the recent seeming lost times. By writing, I cement the reality and am more able to plan the near future and create even longer term plans. Writing is powerful for me. Words, even spoken but more written, have a connection with what is. They lead to real creation, development, and develop the true future. Try it, some time, if you do not do so already. Be well.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Death is never so sad…
.
.
I have been contemplating my situation. With a profession and school out of my grasp, and little other use for me, I realize I am simply waiting to die. Oh, yes, I can enjoy some life before I die. And, I might have as much as 2, 3, even 4 decades or more to live. But, I am done. Doctors probably could help, if they were not cowering in fear of the legal community (and to some extent, their own moral majority, to twist a twist) or simply disinterested. But I am not willing to beg and I am hard pressed to trust them, at this point. No, it is over. And, it seems sad. I have stewed in sorrow a bit. That gets old. Then I started thinking.
Compared to most people’s lot, I think I prefer mine. So many people are living here to die for eternity. So many people cannot or will not accept more than some vague notion of ‘a god’, or accept God but really do not see how that affects them. They live in what they know is sin, even when they learn to hate the sin. They do not look for guidance, forgiveness, or real love for which their sin or sins fill in for. In an odd way, it is like two ships, sinking side by side, but in very different ways, for very different reasons, and to quite opposite ends. I realize the sadness of my situation is dwarfed by the shameful dissonance of the world of man with God.
Not that this notion brings me cheer. As I said, mostly, it is a greater sadness. That I can do nothing, and do not think I do not try, bothers me more than being disabled. However, it does add perspective. It allows me to see that what I lose is nothing compared to what whole people are throwing away. I am gaining more in my crippled status than those who have no infirmity. I was crying over my lot until I noticed this, and I cried the more. The “big tears” of Ulysis, I should think. And yet, there is some time. Maybe not much, for any of us, but some time. In that, I find some hope. Maybe a few more will find the Divine before the end. Sadly, though, I think more will be lost than will find their way. This is not the time for salvation. As I am dying, so is the world and in more ways than one.
Life is well, for the most part. I have stopped checking my blood pressure or sugar levels. I have collected all medications and am considering how best to dispose of them. I am 1/3 to ½ packed. And most things are coming together for the move and business-wise. I am wrapping most things up and preparing for a simple, sedate, solitary life. I think I will avoid most interactions with people. I see that most drift in life, their hands are not their own, and evil comes of it. I do not want most people around me, for that reason. I have tried to help some, I have prayed for them, I have served them, I have helped them were I may, all to no avail. They are closer to death than I.
Then again, perhaps Utah is not Iowa City. Though I do not abide Mormanism, as my religion, I see it and it’s fruits as more viable than most denominations of mainline “Christianity”. They have families, they have faith and a real faith not a social one, and they have gone to bat for it. I do know, however, that my faith may not be acceptable there. This is something I will have to find out. From what I have seen, however, that is not necessarily the case. I will find a Catholic Church there, and I will attend, irregularly as that may be. I have a difficult time doing anything at some particular time. If grocery stores were only open an hour a day, and I had no other means of getting food and no one to help, I would starve. I which that was a jest.
I do not think I will be completely packed by the end of the month. Maybe by the middle of next month, maybe not until the end of it. But certainly well in time to move. The extra time is ending up not being a bad thing. Still, I would rather be there, yesterday. This is a sad place, a lonely place, a dying place. The only hope here, for those I am among, is for gold, sex, drugs, and “self”. All of it will be washed away and lost, seen for the fools gold it is, when time is up. It is uncomfortable to be surrounded by these lusts, even or maybe more so, as I become inured to such things. Oh, I still have lusts, but they are the type one can reasonably lay claim within God’s will, if at times I stray a bit far afield. I have stayed celibate for 5 years, and will remain so until I find a wife, and then until after we are wed. I even avoid too much of a dip into the barley-corn, or whatnot. A few beers from time to time, a drink on an occasion, a shot or two to enjoy an evening warmly, if too a very occasional drift into a deeper cup. My other sins are more slight. I am sure sloth can fit, but considering my crippled nature, I am not sure how to avoid it. Ask a leper (of old) why he looks so shabby, it would be similar. And of course there are thoughts. Mostly of women. But, as time has passed, I have learned to control these for the greater part. Perhaps that is why I can be so grumpy? Meh, the price is worth the pound, mostly.
I hope you out there are enjoying life. I hope you are finding ways to keep life clean, kind, open, and honest? I have always felt that my readers are generally good folk. I cannot be certain, but I am not stupid either. I have learned from many of you, and been succored by your graces. Your names have crossed my lips when speaking to God. Even the Godless among you. There is still a little time. Oh, if you are ever curious about your nature, look to what you have sown from the seeds you have planted. Though I have no children, mostly, I think I have tried to sow honesty and love, respect in it’s due, and a harsh tongue it it’s. I know I have been wrong, but I know I am now on the right track. I hope you find yourself on the same train, even if we face the wrong way heading the right way, at times? Be well.
.
I have been contemplating my situation. With a profession and school out of my grasp, and little other use for me, I realize I am simply waiting to die. Oh, yes, I can enjoy some life before I die. And, I might have as much as 2, 3, even 4 decades or more to live. But, I am done. Doctors probably could help, if they were not cowering in fear of the legal community (and to some extent, their own moral majority, to twist a twist) or simply disinterested. But I am not willing to beg and I am hard pressed to trust them, at this point. No, it is over. And, it seems sad. I have stewed in sorrow a bit. That gets old. Then I started thinking.
Compared to most people’s lot, I think I prefer mine. So many people are living here to die for eternity. So many people cannot or will not accept more than some vague notion of ‘a god’, or accept God but really do not see how that affects them. They live in what they know is sin, even when they learn to hate the sin. They do not look for guidance, forgiveness, or real love for which their sin or sins fill in for. In an odd way, it is like two ships, sinking side by side, but in very different ways, for very different reasons, and to quite opposite ends. I realize the sadness of my situation is dwarfed by the shameful dissonance of the world of man with God.
Not that this notion brings me cheer. As I said, mostly, it is a greater sadness. That I can do nothing, and do not think I do not try, bothers me more than being disabled. However, it does add perspective. It allows me to see that what I lose is nothing compared to what whole people are throwing away. I am gaining more in my crippled status than those who have no infirmity. I was crying over my lot until I noticed this, and I cried the more. The “big tears” of Ulysis, I should think. And yet, there is some time. Maybe not much, for any of us, but some time. In that, I find some hope. Maybe a few more will find the Divine before the end. Sadly, though, I think more will be lost than will find their way. This is not the time for salvation. As I am dying, so is the world and in more ways than one.
Life is well, for the most part. I have stopped checking my blood pressure or sugar levels. I have collected all medications and am considering how best to dispose of them. I am 1/3 to ½ packed. And most things are coming together for the move and business-wise. I am wrapping most things up and preparing for a simple, sedate, solitary life. I think I will avoid most interactions with people. I see that most drift in life, their hands are not their own, and evil comes of it. I do not want most people around me, for that reason. I have tried to help some, I have prayed for them, I have served them, I have helped them were I may, all to no avail. They are closer to death than I.
Then again, perhaps Utah is not Iowa City. Though I do not abide Mormanism, as my religion, I see it and it’s fruits as more viable than most denominations of mainline “Christianity”. They have families, they have faith and a real faith not a social one, and they have gone to bat for it. I do know, however, that my faith may not be acceptable there. This is something I will have to find out. From what I have seen, however, that is not necessarily the case. I will find a Catholic Church there, and I will attend, irregularly as that may be. I have a difficult time doing anything at some particular time. If grocery stores were only open an hour a day, and I had no other means of getting food and no one to help, I would starve. I which that was a jest.
I do not think I will be completely packed by the end of the month. Maybe by the middle of next month, maybe not until the end of it. But certainly well in time to move. The extra time is ending up not being a bad thing. Still, I would rather be there, yesterday. This is a sad place, a lonely place, a dying place. The only hope here, for those I am among, is for gold, sex, drugs, and “self”. All of it will be washed away and lost, seen for the fools gold it is, when time is up. It is uncomfortable to be surrounded by these lusts, even or maybe more so, as I become inured to such things. Oh, I still have lusts, but they are the type one can reasonably lay claim within God’s will, if at times I stray a bit far afield. I have stayed celibate for 5 years, and will remain so until I find a wife, and then until after we are wed. I even avoid too much of a dip into the barley-corn, or whatnot. A few beers from time to time, a drink on an occasion, a shot or two to enjoy an evening warmly, if too a very occasional drift into a deeper cup. My other sins are more slight. I am sure sloth can fit, but considering my crippled nature, I am not sure how to avoid it. Ask a leper (of old) why he looks so shabby, it would be similar. And of course there are thoughts. Mostly of women. But, as time has passed, I have learned to control these for the greater part. Perhaps that is why I can be so grumpy? Meh, the price is worth the pound, mostly.
I hope you out there are enjoying life. I hope you are finding ways to keep life clean, kind, open, and honest? I have always felt that my readers are generally good folk. I cannot be certain, but I am not stupid either. I have learned from many of you, and been succored by your graces. Your names have crossed my lips when speaking to God. Even the Godless among you. There is still a little time. Oh, if you are ever curious about your nature, look to what you have sown from the seeds you have planted. Though I have no children, mostly, I think I have tried to sow honesty and love, respect in it’s due, and a harsh tongue it it’s. I know I have been wrong, but I know I am now on the right track. I hope you find yourself on the same train, even if we face the wrong way heading the right way, at times? Be well.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Much to say, not much to say after that.
.
.
So, here it goes. Some of the good news first.
I did not get a B in my coursework. I worked very hard, and did what I could. I got two B’s! Well, one was a B+, but I count it. I received a B+ in physics and a B in probabilities and statistics for engineers. School, for sure, is at an end. Still, it was good to receive a letter releasing me from academic probation. I was on that due to a substantial failing when they first tried to put me on high blood pressure medicine, and could not stay awake more than 6 hours a day. That complicated school. In any case, that chapter of my life is closed and as successfully as I could have hoped in the end. I wrote my physics professor and asked for advice about digging further into physics. He offered a small list of suggested readings and some tactics. If I can get to it, I will. I enjoy the topic. And, as and if I find the way, I would like to tinker more with statistics. It is a powerful tool when used wisely and correctly, plus, it can be just plain fun.
My reloading equipment has arrived. I have not tinkered with it since I will be moving by April, barring some calamity. I have found some resources for finding a rental. My neighbor is from the state and has been a great source for doing research. I have found some help for the move, and though I am not looking forward to the event itself, I am comforted that the outcome is highly desirous. My mother will be helping me pack. I am also trying to bribe another friend into slave work. Ha. I have no idea about these things. The help is vital. They will get some mighty fine cast-offs, I should think. But I do prefer to give cold hard cash as well. Green works where maybes only tease. The deal for the AK’s fell through. The guy seemed shady, and the more I checked and tried to work with him, the worse it got. Perhaps he had “problems”, perhaps he was a cheat, either way, I could not do that. And I have not found a reasonable deal since.
Oh well, I may end up needing the money anyway. Still, it would be very nice to have a couple of those devices. They are handy, and though a cripple in ways, what I can do when against it might impress even the most notoriously doubtful. I just cannot do things for long stretches of time. Then again, I think most people are more impressive than they think. They have just never had that tested.
Bad news? Yeah. I will start slowly and work to the crescendo.
I have not been blogging for a number of reasons. My machine took a dump, and I really do not have the money for new or repair. Like I said, I cannot even really afford a gun I believe to be vital. This machine is hacked, bugged, broken a bit, and frustrating. When it fell down, I was able to half mend it, but my email was broken and some other things are still messed up. I was able to do enough to sort of do email, and hopefully, now, blogging again. It has been quite a difficulty. I am hoping to get going, as soon as I move, on figuring out my finances and how to procure a few things, including a machine and what it takes to keep it clean and clear. Till then everything internet, including blogging, will be spotty.
Now, the hard part. I realize, at this point in life, it is over. My life has ended if I yet breath. I will do nothing to hasten my end, nor will I avoid it. I will be playing computer games, sleeping odd hours, and doing the little things that life absolutely requires. The rest seems beyond my grasp. I will not be checking my bp, glucose, or even seeing doctors. They cannot or will not help, or muck it up when they are actually successfully helping. I guess that is it. I am pretty sure I will have no way of leaving my house often to do the things I want, like climbing, camping, hunting, or such. I enjoyed school, understand. Frustrating as it was, it was always an exploration of subjects, challenged my intellect, pushed some of my limits, and brought various areas together as a focus through which I began to see larger ideas and possibilities. No, I am probably going to be homebound. At least I will able to look out of my window and hopefully see mountains. I will see snow, rain, wind, and be in clean air. I will live near people who are grounded, earthy, natural, and conservative. And, I will die that way. Soon or late, probably sooner. There are worse places and more difficult situations to end though. I will not complain. I guess I had just hoped I could recover, come back to life, be a part of society, or a profession, and be useful. This is as painful for me as life has been in a decade or more. Here I sit all broken-hearted... Yeah, laugh damn you!
So, that is the story to now. If this works, I will try to blog a bit more. Oh, and the other part of the story I was going to tell? I will save that for when I move and then when I have a secure machine. Then you will know, as one ornery and interesting old fart liked to say… the rest of the story.
.
So, here it goes. Some of the good news first.
I did not get a B in my coursework. I worked very hard, and did what I could. I got two B’s! Well, one was a B+, but I count it. I received a B+ in physics and a B in probabilities and statistics for engineers. School, for sure, is at an end. Still, it was good to receive a letter releasing me from academic probation. I was on that due to a substantial failing when they first tried to put me on high blood pressure medicine, and could not stay awake more than 6 hours a day. That complicated school. In any case, that chapter of my life is closed and as successfully as I could have hoped in the end. I wrote my physics professor and asked for advice about digging further into physics. He offered a small list of suggested readings and some tactics. If I can get to it, I will. I enjoy the topic. And, as and if I find the way, I would like to tinker more with statistics. It is a powerful tool when used wisely and correctly, plus, it can be just plain fun.
My reloading equipment has arrived. I have not tinkered with it since I will be moving by April, barring some calamity. I have found some resources for finding a rental. My neighbor is from the state and has been a great source for doing research. I have found some help for the move, and though I am not looking forward to the event itself, I am comforted that the outcome is highly desirous. My mother will be helping me pack. I am also trying to bribe another friend into slave work. Ha. I have no idea about these things. The help is vital. They will get some mighty fine cast-offs, I should think. But I do prefer to give cold hard cash as well. Green works where maybes only tease. The deal for the AK’s fell through. The guy seemed shady, and the more I checked and tried to work with him, the worse it got. Perhaps he had “problems”, perhaps he was a cheat, either way, I could not do that. And I have not found a reasonable deal since.
Oh well, I may end up needing the money anyway. Still, it would be very nice to have a couple of those devices. They are handy, and though a cripple in ways, what I can do when against it might impress even the most notoriously doubtful. I just cannot do things for long stretches of time. Then again, I think most people are more impressive than they think. They have just never had that tested.
Bad news? Yeah. I will start slowly and work to the crescendo.
I have not been blogging for a number of reasons. My machine took a dump, and I really do not have the money for new or repair. Like I said, I cannot even really afford a gun I believe to be vital. This machine is hacked, bugged, broken a bit, and frustrating. When it fell down, I was able to half mend it, but my email was broken and some other things are still messed up. I was able to do enough to sort of do email, and hopefully, now, blogging again. It has been quite a difficulty. I am hoping to get going, as soon as I move, on figuring out my finances and how to procure a few things, including a machine and what it takes to keep it clean and clear. Till then everything internet, including blogging, will be spotty.
Now, the hard part. I realize, at this point in life, it is over. My life has ended if I yet breath. I will do nothing to hasten my end, nor will I avoid it. I will be playing computer games, sleeping odd hours, and doing the little things that life absolutely requires. The rest seems beyond my grasp. I will not be checking my bp, glucose, or even seeing doctors. They cannot or will not help, or muck it up when they are actually successfully helping. I guess that is it. I am pretty sure I will have no way of leaving my house often to do the things I want, like climbing, camping, hunting, or such. I enjoyed school, understand. Frustrating as it was, it was always an exploration of subjects, challenged my intellect, pushed some of my limits, and brought various areas together as a focus through which I began to see larger ideas and possibilities. No, I am probably going to be homebound. At least I will able to look out of my window and hopefully see mountains. I will see snow, rain, wind, and be in clean air. I will live near people who are grounded, earthy, natural, and conservative. And, I will die that way. Soon or late, probably sooner. There are worse places and more difficult situations to end though. I will not complain. I guess I had just hoped I could recover, come back to life, be a part of society, or a profession, and be useful. This is as painful for me as life has been in a decade or more. Here I sit all broken-hearted... Yeah, laugh damn you!
So, that is the story to now. If this works, I will try to blog a bit more. Oh, and the other part of the story I was going to tell? I will save that for when I move and then when I have a secure machine. Then you will know, as one ornery and interesting old fart liked to say… the rest of the story.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
It is 28 F, or less.
.
.
I was born for this weather. I was interested in warming up to get going today. To do so, I heated the cave to 72 F. It worked, but when I returned from doing my shopping, wow!, the cave was just way too hot! So, wearing the tee-shirt I had been wearing, I stripped down other than that (and of course my unders), put on a pair of shorts, and donned the mules. And then out into the night I went. Nice! I love the cool nights. Especially in between the garage and the house. Even if there is no wind flow for the most part, this area creates a breeze. I have been out several times to chill, even after I got the house down to 68 (I cannot get it lower without a great risk of losing the furnace). And, though I like the cool, I do not enjoy having it down to 57 all the time. It makes caving in my unders a bit too much. Anyway, my room stays about 58 F, the rest of the house stays about 68 F. I have options!
I have been enjoying my downtime. I will continue to do so. The first is right around the corner. With a little party (with or without company) then, and a few days of recovery if needed, I will begin in earnest figuring out my next moves and packing as well. I would like to be pretty much ready to move by February. And, I would like to know where I am going by then as well. Perhaps finding a place to live in the winter mountains is easier during the winter, set for a spring(ish) move? I will find out. It will probably be Utah. Though they probably disparage deserters... it might be difficult to do that when the deserter is 100% permanent and total disabled… from the service itself. Talk about a mess, they will figure it out. When they find out I am not interested in drugs, do not want trouble, and am a freeman and Christian, life should be easier for all of us. If they dare dig deeper, they will become quieter still. Not many dead men with good attitudes and righteous notions travel anywhere, let alone their way. Especially since I choose to travel their way for their notions. Just some thoughts.
I will be getting a couple of AK-47s shortly. I might also get another XD Tactical (5” barreled) .45 acp. Having 13 +1 in a reasonably hefty, comfy, and accurate .45 is nothing to sneeze at. Two of such only makes me feel even more comfortable. Two of those is pretty much like having two semi-auto subs, if you know what you are doing. As a bonus, I do. Well, good enough for government work. (Please, no emails about that, thank you… just take it as you want to take it should you seem to have an objection and you will be fine. :P) My reloading equipment will be being sent the 29th or 30th or 31st. I was not sure when I would be back and did not want it sitting out where anybody could take it. Though I did find that reloading expendables are all sold out. Cannot even get backorders for caps. Wow, either manufacturers are already being knee-capped, or sales were outrageous. I will just have to figure things out as time goes on. With a communist monkey in office, it might become more of a fight than I thought.
I have been wine tasting tonight. And a bit of beer. But I stayed away from blogs (needlessly it seems). The wine has tasted great, as usual. I have a favored brand, but I found one of their wines I had not had before. So, on top of my usual, and the beer, but before these others, I tried it. It is a bit fruitier, sweeter, and milder. It is nice for certain occasions, lighter beef fare, perhaps with lamb too, and really it could be the desert or with a good chocolate cake or angel cake desert (right on it, perhaps like a port, if not so sweet or alcoholic). Beer with lemon and the other wine have topped off the event. I did not get too inebriated this eve. I have just kept a nice warm fuzzy feeling going. Ah… splendid.
Well, back to goofing. On a side note, first… The other day I wrote that I woke at 7:30 or so. Well, I did. But it was in the pm, or 19:30 for those like myself. *sigh* So much for staying on schedule. But then, I did indicate that I was not quite awake. Oh well…
Be well, warm, friendly, giving, ornery, and loved. If you are not, leave a comment. I will do what I can to fix you up. Bah!
.
I was born for this weather. I was interested in warming up to get going today. To do so, I heated the cave to 72 F. It worked, but when I returned from doing my shopping, wow!, the cave was just way too hot! So, wearing the tee-shirt I had been wearing, I stripped down other than that (and of course my unders), put on a pair of shorts, and donned the mules. And then out into the night I went. Nice! I love the cool nights. Especially in between the garage and the house. Even if there is no wind flow for the most part, this area creates a breeze. I have been out several times to chill, even after I got the house down to 68 (I cannot get it lower without a great risk of losing the furnace). And, though I like the cool, I do not enjoy having it down to 57 all the time. It makes caving in my unders a bit too much. Anyway, my room stays about 58 F, the rest of the house stays about 68 F. I have options!
I have been enjoying my downtime. I will continue to do so. The first is right around the corner. With a little party (with or without company) then, and a few days of recovery if needed, I will begin in earnest figuring out my next moves and packing as well. I would like to be pretty much ready to move by February. And, I would like to know where I am going by then as well. Perhaps finding a place to live in the winter mountains is easier during the winter, set for a spring(ish) move? I will find out. It will probably be Utah. Though they probably disparage deserters... it might be difficult to do that when the deserter is 100% permanent and total disabled… from the service itself. Talk about a mess, they will figure it out. When they find out I am not interested in drugs, do not want trouble, and am a freeman and Christian, life should be easier for all of us. If they dare dig deeper, they will become quieter still. Not many dead men with good attitudes and righteous notions travel anywhere, let alone their way. Especially since I choose to travel their way for their notions. Just some thoughts.
I will be getting a couple of AK-47s shortly. I might also get another XD Tactical (5” barreled) .45 acp. Having 13 +1 in a reasonably hefty, comfy, and accurate .45 is nothing to sneeze at. Two of such only makes me feel even more comfortable. Two of those is pretty much like having two semi-auto subs, if you know what you are doing. As a bonus, I do. Well, good enough for government work. (Please, no emails about that, thank you… just take it as you want to take it should you seem to have an objection and you will be fine. :P) My reloading equipment will be being sent the 29th or 30th or 31st. I was not sure when I would be back and did not want it sitting out where anybody could take it. Though I did find that reloading expendables are all sold out. Cannot even get backorders for caps. Wow, either manufacturers are already being knee-capped, or sales were outrageous. I will just have to figure things out as time goes on. With a communist monkey in office, it might become more of a fight than I thought.
I have been wine tasting tonight. And a bit of beer. But I stayed away from blogs (needlessly it seems). The wine has tasted great, as usual. I have a favored brand, but I found one of their wines I had not had before. So, on top of my usual, and the beer, but before these others, I tried it. It is a bit fruitier, sweeter, and milder. It is nice for certain occasions, lighter beef fare, perhaps with lamb too, and really it could be the desert or with a good chocolate cake or angel cake desert (right on it, perhaps like a port, if not so sweet or alcoholic). Beer with lemon and the other wine have topped off the event. I did not get too inebriated this eve. I have just kept a nice warm fuzzy feeling going. Ah… splendid.
Well, back to goofing. On a side note, first… The other day I wrote that I woke at 7:30 or so. Well, I did. But it was in the pm, or 19:30 for those like myself. *sigh* So much for staying on schedule. But then, I did indicate that I was not quite awake. Oh well…
Be well, warm, friendly, giving, ornery, and loved. If you are not, leave a comment. I will do what I can to fix you up. Bah!
Saturday, December 27, 2008
A nice morning.
.
.
I woke at 7:00. I have been goofing this morning, waking up as I usually do... slowly. I need to begin making my plans. I need to figure out where I am going and what I am going to do. I need to decide how to get there, how much it will cost, and the best way to do it as economically as possible. I still have a few things I wish to buy, and a couple of things are still in the process of being procured. But the first two hours after waking up is not the time to be doing that exploring and decision making. As a fact, the only thing that first two hours is good for is getting my eyes to stay open and deciding if I need to use the lavatory or not (which I did, if you are curious).
By the way, I was able to tend the call to my Mom. I called her home while she was away. I left a message letting her know I made it home and am well. I was polite, and as always, told her I loved her. I know, in time, I will need to talk with her personally. For now, this will do. I cannot change the fact that we are the way we are and that we cannot live together. I cannot change some things. She should have known this. Even with my family and friends, business is business.
I may begin looking at areas on the internet. I might do some price checking. But I am not going to do a lot of heavy work until after New Years. As well, I will (probably) hold off packing a great deal until then as well. Little jobs might be done, but the major tasks will just have to wait. The same goes for all other local tasks I wish to accomplish. Those will wait until after the first. I need some down time, here in the cave. I need to relax and get my bearings. I need to settle with the notion that school is over, probably forever. I have to understand that I will probably never work, or be useful, in any significant way. I am retired.
Then again, I do not want to relax into oblivion, even for a short bit. I am going to have to keep on the surface, at least until I am working toward my move. Then I will have to ramp things up a bit. I will only be able to really rest, again, when I am finally moved wherever it is I end up. I have to watch things then, as well, though. That pit is too deep if I just drop and allow it. I will need to begin finding out about the land around me, some of the people, church, and a few other things. Some of these things will be researched before I go, yet research is nothing like reality quite often. I will have more than one option when I move, too. If one place does not work like I thought it would, I need to have a second and third option, right from the start. I am not willing to settle on lesser places. I am looking for a place to live the rest of my life. I want to be happy, comfortable, and safe.
Happiness, not being what most people seem to think, is a real quantity I am looking for. To me it is a deep sense of personal, moral, ethical, and social harmony. It comes from finding a place where, even if I do not fit, I can at least find a place within what is around me. I know now I will never actually fit anywhere. I do not fit with “intellectuals”, they are too often pansies. I do not fit with hicks, they live their own ways and are no more moral than the “intellectuals”. I do not fit with the freaks, the average, or the above or below average. If I am not necessarily singular, I am close enough. I understand I will not find a place and a people, I will merely find a place I can enjoy with people who can let well enough alone without isolating me either.
I am not sure what to do, at the moment. I have too much time and I am trying to take it easy until January. I can goof a bit, and enjoy that. But it does get boring. If the weather is still warm, I may head out and take a look around some of my favorite summer areas. It got to 50 F around here, after several weeks of a hard frozen world. I am not sure what it is today. I know I can gear up for up to -40 F (at least) though, so I should be good. Maybe tomorrow. I have not heard if my friend will be coming through or not. I have not heard a word from my lady friend. So, for now, I am on my own to do what I will. One thing for sure, I am hoping to regulate my sleeping and waking periods. So, my goal is to stay awake all day. Maybe I can begin going over some of my coursework.
I will figure it out. Have a good day.
.
I woke at 7:00. I have been goofing this morning, waking up as I usually do... slowly. I need to begin making my plans. I need to figure out where I am going and what I am going to do. I need to decide how to get there, how much it will cost, and the best way to do it as economically as possible. I still have a few things I wish to buy, and a couple of things are still in the process of being procured. But the first two hours after waking up is not the time to be doing that exploring and decision making. As a fact, the only thing that first two hours is good for is getting my eyes to stay open and deciding if I need to use the lavatory or not (which I did, if you are curious).
By the way, I was able to tend the call to my Mom. I called her home while she was away. I left a message letting her know I made it home and am well. I was polite, and as always, told her I loved her. I know, in time, I will need to talk with her personally. For now, this will do. I cannot change the fact that we are the way we are and that we cannot live together. I cannot change some things. She should have known this. Even with my family and friends, business is business.
I may begin looking at areas on the internet. I might do some price checking. But I am not going to do a lot of heavy work until after New Years. As well, I will (probably) hold off packing a great deal until then as well. Little jobs might be done, but the major tasks will just have to wait. The same goes for all other local tasks I wish to accomplish. Those will wait until after the first. I need some down time, here in the cave. I need to relax and get my bearings. I need to settle with the notion that school is over, probably forever. I have to understand that I will probably never work, or be useful, in any significant way. I am retired.
Then again, I do not want to relax into oblivion, even for a short bit. I am going to have to keep on the surface, at least until I am working toward my move. Then I will have to ramp things up a bit. I will only be able to really rest, again, when I am finally moved wherever it is I end up. I have to watch things then, as well, though. That pit is too deep if I just drop and allow it. I will need to begin finding out about the land around me, some of the people, church, and a few other things. Some of these things will be researched before I go, yet research is nothing like reality quite often. I will have more than one option when I move, too. If one place does not work like I thought it would, I need to have a second and third option, right from the start. I am not willing to settle on lesser places. I am looking for a place to live the rest of my life. I want to be happy, comfortable, and safe.
Happiness, not being what most people seem to think, is a real quantity I am looking for. To me it is a deep sense of personal, moral, ethical, and social harmony. It comes from finding a place where, even if I do not fit, I can at least find a place within what is around me. I know now I will never actually fit anywhere. I do not fit with “intellectuals”, they are too often pansies. I do not fit with hicks, they live their own ways and are no more moral than the “intellectuals”. I do not fit with the freaks, the average, or the above or below average. If I am not necessarily singular, I am close enough. I understand I will not find a place and a people, I will merely find a place I can enjoy with people who can let well enough alone without isolating me either.
I am not sure what to do, at the moment. I have too much time and I am trying to take it easy until January. I can goof a bit, and enjoy that. But it does get boring. If the weather is still warm, I may head out and take a look around some of my favorite summer areas. It got to 50 F around here, after several weeks of a hard frozen world. I am not sure what it is today. I know I can gear up for up to -40 F (at least) though, so I should be good. Maybe tomorrow. I have not heard if my friend will be coming through or not. I have not heard a word from my lady friend. So, for now, I am on my own to do what I will. One thing for sure, I am hoping to regulate my sleeping and waking periods. So, my goal is to stay awake all day. Maybe I can begin going over some of my coursework.
I will figure it out. Have a good day.
Mum…
.
.
She called this morning, crying and such. She wants me to call, which of course I will do. I got home a bit late last night and I am just waking this morning, so I had not done that. I think she knows or at least fears that I will not be living with her now. I must admit, to a degree, I tested her. I wanted to know how this would work. It was not a harsh test or a tricky test. And, in part, it was natural (I really could not sleep and so I really could not wake well or early because of it). But not doing a task when I had finally awaken was to check her response, especially with company there. After being awake only a half hour, she wanted me to get going on taking the Christmas lights down (not very many and they are all on the ground, more like lighted decorations). I would have been pleased to do the work, take them down, store them away, but not “right now”. And, I prefer to work alone. I do not want her (or anyone's) interference. If I am unsure about something, I will ask (such as where they go, if there are boxes, etc., which I ask up front). She wants things done NOW, when she is in certain moods. Which is fine, for someone else, perhaps.
My blood pressure this morning was almost as good as it gets on medicine. It was 162/100. My best ever has been 136/96 or so. My pulse was 76, where my normal (since boot camp) was more like 80 to 90, resting (same with bp being about that “best ever”, as I recall, maybe 10 off both(?) maybe right there… something like that). I slept well here at the cave. I do not have classes to take, I do not have demands put on me by anyone, and I can sleep and wake as I wish (need). As well, I can keep the sleeping cave cool. I should get going on packing but I am enjoying the relaxation of the season. Plus, much of the business I would like to do is just not doable at the moment due to the season (yeah!).
I will give Mum a call. I know she is going to be a bit freaky when she knows for sure that I will not be moving in. I just have to be prepared for a hang-up or screeching that might require me to hang up. Bump… just felt the bp take a leap. Oh well. I will take a nap after that.
Have a good day.
.
She called this morning, crying and such. She wants me to call, which of course I will do. I got home a bit late last night and I am just waking this morning, so I had not done that. I think she knows or at least fears that I will not be living with her now. I must admit, to a degree, I tested her. I wanted to know how this would work. It was not a harsh test or a tricky test. And, in part, it was natural (I really could not sleep and so I really could not wake well or early because of it). But not doing a task when I had finally awaken was to check her response, especially with company there. After being awake only a half hour, she wanted me to get going on taking the Christmas lights down (not very many and they are all on the ground, more like lighted decorations). I would have been pleased to do the work, take them down, store them away, but not “right now”. And, I prefer to work alone. I do not want her (or anyone's) interference. If I am unsure about something, I will ask (such as where they go, if there are boxes, etc., which I ask up front). She wants things done NOW, when she is in certain moods. Which is fine, for someone else, perhaps.
My blood pressure this morning was almost as good as it gets on medicine. It was 162/100. My best ever has been 136/96 or so. My pulse was 76, where my normal (since boot camp) was more like 80 to 90, resting (same with bp being about that “best ever”, as I recall, maybe 10 off both(?) maybe right there… something like that). I slept well here at the cave. I do not have classes to take, I do not have demands put on me by anyone, and I can sleep and wake as I wish (need). As well, I can keep the sleeping cave cool. I should get going on packing but I am enjoying the relaxation of the season. Plus, much of the business I would like to do is just not doable at the moment due to the season (yeah!).
I will give Mum a call. I know she is going to be a bit freaky when she knows for sure that I will not be moving in. I just have to be prepared for a hang-up or screeching that might require me to hang up. Bump… just felt the bp take a leap. Oh well. I will take a nap after that.
Have a good day.
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