Ha-ha!

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Hell's yeah. I got out tonight. Don't know why not last night or any day in the last week. At this point I don't care. I purchased enough food to last a week or two, and tobacco to last nearly two months. Since I didn't know when I would be in again I decided, after doing my major grocery shopping, to call my friend. While late I thought he might like the chance to get out. He did and so out we went. Nothing fancy. He picked up some bullets for reloading, I bought the one thing my usual store doesn't stock... the type of wet cat food I feed the girls. Then I grabbed a meal and ate it at his place while we watched some tube. Every time I see television again I am reminded why I dropped it. Commercials and all around shitty product between the aforementioned.

Really nice. I also sort of promised-suggested I would try to make it in again Monday. I am not sure I can, but... it's a goal. I let him know that too. I hope to go to Mass Monday, and maybe swim. Hmm, I need trunks that fit though. Everything I have is now too big, way too big. I'll have to figure that out. This weekend I hope to get my act together and finish my place. With the clothes and the bedding and most of the dishes sorted out, I need to do the sweeping, mopping, bathroom, picking up here and there.

What is the final goal? Well, I suppose all of those things ARE the final goal. Dreams of more are fading. Keeping myself and my home up, then doing what else is necessary, that will be as good as it gets and probably only something I will be able to do once in a while. I'm driving on three flat tires, I'll never get up to even highway speed, forget about 200 like I used to go. Not really complaining, we were only ever meant to go fast for so long anyway. Beyond that it becomes false bravado. If only I may truly know what has happened, I know I have nothing left to prove to men, or even women. To God? Well, that's an everyday thing now. I will always have to prove myself to Him. Personally, if not completely on the moral side just on the living side, I would guess I impress Him. The man with both no heart and all heart? Yeah, perhaps.

Well, on to things. Hmm, breaded fried chops and a salad are in the offing later, I believe. Yeah, I got some salad makings. I also bought spinach for some fresh steamed goop. Love that stuff, once an occasional. Mostly meats though, that's just what I do.

Good night.

Bah!

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Still haven't been able to get out. Not sure what the deal is. I did, however, change my bedding, leaving my bed to air out overnight. I have been eating, cooking, and tending the dishes rather well as well. I just can't get things arranged to get out. Everything is ready. I've taken care of my list. I honestly don't know what else to do. Then again, there was no 'window of opportunity'. Perhaps there are limits to what I can simply create out of thin air. It sounds impossibly stupid, when looked at directly. And yet it is the truth. I am stuck. At least I am stuck with clean clothes, mostly clean dishes, and a clean bed now. Oh, and I am clean too. All of that is an improvement, some are needed for when I finally am able to get out.

I simply don't know how to shake free. Eating well isn't doing it. I tried the Anacin to see if it would work twice. I think it only gave me a jolt because it was combined with relieving pain. There must not be enough of a hit of caffeine in them to otherwise give me the boost the first dose gave me recently. I would use a prybar if I knew where to apply it. Hah!

Well, later.

Could be?

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Tonight might really be the night that I escape my digs for the first time in... I don't even know when the last time I left was. It's not important to the task, to know. I've definitely had worse. And while I did sink into the morass a bit deeper than usual for out here, last winter was worse if for it's own particular reason. I am surprised I am climbing out on my own. That truly is a first, if an inconsequential thing if viewed from the outside. It must be like watching a fast slug compared to a slow slug. While relativism as a human notion is bunk, there are applications where it does apply. *grins*

I showered last night in prep to shower again tonight. Sounds silly but, just go with it. I fixed a more real meal tonight, spaghetti and meat sauce. This time I had a small collection of extra spices to add my own real touch to it. More garlic, of course. But also more oregano, a touch of my gnarly cayenne, a bit of cumin, and a few other things. My sauce does not taste like it was store-bought. It brings a twinge to the jowls like those bitter-sweet candies, only without the regret and not quite so sour. Loverly.

I see it is February 22nd already. Time flies when you are unaware. Oh, and I have been keeping up on dishes. I won't plan anything else beside going to the store tonight. I think that was my undoing last time. Too many things on my list and I bog down like a computer with bloatware! At least at this point. I also collected some of the trash, and all of the recycling, and that will be the one thing to do beside shopping, but it is as simple as going out with me as I leave. Bit by bit I am getting my feet back under me and my wind back. I'm just faking it at the moment but I can live with that.

Later.

Moving on.

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But not going very fast or very far. More dishes were done, including the cleanup for the last few meals. I redid the stove going over the whole thing this time. Just trying to keep up. Then a major headache hit and that was that. I haven't had a migraine in months, perhaps a year or more? I really ought to get back on my medicine. You would think I could just do... whatever. But I can't. I did play the game, it took my mind off the headache, mostly. I finally gave in and took aspirin, the type with caffeine, 1200 mg.

In other words, I didn't get out, I didn't change and wash my bedding, and I didn't finish the last of the dishes. So be it. I have today, or really tomorrow. I am doing what I can. For the moment I am stuck. I'll get there. Like I said, this is new territory. I am making a window, not simply going through one or trying to go through something presented to me. And, actually, I am pleased that I have come so far while blind. Blind you ask? Yes, when I am without... mind, body, something... I am blind in a way you can't quite know. Most of you have had times where you didn't know what what the moral, correct, right thing to do was. Just imagine if everything from eating to dressing to checking the mail, and definitely anything more complicated became just as... unsure to you. It is a type of blindness, though I am not sure what it is I don't see, only that I can't figure things out. If you have watched (or better read) The Lord of the Rings series, the Nazgûl might be a type of similar irregularity. They don't have normal spacial reasoning among other things. They 'understood' differently. Just... a sort of example. Never mind, just trying to explain. To you and me.

The medicine worked, the headache is mostly gone, but it is nearing bedtime. I try to stay up between 15 and 18 hours a day, sleeping between six and eight hours. I am not using my alarm clock though. When I am in this sort of haze, an alarm clock will irritate me to sleep longer, to try and escape it or... ignore it... or beat it... or surrender... or something. I haven't figured out how things work in the fog, I just know that a few things do function differently and know some of them. Not all of them. Footdragging seems to be a method of sanity for me, in these times. I suppose that is how I have survived so long with such a bad heart? Probably.

Well, on to a bit more gaming before I crash. This is becoming quite annoying, even with my modest but appreciable and real successes. Later.

Deep fried chicken gizzards.

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In lard. Like I said, my arteries are clean as a whistle, I don't have gout, and I doubt if it would matter anyway. I have a strong suspicion that most "food science" is about as politically motivated as "global warming"(tm). The more they have gotten people to eat less meat and fat, the fatter people have gotten. Then again, with an aging, dying, population, that is just what happens. Only a few genetically special people remain svelte their whole lives. Well, those and the moderately poor and those too foolish to use their slim moneys for food.

I am hoping tonight is the night to sneak out. I just haven't been up to it so far. It's not, always, that I have an order by which to do things that cannot be altered, save for having clean clothes but that is fair. It has to do with having enough stored energy, or the sense that I do, to risk leaving my home. Like a very long drive with no gas stations, if you aren't sure your vehicle will make it don't take the risk. While I am almost certain, and have never failed, to go out and come back, I realize this is just a sensory thing. Then again, I have seen the devistation to my life when I push too hard too fast. Eventually it will be fatal, one way or another.

The fried gizzards where splendid. I kept trying to figure out how my mother made them so crispy. When we were kids, she made them ever so often. And her regular fried chicken was the stuff of county fair blue ribbon material. I figured it out, hot. Not just a little, not mostly. HOT. And you really have to keep an eye on those things while they are in. But crispy? If I can make this and fried chicken like this every time, if it wasn't unconstitutional, I'd marry myself! Sex wouldn't suffer (can't). *shrug* And, no, I'm not a narcissist. But who marries for love anyway. But excellent fried foods? You bet!

And, yeah, all of my meal dishes are soaking. I need to redo the sudsy water and try and kick out more of the remnants of the other dishes that remain. Something about a clean, tidy, decent to live in home that makes one happier to be alive. My mother had here faults. She had here qualities too. Beside letting us know, very often, that she loved us she instilled in us manners, propriety, and certain ethics, including work ethic. I had thought the work ethic failed on me but I think I was a bit ill even back then. Not at disability levels, just... a nagging lack of energy at times. And she did it mostly on her own. Two boys who would otherwise have been orphanage rats. I like to think she did the world, and us, a great favor. She did what she could with what she had, and like most country girls, that ain't bad.

Yeah, yeah, I know. A soaking of some dishes, stripping of the bed to air out, a bit of laundry, and a few hours of gaming in between, and maybe to town tonight. The cats are getting very long in the face about hard cat food. And I really have to keep an eye on water for them now too. Still, it's good for them to learn to live lean from tine to time. In summer I ought to go solely to hard cat food to induce mousing. And I am thinking about having weekends be hard cat food only days... call it 'chef's holiday'.

Later.

Dishes.

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After days of monkeying around with the drain plug I just went back to the trusty old dishpan. Well, that and the other-other sink. Two loads and two pots done, plus the stove top receiving a proper scrubbing. While there are some things I don't like about glass top stoves, their fragility spooks me, there is much to like. Cleanup is an absolute breeze.

With laundry done, save bedding, and dishes well over half way completed, I simply need to police the place up a bit, take out the trash and recycling, redo my bed, and life will be back to some sort of sanity. I hope, yet tonight, to sneak out. I need to check my mail, get more canned cat food, milk, and a few other things. I am thawing chicken gizzards, hamburger, and a couple of t-bones currently. I need to keep the food supply up or this will all fail. It may anyway, but food is vital.

Oh, yeah, I ought to grab some more salami and cheese. It makes for a perfect meal. And while expensive, even the $10 chunk lasts for four meals or so. Too rich to just down, especially with some cheese and crackers on the side. Cheese can be pricey too, but as with the sausages, it goes a long way. Let me see, $20 over 5 meals is $4. I think I can do that. I am not sure I have much choice. Only beans and rice are cheaper but I need meat in there which shoots the cost way up. You just can't get away without spending, and spending, and spending. Even when you think you don't have it.

I was trying to figure out what day today was. Then I realized I didn't know which week in the month it is. I finally realized I have no idea what month it is. I still haven't checked. I would guess it's February but I simply don't know. I would actually say I think it is January I just don't want to sound dated. :p

Well, I will need a shower before going to town. I am not sure I am up to it. If not, I am getting much closer. Later.

Hmm, well, let's try that again.

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Was all geared to go out last night. No clothes, no clean clothes anyway. So, through the night, I have done about six loads of laundry. I folded, hung, and put away all as appropriate save a large basket of socks that need sorted. I would have done dishes along with it but for some reason my sink simply won't hold water. Damn plugs. Never you mind, I'll figure it out. With clean clothes I am more sure to get to town tonight or tomorrow. I am still... grinding my way through this. Stupid heart just isn't there. And it's not just the gaming keeping me occupied. My wounds aren't healing. A sign that what is ailing me is quite real and very physical.

Not much else to report. It was good to get the laundry done though. Next, the bedding and dishes, if I can get the sink to plug up properly. I may look around online, see if anyone has advice about that. Whatever.

Later.

No window.

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I'm not seeing a way through. So, for the first time in memory, I am going to try to make my own path. To that end, I roasted a chuck roast the other day to feed up, then roasted enough chicken to see me through a few days of good solid eating. I got a shower in today, and the phone is charged. I plan on another shower, then a trip to town tonight to tend shopping needs. Perhaps tomorrow afternoon, or the day after as I can't make promises yet, I will go in and get my friend out of his place. I don't know if it will work, but there it is. Oh, and I need to get back on medicine. Tonight or tomorrow I will be resetting my medi-set.

I just don't have what it takes. Everything I do is a major effort. While I enjoy the games, they actually become more like work as I go to the higher levels and try to carve out specific plans. I tend to think games do enhance intelligence, if they are played at the harder levels and without cheats. No pain no gain works for the mind as much as it works for the body, and hard game modes are painful at times. The games don't add to my life in some ways, and yet that create something I can do in my time, at my pace, and at the level of difficulty I am prepared to participate with.

I best get going. A bit more gaming, then a shower and to town. I don't know how well it will work just forcing things. But at this point it is as much as I can do and the only option I have. I am absolutely tired of being sick and tired! :P Life is still good, it just has no meaning currently. I'd like to fix that.

Later.

Oh, right. I am still in here, are you still out there?

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Time flies when you aren't aware. Last I knew it was... the 25th? Yeah. Now it's already the 17th or 18th or something. I think I've been out of the house once in that time, maybe twice. I've been out of soda for days, that always gives me huge headaches. I'm almost out of tobacco. I buy tobacco for two months at a time now, when I can. Running out of that and not being able to get out is really harsh, especially when added to the effects of caffeine withdrawal. Never mind.

My friend has called a number of times. My lady friend called too. Lots of email. I couldn't have answered or read, my phone has been dead for... a week, two? Just not on things right now. The phone still isn't charged enough to use yet but I am not ready to get out in any case. I hope to sneak out in the next day or night or two to take care of my own stuff first, as I don't have what it takes, atm, to shop for myself and help my friend browse at the same time. If I take care of my needs first, then I can go in and just let him go where he wants and get what he needs or wants.

Gaming is going well. The game I am playing is non-linear and a bit buggy. It's a fantastic game but it has it's drawbacks. What I mean when I say non-linear is that missions can be done in a large number of orders which makes going back to replay something very difficult unless you save after every mission and catalog the saves somehow, as you don't get to name the saves. It's not perfectly designed, either, in that if you do the missions one way, you may not get something. And more, the way to "win" doesn't always work. The gameplay is fun, and varied though.

I took a shower today. Absolutely wonderful things, showers that is. I am sure a bath would be even better but you have to draw it, then figure out how to keep it hot, and... all that stuff. I'm not sure why women love baths as much as they seem to do? It seems like a lot of work to my mind. Or at least a lot of fuss. Hmm, they don't have to stand? I dunno. Then again, like I have any real clue about the human female mind. Though I have come to suspect that they rarely have a grasp of their own mind, wants, and needs either. How did I get on the subject of women? Bah!

Later.

Weird.

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Despite not knowing the day of the week, or... much else regarding the outside world, I have been eating fairly well. And, somehow, losing significant belly size. I'm slimming down. I haven't been this "slim" since I first became ill. Though, to be fair, much of the medicine I have been asked to take caused weight gain, and further the real cause of my illness caused me to gain water weight excessively. Still, it is fantastic to be slimming down, if my clothes, even the newer smaller clothes, are beginning to seem more like gunny sacks than clothes. I still weigh 270, so it doesn't make sense. I guess it is all a matter of were you lose and what you lose.

I haven't been able to get to anything, pretty much. Gaming, still, continues. And I play incredibly long spells. I quit the gaming and I just end up sleeping and even more confused, so I will keep it. Medicines... I keep dropping off that. I just don't understand. It used to be easy to take. I need to reset the medicine container and begin trying it again. As I said, I have been eating. Two meals a "day", and decent meals. They are neither too big, mostly, nor too small. I can't keep up with the six meal a day thing, but when I can I will get back to that. Just a bite, now and again. Never hungry, never full. But it is a high maintenance operation when you add in shopping, prep, cooking, and cleaning. Fruits just don't do it for me, even when paired with peanut butter or something.

I absolutely destroy games. Now, I don't get every last detail known, and how it functions. But for using (mostly) unscientific methods, I learn how to crack a game open, rip it apart, and assemble the play to my liking within (and sometimes outside a bit) of the design. While it is not profitable, I learn nothing functionally useful for the world in general in real terms, and some other problems, it does give me problems I can solve given the energy I have. It gives me something nearly real to do. And it keeps me out of that FUCKING bed. Sorry. I just hate being bed-bound. I hate being even more down and out, confused, in pain.

I'm thinking about life. I just don't have a way back to it. But it is good. I'm not in bed and I don't think my health is deteriorating. I think diabetes is on the retreat as well. Later.

A fluke. Bah!

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The few good days I had seem to have been more of a kind accident than a path forward. My days and nights are all messed up again. I've fallen and hard. At least the game keeps me occupied, so that I am not sleeping all of the time. And, yes, that is a nice thing. When you sleep for many hours a day, or even days on end, the world seriously gets out of control.

I am continuing medicines and food, mostly. Dishes are, of course, becoming a problem again. Well, and laundry, neatness, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, KoC work, other efforts. It's all conspiring to... not get done. I have been feeding the cats, too. Though I really need to change the litter boxes. I simply can't quite think myself to action. I don't have that vital something. I had hoped getting out would do it. I hoped too that the tree work (little of it that I did) would shake me up. Nope. I really just want to sleep. I don't even want to play the stupid game. How odd, having to force yourself to play video games? As a gamer?

I never said it would make sense. I try to make sense, but my world, my reality, they don't work out no matter how well designed the equation. My heart should have given out long ago. And my sanity, from being falsely accused of being mentally ill, should have collapsed. I shouldn't be able to do the things I can do. I shouldn't be able to even scrape by on my own. Should, could, would, all have meanings. In my world though those meanings are suspended.

Still trying to angle toward recovery. I just don't have anything to grasp at that might get me there at this time. There is no window. I am just here. Never mind, this will pass. Good night or day or something like that.

Getting back on my feet.

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Two days, two goals. Done. I didn't get to Church again today, but I wasn't sure that was possible anyway. I seem to be doing a bit better, a lot better. Tomorrow the goal is to make it to Mass, go swimming for the first time, and then visit my friend. I have checked for a price for another pistol he wants to buy. I might be able to get him a slightly better price through my contacts. New, all else same-same, it is just that the seller is pretty much simply not looking for profit and has no overhead.

Not much else in the news here. Good night.

Awake and in time?

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I am awake and considering Mass. It is just a matter of watching the clock closely enough that a shower and getting dressed in time. It's a minor trick for most of you, a major one for me at times. Alarms don't really work, not when I am like this. It's more a matter of having the strength of mind to remain focused. It's a goal. No more than that. I can't allow myself to become too upset about missing a goal, it then just comes to focusing on the next goal should I succeed or fail.

For the next three days, today included, I have timed events. Oh, and I just received an appointment card for the 7th to top those things off. As well, I hope my goggles arrive in time to begin swimming on the 5th. Every other day with swimming, along with Mass mostly. Thankfully gas prices have dropped just a bit.

I have been keeping up on eating, but the kitchen needs some... work. So that goes though. Between food and medicine I have been able to keep from simply not being for a while. An empty husk I may be, but aware enough and with some memory. I at least know I have missed something. Crazy from lame, I suppose. Still it's better to coast than free-fall.

I really want to get that automatic cat litter box. That would make me and the cats very happy. Automation, it's your friend. Gaming is going well. You really don't learn much from them, not even how to play the next game. What I would love is a game that actually requires you to learn math and science facts in a functional manner. I think people would be surprised how well that went over. Seriously, calc and physics based games where you have to use the basics to launch attacks, or figure out puzzles. I'd buy it, I just can't write it. No fudging though. Engineering students (gamers) would eat it up.

Best get going. Later.

Perfect, perhaps not.

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But I am off my butt. At least for today. My friend called, but he has been calling for a few days, off and on, I think. Yeah, yeah, I heard the calls. No one was home. Just because I hear it doesn't mean I can do a thing about it. It busts me up too. It reminds me of those times when I was truly torn up in a hospital somewhere, lying on my back, and the phone would ring. I really am no better at answering the damned thing now than then. At least it gives me a goal. It is real, somehow. Oh, and I finally got in and joined the gym. Just for the pool at the moment. But that could change.

I keep looking at the chainsaws. The man that came and cut the tree had the exact one I am considering, a Husqvarna 455 Rancher. He takes about eight trees a year, he would guess. And he likes it quite well. He said that or a Stihl. After a bit of research, it was suggested that either would be fine, if there was a local dealership and repair shop. So, a bit of digging and? I find a repair shop for each, locally. More than that, I find a shop that sells and services both brands. A good place to visit, don't you think? I have a lot of wood to dice up and more branches to bring down. And I might know a way to it.

More than that, plans are in the works. I have a Mass to attend tomorrow. Don't know how, I just know I have to get there. It's making it on time, I have no... measure or rhythm that allows me to... gauge time? I don't see it coming or going. It would be like you, while drifting at sea after a few weeks, to be able to see a wave and then touch it, or... something crazy like that. Anyway, Mass tomorrow. Then catching a football game, the game, with my friend in Logan on Sunday, and maybe another Mass. No, I just like to go to Mass. I really do, I am simply fettered.

As well, I have an appointment for a haircut next Thursday and a meal two Wednesdays from now, so about two and a half weeks away. I invited the man who cut the limb, and his wife. I hope to have the wood cut up for him by then, and my home cleaned. Ugh! And, swimming Monday, along with Mass and taking my friend out to shoot one of his pistols. He is getting 'shooting cranky'. It's almost as bad as a young man not getting any female attention. As well, I need to get going on some KoC affairs and making appointments with the V.A. I clean missed two of those. I saw them coming, sort of. And I saw that I had passed them. Like the wave to the sea-blind man, I could not touch them, couldn't even see them as real. Yeah, yeah. Believe me, I try.

So, plans and more plans. Some things done, more to do. So be it. I will do what I can. This crazy lameness has gone on far too long. Hup! Go, go, go! *shhhh* Just... do it while they aren't watching.

Alive and... something.

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Life is simply moving forward, pretty much without me. No serious problems, mostly. The things that exist are beyond my ability to manage at the moment, little and big things. I am, for the most part, back on a day schedule, for what it matters. I am pretty much just alive, not quite living. I wish I could say it was the gaming. The gaming is helping me to regulate my days and stay awake. When I don't play I simply end up sleeping long cycles, running into days.

I would still like to figure out how to set up the 'day lamp'. It is not that it takes a great deal of effort, but it means making choices, creating space, figuring out how to plug it in, minor things that attack my fragile consciousness like mosquitoes attacking my body in heavily wooded swampy areas.

I'm working on working on things. I am back on my medicines, after many tries. The last week has seen to regular taking of medicine. I don't take it perfectly, sometimes remembering later in the day to take my "morning" dose, and then taking my evening dose shortly following. That is as good as I have been able to do in quite some time. The medicine, at times, will help me take it simply through whatever it does for me. Not now. It is a struggle.

I may need to buy a chain saw. A very large limb came down out back. Further, I may need to learn a bit about electricity and risk turning off electricity. The branch snagged one of the power lines to one of the outbuildings. This whole process will be somewhat risky. The missionaries plan to help. Just having someone around in case I... do something else exciting and interesting will be good. At least they could call 911 for an evac.

Enough for now. Just letting you know that I am alive. Later.

Clear skies.

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And, actually, very little snow on the ground. Much of it melted. The ground here just wasn't cold enough to pile the snow on, with the rain for the last few days softening and warming it all up. It, thankfully, doesn't look too slick either. I really enjoy having mountains to look out my window. More the reason to open my curtains.

I slept until about 6:00. My sleep is not very satisfying lately. No matter. I am eating and sleeping much more regularly, even if I don't feel like it. Something odd I am finding is that, in my games, the periods where my reflexes are the fastest have no correlation with how I feel. Whether I feel very tired or not, that is, I can be at my best. I don't understand that at all. I would have thought that when I am very tired feeling that I would also not be fast in the game. I really don't understand this illness. Now, when I am tired, I don't always feel like playing, but sometimes I do anyway. Which is why, in part, I am a gamer. It eats time, it keeps me somewhat more functional, and really... it keeps me out of bed. I hate being bed-bound. I hate it when I can't stay up.

I think I need a nap, so morning Mass is probably out. I don't mind naps, if I can keep them to just an hour or two. It is when they begin to take over my days and stretch for many hours, ruining my work and changing my schedule around that "naps" become a problem. And, fight it as I may, often it matters little. If I have to sleep then I have to sleep. I don't have any tools to fight that at times. I just wish the medicines, now that I am back on them more regularly, might help more. It might be the diabetes kicking back in though too. The V.A. finally sent those. They must have realized I hadn't picked them up (they sent the scripts to a local pharmacy, but though it was on my list, I simply couldn't be there, on time, to get them, in a timely fashion). I still haven't started those.

You would think that it is quite easy to just add a medicine to a routine. Odd as it seems, that isn't as easy for me as it might seem. I have to think about it. Do I really want to take this stuff? After the decision is made, then I have to find the stuff, and then I have to add it to my medicine set. Being that everything moves slowly when I'm in this kind of a funk, it just... doesn't happen. Well, until it does happen. I need to reset my medicine-set, and I have decided to take them, so it should be on the schedule tomorrow... a month after they were prescribed? *sigh* I really do try.

Oh! The sun just rose above the mountains to the east. What an absolutely beautiful morning. Perhaps God just wants me to see a little more beauty, to realize a little more love, and to buy a bit better property with minor suffering before I go? It is nice, even in my odd little sad ways, to finally actually enjoy this life. I won't mind trading it for heaven, but I'll take what I get for as long as it is mine to have. Good day.

P.S. I haven't been editing lately. I just don't have the juice. So if it looks bad, reading here, that is why. I can't focus.

Snow, heavy snow.

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After several days of rain we are finally getting snow. On my way to town, I went the way south first. There were places were water was overrunning the road. Not quite enough to stop traffic, enough to slow it a great deal though. Luckily, I hit the first of those when I was at a slower speed, and so started watching for them. Hitting one of those at speed would be a serious wake-up call, very possibly a serious accident. I slowed it down a great deal after that. I would say it might have been deep enough to put a small car out of action, perhaps as deep as six inches and up to 15 feet long, perhaps more. On the way back I took the other way. By then it had changed from rain to snow. Slick too. There was one place I really needed my Iowa driving skills, even with 4-high, out of over-drive, and going only 45mph. It looks like the snow machine is trying to make up for the lack of snow so far and all at once.

Because of the slow down in traffic, there was no way I was going to get my friend shopping and make it to Church. So, tomorrow, either in the morning or afternoon, I need to make it to Church. I need to get back to going on weekdays too. My problem is exhaustion.

I have nearly finished the dishes. I think I have a pot that I mixed the spaghetti in, for heating, earlier, and a few other items. Very little is left. Then I need to clean the kitchen and do laundry, finish it anyway. The exhaustion is excruciating right now. While the medicines seem to help, in full winter they have a limited ability to help. I really need to get the day-lamp set up and begin using it. I never gave it a chance before because I never could quite figure out where to set it up. That isn't a problem this time. I pray that it works. I need something to help, the medicines just aren't cutting it. And the threat of falling off them again, simply due to a lack of ability to stay even modestly functional, is real. It says a lot for medicine if I am seriously trying to take them.

My waterproof mp3 player arrived today. I won't be setting it up until tomorrow or... later. I knew, being an Apple, I would be ripped off by being forced to use the Apple store, but it was the best of options as far as an mp3 player for swimming and working out more generally. I prefer Zune, which allowed anything to be put on the player. But that simply wasn't available. Never mind, this should do. My shoes have been shipped too. I can't wait to try those. I hope they work. Novel, but also... interesting. I often will use my heels to walk, but prefer the barefoot style of motation, using the palms of my feet to get around on. These shoes were designed for the latter style of walking. It's why my calves are so well defined.

I believe I am about ready to crash. I simply can't stay awake much longer. Up at 8:00, down by 20:00? Ugh, not the best, but in the condition I am in, that may be as good as it gets. Good night.

The gamble.

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Last night, while deciding whether to make food or not, I had to take a risk in the end. While I had done a few dishes, as a token promise, I wasn't sure if cooking and eating would end up putting more dishes in the longer term queue or whether the food would induce me to finish up the dishes, all of them, sooner rather than later. While I don't know if food helps, or if I just have good and bad days based on their own merits, such gambles are just that. It ends up that the food, if it does that, or if today is just a good day "because", I have finished most of the dishes.

As for lazy, I keep wondering about that. Can you be said to be lazy if you can't service your addiction? I have been out of tobacco for the last several days. Crazy as it makes me, I haven't been able to break out of my troubles and get to town. I promised my friend I would be to town today, and I would like to make it to Mass, but troubles are just that. If I can do that, either or both, I hope to get on laundry tonight, and maybe trash and kitty litter duty ahead of time this week.

Having a bit of food, right to hand, has been nice. It does seem to add a bit to life. And I suspect it helps with energy. It is a temporary thing though. Take it where you can get it. I best get going if I want to be in town in an hour or two. Have a good one.

Not bad.

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To bed by 0:00, give or take, and up before 8:00 by one to twenty minutes. Sleep was good. Dreams of women, just flirtatious stuff but there was some serious mojo with it. As much as women drive me to distraction, I just can't turn my back on them. Unless I think they might do something interesting for when I turn back around to face them. Wow, how do women move so fast, sometimes. Never mind.

I wanted something to eat. Not that I was starving. I decided on a reheat of some of the spaghetti. That went down quite well. I won't say I make, or remix, the best spaghetti and sauce. I will say I do extremely well with what I have. Somethings get better, like chili, with some time for the ingredients to marry. With spaghetti, since the sauce it out of a jar it is pretty much "married" as is. But it doesn't get worse, either. A plate of that made for an excellent breakfast, with a side of cottage cheese. An absolute fantastic mix (avoid 'yogurt' tasting cottage cheese (and sour cream)).

I can't tell if it is just overcast or if the sun isn't quite up yet. Nor am I awake enough to really tell. I might look it up, out of curiosity. I hate it when I ask a question, and someone who just freshly looked it up right before I asks acts like they know something. To be honest, without your watch or other device, there is a good chance, on any particular day, you wouldn't know what day it is. How much do we honestly just know, how much do we only know where to go to find the answer. I think the answer to that will absolutely crush you. Take away your tools, take away programs, take away phones, take away calculators or data sets, now... do your job alone. We would fall into a pile of gibbering foolishness in days without electricity, and more so alone without it. Don't let anyone fool you, a minor incident could turn into the end of the world in days. All it would take is an incident, a minor one, and then a loss of faith (even if the authorities really were on the brink of fixing it). More so in this 'get-it-now', 'has-to-be-done-already-right?' population. Won't affect the country immediately. We are used to "hold your breath and wait, we'll be 'right there'" type of b.s. We have learned, often, to do it ourselves or skip it.

Of course, at some point, the city dwellers will begin heading to us. Some will be welcomed, but most will be what they already are, a pariah, a blight. They will not be welcomed. The more dangerous among them... will become pray. There are many of them but they aren't used to mosquitoes, their fancy shoes will not last in the winter, their belligerence might initially get them what they want but it will see them abandoned and avoided, a nearly impossible way to live. Turning to absolute criminal ways? More than a losing proposition. Even if they succeeded, being unhindered and undefeated, what socialist thieves worldwide have found is that if you steal from the productive and give to the unproductive, eventually you wipe out the economy. No matter the scale.

Blathering. Later.

Close enough.

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I have been trying to simply do the dishes for days, weeks really. I nibble on bits of the task, now and again, and at least keep even, give or take. No more dishes are created than are washed. Well, I got just a little further ahead tonight. I have wanted spaghetti for a while. Something always goes wrong regarding having my friend over for dinner lately. And I was tired of waiting. Besides, I can have him over for spaghetti soon. This time I was able to add some of my beat-you-over-the-head cayenne. I don't think it is all that but most people who get a touch of it do. I love spicing my spaghetti sauce into the lower stratosphere. When I have my friend over, I will be nice... most likely. No, he really can't handle anything hotter than black pepper. Same with most people I know. If you think Tabasco is hot, you fit in this category (Tabasco is 4k on the scale, my cayenne is 90k, for proof and other examples click).

I did many more things than I dirtied. I didn't overeat, either. Well, for me. Then again, maintenance calories for me range between 2670 and 3160, or something like that. Well, if I was at all active. I would guess I should probably only eat between 2,100 and 2,500 calories a day. I simply don't do enough. I know food will not get me into activity. If I try to eat myself to success I will merely gain a ton of weight. I am broken. Now, if I eat a bit more when I happen to be able to be more active? That works, so long as I cut down when I begin to slide. Though I seem to lose my appetite in those times, so it's usually easy to back off.

Blathering. But I did stay up until 23:25! Youch, it is bedtime. I wondered why, reading this over, even I thought I was blathering! Good night.