That's more like it.

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Two very large loads of laundry have been washed, the last is in the dryer.  Everything was hung or folded from the load that is done.  As well, I did a lot of the dishes.  They have been washed and sit in a rinse until I get the last bit of energy to finish them, after finishing the laundry.  While I was at it, I cleaned and set up my rice cooker, and rice and fish should be done in twenty minutes.  After I finish what I have started, however, that will be it for the day.  The only other thing to do is to stay awake until at least 18:00, though 19:00 to 21:00 would be preferable.  I don't want to push though, as pushing, at times, on top of a relatively heavy load for the day, can cause problems.

Further, I am finally able to hit the game again, at least rightly.  I had thought I had hit the maximum of my capacity in the game.  Not so much.  It is just that I was as bound in real life as I was in the game.  When I started planning, and doing, the bottleneck in gaming opened.  Three bosses that had been ripping me up I took down in three single shots.  I didn't do anything new, or different, I simply hadn't been in a state of mind to do what I meant to do as well as I had meant to do it.  Everything was off.  Basically, save for the final boss, I am done with the game.  Replay is reasonable.  You keep almost everything, but the game becomes... much more difficult.  The trade-off with increased difficulty is increased payout, by a 1:2 scale, give or take.  Initially, that isn't much of a trade.  It is only over time where the pay-off begins to overcome the advanced difficulty.

An advantage to playing the increasingly hard game levels is that, should you choose to play another character type, you will gain skills that carry over.  And, yes, this game... most likely, will be my winter hold-over recreation.  I hope it isn't the only one, snowshoeing is still on the menu, as is scouting camping opportunities and locations for the future.  I need to find where it is safe enough to camp, and whether I can get there.  Or, more, how long it would take me given the load needed for a couple of days out.  In the summer it isn't as much of a problem.  But in the winter...  You have to have enough to survive, then some, and some back up for when everything goes wrong.  But you still have to be able to carry it all.  So...  Scouting and learning to walk that way, are on the list.  Perhaps next year I will begin looking for a true four season tent (really only three season, but it means winter worthy).  And, perhaps, learning more about what is needed, what is required, what "luxuries" really work, and begin exploring my tastes just through day hikes.  Gearing and learning in a smaller way along the way.

I only have one major purchase still to go.  A heavy duty wheat grinder.  After that, I can pretty much play with my money a bit more easily.  Setting some back for play, but beginning to save, and maybe put more on the house and car.  A four season bomb shelter tent is on the longer view, but before that, a Nikon D7100 with at least two lenses... as standard and a telephoto.  And classes...  One place, locally, that sells them, offers the classes for free, with purchase and a photo print bundle.  I've checked their deal, it's legit.  After that?  I need to figure a few things out.  Perhaps have cleaners come in once in a while.  House cleaners.  I can't afford an impeccable cave, but I wouldn't mind a little help once in a while.  Clean a room and it inspires me... to do a little more, for a while anyway...

Well... On to lunch.  Later.

Much? No.

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I did open the curtains.  That... wasn't a metaphor by the way.  Actually, I handled that most of the day, if I didn't open them all of the way.  Planning... and I saw an opportunity to push my day through into a real day.  I was able to stay awake until 18:00 and some goodly change.  A major success.  I saw the potential for it, and though I had other intentions... priorities.  Getting a day shift back into the game is bigger than doing a few tasks, no matter, almost, what they might be... unless vital for survival.  But... when eating and drinking aren't vital for survival... I just don't encounter such things often, and when I do, oddly, my body quickens so as to manage or hardens so as to survive it.  It's not something I even need to contemplate.  Going down a floodstage whitewater run taught me just how hard I am.  I don't think I broke a single rock, but I sure gave it all I had, many times.  I didn't even bruise.  Then again, I was in the cold cycle!  :)

I woke around 4:00.  Sassy was being a little monster.  Normally I don't mind.  But... yesterday, in celebration to my newfound intent, and some will to spend on it, I had fed them twice (soft, remember... I always keep their hard food available).  So, when she was harassing me all through the night, waking me at least twice, when I got my stones ready to throw, I grabbed the little beast (not painfully, but surely) and relocated her outside.  Brat!  And, I told her when I let her in an hour later, that if she went native again I would toss her again.  Yeah, she knows what I said.  And she knows I mean it.

Never mind.  To start the day, I didn't want to just... wake.  Dishes were set to soak.  Not all of them.  Some that where in there, some that were out.  Not all, but a start.  Then I collected laundry, perhaps not all of it... again, but enough to begin.  I need daylight, I need clean clothes, and I would like to be set to begin having a meal a day, extra some days but just standard on all days.  Beside collecting clothing, I put the first load in, then checked to make sure the dryer was clear.  All good.

Now I get to sit for a goodly bit.  The laundry can sit for a bit, when it is done.  I will game for a while, a couple of hours, then cycle the laundry.  Then sit again, do the dishes, sit again, and hit the laundry.  I might get six or eight cycles of effort through, I might get four.  I just want to make sure that at least the washer is emptied and dried out, whatever else happens.  As well, I plan to get the trash and recycling queued.

Ugh, but I am running low on some primary items.  Coffee, tobacco, cream, and milk.  I might have to make a super sekret run and jump into town.  It'll have to be fast, hard, and nothing else.  If I can do it.  Crap sandwiches, that means a shower.  I just took one yesterday, but...  I just won't go into town unclean.  I am sure I smell a bit off, because of living in... a temporarily fetid world, bachelor land of the worst order at the moment, but why add to it.  Then again, I obsess.  Hard to know and no one will say.  The fears of a single man.  I suppose even women worry about such things?

Oh, by the way, I did finally order a heater for the garage.  Nothing fancy.  It's just a minor propane heater, Big Buddy, or somesuch.  The hope is, in the winter, I can use the shop.  Perhaps, if it all works eventually, even lift weights as well.  The thing is, it opens the window of opportunity for garage use, for many various things.  I have a couple of canisters of propane, at the moment.  That should last me most of the winter, I suspect.  A few hours here and there, when I can.  Uhrm, and a good way to heat the auto if I should need to take a road trip, if that usually isn't too much of a problem, it would be a nice touch.

Well... on to my day, and you to yours.  Make it a good one, give that a shot, or just hang on for dear life, limb, and the pursuit of a quieter time and place.  Later.

First steps.

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When coming out of shadows, a trick is to not come out too quickly.  The light is blinding, the heat is overwhelming, it is all too much.  A short time in the light, in this case literally, will begin with pulling the shades as long as I can handle it.  The goal is to open them up most of the time.  As well, I need to begin keeping my mind in the world.  I need to look for small tasks, and do them.  Cat littler and the trash, as examples, but other things too.  Phone calls, business, cleaning, and... other things.  Yes, these went away from thought for some time.  But just a few things each day.  As with eating or drinking, or more both, when those haven't been done in too long of a time.  Too much is very little, so consuming slowly is vital.  More damage can be done by going to fast than waiting a bit longer.  The odd thing is, both physically through food and water or mental deprivation, and I have known both, is that after the natural hunger is gone, when consumption begins again, the hunger is the absolute worst.  Great control must be administered.

Today?  I would love to get to town, but that simply isn't possible.  It would mean showering, dressing, driving, plus planning an itinerary, then fulfilling that.  I have much to do in town, business here, business there, a card to send, shopping, visitations.  But... it's too much.  I'm not even ready, physically, to be outside.  So... perhaps soaking dishes, maybe gathering trash and cleaning the cat litter, perhaps policing the place a bit.  A task here, stretching but just a bit.  It's like walking on legs that have fallen asleep.  You don't take the stairs, you don't run, and you don't hike a dangerous ridgeline.  Small, careful, well-chosen steps.  And so it goes.

I have been inactive, so far, today.  But in that, I have been gathering my resources of wit and will.  I have begun planning, thinking about how to do what I need to do, and what it is I actually need to do.  As well, prioritizing is taking place.  There is too much to do quickly, even if I had my legs under me.  So... priorities.  But those don't just create themselves, and there will be interference at every step.  I'm on it though.  I sort of have a rough plan.  Monday to Wednesday I will be in town.  But I will need to tend some things here first, while expanding my capacities, and then focus even so.  A short, easy, shopping trip.  Then, maybe Friday, business.  Nothing big, I can't do it.  Too weak.  First the house, and my flesh, some food, and some small works.  It's the way it has to be.

Later.

When the time comes.

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I gave my body and mind time to work out whatever is wrong.  As wild beasts, they must be given some room to be what they are.  But they are not choosing to simply get it out of their system, they are seemingly choosing to try to make what is a systemic norm.  I won't allow it.  So, over this weekend, I will be using sticks and carrots, whips and graces, push and pull, to bring my aspects back together and put them into alignment with my will and goals.  Sometimes I really have to let these things go.  Much as parents with children.  There simply comes a point where that is not working and a... change is in order.  That time has come.

I doubt if some can see the difference, from the outside.  On the inside, however, I know the difference the way a concert pianist knows his mistakes even if those listening do not.  It isn't just about how I interact with the world, though there is that.  It is how I am working inside.  I am sure health is part of the problem.  It isn't the problem, though.  Health issues are more like the pebbles one can't seem to keep out of the shoes, and just a little too small of a water supply, on a long footbound journey.  It is a distraction.  Sometimes it is good to be distracted, sometimes it prevents... solutions, options, or opportunities, from being seen when they might otherwise be seen and utilized.  No, Johny really isn't a normal little boy.

Waiting.  I have... things to do, perhaps, even yet.  Late might be the hour.  God has quickened me, here, in this flesh, before.  He may do it again, if the time comes.  Doc's doubt, and I suppose they should.  As do others.  Even I have some doubts.  But I have felt the wounds, I have seen the deaths, and I look at myself in the mirror often enough to know.  I am here.  I couldn't be.  I suppose, though to, I will only be called if the time comes.  Until then, I must live in a mothballed status, and keep the trim, some parts functioning, and balance.  So... I will do what I must to right my ship.  The current status is unacceptable.

A few hours to wake.  A bit of coffee.  Then I begin laying out the plans to revitalize my existence and put much back into specs.  It's a man's man job.  It means waking the dead, controlling the beast, outwitting a brilliant but recalcitrant psyche, and doing what must be done over what is.  Urhm, it is going to hurt.  Though... you know me and pain.  Love me some good old fire and chaos of the senses.  So, hi ho, hi ho, into battle I will go.  Later.

Wandering the byways of the nether.

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The nether, science finally concluded, doesn't exist.  Or, more precisely, the nether is more precisely defined.  Pick which answer you will, they will go with whichever suits their fancy.  None of them, from experience, actually know.  Not the point, or even a point, to my topic, just a side note.  When dealing with enemies, as I like to say, real enemies anyway... kick em' when they're up, kick em' when they're down.  Repeat as necessary.  Any "profession", advocacy, belief system, or such that is contrary to God in it's aim is an enemy.  No, science doesn't have to be that way.  Debate God?  I do that.  I wrestle with Him sometimes daily.  If I don't like something He says, we go to town.  He has no problem with that.  Heck, that is how He won me over.  He's... well... He's good at this.  Better than I, by far.  And, He doesn't mind a bit.  Pummeled, psychically bruised, sore of body, whimpering in a corner, He just suggests when I am ready we can go at it again.  Sometimes I don't even give Him a chance to finish before we are back at it.  I'm not a damned quitter!  *grin*  Science couldn't ever win, so they quit.  Big babies if you ask me.  Some, at some points, have weighed such things.  But it is lost on the new breed.

I'm still here.

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Sleep has been really off.  Four hours every fifteen to eighteen up I'll go do.  So... my days have been... odd.  Gaming, at least, fits in well enough.  It means I am doing something while doing nothing.  While at it I am developing an epic character.  A lot of hours in.  But then, I can't do anything else, so...

As for the game, I found early that if your console is connected to the internet, it is an multiplayer game.  People can invade, and I suppose you could invade other player's games.  Not my gig.  So I keep it unconnected.  Now, when connected, other people can leave messages, warnings, and such.  Playing offline I don't get those.  Fine by me.  While often helpful, they are also annoying. 

It is a crazy game.  Some of it still doesn't make sense.  It is really too big to memorize, though you might get an idea of what is going on.  I am about a third of the way to understanding.  Some of the understanding only really comes from play various "classes", types of character.  I'm playing a mage-sword, mostly, with a bit of the thief style thrown in.  Light armor, fast, but also fragile.  A scout, if you wanted it in modern terms.  Only, there is no army. 

I missed supper last night.  I tried to stay awake for it but fell off a cliff at about 18:00.  With my sleep patterns, I can only do just so much.  I can push my bedtime, as variable as that is, only an hour, maybe two.  Which I did.  But that was that.  It's like a hammer comes down.  I'm lucky to shut off the machines and make it to bed.  I am surprised I remember the time.  Usually, when I go to bed, or wake up, I am clueless.  I look at the clocks, my phone, everything I can, but the time usually doesn't stick. 

Another week of this and I'll figure something else out.  I put up with problems for a while, then I solve them if they don't go away on their own.  We'll see.  Perhaps, as I am nearing the end of the game, that will help.  When I fall, if I can, then am, gaming, I can... sort of become obsessive.  Get it DONE!  Now, there are replays, but those are simpler, in a way.  The game will get harder, but the... modes of attach, weaknesses, and exploits, remain the same.  You just have to use them more often.  Your opponents merely take more damage before going down.  Not sure I'm up to some of that.  Making a hard game longer is tough in my condition.  Short, easy enough, and sweet, or I have to skip it.

Just thought I'd put something out.  Now back to the dungeons!  Later.

That's the way it should work.

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I woke, at some time or other.  I think 20:30.  No idea when I went down.  I didn't set the alarm because... it doesn't make sense.  If I need sleep, and can take it, I will.  Usually I am waking in four hours.  *snap~awake!*  So, I just have to let it be.  I was feeling good enough.  Hungry.  Thirsty... for coffee.  Bleh.  I ran out of milk and cream, so was using dehydrated, since I have used my supply of canned milk.  Note to self - buy canned milk the next time you get to town.  That dehydrated stuff is pretty wretched in coffee.  It's not bad on it's own, even better when mixed than cooled (mixes easier with warmer/hot water).  And it is a ton better tasting than most other brands and types of powdered milk I have tried.  But, all in all, only for cool drinking, and cooking/baking.  It's just not a good coffee thing.  The bitter of both seems to increase too greatly, and it increases the acidity in coffee.  Normally I can handle the acidity in the coffees I like, but not with this stuff in it.  Double bleh.

So...  Before I could think about it, and actually probably because of that, I got a shower, dressed, and was heading to town before I realized what was happening.  Actually, I spent a bit of time waking after the shower.  But  I did shower right away.  Then gamed for a bit to try to get my brain bits sorted.  I wanted to be in to hit my preferred grocery store.  It closes between 23:00 and midnight, perhaps different times by which day... open later on the weekends?  Never sure, and they were recently bought out, again, so...  But the clock was ticking.  I left in time to do my shopping and get out, by 23:00, I believed.  And, so it went.  Then a trip to McDonald.  It's all that is open, I needed food, it's inexpensive enough, and I get enough calories to actually do something.  When you weigh 300, and it isn't all fat, you gotta feed the machine or it won't run. 

Actually, I have had a young woman take my order at McD try to suggest that I was eating to much.  I explained, that at my weight, I should be eating between 3600 and 4200 calories per day.  I asked her to think about this.  If she took a backpack, and loaded it with whatever weight necessary to make her weight plus the pack total 300 pounds, then walk around... forever.  Now, I asked her, did she think she would need to eat a bit more.  Well?  Now, you think about that.  I burn the same number of calories from my mass as you would if you did such.  When I lift my arms I am lifting a good solid 30 to 40 pounds.  Both arms up and I am lifting half a man, all of a pixie, or the less curvy parts of a standard woman.  :p  I need calories.  Protein, then fat, are my primary dietary needs.  Carbs are the last in line.  Meat, meat, meat, potato, meat, meat, vegetable.  *cough*  I rattled the story off so fast she went to think about it and vapor locked.  Cute though.  I'm not a dumb giant.

Oh, but it was nice to see women out tonight.  I don't know why, but I had the most pleasant of time with the womenfolk I met.  At the store, both workers and shoppers, and at the 'staurant.  Nothing fancy, just...  *big eyes and smiles*  "Hi!"  Well... hello back!  :)  Love me some dame interaction.  I might be harsh and all, but I love teh fluffy udder people.  :)  Young, old, pretty, ugly.  Look, a smile, maybe a blush, even coquettishness if not too brazen or uncomely, and I'm a happy man.  I don't even mind a bit o' peevishness if I am seen to have done something mildly unforgivable to the woman mind.  Crossed arms and a bit of a facial set in mild annoyance is all good.  More so when I know what I did, enjoyed it, and would probably do it again.  Actually, if I get that reaction, I know exactly what to do every third or fourth time.  I get attention, too.  Gee I like that.  I just wish I understood why.

Back to gaming, though I think I will set fresh coffee going, and maybe use the dregs for a fresher cup while I wait.  I hate to waste, but I can't stomach the coffee sitting there, with dehydrated milk creamer.  I'll dump that and start life over, the right way.  I have meats thawed, and when I get to it, will start up the grill and do some of that, tonight or tomorrow.  Life can be so good when you can just get it done without having to crawl, or fight, or push, or... do all that and still not get it all done.  I'll take it.  And a few smiles, blushes, salutations, and other feminine attention was quite a splendid add.  Later.

I honestly can't believe how beat I am, and have been.

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Oh, I've gotten some things done this summer.  Far fewer than I had hoped.  Sometimes I just pushed through, other times I breezed through.  Overall, though, I've been getting my ass handed to me.  I've been down a lot.  On the good side, I realize to my satisfaction, that it hasn't been laziness.  And, even when down, I haven't just stopped.  These have been some of my best down times.  Sure, there is a general disassociation with the outside world, fairly strongly.  But inside, which is sometimes all I have, wasn't also empty, void, quiet.  Plus, I keep trying.  I don't think I have just sat back, on the inside.  What's the difference between a sleeping turtle and an awake turtle?  A lot, actually.

I'll keep working at it.  I do fear fall and winter a bit more than usual.  Then again, this summer was much cooler.  More clouds, more rain days, it added up.  I am fragile to change, it seems, and the cool more than heat, up to a point.  We'll see.  I would really like to try out the snowshoes.  Sure, a lot of work.  But if you can get the hang of it?  It's... still a lot of work.  However, the snowshoes aren't just for their own use.  There is an end to them.  I have dreamed of camping up there, in the mountains, in the winter.  Might only do it once, or maybe even for a season.  But I have to do that, if I live long enough to get it all together.  I still want a solid four season tent.  I believe I have the rest of the gear.  I just need to learn to use snowshoes, at least.  Well, and where to camp more safely, avoiding avalanche lanes and such, as much as possible.  The gig is not to die out there.  And it isn't about risk.  It is merely to, for several nights, look out over the scenes before I sleep.

Yeah, but...  We'll see.  I do have to do it alone, for a number of reasons.  Though it wouldn't be horrible to have camping neighbors not too far away.  Just dreaming, for now, but...  Nap time.  I think I've been up all night?  I can't honestly remember.  I know I took a "nap" yesterday early to mid afternoon.  Hmm...  My naps have been my sleep.  Two four hour stretches, with somewhat longish wake times.  Just odd...  Anyway, on to a nap.  Perhaps I can get out this afternoon.  I'll check to see if I have taken my medicine, and do so if not.  I've actually been doing alright with those, somehow.  Yeah, later.

I'm still not dead.

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To the world, in ways, at times, of course.  At least I can speak.  A few visitors visited tonight.  One I had seen most recently.  She was giving a presentation so did not recognize me.  She was impressed that I remembered her, even where she was from... something she had offered during her presentation.  I was a bit surprised.  She is pretty, but that wasn't what allowed me to remember.  I expect women to be attractive.  No, it was that she had a strong and good sense of herself.  It isn't strong women I dislike, it is women who try to be men that I dislike.  She was not that.  Satisfied in her sex and comfortable in her skin.  And well spoken.  Yes, yes, I do judge, and harshly.  If I give you a good grade, be thankful.  Not to me, to those you chose to abide in your training for life, education, and such.  And, maybe, have a little pride that you could, chose, and did accept right teachings.  Could, chose, and accepted all have to come together, no one will work alone or in two-sets.

Arrangements have been made for another visit.  I had it written down, couldn't find my cellphone.  Found my cellphone, now I have to find the writing.  Teh Bother!  I best do that before I forget.  Huh?  Never mind.  Ahha!  There it is.  I'll do it right now.  Almost messed up.  The 7th, the 17th, the 27th... or while we are at it, July, September, January... what's the difference!  Never mind that, either.  Some people are sooooooo picky!  :p  While speaking of late, early, or otherwise inconvenienced by time and it's dictates, I need to get my mother her birthday card.  She is a patient woman, so her doctor says?  Actually, I think that IS all the same, save when you get to plural and another form... patients versus patience.  That you ought to mind.  Just saying.

I am doing well.  I'm just not doing much.  I am sure there is a plan, simply no one has told me and if it's my turn, I haven't played yet.  It's good, just not functioning.  The game is going well, but I am not sure where to go, and the places I think I want to go I can't find.  Which, actually, is why I am sitting in front of the machine.  Why, then, am I blogging?  I don't know, it's a real question, to you the reader!  Don't even look at me that way, Lucy.  Just answer the question, and, yes... I can handle the truff!  Well, what of it I will allow as a truff.  When I can handle it, mostly.  That's probably why time and date stamps don't work with me.  They get in the way of me getting out of the way?  Yup!  Told you I could handle the truff.  :)

Well... on to... figuring out what I was here to figure out.  Do have a fine evening, good night, and maybe just a touch of teh goofy.  It's good, once in a while.  Later.

Beastly nap.

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I set the alarm for a two hour nap, yesterday.  The nap happened like a bomb.  I slept so solidly, so completely, and yet dreamed in there wall to wall.  The rest was good, just odd, and right through the alarm.  I slept for four hours, hard.  I went down at around 12:30, setting the alarm for 15:00.  Usually I wake up before the alarm, in an hour and an half, maybe two.  Even if I'm not doing much, my body just isn't into sleep.

I was at a point in the game where it was exceedingly difficult.  The most difficult "boss" in the game, because there were two bosses.  I dragged my feet about doing that fight.  I just wasn't sure I was up to it.  Gamewise, sure, when I am at peak.  But I wasn't even close to peak.  However, when I can't do the hard things, I can often do the nitty and picky stuff.  And, so, I did.  I leveled, farmed, ranched, did some more leveling, farmed some more for this or that, and, finally, I hit it this morning.  Done.  I may have overdone the extra work, but I wasn't ready for what looked like a very long fight.  Even when I did go in, I wasn't sure I was ready.  Enough deaths told me... actually, that I was ready.  Huh?  Well, it's a matter of how you die, and how long you survive, plus what you learn.  This game is... well... you will die.  Frequently.  If you get one shotted a few times, you know you aren't ready.  If you last a while, going in blind, and without all the assets because of their costs...  Then you... might be ready.  Not only ready, but done!  Now, on to more dying! 

The game isn't as difficult as it seems, and yet is much harder than that.  Taking your time, unless you can't.  Moving in slow motion, but the monsters do too.  Timing is crucial.  The only way to learn it is to die enough.  But you must live long enough, and be successful enough, to put what you learn into practice.  It's almost more of a mind game, a game of nerves, than it is of...  It is a good game.  Although, through it's methods, I keep developing new curse forms.  I was, indeed, a sailor. 

I'm about to take another nap.  I just want to find a place in the game where stopping seems reasonable.  Later.

Noon?

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My how time flies with only, I think now, four hours of sleep.  A nap isn't due, it is overdue.  Medicine has been taken.  I checked, and at first thought I missed a day.  How was that possible with me, just recently, vowing to keep a close eye on it?  At first I was baffled.  Then I realized it.  I merely took the medicine out of the Saturday instead of Sunday when starting on a new med-set.  That disturbed me, there for a bit, while waking. 

Not much else.  Another shower, after a nap.  Maybe to town much later, or earlier.  Hard to tell, or plan, with this, that, and the other thing transpiring, scheduled, or in affect.  A stop at the grocery store, though, beside business, I do have some shopping that requires business hours.  I need to get to town, or need it even more.  Yeah?  Tell that to the chief engineer with a busted engine?  Yes, something like that.  It's too bad they can't just yank it and fix it.  I'd even lay on cinder blocks for a while, if that was required.  But I'd expect new rims and tires.  :p

Nappy nap time.  Later.

A bit of sleep.

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Four or six hours, I can't be sure.  Enough, for now, in my condition.  All that I can get in any case.  Perhaps a nap, later in the morning, in an attempt to keep the sun in my day.  You have no idea of the complexity of the game I play, the foes I fight, or just how successful, in many ways, I am.  I don't give proper credit myself, even knowing, usually.  On this day, at this time, I am pleased.  I am not in a coma-like state.  Given the condition I am really in, that is impressive.  I've 'slept' for months, even a year, in this condition.  This is a new high for an old low.

Not much.

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A shower.  Those are quite nice, more so when overdo.  I've been keeping a closer eye on medicine, as well.  That was slipping.  Just a bit, and after everything else went south.  But not today.  And I stayed awake for dinner.  Very small things.  But of no small significance.  When the mind shuts down, and the body isn't able, focusing to reach the world and do actual things is truly amazing. 

I am pretty exhausted.  I can't remember when I woke, but it was early dark.  I remember having been awake for a while before watching the sun begin to peak through, I think... I think that was this morning.  Then again, it might be a bit of a gimmick.  One day, day, doesn't make daytime the regular.  It is a day, one day, on schedule.  I will take it.  I have business that requires daytime operations.  And I have to be in shape to operate in that time.  A few days, perhaps, maybe more, but soon.  A day trip to town.  It is cooling off.  While that unbalanced things, it will make getting out easier.

I have three or four projects finished, minus assembly in a few cases.  I have one more major purchase, a solid grain grinder, and tidbits for it.  Then I will begin laying up supplies for some of the home projects, the en suite in particular.  Flooring materials, down to the subfloor, paint, a new vanity or some notions along those lines, a medicine chest... lighted or with some sort of lighting in there.  I have the new toilet, I just need a sink and faucet.  I might go just a tad fancy, but not gauche.  Actually, I might use thick lumber of some sort, lacquered, attached to the wall, as a shelving vanity.  I will have the supplies, for a number of jobs, if I can ever get to it.  If not, the next owners can figure it out.  Though, I suspect, over time, I will get it done before I die.  I will have the supplies laid in anyway.

Oh, right... I want to discuss some options that might allow me more access this next time I visit my g.p.  I need a little help getting going.  I suspect she has simply been fibbing to me, but... we'll see.  If that fails, I may have to cut my allowance and spend on a private doctor.  Sometimes you just have to do it on your own.  However, to get her on board, if that is possible, I will need to start tracking my stats.  All of them.  Sometimes, if you do them a square, they return the favor.  Not always, but it does up the odds.  Besides, I should be doing that anyway... for myself.  Just not every day.  That gets excessive and old?  Yeah, but... even then, I probably ought to do it as a show of good faith, for my current, or future, doc. 

Oh, right, bedtime.  And it is actually evening!  Good night.

Ah, yes, awake again.

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I always do, but this time it stuck.  I looked at the clock when I woke.  It indicated somewhere in the neighborhood or 20:30.  A couple of hours had gone by?  Where does the time fly!  Never mind.  I was able to do nothing yesterday.  Today, again, same goals.  Less time to get ready and make my way to town, so that may be out.  A shower and some cleaning, however, are on the menu.  Whether anything will happen is a whole other ball of wax.  I am able to at least put some things on the menu.  It is... somewhere between a minor and major improvement.  Doing something, action, is the vestiture of great intent, currently.

I was thinking about the dream from the other night.  The reason generals are not soldiers, and soldier are not generals, is because one is function and one is thought.  It is believed, by theologians, tacticians, businessmen, and engineers of the professional class, that contemplation and action are separate, and should be kept apart.  When you train a man to be both, you are teaching him to be the impossible.  The action of thought, alone, and in itself.  There are... limits.  And, there are problems.  Sometimes, when action is required, thought is chosen.  Sometimes, when thought is preferred, action is taken.  And, at times, through the resonance of each, the impetus to any sort of attention is either wrongly canceled or greatly exaggerated.  This, all, of course, aside from the fact that no man is stone.  Not even Christ.  Stones don't bleed.  These notions have been bugging me, as I... sit and contemplate action.  Go ahead, laugh.  I did.  Until it became sour.  Such is the way of humor.

I have been gaming.  At least I can do that.  I would guess, between study, and then actual play, I have advanced to where a typical player would be a month or two into play in my first week.  This game has too much information, too many tricks, traps, and items, to ever be fully known save through years of play, tons of experimentation, and lots of trial and error.  Even then, the easy way, the best way, the fastest way, will not always be known, or chosen, for various reasons.  This game, actually, could be played for a decade or more, assuming the hardware exists in the future, or lasts.  So very many variables.  The only problem I have with the game is that it is set for both multiplayer and single player, so advice has to be considered with that in mind.  I don't do multiplayer.  That is for geeks who can't deal with the real world, in my way of thinking, and so make havoc or seek help.  Fine, fine, I know some people have great hate at being... lessor.  This gives them a world to explore, and hopefully grow, from that wound.

Oh... a few more hours to wake, hopefully a shower... then... anything.  We'll see.  But, for now, back to the dungeons.  Hehe... literally, if electronically.  And you thought I had no sense of humor!  Later. 

I was just thinking...

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I am questioned, often.  It seems I might be a bit hard to take, even stomach, at times.  It is true.  I won't debate the matter.  I tried to argue, when I was younger, and couldn't, or wouldn't, see.  There is nothing sacred, save God.  Not even angels, and not men until they have passed that final hurdle.  Not to me.  I don't mind treading on almost any notion, and I will question any understanding, by others or myself.  And, yes, I tested God.  He's good, by the way.  Now I just parry God as a means of understanding, so as to abide... not to qualify.  As I said, He is good.

My means can be harsh.  My methods can be brutal.  And I can do these things without a thought.  Do, or do not, there is no try.  That sounds simple, or easy, or mellow, until you think about it.  Yes, or no.  The world is cut and dried, we just don't get it, most people.  Then again, even a billionaire, perhaps more so, knows that... it's a hoax, if the world is it.  I doubt if even they can get quality work of which they can find certainty.  And, no, not even death and taxes are sure things.  Trust me.

Oh, but... what got me... was some judgmentality about my way of doing things, even my life, my posts, how and what I think, perhaps who and what I am or might be, and so on.  You have heard, perhaps, that Christ suggested that He would leave the company of the ninety nine for the one lost sheep.  How much more for... one such as me.  A saint in hell is far less rewarding for those who desire that than a hellion in heaven is for the hosts on high, for Satan can never be happy, his minions less so, while angels rejoice only half as much as God at each one who enters.  Just thought I'd send a message through the nether to the ears and eyes. 

Doubt me, but don't doubt my faith, or my nature.  The two don't usually mix.  Still not sure why He called.  Glad He did, now.  He does have a hell of an child, in me.  And, for my part, I get to relearn what being a child means... in many ways.  Good... day, and night.

Today?

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Gosh, Wally, I don't know.  I have been under the weather, possibly due to the weather.  Pushing might have helped create the vulnerability.  Not a problem.  When falling, flap your wings.  Might not do anything to save, but... just out of curiosity.  Well, and to die with a snark on your face, if you are going to die?  Maybe even just a smile?  Yeah, I'm trying to lose the snark.  Actually, mostly, that is gone.  I didn't kill it, I simply replaced it with better... much as what I did with hate, replacing it with a form of disrespect and... regret, of a sympathetic nature.  Empathetic, really.  I have worn those shoes, chose others.  Still...  Today?

The hope is to get cleaned up.  Perhaps a further hope to do some cleaning.  And, at the fringes, perhaps a trip to town late at night, when... if... I can.  Just a hamburger and fries.  Hot food.  While rice and quinoa, with butter and or cheese, and or tuna, has been good... it's... causing... problems.  I am not eating enough cheese for that to be the problem, so I think it is the grains.  No wonder vegetarians and vegans use six times as many laxatives as the average American... last I heard.  Bump.  All I'm saying the more.

Sleep is rolling me.  I have no idea, at this point, when I am going to bed or waking.  It is too rough right about the time I go down, and wake, for me to consciously take note.  I may have been awake for an hour, or three, at this point, so I don't have a reference, and can't gauge one.  Same with sleep.  I go in hard and fast, without any clue beyond ~crash~!  I'm working on it from the inside.  If that is more like trying to sew a button on while high diving off a cliff and checking email.  Yeah...  But...  It's where I am and what I have in front of me, and regardless of the outcome, I will put in effort to putting everything in it's place and doing what needs to be done on a priority basis.  Chaos doesn't confront me none, so long as I do what I can with what I have.  I have... been in much worse spots, where everything around me, and even myself, had some high probability of causing immediate death, dismemberment, and worse.  It's... sort of my area.  A broken heart is just one more variable.  Yum!

Well... I best see if Sam is finished with her daily duty and wants back in, so I can feed the girls.  Sassy is breathing down my neck.  She knows, as do I, that it is past dinner time.  I would like to feed them around noon, but only when my schedule is static.  I don't like feeding them too close to when I wake up, it encourages bad behavior.  Yes, so... no... not for a few more hours.

Yeah, we will see.  I am, after all... only flesh and...

A few things, anyway.

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For a while, I had wondered if being stationary, as I declined in function, was the reason for the soreness.  If it were, and it can be if that hits hard, then it lasts until I become active again.  Thankfully, it seems that the pains were really from overdoing last week.  All good.  As I've mentioned, that sort of pain can't be bought at any price and yet, to me, is as priceless as it seems.  It means, essentially, that one is living... and as fully as they are able.  It means I am scraping bottom to reach for the unreachable.  The pains, have, for the most part, completely gone away.  Since going down Sunday, really, and onward, so far, I haven't gone down so hard as to create other pains.  A good thing.  You don't want to be sore from just sitting.  And, you don't sit that hard and long as a choice.  Sounds strange, just trust me.  Some people think, given the choice, or option, that they would love to sit from Sunday to Thursday.  And, for a one-time thing, that might be true.  But when such a thing hits, and there is no choice, it isn't as fun as it would seem.  Be careful what you wish.  Thought, that has never been a wish of mine.  Though reaching out to... own too much of the world and myself may have been why I am what I am.  Though, sometimes, bad things just happen.  Who ever knows these things.

I had an appointment today.  I had forgotten until just a few hours ahead of the time to be there.  I could, technically, timewise, have mad it.  But I was already pushing bedtime in an attempt to reorder my days and nights.  My eyes hurt as if sand had been poured in, my body hurt for sleep, my mind was reeling and wandering like a desert madman sage.  And I would have needed a shower, to dress, and to drive... and all of that on very short order and in a hurry.  So, I changed the appointment.  That seems like the simple, and logical, thing to do.  But, for most of my life to this point, even if I happened to notice things had gone sideways... ahead of time, like this, but just barely as I did today, and in the condition I was in, I wouldn't have, perhaps couldn't have, called.  I haven't always had the ability to reach out of my grave, to touch the world, to risk the exposure, to verify my condition... or to signal weakness that if followed upon could be considered a tactically dangerous exposure.  Do not cry wolf but do not whimper, ever.  Whimpering in the world of the lethal, leaving blood on a trail, dangerous.  Better to die alone, bleed out in pain, than to let them know.  I don't believe medical is, always, on some things, in some ways, more so the V.A., your friend.  The best of their worst is that they will 'love you to death'.  The worst is they will use you as a data point, as I believe the V.A. has, and darkly.  They knew about my heart for a long time, or highly suspected, and didn't mind taking huge risks... probably just "to see what would happen".  Data they play with, and probably sold.

Still, I did this.  This was considered mild enough exposure.  I am, after the call, not sure.  They tried to keep me on the line, after rescheduling, and asked a bunch of data that hasn't changed in decades.  I don't know if they were checking something, doing a passive medical or other exam, or what.  Perhaps they get year end bonuses of longer contact times.  I don't know but I don't trust.  Medical, coupled with military and intelligence once you have become a lump, and the government ever, are not your friends.  Know this, love this.  This is the truth.  Use them as employees, don't ever allow them to become your boss... if, in America, that may be too late.

I did stay awake until well past noon.  I think it was past 13:30.  I called at 9:30 or so.  My goal, today, was to stretch to just being awake out to the appointment time today.  Getting back on scheduled has a cost.  With the weather going from light to dark, warm to cold, and a general cooling, this fight is going to be hard.  While this summer wasn't optimal, it was easier than fall and winter will be.  The goal is to do as much as I can, when I can.  I had hoped for a two week reschedule, instead it will be more like a month and an half.  Perhaps I shouldn't rush the schedule change?  The thing is, I don't want days to be when the sun is up just for appointments.  And yet, with the seasonal cool and dark coming in, getting on schedule quickly... I may not be able to keep that ordered for long.

Just blathering as I wake.  I woke at... maybe... 18:00?  Which means, if I can, I will take a nap later, perhaps a long one.  I can push, but only so far.  I can sleep, but once disturbed that's that.  It's like being in a space craft with no real engines or steerage.  I have boosters, of very limited use, and can open vents for even smaller shifts in trajectory.  But I can't just hit the gas and go to a specific point.  Right now, if the example was the case, I am merely able to keep from finding out how solid the heat dissipation shielding is and wondering if, should I fall, whether I would land where I could survive.  As many times as I have fallen, healthwise, I have never known if I would be able to rise again.  Even now, jaded about it and used to it, I am never sure.  In real terms, yes, I will.  But it doesn't feel like that.

It's a good day, other than those minor things.  I just need to figure out something to eat.  I may even see about a shower, maybe a drive to town for an easy calorie rich meal.  If not... I'll figure something out.  Rice and quinoa, with that little cooker, have been on tap quite often.  I might see how well it handles oatmeal.  I do like that stuff.  Gruel, but I like me some gruel.  Hmm... I wonder... I still have some pork sausage, some of it maple flavored... cook that in a batch, keep in in the freezer, add it to the gruel.  While I like gruel, I love meat.  Mix and match, somehow, and...  It's a matter of hitting the right combinations of vents and thrusters to translocate to the goal.  Nothing, in this place, is as easy as it might seem to those down below... or in my case... up above?  Who knows.

I've got food on my mind.  A goal.  A little one, but it pays for itself and pays forward as well.  I best get to waking in the hopes of vittles.  Later!

Oh well.

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Regardless of how potent dreaming was recently, life has lost a bit of it's luster.  Then again it has been cloudy, cooler, and a sense that fall is here.  It's not here, it's just closer than before and... just seems like it has been hanging over most of August.  I have enjoyed the cool.  It just seems a little wrong.  I hear August, here at least, had a greater number of cloudy days than usual, perhaps many more.  From memory, as good as that is, it seems this August has been much cloudier, cooler more often, and... something else... something... fall like.  I don't know, but if winter follows through, it is going to be hard, long, or both.  Then again, as we age we notice such things... or at least remember noticing them?  As a child, winter equaled cold.  A bad winter, a good winter, a light snow winter?  All the same.  Cold.  I remember hearing how this or that winter, as a child, was worse.  I just couldn't tell the difference.  A peculiarity, or just a type of personality not really geared, or at that time, for picking up such.  I had books!  Comics!  Playing, fighting, and... other things on my mind.

My sleep cycle is twisted again.  I suppose, given the time-frames, I would rather have my days, then my innards, twisted.  But more, when I let it run it's natural course, my sleep is varying greatly, as is waking time.  I can't seem to get a handle on it.  Some of it is the weather changes, some of it is that new game.  New toys, ones I really like, can... eat me.  I fall into them like falling in love for some.  I suppose they are made to be addictive.  But they have to be careful with addictions.  If one game becomes too popular, they will cease to make money on new games.  I would suggest they have added a bitter components, aspects of the game that are meant to irritate the player on to other games, in some period of time.  Truth be told, to figure out any three games, ones someone likes well enough, it could honestly take three years to fully explore, find every object, uncover secrets, and such.  Some games could be played for a whole lifetime, and all of the possibilities not be explored.  I am currently playing, I suspect, one of those latter type of games.

The game is rather demanding.  I hear it used to be more difficult.  The first in the serious was much harsher yet.  They have "fixed" some aspects of the game to make it more broadly playable.  I didn't realize this until after I had accidently updated the game.  Usually I don't have the ps 3 connected to the internet.  I must have needed, or wanted, it connected, for something and left it connected.  Bad call.  Now  I am too invested in the characters, and there is no way to go back without losing the characters.

I was correct about a couple of notions regarding the game.  It is a bit of a nerd game.  Collecting specific armor, weapons, and skills is part of it.  But digging into the game mechanics, trying to figure out timing, in some cases down to microseconds.  Figuring out how to do some things that, really, are rather technical.  It is not a game that can be played casually and well.  Then again, I wonder how many expert model kits, with motors, gears, and such, end up just sitting, never finished... sometimes never started?  This is a more adult game, of upper middle intelligence, but with components of hoarding, figuring, and surviving.  Half of what makes it complicated is being given controls that run like mud, but against opponents who are in the same mud, but better than you... only with weak points you can, potentially, defeat.

I doubt, in the game, if there is a single enemy I haven't died, sometimes often, figuring out how to beat.  At least after some of the lowest level creatures, as few of those as there were.  And, in every boss fight, just understand, no matter how often you watch someone else on YouTube beat a boss, you will die your first time.  I have beaten a few bosses first shot, but it is rare.  Oh, and there are also named mini-bosses, and types that fit the bill.  Some take a lot more time to figure out than others.

I was also right about some of the learning curve.  I really couldn't have learned some things, like parry, or backstab, early in the game.  When living on margins of survival, and needing to have enough chances to do it right, you can't squander your nerve and patience trying to learn a technical move.  I am, at a lower-mid level, just now able to begin exploring these skills, albeit in the beginner areas.  Even then, in this game, opponents scale.  The first creatures I fought, at the beginning of the game, are still dangerous.  It is more that their flaws are known much more precisely and I have more choices of weapons or skills.  It will be some time before I truly master some of the moves and skills.  The nice thing is that once I have them, they transfer nicely to another type of character... with some minor learning curve and extrapolation due to weapons and armor actions and reactions within the game.

It does give me something to occupy my time as I try to figure out my next real world moves.  When I am up to that again.  A down period is for movies, books, and games.  Since I despise Hollywood, can't focus enough to read... games it is.  Since I can't get up enough to go out, and have no one to play with out there, I'll... stick to electronic games.  It's what I've got.  I seem to be crashing "early" today.  At least I was able to hold my schedule slip in check in order to take a trip Saturday.  That actually surprised me.  I didn't think I was going to be able to make it.  I didn't sleep much the night before, couldn't.  But I was able to manage staying up and pushing through the day... as prepared as I could be.

Well, yes... bedtime.  Good night and... good day! 

The other sight.

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A dream, really.  But some dreams are different.  Some dreams are just dreams.  I think these were created and developed to help us deal with the ambiguity of the world.  A place for asking what if... filling in the blank without reservations, morality, logic, but not necessarily excluding those.  And perhaps exploring that.  Other dreams, for me, are prophetic.  Prophecy is only the naming of the potential.  Some more strongly, some more weakly... some without a doubt.  But no man may know, not for sure.  I don't care for those dreams, in some ways.  It's like loving to cruise on a ship, then wandering into the murky down-below, where the machines grind, oil and sewage water and hard things exist.  There is a beauty to it, but no surety, and yet absolute certainty, given specific givens and inputs.  Then there are the dreams of time past, some of it mine, the flesh suit I own has had a... rich past.  And there are dreams of other people's past, though some of those, perhaps, are me as well.  And there are some dreams of my future.  Not quite... prophecy, these.  Just... their own.  And then there are the dreams... like the one I had last night.

As you may have noticed, my dreams are rather... full bodied.  I don't dream of a butterfly, a lake, and a dragonfly.  I live at the lake, in the example given, and fully realize my living status, my residence or camp, I study the flora and fauna if they are noticed.  I live from a day to years in that dream, and it becomes a part of who I am.  Crazy?  I don't know.  Simply an artifact of a powerful imagination?  I'd love to believe it but I don't consider myself imaginative, not in the... this area.  I am functionally imaginative.  I deal with the reals, and mix and match application, process, and technique.  For example, I consider a lot of crossover between love and war, and have been tops at both... in my areas of those, and for good or ill.  Still, I don't just dream a little dream.  I go live somewhere, become someone, or even something, else.  I have been a bear, a wolf, and an eagle, in that order.  I ate, thought, hunted, and lived, socially and singularly, as each beast.  No simple small dreams.

In this dream, and this type of dream, I... don't understand these.  It is as if I am looking through myself, looking through myself.  I am highly dissociated from the lead main in the dream, and yet I think it is me.  These are the dreams where I see myself, for example, as the rider of the red horse.  In these dreams, I might be that, or some other aspect of it, or see some way that this came about.  But I am and am not who I am.  So it was with this dream.

In it, I found myself, somewhere in middle life.  I had been, and agreed to be, a product of and for war.  I had been trained for combat.  Not the type of warfare a soldier or general or typical military asset would encounter, but all out warfare.  Then I was trained to be a general, given the same operational freedoms as before.  I was taught tactics, given real combat commands, taught to see the enemy and his motives, through his actions, and to be able, and willing, to sacrifice this unit (men) or that for the scheme.  None of it is... pleasant business.  Some sacrifice, or offer that, of themselves.  Others have an even more terrible burden.  They must sacrifice others.  I was created to be both.  A bastard of the way of war.  A bastard I am, and so it should be no surprise.  Simply, the notion, sometimes, catches even me flatfooted.

I was taught hard.  I was taught well.  I was given nothing, but what was needed.  I often had to make due with less, or even nothing, and in real world and hostile environments.  I learned to not die, I learned to kill, but I had to survive, or not.  Training went beyond the battlefield and enemy territory, engagements and ghosting.  Beyond the world of flesh, the education went into the mind.  Deprivations, starvation, indoctrination, literal practical professional training.  I was separated from myself, so as to be what was needed and wanted.  Torture was something I endured as part of it, perhaps even in my combat situations.  I learned escape.  I learned many things.  Including when to fight, how to fight, with whom to fight, when to go alone, and how to sacrifice everything I loved in order to win.

I was not taught about greater good, God, the worth of men.  I was, however, chosen, in part, because I already had the attributes in these areas that were seen as satisfactory.  The hope was that neither would unbalance the other.  The goal was to have a man who loved and obeyed God, had a respect and love for mankind, and yet could set aside these things, or balance events and actions through a process that a computer simply can't replicate.  A weighting scale with a greater latitude for perspective than most men can naturally have, even in the worst of situations.  Can you surrender yourself?  Many can.  Can you surrender your family?  Your allies?  Your leg?  Your morals?  While many men have done so, they didn't often do it willfully, only regrettably.  The difference may seem slight, but it's not.  There is a universe of difference between the two.  What is the gain, is all I will say.  I can't be bought, negotiated, threatened, or blackmailed.  I am.  If, that is not all I am.

Sweat rolls, sometimes, in such dreams.  Burning.  Much humanity was sacrificed in the making of this man, or me.  Things so delicate, so precious, but so costly to carry where I was being created to be sent had to be... removed, eliminated, killed.  Things were lost, or set aside, beyond that.  Take the breaks out of an automobile, or the sugar out of soda, and the thing becomes less inviting.  And, in the dream and in real life, considering these things is painful.  But there was a method created, so that the war Pinocchio could still be a real little boy.  An alternate ego, as common parlance might term it.  A being created from the ashes off all the innocence burned on that pyre of and in sacrifice.

For the most part, when people meet me, it is this that alternate ego they are meeting.  But it is not all they are meeting.  Some know it, others don't.  Whether this is all in my mind, a trick, or if there is something cosmic, divine, or real to it... that I don't know.  I just know... it's as real... no... more real, than I am.  I have no idea how to deal with such dreams, notions, or that reality.  So... I don't.  I see it, I write it out, and I... let it be.  There is some pride, and joy, to and in it.  And some great sadness.  In equal parts, but grand in ways most could not understand without building themselves into a mobile temple fortress.

Well... that was my dream.  Now I will... try to... just live.  Good day.

Brutal.

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Not my day.  It is good.  Other than needing another day of rest.  It wasn't completely unforeseen.  I spilled the wind from my sails fairly liberally last week.  My lower back was spasming yesterday and last night.  I couldn't roll to a place that didn't cause problems, or get my legs situated so they didn't cause problems.  Anicin has been a friend.  Now the pain has worked up to the lower part of my shoulder blades.  It almost always, for me, works it's way up.  It is milder, where it is now located.  I honestly wonder if the pain moves up, because as my body braces for the pain, it stiffens and makes itself sore.  The option is that I can, sometimes, only sense just so much pain.  So I feel the worst.  As that fades, I then sense the next worst, and so on.  No worries, but that isn't what this post is about.

As I have said, I used to be a royal sob.  No, you wouldn't have known it from talking to me.  It was how I lived.  Hard.  I played, worked, and socialized in just such a manner.  I made, and broke, women, friends, and coworkers.  I demanded the sky and gave no room for error, sloth, laziness, and such.  Given the givens, that is still true.  I didn't help, nor hurt, I had my own things to do.  I wasn't even happy with perfection, when I could produce it... within mortal constraints mind you.  Hard as steel and twice as cold.  My folk loved to hate me, and I didn't care, regardless of what I said.  And they knew it.  Can't lie with a certain look on your face.  "Sure, that's fine.", I might have said, while viewing them with the same look I give to dead decayed fish.  Harsh.

That, to be honest, hasn't changed much.  I still have to be careful with my expressions.  Children, and even grown women, can cry when I get a sour gloom on my puss and they take it personal, or sometimes even just seeing it.  Hell, my cats will hide, or get that guilty look, at times.  While I have come to God, I am what I was.  I use Him to temper the wrong parts, but do not shield the righteous parts of that.  None shall pass who haven't really thought about things.

I don't even always like what I am.  It would be so much easier to just get along to go along.  It would be much simpler to have no literal or figurative limits, objective realities and qualities that must be met, and such.  I sometimes even dream of being a simpleton... a graced existence in many cases.  Though too, without guilt, there is no real innocence.  It is... a bit of an illusion.  I won't claim to know that area of God's will or His way with it, only... that it is different.  It is hard to attempt to be a right man, especially being a sinner on top of it, and a failure as well.  I simply have no choice.  I was made as God wanted it.  My choices are slim.  I do attempt to afford their use, to benefit, when available and I am able.  Still, as I have mentioned, I am a bastard.  And it is a bitch to be one.