.
.
My measurements might still be off. The "cup" that comes with the cooker isn't a full cup, would be my guess. Still, that I was much more careful seems to have helped. This American grown quinoa, while not quite as good, is probably good enough. Though for as little as it saves, I'm simply not sure if it is preferred. I'll think about it. And, I will try another batch soon, though this time I will measure the volume of the "cup". I took it as a cup this time, but I don't think it is, as I think back on things. Afterthoughts sort of stink, but better to have them going forward than to have to try to figure out what the problem is without that.
Brots, quinoa, and milk made for a reasonable meal. I'll put the quinoa up, I only made a small batch so it will go fast. I just wanted to try to work without much scale, first, before trying too cook more at a time. I think quinoa may have to be cooked on it's own. Which is fine. Perhaps I can cook the lentils and rice together though. A lot of experimentation. It seems to take forever. But I am figuring stuff out. Honestly, I don't even mind making mistakes. It really is the only way to honestly learn. Which is why real learning is both expensive and sucks. *smile*
I might do a few more redoing of a few levels in the game, then go on to bed. It's just about that time. Good night.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Wow. Good.
.
.
While I was looking over this and that online, and just waking, I lost some time in there. Two hours went by while I was distracted. As I finished some minor tech and social tasks, and refined my order list for a new computer... a maybe if travel doesn't happen this fall (thinking about a spring rain-check on that though)... as I drew focus back from the minute to the full life mode, I saw it. Life had improved a great deal from before the nap, and after it. Life is good. Pain is extremely mild, what of it I can feel. Yeah, there is pain under there, being managed. But felt has reduced, as has even unfelt.
Today, for certain, the nap helped. It just wasn't obvious at first. I am a lot less reluctant to nap, especially if I find a way to take one midday. After yesterday I was becoming a bit nervous. A midday nap that goes too long, or a nap being required too late in the day, can mess things up. I am finally back to days, and I am hoping to keep it that way for as long as possible. With the day getting shorter, that's always a trick. Toss in weird naps though... That may not be the case.
On with life. I still haven't made another batch of quinoa, with less water added. I might get that going, then heat a couple of brots to go with it. I'm not really hungry, if eating shouldn't be too much trouble. It is more working up the gumption to cook food. I'll give it a shot. Later.
.
While I was looking over this and that online, and just waking, I lost some time in there. Two hours went by while I was distracted. As I finished some minor tech and social tasks, and refined my order list for a new computer... a maybe if travel doesn't happen this fall (thinking about a spring rain-check on that though)... as I drew focus back from the minute to the full life mode, I saw it. Life had improved a great deal from before the nap, and after it. Life is good. Pain is extremely mild, what of it I can feel. Yeah, there is pain under there, being managed. But felt has reduced, as has even unfelt.
Today, for certain, the nap helped. It just wasn't obvious at first. I am a lot less reluctant to nap, especially if I find a way to take one midday. After yesterday I was becoming a bit nervous. A midday nap that goes too long, or a nap being required too late in the day, can mess things up. I am finally back to days, and I am hoping to keep it that way for as long as possible. With the day getting shorter, that's always a trick. Toss in weird naps though... That may not be the case.
On with life. I still haven't made another batch of quinoa, with less water added. I might get that going, then heat a couple of brots to go with it. I'm not really hungry, if eating shouldn't be too much trouble. It is more working up the gumption to cook food. I'll give it a shot. Later.
Mumbling through naps.
.
.
For me, a nap is, usually, right at two hours. I take that sleep because of need, sometimes want. I can only take them, no matter my condition, when they will happen. Often I feel the need or want but cannot fall asleep. Usually I know this beforehand. A nap usually puts me in a better situation. Yesterday, and probably today, my nap, upon waking, didn't seem to have helped. A bit of thinking, and more time awake after the nap yesterday, and I believe I am in better shape, it's just that compared to my usual, it just doesn't seem like it. Less so when I first wake.
The pains from yesterday do continue. They are simply much milder, or my natural pain relief had kicked in, or finally reached, these pains. Deep, I suggested. Not too intense, even yesterday. Even if I seem to live very well next to the graveyard, don't think there isn't a price. It's difficult to imagine that I have two, but more like four, decades left of this. And yet I am all but certain. The longer I live the more certain it becomes. Hey, but my blog will be an epic lament! At 2045 they will be keeping the blog world alive, just for me. No one will visit, just automated responses, meant to sell toothpaste or some new "legal" drug, or pictures of naked old women, or robots? Still, they'll keep it alive just as a hobby for kids of the future. If it doesn't all go down the tubes. Then again, even so, the future may simply be more virtual than it is today! We have all become the Sims.
Blathering? You betcha. Not even sure what I am on about. Actually, it isn't all bad, at all. A little low for a few months, but still doing better than I have for several decades. I'm just grumpy that I am not going at a real pace, and that it hurts either ways. But that I know, am tracking time, am dealing with the real world in several ways, and so on, means I am still doing better than I have in decades. Well, that certainly IS a lament, more so for those of you who, even if you have it hard, actually are able to work. You really don't know. I would be working if I could be, or back to college, or... anything. I can be a decent groundsman. What I can't do, I could get done, if I had a women doing the same with most of the house and food. But I can't hold a regular sort of job. I loved going to school, but it took extra medication, stuff they know say should have killed me. Bleh.
Blather. Grumpy. Sore. But not completely unhappy. I'll keep at it. *wink*
.
For me, a nap is, usually, right at two hours. I take that sleep because of need, sometimes want. I can only take them, no matter my condition, when they will happen. Often I feel the need or want but cannot fall asleep. Usually I know this beforehand. A nap usually puts me in a better situation. Yesterday, and probably today, my nap, upon waking, didn't seem to have helped. A bit of thinking, and more time awake after the nap yesterday, and I believe I am in better shape, it's just that compared to my usual, it just doesn't seem like it. Less so when I first wake.
The pains from yesterday do continue. They are simply much milder, or my natural pain relief had kicked in, or finally reached, these pains. Deep, I suggested. Not too intense, even yesterday. Even if I seem to live very well next to the graveyard, don't think there isn't a price. It's difficult to imagine that I have two, but more like four, decades left of this. And yet I am all but certain. The longer I live the more certain it becomes. Hey, but my blog will be an epic lament! At 2045 they will be keeping the blog world alive, just for me. No one will visit, just automated responses, meant to sell toothpaste or some new "legal" drug, or pictures of naked old women, or robots? Still, they'll keep it alive just as a hobby for kids of the future. If it doesn't all go down the tubes. Then again, even so, the future may simply be more virtual than it is today! We have all become the Sims.
Blathering? You betcha. Not even sure what I am on about. Actually, it isn't all bad, at all. A little low for a few months, but still doing better than I have for several decades. I'm just grumpy that I am not going at a real pace, and that it hurts either ways. But that I know, am tracking time, am dealing with the real world in several ways, and so on, means I am still doing better than I have in decades. Well, that certainly IS a lament, more so for those of you who, even if you have it hard, actually are able to work. You really don't know. I would be working if I could be, or back to college, or... anything. I can be a decent groundsman. What I can't do, I could get done, if I had a women doing the same with most of the house and food. But I can't hold a regular sort of job. I loved going to school, but it took extra medication, stuff they know say should have killed me. Bleh.
Blather. Grumpy. Sore. But not completely unhappy. I'll keep at it. *wink*
To bed late, up early.
.
.
No clue as to why. Don't care. I feel good enough, better than yesterday, and currently not on that bastard of an edge. Have you ever driven on what may or may not be ice? Yes? That was yesterday. Surrounded by cliffs, the only way off the road was down. If I could have slept more I would have. White knuckle living is what that was. Not today, or yet.
Dreams. Nothing fancy, not much came into the waking time. Something about being a mag-tech... being able to work on electrical and mechanical devices, and magic systems. That wasn't well defined, that latter part. I don't remember working on anything of a magical nature. Mostly just engine, motors, and such. A bunch of little problems needed to be solved. Timing chain, a couple of black-box systems to figure out which part was off, things like that. Ah, but there was a little bit of magic used in my work. I had magic gloves that... well... didn't even look like I was wearing anything, they kept my hands from getting too hot or cold, and completely protected the digits from the pounding mechanics usually just live with and getting oily/greasy. It was just the hands though, so if you removed an oil or other fluid drain plug at the wrong time you simply got to wear it. No, not in this dream. Done that in other dreams, usually transmission fluid, though at least once I dumped the radiator fluid on me. Funny thing? I have never even changed any of those things in real life. :p Actually, I don't exactly know how.
Today? I don't know. I am hoping to do a bit of cooking and cleaning. I won't say much more than that. It is cloudy and quite cool outside. I hope it stays like this, mostly, in the coming week. With the tools and toys I have, I would like to begin target shooting. The only thing I really want is a rebar puller. I am sure they carry it in town, but figuring out who does would be like pulling teeth. Most people don't even know what such a thing is (fair enough), let alone which type is best for what task (also fair enough), and I myself am ignorant. So... a hunting I may go. A bit of research and online window shopping. If I can figure out exactly what I want, I might be able to ask about local availability with a call. The world is so beg and knowledge is dying on the vine. It seems to me that we are beginning to living in the horror of tech melted minds on top of the reality of our nature coming back to bite right through what we thought were the defenses of modernity. We are animals, or at least animals too. Trying to hide or forget that is becoming our own Dr. Frankenstein, who goes on to "create" the Frankenstein monster. Yeah, true. My thing is I've spent decades figuring that out, realizing who did what, why, and when. Realizing who my true monster was. I'm happy being Frankenstein, the monster, if folk would leave it, and me if necessary, alone. Being the Doctor is the horror. *wink*
Gaming, though, first. To wake up, to start out slowly, to not take unnecessary risks. I won't hit what I avoided by quitting and going to bed. That will be too hard up front. Happily, the game allows me to go back and redo things I've missed, or little extras generated through gameplay, not open on the first playthrough. While this game, at least to me, or in my condition, has increased in difficulty, this is what I need. That struggle keeps me going, a bit. If it doesn't hurt, if I don't have to push, it just isn't for me. Healthy or ill, it's always been that way. Many of my people don't understand. I didn't understand. I think it's true of most people, I just take it a bit further. People end up getting stung for it, more than they thought. And not from behind their back. Odd, I think that is how most people work, so something up front and honest really gets to them, even when it isn't necessarily meant as such.
Oh, I have heard the notion of robot sex. I had to laugh. At least for me, I could no more imagine that than I could imagine mainlining cocaine or heroine. While I cannot learn to be perfectly chaste, and am horrible at the effort, that isn't the point. If I can't, or won't, have a woman, I will certainly not have a robot. I suspect robot "sex" is just for those type of men who never could and never will really be able to get women. Women are... really... easy. That's not a bad thing, or good thing. It's just the truth. I think a lot of men fear them? Or don't think... I don't know. Women love to serve and take a little bit from you for themselves in serving. The few women who are actually feminist aren't on even these small men's radar (modern feminism is just a type of socialism which is run by men for themselves, using women who can't get men). I have been avoiding a woman, myself, but for... actually the reasons have been satisfactorily resigned, so... I mean, I do believe I will live long enough... from what I have seen... So I could, now, go after a wife. And from what I have seen, there may be a way. At this point, I simply have to wait until... I am not sure she is interested or capable. Time will tell that. Delusional? Maybe. As I have said about that, the difference between two men is not which ones can dream up the impossible, but which one can then make that real. *grins* As to robots, I think that will be for the male form of feminists, for those who can't and won't get one but for whatever reason aren't quite gay. I don't even want to know, just from my vantage, that is what I suspect. I just can't understand not wanting a woman, and barring that nothing. Like dames, I do. The whole crazy package, just as it is.
Oh, I did learn something I would rather not to have learned... in a way. In a word? Smegma. As worldly as I have been, and though I knew there was something there, I never knew the word. It is a word that worries me. There are certain women, and thus I assume men, who are... decidedly nosesome. I am not sure we can smell ourselves and yet I am quite sure others can smell us. That smell, as they used to say... some are powerful with it. Men are, pretty much, nose-blind. I am gifted in that I can sense this with women (though not at all with men, thankfully). Though I am not sure it is a great gift with the intention of being celibate. It's like trying to quit drinking but being able to smell alcohol for seeming miles, through walls, and such. Anyway... Now I know and there is no un-knowing possible. Bleh.
Later!
.
No clue as to why. Don't care. I feel good enough, better than yesterday, and currently not on that bastard of an edge. Have you ever driven on what may or may not be ice? Yes? That was yesterday. Surrounded by cliffs, the only way off the road was down. If I could have slept more I would have. White knuckle living is what that was. Not today, or yet.
Dreams. Nothing fancy, not much came into the waking time. Something about being a mag-tech... being able to work on electrical and mechanical devices, and magic systems. That wasn't well defined, that latter part. I don't remember working on anything of a magical nature. Mostly just engine, motors, and such. A bunch of little problems needed to be solved. Timing chain, a couple of black-box systems to figure out which part was off, things like that. Ah, but there was a little bit of magic used in my work. I had magic gloves that... well... didn't even look like I was wearing anything, they kept my hands from getting too hot or cold, and completely protected the digits from the pounding mechanics usually just live with and getting oily/greasy. It was just the hands though, so if you removed an oil or other fluid drain plug at the wrong time you simply got to wear it. No, not in this dream. Done that in other dreams, usually transmission fluid, though at least once I dumped the radiator fluid on me. Funny thing? I have never even changed any of those things in real life. :p Actually, I don't exactly know how.
Today? I don't know. I am hoping to do a bit of cooking and cleaning. I won't say much more than that. It is cloudy and quite cool outside. I hope it stays like this, mostly, in the coming week. With the tools and toys I have, I would like to begin target shooting. The only thing I really want is a rebar puller. I am sure they carry it in town, but figuring out who does would be like pulling teeth. Most people don't even know what such a thing is (fair enough), let alone which type is best for what task (also fair enough), and I myself am ignorant. So... a hunting I may go. A bit of research and online window shopping. If I can figure out exactly what I want, I might be able to ask about local availability with a call. The world is so beg and knowledge is dying on the vine. It seems to me that we are beginning to living in the horror of tech melted minds on top of the reality of our nature coming back to bite right through what we thought were the defenses of modernity. We are animals, or at least animals too. Trying to hide or forget that is becoming our own Dr. Frankenstein, who goes on to "create" the Frankenstein monster. Yeah, true. My thing is I've spent decades figuring that out, realizing who did what, why, and when. Realizing who my true monster was. I'm happy being Frankenstein, the monster, if folk would leave it, and me if necessary, alone. Being the Doctor is the horror. *wink*
Gaming, though, first. To wake up, to start out slowly, to not take unnecessary risks. I won't hit what I avoided by quitting and going to bed. That will be too hard up front. Happily, the game allows me to go back and redo things I've missed, or little extras generated through gameplay, not open on the first playthrough. While this game, at least to me, or in my condition, has increased in difficulty, this is what I need. That struggle keeps me going, a bit. If it doesn't hurt, if I don't have to push, it just isn't for me. Healthy or ill, it's always been that way. Many of my people don't understand. I didn't understand. I think it's true of most people, I just take it a bit further. People end up getting stung for it, more than they thought. And not from behind their back. Odd, I think that is how most people work, so something up front and honest really gets to them, even when it isn't necessarily meant as such.
Oh, I have heard the notion of robot sex. I had to laugh. At least for me, I could no more imagine that than I could imagine mainlining cocaine or heroine. While I cannot learn to be perfectly chaste, and am horrible at the effort, that isn't the point. If I can't, or won't, have a woman, I will certainly not have a robot. I suspect robot "sex" is just for those type of men who never could and never will really be able to get women. Women are... really... easy. That's not a bad thing, or good thing. It's just the truth. I think a lot of men fear them? Or don't think... I don't know. Women love to serve and take a little bit from you for themselves in serving. The few women who are actually feminist aren't on even these small men's radar (modern feminism is just a type of socialism which is run by men for themselves, using women who can't get men). I have been avoiding a woman, myself, but for... actually the reasons have been satisfactorily resigned, so... I mean, I do believe I will live long enough... from what I have seen... So I could, now, go after a wife. And from what I have seen, there may be a way. At this point, I simply have to wait until... I am not sure she is interested or capable. Time will tell that. Delusional? Maybe. As I have said about that, the difference between two men is not which ones can dream up the impossible, but which one can then make that real. *grins* As to robots, I think that will be for the male form of feminists, for those who can't and won't get one but for whatever reason aren't quite gay. I don't even want to know, just from my vantage, that is what I suspect. I just can't understand not wanting a woman, and barring that nothing. Like dames, I do. The whole crazy package, just as it is.
Oh, I did learn something I would rather not to have learned... in a way. In a word? Smegma. As worldly as I have been, and though I knew there was something there, I never knew the word. It is a word that worries me. There are certain women, and thus I assume men, who are... decidedly nosesome. I am not sure we can smell ourselves and yet I am quite sure others can smell us. That smell, as they used to say... some are powerful with it. Men are, pretty much, nose-blind. I am gifted in that I can sense this with women (though not at all with men, thankfully). Though I am not sure it is a great gift with the intention of being celibate. It's like trying to quit drinking but being able to smell alcohol for seeming miles, through walls, and such. Anyway... Now I know and there is no un-knowing possible. Bleh.
Later!
So good.
.
.
I was able to moderate the harsh edges. Making it through the day as easily as possible seems to have worked. The game got a lot tighter. Tighter means harder. More, as the day wore on, I became sleepier. Still, I made it through several tough "fights", and a lot of exploring. I have a boss up next that I just can't do at this point in time. Oh, and I did get a nap in. No choice. It helped, on some level. Just the type of day it has been, that help doesn't seem to be all that good, just the way it goes.
Medicines, my first full dose of insulin tonight. Food, bits here and there. More kefir on the make. It's going to be rough for a while. Plus weather is changing with the season. *sigh* I'm not good at changes, less so right now. I'll keep going, doing what I can. Good night.
.
I was able to moderate the harsh edges. Making it through the day as easily as possible seems to have worked. The game got a lot tighter. Tighter means harder. More, as the day wore on, I became sleepier. Still, I made it through several tough "fights", and a lot of exploring. I have a boss up next that I just can't do at this point in time. Oh, and I did get a nap in. No choice. It helped, on some level. Just the type of day it has been, that help doesn't seem to be all that good, just the way it goes.
Medicines, my first full dose of insulin tonight. Food, bits here and there. More kefir on the make. It's going to be rough for a while. Plus weather is changing with the season. *sigh* I'm not good at changes, less so right now. I'll keep going, doing what I can. Good night.
Friday, September 18, 2015
Better.
.
.
Taking it easy sometimes helps, sometimes not. Today it simply isn't a choice. I had hoped to do a bit of work. Maybe not, at least not yet. Oh, a few very simple things. Focus isn't there, if I think even a bit of work would end up going down badly. I wouldn't call it a good day. I will merely say that I am keeping a balance between okay and falling off a cliff. There isn't good, there isn't medium, there isn't bad. I have two gears possible today. Alive and mostly not in too much pain and horror. So far I have been able to keep it in the better of the two. Which is why work probably won't go forward. I am simply just holding on.
Gaming eats the time that will keep me in some reasonable balance. The game is just about right. It hasn't been made stupidly hard and yet is not too easy. You have to figure things out but you can in a reasonable fashion, so far. For a button masher platform, I consider this game reasonably fair, entertaining, and doable. I would sometimes believe that the games are too easy, that when I am ill I shouldn't be able to play. But then, today, I solved a sudoku in 9 seconds. Sure, it isn't 5 seconds. But that is faster than... most. *grin* I just... sometimes illness can interfere, but I don't believe it necessarily does. Thrombosis, as I define, continues. While gaming, though, it tends to stay hidden... out of my "sight" anyway.
Thirsty! But there is something I had forgotten that I truly enjoy. Tea! I had some with dinner the other night. Four or five glasses. I am used to their tea, but home-brew of my favorite blends is better still. And, yeah, I will ice it. I may end up having several cups. A dark, then a green. These are among my favorite types. Still, the restaurant offers pretty good tea too. But I'm not there. On to tea, and more gaming. Then medicine and bed before too awful long. Later.
.
Taking it easy sometimes helps, sometimes not. Today it simply isn't a choice. I had hoped to do a bit of work. Maybe not, at least not yet. Oh, a few very simple things. Focus isn't there, if I think even a bit of work would end up going down badly. I wouldn't call it a good day. I will merely say that I am keeping a balance between okay and falling off a cliff. There isn't good, there isn't medium, there isn't bad. I have two gears possible today. Alive and mostly not in too much pain and horror. So far I have been able to keep it in the better of the two. Which is why work probably won't go forward. I am simply just holding on.
Gaming eats the time that will keep me in some reasonable balance. The game is just about right. It hasn't been made stupidly hard and yet is not too easy. You have to figure things out but you can in a reasonable fashion, so far. For a button masher platform, I consider this game reasonably fair, entertaining, and doable. I would sometimes believe that the games are too easy, that when I am ill I shouldn't be able to play. But then, today, I solved a sudoku in 9 seconds. Sure, it isn't 5 seconds. But that is faster than... most. *grin* I just... sometimes illness can interfere, but I don't believe it necessarily does. Thrombosis, as I define, continues. While gaming, though, it tends to stay hidden... out of my "sight" anyway.
Thirsty! But there is something I had forgotten that I truly enjoy. Tea! I had some with dinner the other night. Four or five glasses. I am used to their tea, but home-brew of my favorite blends is better still. And, yeah, I will ice it. I may end up having several cups. A dark, then a green. These are among my favorite types. Still, the restaurant offers pretty good tea too. But I'm not there. On to tea, and more gaming. Then medicine and bed before too awful long. Later.
Thrombosis.
.
.
No, not a medical diagnosis. I never did know what the word meant. I created a meaning for it, a specific sort of pain. It is very doubtful, just by the odds, that my meaning and the currently given meaning, are connected in any way. For me, the word means an ache, as if in the middle of bones. But can also be in the middle of dense muscle, as an ache the reverberates. It is not an intense pain, just a constant and somewhat powerful one at it's crescendo. Over time it really adds up. I'm sort of used to it. I've had this a lot over the years. But that is the pain(s)-(if you consider each a separate pain) I am suffering from yesterday on into today. It's milder. Getting out made it worse. If, with pain, making it worse can, at least for me, help burn it out. I never know the causes. And they aren't usually, or always, something that will keep me down.
The pain won't keep me down today. It is illness that will do that. I will be at my regular insulin dose tonight. I have some food and may try quinoa again. I said I would do that a day or two ago, it just didn't work out. If I can make one minor batch of the stuff, and make it come out right, I will be quite satisfied. If I can do a minor batch of dishes, I will be happier. And if I can get a load or two of dishes through I will be ecstatic. Not holding my breath. Which, right now, would hurt more anyway. I don't mind suffering, but I don't appreciate adding to it for no good reason, at least in the mind of a pessimist! ;P
I just need a bit to wake up. Coffee shortly. Writing and reading. I honestly think, some days, that death would be better, and a fairness. But I know that suffering my, sometimes, just be my duty in life. Seriously. I know I deserve it, if I don't think that is even how God works. To a degree, life, and work(s), is suffering at this point. Winning, losing, loving, not liking, living, dying, all at the same time, and in an imperfect package in a fallen world. Gotta hurt. Still, I have agreed to life, and all that goes with it, so help me God. It is, more so for some, harder to live than to die, in more ways than one for some of us. Then again, I have always been a lousy better who comes out ahead in spite of myself. In this more than in any other bet I have placed.
Later.
.
No, not a medical diagnosis. I never did know what the word meant. I created a meaning for it, a specific sort of pain. It is very doubtful, just by the odds, that my meaning and the currently given meaning, are connected in any way. For me, the word means an ache, as if in the middle of bones. But can also be in the middle of dense muscle, as an ache the reverberates. It is not an intense pain, just a constant and somewhat powerful one at it's crescendo. Over time it really adds up. I'm sort of used to it. I've had this a lot over the years. But that is the pain(s)-(if you consider each a separate pain) I am suffering from yesterday on into today. It's milder. Getting out made it worse. If, with pain, making it worse can, at least for me, help burn it out. I never know the causes. And they aren't usually, or always, something that will keep me down.
The pain won't keep me down today. It is illness that will do that. I will be at my regular insulin dose tonight. I have some food and may try quinoa again. I said I would do that a day or two ago, it just didn't work out. If I can make one minor batch of the stuff, and make it come out right, I will be quite satisfied. If I can do a minor batch of dishes, I will be happier. And if I can get a load or two of dishes through I will be ecstatic. Not holding my breath. Which, right now, would hurt more anyway. I don't mind suffering, but I don't appreciate adding to it for no good reason, at least in the mind of a pessimist! ;P
I just need a bit to wake up. Coffee shortly. Writing and reading. I honestly think, some days, that death would be better, and a fairness. But I know that suffering my, sometimes, just be my duty in life. Seriously. I know I deserve it, if I don't think that is even how God works. To a degree, life, and work(s), is suffering at this point. Winning, losing, loving, not liking, living, dying, all at the same time, and in an imperfect package in a fallen world. Gotta hurt. Still, I have agreed to life, and all that goes with it, so help me God. It is, more so for some, harder to live than to die, in more ways than one for some of us. Then again, I have always been a lousy better who comes out ahead in spite of myself. In this more than in any other bet I have placed.
Later.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
It just hurts.
.
.
Bedtime nears. I think I'll be able to sleep. Even with the pain. I won't bother taking anacin or tylenol. I don't think it's a sort of pain those can help. Too deep, organ, even inside some of my bones. Why I hurt like that doesn't even make sense. I pushed, but this is something else. It just is, and would occur if I had gone out or not. I am still extremely thirsty, while being unable to get rid of that fluid fast enough. That, if I had to guess, is the biggest problem.
Insulin will be back up to normal levels tomorrow. It will still take a week to get that straight. I have the weekend. I am not getting out tomorrow. Perhaps things will find a way to make sense. At least parts of my days are good. Today, though, as slow as I was going I was still always moving so fast that I never really could gauge just how good or bad it was until this evening. It must have been good enough earlier, for me to either decided to get out, or even just do it without considering, or reconsidering.
So tired, in spite of the pain. Good night.
.
Bedtime nears. I think I'll be able to sleep. Even with the pain. I won't bother taking anacin or tylenol. I don't think it's a sort of pain those can help. Too deep, organ, even inside some of my bones. Why I hurt like that doesn't even make sense. I pushed, but this is something else. It just is, and would occur if I had gone out or not. I am still extremely thirsty, while being unable to get rid of that fluid fast enough. That, if I had to guess, is the biggest problem.
Insulin will be back up to normal levels tomorrow. It will still take a week to get that straight. I have the weekend. I am not getting out tomorrow. Perhaps things will find a way to make sense. At least parts of my days are good. Today, though, as slow as I was going I was still always moving so fast that I never really could gauge just how good or bad it was until this evening. It must have been good enough earlier, for me to either decided to get out, or even just do it without considering, or reconsidering.
So tired, in spite of the pain. Good night.
I did get out.
.
.
Brutal. No way I can go tomorrow. I overheated. I am just not correct with medicine yet. I got pretty much what I wanted. The only thing I couldn't find was a rebar puller. I may look online. I am sure it is in town, I just am not up to driving from store to store looking. Actually, 15' targets were not to be found either. Milk, 4' rebar poles, a medium sludge hammer, and some ties... oh and another box of .22's.
We went to dinner first. I don't know. The world is changing and I think I want to withdraw more and more from it. It is collapsing in on itself. Things that were the norm are changing. Simple things. I ordered an italian omelet, something I have eaten at that restaurant for five or six years now, and got a taco omelet. Two very different things. Is the economy crashing so that... I don't know. Then again we had a male waiter, and I didn't... appreciate that much. Some are better than others. Some are not.
More... I am not sure my friend is my friend anymore. I'll be talking to him, but may just be backing away there too. If he doesn't like me, and that is what I am seeing, then it's best just to not be friends. I may be seeing him Monday. Choices are getting slim. I need to start cutting out excess and things that don't belong. Lots of changes in the wind. Make sure why you are in my circle, and make sure that is where you really want to be. If not, best to part ways.
I have things to do, and many miles and years to go. It's best that I cut any dead weight. Funny though... I am hated for what I think, yet hated for putting it out that I may be going. So... which is it? Yeah, see, that isn't my problem. But I will fix it. I owe no one, I have done my best to pay off my debts, and then some, as I have been going along. If I have overpaid, you are free to go with it, but no more if you are not honestly in my circle. I will be looking, and fixing. I do have places to go.
Brutal day. I am hoping I can cool off so as to sleep before too long. Later. Good night if I can sleep in the next few hours.
Hmm, a musical thought. Not important these days, just a thought.
.
Brutal. No way I can go tomorrow. I overheated. I am just not correct with medicine yet. I got pretty much what I wanted. The only thing I couldn't find was a rebar puller. I may look online. I am sure it is in town, I just am not up to driving from store to store looking. Actually, 15' targets were not to be found either. Milk, 4' rebar poles, a medium sludge hammer, and some ties... oh and another box of .22's.
We went to dinner first. I don't know. The world is changing and I think I want to withdraw more and more from it. It is collapsing in on itself. Things that were the norm are changing. Simple things. I ordered an italian omelet, something I have eaten at that restaurant for five or six years now, and got a taco omelet. Two very different things. Is the economy crashing so that... I don't know. Then again we had a male waiter, and I didn't... appreciate that much. Some are better than others. Some are not.
More... I am not sure my friend is my friend anymore. I'll be talking to him, but may just be backing away there too. If he doesn't like me, and that is what I am seeing, then it's best just to not be friends. I may be seeing him Monday. Choices are getting slim. I need to start cutting out excess and things that don't belong. Lots of changes in the wind. Make sure why you are in my circle, and make sure that is where you really want to be. If not, best to part ways.
I have things to do, and many miles and years to go. It's best that I cut any dead weight. Funny though... I am hated for what I think, yet hated for putting it out that I may be going. So... which is it? Yeah, see, that isn't my problem. But I will fix it. I owe no one, I have done my best to pay off my debts, and then some, as I have been going along. If I have overpaid, you are free to go with it, but no more if you are not honestly in my circle. I will be looking, and fixing. I do have places to go.
Brutal day. I am hoping I can cool off so as to sleep before too long. Later. Good night if I can sleep in the next few hours.
Hmm, a musical thought. Not important these days, just a thought.
Glad I took medicine.
.
.
Green about the gills yet this morning, but waking three, maybe four, times through the night to eliminate liquids means that this morning is better. Too much fluid in there just wreaks havoc. Sometimes I can miss, sometimes I can't. Until everything is topped off and I am adjusted, I really have to be very careful. Most so with this dire thirst.
My dreams were all messed up last night. Chaos of notion and theme was the rule, if more just a confusion of notions than a darkness of them. I would be in the kitchen, looking for a particular sized bowl and lid, for example. But before I could find it I would end up in the shower, then hiking. It was as if memories, or time, had become scrambled. A movie slide show, where each flip of the card holder lead to a little movie of some other part of my life. It didn't bug me too much, nothing embarrassing or rude. It also wasn't pleasing or interesting. Several dreams just like that.
Some wonder if I am supporting chaos, with or without a capital letter. These, I must assume, do not understand. Do I support the sun coming up every morning. Whether clouds hide it mostly or not, or other events, it really does come up over the horizon on every single day. (Though, technically, that isn't even true, our planet turns, actually, into view of the sun at various parts on the planet, still...) Do I support that, or do I simply realize it and accept that? A bit of both, just as with chaos. It is. And there is a reason for it. What men do with that is a wholly other issue. Chaos itself is a device, in my opinion, that God created in order to affect change. Certainly, aspects of it have been corrupted. And that has led to further corruptions... corruptions of that first corruption in order to create balance. Much as the corruption of Christ's murder was corrupted back to being a good. No... you... may not understand, agree, or believe. But there you have it, from my side. If I am what I suspect, I am a corruption, now, of a corruption, and for a purpose I, finally, approve. Then again, it is pleasing to know even Christ had to struggle with His own way in this path. He begged that the price be lifted, He bled in fear. I just hope I may follow and do as I must, in my time. All things through God. Amen.
Ah, today? I already took my medicine. I'll post, then read and maybe comment, and check various pseudo news sources, then watch a vid or two and play a new game. I ordered Castlevania, 1 & 2. As I may have suggested, I didn't think the game would be all that good. Heard bad things about it. But, from what I have seen, the "great games", to my mind, mostly suck. I'm not into multi-player, at all. Most games seem to want to force you into that. I doubt if it is as popular as it seems. A corruption that even the #GamerGaters push on us. They force it into the trophies, they make many games all but only multi-player. And they suck. Funny thing is, many of the #GG'ers ARE the very type they are fighting. They just don't want to have others like them telling them HOW TO corrupt their games. They do so, on their own, very well "thank you". Bleh. While I, generally, support them, it is nearing the type of support I had for the GOP near the end of my involvement with them. Weak. And for good reasons. If they don't pull their own head out of their ass and stop corrupting and preaching themselves, they are next! Just a warning.
Grumpy bastard lately. Then again, being mostly dead and more as of late, dealing with liars, cheaters, and thieves at every turn, and trying to get going again, tends to leave a guy with very few vapors left for civility. So watch your smarm, snark, teh stupid, and metro-charm. I'll burn it all without so much as a flinch. Yeah, maybe just a tad grumpy.
It's a good day. Cloudy, but at the right time of year and as I am needing cool. I'll figure some things out, possibly put on a batch of quinoa, toss in some laundry, do a few dishes, get a shower and light breakfast in, then get ready for town. Hell no I don't feel like it! Which... is exactly why I'll push for it. And, tomorrow, I am hoping to get out shooting. I ain't dead yet, just mostly. *wink* Later.
.
Green about the gills yet this morning, but waking three, maybe four, times through the night to eliminate liquids means that this morning is better. Too much fluid in there just wreaks havoc. Sometimes I can miss, sometimes I can't. Until everything is topped off and I am adjusted, I really have to be very careful. Most so with this dire thirst.
My dreams were all messed up last night. Chaos of notion and theme was the rule, if more just a confusion of notions than a darkness of them. I would be in the kitchen, looking for a particular sized bowl and lid, for example. But before I could find it I would end up in the shower, then hiking. It was as if memories, or time, had become scrambled. A movie slide show, where each flip of the card holder lead to a little movie of some other part of my life. It didn't bug me too much, nothing embarrassing or rude. It also wasn't pleasing or interesting. Several dreams just like that.
Some wonder if I am supporting chaos, with or without a capital letter. These, I must assume, do not understand. Do I support the sun coming up every morning. Whether clouds hide it mostly or not, or other events, it really does come up over the horizon on every single day. (Though, technically, that isn't even true, our planet turns, actually, into view of the sun at various parts on the planet, still...) Do I support that, or do I simply realize it and accept that? A bit of both, just as with chaos. It is. And there is a reason for it. What men do with that is a wholly other issue. Chaos itself is a device, in my opinion, that God created in order to affect change. Certainly, aspects of it have been corrupted. And that has led to further corruptions... corruptions of that first corruption in order to create balance. Much as the corruption of Christ's murder was corrupted back to being a good. No... you... may not understand, agree, or believe. But there you have it, from my side. If I am what I suspect, I am a corruption, now, of a corruption, and for a purpose I, finally, approve. Then again, it is pleasing to know even Christ had to struggle with His own way in this path. He begged that the price be lifted, He bled in fear. I just hope I may follow and do as I must, in my time. All things through God. Amen.
Ah, today? I already took my medicine. I'll post, then read and maybe comment, and check various pseudo news sources, then watch a vid or two and play a new game. I ordered Castlevania, 1 & 2. As I may have suggested, I didn't think the game would be all that good. Heard bad things about it. But, from what I have seen, the "great games", to my mind, mostly suck. I'm not into multi-player, at all. Most games seem to want to force you into that. I doubt if it is as popular as it seems. A corruption that even the #GamerGaters push on us. They force it into the trophies, they make many games all but only multi-player. And they suck. Funny thing is, many of the #GG'ers ARE the very type they are fighting. They just don't want to have others like them telling them HOW TO corrupt their games. They do so, on their own, very well "thank you". Bleh. While I, generally, support them, it is nearing the type of support I had for the GOP near the end of my involvement with them. Weak. And for good reasons. If they don't pull their own head out of their ass and stop corrupting and preaching themselves, they are next! Just a warning.
Grumpy bastard lately. Then again, being mostly dead and more as of late, dealing with liars, cheaters, and thieves at every turn, and trying to get going again, tends to leave a guy with very few vapors left for civility. So watch your smarm, snark, teh stupid, and metro-charm. I'll burn it all without so much as a flinch. Yeah, maybe just a tad grumpy.
It's a good day. Cloudy, but at the right time of year and as I am needing cool. I'll figure some things out, possibly put on a batch of quinoa, toss in some laundry, do a few dishes, get a shower and light breakfast in, then get ready for town. Hell no I don't feel like it! Which... is exactly why I'll push for it. And, tomorrow, I am hoping to get out shooting. I ain't dead yet, just mostly. *wink* Later.
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
I had missed medicine.
.
.
I just can't afford to do that. So I took morning meds, then waited as long as I could stay awake before taking the evening dose. It means I'll be up and down all night trying to get rid of fluids. Better to lose sleep then overload on fluids. I am still drinking a bit heavily. No real choice. Until medicines are balanced again, it will be troubling... everything. I can't seem to drink enough. It becomes almost an obsession. Iced water and milk by the quart, coffee by the pot, crystal light by the pitcher. THIRSTY! It isn't a true dehydration though, because my usual cures for that don't work. Actually beer tastes the best, but in my condition a few beers beat me up. Just as if I ate too much pasta, or potato salad. Carbs trash me harshly in the condition I am in.
I will try to get a shower in tomorrow, then get on to town. I don't have to hurry, I'm not planning to be in until afternoon. I would like to get a shower and shave kicked out early. Maybe a load of laundry or two. Perhaps some messing... scratch that... cleaning in the kitchen. Not a lot, just a bit here and there. I just need to remember to take the water pill pretty much as soon as I wake. My roughness today has been from water loading.
I still think it is beyond a typical use of the word miracle that I still kick. More so since I am almost sure I will be here for at least another forty years. Doesn't seem possible, just trust me. Oh, I'll suffer. And I keep learning how to mitigate that, or live with it. It isn't my faith that will keep me going, either. Actually, my long life, even to this point, is counter to my natural druthers, and contrary to the type of creature I am. I just, by finding my own doctor, took a step toward independence. I didn't let them force a doctor of their choice, and I won't let them have involvement anymore. I have fired my medical staff, from a position of relative powerlessness. And I am not done. Remember this, when Zerocare is all you have. You had best be able and willing to fight for your life. Because these people are set up to kill you. And they will if you let them. I really fear for old folk and very shortly.
I hope to hear something tomorrow, about meds. Perhaps even getting this new doctor paid, and labs. I won't allow for any strings, however. No information sharing, other than scripts sent. No sharing of lab results. Nothing. I'm not going to have big brother leaning over my, or my doctor's, shoulders. Further, if my doc doesn't get properly reimbursed, I will make sure to keep him on a cash basis. I'll be seeing him soon and will discuss this with him. I did get a strange call shortly after my last visit. Something about a health program. If it would take me, with my conditions, it would have to be Zerocare. I will skip that. I just left the first trial version of that for it's absolute failure. Cash is best.
Yea, took my shot and last of my medicine. Just trying to give it all time to work, and maybe void one more time. Doesn't seem likely, so... good night.
.
I just can't afford to do that. So I took morning meds, then waited as long as I could stay awake before taking the evening dose. It means I'll be up and down all night trying to get rid of fluids. Better to lose sleep then overload on fluids. I am still drinking a bit heavily. No real choice. Until medicines are balanced again, it will be troubling... everything. I can't seem to drink enough. It becomes almost an obsession. Iced water and milk by the quart, coffee by the pot, crystal light by the pitcher. THIRSTY! It isn't a true dehydration though, because my usual cures for that don't work. Actually beer tastes the best, but in my condition a few beers beat me up. Just as if I ate too much pasta, or potato salad. Carbs trash me harshly in the condition I am in.
I will try to get a shower in tomorrow, then get on to town. I don't have to hurry, I'm not planning to be in until afternoon. I would like to get a shower and shave kicked out early. Maybe a load of laundry or two. Perhaps some messing... scratch that... cleaning in the kitchen. Not a lot, just a bit here and there. I just need to remember to take the water pill pretty much as soon as I wake. My roughness today has been from water loading.
I still think it is beyond a typical use of the word miracle that I still kick. More so since I am almost sure I will be here for at least another forty years. Doesn't seem possible, just trust me. Oh, I'll suffer. And I keep learning how to mitigate that, or live with it. It isn't my faith that will keep me going, either. Actually, my long life, even to this point, is counter to my natural druthers, and contrary to the type of creature I am. I just, by finding my own doctor, took a step toward independence. I didn't let them force a doctor of their choice, and I won't let them have involvement anymore. I have fired my medical staff, from a position of relative powerlessness. And I am not done. Remember this, when Zerocare is all you have. You had best be able and willing to fight for your life. Because these people are set up to kill you. And they will if you let them. I really fear for old folk and very shortly.
I hope to hear something tomorrow, about meds. Perhaps even getting this new doctor paid, and labs. I won't allow for any strings, however. No information sharing, other than scripts sent. No sharing of lab results. Nothing. I'm not going to have big brother leaning over my, or my doctor's, shoulders. Further, if my doc doesn't get properly reimbursed, I will make sure to keep him on a cash basis. I'll be seeing him soon and will discuss this with him. I did get a strange call shortly after my last visit. Something about a health program. If it would take me, with my conditions, it would have to be Zerocare. I will skip that. I just left the first trial version of that for it's absolute failure. Cash is best.
Yea, took my shot and last of my medicine. Just trying to give it all time to work, and maybe void one more time. Doesn't seem likely, so... good night.
Bits and pieces.
.
.
I called my friend. He is busy tomorrow, trying to learn how to walk on his prosthetic. He says he can walk nearly a football field. I am pleased, for him. I don't know how to reward him, but when he is walking regularly I will find a way. Maybe something fancy, or maybe just a dinner somewhere. I know it is hard on him. Still, I am hoping to get in to town tomorrow. Nothing fancy. A meal out, rebar, a setter for that (pounder of some sort) and puller, some zip ties, and more targets. If all goes well, a trip to the range Friday or Monday.
I now have three targets. One for my friend, if he wants, two for me. If I go out solo sometimes, I may put one at 100, then 200 and 300 yards. I would also like to do various ranges with my pistol. Which range I go to will depend on which firearms I am practicing. I really have to do more serious target practice, from time to time. Cans are good, fun makes learning more natural. That just can't be all. In a month or two, after looking at various metal targets/gongs, I may order several sizes of those and several holders, for even greater distance target practice. I really need a range spotting scope. But which one? I just wish I knew guys who had used various types. You can spend $60 to $1,200, and more. I have great doubts that is necessary, $1,200. And yet I am quite sure most $200~$300 scopes aren't worth your time. But one might be. Just... which one.
I did start some dishes. I may hits some laundry. I started a new game, one I didn't think would be all that good. While it is dated, and more a button masher than real talent game, it is actually much better than what I had heard. My problem, so far, is that the in-game instructions sort of suck, or don't show up well or in a timely way. I didn't read the actual instruction book, if those are usually empty anymore. I finally got frustrated enough to see what the problem was. I think I have it. Having it, understanding it that is, and doing it, are two different things.
It's almost bedtime though. I'm feeling water logged and a bit rough, but just on the better edge of it. I wonder if I forgot medicine today? If so, I'll take the "morning dose", stay up for several more hours gaming, then take the late dose. I just can't miss medicine and get better, even if there is a little price to pay.
Ah, and the V.A. called. The fellow with whom I spoke listened and... asked me what I was talking about. He, too, thought the V.A. had to offer medicine in my situation. He, too, is 100% service connected. I don't need to be in a program, I don't need special authorization, I don't need anything. He asked if I have been getting my medicine through the V.A. Yep, for... for decades. Yeah, he had no idea why they weren't working with me. I didn't say much, just that they have been jacking me for a while now. He has heard that they do that to some vets, and not to others, sometimes with some supposed cause, sometimes without. Yeah, he knows. He said he would get back to me tomorrow. I hope so. Just insulin, that's $1,200 at least.
Well, I'm hoping to get out tomorrow. Just to clown around, do some shopping, get more milk, and have a "free" meal. No dishes, no cooking, that's free. Later, or good night.
.
I called my friend. He is busy tomorrow, trying to learn how to walk on his prosthetic. He says he can walk nearly a football field. I am pleased, for him. I don't know how to reward him, but when he is walking regularly I will find a way. Maybe something fancy, or maybe just a dinner somewhere. I know it is hard on him. Still, I am hoping to get in to town tomorrow. Nothing fancy. A meal out, rebar, a setter for that (pounder of some sort) and puller, some zip ties, and more targets. If all goes well, a trip to the range Friday or Monday.
I now have three targets. One for my friend, if he wants, two for me. If I go out solo sometimes, I may put one at 100, then 200 and 300 yards. I would also like to do various ranges with my pistol. Which range I go to will depend on which firearms I am practicing. I really have to do more serious target practice, from time to time. Cans are good, fun makes learning more natural. That just can't be all. In a month or two, after looking at various metal targets/gongs, I may order several sizes of those and several holders, for even greater distance target practice. I really need a range spotting scope. But which one? I just wish I knew guys who had used various types. You can spend $60 to $1,200, and more. I have great doubts that is necessary, $1,200. And yet I am quite sure most $200~$300 scopes aren't worth your time. But one might be. Just... which one.
I did start some dishes. I may hits some laundry. I started a new game, one I didn't think would be all that good. While it is dated, and more a button masher than real talent game, it is actually much better than what I had heard. My problem, so far, is that the in-game instructions sort of suck, or don't show up well or in a timely way. I didn't read the actual instruction book, if those are usually empty anymore. I finally got frustrated enough to see what the problem was. I think I have it. Having it, understanding it that is, and doing it, are two different things.
It's almost bedtime though. I'm feeling water logged and a bit rough, but just on the better edge of it. I wonder if I forgot medicine today? If so, I'll take the "morning dose", stay up for several more hours gaming, then take the late dose. I just can't miss medicine and get better, even if there is a little price to pay.
Ah, and the V.A. called. The fellow with whom I spoke listened and... asked me what I was talking about. He, too, thought the V.A. had to offer medicine in my situation. He, too, is 100% service connected. I don't need to be in a program, I don't need special authorization, I don't need anything. He asked if I have been getting my medicine through the V.A. Yep, for... for decades. Yeah, he had no idea why they weren't working with me. I didn't say much, just that they have been jacking me for a while now. He has heard that they do that to some vets, and not to others, sometimes with some supposed cause, sometimes without. Yeah, he knows. He said he would get back to me tomorrow. I hope so. Just insulin, that's $1,200 at least.
Well, I'm hoping to get out tomorrow. Just to clown around, do some shopping, get more milk, and have a "free" meal. No dishes, no cooking, that's free. Later, or good night.
One whole day and a wake.
.
.
Alive, again, and well enough. Some minor extra heat this morning, though even that is not a discomfort, just an irregularity. Two more days, I believe, and I will be back to level with insulin. I went the fast way. While there was a price, there was also a benefit. A few days ago all of my organs seem to have kicked back in.
------
A dream, last night. Memories of many lives and talks with others. I have raised the notion of each of us having two wolves inside. One black, one white. When asked which will win... our heart, our will, our ways... the answer is whichever we feed.
In the simple, that seems enough. But it is not. Between choosing which wolf to feed, we should know that we cannot just feed the one wolf. Or... what is evil in one situation may well be good in another. Our lusts must be controlled, but only to be fed within certain boundaries. Denying our hunger will lead to a ravenous hunger that may well escape us. The same goes for food, even our hunger for righteousness. We must feed each, in it's time and way. Further, even with our best intentions, and within the confines, our lusts will get the better of us.
Do not blind yourself to your darker intentions and spirits. Know them. Neither hate nor disrespect them. They will see you to children, they will see you to a life and family. They will see you to life when dark things have to happen for that to occur. Just don't, then, ignore the good. If you have gone to far in these pursuits, then find your way back to Wisdom, through Wisdom. Odd how forgiving God really is. It's just that no sin can be forgiven if it isn't accepted as such.
Such a dream. Hurt my feelings. Went into details I won't. Things forgotten. And, yet, I was happy to have reverted a time in my life when darkness was all I knew to a time in the light in which I walk. I understand why what was done was done, I know it to have been right. I just could have done without the hubris, if too perhaps without it I could not have done the right things. An enigma, in some ways. Without the hubris of need, want, children would not be born. It is the same with even the vengeance of God.
Oh, and, well... this makes me understand some of what I am seeing in the world. I just pray that those who must now do the darker deeds will live to look back upon these things and... understand more fully. Such dreams are wonderful and horrible at the same time. Like confession, to me. A dreadful grace.
------
Raining hard, off and on. Thunder and lightning. Wonderful. Too dark to see it, which is a shame. I love these sorts of storms! Just woke up, typing without the "lights on", sort of. I hope any of that makes sense. Oh, I know what is required! Coffee! Later.
.
Alive, again, and well enough. Some minor extra heat this morning, though even that is not a discomfort, just an irregularity. Two more days, I believe, and I will be back to level with insulin. I went the fast way. While there was a price, there was also a benefit. A few days ago all of my organs seem to have kicked back in.
------
A dream, last night. Memories of many lives and talks with others. I have raised the notion of each of us having two wolves inside. One black, one white. When asked which will win... our heart, our will, our ways... the answer is whichever we feed.
In the simple, that seems enough. But it is not. Between choosing which wolf to feed, we should know that we cannot just feed the one wolf. Or... what is evil in one situation may well be good in another. Our lusts must be controlled, but only to be fed within certain boundaries. Denying our hunger will lead to a ravenous hunger that may well escape us. The same goes for food, even our hunger for righteousness. We must feed each, in it's time and way. Further, even with our best intentions, and within the confines, our lusts will get the better of us.
Do not blind yourself to your darker intentions and spirits. Know them. Neither hate nor disrespect them. They will see you to children, they will see you to a life and family. They will see you to life when dark things have to happen for that to occur. Just don't, then, ignore the good. If you have gone to far in these pursuits, then find your way back to Wisdom, through Wisdom. Odd how forgiving God really is. It's just that no sin can be forgiven if it isn't accepted as such.
Such a dream. Hurt my feelings. Went into details I won't. Things forgotten. And, yet, I was happy to have reverted a time in my life when darkness was all I knew to a time in the light in which I walk. I understand why what was done was done, I know it to have been right. I just could have done without the hubris, if too perhaps without it I could not have done the right things. An enigma, in some ways. Without the hubris of need, want, children would not be born. It is the same with even the vengeance of God.
Oh, and, well... this makes me understand some of what I am seeing in the world. I just pray that those who must now do the darker deeds will live to look back upon these things and... understand more fully. Such dreams are wonderful and horrible at the same time. Like confession, to me. A dreadful grace.
------
Raining hard, off and on. Thunder and lightning. Wonderful. Too dark to see it, which is a shame. I love these sorts of storms! Just woke up, typing without the "lights on", sort of. I hope any of that makes sense. Oh, I know what is required! Coffee! Later.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Good things.
.
.
It is a good thing I didn't go on to town today, or take a nap. I have received a bunch of calls today. The easiest one has been the gym membership I canceled long ago. They were still trying to charge me. I am glad, when they asked if I wanted a copy, that I took one. When she called, I told her I had quit, signing out there, long ago. And that I got a copy. I have no doubt, that if I hadn't gotten a copy, I would still be required to pay and to have to go in and sign out again. She canceled all my "back dues". She said "they" hadn't sent her the information and yet she found it in almost no time. Or was it in the file she was looking at. As I suggested, if I hadn't told her I knew I had a copy, she would be forcing the issue. Done and done. Actually, the only reason they aren't still charging me is that my debit card was changed due to someone else criminally getting their hands on the old numbers. One criminal or another it seems.
Then a woman at my new doctors office called about the V.A. and medicine. I just suggested they would lie to me more than they lie to her. They tried to tell her no such thing was possible, then something else, and finally that, it turns out, I need to speak to someone at the V.A. about a particular program. I called, was switched to one of them, but his voicemail was full and he wasn't answering. So I called back, seeing that as totally unsat, and they hooked me up with a different program manager. Her line wasn't receiving but her voice message was functional. I left a message. I told the woman at my doctor's office that I would let her know, but only when I found something out. I let her know it might take a few hours or a few days. Now I get to just wait for a call.
It seems I have to get a referral, but since I have a doctor I will ask them to use him as the referral. I know they don't want to work that way. They have political, social, and whatever other attachments to some doctors. I expect problems. Which is a bit of a problem. Lantus alone is a small fortune. If I have to, though, I have to. I won't go to the V.A. Just what is going on, on top of what happened that caused all this, is why no vet should even consider going. Figure out another way. If I do have to pay for meds, the trip next month, reduced as it was already going to be, may be totally off. Bleh.
I can't remember, but I thought there was another call in there. Yeah, good thing I didn't head to town or nap. And I am feeling better still. Only a minor internal pain... upper left torso, just below ribcage. No idea what that is. Not an uncommon pain when messing with insulin though. Later.
.
It is a good thing I didn't go on to town today, or take a nap. I have received a bunch of calls today. The easiest one has been the gym membership I canceled long ago. They were still trying to charge me. I am glad, when they asked if I wanted a copy, that I took one. When she called, I told her I had quit, signing out there, long ago. And that I got a copy. I have no doubt, that if I hadn't gotten a copy, I would still be required to pay and to have to go in and sign out again. She canceled all my "back dues". She said "they" hadn't sent her the information and yet she found it in almost no time. Or was it in the file she was looking at. As I suggested, if I hadn't told her I knew I had a copy, she would be forcing the issue. Done and done. Actually, the only reason they aren't still charging me is that my debit card was changed due to someone else criminally getting their hands on the old numbers. One criminal or another it seems.
Then a woman at my new doctors office called about the V.A. and medicine. I just suggested they would lie to me more than they lie to her. They tried to tell her no such thing was possible, then something else, and finally that, it turns out, I need to speak to someone at the V.A. about a particular program. I called, was switched to one of them, but his voicemail was full and he wasn't answering. So I called back, seeing that as totally unsat, and they hooked me up with a different program manager. Her line wasn't receiving but her voice message was functional. I left a message. I told the woman at my doctor's office that I would let her know, but only when I found something out. I let her know it might take a few hours or a few days. Now I get to just wait for a call.
It seems I have to get a referral, but since I have a doctor I will ask them to use him as the referral. I know they don't want to work that way. They have political, social, and whatever other attachments to some doctors. I expect problems. Which is a bit of a problem. Lantus alone is a small fortune. If I have to, though, I have to. I won't go to the V.A. Just what is going on, on top of what happened that caused all this, is why no vet should even consider going. Figure out another way. If I do have to pay for meds, the trip next month, reduced as it was already going to be, may be totally off. Bleh.
I can't remember, but I thought there was another call in there. Yeah, good thing I didn't head to town or nap. And I am feeling better still. Only a minor internal pain... upper left torso, just below ribcage. No idea what that is. Not an uncommon pain when messing with insulin though. Later.
Already at it.
.
.
Not bad. I set the grill to really hot, started the brots, banked that a bit, then got quinoa going. Everything is done. However, I am not really pleased with the quinoa. It, as with last time, is just as mushy as when I soaked it. Okay, the problem? Both the golden stuff I usually buy, and this gray locally grown seed, are turning into gruel. I'm not sure what is wrong, but this is not what I am used to with quinoa to this point. I simply do not understand what the problem is. Why the old seeds seemed to open up, become crunchy, and have a clean taste... while the last two batches, of two different kinds, are ending up more like sticky rice, without any crunch or solidity pretty much at all. Fussy? Well... I just like that if I am told something is a rock, and buy it as such, that I get a rock, not a liquid or animal or bug. So... yes. Fussy. I'm cooking it exactly the same. If I had to guess, I would say one of two things. Either the seeds are smaller, thus don't "bloom" as well as what I had before, or something is keeping them from blooming and instead they are releasing a bunch of starch. It's not bad, it just isn't what I am used to for the last few years.
I have already eaten a few of the brots. Good. Food still isn't all that great tasting, but it will do. Generally, though, I am doing really good since I woke. I purchased grapes and am eating those, with honey crisp apples up next. Along with the brots, gooey quinoa, corn chips salsa and guacamole (storebought but it's what I can do), I should have food for a bit. If I make it back to town, and stop for milk, I might grab a batch of eggs while I am at it. I'll cook more of those the next time I get busy in the kitchen.
Life is definitely improving. There are little and big clues. I won't go in to detail. It's just good, from my side, to see everything working again. Sometimes this part of the recovery can be a bit unpleasant. This time it's good. Why this or that, now or then or before or soon, though, doesn't really make perfect sense. I actually don't look for one single, at least minor, thing. I look for bigger things and clusters. I'm getting a bit of both. Some of those things definitely ease life and are good signs.
I may just take a nap, then get a shower and shave in, then decide about getting to town. I've been up since about 4:30, I think. That is about six and an half hours of sleep. Shy. So a nap is a good thing. Yeah, a nap. Later.
.
Not bad. I set the grill to really hot, started the brots, banked that a bit, then got quinoa going. Everything is done. However, I am not really pleased with the quinoa. It, as with last time, is just as mushy as when I soaked it. Okay, the problem? Both the golden stuff I usually buy, and this gray locally grown seed, are turning into gruel. I'm not sure what is wrong, but this is not what I am used to with quinoa to this point. I simply do not understand what the problem is. Why the old seeds seemed to open up, become crunchy, and have a clean taste... while the last two batches, of two different kinds, are ending up more like sticky rice, without any crunch or solidity pretty much at all. Fussy? Well... I just like that if I am told something is a rock, and buy it as such, that I get a rock, not a liquid or animal or bug. So... yes. Fussy. I'm cooking it exactly the same. If I had to guess, I would say one of two things. Either the seeds are smaller, thus don't "bloom" as well as what I had before, or something is keeping them from blooming and instead they are releasing a bunch of starch. It's not bad, it just isn't what I am used to for the last few years.
I have already eaten a few of the brots. Good. Food still isn't all that great tasting, but it will do. Generally, though, I am doing really good since I woke. I purchased grapes and am eating those, with honey crisp apples up next. Along with the brots, gooey quinoa, corn chips salsa and guacamole (storebought but it's what I can do), I should have food for a bit. If I make it back to town, and stop for milk, I might grab a batch of eggs while I am at it. I'll cook more of those the next time I get busy in the kitchen.
Life is definitely improving. There are little and big clues. I won't go in to detail. It's just good, from my side, to see everything working again. Sometimes this part of the recovery can be a bit unpleasant. This time it's good. Why this or that, now or then or before or soon, though, doesn't really make perfect sense. I actually don't look for one single, at least minor, thing. I look for bigger things and clusters. I'm getting a bit of both. Some of those things definitely ease life and are good signs.
I may just take a nap, then get a shower and shave in, then decide about getting to town. I've been up since about 4:30, I think. That is about six and an half hours of sleep. Shy. So a nap is a good thing. Yeah, a nap. Later.
Good?
.
.
I am almost afraid to say. Yes, though. Since cooling down for bed last night, on through a good sleep if a bit short, and then on through waking. No pain, no fog, no troubles of any sort. My organs all seem to be working correctly again, no backup or turning to stone or needles-and-pins from waking. Muscle and joints are really good in that they work and I can't feel them. It is a good morning. I would like to say I don't worry, but I do. Condition can change in a minute, and go from this to about as bad as I can stay conscious and maintain. Any worse and I need to sleep or nap through it.
Like I said, I went ahead and did things, even though I was rough yesterday. Because I could, in spite of the bad. I wish even that was true more often. If I can't I don't. If I can I do. Condition doesn't really play a part in it. As I said though, those moments of feeling normal sure help. This morning is a boon.
I am hoping to get a bath/shower in, and maybe shave. Then do some housecleaning. A bit would be good enough. If all that works out, I may try to make it back in to town. I really want more milk and a few other things.
I dreamed, last night, that I was caught... being a guy. Talking the talk, being a bit rude, and such. Hey, it's going to happen. I won't put up, too much, with sass about it. If I go overboard, willfully, fair enough to call me on it. If it happens, it happens. Best to forgive than lament, if you must do anything. I won't negotiate minor character flaws, only note that I have them. I will not allow myself to be pulled by the nose for human nature. In the dream I decided, for sure, to go to Alaska. I just wanted to give the medicine another year or two, as I begin reducing and organizing my belongings, figuring out how to move, and selling my home. The dream was so real. Nothing in it told me it was a dream. It's just that, pretty much I always know these days.
There is a very strong potential for that one. If I go that way, once I get there, and find a means and a place, I will begin cutting off my medication. I will either live, or not, but without medical "help". I don't trust the stuff, to start. And I am almost sure it is more made to be addictive then helpful. The only way I can do it is to have my ducks in a row, and be able to live even when I can't hunt or fish, for a year or two. Rough, but doable. Medicine might help. It also might just sustain the disease and be an addiction. If I go that way I will find out. Previous gens believe in doctors. I think that is ending. I certainly have, at the very least extremely serious doubts about modern medicine. Chiropractors, just there first so with the best publicists, political insiders, and such. They have their use, but no where near what is advertised and with a serious dark side.
Later.
.
I am almost afraid to say. Yes, though. Since cooling down for bed last night, on through a good sleep if a bit short, and then on through waking. No pain, no fog, no troubles of any sort. My organs all seem to be working correctly again, no backup or turning to stone or needles-and-pins from waking. Muscle and joints are really good in that they work and I can't feel them. It is a good morning. I would like to say I don't worry, but I do. Condition can change in a minute, and go from this to about as bad as I can stay conscious and maintain. Any worse and I need to sleep or nap through it.
Like I said, I went ahead and did things, even though I was rough yesterday. Because I could, in spite of the bad. I wish even that was true more often. If I can't I don't. If I can I do. Condition doesn't really play a part in it. As I said though, those moments of feeling normal sure help. This morning is a boon.
I am hoping to get a bath/shower in, and maybe shave. Then do some housecleaning. A bit would be good enough. If all that works out, I may try to make it back in to town. I really want more milk and a few other things.
I dreamed, last night, that I was caught... being a guy. Talking the talk, being a bit rude, and such. Hey, it's going to happen. I won't put up, too much, with sass about it. If I go overboard, willfully, fair enough to call me on it. If it happens, it happens. Best to forgive than lament, if you must do anything. I won't negotiate minor character flaws, only note that I have them. I will not allow myself to be pulled by the nose for human nature. In the dream I decided, for sure, to go to Alaska. I just wanted to give the medicine another year or two, as I begin reducing and organizing my belongings, figuring out how to move, and selling my home. The dream was so real. Nothing in it told me it was a dream. It's just that, pretty much I always know these days.
There is a very strong potential for that one. If I go that way, once I get there, and find a means and a place, I will begin cutting off my medication. I will either live, or not, but without medical "help". I don't trust the stuff, to start. And I am almost sure it is more made to be addictive then helpful. The only way I can do it is to have my ducks in a row, and be able to live even when I can't hunt or fish, for a year or two. Rough, but doable. Medicine might help. It also might just sustain the disease and be an addiction. If I go that way I will find out. Previous gens believe in doctors. I think that is ending. I certainly have, at the very least extremely serious doubts about modern medicine. Chiropractors, just there first so with the best publicists, political insiders, and such. They have their use, but no where near what is advertised and with a serious dark side.
Later.
Monday, September 14, 2015
Haunted.
.
.
From several days ago, but it returns. I had forgotten this... until I remembered it. - the management
Visions and thoughts. Fears and hopes. It is what it is. I know, as I prepare to sleep, that my mind remembers a certain sense or feel or want.
.
From several days ago, but it returns. I had forgotten this... until I remembered it. - the management
Visions and thoughts. Fears and hopes. It is what it is. I know, as I prepare to sleep, that my mind remembers a certain sense or feel or want.
Quite a push, but I did it.
.
.
Just getting out of the house was the real prize. Though some groceries were nice. That wasn't a complete win, they only had one gallon of my brand of milk. Yeah, it's important. Generic milk spooks me a bit. I don't even fully trust my brand not to add stuff, just because they can. The FDA allows a certain amount of extra. I have no doubts that all producers use that as much as they can. The difference is in what is added. That is what happens when government bureaucracies meet industrial farming. Unless you buy raw, or milk yourself, one very expensive the other an extreme way to get raw fresh milk. All said and done, I split what differences I can, shoot for the best I can afford, and pray, just like every other darned fool. No offense. Actually, that is a compliment.
Anyway. I was busted up. Just because I went in didn't mean I got better. It was a brutal outing. Not too rough, painwise. Simply still a bit loopy. I seem to have driven normally, assuming they added a BUNCH of speed bumps in town. :p Nah. It was good to get out, to drive, to do a bit of shopping, to have a shower under my belt. Never did shave, but I did use the trimmer. I just couldn't do that one step extra in that area. Maybe tonight or tomorrow... tomorrow, if that, for sure. I probably cooked a week of juice off in that run. All good. I even hope it hurts. That kind of pain is good for me. Loosens me up.
The rest of the day? Dunno. Resting, gaming, blogging, and eventually sleep. I did buy some things that will make easy quick meals, and somethings to cook, grill anyway. If I get another batch of quinoa, this time not soaked, I'll have enough for the week, and twice on meal days. Probably. I'll keep at it. I am hoping to make another trip to town tomorrow. I need more milk than that. My brand is often out, the other brands never seem to sell out. It doesn't make sense. Government involvement, no doubt. Like or not, either you believe in redistribution or you do not. You either take the dime stolen from someone else and close your eyes about it all, or you refuse to play along. Too many who claim to be conservative have their hands in someone elses' pockets. Make up your mind. And, no, don't try to claim worldliness, or suggest you are above or beyond it. Or that it is just business. Make up your mind.
Later. Or maybe good night.
.
Just getting out of the house was the real prize. Though some groceries were nice. That wasn't a complete win, they only had one gallon of my brand of milk. Yeah, it's important. Generic milk spooks me a bit. I don't even fully trust my brand not to add stuff, just because they can. The FDA allows a certain amount of extra. I have no doubts that all producers use that as much as they can. The difference is in what is added. That is what happens when government bureaucracies meet industrial farming. Unless you buy raw, or milk yourself, one very expensive the other an extreme way to get raw fresh milk. All said and done, I split what differences I can, shoot for the best I can afford, and pray, just like every other darned fool. No offense. Actually, that is a compliment.
Anyway. I was busted up. Just because I went in didn't mean I got better. It was a brutal outing. Not too rough, painwise. Simply still a bit loopy. I seem to have driven normally, assuming they added a BUNCH of speed bumps in town. :p Nah. It was good to get out, to drive, to do a bit of shopping, to have a shower under my belt. Never did shave, but I did use the trimmer. I just couldn't do that one step extra in that area. Maybe tonight or tomorrow... tomorrow, if that, for sure. I probably cooked a week of juice off in that run. All good. I even hope it hurts. That kind of pain is good for me. Loosens me up.
The rest of the day? Dunno. Resting, gaming, blogging, and eventually sleep. I did buy some things that will make easy quick meals, and somethings to cook, grill anyway. If I get another batch of quinoa, this time not soaked, I'll have enough for the week, and twice on meal days. Probably. I'll keep at it. I am hoping to make another trip to town tomorrow. I need more milk than that. My brand is often out, the other brands never seem to sell out. It doesn't make sense. Government involvement, no doubt. Like or not, either you believe in redistribution or you do not. You either take the dime stolen from someone else and close your eyes about it all, or you refuse to play along. Too many who claim to be conservative have their hands in someone elses' pockets. Make up your mind. And, no, don't try to claim worldliness, or suggest you are above or beyond it. Or that it is just business. Make up your mind.
Later. Or maybe good night.
A bit better.
.
.
The rollercoaster ride of health lately has been horrible. At least I have hours, even days, where I am not in pain. I even feel good, really good, from time to time. That helps a lot. Much like with summer heat. With a cool spot in there from time to time it just isn't quite so bad. I did the dishes. I will take a bath, then a shower now. Perhaps shave. If I do all that in a timely fashion, I just might make it to town. Milk, cream, butter. There is more on my list, I'm simply not sure I will be able to focus, and actually put those things on my list, then buy them. If I get to town.
Truly brutal, at times. It's right in the middle at the moment. Actually, if you have ever had a fever, and been a bit dazed by it? Yeah... that describes my situation now. The dazed sensation helps keep the pain down. But it really isn't too terrible. You just hope you won't throw up, or go down hill. Just as with that fever daze, though more toward the end of a sickness, I am sure I can do whatever I start. Or, at worst, I may have to head home a little early, should I head out. Just one store, probably. But if I can hit several, I just might. If I can get out. But I repeat myself.
Hey, yeah... time to clean up. Later.
.
The rollercoaster ride of health lately has been horrible. At least I have hours, even days, where I am not in pain. I even feel good, really good, from time to time. That helps a lot. Much like with summer heat. With a cool spot in there from time to time it just isn't quite so bad. I did the dishes. I will take a bath, then a shower now. Perhaps shave. If I do all that in a timely fashion, I just might make it to town. Milk, cream, butter. There is more on my list, I'm simply not sure I will be able to focus, and actually put those things on my list, then buy them. If I get to town.
Truly brutal, at times. It's right in the middle at the moment. Actually, if you have ever had a fever, and been a bit dazed by it? Yeah... that describes my situation now. The dazed sensation helps keep the pain down. But it really isn't too terrible. You just hope you won't throw up, or go down hill. Just as with that fever daze, though more toward the end of a sickness, I am sure I can do whatever I start. Or, at worst, I may have to head home a little early, should I head out. Just one store, probably. But if I can hit several, I just might. If I can get out. But I repeat myself.
Hey, yeah... time to clean up. Later.
Back and forth.
.
.
It is a tough day today. I can't tell you why. I can only tell you that it is as rough as it has been in a couple weeks. I slept well enough, woke well, then went downhill so fast I didn't see it coming. It isn't so much off as just plain ill with an odd side of really tired. I'm hungry. I've been eating almonds. I tried something else, I think. Food tastes bad. Fluids taste bad. Both cause mild nausea. For whatever reason, juice tastes like fish. Huh? I dunno. Trust me, that just isn't right. There are some mild body aches. Just something to go with the rest, nothing fancy or too extreme there.
It's a very strange life. Medicine is on track. Food is off. Sleep is good. It must just be the dosing. I had enough chicken to last for a week, that just ran out. I didn't even like that. Fast food won't taste good. It's difficult to eat. Even when I have been eating, it hasn't been helping. Very rough. I might try to push a bit through. No guarantees though. Rough. Getting brutal. Might try a nap, then a bath and all later. I can't believe how well I can do then how fast that can change. Later.
.
It is a tough day today. I can't tell you why. I can only tell you that it is as rough as it has been in a couple weeks. I slept well enough, woke well, then went downhill so fast I didn't see it coming. It isn't so much off as just plain ill with an odd side of really tired. I'm hungry. I've been eating almonds. I tried something else, I think. Food tastes bad. Fluids taste bad. Both cause mild nausea. For whatever reason, juice tastes like fish. Huh? I dunno. Trust me, that just isn't right. There are some mild body aches. Just something to go with the rest, nothing fancy or too extreme there.
It's a very strange life. Medicine is on track. Food is off. Sleep is good. It must just be the dosing. I had enough chicken to last for a week, that just ran out. I didn't even like that. Fast food won't taste good. It's difficult to eat. Even when I have been eating, it hasn't been helping. Very rough. I might try to push a bit through. No guarantees though. Rough. Getting brutal. Might try a nap, then a bath and all later. I can't believe how well I can do then how fast that can change. Later.
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