Bits and pieces, again.

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I have arranged for a landline, to be installed Tuesday.  I am hoping to check several outlets while the installer is here, to make sure they work.  If not perhaps I can get some work on that scheduled.  Three or four phones is more convenient.  It is more expensive than it used to be.  But it's never been cheap.  Way back in the late 80's or early 90's, the last time I had a landline, it was $30~$35 and somewhat limited.  I don't think I had unlimited long distance as I am getting with this.  I have serious doubts about what might be local, where I live.  And I hate not having a solid idea about the bill.  When it's in, I'll get it set up for automatic payments as well.

I tried to find my schedule card for a haircut.  I'm trying to keep it neat, at least.  I must have lost the card.  So I called in.  Apparently I am not listed for this or next week.  I'll have to ask the barber about it.  Yeah, she is licensed as both a barber and beautician.  Anyway... I know I had been set up for sometime this week.  I'll see if she doesn't want my business.  Nothing personal, on my part.  But... maybe she just doesn't like me.  In any case, I have an appointment set up for as soon as possible.

The bed is stripped.  The first load of bedding is going.  I'll wait until it is finished, then perhaps do another load of bedding, mostly blankets.  When that load is done, I'll get a shower in.  Shopping and picking up the steaks on the way home after that.  I couldn't find fresh baking powder/soda, so the bed will just have to air out simply.  Hmm... could turn the fan on.  It's not that it smells horrible, it's more that I don't want it to begin doing so.  I'll flip and turn it when I get back from shopping.

What else?  Ah.  A little break from laundry, this, and that, then I'll get the trash collected and out before I take a shower.  I've let some things go, and can tell it.  When things are removed, and if and when it is warm enough, I'll open up the cave and let the spring air clear some of that out.  Yeah... work, work, work.  But I seem to be doing okay.  Hmm?  Oh, I'd love one of those steaks tonight.  I have other meat thawed though.  I will put a steak, maybe two, out for later in the week.  Oh yeah.

On to... the rest of it.  Ah, this will go out later in the day.  It is nearly noon.  Just... a thing.  Later.
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Done, and more.  To town grocery shopping.  Everything is put up.  All of the laundry is finished drying.  I need to flip, and flop, the mattress, putt on the bedding, and sleep when I can.  A wonderful lot of work.  I didn't get the dishes going.  Tomorrow.  I hope to finish the rinse loads, then put the pots and pans that had become a bit too ripe to soak.  Perhaps wash them at least once, as well, while hopefully airing the house out.

I am tired, but... good.  Not sore, not stretched, just... a reasonable weariness for a fair amount of effort.  Strange, after being down for so long, how I can just get up, sometimes.  Good night.

Up well.

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I won't need heat, unless a really cold spell arrives.  Again, this morning, it's 68 in the main of the house.  That is definitely warm enough for me.  I had hoped to stay asleep until 4:00 but only made it to nearly 3:00.  Brushed my teeth first thing, will get a shower in before long then set the dishes for a rinse, perhaps finishing some out.  I would like to get beans on the soak.  A batch of ham and beans would be one main food for the week.  I ordered a large placket of ribeyes yesterday and will do other shopping when I go out to pick those up.

Yeah, probably.  I did call a couple of phone companies listed as local.  One was closed.  Weird that a bigger company would ever be closed.  The other one simply doesn't offer service in my exact location.  I have one phone on hand, and have ordered another.  Both to have phones in several locations, hopefully, and to try to make sure at least one of them will work.  All are corded.  I'm tired of eavesdropping.  Oh, it might still occur.  But it will be as illegal as hell.

With the dishes, shopping, and other things on the move, I am going to hit laundry as well.  Actually I mean to strip the bed, after this, take all bedding into the laundry room, and start with the sheets from this and last time, then blankets.  When I strip the bed, I'll dust the mattress with baking soda/powder... you know which... I'll then 'dust off' the powder/soda and turn and flip the mattress later today.

All this will make me sore.  I've been... down for a long time.  Soreness is good.  Doing that, and finishing dishes today, and taking out the trash while setting up another load of dishes and cleaning the kitchen?  Yeah, maybe. Some, most, all, maybe more.  We'll see.  Chop, chop, Hopsing!  Burning daylight.

Good morning and day.  Chop, chop!

Warm.

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Almost too warm.  The report suggests it hit 71 today.  I'm not quite ready for that.  I called my mother though.  She says it was 8 below this morning.  Yeah, at this point in the game, if I have to choose, I might just go with the heat wave.  Oh, and they got eight inches of snow as well.  Yeah.  I... think I'll go with the heat.  Not only that, but the sun is becoming potent and is out for longer... two different things, both are more like multipliers than additives.  With a stone house, that means the place doesn't cool down so much.  The furnace, at night, is set at 66 F.  It is only cooling to 68... fine in that the furnace doesn't ever run.  But I need the fan, until I get used to it.  Yeah, I'm... a creature of fire.

I hit the dishes.  I am hoping to get a shower.  Then I'll have to set the dishes to a final rinse.  I am hoping to do beans and ham.  I also have some other meats thawing.  I have created a list of groceries, for whenever I get in.  I am behind, and still not moving fast.  The shower might help.  The heat might push me along, if it doesn't burn me out.  Yeah, I'll keep trying.

Business to do.  Lots of it.  Far behind.  I've been fried though.  I am hoping a shower today and tomorrow, and all else, might get me going.  So much business to do or check!  I should make a list just for that.  Medicine is going, and may still be part of the problem.  You have no idea and you probably don't want a sample of my life.  You will get it.  I just pray it isn't decades of this level of complication and pain.  Then again, when you get used to it, it's doable.  Just take it a bit slower.  If you can learn to hide the pain.  Good day.

One little choice can make a large difference.

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Quitting gab, if that isn't all.  I've backed out of a whole political and social system that went with it.  Too much faggotry, too many questionable notions, too much too much.  At this point, if it isn't Christian, and rather solidly, traditional, then it isn't for me.  That includes not going to most churches, including many Catholic churches.  It certainly excludes many secular or general Christian groups, orgs, and associations.  You can't be pro-gay, hateful to those of us who disagree, AND Christian.  You have just failed, miserably.  You also can't be totally pro-government, anti-nationalist, pro-open borders, AND Christian.  It doesn't work that way.

I don't have to win, here on earth.  As a fact, the best I can possibly do is draw even until I draw my last breath, and that will happen if I die of truly natural causes.  If my life is shortened, or simply ended against my will, all that is right and true, and God's true notions, then I will have lost... in an earthly way.  To be honest, I'm... thinking I probably already lost.  But, that isn't even important, save to those who believe only in this earth.  Winning on earth isn't my goal.  That will surely see one, almost certainly, to losing beyond.  That I don't want to do.

I see that I obviously don't fit in the world.  And the part that was breaking away so as, in theory, to make a place for my kind... has failed.  As I thought, my kind have to make our own place.  We have to create, protect, and manage our little bit of the world as best we are able.  Some things need to be government, such as the protection of the nation.  Though how can a nation be protecting me by allowing foreigners in without even checking for legal issues, illness, or anything else?  My government, or parts of it, are at war with me and mine.  I don't know if there is an organization out there to join, even loosely.  But Gab, and the alt-right sum total, is becoming just as questionable as big and little 'l' libertarianism, the republican party, the tea party, and the rest.

Alt-right seems to be trying to be bigger tent than the republican party, more stylish and queer than libertarianism, and more popular than the tea party.  There is alt-white, which is just a refresh of the democrat party.  It won't work.  There are the Jew haters, which is the wrong target... it's isn't Jewish elites, it's most elites, who want socialism so long as cronyism is primary.  Jewish, Catholic, Mormon, all of the elites are on the wrong side.  Globalism and socialism work to their greedy and sometimes dark ends, not ours, and very specifically and directly not America and Americans' benefits.  Globalism would destroy all we have believed America to be.  Yeah... there isn't a race or religion that bears the mark as singular scapegoat.  Or exact government.  It is the merging and allowances of big government and big business, from elite to bureaucrat to lying cheating elected official.

Hmm? I don't know.

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I remember when I was young.  I didn't know what I didn't know.  No one took me seriously.  Why should they.  I couldn't even call them out.  Though I suspect I made the effort.  Used to bite, too.  Ankle-biter indeed.

Food.

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I have to figure out food again.  I have gotten behind on everything.  I'll have to dig through the house, first.  Cleaning, clearing, getting the kitchen in order, work, work, work.  I need to get this all figured out.  Food will just have to work itself out, for a bit.  After that?  Plans.

Food prep doesn't haven't to be just a medium and long term thing.  Short term can go in on it, to some degree. Weekly menu planning?  Well, some of it.  If I can have enough cooked and ready for a week, or two, even just a meal or two a day, that would be good.  Some of it... I don't think it can all be planned, and prepped on one day, but that is... sort of the new goal.

Perhaps making spaghetti meat sauce, use zucchini in or a few other things for base, make a ham and bean soup, and perhaps one other thing... pack them in portioned containers, and just eat as needed?  There are several problems.  But it isn't impossible.  Container clear, clean, and return?  Would probably need two groups of containers, enough for two 2-week plans.  At least.  Enough for 3 weeks might be wiser.

Next, creating menus.  Perhaps a main meal per day, better snacks, and a few variable items for mixing and matching.  I have seen people set up a week of just one meal.  I... just couldn't do that.  All of this is questionable.  Lots of doubts, worries, concerns.  Just... but... maybe.  It would be, to my mind, a good way to go.  I would like to see about it.  I am not sure I can keep up, and follow through.  If I could, it would be a huge boon.  I've got to do something.

I am doing well enough, financially.  Next month I will easily be well back in the saddle.  I mean surprisingly well back in the black.  I may begin planning to get some help here, cleaning and all.  Or checking on the dumpster.  Maybe both.  At least as soon as I can get going a bit more strongly.  No reason to have a dumpster I can't fill.  Ugh...  I am getting better, but... slowly... and not more energetic.  I'm... I'll... keep at it.  Later.

Did it early.

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I quit gab.  I just saw no reason to stay.  The news was just as questionable as elsewhere, and purely political.  Mostly it favored one political direction, but in the paradigm that there is only left and right, communist and socialist, and nothing else.  Of no real use to any but the media and academic who live in their false little worlds... and those who want to be a part of that.

People would drop me for... something, anything, nothing... or join.  Many aren't who they said, supporting Jews but not, or being Christian but having very odd takes if so.  No one was really your friend.  They wanted likes, having their posts resposted, and upvotes.  Rarely returned.  And they would hunt in packs, some vast groups in there.  Hens, in large and smaller groups.  Only men, such as myself, didn't really get involved, mostly.

One less pain in the butt to think about.  Thankfully it wasn't too terribly emotional, one way or the other.  I was simply trying to figure the thing out.  I won't say I did.  I will say I probably have a better idea than most.  You can get the likes and links if you sell yourself, but just so much.  The crowd is fickle and will turn on you in a heartbeat.  Too much or too little access, alone, can cause problems.  I got to 6k followers, and at most followed ~22k accounts.  I was just curious.

It... just wasn't worth the time.  Well, and my account had stopped growing.  Along with all else, I suppose I simply thought that I had seen and done about all I could.  I wasn't willing to try selling or buying any more than what I did.  Perhaps I will blog more.  Or I will end even this.  I'm not seeing a point to it all.  No one comments here.  Hmm...  Maybe just make it private?

Funny thing?  For as hated as I am?  The junkies might just shoot me for going offline.  Yeah, right?  Though I think some who use such have wrung my blog dry.  Especially with nothing coming up fresh.  I'll think on it.  I'm still betting that a lot of people didn't think I would quit, even at the 100 day mark.  I don't have their addiction.  Later.

I see more clearly over time.

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Any problem eventually solves itself, if you put in some thought.  For example, the problem with much of politics today is that the left is dressing itself up, again, as the right.  The push on gab, for example, for Wilders, is a foul play.  Wilders might be against muslim warmigration, but he is left in all other ways.  I think he is even gay.  That was out once, then they tried to hide it, and have since.  As I have suggested, that isn't the way forward for the West.  If that is what the hope of the West must rely on, many would rather see it burn down and allowed to regrow.

Oh, I realize there are many on that side.  I also know that those who are against it will simply stop supporting any politicians.  Yes, I have dropped politics.  I might have, in some ways, in my writings, occasionally in conversations, and strongly, supported Trump.  But that was it.  I do not have much involvement with politics these days.  Faith, prayer, God, that is about it.  Politics has become, for the most part, a ruin... having nothing to do with the hope of my or any people.  When everyone has the vote, nobody does.  And it is much easier to fix.  Hell, North Korea holds elections.  It's illegal NOT to vote.  Probably China too.  You... should get it just from that, but you won't.

I had hoped gab would be a source of news.  And, sometimes, it can be.  But the news is from the left/gay portion of the so-called "right".  Not of much interest.  As well, much fake news.  A lot of "reporters" trying to make a name for themselves by writing long, boring, meandering, articles that don't even end in a good point.  Though, from what I have seen of the media these days, that's... about par for the course.

I suggested I might stick around until after his first 100 days.  I am rethinking that.  Besides, social media seems to be a propaganda production contest more than anything else.  I'm just not interested in going that way.  Might as well hook up to a morphine drip and slide that way, I suppose.  It just isn't my thing.  I'll decide, or... time will slip to the 100 days.  You don't have to make up your mind, always.  Some things will just happen.

Later.

Odd things.

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A name.  Some thoughts shared.  Shouldn't.  Much like this blog but elsewhere.  It's why I don't invite them in.  Besides, I know gab is goofing with the numbers I am seeing.  Why they would do it I don't know.  My "viewers" are pegged at 6404.  The problem is, when people ask to follow and then I accept?  The number doesn't change.  I am wondering how many I really have.  It probably wouldn't be higher.  I suspect it is far smaller, say... a few thousands, hundreds, less?  I just don't know.  I am not exactly sure why they would hide it, either.  Perhaps, even as unpopular as I might be, I am a driver.  Just a business thing.

Well, nothing that can be a dog and pony show should be believed I suppose.  I guess I always just hope that things are honest.  I promise, they aren't fudging for my feelings.  I guess I would just like to know why.  It doesn't bother my feelings, and really won't be a party to when I quit.  I am there to look over data.  I know I am not accepted in the world, mostly... or at all.  Rightly or not.  Nor believed, really.  Even those who know the facts, real health facts and knowledge of my deaths, and... such things... they don't believe.  Or work almost as hard at disbelieving as I used to work.  Even my mother... hides from things she knows, from as a child to yesterday.  It's just the way it is.  Much as, if most folk saw a ghost they would convince themselves that they hadn't until they wouldn't even remember the event.  I... am that event.

I guess I can't blame.  Took me a very long time to just accept that some things, and some people, are different.  Or, perhaps, confused.  There is that possibility.  Insanity is there.  Or just, maybe, the heart problem brings too much confusion in.  Just, for my part, I had to submit to what I experience, saw, see, and deal with it.  Ever form of test I have been able to perform comes clean, or clear enough.  It's all I can do.

Never mind.  A few more months and I will move on.  Not sure about the blog.  Nothing is sure.  Not here, now, in the past, or even in the future.  Nothing is sure for those who draw breath.  I do believe that after the final breath there will be surety.  Though, I suspect, even then, only in time... if oddly in a place of timelessness.  Until... that too falls away and a time and place is reborn.  I am sure about the first part, the latter is taken on faith.

I am going to try to do some work.  I just haven't been... energetic.  I am doing better, and better on top of it.  But work has been... out of reach.  I am hoping, before bed, I can do the dishes, see to a load of laundry in the dryer, and take a shower.  Oh, love showers.  Maybe a bath tomorrow.  Good day, and night for my part.

If seven year olds directed?

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Actually, it might be an improvement.  Just... saying.

Back on medicine.

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It seemed one day off from carvedilol and then back on it helped me turn a minor corner.  Now I feel better.  I am not doing more.  If I feel better, the chances of getting back to work increase.  Sometimes I can do that right through misery, usually not.  Again, tonight, I will make an effort.  I did do some things yesterday, but very mild, couldn't stay at it for long, hoping for more.

Sleeping was a little off.  I think that might be because the world is warming.  I used to fan, which helped me rest, but it... just feels a bit warm, even so.  I told you, I am, in some ways, more closely related to a bear than to a man.  Though if I can get ahead of the warming curve, and work things out, I'll do just fine.  I have been doing better with the heat these last few years... mostly.

I've been getting into it a bit on gab.  Something about people thinking they should be able to be out, gay, and we should all be happy about it.  No.  Just... no.  They were, against my wishes, given don't ask, don't tell.  It wasn't enough.  Now not only will they not get that, I suspect they are going to have to go back in the closet.  We are sick and tired of having their weirdness handed out as if it was normal.  More so as we are finding out that pedophilia is a cause of much of it, and a further want from their community.  No more forward movement in that area.  Back, back and far back.  They would be lucky if they get the tolerance from the 1950's.  I think I've lost the followers who go that way, or the ones I will lose.  Not just gays, but those who believe such should be open and welcome in society.

There are other topics, as well.  Why can't people be openly anti-American?  Ask any nation that.  It is illegal to burn the flag in France (and many other nations).  It is illegal to form and run a group aimed to undermining the nation as it exists, in this very nation.  It just isn't acted upon, yet.  It isn't, per se, the government that people need to hold an allegiance, but to the nation, which is the people.  The problem is too many foreigners are being brought in so that who the people are is changing, and in a negative way.  Not everyone in America, citizen or no, is an actual American.  Besides some rights having to have very specific limits, some people shouldn't have the rights of a US citizen at all.  We are going to fix this, one way or the other, in very short order.  Right now it's looking a bit better for the survival of the US.  But it's a tight race.  So... those who display anti-Americanism will just have to be dealt with as such.

Fair?  Is it fair that I was born here, and not in Zimbabwe?  Is it fair that the water I drink is, mostly, survivable to drink?  Nothing is fair.  But nothing can be fixed along those lines.  Would it be fair for those who have to lose what they have so that no one has anything better?  And it isn't as if the haves, by nations, haven't tried to help the have-nots.  But you can't get a 70 IQ people to even learn not to shit in their water, let alone keep a well working.  At some point you simply have to understand that... fair isn't... quite the variable it seems.  Fairness cannot be meted out, it was set at birth.  If all men are created equal, than all two legs are not men.  But... we knew that, madame.  Right?  Right.

Oh... well...  On to... something.  Good morning, or night to you.

Better if still slow.

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I have been taking medicine well.  I took an half day off yesterday, not taking yesterday night pills.  Once in a while that's actually a good thing.  Best not to make it a habit is all.  I think I slept better for it.  But, back on track today and on.  That stuff is brutal, more when starting it up.  A break once in a while is good, allows me to catch my breath in some sense.  Like carrying a heavy load, and letting it off, almost literally.

I am hoping to do some work today.  I haven't yet this weekend.  But this little lapse in medicine and the ease it brought, might buy me a starting point.  Dishes, trash, and maybe some laundry.  Oh... definitely would like to clear and clean the linens, turn the mattress while letting it air out, then have it all ready to put back together for bedtime "tonight".  Yeah, maybe.

If I do get my cave up to speed, seriously, I'll keep it that way.  If I do that for a month, I'll send a ticket to my mother.  A lot of if's, but that's... just the way it goes.  We don't get along, for many reasons.  If I think I want to keep at it. Then again, that's life.  We have improved a great deal.  There was a time when I wouldn't speak to the woman.  Yeah, it has improved.  Not sure it'll ever be much better, but... this might be enough.

On to... something or other.  Waking first.  Good night, and day.

Sore, over sleeping, tired, but better.

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I think things are improving.  The extra sleep is my body figuring out medicine.  Today, when I woke, for the first time in a while, I feel really awake.  Not energetic but not with a permanent sense of dull sleepiness that haunts steps and thought.  I am hoping to do some work again.  It probably won't be a great deal of work, just enough to call it a start.  It is the weekend so the idea is to not even attempt too much work, as a general rule.

I am considering what to do with blogging and gab.  It may be time to begin thinking about it all.  After the first 90 days of Trump, what else he will or can do may be sliding.  After that, I think he will pretty much be out of steam.  They have been trying to shut him down since before he took office.  I don't know if he can get much else through after that.  Then again, who knows, maybe he already got what he really wanted and they are at loggerheads just for show.  Politics, business, family affairs, often kabuki theater is how things run.

The wall, pretty much, is all I expected.  Anything else was bonus, gravy.  Much of the else, while interesting, can be undone with a pen by the next president, and congress isn't interested in changing anything.  They seem to profit, what should be illegally, from fast major changes in the government.  They aren't going to cut off their access to insider trading.  Which means they want corrupt, overbearing, governance.  I don't think Trump can change that.

I'm not finding better news... anywhere.  Partisan is partisan.  As to the quality of news beyond that, it's not better or worse.  Siding with my notions using bias that is just as wrong is only interesting until I realize it is just as wrong.  The news simply isn't for information, but cheerleading.  I'm not interested, since neither team seems to be for America, Americans, the middle class, propriety, or such.  Yeah, a few more months and I may simply cut these cords too.

If I continue to blog, I may do it privately.  Perhaps going to a hand written form.  No one comments.  Cool, just... no reason to share, really.  I am surprised my blog hasn't been shut down anyway.  Access to music is pretty complicated and coming to an end.  Paying for access without advertisements is not worth it, since they can and do simply yank things, and seem to further be censoring ideas.  They've done it to themselves.  Their income model might be fine if they weren't censoring, or removing content that had been available for many years at some whim, or a new owner's demand.  Little need for the internet without blogging and music video access.

Well... on to... something.  Good evening.

Tired?

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I doubt if you have ever hit the depths of that.  Imagine being so tired that listening to music hurts.  Mild, rock, metal, alt, religious, doesn't matter.  Hurts.  I'm not even sure how it can hurt.  Some sort of overload.  I can listen today, mostly.  Short episodes, one song at a time really, milder tunes, lower volume.  Yeah.  I could still rip a bear in half, that's never a problem.  Actually, when I am that backed into a corner I am probably even more terrible.

Medicine.  What it does, what happens when it is missed, as it is being started again.  My life is a brutal thing sometimes.  Thankfully I generally don't take it out on anyone.  Then again, it's not like I could get to it.  Someone would have to start it.  Yeah, I could probably finish it, wouldn't even notice until I got better.

I'm nearing doing better.  But it might be touch and go for a few days to weeks.  And then I'll be upping the dose, so...  Still, I will be trying to get to more as I can.  I might or might not have the ability.  I love the testing.  I love trying the nearly impossible.  Even if I fail, the effort... it's wonderful.

Oh, you know... I have been hungry for oyster for a very long time, and good sea food, fish of some sort.  I may order just that, before long.  Though I want to make sure I can get to the store and have the extras I'll want.  Lemon, perhaps what I need to make various sauces, to see what I like with it.  I do have a shucking knife, but I'd like to have a second on, of a different sort, on hand.

They are sold by the 5 dozen, or more, in groups or additions of 5's.  I am absolutely certain I could eat 5 dozen, probably 10 dozen.  The latter would be a lot of shucking though?  Don't know.  I've eaten them by the multiple tray before but I have never prepared them.  Not this month, I want to store up.  Maybe next month.  I'd offer them out, but I'm not sure how much that really is.  While the shell might be 3" to 4" inches, the meats are small.  And I don't know anyone who likes them.  Next month?  Maybe.  I can order them so that they will arrive.  Though I may hold off, maybe for several months.  It's a fairly pricey meal.  Might look around for other price offerings.  Though if you mess with prices too much, you can end up getting bargained to death.  Seafood is crazy wicked when it goes bad, especially if that is somehow hidden.

Later.

Yes, medicine.

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I'm still going to be taking it slow for a while.  Hitting that heart juice straight up is tough.  I'm feeling a bit more awake, not any more active though.  Gabbing, watching the episodes... it's something.  Passing time.  My day is slipping further into the night.  At 7:15 or so, I will be taking my medicine and watching the last of an episode as I turn my thoughts to bed.

Good night and day.

So very tired.

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It does seem colder.  Some of it, most of it really, is probably medication.  Skipping it, missing it, when just starting, can really cause energy problems.  Then again, it's tough to start this stuff.  It slows the heart down, keeps it from beating so fast.  Which... has a use.  But has a heavy cost.  Amazing stuff, terribly potent, even for one of my kind.  Actually, when even at my level, missing a few days can, often does, kill.  Yeah, THAT nasty.

Why it doesn't kill this or that one?  Or even some of us seemingly at all?  Anyway, I am sure hoping that getting back on it will get me back, and that I can keep on it.  Sometimes I can do well off it, in the last half a decade.  But on it, if I can balance, I can really do much better.  Never will I be full speed again.  I can be, perhaps, quarter to half speed though.

I want to crash, and may.  More of a nap than a sleep, probably.  Taking "night" medicines when I wake.  Then, if I can, doing dishes and some laundry.  So tired.  Hmm... a bit more viewing, then on to a nap most likely.  Good day... night, for your part.

Oh, ouch, right. Right?

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I fell of medication.  And... I don't know.  Was that the whole problem?  Cold arrived, or returned, I think.  Or was that simply a sensation from falling off medication?  Nothing has been right, or even wrong.  Everything just went away for a bit.  I have been sleeping, and then awake, watching those series, gabbing, blogging(?).  Numb, though.  I remember little.  No pain, just... nothing, mostly.

Empty spaces be-

tween drops known as time.

I can know nothing.

I am not back, not fully.  I am merely aware of where I am, or when?  Or... a bit of what I am?  Something.  As well, I have decided to pick a direction, or destination, and make my way as I am able.  It might sound silly.  If so, you have simply never been to the void, to forever, to never, to tomorrow and yesterday at the same time.  In time I do believe you will learn of that which I speak.  Perhaps not until you, in repose, near death.  Women know this place more often, before that time, but not all women.  For them it is fear, fragility, uncertainty, and/or their part in the reproductive.  That part for them is of a pain near to death and is a place alone.  Other women may understand, literally bear sympathy, but each woman has to know it alone, in her time.  The men who see these places have know death or war or better both.  Why I know it I can't say, only that I know it better than most, far more deeply.  It is almost home.  God says I have things to do yet, and I have agreed to be his beggar servant.  And, so, I only visit home from time to time.

Medicine was restarted tonight.  I hope to use the weekend to get sorted back into place.  I reset medicines for the next month, while at it.  I will reset the first medicine dispenser as soon as it runs dry, and set it up for a full dose of carvedilol.  Yes, just being on that leads me to home.  If I can stay on it, for long enough, and don't let them talk me into taking more, I can return to this place, land my feet on the ground, and get back to things in shorter order.  Those medicines are messy.  I'll do what I can though.

Dishes, I hope, tonight.  Maybe a bit of laundry.  A shower.  If I can do this, the rest of the weekend will be finishing laundry.  If so, and if medicine doesn't blot me out as the lack of it has, perhaps I can begin in the kitchen, bathroom, and main bedroom this coming week.  Ugh...  UgH...  UGH!?!  I'll... keep at it.  Good evening.

Not as planned.

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I went shopping, yesterday, instead of cleaning.  All good.  I was out of a number of things.  More, I simply wanted a few things.  Milk is no longer a daily, but when I haven't had it in a while I get a serious thirst for it.  Cream is good, as well, and sorely missed.  A bit in cream, mixed with milk in oatmeal or other hot grain cereal, or for oyster stew or even tomato soup.  Little things.  Though some things of necessity, toilet paper, paper towels, cat food, were also on the list.  Getting out and just the act of shopping, too.

While at it, I ordered a meal from Wendy's.  That is nearly the last fast food joint I will visit.  The only thing, at the moment, I don't like, is their pickles.  But I ask for those not to be added and that is that.  I have learned, finally, to allow the cheese.  I was an odd kid, hated that kind of cheese as a kid.  It didn't, and still doesn't, taste... right.  Still, from time to time, I allow for it.  I suppose it matches the meat these days, at burger joints?  Anyway, just... something free, easy, and hot.

I have restarted Penny Dreadful from the start.  It is making a difference.  I think, when I jumped in, I didn't have background and that was necessary.  It is still more directed at the female mind, and so a bit dull for me.  Still, it's... a bit better and I will continue.  I also started watching Dexter.  That is... more along my lines.  While I am not, to my mind, such a sort as Dexter on a basic level, on a "professional" level, or survival level... within some constraints... we do have some... commonality.  For some, in certain conditions, I have absolutely no care.  Which, as I have pointed out, can make me a friend you'd rather not have.  But an absolute friend in deed.  The price of that friendship might be living with what has been done to allow for you to keep breathing.  I used to think it, or that potential, whole evil.  Then... I learned.  God does, sometimes, call for the destruction of cities, even whole peoples.  Men, or some men, are not capable.  Angles are not always able, either, due to... my kind.  So?  So he calls on those of my kind who can and will, in His name.  Sin eaters... or slayers along my lines.  Not sure I believe sin eaters as anything more than a doubled corruption, a false path that only leads two, and more, to hell.  A sin slayer, yes.  Though, unlike Dexter, I... must suffer those things or find no path, chance, to heaven.  Still, I do have some understanding of this character.  And, actually, they are portraying him well, so far, as I see.  I have known a few.  Oddly, they have feared me, in spite of mostly being fearless beings.  They know me like I know them, and they do fear me.  A terrible thing, especially for one who must know guilt.  Guilt is a great gift, honor, for one of my kind.  Only God could grant that, if I did have to accept it.  A price for a great potential gift.

Oh, right.  Just... saying.  I'll try to hit some of the projects today.  Dishes, maybe the bedding... Ugh.  It's a rough day.  Good day.

Wonderful.

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Headache.  Wouch.  Did I push it a bit yesterday?  Did I sleep wrong?  It is, actually, an unusual sort of headache.  Something is pinched on the left lower side of my neck.  All at one point.  Which causes muscles to bunch from there out, mostly up and down but a bit side to side.  Exquisite, really.  The headache isn't too bad.  And it is purely mechanical.  I may take some painkillers and then go back in, lie down, sleep if I can, and that should fix it.  Usually does anyway.

Quite a bit of work yesterday, given all.  I have no such plans for as much today.  The dishes once more, rinsed, and up.  And any remaining dishes collected by not started.  The bedding washed, dried, and put up.  When I am awake fully for the day I will strip the bed and turn the mattress, standing it perhaps to let it air dry.  Hmm... could powder it with baking soda/powder (one of them) as well, then vacuum that off when I go to make the bed.  Perhaps a bit more laundry.  That will be that, mostly.

Tomorrow?  Cleaning the bathroom and kitchen, or starting in on it.  As well, perhaps, beginning in on the main bedroom again should I have more energy for work.  The rest of the week will be devoted to various such projects.  The rest of the month will be to those projects, along with sorting things to toss.  Next month I hope to rent a dumpster and begin getting rid of things, many things.  If I can afford it.  I have no idea what sort of cost is involved.  It may be prohibitive.  In any case, I want much ready to go, and be in a shape to rip through all that remains.  I only want it for the minimum amount of time.  Two or three loads should easily do it, perhaps less.

Oh, looks like I did finally get the trash and recycling right.  Then again, sometimes everyone else just looks out, and if some fool (me in this case) got it wrong, well?  I definitely take my turn in that.  Though they didn't pick up last week, so... maybe?  :P  If not, sorry, neighbors!  I do my best but generally, on some things, know not.  :)

I'll work on Gab a bit, while I let the painpills begin, then I'll crash for another hour.  I was awake rather late, sleeping only seven to eight hours actually.  Yes, my 'days' are getting longer is the deal.  Spring.  Love it or hate it...  At least my sleep is more regulated these last years, mostly.  When they are both out of sync is when it gets messy.  Good day.

Not bad.

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I made the list but I didn't think I'd get to it, not all of it.  I did those things and more.  I am rather bushed.  Need to chill before going to bed.  More Penny Dreadful... which somehow I started on the 3rd season.  Back to the beginning.  And, if that is too dull as with the rest of it, I'll take breaks and work on re-following those who follow me.  I'm nearing 3k, which is less than half.  My button pressing mojo is about burned out.  Still, as I can.

Tomorrow?  Dishes, another shower, laundry, new sheets on the bed and all the old bedding washed as well.  Ugh.  I'd like to do shopping, not sure I'll have what it takes.  Though bringing the trash and recycling bins in would be good.  No one else has theirs out, but maybe it was because it was snowing earlier and there was some concern they might be struck by a plow.  Snowing has stopped and the plow has been through, so... should be good.  Though maybe pickup day has changed?  I'll check when I wake tomorrow.

Good night.