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I have my own doubts.  Human?  Probably.  But... there isn't a test which would prove one thing, or else.

Kept popping.  You have questions.  

Some days...

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I have to ask myself, sometimes, why I am still alive.  Sometimes due to pain, sometimes from a fogginess which makes living so very complicated, and other reasons.  Today it is because I have been unable to function.

I have been feeding and tending Sassy.  I made myself a meal, and coffee a few times.  But, beyond that, it just isn't happening.  Even gaming is... difficult.  Focus?  No, that isn't too bad.  It's... a will, or want, that is missing.  Something inside me just isn't there.

Food.

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Hungry already.  But I won't be eating for a bit.  I still need to wake, or wake more fully.  Coffee will help.  I just finally got to that, and am sipping my first dose of the day.  As well, I'd like to begin a few things, starting with a shower, shortly.

At a quarter to nine, it is at 68 outside.  Up ten degrees since the waking at 5:30.  Slow, but sure, the day is warming.  I'm sure we'll hit into the 80s today.  Unless a storm comes in.  Didn't look like that was going to happen, but... you just never know.

Awake?

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Mostly, I guess.  Dreamed of inheriting a small keep.  In really good shape, modernized.  Nice.  Sold it.  The taxes alone were beyond my means.  But did spend a bit of time in it, while selling it.  What a dream.

It seems just a bit warm this morning.  Outside is 58, so it's not all that warm.  But... that is a warmer morning, compared to lately.  The house is 70/70, downstairs, open with ac off.  Upstairs it was 66/70, with ac on.  Strange.  It feels like someone was in here.

A rather good day.

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A bit warm.  Just having a little struggle with that.  I have had far worse.  Recently.  Not a whine, just a note.  Sometimes this is an issue.  Though, too, I roasted chicken.  When heating it up, for a second round of the stuff, I forgot to turn the oven off.  Ugh.

Oh, but that chicken was a delight.  From breast to thigh to even the wings, it was excellent.  Nothing was dry, or overdone.  Nothing was a bit raw.  Much of the skin was nicely crisped, without becoming papery.  The spicing and herbs were perfect background to the main of the chicken.  Quite happy.  There is more left.  I'll strip what is left from the bone, put it in a baggy, in the fridge.  Might just put it on salad tomorrow.

I keep hoping to get out.  Back to the store.  Coffee.  The freeze dried will work, but that is more for... when... I can't get to the store.  Which... I can't.  I want to go to the bank, too.  To close the savings account, since I can't access it easily.  I have to call someone at the bank.  Not... preferred.  I have a different account going, at another bank.  So be it.

I have been meaning to get to that particular grocery store, which carries the coffee I prefer without all the faggotry of the official coffee store.  And to get to the bank.  Both for days.  No... weeks.  When I go in, for what I have had to go in to do, I haven't been able to get to the other things, or forgot.  Or... was crashing on the way home.  A mix of things.

Nice.

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That was some of the best chicken I have had in a very long time.  While I did add a lot of herbs, it wasn't a lot of any single herb?  Something.  The flavor background was perfect.  The scent was... perfect, while cooking.  Having it enclosed, initially, made it so the herbs became a part of the sauce, and the sauce infused the bird.

Done just right.  Fully done without being dry, or tacky or, grainy?  Something.  Even the breast was gently moist.  The skin was, while not absolutely crispy, was partly so.  Save where the last of it was cooking down in the juices.  But even that, since it had been flipped, had some structure to it.

After I shut the oven off, carved the bird a bit, readied my meal then consumed... by the time I was finished, everything was cool.  So I closed up the house.  It is 86 out there, now.  It will get warmer.  Though how much is anyone's guess.  It could go a few degrees, or even up to twenty higher.  It's still high summer.  Just because it has been cooler doesn't mean it will be.

Chicken.

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It takes a while.  I decided to brine the chicken.  Good thing, too.  There was ice inside the cavity.  While the rest of the bird was thawed, the ice would have make the cooking messy.  Anyway, I got that done.  Then dried it.  But, that wasn't enough.  I let it dry longer, then dried it again, inside and out.  Wrapping it in paper towels, I gave it a bit more time to dry more fully.

Finally, it was ready.  I set the oven to heat in time to be ready for when the chicken was ready.  I used a roasting pan, lined with foil, as the base.  Then herbed and spiced the chicken.  Salting inside and out, adding herbs on the outside.  Lots and various herbs.  Rosemary, thyme, white pepper, garlic and onion powders, and others...  Everything that goes well with chicken.  I just... wanted a really flavorful bird.  We'll see.

Then I wrapped the chicken, whole, in more foil, put it in the roaster, and let it go.  Forty minutes, then I opened it.  Letting it roast a bit more, before turning it for a bit more in a bit.  The smell is fantastic.  I hope the chicken tastes as good as it smells.

A very good sleep.

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I should have turned the ac off, but I pretty much went upstairs and collapsed.  Thought processes had ceased well before I went up.  I did open up this morning.  It was 66/69 up there, warmer near me.  Downstairs, with a few smaller back windows open and one fan going up in this front room, it was 70/72 in the main/front.  It is 50 outdoors.  Might drop a few degrees even yet.

Sleep was fantastic.  Mostly.  The blankets are a mess.  I needed to straighten them.  But, being that tired, and with the fan and cool, it wasn't possible.  So I had to squirm and wiggle and try to stay as warm and under the covers as possible.  Sometimes size doesn't matter, sometimes it does.  My blankets, while quite large, just cover me, with a bit of extra.  If well set up, to start, that will work.  If not, a roll, a turn, kicking legs out, or pulling them back under, and... poof, no coverage somewhere.  My sleep, at best, is a series of rolling, churning, turning, kicking of legs, rowing of arms.

I have learned, somehow, to find rest in that mess of a process.  And, usually, pretty good.  But, too, I have finally learned... on keto/carnivore mostly, that my body has cooled.  So, I need to keep blankets on fairly well at 73 or less.  Much better than when living a higher carb life, and being too hot even in the mid 60s.  I wasn't comfortable until in the 50s, honestly.  While I don't eat perfectly, I eat well enough that this measure is telltale.  As well, in the day, I can handle up to, say, 75?  If I am inactive.  Going to town, though, even at that temp, and I still need the ac.

Bedtime, finally?

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Late.  21:30.  Just... couldn't quite get on to bed.  Up at, what, five?  A bit after?  For me a very long day.  The ac should have the place cooled.

While I was letting the diffuser send rifts of jasmine, my mind remembered a song.  Oh, my sort, of course.  Summer Breeze.  Covered by... a real band.

And an addition.  The scent reminds me of youth, and some of who I shared my youth with.  Uhm.  I have lived.  Still live, but... differently.

Almost bedtime.

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A pleasant day, truly.  Couldn't get to work, but it was on my mind.  Did do a few little things.  Something is something, after all.

It is down to 79 outside.  Staying at 74/78 in the back of the house and hotter in this front room.  Upstairs, all closed up, with just a fan going, was 73/75, hotter near my bed.  But that's the side the sun comes up on, and it is right above the computer and gaming console.  So... yeah.  not sure which it is, but I think it's mostly just the sun.  The west side of my house has tree shading it, so... yeah.

A slow day.

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It's up to 84 outside.  And, without a fan or ac, is just up to 76 here in this front room, near the computer.  It is 73/75 in the main of the back and this room.  Quite nice, if it's time to turn a fan or two on.  And, maybe, the ac in a bit.  Not sure about upstairs.  I'll check in a few hours.  If it's in the mid 70s, I'll turn the ac on to give it time to pull back a bit before bedtime.

Three days of wearing compression socks is helping.  And remembering medicine, mostly.  Very light dosages, with an aspirin thrown in every other day or so.  Sometimes every day, if there is some pain.  I haven't been checking bp, but pulse?  Resting is running 68, highs are 109?  Without medicine, my lows are... between 110 and 120.  So, not bad.  Lows.  I may have been correct, they may have been trying to overdose me.  Maybe not directly hit me, but get me with kidney and liver failure.  Doctors aren't your friend, especially not ones working for the government.  Understand that.  This very light dose is enough.  And it doesn't truck me down.

I'm not able to get to much.  Having trouble doing more than sitting.  I did get a steak cooked.  Delicious.  And, done rightly.  It was a thinner steak.  Not the thin cut, but not the thick.  An inch, give or take.  Bone-in.  The thinner steaks are more difficult to track, if the bone helps slow the process, but also alters things, in that the bone absorbs more of the heat, leaving the meat around it a bit rawer.  Still, I... love meat ripe off the bone!  Something about chewing it off the bone adds... flavor, texture, something.  We all have a touch of caveman in us?  But, that was about perfect, as steak goes.  I am improving.

Up and at it.

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Well, half of that.  I slept really well, according to my gauges.  The ac was still on, as it was rather warm when I went to bed, outside.  Too warm.  And I was a bit warm from not using the ac downstairs.  It was just on the edge, but I went without.  So... ac, upstairs, was a requirement for sleep.  When I woke it was 66/69 (warmer near me, this time).  Still, beautiful sleeping temperatures.  The same as when I went to bed.  Blankets were needed, and enjoyed.

It is all closed up, down here.  And is 71/72 inside, warmer up front though I could chill it by opening the front door.  May, now that I'm thinking of it.  It is 58 outside, could drop a few degrees yet this morning, sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.  Still, it's a beautiful morning, as things in this region go.

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I did get to it.

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Not all of it, but the majority of it.  I did what I could.  The floor, cleaning.  Well, and the wheels of my chair.  I'll have to do more, in time, next time, when I wake.  That is what I could do.  Played my game for a bit.  But, couldn't do that well or for long either.

I closed up the house.  It's 77 up front here, 72 in the main, last I looked.  It was 72 upstairs.  But bedtime is approaching, quickly.  So, while upstairs, I think it was already shut, I turned on the ac.  I'll check the windows, to be sure, before going on to bed.

Seeing stars, having some difficulty breathing.  Strange.  I took medicine.  That usually helps.  Though, it's... got to end sometime.  Not sure why I am so exhausted.  Outside is too hot and too bright, thought about sitting out for a bit, just couldn't.  I did cook the meal, but that was about all I could do.  Had to get inside, sit, for a bit.

Fantastic.

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A full meal.  The last of the corn.  I tossed all else out, as it was... not great.  If, I realized, not horrible.  Simply not fresh.  This one last bag, though, I saved.  A baked potato, too.  Starch, carbs, sugars, but... it's been a while.  A complete, from scratch, from fresh at once, meal.

I had two packages of fish out, from yesterday.  I prepped the griddle, and then got them going.  The problem?  One group of fish was paper thin, the other thick as a brick.  No problems.  I just cooked each to done, at the thin while the thick finished, then polished that off.

Very nice meal.

I have some cleaning to do.  I needed knee pads for it, and got them.  The water is ready.  I'm not.  Not quite?  May start it anyway.  Spilled something, need to clean it up.  Almost never do that sort of thing.  Embarrassing.  Went for McD's a few days ago.  Got regular soda.  Went to set it on the desk.  Missed?  Bleh.

A bit more gaming, then I'll get to it?  Or... do some now, some later?  I... know... which.  I just don't want to do... which.  Still, it's...  Yes, mother.  :p

Into the freezers.

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I've been buying meat, but just putting it in the freezer.  A big drop in.  Fairly new, give or take.  So fairly efficient.  I am sure there are more efficient, but those always cut corners, and aren't reliable, in almost any way.  I have learned to avoid anything "high efficiency".  The technology isn't there.  You just pay more for subpar performance, endurance, quality.  Though, as one of your kind suggested, do as thou will.  I attempt to do as is wise.  Choices.  Or... live and learn.

Anyway, today, I dug into both the fridge and dropin freezer.  Both placing meats in by type and purchase date, roughly.  Pulling some for the freezer over the fridge, the immediate access meat.  And then setting the water purifier system and blender station back on top of the freezer.  All good.

A rather cooler morning.

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I wasn't sure if the storm, and cool, would blow through, melt away.  I firmly expected it to no more than stay the same.  But, at 46 this morning, I would say it definitely dropped a decade of degrees or so.  And, I'm not certain that is as cool as it will get this morning.

It's about 5:30 as I get to this.  Woke a quarter after or so.  A few minor tasks first thing.  Sassy, food and then litter.  Dirty clothes collected from upstairs and the bathroom, taken to the wash room.  Coffee water set to heat, then made.  The beginnings of a better day.  To be around a quarter after twenty hundred?  Give or take, so nine hours down.

As exhausted as I was, after pushing and pulling to get out, and really trying to get to the store since... Friday or Saturday at the latest as well, I was completely washed up.  I woke, yesterday, at two, or three, I believe.  Didn't get down until that late, for pushing to get out, then having to back off the pushing... which takes a while.

The final shopping.

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To the store, to pick up steaks.  And fish, as it turns out.  It was beastly though.  To get out, I had to stay up, because I... couldn't quite get a shower.  But I had to do it today, or the price would go up.  No tomorrow.  So, I... pulled, pushed, and fought for it.  And, made it.  Broke my left nut doing it, though, I think.  Oh well.

Beside the steak I ordered, they had cod (US, wild caught), and sole... the same.  Or... so it was labeled.  I... am not sure I trust, at this point.  Just as likely fished by Chinese slaves, but what fish they put in is anyone's guess.  Or what they do to it, or how they process it?  Then, just label the ship "US"?  You can't trust these people anymore.  I really shouldn't buy fish, not from local stores.  Though I can't afford verifiable fish, not sure even that is trusted.  Remember, the USDA is there for their own employment, and kickbacks.  They aren't working for you anymore, if they ever were.

Still chilly out there.

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It wouldn't seem to cool, even cold, save that it was so cool last night.  Then the rain chilled even that.  It is nearly noon, and it is 64 out there, 73 in the warmest spot in the house, here near the computer.  Compression socks aren't even warming things up.  All good.  Save that it is just into the first week of August.  Yes, this might turn out to be a very cold wet winter.  I am sort of curious just how big that lake in California can get.  And how much the Great Salt Lake could refill.  Needs it, badly.  As for Cali?  That's a lot of fruit and veggies gone.

Though, to be frank, people aren't buying much these days.  Even I have backed way down.  Not only am I simply eating less, initially from the jacked prices.  But now I am spending half or less what I was spending, on top of inflation.  I am spending half as much without accounting for inflation.  I had been spending four to six hundred a month.  Yea, but shut up.  Now I am spending between two and three hundred.  A bit more this month because burgers and then steak went on sale.

Then again, I am probably finished buying for a few months anyway.  But, I have burgers and steaks to last for some time.  And chicken.  Buying whole chickens, lately.  Not sure the parted parts of chicken can be trusted at this point.  It's too hit or miss, and that is money lost if it's not good.  I have some hope the whole chickens are processed and cooled fast enough.  The parts... may or may not be.

Chilled, quickly.

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Last time checked, it was 58.  I was gaming, it's all I could do.  Then, it just got... almost downright cold?  Well... I noticed the drop, to be sure.  So I went to check.  It was only 54, but it had been raining.  Oh, that makes the 54 a lot cooler than it seems.  At 4500 elevation here in the valley, things just aren't the same as on the flat lowlands.  And, sometimes, cold air, from the heights will get even much colder, and tumble down.  Doesn't seem like it, doesn't measure out, but yes.  Cold.

All good.  I closed the front door.  For now.  May close a few other windows.  Turned off all fans, downstairs.  I don't mind the upstairs getting fresh air, so that can remain open.  It won't cool down here.  Without the furnace running, I just don't mind.  Though... the furnace doesn't warm up there, so even then I might not care.

I am thinking of getting to something.  I didn't make the keto spaghetti yesterday.  My little pots were all dirty.  So, actually, I did do something.  Scraping, clearing, washing, twice, rinsing, and drying those.  They are on the counter, clean and dry by now.  Ready to make food.  Yeah, I had made beans in them, then left them to goo.  It... wasn't fun, but clean they are.

Burned out.

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Not sure why though.  It has been cooler, but nicely so.  I think it hit 80 today, or close.  But... that's nice.  It only got up to 74/76?  Or so.  Didn't have to turn the ac, didn't feel the need, have a want even.  The upstairs was 68/69 when I went to bed, 66/69 when I woke.  Nice.

I had good sleep.  I had food, coffee.  I got a shower in.  I made it to town, to pick up the steaks.  Which... weren't there?  A day late and they are gone.  But, I could and did reorder.  I won't fuss.  And, it was my fault.  Half dead or not, the world had rules.  I'm... not upset about it.  Plus, the steaks I reordered will be fresher.  Never worry.

Life has been quite pleasant, but I am have trouble living it even so.  And, I keep forgetting medicine.  In this case, putting it in a dispenser won't really help.  Forgetting would happen wherever it is.  I'll... try to get back to it.  I did get storebought milk, while in town.  For kefir.  I'll pull the kefir grains out, get them thawed, and...  Actually, they will thaw in the milk.  Though I need them to be thawed enough to drop out of the little containers.  Shouldn't take long.

The first few doses will be tossed.  It just isn't... good.  It takes a while for the kefir to really get going again.  I can't wait for that to be back on the menu.  I had to quit for the summer.  I couldn't keep up, well, in the heat.  Even with the ac, the heat is... oppressive.  Especially for us old ill guys.  I simply couldn't keep up.  On the good side, I did get all the jars and jugs cleaned and ready.  Lids on, so they will stay clean.  Though, I will put in the 160ish F tapwater.  I keep it hot.  But, at that temp, for ten minutes, it will pretty much sterilize.  Here is one quote "150 F for 20 minutes", I'll take that.  At 160, it will take less.  But, twenty minutes is fine.  Put them in a dishpan, flood them inside and out, with their plastic lids in tow, and... that should do.

Oh, another problem, was I wasn't able to wear compression socks.  The heat just... I couldn't.  Even with the ac.  Not sure it was just the heat.  Wearing those, for a while, tests one's fortitude.  They are harsh.  I just couldn't do much, medicine, compression socks, food.  It's been a slower summer.  But, fall is coming around.

Someone at the store was complaining that it was 80 outside.  I had to laugh.  It isn't uncommon for it to be 90, even 95, this time of year.  I just told her 80 is pleasant.  Didn't tell her that I'm three quarters dead, with a bad heart, a flooding body, and else, to boot.  Kids these days!  It really was nice, and I had compression socks, slacks, and two shirts... a t with a short sleeved semi-work, semi-dress shirt... buttoned up, too, if only the t was tucked.  She got a bit butthurt.  Though, she was chunky.  Then again, so am I.  Bleh.  :p

I got grapes and grapefruit.  The first of each month, I look around for something... different.  Fruits, usually, though sometimes worse, say corn chips and salsa, guacamole, such.  Cherries, if they look good, grapes, oranges, whatever looks the absolute best.  Grab a bag, or several, or such.  Even a few little plackets of berries.  Just... a... treat, usually a better one.  Variety, and such.  Finishing the grapes.  Will hit grapefruit the next few days.  Yum.  All sugar, but... yeah.

On to waking and polishing.  Grapes, that is.  A shower at some point.  I did open up the upstairs, turned off the ac.  The downstairs had a few windows open, I opened the rest upon waking.  Will open the front door.  It's 58 out there, so not terribly cool, or cold anyway.  But, pleasant.  Be well.