I know.

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My stories seem crazy. Running into another married woman and seeing the past flash before my eyes, the potential, the insanity of my old life. It was a different life. Things people not only don't do, but don't consider, was simply how things happened back when. It is not that I didn't consider morality, I was simply amoral. I didn't know, in some ways. Sure, I knew the words. I had never seen them in practice. Perhaps it was just bad luck, perhaps because my eyes were opened to sin at a very young age which allowed me to see things adults thought they kept hidden, perhaps it was the age in which I was raised.

I do not shed tears for those days any more than I shed tears for fighting. I do, however, bear scars. I can't say I bear shame. I did my best to keep real 'good girls' out of my path. I was jaded by the time I was 13, and fairly experienced. And there were plenty of girls and women available by then. It's almost like we had a secret set of nods and looks so we communicated right over and around the normal virgin world. We knew who knew, who was available, and that it was mostly just for kicks. Though if I could steal the heart of a heartless strumpet, I would. More fame, more glory, more prospects. Pat Benatar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" was their opening line, and, well, I did. Women almost always lose in a free-for-all, but they knew it going in.

It all comes back with one encounter. I don't remember all of the names or faces, and certainly not all of the affairs. It was such a cruel world. And for all the women I held, there was so little real love. Looking back on it, it was a cold place, a empty time. If I regret something more than anything else, it is that it took so long to see that. Further, I suppose, to realize that as the male, the leader, I might have lead one of those women to a right life. A good man can do that. But I was weak. Little did they know, but I feared my own shadow, regarding them. I couldn't deal with love. Sex, sure. But dealing with a full grown woman, in love, for life, and all? Children? I had no clue. I still have no clue, truth be told. What I have is faith, and a path. They aren't just hot bodies anymore. They are daughters of man, children of God.

I can't believe how easy, though, it would be for me to revert to those dark paths. I am so damned hungry, it has been so long. I could smell her, the earthy nature of her womanhood, her hunger, the way animals do. I can see right through anything she says, or wears should I lower my shields. She was hungry too, very. I've been there, seemingly, a thousand times. Perhaps at least that many times if I didn't always have the opportunity to develop what I saw.

Anyway, I'll keep things kosher and... try to get in to Church. It is there that I hope to do right, to find, then marry, a truly good woman. There is some *cough* room for her having some history. *cough* I have no doubt that I could land the right woman. I just have to meet several, and... let nature take over, within the limits of God's prescriptions. It isn't up to the woman, she isn't even involved in the decision, to a greater degree. Believe what you will, the man has to make, and make right, the relationship. Women follow, men lead. Anything else is a lie that will lead to exactly where I was before. I can lead, but can I lead as God would have me, as a shepherd and not a wolf? To heck but this is has me in a snit.