It was a long and messy night?

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Something along those lines.  I didn't make it to bed until 21:30.  That is the latest I have stayed awake since my day schedule started, if that was not long ago.  I again set my alarm for 6:00.  Not until a bit after 9:00 could I get out of bed.  I reset the alarm each hour, hoping something would shift to favor waking.  I dreamed, half dreamed, half woke, and slept.  Last night seemed more like being in a drying machine than a bed.  And I came out wrinkled!

It has simply been a rough week.  The weather change is simply getting to me.  My arms, in spite of having lost weight, somehow seem 20 pounds heavier.  Even my eyelids have gained a good five pounds per.  I am driving through the days, it is a push to simply maintain consciousness.  Now, I am not actually having to work at staying awake, I am having to not work.  Basically to stay awake, I realize, I have had to cut all non-essential for life actions.  While that might not seem like much of a contrast, and in 'normal terms' it isn't, it does limit me as I see things quite a bit.  Conservation of brain and muscle power is the ticket.  I am hoping, when new games arrive, that I can find something interesting in there to bolster synaptic firing, which might lead to more function.  But it looks like the shop is nearly closed for the season?

Never worry.  I remembered, if a bit late, about the day lamp.  I don't have it arranged yet, but it is on my mind.  I can't quite quit trying to square the circle of my life, if there isn't a formula for it quite so keen as there is for the geometric and calculus derived forms... if those are still unnervingly odd.  I am writing the book, making the formula, testing this and that.  I remember when people wondered why sharks bite everything and having it explained that... biting is the only method sharks have by which to explore their world.  I somehow think there is a parallel if I can't quite... put my thumb on it... in my attempts at a bit more life.  Having a home, having food coming in, and if I could more steadily get back on medicine, I am and possibly could do even a bit better.  I know what I am doing is better than ever before.  I don't lose months worth of conscious memory, if I still sit quite idle.  I don't feast and fast as a way of life.  And I am beginning to conquer my environment, one little problem at a time.  I am evening storing foods, equipment, and non-edible consumables for short, mid, and longer term use, just in case.

It just isn't as bad as it has been.  Well, and now I know what the real problem is.  That gives me some chance at resisting in a logical scientific manner.  I have some things under consideration that way, such as supplements, hopefully to go with medicines if I can get that working again.  But I will probably never even reach the tipping point where I can have some modicum of a typical sleep pattern, let alone a regular static barebone set of chores per day.  I don't know how much heart function that would take, 50%, 70%.  But at 20-30%... life just can't scale to that.  This I know, cross my heart.  But I can do better or worse, and I choose better.  Every time.

Have a great Sunday, and if you are a regular, enjoy a bit of Church for me would ya?  I miss the 'joint'.  *smile*  Oh hush, God knows I'm not being (too) informal.  I know because He is always pleased to see me when I can visit.