Reading, sleep oddities, and other issues.

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The consumption of the Screwtape Letters continues at a goodly pace.  So much practical wisdom can be found in the book that I feel saddened that it is so late in life before I found myself finally obtaining a copy and digging in.  Still, I am far from my deathbed and I have much to do.  And... I am an old 'ship'.  A little bolstering about the bow, or midships, after a good seasoning, is not such a bad thing either.

The book reminds me of things I have thought, clarifies other things I have considered, and points out tricks and traps I had previously missed.  Some of it is upsetting.  The notion of dulling a man, so that he neither knows nor cares, hits home.  No, that is not how I live when well, but when ill.  All I can see is gray, dust, nothing, and nowhere.  I do realize though that as soon as I may I pick myself up and hurry to the next opportunity.  My illness is my work, and like all, work sometimes does take precedents.  Sometimes it is the net sum of what a man can do.  Charity is fine, but to not work to make or earn what can be given, one becomes a charity case.  Which is rather convoluted, considering my income is a source of charity like insurance.  Oh, but some things I cannot dodge.  I must take some things to heart.  If too, some things that are offered are rejected in whole, part, or at least in the way I perceived them.  It is, however, written from the viewpoint of a demon, so... that might be called to be expected.

While no true religious expert, no preacher of the Word, no great debater of the way, I am most certainly a shrewd thinker, a solidly faithful man, and I have some long history with the Word and the faith.  My greatest weakness is in my association with other faithful.  Uhrm, something I blame mostly on myself, though having an intricate nature, which can be used to ill affect, does play a role.  In any case, in the reading of this book, I do find that many of the questions I have asked, and would have asked, are being covered.  No man will solve the riddle of the Word, not in a lifetime or a hundred lifetimes.  No, all we can do is search, seek, and be open to His Word, His will, and His way.  Further, His way for me may literally not be His way for you.  And further still, I do believe, His will happens, we only agree to be a party to it or not.  Free will without free way.  That is how I see it, mostly.  Never mind.  The thing is I feel I could have discussed the universe, people, and God, rather freely and easily with the author.  C.S. Lewis and G.H. Chesterton would have made for fine men with whom to discuss much.  And I think we all would have come away... better for it.  No scholar, am I, but that might be the very point.  No slight to scholars there at all, it is just that they are often much more formulaic, less... natural, or instinctive. 

Sleep?  Church today?  I have been up since?  And I slept ? hours before that.  I honestly have no idea, or control, over my sleep, or wake time, at the moment.  I am pretty sure I am about to crash.  And I will set my alarm to give me time to attend Church.  I am willing it to beyond spec tolerances.  I am also sure that I have almost no say in the matter.  It will be a form of luck, a touch of grace, not my will, that will see me into the pew next.  I don't know that my priest understands.  I am pretty sure God can see right into the guts of a man and knows the truth.  Which, for me, is enough.  Well, okay, it's a little much at times.  But then, I never feel that lying would serve my purposes, not to others, not to myself.  So... that is one advantage to the 'see right into the guts' notion.  Oh, I have known folk who will look right into your eyes, while they are doing what they say they never do, telling you with a straight face that they don't do what they are doing.  Never understood that, but it's there.  On that note, I do believe I have decided not to set my alarm.  I can't see trying for three hours to wake only to realize I am already an hour late, which... is most likely the best of outcomes and it really messes everything up.

Bed time.  Oh, and don't worry.  While I am compiling a list of needs and some wants for the trip, I am still focusing on getting the seedlings going.  I may have to see if a neighbor will water the plants the week and a half or so that I am gone.  I'll bet for some product, and maybe a small fee, one of the neighbor children would be happy to do so.  Uhm, assuming the seedlings make it, then get planted, and that they last that long.  Never mind, once again.  Just... plotting and planning.  Good... night, and day.