Questions of sanity.

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I have, of course, easily, had the status of my mind questioned.  Fairly, of course.  Initially I spent much time discovering the truth of falseness of the question and my proposal regarding it.  Initially I took the doubt seriously.  As time has passed, I realized some things.

Since my feet landed on this rock I have not encountered sanity.  I realize not a man, woman, or child alive is capable of sanity.  In our present limitations of flesh, further in a fallen world, we simply cannot contain enough of yesterday, today, and tomorrow, while dealing with our various hungers thirsts and fears, to ever attain sanity.  More, I realized the people most in doubt of my sanity were some of the people who had completely surrendered their already meager grasp of the notion in order to be in a position to doubt the sanity of others.  Doctors have sold their soul for the good life.  Whatever they are told, whatever is suggested to them, they have learned to accept.  Those who can't are washed out, or understand and leave.  Only those simple and docile enough to be manipulated, transformed into machines of untruth, will make it through the processes.  Most of them aren't even bright enough to actually know it.  Tools, dull ones, for a machine that is meant not to help, but to conquer, men.  Useless, and worse.

As to my sanity?  That does have to be questioned, for my own purposes.  And there are variations of it, much as their are shades and hues.  More light, or less.  A certain frequency reflected, or several.  Sanity is like that.  How do you gauge sanity?  A first test is to examine if the difference between the simple real, and the perceived real, track.  How close do those perceptions get.  They won't, for any, stay in perfect alignment.  Nor, most likely, will they ever be on an exact same trajectory, save perhaps scant moments of intersection by happenstance.  No, you really do not understand what is happening all about you most of the time.  Oh, well, you can get the big things.  Sure, the sun is up.  But is is partly cloudy?  Is the sun shining every moment?  Are you aware, sure, enough, to guarantee that?  Why the surprise when you step out and the sun is behind a cloud?  But the little details... does so-and-whositz actually like you?  Or merely put up with you?  Or stick with you because you are there and no one else is?  Is your thinking right, on a topic?  Or are you merely believing it because you can't handle the truth.  Now, start digging on every topic you consider you know, not just the ones where you know you are unsure.  I have done this.

So, for me, I am satisfied that my understanding of reality, on the more simple plain of things, is rather accurate.  Blue is indeed blue, no colorblindness.  When I hear as sound, I am positive something external, or something I am doing, is causing vibrations in the air to which my ears... even skin and bones if serious enough, can sense.  When someone, however, says they like me... while I take that at their word, time only tells the truth.  Even more deeply, even if someone does care, their version or understanding of care, or hatred, may or may not be expressed as it might be expected.  So, while I am sure of the rock solid earth, my eyes in very simple ways, and ears too, I am not certain about much more.  Further, I can't be.  The shades and hues are what they are, I can only, on very specific things, differentiate in small ways, carefully.  Which, to me, makes me imminently sane, within huge limits of the capacity.  However, I also believe that brings me closer to sanity than those many who have never questioned it.  Not sure that it was worth the serious testing, but when your health is, even falsely, tied to such a question... and you can do little else... you will spend the time to find out.  And so I did.

Just... thinking... out loud as is often the case.  Now, scoot, you crazy wombat!  *chuckles*