Back to bed.

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I lasted a few hours, then became weak.  My torso hurt this morning, and that pain increased.  It felt as if I had been hit just enough below the ribs, by a two by four, that it didn't directly hurt the ribs themselves.  It was the only pain I felt.  I can't remember when, exactly, I went down.  Perhaps around 10:00?  A bit after probably.

The ducks were let out.  I thought I had fed the girls, but it doesn't seem so.  When I woke... if I fed them, there would have been two cans pulled.  One used immediately, another would have been on a cupboard counter.  There were none.  It has become a patterned behavior, so I know.  Otherwise they will beg four cans a day, or not be fed for a day or two.  There is always dry food, and I treat them, but...

Down three hours.  Sleep wasn't good.  I couldn't really sleep solidly.  I kept waking.  I continued to hurt.  Something just feels off.  Is the weather changing again?  I just don't know what all is wrong.  Actually, I don't know what is wrong in any of the things I am sensing.  The world seems even uglier when alone in it, and unable to figure things out.  Old animals know that.  Some people at the end.  You would think I would be used to it after knowing this for the majority of the last three decades and spare change years.  There is no way to get over death confusion though.  No amount of experience suffices.  It is noticed, realized for what it is, much more quickly.  But it is what it is.

No, not dying.  I do live on the line, give or take a bit either way depending on the day.  As mentioned, without interference, I have a few decades, two or three.  If cut loose, I have no idea... though it might help in the short run.  Right until it doesn't.  Living under a bridge or on a street somewhere.  Trying to find as quiet and peaceful a place to wait out my time as possible.  Many years, if left alone.  I don't think I will get that.  I'm on too many lists.  Later.