Fragile.

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Some days are so... unnerving.  I can't die, or live.  I... have found I am able to take care of a few animals... feebly.  I can't keep them all alive, but have created a system of feeding, watering, containing, and/or loosing which allows most of them to survive.  And, when things cool, perhaps I will be able to begin more of a production... in which I can gather the fruits of my efforts.

Still, for now, just feeding, watering, and tending litter, for a few creatures... and myself... is about as much as I have been able to successfully do.  I may be stepping up, for another project or two.  But... those are... only possibilities.  I have fairly stout limitations.  Even so, I am making plans to do more.

I have quite alcohol, tobacco, and carbs mostly.  I take my medicines, when I can, as faithfully as I am able.  I have done everything I can do to improve my condition.   Even caffeine has been slashed to a few times a week.  None of it seems to matter.

I keep hanging on.  Not because I know I will improve, but because I know it could be worse.  And I suspect it will get much worse, long before it gets better.  I have surrendered my option of suicide.  So, I... will probably live a fairly humble... humbler... life in some not too distant future.  A year?  Ten?  Thirty?

To be honest, those aren't the problems.  It is being alone to do more than I can do.  A minor boss might help.  A little guidance, a little help, someone to do what I can't, when I can't, and probably vice versa.  Not all that fancy.  But, it seems, all help comes with fairly high costs of association.  It's just the way of it.  Damned, as they say, if you do and if you don't.

I have learned not to care.  No, not in the way it could mean.  Only... to let go... of ego, and wants, and demands.  To do merely what I can, when I can.  And, so, I do.  But it can feel like a shallow, nearly empty, life of service to... ideas, principles, theories, philosophies, which I can never hope to fully grasp.  Still, it's... I know, at least, what I can't do.  And I have some idea of what I can do.  And, so, I do it.

Fragile.  But... too... there is a grace in that.  Just that.  Later.