Having a hell of a time.

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I can't wake up.  I had coffee earlier.  That helped, a bit.  Just... not much or for long.  Dark out there.  Cool.  It was 64 just a bit ago, up fourteen from the first check.  So very tired.

Before showering, I weighed in.  At 261.8, I've lost 2.4 pounds since my last weigh-in, on Tuesday.  On that one I had gained 3.2 pounds.  And my first weigh-in was Sunday.  Strange that I can lose and gain that much in one day.  But, as I have said, this is no longer about losing weight.  I am eating so as to be healthier, feel better.  I have completely given up on losing weight.  Any weight loss is a bonus, not a goal or objective.  As a fact, if I begin working out, I will most likely gain weight anyway.  At least initially.

I had hoped to make it to mass.  But I am absolutely trashed, tired, having difficulty just staying awake.  I am hungry.  Very hungry.  Not sure if it is physical, but I think part of it is.  I didn't eat much yesterday.  A double burger, with chees, but without a bun, or fries, or... anything else.  It's not that much food.  Quarter pounders, two.  Hmm, if I do that, I may go for four burgers.  Especially if I am not eating anything with it.

Today?  Burgers again, to start.  On a bed of lettuce, I believe.  And, perhaps, roasting the chicken hearts, then grilling those to finish later.  With mushrooms.  I have fresh mushrooms, and that... sounds good together.  A smaller kefir with each meal, and a vinegar tonic after.  No more coffee.  It isn't helping anyway.

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Got lost... doing things.

Anyway...  A bit more awake if not terribly great.  I roasted a few walnuts and pecans.  Enough for a pint of the former and a half pint of the latter.  Tasty, had some, since it is food time.  While doing that, and this, I enjoyed a bit of kefir.  Then set up three burgers.  And will be grilling mushrooms with those.

Oh, and while at all else, I began roasting chicken hearts.  Spiced and herbed pleasantly, I hope.  Those will be finished, cooled, then grilled later, with the remainder of the mushrooms.  Should be... good.

Three burgers.  Going to attempt smash burgers again.  That... isn't working well.  I haven't been successful so far.  But, I will try, try, again.  It's the way I want them done.  No buns, of any sort, today.  But that's okay too.  Cheese on two of them.  And, when in the process, with time, I will slice onions and tomato.  It just adds a nice bit, even storebought tomatoes.

Should have decent food today.  As for yesterday, only eating two patties was a lot light.  Though, even with all planned today, this isn't exactly a banquet.  But it will, and happily, do.

What was I going to say?  If I haven't.  Tired, confused.  Ah, burgers, their size.  I love the idea of big thick burgers, half pounders, pounders maybe?  But the truth is, burgers are much better in smaller sizes.  A quarter pounder is perfect.  I have tried bigger burgers, and smaller.  I tried to love the bigger, and almost automatically hated the smaller burgers.  But I just couldn't really like the bigger burgers.  

Plus, cooking them is murder.  You really can't smash a one pound burger.  To be true, the easiest and best way I found to cook those was to bake them in the oven for an half hour, then grill them on high to create a crispy outer.  Even then, it tastes more like a meatloaf than a burger.  Bleh.  So, yes, quarter pounders.  If I am hungry, and or want more after?  Then I just... have more quarter pounders.  It works.

It's going...  So hungry.  So tired.  Is there a connection?  I don't think so.  The connection, when there is one, isn't a matter of the sensation, it is a matter of control of the sensation.  Just as with chastity.  If exhaustion is pervasive, extreme, or such, my ability to control my impulses is greatly diminished... which actually leads to greater exhaustion.  Odd how that works.

I am hoping a right amount of food, of the right kind, will help.  But maybe it won't.  I may just be done for the week.

I had a few videos, I watched.  Aggressive man-hating music.  I... enjoyed... the idea.  But, of the four or five I had, they all disappeared from my video history.  I didn't remove them.  Had planned to use them.  Gone.  And I just... they were songs I hadn't heard before.  Gone.