Rough.

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Since Wednesday, my world has been harsh.  Worn, thin to the bone.  Tired.  Unable to do much.  It is as written to this day.  Even so, I have been able to be up before seven, sometimes well earlier?  A bit earlier.  I have eaten, showered, taken care of the needs of Sassy.  And... a few other very light things.  Not much, but... some things.

Today?  I can't make it to mass.  I am simply too tired, and it is coming too fast.  The... hope is still there.  Not this week.  Not every week perhaps.  A few days a week at most.  But, there is... hope.  And it will happen.  It isn't just hope.  It simply takes time.  Too hot, too cold, too bouncy, and I will lose my grip, for a while.

Though, too, losing my grip hasn't been complete failure.  Not this year, these times.  Losing my grip merely means slower easier days.  There is even some hope that I may retain my morning schedule.  While I keep losing, these last few days, there is solid hope (if not absolute reason for the hope, yet) that I may regain my four wake up.  I am struggling, and losing, but still struggling, and with some sort of new hope.  I suppose the watch boosts my ability to try.  It can't change my condition, but it continues to wake me.  And I continue to use it to wake me, if... not currently... at the exact time planned when going to bed.

Then, too, it has been unduly cold.  Not sure the heat will help, when it hits.  Unless I can acclimate, and then it levels or slowly increases.  But, a 36 degree morning, and just hitting 53 degrees here at 11:12?  Yes, after running to the 80s days, and even 50 at night, this cold spell is a setback.  And, it has been in place since Wednesday.  It has, probably on it's own, cut me off at the proverbial knees.  Heck, it is only 63 here in the house.  Perhaps I should have turned the furnace up.  I... just... hated the idea.  And, if it warms later, it will get so very hot in here.  Stuck between a rock and a hard place, on that.  Trying to be cheap, too.  Bleh.

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Well?  Got lost again.  Ended up receiving a call from my mother.  She hung up on me last time, and disconnected before it went through the time before.

After that, I grilled the chicken hearts and mushrooms.  Pretty tasty, up until it got cold and I got full.  Bleh.  Still, I did enjoy what I ate.  Kefir with it.  Finishing my vinegar tonic now.  Taking forever to get it down.  Bleh.

I think I may start adding chia seed, and hemp seed sometimes, plus ground flax from time to time, as a morning meal, then eating meat later?  Not a lot, just... a touch.  Perhaps soaked overnight, in kefir?  Maybe.  Just... something... that isn't too filling, or high calorie, but that adds bulk to my diet.

Meat is good, but I can't eat enough of it.  Not because I don't love it, or can't afford it (mostly for either, though... there are sometimes issues with both).  More because I simply can't eat enough, fast enough, to get more in.  As with the chicken hearts, I ate until I couldn't.  Not enough left over to save.  And I'm not sure those would save well either.

I need more bulk, to poop better.  I mean, I poop daily.  But my production is off.  Easy, though.  Between kefir and vinegar, it... goes through rather well.  Only, if I haven't eaten enough, it can be difficult to deliver.  My body wants to, there just isn't... try pooping mayonnaise, or such.  No, just... no.  So, chia might help.  Chia for a quick first bite, as I begin planning and thinking about the meat.  Yes, I think it will work.

The one thing?  I am no longer using sweetener regularly.  Oh, every other or third day I will sweeten a coffee.  But not daily.  And, I think that is helping... with blood sugar, maybe through that with weight?  So... how do I make it edible?  Or, as with coffee and tea, and kefir really, do I just learn to cold-turkey it?  Maybe.  Or can I make a masala, more of a desert type, which will work?  Oh, but there is a sweetener that was less destructive to insulin... a granular.  Unlike the liquid, it just didn't have as much of an impact?  Even so, I don't want to sweeten every day.  The trick, I suppose, will be to sweeten enough, up front, that I can do it.  Then slowly back off.  That is how I did with coffee.  Well, and overnight, with the kefir, it... might... consume the bad stuff?  I'll find out, shortly.  Tomorrow?  If I can remember.

I am thinking, rather than using hot water to heat the chia, I may soak it overnight.  Plus, using kefir instead of water, I add good on top of good.  The "sweet" masala, would be using ginger, cinnamon, and like spices.  Though I could see adding a touch of cayenne, or hotter, for an occasional... boost.  Just... don't forget.  It would be horrible to bite into hot when expecting "sweet".  Youch.

So tired, still.  A bunch of my order for the month has arrived.  More still to come.  Though, I realized, through time, that there were a quite a few things I needed for my household.  Someone has gone through three jugs of mouthwash I had held back.  And a number of other littler and bigger things were needed.  Some I just used, others were fresh needs overlooked in other recent order processes.  So, yeah.  I ordered a bit much this month, but... so be it.  Next month should be minimal.  And, as amazon is jacking it's prices, compared to local, if I can find it locally and easily, and it prices well or often very favorably locally, I buy locally.  Saving amazon for what simply isn't available locally, or easily.  Starting to ween the pups.

I don't believe the price differences are by accident.  Amazon is slowly being forced to, or choosing to, back away from the home delivery process.  Trying to push people to get out.  Which... means... amazon is a government entity.  Or, is controlled by said, doing it's bidding.  Trying to keep small businesses from dying.  Though, their pricing is what killed them.

Beyond that, I am trying to get of the buying addiction.  What do you really need?  How fast do you need it?  Good questions.  Doing my best.  But, sometimes, for want or need, buying is... a good thing.  A required thing.  I just need to back off, from that, a goodly bit, and know it.  So... I will... am... mostly.