For the first time in my adult life, without prompting, I appreciated this day. It is not as if those who have sacrificed through war, toil, giving, sharing, and who have loved and served my nation, my family, and myself have not been important to me. It is not as if I felt above, beyond, or beneath respect or reverence. I hold that respect strongly, and value all that goes with it. However, simply being aware that a day is a holiday has been a difficult project in the condition I often find myself.
I have considered, over the course of this weekend, those who came before and have since passed. Some important family members can be named among the remembered. Some I have met and loved, such as my Grandpa, several cousins, and a step-brother, among others. Some I never had the chance to meet except through pictures and stories, such as my Grandmother. There are other family members, cousins to uncles, great aunts to siblings, who I have known and miss. I think of the servicemen who have died for my family, myself, and our nation. Further back, I think of those who helped sew some of the seeds of my nation before the US was a nation. The noblemen who pushed for the Magna Carta for example. And further back, to Christ, who believed men were worthy enough for him to knowingly suffer and die and rise. As it is God and His notion’s which have been the basis for this nation and upon which the citizens draw their rights to freedoms. And, back further to the earliest of God’s prophets and writers, who were the very first to begin developing the idea that would one day be my nation. There are many to be remembered, many who have sacrificed and died, some close some more distant in time or relationship. And, there are others whose lives were their sacrifice, who gave the sweat off their brow, the calluses on their hands, the blisters on their feet, and much of if not all the wealth they generated to ensure their children, who became my parents, grandparents, great-grandparents and so on had a chance to offer me a place in this world.
I have enjoyed this weekend. I have done very little, and enjoyed the time off. This is the first three day weekend I have actually knowingly understood fully in decades. To both appreciate the time off and be aware enough to also contemplate the reasons behind the break is something I see as a sign of a new life. I am only so glad, finally and fully, to not be listed as one to be remembered. I now have a much deeper valuation of the sacrifices men have made to allow me this chance. And, now, family means that much more as well. I now honor the dead properly. Because of this, though, I also honor the living even more. Life is so precious and rare, I cannot help now but to see things differently, especially as I begin once again to live it.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Saturday, May 24, 2008
A minor hitch.
I finally tried on the farmer john dive suit. It does not fit! I will have to send it back and order another, hopefully in time. I cannot find the order sheet, so I will need to call the company. I had wanted to call the company anyway, in hopes they might be able to guide me, and more quickly than what I could do on my own, to a replacement suit. I am terrible about returns, so this will be a challenge. Worst come to worst, I may just rent when I get to the rafting guide's place. At least there is a stock solid fall-back plan.
Oh, the Zune, so far, is amazing! The software I downloaded works fine (so long as I remember to allow access through the firewall (safe? Doubtful, but I think I am compromised anyway. *sigh* no… ARGGGHHHH!!!* The software automatically updated the machine from ver. 2.0 to ver. 2.5. And, after figuring out how to run it (without instructions, I could find them nowhere, for either the Zune or the software), I altered some of the settings, and even set it up so that my computer automatically burns music CDs to a file when I put them in the CD/DVD drive. As well, I can choose which file type I wish to compress the music into. The really good one (I think it is the best(?), still learning) takes a good deal more time and probably space, but with 80 gb I think I will go with that. I doubt it is as good as the CDs, but I am not quite an audiophile (if somewhat picky). It will take some time to get my CDs converted. I am thinking of just having a goal of processing 20 or 30 CDs a day. I will just have to see how long it takes and then see how much time I have on any particular day of course. At 20 per day, it will take well more than 15 days with more than 300 CDs to burn. Oh, I pulled down a freeby song from Zune’s Marketplace last night. I was just curious about how it worked, how well it worked, and how long it took.
Today has been a late start and a slow day. Fine, it IS Saturday. I do plan to go to church and then return, change my clothes, and then go fishing if it is not raining. If it is raining, I may head out on a local hike. I have a small pack, waterproof outers, and a camel-back. With it being a rainy day, I will be less likely to meet a fearful woman. It is irritating to be walking along and have a female freak out because I am walking on a path toward her. If she is that at risk, she should not be out and or alone. And yes, if someone like me was not a gentlemen, she would have as much chance as she would against a great white shark. Although, it is interesting to see feminism tested against reality. Thankfully for her there is no risk in my presence.
Three weeks of working out, getting back on medicine and now to the point of both consistent and proper usage and far better results from the medicine, my plans for the summer coming together and nearly completed, my plans for school now in the works, an introduction into a men's bible study, and a return to regular church attendance have led to a very strong showing in my life. Or more, the recreation of a life. I am beginning to put all the parts together. It has been, at times or actually usually, necessary to begin any particular area in bits and parts, then to start knitting the bits, and now to connect the parts into a whole as a new life. Bit by bit, sometimes only a stitch or weave at a time, sometimes the construction of whole aspects at a time, a real, good, functional, extended life is being created and lived. No doubt, this house of a life is still only a rough outline, the basement still only drying cement, the plumbing only capped pipes leading into the construction site or out of it, lots still to do. But it is recognizable as it stands. It has some reality to it, and shows more than a simple interest, but a full intent to build, with great risks having been taken to get this far.
There are many people helping me, I am not deluded. I have a woman help keep my apartment clean (and it helps greatly). I have a nurse check in on me and set up my medication every two weeks (and that, at times, is vital). I have a doctor who pushes me and sometimes allows me to push back. I have family and friends who have stayed in contact and not let me just drop off the face of the planet. Yes sometimes I have asked for these things, yes I roll up my sleeves and pitch in if I can, yes I want it, yes I have goals, plans, and a deep interest, but I am not on this path alone. I could not do it alone. And, finally, I think I am ok with that, mostly, as humbling, fear inducing, and encroaching as being dependent may be.
Oh, the Zune, so far, is amazing! The software I downloaded works fine (so long as I remember to allow access through the firewall (safe? Doubtful, but I think I am compromised anyway. *sigh* no… ARGGGHHHH!!!* The software automatically updated the machine from ver. 2.0 to ver. 2.5. And, after figuring out how to run it (without instructions, I could find them nowhere, for either the Zune or the software), I altered some of the settings, and even set it up so that my computer automatically burns music CDs to a file when I put them in the CD/DVD drive. As well, I can choose which file type I wish to compress the music into. The really good one (I think it is the best(?), still learning) takes a good deal more time and probably space, but with 80 gb I think I will go with that. I doubt it is as good as the CDs, but I am not quite an audiophile (if somewhat picky). It will take some time to get my CDs converted. I am thinking of just having a goal of processing 20 or 30 CDs a day. I will just have to see how long it takes and then see how much time I have on any particular day of course. At 20 per day, it will take well more than 15 days with more than 300 CDs to burn. Oh, I pulled down a freeby song from Zune’s Marketplace last night. I was just curious about how it worked, how well it worked, and how long it took.
Today has been a late start and a slow day. Fine, it IS Saturday. I do plan to go to church and then return, change my clothes, and then go fishing if it is not raining. If it is raining, I may head out on a local hike. I have a small pack, waterproof outers, and a camel-back. With it being a rainy day, I will be less likely to meet a fearful woman. It is irritating to be walking along and have a female freak out because I am walking on a path toward her. If she is that at risk, she should not be out and or alone. And yes, if someone like me was not a gentlemen, she would have as much chance as she would against a great white shark. Although, it is interesting to see feminism tested against reality. Thankfully for her there is no risk in my presence.
Three weeks of working out, getting back on medicine and now to the point of both consistent and proper usage and far better results from the medicine, my plans for the summer coming together and nearly completed, my plans for school now in the works, an introduction into a men's bible study, and a return to regular church attendance have led to a very strong showing in my life. Or more, the recreation of a life. I am beginning to put all the parts together. It has been, at times or actually usually, necessary to begin any particular area in bits and parts, then to start knitting the bits, and now to connect the parts into a whole as a new life. Bit by bit, sometimes only a stitch or weave at a time, sometimes the construction of whole aspects at a time, a real, good, functional, extended life is being created and lived. No doubt, this house of a life is still only a rough outline, the basement still only drying cement, the plumbing only capped pipes leading into the construction site or out of it, lots still to do. But it is recognizable as it stands. It has some reality to it, and shows more than a simple interest, but a full intent to build, with great risks having been taken to get this far.
There are many people helping me, I am not deluded. I have a woman help keep my apartment clean (and it helps greatly). I have a nurse check in on me and set up my medication every two weeks (and that, at times, is vital). I have a doctor who pushes me and sometimes allows me to push back. I have family and friends who have stayed in contact and not let me just drop off the face of the planet. Yes sometimes I have asked for these things, yes I roll up my sleeves and pitch in if I can, yes I want it, yes I have goals, plans, and a deep interest, but I am not on this path alone. I could not do it alone. And, finally, I think I am ok with that, mostly, as humbling, fear inducing, and encroaching as being dependent may be.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Hammer and nails, 2x4s, and effort, the world is coming together.
I have not exercised yet. My lady friend called and asked if I would bring her some 7-Up shortly after that last post. Certainly I said, I could, and so I did. I needed to buy a few groceries for my home as well, I realized, as I started driving to the store. I picked up a few items at Hy-Vee, then headed to the fancy grocery store. I suggested freshly made soup from the Coop during our conversation. Perhaps, she thought, though she would delay a decision until she knew what soups were offered today. I purchased a few more items in the coop, and then looked to the soups. She was not interested in beef noodle, minestrone, or summer tomato, and nothing else sounded good, so I paid for my goods and drove to her place. She answered rather swiftly after I knocked, and she looked very ill. I delivered the goods, and because of her appearance, skipped inviting myself in.
I will call and check on her frequently this weekend, I will probably call her this evening. This is the second time this week I have seen her look this rough, and it is not her style or way. I know what is causing it, she is working two jobs, one is paying her, the other is costing her to work (due to gas costs and no pay or reimbursement). Between the physical stress of an extra 20-40 hours of work plus travel time, the added expenses which fray her nerves, and exposure (all that beautiful sunshine, rain, wind, and dirt :p ), she is at her ends. Still, I will try to make sure she does not get too ill, or have some major unmet needs, or such. She has no one else, and I like to do this, and, I suppose, I like her. Even the lout that I am, I can be gentle even when I disagree, should I choose that. I will know she is back on her feet when she takes a psychic swing at me. Atta girl, swing a little harder and higher… or lower… as I am frequently pleased to think.
I ordered one toy this year, while obtaining the rest of the goods for the trip. I have had this on my list for several years. I think this particular one is newer, the newest of it’s type. I ordered it, custom, two days ago. It showed up on my doorstep today. Well, actually it was at the door, a signature was required to take possession of the item. Hint, it is smaller than a breadbox, can fill a fairly large room if properly set up, runs and plays, “everyone” has or wants one, nobody really manages theirs well, and they are techy. I bought a custom artwork Zune 80 gb mp3 player. Now I need to get something to connect it to the mp3 jack in my Xterra (I did not order that in the X, it either came free since they did not have one without it or it was a part of my extra stereo package, maybe it was the satellite radio package that was free… I dunno). I also am trying to find information about whether I could download from Sirius or XM Satellite radio to my Zune (or computer?). I have one of the radio systems in the Xterra (the hardware anyway, I let the free period pass without obtaining a contract). If I could download music, yeah, I would subscribe. However, I strongly doubt it is possible (without hacking, probably illegally).
I downloaded the software for Zune. It does not look to offer all that much music, video, or other content actually, and it seems a little pricey. Though it was late and I was tired when I looked. Supposedly, by connecting the Zune to my computer through this software (on top of the software also being both what loads media to the Zune, a media marketplace, and a social hangout for Zune users), this is how I charge the player. I have 300 music CDs, though I never have really learned how to record or burn CDs to my computer or to CDs, let alone how to mess around and get the recording settings arranged to have the highest quality renditions of my favorite stuff in a format suited to an mp3 player. With 80 gb, I am almost tempted to just record whole albums. Then again, maybe not. It depends on how much easier it is to look for albums and then look through those compared to finding songs by group or singer, style, and alphabetically. I have no idea about how to go about organizing my loading, nor what categories are available. *sigh* Still, once done, I can keep my whole music collection safe at home, stored (and as I learn, probably backed-up AND using the another set of back-ups rather than the originals to play when I do play CDs). Plus, I will probably be more willing to buy pieces and parts, as with Leni Kravitz. I hate his whole albums, but he has a very few excellent songs. Why he does not become the new Hendrix I will never know. He must be afraid of becoming too white or something. So, instead, he slinks off into Ike Turner obscurity. Then again, at least he does not Uncle Tom to rap music.
On another note, my vocational councilor called. He sounded up-beat about my prospects in spite of some health issues himself. I can certainly empathize, within the constraints of familiarity, sympathizing with the rest. He asked that I obtain information regarding my current academic track, including: actual course work needed and completed; how the two year and four years schools will or could function with the remaining coursework; and a time schedule for the completion of the remaining work. As I remembered it, I believed I had already completed that type of survey, having spoken with both the U of Iowa and Kirkwood this spring, so I told him I would see if I could find the material. He had asked me to do it around the beginning of the spring semester, and when it was done, suggested that it did not matter without my doctor’s input, so to just not worry about the work I had and paperwork I had collected. Well, with the doctor in my camp, and now the paperwork and schedule completed, I was hoping to schedule an appointment before heading to Colorado. No such luck, he had wanted to schedule me for June 1st for a meeting. That is right at the end of my vacation (a part that is still somewhat vague). Since the off-roader group has not actually planned the trip yet, I am not sure which day I will be leaving from up that way. As well, I fully intend to see two, if not all three, of my mothers on the way home. To date, I have never had a mother push me out of the door the day after I arrived. Yet, assuming that very scenario, I would not be back in time for the meeting. Still, it is looking good. He suggested that I call and set an appointment when I get back, but I think I will probably call as soon as I know about the off-road excursion’s end date. I will then give myself about a week and a half to drive and visit, get home and sorted out, and rest up and going again before having to begin planning classes. I think I impressed him by having done what he told me to do (regarding gathering that information) and then by being able to find it and call him back in less than five minutes (and actually calling). A few more high scores and life could get easier this way, a few major successes in class work, and I will be set. Oh, a prayer has been put in for him, just for his health, not for his favor. *laughs*
Oh, I happened to find a couple of my Cook’s Illustrated magazines I had been seeking. My neighbor had discussed some interests and difficulties, and oddly, I remembered reading articles on two of those topics. I promised to bring those over, but I had not been able to find them. I went to drop them off a bit ago, but she did not seem to be home. I will have to check after posting this monster.
You know what, I think I am going to have a shot and a half of Balvenie 12 and a bit of purified water later this afternoon. It has been a good week.
I will call and check on her frequently this weekend, I will probably call her this evening. This is the second time this week I have seen her look this rough, and it is not her style or way. I know what is causing it, she is working two jobs, one is paying her, the other is costing her to work (due to gas costs and no pay or reimbursement). Between the physical stress of an extra 20-40 hours of work plus travel time, the added expenses which fray her nerves, and exposure (all that beautiful sunshine, rain, wind, and dirt :p ), she is at her ends. Still, I will try to make sure she does not get too ill, or have some major unmet needs, or such. She has no one else, and I like to do this, and, I suppose, I like her. Even the lout that I am, I can be gentle even when I disagree, should I choose that. I will know she is back on her feet when she takes a psychic swing at me. Atta girl, swing a little harder and higher… or lower… as I am frequently pleased to think.
I ordered one toy this year, while obtaining the rest of the goods for the trip. I have had this on my list for several years. I think this particular one is newer, the newest of it’s type. I ordered it, custom, two days ago. It showed up on my doorstep today. Well, actually it was at the door, a signature was required to take possession of the item. Hint, it is smaller than a breadbox, can fill a fairly large room if properly set up, runs and plays, “everyone” has or wants one, nobody really manages theirs well, and they are techy. I bought a custom artwork Zune 80 gb mp3 player. Now I need to get something to connect it to the mp3 jack in my Xterra (I did not order that in the X, it either came free since they did not have one without it or it was a part of my extra stereo package, maybe it was the satellite radio package that was free… I dunno). I also am trying to find information about whether I could download from Sirius or XM Satellite radio to my Zune (or computer?). I have one of the radio systems in the Xterra (the hardware anyway, I let the free period pass without obtaining a contract). If I could download music, yeah, I would subscribe. However, I strongly doubt it is possible (without hacking, probably illegally).
I downloaded the software for Zune. It does not look to offer all that much music, video, or other content actually, and it seems a little pricey. Though it was late and I was tired when I looked. Supposedly, by connecting the Zune to my computer through this software (on top of the software also being both what loads media to the Zune, a media marketplace, and a social hangout for Zune users), this is how I charge the player. I have 300 music CDs, though I never have really learned how to record or burn CDs to my computer or to CDs, let alone how to mess around and get the recording settings arranged to have the highest quality renditions of my favorite stuff in a format suited to an mp3 player. With 80 gb, I am almost tempted to just record whole albums. Then again, maybe not. It depends on how much easier it is to look for albums and then look through those compared to finding songs by group or singer, style, and alphabetically. I have no idea about how to go about organizing my loading, nor what categories are available. *sigh* Still, once done, I can keep my whole music collection safe at home, stored (and as I learn, probably backed-up AND using the another set of back-ups rather than the originals to play when I do play CDs). Plus, I will probably be more willing to buy pieces and parts, as with Leni Kravitz. I hate his whole albums, but he has a very few excellent songs. Why he does not become the new Hendrix I will never know. He must be afraid of becoming too white or something. So, instead, he slinks off into Ike Turner obscurity. Then again, at least he does not Uncle Tom to rap music.
On another note, my vocational councilor called. He sounded up-beat about my prospects in spite of some health issues himself. I can certainly empathize, within the constraints of familiarity, sympathizing with the rest. He asked that I obtain information regarding my current academic track, including: actual course work needed and completed; how the two year and four years schools will or could function with the remaining coursework; and a time schedule for the completion of the remaining work. As I remembered it, I believed I had already completed that type of survey, having spoken with both the U of Iowa and Kirkwood this spring, so I told him I would see if I could find the material. He had asked me to do it around the beginning of the spring semester, and when it was done, suggested that it did not matter without my doctor’s input, so to just not worry about the work I had and paperwork I had collected. Well, with the doctor in my camp, and now the paperwork and schedule completed, I was hoping to schedule an appointment before heading to Colorado. No such luck, he had wanted to schedule me for June 1st for a meeting. That is right at the end of my vacation (a part that is still somewhat vague). Since the off-roader group has not actually planned the trip yet, I am not sure which day I will be leaving from up that way. As well, I fully intend to see two, if not all three, of my mothers on the way home. To date, I have never had a mother push me out of the door the day after I arrived. Yet, assuming that very scenario, I would not be back in time for the meeting. Still, it is looking good. He suggested that I call and set an appointment when I get back, but I think I will probably call as soon as I know about the off-road excursion’s end date. I will then give myself about a week and a half to drive and visit, get home and sorted out, and rest up and going again before having to begin planning classes. I think I impressed him by having done what he told me to do (regarding gathering that information) and then by being able to find it and call him back in less than five minutes (and actually calling). A few more high scores and life could get easier this way, a few major successes in class work, and I will be set. Oh, a prayer has been put in for him, just for his health, not for his favor. *laughs*
Oh, I happened to find a couple of my Cook’s Illustrated magazines I had been seeking. My neighbor had discussed some interests and difficulties, and oddly, I remembered reading articles on two of those topics. I promised to bring those over, but I had not been able to find them. I went to drop them off a bit ago, but she did not seem to be home. I will have to check after posting this monster.
You know what, I think I am going to have a shot and a half of Balvenie 12 and a bit of purified water later this afternoon. It has been a good week.
Thunder storms and an easy morning.
Good morning. Though I fumbled when arranging this mornings wake up, I am sure I will get it right before long. I went to bed late, again, and must have thought I should then set my alarm later. Yet my furnace was still set to go off at the earlier time, so I am not quite sure how my plans of being awake by 7:00, given my ideal alarm, medicine, and furnace time interplay, will work. But, I keep planning, plotting, figuring, and… I admit it, I do sometimes feel a bit like Wile E. Coyote, well, crossed with Bugs Bunny anyway. I either have the worst best luck in the world, or just the opposite. The glass of very cold water half emptied in my lap which had been on fire or the glass half full of crocodile infested gold rich silt bottomed water. Take your pick. I enjoy it, mostly.
I was able to crawl out of bed by 8:15. And, yes, that is ok. I am still experimenting. Beyond that, I woke up refreshed. I slept very well. Waking up to rain and thunder, even having the lightning flashes creep into my well darkened cave, can be a fantastic thing. This morning was one of those pleasant storm mornings. And, I really do feel refreshed. I feel better than I have, upon waking, in a very long time. There may be other reasons though too.
This morning I remembered to check my vitals before almost anything. My blood pressure is at 134/94 with a pulse of 68 (the lowest of two readings) and my blood sugar was down to 168. That is the lowest either has been in, perhaps four months, perhaps longer? Oddly, as my blood sugar is coming down, my high blood pressure is tagging along. Very odd, if you ask me. I will take it, understanding be damned, if curiosity cannot be abated.
Today, yes, a Friday, what is on my schedule? Oh, I definitely need to work out. Not a problem, I am hoping to do that in the next hour or so. With the rain, I do not think I will go fishing, but I would like to find and then read the fishing report. Perhaps there are places where fishing is more successful, or certain lures or baits which seem to be working, or some other clue to success. Though it was unofficial, my neighbor sort of charged me with getting hot on fishing so as to be his and his family's guide regarding fishing. I have not performed well so far. With the new fishing report out this last Thursday, I might be able to use it, plus chatting up the local bait shops, speaking with other fishermen, and a little leg and casting work to find more successful where’s, when’s, and what’s of local fishing. Plus, I am actually hungry for fish. The three mess of fish I have had lately have really put the munchies for fish on the front burner. As well, catching that little fish sort of tugs at me to catch more and hopefully bigger fish.
What else today? More reading about pi, I would like to get to the part discussing the mathematic formula(s) for developing the numbers of pi. A little more reading about hiking and backpacking, plus the creation of my own list of required, handy, or just wanted items (based strongly on the book's list). I need to see what I have and what I still might need. I am quite sure a medical kit needs to be prepared, though how much of one will depend upon costs. I do want at least a medium kit, enough to cover the very basics, up to and including stitches. Oh, I ought to get cracking on some final laundry, a push to tighten the place back up a bit neatness wise, and perhaps a run at my bedroom. I will never be a successful houseman but that does not let me off the hook completely.
You know, I am thinking I might actually be getting somewhere. I might be finding my way out of this decades old hole. I do not think it is a false light, though it is still distant. It will take every bit of work I have put in to date more, plus that last 15 % of the climb is all the work from before, times 2 to 10. At this point, few are offering a hand, some are becoming antagonistic, and others have always been aggressive (keep gimps in their place sort of thing). I will just keep doing what I am doing, adding more as I get more. What else, pray tell, do I have to do with my life now that I am having one again? Life… is… good!
I was able to crawl out of bed by 8:15. And, yes, that is ok. I am still experimenting. Beyond that, I woke up refreshed. I slept very well. Waking up to rain and thunder, even having the lightning flashes creep into my well darkened cave, can be a fantastic thing. This morning was one of those pleasant storm mornings. And, I really do feel refreshed. I feel better than I have, upon waking, in a very long time. There may be other reasons though too.
This morning I remembered to check my vitals before almost anything. My blood pressure is at 134/94 with a pulse of 68 (the lowest of two readings) and my blood sugar was down to 168. That is the lowest either has been in, perhaps four months, perhaps longer? Oddly, as my blood sugar is coming down, my high blood pressure is tagging along. Very odd, if you ask me. I will take it, understanding be damned, if curiosity cannot be abated.
Today, yes, a Friday, what is on my schedule? Oh, I definitely need to work out. Not a problem, I am hoping to do that in the next hour or so. With the rain, I do not think I will go fishing, but I would like to find and then read the fishing report. Perhaps there are places where fishing is more successful, or certain lures or baits which seem to be working, or some other clue to success. Though it was unofficial, my neighbor sort of charged me with getting hot on fishing so as to be his and his family's guide regarding fishing. I have not performed well so far. With the new fishing report out this last Thursday, I might be able to use it, plus chatting up the local bait shops, speaking with other fishermen, and a little leg and casting work to find more successful where’s, when’s, and what’s of local fishing. Plus, I am actually hungry for fish. The three mess of fish I have had lately have really put the munchies for fish on the front burner. As well, catching that little fish sort of tugs at me to catch more and hopefully bigger fish.
What else today? More reading about pi, I would like to get to the part discussing the mathematic formula(s) for developing the numbers of pi. A little more reading about hiking and backpacking, plus the creation of my own list of required, handy, or just wanted items (based strongly on the book's list). I need to see what I have and what I still might need. I am quite sure a medical kit needs to be prepared, though how much of one will depend upon costs. I do want at least a medium kit, enough to cover the very basics, up to and including stitches. Oh, I ought to get cracking on some final laundry, a push to tighten the place back up a bit neatness wise, and perhaps a run at my bedroom. I will never be a successful houseman but that does not let me off the hook completely.
You know, I am thinking I might actually be getting somewhere. I might be finding my way out of this decades old hole. I do not think it is a false light, though it is still distant. It will take every bit of work I have put in to date more, plus that last 15 % of the climb is all the work from before, times 2 to 10. At this point, few are offering a hand, some are becoming antagonistic, and others have always been aggressive (keep gimps in their place sort of thing). I will just keep doing what I am doing, adding more as I get more. What else, pray tell, do I have to do with my life now that I am having one again? Life… is… good!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
A great day!
Sure, I was slow waking this morning. Certainly, I did not do a dozen things, contact ten people, and I did not plan out my life, trip, or even next week. What I did do, however, was satisfying. I attempted to change my schedule so that I wake up earlier. And though not successful, I do believe it can be and that I know how (generally speaking) to make it successful. I have taken my medications on time, and they seem to be working. I was a bit late in testing my blood sugar. After two days of insulin, it is, after a breakfast meal, below 200. I believe it was 191, actually. After several back and forth emails, my friend and myself arranged a coffee meeting. That went quite well. I learned a good deal, caught back up with and further, learned more about my friend. As well, I have become, at least temporarily, a party to a small bible study group. I know all of the other gentlemen in the group, and it is a fine sort to throw my lot in with. As well, I received some good information regarding joining the Knights of Columbus. It is good to get a scoop on some things.
I am currently awaiting information from that particular gentleman. Some of it is in regard to the group, some of the information will be links to Knights of Columbus general information. It is always interesting to hear about someone’s life. Especially when they are just embarking on a new adventure in business and life. He is doing this at an unusual time in his life, yet seems to be successful. I guess hearing that the unexpected can work is always good, especially for those of us who seem to have been born on the wrong side of the odds.
After the conversation and coffee, I went fishing. I found a place to go, and I tried using the technique I watched a man use the last time I went fishing. I had two solid hits (though I suspect the fish were quite small). I also had a few possible hits. Yet, after an hour or so, I decided to call it off. It was sprinkling, and had been all day, perhaps that was against my luck. It was good to get out anyway.
By the way, I have noticed I cannot eat enough to become full. I am not sure, but I think this is a good sign. I felt this way in my teens and even younger. But back then, they called me twig because I was so skinny. I am thinking that maybe I have started my internal physical engine again. Perhaps I am creating a little more muscle, and activating that which remains, so that I am burning calories consistently and at a much higher rate than I have been for a long time. Since I cannot eat enough to feel satisfied, I am actually now trying to decrease how much I eat and become used to being a little hungry, always. I am just exploring this thing. I just became aware of this change well enough to explain it and think about it’s implications. So, these are all just random considerations and initial thoughts about how to use it to my advantage.
Now I think I will cook some supper. I will probably have some fish. While I was visiting my Mom’s home, someone brought us a mess of fish and she cleaned it. We ate half of it then, while she froze the rest of the fish uncooked. She eats fish rarely, so she sent the package home with me. Lucky me! I had thought about going to a movie, but it is getting a bit late, especially by the time I fix my meal.
I am currently awaiting information from that particular gentleman. Some of it is in regard to the group, some of the information will be links to Knights of Columbus general information. It is always interesting to hear about someone’s life. Especially when they are just embarking on a new adventure in business and life. He is doing this at an unusual time in his life, yet seems to be successful. I guess hearing that the unexpected can work is always good, especially for those of us who seem to have been born on the wrong side of the odds.
After the conversation and coffee, I went fishing. I found a place to go, and I tried using the technique I watched a man use the last time I went fishing. I had two solid hits (though I suspect the fish were quite small). I also had a few possible hits. Yet, after an hour or so, I decided to call it off. It was sprinkling, and had been all day, perhaps that was against my luck. It was good to get out anyway.
By the way, I have noticed I cannot eat enough to become full. I am not sure, but I think this is a good sign. I felt this way in my teens and even younger. But back then, they called me twig because I was so skinny. I am thinking that maybe I have started my internal physical engine again. Perhaps I am creating a little more muscle, and activating that which remains, so that I am burning calories consistently and at a much higher rate than I have been for a long time. Since I cannot eat enough to feel satisfied, I am actually now trying to decrease how much I eat and become used to being a little hungry, always. I am just exploring this thing. I just became aware of this change well enough to explain it and think about it’s implications. So, these are all just random considerations and initial thoughts about how to use it to my advantage.
Now I think I will cook some supper. I will probably have some fish. While I was visiting my Mom’s home, someone brought us a mess of fish and she cleaned it. We ate half of it then, while she froze the rest of the fish uncooked. She eats fish rarely, so she sent the package home with me. Lucky me! I had thought about going to a movie, but it is getting a bit late, especially by the time I fix my meal.
This, that, and the other thing.
I ended up waking late, though I do not have a difficulty with that this day. Beyond staying up late, I attempted a new technique this morning. I have decided to set my alarm clock for 6:00, take my medicine then, and then return to bed for an easier and earlier awakening. The difficulty was that I set the heat too high too early. I think I will change the furnace turn-on time tomorrow to 6:30, and if that is still too early, perhaps as late as 6:45 or even 7:00, while my second alarm clock is set for 7:00. My goal is to wake up shortly before or shortly after 7:00.
I have received several emails. Some of which have to do with the trip. I have replied though there may be some difficulties. I had to resend one of them, as it seems as if the first sending did not get through. As well, the coffee meeting I had spoken of nearly two weeks ago is looking to be a definite event, either this afternoon or tomorrow. I am hoping to discuss the Knights of Columbus with this particular man. I am not sure if he is a member, though I am guessing he very well might be. I would like to speak to several members, a few officers, and others who may be involved with the group before I decide about joining.
It is a nice day. Depending on what I hear back about coffee today, I hope to get out. I may drive out and see about taking a hike. The water is still very high in the reservoirs, so that just might not be available at my favorite place for a while. There is not a lot more going on. And, really, that feels good!
I have received several emails. Some of which have to do with the trip. I have replied though there may be some difficulties. I had to resend one of them, as it seems as if the first sending did not get through. As well, the coffee meeting I had spoken of nearly two weeks ago is looking to be a definite event, either this afternoon or tomorrow. I am hoping to discuss the Knights of Columbus with this particular man. I am not sure if he is a member, though I am guessing he very well might be. I would like to speak to several members, a few officers, and others who may be involved with the group before I decide about joining.
It is a nice day. Depending on what I hear back about coffee today, I hope to get out. I may drive out and see about taking a hike. The water is still very high in the reservoirs, so that just might not be available at my favorite place for a while. There is not a lot more going on. And, really, that feels good!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
I did it.
After the somewhat slow start and the surprise early cleaning, I was lagging. I had a decent lunch and then just relaxed while I gained a little boost from that, though I had to go through a sleepy spell before I started receiving energy. I contacted the man from Vocational Rehab, though I was only able to leave a voice message. I do believe, until I hear back from him, I will call every day. This will keep him from having any excuse for not getting back to me, or trying to accuse me of not trying to contact him.
I was not sure I was going to work out today. I almost did not. I really had to push today. Part of it is just the persistent sleepiness that haunts me, part of it was that Monday’s work out was so difficult. The gloves helped a great deal. The usual pain in my hands did not, and still is not, plaguing me. The belt will take some getting used to, but I believe it will be invaluable in time. I was able to lift today and without a hitch. I am really having to work. I think that is the point. I have one more increase in weight lifted, next week. After that, I will stay with that weight until I leave (though I do get a week off the week before I go (or that week itself) according to the plan I have laid out. I will then have to see how to proceed with my workouts when I return home.
There is not too much to report today. I am tired, still. I am doing what is before me in spite of it. And, I am staying up during the day. I am also taking my medication very regularly, enjoying life, and gaining hope as I move through this. Alright, be well, live long and perspire (Vulcans are really odd).
I was not sure I was going to work out today. I almost did not. I really had to push today. Part of it is just the persistent sleepiness that haunts me, part of it was that Monday’s work out was so difficult. The gloves helped a great deal. The usual pain in my hands did not, and still is not, plaguing me. The belt will take some getting used to, but I believe it will be invaluable in time. I was able to lift today and without a hitch. I am really having to work. I think that is the point. I have one more increase in weight lifted, next week. After that, I will stay with that weight until I leave (though I do get a week off the week before I go (or that week itself) according to the plan I have laid out. I will then have to see how to proceed with my workouts when I return home.
There is not too much to report today. I am tired, still. I am doing what is before me in spite of it. And, I am staying up during the day. I am also taking my medication very regularly, enjoying life, and gaining hope as I move through this. Alright, be well, live long and perspire (Vulcans are really odd).
A new day, push, push, push.
Taking my medicine when the alarm sounds and then going back to bed if need be has worked to a greater degree in allowing me to awaken earlier and more fully. I realized that whether I get 18, 16, 12, or 8 hours of sleep, I will be tired much of my awake time so I might as well try to keep it to 8 to 10 hours of sleep. Oh, heat helps to wake me up as well, since I do not like it and do not sleep well when it is hot. I had not set the furnace last night, so I woke a little slower this morning since the house was not heated to 74 degree F. Overall, sleep is better as it becomes more regular, if I can just keep it this way. Who knows, between eventually handling the diabetes and high blood pressure while getting in shape and expanding my life, perhaps I will get to a point where just being awake is not, for the majority of time, painful. I actually have to work harder to stay awake than I do to work out. I wish the effort expended to stay awake transferred to caloric burn though!
The gear shop I emailed last night had an email sitting there for me this morning. I think the deal may very well go through. I asked some general questions last night, and received some general answers this morning. Some might accuse me of just seeing what is out there, but I would never be so tricky. Anyway, I sent some specifics (items and prices) to be checked for availability and price, as well as questioned shipping costs. As well, the salesman has indicated that if a call is necessary, we could set the time up today and he would gladly call tomorrow. *fingers crossed again*
I am going to pre-clean the apartment and get help with the remainder. I also need to work out, I believe I… Well, I was going to work out before helping clean this afternoon. However, the lady called and asked if she could arrive early. She had had several cancellations and was hoping to, I suppose, finish her day early. Of course, there is no difficulty realigning my schedule. We have pretty much tidied the kitchen, cleaned out the refrigerator, and she is finishing by cleaning the bathroom a bit.
When she leaves, I believe I will have a spot to eat, rest for about an half hour or hour, then work out. I am not sure what all else will be done. I cannot wait to see if the weight lifting gloves work well.
Later.
The gear shop I emailed last night had an email sitting there for me this morning. I think the deal may very well go through. I asked some general questions last night, and received some general answers this morning. Some might accuse me of just seeing what is out there, but I would never be so tricky. Anyway, I sent some specifics (items and prices) to be checked for availability and price, as well as questioned shipping costs. As well, the salesman has indicated that if a call is necessary, we could set the time up today and he would gladly call tomorrow. *fingers crossed again*
I am going to pre-clean the apartment and get help with the remainder. I also need to work out, I believe I… Well, I was going to work out before helping clean this afternoon. However, the lady called and asked if she could arrive early. She had had several cancellations and was hoping to, I suppose, finish her day early. Of course, there is no difficulty realigning my schedule. We have pretty much tidied the kitchen, cleaned out the refrigerator, and she is finishing by cleaning the bathroom a bit.
When she leaves, I believe I will have a spot to eat, rest for about an half hour or hour, then work out. I am not sure what all else will be done. I cannot wait to see if the weight lifting gloves work well.
Later.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Steak and a bit more surety.
After what has happened today, in a number of ways and on several levels, I am more sure about this summer and life. I cannot share all things. Actually, that is as far as I can go altogether, at least at this time. I may say more in some future time about this. Just understand, life is working out.
I received my farmer john today, and a few associated essentials. I placed an order this afternoon. And, I believe I have one last equipment order to place and then I will be set. Now, I have to consider gasoline, lodging costs, food, and the white-water expenses. No worries, things look like they are where they should be financially. No doubt, I have spent more than is absolutely necessary, precisely. Still, these costs were on my list, they have an associated purpose (and perhaps a direct purpose depending upon how much actual camping I do this trip or this summer).
I still feel a bit uneasy about people not getting back to me about many things. I have four trip related communications unreturned. Oh, I know, people are busy, time is not extremely pressing yet, and all that. As well, if everything just dropped off a cliff and I was left to do this solo with only my imagination, gumption, and planning, I would still do much of this. Perhaps the white-water trip(s) might be a little less involved, maybe I would camp rather than stay with folks, and my off-road excursion would probably be somewhat guided to a less risky area. Actually, I would probably save money. Needing to drive fewer miles and at my pace. Again, I am not really worried about that happening.
Oh, while I was out tonight, I decided to pick up a pair of weight lifting gloves. My hands have started paining me. The weight I have started lifting and the number of sets is getting to me. Added to years of fist-fighting, and the pain in my hands from that, I decided it was time to offer my hands a little support. I also purchased a weight belt. Neither of those items is fancy. Hum-drum basic utility items. I am hoping they aid my efforts.
Oh, that bone-in ribeye steak was good! I also had a baked potato, broccoli, and ½ pound of king crab claw. Very good, indeed. I am allergic to king crab, but I like it so much that every year or two I eat it anyway. I will, possibly, break out along my arms, from elbow to wrists, in a narrow line of what appear to be some weird form of acne. I am not sure if it would best be called hives or not, though that might be it. Well, there are some other affects from the allergic reaction, but I cannot recall them other than that they exist and are not really bad. Then again, maybe I did not eat enough. So far, all clear. Oh, a few beers tidied the meal into a proper feast. Now, to bed. I have been tired all day, it will be good to sleep.
I received my farmer john today, and a few associated essentials. I placed an order this afternoon. And, I believe I have one last equipment order to place and then I will be set. Now, I have to consider gasoline, lodging costs, food, and the white-water expenses. No worries, things look like they are where they should be financially. No doubt, I have spent more than is absolutely necessary, precisely. Still, these costs were on my list, they have an associated purpose (and perhaps a direct purpose depending upon how much actual camping I do this trip or this summer).
I still feel a bit uneasy about people not getting back to me about many things. I have four trip related communications unreturned. Oh, I know, people are busy, time is not extremely pressing yet, and all that. As well, if everything just dropped off a cliff and I was left to do this solo with only my imagination, gumption, and planning, I would still do much of this. Perhaps the white-water trip(s) might be a little less involved, maybe I would camp rather than stay with folks, and my off-road excursion would probably be somewhat guided to a less risky area. Actually, I would probably save money. Needing to drive fewer miles and at my pace. Again, I am not really worried about that happening.
Oh, while I was out tonight, I decided to pick up a pair of weight lifting gloves. My hands have started paining me. The weight I have started lifting and the number of sets is getting to me. Added to years of fist-fighting, and the pain in my hands from that, I decided it was time to offer my hands a little support. I also purchased a weight belt. Neither of those items is fancy. Hum-drum basic utility items. I am hoping they aid my efforts.
Oh, that bone-in ribeye steak was good! I also had a baked potato, broccoli, and ½ pound of king crab claw. Very good, indeed. I am allergic to king crab, but I like it so much that every year or two I eat it anyway. I will, possibly, break out along my arms, from elbow to wrists, in a narrow line of what appear to be some weird form of acne. I am not sure if it would best be called hives or not, though that might be it. Well, there are some other affects from the allergic reaction, but I cannot recall them other than that they exist and are not really bad. Then again, maybe I did not eat enough. So far, all clear. Oh, a few beers tidied the meal into a proper feast. Now, to bed. I have been tired all day, it will be good to sleep.
Busy and tired.
I had almost forgotten about an appointment at 10:00 this morning. It was with my primary care doctor, both blood pressure and blood sugar remain problematic so I was glad I remembered and made it and on time. I had plenty of good news, I am taking my meds much more regularly, if it has taken a bit of time to get the diabetes medicine correct, I have definitely been taking my blood pressure medicine very well. As well, the diabetes medicine is now being taken spot on. Of course, exercise has been a regular aspect of my life and is expanding from straight weights and into other things on top of the straight weights. My weight is, if slowly, dipping. I am also attempting to become much more active, both in my activities this summer, but also within each day. I have been really pushing to stay awake all day and to get up and go to bed at a regular time. He seemed pleased with this.
Yet, we need to work on the diabetes first. So, today I have been prescribed insulin, 15cc’s at bedtime. Now, while I do this, I will begin testing blood sugar daily. My fasting blood sugar was hanging right in at 265, average. I am hoping this will bust it down and perhaps even allow me to back off the insulin and possibly all of the tablet medication before long. The blood pressure is not so much of an issue, at least in comparison, so that is on hold as we deal with the blood sugar concern. I received some bad news, for me, from my doctor. He will be leaving the area. Apparently he wishes to be closer to family. I suppose I can understand that, if he is from a close knit family, or his wife is. Still, he will be missed. He has been a conscientious doctor, he has negotiated with me and visa versa, and there is a shared trust. I am more than a bit nervous about his replacement. He has scheduled me to visit one more time before he leaves, to say good byes, to check this last medical change, and to introduce me to another doctor. I guess I count my blessings and hope for the best.
I finally was able to talk to my mother. She is looking forward to the pans, and I have indicated who they will be from so that if the ones I ordered prior to this somehow show up, she can know to send those back. This is a mess, and I will never deal with the one company again. If something is not in stock, fine, an email should be sent indicating this. They just lost a decent amount of potential business, and a fairly nice little sale.
I also made contact with people regarding the hold up on the gear. That cleared, and with room for me to move forward on the gear, I called and checked. The gear is what I did need and it will work as I had hoped. Now I am having a bit of a snit ordering the gear. I found a place that is significantly less expensive (in US $), even with shipping. I could not find a number (U.S., only a British phone number listed). I did find an email address, and sent off an email. I indicated that a phone call would be preferable, but an email might help. I asked if the gear they offered was 1’sts or 2’nds, if the prices were accurate, if the items were in stock, and if the shipping costs would be significantly higher since I am in the US. I had a few other questions, and I might have to see about them, but… A $300 savings on $400 or $700 gear, all the same brand, style, manf. numb. is significant, if I am dubious. If true, it could also mean I can pick up an extra piece(s) of gear I had initially been fearing for the price, or just take the savings and run… *fingers crossed*
I have heard nothing back from the trip related emails. I have not heard back about a coffee outing this week. I have not, yet, visited AAA. As some of these things were being planned, I had a visit from a couple of Elders from the LDS church. I always welcome them in, though I let them know my beliefs. I always enjoy the conversation and it is interesting seeing how they understand things.
I had thought to maybe go fishing or bowling, but I really am tired today. Oh, tomorrow might be a bit better, I asked my doctor to increase the methalphenidate, which he did (though, in fact I am now with the increase on what I had initially been on, so). Hopefully an extra tab will allow me to push even a little more. Tomorrow is work out day, and I need to contact Voc. Rehab., plus my domestic assistant will be here tomorrow around 13:00. Whatever else gets done, gets done. Whatever does not get done will have to wait. I think I am going to treat myself to a steak dinner tonight! That will get me out of the house and not be a shopping trip, right? I do not know that I deserve it, but I will certainly enjoy it. Gutten Nacht.
Yet, we need to work on the diabetes first. So, today I have been prescribed insulin, 15cc’s at bedtime. Now, while I do this, I will begin testing blood sugar daily. My fasting blood sugar was hanging right in at 265, average. I am hoping this will bust it down and perhaps even allow me to back off the insulin and possibly all of the tablet medication before long. The blood pressure is not so much of an issue, at least in comparison, so that is on hold as we deal with the blood sugar concern. I received some bad news, for me, from my doctor. He will be leaving the area. Apparently he wishes to be closer to family. I suppose I can understand that, if he is from a close knit family, or his wife is. Still, he will be missed. He has been a conscientious doctor, he has negotiated with me and visa versa, and there is a shared trust. I am more than a bit nervous about his replacement. He has scheduled me to visit one more time before he leaves, to say good byes, to check this last medical change, and to introduce me to another doctor. I guess I count my blessings and hope for the best.
I finally was able to talk to my mother. She is looking forward to the pans, and I have indicated who they will be from so that if the ones I ordered prior to this somehow show up, she can know to send those back. This is a mess, and I will never deal with the one company again. If something is not in stock, fine, an email should be sent indicating this. They just lost a decent amount of potential business, and a fairly nice little sale.
I also made contact with people regarding the hold up on the gear. That cleared, and with room for me to move forward on the gear, I called and checked. The gear is what I did need and it will work as I had hoped. Now I am having a bit of a snit ordering the gear. I found a place that is significantly less expensive (in US $), even with shipping. I could not find a number (U.S., only a British phone number listed). I did find an email address, and sent off an email. I indicated that a phone call would be preferable, but an email might help. I asked if the gear they offered was 1’sts or 2’nds, if the prices were accurate, if the items were in stock, and if the shipping costs would be significantly higher since I am in the US. I had a few other questions, and I might have to see about them, but… A $300 savings on $400 or $700 gear, all the same brand, style, manf. numb. is significant, if I am dubious. If true, it could also mean I can pick up an extra piece(s) of gear I had initially been fearing for the price, or just take the savings and run… *fingers crossed*
I have heard nothing back from the trip related emails. I have not heard back about a coffee outing this week. I have not, yet, visited AAA. As some of these things were being planned, I had a visit from a couple of Elders from the LDS church. I always welcome them in, though I let them know my beliefs. I always enjoy the conversation and it is interesting seeing how they understand things.
I had thought to maybe go fishing or bowling, but I really am tired today. Oh, tomorrow might be a bit better, I asked my doctor to increase the methalphenidate, which he did (though, in fact I am now with the increase on what I had initially been on, so). Hopefully an extra tab will allow me to push even a little more. Tomorrow is work out day, and I need to contact Voc. Rehab., plus my domestic assistant will be here tomorrow around 13:00. Whatever else gets done, gets done. Whatever does not get done will have to wait. I think I am going to treat myself to a steak dinner tonight! That will get me out of the house and not be a shopping trip, right? I do not know that I deserve it, but I will certainly enjoy it. Gutten Nacht.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Though I am not quite done, I am doing good.
I did my work out, but it was later than I had hoped. It was past noon when I finally hit the iron. It was a tough workout. It took the wind out of me. Still, I did my lifts as well as I was able, doing them all and as scheduled. It did take a little longer than usual today. I realized something, though, today. As the morning worked toward afternoon, I had hoped energy would grow. What I realized is that it will not grow. I have to just hit what needs to be done if I can, and not worry about trying to energize. Simply put, and again, energy will not percolate up from my feet or something, as a fact, as I sit I begin losing both energy and momentum.
Ok, lets rap it up. I took the library book back and extended the loan. I walked there and back. I am so good, I did it while the library was closed. All the doors were open, and there were signs up near the parking lot, yet not a single sign near the back door I entered through. The college kid at the desk was not too upset, though he went back and forth about whether he should be. I decided not to laugh at him. I am sure he will grow a pair, or they will drop, some day.
I then returned home and collected the trash I had meant to take to the dump Saturday. I unloaded the lot of it for $3.50 and gas. It would have been cheaper to just buy bag tags, as it turns out. But the fish heads were really starting to stink. I had forgotten about those. As well, the material is out from under my feet when trying to enter the garage.
I wrote an email to solidify my plans, then I made an attempt to contact another man regarding my plans. I have called about the pots and pans for my mother, then ordered them, since they are in stock. After which, I attempted to call her to let her know when they should be there and to give her a phone number if they do not show up on time. Dang, I better check my account to make sure I was not charged for the pots and pans that did not show up. The great thing is I think I got a better price for better gear.
I did not call concerning the gear about which I am unsure. I actually considered doing so, however, I have something on a front burner that has required me to put the gear questions and order on a back burner, but just for a day or two I believe. Hopefully I can care for this tomorrow. I also did not call in about college. I just ran out of time, and was otherwise fairly busy with other things.
I have also stayed awake all day, so far. I am afraid of staying awake tomorrow. I have little to do and a lot of day. Fishing might take some of it, bowling which I did not do today could use up some time, and I might see if I can make it in to a mass. Of course, I have the V.A. Voc. Rehab to deal with, and I need to check about that which put the gear on a back burner, and then depending on that I need to decide about the gear and then order whatever portion I will need. As well, I might be getting emails back. Of course, I also did not make it to AAA for trip planning. Then again, I am not sure I will need them. Well, maybe I could use them. Ackh!
Goodnight. I am about to have a ribeye, broccoli, and brussel sprouts.
*poof*
Ok, lets rap it up. I took the library book back and extended the loan. I walked there and back. I am so good, I did it while the library was closed. All the doors were open, and there were signs up near the parking lot, yet not a single sign near the back door I entered through. The college kid at the desk was not too upset, though he went back and forth about whether he should be. I decided not to laugh at him. I am sure he will grow a pair, or they will drop, some day.
I then returned home and collected the trash I had meant to take to the dump Saturday. I unloaded the lot of it for $3.50 and gas. It would have been cheaper to just buy bag tags, as it turns out. But the fish heads were really starting to stink. I had forgotten about those. As well, the material is out from under my feet when trying to enter the garage.
I wrote an email to solidify my plans, then I made an attempt to contact another man regarding my plans. I have called about the pots and pans for my mother, then ordered them, since they are in stock. After which, I attempted to call her to let her know when they should be there and to give her a phone number if they do not show up on time. Dang, I better check my account to make sure I was not charged for the pots and pans that did not show up. The great thing is I think I got a better price for better gear.
I did not call concerning the gear about which I am unsure. I actually considered doing so, however, I have something on a front burner that has required me to put the gear questions and order on a back burner, but just for a day or two I believe. Hopefully I can care for this tomorrow. I also did not call in about college. I just ran out of time, and was otherwise fairly busy with other things.
I have also stayed awake all day, so far. I am afraid of staying awake tomorrow. I have little to do and a lot of day. Fishing might take some of it, bowling which I did not do today could use up some time, and I might see if I can make it in to a mass. Of course, I have the V.A. Voc. Rehab to deal with, and I need to check about that which put the gear on a back burner, and then depending on that I need to decide about the gear and then order whatever portion I will need. As well, I might be getting emails back. Of course, I also did not make it to AAA for trip planning. Then again, I am not sure I will need them. Well, maybe I could use them. Ackh!
Goodnight. I am about to have a ribeye, broccoli, and brussel sprouts.
*poof*
Up and at it!
Good, good, I see a little push, some pre-emptive actions, a little forethought, and some gumption have combined to get me up at 8:14 this morning. I have spent a little more than an hour going through a wake-up routine, though I am not quite functional yet. And, I have plans for the day. Some you may have heard about, some which are just scheduled in, and some which I devised as I was going to sleep or waking up this morning.
On the list for today: working out shortly as a way to kick off the day, I believe I am going to try to start working out early (and earlier still if and when I can regularly arise around 6:00); getting a book back to the library and hoping that I can extend the loan period; walking to the library this time, and seeing how that goes as my feet are still a bit of a weak point until (perhaps) some corrective surgery is performed; investigating whether I have been charged for the pans I ordered for my mother, pans she has not received, then depending on that dealing with the charges with my bank and seeing if I can order her pot and pan sets I am sure will get to her, I already new sets picked out; calling about some gear to see if it is what I need, I want to actually talk to someone first, and regardless of that I will place an order of some sort with or without the questionable gear either today or tomorrow; bowling, I did not do that last week; several emails regarding my plans, now that I have firmed up my schedule I may start filling one of those people on my list as to when I will be where and I have another person with whom I need to confirm dates and such; and I may try to go fishing sometime today.
There may be a few things added to the list, some of these plans depend on others so regardless of what I do, their completion is not completely in my hands, but that is life. I am learning to know when to just hang out, when to push, pull, complain, question, or just inform others as to my needs and wants. Life is very tangled, problems can be complicated or simple, nothing is quite what it seems, and yet when I give myself and others a clear cut direction or directive, I get very solid feedback, quite often decent honest assistance, and I usually get where I am going or pretty darn close. This is a whole new world and ballgame for me people. I have been so sidelined for so long… it is not like I was on the sidelines, I do not think I was even in the highest bleachers the furthest from the game, I had actually left the game, field, stands, and had gone to a different continent where no one had even heard of the game. I cannot say I am quite back in the game, but I am planning for my first and second season, practicing, working out, making contacts, scheduling minor competitions to obtain a handicap for my game, to know my weaknesses, and to find my strengths.
I will not tell you I am not afraid. I was good in those early days, perhaps very good, some might say pro. I had a lot of things going for me. I turned powerful heads, caused tongues to produce echoes in chambers of power, moved little worlds, and began to have high hopes and expectations built around me. Then I broke and it all drained away while I was mothballed and given no hope. In those circles I will never walk again. I fear that in this new circle of existence I am attempting to rise within, shadows from the past or new shadows will come and obscure my way and hope, those two quite often being synonymous in my lexicon. It is something I will have to deal with, this inner jelly. I used to handle it, but I think that was when I was bulletproof or immortal or something. No, come to think of it, that was never true for me. I dealt with real, gun-metal mouthed, reach-into-my-guts and yank, standing cackle, trauma causing fear. This, actually, should be easier. I suppose I note it so clearly now because I, perhaps for the first time, notice that my chances of a new life are real, that the new life whispered in the wind is a powerful life, and that it is in large part going to be largely up to me staying on target, pushing every day, and demanding and commanding those who were sent to aid me, many of whom have great doubts, a stated political disinterest, or are out-right antagonistic toward my plans.
Enough, it is time to get busy. Oh, I had best contact the V.A. Vocational Rehabilitation officer. I received a letter Thursday or Friday indicating I have 30 days to contact him because his attempts to contact me have not been successful (though my contact information has not changed in 3 going on 4 years and I have received zero attempts by him to contact me, other than this letter). I understand he is trying to get rid of me, and no matter what I do, he will try to either just avoid me until it is too late or find some other way to say no without literally saying it, especially now that he is on my medical records having said yes to my doctor. He is going to be a serious pain in the ass, I may have to collude with other forces to bring down this beast's intent.
On the list for today: working out shortly as a way to kick off the day, I believe I am going to try to start working out early (and earlier still if and when I can regularly arise around 6:00); getting a book back to the library and hoping that I can extend the loan period; walking to the library this time, and seeing how that goes as my feet are still a bit of a weak point until (perhaps) some corrective surgery is performed; investigating whether I have been charged for the pans I ordered for my mother, pans she has not received, then depending on that dealing with the charges with my bank and seeing if I can order her pot and pan sets I am sure will get to her, I already new sets picked out; calling about some gear to see if it is what I need, I want to actually talk to someone first, and regardless of that I will place an order of some sort with or without the questionable gear either today or tomorrow; bowling, I did not do that last week; several emails regarding my plans, now that I have firmed up my schedule I may start filling one of those people on my list as to when I will be where and I have another person with whom I need to confirm dates and such; and I may try to go fishing sometime today.
There may be a few things added to the list, some of these plans depend on others so regardless of what I do, their completion is not completely in my hands, but that is life. I am learning to know when to just hang out, when to push, pull, complain, question, or just inform others as to my needs and wants. Life is very tangled, problems can be complicated or simple, nothing is quite what it seems, and yet when I give myself and others a clear cut direction or directive, I get very solid feedback, quite often decent honest assistance, and I usually get where I am going or pretty darn close. This is a whole new world and ballgame for me people. I have been so sidelined for so long… it is not like I was on the sidelines, I do not think I was even in the highest bleachers the furthest from the game, I had actually left the game, field, stands, and had gone to a different continent where no one had even heard of the game. I cannot say I am quite back in the game, but I am planning for my first and second season, practicing, working out, making contacts, scheduling minor competitions to obtain a handicap for my game, to know my weaknesses, and to find my strengths.
I will not tell you I am not afraid. I was good in those early days, perhaps very good, some might say pro. I had a lot of things going for me. I turned powerful heads, caused tongues to produce echoes in chambers of power, moved little worlds, and began to have high hopes and expectations built around me. Then I broke and it all drained away while I was mothballed and given no hope. In those circles I will never walk again. I fear that in this new circle of existence I am attempting to rise within, shadows from the past or new shadows will come and obscure my way and hope, those two quite often being synonymous in my lexicon. It is something I will have to deal with, this inner jelly. I used to handle it, but I think that was when I was bulletproof or immortal or something. No, come to think of it, that was never true for me. I dealt with real, gun-metal mouthed, reach-into-my-guts and yank, standing cackle, trauma causing fear. This, actually, should be easier. I suppose I note it so clearly now because I, perhaps for the first time, notice that my chances of a new life are real, that the new life whispered in the wind is a powerful life, and that it is in large part going to be largely up to me staying on target, pushing every day, and demanding and commanding those who were sent to aid me, many of whom have great doubts, a stated political disinterest, or are out-right antagonistic toward my plans.
Enough, it is time to get busy. Oh, I had best contact the V.A. Vocational Rehabilitation officer. I received a letter Thursday or Friday indicating I have 30 days to contact him because his attempts to contact me have not been successful (though my contact information has not changed in 3 going on 4 years and I have received zero attempts by him to contact me, other than this letter). I understand he is trying to get rid of me, and no matter what I do, he will try to either just avoid me until it is too late or find some other way to say no without literally saying it, especially now that he is on my medical records having said yes to my doctor. He is going to be a serious pain in the ass, I may have to collude with other forces to bring down this beast's intent.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
So far so good.
While I was planning my day, I decided to cook a bite to eat. I had some brats thawed. I usually boil, then fry or grill brats. However, I wanted to see if I could do without the boiling this time. Boiling brats really adds to the cooking time and the clean-up while not really adding anything to the taste from what I can tell. Instead of just heating the cast iron skillet, this time I added ¼ inch of oil (peanut) to the base of the pan. I heated that up a bit, then added the brats. I cooked them for about five minutes on a little more than medium heat, then turned them over for five minutes. I did this about 5 times, turned the heat to a low medium, and turned them about 3 more times (5 minutes per side as well). They came out well, and the ones I have tasted were good and done.
The movies went back, in two parts. When I turned them in (and glad I went in), two of the DVDs were absent their cases. So, a quick drive home would have solved the problem, but I had some other things on my mind. I asked what time the place closed. It stays open until midnight, every night. Good to know, I would have been able to take them in yesterday it seems. In any case, I paid for the two which were there then went to a few places to check on a few of my final items. I have been looking at camping, hiking, food, and first aid books online. Though I can get an idea of how well a book is written, I really need to see the item, thumb through the pages, see the appendices, index, table of content, and some of the specifics to feel comfortable laying out some cash. As well, a compass is a requirement, if not for this year then certainly for next year. Getting used to using it and becoming a decent navigator will take time. Best to start now, in a familiar and relatively safe environment.
First, a trip to the local outfitters. As I drove up, they were just about to lock the door. The owner or manager hesitantly asked if I knew exactly what I wanted. I did, so he let me through the door. As we walked into the stores interior, he explained that usually they close at 17:00, yet they also like to be flexible for shoppers, especially if it is quick. Redundant chitter-chatter, but that is fine. I appreciate a business which does this and the weather was too good to complain about. He suggested there were others in the store who could help, yet when I saw no worker who was not occupied, I asked if he knew where the compasses where, and if he had a manual or topographical maps. Yes, sort of, No, and No. They only carried two compasses (useful with maps, anyway), however neither a manual or topographical maps were to be had. He did know of a place to purchase local topographical maps, and suggested the USGS as a place to purchase (or source a supplier) for Colorado and Nevada maps. Good information, another piece of gear, and out the door I went in an attempt to not be the last customer irritating the staff.
Barnes & Nobles was my next destination (or were my destinations the other way around?, who knows?). This particular shop is not a massive book store, yet it is not tiny either. A quick look around and I found an area I thought might hold at least some of the material I was seeking. I found a field guide section for nature, including birds and bees (not getting busy or anything, just noting them) and all other things nature. I began a search for edible wild plants. I doubted that I would find anything for Colorado, but I might find something rather broad and general. No such luck. So, I went seeking first aid, backpacking, and hiking books while hoping to hit upon what I had been trying to find. After an half hour of looking, I finally went up and asked for assistance (avoiding the little guy with the petite nature and the “too trimmed” mustache, I asked a woman for some assistance. Simply enough, she lead me to the nature section, and around the corner (which I had failed to follow, though I doubt if it would have mattered), she produced a book covering wild foods. Then she lead me to an area which held many outdoor and first aid type books. I picked up three books, “Edible Wild Plants”, “Hiking and Backpacking”, and “First-Aid Field Guide”. The books appear to have been titled according to one of my favorite principles, that being KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid). I had looked over many books, and with my basic knowledge, felt satisfied that the proper material was covered in each tome I ended up taking to the register. I now have more reading, but I do have an strong incentive to read this material.
After returning home, I picked up the absentee DVDs and returned them. It is good to have those in and to have the late fees paid.
It nearly 22:00, I have been up all day and I should be able to sleep well tonight. I will even get another minor task or two completed by bed time. I know I really need to either start walking locally or hitting the trails to add to my work outs. I would like to begin doing set-ups too. But those things are for another day. This day is a success. Perhaps I could have done more, gotten up earlier, or whatever. I will not complain, not with this day. It is a keeper.
The movies went back, in two parts. When I turned them in (and glad I went in), two of the DVDs were absent their cases. So, a quick drive home would have solved the problem, but I had some other things on my mind. I asked what time the place closed. It stays open until midnight, every night. Good to know, I would have been able to take them in yesterday it seems. In any case, I paid for the two which were there then went to a few places to check on a few of my final items. I have been looking at camping, hiking, food, and first aid books online. Though I can get an idea of how well a book is written, I really need to see the item, thumb through the pages, see the appendices, index, table of content, and some of the specifics to feel comfortable laying out some cash. As well, a compass is a requirement, if not for this year then certainly for next year. Getting used to using it and becoming a decent navigator will take time. Best to start now, in a familiar and relatively safe environment.
First, a trip to the local outfitters. As I drove up, they were just about to lock the door. The owner or manager hesitantly asked if I knew exactly what I wanted. I did, so he let me through the door. As we walked into the stores interior, he explained that usually they close at 17:00, yet they also like to be flexible for shoppers, especially if it is quick. Redundant chitter-chatter, but that is fine. I appreciate a business which does this and the weather was too good to complain about. He suggested there were others in the store who could help, yet when I saw no worker who was not occupied, I asked if he knew where the compasses where, and if he had a manual or topographical maps. Yes, sort of, No, and No. They only carried two compasses (useful with maps, anyway), however neither a manual or topographical maps were to be had. He did know of a place to purchase local topographical maps, and suggested the USGS as a place to purchase (or source a supplier) for Colorado and Nevada maps. Good information, another piece of gear, and out the door I went in an attempt to not be the last customer irritating the staff.
Barnes & Nobles was my next destination (or were my destinations the other way around?, who knows?). This particular shop is not a massive book store, yet it is not tiny either. A quick look around and I found an area I thought might hold at least some of the material I was seeking. I found a field guide section for nature, including birds and bees (not getting busy or anything, just noting them) and all other things nature. I began a search for edible wild plants. I doubted that I would find anything for Colorado, but I might find something rather broad and general. No such luck. So, I went seeking first aid, backpacking, and hiking books while hoping to hit upon what I had been trying to find. After an half hour of looking, I finally went up and asked for assistance (avoiding the little guy with the petite nature and the “too trimmed” mustache, I asked a woman for some assistance. Simply enough, she lead me to the nature section, and around the corner (which I had failed to follow, though I doubt if it would have mattered), she produced a book covering wild foods. Then she lead me to an area which held many outdoor and first aid type books. I picked up three books, “Edible Wild Plants”, “Hiking and Backpacking”, and “First-Aid Field Guide”. The books appear to have been titled according to one of my favorite principles, that being KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid). I had looked over many books, and with my basic knowledge, felt satisfied that the proper material was covered in each tome I ended up taking to the register. I now have more reading, but I do have an strong incentive to read this material.
After returning home, I picked up the absentee DVDs and returned them. It is good to have those in and to have the late fees paid.
It nearly 22:00, I have been up all day and I should be able to sleep well tonight. I will even get another minor task or two completed by bed time. I know I really need to either start walking locally or hitting the trails to add to my work outs. I would like to begin doing set-ups too. But those things are for another day. This day is a success. Perhaps I could have done more, gotten up earlier, or whatever. I will not complain, not with this day. It is a keeper.
Better?
The alarms went off at 7:30 and 8:00 as usual. And, I went back to sleep as usual. However, rather than just rolling back into the sack, I took my morning medicines and checked the temp first. The temperature was 65, a little chilly for me to be active, let alone to allow me to wake up. So, I turned on the heat, setting it at 68 or 70. Then, promptly went to bed and fell back to sleep instantly. I do not know if it was the medicine or the warmth, perhaps both, but my sleep was light and short lived. I was up and out of bed by right at 10:00. A mere 3 hours later, and I feel exhausted again. I hope the main of this feeling is just rearranging my sleep schedule. It is difficult to know. Thankfully it is Sunday and therefore I do not have anything vital to do today. Hmm, I could begin my lists though.
Oh, and I had best take the movies back. I realized after blogging last night that it was probably too late to take the movies back. Since they are late, I do not like leaving them in the drop-off, preferring instead to pay for the late fees and bring them in personally. That will give me a reason to freshen up and leave the house though, so it is not all bad.
I must admit, I am perplexed as to how people stay up all day, working 8 or hours or more, commuting, grooming in the morning, grooming after work (to various degrees depending on if whoever is staying home or going out), having a family or social life, figuring out how to shop and cook or otherwise provide themselves with food (even a “quick” restraint takes time, up to a half hour with windshield time), buy up-to date personal and work clothes, and everything else. Perhaps in time I might work up to this, though I must be honest, I am a bit dubious about the proposition. At least, that is, without some help.
Then again, I know a lot of men and women who are quite dependent upon each other to lead a successful life. I think that is the way it is supposed to be. It also means single parent families and double income families have a less likelihood of being capable of offering the type of lifestyle I am hoping for. I must admit, realizing my weaknesses and honestly assessing my hopes for life, I see many shortcomings. So, I work hard and then try to work even harder. But, damn, I am so very tired right now. *gasp* My goal today, staying up to 22:00, getting the movies back, and doing a little research on a few final items.
Oh, and I had best take the movies back. I realized after blogging last night that it was probably too late to take the movies back. Since they are late, I do not like leaving them in the drop-off, preferring instead to pay for the late fees and bring them in personally. That will give me a reason to freshen up and leave the house though, so it is not all bad.
I must admit, I am perplexed as to how people stay up all day, working 8 or hours or more, commuting, grooming in the morning, grooming after work (to various degrees depending on if whoever is staying home or going out), having a family or social life, figuring out how to shop and cook or otherwise provide themselves with food (even a “quick” restraint takes time, up to a half hour with windshield time), buy up-to date personal and work clothes, and everything else. Perhaps in time I might work up to this, though I must be honest, I am a bit dubious about the proposition. At least, that is, without some help.
Then again, I know a lot of men and women who are quite dependent upon each other to lead a successful life. I think that is the way it is supposed to be. It also means single parent families and double income families have a less likelihood of being capable of offering the type of lifestyle I am hoping for. I must admit, realizing my weaknesses and honestly assessing my hopes for life, I see many shortcomings. So, I work hard and then try to work even harder. But, damn, I am so very tired right now. *gasp* My goal today, staying up to 22:00, getting the movies back, and doing a little research on a few final items.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Ok, a better than average day, for the week anyway.
I made it to church. Good. I decided against attempting to take the refuse to the landfill, realizing that being late Saturday afternoon, the landfill was probably not open. It ended up being a wise decision, as I had forgotten my wallet so that between driving back to get my wallet, realizing I needed to stop and pick up some money for the offering (and a bit just for the wallet and life), time became much tighter than it at first seemed. Had I successfully or not detoured more I would not have made it to church on time. As is, I was inside the church and seated a very healthy 10 minutes early (my usual target time).
I saw several of the gents I saw last week, a few I had not seen but know, and I also met the fellow who had asked me to contact him. I had made efforts to obtain his email address, but the sister I emailed for information did not seem to know him, or he was not coming up in her searches. This time I ensured I got his email address and I plan to write and set up a coffee hour. Come to think of it, there is another friend or two in the church I need to check up on. It has been a while since I have seen some of them, perhaps it is time.
After leaving church, and then speaking with some friends, I decided a drive was in order. I had initially thought I might go fishing, but it seemed too late, and I would have needed to change as well. I wanted to do something to help me stay awake and stretch my day out a bit. A drive it was. I drove out to see if the county firing range was above water yet. I doubted it would be, but then maybe the water had been lowered in that particular reservoir to open that shooting area. Even if the water had been lowered, I supposed it would still be too muddy to drive in. The worst case scenario was the truth, water was still very high, not having gone down or been lowered since last I checked. It was a fun drive and a nice day, so no real loss.
Returning home, I try to think up some things to do. I decided to try and call my mother. She did not answer her home phone, so I called her cell phone. No answer to that either. Hungry, I decide, I really have a want for food. Then I remember the fish! Can I cook them well? I try to recall how my mother does them, and then I consider how I prefer things, then I combine the ideas and start cooking. Very good, if I do say so myself! I am not so pleased with my cooking skills as I am with the taste of fine tasting fresh fish and a satisfied stomach. Though knowing that I can cook these fine fresh (hopefully soon to be) easy to catch foods is good news.
Well, I should go back a bit. Half-way through the cooking my mother calls me. Her phone tracks who called. She had been in the shower, a long day for her so she was enjoying it as more a want than just a need. Then, she had food cooking, so she finished her meal. She has been very busy, though life will begin slowing down for her. She has been helping a friend out, but she is becoming tired. I finished my cooking while talking with her. We got caught up on all of our doings, ensured we each knew the other understood we were loved, and just jabbered for a bit. I could tell she was very tired. So, finally, we bid each other goodnight with a final “I love you”.
Perfect. The fish cooled off just right while we talked. I realize I have stayed up all day, I have completed some new and old tasks, of course I have missed out on doing some things I had hoped to do. All in all, life is becoming successful. I am really going to try and push to get up in the morning and stay up all day, while still staying somewhat busy.
Oh, movies have to go back. They are late. The movies, all good within their genres and perhaps more, some better than others, are “Stardust” (fantasy) , “Gabriel”(religious concept, angelic “mythology”), “Live Free or Die Hard” (action), and “War” (action, with Jet Li and Jason Statham). I may or may not get to full reviews, but “Stardust” received a B/B+ all around, “Gabriel” received a B-/B but only within it’s niche, “Live Free or Die Harder” was a solid B+/A- definitely in it’s genre and I would debate on into general cinema mostly, and “War” was a good B-/B if mostly just within it’s style. I best get these back. Goodnight.
I saw several of the gents I saw last week, a few I had not seen but know, and I also met the fellow who had asked me to contact him. I had made efforts to obtain his email address, but the sister I emailed for information did not seem to know him, or he was not coming up in her searches. This time I ensured I got his email address and I plan to write and set up a coffee hour. Come to think of it, there is another friend or two in the church I need to check up on. It has been a while since I have seen some of them, perhaps it is time.
After leaving church, and then speaking with some friends, I decided a drive was in order. I had initially thought I might go fishing, but it seemed too late, and I would have needed to change as well. I wanted to do something to help me stay awake and stretch my day out a bit. A drive it was. I drove out to see if the county firing range was above water yet. I doubted it would be, but then maybe the water had been lowered in that particular reservoir to open that shooting area. Even if the water had been lowered, I supposed it would still be too muddy to drive in. The worst case scenario was the truth, water was still very high, not having gone down or been lowered since last I checked. It was a fun drive and a nice day, so no real loss.
Returning home, I try to think up some things to do. I decided to try and call my mother. She did not answer her home phone, so I called her cell phone. No answer to that either. Hungry, I decide, I really have a want for food. Then I remember the fish! Can I cook them well? I try to recall how my mother does them, and then I consider how I prefer things, then I combine the ideas and start cooking. Very good, if I do say so myself! I am not so pleased with my cooking skills as I am with the taste of fine tasting fresh fish and a satisfied stomach. Though knowing that I can cook these fine fresh (hopefully soon to be) easy to catch foods is good news.
Well, I should go back a bit. Half-way through the cooking my mother calls me. Her phone tracks who called. She had been in the shower, a long day for her so she was enjoying it as more a want than just a need. Then, she had food cooking, so she finished her meal. She has been very busy, though life will begin slowing down for her. She has been helping a friend out, but she is becoming tired. I finished my cooking while talking with her. We got caught up on all of our doings, ensured we each knew the other understood we were loved, and just jabbered for a bit. I could tell she was very tired. So, finally, we bid each other goodnight with a final “I love you”.
Perfect. The fish cooled off just right while we talked. I realize I have stayed up all day, I have completed some new and old tasks, of course I have missed out on doing some things I had hoped to do. All in all, life is becoming successful. I am really going to try and push to get up in the morning and stay up all day, while still staying somewhat busy.
Oh, movies have to go back. They are late. The movies, all good within their genres and perhaps more, some better than others, are “Stardust” (fantasy) , “Gabriel”(religious concept, angelic “mythology”), “Live Free or Die Hard” (action), and “War” (action, with Jet Li and Jason Statham). I may or may not get to full reviews, but “Stardust” received a B/B+ all around, “Gabriel” received a B-/B but only within it’s niche, “Live Free or Die Harder” was a solid B+/A- definitely in it’s genre and I would debate on into general cinema mostly, and “War” was a good B-/B if mostly just within it’s style. I best get these back. Goodnight.
Not bad, how to keep it going?
My lady friend stopped in this morning. A little company was helpful in waking up and staying awake. And, she brought breakfast makings, so I made breakfast. I had thought she would be by, but one cannot always tell with her. I prepared by sorting out the kitchen last evening, so I was ready. She prefers her “organic” eggs, “heritage” pork bacon, and such. Since I will not spend twice the price of already too high grocery prices for what I have no evidence is any more nutritious, she has learned to care for her preferences. I will eat the stuff, I just will not pay for it. As well, if she has no money, she is more than welcome to eat here, and whatever I have. So, it is not like I am stingy about food, or will not share.
In any case, we had a nice breakfast. She even brought a loaf of either artisan whole wheat or mixed grain. I cut half the florets from a broccoli stalk to be sautéed in butter, then have the scrambled eggs mixed with them. I cooked a large portion of the bacon, though not purely by my choosing. She had two types of bacon, one cured and smoked, and one merely cured. She had wished that I cook some of each, as she wished to sample both. However, she did not tell me this until I was nearly finished cooking nearly all of one of the packages. As is my general pattern, I do not prefer to open two packages at one time. Oh well. Still, it was pleasant. We ended up with scrambled eggs with broccoli florets, plenty of good thick old school bacon, toasted whole grain bread, an half avocado each, and she with coffee where I preferred chilled tea.
After that, a few games of backgammon to instill the fear of Man-flesh into her mind. After that, a Scrabble shakedown. Well, she did win a few of the backgammon games, so I do not feel too bad. By this time she was finished with her laundry, my kitchen was back in order (and better than it had been, happily), and she was ready to go home and sleep. So, that was that. Now, how to stay awake. I am just frazzled. I took my morning medicine, and I took my afternoon pills. Still, I feel like I could just collapse into a pile of goo. That would be Mr. (Mc)goo to you.
I might have to push things even more. I have to check a few things, but I think it is time I do more than try. Is that last famous last words, or is that me becoming a Jedi? *laughs* It is a Saturday, so I really want to go to church. I would also like to get some refuse out to the dump. This last clean up day left me with more than I could fit into the barrel on top of the trash being taken far earlier in the day than usual. It was the Mayor’s Pick-up or Clean-up day, so I think the garbage detail was trying to get a hustle on, starting early and moving fast. So, I need to get rid of some stuff.
But first, I need a shower. If I was not going to church, it would be no problem. And, I am not so concerned about the refuse messing up my situation, as most of it is dry goods (papers, newspapers, magazines, catalogues, and such). I wonder if I will be out of church in time to try to go fishing? Hmmm, maybe. I had hoped to go yesterday, but it just did not work out. Oh, yeah, I am starting to notice some physical differences due to working out. They are small, perhaps some might not notice at all. But the veins in my hands are much more pronounced, and the veins in my arms are beginning to make themselves know. My muscles do not feel bigger, or even tighter, however. Then again, what does two weeks earn me, the strength of a paper-boy or something? *grins*
In any case, we had a nice breakfast. She even brought a loaf of either artisan whole wheat or mixed grain. I cut half the florets from a broccoli stalk to be sautéed in butter, then have the scrambled eggs mixed with them. I cooked a large portion of the bacon, though not purely by my choosing. She had two types of bacon, one cured and smoked, and one merely cured. She had wished that I cook some of each, as she wished to sample both. However, she did not tell me this until I was nearly finished cooking nearly all of one of the packages. As is my general pattern, I do not prefer to open two packages at one time. Oh well. Still, it was pleasant. We ended up with scrambled eggs with broccoli florets, plenty of good thick old school bacon, toasted whole grain bread, an half avocado each, and she with coffee where I preferred chilled tea.
After that, a few games of backgammon to instill the fear of Man-flesh into her mind. After that, a Scrabble shakedown. Well, she did win a few of the backgammon games, so I do not feel too bad. By this time she was finished with her laundry, my kitchen was back in order (and better than it had been, happily), and she was ready to go home and sleep. So, that was that. Now, how to stay awake. I am just frazzled. I took my morning medicine, and I took my afternoon pills. Still, I feel like I could just collapse into a pile of goo. That would be Mr. (Mc)goo to you.
I might have to push things even more. I have to check a few things, but I think it is time I do more than try. Is that last famous last words, or is that me becoming a Jedi? *laughs* It is a Saturday, so I really want to go to church. I would also like to get some refuse out to the dump. This last clean up day left me with more than I could fit into the barrel on top of the trash being taken far earlier in the day than usual. It was the Mayor’s Pick-up or Clean-up day, so I think the garbage detail was trying to get a hustle on, starting early and moving fast. So, I need to get rid of some stuff.
But first, I need a shower. If I was not going to church, it would be no problem. And, I am not so concerned about the refuse messing up my situation, as most of it is dry goods (papers, newspapers, magazines, catalogues, and such). I wonder if I will be out of church in time to try to go fishing? Hmmm, maybe. I had hoped to go yesterday, but it just did not work out. Oh, yeah, I am starting to notice some physical differences due to working out. They are small, perhaps some might not notice at all. But the veins in my hands are much more pronounced, and the veins in my arms are beginning to make themselves know. My muscles do not feel bigger, or even tighter, however. Then again, what does two weeks earn me, the strength of a paper-boy or something? *grins*
Friday, May 16, 2008
Two weeks of exercising.
After a lot of years of nothing, two weeks almost seems like an accomplishment. The work out is becoming more challenging, and again I find that I am becoming nervous. It is not as bad as the first two sessions, both of which I feared greatly. This is more of a feeling that I could just stop working out. It would be easy to do, there are excuses (if poor ones). I do not think I will quit, and if I mess up, I will get back into it. Between feeling stretched after the work outs and yet not feeling like I have made gains, I think those two thoughts are what cause me doubt. I am just grumbling or, more, voicing my concern and identifying the sources of my concern. Perhaps that will help, perhaps it is irrelevant.
I did a number of things I had hoped to get done this week, yet there are many things that are slipping through my fingers. I need to place a call to check on some needed gear, a weekday thing you know. I have not further investigated my birth mother’s contact information, probably, again, a weekday thing. There are several other tasks, as well. Not being able to wake in the morning has made becoming alert fast enough when I do awake in the afternoon a bit of a trick. Still, I think I will need to begin keeping a list, or three. One list for things I can actually do. A list for those things I am trying to do. And a final list for things I need, contact information once I obtain it, and perhaps intermediate tracking of the other lists. Yes, it might get a bit confusing, but using several separate stapled together sheets should help, and I think I need to keep several lists or it could become unmanageable.
Oh, right, a few more things to do. I need to begin hitting the trails, bowling, and doing push -ups. Monday? Maybe, yeah, or tomorrow. I will just have to see.
I have received some very good news. It sounds as if the off-road club would easily be able to plan a “stock” trip for the days indicated. Apparently it is early enough that this should be easy, and it sounds like there are willing participants! From what I have heard, the higher passes should be snow free (or free enough) for a good go at them. I am not yet sure how this will work out, or where we might go, but I am excited. Since I will not be able to access a computer… wait, my cell phone does email, and internet actually. Hmmm, still, I ought to figure out who would be willing to exchange phone numbers as the trip is finalizing.
Argh! Bah, it is good. I am nervous about money, I am nervous about timing, I am anxious about the whereabouts of a mom gone missing, and I am tired. Good, it gives me something to complain about, get fired up about, and push to solve. So, so, just… leave me alone! :p
I did a number of things I had hoped to get done this week, yet there are many things that are slipping through my fingers. I need to place a call to check on some needed gear, a weekday thing you know. I have not further investigated my birth mother’s contact information, probably, again, a weekday thing. There are several other tasks, as well. Not being able to wake in the morning has made becoming alert fast enough when I do awake in the afternoon a bit of a trick. Still, I think I will need to begin keeping a list, or three. One list for things I can actually do. A list for those things I am trying to do. And a final list for things I need, contact information once I obtain it, and perhaps intermediate tracking of the other lists. Yes, it might get a bit confusing, but using several separate stapled together sheets should help, and I think I need to keep several lists or it could become unmanageable.
Oh, right, a few more things to do. I need to begin hitting the trails, bowling, and doing push -ups. Monday? Maybe, yeah, or tomorrow. I will just have to see.
I have received some very good news. It sounds as if the off-road club would easily be able to plan a “stock” trip for the days indicated. Apparently it is early enough that this should be easy, and it sounds like there are willing participants! From what I have heard, the higher passes should be snow free (or free enough) for a good go at them. I am not yet sure how this will work out, or where we might go, but I am excited. Since I will not be able to access a computer… wait, my cell phone does email, and internet actually. Hmmm, still, I ought to figure out who would be willing to exchange phone numbers as the trip is finalizing.
Argh! Bah, it is good. I am nervous about money, I am nervous about timing, I am anxious about the whereabouts of a mom gone missing, and I am tired. Good, it gives me something to complain about, get fired up about, and push to solve. So, so, just… leave me alone! :p
A tough week, I am not sure how to break the cycle.
This week has been brutal. I will also say that in spite of it being a week of exhaustion, I did more this week than I have at times during peak times prior to this new regimen. I suppose that is good, but it shows me how hard digging out from 20 years is going to be. I have lifestyle issues, I have health issues from my disabling conditions (I believe there are two problems, trauma and that odd super need for sleep) to being out of shape, as well as not having enough education or experience to just pick something up and begin being professional, or even earning money or providing services, etc. I looked into charity work, but much of it is very light weight work offering only a few hours a day. Now, I understand that it needs to be, but for someone who can move hundreds of pounds physically and has some mathematical skills up to engineering calculus III, it is difficult to connect with very light simple tasks. I am a people person, but not in as heavy a way as might be needed in some of the other tasks.
So, what I am left with is finding things I like to do, and then doing them. Most frequently, I need to do them alone. This is complicated, it can be expensive, and I can usually only go so far in any skill, interest, or hobby before I come up against too many unknowns to feasibly learn more independently. Fishing is a skill, some of it may be understood through reading, some of it can be gained by experience, but much of it almost requires a guide. Hunting is similar. And, almost anything is better with some company. Yes, I am grumbling. But never worry, I am still working on these things.
I am just a bit frustrated. I cannot seem to get out of bed on time in the mornings. I set my alarm, and I try to get to bed as early as I can. I try to push, and I have been taking at least my morning medicines regularly and well. Even when I am awake and doing things, I am quite often very tired. Then again, if this is an actual low, it is miles above the “best” low I have ever had. I am doing my weights, doing laundry, cleaning up, reading (about pi right now), maintaining my blog, and still finding other reasons and ways to get out of the house, on top of planning for my trip. Yeah, ok, perhaps I should be tired given I do have an issue with exhaustion and I have been busy. But darn it, I am Super Man, right?
So, what I am left with is finding things I like to do, and then doing them. Most frequently, I need to do them alone. This is complicated, it can be expensive, and I can usually only go so far in any skill, interest, or hobby before I come up against too many unknowns to feasibly learn more independently. Fishing is a skill, some of it may be understood through reading, some of it can be gained by experience, but much of it almost requires a guide. Hunting is similar. And, almost anything is better with some company. Yes, I am grumbling. But never worry, I am still working on these things.
I am just a bit frustrated. I cannot seem to get out of bed on time in the mornings. I set my alarm, and I try to get to bed as early as I can. I try to push, and I have been taking at least my morning medicines regularly and well. Even when I am awake and doing things, I am quite often very tired. Then again, if this is an actual low, it is miles above the “best” low I have ever had. I am doing my weights, doing laundry, cleaning up, reading (about pi right now), maintaining my blog, and still finding other reasons and ways to get out of the house, on top of planning for my trip. Yeah, ok, perhaps I should be tired given I do have an issue with exhaustion and I have been busy. But darn it, I am Super Man, right?
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Not the best starting day, again.
A late rise. I did not wake until 14:00 or so. And, it has been a struggle waking up. Thankfully a friend needed my drill and some muscle. I think I got that arranged as required, and then since I happened to have some buckets, and they needed them, I drove home and then delivered them to the friend. Now, I am waiting for my neighbor to return home so that we might get out fishing. This week’s fishing report is out, but I am not sure where to find that. I may have to take a peek around the web and see if I can locate it.
I did have a bit of a party last night. I started out with two beers, and then had more, so simple yet not. At least I did not (I do not think), blog anything odd or offensive, send any emails, or any other such rubbish. And, the beer was quite good. For some reason, it just went down the tube like the fantasy of beer drinking might indicate.
I have already started receiving some of what I ordered. This is great, especially since I did not order fast delivery. I now have a fleece pullover, water shoes (though I already have scuba boots, I thought the shoes are better for this type of thing), 5 big cans of dehydrated foods (beef based, plus an extra just beef can, in case they were beef stingy), several over-the-fire cook items (a couple of stainless still handled grill baskets and a couple of handled cast iron “pie” (or sandwich) cookers), a few more camp pillows, several lengths of rope, and four ratcheting cargo straps. Bit by bit, this is coming together. I know I will probably want a water reservoir as well, 5 to 10 gallons, preferably steel, with several options in how to fill and then access the water in the container.
I suspect, however, that as I begin camping and checking out the equipment, I will always think of something else. Much of it is not necessary, so at this point, I really have to start looking at whether the items are actually useful for actual survival, real and functional utility, and as a last possibility whether the item has real and functional comfort properties. Roughing it is exactly that, yet dying does not sound fun while a chauffeured outing is just as out. Only experience, gained in successes and failures, will lead me to this knowledge.
If, in my fishing today, I find some significant success, I may begin going more, on my own. I am also hoping to find campfire rings where we fish. I would really like to catch a few fish and try out the stainless steel grill baskets, cooking a fish or two in them. I suspect some salt and perhaps a spray bottle filled with olive oil might lend themselves nicely to the deal (oh, and a pepper grinder). I just want to see how well it actually works. Of course, I am starting to become unsure if we will be fishing tonight, it is getting late. It happens, or does not, at times and as the case may be.
I did have a bit of a party last night. I started out with two beers, and then had more, so simple yet not. At least I did not (I do not think), blog anything odd or offensive, send any emails, or any other such rubbish. And, the beer was quite good. For some reason, it just went down the tube like the fantasy of beer drinking might indicate.
I have already started receiving some of what I ordered. This is great, especially since I did not order fast delivery. I now have a fleece pullover, water shoes (though I already have scuba boots, I thought the shoes are better for this type of thing), 5 big cans of dehydrated foods (beef based, plus an extra just beef can, in case they were beef stingy), several over-the-fire cook items (a couple of stainless still handled grill baskets and a couple of handled cast iron “pie” (or sandwich) cookers), a few more camp pillows, several lengths of rope, and four ratcheting cargo straps. Bit by bit, this is coming together. I know I will probably want a water reservoir as well, 5 to 10 gallons, preferably steel, with several options in how to fill and then access the water in the container.
I suspect, however, that as I begin camping and checking out the equipment, I will always think of something else. Much of it is not necessary, so at this point, I really have to start looking at whether the items are actually useful for actual survival, real and functional utility, and as a last possibility whether the item has real and functional comfort properties. Roughing it is exactly that, yet dying does not sound fun while a chauffeured outing is just as out. Only experience, gained in successes and failures, will lead me to this knowledge.
If, in my fishing today, I find some significant success, I may begin going more, on my own. I am also hoping to find campfire rings where we fish. I would really like to catch a few fish and try out the stainless steel grill baskets, cooking a fish or two in them. I suspect some salt and perhaps a spray bottle filled with olive oil might lend themselves nicely to the deal (oh, and a pepper grinder). I just want to see how well it actually works. Of course, I am starting to become unsure if we will be fishing tonight, it is getting late. It happens, or does not, at times and as the case may be.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
I just cannot keep things going.
I was awake late last night finishing all but a few of the remaining dishes (a pot and a utensil had been overlooked) and finalizing the kitchen to within a reasonable standard. I went to bed, setting my alarms. I heard them, and turned the first off, while resetting the second one. I either did not hear the second (reset) alarm go off, or I reset it incorrectly. Thankfully, I heard the doorbell, and was up and out of bed, dressed and at the door, quickly enough so that there was no incident. We did get to the area I had hoped to have dug into last week. It is much neater, the old and unwanted papers, magazines, and catalogues have been tossed or shredded and the necessary material has been collected and will be sorted shortly. Work was easier this time, but it was just as necessary.
After she exited my abode, the home health assistant that is, I realized I was still quite tired. I struggled to stay awake as long as possible, hoping to get my work-out completed before then reconsidering a nap. I just could not make the cut. After a goodly but, in finality, futile effort, I ended up napping. I would guess I napped for several hours. My landlord knocked on the door and introduced me to my new neighbor. She seems to be a younger woman, perhaps in her early to mid twenties. She has a daughter in third grade, and a baby on the way. What other particulars she posses and which surround her, I do not know. She seems like a decent enough person. I will just have to see how this all works out. At least I do not feel she is a threat, I only hope any love interests of hers are as feasible regarding civility.
I wanted to go back to bed, but I refused. I stayed up, just tinkering for a bit. I ate a bowl of cold cereal, and contemplated my day. I had wanted to go bowling, but that just is not in the cards. I received some email back, some of which is being considered, some of which is a negative which will have to be handled in it’s own way. I just stumbled through a few more hours of barely hanging on to consciousness. I knew that if I did not push, and hard, I would not get to my workout today. So, push I did. I first found some clean workout wear, dressed, found my timer (for my rests) and placed it appropriately, then I warmed up with a few very light exercises. I got in and did it, though it took me nearly a full 45 minutes this time. I can push it, and have it done in less than 30 minutes, but that does not feel right. Though a full 45 minutes indicates I was dogging it, too. Given the deal, I was happy to get the lifting done, so I really will not complain.
I am not sure what this evening will bring. However, I am hoping to watch a movie or two, take back some movies, fix some dinner, buy some groceries, and do some final cleaning. Either that, or just take another nap. I am so very tired. Perhaps I will split the difference, take the movies back, grab some salad makings, and just tinker. Yeah, I think so. If nothing else, it will get me out of the house, even if it for nothing more than groceries. I do have tomorrow evening to look forward too, my neighbor has asked me to go fishing. I am not sure if he and his family are to go, which parts of it, or if it’s an adult fishing expedition. I am happy in any case. When the kids throw rocks in the water, it is a short lived attention getting thing, and I remember the days when I did the same thing. I would also like to do something else tomorrow. Perhaps I can go bowling earlier in the day.
Why am I trying to push? Well, I suppose having two to three weeks on the road looking me in the face is leading me to push a bit. That is, indeed, the short term specter. The long term ghost that haunts me is my long past of inability and exhaustion. I really need to push past this. Even with Ritalin, I am barely able to walk some days (though, in comparison to my past, I AM able to get out of bed now). The psychotropics never did work, so I lost faith in the initial diagnosis (plural, the diagnosis flipped like doctor pathogen fashions or something). I guess, only in working with a single doctor over a long period of time has a reasonable diagnosis been proffered, and treated. If the treatment is not perfect, it is a better fit than what I have had to date. As well, some syndromes are not well indicated for treatment. Perhaps this is as good as it gets. But wait, let me push, and with the bit the medicine is helping, as I do get fit, let me re-evaluate. Perhaps I am too hopeful, perhaps my faith is ill advised, perhaps I am a fool. I tell you this, I would rather live with hope than give up and die. As I have said, even if I ultimately fail, how can I lose by continuing on?
Oh, thinly sliced roast beef, heated then having slices of cheddar cheese melted on top, set in a kaiser bun, with a bowl of buttered vegetables, a glass of milk, and who knows what (freshly brewed, then iced, ginger peach tea is what!), I believe, sounds like supper to me. I am so hungry! See ya.
After she exited my abode, the home health assistant that is, I realized I was still quite tired. I struggled to stay awake as long as possible, hoping to get my work-out completed before then reconsidering a nap. I just could not make the cut. After a goodly but, in finality, futile effort, I ended up napping. I would guess I napped for several hours. My landlord knocked on the door and introduced me to my new neighbor. She seems to be a younger woman, perhaps in her early to mid twenties. She has a daughter in third grade, and a baby on the way. What other particulars she posses and which surround her, I do not know. She seems like a decent enough person. I will just have to see how this all works out. At least I do not feel she is a threat, I only hope any love interests of hers are as feasible regarding civility.
I wanted to go back to bed, but I refused. I stayed up, just tinkering for a bit. I ate a bowl of cold cereal, and contemplated my day. I had wanted to go bowling, but that just is not in the cards. I received some email back, some of which is being considered, some of which is a negative which will have to be handled in it’s own way. I just stumbled through a few more hours of barely hanging on to consciousness. I knew that if I did not push, and hard, I would not get to my workout today. So, push I did. I first found some clean workout wear, dressed, found my timer (for my rests) and placed it appropriately, then I warmed up with a few very light exercises. I got in and did it, though it took me nearly a full 45 minutes this time. I can push it, and have it done in less than 30 minutes, but that does not feel right. Though a full 45 minutes indicates I was dogging it, too. Given the deal, I was happy to get the lifting done, so I really will not complain.
I am not sure what this evening will bring. However, I am hoping to watch a movie or two, take back some movies, fix some dinner, buy some groceries, and do some final cleaning. Either that, or just take another nap. I am so very tired. Perhaps I will split the difference, take the movies back, grab some salad makings, and just tinker. Yeah, I think so. If nothing else, it will get me out of the house, even if it for nothing more than groceries. I do have tomorrow evening to look forward too, my neighbor has asked me to go fishing. I am not sure if he and his family are to go, which parts of it, or if it’s an adult fishing expedition. I am happy in any case. When the kids throw rocks in the water, it is a short lived attention getting thing, and I remember the days when I did the same thing. I would also like to do something else tomorrow. Perhaps I can go bowling earlier in the day.
Why am I trying to push? Well, I suppose having two to three weeks on the road looking me in the face is leading me to push a bit. That is, indeed, the short term specter. The long term ghost that haunts me is my long past of inability and exhaustion. I really need to push past this. Even with Ritalin, I am barely able to walk some days (though, in comparison to my past, I AM able to get out of bed now). The psychotropics never did work, so I lost faith in the initial diagnosis (plural, the diagnosis flipped like doctor pathogen fashions or something). I guess, only in working with a single doctor over a long period of time has a reasonable diagnosis been proffered, and treated. If the treatment is not perfect, it is a better fit than what I have had to date. As well, some syndromes are not well indicated for treatment. Perhaps this is as good as it gets. But wait, let me push, and with the bit the medicine is helping, as I do get fit, let me re-evaluate. Perhaps I am too hopeful, perhaps my faith is ill advised, perhaps I am a fool. I tell you this, I would rather live with hope than give up and die. As I have said, even if I ultimately fail, how can I lose by continuing on?
Oh, thinly sliced roast beef, heated then having slices of cheddar cheese melted on top, set in a kaiser bun, with a bowl of buttered vegetables, a glass of milk, and who knows what (freshly brewed, then iced, ginger peach tea is what!), I believe, sounds like supper to me. I am so hungry! See ya.
A day of uncertainty.
I went to bed at 3:00 last night, perhaps 3:30. Today is an off day, no exercises, though I had hoped to go bowling, and I probably intended to sleep in. No such luck, as life would have it. At precisely 5:59, my lady friend called to make sure I was awake. Oddly, my phone only rang through twice (or did I just hear the last two rings, drats, I had not considered that until now). Of course, in two real or heard rings, in the dark, finding my phone is good, answering it is asking a bit much. So, I listened to her stupid message indicating that she wishes my driving services at 8:00, and I then went back to sleep, promptly I might add. *ring, ring* An hour later, two more rings. I again, of course, miss the phone. Being both tired And bothered now, my chances at even finding the phone in two rings have dwindled to nil. Arghhh! This woman hates me (and, she does)! This time, as I lay my head to rest again, the phone goes off again. Another stupid message. I think I just erased it, waiting for her to call me at a more respectable hour. The next thing I know, the phone is ringing again. Wait, that is not the phone, that is the doorbell.
So, I jump out of bed, yell an “I am coming”, only to hear a hail of extra doorbell buzzes or rings or whatever sound the stupid device delivers to my frayed nerves and sleep deprived neurons, which feel like they are being shocked and assaulted from the minute fuzz in my ear canal, sticking out from my inner-ear skin all the way to my sleep achy brain, then through out my body. She has to be female. Anyway, after I let her know I am coming, and she acknowledges this by assaulting me, I rush back to my room and oddly dress. Arms and arm holes do not work out right. My shirt somehow gets half inside out and half right side out, and then backwards I think. Another hail of attacks on my neuro-net, while I am finding my pants and trying to get them on. Feeling like I must have made the poor dear wait in the pouring rain or the drastic cold, I rush to the door to find a little contented woman looking at me as if she had just so softly tapped on the door, standing in the beautiful warm and dry morning. I honestly do not think that woman gets it. Anyway, I throw the bolt and then turn the lock, I open the door and back in to allow her entrance and she says “I was just making sure you were up, I need to change clothes and get breakfast.”! No, she does not get it. I think she notes a small bit of disturbance in my force, so she amends her words. “No, indeed, I will not go for breakfast, we will eat together later. Still, I will go home and change my clothes. I will be back in a bit, be ready.”. *slam* The woman needs a broom! (I did infer that tonight, to which she gained some small joy)
So, she returns and I realize what I have been roped into. She desires a driver, one more time, to pick up her glasses. Fine, fine, so off we go. She asks, however, and right before we leave, for a blanket and pillow. That done, she climbs into the back seating area and promptly falls asleep. We get down there, and pick up her glasses (and I buy a pair of sunglasses which will sit atop my glasses, both for the rafting and for the general road trip). We then head back to our town. On the way, she has me look for a breakfast place. Eggs, hashbrowns, and coffee would be enough for her, so long as it is not fast food (she is a socialist and libtard, McDonalds is eeewwwilll). So be it, I pick my battles, and this is not one of them. Fast food breakfast are not my favorite, so no real loss. There is not a single place on the way back, so we stop at her favored spot in town and commence to consume. After that, I drive home, she hops in her vehicle and heads home from here, and that is that.
Still being quite tired, I think about sleeping. No, there are things I need to do. And, to help stay awake and do a few things, I head out of the house and to a local outdoors rigging store. I have looked online for some things, so I want to give the locals a shot. With shipping, but less tax, the locals come out the favored, so I buy a few things I have been eyeballing for years now. An MSR multi-fuel stove, a few minor cooking items, a Katadyn pocket water filter, a camp pillow, some plastic silverware, a couple of stainless bottles for water, and a few other odds and ends. When I arrive home, and fondle my goodies, I decide to try and make some contacts.
One contact is local, so I write an email to an mutual acquaintance who might have the contact or who might know someone who does have the information. I still await results there. After that, I attempt to find the Off-Road club I had been in contact with over a number of months last year. Unfortunately they are gone. However, another group, more broadly based on all Nissan offroad vehicles, has sort of taken over the role the Xterra club had been filling. So, I joined their forums, left a post in their noob category letting them know a bit about me, asking about their schedule and letting them know of my interest and possible dates for meeting or driving with one or many of them, and now I am awaiting something there.
After that, I decided to begin tracking down a farmer john. After much looking, and looking at the capacity (temperature wise, and in sizing), turning down this as too cheap, that as too small, this as too thin, that as… Well, I did get lucky, I think. I found the item I needed, added a multi hanger for the extra gear (diving gloves, cape (if I get one), and diving boots), diving suit shampoo, a hanger for the suit itself, and a rash guard, all for a price I consider reasonable after several hours of searching (actually, I have been looking at farmer john wetsuits since last years white-water considerations). I think I will order 5 various cans of freeze-dried food, some sleeping bag gear, and perhaps another ice chest, and I will be pretty much ready (other than, of course, some fresh foods on my way out of town, or on road on the way, lodging, gas, rafting expenses, and a few other odd holes to be put in my head). *laughs* Oh, I have probably spent a bit more than I had initially thought I would need to spend, but it is within my limits, and easily. As well, next year will be easier. I suspect climbing rope, some other climbing gear, and a hammock tent will be next year’s big expenses, along with gas, lodging, and rafting costs, oh and most likely a adventurer’s canoe. *sigh* Perhaps, one expensive summer at a time, eh?
I still was unable to locate mother number three. I am a bit worried, though if she put her phone on the unlisted side, moved, married, or some other things, well, she is probably fine. I may have a trick to finding her. I thought of this today, knowing her maiden name (which she had been using until recently), and where some of our name-sake relatives live, I might try calling around in that city (a whole other state). It came to me too late to attempt it, politely, this evening. Tomorrow I will try again.
Oh, for some reason my lady friend stopped by this evening. She said she was avoiding her landlady who was arriving as my friend was about to go home after her (free) work in some organic garden (while she is deeply in debt, having to pay her own gas to that farm, not getting paid except for receiving vegetables in season, while she complains about being in debt and could be working for actual cash money, socialists!). Anywho, I invited her in and offered to share a pizza. Beside her buying me several fine meals lately (if I have spent gas, it has been a smaller thing then her generosity by far), she just looked to need to be treated kindly. So, I thought of food and said nothing about my usual topics (communism, socialism, feminism, or her foolish counter-productive ill conceived work ethic). She had been hungry, so it was settled. A prayer over the meal together, as is my usual which she usually shares, sometimes does not participate in, and then we enjoyed the thing. She thought it was bedtime, so out the door she went, at my insistence. She will be glad, later, when she realizes she got a little sleep instead of goofing on my computer for three hours, or four, or five. (No, her interest in staying longer was not an indication she is “interested”. We are good friends, but that is not in either of our ways these days. Still, it was cute of you to imagine it.)
I am very tired, and it is rather late, yet I wish to do dishes so that, for the first time, the lady that arrives tomorrow may focus on other areas for cleaning. I wish to be up early, but this is going to be tough. I have been doing well, if my schedule is becoming lopsided to later day rather then banker's hours days. As well, if not up as long and strong as I wish, I have been pushing forward, not letting go, and doing all that I can plus stretching my capacity a good deal. We will just have to see. This could turn around and hit me hard. It is sort of like the idea of a rocket, can the thing reach critical velocity to leave the gravitational pull with enough thrust yet remaining to exit the Earth’s gravitational pull and angle away, or stay in a stable orbit? Well, can I… punk? I do not know.
So, I jump out of bed, yell an “I am coming”, only to hear a hail of extra doorbell buzzes or rings or whatever sound the stupid device delivers to my frayed nerves and sleep deprived neurons, which feel like they are being shocked and assaulted from the minute fuzz in my ear canal, sticking out from my inner-ear skin all the way to my sleep achy brain, then through out my body. She has to be female. Anyway, after I let her know I am coming, and she acknowledges this by assaulting me, I rush back to my room and oddly dress. Arms and arm holes do not work out right. My shirt somehow gets half inside out and half right side out, and then backwards I think. Another hail of attacks on my neuro-net, while I am finding my pants and trying to get them on. Feeling like I must have made the poor dear wait in the pouring rain or the drastic cold, I rush to the door to find a little contented woman looking at me as if she had just so softly tapped on the door, standing in the beautiful warm and dry morning. I honestly do not think that woman gets it. Anyway, I throw the bolt and then turn the lock, I open the door and back in to allow her entrance and she says “I was just making sure you were up, I need to change clothes and get breakfast.”! No, she does not get it. I think she notes a small bit of disturbance in my force, so she amends her words. “No, indeed, I will not go for breakfast, we will eat together later. Still, I will go home and change my clothes. I will be back in a bit, be ready.”. *slam* The woman needs a broom! (I did infer that tonight, to which she gained some small joy)
So, she returns and I realize what I have been roped into. She desires a driver, one more time, to pick up her glasses. Fine, fine, so off we go. She asks, however, and right before we leave, for a blanket and pillow. That done, she climbs into the back seating area and promptly falls asleep. We get down there, and pick up her glasses (and I buy a pair of sunglasses which will sit atop my glasses, both for the rafting and for the general road trip). We then head back to our town. On the way, she has me look for a breakfast place. Eggs, hashbrowns, and coffee would be enough for her, so long as it is not fast food (she is a socialist and libtard, McDonalds is eeewwwilll). So be it, I pick my battles, and this is not one of them. Fast food breakfast are not my favorite, so no real loss. There is not a single place on the way back, so we stop at her favored spot in town and commence to consume. After that, I drive home, she hops in her vehicle and heads home from here, and that is that.
Still being quite tired, I think about sleeping. No, there are things I need to do. And, to help stay awake and do a few things, I head out of the house and to a local outdoors rigging store. I have looked online for some things, so I want to give the locals a shot. With shipping, but less tax, the locals come out the favored, so I buy a few things I have been eyeballing for years now. An MSR multi-fuel stove, a few minor cooking items, a Katadyn pocket water filter, a camp pillow, some plastic silverware, a couple of stainless bottles for water, and a few other odds and ends. When I arrive home, and fondle my goodies, I decide to try and make some contacts.
One contact is local, so I write an email to an mutual acquaintance who might have the contact or who might know someone who does have the information. I still await results there. After that, I attempt to find the Off-Road club I had been in contact with over a number of months last year. Unfortunately they are gone. However, another group, more broadly based on all Nissan offroad vehicles, has sort of taken over the role the Xterra club had been filling. So, I joined their forums, left a post in their noob category letting them know a bit about me, asking about their schedule and letting them know of my interest and possible dates for meeting or driving with one or many of them, and now I am awaiting something there.
After that, I decided to begin tracking down a farmer john. After much looking, and looking at the capacity (temperature wise, and in sizing), turning down this as too cheap, that as too small, this as too thin, that as… Well, I did get lucky, I think. I found the item I needed, added a multi hanger for the extra gear (diving gloves, cape (if I get one), and diving boots), diving suit shampoo, a hanger for the suit itself, and a rash guard, all for a price I consider reasonable after several hours of searching (actually, I have been looking at farmer john wetsuits since last years white-water considerations). I think I will order 5 various cans of freeze-dried food, some sleeping bag gear, and perhaps another ice chest, and I will be pretty much ready (other than, of course, some fresh foods on my way out of town, or on road on the way, lodging, gas, rafting expenses, and a few other odd holes to be put in my head). *laughs* Oh, I have probably spent a bit more than I had initially thought I would need to spend, but it is within my limits, and easily. As well, next year will be easier. I suspect climbing rope, some other climbing gear, and a hammock tent will be next year’s big expenses, along with gas, lodging, and rafting costs, oh and most likely a adventurer’s canoe. *sigh* Perhaps, one expensive summer at a time, eh?
I still was unable to locate mother number three. I am a bit worried, though if she put her phone on the unlisted side, moved, married, or some other things, well, she is probably fine. I may have a trick to finding her. I thought of this today, knowing her maiden name (which she had been using until recently), and where some of our name-sake relatives live, I might try calling around in that city (a whole other state). It came to me too late to attempt it, politely, this evening. Tomorrow I will try again.
Oh, for some reason my lady friend stopped by this evening. She said she was avoiding her landlady who was arriving as my friend was about to go home after her (free) work in some organic garden (while she is deeply in debt, having to pay her own gas to that farm, not getting paid except for receiving vegetables in season, while she complains about being in debt and could be working for actual cash money, socialists!). Anywho, I invited her in and offered to share a pizza. Beside her buying me several fine meals lately (if I have spent gas, it has been a smaller thing then her generosity by far), she just looked to need to be treated kindly. So, I thought of food and said nothing about my usual topics (communism, socialism, feminism, or her foolish counter-productive ill conceived work ethic). She had been hungry, so it was settled. A prayer over the meal together, as is my usual which she usually shares, sometimes does not participate in, and then we enjoyed the thing. She thought it was bedtime, so out the door she went, at my insistence. She will be glad, later, when she realizes she got a little sleep instead of goofing on my computer for three hours, or four, or five. (No, her interest in staying longer was not an indication she is “interested”. We are good friends, but that is not in either of our ways these days. Still, it was cute of you to imagine it.)
I am very tired, and it is rather late, yet I wish to do dishes so that, for the first time, the lady that arrives tomorrow may focus on other areas for cleaning. I wish to be up early, but this is going to be tough. I have been doing well, if my schedule is becoming lopsided to later day rather then banker's hours days. As well, if not up as long and strong as I wish, I have been pushing forward, not letting go, and doing all that I can plus stretching my capacity a good deal. We will just have to see. This could turn around and hit me hard. It is sort of like the idea of a rocket, can the thing reach critical velocity to leave the gravitational pull with enough thrust yet remaining to exit the Earth’s gravitational pull and angle away, or stay in a stable orbit? Well, can I… punk? I do not know.
Monday, May 12, 2008
A great meal, a good day, if not the best of days.
I was not able to get up and running well today. I did not wake until after 13:00. It took a great deal of time to fully awaken and shake the cold and lethargy of sleep. I had hoped to get some cleaning done, work out, play the piano, go bowling, then be ready for our cook-out tonight. Though I did work out, play piano, and have a great dinner with the neighbors, I missed the rest. I can bowl tomorrow and I can clean either after this or tomorrow. I did finish a few emails which I needed to send off. Though I failed to make contact (or even find contact information) with my 3rd Mother. As well, I have yet to contact the Xterra club.
The meal was quite pleasant. They have a number of children, so there is always sound and movement. One of the children is in a cast, they all want attention, and they are all curious yet short of attention span. This, far from being a negative, is part of what I enjoy about sharing meals with the family. It, when I think of a family, is the organic social contact which I seek. I know it is not perfect, it can be over-whelming, it is not going to be easy, but it is priceless and good. The steaks were good, though perhaps a little under-done. No one wanted their steak cooked longer, though that might have been from exhaustion. Honestly though, I did not get the sense of dissatisfaction. Along with this, potatoes, salad, shrimp with cocktail dip, and dessert filled out the meal wonderfully. I so rarely do a complete meal, that this was a real treat.
Between them corralling kids, setting places, talking, and all of us cooking, the evening flowed pleasantly. Eventually, after the meal was complete, dishes and such were tended, and a bit more talk, several of the children hit bedtime. The house started to noticeably cool and slow down. Those of us remaining watched a (divo) recorder version of “The Office” (or something like that). Though I rarely watch tv, they had introduced this show to me some time back. Then, not long ago, I had been watching one of the shows, then it was interrupted by a call (I think it is an oddly funny show). Since they had it, and they enjoyed that one, we watched it, this time all the way through. Midway through, their neighbors dropped in, first just one of the parents, then the other, then the other, finally both of them dropped in and watched the last half of the show with us.
It was a good evening. There was more, but that is mine, for now. I will let you know if something of a lead begins to bear fruit. I will not be too mysterious, but just saying there is something, perhaps, in the works. Now I leave you. Have a good night and be well.
The meal was quite pleasant. They have a number of children, so there is always sound and movement. One of the children is in a cast, they all want attention, and they are all curious yet short of attention span. This, far from being a negative, is part of what I enjoy about sharing meals with the family. It, when I think of a family, is the organic social contact which I seek. I know it is not perfect, it can be over-whelming, it is not going to be easy, but it is priceless and good. The steaks were good, though perhaps a little under-done. No one wanted their steak cooked longer, though that might have been from exhaustion. Honestly though, I did not get the sense of dissatisfaction. Along with this, potatoes, salad, shrimp with cocktail dip, and dessert filled out the meal wonderfully. I so rarely do a complete meal, that this was a real treat.
Between them corralling kids, setting places, talking, and all of us cooking, the evening flowed pleasantly. Eventually, after the meal was complete, dishes and such were tended, and a bit more talk, several of the children hit bedtime. The house started to noticeably cool and slow down. Those of us remaining watched a (divo) recorder version of “The Office” (or something like that). Though I rarely watch tv, they had introduced this show to me some time back. Then, not long ago, I had been watching one of the shows, then it was interrupted by a call (I think it is an oddly funny show). Since they had it, and they enjoyed that one, we watched it, this time all the way through. Midway through, their neighbors dropped in, first just one of the parents, then the other, then the other, finally both of them dropped in and watched the last half of the show with us.
It was a good evening. There was more, but that is mine, for now. I will let you know if something of a lead begins to bear fruit. I will not be too mysterious, but just saying there is something, perhaps, in the works. Now I leave you. Have a good night and be well.
Socialism, coolaid for the masses.
It has come to my attention that I may no longer post at a particular site. This is fine, and it was, in finality, what I had asked long ago. Yet, when offering thoughts or opinions that I thought were not appreciated, I either received no comment or snide yet weak seeming attacks which when questioned, where never explained. This time, however, I decided it was time to know if what I suspected was true, or if the previous threads just became uninteresting and the hostess went on, just teasing or playing through disinterest in whatever thread was ending.
This is the response to, mostly, genuine query. I will honestly discuss each complaint here (since, as I mentioned, I am no longer welcome to post, rightly or wrongly, it is her site, I will neither apologize nor ignore her decision).
“Doom, you are being Extremely Rude. I will not accept any more of your comments until such time as you choose to apologize.”
I find no reason to apologize.
“In case you are still at sea regarding exactly what it is you have to apologize for:
1) You called me an anti-American.”
I indicated that socialism is anti-American if it is sought. Since this is not the type of government we (officially) have, supporting it means supporting the overthrow of our current government. I suspect that is rather anti-American. If you are so involved with the socialist movement that you cannot be separated from the movement on a personal basis, then you are indeed anti-American. Either face up to it, honestly, or leave the traitorous political affiliation.
“2) You have implied that I am a thief.”
Same as above.
“3) You have essentially told me, 'If you don't like America, you can leave.'”
In essence, yes. I believe there is a group which will help you, paying one way travel and offering you a small payoff, for a guarantee of termination of citizenship. Let me know if our “criminal” (as you put it) president is too much for you and you feel the need to leave.
“4) You have compared Senator Obama to Hitler and Stalin, and offensively misspelled his name.”
Actually, the misspelling was accidental, in this case. I have done it on purpose before, but I spelled it Obomber, see the difference? I am unfamiliar with muslim names. I am so happy that you seem to grasp them so well. Perhaps a burqua is your style. As far as comparing him to Hitler and Stalin, that is a bit much. He is half the man, if every bit as evil. As I have told others, I will now tell you. I hope you get your way, the governance you would die or kill for, if you had the power, but I hope it happens for you elsewhere or after I am dead.
“5) You have so ridiculously misrepresented the subject matter in your last post that it is impossible even to address the points you make. They are not coming from any basis in reality at all. 'Socialism has afflicted our medical schools?' What are you smoking? Indifference, negligence to fertility? When the in-vitro fertility industry is so enormous, and when our live birth rate takes into account all the premature and low-birth-rate infants that never would have had a chance of survival in the past?”
I do not smoke, inject, or otherwise consume drugs as a means of recreation or whatever. Perhaps you should be speaking to Obomber about that. I would guess I am even being removed from the rolls of the “ill”, actually. My life is rather good, and there is potential for it becoming much better still. Personal attacks to create an excuse to not listen to truth or reason is quite common among liberals. How nice, to kick a gimp because he won't hail your new dear leader. I would say it is all there is, emotion, for socialists, liberals, communists, and feminists politically. Looking at the three Democratic candidates, this last thought becomes obvious.
As far as the infestation of socialism, among other ism’s, in medical schools, and all schools, of both higher and lower levels of education, denying it simply shows your ignorance or worse? I have a brother who is a doctor. He was liberal in high school, far left by my accounting. For him to be allowed into the school (Brown’s, I believe), he was not liberal enough so he had to have some social contact indoctrination. He was required to do a year or more of charity work (so called HFH, Carter’s thing). The gall of that, and his simplistic obedience and subsequent indoctrination left me quite suspect, as time has passed the suspicion has been clarified into certainty. I have seen what the ethics boards at hospitals are doing, leaving doctors to decide whether even to treat, then having that one doctor be able to pretty much lock the patient out of treatment anywhere else, among many other things. How many are they not going to treat because we do not believe the socialist mantra? That is just some of it, but you asked.
“In short, you have derailed an honest discussion into insane, inflammatory hyperbole while denying that is what you intend to do. I will not tolerate this on my blog.”
There was never an honest discussion. I did ask some things, but every time I did, I had a bunch of emotional oddity sent my way. There were a few who tried to answer. Some who tried to understand where I was coming from. And, perhaps, a few who honestly understand it was not an attack. None of which would I be able to say you wished to be a party to. I was asking, purely, what your stance was. Whether my interpretations were correct as you saw things, and whether there was room for any commonality. I felt attacked at every step. Finally, I wanted to see if your idealism was more important then a person. I wanted to see if ideas could be overlooked for other ideals which are held in common. I found that your idealism trumps all. It is what I feared, suspected. It is why I will never bite into the socialist or communist apple. It is poison, and anyone not sucking down that poison is out. So be it.
This is the response to, mostly, genuine query. I will honestly discuss each complaint here (since, as I mentioned, I am no longer welcome to post, rightly or wrongly, it is her site, I will neither apologize nor ignore her decision).
“Doom, you are being Extremely Rude. I will not accept any more of your comments until such time as you choose to apologize.”
I find no reason to apologize.
“In case you are still at sea regarding exactly what it is you have to apologize for:
1) You called me an anti-American.”
I indicated that socialism is anti-American if it is sought. Since this is not the type of government we (officially) have, supporting it means supporting the overthrow of our current government. I suspect that is rather anti-American. If you are so involved with the socialist movement that you cannot be separated from the movement on a personal basis, then you are indeed anti-American. Either face up to it, honestly, or leave the traitorous political affiliation.
“2) You have implied that I am a thief.”
Same as above.
“3) You have essentially told me, 'If you don't like America, you can leave.'”
In essence, yes. I believe there is a group which will help you, paying one way travel and offering you a small payoff, for a guarantee of termination of citizenship. Let me know if our “criminal” (as you put it) president is too much for you and you feel the need to leave.
“4) You have compared Senator Obama to Hitler and Stalin, and offensively misspelled his name.”
Actually, the misspelling was accidental, in this case. I have done it on purpose before, but I spelled it Obomber, see the difference? I am unfamiliar with muslim names. I am so happy that you seem to grasp them so well. Perhaps a burqua is your style. As far as comparing him to Hitler and Stalin, that is a bit much. He is half the man, if every bit as evil. As I have told others, I will now tell you. I hope you get your way, the governance you would die or kill for, if you had the power, but I hope it happens for you elsewhere or after I am dead.
“5) You have so ridiculously misrepresented the subject matter in your last post that it is impossible even to address the points you make. They are not coming from any basis in reality at all. 'Socialism has afflicted our medical schools?' What are you smoking? Indifference, negligence to fertility? When the in-vitro fertility industry is so enormous, and when our live birth rate takes into account all the premature and low-birth-rate infants that never would have had a chance of survival in the past?”
I do not smoke, inject, or otherwise consume drugs as a means of recreation or whatever. Perhaps you should be speaking to Obomber about that. I would guess I am even being removed from the rolls of the “ill”, actually. My life is rather good, and there is potential for it becoming much better still. Personal attacks to create an excuse to not listen to truth or reason is quite common among liberals. How nice, to kick a gimp because he won't hail your new dear leader. I would say it is all there is, emotion, for socialists, liberals, communists, and feminists politically. Looking at the three Democratic candidates, this last thought becomes obvious.
As far as the infestation of socialism, among other ism’s, in medical schools, and all schools, of both higher and lower levels of education, denying it simply shows your ignorance or worse? I have a brother who is a doctor. He was liberal in high school, far left by my accounting. For him to be allowed into the school (Brown’s, I believe), he was not liberal enough so he had to have some social contact indoctrination. He was required to do a year or more of charity work (so called HFH, Carter’s thing). The gall of that, and his simplistic obedience and subsequent indoctrination left me quite suspect, as time has passed the suspicion has been clarified into certainty. I have seen what the ethics boards at hospitals are doing, leaving doctors to decide whether even to treat, then having that one doctor be able to pretty much lock the patient out of treatment anywhere else, among many other things. How many are they not going to treat because we do not believe the socialist mantra? That is just some of it, but you asked.
“In short, you have derailed an honest discussion into insane, inflammatory hyperbole while denying that is what you intend to do. I will not tolerate this on my blog.”
There was never an honest discussion. I did ask some things, but every time I did, I had a bunch of emotional oddity sent my way. There were a few who tried to answer. Some who tried to understand where I was coming from. And, perhaps, a few who honestly understand it was not an attack. None of which would I be able to say you wished to be a party to. I was asking, purely, what your stance was. Whether my interpretations were correct as you saw things, and whether there was room for any commonality. I felt attacked at every step. Finally, I wanted to see if your idealism was more important then a person. I wanted to see if ideas could be overlooked for other ideals which are held in common. I found that your idealism trumps all. It is what I feared, suspected. It is why I will never bite into the socialist or communist apple. It is poison, and anyone not sucking down that poison is out. So be it.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Mom, the Second.
I was able to contact my foster Mother! The conversation was wonderful. She had so many questions and some interesting news. And, she was welcoming. I do believe we will be able to see each other for a bit when I am in the area! I am excited. Perhaps I may get the chance to see some of my foster siblings as well. I, of course, wished her a happy Mother’s Day. She was a good woman, and she certainly did her best. I think she was happy to hear that I had quit tobacco. She tried her best to keep me from that, but some things could not be done.
I suppose we spoke for a half an hour or so, and just re-familiarized each other with voice, our recent histories, and just happy tidings. I certainly hope I may stay there several days, rest up, and learn more. It was a relief to not be spurned, or to have missed her death, or something. I really need to begin caring for the connections with those I love. Even a quarterly call, even if the news is never good from me, but only hopeful, I need to just man up to my humble nature.
I attempted to find my final Mother through the telephone listings. However, I could not find her. I am a bit worried. Though, she may have moved or married, both are not likely. I will try a few other methods tomorrow, methods which tend to be more weekday friendly. I hope I have not missed her life as she died and without my attendance. I am hopeful. What else is there?
I still need to contact the Xterra Club, discuss with AAA what AAA Plus membership offers in trip planning and savings on lodging, food, and things, figure out some costs, starting paring the timing down to narrow windows of probability, if not quite yet outright static plans. There, as well, are a few more items I need to purchase, some food planning, and just continuing forward with my exercises, bowling tomorrow, my other schedules, appointments, and interests. Oh, and I need to begin corralling college plans. If I am going to cancel a surgery for college, then I am going to college.
So much to do, I suppose I have a lot to make up until I can both claim a life, then find a more stable life. If, that is, I can make it out of the old life and into a new life. So many doubts and questions, time will tell. I think I will watch a show, then head off to bed. I will try to get a review of the movies tomorrow, or soon. Though, this is at the lower end of priorities so no real promises. I liked this set of movies for the most part, and will have something positive to say in the main (that should be a nice change of pace, compared to my most recent movie reviews, right?).
Sleep well, dream sweetly (though I myself honestly do prefer my scary dreams), stay warm to your toes (or cool), and believe that someone out here is like your brother. Perhaps better? Perhaps, sometimes, in a way. Goodnight.
I suppose we spoke for a half an hour or so, and just re-familiarized each other with voice, our recent histories, and just happy tidings. I certainly hope I may stay there several days, rest up, and learn more. It was a relief to not be spurned, or to have missed her death, or something. I really need to begin caring for the connections with those I love. Even a quarterly call, even if the news is never good from me, but only hopeful, I need to just man up to my humble nature.
I attempted to find my final Mother through the telephone listings. However, I could not find her. I am a bit worried. Though, she may have moved or married, both are not likely. I will try a few other methods tomorrow, methods which tend to be more weekday friendly. I hope I have not missed her life as she died and without my attendance. I am hopeful. What else is there?
I still need to contact the Xterra Club, discuss with AAA what AAA Plus membership offers in trip planning and savings on lodging, food, and things, figure out some costs, starting paring the timing down to narrow windows of probability, if not quite yet outright static plans. There, as well, are a few more items I need to purchase, some food planning, and just continuing forward with my exercises, bowling tomorrow, my other schedules, appointments, and interests. Oh, and I need to begin corralling college plans. If I am going to cancel a surgery for college, then I am going to college.
So much to do, I suppose I have a lot to make up until I can both claim a life, then find a more stable life. If, that is, I can make it out of the old life and into a new life. So many doubts and questions, time will tell. I think I will watch a show, then head off to bed. I will try to get a review of the movies tomorrow, or soon. Though, this is at the lower end of priorities so no real promises. I liked this set of movies for the most part, and will have something positive to say in the main (that should be a nice change of pace, compared to my most recent movie reviews, right?).
Sleep well, dream sweetly (though I myself honestly do prefer my scary dreams), stay warm to your toes (or cool), and believe that someone out here is like your brother. Perhaps better? Perhaps, sometimes, in a way. Goodnight.
Another new day, a real Sunday. And, it is Mother's Day!
It is amazing, to me, that this day is truly going to become my day of rest. As Saturday is becoming a personal and lighter day, the newness continues. It must be difficult for you to imagine having no days different from any other day. Days becoming confused with each other, then lost in weeks, months, and years. Oddly, that loss of a need, ability, or external push to separate times, days, and dates has counter-intuitively caused my time here, for the last few decades, to seem like an eternity. It is only in these times when I start trying to set up schedules, be at specific places at certain times, and perform pre-planned time-sensitive actions when I am finally able to see how little time there is. Time evaporates, like rubbing alcohol evaporates on the skin, leaving a cool realization of the finite and swift nature of life.
This feeling of time slipping through my hands, far from being a bad part of life as I try to re-enter a new life, is something of a major blessing. At times, in the exhausted haunts of my mind, with time become a distant memory with no meaning to my mind or in my life, the fear that I am in Purgatory becomes pervasive. I cannot help but strangle and choke on the notion that I will be left here for some huge span of time for my misdeeds. Perhaps this is less Purgatory than hell, I even think, in which case, there is no escape. Having time pass, hopefully becoming a party to my aging and being able to watch it more closely, I will find comfort in knowing with certainty that my days are numbered. Because of this, I have to learn to deal with my aging in more than a nativistic or animal way, though a complication, it is one I gladly accept for the freedom from the burden of existential fret otherwise in evidence.
My lady friend finally made her visit this morning. I had gone to bed very late (5:00 or 6:00), so had only slept a few hours when she called at about 7:30 and then dropped in a bit later. She brought the whole of her debt repayment, and breakfast. She had already eaten, so she brought me a slice of quiche, which I did enjoy. She had intended another set of chores this day, but the weather did not support her plans. So, it was a laundry (and Scrabble) today. Plus, I was able to offer her the first cup of cappuccino any guest in my house has received. She appreciated it, but suggested it was no more than a small cup of her organic coffee. I had to concur for the most part. Using only truly purified water and organic coffee that she cannot do without, the device offers no better coffee than any other system (and personally I think worse, as there is more grit in the coffee from the coffee beans from this process). I suppose it is European, in both the device’s style, and the notion of small fine cups of coffee (though, regardless of their pretend sophistry and grandiose delusions of cultural splendor (long dead, only the shell of architecture, artistic antiques, and a faded dead history remain of any of that, since they set out to kill God) I can and do choose probably better coffee and more of it than most Europeans could even contemplate, socialism suck if kings are little better).
We played three games of Scrabble. She just could not win, until finally, she owned me in the last game (well, she eked out with a 6 point lead). I teased, and played, but I was so tired, I am not sure how I did it. Usually, when practiced and rested, I can beat her most of the time. But being this tired, I usually do not stand much of a chance unless she is dragging around as well. But she seemed chipper and awake, so, I cannot account for her losses. I can however *do a snoopy dance* She gets so mad when she cannot win her game (I prefer monopoly, backgammon, poking my eyes out with red hot pokers even, almost). It is fun, though, if only mostly for the company and winning. hehehehe *boop*
We generally do not discuss politics (currently). Though occasionally she or I will ask something, carefully. We do not, then, debate it. All we seemingly do is find out what the other thinks and then back off and disseminate the possibilities on our own. We asked to see if there was a way of thinking we had not considered or simply to hear what the "other side" (one of them) is thinking. If we hear something new (for my part anyway), I honestly check it out. Usually it is propaganda, from what I have researched (though on occasion she is quite right, give or take, if still not always a priority within my basic principles). Organic foods are bunk, and probably a net social and grocer negative, to the problems of socialized medicine, or even socialism versus capitalism. I think if she actually looked up half of what I suggest to her, she would at worst be a simple republican, at best, a real citizen and conservative. And, occasional, the subject will come up again and we might discuss it with our newfound research and any twists from that. Oh, yes, she can be legitimately correct, and I do give it up when she is and when I then concur. Plus, I usually try to sweeten the pot for learnin' me. :) She just cannot handle being criticized, debated, or having her beliefs examined intensely at all. Yes, I can. And, I do seek out those who disagree (or who I suspect disagree), and try to understand, from time to time. Actually, I know no other conservative with whom I speak regularly, save perhaps and sort of Bane (with any certainty, given my understanding of the term conservative, end of legal notice :P ) Even if we may never find agreement, I do seek some understanding. My difficulty is knowing when to cut off the debate as either pointless or becoming too negative (hot). Oddly, I just do not get all that hot.
Oh, happy Mother’s Day to all you ladies who have and ladies who are looking to have little ones! I called one of my Mums so far. I am thinking I should try to call the others. If I wish to visit them, perhaps today would be a good time to, if not see about that, to open up communications again. As I have said before, this is a part of my tasks which I find uncomfortable. Yet, I think I do want to do this. I am pondering the issue. Talking to a Mom, one you have not spoken with in a long time, is not so dissimilar from entering a confessional booth after a long period. The awkward silence, the power structures becoming set again, the acknowledgment of a (if mortal in this case) higher power, and self doubts and a childhood let go so long ago opening up again in order that the relationship may become substantial again, or more, be solidified back into the flesh rather than in memories and thoughts where the relationship had been safely and statically maintained for so long. Open soul surgery? Yeah, ok. As with capitalism, though, there is no pay-off without risk. And the greater the pay-off, the greater the risk. *ouch* I can see why people try to delude themselves with the simple (lies) that are socialism, feminism, and communism. Risks are real, in whatever form they take. It is easier not to take them, even if those types never see the rich pay-offs (most of them cannot and would not have seen those anyway, so they gamble happily, with nothing to lose (seemingly)). Anyway...
One of my Moms is sobbing and such. But sobbing happily, so I guess. When you say you love someone, explain how much you love them, and are sincere and kind in your manners, I guess you should expect that. Well, if it is a woman to whom you are speaking anyway. Still, it is weird. I hope the others do not tear up right away. It makes it difficult to understand them. Though, it often shortens the call, which saves a nickel or two. (I hope my Mom’s do not read this, but… They probably wonder from time to time, that whole black sheep thing and all) Bahhh. I think they know I do care, if I do not always listen, obey, or necessarily share their sentiments.
This feeling of time slipping through my hands, far from being a bad part of life as I try to re-enter a new life, is something of a major blessing. At times, in the exhausted haunts of my mind, with time become a distant memory with no meaning to my mind or in my life, the fear that I am in Purgatory becomes pervasive. I cannot help but strangle and choke on the notion that I will be left here for some huge span of time for my misdeeds. Perhaps this is less Purgatory than hell, I even think, in which case, there is no escape. Having time pass, hopefully becoming a party to my aging and being able to watch it more closely, I will find comfort in knowing with certainty that my days are numbered. Because of this, I have to learn to deal with my aging in more than a nativistic or animal way, though a complication, it is one I gladly accept for the freedom from the burden of existential fret otherwise in evidence.
My lady friend finally made her visit this morning. I had gone to bed very late (5:00 or 6:00), so had only slept a few hours when she called at about 7:30 and then dropped in a bit later. She brought the whole of her debt repayment, and breakfast. She had already eaten, so she brought me a slice of quiche, which I did enjoy. She had intended another set of chores this day, but the weather did not support her plans. So, it was a laundry (and Scrabble) today. Plus, I was able to offer her the first cup of cappuccino any guest in my house has received. She appreciated it, but suggested it was no more than a small cup of her organic coffee. I had to concur for the most part. Using only truly purified water and organic coffee that she cannot do without, the device offers no better coffee than any other system (and personally I think worse, as there is more grit in the coffee from the coffee beans from this process). I suppose it is European, in both the device’s style, and the notion of small fine cups of coffee (though, regardless of their pretend sophistry and grandiose delusions of cultural splendor (long dead, only the shell of architecture, artistic antiques, and a faded dead history remain of any of that, since they set out to kill God) I can and do choose probably better coffee and more of it than most Europeans could even contemplate, socialism suck if kings are little better).
We played three games of Scrabble. She just could not win, until finally, she owned me in the last game (well, she eked out with a 6 point lead). I teased, and played, but I was so tired, I am not sure how I did it. Usually, when practiced and rested, I can beat her most of the time. But being this tired, I usually do not stand much of a chance unless she is dragging around as well. But she seemed chipper and awake, so, I cannot account for her losses. I can however *do a snoopy dance* She gets so mad when she cannot win her game (I prefer monopoly, backgammon, poking my eyes out with red hot pokers even, almost). It is fun, though, if only mostly for the company and winning. hehehehe *boop*
We generally do not discuss politics (currently). Though occasionally she or I will ask something, carefully. We do not, then, debate it. All we seemingly do is find out what the other thinks and then back off and disseminate the possibilities on our own. We asked to see if there was a way of thinking we had not considered or simply to hear what the "other side" (one of them) is thinking. If we hear something new (for my part anyway), I honestly check it out. Usually it is propaganda, from what I have researched (though on occasion she is quite right, give or take, if still not always a priority within my basic principles). Organic foods are bunk, and probably a net social and grocer negative, to the problems of socialized medicine, or even socialism versus capitalism. I think if she actually looked up half of what I suggest to her, she would at worst be a simple republican, at best, a real citizen and conservative. And, occasional, the subject will come up again and we might discuss it with our newfound research and any twists from that. Oh, yes, she can be legitimately correct, and I do give it up when she is and when I then concur. Plus, I usually try to sweeten the pot for learnin' me. :) She just cannot handle being criticized, debated, or having her beliefs examined intensely at all. Yes, I can. And, I do seek out those who disagree (or who I suspect disagree), and try to understand, from time to time. Actually, I know no other conservative with whom I speak regularly, save perhaps and sort of Bane (with any certainty, given my understanding of the term conservative, end of legal notice :P ) Even if we may never find agreement, I do seek some understanding. My difficulty is knowing when to cut off the debate as either pointless or becoming too negative (hot). Oddly, I just do not get all that hot.
Oh, happy Mother’s Day to all you ladies who have and ladies who are looking to have little ones! I called one of my Mums so far. I am thinking I should try to call the others. If I wish to visit them, perhaps today would be a good time to, if not see about that, to open up communications again. As I have said before, this is a part of my tasks which I find uncomfortable. Yet, I think I do want to do this. I am pondering the issue. Talking to a Mom, one you have not spoken with in a long time, is not so dissimilar from entering a confessional booth after a long period. The awkward silence, the power structures becoming set again, the acknowledgment of a (if mortal in this case) higher power, and self doubts and a childhood let go so long ago opening up again in order that the relationship may become substantial again, or more, be solidified back into the flesh rather than in memories and thoughts where the relationship had been safely and statically maintained for so long. Open soul surgery? Yeah, ok. As with capitalism, though, there is no pay-off without risk. And the greater the pay-off, the greater the risk. *ouch* I can see why people try to delude themselves with the simple (lies) that are socialism, feminism, and communism. Risks are real, in whatever form they take. It is easier not to take them, even if those types never see the rich pay-offs (most of them cannot and would not have seen those anyway, so they gamble happily, with nothing to lose (seemingly)). Anyway...
One of my Moms is sobbing and such. But sobbing happily, so I guess. When you say you love someone, explain how much you love them, and are sincere and kind in your manners, I guess you should expect that. Well, if it is a woman to whom you are speaking anyway. Still, it is weird. I hope the others do not tear up right away. It makes it difficult to understand them. Though, it often shortens the call, which saves a nickel or two. (I hope my Mom’s do not read this, but… They probably wonder from time to time, that whole black sheep thing and all) Bahhh. I think they know I do care, if I do not always listen, obey, or necessarily share their sentiments.
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