School and yes, some politics.

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Physics is going well. That is to be expected. It is basic physics, a semester long recap of the 2 semester high school equivalent. Still, I has been over 20 years since I took this material, barring the C- accelerated physics I (for engineers), which left me reeling. I learned nothing and could not keep up, so I really do not count that. Of course, there was a LOT of cheating going on in that class. Everything from talking during the test to pre-set calculators. I am not sure how I would have done in a fair fight. Unimportant, I have to do what I can. Still, since I expect to do better, I do put in the time, and I have a decent mind, I decided to take a lower physics course to get a needed refreshment of the material before trying to slog through the second engineering physics course. I am quite pleased I did, I think now, that though I am a quick study, there were little gaps in my understanding. So far this is a simple class. I am sure, if I do not keep on top of it however, that the complexity could build quickly. I would like to go in and talk to the TA’s in any case, just to make sure I am staying on track and perhaps get advice on extra study. I want to nail physics down, and perhaps begin to rethink it to include calculus based physics. I honestly like physics, as I thought I had remembered. It is good to see a memory prove out.

Probability and statistics for engineers, on the other hand, is a bit of work. I will need to get in to the lab they offer, and begin tinkering after doing that and from that. I am willing to do extra problems, to think about the material, and to work hard, but I will not be able to do that solo. I believe I can get this material. My worry is remembering all of the various functions and how they work and interact. The mathematics involved, to this point, is rather simple (if it would be extremely time consuming to do by hand). There are many details, quite a few variations within variations, such as permutations and combinations having various ways of solution, depending on how many of the sample space components are used, for example. I am really nervous about this, but I think I can do well. And, as with physics, I wish to do well in this class. If I am to have any hopes of graduate school, then on into research and development, this material is vital.

My illness seems to keep coming back. The sniffles here, a bit of fever there, a cough now and again, and exhaustion all around. All but the exhaustion are rather fleeting. I am not sure what to do about it, I know the doctor, as far as I can trust him, would just say “Drink more fluids.”, or “Rest more and stay indoors when it is cool.”, or something equally useless. They have no clue and do not want one. I think, where I am concerned, they are unwilling to help. I think they would like to cut ties, I am not even a good guinea pig as I do not take medicines as regularly as they would like and will veto anything that simply does not work. I also actually expect to be treated honestly and well, neither seems to be available where I go. It used to be a good hospital, then they merged it with Des Moines, folding it into that rather than the other way around, and they ruined it. I think they did not want any body getting better treatment than anyone else. Well, that is social medicine I guess. I think they work to keep me out of school. It is sort of like the new reservation. Success, work, and education are a threat to their bureaucracy. Believe what you will.

I keep waffling, regarding the election. John McCain is a socialist, and not the best of the lot. Sarah Palin seems to be as well, with her tax on “oil revenues”. She is a skirt socialist, it is something she has absolutely no control over. (Remember when your Mom made sure everybody got the exact same thing, the same amount, or the same time, regardless of reality or creativity? Yeah, like that.) And, the Republicans keep offering RINO candidates over and over and over again? I am not sure if they are 1.) edging toward the leadership of progressives 2.) in league with progressives and trying to destroy the Republican party 3.) absolutely out of their minds 4.) all of the above. They have chosen, and offered, poorly.

And yet I cannot help but see a communist for what he is. His color matches his intent. His stated religion belies his words, even if his handler “helped” him out. A nation, our nation, under Obomber would resemble any European socialism, and could end up reflecting far worse. The only thing that has kept this nation, so far, out of true socialist/communist statism has been either a “conservative” president or congress. The rest of the government is gearing up for a full fledged house of horrors. Many of the bureaucracies are without solid realistic oversight, the IRS is way out of bounds, the ATF and even the “forest rangers” now have militarized hit squads (and they have been busy). The CIA, and the military (in the wrong hands), are not our friends. They would kill whoever, passing out band-aids to whoever survived or accidentally got in the way, then play “kiss and make up” afterwards, and at the point of a gun. And the FBI is whatever the president says it is. There is far too much government, just waiting to “serve us”, to be left in the hands of a man who honestly most likely hates most of us. He has no choice, given who he works with. What he owes to the people who brought him to this point is every American’s worst nightmare. Black Theology, Marxist socialism and communism, re-education, eliminations. Make no doubt, this man is bad to the bone, rotted to the soul, and altogether evil. Hell, he even has the press purring for him. Imagine if Stalin had not needed to develop his propaganda, or enforce it. That is what we have with the news, FOX included.

The only reason I seem to be swaying towards a vote for McCain is because I am not sure a vote for Obomber or no vote would end up eliminating actual elections, if they are not already finished. After the last 4 cycles, I am wondering if the best we can hope for is a slower march into totalitarianism with people like Bush I, Bush II, McCain, and who knows next, or a plunge into dark times with a dark candidate, or woman. The Republican party deserves, needs to be, stomped out of existence and rebuilt from the ashes. I just do not think this is the time for it. The odds are too high for a complete loss of the little choice we do have.

Many of the middle class liberals I know are complaining that their lot in life has not increased in the last 10 years. They are finding bills are getting larger compared to pay. And, that may be true. Has any of them stopped to wonder why? It is because the Bushes and Clinton were all socialists. What they have implemented is bringing us ever closer to a complete socialism. What socialism always does is split the rich from the poor at greater and greater levels. It happens every time, whenever socialism becomes dominant. At some point, if the nation continues, the rich become a small easy plum, ripe for the picking. Then it is called communism. They are not different, just different points in the disease. And, we are fairly well infected. Tipping point though? Close.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I have been placed on placeboes.

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I am going to check and see if I can find a place that will test the efficacy of medications, suggesting that I may have a bad batch. These medicines are not working, at all. With the change in doctors and his hostility toward my regimen added to what is ended up a dump in capacity, I have a right, or obligation, to suspicion. If I find this to be the case, I will withdraw from all medications, school, and begin making other plans. I will, of course, let you know. I am that suspicious, and pretty sure, but it will take some testing. Usually, when I take the medication, I do not feel this wiped out. Currently, whether I take the medication or not, I am extremely tired. Of course, there is the potential that the medicine stopped working right about the time I got the new doctor.

I have not regained any bounce since getting over being sick. I can barely get myself motivated, I have little energy when I do, I can sleep on these medicines (which I have not been able to do to now). Forget working out. Forget extra time at school. Though I can stay awake longer periods of time (think, regular day), it is ‘just barely’ to ‘sometimes not quite’. If my suspicions are wrong, I am in trouble. If they are right, I am likewise in trouble. At least if I am correct, I know what is going on. And yes, if they are tinkering with me, I will do what I had told them before, I will dump all the medicines, quit school, and head out.

Children

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I happened to be goofing, then I turned on the tube for some background sound. After flicking through the channels, I landed on something that sounded interesting. Then I became interested enough to actually watch occasionally. Then, I became glued to the darned thing. I started watching something about an accident. The story, as I was finding out, dealt with an accident in which several people were killed and several were injured. Two of the young women in the accident seem to have been mistakenly identified. One had died the other had been severely injured. The families are interviewed, long after the fact, and yet you can see the trauma. The pain they felt then creeps into the now of the time of the interview. How much they lost, the mother’s, father’s, and sisters is incredible. And then I realized something. As painful as it seemed, I am absolutely sure none of them would have rather not had the daughter. How much love must there be to, without any contest, to go through that kind of pain rather than not?

I know that wealth of grace is something I desire. I do not lust for it. I do not wish to own it, as I see from the interviews it is not something that is owned. I only wish to see it myself. I somehow do not think I will go through that sort of pain, necessarily, though I know there will be pain. I will never be able to love without pain, and great pain. It is a part of the deal. But, should I find a way to a full home and great love and lose it all, I know I will still have been a richer man by far. With faith, I also know I will have pleased my God, if I would also begrudge Him their presence.

I have already known loss. I have lost so many. Some of those were too close too lose. I have died with those. Even those who were not that close took little pieces of me. Friends, kin, and blood, lost. I cry, even now, when I forget not to go too far. And yet, I think my children would be closer than anything I have know, as well as my spouse, if in a slightly different way. Sometimes I wonder if I ask for more than I should. I wonder how much more I can lose, how much more I should risk losing. Still, that is precisely what I beg.

I think I will pray for all parents. Whether they must suffer the loss of a child or not, I only pray that they may know the worth of what they have and let that lead them to be the best parents they can be. I pray that their leadership guides their children to right choices. What an amazing gift they have been given. I hope they do not have the hubris to think they were the makers. I hope they understand, regardless of probability, they did not choose, they are not able to make such choices. They only opened themselves up to such an event, wisely or not. The child is, of it’s own accord, as God has allowed. An amazing grace.

If this makes me a fool, if it should come to fruition, I will be a happy fool.

Sick

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Sick, not as in the term cool, this means unhealthy. The first week of school was very difficult. The work was not that bad, I was only taking 3 classes, now down to 2 classes, yet I could not seem to get going. I finally figured it out. Monday I started suffering the sniffles. I had a noticeable cough by last Friday. Then it dawned on me, I was sick. I was very sick. I took my temp, 99 to 100 F. I think I was sick all of last week and most of this week. I am still weak, tired, and concentration is difficult.

I made it through the weeks though. I attended all but one class. I have completed my homework to date. And I think I did ok on the quiz Friday. I have not been working out or swimming. I really need to get back to it. I have been getting up early, before 6:00 most days, even knowing I would not be going swimming. I have also been trying to make sure to eat twice a day. I would like to add a breakfast, but I think I will wait until I begin swimming again. It was such a tough few weeks, I could not figure it out. I think I was pretty sick, odd that I did not realize it.

The illness was not all of it. My fears had crept in. Being in 100 people plus classes, walking from class to class through large crowds, worry about understanding, trying to study through the seeming boredom, worry about testing, and things like that add to the difficulty. I think boredom, in these cases and for me, is just a form of exhaustion caused from ill use of my facilities in these matters. Yes, my brain just gets tired. I think, once I get my feet under me again, I will do fine. Actually, I am doing fine. I was just struggling with more than I knew.

I keep running into political notions, few of which are worth my time. I am coming around to the idea that voting for McStupid may be the only practical and realistic option. He is moderate, he will do no better than President Bush regarding illegal aliens, Supreme Court justices (beyond, I do not think he can be forced to make the right decision with the judiciary), U.N. involvements, quota and preferential treatment (obviously, I think he has something kinky going with his mom?), and any of a dozen other issues. In these, he will be little different from Obomber. I am no more enamored of his international style than I am of either President Bush or Obomber. President Bush was overly cautious (and perhaps optimistic). McCain would be even more timid, and worse, a bit more regimented. He would forget that he is president and try to play general (where Obomber would just do things, like Clinton, which unwisely and unnecessarily endanger our troops purely out of spite for being a geek, snob, and loser who never could have cut it, without quotas, in the service).

What does McStupid bring to the game? He is not AS leftist as Obomber. He would not, after being attacked like on 9/11, decide to ask what concessions could be made to his friends and family, I mean the enemy, so as to become friends. He is not quite as anti-business, though I think his whole green platform is outrageous, anti-business and anti-American in it’s notion and implementation. His reforms, to date, seem based on stripping the Constitutional rights of citizens to free speech, plugging up outside sources of income for the political processes (which the left immediately dodged, while conservatives are just catching up, great reform… just makes sure only those which can afford a law firm, pressure groups, PACs, and special interest groups behind them can run, thanks McIdiot!). Well, there are a few things, somewhere.

He is as good of a solution as a spare tire. He is a little short, a little odd, not up to par, not up to speed, but he will not roll backwards (or very far very fast). Obomber is a set of race car tires… which magically only go the opposite direction the driver needs to go. They might as well have Malcom X (yes, I know how the idiot actually spelled his name) up for election. And, honestly, as long as he was black, I do not think the left would care who or what he stands for, except Clarence Thomas… they want an Uncle Tom, nothing else will do. They ARE voting for color, and the least of it. They even believe he is “beautiful”. I bet they love the orcs in Lord of the Rings, too.

I might have been sick, but at least I am not grumpy.

Drats!

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Everything is closed today, right? Funny. I can get some extra studying done. I will not be able to swim or complete my administrative functions at school. I do have my drop and change slips printed and ready, all I need is to get those signed and turned in. Over this weekend I copied my notes for legibility and as a form of study, looked over the material generally, and continued with my pre-study materials as well (now just additional study material, of course). I can continue my studies today. And, of course, I can lift weights. Talk about a false start though, I was up and rearing to go, a bit early to top it off. Still, it is good to be up and going. Now to see if I can do it the rest of the week.

I will no longer be discussing politics. There is no reason to do so. I am fully divested from the political factions available, for their part. And, I suppose, I should be pleased with this. I live completely by faith from now on, as the mechanisms of power have become dysfunctional within my grasp. I cannot say which candidate, short or long term, is worse, only that they are both less than tolerable. It causes me no small pain to have the last nail set to the coffin. I once had hope that men could choose wisely, could lead themselves rightly, and that Americans had become better and different under the Constitution. The men have been bought, selling themselves for a value less than their worth. The men have chosen the weak and women to lead. And the Constitution is not worth reading, it is no longer functional. What of it exists in law is akin to fountain pens, merely stylistic or nostalgic. It is simply an antique.

I have other things to do. So, I will not bemoan the loss of a real hope. The nation lasted more than 200 years, a benchmark set by an ancient Greek regarding democracies (though often falsely attributed to more recent folk). Men are idiots, and prove it when they have the chance. Power seeks it’s own council. And all things must pass. Unfortunately, or not, there is no place to go. As the light goes out here, so goes the last flicker of freedom in a very cold, dark, dangerous world. As with China, Germany, Russia, and the others, we are about to learn that we have more to fear from our own government than we ever will from other nations.

Stressed.

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Last week was disappointing. I was not able to function as well as I had hoped. I did most of what I needed to do, I handled some of the changes, but I failed to do all or even most of what I wanted to do, planned to do, and some of what I needed to do. It was a tight week for me. I felt tired, mentally if not physically. I became confused and lost track of what I needed to do, when, and how. This means I have a bit more on my plate this week, along with the expectations from last week. Fear seems to invade my waking and sleeping life. It is not the classes, it is classes, workouts, administrative issues, social issues, and the complexities of the schedule which have me flummoxed. The classes are, if not simple, within my ability so far. They are, as it is turning out however, the tip of the iceburg.

I was becoming very agitated about these things through the week. I could not seem to catch my breath, relax, and find a new starting place. Sleep was escaping my grasp, yet without rest I was drowning in confusion. This weekend, as I began to unwind, to take stock, and to begin planning this next week, I found something good. I was able to realize I have not ruined anything. I see that I have kept track with the more important goals, the time sensitive ones at any rate. And, I see now what I must do and how to do it.

I will be starting this week very humbly. I will do what I can, when I can, and I should be able to finish the simpler tasks. As well, if needs be, rather than abandon those things which seem too heavy, I will reduce their load and see if that helps. I will stick to simple goals, I will continue as before only with the understanding that I am more limited than I had thought, currently, and that some of my activities take more from me than I had thought they would. Though I still have concern, having cleared my mind, rested, and pulled back a bit, I think I am ready to try again.

Christianity, the time may be nigh for the price to be high.

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Do you realize…

When America votes for Obomber, when they vote to enact that which he represents enough that he and his can take power, they vote for the enactment of this hope and change. I fully expect to be under the gun here in America, as Catholics were under Queen Elizabeth, only this time protestants will be included in the fun. In my lifetime, I expect martyrdom to be a real and regular event, again. Are you Christian enough, or will you deny Christ when faced with death, or even pain? Will you fight back, or go meekly? I am not sure, but I am thinking about it. I realize though that I will not know what I will do until the time comes. And, no, suicide bombing is not martyrdom, merely murder.

Oh, and, get out the vote? Nah, McCain is a chip off the same old socialist block… bloc, that is. The softer side of secularism, or socialism, or communism? Yes.

Remember when?

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Remember when I was told not to comment on a blog because I misspelled “Obama”*? Well, actually, I was trying to spell it correctly, but I am unfamiliar (and will remain so) of muslim names. I am not Arab, muslim, nor interested. I have enough difficulty figuring out how to spell (and often pronounce) European names. As well, I have given up on most Slavic names, and for the most part, I like Slavs. I have some common (and mutually agreeable) history in common with them. At this point in history, those of them freed from absolute Democratic rule are fellow conservatives. Many of those who are still slaves to the state would be conservative, given a chance. As for the “man” about which part of this controversy swirls, I give no quarter, I have no interest in being fair to a thief, liar, cheat, and socialist/communist, and share no positive history or future hopes with him or his people. Beyond, my original “misnomer” which helped lead me astray on the spelling of his name (Obomber) seems to be more apt than the naysayers will ever concede.

Back to school. I need to get on the homework before it gets on me. So far so good. And, I am excited. If I can hold on a semester or two, continue my exercises, and maintain a life, I will be in very good shape for a full and real return to life. All this, at this time, right through a strong low. Even with going to school being much like trekking through a huge field of dog leavings, several layers thick, searching for microscopic portions of functional, real, and useful knowledge. It stinks, but it is all I can afford. Perhaps it is all there is, academia being what it is. Thank God for showers, common sense, and His graces. Oh, yeah, and thank God for confession.

*There were other wrong reasons I was asked not to return, this was just one of the more incorrectly "wrong" and fun ones (incorrect in a literal way, as I WAS trying to spell his name correctly. As an act, it was not more incorrect, it was correct as I will explain. In accusing socialism of thievery and admitting my belief that those who chain themselves to socialism unabashedly, therefore, must also chain themselves to thievery (and corruption, social injustice, and genocide) I was considered incorrect (and, how WUDE!*). Compared to the last case, the mistake I “*” is actually not incorrect by her standards, by literally being fairly close to the “right” spelling and because intent makes it “right”… on the left.


Too much fun, I must get back to work! I think I wrote that correctly. Still, it is a bit of a twist of purpose, logic, vocabulary, grammar, and punctuation. I may try to work on that later. Too much fun!

I seem to have done well.

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I made it to my swim. In spite of not having slept last evening, needing to exert extra effort to go swimming, and with the fact that I started a bit late, I was able to do my ¾ mile regimen. As well, I shaved off some decent time. I was finished in under an hour! From now on, starting today, I will actually just shower and be ready to leave when I finish my swim. I had been going, then returning, wearing sweats. I do not have the luxury of time in order to do that at this point. It worked well today, though my duffle bag was a bit full. I tried to carry my day clothes and wear my sweets. No more, but these things always need tweaking as new parameters arise.

I was still home in time to have taken the bus. Being that it was the first day and with some uncertainty regarding where my classes actually were to be held, I drove to school so as to be early enough to figure things out. I had no difficulty finding my way. I made it to each class, on time, and ready. The first class was canceled, our professor was stuck in Japan. With the extra time, I bought a breakfast burrito and a glass of tea. That type of eating might become regular. Though I did not care for the burrito, I am sure I will be able to find something. Even with the missed class coming back into the schedule, I have an hour there. I will also probably begin consuming a morning protein drink. It is rather good for me and offers half of my protein needs. It is light in calories, but the protein shot should be helpful, then a decent small meal between my last two classes should add some calories, but the evening meal is a project in the works. The other classes went off without a hitch. My pre-study has helped a good deal. And, I think if I stay on top of things, I will be fine. Doh! I know me, but I have gotten better.

I need a nap now. On top of swimming, walking around, and the heat, one of my paths goes down, then up, a very large hill. With my book bag in tow, it is quite the challenge. I am hoping I will get the weight lifting completed later. But for now, a little rest is in order.

Perfect.

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I have been working out, swimming, keeping my appointments, taking my medicine, and staying on top of several projects. I have been trying to eat better and I have been tracking my diet. I will swim this morning and then go to my first day of classes. Initially, I will be taking two physics courses and ‘probability and statics for engineers’. I will be dropping one of the physics courses by next Monday. Actually, it will be good to start out with a heavier load and then lightening that. Yes, I will do the homework, labs, discussion, and anything else required for the time that I am taking the courses. Personally, I am hoping the homework is heavy so that I can see more clearly which course to drop. I would love to take the heavier physics course, if I can, as that would end my requirements for physics and put me closer to being on schedule academically. I have some doubts, however.

I am actually functioning within a low. I am tired, I am confused, and I am alone. How do I keep doing what I have been doing? I keep doing it because I realize I will be just as tired if I do not keeping working, moving, showing up, and such. Actually, I would be worse off. Remember that week I took away from activity and involvements? I was more exhausted from doing nothing than I am from being, seemingly, too busy. I truly feel trapped. Doing nothing is death, doing what I want and feel the need to do is empty. I am numb. I guess it is better than being dead.

Now, this is a low. Can I make it through this low without losing my grip? Can I function while numb without losing track of where my feet need to be as I move across the tight rope? I am flying blind. This is the farthest I have been since I have been ill. But I am so far beyond where I have ever been in that, before I was ill, I was not flying blind. And more, I was probably not able to do engineering level work before I was ill. I know, it is strange. It might even sound contrary, which I cannot deny. The blind can “see” what they might never have been able to “see” with their eyes functioning. No, I do not believe in the super-hero thing. I do, however, believe in adaptation. I am just not sure how much faith I have in adaptations themselves. Am I walking a tightrope, or just walking off a cliff?

In a few hours, I will begin the week, and the experiment. At least it does not hurt, not anymore. I am numb, remember. Perhaps “Perfect” is not quite correct. I have had worse.

A good day in the water, again.

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I woke a little earlier and went swimming a bit earlier as well. I was nervous, after winning two personal golds this week the water challenged me to try to keep those gold medals. It has been on my mind since Wednesday. Could I do what I did, perhaps adding more? I tried to not think about it on my way to the pool, thinking instead of upcoming classes, pretty girls, nothing, and everything, but it kept creeping in. Doubts and fear seem to lurk around every corner and challenge my right to have fun, work hard, and work consistently. Still, I went, changed, grabbed my kick-board, and jumped in.

I started out knowing I would be a little sore during the first few laps. I was not wrong. I kept waiting for the numbness to offer comfort, but today that did not happen until the 10th lap. The pain was less but more consistent. Then again, I was trying to shave time off the ½ mile portion. Perhaps the extra exertion, if there was any, was the culprit. I finished my ½ mile in 40 minutes, I shaved at least 10 minutes off my last ½ mile! My goal has been to do twice as many kick-board laps as crawls, in order to work on my kick and get my legs the largest share of the workout until I can be more certain that they will indeed be doing the work they are supposed to do and doing the work I want them to do. After that, I did get ¼ mile of crawls in. However, these were piece-meal. The most I could get out of myself was one 2 lap set. The rest were single laps. I was pleased that my legs were still working and well. I tried to sprint the last lap, and did for ¾ of it, then I started to cramp. I finished my swim, with an odd swim limp, yet it was still a very good lap. I might say it was my fastest, and by far, to date. Those last 9 laps, however, took me over the hour I am hoping to work within.

Woot! I am up swimming to 3/4 of a mile in (almost) an hour after only my first month of swimming, give or take! By the way, does anyone happen to have a walker, maybe a wheelchair, I could borrow?

My goal, at this point, is to shave that exact exercise down to 1 hour. I will not add laps until I get that well below 1 hour. For the next two weeks, almost certainly, my goal is to increase the speed. If I get to the point where I can do this cycle in 45 minutes, I will add laps. First I will add to the kick-board and consecutive swim to try and fill the exercise up to an hour. Then I will begin cutting that time until I can get my crawls to a 1:2 crawl to kickboard lap, then get that all back down to under an hour again. I am not sure how long I will feel the need for the kick-board leg work, and I may never change it. But should I begin to feel confident that my legs will do most of the work, I may just go to straight crawls. I do not see that happening for at least another month. Who knows, I am just making this up as I go along, dontchya know.

I have to pick up my books today. They are in. I also need to get supplies. I would like to stop by the Church while I am downtown, I have some business I would like to manage. I received a reply from my doctor, after sending him my dietary schedule for the last few days. His prescription seems reasonable, though I think his calorie burn chart is bunk. It is the lowest I have seen, and I picked middling to low calorie burn charts out there (from groups like the American Lung Association, FDA (or some government entity), and some others). I am not sure how I will be able to comply, however, as I have said, cooking, shopping, and cleaning up afterward is too much on top of working out, let alone working out AND going to school. Fast food will be the only way, but I am not sure I can afford that. At least he was not smarmy. I am quite put out with him, so it would not take much for me to drop him. I grade harshly but fairly, imho.

The New Cold War.

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No, not with the usual suspects. Russia is thrashing, China is clamoring, and the new kid on the block Venezuela is restful and spiteful. But, that is neither new nor anything more than something to be watched and, mostly, ignored. We have no interests which are threatened enough to act, and we have too few resources with which to react. Beyond, reactions are not the best strategies, action and forethought will win those wars before they become hot. It was, and remains, my theory that we cut the dollar for a short run loss and a long run win, for example. We are doing other things which manage threats, fiscal, military, social, and other types. Much of it is incremental, nearly invisible, and perhaps even blamed on other causes. If some of those things hurt in the short run, in the long run, they are (and I think will) prove to be quite successful.

The New Cold War is not being faced externally, but internally. The mantras of communism and socialism are here. The ultra rich, the ultra poor, the uneducated, and the poorly educated (or those educated too specifically and blindly (or blindingly?)) support the left. Families, Christians, reasoned middle class, and upper- to upper-middle-class working forces support conservativism, as much as it exists today. The majority, I should think, are leaning conservative. There are two major problems with this war, and the outlook does look grim.

The difference between the two warring parties is those on the left have nothing to lose. Kennedy “knows” he can keep his wealth. He does not care how many tax laws are passed. Leroy (no whitey education, thank you) Floyd knows he can get away with ignoring education (too hard), avoiding work (too hard), or even acting civil (hey, prison is safer than the streets filled with people like him, plus food and a gym). Neither has a thing to loose, as they see it. They have no principles, they merely want what others have, so long as they do not have to sacrifice anything to obtain it. As a fact, without religion or any real moral compass, what limits their actions is… exactly nothing. If they were messing with superman, that would be one thing, but when they destroy or kill conservatives (or naysayers within their party), the lost are simply and truly lost.

Those who oppose them have only principles and knowledge on their side. An understanding of history, of economics, of Constitutional and Bill of Rights meaning and purpose is great, but it is a thing not easily shared, especially to people who eschew education or think they have earned their way beyond it. They, as groups and individuals, are not as connected, nor interested in becoming interdependent (think conservative Catholics and Protestants). Much of their connectivity is being eroded via laws favoring other than marriage in the form of taxes to social pressure, social disfavor regarding having children, Christian persecution, and even attacks on actual free speech.

Leadership is lacking in conservative circles. Our “dear leaders” have offered McCain. This is like a “nurse” offering candy to diabetic children. Only the stupid one’s will partake. He is neither a conservative nor a capitalist. The leadership which vetted him is worse, rotten to the core, and they should be thrown out, but will not be. No one, with true conservative credentials, has any grip on any of the levers of power. We, like Britain, have a choice between fast or slow socialism.

What is to be done? I can only speak for myself. On principals, I can vote for neither party. I will vote, but I will write in a name. As for the rest, I know which senators and congressmen I will vote for. Judges, councilman, etc? I will vote against the standing official. Most judges need to be recycled, then composted, then taken to a toxic waste dump center. Councilman become thugs if they stand more than two terms. Actually, all politicians do. When was the last time a politician worked two terms then went back “home” to work, real work, not lawyering or doctoring or teaching something inane to vacuous minds at a brand name school of idiocy? Ah, but there is prayer, their is hope (near or far), and their is my certainty that, disregarding the government, I have a King, a home, and a way which is and will be. So, for the most part, I just am.

Actually, we lost the Cold War. The bureaucracy lives, thrives, and grows. Man becomes the beast of burden and women become manlings. Perhaps there will be another great hopeful, Christian, and good nation in a few thousand years. This one is about to be turned to the dark side, regardless of which becomes the next president. Unless congress and the senate goes conservative. Nah, most are RHINOs, again, it does not matter.

A good start.

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I was up and at it early this morning. I did not hear the first alarm, that I can remember. But the second alarm, at 5:30, did wake me. A couple of snoozes and a slow start did make me wonder if I would get to the pool today or not. After waking a bit, I did finally get there, if an hour later than is my goal. After that good swim Monday, I was not sure how I would do today. I got in and gave it what I had.

Up to this point, prior to today, I had completed 20 laps, of various styles, 3 laps at a time at most. I had only completed 3 laps consecutively once, actually. Most of those laps were 1 at a time. Something happened today, the resistance seemed to dissipate. I started with the paddle board, resting my hands on the thing while I used my legs to kick. My kicks have improved, as has my breathing technique. My legs hurt a bit after the first lap, but I pushed on to see if that would subside. After three laps, the pain was still there. I decided to continue. I made it to 10 laps and considered a break. The problem was, I was not tired and my legs had numbed a bit. So, I continued.

As I was swimming, trying to also make sure I did not lose count of my laps, I started trying to figure out how far I had gone and how much such and so many laps would be. It is odd to do math while swimming, but I was doing just that. I kept thinking 10 times 25 yards times 2 (1 lap is 2 25 yard lengths). So, 50 times 10 equals 500. I just swam 500 yards, and I was still going! Then I was trying to figure out what a half of a mile was. I kept having odd results, until I realized (it was early mind you) that there are 3 feet in a yard, not two! So, 5280 divided by 2 might well be 2640, that has nothing to do with how many yards, and 1320 yards is not a half mile, 1760 yards is a mile! So from that, 1760 divided by 50 equals 35.5 laps. Divide 35.5 by 2 and you get 17.6 laps, which is 880 yards and 1/2 mile. The math can get a little messy in the pool, but I finally did get that 18 laps would satisfy my newfound goal. I completed that swim, with the paddle board, and did an extra lap in case I made a mistake in counting (which I think I did, I think I missed counting a lap while doing the math, so I might have done 20 laps).

That took a great deal of time, however. I had hoped to do crawls, but I was not sure, so when I finished the half mile swim, I asked a nearby lifeguard if I could stay after 8:00. He said no. So, instead of taking a break and losing what little time I had left, I did 4 more laps using the crawl, and a continuous 4 laps (200 yards). I was pretty much out of time at that point. So I headed to the locker room.

I am not sure what happened. The ability just opened, I pushed past a little initial resistance, and… swam a half mile using only my legs. I do not know if I will be able to do that Friday, I only know I was pleased to do it today. I am getting better. I am stronger. I hope the lifting goes better today than it did Monday though. We will see.

A middling day.

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I awoke early, again, this morning. I went with my friend to the laundromat. We both had items which require a front loading washing machine (according to the manufacturers, whatever). So, we decided to go together and play backgammon in between loads. I usually win at the game and today was no exception. We had a fine time, or as fine a time as two people may have in a laundromat. Both of us were a bit tired still, so we did grumble and grump a bit. Maybe that was just me, maybe not.

Afterwards, we planned to have lunch. I received a call indicating that my home health assistant would be arriving to do some cleaning so I had to decline the offer. The assistant failed to arrive, as is becoming typical. My nurse did arrive though, as scheduled, but an hour later. We could have had our lunch. A rain check, it was agreed, for a rainy day. I usually enjoy visiting with my nurse, and today was no exception. She likes to hear my stories, silly as they sometimes are. So, this time I told her of my great public works, that being the moving of two unprepared people. And I discussed my new, perhaps very temporary, doctor.

My blood pressure was in the 140/90 range, my temperature was up to over 98 for the first time since that has been being recorded (for about 2 years, off and on), and I have lost about 3 pounds according to her scale. I cannot recall what my pulse was, but it was reasonable as I recall. Oh, she also offered me three home-grown tomatoes! She planted twelve tomato plants in order to can them this year, but her yield is too low. So, instead of trying to eat what is there, she is giving them away. It was a pleasant gift.

The rest of the day has been merely tinkering and goofing. I have stayed up the day and I should rest well tonight. I have swimming in the morning, trash to take out, a few tasks I would like to tend to regarding minor business and personal affairs, and then I have weight lifting in the afternoon. I need to get to studying again, as well. I am nervous about classes and I really want to excel. I am not as worried about the grade as I am about the understanding. I think the two will likely shadow each other, to some extent, but an A is not enough. I have spoken with enough graduate students to know that merely going through the motions, even at an A level, is not enough for graduate school. A fundamental, and to some degree a theoretical, understanding of much of this material is needed to make it in upper level work. Though I may never make it to graduate school, or even perhaps to an undergraduate degree, my goal remains. Further, I am behind. I am behind students merely here to do undergraduate work. So, yes, work, study, pre-study, and consistency are my only hopes for my goal.

I am extremely tired, if happily so. I am pushing my days back into shape, if I am, as always, nervous about how long and well I can maintain the thing. It was a beautiful, hot, Iowa day. I think tonight will be pleasant, if pleasantly unremembered. Goodnight.

So far so good.

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I completed my swimming and worked out. I went swimming at around 6:00. I then returned home, showered, then visited my barber friend, though I did not end up getting the trim I had planned. I might get to that Wednesday. On top of my plans, my lady friend dropped in to do her laundry. She ended up doing my dishes (helping, nah, she did most of it). She also insisted I take out the trash, which, again, she “helped” me to do. Then I had an afternoon appointment with my new doctor. She did keep me from napping, however, and I was off to my appointment before she left. After my appointment, I returned home, napped (many hours, but), then woke up. I really had to push to get the weight lifting done, I was still very tired. And, I suppose, that old fear kept trying to sneak in and spoil the thing. Not this time, if I did work out quite late/early.

I am very nervous about my new doctor. I think he thinks he is going to play shrink. I indicated that I consider him a transitional doctor, the doctor who will take me from med/psych to a purely medical relationship. I think he has other plans. He is also very dubious about my medicines. He will only keep it as is because he knows my previous doctor and trusts him. He indicated he had not read my file, yet spewed a bunch of crap as if he had. He is not interested in connecting me with a dietician, thinking he will take over that matter himself, personally. On this last, I will give him a chance, but I am doubtful. His attitude and beliefs seem to be in conflict with my interests and health, so far as I can see things. Needs be, I will dump him, and the meds, and just go it alone, again. I never said I was a negotiator. I will give him his 15 minutes, but like I said, I would rather dump a drug pusher or psychopathogen (bad word for pseudo-psychologist) than accept that crap, again, any of it.

The swim went very well. I did more than I ever have, to date, and by far. It is not that I do not get tight, nearly to the point of cramping. It is not as if I do not get tired while swimming. But what is different is I have learned a few ways to allay the cramps and I can now become nearly numb to the exhaustion. I have also been working heavily on my kick, and I have started working on my breathing. Both have greatly increased my stroke in the crawl. I actually look like a competent swimmer (given all), and can stroke a decent set of laps. Maybe not Olympic, but for a 300 pound lost whale… not bad.

The weight lifting was another matter. Perhaps because of the long day, maybe because I was just not able to wake back up well enough after my nap, and then again, maybe it was just because I have not actually formally lifted even if I have moved mass in the moves that my muscles just sort of forgot what to do and how to do it. Fine, I will just do what I can and how I can. I did go back to a previous weight set. I will be using that for two weeks before cycling up (rather than the one week I had been doing). It was a tough lift tonight, but I did get it done.

I have a busy day tomorrow. I have three appointments, a social call, and a few other things I would like to do myself (including physics and ‘statistics and probability’ study). I guess I should say that is today! Drats. Still, I will do what I can, as I may, to the best of my ability. I will do that one day at a time, in sequence, until those days are gone. Then I will ask, when give my pie in the sky, if Saint Peter could add a side of ice cream (if he would not mind). :p

Woot!

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I am awake! It is 5:45 (but my watch is fast, it is actually 5:35). I have been awake since 5:00 (again with that time thing). I wanted to start this week off right. Last week was so dragass I could not believe it. It was depressing and hurtful even. And, resting only made me tired! I could not get going, I could not even enjoy being inactive. So, last night, I put all my effort into getting up today. I did give away last week, perhaps to my old self? It was not a loss, it was not a retreat (if it felt like that), it was a week off that I thought I needed. We will see. But not this week, this week is mine and must be mine. I have too many things going on and working out is back on the menu. So are social activities, appointments, some business, and a few extras!

As always, when starting things back up again, there is always that fear of failure (and success). There are the nagging doubts. The uncertainty about being able to do what I have planned in the short run, and in the long run. There is always a nagging uncertainty about what I should actually be doing, as well. How much can I do? I have a whole mind full of questions, doubts, concerns, and complications. I decided to set that aside, and again, today, begin the rest of my life. I am curious if a week off has hurt me a great deal. I will see with the swim, and then when I lift weights tonight I will have a full picture. Either way, I begin, again, wherever I am. That is as it has always been. Yes, I am excited!

I have a doctors appointment today, though I am not sure what time it is. I will have to call when I get back. If it is later this morning, I may stop by my Barber’s shop, I have been negligent. I will be wearing my weights to the recreation center, the vest weights, 75 pounds of them anyway. I figure that will give me a short and sweet preview of the item. I have become somewhat comfortable with it here around the house. I must admit, it is a pretty serious load. I may wait to add the last 25 pounds for some time. I am very serious about getting up early each day this week, even my off days. I would like to start walking on my off days, with the weights and maybe with a friend. I also have an appointment with the VA voc. rehab. this coming Thursday. He sounded pleasant, this time. We will see. Either way, it is pretty much a done deal, school that is. Now, however, to see if I can make it.

Off weeks are full of boogeymen. I am one, but that does not help. I think I have to stay busy, and at it, or I fall. That frightens me, though, as I am not sure how long I can tread water. And I think treading water is all life is. *huff, huff, huff…* *Go!!! Go!!! Go!!!*

While I was at it... too funny.

What Your Feet Say About You:

You are more expressive than most people. You let everyone know how you're feeling - the good, the bad, and the ugly. You are a very passionate person. You are highly charged and easily inspired. You are an assertive person at times. You'll pull out all the stops to get what you want, if it's worth it. You take a while to fall in love, but once you do, you stay pretty attached to your partner. You are not afraid of anything. You are brave and courageous, even when most people would be terrified. You are very practical and down to earth. You're more concerned with action than thoughts. You are very spoiled. You don't work unless you have to, and you love to be waited on. You are easily influenced by other people. You're quite impressionable, so you should only be around people who are a good influence.

What Do Your Feet Say About You?

What Your Hands Say About You

You are logical, analytical, and rational. You have good verbal skills. Bold and daring, you're not afraid to change your life if you think it needs an overhaul. Brainy and intelligent, you are intellectual to the point of being incomprehensible. Your emotions tend to be relaxed and uncomplicated. You don't read too much into things.

What Do Your Hands Say About You?

Hmmm?

Your Slogan Should Be

Once You Go Doom. You'll Never Go Back.

The Slogan Generator

A slow week.

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I have not done a great deal. I have not figured out how to wake up early yet. And there are some things I had hoped to start that I have not. I have set school up, I finished “negotiating” with the college people, I have created a schedule (which fits everyone’s criteria), and I have arranged the final appointment with the last man on the list. I have started wearing the weight vest. I started with 50 pounds and I am up to 75 pounds now. It really settles me down. Though I have not be walking with it yet, I do wear it for hours at a time here at the house. When I get back to swimming, I will wear it in my walk to the rec. center and back.

I have noticed that my skin is changing. It is becoming thicker and stronger. I do not cut as easily as I used to, even though that never was a problem. Some of that may be due to the extra sunshine it receives, but some of it is due to tightening from muscle growth. You would notice a large difference, Waterboy, from when I visited. Though I am not thin, or greatly more muscled, I have traded off enough fat for muscle that even I am surprised (and can see) and since my visit.

I do not know how to figure out how to get up earlier. I know it includes going to bed earlier. Neither seems to be an easy task, or completely successful even when I am able to get to bed earlier. Still, swimming will have to make it back into the queue. Weight lifting can be done at almost any time, so I am not too worried about that. I need to begin getting up early for classes anyway, so it would be great to get up at 5:30, shower and go swimming, come home and shower, then head right on over to school for pre-class studies (and to bushwhack the TA’s and profs).

I have not heard a word from the V.A. dietician. I have an appointment Monday with my new doctor so I will ask then. I may also try to arrange therapy sessions. It seems they allow these when school starts. It adds to the load, but I have found that it can help. The major thing is as I become more able, it is new territory. I have to go through new and old fears, again and again, until I am a bit more familiar with a particular fear (as with weight lifting and the fears of failing or not being able to lift the new weights and etc.). She helps with this and allows me to investigate some things. I should just call it a resource and leave it at that.

That is about it for this week. Note to self… Relaxing and just kicking back is not worth the lack of effort. *sigh* I am going to be tired no matter what I do, so I might as well earn my exhaustion. *grins*

I am getting ready to close shop.

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I really have nothing to say, actually. I never did. This was mostly a journal. I have found, however, that I never read from the past. I have little interest in doing so, as it turns out. I had thought about pulling the blog into a file, but it looks like a heck of a lot of work. As well, I cannot think that any of it is of any real value to me or anyone else.

In any case, this is it. I will be closing up in a week or so. Somehow I doubt if I can kill it, but I will do what I can. I will still visit some of you. I am not sure I will comment anymore though. It is time to let this whole thing go away. It is encroaching on my real life and, I suspect, in a very negative way. Political correctness seems to be mandatory for anything involving colleges, government workers, and even it seems, churches.

No response, fine. Deleting my comments, not fine.

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I had to let some people go (bloggers). Apparently I am not good enough to comment on their blogs. I was not told why, I was not told to go away, I have just been blocked. My comments just never appear on their blogs. Some of these are “men” with plenty of written spit and fire. “Guys” who swagger around as if they had a pair. Most women have more in that department and are honest. Then again, what can be expected from “modern men”?

If I got someone by accident, let me know. I was a little miffed and may have made a mistake. Some of you I dropped because you are inactive though, too. More to come on that score, very possibly. I would like to think something else was going on, but I cannot figure out what. I know I wrote comments. I know they were up, or were in the queue to be allowed or not, and I know they were decent (morally) enough to print, further, I know they are not there anymore or never were accepted.

No skin off my nose. I blog, and comment, for my own purposes. I comment when I find something interesting or worth leaving a note. I generally do not debate, not lately. So, my comments where just that. I am curious if it was my comments which were construed to be bad or whether it is me who is considered bad, if the blogger looked here and did not like what they saw or did not want to have contact with this (my) blog. In the end, I suppose it does not matter. Still, and again, I am curious. Do any of you have enough brass to explain your particular situation?

A slow week.

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I have, as I have said, taken the week off. Last week was very heavy, manual labor resulted in exhaustion. I have not, however, completely quit. It is still, usually, quite hot here. Reaching into the 90's with mid to high humidity being common, it makes being active difficult. Instead of actual workouts, I am doing little things, hopefully just for this week. I am getting familiar with my weighted chest piece, starting at 50 pounds. I wear it 4 to 5 hours a day (or more). I do whatever usual slug speed movement I do, but with the vest on. I have not been taking walks with it, yet, as I am slowly adjusting to the weight and learning how to maneuver with it on. I have also started studying probability and statistics and physics. I have several sources for study. I spend an hour or two on each topic, taking a break every hour. I am also using the hand strengthening tool off and on, but daily, often several times during the day. I am also playing a computer game, but one that is fairly slow.

Between these things I am busy for a good part of the day without being overly taxed. I am reacquiring the ability to work incrementally on several topics and various more open projects. I ought to start doing the setups and such on the equipment, I would like to have that down, to some degree, when I pick up swimming and weight lifting next week. I am really bugged out that I am not able to awaken in the mornings. I have even turned the AC so that the house is 72 F, rather than my preferred 66 F, in the hopes that a slightly warmer place might help. As I have said, however, I will do what I can.

I still do not know what to eat, how much, or any of that jazz. It is not a problem, until I become famished. Then, whatever is before me or easy becomes food. Unfortunately, that means fast food, sweets, or whatnot. Eating one huge meal, or a high calorie poorly planned meal, undoes any good those hours without food might have added. And, not eating regularly is not a good thing. It makes it more difficult to maintain energy. The same with not drinking enough water, but that is another thing. Just living is complicated, adding on living well, and the thing becomes nightmarishly intricate. I will do what I can.

I have been thinking.

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I have indicated some of the negatives about the events in my recent history. But there have been some strong positives. I have been able to travel, to meet people, to help people, and to just enjoy life. I think the people around me have, usually, enjoyed my company, worked to their capacity usually, and have been helpful. I have been tested by the strangeness of many things and people and I am sure I test other people’s patience, beliefs, tolerances. In that mix, work and play was completed, meals were shared, and stories and memories were shared. My mother was good, in a number of ways, this time as well. Though she was not ready for the move, she did not try to do any of the lifting other than very minor things and she was not her past typical nagging, demanding, complaining self. She was an excellent help and guide, I think because she did not hurt herself trying to lift or micromanage. She encouraged the work with out shoving, and she had a pretty good idea of where to put things.

I also have a pretty good life. I do not always share well, or share the goodness in me or that I know as well as I would like. I have been keeping busy, working quite hard compared to my last 20 years, and growing in a number of ways. I am getting a handle on my health, if slowly, and in a rough shod manner. And, I try to keep myself open to do the right things, the good things, and to just be available to God’s will. I have prayed for many people, events, and for my own reasons. I have started to be a regular at church. I have even started studying for classes this fall.

Though I still feel totally confused at Church, in school at times, and in life in general, and I may always have that, I am learning to just be patient, ask pertinent questions, and seek other information on my own. I am occasionally exhausted, and seem to be able to do very little. Yet, when I can, and as I must, I do pick up and get going again, often before I think I can (with mixed results). And though I may never have a clear certainty about my history, I can be satisfied that I know today and the yesterdays before and after the period of trauma. I am good with that at this point.

No, life is good. It is hard at times. It definitely moves way too fast. It is lonely, I think with or without a spouse at times, but more so without a wife and children. In spite of these things, often because of them in that they offer a comparison sample, I really do want to live and try to do what I like and to know and love people. I like to experience a breeze on my skin, the sun on my face, and the sights, sounds, smells, feel, and combined sensations that the various seasons present. Yes, it is good to be alive.

The beginning of the end?

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What is happening in Georgia, happily or sadly, is not the beginning. It is merely a message to the West. It is a sign that Russia may be a part of the beginning of the end, and probably will be. Unless there is a major retaliation from the West, this thing will fizzle. Russia will get what it wants and we will do nothing about it. Western Europe can do nothing, we (the U.S.) ARE Western Europe’s military (if, thankfully, we do not (usually) obey their amoral and immoral wants, minus the former Yugo-Clinton-Lewinsky thing).

I was pleased to see this thing happen, however. No, I am favorably inclined toward Georgia, it is not a political, social, or economic event which I want changed within Georgia. What I do like is that people who had become quite at ease with Russia will have to backtrack. We are seeing how “modernist” nations war, and will be able to compare that with how we war. And more, it cast Europe as the feminized ineffective socialism it is. Then again, if Europe arms up, it will become another NAZI Germany. It has the bureaucracy in place, it only lacks a serious combined military. While we are wiping the world’s anus, Europe cannot even secure it’s back door (or help us).

The other thing is, though this does not please me, it does indicate that Russia can and probably will play a large part in the end (of this age and leading into the next dark age or whether it will lead to the end of man I cannot say). Russian and China both have been militarily building up, they are socio-economically coming to an end or changes which the powers that be in those nations may very well not tolerate (either because of their population, economic, or social pressures). War is one way of keeping people too busy to fight back, it opens the way for further suppression of “their citizens”, and it eases certain pressures, and those easings can be designed to cover the problem areas better than an unguided war. They will need to have war, they are built up for it, if they do not war they will lose power, control, or again be left with purges.

This is only an indication that the end game may happen. It can happen, it could happen directly from this (doubtfully). But, it is not happening. Not yet.

By the way, be looking for Russia to begin outlawing abortion. It will be a very sad day to see a Communist nation outlaw abortion first. (though technically not a communism, they exist in very nearly the same type of upper management and brutal action as the old communism, and only exist politically as is because of Russia's history.)

Work and more work.

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After helping move someone else last weekend, I thought I was in good shape to help my mother move this week. I was correct. Still, I underestimated how much help my mother needed. As with the man I helped move, my mother was not at all prepared to move. We had to take things apart, box things up, carry the furniture, and take all of her appliances to her new house, and I helped further by helping my Mom unpack after the others left. Beyond, the move was from a fairly roomy and easy to navigate larger house to a very small, tight cornered, and complex house. I worked for 3 days, doing 14 to 16 hour days, and the move was not complete. I did help with all the heavy items and much of the lesser boxes and other things (all of her clothes were on hangers, so those were moved still on the hangers (3 closets full)).

I also did not care for many of those she was able to get to help. Only one other was able to work hard and lift well. I chose him for the other side of lifting as often as I could (for my, his, and the item’s benefit and simply to get it done more quickly). My mother lives several social and economic levels below myself, and it is not always comfortable (for either of us). She does not understand certain constraints I have and I do not agree that “anything goes” is just fine. Working with her can be quite frustrating. What? You do not believe in social and economic levels or differences? You are a fool. Those differences are as real and poignant as the communication difficulty between people of different IQ levels. Some of each of those is choice, some is not.

I suppose I rejected my mother’s choices before I graduated and moved away. She has never had an interest or aptitude for my choices. (I am not quite academic, I refute much of that, not quite religious as I am ignorant (though I am trying and learning), not quite rich (if not poor), but I am not a hick… at all, I am not sure where I fit, but I do know where I do not fit.) Still, I do love my mother, and I take her as she is (if I choose to have little or nothing to do with most of those with whom she chooses to associate). It is difficult. Difficulty engenders growth though, I think. I am hoping she will enter the Church and find her way (if she has not, though I do not think she has… yet, if I do believe she is seeking to a degree). Now, I know my way may never be her way (and possibly should not be as I can be wrong), I know there is a better way for her (and me). So, as I seek, I try to encourage her to seek. To that end, I have bought things for her to read (things I read, and some things more geared toward her ways as I understand them).

Still, I was able to work very hard and I did a very great deal of work. The other workers were there part time, while I was there full time, plus she had me do other things after everyone else left. None of the others worked more than one day, while I worked each. She is my mother though, and I did promise. I really was happy to do work, and for her, but I was very disappointed that she was not prepared for the move. She had several weeks (at least) to pack and move some of the lesser boxes. If she had packed two boxes a day and moved two more small boxes toward a central area, with the number of workers we had and over the time we had them, her move could have been completed in two days.

By the third day, I was shot. Still, I was able to do one more load and to help her sort boxes, set up her house a bit, and do some running. That last load I did myself, both packing and unpacking two open interior SUVs. If the material was just boxes and clothes, the filled the back ends of both vehicles. The temperature was in the high 80’s to low 90’s with humidity between 57% and Lots%. I am bruised, scratched, and a bit sore. But, it is done, for me, unless she calls and I find that I have nothing on my schedule (yes, I said I would return if she needed me). She still has to figure out how to get the last of her move completed, but that is the price for being unprepared.

I did make it to Church today, to the Latin Mass. But I was not there in time to be an usher. I am quite disappointed, if the whole idea that I would usher this weekend itself was a mistake. I had indicated I would be here next Sunday, but the man I was in contact with this did not understand. So, I had to return earlier than I would have from helping my Mom move (though 3 days was enough). I could check my email at my Mom’s, but I could not respond and let him know. I am going to ask, one more time, that he forgive and give me another chance. Though I plan to begin working out again, that is quite different from 9 hour plus days of harder manual labor. I am thinking, if I can wake up that is, that swimming and working out will be like vacation after this last week. Plus, I will be in air conditioned places while I work out.

Yes, I will begin swimming again tomorrow. I am not sure how to sleep enough or how I will be able to wake up in time, but I will do my best. My ability to follow my schedule still seems problematic, so I will just do what I can. But some things really are pushing me on. My chest is now muscle. There is some fat, but it will not be confused with “man boobs” anymore. I still need to buy some fitting underwear too. And though I weigh 300, I am no longer the same 300. This is going to be a slow process, even with these gains and signs I realize all I will get is small improvements over months and years. If I can even get back to a decent physique, it will be from years of fairly consistent work. If it turns out I cannot get to a fine body again, I will definitely be able to become much stronger, much more fit, and gain a bit better tone and muscular mass.

You know, even though I cannot do everything I hope, that I have to work with those I do not wish to work with, and that nothing happens fast enough, I am enjoying my changing world. I like to work, I thought I did and now I know. I enjoy being useful and welcome. I love being with people. And I like some of the challenges involved with it all. All the bad included into it, life is so much grander when I leave my cave and venture forth. I hope my grumpy nature is not all that people see coming (though I like people to know I have a need for personal space and that I have high expectations and real moral and ethical limits). My prudishness is not how I wish to be known (though I am hoping a sense of personal propriety and humility is conveyed). I hope that I am not seen as a spoil-sport (though I want people to know drug abuse (including excessive alcohol use), and other illegal and immoral behavior, is not welcome in my presence). Yes, it is a tightrope walk, but… *get them off me* and *do not touch me* have their place with “be welcome” and “how may I help you?”.

Just Vote NO

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This was my plan when John McCain became the Republican nominee. Obomber was never in the running for me, his overt socialist, to say the least, political views are a non-starter here. Yet McCain is only a shade lighter in that area. He has supported an encroachment upon free speech, he has chosen the middle ground regarding the judiciary (which usually ends up meaning liberal), he has never been a supporter of the 2nd amendment, he has never supported the pro-life movement, and he is antagonistic toward conservatives and conservativism.

I have always felt that the service was and is the socialism created so the rest of us need not live like that. There is an egalitarianism in the ranks, which actually was functional until women became a part of the services. No, Nancy cannot do 10 day forced marches through hell, then fight, then keep on going. No, Suzy cannot lift Billy, even if he lost a limb or two, and run him 200 yards to safety, then go back for others, under fire or not. So, even that is now lost. The military has been watered down, but that is for another time. McCain came from the “old military”. He was classically trained, with a military and social expectation from a more conservative military functioning. Every general we have allowed to create a government in a conquered territory has created a socialism (of varying quality). Japan is now, and probably always will be a socialism (until the Democrats allow not only Taiwan but even Japan to fall under China’s rule, and yes they would allow it to happen, perhaps sending one aircraft carrier task force to go and be swallowed up before peeing their panties and running to the French). Germany, Italy, and the rest, socialisms, created by generals.

McCain is of this station and nature. He should never be allowed to be president. As a fact, his leftism as a Republican will do more harm than the leftism from his opponent. His election, were it to happen, would all but guarantee Hitlary would win in 2012 (to that end, her apparatchik are helping McCain, they do not think he will live to 2012 and it would be a rare thing for a vice president to go on to be president in such a case). I see Juan, from NPR, bashing Obomber. I see other leftists slamming Obomber. And I see these very Clintonistas using race, and harshly, pushing it hard and often. I am amazed at how brazen they are. Of course, they know they are “untouchable” on that account.

No, let the leftists ruin the hopes they have offered. Obomber has promised, so far, 1 trillion dollars to “help the poor around the world”. He has a 1 trillion domestic agenda, to “help our poor”. And, he has a plan to “ensure all Americans”. How much do you think even half of that would cost? How much do you make? If you make $40k (and are single) or $60K as a couple, or more, you are a rich bastard according to Dems and you are going to get SOAKED. You are about to get hurt, hard! America can come back from a leftist assault, so long as the voting apparatus itself is not too damaged in that time (though it is a serious risk, socialisms this hard are often vote once type of things). There will be a price to pay, but it is, in my opinion, better to cede to their idiocy rather than to prove ours by electing this milquetoast leftist called McCain.

Oddly, I am hearing much of the same from the other side of the isle. There are many disaffected democrats. Obomber is NOT the one. Black, green, whatever, they do not like him here. Oddly, though, the difference, politically, between Hitlery and Obomber is nil. I really wonder how many of my “fairer minded” co-nationalists are actual racists, feminists, or both? Quite a few, as I gather it. Still, let them be leftists, let our party leadership get swept out with the trash they have tried to feed us in presenting McDemocrat as our nominee. I will be voting “No”.

Seeking Heaven on Earth?

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Many of us seek to inculcate Heaven, here on terra firma. We work to bring God and his wisdom to ourselves, to our communities, to our Church, and from our Church. We work hard to try to be right, if we often fail to expand that more than in a minor way. Sometimes we win, in a big way. Sometimes we win even when it would seem we have lost. By developing and maintaining freedoms, we allow sin yet also allow for personal and true goodness and other real freely given charities.

There are others who wish to enforce charity through taxation. There are those who wish to restrict freedom in order to mandate goodness, but a goodness minus God. There are those who believe we should not think for ourselves and believe they, and the government they are in or support, should be the arbiters of good and evil. It never works. It never has. It never will. There are many signs. By their fruits shall they be known. As well, there are other signs.

California, one of the worst places in America, barring the inner city regions, is beginning to show what it is, what is supports, and where it is leading the citizens. Here is what they are perpetuating in that state, or a very good sign of it.

I will be away for a bit. My Mother needs some help moving, so I am away, finally. I was supposed to be there yesterday (though today would also be good, according to her). I had pressing things here and I am still moving slowly, so, today it is. I have a few things to do when I get back, some of you know, and I will try to be prompt. Take care, and... watch out. God speaks in many tongues, sometimes in tongues of flame!

Another animal.

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Today, while sitting outside, thinking about life and nothing and whatever, I was approached by an animal. It looked at me from about 10 yards away. I have seen them come that close before, so I thought nothing of it and I went back to thinking or not. It came closer, then closer still. Odd, it is a wild animal. I have never seen one act like this. Finally, it was just a few feet away. I was not sure about this. It finally came up to my feet and looked at me a moment. Then, without rhyme or reason, it hopped off. If it becomes regular, I might have to keep carrots or celery with me. Some animals are fine to share my space with, some are not. Bears need not apply.

For the soldiers, against the war? That is a lie.

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I keep hearing about people who are for the soldiers. They love “their boys” and just want them safe. They want there to be no war and they do not see a need for war, perhaps ever. Yes, there were people who thought we should not get involved in World War I or II. There are people who believe the Civil War was wrong. And, I believe that mistakes lead to some wars, other wars are created by people who will have it no other way. Quite often, wars started by the latter could have been canceled if the world had shown a backbone. In any case, you cannot be for the soldiers but against the war.

In our traditions, our laws, and our Western (used to be shared) understandings, anything that actively or passively causes untimely death must either be religiously or governmentally allowed in order for the action which caused the death not to be murder. Barring that, all actions which cause untimely death are murders. Further, those who commit those acts are murders. There can be no historical or legal doubt. So, if you are against the war and believe it to be wrong, you believe the people who are acting on those orders to be wrong, and as such, you must convict.

If you believe the war is wrong, immoral, and illegal, then you believe our soldiers are murders. You have no place to go with it, except into some world of denial of right and wrong where only what you think matters and what you think is not based on logic, truth, law, history, or facts. You must convict. Do you like that idea? Perhaps yes, perhaps no, I think some of you do. Those of you who do not like that, understand, it is what it is. You have choices, make them wisely, but do not then cry when the choices put you up as hanging judges.

I have no problem with this. I am for these wars. I have no doubt that they are a correct reaction and further actions. I also think they are unfortunate. With the right people in the White House, these issues could and should have been tended quietly and quickly. Though, nothing is sure. Perhaps this would have been the end result, if later, in any case. I believe the people our soldiers are killing deserve the sentence handed down by our government and am happy to see it completed. I will always regret the losses in our military ranks, if I have some great pride to know there are still men who can and will face death (and most usually win, and when allowed to do their job, complete the task).

I have met it.

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The animal that is. He is an ex-con. He will be a problem as long as certain situations continue. The good thing is that once I saw him, I knew the deal and will deal with it. He, on the other hand, knew what I am, almost instinctively? He wants nothing to do with me and my a.o. He really does not. I happened to overhear some of what he said. I think he will avoid me as much as he can. And, that is best. I have only ever known one ex-con I ended up trusting, and liking, for the most part and within certain constraints. He will never be like that one, he does what he does, his prison time was just a cost of his lifestyle, nothing more. I am also pleased with another realization, I am far more animal than this one and we both know that score. He does not know how to kill, not immediately, not unarmed, probably not even very efficiently with arms. I realize, now, some things are never forgotten. I immediately knew three ways to kill when he presented himself, to my initial surprise.

Sometimes I hate that. It is confining to be something, especially something dark. There are memories that elude, but poison my dreams and thoughts. But, at times like this, it is good to be me. I am pleased to not be under a gun. It is nice to be recognized and to have an understanding. I will sleep better. The dream was worse than the reality. Perhaps I can begin carrying on. Oh, yes, I do sleep lightly, no worries there. Goodnight.

Broodings, malaise, and patience.

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I have not been working out. I had to take a week off, I thought because of the heat. It seems that, though the weather may be a factor, I am shot. It may also have something to do with the amount I was doing and how quickly I was adding things to my regimen. The truth, however, is that I have fallen into that black hole. It is as much mind as body, I am crippled. On the up side, I am doing more in my crippled state than I ever have before. I am still able to do some things, and my body is quite capable of physical exertion. My ability to concentrate, to do things I need to do, and to do things I want to do is limited, greatly.

Though I was able to help with that move, in the heat, in the humidity, and for what ended up being 9 hours was proof that I have some much greater endurance and strength, that I could not wake up for the Latin Mass was a terrible disappointment. It is not just that morning, either. That I am not able to awaken in the mornings or sleep at night (or sometimes much at all) so that I had to stay up the night before just to be there to do the work, that I cannot get to my workouts or swimming, that I cannot take care of my business, and that it takes days to simply go see a movie I want to see is a problem. What is weird though is that, in the week of inactivity since I last measured, my arm has gained another half inch in size.

As I remembered it, it seems still to be true. My body is able to build at a, to me, amazing pace. I have stretch marks on my arms from my first push into extreme physical fitness. I was pushing it, and in my late teens and early 20’s I could. But I was not pushing it unreasonably according to myself or others. I just have one of those metabolisms. I am growing even though I am not eating properly. When my nurse visited today, she did indicate she will hook me up, or try to do so, with a dietician at the V.A. With the right foods and proper exercise (it will be coming back, very soon hopefully), I could explode. This is something I need to take care with as well. I do not want more stretch marks.

I am not sure where I go from here though. I am recalculating my workouts. I will maintain the swimming as I have it set (when I get back to it). But I will be going slower with weight training weight increases. I need to begin using the ab-machine, and I will. I will also add the weight vest for my walks, using only 50 pounds at first, then adding 10 pound blocks of weights as that gets better. But, I have to break through this accidental transcendentalism. I know, I said I believed I was through with that. And, really, comparatively, I am. I am not completely out of it as I enter into it this time. It would be more comparable to a shallow rather than a deep dive. Having worked out seems to have helped.

But what makes me dive? Is it the pushing, the heat, the upcoming demands, the requirements of life itself, or is it just something that happens? Is it punishment for my sins? Is it my body taking a break when I do not give it enough rest? Is it my mind taking a time out to consider my situation? Why this thing. It eats me. Even in this shallow dive, I am rather limited. I push and push and get little if that is more than ever before. I want, will, choose, and still so little. I do pray, in a general way. Imagine waking up and not being able to move. Now, I can move, but I cannot do what I have planned. What is this morass of nothingness? The beast awakens in these times.

The beast, I have not spoken of it in some time. It is the creature within, the animal created when I could no longer function. It was created so that I did not consciously need to be aware and my corpse could still function to allow me to live when my situation became... critical. It was created when I had seen too much, been hurt too badly, or was too far past normal capacity to carry on, but my will to live, or God’s will, would not allow me to die. I was able to function in dark times that way, temporarily, until I lost myself in that, becoming unable to relax, become human again, and just live. I feared it, for many years, and for many reasons. With a little (lot) of help, I came to understand this thing, mostly. I even communicate with it, as one might with an animal, like a pet, no… a pet like creature but of equal not lower status (which means, in it’s area, it has dominion and still). Now I no longer get completely lost in my mind when it is brought to the fore by whatever triggers it. I understand it, and it trusts me not to come unglued in the face of dark things. I know, now, it is not evil. It is not cruel, it has no actual malice, it does not steal, cheat, lie, or lust. It is purely animal and only means to keep me breathing. It will only fight if backed in a corner, figuratively or literally. But in war, it will create a pile of corpses, and if still stuck by circumstances, it will eat those corpses to sustain itself, me. It still has not allowed me to access why it was created. I have dark thoughts and memories, but these could not be. But something is there. Lots of somethings, bones rattling all night long even as suppressed memories, more so in the past, but that has never quite gone away.

I have been dreaming lately. I feel as if something is coming, something animal, to this area. I do not know if it is coming for me. In my weakened state, a battle would be difficult. A fight with something like that would be costly. I hope it is not coming for me, not yet. There are other ghastly visions of the future, but this is closer, nearer, sooner. If it must be, then so be it. I can almost smell it. It is someone’s beast which turned inside out and ate it’s owner man. It has a purpose. It is why Nietzsche believed some of what he did and yet it embodies the real noble beast ideal, disproving socialism’s faux claim to being able to develop such a being. It is closing. Probably just something I ate, but, it makes a good story while I am waiting to recover and restart.

Hellboy and destiny.

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I watched Hellboy. I enjoyed the show. It was not as good as the first, but good enough. The shows are as blockish and brutish as the star yet they convey much. I had the show pegged by the quarter mark, give or take. I have seen this story before, in different ways. At least, I have thought these things in my mind. It is all fun and games until the dark underlying theme becomes present. It casts a shadow until it is all fun and games again. The darker truth is true for all of us in a minor way, more so for a few. It is something that has bothered me since before my illness and follows me, even as I heal.

Every once in a while, a destroyer is born. This creature can harm greatly. It can heal or learn to do so, but that is not what it is about. The only true talent is destruction, perhaps more, the only purpose is obliteration. This does not mean it is cruel, though it can be cruel. This does not mean it hates, though it may hate. It does not mean anything most “peaceful” people would have it mean. As a fact, most “people of peace” are the worst of the lot, willing to surrender to evil and despise their saving destroyers. I would say that is worse.

No, crushers were born and simply do what they do. It is not a passion, but a gift or a trait or even perhaps a destiny. It is something done with little more thought than an artist gives a tube of paint or a particular easel, a pastor gives a particularly nondescript Sunday, or a barber gives to a particular head of hair. Some thought, certainly. An initial evaluation before, then during, and sometimes after the task is completed. But these thoughts are almost automatic, they come with the skill sets, and after the initial training they grow and become more creative, individual, and specific. But they are mere whispers of consideration, nuances of interpretation, non-taxing dalliances with what might have been, what is becoming, and what will be.

I am one of those. Perhaps I am no Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, or Vox Day. Yet, even in the condition I am in, granting me license in mortal combat, or even making a mistake, could be fatal. I dream it still, in the background. I smell it, feel it in others, sense the pull, and know when to be prepared for the most part. A proper hunter could approach off the radar, but if not immediately fatal, I have a means for that as well. I have even told those who risked the danger and threatened me that, should they win and “kill me”, they had best behead me. I have been back before. I have lived through what should not be lived through. Humiliation is a known, I can deal with it. Pain, suffering, and loss in all it’s connotations, are common material, having learned these beyond what some may ever understand.

And yet, some of us are called. I was called by my Father. After some not insignificant struggle, I came. After further struggle, and then a… a release, I bowed, then later kneeled, and finally surrendered. I have surrendered and won, it was the only way to lose. I did so gratefully. I am more pleased than any might understand to, once again but this time perfectly, to have a Master. I am growing in strength of body and mind. I am learning both religious and other intellectual material. I am expanding my world of friends, rekindling old friendships, and becoming a more full family member. All, of course, given to His glory and with thanks.

What this comes to, however, is a question. How can one of the Four Horsemen come to know Christ? How can War know love? How can I be what I am and be what I am called to be? Is there a choice, or is that the choice, or is there a need for a choice? Perhaps I am not 6’5”, red, with a hand of stone. Of course I have never fought foreign deities, shot a Smith & Wesson .5000 magnum, or dated lady delight. That is all, hmmm, metaphor though. My guide is St. Michael, I am a form of ruination, and I have warred more than most people, even most soldiers, ever will. I was born at war, I felt that call when young, I almost knew I think.

Anyway, the movie was so-so. Go see it if you are a fan, or bored. I think it was better than batman. There is more here than just good and bad, there is the ugly too, in more ways than one. *riddle me this* Just do not expect a lot and you will not be disappointed. Then again, maybe I am being hard on the movie because I am so chipper?

Not bad.

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I helped move a man whose apartment was flooded. It took him a while to find a place, he had to wait until he could get back into his apartment anyway. Between the two, he could not move until today. He was staying with a someone, thankfully, until this move. And, he will be staying with this new friend until Monday as the central air in his new place is down until then. The woman who allowed him to stay was quite generous. Though she knew him, she did not know him quite that well. It is amazing what people have done for others during this flood.

We ended up having enough people to do the move, though it was a rather large task. Iowa weather, in early August, is exactly what one might suspect. I do not know the temperature or humidity, actually, just that it was high and high. I did well, physically. Though I think I will try and drink more water when doing such things, and I have a Camelbak which should help with that. I was able to work full time, taking short breaks every half hour or so, incorporating the rest in moving boxes from the inner van to the rear hatch or waiting for another to do so. I was pleased with my change in capacity.

Tomorrow I will be going to Latin Mass, but I will be there well before the mass. We are going to have another practice ahead of the Mass. After forty years of not doing this particular type of Mass, it is taking some practice. For those who are not familiar, the Mass (of any type) is actually considered to be an hour long group prayer and celebration (as I have been told). Though there are parts of the process, such as the homily, the readings (from the Old Testament, usually the Psalms or it might be incorporated into song or chant, and the New Testament), the Eucharist, and such, the whole is considered combined as a ritualistic and actual prayer. I am quite excited to be a part of this particular change in the church and some of the people who seem to be interested in this change.

I will be leaving Tuesday to help my Mom move. I am having much more confidence in my ability to help her. She has said she is ready for the move, having most things packed and knowing what is going and where. After the move today, and though she will most likely have more to be moved, having her to guide makes the process more comfortable to me. I will need to try and keep her from lifting! She is a force to be reckoned with, she likes to get things done, and she just does not understand her limits. Though and in truth, she has proven that she has fewer limits than one might suspect. In spite of that, I really do not want her working, after two back fusions, two knee replacements, and foot surgeries, it really seems as if she would be fragile. I wish I had half of her oomph.

I should sleep well tonight, and so should you, if you know what is good for you. Tomorrow I have Mass practice, then Mass, then I will be going over to see my neighbors for a long awaited social call. It is good to catch up on what has happened and maybe make some plans for future events. Though I will be gone this week there are still a few weeks when I return for fishing, hiking, picnics, or other assorted fun summer stuff. It is so good to finally be enjoying life, but more so to finally again be getting in shape to enjoy summers. This has been the first summer in 20 years I have really been able to have a great time. I will not be wasting it. It burns many calories as well!

Wardrobe malfunction.

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It does happen, and sometimes it is an actual malfunction. I had hoped to see results but I had not quite expected one quite this quickly. It is my underwear. Though I can tighten my belt, tuck my shirts a bit further in, and do these things without noticing or thinking about them, having my shorts fall off under my pants had lead me to the conclusion that I am really losing some size. I will have to buy new, and quickly, before I have something really embarrassing happen. What that could be I do not even want to think about. I hate shopping for these items in particular, however. Each company has a different size, and what I like is an odd fit anyway. I may have to buy some inexpensive temporary skivvies until I can sort this out.

The dread queen left, shortly after waking up. It seems she slept quite well. She was almost chipper when I too arose from my “nap” and came out to see. We had thought about having dinner together. She decided to go to her house to finish waking up. I think she does that in a coffee and placement ritual type of thing. I understand that. At first I thought her battery had not charged. She doubts me, continuously, so this bothered me. I checked the machine itself, it did not look to have charged. I came back in to get the keys and her doubts and anger surfaced. It was fantastic to find, when I tried the ignition, that not only did the truck start but that the battery showed as fully charged. Upon diagnosing the situation, I realized that the charger is also a jump-starter and has a battery itself. The indicator lights that show on the device only indicate whether the internal battery is charged. It was good to dash her hopes of my failure.

Swimming and working out again tomorrow. Plus, I will be trying out the ab-machine for the first time. I am actually sore today. Working out itself usually manages the aches though and oddly. I think I just did too much too quickly Monday. I think I will be able to do most of my other tasks, if I can stay awake and stay on track. Though it is late, I did nap. And I have a strong incentive to get up for the 6:00 swim, Monday was very tough. Until I get things arranged and become much more solid it behooves me to follow the regimen closely. I am looking forward to it though.

Goodnight, sleep well, and I hope you do well in your efforts.