This, like my exam, is at least now over.

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This was a decision maker. I had expected this but hoped against it. Now that it is done, I may begin formulating plans for the rest of the story. With our first marxist in office, there is little hope in the economic, civil, or other markets. And education, at this point, seems quite useless. There is some strong doubt in future elections. Time has run out on America. Look to Europe to see your fate, look to Russia to see it more clearly. I have a few things left to do, a few purchases to make, and a little digging about locals, and then it will be time to act. Nothing to see here folks, you have seen train wrecks before, though you may never have been in one before, that is true.

Republicans, I hope, will learn from this. Should they ever get a real opportunity at an honest election again, they had better never stick a McCain (or Palin) in. They had to know better. Then again, as I have suggested, in the parties race to become progressive, they may have selected McCain so as to allow a Dem to do what they knew they could not get through. And, if elected, they will refuse to change any of it as they have refused to do on anything, really, from as far back as FDR. The party has been absorbed into the Dem party, for all intents and purposes. How could they have affected things otherwise you ask? They could have come out swinging, backing a real conservative right off the bat. They failed in their leadership. I would say it looked like they were grooming McCain and splitting conservatives from the beginning, but that is just my take.

Well, as I said, it is done. Both may well be failures, one for sure is. Now to get on with life. There is a little time before things need to be battened down and things need to be hidden, but time is short. The law will become a mere tool, and old friends may well become informants. I would suggest becoming much more careful about how much you say and to whom. Knowing your enemy is not enough, people have shown a weakness that cannot be expressed in mere words in this election. You have been put on notice. If you “cling to the bible and guns”, best to do so privately now. He does intend to take both, one way or another. Hitler has been elected, only he does not have a mere 1/3 of the representatives on his side, and forget blue dogs, they are in his pocket.

Exhausted, but…

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I went to the afternoon class. We covered the test a bit then went on to go over more material. The average, it seems, is around 75%. I did some things well, other things I am just not sure about. I did ask about the one question I did not know. It seems it was a somewhat complicated question regarding exponential distributions where the variable needed to be adjusted, with the data given, then formulated. At least I know if it still does not connect. On my way to and from class, I ran into some overt Obama fanaticism and some outright racism. I guess some believe he is going to win and plan on becoming loud, proud, and rude, starting today. I do not truck with such nonsense, and you will be polite or find out what not being polite means. I do not care if you join the Obama Youth or not.

On my way home, I almost forgot to go to the bible study. Tired, sore, hungry… but I like going so much it does not matter. And, since I was awake and on my way, I made it just about right on time. It was fantastic. The readings today were very powerful. They included how Christ obeyed, to his death and life. How the guests had other things to do, so they could not come to the feast. All of them, to me, regarded duty. Doing what you are supposed to do, what you say you will do, and even doing so at some disregard to your own self interests. The discussions were, as usual, very good. We have a good group of men. We get perspectives from all sides and it does lend to a fuller understanding.

One of the men brought something he had put together, it too was quite amazing. He had a picture of the famous painting with the hand of God and the hand of Adam nearly touching. He had an interesting idea about it as well. Man was barely trying to reach out his finger to touch God, while God had made all and then taken the step of reaching out himself. The lack of effort in men became blazingly obvious when it was noted and the painting was viewed with that in mind. And, into my own life, yes, I see it. Though I try, often even when I could, I say I am too tired, sore, or lost. When offered a chance to join, I do something else. It fit with the readings, and well. I do understand I am disabled, more seriously from time to time, but when I am not, what then? I do need to look, always, at these things.

So, do I fail to realize God when I refuse to be treated rudely or disrespected? I do not think so. I think we must demand respect, both as children of God and as men of flesh. To not do so is to disregard our station in creation, heaven, and earth. To encourage bad behavior is also not helping, it encourages further encroachments by the lesser aspects of lesser men. Becoming prey to ill will must only encourage the behavior both generally and specifically. Do not act as prey, or not only will you be predated specifically, the beasts will grow to enjoy the taste. I will be my brother’s keeper, if it kills him. And yes, that is good too, so long as it is proper. For the wisdom to keep that right, I look to my patron saint, Michael, to Mary, and to God. Each offers words, wisdom, thought, and guidance. They also offer forgiveness should I make a mistake, so long as I acknowledge and bring that forward for forgiveness rather than tucking it away as a pet blood lust or something.

I am rambling. I am quite exhausted. I pulled a 36 hour trek through yesterday, with only a small nap, and while I am still trying to recover from the recent spate of exhaustive days and nights. I slept most of the day and I am assured to sleep most of this night as well. I have an appointment in the morning and then classes after that. Plus I need to reschedule an appointment and hopefully clean the inside of my vehicle. When the sun is shining, I must take advantage. Though my body is still somewhat sore and I am still weak, this is as good as it will be for a while. The sun is shining, if barely. Life is good, the tests are done, I did not retreat to suicidal thoughts (and have not for well over a decade), I did not quit, and if I have not passed this exam, I have done all that I may to that end. I will sleep well.

Where am I?

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It took a bit to come down off the adrenaline high from the exam and get to sleep, but I did and then I did. Waking to some buzzing mean thing, I did not know what was happening, where I was, when it was, or who I was. I was not sure what was making that noise either but I wanted it to stop and I wanted to sleep more. I found the source of the racket, and figured out what it was and from there started to figure out some other things. More sleep, yes. So, my fingers found the buttons and I added an hour to the alarm and reset it and back to bed. Once I laid down everything started to come back. The day, why the alarm was set, what time it was, you know, those little details which provide a larger view of the world. Oh, and my name, who I am, and some of the bigger things trickled back to the front. Good to know, I guess. Zzzz…

I did not quite fall back to sleep. I did recover for about an half hour though, more slowly and fully waking, and beating that dreaded alarm. I do despise the thing, if I need it and so tolerate it. If I were king, those things would be outlawed. Business would just have to figure out other ways of keeping going and people would just have to learn to wake up or not, then deal with it. Until that day I will just suffer through the blasted things. I have avoided the news, and will continue to do so until I get something back that the results are pretty much in and counted, though knowing a lawsuit or two could easily shake the thing up. This also means I will be ignoring blog posts which try to infect news into my mind stream.

Wow, it has been a tough two weeks with the two exams and exhaustion. I can only hope that I can begin to get ahead with the new situation. If not that, perhaps I can at least stay even. Who knows. With 10-14 hours of awake time and 6 hours of functional study time is a lot of time, so I think I will be okay. If it holds. I am so glad I took the risk and expense of going to another doctor. Even so, it is like my body just cannot pump enough blood, or fire enough electricity through whatever needs electricity or something. The will is good, the body is spent… or more, just not working. I spend as much time fighting it as I do anything else. It is like the corpse is dead and through will I force it to function. Too much force and the reality of it, the resistance from the situation, eventually and often quite quickly, simply becomes overwhelming. Lots of fun, in a way.

I best shower and be off to class. Have a good one and good luck avoiding trouble.

Tests and exams.

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I received two in one today. I was not quite prepared to take the exam this afternoon, my allowed cheat sheet was not prepared. I was given the examination to take at home. That was the test, would I cheat? I passed that before I took it. Though I did spend more of the night studying, I could no more cheat than I can fly (currently, though probability makes that a pretty sure bet even in the long run). I finished the exam a little under the time allotted. I was able to scribble something down for everything but one problem. I am pretty sure I did very poorly on the test, but that is as it is. This material is difficult, dense, and there is a lot of it. I have never felt so good about probably failing an exam though. Some tests are more important. Oh, I did suggest to my professor that he not think me a dunce if (though I meant to say when) I did poorly. I thought I had a chance at it, but not so much.

To try and be on the level, I included my cheat sheet, rounded the time up to 2 hours, and suggested that at least there is one more exam. I need to have it in under his door first thing in the morning. I am not sure when the building in which his office resides opens. I will head there around 7:00 and see if I can get in. Barring that, I might have a breakfast and try after that. He seems to need to be somewhere today (dealing with the elections or avoiding them?). It seems like we will be going over the exam in discussion this evening, so he did not want me to have a chance of hearing about anything there. To be honest, I am not sure cheating would have… well, yes, it might have helped on several problems. Still would if I would.

I have to wonder if I am considered an ultra dolt for being the way I am. Or if I am respected. Perhaps a bit of both? Or, in truth, just another student no one ever thinks about. That is more like it. I certainly, for myself, wonder at myself from time to time. And, it is not always with high regard. But then I know me. I make lots of mistakes and I have a long history of failures. I will give that I try as I may and sometimes then some. I wish I could live up to my potential. The potential is real, something just happens on the way to success.

Now to see if I can get back on track with my newly found slightly fuller days. I am a bit behind in physics, so I will need to really dig in. I am just getting a fresh start with this class, so I hope to keep on top of it. The stress of tests will always exist, but being able to be prepared helps both the stress and a successful outcome a great deal. I do have a chance, if a slim one. On the upside, I have had one of my better down times, in that I did not quit, I found a way around what was the problem, I continued to try and study, and I followed through with most of it, dropping only making an earlier contact with my professor to set up a test-time. Yes, he was a little frustrated. I do that to people, from time to time.

It is completed and I can get on with everything else now! But for now, I am exhausted. After I turn the thing in, I am going to snooze if I can.

The elections? Call me when the shooting has stopped, and do not shoot my way. You will be unlucky if you hit me, unlucky if you do not. If I can make it up for classes this afternoon, I will probably still want some sleep after. Perhaps by the time I wake up, the war will have started or the thing will be known, or both, but just as likely both will be awaiting a court hearing. Slap em’ all in irons, I say.

Too close to call?

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Wow, some people’s hope goes beyond reason. From what I have seen, there is no real chance McCain can win. Within the margin of error is not that close when every poll indicates he is down. Now there is the notion that Democrats are wrongly polled higher, by 5% or more. And, there is an unusually large number of callers who hang up (to include me), which might have some unforeseen impact on the polls. I am not sure if I hung up on pollsters or Obamaphiles, though I heard his name each time. How they know my name and number is irritating. I do not want the vile to have that. I must assume it was leaked from either the V.A. or college. Both are fertile grounds for this vile communist uprising as proven by the abuses of power and trust which would allow them to get my name and number. But the nearly fraudulent hopes of anti-O and pro-McCain people (quite often two separate groups) seems insane. Maybe they have something, or there is something there, but my guess is all those in that group know no more than me. I am a bit surprised to see such angst from O supporters though. Then again, they are rather risk averse people. Their threshold to worry must just be lower.

Well, I was not able to get as much done as I had hoped, study wise. I got through what I could, and will try to get through more as the day progresses. I am still sleeping a lot, about 12 to 13 hours. But when I am awake I can stay awake between sleep without nap(s). Concentration is better though it is still weaker than I had hoped. I guess this is as good as it gets, or can get, so I will just have to see how this goes. I will be speaking with my professor today in class if not before.

I have tried to write this well. I just woke up and not everything is in place to do so. Oh well, I will put it forth anyway.

Work has been difficult.

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I still feel out of sorts. I am able to take the high blood pressure medicine and I am able to stay awake. Concentration is tricky, but I am working to expand that. That I am beginning to expand my concentration is saying something. The homework is not easy, lots of material has been covered and it is sometimes exceedingly complicated. With the answers to the problems, I am able to reverse engineer most of what I cannot figure out up front. That takes a bit more time and concentration but it is necessary. I am not sure how much time I have, but my goal is to be as ready as I am able to be by Monday. After that, I will use any time left in order to work further and to begin doing physics. Physics has been languishing as might be expected.

Though that sounds murky, the truth is it is a good sign. I still need to nap often, work for short periods and then back off and relax by blogging or whatnot, and then get back to it when I can. My body still feels like I was assaulted a few days ago. My headache is no longer migraine quality and the bodily soreness has lessened. The nausea is only occasional now. Things are looking up. I have covered a little less than half of the material. My goal is to go through all of the homework (at least once), to rewrite my notes, to complete the quizzes, and to study the more difficult aspects separately by Sunday. I am working diligently to finish the homework today. I do not pass a problem without solving it and understanding it unless the theory will be covered specifically later, which has allowed me to pass up only one problem so far. I am able to do most of the problems quickly. A quarter of them, however, need a thorough review of the material, including searching through the book, the notes, or both, in order to sort them out. My pace will only get slower as the later work is the most difficult, especially with my recent incapacities. I can only do what I can do, goals just add fire to the engine to push me a bit.

The blind study I have done has helped. Though as I expected, what I learned doing that was not functional. Knowing a formula does not necessarily equate to using it in a particular question, though remembering the particulars of why to use geometric versus hyper geometric distributions can be useful. I really do enjoy this work. It is demanding, intricate, interesting, and real. There is only one right answer (though there may be more than one ways to get that answer… sometimes… okay, rarely). I am a bit confused about the studies in general though. I know I would never be able to just pull this up and be able to functionally operate a problem from memory. And more, I would be even harder pressed to see what I am learning here within another type of problem and then begin figuring it out, or which part of it to use if I did see, when confronted by a problem which is soluble, or which could be more easily solved or partially solved, by these operations. This frustrates me greatly. I really DO want to get to that level. I do, however, realize that this is not practical. The same is true for calculus. I really enjoy both fields of math, even if I am a math weakling. Still, I do enjoy this when I can be awake and aware enough to do it. I just wish I had enough extra to play with some of this. That, however, is not within my capacity, at least not yet.

But, darn it, I am not going to quit! I have just enough juice to maybe do this now. And, should I fail, it will not be because I did not use every ounce I have to my name and then some.

My moods, of course, have been all over the board. With exhaustion, my body trying to come back on line, the medications effects, politics, and such, this is to be expected. Actually, emotionally, I should be in the tank. Everything is difficult, daunting, even threatening. I am actually, and in spite of how it might seem here, doing fairly well emotionally, if with some occasional and serious dips. At least that feeling I had before is with me still, and it does not fade in my worst moments! I take it as a gift, if I wish I knew more about it. Though I must admit, with or without that, my ultimate and mundane hope and faith do not fail me. My worries and doubts are only temporary, like a headache. And, yes, I believe God is with me, but more, I want Him here with me. Even at my worst, I share this with Him (and His), and it is good. I do not know His plans for me but I am quite comfortable that even if it is harsh, it will be something I can bear. Well, it is harsh actually. It could become worse. :p Walking on the coals of life I walk on, carrying the cross I have been asked to carry and in spite of my complaints here, I am actually rather happy. Not a happiness from getting things, succeeding, or such, but a deep, sincere, true contentedness which does not rely on success, how I feel emotionally or physically, or other worldly affairs, events, or realities. Yeah, I guess you could say I am good.

The first day.

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The medicine is helping me stay awake, but the rest of the mix is realigning my innards. Or, that is how it feels. I did check my blood sugar this morning, 145 fasting. Though that is not superior, it beats 250 running average when I was checking it regularly when I could stay awake and be active enough and conscientious to check it. I cannot say the medicine will give me what I need to get going on studying, but I will use what I can. I am rather ill, both from the medicine and from anxiety. I hope I do not just pop a cork while trying to take care of business. Oh heck, it is all good, in some ways.

Oh, I did want to mention something. In spite of my doubts about politics, my health problems, and my probable decision about the future of my education, I still feel that sense of hope. It is not about me or politics, it is real hope. No, not hope, certainty. Something changed in reality, and it is not Obama, Democrats, Republicans, the economy, or such. Perhaps it is some kind of reawakening of Christianity. If it comes too late for this election, or for real politics if the D’s take over and change the constitution as they are planning, that souls are saved is something. Lots of souls is really big. We have been persecuted to near extinction before, if we must become martyrs again, so be it. That seems like a losing hope, but it is only if you are vested in this world.

Something which has impressed me, lately, is that the Catholic Church, against the odds and knowing what will happen to it if O. and the other D’s win, has come out squarely in the correct corner, at least on air, the bits I have seen from Bishops and such, and the big gun has even come out. The Pope has made declarations in this. As I said, this is a dangerous time for the Church to be picking sides, especially in what looks to be a lost cause. As for me, I have already accepted the fact that there will probably be persecutions and eventually perhaps outright extermination pogroms against those with real faith. The cardboard Christians will just find other social clubs. They always do.

Although I must admit, there is still a chance O. will lose. McCain will not win, he cannot. If he does not lose, he has only Obama to thank for it. As for D’s, I cannot say. I would hope people could see the danger, but I think they avoid all notion of it. How do the elderly really think the government will be able to afford health care? It will come at their expense. The rest of the world is waiting for us to socialize so, as a group, the governments can begin cutting costs by eliminating the elderly and disabled. Odd that such a large group would not know the risk. Or is it that they see this as a good thing? Do they want this done but are unable to bring themselves to do it? They cannot be ignorant. They have lived through decades of pop-culture warnings. Do they not remember what they thought of the old when they were teens and 20 somethings? That is about to be implemented through the politics of their youth come to life, and death.

My head is pounding, my innards are like jelly, and my anxiety levels are on edge. But, I have work to do. Oh, bother, if you cannot handle the truth, just realize it is Halloween. It is just a spooky story that will never come to fruition. Now, go out and get your treats. Children should stick to things which are for children.

The Doctor.

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The visit, according to my goals, was successful. My new doctor had no difficulty prescribing the medication. I have yet to see, for sure, if it works. My blood pressure, as expected, was high. It was 178/120. I ought to check my blood sugar, glucose, whatever, today too. He suggested I start the rest of my medication immediately and he has set up an appointment for next week to see if my blood pressure is falling. Thankfully, that will be after pay day and I will be able to pay for the visit. The visit and the medicine were a bit of an expense. And, I will need to see him every month in order to fill this prescription. If it works, it will be worth it.

He did indicate, and rather strongly, that the doctor at the V.A. probably had nothing to do with the failing of the medication. He said that such an event would demand the collusion of the pharmacy, and would risk the pharmaceutical practitioner’s license. He suggested that the real root of the problem, and something I have considered, was that the manufacturer changed the formulation. Being a generic, the rules of production are looser, so that how the medicine works can be altered without warning or consequences, so long as certain aspects of the medicine's chemistry remain the same. I have considered non-generic, however, I am unsure as to my ability to pay and the efficacy of such in any case. What this means is that, even if this other prescription works, it is probably simply a matter of time before it too is changed. Given my inability to pay, the uncertainty of any medication, and the rest of it, this means that this is probably the last term of college I will take. It is quite harsh to be in the middle of something and then to suddenly become completely disabled again.

As for my part, I will do what I can to salvage this term. I will not be returning for next term. I will be looking for a place to move until my lease is up or until I can find a means of getting out of my lease by finding a renter my landlord would accept. I had thought to try and store my household goods and personal belongings, but that is quite a task to do solo. It would be a great deal of effort to move it all out of here and then move it all into my new place while also being a great weight, in several ways, holding me down wherever I might end up. So, I will begin liquidating the goods. Books, weights, furniture, all must go. I will pare it down to a basic set of clothing, my outdoor gear, firearms, and few other items. I will get it down to fit in my vehicle both by bulk and weight. At which point, I may begin trying to find a place to move.

Short or long term, a smaller town almost anywhere, which is very affordable, is what I will do, simply to be on my way. Longer term, hopefully, I will find a place in the mountains or foothills with those same qualities. I suppose, once I begin my migration, my health will have to take care of itself. My doctor indicated that there are things worse than death, and looked at me questioningly. I knew the answer he was looking for, a stroke and partial paralyzation. What he did not count on is that, since I live alone, that would be death. It might take two or three days, but it would be death. If it would not be comfortable, it would be sure. I have no one who checks on me and those who do call are used to me being “absent” for periods of days, weeks, even months. Still, it would be good to find some small town in a place I like, attempt to find medical attention if that works for as long as it works, and just enjoy what of my life I may and when I may enjoy it.

It is a bitter pill to swallow, but it is what I have. I know I have done everything in my power to do succeed. And though I have failed, I have had some good moments, I was able to see some semblance of normalcy for a bit, and I have had some successes. Further, I do have some interests left to pursue. There are things I have never done which I will be able to do. I am sure there are people to be befriended, a church which I still feel at home in when I am able to attend, and a wilderness yet to explore. Life is not over, but the shades have been drawn on my hopes of becoming a professional and leaving disability behind. Everyone nears this time, some pass through and find other things in life. I can hope for that part now.

Now to see if I can get through this semester though. I just hate quitting a battle even if the war is over. And, it would be good to leave with another success under my belt.

Messed up!

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I awoke a bit ago and started moving around. Then it hit me. What DAY is this! Did I miss my test, my doctors appointment, what day! I rushed to a device that would give me the truth. With a little relief, my system began to relax. You cannot imagine the horrors of this. In periods where timing is crucial, not being able to trust one’s ability to wake on time or sleep less than a day, stress levels can rise in the extreme. Still, I know I will need another sleep period between now and my appointment, so the dread has not completely dissipated.

On the up side, I will be seeing my doctor soon. As well, I have spoken with my professor during office hours. I let him know I am having serious problems. I also let him know I will be talking to a doctor about my difficulties. He was sympathetic. I think he knows or believes I am not only trying but that I am interested in the material. Or, he is just easy going. Not that easy going, his tests are solid. He has a way of including a lot of material on his tests, and he tests much of what he covers in spite of the speed and volume. Still, that is one thing tended, and one thing needing to be tended. I am continuing to study, for what good it does (there is some good, it just does not feel like it).

Tomorrow will be the deal. Either I will find that the medicine no longer works or that I may continue trying to get ahead but more, begin taking necessary medicine again to lower my blood pressure. What seems lost in all this is the fact that while the V.A. fiddles, my health, not just my life, declines. How long before the high blood pressure does irreparable damage (pick an organ, all are subject to failure, including skin!). I only hope that I am right about what they offer being a placebo. I will find out soon. More stress, if short term. The added benefit, if it does work, is a more full life. Either way, it has been a wonderful year and a half look at nearly normal living. I will never regret it, whatever happens from here on. If I find that I was receiving placebo, however, I am going to be outraged. I will see what I can do about making the doctor’s life a living hell. Liars in some regards are lower than even thieves. In some ways, if this is true, he was both.

Still, if this works, I will need to regain my sea legs quickly. Just to catch up in studies in order to test will be a bit of a feat as I see it. Though I have been studying, it has been a blind study, a study of rote. I will need to actualize a lot of material beyond the rote. I think I can do it but not without a huge push and many man hours and while I am becoming familiar with wakefulness and function. It is not too unlike trying to walk on legs which have fallen asleep. Oh yes, I am nervous if hopeful. So much stress, the election process only adds to it. If Obama is elected or congress goes Democrat, there is little reason to try as I see it. It will mean private ownership (property rights) and any hopes of breaking through economic barriers are both at an end. It will be the enshrinement of the peasant class, by force if necessary. Heck, McCain is not much better, at least without a conservative congress to keep his liberalism at bay, to keep his secular “better angel” notions in check, to keep our borders secure, and to keep his socialism away from the budget. Fat chance. We will see soon enough.

In any event, my causa pro vita is merely to see if this works, if it works to do my tasks and attempt to regain health (to the end of hopefully getting off all medications, at the right time), and to plan for everything else after that as it comes. And, immediately, to be thankful that I did not oversleep, so far, my chance to take that next step sooner rather than later. Oh, yes, dear ones, I am sweating blood. May it cleanse my body and soul of sour fear, dreadful confusion, and seething rage.

Troubles…

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I can neither sleep well, or long, or I simply sleep so hard the alarm clocks are irrelevant and I sleep for a day or two. In any case, I am living in a zombie like state. I have looked at the material but I am so exhausted most of the time I might as well be trying to decipher the material from a book about it written in a foreign language. It was like this with physics but that material was both a little more familiar and slightly easier at the level of the course I am taking. I am in a real fix. I will continue to do what I can, when I can, but this is not looking good. I am considering a medical delay option, depending on how things go with the doctor. He would have to sign off on it and I do not know that he will.

Something else, I seem to be writing poorly. I have received some requests for clarification regarding cheating at school. First off, let me say that this is a journal. College is the enemy, in a way. It is the giant and I am the little guy. Of course I am going to have thoughts of oppression and such, it is the way of it. As a fact, every undergraduate and graduate student and professor I know still suffers through such from time to time. But there is more.

I do believe there is a lot of cheating going on. It seems to be, to a minor extent, the way of all systems. Overt favoritism to discrete dalliances, any human system is flawed. As well, with cheating having become a, seemingly, socially acceptable means of advancement, why would that change because one enters higher education? And, professors often have to develop much more complicated tests to hinder cheating. This change puts those who do not cheat at a distinct disadvantage. As well, some of what I consider cheating may not be such. Learning how to program some of the calculators we use, for instance, is not actually cheating. However, if someone does that and then passes it around, it begins to fringe on cheating.

Do I trust the two professors I have in classes now? Yes, actually. Both seem to offer the material in a fairly straightforward manner, with probability and statistics being a little less so. That less straightforward manner of bringing the material out, however, has more to do with the nature of the material than any choice of the professor to hide or cloud the issue. I have found the professor I have spoken with about the material relatively open to discussion and helpful in the matters. I have seen no real reason to not trust them. The strange bell curves are going to exist in once class because of people like me. The other class, however, does cause some questions, but this does not mean the professor is directly a part of that.

As well, and of course, engineering school is meant to test, not teach, it seems. The goal is to not fail, in spite of failing. We needed a 3.0 or higher to be accepted and our grades are allowed to drop to a 2.0 by our first year, then they need to advance to a 2.2 by sophomore level. I cannot remember after that. And, the average student does exactly that. I would say more than that kind of drop will happen, as many quit and many go on academic probation. By the end of it, half of all engineering students (at least, I think there is some fudging here) drop out of school. The fudging may be that, though half drop out of school, even more change majors. In any case, engineering school is meant to be difficult, brutal in fact. And though as I said, I do not believe we are learning so much as being tested, we are being tested on materials we will likely see when we find an employer who will then teach us what we are to do. My frustration is with the difficulty of fairly attaining a high enough grade to go on to graduate school. Perhaps this is not as much of a problem as I now see it, as testing well for graduate school, among other options, may also open graduate school, but grades looms large right now.

Yes, this is a journal of the frustrations of the process. So, I will not claim to be correct, I do not say that I am being oppressed personally in truth, I do complain and suspect here. What I will do is complain, fantasize, and bark at some hollow blue moon. And, I will enjoy doing so. I try to do it here rather in the real world to other students, as it does no good. But doing it here gets it off my mind and sets it away from me. So, there you go. I hope that clarifies the thing. Now, please, if you would get off my cranky cloud number 9 so that I may resume my vitriol, thank you.

The simple truth.

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I expect Obama will become the next president. As well, I do believe the Democrats will rest control of congress. Regardless of whether I believe this election is legitimate, I do believe this eventuality was foreseen and inevitable. This would have happened earlier, but our first communist was beset on two fronts. The first front was age and disease, the other front was a Republican congress. What this means, to me, is beyond mere words. It means I am no longer a state sponsored free man. When Hitler took office, when Lenin took over, when the Eastern Bloc puppets were placed in power, this is what it looked like. It will take a few years for the Constitution to be subverted, but it will happen. It will start slowly, and sometimes very brown-shirt like. Thugs will attack those in the media who disagree with what is being done. Our media has shown it is willing to be a slave, with few exceptions. After that is cared for, bloggers will be shut down, one way or another. Then the “legal” methods of disenfranchisement will begin. Firearms will become illegal. Elections will be set. Freedoms will be curtailed with, of course, some room for overt corruption as a means of making everyone culpable in being an outlaw. Beyond, with the Feds having a vested interest in all major banks now and with their forces mustered to control Wall Street, various levels of centralized economic planning will begin. Woe be to those who wish to be independent thinkers and actors, even innocently. This time, we will not be saved from our oppressor by age, disease, or Republican resistance.

It, hopefully, will take some time for the implementation of full blown socialism and communism. There is some time to plan, if no real hope for real escape as there is nowhere in the world to go. The planning has begun, in my mind, in means of maintaining as much freedom and life as is possible for as long as possible. I must guess that, if bloggers existed pre-Hitler and pre-Stalin, historians might have saved some blogs much as this one. Though, given historians near wholesale sell out of history, this material would be archived and kept from public edification, if too they would be kept from the powers that be so as to keep historian’s little indulgences into non-group think for their own perverse pleasure. Time is not our friend nor, it seems, is the Republic. Though I hope Americans and the Republic will choose to save itself, I do not see great hope in that. So, it comes down to us. Those of us who know better had best start considering our options, for they are few and time sensitive.

What am I going to do? I do not know, not for sure. I do have a few ideas. I have changed these a bit, due to my previous and public considerations. I, most likely, have as many enemies reading this blog as I have friends. Beyond, even if all you all where friends, thugs have a means of attaining information that goes beyond the typical man’s capacity to refuse the giving of information. I have some equipment and I will be garnering more as I complete my plans to head out. I must admit, I do not plan to go live in the bushes, I merely mean to relocate and lie low. I plan to live in a place where questions are less likely to be asked. I also plan to begin collecting things which should be saved, bibles, the constitution, the bill of rights, and other collections of wisdom. I would consider saving sciences, however, I think those are fairly safe, if their conclusions may become controlled. Then again, that to some degree is already the case.

After the election, I will know for sure. My plans are nearly set, yet I wait to ensure that the end of the Republic is at hand. Once I watch it die, I will begin completing my plans and then begin implementing them. A fire give-away, some drastic choices, a move, and then a settling in. The settling in will include a network of information gathering, a beginning of new friendships and alliances, and finding ways of living quietly and somewhat secretly. I am too old to really fight, and beside I am unsure any such fight would be fruitful. Though I believe large groups being obliterated in warfare against an overbearing state, time and again, would eventually have some real affect, I fear that such a thing would eventually merely turn to terrorism which I do not abide, which methods I do not believe are right serving, and which beyond that I do not believe will work in the end.

And, yes, that is how I see it. Many of you cannot move and believe you will not need to move or hide or change. Most of you speak your mind, whether left or right. As such, I assure you, you will be subdued. You will be pushed. If you are on-line, you have some wealth and education. Both of those also go against you. Do what you wish and believe what you must. Your hope in man, if it exists, will soon be extinguished. My hope is with you, but my surety is not.

A run in with the police and some thoughts on politics.

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My run in with the police should not have been a problem. For my part, my headlights were not on and it was night. When I go through a fast-food drive-through I switch from headlights to running lights as a courtesy to other drivers in line. I had done this and then forgotten to turn the headlights back on. I get received my food then drove out of the frontage road area and pulled onto a busy thoroughfare, ignorant of my situation. All of a sudden I see flashing lights and I pull to the inner lane (which is also the turn lane) to allow him through, but he pulls into my lane so I begin looking for a reasonable place to pull over and park and spot a parking lot. So, I get set to pull off the busy road and get to a parking lot. He starts yelling out of his vehicle and aims his spotlight on my side rearview mirror and puts on his siren as I am making the turn and orders me to stop. I got a little hot, so I stop, mid-turn, on a busy intersection, and get out.

Yeah, it could have gotten hairy. It did not. He cools his jets a bit, asks me to get back in my vehicle, and comes up to talk. He is still very rude, demands my particulars (drivers license, registration, and proof of insurance). I still do not know, at this point, why I am being pulled over! And yes, I am still a bit miffed. He returns to his vehicle to run everything. As he is leaving, he suggests this is about me not having my headlights on and that while I slowed to turn, he thought I had stopped and had gotten out of his vehicle (I had not seen him do this), he said something else but I did not hear it (just that it did not sound smart). When he returned his attitude was gone. He has a warning ticket but he is also very apologetic about his behavior. He also suggests I not leave the vehicle in such situations (which even I know and follow given rational situations). He actually and literally apologized. I accept the apology and decide not to speak with his boss, after he explained his side of it to me.

Though still a bit put out, it is more left-over adrenaline from the encounter. No harm, no foul, if I think something is just a misunderstanding. He had indicated that they (officers) can never tell in these situations, given his side of things and my exiting the vehicle, if he is dealing with an anti-cop, someone on something, or what. And, yeah, I see that. As well, I think he finally understood that not only was I cool, I was legitimate. I wanted to tell him that I respect law enforcement, the job it does, the restraint officers usually show, and such, but I just thanked him for his service. Too much is too much. The more I think of his words, the more I hate academia, actually. With people like Ayers running the show, supporting hate and vitriol against both military and police, I have no misunderstanding of why the culture wars are so hot that situations like this happen. As a vet., I feel it every day here. It must be much more so the officers.

In another vein, I keep hearing that McCain might really win and yet that the Democrats are set to take over congress and very possibly in a bullet-proof manner. One of these has to be ridiculous, or the elections are rigged. Those who vote for McCain would not vote for Democratic congressmen. If McCain is elected and the Democrats get their congress, it will mean the votes are counted like the census… according to “statistics”* but with the allowance of a RINO president. Though I think that will not happen. I do not care if everyone voted for McCain, he will lose. This election has already been stolen, most likely. Any other outcome will mean the Republic aspect of this nation is still intact enough to split the thing. Call me a doubting Thomas if you must, it is what I believe. As for my part, I will not vote. I will not lend legitimacy to a broken false system. Until they clean out the election junk, clean out the Republican Party, and get straight, I am out of the process. Not that you care, but now you know.

*see academia, to and maybe especially include “statisticians”, rant above

Evil and me.

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I keep having a strange notion. This notion indicates that if I simply let go I may see my worldly aims hit their mark. If I release my belief that there are right and wrong I may more freely roam the plains of success. Should I relinquish my understanding of sterling character I may find more friends. And should I give my ideals the slip I might easily find a relief from my pains. My successes would include a career and access to power, my new friends would cover my back while I do whatever I please, and I would no longer need to worry about the hurts that come from betrayal and the many wounds caused by powerful enemies who live outside of my worldview. Beyond, I know that I have been given all the gifts to rise to the top of the dark pile of human moral detritus. To be honest, I think I was born to that. Free will has a way of messing up the best laid plans of mice and demons.

I suppose what I am saying is, if I would just let go and do what my darker instincts suggest, I could have my way. I could have my way with women, I could have a pile of gold, and I could do pretty much anything I want. I am built strongly and smartly enough that I could take what I want and outthink and outmaneuver most, if not all opponents. If I joined others like me, life could be quite pleasurable. Why do I resist? It seems the more I resist, the more resistance I encounter. Whether the resistance is active, in people who know and wish for me to let go, or passively, in people who are drifting in life and who’s hands are evil but who also do not know or understand what they do, I face a formidable enemy who only wants to “get along” so long as I and others offer no resistance.

I remember as a very young pre-teen being offered a “joint”. I refused. I was attacked. I broke his nose in two places, barely getting off my butt to do so. Sure, his friend, a sophomore, came along and beat me down (no broken anything, happily), but I did not submit. I remember being offered a “train”. Not only would I not join, I first asked the woman if this was her wish and when assured she was in on it, I left before the thing left the station. I have been offered evil often. Though I have certainly failed some, no, many tests, there has been a line I have not crossed. I guess I am a prude. I like being a prude. I not only cannot tolerate that step over the line, I recoil from it. Even in those times where I walked, for my part, away from God, I could not walk there. I had walked, for my part, away from God because I thought some of those who claimed to be his people were participants in walking over the line (some where) and because I thought the world itself was so inherently evil that God must not exist, so worship was foolish. Though I still see many of those who claim to be His are false, I now see that is not Him or His will, only the power of His perfection to allow choice. No simple nuance there, only truth when one chooses lines of an objective nature and the truth of our failure therein. I was made to sin, and sin well. I have chosen otherwise.

You know what though? For a prude, I enjoy life so very much. If I am kept from my idea of success, with my God and an attempt to do His will, I cannot fail. If I am not able to find a wife and procreate in praise of His first real command, my life will not be lost and I will not die even then. Sin has never offered me satisfaction. From what I have seen, sin only satisfies itself into further sin so that in the end, those who “enjoy” sin are merely addicts and slaves to their wants, eaten up by the evil of the cycle. They enjoy what they do so little that many commit suicide and other more serious sins as a sign of how dissatisfied they are but which are offered up as “proof” of an enjoyable pleasurable life. They, most of them, know their hands are not their own. They know, by giving up, they have lost control. I pray for them, if I would kill one should he cross certain lines in front of me. And, I pray that God will have some sympathy on my lot and guide me. Should he decide to test me, after what he did on the cross, I must simply submit.

Just some thoughts.

Taking care of business while I drown.

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I finally took care of calling my priest and asking for advice regarding my medical situation. He was not sure what to do, exactly, and it is a long boring story (which I tried to curtail a good deal), so he merely suggested the name of the doctor he sees. I thanked him for his time, he offered to pray for me, and I breathed a sigh of relief. He did not yell or think me insane or anything, and I think he understood if he did not know how to proceed exactly. As for me, I think he did well. I immediately searched for the doctor he suggested, online, found his phone number, and placed a call to his office. Haste, for me, is not waste, it is vital to getting something done in these times and ways. The receptionist was not sure she would be able to arrange an appointment since I did not have insurance, so she put me through to the business end of the business. Certainly, was the reply to my query gathered from the previous conversant, I could be seen without insurance. The next two questions went as well, is he seeing new patients and what are his fees if roughly? Yes and within my budget, or at least I have enough in the bank to pay up front, respectively.

I am quite nervous about this and I have nearly a week to get myself together and try to sound coherent, offering a believable story (or, making my true tale sound true, really), and begin taking care of business as I may. I do expect some cynicism. And I worry that doctors prefer not to step on each other’s toes, or practices. I will certainly explain who I received his name from. Going to a priest for help with a cooked up mess is a little less likely for a scammer. And, he will have someone he may speak with as to my nature as far as Father knows me. And, after these last few years, I think the one thing Father knows is even when I possibly should not speak what I believe and truthfully, I do. And I do not spare my own self from that truth. There have only been six or seven situations where we have had contact personally, but I think those contacts were significant. As my singular confessor, as well, he knows it all. And I do mean that. As well, there was a lot to find out. My last few confessions have been quite tame comparatively (but it is still quite important to me and him).

I will, however, not be able to make it to class today. I am going to crash so hard it will hurt. I tried to get caught up for today’s quiz and do the homework. Though I studied long and hard, it just is not working. I spent too much time on physics this week, of the time I had available for serious study. I will have to try and dig in and bail out what I may. I think I can still do this, I am staying up with the ideas, if not the practicum. But I am so tired, so often, and so harshly, that it is going to be nightmarish for a while. In about a week, I will find out if there is a medical assistance available to me. If not, I will struggle through here this term, close up shop, and figure a way out. I may even go a little native by packing everything up, grabbing some last winter kit pieces, a few food items, and heading into wilder winter arenas, probably in Utah. I am almost hoping for that after this betrayal.

Just in case you think I am making this up.

About half of American doctors in a new study regularly give their patients placebo pills without telling them.

The physics test.

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Though study was slow and I really could not dig in, I seem to have done well enough. The professor decided that he wanted more spread on the test so he complicated the material. Instead of acing it, I received between a B and an A, and the statistical spread is better. There was at least one thing on the test I had not seen before and have not been able to find since in a short review. Still, that I did not fail was something. There was another change this time. The professor brought in a bunch of graduate students (I think) to, along with himself, monitor the testing very closely. They had enough people to have two people at each row end, every third or fourth row. They rotated through. When the professor was at the end of my row, I looked up at him. He had hard eyes and seemed quite suspicious, perhaps malevolent, and definitely angry. And, yeah, I took it personally if not badly. He either is not a happy man, right now, or he really doe not like me personally, or so it seems. Never mind, I will put in the work as I can. That I do not believe in physics, other than that which comes from God as does all wisdom, even if my professors do not like that… So be it.

I have another test coming up next Thursday. My study partner is thinking about dropping the course. That will make studying more difficult, as it really helps having a partner for some of the study. And, this material is much more complicated. Beyond that, just reading the material and doing the homework will not get you through this class. Some of it is there, say 2/3rds of the material is in the homework, the rest of it is taking theory and making it functional. There is so much material, that having all theory on tap and making it functional combine to make for very difficult study and testing. I will keep to it, as best as I am able, and let happen what will happen. I will probably need to visit office hours a time or two before the test, I will definitely need to put in some time, the rest is what it will be. Though I feel something with this professor as well, I do not feel the level of dislike. Perhaps he hides things better.

I have called the V.A. to ask for advice on finding a doctor. So far, all I have heard from them is an odd request for my mailing address, suggesting that my address is wrong. The only reason they could believe that is if something came back to them, something they sent. This is odd, because I have received a medicine package a few weeks ago. The doctor, after stopping some medication, decided to re-install it, or try to, in spite of my saying it was not working or was not enough (at the time I was not sure). So, either they have changed my address, the post office is sending the mailings to the wrong address, or someone is messing with the mail. If it was just them, I would be more dubious. However, it seems my cellular phone company has also called with a similar problem. Having a cracked computer does not help when considering such messes either. I need a new one, and a router, but there is no way, currently, I can afford one. No more credit purchases, I just will not go there again. Bother the messes.

Still, life is good if, as usual, complicated. I really am going to start seeing about a doctor. Tomorrow is my first chance at it. Though I need to study for the weekly quiz and do the homework for the class, if I find myself able, I will start making some calls. My priest may be able to help. What I will be asking will take some trust and Father may, after having dealt with me a bit on several things and acting as my sole confessor, be willing to bridge that trust gap a bit with a doctor he knows. I hate having to use relationships in this manner, however, if it is rightly done as I am consciously attempting to make this, I suppose being humble in the process and accepting the help as I may will see me through. Such is life? Yes, I do think so.

A sensation.

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Sensations are what they are. Often they come to naught. They may be caused by things we know, such as having eaten too much of the wrong thing or due to a chill in the air. Frequently they are expressions of our own self as we are at a moment juxtaposed into our world without there being any underlying worldly cause. Sometimes they really are truly precognitions. One can never be certain about these things, especially as one becomes familiar with the fact that we are fallible, superstitious, emotional beings. And yet, this nature of ours creates notions which just cannot be shaken. Why so many words about a topic? Let me tell you.

Today as I was heading to my first class, something happened. I was early so that my walk was leisurely, or as relaxed as I allow my walks to be. I was walking between classes so that there were few other pedestrians, fewer still due to the overcast odd nature of the day. In spite of it being a mechanically depressing day by the nature of the weather, I had no melancholy moment. As I walked, nearing my destination, something came to me. I sensed a major event. An event which will overshadow all things we now consider. A change which will make the financial market trouble, the election cycle, and all other considerations fade into the background. I cannot say if this is a good thing or a bad thing, only that today was the day.

Try as I might, I am not able to dig deeper or look closer. My feeling was just that, if powerful beyond my previous understanding. I have searched the news and blogs for any hints. I have thought the thing through. There is nothing showing itself, and yet I cannot shake this. Perhaps China, now that it has oil reserves to rival US and European reserves, is about to begin a campaign. Taiwan, Europe, and then a land war with India to cull their excess male populations (both nations). Who knows, maybe Christ was born again this day. The sensation is that type of big. Either I just realized something bigger than anything known in recent times or I should watch what I eat, and when, more closely. Never worry, remember, I am a touch paranoid among other things.

Oh, something else interesting happened today. While I was out getting a meal, I saw a women I had seen before. For some reason, this woman is rather attractive to me. I think I am interesting to her as well. Beyond that I know nothing about her and probably never will. She is attractive but it was more than that. All things being equal, I sense she could be the woman I could abide. She is simple without being dim, gracious, and thoughtful. I can imagine just being with her in life, outside of the bedroom. I feel I can safely assume the bedroom issue would be fine as well. Though I must admit, when I meet a woman like this, I never more than think to notice if there is that spark necessary for me to ponder the prospect. Actually and further, I avoid considering women in a sexual manner at all. Thinking such thoughts about a woman seems to be an invasion of both her dignity and of any future eventualities, odd as that may sound to some. That belief is compounded when the woman is both natively and physically attractive to me. I suppose I try to defend a ladies honor, even from my own lusts. I only mention this to note that I really do see there really might be a woman out there, still, for me. I suppose I am sharing, vicariously, a little hope.

In times of doubt, hope is more valuable than gold, more vital than any tool, and from which any growth or rebirth may begin. In good times, hope still holds a place in allaying doubts and fears. It is the only real seed man may ever need and without which man has become animal. It is the only seed worth planting, if it is planted in honesty and good faith. It is so powerful, not even deceivers are able to vulgarize it without losing their aim, missing their targets. Call on it, if you are dark, at your peril. Live it, if you find your roots in wisdom, and be free to dare. It is the beginnings, as myth might have it, of earning your wings.

Well, it is as I thought.

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Something worked, after not having been used for a month or so, for about a day. Today, again, I slept through it. I have decided to place a call to my case manager and ask if there is a medical provider she could recommend. I may also call some people in the Church, and see if one of the people I trust knows of a medical provider. No, I guess I am not looking for a medical provider, I am looking for a doctor with a professional pair, brass pair preferable. I do not know how I can afford it, but that is what I have to do. Maybe the V.A. will fall in line with some actual, you know, free market competition. I am not counting on that but I will not completely discount an about face if it happens. I will, at least, sniff any change in that wind and see if it is still foul or has become friend. There goes my savings, as I will also be paying for medicine. What good is wealth without health, but it is a bit disappointing when “free” medical care I paid for with my brokenness does not pan out. This is not supposed to be a charity health care, it was supposed to be a kindness for my duty losses, a bit of repayment. I suppose with doctors being indoctrinated into leftism, I cannot expect much from them in repaying a baby-killer or whatever the left’s term for us is these days. And yeah, that attitude is pervasive in the V.A., here anyway.

I have been able to drag my tired butt through each section of the physics to be tested. But I need to get through it at least one more time, and write out the formulas and some of the ideas. I only have a few functional hours each day, however, and that is with something as a helper, as weak a helper as it has obviously become. I have no control of my sleep, sleeping 14 or more hours at a time and needing naps between my awake hours, which are mostly dysfunctional for anything like study. You know, I could get a bit angry about this. Yeah, but it is not going to solve a thing. I must just do what I can, how I can, and figure things out. I am not a quitter, I would be dead by now if I was. But I pout as well as any. And I am one of the best big babies I know. Of course, and do not worry, I live in a population which is stellar in the big baby business. So do not worry, I am not attempting to tread on your territory. :p

As for yesterday, I had just awaken from two days of uncontrolled sleep. Pardon my doubts. Now, get out of the way... slowly. I am still crawling so your speed of clearing the path is not essential should you happen to be in the way.

Sleep

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Two days of sleep and little option in the matter. I would still be sleeping if I had not done something about it. I have enough something to get me through school, if barely, and then it will be time to move along. I am not sure where I will go, only sure that I will be leaving this area. College is done, of course. Even with something to help, for some reason, it is not enough anymore even by itself. As much as I like the material and even though I can do the material, being this tired makes it a nightmare. If I cannot get out of my contract at the beginning of the year, I might have to just stay here until August. That will make a move easier though. Then again, I ought to start packing now. A few boxes a day, while sorting out what to throw away and then doing so, will make the task much simpler whenever the time arrives.

I will probably start looking at Colorado and Utah. With as liberal as Colorado is becoming, that is probably out. Wyoming might be a thought, even Montana, if rather unlikely for several reasons. Yes, probably Utah, somewhere in the foothills or mountains. The difficulty of mountain living has not escaped notice, yet there are many reasons to live such a life, especially the way politics has gone. But a winter move might not be the best plan either. Then again, I almost bet I could talk someone into putting me up for the winter for a fraction of what I am paying here, if I can get out of my lease (probable, as I may have an idea of someone, a good renter and worker, who is more than interested in my apartment, it will more be about whether the landlord would be willing to make the exchange).

Still, I have several months of grueling school to go. I am almost half way through the term. Though I am, mostly, keeping up, it is tight. I missed classes yesterday, and our usual Friday quiz and homework turn-in. We get to drop a few of each grade of homework and quizzes, but I would rather do the work and then get to choose a poor grade rather than a missed grade to drop. It just makes sense. Why I could not get going… it is frustrating. Oh, the nag decided not to make a trip of it this Sunday, which ends up being a good thing. I was not sure I would be able to make it and I now really need the time to study. It sounds as if she is having some kind of medical situation, one I personally understand.

I need to grab some food somewhere, continue the laundry, study, and try to clean the place up. Though this something does help, it is not like it used to be. It does allow me to rise to near the surface, and stay awake a bit longer and better, but I cannot quite break through to real life with it, and not when taken with the rest of the somethings. I will do what I can, I guess. Ciao, and on to chow.

The Houses…

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Of the five houses I viewed, only two would do outright if with a bit of wrangling on price. A few others might work with a lot of wrangling. Some needed repairs and detail work, others were in questionable neighborhoods, none were perfect. Some of them, if not all, have been on the market a very long time in spite of what the paperwork says. One of them seemed to have a drug house across the way. I noticed a man, at about 10:00 nearly sneak up to the front door, get checked out, and then enter the premise. Then, whoever had let him in watched me for a period of time before sneaking back himself. He thought his darkened screen door kept him from my vision… not so. I live in a world of darkness and doubt, and I do see what most miss, if dust bunnies have their way with me, goblins do not. Another house (two of them actually, as they were close to each other) was in a rather blue-collar neighborhood. Generally this is not a bad thing. But when one of the houses had a brand new Cadillac and a black man out front talking loud and bold on his cell phone, I had to think long and hard. I suppose one could call that prejudice, but when I see behavior that does not fit, I have to count it and deal with it. Not dealing with suspicion is not open mindedness, it is stupidity. Then again, I think the two have indeed become synonymous, hence Barack Hussein Obama I suppose.

Still, there were a few houses left to pick from. I was not able to see what the neighbors are like, so I cannot be sure. I did note lots of high fences and other security measures. These are not friendly places, but castles to hide away within. As well, as I had noted, they have been vacant for a long time. Some of them seemingly abandoned almost mid-life, as if the owners were chased out. Odd things were left, a fence in one of the places was cut in order to move, apparently, but the fence was not fixed in spite of some great time (a year or more) having passed. I must say, just by these things alone, buying a house here does not seem the thing to do. And more, with the communists moving into congress and the White House, prospects are even more grim. I would almost feel sympathy for the homeowners, but knowing they most likely voted locally to allow the people into office who have racially redistributed the neighborhoods which is forcing them to flee and voted nationally for the people who have wrought this economic nightmare, and that they are continuing to vote that way, sympathy is not an easy thing to give. I suppose I could be sympathetic at their ignorance if it was not for their apathy. Still, I will hold off on a decision. Perhaps I will show the houses to family and friends. Perhaps I will find out more about the neighborhoods. And perhaps the elections will not be murder, literally. Even if it ends in another R. King type deal, I think this time we need to fix that, hard, should McCain win. Anyway... I am still figuring...

I need to take a nap now. Perhaps, hopefully, I will be in good shape again this evening to study more. Last night was fantastic. It relieved my stretched nerves to see that, given a chance and finding a bit of time where I was rested, and with a little work, the material was once again within my grasp. This does not mean I will just be able to walk to the finish line. It does look like, though, I will be able to work my way to it. I suppose, even if I get C’s, that is all I can hope for in a corrupted education system. And, it probably is good, better than the cheaters, if a bit bitter. A C is at or near the top of the pile of people who are doing their work honestly, I do believe. It will have to do for now.

Wow, something happened.

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I really have been studying, and trying my darndest to put ideas and formulas together, then solve problems and understand the theory of the classes I am taking. This last week has been brutal. Just fighting to stay awake has been a chore, so going beyond that and into what needed to be done has been Herculean. I have done it, but often I would cover an area and just move on before understanding seemed to sink in, knowing that stopping to really understand would mean I would just get bottle-necked and would soon tire and quit studying. I studied calculus, to boot. All of the studying was a real nightmare though, like running at night in a strange area with little or no light.

For some reason tonight is different. Not only am I not tired, it seems my blind studying has paid off. I did my newest set of homework almost as if I knew what I was doing. And, this I had not yet studied at all, other than covering calculus which is used in this. I simply remembered most of it from the notes (which I had to push to get up and get to class for, let alone to actually write). I did have to check some things, and I used the book or notes a few times. But the work went well, quickly, and smoothly. I am not sure about physics yet, but I will be covering that in a bit. While I am doing well, I want to do as much as I can. If it does not really add to my true skill, as that seems to be there if I do the work whether I know it or not, doing work successfully and quickly greatly adds to my confidence. And, honestly, confidence helps in my case as much as skill.

I do not know what has opened in me. I am unsure of how to keep it going. I only know I am thankful for the moments I have which are like this. I almost feel alive again, like this past summer, or before I fell. I will not say that I have probability and statistics down, but I honestly think I have all the tricks to date and all of the skills offered to this point. If not memorized, they are accessible. I would like more practice, but time and wakefulness are variables I only have just so much control over. I will have to see what happens. This time, my tests are a week apart, thankfully. In truth, the one thing I am weak in is the simpler math. I am not sure how to correct for that, or if that is just the way it is. I suppose I should use my calculator to check things a bit more, as it is allowed. But in some circumstances, an error will prove out just as well as the correct answer.

I am enjoying studying again! How odd, as it is getting cold and dark here, that I would have a flash of strength, vigor, concentration, and whatever else is in this little bag of goodies. Maybe I will really get to enjoy the hike and tour this weekend. And, perhaps I will be studied well enough that I will not feel guilty taking the time off. Nice!

Tomorrow I will be house hopping. I will begin looking at the houses available in my price range, or those I thought were best. I will have to hold off until my mother can visit, and look with me. And, I would like my friend to see the top two or three houses as well. And further, I will wait until the elections and more surety in studies. If the Democrats pick up more seats and the presidency, or even a veto proof majority, I probably will not buy. After what the courts, in large part due to the liberal Supremes did to land ownership rights, I do not think that buying land would mean much. Beyond, I am pretty sure that either of those eventualities would extend and deepen the financial problems, meaning that a house bought today would be worth less than the loan quickly and for quite some time to come. The Great Depression was extended by just such a scheme and situation. On the other hand, the poor and uneducated BELIEVED they were being helped by Uncle Franklin, and the vultures in congress. I suppose that is one form of change. And though I do not believe in it, I do believe it is possible.

Health.

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I was starting to feel “wrong” a few days ago. I was not sure if it was my health going to pot, nerves with upcoming tests and pushing to understand some things so reviewing old material on top of my usual work, or even stress from the prospect of considering buying a house. Little things told me something might be wrong, but the notion has been fleeting, flirtatious, and just out of reach until now. Now I am pretty sure it is health related. There is not much I can do though. I cannot seem to work with the doctor I have been given, it does not look like I will be able to get rid of him, and I have no other medical access readily available. To boot, the medicines offered do not work whether they have been altered or not. I will just have to push through life and hope. I guess that is all anyone really has. I have pushed my health to hard limits, if I did have a few years were I was able to take medicines that did work as a breather, pushing can only work for just so long and a break will only do so much. The good news is that I live alone. If anything goes really badly, no one will be able to bring me half back to life again. Sadly, I think that is preferable. Maybe this is not leading to the big one, but in time it will. Given what is happening politically, one can hope for change I can believe in, given the circumstances.

Physics has turned dastardly. I had to let it go while trying to dig into the other class, for a week or two. While I was not looking, it took a turn for the worse. I have about a week to get caught up, and I think I might be able to do it. I do not think, in the future, I will let it go quite as much as I did this last time or for as long. No worries though, really, I think I can do this with repeated coverings, re-reading notes, and looking through the book a bit. Being tired and getting more so does not help, and my sleeping cycle seems to have broken too. And, I cannot let the other class slip at all, there is no room there to catch up. As I said, I think I can do it. Well, back to work. Wish me good fortune in my efforts?

Oh, the QoD has suggested we take a break this weekend and attempt to do a fall leaf color tour along the Mississippi. Sounds good to me, so I may have a distraction for the weekend. Even if we are no longer lovers, unrequited love, in it’s various shades and hues, is often as beautiful as any spray of fall foliage. I might even suggest it is much more splendid in it’s splendor. Call me a romantic, but…

You would be quite wrong. I am just a grumpy old man who makes this crap up like I could make money from it or something. You people… tsk, tsk, tsk…

Things are going, if not perfectly.

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I was able to get my calculus studied. The study went well, if it took a bit of time. As well, I was able to get through 2 of the 4 units I will need to have ready for the test next week. I was not able to, additionally, study probability and statistics to get the material covered altogether. However, I do not think this will be as much of a problem as I had at first feared. I am understanding the material we are covering, at least in class. And though I will need to practice with homework, I do not see any real problems. I did not do enough, or actually was just too busy working, to decide to enjoy liquid refreshments much. I did have a sip or two, to end Saturday's study. But it was rather muted and only a sip.

Several emails with the realtor and plans are set to begin looking at houses this Thursday. I have five potential homes to view. I have asked my friend to view these with me, before then, in a drive and look manner. I am not sure if people are still living in these places, but either way, I feel uncomfortable in just stopping and looking, unannounced. However, I would like to look at the neighborhoods and get an idea about who is living nearby and if there are a lot of houses for sale, how the places are situated, and where they really are. One of the houses, one that is close, is already out of the running. Simply put, I know the neighborhood and that is part of why I am considering moving out. Though, having a landlord who either will not or cannot find decent tenants is also part of it. That leaves four houses I might consider. I am rather nervous about this, with the banking problems, housing price problems, and the politically correct nature of this state sum total, I really am going to have to think about things.

But more, I may finish up this term, do one more term to clean up my academic career, then leave. I cannot be sure, I am still trying to push things through. Without the medicine which had been helpful, I am doubtful. And, with my understanding that the college is rigged, I am further dubious. The only thing that ties one down more than a home debt is a wife, though in slightly different ways. It is a big decision. And, it is based on academic success, at this point and in this state. Honestly, I just cannot be sure this is the right thing to do. Thankfully, I do not have to make the decision today. I figure I have several weeks, minimally, to think things through, get outside input, and then make a decision. I could probably push it out to several months, probably without risking the top two or three choices all going off the market. If all else fails, I will simply default to simply not making a decision and until there are no more decisions.

I have considered putting most of my belongings into storage and living in a very inexpensive apartment downtown. At $250 a month, with a $50 dollar max electricity bill as my only utility, I could save quite a bit of money even with storage. Though I would also have to put my Xterra up, that would not be bad as I would be close enough to walk to school. Yes, I could save another $400 to $500 a month and my neighbors would not be any worse than they are now. Lots of options, none of them are fantastic, but that is life.

I suppose I should get back to studies. I would like to finish physics, then go over it again a time or two. Perhaps a unit of physics tonight and a first attempt at the probability and statistics homework. I will just have to see what I can get done.

Another week on the books.

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Though I may not have succeeded grandly in my attempts, at anything, I have made it through one more week of school and life. I have had some success and I am moving forward, if at a snail’s pace, on several projects. School has improved, in that I feel I am getting the material and well (though, when did I think that before… ah, right before the big fat C). Even so, I really am getting the material. I have spent time with my professor regarding the parts I do not catch. I always feel like he is surprised to see me arrive. I am not sure if he is surprised that I need the help, as I really do seem to understand some of it, or if he knows there is no help for me. He keeps his mind closed but he cannot rid himself of some strong sense of a nature. A nature, like curiosity, wonder, even possible fear (is this guy in my office hours trying to trick the tests out of me), but seemingly more on the curiosity side. Perhaps he is wondering why I am trying so hard, why I am curious, what it means, or something. Mind you, those are just notes. I only write what I perceive, not necessarily what is. As well, I do not dwell on the things, just note them. I have seen several houses, pictures and descriptions only so far. I have picked several which I would like to see in person, 5 so far. I sent the information back, and let the realtor know my schedule and my interest. That was last Wednesday. I have not heard a word in reply, nor received an email. I will check on that Monday.

I really considered sipping from my larder of liquid delights. The sleep schedule has been working, my tasks are getting done, laundry and dishes have been mostly being kept in check (though I really need to do dishes from the last two days!). Some success is almost worth the down time. However, I decided not to do so. Not yet anyway. I need to get caught up in physics, study calculus to get back in the swing of that, and work the calculus study into the probability and statistics studies. If I get a good deal completed tonight, tomorrow night, if I get even more done, I may go see a movie then have a sip (or just have a sip depending on how tired I am). I have a reasonable opportunity to do this and yet I have that old lazy bone weighing in on the matter. As well, there is only so much one can study before the game is up. The mind can only stay tightly focused for a short time at a time, much like looking through a powerful scope or binoculars then the eyes get tired.

I have had some time to read blogs and post comments. As I have said, there are times I really need to step away from studies, so long as I do not merely hide from studies and I am getting my studies completed, that is fine. To be honest, blogging has become grim. Both here and elsewhere. Conservatives are understanding that we have been betrayed by the party leadership. What the other party is setting up to do, doing, and what they have done, is downright traitorous. Those of us who understand this, I am certainly not alone, understand we have no allies in politics. Some, like me, are backing away from politics nearly completely. Others seem to wish to hold to some hope that McCain is not what he says he is. And that rallying point that is Palin has, finally, been understood to be just as bad as McCain. Honestly, I am not sure there is hope for the American Dream or the democratic republic. I think it was nearly ended by FDR but the coupe de gras was JFK’s immigration policy. Yeah, it may have been ended before I was born. Of course, I could be wrong. What was it the crooked Louisiana politician said… ah… ‘Do not rig the election, there is no need if I pick the candidates’, give or take of course. So, vote as you will, you really have no choice.

It is working.

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Though things are still very tight, I have found that, sleeping in catnap style and doing what I can when I can, that I can accomplish much of what I am trying to do. I have not been able to get back to exercising. I was not sure I would be able to in any case, certainly not immediately if that was a hope. I have done a good deal of work on the more demanding course. I have visited my professors several times, and will probably continue to do that. I was able to schedule a visit other than office hours and was also able to make a visit during his regular office hours. I have also been to a study lab offered, but that is only somewhat helpful. Physics has been suffering, I am only hoping it will not be too difficult to get caught up on that again. I will do some of that tomorrow and this weekend.

I also made contact with the realtor whose name I was given while applying for a loan pre-approval. It seems he does not handle cases in my area, so he asked if he could put me in touch with a woman who does. With school and study, tomorrow was the first day I was sure I would be available for a call. I am hoping she will be calling me tomorrow. I have no idea what to expect, but the recent ½ point rate drop cannot hurt my prospects. What I must worry about, as I said, is buying into a house during a price plunge and ending up with half the house I paid for, worth-wise. It IS speculation. As I said, though, I am not doing it as an investment, more as a luxury of sorts. Home-ownership means no landlord, actual control of one’s home, the ability to customize my housing without losing the cost, and having no neighbors right on top of me. You can be sure, if I have to get a hole digger and buy the lumber bit by bit, I will have a 5-7 foot fence, a solid one. I might even get a dog, though for sure I will get a cat. It will be too late to do much about a garden, or flower plots along the house (I think my mom or my ex-gal might actually enjoy doing the flowers thing, and yeah, I think such projects add to a house… a lot).

I must admit something about school. I am more sure, from snooping around, paying attention, and looking things over regarding scores and such, the scores are rigged. People who do well are allowed to do well. The tests are written so that, without foreknowledge or honest natural brilliance, I cannot score well. It is not every class, but it is fairly common in engineering. In the other schools, this does not occur until graduate level work. In engineering, it starts from the start and does not end until, assuming success, retirement. It IS who you know, How much you have, and such. Your skills, if you are in the school, are probably good enough. With a little work, you should be competitive. But the truth is you cannot compete as the thing is weighted toward the favored. Oh well. I had thought about quitting, if a C is the best I can do. I am thinking that over. We will see. Of course, without a functional medicinal regimen, taking more than half time (a requirement for next term and on) may make this matter immaterial.

Oh, a letter to a racist company I used to use as a clothing supplier… And their response… More companies are going to get a similar email. I will no longer support quotas. With a black candidate for president, they have absolutely no rating for underprivileged. As well, their over-representation has become a grotesquery. It is offensive to have them shoved in my face in every aspect of my life. The freedom of association, by it’s very nature, implies the freedom to disassociate. I will do that until and unless I choose differently. It is time to start voting with my wallet, hard and heavy.


Dear Mr. Doom:

Thank you for taking the time to write and share your concerns. We appreciate your honest feedback.

I’m sorry that we disappointed you with the amount of diversity in our catalogs. I do understand and appreciate your concerns. I will be sure to share your comments with our creative team and I’m sure they will keep your disappointment in mind when deciding which models to use for future catalogs.

I am also very sorry to hear that we have lost your trust and per your request, will be taking your name off our mailing list. Because our catalogs are pre-printed you may receive another catalog if it is already in our outgoing mail. However, we have honored your request and mailings will cease.

Please accept our sincere apologies. We appreciate you bringing your concerns to our attention. It is our hope that someday we will once again have an opportunity to serve you.

Sincerely,

Jenafer Humphries
Customer Communications

> -----Original Message-----
> From:
> Sent: Oct 3, 2008 12:28:20 AM CDT
> To:
>
> Dear Sirs,
>
>
>
> I have enjoyed your goods in the past. The quality is very good, and
> if I felt it was not, I was able to make simple returns. I have,
> however, decided to make no further purchases through Land’s End. I
> believe your models are not representative of your clientele. If you
> are interested in being politically correct, then, I suggest you add
> Indians, Mexicans, Chinese, Japanese, midgets, transsexuals, Hindus,
> ugly people, fat people, and other types of minorities. When you pick
> one group of people to over-represent in your catalogs and in your
> online site, you do everybody a disservice. Should you decide to
> change your business practices, I might re-consider purchases of
> Lands End’s goods. Until then, good luck. May you get the business
> you deserve. I would be very happy if you end the sending of your
> catalogue to my house.
>
>
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Doom

I am getting some things going.

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It has been difficult. With medicine no longer being taken, I struggle greatly to do the smallest of things. I know it might seem silly, but I am crippled. With both arms and legs, a relatively healthy body, and the will to do both academic and physical activities, without help I simply cannot do these things well. It is very frustrating to have gotten help only to see it taken away. The only reason I am even able to function is that working out this summer has given me a bit of physical fitness. The last month has been very tough. This last weekend, however, I pushed a bit and did some laundry, soaked then cooked raw beans (black, if you are curious, and one of my favorite), cooked some rice, cleaned the dishes from those, and then cooked some meats for dinners through the week (plus some nice snacks during the process). I also studied my tougher class, if physics study is lagging.

More, I am hoping to get up early enough tomorrow to try and speak with my professor about seeing him a time or two a week. His office hours are a bit problematic. I am going to see if we cannot make other arrangements. I know I am bright enough to do well in this class, but I feel that either some significant portion of the class is far brighter or they are getting more information about what to study. I will have to be careful in how I approach the matter. Still, a broken bell curve is indicative of problems. In any case, I will continue to work hard, but I will not put in extraordinary effort knowing that it is not a reasonable practice given the amount of material we could be tested over is far too great to reasonably cover to be ready to test and quiz on to the level I have seen thus far. I cannot prove every theorem cross-referenced to various formulas without some clues. I have an IQ of between 120 and 148 (depending on how well I am doing). This should not be this difficult, especially since I have been putting in more than a sincere effort.

As well, I am hoping to push through with my plans of seeking a home. I am very nervous about trying to buy a house at this time. Even if I can find a bargain, it would be tough to end up with much more house loan than a houses worth in a few years. I would like to get out of here, however. It is becoming more like the hood every day. And, I would like to get in on a bargain with current low interest rates and reduced pricing. I suppose this is speculation. But the truth is, without risk there is no gain. Though I am not trying to get into a home to create wealth as a primary goal, it is a part of the thing. This project does add a good deal of work to my current load, while I am often weak and tired. But moving ahead in spite of things has, at times, proven to be the best policy in that it leads me to greater capacity. I do know, definitely, that backing off or taking time off ends up hurting me far more than it helps, other than for very short times (a weekend here or there).

As bad is things are, life is still good. I have some doubts about college, certainly if I honestly cannot do this class well. As I have said though, if it turns out that I cannot make it, I have some other plans. As weak as those are, as unsure about how those plans will really work, I am pretty sure I will find life after an attempted professional career if it all turns south. Of course, that does make purchasing a house here a dubious proposition. I guess I am walking ahead on faith alone. I have to plan as well as I can, then go forward with honest concern but with faith too. I have to hope I will do what is wise given what I know and that God has my interests in mind, even if I do not always understand that process. This is life, it is a dubious process all by itself. Add in economy, politics, religion, love, and such, and the dubious becomes impossible. As I said, that is when faith becomes useful, both faith in the world in a minor way and in God’s will in a big way.

Paranoia? Could be, but that does not mean they are not out to get you.

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My nurse visited today. We did our usual checks. Health-wise, things are not going the best. When she looked at my medsets, but before she reached for anything, I told her she need not bother. I have taken nothing. Further, I explained that I would not do so until or unless something was done. I explained that I had spoken with the patient advocate, my case manager, and my therapist and that I had heard nothing for more than a week. I explained that I could not take what I cannot trust, any of it. So, she started making calls.

She put the phone on speakerphone and allowed me to listen. She ended up contacting a case manager, one I have not spoken with before and do not know. She had overheard the conversation between my doctor and the other case manager, or had read the file, or both. It seems my doctor had decided not to continue me on methylphenidate as he believed his career was at stake. She did not indicate, what, if anything, I was being given. Perhaps it was still methylphenidate (generic Ritalin), perhaps he had just changed the order, perhaps what I received as early as September was merely a sugar pill. At this point, I do not trust anything. At least I know my doctor had decided not to continue this medication, if not when or how. I also know he had told me he was going to continue it.

I received a call from the new case manager. It appears my doctor is (now?) going to continue my medication. He wants me back on the rest of my medication. There are at least several problems with this. First, the dosage he has listed is not only less than what my nurse and myself had been under the impression I was to take, it is not enough even if it were (in other words, he has me on 3 pills, we thought I was to take 4, and 4 is not enough as is). Further, I have no means of verifying what I am getting is what he is, now, saying it is. Trust, people, is not given, it is earned. He has not earned it. He has done everything in his power to ruin it. If he does not like that, then he needs to do something about it. What, I cannot say. But, it is his problem, one he developed, and one only he can solve.

I ended up only getting a C on my probability and statistics for engineers. My study mate only received a 60. I am quite nervous about this, especially since my capacity to work harder is more than limited. My world is closing in on me, academically (and otherwise). I suggested, to my visiting nurse, that the real problem is that the VA and perhaps the University does not want me. I am old, they want to teach young. I am conservative, they want politically ignorant pupils, and I am grumpy, sure, and a bit cynical. Oh, and I am not much to look at. Yes, it adds up. Just some thoughts. She, as usual, thinks I am stretching the thing. But then, she did not believe me about the medicine until she heard it over the phone. Just saying…

Smirking, mind boggling foolishness, and other thoughts.

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The smirking Europeans just realized a poor uncle means a poorer nephew. Suck it up, and I hope our Euro-styled politicized financial markets are allowed to die in order that a real free-market economy may rise. It is too much too hope for, but that is my hope. Watching the leering grin on the face of a smarmy Europe change as it realizes the price it will pay is only honey to an already sweet cake. I would love to see their socialized markets fail even more so, since they are even further into the “green” and centralized markets, and thus much more susceptible. Some things just bring joy to my heart.

The idiocy of the Democratic Party is being shown, in it’s hard work to sell out the American people after having sold them out in such a manner as to create this problem, in that they are sweating bullets and spinning in their grave. I have to hope the bailout will not go through for that reason as well. Though 5 weeks is rather tight, the modern American seems to be paying attention. If that is actually true, even the most leftist, slowest, and all but the evil, will eventually understand what the problem is and who created it. Forcing Freddie and Fannie to open up to poor risks for “equality of results rather than equality of opportunity”. Realizing major corporations were told there would be a big pay-off if they went green, as the feds and states would be “forcing green legislation”, but mandates were not fast enough to pick up the slack in actual income potential (negative) of green technologies. Enron and AIG and the others had all over-extended into bad sectors believing Joe Taxpayer would be picking up the tab. As it turns out, we were going to either way. Dump the bailout and fix these, and other, bad (social activist) business practices NOW!

Do I think the failure of a bailout plan will really destroy the U.S., or even the world, economy? No, the problem will slow it down (both of them) and reset things back to basics (if we can keep the government from regulation). We are (or were) riding a false economic bubble. It is a method of enrichment the government and major corporations, ignoring Joe Taxpayer, decide to create. The bailout is their efforts at keeping the hackey-sac up in the air a little longer, at the potential (high probability regardless of what they say, both immediately, and through this becoming a typical business model based on government bailouts) cost to Joe Taxpayer. I think that is why we still have the 2nd Amendment, I thought? Oh well, I am too old and too poor to really care.

I have honestly looked at where I could move when the Jerk makes it into the president’s office. Honestly, there is not a free nation out there. I guess I just have to suffer until I get to the real shining city. No hippies, no communists, no muslims, no abortion, no socialists, I think I will like it. And, I suppose, it is my cross to suffer through the time until it is my time. And, yes, I do pray for many things. I give up what I cannot control, I give up the insufferable, I give up my sins, and I pray on my knees. I suppose if we must understand that God was murdered because of us, because of our unworthiness to find our own way, the rest is rather simple to bear?