Up and at it.

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I realized, last night, one of the things that wakes me up. I woke very early, perhaps 3:30 or 4:30. It was too early for me to be sure of anything. After dressing a bit, I stepped out to check out the morning. There was the returning helicopter. I am right on the flight path from Des Moines, for the medical flights. Helicopters have a deep impact on my psyche, and the thrum of the blades always brings me to places and times, some mostly forgotten, where life was more tenuous. I feel the beats like one might feel the wings of demons approaching, with dread, fear, and sometimes cold sweat. I would guess those flights wake me often, though since I do not usually venture outside I do not realize what woke me. I can feel them, it seems, even before I hear them, even in sleep.

I have not checked the weather. I am almost afraid to do so. I really want to get the mowing done. My landlord has offered $25 per mow, but I will reject his offer. I will do it merely as a favor. He has been a superior landlord. So what I worry about is disappointing him. I worry more disappointing people than money, any day. And, being a Saturday, I will probably not start mowing, if it is possible to mow, until a bit later. Though moving soon, there is no reason to upset the neighbors. I am hoping a 9:00 start would be good enough.

I have my clothes in, that I ordered. I have 3 new pair of jeans and 4 new shirts. I have started the wash, with the jeans first, then I will do the shirts. The first wash of jeans can put out a lot of dye, depending on the manufacturer. Since I am not sure about these, I did them with only other jeans and dark unders. Though not the best man at washing clothes, I have tried to learn from the women in my life. I am a bit of a perfectionist. If I fail miserably, I do not mind so long as I gave it my best shot. I suspect I can finish laundry today, along with the mowing, and maybe get some packing done as well. Tomorrow, like or not, I must put my hands to rest, using them for prayer.

The rental I had hoped for has fallen through, as I see it. I indicated I needed more than a phone call from him. I simply will not send 3 months rent and hope he sends the key and such. That simply will not work. I asked him for more, and all he kept doing was sending his phone number. So, I will need to find a place, and quickly, when I get there. I am a bit nervous, as hotel bills will add up very quickly. I am hoping, in person, I will have a much smoother time of finding a place. And it does not hurt a bit to actually be able to see what I will be getting and to make sure I am not in a bad area of town, or that the apartment is not falling down, and check on certain particulars. And the other good thing is I can look for a place with a shorter lease, perhaps even month to month, so I can begin finding an actual home quickly.

Actually, I should call the churches in the area and see if they have any means of helping. I do not like to become dependent, but perhaps that is what I have been reneging on, and something that must be changed. Actually, that is part of why I am moving there, to find just such a community and to begin just such activity. Doh! I can be so stubborn and thick headed sometimes! (No feedback from the peanut gallery, please and thank you! The Management. :P )

I am a fool, folks. And I am stubborn, I have ingrained bad habits, and I lack perfection. But I make up for it by being one of the oddest critters you will find in the woods, on the beaches, in the city, or around town. If I do not like you, I do love you, and I am trying if the difference is merely stylistic. Still, I do endeavor to be more, do more, and offer more. I only hope, at times, that is enough to at least allow me access so as to improve. Give or take, that is, and of course.

Have a great day!

Tough day.

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It is raining, again, so the lawn will not get mowed. It is a bitterly cold rain too. My vehicle was out, and since it looked like hail and high wind could occur, I decided to get the Xterra in. The barefoot rain dance was refreshing though! If I was feeling up to it, I might really enjoy hopping around the yard. Then again, that cold is a bit hard to take, given the heat of late. Or I have become weak.

I was only able to get a little done today. I am so tired. I thought a nap would help, but I seem to tired to even sleep! So, I have been halfway between wakefulness and sleep. I was able to attempt the enchilada casserole my aunt taught me. I did, actually, make the casserole. But, it was no where near the quality she offered. It is tasty but it is not authentic, or even pretty. One of my main problems, perhaps my only problem, was the sauce. Her sauce was thick but still liquid. Mine ending up looking more like playdo or clay (it tasted better than those, at least).

I have some ideas about what I did wrong. I may have to call her, and my mother, and see if they have some ideas. I am sure they will know what I did wrong. Talking to both of them just allows me to hear what I did wrong in two different ways. Neither of them like me all that much, though. So, thank heavens for love. As I said, it was at least tasty. But it will not satisfy my hunger for the real thing.

I was able to get a few things done, and the day is not over. I am going to try and take a nap. Maybe I can wake in a few hours and do a bit more. Doing things on my own, it is difficult to know how well I am pacing. Perhaps I am doing what could be reasonably expected. Maybe I am being too hard on myself, and perhaps pushing would just end up being more of a problem than a help. Sometimes I feel so blind. I just cannot be sure about anything, it seems, at times.

Have a good afternoon.

So much for mowing.

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Thunderstorms are right about to shatter the morning's quiet, or so the weather warnings are suggesting. Looking out of my window lends some credence to those warnings. I will just continue packing instead, as soon as I wake up a bit more. Perhaps this afternoon will be better, cooled from the rain and wind, and perhaps partly cloudy so as to be cooler still. Maybe the early evening will be good if the afternoon is not. I am not holding my breath though. As soon as the midday sun comes out, of late, it becomes brutal here.

I am finally seeing some serious clearing of the forest that is my cave. A small area cleared here, a group of things packed up there. Piece by piece, the whole of it is being done. Even if everything is not immediately packed, the items are being collected by use to be packed all together rather than being packed with dissimilar items. All of my tools are coming together, for example. I have had little practice at moving, and less interest in that type of work. Think cat in water. Only vacuums scare me more. Oh well, even cats end up getting wet from time to time. :p

I keep thinking of my faith, lately. It seems to come, then I make small changes, and then I am good for a while. Then, as before, I find new concerns and begin tacking whatever needs sorted out. Being in the middle of my move, and since my bible and other sources are packed already, this is an awkward time for this. Still, when God calls, what else is there to do but to use what tools one has at hands and to go forward.

The second religious concern of mine of late is prayer. For me it is quite simple to pray, in an off-hand manner. I pray over every meal, or mean to do so. Perfection is not mine in this, if my will is there, and if I probably hit a 90% rating. Whether I eat at home or in a restaurant, even a fast food one, I pray. I do not spend a good deal of time with meal prayers, unless the situation warrants it. Eating with friends, visiting family, or in dire times, I tend to spend a bit more time being inclusive and thankful or asking for extra guidance. And, when from the email Church prayer list, here in the blog world, or in my little real life, when people let me know they or others have concerns, I pray for those, usually immediately (otherwise I forget! Ack!). And, I frequently pray during the day, often at night if only sometimes in the morning.

The prayers I say just to pray are often just jumbled words and thoughts. I try to ensure to offer thanks for God's greatness and gifts, sometimes to remember my humility in the relationship, and then proceed with thoughts, hopes, and concerns, finally ending with one last thanks. But I have no formalized method. And though sometimes this is fine, I think I would like to add a more regular and more formalized method for prayer on a more regular schedule. I am thinking about trying to develop, in the beginning, a normalized nightly prayer.

Sometimes I do not feel like prayer at night. Perhaps I am too tired, perhaps my mind is confused, or maybe I am just a little angry at God. I think I would like to surrender a bit more of my will, and find a way to have God be a part of my life over my flaws. I think He will help me here, if I let Him. As for morning, I would like to begin doing a full rosary each morning, even starting out every other morning would be good. I think these two things would begin and end my day much more successfully than is now the case.

In some ways, since I believe so strongly, that I do not pray is far worse than those who only have a marginal relationship and belief in God. I see this clearly, finally. If reality has nothing to do with me in it's own workings, if I have no power or grace of my own, and if I am truly a humble naked fool in an infinite world and hereafter, it is centered on me too, in God's eyes. How amazing. So, I need to begin showing God, as little as I know, that I do understand this one thing.

Who knows, perhaps in time I might find myself following the hours of the day to some degree, if on a somewhat more loose and irregular manner than the monks who live by them. I cannot be a priest, or even a monk. I am not called, and for reasons yet unrevealed, not acceptable. There is, however, no reason I cannot work toward holiness. By becoming holy, I do not mean that I would become holy, only that I would center more of my life concentrating on that which is, ultimately, holy. It is not for everyone, but I think I would like to go there more often than I do now.

Well, back to packing, or actually, back to waking up in order to begin packing. It's a slow day already. No worries, I will get a fair deal of work done. Good day!

Mowing.

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It did not rain, so I will be getting to mowing today. The grass is quite high and very thick. Between lots of rain, high humidity, high heat when it is not raining, and the time that has passed, I think I am looking at near jungle scape, as far as lawns go. So, when the first rays of sunlight hit, then add a half hour so as to not be mowing before 7:30 or 8:00 or so, I think I will be out and working. If today is anything like yesterday, it is going to be oppressively hot and sticky by as early as 10:00, if it does not decid to rain. We are in that phase between spring and summer where the seasons are vying for supremacy and the outcome of that strife is not yet settled.

No hail or tornadoes, as the weather stations had warned might happen, at least locally or to my knowledge. Just wickedly powerful weather, whichever direction the weather takes, for the last week or so. On the hot sticky days, my central air has been unable to maintain 70 F, between the humidity and heat. I should guess that drier climes should allow for easier cooling, though I will only know when I get there. Of course, in Las Vegas, at least in high summer, home based air conditioning is both extremely expensive and of low capacity. I have dubbed (all but the industrial) air conditioning in that region as artificial shade. If you can get it to 76 F, at night, you are probably doing good (and going broke). They ought to just declare it a siesta, from June to September, in Vegas. My guess is where I will be going is nowhere near that bad. It should be about an even split between here and Vegas.

Sin has been on my mind lately, if not the way many will take that. Since my goal is heaven, I have been contemplating what is needed to get there. Think of this as creating the ultimate, or final, buggout bag, to include essential knowledge and understandings, since my faith is absolute. I think the biggest things, assuming a belief in Christ and God, is that our sins are mitigated through Christ's suffering and that we accept this. In order to be forgiven, we must ask for forgiveness. But finally, to ask for forgiveness, we must understand sin and what sins we commit. As much as I have studied various things, religious in nature, Christian in particular, and Catholic as a matter of practice and inculcation, I have a huge gap here. I mean to rectify that.

One odd thing about studying sin is that we can only deal with sin in our lives. Essentially, sin is very personal. And yet, while studying it, it is difficult not to see the sin others do and so become distracted from the original intent of our studies. Or, even, to see sin as such a common coin of the kingdom that we just decide to join in the 'fun' rather than to do the necessary studies or choose to abstain as we may. I think our quest for an understanding of sin can only really ever help us, personally, for the most part. Since we can neither forgive sin generally nor change others. More passively, perhaps, we can be helpful as examples though. Yet, without knowing sin, we cannot help ourselves or any one else if passively, by making an serious attempt at living proper lives, let alone finding our way to proper forgiveness.

I am a bit busy, at this point, so making a special trip to my favorite Catholic book store is a bit out, I would guess that, in the days before I leave, I will find myself in the area and will find myself looking for a book regarding just such a topic. Maybe two books. I need to obtain a more in depth guide regarding the rosary anyway, perhaps a written guide along with a recording of the various mysteries, so I have a doubly strong impetus to visit the store. It is very important, to me. Who knows, perhaps it will allow me to be less grumpy!?! Well, maybe not that. But if it pleases God, helps me in my walk, and allows me to offer advice in the way of reading or even some words to those who ask it, that will be enough. It never ceases to amaze me, when certain topics arise in conversation, how many people (Catholic, Christian, and on to atheist), in private little conversations, will and do ask for more. My heart skips a beat at the joy of that, and surprise and hope of that, from time to time.

Have a good morning, day, and life.

Fun and games, sort of.

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I finally steeled up and went and spoke with the neighbor. It looks like I will have help packing the truck. Beyond that, I cannot say. For now, it is very good to know. He has to check with the wife about anything else, which usually means no. No problem, really, and I understand. He really is doing a lot of work, they are busy as a larger family, and they have other social responsibilities. And, it is much easier to use to wife to say know. I know these things. I would do the same, if I had a wife. Then again, one never knows.

I have been separating, taking down furniture, and cleaning the kitchen. My no-polo polo shirts arrived. I will have to try them on. I have been considering Duluth Trader's shirts for a while, but I have been too broke, busy, or whatever. I like the extra function of the shirts, which will allow me to be a bit more physical. I also like the 100% cotton. They might not be as easy wash and wear as poly/cotton, but they stain less, or so I have come to suspect. I was amazed at how fast they arrived.

Well, back to work.

Several things done, many more to do, and more.

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A piece, a box, and then an area at a time, the process of sorting, packing, and throwing out what will not go continues. It is a little thing at a time that ends with a project being completed. It is so odd though, that while I do more, I seem to find I have even more time. Yet when I do nothing I seem to have no time to do anything. I know it is a flaw in perception, probably linked with stimulus. But it does not change the belief. I have to wonder how many of my, our, flawed perceptions are like that.

I may have found a place to stay, however, I need to make actual contact and see the bona fides. I think this person, who is considering renting to me, wants me to send money before anything. If this is the case, this will not happen. Not only will I need to meet with a real person, sign an agreement in duplicate, and have some other surety that the agreement is legitimate and I am indeed dealing with who the agreement says I am or their legal agent, before a nickle will pass. I have been surprised, in a way, at how bold con men really can be. I have some worries too. He suggests he is an officer in the Marine Corpse, yet he cannot write well, or seem to understand English. Now, if he were enlisted, I might think he is foreign born. The only reason I might think he could be an officer with poor English skills (very bad) is if he is first generation and speaks arabic natively or something. I am not quite sure how to check on him, to verify his offer, or how to continue with negotiations. I am working on it.

Everything is sort of coming together, if slowly. I did speak with the neighbor lady, and will speak with her husband soon. She suggests that he may still be of assistance in loading the truck. I am still unsure, and will find out soon, today, if he is around. And further, I will find out if he will indeed drive one of the vehicles out. He is a writer, and working on his Ph. D., doctorate, or whatever, so that he may teach English at a college. I almost think that if he did drive out, that it would be to have some time to think, to see a bit of America in a different way, and to have some time to himself for a few days. Well, that, and he is a good man. Things may have changed, I will find out soon enough.

My lady friend will be over later this evening. She has found someone who is interested in a fish tank I would otherwise have had to throw away. Of course, she wants me to clean it. And, of course, I will do so. But too, I will be giving more than just that. I have enough lava rock (or whatever it is they put in such devices) to change out the thing several times over. As well, I have a new fish net or two. All of my fish and my crawdad died long ago. They were well tended for their rather extraordinarily long lives, and I was prepared for even more care. I did not replace them when their times were over, however. So, she will get it all.

I am always surprised to see how broad the 'Republican' tent has become. I see so many "conservatives" who understand conservativism as well as they understand the Constitution, Bill of Rights, or why those are held as true and precious. Which, often, is not at all. Some of these are rich seeming women who seem to fancy conservativism for no other reason than that it is or in some cases is not in fashion. I see nothing conservative about their writings or thoughts other than that they claim to be conservative. I see some who claim it merely because they do not want to pay taxes on their very high earnings. I see some who make the claim because they do not want the banks to be owned by the government, while I think most liberals are against that too. With such a wide availability of the claim to conservativism, I have no wonder why the party which was supposed to represent conservativism has been destroyed. There is no common coin of thought currency. I think that was the point, like when New Yorkers move to Iowa, Georgia, or such. They first claim they moved to leave exactly what they try and create where they moved. They try to claim they are 'just like' the locals. They believe they are acting (and using their money and influence) for the good of the (poor maleducated) locals. Yeah, that is why I am no longer a Republican.

As I said, though, I am watching. I do not see a potential candidate who deserves my vote, I do not see leadership making a difference and the one that exists is as dead to me as a three day old tuna on the shore, and I do consider myself politically finished. If the votes and election were not stolen, if the thief in chief actually is legally able to be what he has be crowned, or none of those are true, either way, I think this nation has pretty much ended. It is not that I have given up, it is that there is little to fight for. How do you deprogram people ground to socialism by decades of unbridled feminism, statism, public "education", unions, and such? The answer is, you cannot. They now demand government interference in the hopes of being given bones. Few can work, let alone create work, in a competitive environment. I am almost surprised unemployed university students have not rioted for guaranteed jobs (yet). Go figure.

Then again, and to be honest, the dream that was America was miraculous. Perhaps such good things are not supposed to last. Barbarian hordes along with traitors from within who seek greater power, unfair advantages, and craven wants will always attempt to tear the good down, as they always have. Of course, one could always hope these are the end times. I will not say I believe this, only that it is possible. I am sure, in their own ways, the Romans, Greeks, Byzantines, Egyptians, and many others had to wonder, or hope, the same thing, that time was ending. As with those, most likely, we will simply continue in a more broken, more corrupt, less kind world, humbly looking back and seeing how poorly so many had chosen (at least quietly). I would wash my hands of it, but I do not think that is possible. Though, I am not sure what more I could have done. I have been speaking of this since I turned my back on socialism, for the most part, in my mid-teens. I saw what socialism, and communism, brings. The boomers, I think, see it too. But I have to wonder that they think genocide is better than freedom, honestly. I think they believe we should be caged, enslaved, and murdered. They honestly think we deserve it. They have no more belief that this will "save the world", "end global warming", or "provide good health care for all". Deep down, they just want as many of us dead as possible. I really believe that now.

Time is ticking and the work is taking more time than I thought.

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Bit by bit, I am doing this and that. With only a few weeks, perhaps I am going to really have to push. While that sounds good, I am not sure I can push. I hate this. I will get done what I can, and if need be, I will just have to talk to my landlord. However, that is a problem, as I will need to make sure I can get a truck for hauling this stuff. I have had no luck finding anyone to help, so it is just me. I may have to load myself, as well. It will be tough but that is the way of it.

I do need to eat, now and then. To that end, and with my mother's advice and memory, I have found the chile powder my grandfather used to use, and then ordered some. While I was at it, and since my clothes are looking a bit shabby, I ordered some Cabela's jeans (their classic fit works perfectly for me) and some Duluth Trading Company no-polo polo shirts. If I cannot find an apartment by the time I get there, I will need to look decent when I start knocking on doors.

I may have found a place. I cannot be sure yet, though. We have been passing information back and forth. The place is wonderful. It is more than I need, but it would be an apartment-sitting deal anyway. I would happily keep to one bedroom, the kitchen, and one of the bathrooms, avoiding all other areas like the plague. And, if I can find a decent place to eat or three, I will leave the kitchen alone as much as possible. Almost two months of searching and I have nothing, really, to show for it. Since my landlord is gone, I do not even have a reference, or a recent one. Bah!

Back to it. I need to do some shopping and then start tearing more of the furniture down and figuring out how to pack it best. And, hopefully, later, I can mow and speak with my neighbor. I am not sure if he will be able to help pack or drive out, some things may have changed. There will be only one way to find out though, so I best steel myself for whatever may be said in that conversation.

Have a good day. Lock up those front and back paws, like a cat on a screen door, caught in the wind. Whatever may happen may hurt, probably will, but hanging on just feels good for the moment. *clamp!*

Back to work.

I did a few things yesterday, however, my day was cut a bit short. I had to help someone out. As I said, some of what I had planned to do was done. Today I have a small list of things to do and people to call. I think I will begin taking my bookshelves, end tables, bed stands, and coffee table apart and secured for travel. A few business calls could be made as well. I already called my mother and checked in. She sounds to be in good spirits. We had a fine conversation.

I might be able to get some laundry and cleaning done between the small tasks. I also have my mind on packing the kitchen. I am not sure I will get to that today, it depends on how fast the rest of it goes. I am also looking to sort, alphabetize, then store my music CDs. In time, these will be done. I never can really tell how long a job will take, I have learned. I did receive an email from a Marine officer concerning renting his apartment. I suggested I would certainly be interested, but that I had either missed a previous email OR he needs to send details for me to consider the offer. To be honest, dealing with service personal is a preferred thing, for me, on average. The military imprints some, often good, things on it's people.

I best get going. Oh, one other thing. I believe I am going to check out one of the notebooks today. I am not sure I will buy, but I would like to look. If I get enough done, I will go to Best Buy this evening as I am winding down. I would like to look at them, check the keyboards, and see if there is a machine locally and readily available with a solid Linux OS. I just do not trust Microsoft. Between Microsoft's own intrusions, the insecurity of it's OS, and the instability along with the weak to nonexistent support leaves me completely against buying anything else from them if I can at all avoid it. Unless I just chance on the perfect (and very inexpensive system), I probably will not buy. It will be nice to look, now that I have an idea of what I want.

Drats! I was going to mow today, but it looks like it has been raining and further, that it will rain some more. Oh well, perhaps tomorrow.

Hey! Have a great day.

Women and me.

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I am approaching 5 or is it 6 years of celibacy. I have to admit, I thought I was doing well in this. The women I see here are attractive, but they are so political and religiously wrongheaded that I decided to not even look around. And, so, I backed off. Sure, I see them in stores, I see them when I go to restaurants, I see them on the streets when I am driving, but it is all at a distance. As my time away from women lengthens, I started to worry a bit. Perhaps I had lost my interest in the pretty ones, maybe I had become a dried up old coot, perhaps I would not be able to get back into the search if I found a place where I would be comfortable searching.

I have been helping a woman recently. She does not have a vehicle yet she has regular appointments in a neighboring town. I see it as a gift to be able to be useful, and more so in a personal way, to someone else. Secure in myself, and my devotion to chastity, I have been helping while also keeping my grumbles to a minimum and being pleasant, really. She is definitely not my type, if she is attractive. She gives me a hug from time to time, and is sort of touchy (in a nice way). She may or may not be interested, I have not and will not check. Thanks to her, however, I realize woman still cause me great pleasure, and annoyance, in the right ways. They can still be a huge force in my life. And that pull goes from the heart, the mind, and right down to my toes! Holy Smoke! Being up close and personal with the larger 'game' animal helps me realize the peril and draw and all of it is still more powerful than I had even remembered. No, when I find the right place to seek the right woman, I hope the Lord walks closer to me than ever because I could very possibly lose my mind. Well, more of it.

Why God did this, I know, but I cannot always deal with it, being an emotional creature when in areas beyond my logic, and I certainly cannot fully understand it. I know from what is written that He did this both for procreation and so we might have some sense of how much He loves us, right here on earth, through family ties. But I cannot help, at times, be suspicious. I suspect He wishes to trap us, or trick us. And, while that may be true, it is a good trick or trap. I think that is why so many marginal people try their hardest to avoid that trap, because they cannot handle goodness, or have not defined it properly. And, sometimes, I wonder if God does not have the best sense of humor in the whole of creation. Nothing is written about God having humor, so I cannot be sure about this either. Think about it, though. He produced Adam, decided how (not what) he would think, act, and what he would generally be like. Then he did the same for Eve. Only, when He made her, He made her so that she is diametrically dissimilar so as to be both helpful and confusing, attractive and repellent, and so very potent to our senses (and vice versa) in both the good and the bad ways. It is a beautiful treachery, and so very funny, at times!

In any case, I do get the humor, and I laugh my lungs out at the concept from time to time. Well, that is, when I am not crying about it. Still, it is nice to know that when I find the right group of women to begin wooing that all of my natural instincts, proper lusts, and interests are full bore ready for more trouble than I can possibly handle... without His help anyway. Lord, be with me!

Amen.

Some things begin to make sense.

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I have always suspected that the people I discuss here read here. They do not always understand and sometimes what I write here, which does not differ from what I tell them directly, can be bitter or sweet or such, but it is more potent as they are more able to review what I think more easily, through various moods of their own, and beyond how they might simply initially receive the material, unlike when it is spoken. It is like comparing a letter to a conversation. How much do we miss in the conversation due to emotional upset or cheer that we cannot miss from reading a letter? I would guess the difference can be as high as 70 percent.

I think my lady friend reads here often now. I do not see her footprint because the computer she uses is highly protected. And, I would guess my mother does so as well, perhaps other family members and friends also read here. I do not think my lady friend always understands what is written here. I do think she is thrilled to know someone cares for her, really and truly. And, I think good or bad, she loves seeing her 'nude in prose' in near print. My mother has another translate for her. The one I suspect does this, does it from an engineering educated farmer's perspective. Though solid, I think I baffle the translator not too infrequently himself. I seem to have a unique perspective and sometimes odd way of saying things. More, I think, perhaps, one of my aunts reads and tries to understand on her own, and fails. She sees a monster or a confused ungrateful waif, not someone merely trying to figure out the world and writing about his search through life and the emotions and possibilities of what he sees therein, as is the real case.

I think, simply, I am more widely read than I would suspect. I realized, after putting up a few add-ons to my browser, I am no longer visible to my tracker. I suspect those types of add-ons are more common than what I had thought. Add in that when someone posts here, I do not always see their tracks. I wonder how read I am here in my local area, in my Church, and whatnot. Though not exactly a phenomena, I might be more commonly read than what I had thought. And, further, I am probably not anonymous at all. While somewhat embarrassing to a degree, I have moved passed that. As I have said, what I write here is nothing I would not, given the chance, say. And, nothing I have written here unless the notion passes, I do not say. Then again, I suppose, I am anonymous merely through a general lack of understanding. I will not say that is always not on purpose, I will say though that as much of it as not is merely because of who I am and my general nature. A 50/50 thing, I would guess.

I did not make it to church. I will attempt to make it sometime this week then. Thankfully, locally, there are daily Eucharistic Masses. I need to visit Home and be a party, once again, to right celebrations and prayer. It is my duty, but more, it is my deepest pleasure. I have no friend or family like the Holy Trinity and the Church. Or I should say, any family and friendship I have is merely an extension of those. And, it is my hope, that I am a link back to those from those further afield, just as I am held by those from closer into those. It is a strange kind of magic, miraculous in some ways, quite simple and plain in others, and multi-dimensional all about. It is God stuff.

I have finally settled, however. I have restored peace. I have prayed this day and the last several, for guidance, wisdom, charity, and more. I have let it be known of my great thankfulness and humility. The gifts in life and the call to life have not been missed. I have inventoried what I may, that which I give up, both pain and joy, and that which I and others need, healing devotion direction and succor, and of course and always, thanks for everything from simply having such a great God to His wonderful work and Love on our behalf, and the chance and call to be near such Holiness in the many ways.

My reward has been a healing balm and a renewed sense of meaning and purpose. So, tomorrow, with thanks and strength, I will again set about doing what I must do. I will look to hope and fellowship, caring and kindness, and the work at hand to the best of my abilities. And, I must say, the tears and tribulation were worth every effort I felt the need to take in order to restore senses, sanity, faith, and order. What splendid rose is not worth it's thorns?

Dreams of Hell and death.

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I slept most of the night, and well. Until the dreams. All I have left is the notion that the two women I love most dearly are going to Hell. Not by my judgment, not because I hope this, not because I want this, but almost as much because I do not want it to happen. Nothing I do or say, no act of leadership or love, and no amount of prayer can change this. And the certainty, in the dreams at least, that I am dying and have very little time left to do anything but find a quiet place to rest for the final chapter haunted me to wakefulness, pain, and tears.

In many ways, I hope part of the dreams are true. I am so very weak and tired that death would be a gentle gift. I will carry on if this is not to be, and I will do what I may and what I am called to do. But dying carries no threats to me now. I have done my best to submit to my true Lord, I have done what I may to seek forgiveness, I have become ready to die when called, for the most part and within my capacities. I have faith, now, to live or die.

But the rest of the dream rips me apart like nothing else could. To be without some people in heaven, should that be where my faith leads me, is so harsh. But I cannot force them out of the damning waters and onto dry land and then into the heights where safety and life is perpetual. They reject my guidance to live within the pleasures and illusions of the world they see to be the only truth. They seem incapable or unwilling to acknowledge God, goodness, or reject sin.

It is not that I am sinless. It is not that I am Christlike. I cannot turn water to wine, walk on water, resurrect the dead, or even heal the sick. But I can see Who knows the way. I can hear what He has to say, if my faults do not always allow me to hear precisely or to follow perfectly, if too when I find myself lost I know Who to turn toward for guidance. And I believe without reservations. I have no doubts in Him, if I understand my feet often want to walk the other way, my eyes seek to lust, and my hand seeks what is not mine. That I cannot seem to share this or exemplify it shatters me to prayer. A prayer that if I am doing something wrong in my way that I may be shown how to lift my curse so they may see. So harsh, so real, so devastating. And yet, my faith is not shaken and I must carry on.

The new day dawns but tears occasionally tumble down. I will, indeed, carry on. Today is Sunday, I will not work but I believe I will make a good attempt to make it to Church. I live so long without schedules that having to be some place at a specific time is difficult. My exhaustion, though lifting a bit, is still around. I need Church now, more than ever. I suppose Church is a place where tears may be let, yet I would rather none see them. These are mine and Gods. I am a man, for the most part.

She is so surreal.

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The visit was interesting today. My lady friend gets things so wrong. I used to think she just remembered things wrong, that perhaps she was confused, or something. Then I came to realize she was merely trying to play head games with me. Now, whether it is a conscious effort or not I may never know. I do, however, have very strong suspicions based on previous debates where her devious nature shines. It does not get me upset, if anything I am surprised when she does not do this for some reason. After first I wondered if, when she was behaving, if she wanted something. But that has never surfaced. When she wants something, she simply asks for it whether she is being screwy or not.

We discussed a number of issues today. And, actually, we talked in depth. I never really mind discussing these things. She usually will not discuss them. She does not understand why I would want to leave this area. She thinks people here are as moral as they are anywhere. She thinks that my sensitivity to having all of my beliefs trashed is a personal problem. And she does not believe any one any where tries to live a moral life, or any more moral or ethical than what can be found right here. I suggested she simply could not understand (and there are reasons for saying that). But she, actually nicely, asked me to explain. So I tried to.

I told her that if I went downtown and told people I was going to pull a baby lamb out of the mother's womb for a tender meal, I would be run out of town on a rail. But if I went downtown and said I had just, and happily, paid for a baby to be pulled out of my girlfriend's womb for no reason than I did not want a child, I would get cheers. Perhaps I might even receive free beers for the occasion. She suggested that it was a one subject problem with me. I suggested that this is just one example of the upside down nature of this city. Every thing that is good, right, subjective, and true is rejected whole cloth by the majority in this town who see no reason to bring morality, ethics, or love into things. It is all a dirty business here. Get what you can, never worry about who you have to, well, even kill to get it.

Her basis for life comes down to what she wants, can get for free, or who she can hit up for whatever. She is a star here, if she hates everyone here, she also loves it here. I suggested this is a group of haters who only collect because they hate conservatives, Christians, patriots, sanity, morality, laws, and such even more. This, I said, is one of many Sodom or Gomorrah type cities. And, I suggested there are places where such sensibilities are not the norm, where immorality and amorality are not only not in charge, but are still considered embarrassing traits.

She still does not understand. As I said in the beginning that she could not.

I was surprised that she did not get all freaky, start yelling, and run out of the house, slamming the door on the way. She always used to do that. I am not sure what was different tonight. Her views, if anything, have become worse. Her belief in the magic negro is as blind as any cult worshiper. She even actually believes he is handsome and that his wife is pretty (she brought that up and I just laughed). But she left, and in pretty good spirits. Perhaps she is just taking names and numbers to be turned over for death camp detainees. It is possible, at least in her mind.

We played several games of Scrabble, I think I got two out of three. Did I mention I hate that game? She plays it frequently, against herself if she must. You would think she would beat me usually, and easily top my high score (somewhere in the low 600's I think). She usually does not win and does not come close to my high score. Still, it is sort of fun. For me it is the company and a few chuckles, sometimes shared, sometimes just mine. Though her frowns at my chuckles are sometimes even better.

We had chicken earlier, and a pizza right before she left. I sent a few pieces home with her. I will see her probably one more time in my life. She will be gone for the next week or so on vacation and will be returning just in time to see me off. Strange, even with our differences saying goodbye is never an easy thing. How is it... Ah yes. Hate the sin, not the sinner. Not even, I suppose, when that seems that all that is there is sin, at times.

I should be able to sleep well. And, she did help pack a few more boxes, to include those two lamps I was not sure how to pack. Good night.

Company.

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My lady friend will be arriving today rather than tomorrow. She 'works' at an organic farm in order to receive organic foods and because she is a gardener at heart but has no place to practice. It is overcast, however, today. It has been wet, rainy, and chill for the season lately and she has lost her heart to fight the weather while hoping for a better field day tomorrow, so today is the day. I suggested I had fresh roasted chicken, gravy, and she thought she could provide fresh greens and some other things to add to the meal. Such is the hearty feasts which occur when men and women gather? Yes, probably the way it used to be. I am not sure if I will make the enchiladas today, but I might. Oh, and she is picking up a few movies. I have a parting gift for her, and a job offer, so the timing is good. She is picking up a few movies, and I asked for at least on action flick. We should have a good day.

My dreams have been so intense lately. Just the other day I dreamed that I assassinated an army general for betraying my service group. He was involved, as were some congressmen, and some of their senior staff. It involved a train, an armored and locked limousine, an emp blast, and a few unindicted coconspirator (ignorant as well), and some good timing. The other parties to the betrayal were already dead. It was interesting reading the news of their deaths. The one who found himself on the wrong end of a rifle was 'officially' the victim of a heart attach, and all of those I killed ended up dying of 'natural' causes. Who knew that even in dreams the media covers things up. At least I have not been having any of my bad dreams lately. The other dream I had that I can remember I will enumerate later. It is really odd.

Well, I had best get back to real life. She will be arriving soon and I want to flick through my usual blog suspects. There is nothing like the blog world to keep the imagination vivid, if my recent dreams are really just very old reruns. Have a good day.

*poof*

Thoughts about wonderings.

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I commented at Vox's several times in memory, regarding classic books and writings, from "The Art of War" to Socrates and many other such things. For my part, I do not see the draw. None of these writings may in any way apply to real life. As entertainment, they are rather simple, perhaps even silly. What I see is that they have been used as a basis for cultural and educational currency, but little else. Which, in it's time, was sufficient for my judgmentalism. But given that Western Civilization has surrendered it's collective classic liberal education having any worth, these basics are no longer of use (barring, perhaps, the military academies and such). Their value is gone, save for a future where they might once again be a basis for a more civilized and (classically) liberal based West (or wherever such a society may again appear, if it ever will). I suppose, dear reader, I am asking you to judge my thoughts. Harsh or kind. I will reply, I will try to be tender since I am, well, just asking for it.

On another topic, there are many guns I would love to have. I think the one gun (though I would prefer a set) that tops my list is the MP-5 chambered in the .45 caliber. The numbers may change for that particular chamber, I cannot remember, but that is the gist of it. Since I will probably never have one, let alone a pair, and assuming I have all other guns on my list (I have 2 rifles, 3 pistols, a shotgun, and some other equipment first), I would get a pair of these. I guess I am just not interested in fancy or too pretty. I like things that reflect myself (or at least how I see myself). Simple, utilitarian, in some ways a little over the top (14+1... whoop!), and yet subdued and quiet. If you could draw a pistol in a crowded area and not be noticed, these would be the ones to do it with (not as in, going on a spree, more as in, drawing without the bank robber, shootist, or other clients or citizens noticing until the bandit goes down).

I have a dark streak, but it is not and never was aimed at the sheeple. I am a wolf in sheep's clothing hunter by nature. I do not actively participate in two-legged-wolf hunting currently. That is due to two reasons. First, I have no authority, technically speaking. I know there is a higher authority, but I find no call from that authority to do that work either. Second, I have chosen to distance myself from the evil that exists. For me to hunt, I would need to engage and to some degree, partake. I have washed my life, my mind, my soul, and perhaps even my memories to the degree possible. Evil would have to come to me for me to be willing to deal with it, at this point. I still cannot quite rid myself of my nature, but I think I will remain a two-legged-wolf-in-sheep's-clothing-hunter in my mind only... for the time being. The bloodlust is potently strong still, but like a junkie who made a clean break and has stayed clean for long enough, it is mostly at bay.

Well, I had really ought to go get some rack time. My sleeping is in disarray, sleeping odd hours, sleeping and walking in short shifts, and having night and day flipped for the most part. But it is what I have. At least I can, for a while, sleep. And, I can, from time to time, be awake and productive. Take what you have and run with it, I have learned. It might not get better.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz *hush... the wabbit is sleeping*

Good gravy, really.

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While visiting my mother's home, my 'aunt' showed me how to make enchilada sauce. While she was talking about it, she mentioned something about gravy. I sort of chuckled and said that I had about given up on gravy. She then suggested I pay close attention, more so if I wanted to learn about gravy as well. She then showed me what she did with the enchilada sauce and then suggested how I would do it differently for gravy. And really, there is not that much difference other than for gravy you use the sauce of a meat rather than a vegetable oil. And really, I think one could easily use the meat fats to produce the enchilada sauce if you used a little forethought and had enough meat juice to work with, though I do not know if that is technically or traditionally frowned upon.

As it turns out, she taught me well. I roasted chicken hindquarters tonight. I bought a bag which I thought only had 8 or 9 hindquarters. It ended up that I had about 15 handsomely sized hindquarters. Too many for one, but I have friends and I might make two enchilada casseroles, one with ground beef and one with dark chicken meat! I sure hope I have friends, though I suppose I could freeze. Well, except I will be moving in a matter of weeks. Oh well. In any case, I decided to try and make chicken gravy tonight. And it was, as I have suggested, good gravy! It is not the best gravy I have every had, but it is better than I have ever made by miles. Such a simple thing, after a simple show and tell session, I am almost embarrassed. The only real problem is that the gravy was a bit lumpy, just a bit but it is there. I will have to work with temperature control. I stayed with it and stirred constantly, but it was a bit hot so I didn't have as much time to mash it out as I would have liked.

I cannot wait to try my hand at the enchilada casseroles! I have at least one friend who will most likely take some of it off my hands, and I might actually have two or more. I purchased everything my 'aunt' suggested. And more, I bought green onions to slice for a topping and sour cream. I bet this is going to irritate my lady friend. I finally make a new fantastic dish and then move! Oh, I bet the witch will follow me out, at least once every year or two for a week of good eating, national and state park visits, canoeing or kayaking, and just maybe skiing or something.

I know, I had suggested leaving every one and every thing. But who does not dream of that from time to time. Dogs and our fleas, or is it the other way around? I suppose fleas dream of not having to sleep with the dog for a meal? Yeah, probably. Which has it worse, which is worse really, and why? Questions, and more questions than I can answer. As I have suggested, after a bit of praying and keeping my mind and heart open to God's will, everything has been reset. Stress, fear, anger, politics, family difficulties, and just the nature of things confuse me from time to time. Having a compass and guide, should I remember to use them, is, if a crutch, a great thing. I just suggest if you do not have the crutch of truth, it is like not having the crutch of a compass. Without those things, a walk in the woods could easily lead you to a difficult end. I will stay with my compass, thank you.

I was able to do many smaller tasks this evening. I am not sure how long it will take me to get my days and nights turned back around, but I am sort of trying to figure that out. The meal was actually a gift to myself for doing well. I actually had to cook the chicken as it was thawed, but the gravy was... well, gravy! I think I will be able to get this figured out and be ready maybe even a bit ahead of schedule. My lady friend says she is busy, and she may be. But I may be seeing her Sunday. I have an offer for her, my long term neighbor, or someone else. Money for assistance. After returning the computer, I end up having a lot more financial flexibility. The cash and credit are stacking up and time is drawing short. Even a few hours every other day along with my work. For me, getting some help sorting and then seeing more work done that what I could do alone both go to egging me on.

Well, I need to sleep now. Take care.

If not perfectly...

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I have started to work. I am doing little jobs here and there. It is slow going as I try to sort both what to do and then all the little things that must be done with each project or area. I am trying to start slowly, as I know I can easily become overwhelmed, especially as working in one area finds me being forced to work in another area in order to the first area correctly. If it stopped there, I think I would be fine, but when it spider webs to a dozen other areas, I can run into real trouble.

Part of the reason I wanted discussion about autism, if I wrapped it around general illness, was because some of what is discussed about autism (also, as one person discussed it, extreme maleness) seems to hit home. I tend to be able to focus on some things extremely well, but when I am required to do too many things, I become dysfunctional to a degree. Too many pans on the stove and things in the oven and I lose all cohesion to the tasks at hand, and in a broader sense, to life in general.

No, I do not think I am autistic. I just see parallels. There are other things that are wrong with me, but there is not just one thing wrong, I think. I have tried to believe there is nothing wrong, and like the paraplegic who uses his arms to lift himself out of his wheel chair and then simply tries to walk, I too collapse in a pile. Since I have little else to do, and medical intervention has not worked, while my mind is still relatively good, I do think about what really is wrong.

Anyway, back to the projects. As I said, I am trying to take it a bit slower, at least for now. However, I am seeing that I can do work. I am seeing progress. And seeing those two may lead me to getting things done on time and well. I still give this over to prayer. I wish I could lay claim to this, but I think prayer both helped me to focus and reset my compass and allowed me to get back on track. Beyond, I am still easily finding time to do whatever else I need to do, such as laundry, cooking and other food preparation, blogging, and cleaning and upkeep.

I think my next goal is to get my days and nights back in order, to go to confession, and to figure out how to get back to church. I need to take control of my life again. I am, once again, becoming excited about the move. As I am seeing progress and beginning to believe I can do this in time on time, I am able to see what lies past the move. It is good. Well, back to work.

Prayer is quite the tool.

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As some of you may now, I have been having a difficult period. Little is getting done, there are things I just cannot seem to nail down, and I have a feeling of powerlessness. I have, of course, been praying. And, I have been asking Him to take some of the external worries, to show me how to deal with these things as well such as what is happening politically, in the Church, and inter-personally regarding those worries.

I will not say prayer simply fixes everything and I suddenly have no worries, or that I will not need to work, or that I suddenly feel super. I cannot say I will just jump up and it will all work. What I can say is that my mind has been directed to begin focusing my efforts, that I see that doing one thing at a time will get all of the work done, and that I can do these things with a little work and hope, with faith and charity filling in where other things might be weaker.

And more. God seems to have shown me that what I cannot change is simply that, out of my hands. What he has directed me to in those regards is to what I can do. I can pray, of course. I can communicate with those who hold my political and religious beliefs, or similar enough for our mutual ends, in order to change the landscape of politics in the future and in the Church by being present. I see that my refusal to attend Church is a mistake, though I understand some of that is my health limits, and so a bit of rationalization. Though too, I had sort of given up going, resting on my crutches rather than using them when I really could have along with a bit of anger at the large presence of people in the Church who voted for abortion.

That is not the whole of what has come to me, I do not think I could write it all down. But to say I have come to hope would be an understatement. I am more refreshed than the man who has been walking through the desert for several days who chances upon a clean fresh pool of water. Now comes the hard part. Now comes the place where I am involved. Now I must step up and thankfully begin working toward what I must do. And, too, I must give up any bitterness and anger and merely begin working. My childishness must end, to the point I am able to make that happen.

No, this does not mean I will not look and see the problems being created by an overweening government. I will not be putting my head in the sand. What I will be doing, however, is finding means of voicing my displeasure, voting when available, and becoming a part of a Christian and conservative community and helping those communities grow in strength but without becoming so focused on what is going on that I cannot go on and do what I can do.

Just curious.

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Has anyone found a source that reasonably tracks the money going out as "stimulus"? Is anyone familiar enough with the government to even know where to start looking? Are the government agencies who are supposed to be checking this able to do so and willing to share the data? Where is the money, how much has been spent, how much is outgoing, and how much is left?

Oh, and when can I haz my chechs? I'll create jobs with a mere $10,000,000,000. I will need, at least, 3 construction crews to build my house(s); 2 maids (French dressed, if not really French, it's a bathing thing); a kitchen crew to include chef, sous chef, and several line chefs along with servers; A butler and a driver/mechanic; and a small fleet of vehicles both air, land, and see and service contracts for those; along with whatever else it would take to 'reduce' my CO2 footprint to that of algorish ranges. Oh, and of course, I would need accounting and investment advisers to make sure none of that goes back to the government in taxes unless I could also get a tax exemption for the principle and earnings. And, never mind about medical. I will have an inhouse hospital, thank you.

Just a thought.

Thoughts on illness.

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One of the blogs I visit brought up an interesting notion regarding illness. There was some suggestion that a debate about whether or not a particular illness was more of a spectrum or whether the medical community had made a mistake by turning a diagnosis into a spectrum issue rather than keeping it as a set diagnosis. My mind wanders. I posted a comment, as I said, but it did not generate a single response. Perhaps that blog is more for professionals, so my comment might seem childish, uniformed, or not interesting. I understand that. But I would be curious about what others think.

My idea was that, probably, most diagnoses are spectrum based. The worst cases may not allow a very functional life, even with treatment if that is at all available. My situation, for example, leaves me quite crippled at times. Every treatment I have tried has failed, and I have tried sincerely and many regimens. On the other side of the spectrum are people who lead very normal lives, yet have little ticks that are seen as much as who they are more than as illness. I think this is more than reasonable to take as a given rather than debate as a possibility. Only when one crosses some threshold wherein the sufferer becomes unable to effectively live there life, most commonly, is a diagnosis given and treatment(s) considered.

My suggestion, which could be considered off topic(?), was that beyond accepting the spectrum theory, another theory could also come into play. A persons actions or environment could adjust their place on the spectrum drastically. The disease specifically being discussed was autism. Much of that, given the rest of the discussion and given thought seed, brought to mind 'geek genes' as I called them.

What I noted in engineering school was that those who did extremely well (not all but many), whether they started out that way or not, became more geekish. People scoring A's, and even B's sometimes, as a regular thing tended to become very focused, they seemed to become non-social (rather than anti-social), and they began having little personality ticks that become more noticeable over time. There were other things that brought autism to mind, when I saw it generally outlined at the blog. And, these traits tended to 'worsen' over time. I even saw a person or two who went over that line and needed to quit school for a bit, perhaps forever, I will never know.

I suppose what I am asking is, can we, by our habits, our forced actions, and other things, deepen our illnesses, perhaps even develop them out of thin air? Even seemingly healthy actions, such as working out, learning, and certain social activities (I tend to talk till the cows come home), can they become party to furthering an illness? My guess is that they can and do contribute or even produce illness.

As a side note, I think one of my problems in school, though perhaps not the only one, was my rejection of the changes necessary to make it in school, and the stresses that brought with it. That and my general rejection in the absolute belief that absolutely nothing should be believed in except what was being taught both on and off topic, allowing for an indoctrination into what I consider amorality and immorality, along with the stresses that brought. It was too much weight to have to lift, fighting to do well in tough classes while at least feeling the need to fight off an assault on all I believe and hold dear outside of academics. Talk about a beat down.

Just curious.

A better day.

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I have been trying to get everything back in order, by my days and nights are slipping out of form, days becoming nights and visa versa. My weakness has continued as well. I have decided to risk drinking sugary caffeine drinks to try and help with that. It sometimes works in shorter durations, especially if I have (and I have) been eschewing the use of those drugs. I have been doing what I can with apartments, but much of it is by mail and one email needs to be printed. My neighbor might again let me use his printer, but it is a matter of being awake when he is and finding him at home. His wife is home more often, but I sort of stand on the principle that a man should not visit another man's wife while he is not at home. It saves all of us even the risk of impropriety.

I will have to see if the sugar and caffeine help tomorrow. I really need to begin packing again. I have been nearly literally crippled for quite some time now. It is quite frustrating. I had wondered if fear of money was being a problem, but there is no such difficulty. I could probably come up with enough money for 4 or 5 moves of my size, if some of it would be debt. Though not having a sure place to move is a bit spooky, especially at this point. There are only, really, two places who are serious as I see it now. Being that I will be sending through the mail, that makes acceptance a tight thing.

I have been trying to update my blog, adding active and interested conservative and libertarian bloggers to my list. I see some bright new people who share my concerns, doubts about the government, and true outrage at the scuttling of the American dream and all that it is based upon. I know we have some differences about how we would fix things, but we have to stop the ongoing juggernaut first. That will take all of us. IF, we can stop it, and then turn it around, THEN we can debate how to go forward (backward). Right now, we must group and attack together. We will lose everything if we do not. We may lose everything anyway (though, how can free men really lose, I am talking about losing within laws, whether those laws are truly legal, moral, or ethical is another issue).

We really do need to begin grouping, and sorting. Finding a leadership we can all follow, who will truly lead us, and who we can trust to speak and act for us. Then we have to put our minor differences and back this man. I have some limits. I am not interested in backing a woman. Quotas and feminism needs to put down. I am not interested in a minority, whether racial or gay. And I will not support a marginal conservative, if I will overlook a few flaws simply because there are none without flaws. Those flaws cannot include major differences on traditional conservative planks, or even be weak in those areas. That is just me, but I think it is the right combination for a win. And, it cannot be just the presidential candidate, it needs to be senators and house members, at the federal, state, and local levels. It is looking like we may actually need a new party. I think the Republican party has strayed farther than to be salvageable. I may be wrong. For me to even reconsider, however, heads will have to roll. Starting with nearly the complete top tier of the party, and selectively working downward.

Just do it. Get er' done. Whatever makes it work.

While I decide.

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I have been visiting some excellent blogs recently. Some of the new ones have made the cut, some old blogs have gone away. I think I became not so welcome and so I have let some pass. It is never a happy thing, but sometimes blog relationships end. Perhaps they merely have their sites for Vox friends and family, perhaps my disbelief in Ron Paul was the deal. For my part, they are still friends. I wish them all health and happiness. Many of those added, it seems, are rather libertarian. And yet, they seem open to conservatives. And, we have many similar doubts, fears, and concerns.

I understand I am a bit far afield, politically and religiously. The world has become secularized, nearly completely, right into the Church at times. I know. And politics has become both secular and elitist. I understand. And, though I hold myself apart, I do not do so in such a manner that I will become a crazed troublemaker. I have simply turned my back on much of the ills of the world and the world itself. Though I am armed, I understand that my only real protection is God. I must sleep, so become vulnerable. I am only one. And I am ill, old, and tired. In God's hands I must rely, and do so happily anyway.

So, I will simply walk softly, avoiding what of evil that I may, being kind to all but those who are a literal threat. I wish I could go out and help conquer evil peaceably and that I had brothers and sisters I could depend upon for mutual assistance. But I feel quite alone, at least where I live now. And, I feel overwhelmed by the evil that is around me. It is everywhere, strong, defiant, proud, and quite loud. Perhaps there is a place where it is still considered a shame and held in check a bit by that. Who knows.

I am simply too tired, and perhaps ill, to do more. It is difficult, at times, to even eat. I am going to have to just decide to eat or I will have a difficult move. I am just holding my breath, here, hoping to find a quiet place. So tired, so weak, so old. I just pray I can find a quiet place to, if it is my time, die. Or to find a place to regain my strength to go on and find a way to do what chores my Father has in store for me.

Amen.

Thoughts about it all.

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I have not decided yet, but I am considering a break. I am seriously considering leaving everything behind when I move. Not just blogging, but family and friends. I have too much baggage with them. Wherever I go, if they visit or make friends in the area, I tend to end up losing out. Whether it is because of what they say or what they do, I tend to end up in disfavor. While left to my own devices, I tend to lead a respectable small life. Blogging, I think, might have a way of doing a similar thing.

As well, were I had been moving has changed. Though I will still be moving to the mountains, I have chosen another place altogether. Any contacts I now have I will probably surrender. It is difficult to know who is friend and who is foe in these times. Not that the situation is new, only that the risks are greater now. It may be time to simply retire and rest, leaving the world to the horrors about to unfold. There are few ideas, principles, or people I would willing die to keep. Even the Church has become a frighteningly secular space, in some areas.

Should I find myself in good company, perhaps I would fight for that company, push come to shove. Though honestly, I am not in any condition to do more than drive or cook or such. And, as I have said, fighting would only work as a stall in the hopes some group, such as the military or military and police came to their collective senses. A land war would be terrible between civilians and the military and police. It would be an outright slaughter. It would not be covered by the media, or if it was, it would be so slanted as to be totally negative.

Yes, I think I am going to find a nice quiet place to hide. I am not sure of it, but it seems like the right time. I will think and pray until my time comes to move. I feel completely surrounded by evil, and really willful evil. There is not even such a thing as retreat, it is everywhere I have looked. Drugs, socialism, decay, and death. I guess I do not mind dying, I just do not want to be tortured to death at the hands of the very government I once fought for. I am not sure.

Thinking...

Back...

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The visit was pretty good. I think all of us there, being older and retired now, had a bit of a grumpy edge. My mother likes to try and boss me around to impress her friends or for personal reasons, maybe both. That never works. A please, a thank you, and a good deal of thought in what I am being asked to do (is it reasonable for me to do a task with no tools, for example) and then allowing me to do the task without trying to manage the work. She is a bit of a feminist pig that way. Still, after a few adjustments and some very simple statements mixed with a few words from the other guest and putting my foot down, things shaped up.

Food was fantastic. Steaks one day then enchiladas (real ones, homemade and well made) with green chile and tortillas the next, life was good. My 'aunt' sent home some of the fine enchilada dried pepper mix and showed me how to make the sauce, the rest is pretty easy. As well, we all went and visited my aunt, one with breast cancer. She was a bit nervous about our visit, my mom had not told my aunt that my other 'aunt' and myself would be visiting. My mother only suggested she would be arriving. I just stayed quiet and let them talk, I think my aunt dislikes me for the most part. She is doing very well for the condition she is in, having taken care to find what she could tolerate eating and then even gaining a bit of weight on chemo (she worried about that as much as her hair loss, I think, as she has always been quite slight of stature). We were all so pleased to see her and to see her so upbeat and (as I said, for the condition she is in and what she is going through) healthy.

During the time at my mother's, we had some bad times (though rather muted with company, I think), we also had some good times. All of us took turns on the grumpy wagon, then passing it on. Some of it was due to discomfort and lack of rest being in a new environment, sleeping (or trying to sleep) on beds other than our own, and such. We might have had some great times, though too. I have not seen my 'aunt' in decades. She was a family friend from the time I was adopted. She even shared a duplex for a bit with my mother when they were both married to their first husbands. Her children were close to us as well, from that time on. Oddly, through discussions, I think I understand now and more fully what my problem is with my mother, or more the point the reverse. My mother and my aunt have very different political views, and that had at one time been part of the problem between them. My 'aunt' is conservative, for the most part, and has been a successful part of society. My mother has been addicted to social services and preferred to drink and do whatever she wanted.

Yes, politics, and the lack of good reasoning to back my mother's (and aunt's I believe) political views, added to passive aggression, on top of my mother's already unreasonable feminine dictatorship qualities, lead to great troubles between us. She had suggested she would like to visit for a month or so this winter, when I get moved in. All I can say is that such an occurrence will never happen. Her smoking, her want of heat, her attitude, all combined with the fact that the area I am moving to gets a lot of snow and she could well get snowed in for months would have me cutting off a leg before inviting her to stay that long or in the winter. A week, in the summer, if she agrees (and holds her bargain) to not smoke in my house. That is the best I can do.

I see that, politically, socially, legally, ethically, morally, and in who knows how many other ways the US is falling apart. The news was something they both watched while I visited, so I was forced to see it. I honestly do not think much of this can be fixed even if a decent conservative candidate can be found and presented and then win. Even with a conservative house, senate, and president, with enough power to make changes will not help. When elected, they seem to set on their hands and become more liberal every day they hold office. I have to wonder if there is some poison in the water in D.C. that kills good (conservative) brain cells and at progressive rate.

Nothing seems to be around the corner for a fix, except maybe the end of the world. God did say there would be days like these. In any case, try to enjoy your day, walk well in your personal walk, and remember those you love while not forgetting to prey for those who have lost their way and your enemies.

I am off!

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I will be traveling for a bit. Not like I am regularly read, at least from the reports I am getting. Still, It's nice to let anyone who might wander in know what they really are not interested in. Family ties and long lost family friends lure me away for good food and good company.

I had been planning to leave today but two women I happen to know needed this and that, one of them waking me far too early and the other keeping me awake after that. Going back to bed after that was all over did not work as I had hoped. Instead of making up for the lost sleep I ended up sleeping the day away, unable to find that last little bit of sleep I might otherwise have found. Then again, who knows, perhaps it was just one of those days.

I keep trying to find an apartment where I am going, but I am receiving no replies. I added my own apartment, condo, and even room (if it has private facilities). This is looking terribly tenuous. I will leave this place on or about the 1st, whether I have a place or not. If I have to camp, I suppose that is what I will do. I should start lining things up though, a call to reserve a hauling truck, the last bits packed, and a few utilities set to be handed over to the landlord or canceled.

I have three weeks and two days to get it all together. At least I will be neither cash nor credit shy. And, should I be able to find a reasonably priced place to stay, I would guess my financial situation will only improve. Cheap is good, though I will pay a little more for a little better, if any one will get back to me. This is insane, I have been looking for over a month now, with no luck at all. Do rentals go that fast? Oh well, I will just have to keep trying.

Well, back to straightening the cave before I head out. I hate leaving any trash indoors, dirty dishes, or dirty laundry when I leave, even for a few days. Have a good weekend and good luck in any ventures or adventures.

Logic and the internet.

Just the other day I came down hard on someone for their version of logic and their stance on a particular topic using their version of logic. To begin with, they suggested that because they have an opinion, and that they gave reasons for the opinion, that questioning either the logic or the opinion was illogical. I saw the trap and pretty much ignored it. The trap of claiming logic based on opinion and daring any to question it is like a 125 pound boxer entering the lions den and daring the lions to even come close. The results are messy. And, I can be a lion, tease me and find out. If I generally do not bother to debate the issue after has to do with an absolute lack of interest. And, I do not care about the battery either. You may find it near shredded pieces of the shoulder upon which it sat, or in my scat.

I see this so often. I usually do not take the bait, at other times it seems as if I have no choice but to take the bait though.

The topic regarded the 'fact' that, because the writer thought laws based upon morality were wrong, and wanted them overturned. He would not further the cause of immorality or amorality should his wish through voting and advocacy come to pass. The legalizing of currently controlled substances, prostitution, and some other vices, it seems, was seen as no reflection on his person whatsoever. And that, since he believed in these things being legal does not suggest that he believed in these things personally. That is what many of our politicians say about abortion, that they would never have such a thing but that they would not impose their personal beliefs upon the general public. It works with one as it works with the other. For most of us who are against abortion, drug use, gambling, prostitution, and such that works not at all. I would go so far as to suggest even pro-abortionists see this as a public lie, if they do not care because it comes down on their side.

Circling the wagons and redefining logic does not make that supposed truth right or true. If you are pro-libertine in the guise of libertarian, expect no one to believe the smoke and mirrors or the logic. It simply fails. This seems to be how the left tries to define the debate so that no one can debate their stances. Put up artificial fences and define the area of debate around your presuppositions, regardless of how honestly placed the area is upon true logic and reality, then dare anyone to argue (and screech like a banshee if anyone disagrees or goes over into the land of reality based on the debate material). That is why elites are so often so very wrong.

It is not worth debating with people who define logic as their opinion. It is sad to live in a nation which seems to have decided that logic is not necessary for opinion or that they can define logic poorly without being questioned. It is odd to see how many think the legalization of drugs is a logic or a right, rather than merely an opinion (held by few). Whatever. He did accuse me of failing at reading comprehension (and being an idiot I think), so I had thought to go back and re-read, but I don't think I will gain anything from that and haven't been up to it any way. Oh, and the other thing is, he suggested that true conservatives were on his side. What? Talk about redefining. And, again, no.

It used to be funny.

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I remember watching cartoons and slapstick comedy. Bugs Bunny was my favorite. I initially like Road Runner, but over time I came to despise it, as I did with Tom and Jerry. Both of those, as I learned, were bastardizations of natural order. True, not every coyote gets every roadrunner, and not every cat catches every mouse, but they catch enough of their perspective targets to continue. There were still many shows I really enjoyed. Oddly, in spite of my rejection of those two and perhaps a few others, I enjoyed funny shows and movies because they were exceptional in their leaving the bounds of reality.

Though I still like some of that, what bothers me is what used to be gag material is now closer to how things really are. A bony bucktoothed ugly slapstick like character of a minority race who probably was not born in the nation who is also probably muslim is running the nation. Black panthers are allowed to intimidate racially, Israel is being told to let down their defenses and being told not to think about retaliation in the face of genocide, while he pushes for a socialization of American business and banking, in the one nation who stood against communism which threatened to take over the world and against the socialism that has eaten the rest of the world. We have a "leader" who is trying to get the most (and only) progressive nation to fall back to the default world order of socialism, tribalism, and other backward ways.

If it stopped there, that would be enough to be too much. But it does not. Men (and women too?) are so plugged into internet porn they clog the system. They are so into feeling sexy, looking good, and having money that they are willing to kill over a million babies a year to keep the good times going. It surprises me to see the look of horror on people's faces when they hear that the Inca's sacrificed children, even babies. And to know that they have no idea that they do this on a scale the Incas could never have sustained. To know that killing a dog might get you more time than killing a human. To realize that calling the police if you see something suspicious in certain areas might get the caller in more trouble than it is worth, even if they are right, maybe more so.

Yeah, our president is worried about the effects of the rightful killing of an abortionist, but he cannot be bothered to comment on the outright religiously and racist murder of one soldier and the wounding of another, IN OUR BORDERS. Is he going to pardon this one too? This just is not funny. This is obscenely grotesque. I go through periods where I wonder if I died one of those times, instead of coming back as I had thought and been lead to believe, but ended really dying and am in purgatory. On days like these, I wonder if I missed even that mark. After all, the last death would have been a suicide. No, this is hell on earth, or seems like it.

Go out, in any city, and look at what evil is. Get too close and you will not just become a fixture of it, you will be a victim of it. Put a camera in the average high school hallway if you want to see underage sex. And expect that if you send your children to public school that they will be brutalized, molested, treated poorly, or all of those, more so if they are white, religious, ethical, bright, and again more so if all of those apply. What it is it I hear in commercials... Ah, right, "Don't be so vanilla!". You do know what they mean, don't you? And they mean it in every way that can be meant.

Well, the laugh is on us, and it really is not funny. I have backed out of politics, being that Republicans are just Democrats who claim to disagree but whom you cannot differentiate in any real way, and Democrats are just socialists and communists. All of them have tried to shove God under the bus and are fighting over how quickly they can avoid being vanilla. I remember one scene from Apocalypse Now (based on Heart of Darkness, bastardized by Hollywood, of course), where the Colonel (whatever rank) suggests the hero call in an air strike on the camp and provides the coordinates, knowing it needs to end. Yeah, well, perhaps that IS what is needed. I may be insane, but I am far better off in that regard to most of the inmates.

I could not sleep but when the time was ripe, I did not dawdle.

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What a day, or two. Though I am still going through micro-fevers and a general nausea, with headaches popping up from time to time, I did not let it throw me. I could not sleep last night and I had things to do today, one thing I almost forgot. So, I pushed. And, I was able to push and get through the tasks, remembered or not, and do a few more projects. I will not bore you with the details, just that, for once in this last dry gritty hard thirty days, I did good. I might even say I did excellent. I might even give myself a B, maybe a B+ if I finish one last task. It is a hot day. I had to move a half a dozen heavy big boxes. I had to drive 80 miles. I had to a lot of things and I did them with determination and strength. I could have quit at several points, which I truly felt like doing. But when my body and mind, will and spirit, are in order, I can overcome exhaustion, simple physical ailments, and physical discomfort. Today was that day.

I have been a little strong in my blogging. When I get heated up, tired, and push beyond, I might tend to get a bit snappy. And I am awake enough so that if I make a mistake, I do not just tickle the thing I put the steer down and get entrails everywhere. No one likes a job half done even if they do not like the job. Or is that just me? Do the task, then figure it out. Go whole hog, hoof to tail to ear. If you have done wrong, grab the broom, then the mop, and perhaps a few two by fours and some drywall. Yeah, I think that is the way it is. As I cool down and come off rampage mode, I will figure it all out.

I am going to try and stay up until 23:00 at least. Maybe this will cycle my cylinder back to a fine feel. I have to get to the rest if I have to bulldoze through it. Maybe going outside, walking some paths, and getting hot, sweaty, frustrated, and energized might work. There are paths close to home and the little school girls are out of school so I will not have to deal with them freaking out, so I will not have time to cool down driving back home. To be honest, I am a halfgiant and I move hard and fast. I suppose if I were a tiny petal of a thing who thought herself equal to men and found herself being caught up to while she jogs and this ogre is merely strolling, I might be a little freaky too. But darn it, I mean to move and I hate having to wait on dainty joggers. Yes, well, there should be fewer or no fainting flowers on the paths for now. Or they will just have to get used to reality. Only I really know they could not be safer with me there than with me not there.

Yeah, that might get me squared to rip through the cave like a whirlwind. If nothing else, it would get me out of the cave and perhaps allow for something to begin undoing the ties that bind. I hate the fevers and the nausea, at least I can medicate the headaches and to some degree the confusion. Now that I have taken the computer back, I might have to look into a righteous pair of hiking boots, real ones, and go try on a couple of dozen pair. A treat for my feet and for my fetes.

Anyway, I will bug out and chill, literally, for a bit. It is interesting, how when pushed by myself or my environment, I can bring the beast to just right there under the skin. Still, that is like having a loaded gun which might really go off on it’s own if it feels I or others are threatened. I have worked with that, with a decent therapist, but it does not change that little bit of trepidation. That beast inside is animal, it really cannot be fully understood. I have learned to negotiate with it, but I have this feeling my negations are no better than the lion tamer’s negotiation with the lion… it is always up for renegotiation on the lion’s part. It happens, and sometimes ‘it’ starts with ‘sh’. Oh well. Hehehe, I cannot say it is not a ride, when I can remember.

I mentioned malaria...

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But only as an example. I thought I would look it up. Add in confusion, which is something that goes with these symptoms, and this could easily fit the bill. I go through various symptoms just like these, and often, every few weeks to months anyway. They are all common household appliances for my body. I would think that something would have shown up in testing, though since these are residuals, perhaps the clues are not as easy to see. When I go in, I am going to have to have a heart to heart with the doctor. This time I will be seeing a real doctor, or so I was lead to believe in their last communication. I cannot say this is all that is wrong with me, but it might be a hefty part of it. If it is not this, it has to be something like it. Wish me luck, the chance of them not bungling this is small.

Common symptoms of malaria

In the early stages, malaria symptoms are sometimes similar to those of many other infections caused by bacteria, viruses, or parasites. Symptoms may include:

• Fever.
• Chills.
• Headache.
• Sweats.
• Fatigue.
• Nausea and vomiting.

Symptoms may appear in cycles and may come and go at different intensities and for different lengths of time. However, especially at the beginning of the illness, the symptoms may not follow this typical pattern.

Which console game system is the best?

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Though I have much I need to do, while I am able to do little, and further though I feel like death is nearing, I would like to consider what I can do. I suppose this is not the best question at the right time, for many, for me it is life.

Though I have been able to, for the most part, keep to a day schedule, I am neither able to stay awake very long nor do very much. I am physically crumbling. Fevers wash over me often, nausea and headaches haunt me even if a heavy dosing or two of Tylenol along with a nap from time to time eventually covers some of those things, and a general physical weakness further siphons my abilities if this part is untreatable. The weakness is strong enough that my muscles tremble. I can still lift heavy objects, but doing so without care could lead to drops. There is little I actually can do. Gaming has, in the past, been a means of bringing me back into function, with of course the risk of addiction. Gaming is something I can do for short periods of time while requiring interaction, both physical and mental. So, the question remains, which system or systems would be best.

Perhaps I should indicate my preferences in gaming. I prefer fps games (first person shooters), other action games, and rpg games (role playing). I definitely do not like mass war games such as Civilization or Command and Conquer type games. I also do not like repetitive button mashing games where there are ten thousand moves (yes, that is probably an exaggeration) which have zero real game story or are one dimensional (go here and only here, then there, then do that). I enjoy games as light as the Myst series, though generally I prefer more active games. Computer gaming is all but dead, and the OSs which used to support gaming are drying up or dead altogether. And more, top computer game systems seem to be a joke at this point. They are sub par systems which are only used to advance graphics while merely hoping for decent games ported from one of the console systems, often a huge gamble that does not pay. Computers are merely business tools now. Do they even write single player games for computers anymore?

I would also want a system which does not need to be tied to an internet or other external connection. For the most part, online games are not my thing. Most require payment, often they require being in a guild to do anything really big while needing to waste tons of time just to get a major raid going only to last a few minutes to an hour, or the reverse requiring 3 or more hours to complete and on top of the 1 to 3 hour staging time. Whether on the computer or on a console, it seems rather lame. Picky? I suppose so. Doom, Duke Nukem, and the like, where my favorite games. They are pretty much over as a genre. The last Doom was a nothing and some of the others have been ruined so as to include minorities rather than to just play a game, being cut and segmented so some black can give an order or some woman can say something stupid. Bah!

The two systems that look the best, from what I have seen, are PS3 and Wii. PS3, depending on what titles it focuses on, would be great if they have the fps and other action games. Though it might require internet (or some other?) connection to function. Wii seems to support some of the wayback games and a few interesting twists in new areas using it’s movement activated controller. I suppose it depends as much upon what the game platform offers in the way of game titles and function. If anyone has any experience on the matter, it would be great to hear back. I know little about what games are available, or the quality of those games. And, I am completely unsure of what is required to run those systems or how they compare to other game rigs. As I said, what I am writing is merely what I have read. And it seems I can find few answers to my specific questions.

My health has deteriorated enough that I may actually have to call it in. If nothing else, it would be good to know if I am actually dying or if it just feels like it. I will not go back on meds, though if some short term regimen might be enough, I would consider it. I do not mind dying, I am half looking forward to it. But there is no reason for misery if that can be alleviated while I am dying. And if I am just ill, there is no reason to not care for that either. I will not tinker with them, or linger there. But if they see something right out of the box with a blood test or three or through symptom diagnosis, I suppose I could see what they can do. I just will not be a guinea pig for them again. Let all the games begin!

Is law enforcement on our side?

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A recent blog either asked that question or lead me to ask that question. And, in short term, I went in a logic circle trying to find where I really stood on the issue. I did not find a way out of that until recently. The answer, though it may seem circular still, is yes and no.

The latter answer, no, is a simple thing. Law enforcement is really created to enforce laws. They cannot possibly enforce all laws all of the time. Nor can they enforce laws blindly. As such, the average citizen will perpetually be at odds with law enforcement. We are the ones they are looking at. And, as a nation, we would rather do what we want rather than follow laws. And anyone who breaks a law would rather not face penalties for it. If there were enough officers to enforce every law, we would either have a huge civil uprising or be crushed under militaristic police forces. So, this leads to selective enforcement. Part of that selectivity is based on, hopefully, past behavior, demographics (yes, I believe in some weight given to profiling), and an officers instincts. Prosecutors and judges sort out the right and wrong, officers really are a thin blue line, undermanned and often outgunned (as it really is supposed to be as a means of balancing of powers).

On the other hand, the police and other law agencies really do exist for our sum total benefit. If you do not believe that, try living in a nation where law is weak, corrupt, and overpowering. Most Americans could look to Mexico for an example, but most of European law enforcement would make most Americans feel just as weak if they have reason to experience it, if in a slightly different way. Run from the police in Germany (at your very real peril), talk back to a cop in England or France, or cause trouble in Italy. You will find you have no real rights, not as Americans know them. As for protective service, law officers fail. Their job is mostly investigating crimes after the fact. And courts have agreed that, even with court orders, the police have no responsibility for the safety of citizens. That, in my opinion, is a good thing. I would rather protect mine and myself, thank you.

Beyond that, law officers generally do a good job, most are straight enough for government purposes, and do what is expected of them well. There are exceptions, as with all things. But for the most part, they really are world class. In my opinion, they balance force with patience well. They practice their trade in a manner such that, should that have been my calling, I would be proud to be in their numbers. And, all given, I will obey and work with them in almost any condition barring unwarranted lethal force being used on me, or something crazy like that, without me being a threat. I have had encounters with the police, not always happily (though too, never seriously), and I have never had a problem. I am large, but that is more of a risk than not. A big guy makes normal and small guys nervous when they are supposed to be in a position of power, so I would expect cops to overact negatively for that reason. Yet, as I have said, I have always been polite and have never had a problem.

Look, if a cop stops you, gives you a hassle, and you are clean. Obey him. If that means handcuffs and a ride, take it. Then talk to his chief and take care of it that way. If you are a doper and do not think dope should be illegal, then move to Mexico (or California). If you are a slime ball and like committing crimes, if you have a record, or if you have an attitude, expect trouble. Why? Because you are looking for it. If you think cops treat you bad, look at why that is happening. Most likely, you are the problem. That does not mean I believe in a police state, it means I believe in law and order. Beyond, if we reduce police forces to the point where they do not function, expect me and others like me to fill in for them. And, to be absolutely honest, if you are a dirt bag, you best hope that does not happen. I will not sit their and hold your hand while you smear and demean me, courtesy, order, or such. You best hope law officers, professional ones, are on the job. Because I will mash you, more if you refuse to take your medicine.

The first thing I plan on doing when I move is contacting the local sheriff and perhaps talking with the local police outreach officer. Well, I need to talk to the sheriff in order to get my cc converted. But I would also like to talk to him as a neighbor, ask some questions, and leave open that if he needs help that I will be available. I suspect all I will ever be needed for would be search and rescue tasks and such but one never knows. And, I would think, if nothing else, any sheriff would feel more comfortable knowing that there are people out there who are interested and willing to put a little skin in the game for their community.

Part of what confused me, regarding law officers, was that the relationship is and always will be somewhat antagonistic. The other part of the confusion is my rage at prosecutor’s and judge’s failures. I see them let officers take all the heat, do all the work, and just as often through activism, reverse discrimination, and other evils, spit in the faces of officers (and us). And, really, I do have rage about that. Add to the media’s work in this type of evil as well, I have grave doubts about law and order, generally, in the US. Until we restore sanity to the other areas of our legal system, that will not change. I have very little faith in “my” court system and media. But cops, yeah, so long as we can keep the Dums from corrupting them.

One last thing. Police are on our side, if to a much lesser degree and imperfectly, like God is. If we are doing what we are supposed to be doing we really have no problem. Do crime, or sin, and plan on paying the price... here or there, maybe both.