.
.
While I try to decide where to go to eat or whether just to eat something on hand, and time runs out, my mind has been messing with a knot. As I said, I have been praying to God, as usual, and being grateful for what I have seen and done and even for my life as it is. I have had to ask myself why I should be grateful for a rather miserable existence for most of my adult life and for an extremely uncomfortable existence for the last several months. A good question, to be sure. In spite of my faith that my prayers are correct, I wanted to tinker with the logic or thoughts behind being grateful.
For a bit nothing came to me. Much like a writer staring at a blank piece of paper upon which they intend to put various notions from several topics together to form a cohesive argument(s) or point(s), while not really being familiar with any of the topics or sure of the point in anything more than an academic manner, I have merely stewed. Then it just made sense. Like looking at an optical illusion in which a three dimensional object appears, I finally saw the notion.
It isn't about me, other than that I am an observer in a way. Life presents the opportunity to see God's work, to participate with others, to try my hand at doing good where that is possible, and to simply be alive and aware. That is all good, but when those things aren't truly viable because of pain, lack of function, illness, or other things, what is left? What is left is simply being alive, being a part of something that is immense, rich, interesting. Even pain, in one sense, can be seen as something to be experienced, if not enjoyed. Why does it hurt? How exactly is that pain sensed and what does it mean?
Knowing God could lift the pain, remove the illness, and make life quite easy and knowing God has not chosen to do that means little either. Miracles are vehicles used to relay certain things to certain people and for various other reasons. Not all are in line to be healed. Some of us are not even simply allowed to perish. Again, it isn't about me.
When you let go of yourself and just allow life to flow around you. When you can see beyond what is right in front of you. I begin to see how much more there is out there. It is humbling. But it is quite sustaining, too. Yes, I am grateful. No, I suppose not everyone can understand. Try it the next time you ache or are ill. Be grateful, see what else there is to see, you might even find the pain is much more tolerable if that wasn't my point in searching. Well, that is that.
Hmm, now... where to eat! Bah, I'm going. I'll figure it out on the road. Later or good night.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
A few things done.
.
.
I was able to straighten a few things before my visitors arrived. I cleaned the bathroom with a bleach rub then rinse, picked up a good deal, even vacuumed the living room. I did a couple of loads of laundry as well. It was all hit and miss but it was what I could focus to do when I could focus and when I could do. Perhaps it will provide leverage to do more soon. If nothing else it does provide some psychic comfort for now.
As light as the work was, it did require some effort. Anacin isn't really helping with the pain or headache at the moment. The breathing can get a little thin sometimes too. None of it, singularly, is enough to take me out. The group of distractions and pains, however, does cause problems. I have been, for the last four days, trying to do some study. It hasn't been working out. I simply literally cannot focus in order to read. It seems like such a simple thing, to read. And yet it requires some things which I seemingly do not have access. I probably am sicker than I thought, but by doing very little I hide the extent of it from myself.
Whatever. I will get to what I can do when I can, as always. Pushing a little further when I can and sometimes simply by putting myself into situations where there is no choice but to press on. For being really sick I am also rather strong, the juxtaposition of those things confuses even me. I am sure it causes doctors some confusion. This stuff, especially in aggregate, should be crippling me almost literally. Some of it is serious enough by itself to cause a worse ability to function then what I go through even in my lesser moments. It is what it is. I will do what I can.
The windows are open, the bathroom smells clean, my organization center is being used, and I am able to take my medications regularly. I have lost some serious size, again. I might be able to fit 38, perhaps 36 waist pants. Most of it was fluid, I realize now. I am almost guessing another 20% of my size is due to water built up in there. All good, give or take. I did worry that so much voiding would become an issue, or create one. Not so. Other than the permanent seeming burning sides (as if winded), headaches becoming more typical, and various aches and a general if milder than before sense of illness coming and going, I am doing pretty good. It is simply that, even with extra sleep (which I can thankfully get), my limitations are more than I had hoped, more than they used to be, and if not absolutely concrete at least solid and costly to surpass. Is that good? I think so, for now.
The missionaries visited, but there was some sort of switch. One of the regular guys was replaced by a visiting missionary for supervision or some other reason. In any case, putting the weight system together today was canceled, as was dinner. We discussed some things but a new guy can throw things off a bit. Next week, hopefully, I can get the weight system together and take the lads out for pizza.
So much is going on in the news. So little of it has any importance whatsoever. I am digging through the garbage to try and find even whispers of important news. While Weinergate is winding down, even the news about jobs and housing prices being equated to worse than the depression is of little import. Sure, it's good to see msm running something like a whisper of the truth, to many of us this would be like telling us, five minutes before sinking, that the Titanic is in trouble. No, tell me about the negotiations regarding the debt ceiling, tell me about how we are planning to get out of Libya, tell me what is going on with the take-over of the Middle East by the sharia loving muslim brotherhood. I want news, information damn it, not crap. The worst offenders are the blogs which reportedly are the paths around the roadblock of information caused by the msm. Everyone is just playing, it seems. No one feels obliged to get the real stuff out. Are they all sellouts? Bah!
Fragging BAH!
Hmm, food. Since I am cleaned, groomed, and dressed, I might just hit the road and find some easy food. No! Not road kill. Though if I see a major news network group, I might consider making some. Just... a thought. Later.
.
I was able to straighten a few things before my visitors arrived. I cleaned the bathroom with a bleach rub then rinse, picked up a good deal, even vacuumed the living room. I did a couple of loads of laundry as well. It was all hit and miss but it was what I could focus to do when I could focus and when I could do. Perhaps it will provide leverage to do more soon. If nothing else it does provide some psychic comfort for now.
As light as the work was, it did require some effort. Anacin isn't really helping with the pain or headache at the moment. The breathing can get a little thin sometimes too. None of it, singularly, is enough to take me out. The group of distractions and pains, however, does cause problems. I have been, for the last four days, trying to do some study. It hasn't been working out. I simply literally cannot focus in order to read. It seems like such a simple thing, to read. And yet it requires some things which I seemingly do not have access. I probably am sicker than I thought, but by doing very little I hide the extent of it from myself.
Whatever. I will get to what I can do when I can, as always. Pushing a little further when I can and sometimes simply by putting myself into situations where there is no choice but to press on. For being really sick I am also rather strong, the juxtaposition of those things confuses even me. I am sure it causes doctors some confusion. This stuff, especially in aggregate, should be crippling me almost literally. Some of it is serious enough by itself to cause a worse ability to function then what I go through even in my lesser moments. It is what it is. I will do what I can.
The windows are open, the bathroom smells clean, my organization center is being used, and I am able to take my medications regularly. I have lost some serious size, again. I might be able to fit 38, perhaps 36 waist pants. Most of it was fluid, I realize now. I am almost guessing another 20% of my size is due to water built up in there. All good, give or take. I did worry that so much voiding would become an issue, or create one. Not so. Other than the permanent seeming burning sides (as if winded), headaches becoming more typical, and various aches and a general if milder than before sense of illness coming and going, I am doing pretty good. It is simply that, even with extra sleep (which I can thankfully get), my limitations are more than I had hoped, more than they used to be, and if not absolutely concrete at least solid and costly to surpass. Is that good? I think so, for now.
The missionaries visited, but there was some sort of switch. One of the regular guys was replaced by a visiting missionary for supervision or some other reason. In any case, putting the weight system together today was canceled, as was dinner. We discussed some things but a new guy can throw things off a bit. Next week, hopefully, I can get the weight system together and take the lads out for pizza.
So much is going on in the news. So little of it has any importance whatsoever. I am digging through the garbage to try and find even whispers of important news. While Weinergate is winding down, even the news about jobs and housing prices being equated to worse than the depression is of little import. Sure, it's good to see msm running something like a whisper of the truth, to many of us this would be like telling us, five minutes before sinking, that the Titanic is in trouble. No, tell me about the negotiations regarding the debt ceiling, tell me about how we are planning to get out of Libya, tell me what is going on with the take-over of the Middle East by the sharia loving muslim brotherhood. I want news, information damn it, not crap. The worst offenders are the blogs which reportedly are the paths around the roadblock of information caused by the msm. Everyone is just playing, it seems. No one feels obliged to get the real stuff out. Are they all sellouts? Bah!
Fragging BAH!
Hmm, food. Since I am cleaned, groomed, and dressed, I might just hit the road and find some easy food. No! Not road kill. Though if I see a major news network group, I might consider making some. Just... a thought. Later.
Pretty rough.
.
.
Breathing is still good but my sides ache again. They have for several days now. The pain is like the pain you get when winded, so not new. And I am sinking a bit. I suppose it is better than being unable to catch my breathe as a constant problem. I see cardiology next week, perhaps they can figure something out. I have been sleeping too much but needing every drop. Beside the usual sleep, I have been adding in long naps every other day. While I can fight to stay awake, the ability to think and act at those times is hugely diminished making it a mere exercise if futility and pain. I would rather sleep more and end up doing more than stretching consciousness for no more gain than merely being able to say I was "awake".
I have visitors coming today. I will be getting help setting up my weight system. Focus and bending are a problem, but the thing will much more easily be set up with more than two hands in any case. I don't know when I might start using the weights, but having it set up will make the opportunity costs minimal. While they are here, I might give a couple of lifts just to see... where I am at with that. The curl bar and dumbbells are fine, it's the barbell I need to test out. Probably not a problem strength wise, the problem would be breathing.
Well, a bit more cleaning, a shower, and getting ready for company seems like the thing. Later.
.
Breathing is still good but my sides ache again. They have for several days now. The pain is like the pain you get when winded, so not new. And I am sinking a bit. I suppose it is better than being unable to catch my breathe as a constant problem. I see cardiology next week, perhaps they can figure something out. I have been sleeping too much but needing every drop. Beside the usual sleep, I have been adding in long naps every other day. While I can fight to stay awake, the ability to think and act at those times is hugely diminished making it a mere exercise if futility and pain. I would rather sleep more and end up doing more than stretching consciousness for no more gain than merely being able to say I was "awake".
I have visitors coming today. I will be getting help setting up my weight system. Focus and bending are a problem, but the thing will much more easily be set up with more than two hands in any case. I don't know when I might start using the weights, but having it set up will make the opportunity costs minimal. While they are here, I might give a couple of lifts just to see... where I am at with that. The curl bar and dumbbells are fine, it's the barbell I need to test out. Probably not a problem strength wise, the problem would be breathing.
Well, a bit more cleaning, a shower, and getting ready for company seems like the thing. Later.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
A great big helping of nap.
.
.
Yeah, sure, but it helps. I didn't bother checking the time when I laid down nor when I got up. I was too far gone and couldn't wake all that well at first. If I had to guess I would say five hours or more. I did a good deal yesterday considering how long I have been at bed rest conditions. At least my native will to get to things will overcome the need to push for a while. At some point, hopefully, I can get to pushing. For now I suffer just from doing what I need, like, and want to do.
I received a call from the sleep study people. They have scheduled an overnight in a few days. Since I am going to be in the area for an appointment earlier in the day I decided to stretch my time there and just stay for the study in the evening. I know they will find nothing. I have been tested five or six times in the last eight years. If I am having troubles here at home it is environmental. One more, and this time uselessly, test to provide government workers government work. Still, if I don't comply medical will simply point the finger again (ignoring that three are pointed back at them).
If I can shake this groggy feeling I am hoping to dig into just plain house cleaning tonight. The living room neatened, the kitchen meaning dishes, and if I still have something on track, the bathroom after that. My treat will be a comfortable meal and a sense of relief. Just having appointments set up on the calender and phone, having some business going forward, and having taken care of two or three pieces of business in the last few days makes me feel like a million bucks (post bail-out(s), QE2, the Fed, and other degradation of the dollar). As well, getting out and finishing off a Christmas present presentation has made this a good week already. No, nothing fancy but it is, combined, a minor miracle. I was dying for breathe just a few weeks ago and for months before it. I'm... I'm getting better.
Have a good night.
.
Yeah, sure, but it helps. I didn't bother checking the time when I laid down nor when I got up. I was too far gone and couldn't wake all that well at first. If I had to guess I would say five hours or more. I did a good deal yesterday considering how long I have been at bed rest conditions. At least my native will to get to things will overcome the need to push for a while. At some point, hopefully, I can get to pushing. For now I suffer just from doing what I need, like, and want to do.
I received a call from the sleep study people. They have scheduled an overnight in a few days. Since I am going to be in the area for an appointment earlier in the day I decided to stretch my time there and just stay for the study in the evening. I know they will find nothing. I have been tested five or six times in the last eight years. If I am having troubles here at home it is environmental. One more, and this time uselessly, test to provide government workers government work. Still, if I don't comply medical will simply point the finger again (ignoring that three are pointed back at them).
If I can shake this groggy feeling I am hoping to dig into just plain house cleaning tonight. The living room neatened, the kitchen meaning dishes, and if I still have something on track, the bathroom after that. My treat will be a comfortable meal and a sense of relief. Just having appointments set up on the calender and phone, having some business going forward, and having taken care of two or three pieces of business in the last few days makes me feel like a million bucks (post bail-out(s), QE2, the Fed, and other degradation of the dollar). As well, getting out and finishing off a Christmas present presentation has made this a good week already. No, nothing fancy but it is, combined, a minor miracle. I was dying for breathe just a few weeks ago and for months before it. I'm... I'm getting better.
Have a good night.
Surviving.
.
.
I have been occupied with other matters lately. While I am considering some options to rearrange my life, some of that is on hold until I can... regain some balance here in my home. I continue to plot and plan and things. Anyone who is awake has to be taking the dire warnings being broadcast by a thousand and one sources as at least plausible at this time. Many, of course, are just now hearing that we might, how to put it, be facing a long term economic decline (to put it mildly and in a way those who are very adverse to change, fear, logic can understand it).
While I heard this, and came to believe it long ago, and did make changes, I am just getting to a point again where moving forward on some of this is again possible. Due to health issues, what I can do at any one time or in any major way is somewhat limited. Finances, of course, play a part in it too. As do distractions, a remaining foolish nature, a natural tendency to believe in continuity, and other factors. And yet, in spite of it all, just the bit of learning I have done, the move to a more survivable area, and the choice in a home and the type of home and land, all put me ahead of many, most I would guess. Sometimes being unemployable is a handicap, sometimes too it is just the opposite. I was free to go where the economy would not otherwise have potentially supported my career. I am free to look and learn.
One thing I keep seeing, which causes some concern, is the notion that merely having food (whether for a few weeks or a few years) is enough. While, in many situations, that might be true, in just as many cases it is not. From food preparation itself to the notion that travel or defending the food must be considered, reality leaves many scenarios open to even a solid food storage component of survival vulnerable. To that end I keep thinking of my notion of a brick or mud oven and a more portable stove. While brick ovens might be neat, campy, cool, or such, they are also prohibitively expensive. Just the materials, not counting the knowledge of construction, leave the project a non-starter. There are good options though. Here is a link to the oven I would love to build. This is a link to the more portable stove I would like to buy. I am still watching pennies right now, but the stove should be here before the summer is through, and perhaps I may begin collecting some of the material for the oven. And, if I can get my legs under me, I will be looking at where to build the adobe bread stove and beginning plans for next summer at the latest. Food is essential, short or long term, but it simply isn't enough by itself.
I have been receiving a manual of courses from a local college. Thinking the thing was merely sent to the wrong address, I have been ignoring it. Well, that and my disdain for academia in general. However, recently I needed to use the facilities and believed reading might be necessary (just... trust me). Both turned out to be true but the only thing I could lay my hands on fast enough to meet my needs was this course book. Oops, on my part. No, no, everything came to pass nearly fluidly with my mind otherwise distracted. My mistake was ignoring this class offering catalog. It suggested courses in everything from first responder to welding, and various levels within all that. A bit more of an examination showed many of these courses could be taken with minimal pain, being offered a few days a week several hours at a time rather than an hour a day for all the days of the business week. Yes, yes, I see many courses which I could and would consider taking. Fool that I am, I am late. Then again I am not sure I could have done much about participation until, actually, the near future in any case. Money, illness, the tending I have given my home to date, and other considerations all pretty much ate me to date. Perhaps providence plays a part in the timing of the availabilities of the doors to furtherance? Still, there is that.
Minor skills, food and water stocks, cooking basics, back up systems, and the will to survive, learn, and thrive past the decay and possible death of the dollar, the economy in general, potentially civil order, and life as we have known it is part of what it will take. Every little bit will help. And, if health should return or even remain at a stagnant position as is, I think I can again begin getting some of these things tended. For those of you who are just learning, the path is not closed to you. You might not be able to move, find the right place to live, or change your circumstances. What you can do is learn, store, understand your predicament and do minor outreach in your area, and... brace.
There is no place to move in order to move up in the world. Wealth will not find a safe harbor, not in China, not in gold, not in Shangri~La. Some areas will be safer and more sure. Some places will decline at a rate that will seem cruel. When Christ suggested that any man, be he slave or master, rich or poor, strong or weak, can find heaven, I think He also meant that were you stand is where you should stand for what is right. Even to death. But more harshly so at times, in life. I do wish all fortune in their efforts. But I should advise that luck is more surely made than granted or fated. So get busy boys and girls. Time is short and that clock is losing time faster than the US is spending money.
.
I have been occupied with other matters lately. While I am considering some options to rearrange my life, some of that is on hold until I can... regain some balance here in my home. I continue to plot and plan and things. Anyone who is awake has to be taking the dire warnings being broadcast by a thousand and one sources as at least plausible at this time. Many, of course, are just now hearing that we might, how to put it, be facing a long term economic decline (to put it mildly and in a way those who are very adverse to change, fear, logic can understand it).
While I heard this, and came to believe it long ago, and did make changes, I am just getting to a point again where moving forward on some of this is again possible. Due to health issues, what I can do at any one time or in any major way is somewhat limited. Finances, of course, play a part in it too. As do distractions, a remaining foolish nature, a natural tendency to believe in continuity, and other factors. And yet, in spite of it all, just the bit of learning I have done, the move to a more survivable area, and the choice in a home and the type of home and land, all put me ahead of many, most I would guess. Sometimes being unemployable is a handicap, sometimes too it is just the opposite. I was free to go where the economy would not otherwise have potentially supported my career. I am free to look and learn.
One thing I keep seeing, which causes some concern, is the notion that merely having food (whether for a few weeks or a few years) is enough. While, in many situations, that might be true, in just as many cases it is not. From food preparation itself to the notion that travel or defending the food must be considered, reality leaves many scenarios open to even a solid food storage component of survival vulnerable. To that end I keep thinking of my notion of a brick or mud oven and a more portable stove. While brick ovens might be neat, campy, cool, or such, they are also prohibitively expensive. Just the materials, not counting the knowledge of construction, leave the project a non-starter. There are good options though. Here is a link to the oven I would love to build. This is a link to the more portable stove I would like to buy. I am still watching pennies right now, but the stove should be here before the summer is through, and perhaps I may begin collecting some of the material for the oven. And, if I can get my legs under me, I will be looking at where to build the adobe bread stove and beginning plans for next summer at the latest. Food is essential, short or long term, but it simply isn't enough by itself.
I have been receiving a manual of courses from a local college. Thinking the thing was merely sent to the wrong address, I have been ignoring it. Well, that and my disdain for academia in general. However, recently I needed to use the facilities and believed reading might be necessary (just... trust me). Both turned out to be true but the only thing I could lay my hands on fast enough to meet my needs was this course book. Oops, on my part. No, no, everything came to pass nearly fluidly with my mind otherwise distracted. My mistake was ignoring this class offering catalog. It suggested courses in everything from first responder to welding, and various levels within all that. A bit more of an examination showed many of these courses could be taken with minimal pain, being offered a few days a week several hours at a time rather than an hour a day for all the days of the business week. Yes, yes, I see many courses which I could and would consider taking. Fool that I am, I am late. Then again I am not sure I could have done much about participation until, actually, the near future in any case. Money, illness, the tending I have given my home to date, and other considerations all pretty much ate me to date. Perhaps providence plays a part in the timing of the availabilities of the doors to furtherance? Still, there is that.
Minor skills, food and water stocks, cooking basics, back up systems, and the will to survive, learn, and thrive past the decay and possible death of the dollar, the economy in general, potentially civil order, and life as we have known it is part of what it will take. Every little bit will help. And, if health should return or even remain at a stagnant position as is, I think I can again begin getting some of these things tended. For those of you who are just learning, the path is not closed to you. You might not be able to move, find the right place to live, or change your circumstances. What you can do is learn, store, understand your predicament and do minor outreach in your area, and... brace.
There is no place to move in order to move up in the world. Wealth will not find a safe harbor, not in China, not in gold, not in Shangri~La. Some areas will be safer and more sure. Some places will decline at a rate that will seem cruel. When Christ suggested that any man, be he slave or master, rich or poor, strong or weak, can find heaven, I think He also meant that were you stand is where you should stand for what is right. Even to death. But more harshly so at times, in life. I do wish all fortune in their efforts. But I should advise that luck is more surely made than granted or fated. So get busy boys and girls. Time is short and that clock is losing time faster than the US is spending money.
Raining, again. Surprise!?!
.
.
Oh, no worries. At least it is still warm enough that I can have some of my windows open. The rain was light as well. It looks like it might rain again yet today, even with the sun shining occasionally. I was able to call and finally get in touch with a claims rep, after two weeks of calling and at least two messages. This time I went through the office operator and suggested they not merely connect me to what I believed would be another message service connection. I heard something like an apology and possibly connecting me to a supervisor and that the direct line would be tried first. Surprise! The connection went directly through.
As well, I organized my appointments. I had to call to find some of them. I could not remember when Sam goes in next or when the cardiology appointment is to happen. A few calls, surety, then into the smart phone and written on the calender as well. I am not sure how much this will help. If I can't get up or if my sleeping is way off there is sometimes little I can do. Perhaps calling in "sick" would still be preferable. At least the appointments, times, and dates aren't just free-floating in cerebral fluids causing me to choke on uncertainty from time to time. I have done well in these last months, making appointments, being slightly more timely when meeting people, paying bills on time or setting them up. But it has been hair-raising, like walking along all introverted and comfy to suddenly become aware that the floor is now ice, the top sheet is melting slightly, and the trip off the new surface is long in all directions.
There were... some other things I had hoped to use the planning board to arrange. I just... can't... remember. The good thing is the system is right beside me a quarter of the day so even a short lived impulse memory has a shot at being implemented or at least jotted down before it disappears into the psychic nether. I have even semi-arranged the system so it is aesthetically pleasing to my philistine eyes. Mostly simple geometric spacing, with a small area in which the magnets are aligned in a more whimsical free-form style. I like it. Hmm, maybe making physical lists using the post-it notes, goals, plans, hopes. Meh, the area isn't that big. But real short term goals might fit in, on the sides, with post-it notes.
Hmm, perhaps some house cleaning while I wait to see if it is going to rain shortly or not. Or, better, lunch! I have two brots left, grapes as a new acquisition, and need a bit of fluid anyway. Then maybe some real work, inside or out. Good luck on your projects.
.
Oh, no worries. At least it is still warm enough that I can have some of my windows open. The rain was light as well. It looks like it might rain again yet today, even with the sun shining occasionally. I was able to call and finally get in touch with a claims rep, after two weeks of calling and at least two messages. This time I went through the office operator and suggested they not merely connect me to what I believed would be another message service connection. I heard something like an apology and possibly connecting me to a supervisor and that the direct line would be tried first. Surprise! The connection went directly through.
As well, I organized my appointments. I had to call to find some of them. I could not remember when Sam goes in next or when the cardiology appointment is to happen. A few calls, surety, then into the smart phone and written on the calender as well. I am not sure how much this will help. If I can't get up or if my sleeping is way off there is sometimes little I can do. Perhaps calling in "sick" would still be preferable. At least the appointments, times, and dates aren't just free-floating in cerebral fluids causing me to choke on uncertainty from time to time. I have done well in these last months, making appointments, being slightly more timely when meeting people, paying bills on time or setting them up. But it has been hair-raising, like walking along all introverted and comfy to suddenly become aware that the floor is now ice, the top sheet is melting slightly, and the trip off the new surface is long in all directions.
There were... some other things I had hoped to use the planning board to arrange. I just... can't... remember. The good thing is the system is right beside me a quarter of the day so even a short lived impulse memory has a shot at being implemented or at least jotted down before it disappears into the psychic nether. I have even semi-arranged the system so it is aesthetically pleasing to my philistine eyes. Mostly simple geometric spacing, with a small area in which the magnets are aligned in a more whimsical free-form style. I like it. Hmm, maybe making physical lists using the post-it notes, goals, plans, hopes. Meh, the area isn't that big. But real short term goals might fit in, on the sides, with post-it notes.
Hmm, perhaps some house cleaning while I wait to see if it is going to rain shortly or not. Or, better, lunch! I have two brots left, grapes as a new acquisition, and need a bit of fluid anyway. Then maybe some real work, inside or out. Good luck on your projects.
Up and at it.
.
.
Late is the hour and I don't care. I slept as I needed. Then again I was awake late. Right now I am a little less worried about burning daylight and more worried about just not feeling too much pain, discomfort, or being discombobulated. I am having to feed on 2k Anacin in the mornings (when I wake up) to make it all work. It doesn't work perfectly even so. But it as good as I have had life in over three months. For now that is plenty good enough.
After bringing home the bits and pieces yesterday, I have mounted the cork board and magnetic board. A drill, a level (which I ended up not using), this, that, and the other thing were all brought out and the project was completed quickly, relatively. I even brought a calender out and have it set up beside the boards. Right beside me for easy use as I tinker on the computer. Little as it is, I am impressed. One of the projects even required the employment of drywall anchors. I HATE drywall anchors. Something about something, a personal pet peeve, all of which might actually cause a project to never get done. I have lots of pet peeves, like it or not. Between peevishness, anger, confusion, exhaustion, and a dozen other problems, life can be difficult. You simply have to be in an angry wasp storm with my current limitations to fully understand. Barring that, go camping on the hottest most humid day you can find, work until you are about ready to pass out from vapors, then pull out a calculus manual and teach yourself or study. That is, most literally, the world I seem to find myself in more often than not. Only perceived you say? Maybe. But I think I have had health issues that come and go, health issues that were never investigated until they became so obvious even a child could see. Bah!
It looks like it might rain today, so I honestly don't know what I can get done. A phone call or three is due. I need to check on some appointments and get them on my new information center. Oh, I also paid a new bill last night! Simple, sure. But something that often goes... unheeded. Not this one, not this time. If I am not caught up I am quite close. I keep looking at the dishes and the laundry, too. Who knows.
Well, on to a new day, another chance, and so far a rather good day. Have a great day even if it hurts just a little, even if you have to tickle the devil out of it, even if you don't really feel like it. Trust me, it's worth it.
.
Late is the hour and I don't care. I slept as I needed. Then again I was awake late. Right now I am a little less worried about burning daylight and more worried about just not feeling too much pain, discomfort, or being discombobulated. I am having to feed on 2k Anacin in the mornings (when I wake up) to make it all work. It doesn't work perfectly even so. But it as good as I have had life in over three months. For now that is plenty good enough.
After bringing home the bits and pieces yesterday, I have mounted the cork board and magnetic board. A drill, a level (which I ended up not using), this, that, and the other thing were all brought out and the project was completed quickly, relatively. I even brought a calender out and have it set up beside the boards. Right beside me for easy use as I tinker on the computer. Little as it is, I am impressed. One of the projects even required the employment of drywall anchors. I HATE drywall anchors. Something about something, a personal pet peeve, all of which might actually cause a project to never get done. I have lots of pet peeves, like it or not. Between peevishness, anger, confusion, exhaustion, and a dozen other problems, life can be difficult. You simply have to be in an angry wasp storm with my current limitations to fully understand. Barring that, go camping on the hottest most humid day you can find, work until you are about ready to pass out from vapors, then pull out a calculus manual and teach yourself or study. That is, most literally, the world I seem to find myself in more often than not. Only perceived you say? Maybe. But I think I have had health issues that come and go, health issues that were never investigated until they became so obvious even a child could see. Bah!
It looks like it might rain today, so I honestly don't know what I can get done. A phone call or three is due. I need to check on some appointments and get them on my new information center. Oh, I also paid a new bill last night! Simple, sure. But something that often goes... unheeded. Not this one, not this time. If I am not caught up I am quite close. I keep looking at the dishes and the laundry, too. Who knows.
Well, on to a new day, another chance, and so far a rather good day. Have a great day even if it hurts just a little, even if you have to tickle the devil out of it, even if you don't really feel like it. Trust me, it's worth it.
Silly cat!
.
.
Sassy has stopped eating what I put out for her. She seemed to love it, initially. She does eat some, and drinks, and loves treats. Further, she continually begs for food in spite of having food in her bowl. I simply will not add more food until the food she has is gone. While the dry food is one flavor, the wet food has many varieties. I simply am not sure what to do with her. Sam has always been a light but sure eater, if she did initially severely overeat when she first got a taste of this newer food. She seems to have found her pace, and with splitting her food in two and feeding her those parts an half hour apart, her vomiting has diminished or possibly disappeared (for now).
I did note that neither Sam nor Sassy could eat as much as was recommended by the manufacturers. The wet food producer suggested one can per five pounds (of cat), three times a day. Huh? Neither will fully finish two cans a day, less with solid cat food thrown in. I am at about a can and a half of wet and about another can sized portion of dry and they aren't quite getting that down. I am actually going to scale back to two feedings of a half a can each cat and a quarter can sized portion of dry. I keep the bowls clean, water available, and add milk once a week (though I now cut it with water). Treats, at about three bite sized treats, are given two to three times a day (to cheers and adulation).
As well, Sassy has become afraid to go out again. She hasn't been out but maybe once this week (other than the other morning when I put her out for putting me out (of sorts)). It is almost as if she is going stir crazy and prefers that. She still has occasional nasty smelling stools but that is becoming a rarer thing, hopefully to someday fully disappear. I have kept up with their feeding and litter situation, if that has been sometimes the only thing done in a day or week. I just don't know. I really am trying to make their lives happy and as carefree as possible. I enjoy their company and believe I have a powerful responsibility to them. Even when stinky butt is a brat.
It is about bed time. I think I'll let the kids in tonight. I have been sleeping so well that their company is again a simple pleasure. They also make excellent little alarm clocks. Quick ones too, with no snooze at all. Or, I can't usually seem to hit their snooze before they are safely out of reach. I have, urhm, tried to snooze them. *evil grins* It's only worse when they tag team me. *sigh* Good night.
.
Sassy has stopped eating what I put out for her. She seemed to love it, initially. She does eat some, and drinks, and loves treats. Further, she continually begs for food in spite of having food in her bowl. I simply will not add more food until the food she has is gone. While the dry food is one flavor, the wet food has many varieties. I simply am not sure what to do with her. Sam has always been a light but sure eater, if she did initially severely overeat when she first got a taste of this newer food. She seems to have found her pace, and with splitting her food in two and feeding her those parts an half hour apart, her vomiting has diminished or possibly disappeared (for now).
I did note that neither Sam nor Sassy could eat as much as was recommended by the manufacturers. The wet food producer suggested one can per five pounds (of cat), three times a day. Huh? Neither will fully finish two cans a day, less with solid cat food thrown in. I am at about a can and a half of wet and about another can sized portion of dry and they aren't quite getting that down. I am actually going to scale back to two feedings of a half a can each cat and a quarter can sized portion of dry. I keep the bowls clean, water available, and add milk once a week (though I now cut it with water). Treats, at about three bite sized treats, are given two to three times a day (to cheers and adulation).
As well, Sassy has become afraid to go out again. She hasn't been out but maybe once this week (other than the other morning when I put her out for putting me out (of sorts)). It is almost as if she is going stir crazy and prefers that. She still has occasional nasty smelling stools but that is becoming a rarer thing, hopefully to someday fully disappear. I have kept up with their feeding and litter situation, if that has been sometimes the only thing done in a day or week. I just don't know. I really am trying to make their lives happy and as carefree as possible. I enjoy their company and believe I have a powerful responsibility to them. Even when stinky butt is a brat.
It is about bed time. I think I'll let the kids in tonight. I have been sleeping so well that their company is again a simple pleasure. They also make excellent little alarm clocks. Quick ones too, with no snooze at all. Or, I can't usually seem to hit their snooze before they are safely out of reach. I have, urhm, tried to snooze them. *evil grins* It's only worse when they tag team me. *sigh* Good night.
Monday, June 6, 2011
They fiddle while the economy burns.
.
.
And they fiddle a Weiner. Literally. The whole story is just another typical Democrat doing what Democrats do. While muslims begin creating sharia law and a new arab empire, while our supposed representatives in Washington try to figure out how to make a dollar decrease in spending for every dollar in cap be as meaningless as possible while still looking good enough to fool the average American dodo voter, and while we continue a third war in a nation we should never have invaded. The semantics of boots on the ground not withstanding. Firing cruise missiles, having planes in the air attacking national troops, and having (at least) CIA operatives on the ground (and I am almost sure seal teams), IS A WAR.
It isn't just the msm, or more, the msm has become larger. Hannity just wasted an hour of my time on Weinergate. ACE is all Weiner, all the time. How many other blogs and such have become Weinerfanboys? Too many. Does that mean they are all playing with the parties or simply following the leaders (of which all are poor or worse)? Hell yes. They have been told to follow the lead and they do so. No one could be so stupid as to follow such a foolish mess for so long. If this might lead to the expulsion of the president, sure. It can't. Those stories are buried or ridiculed by these sites and organizations.
What is sad is the man, if I dare call him that, has a wife. While she is not beaut, reminding me mostly of a braying ass when she smiles, she at least looks feminine enough to... get the job done, horse jaw aside. Then again, when you look at him, perhaps she just really isn't all that into him. The pair brings new depth to the thought of bumping uglies. Perhaps, being raised liberal, he has no idea what men are for or do. Perhaps his wife has similar issues. Working for ol' ballbuster herself, perhaps she has sexual designs other than some politically convenient man-thing. I don't know and, really, I don't care. Nothing in that mass of morass would surprise me. If it did, I really wouldn't want to know. The fact is it is unimportant. Absolutely and unequivocally without merit as news or entertainment.
I have read nothing about the continuing "debate" about what stipulations will be added to raising the debt ceiling. I know, if do not approve, that it will be raised. My guess is we will find out what is in the bill... after it is passed though not even then fully until it is audited and found that despite being assured we were cutting dollar for dollar, the Republicans, again, made a little mistake. They meant penny cut per trillion raised. Oops, their bad. Expect it, but not until it is almost too close to do a damn thing about it and don't expect bitching and moaning to work. Republicans and Democrats both want their share, and the only way to "their share" is to slice up our economy like a stuck pig because it is going down the tubes too fast to more than, if they were honest, let the swamp drain and refresh itself naturally. As is, every rep and his favorite cronies stand to lose more than any of them are willing to admit (or lose). So continued stop-gap measures will continue so that all 'of power' may try to find shelters for the wealth before the rest of us are left hungry.
I don't feel better but at least I wrote some of my mind.
.
And they fiddle a Weiner. Literally. The whole story is just another typical Democrat doing what Democrats do. While muslims begin creating sharia law and a new arab empire, while our supposed representatives in Washington try to figure out how to make a dollar decrease in spending for every dollar in cap be as meaningless as possible while still looking good enough to fool the average American dodo voter, and while we continue a third war in a nation we should never have invaded. The semantics of boots on the ground not withstanding. Firing cruise missiles, having planes in the air attacking national troops, and having (at least) CIA operatives on the ground (and I am almost sure seal teams), IS A WAR.
It isn't just the msm, or more, the msm has become larger. Hannity just wasted an hour of my time on Weinergate. ACE is all Weiner, all the time. How many other blogs and such have become Weinerfanboys? Too many. Does that mean they are all playing with the parties or simply following the leaders (of which all are poor or worse)? Hell yes. They have been told to follow the lead and they do so. No one could be so stupid as to follow such a foolish mess for so long. If this might lead to the expulsion of the president, sure. It can't. Those stories are buried or ridiculed by these sites and organizations.
What is sad is the man, if I dare call him that, has a wife. While she is not beaut, reminding me mostly of a braying ass when she smiles, she at least looks feminine enough to... get the job done, horse jaw aside. Then again, when you look at him, perhaps she just really isn't all that into him. The pair brings new depth to the thought of bumping uglies. Perhaps, being raised liberal, he has no idea what men are for or do. Perhaps his wife has similar issues. Working for ol' ballbuster herself, perhaps she has sexual designs other than some politically convenient man-thing. I don't know and, really, I don't care. Nothing in that mass of morass would surprise me. If it did, I really wouldn't want to know. The fact is it is unimportant. Absolutely and unequivocally without merit as news or entertainment.
I have read nothing about the continuing "debate" about what stipulations will be added to raising the debt ceiling. I know, if do not approve, that it will be raised. My guess is we will find out what is in the bill... after it is passed though not even then fully until it is audited and found that despite being assured we were cutting dollar for dollar, the Republicans, again, made a little mistake. They meant penny cut per trillion raised. Oops, their bad. Expect it, but not until it is almost too close to do a damn thing about it and don't expect bitching and moaning to work. Republicans and Democrats both want their share, and the only way to "their share" is to slice up our economy like a stuck pig because it is going down the tubes too fast to more than, if they were honest, let the swamp drain and refresh itself naturally. As is, every rep and his favorite cronies stand to lose more than any of them are willing to admit (or lose). So continued stop-gap measures will continue so that all 'of power' may try to find shelters for the wealth before the rest of us are left hungry.
I don't feel better but at least I wrote some of my mind.
A good day to be out.
.
.
I never did pick up sticks, though I think I will be able to do so after events of today. My friend called back and I got out. He seems to like his gift. It seems today was a lucky day for him. He received a refund, a birthday gift of money, and the last of Christmas gifts. Being a lucky day, and wishing to share, he took me out to dinner! Gratefully, I accepted his gift. Before I picked him up, I made it to the bank and put a check from another account into this one.
After the meal, and since he had a rough day with the blood infusion today, my friend simply wanted to go home. Fair enough. It was raining anyway. I had other things to do. First to Wal-Mart. I had meant to look for a magnetic or cork board. I ended up getting more. A new blade for the driver side window wiper, a good supply of wet cat food, a magnetic and cork board, large and small tacks, and more treats. As I run out of cat treats I give them out less, not being sure when I might pick up more. I think this might be why Sassy is acting up.
After that a trip to one of the local arts and crafts stores. I had looked at Wal-Mart but found nothing that would quite work. I found everything I needed save for a couple of mesh bags. Asking a worker, I was lead to some kind of wedding section. She showed me some really expensive bags, semi-transparent but rather bulky and difficult to use for my purposes. I passed on that. Ugh. On my way out I saw bags of rocks at two bags for $3. The rocks were in the PERFECT mesh bags. Done, and done. Though what to do with the rocks? Whatever. Then shopping at the grocery store. I should be set for a bit. I haven't really started to build my stocks back up, but I won't until I can figure out how to clean the place up and start fresh. I have some more easy food, some frozen meats, and a few treats in any case. On my way out of town I took my vehicle through a car wash. It needed it, and actually needs it again even so. But I feel better about having done it.
Yeah, everything and a little more. I still have to create the balance and check the bullets. I didn't get to laundry or dishes. I am still satisfied. I found during shopping that I am pretty much able to do a good deal more. Slowing down just a hair is enough to catch my breath and continue going. I was able to handle six different stops, a meal in the middle of it, and got everything on my list and a few things that have been nagging me for a while which weren't technically on the list. If it is clean and clear tomorrow I am hoping to pick up sticks and perhaps use the weed whacker. Who knows, who ever knows, what will actually be done.
Later or good night.
.
I never did pick up sticks, though I think I will be able to do so after events of today. My friend called back and I got out. He seems to like his gift. It seems today was a lucky day for him. He received a refund, a birthday gift of money, and the last of Christmas gifts. Being a lucky day, and wishing to share, he took me out to dinner! Gratefully, I accepted his gift. Before I picked him up, I made it to the bank and put a check from another account into this one.
After the meal, and since he had a rough day with the blood infusion today, my friend simply wanted to go home. Fair enough. It was raining anyway. I had other things to do. First to Wal-Mart. I had meant to look for a magnetic or cork board. I ended up getting more. A new blade for the driver side window wiper, a good supply of wet cat food, a magnetic and cork board, large and small tacks, and more treats. As I run out of cat treats I give them out less, not being sure when I might pick up more. I think this might be why Sassy is acting up.
After that a trip to one of the local arts and crafts stores. I had looked at Wal-Mart but found nothing that would quite work. I found everything I needed save for a couple of mesh bags. Asking a worker, I was lead to some kind of wedding section. She showed me some really expensive bags, semi-transparent but rather bulky and difficult to use for my purposes. I passed on that. Ugh. On my way out I saw bags of rocks at two bags for $3. The rocks were in the PERFECT mesh bags. Done, and done. Though what to do with the rocks? Whatever. Then shopping at the grocery store. I should be set for a bit. I haven't really started to build my stocks back up, but I won't until I can figure out how to clean the place up and start fresh. I have some more easy food, some frozen meats, and a few treats in any case. On my way out of town I took my vehicle through a car wash. It needed it, and actually needs it again even so. But I feel better about having done it.
Yeah, everything and a little more. I still have to create the balance and check the bullets. I didn't get to laundry or dishes. I am still satisfied. I found during shopping that I am pretty much able to do a good deal more. Slowing down just a hair is enough to catch my breath and continue going. I was able to handle six different stops, a meal in the middle of it, and got everything on my list and a few things that have been nagging me for a while which weren't technically on the list. If it is clean and clear tomorrow I am hoping to pick up sticks and perhaps use the weed whacker. Who knows, who ever knows, what will actually be done.
Later or good night.
While waiting...
.
.
Waiting for a phone call and waiting for the modified aspirin to kick in, I decided to tinker with the reloading press. What could go wrong. Besides, clarity of thought is all that would be necessary. With a bunch of primed cases, I decided some time ago to remove the decapping piece on one of the dies. This would allow me to continue using that station to size the case and fill the station in the hopes of setting the overall length more accurately in the station that seats the bullet. Then I would make sure no primers were being fed in, deal with that, and try my hand at rolling a few rounds to see if my system was set up and working properly.
Well, detaching the decapping device looks easy on paper. Knowing how to get everything apart, for certain, and doing so without damaging the parts or busting the knuckles was a whole other story. While I broke no parts, to my knowledge, I did find that my knuckles still scrape skin quite easily (if you can call that easy, how about replacing easily with surely). I did get the parts broken down, I did remove the decapper, I did get it all back together. And, after that, I did adjust the seating die to my desired depth, give or take and within tolerances noted by the manufacturer and other users.
Having done that, I went over bullets I had previously developed. All are using the same powder load. Which I again checked, rechecked, then checked over a series of ten and then occasionally checked throughout the process. I ended up making about 30 bullets. I took time to check overall length on the first ten, happy with that I ran the rest of the lot straight through. I ended up with several still too long, a few shorter than I would have liked, but most came out exactly where planned. Wanting to fill a full box, I looked over the bullets I had already rolled. Most were too long, so I ran them through. Even these came out mostly right on target, only a few being short. As is, I have my first box of 50 home rolled bullets.
With all the problems I have had, the stop and go, and the constant fussing, I almost thought to pull these apart and start over. Shooting something you yourself made for the first time is a bit spooky. I decided against this, however. I was probably more careful than a reloader has a right to be and still load while making all of these. Each case was checked for powder level, care was taken in regulating how fast I used the press bar, everything was examined multiple times. Still, I wish I had a means of weighing each bullet. The scales I have do not allow for that much mass, and they are sensitive so trying to weigh the bullets might damage at least the electronic scale. I might have to consider creating a balance of some sort. It doesn't have to be pretty, it just has to be sensitive enough for a grain of difference and functional enough to show it. A simple wood structure, with a better metal fixture, wire of a fine and good grade for leveling, and a couple of pans to somehow be attached to the wires would be enough. Steel wire, like guitar strings or art hanging wire would offer enough strength for my application. It is something I might consider when I go into town.
It looks to be clouding up. So a quick shower and picking up sticks might be something to get to before much longer. The wind is picking up as well. I love this type of weather but, probably like everyone else who is dealing with constant rain and such, I am getting weary of it. We had an 87 F degree day yesterday. Too hot! The trick is to get the snow in the mountains to melt, without too much further flooding, so as it burns down here I can get up there. Right now there is still 100% to (and closer to) 200% snow pack in much of the mountains from what I am hearing. Trapped! Bah, it works out. Later.
.
Waiting for a phone call and waiting for the modified aspirin to kick in, I decided to tinker with the reloading press. What could go wrong. Besides, clarity of thought is all that would be necessary. With a bunch of primed cases, I decided some time ago to remove the decapping piece on one of the dies. This would allow me to continue using that station to size the case and fill the station in the hopes of setting the overall length more accurately in the station that seats the bullet. Then I would make sure no primers were being fed in, deal with that, and try my hand at rolling a few rounds to see if my system was set up and working properly.
Well, detaching the decapping device looks easy on paper. Knowing how to get everything apart, for certain, and doing so without damaging the parts or busting the knuckles was a whole other story. While I broke no parts, to my knowledge, I did find that my knuckles still scrape skin quite easily (if you can call that easy, how about replacing easily with surely). I did get the parts broken down, I did remove the decapper, I did get it all back together. And, after that, I did adjust the seating die to my desired depth, give or take and within tolerances noted by the manufacturer and other users.
Having done that, I went over bullets I had previously developed. All are using the same powder load. Which I again checked, rechecked, then checked over a series of ten and then occasionally checked throughout the process. I ended up making about 30 bullets. I took time to check overall length on the first ten, happy with that I ran the rest of the lot straight through. I ended up with several still too long, a few shorter than I would have liked, but most came out exactly where planned. Wanting to fill a full box, I looked over the bullets I had already rolled. Most were too long, so I ran them through. Even these came out mostly right on target, only a few being short. As is, I have my first box of 50 home rolled bullets.
With all the problems I have had, the stop and go, and the constant fussing, I almost thought to pull these apart and start over. Shooting something you yourself made for the first time is a bit spooky. I decided against this, however. I was probably more careful than a reloader has a right to be and still load while making all of these. Each case was checked for powder level, care was taken in regulating how fast I used the press bar, everything was examined multiple times. Still, I wish I had a means of weighing each bullet. The scales I have do not allow for that much mass, and they are sensitive so trying to weigh the bullets might damage at least the electronic scale. I might have to consider creating a balance of some sort. It doesn't have to be pretty, it just has to be sensitive enough for a grain of difference and functional enough to show it. A simple wood structure, with a better metal fixture, wire of a fine and good grade for leveling, and a couple of pans to somehow be attached to the wires would be enough. Steel wire, like guitar strings or art hanging wire would offer enough strength for my application. It is something I might consider when I go into town.
It looks to be clouding up. So a quick shower and picking up sticks might be something to get to before much longer. The wind is picking up as well. I love this type of weather but, probably like everyone else who is dealing with constant rain and such, I am getting weary of it. We had an 87 F degree day yesterday. Too hot! The trick is to get the snow in the mountains to melt, without too much further flooding, so as it burns down here I can get up there. Right now there is still 100% to (and closer to) 200% snow pack in much of the mountains from what I am hearing. Trapped! Bah, it works out. Later.
Sleep does a body good.
.
.
After the huge extra dose of sleep yesterday I am doing much better today. Still, another large dose of Anacin just went down. Aspirin pared with caffeine seems to do the trick. Of course it does raise my pulse. I guess I can't have it all. Tylenol has been tried, but it only helps a bit and only when I am trying to sleep. Then again, I am not too concerned with longevity at this point, just a reasonable hope of a little less pain and some function when available. I really wasn't supposed to live this long anyway, not in a linear scientific based notion of how things work. Who knew!
Sassy has been a bit nuts lately. She is always antsy for food in the morning. I let her stew for an half hour as I wrap my bean around the world in a conscious way. Feeding her, often, is enough to settle her down. But the last few days she has become more and more of a wild child, ignoring her food when fed (both the canned and wet food), and tearing around the house, physically pouting. This morning I had about enough to last me a long time with her behavior so out the door she went. An hour out there and she was happy to be let back in, ate her food in a gobble, and settled right down. What was the problem? You would have to ask her. She is sulking, staying quiet, and avoiding popo for the moment. All good at this exact moment. Brat!
The Cabela's order came in. The final part of a gift for my friend. Technically it is the last of his Christmas present. Most of it was quite late anyway, something about what was supposed to be in stock not ending up being anywhere to be found and finally showing up quite late. I did order late but websites really should show whether something is in stock or not. I am quite sure as tight as companies keep stock that tying inventory to a web page is quite a simple task. It might be expensive but it is a one time expense. After the order was late, Cabela's said my card did not work and sort of canceled the rest of the order! I don't get that, after pouting about that whole thing for a while, I reordered... using the same card. It is here, today. Whatever. I think Cabela's, and many other places, are having more problems than I could know. I also received another stool. Now I will take both stools so that neither of us has to be jealous of the other out there sitting while the other stands. I called my friend. He was gone, to the hospital I presume, for more blood. Dang vampires! I asked him to give me a call when the doctors let him out to play.
I did manage the trash and kitty litter as a last hurrah last night. Bringing the barrel back before I head to town, picking up a peg board, more groceries, garlic (if I can find good, only found really old dry, nasty, moldy stuff in my recent attempts), kitty food, and putting a check transfer through to from that to this account should see me set for a bit. I do hope to do some cleaning before my next planned event. I have about three loads of laundry left, dishes, picking up sticks in the yard, finding out about a construction dumpster rental, and the cleaning of my bathroom are on my shorter list for this week. I am also hoping to scrub the kitty litter area after scrubbing the bathroom. Those cats aim about as well as I do, somehow (and it isn't a good aim). They are female for heaven's sake! Such simple things and yet seemingly impossible. Frustrating. When the Anacin kicks in a bit (usually takes nearly two hours, oddly), I should have an easier time with things.
Oh, by the way. In spite of rested breathing being much easier, any exertion will see slight panting (an abnormality until recently). Just hauling the dumpster to the curb left me a bit shy of breath. So, while I have improved, I am still limited. I will see how far I can push that limit though. Perhaps I can do quite a bit more, perhaps breathing will plateau flat like before only at a slightly increased level of exertion. I am hoping I have a bit of a slope to push upward through. Later.
.
After the huge extra dose of sleep yesterday I am doing much better today. Still, another large dose of Anacin just went down. Aspirin pared with caffeine seems to do the trick. Of course it does raise my pulse. I guess I can't have it all. Tylenol has been tried, but it only helps a bit and only when I am trying to sleep. Then again, I am not too concerned with longevity at this point, just a reasonable hope of a little less pain and some function when available. I really wasn't supposed to live this long anyway, not in a linear scientific based notion of how things work. Who knew!
Sassy has been a bit nuts lately. She is always antsy for food in the morning. I let her stew for an half hour as I wrap my bean around the world in a conscious way. Feeding her, often, is enough to settle her down. But the last few days she has become more and more of a wild child, ignoring her food when fed (both the canned and wet food), and tearing around the house, physically pouting. This morning I had about enough to last me a long time with her behavior so out the door she went. An hour out there and she was happy to be let back in, ate her food in a gobble, and settled right down. What was the problem? You would have to ask her. She is sulking, staying quiet, and avoiding popo for the moment. All good at this exact moment. Brat!
The Cabela's order came in. The final part of a gift for my friend. Technically it is the last of his Christmas present. Most of it was quite late anyway, something about what was supposed to be in stock not ending up being anywhere to be found and finally showing up quite late. I did order late but websites really should show whether something is in stock or not. I am quite sure as tight as companies keep stock that tying inventory to a web page is quite a simple task. It might be expensive but it is a one time expense. After the order was late, Cabela's said my card did not work and sort of canceled the rest of the order! I don't get that, after pouting about that whole thing for a while, I reordered... using the same card. It is here, today. Whatever. I think Cabela's, and many other places, are having more problems than I could know. I also received another stool. Now I will take both stools so that neither of us has to be jealous of the other out there sitting while the other stands. I called my friend. He was gone, to the hospital I presume, for more blood. Dang vampires! I asked him to give me a call when the doctors let him out to play.
I did manage the trash and kitty litter as a last hurrah last night. Bringing the barrel back before I head to town, picking up a peg board, more groceries, garlic (if I can find good, only found really old dry, nasty, moldy stuff in my recent attempts), kitty food, and putting a check transfer through to from that to this account should see me set for a bit. I do hope to do some cleaning before my next planned event. I have about three loads of laundry left, dishes, picking up sticks in the yard, finding out about a construction dumpster rental, and the cleaning of my bathroom are on my shorter list for this week. I am also hoping to scrub the kitty litter area after scrubbing the bathroom. Those cats aim about as well as I do, somehow (and it isn't a good aim). They are female for heaven's sake! Such simple things and yet seemingly impossible. Frustrating. When the Anacin kicks in a bit (usually takes nearly two hours, oddly), I should have an easier time with things.
Oh, by the way. In spite of rested breathing being much easier, any exertion will see slight panting (an abnormality until recently). Just hauling the dumpster to the curb left me a bit shy of breath. So, while I have improved, I am still limited. I will see how far I can push that limit though. Perhaps I can do quite a bit more, perhaps breathing will plateau flat like before only at a slightly increased level of exertion. I am hoping I have a bit of a slope to push upward through. Later.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Hunting a woman type.
.
.
Feeling a bit better after a nap, Anacin, medicines, and such, my mind was free to roam. Many thoughts came and went. When pain, discomfort, and other negative modifiers are tended, my mind becomes a vast machine when my body is idle. My body is idle because it has been a while since I have known comfort so I am simply enjoying some actual real downtime. No fighting fever, mostly. No headaches cramping my neck and shoulders. No nausea causing me to stiffen. Free time, idle free time, with no issues.
Women, of course, cross my mind. I am more and more certain that if I make it to some level of normalcy, health wise, I will be on the move. Hunting down a woman, a potential bride, is a planned event. So, even when ill, my mind has been collecting the pieces and bits of my experiences throughout my life. Successes and failures, the oddities, realities, and any other data from dealing with the feline homo sapiens has been collected and sifted... in the background. The theory of hunting a woman, according to Doom, has started forming. Kids, don't try this at home.
I decided to put hunting in there for a number of reasons. First, finding a mate is much different than seeking a mate. I usually found mates, for a number of reasons. Finding a mate means I have little invested in the "transaction", so any loss would be minimal. Further, finding a mate makes the grade of the mate less of an issue. A found mate is a place holder, a sought mate is an investment and carries risks, fees, and defense. To get a good mate, a mate for specific purposes, one has to hunt. So it is, hunting.
As well, I decided the notion of the hunt works. My mind had already come up with the analogy of hunting a mate being akin to hunting a bear. While hunting a bear, if you are super cautious, abundantly knowledgeable, and somewhat lucky, you can continue the hunt while the bear remains completely unaware of your pursuit. This is similar with women. However, the problem is that you may never catch the bear in time for your license to be good. That is the safe rout. That is, actually, usually how women hunt mates.
The other method involves risk. You still need the knowledge, skills, and luck, but you shorten the hunt by risking letting the bear know you are on the trail and following. The bear may well try to lose you, using speed, it's native intelligence, and tricks it has learned while dealing with other bears or hunters. If this fails, and if your approach seems imminent or escape impossible, the bear will most likely come for you... on it's chosen ground. While much more dangerous, I like the direct method better. Especially if the thing is planned and the trap is set. Barring that, nerves of steel, the ability to take big game at surprise notice, and luck will play the pivotal parts.
Yeah, aboriginal, brutal, and perilous as it is, I like the second method better. I have used it to good ends a number of times as well. I have also failed more than not I should think. But this is the only method by which a good woman, a targeted good woman, can be brought to bear. Besides, I have little time on my license as I see things, and wish to be done with it, and either successful or move on to the next target should failure occur. I am just thinking where best to put a real trophy wife. Though I think if the "trophy wife" I have in mind is the one caught, mounting in any room would probably be acceptable. Given that variety is considered the spice of life, every room will eventually be used.
Hey, well, enough with story time. I ought to begin getting the trash collected and kitty litter cleaned. I might even make it to town. Though late, I must use what functional time I can pull from wherever it will come. Who knows, in truth, what will happen or when though. Later.
.
Feeling a bit better after a nap, Anacin, medicines, and such, my mind was free to roam. Many thoughts came and went. When pain, discomfort, and other negative modifiers are tended, my mind becomes a vast machine when my body is idle. My body is idle because it has been a while since I have known comfort so I am simply enjoying some actual real downtime. No fighting fever, mostly. No headaches cramping my neck and shoulders. No nausea causing me to stiffen. Free time, idle free time, with no issues.
Women, of course, cross my mind. I am more and more certain that if I make it to some level of normalcy, health wise, I will be on the move. Hunting down a woman, a potential bride, is a planned event. So, even when ill, my mind has been collecting the pieces and bits of my experiences throughout my life. Successes and failures, the oddities, realities, and any other data from dealing with the feline homo sapiens has been collected and sifted... in the background. The theory of hunting a woman, according to Doom, has started forming. Kids, don't try this at home.
I decided to put hunting in there for a number of reasons. First, finding a mate is much different than seeking a mate. I usually found mates, for a number of reasons. Finding a mate means I have little invested in the "transaction", so any loss would be minimal. Further, finding a mate makes the grade of the mate less of an issue. A found mate is a place holder, a sought mate is an investment and carries risks, fees, and defense. To get a good mate, a mate for specific purposes, one has to hunt. So it is, hunting.
As well, I decided the notion of the hunt works. My mind had already come up with the analogy of hunting a mate being akin to hunting a bear. While hunting a bear, if you are super cautious, abundantly knowledgeable, and somewhat lucky, you can continue the hunt while the bear remains completely unaware of your pursuit. This is similar with women. However, the problem is that you may never catch the bear in time for your license to be good. That is the safe rout. That is, actually, usually how women hunt mates.
The other method involves risk. You still need the knowledge, skills, and luck, but you shorten the hunt by risking letting the bear know you are on the trail and following. The bear may well try to lose you, using speed, it's native intelligence, and tricks it has learned while dealing with other bears or hunters. If this fails, and if your approach seems imminent or escape impossible, the bear will most likely come for you... on it's chosen ground. While much more dangerous, I like the direct method better. Especially if the thing is planned and the trap is set. Barring that, nerves of steel, the ability to take big game at surprise notice, and luck will play the pivotal parts.
Yeah, aboriginal, brutal, and perilous as it is, I like the second method better. I have used it to good ends a number of times as well. I have also failed more than not I should think. But this is the only method by which a good woman, a targeted good woman, can be brought to bear. Besides, I have little time on my license as I see things, and wish to be done with it, and either successful or move on to the next target should failure occur. I am just thinking where best to put a real trophy wife. Though I think if the "trophy wife" I have in mind is the one caught, mounting in any room would probably be acceptable. Given that variety is considered the spice of life, every room will eventually be used.
Hey, well, enough with story time. I ought to begin getting the trash collected and kitty litter cleaned. I might even make it to town. Though late, I must use what functional time I can pull from wherever it will come. Who knows, in truth, what will happen or when though. Later.
What a nap.
.
.
I can't be sure how long the nap really was, I was too groggy when I finally crashed and it took a while to come to my senses when I woke up. I am guessing I slept five to seven hours though. I don't remember rolling, getting up for anything, waking for moments, nothing. A slight headache and those stomach pains, which hopefully a dose of Anacin will handle, is the only trouble. Well, that and even with the nap I am still tired. My eyes aren't "crossing" about exhaustion though.
Chicken thighs are something of a trouble to cook. I grilled them plenty, but that was not quite enough. So, I put them in the oven for a half an hour after everything was up to temp, at 375 F. That wasn't quite enough, so I put them back through the oven (that had been 375 F), raised it to 425, and left them for another half hour. What in the world! Sometimes I can get thighs just right, sometimes I have to fiddle with them several times. At least this time, in my fiddling, I didn't make them rubbery. I truly hate that. Ah well, it gives me something to tinker with.
All medicine for the day has been taken. The only tasks I really need to tend are collecting trash and taking it to the curb after also cleaning the kitty litter. I doubt if much more will be done. Headache, exhaustion, confusion, general illness, and some other things generally are back, shifting in intensity, and confound intent. I have no appointments until Wednesday, then another Thursday, then nothing again until the following week. I have many things I want and need to do though. We will see. Later or good night.
.
I can't be sure how long the nap really was, I was too groggy when I finally crashed and it took a while to come to my senses when I woke up. I am guessing I slept five to seven hours though. I don't remember rolling, getting up for anything, waking for moments, nothing. A slight headache and those stomach pains, which hopefully a dose of Anacin will handle, is the only trouble. Well, that and even with the nap I am still tired. My eyes aren't "crossing" about exhaustion though.
Chicken thighs are something of a trouble to cook. I grilled them plenty, but that was not quite enough. So, I put them in the oven for a half an hour after everything was up to temp, at 375 F. That wasn't quite enough, so I put them back through the oven (that had been 375 F), raised it to 425, and left them for another half hour. What in the world! Sometimes I can get thighs just right, sometimes I have to fiddle with them several times. At least this time, in my fiddling, I didn't make them rubbery. I truly hate that. Ah well, it gives me something to tinker with.
All medicine for the day has been taken. The only tasks I really need to tend are collecting trash and taking it to the curb after also cleaning the kitty litter. I doubt if much more will be done. Headache, exhaustion, confusion, general illness, and some other things generally are back, shifting in intensity, and confound intent. I have no appointments until Wednesday, then another Thursday, then nothing again until the following week. I have many things I want and need to do though. We will see. Later or good night.
Speculation.
.
.
At some point, with enough problems showing up, knowing what any particular symptom is caused by is merely a guess. I am not sure if my exhaustion is from overdoing, from the medicine, from the illness, from recovery in having a lower pulse, or from consuming less caffeine as my ability to drink soda has shrunk due to the volume of expansion caused by soda. The flu-like waves of symptoms, too, really do not have a particular issue as the source. While my breathing is good, excellent actually, my lungs are now sore. When I breathe deeply they feel as if they were bruised. The pain is rather mild, sort of like the remnants of a pulled muscle from a week ago. Just a twinge. And my upper abdomen (but below the ribs) is beginning to hurt again. Small sharp pains on equal and opposite sides of my the soft upper part of my torso, pain that has come and gone for years now. The worst part is the exhaustion. It makes it difficult to think, plan, act.
I think a nap, again, today. I have at least slept a little longer most of the last few days and often napped as well. I just can't get enough sleep. Being cross-eyed tired all days makes action impossible. And yet napping and extra sleep can leave me even more exhausted at worst or only slightly less likely to get armchair whiplash at best. How do you struggle with being constantly ready for bed? Sleep doesn't work, caffeine is difficult to consume. Making coffee might work but with the kitchen in disrepair that is unlikely and would be difficult to sustain.
A nap, again, I think. Some rest. Perhaps later I might be able to do even a few chores, tasks, or... anything. Even loading a couple of boxes of ammunition would be pleasurable if not completely useful in a standard way. Later.
.
At some point, with enough problems showing up, knowing what any particular symptom is caused by is merely a guess. I am not sure if my exhaustion is from overdoing, from the medicine, from the illness, from recovery in having a lower pulse, or from consuming less caffeine as my ability to drink soda has shrunk due to the volume of expansion caused by soda. The flu-like waves of symptoms, too, really do not have a particular issue as the source. While my breathing is good, excellent actually, my lungs are now sore. When I breathe deeply they feel as if they were bruised. The pain is rather mild, sort of like the remnants of a pulled muscle from a week ago. Just a twinge. And my upper abdomen (but below the ribs) is beginning to hurt again. Small sharp pains on equal and opposite sides of my the soft upper part of my torso, pain that has come and gone for years now. The worst part is the exhaustion. It makes it difficult to think, plan, act.
I think a nap, again, today. I have at least slept a little longer most of the last few days and often napped as well. I just can't get enough sleep. Being cross-eyed tired all days makes action impossible. And yet napping and extra sleep can leave me even more exhausted at worst or only slightly less likely to get armchair whiplash at best. How do you struggle with being constantly ready for bed? Sleep doesn't work, caffeine is difficult to consume. Making coffee might work but with the kitchen in disrepair that is unlikely and would be difficult to sustain.
A nap, again, I think. Some rest. Perhaps later I might be able to do even a few chores, tasks, or... anything. Even loading a couple of boxes of ammunition would be pleasurable if not completely useful in a standard way. Later.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Son of a gun.
.
.
A rough one. Breathing is good, but those waves of illness are back, along with pretty severe exhaustion. Flying low and slow should see me awake for a good part of the day but nothing else will be done. It has definitely been worse. Having a few days of feeling good and getting a few things done was a fantastic break though. I can handle more suffering until my next shot at health, or death.
I will continue to make plans, each day. I may not get a single thing done or I might break out in a moment and get on track. If I can keep the food, fluid, and medicine rolling, I should do fine for a bit. Eating and drinking past nausea and fever is tricky but at least my ribs don't hurt more after eating or drinking. I have been checking my blood pressure. While it is anywhere from 160-180/120-140, my pulse has dropped into the low to mid 90's. I think that was what they really wanted, wanted first, or something. That alone might be what is causing problems. Changing my stats changes other things.
I do need to get to the store soon though. While I have plenty of dry cat food, I am running low on canned. I am sure they can live on dry. It is certainly easier to feed only dry. But I am trying to feed them according to the best advice I have read so far. Sassy is really getting tired of the additive, the cat yogurt. But her bowel movements have not been so odoriferous lately. I would love to give her a break from the stuff but I almost fear to have to go through another month if I don't feed her through, solidly, on this stuff. I'll think on it. I know how nasty medicine is, regardless of how good for you anyone says it is.
Later, maybe good night.
.
A rough one. Breathing is good, but those waves of illness are back, along with pretty severe exhaustion. Flying low and slow should see me awake for a good part of the day but nothing else will be done. It has definitely been worse. Having a few days of feeling good and getting a few things done was a fantastic break though. I can handle more suffering until my next shot at health, or death.
I will continue to make plans, each day. I may not get a single thing done or I might break out in a moment and get on track. If I can keep the food, fluid, and medicine rolling, I should do fine for a bit. Eating and drinking past nausea and fever is tricky but at least my ribs don't hurt more after eating or drinking. I have been checking my blood pressure. While it is anywhere from 160-180/120-140, my pulse has dropped into the low to mid 90's. I think that was what they really wanted, wanted first, or something. That alone might be what is causing problems. Changing my stats changes other things.
I do need to get to the store soon though. While I have plenty of dry cat food, I am running low on canned. I am sure they can live on dry. It is certainly easier to feed only dry. But I am trying to feed them according to the best advice I have read so far. Sassy is really getting tired of the additive, the cat yogurt. But her bowel movements have not been so odoriferous lately. I would love to give her a break from the stuff but I almost fear to have to go through another month if I don't feed her through, solidly, on this stuff. I'll think on it. I know how nasty medicine is, regardless of how good for you anyone says it is.
Later, maybe good night.
Not exactly the splitting of the sea.
.
.
But I didn't have a neat staff, a bunch of malcontents and an attacking army at my back, or even a sea in front of me. But I did cook last night. And I ate some fresh hot food and have a nice little stock of leftovers to carry me a few more days. Everything, at this point, is short term. I would like to do more but there isn't enough to do much more with. I am hoping this will improve as I push the edges where and how I can.
A few things today, if I can. Picking up sticks in the yard sounds like a plan. Maybe a load of laundry, maybe even two. A trip to town to do a bit more shopping and to pick up a peg-board. That is it. Well, on top of keeping the medicine going, along with a bit of drink and food. I am just learning to balance... everything. So much is new. Not balancing means severe strictures and pain, perhaps death. Remembering everything, staying ahead of my physical needs since I am not aware of them, and doing a bit more... it's tricky for me. I simply put wool socks on and added sweat bottoms rather than normal pants of some sort this morning, and probably wisely. I can, now, feel the cold in my feet and legs. I probably would not have noticed otherwise.
Hmm, if I go to town, I might stop to see my friend. I might even grab a couple of sandwiches from a shop we both really like. Bring cheer, all are somewhat happy. Bring food, cheer shows up even better. He is thin enough that they are going to be putting him on food stamps. I think, in Utah, that is saying something. Not that Utah is cheap, only that it reserves it's resources (minus the cities of course) for those with real need. He didn't apply, the medical system did. Yep, a bit of food and a visit. Nothing fancy but it means a lot when one is even temporarily homebound. He would do the same if he had a vehicle, if that isn't the point. I need to move more slowly, but I need more surely to move if I can.
A bit more waking and then off to a new day. Have a great day.
.
But I didn't have a neat staff, a bunch of malcontents and an attacking army at my back, or even a sea in front of me. But I did cook last night. And I ate some fresh hot food and have a nice little stock of leftovers to carry me a few more days. Everything, at this point, is short term. I would like to do more but there isn't enough to do much more with. I am hoping this will improve as I push the edges where and how I can.
A few things today, if I can. Picking up sticks in the yard sounds like a plan. Maybe a load of laundry, maybe even two. A trip to town to do a bit more shopping and to pick up a peg-board. That is it. Well, on top of keeping the medicine going, along with a bit of drink and food. I am just learning to balance... everything. So much is new. Not balancing means severe strictures and pain, perhaps death. Remembering everything, staying ahead of my physical needs since I am not aware of them, and doing a bit more... it's tricky for me. I simply put wool socks on and added sweat bottoms rather than normal pants of some sort this morning, and probably wisely. I can, now, feel the cold in my feet and legs. I probably would not have noticed otherwise.
Hmm, if I go to town, I might stop to see my friend. I might even grab a couple of sandwiches from a shop we both really like. Bring cheer, all are somewhat happy. Bring food, cheer shows up even better. He is thin enough that they are going to be putting him on food stamps. I think, in Utah, that is saying something. Not that Utah is cheap, only that it reserves it's resources (minus the cities of course) for those with real need. He didn't apply, the medical system did. Yep, a bit of food and a visit. Nothing fancy but it means a lot when one is even temporarily homebound. He would do the same if he had a vehicle, if that isn't the point. I need to move more slowly, but I need more surely to move if I can.
A bit more waking and then off to a new day. Have a great day.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Various thoughts of late.
.
.
In a recent conversation, the idea of yin and yang came up. The notion that there is universal balance between good and evil, man and woman, life and death, and whatever else. After a few moments, I had to suggest that a notion of balance along such lines was not possible. Nor, probably, something to be sought. In the West we are seeing the ills of trying to have women raised to the level of equality. The laws created to produce such an abomination has broken the family, disrupted business, and left men, women, and children in a disheveled ghoul of a society. In muslim nations, we see the ills of the opposite. However, the truth is honored roles rather than some arbitrary understanding of some impossible equality is the way to go. Boring, I am sure. Static, of course. And when done correctly, rather unyielding. History, physiology, faith, and many other indicators all point to the obvious. There is no equality therefore balance can't be found in it. We live in unwise times, though, and of course.
Another notion to come up was the idea that God was perfectly good and Satan is God's equal opposite. This too is a mistake. There is no such thing as "perfect evil". It bothers me that any who profess to believe in God, Christ, and the Holy spirit might stray this way. Perhaps most people do not spend all that much time thinking of such things? Perhaps it is tasked to those who see to point out the little things others miss? I miss many things and have to busily research here and there, read this and that, and listen (when I can). Then again, having been an adherent of Zen for a short time, maybe these things cross my mind more often.
I was watching a show about pornography addiction. I remember going through that myself, so was curious. I have been cured, out and out, and yet I wanted to see what other men go through and what steps are available, how others find health, and such things. I remember my cure. It did not come from constant therapy, clerical intervention, or anything long term. I had prayed to God about some doubts about my then woman. I all but heard "Look to the log in your own eye"! Startled, I knew immediately what was meant. It took two tries, that first shock and then later after viewing porn again (once), a remembering of the "voice". At the time I felt great shame and I felt quite alone. I found myself alone in my sin. I had some anger and hurt feelings but I couldn't quite direct those at God. I realized, after a time, that my feelings were about not getting to do what I wanted to do. But too, I saw why not. After hearing how much work other men must go through to find health in this issue, I realize now how lucky I am. I feel privileged in some way. Why me and not others? I'll take it, whatever the reason. And I will pray for those who do not have it as easy.
My friend called. He needed three units of blood, he got two today and will get another Monday. Three units? That's half of his blood level. I have seen him needing more. It always amazes me. At least this time they simply added the iron to the blood so he isn't having to go in for those injections as well. It took them six hours to get the blood and saline in. We can commiserate a bit. Different problems, sometimes similar symptoms, very different treatments. Both of us, for all intents and purposes, should be dead and have learned to stretch even that to new levels. Both of us have problems taking the prescribed medicine. He is more cheery about it all though, I have to admit. The silver lining is that pessimism is all mine!
I am hoping to cook tonight. I can't swear it will be done, but I... think... I... can. I want to cook, very much, as well. Fresh hot food sounds good after days of mostly cold and reheated leftovers. A quick grilling would see me into more brots and chicken thighs. A few fresh and warm, a bit for leftovers. Just bits and pieces, but I am beginning to eat a bit more regularly. A half dozen baby carrots and peanut butter or ranch dressing here, an apple there, a brot or two now. I simply can't get fancy.
Anyway, good night.
.
In a recent conversation, the idea of yin and yang came up. The notion that there is universal balance between good and evil, man and woman, life and death, and whatever else. After a few moments, I had to suggest that a notion of balance along such lines was not possible. Nor, probably, something to be sought. In the West we are seeing the ills of trying to have women raised to the level of equality. The laws created to produce such an abomination has broken the family, disrupted business, and left men, women, and children in a disheveled ghoul of a society. In muslim nations, we see the ills of the opposite. However, the truth is honored roles rather than some arbitrary understanding of some impossible equality is the way to go. Boring, I am sure. Static, of course. And when done correctly, rather unyielding. History, physiology, faith, and many other indicators all point to the obvious. There is no equality therefore balance can't be found in it. We live in unwise times, though, and of course.
Another notion to come up was the idea that God was perfectly good and Satan is God's equal opposite. This too is a mistake. There is no such thing as "perfect evil". It bothers me that any who profess to believe in God, Christ, and the Holy spirit might stray this way. Perhaps most people do not spend all that much time thinking of such things? Perhaps it is tasked to those who see to point out the little things others miss? I miss many things and have to busily research here and there, read this and that, and listen (when I can). Then again, having been an adherent of Zen for a short time, maybe these things cross my mind more often.
I was watching a show about pornography addiction. I remember going through that myself, so was curious. I have been cured, out and out, and yet I wanted to see what other men go through and what steps are available, how others find health, and such things. I remember my cure. It did not come from constant therapy, clerical intervention, or anything long term. I had prayed to God about some doubts about my then woman. I all but heard "Look to the log in your own eye"! Startled, I knew immediately what was meant. It took two tries, that first shock and then later after viewing porn again (once), a remembering of the "voice". At the time I felt great shame and I felt quite alone. I found myself alone in my sin. I had some anger and hurt feelings but I couldn't quite direct those at God. I realized, after a time, that my feelings were about not getting to do what I wanted to do. But too, I saw why not. After hearing how much work other men must go through to find health in this issue, I realize now how lucky I am. I feel privileged in some way. Why me and not others? I'll take it, whatever the reason. And I will pray for those who do not have it as easy.
My friend called. He needed three units of blood, he got two today and will get another Monday. Three units? That's half of his blood level. I have seen him needing more. It always amazes me. At least this time they simply added the iron to the blood so he isn't having to go in for those injections as well. It took them six hours to get the blood and saline in. We can commiserate a bit. Different problems, sometimes similar symptoms, very different treatments. Both of us, for all intents and purposes, should be dead and have learned to stretch even that to new levels. Both of us have problems taking the prescribed medicine. He is more cheery about it all though, I have to admit. The silver lining is that pessimism is all mine!
I am hoping to cook tonight. I can't swear it will be done, but I... think... I... can. I want to cook, very much, as well. Fresh hot food sounds good after days of mostly cold and reheated leftovers. A quick grilling would see me into more brots and chicken thighs. A few fresh and warm, a bit for leftovers. Just bits and pieces, but I am beginning to eat a bit more regularly. A half dozen baby carrots and peanut butter or ranch dressing here, an apple there, a brot or two now. I simply can't get fancy.
Anyway, good night.
Grump.
.
.
No, no, feeling pretty good. Really. I almost am beginning to think I am indeed human and not just a clump of activated pain receptors with little else in the way substance. I have been able to sleep, and take a nap this afternoon. The pusses get attention and are loving it. I can function fairly well, tying my shoes doesn't cause heartburn as my stomach and lungs aren't full to busting. In that way, life remains good. What isn't good is I ran out of... something.
While I called about a business situation today, I have been unable to do more. At least so far. I keep trying to get to more, and will have some hope until I flick the light off and crawl back into bed for the night. Perhaps I have pushed beyond my capacity in the last few days. Though I think the problem is that it turned cold and I did not respond to that well enough.
Thinking about that, I realize I do not respond well to signals I must only assume my body does send to my brain. Hunger, thirst, temperature issues, all these and more are something most people deal with. I simply do not consciously receive those messages of distress until I am suffering. As is, I eat occasionally because food is there. I drink because of a fear of exaggerated dehydration from recent events and medications. I didn't realize I was cold until after struggling to stay awake until this afternoon and crawling into bed for a nap I realized how nice the warmth of a blanket really was. Dissociation, probably, robs me of an ability to typically respond, or even notice, needs.
Wanting to get things done, I am going to have to consciously be aware of my needs. I am not precisely sure how to test for need though. I suppose it is something I will have to figure out along the way. Of course overdoing things is another side issue. Knowing which is the cause might help, but being able to be aware of neither is the problem. Still, another day of easier breathing, less buildup of fluids, and simple living is good enough. And I have a bit of a plan to deal with the rest of it.
In spite of my difficulties, even in the worst of my sleeping and breathing problems, and perhaps oddly to many, I continued to pray. Not for recovery, or a miracle cure, or anything like that. I was, in spite of it all, still quite grateful for what I have had and what I still have. I don't need much. I don't even need to be pain free, or be able to breathe easily, if those do make other things more pleasant. I remain thankful.
Have a great day.
.
No, no, feeling pretty good. Really. I almost am beginning to think I am indeed human and not just a clump of activated pain receptors with little else in the way substance. I have been able to sleep, and take a nap this afternoon. The pusses get attention and are loving it. I can function fairly well, tying my shoes doesn't cause heartburn as my stomach and lungs aren't full to busting. In that way, life remains good. What isn't good is I ran out of... something.
While I called about a business situation today, I have been unable to do more. At least so far. I keep trying to get to more, and will have some hope until I flick the light off and crawl back into bed for the night. Perhaps I have pushed beyond my capacity in the last few days. Though I think the problem is that it turned cold and I did not respond to that well enough.
Thinking about that, I realize I do not respond well to signals I must only assume my body does send to my brain. Hunger, thirst, temperature issues, all these and more are something most people deal with. I simply do not consciously receive those messages of distress until I am suffering. As is, I eat occasionally because food is there. I drink because of a fear of exaggerated dehydration from recent events and medications. I didn't realize I was cold until after struggling to stay awake until this afternoon and crawling into bed for a nap I realized how nice the warmth of a blanket really was. Dissociation, probably, robs me of an ability to typically respond, or even notice, needs.
Wanting to get things done, I am going to have to consciously be aware of my needs. I am not precisely sure how to test for need though. I suppose it is something I will have to figure out along the way. Of course overdoing things is another side issue. Knowing which is the cause might help, but being able to be aware of neither is the problem. Still, another day of easier breathing, less buildup of fluids, and simple living is good enough. And I have a bit of a plan to deal with the rest of it.
In spite of my difficulties, even in the worst of my sleeping and breathing problems, and perhaps oddly to many, I continued to pray. Not for recovery, or a miracle cure, or anything like that. I was, in spite of it all, still quite grateful for what I have had and what I still have. I don't need much. I don't even need to be pain free, or be able to breathe easily, if those do make other things more pleasant. I remain thankful.
Have a great day.
Good sleep, a little extra of it, and ready to go.
.
.
My only problem with sleep, last night, was that as I was trying to stay up long enough to void twice. In my exhaustion from a full day I forgot why I was staying up even after I passed enough water to float a boat. All I could remember was that there was some reason for me to try and stay awake a little longer. Like a kid staying up way past his bed time to see a Godzilla flick or something, I sat watching the stupid-tube, nodding, head leaning somethings, until I finally realized I could go to bed.
I am sleeping well enough that I decided to let the girls sleep with me last night. I don't do that every night, just a time or two a week. Last night was the night. I don't really, unless I have an appointment, need an alarm clock. The girls wake me about seven to nine hours after I go to bed. Something about FOOD! If I think I can get another hour or two of sleep, and actually think I need it, I will scoot the girls out and try to do a bit more pillow face planting. I got a bit more sleep today. I figure, if all goes this well over the weekend, I might be caught up on sleep, fluids, and energy by Monday. And thankfully, actually. I hate that extra hour or two of sleep. But it does seem to be helping in a number of areas. What that really means I can't be sure. I haven't been this well in... I'll get back to you on that. Like I said though, a perfect storm.
I am still not top dog. My limits include some of the new limits. Breathing is not a free enterprise. Picking up branches and maybe trimming the weeds will be a major physical effort. I haven't been able to stretch much beyond a fairly limited bubble. I can move slower, or do more quickly, but at some pretty solid point my body stuffs me into a chair without air. If I further fight beyond that, my downtime can become large. This has nothing to do with will. If I could expand that, or even had enough for four hours of reasonable work, I would be helping with the sandbagging. As is I would only be in the way. Perhaps I can expand that bubble. It will take a long time, more time then replacing sleep and water. I have been truly lung sick for over three months and problematic for years now. Weights might help, same with walking and a bicycle. Or they may not.
So much needs to be done, and all of it takes longer than expected. While washing and drying clothes takes only an hour or so for each process, sorting, folding, and tending the clothes must be added. As well, collecting them, sorting them by color and material, all takes even more time. Dishes are straight forward but some things will need to be soaked. Picking up means decision making, a personal weakness regardless of my physical state. And lots of odds and ends tasks and chores and such remain. I am thinking of getting a cork board for here beside my machine, to help me track things. Bringing a calender, adding in the post-it notes, and putting my appointments and plans on the calender and in my phone might help.
Today is about doing a few more loads of laundry, at least a load of dishes, maybe vacuuming, some business which will require a drive to town (and a good time to pick up a cork board and thumb type tacks), some cooking on the grill, and maybe picking up sticks. If I have time, I may take my hatchet out, and a stool, and begin working on the sticks to produce bundles of firewood (and if my finances look good, a time to order a StoveTec wood burning stove). I don't know what will actually get done. Spending money, for one thing, is always spooky. Especially with the vet, possible travel for others, and some other things on my mind. Ah well, I will do what I can.
Concentration seems to be back, better than ever actually and for now. The only thing that throws me is how long it really takes to get to any project, to finish various tasks, and then staying on track in spite of "lost time" due to project overruns. Food and water consumption does help. The medicines are helping with fluid buildup, thus breathing and pain mitigation. And I do have a native will to get in and do things if I see reasonable way to success, believe it to be affordable, and think I know enough to finish. I don't want to start multi-day or week long projects just yet. I don't trust myself to more than a bit of a future projection of potential at this time, not yet. Why rip up flooring, assuming I could afford to do so, knowing it might remain unfinished for weeks? Yeah, working on that.
Have a good day!
.
My only problem with sleep, last night, was that as I was trying to stay up long enough to void twice. In my exhaustion from a full day I forgot why I was staying up even after I passed enough water to float a boat. All I could remember was that there was some reason for me to try and stay awake a little longer. Like a kid staying up way past his bed time to see a Godzilla flick or something, I sat watching the stupid-tube, nodding, head leaning somethings, until I finally realized I could go to bed.
I am sleeping well enough that I decided to let the girls sleep with me last night. I don't do that every night, just a time or two a week. Last night was the night. I don't really, unless I have an appointment, need an alarm clock. The girls wake me about seven to nine hours after I go to bed. Something about FOOD! If I think I can get another hour or two of sleep, and actually think I need it, I will scoot the girls out and try to do a bit more pillow face planting. I got a bit more sleep today. I figure, if all goes this well over the weekend, I might be caught up on sleep, fluids, and energy by Monday. And thankfully, actually. I hate that extra hour or two of sleep. But it does seem to be helping in a number of areas. What that really means I can't be sure. I haven't been this well in... I'll get back to you on that. Like I said though, a perfect storm.
I am still not top dog. My limits include some of the new limits. Breathing is not a free enterprise. Picking up branches and maybe trimming the weeds will be a major physical effort. I haven't been able to stretch much beyond a fairly limited bubble. I can move slower, or do more quickly, but at some pretty solid point my body stuffs me into a chair without air. If I further fight beyond that, my downtime can become large. This has nothing to do with will. If I could expand that, or even had enough for four hours of reasonable work, I would be helping with the sandbagging. As is I would only be in the way. Perhaps I can expand that bubble. It will take a long time, more time then replacing sleep and water. I have been truly lung sick for over three months and problematic for years now. Weights might help, same with walking and a bicycle. Or they may not.
So much needs to be done, and all of it takes longer than expected. While washing and drying clothes takes only an hour or so for each process, sorting, folding, and tending the clothes must be added. As well, collecting them, sorting them by color and material, all takes even more time. Dishes are straight forward but some things will need to be soaked. Picking up means decision making, a personal weakness regardless of my physical state. And lots of odds and ends tasks and chores and such remain. I am thinking of getting a cork board for here beside my machine, to help me track things. Bringing a calender, adding in the post-it notes, and putting my appointments and plans on the calender and in my phone might help.
Today is about doing a few more loads of laundry, at least a load of dishes, maybe vacuuming, some business which will require a drive to town (and a good time to pick up a cork board and thumb type tacks), some cooking on the grill, and maybe picking up sticks. If I have time, I may take my hatchet out, and a stool, and begin working on the sticks to produce bundles of firewood (and if my finances look good, a time to order a StoveTec wood burning stove). I don't know what will actually get done. Spending money, for one thing, is always spooky. Especially with the vet, possible travel for others, and some other things on my mind. Ah well, I will do what I can.
Concentration seems to be back, better than ever actually and for now. The only thing that throws me is how long it really takes to get to any project, to finish various tasks, and then staying on track in spite of "lost time" due to project overruns. Food and water consumption does help. The medicines are helping with fluid buildup, thus breathing and pain mitigation. And I do have a native will to get in and do things if I see reasonable way to success, believe it to be affordable, and think I know enough to finish. I don't want to start multi-day or week long projects just yet. I don't trust myself to more than a bit of a future projection of potential at this time, not yet. Why rip up flooring, assuming I could afford to do so, knowing it might remain unfinished for weeks? Yeah, working on that.
Have a good day!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Not bad.
.
.
I finished another load of laundry, cleaned the cat food dishes, and tinkered on various things before heading to the appointment. I called my friend in there somewhere. He wasn't sure he wanted to go shooting, but maybe something. While getting the wool fluff out of my socks, I missed my appointment technically. I would be running up to an half hour late. I called and they said they could still fit me in.
Sam ended up being a bit pricier, and I hear they want Sassy back in. With no history on Sam, they started from the start. Yearly shots are about $100, but first time shots are a series of shots before they get to yearly boosters. And they did an cat aids, heartworm, and tb (maybe) test. All told, so far, Sam cost $150 or so. And she has to go in for two more in the series in three weeks at $85, then a final singular booster after that at $45. Plus, they want Sassy to be tested, then immunized for cat aids, which will be $60 for the test, then 3 x $45 for the immunization if she doesn't have it. Eventually they need a slew of monthly preventative medicines, which will end up being about $80 per year per cat. As well, I would eventually like to have them chipped. If they were feed animals, no. But being pets, that's a different can of worms. Tagging is about $40 per cat. I guess the chronograph will simply have to wait. As will all testing and shots. I need to stretch these out a bit.
After that, I picked up my friend and it looked good enough that shooting seemed reasonable. On the way I dropped Sam at home and picked up my .22 rifle. I put sixty to seventy downrange and he shot his .380 a bit as well. Even with the serious breeze, we shot pretty well. After that we stopped at a sporting goods store to look for a few things. Neither of us found much. I did see something I might end up buying, braided semi-static climbing rope. What I have is twisted. While twisted rope is fine for rappelling and a few other things, it can be treacherous for tree climbing, causing one to possibly spin on the rope without a surface to connect.
My friend is not really into fancy, exotic, or foreign cuisine. Steak and potatoes, thank you very much, is his general design. However, I wanted to try an Indian restaurant. I offered to pay his way if he would agree to go with. Well, he did give me gas money and has always paid his way save for few rarities and then he doesn't really like it. Still, he took the bait. I had lamb saag (or something). He had it in chicken form. I also ordered some onionized flat bread and a side dish. I really liked my dinner, and if he was not just being nice, he said he liked his chow. After that I went to the store and bought a few easy treats, some nuts, vegetables, a couple of meats to be grilled tomorrow, and some condiments that were on a serious sale. I also picked up some super size post-its, to try and keep track of appointments, business tasks, and general scheduled events I would like to begin adding in (if health holds).
Not bad for having walked out of the tomb yesterday. My breathing did take a hit near the end, as exhaustion (and a reasonable one in this case) began to set in. I will take my late afternoon pills a bit late but no harm no foul if I stay up at least long enough to void a couple of times. Washing the apples and pears and seeing to what is in the dryer should see me finish the day in the winner's circle.
I wonder what I can get to tomorrow? I have some business I would like to attend, some more chores to finish up, and perhaps even another trip into town. There is so much to do, all of it takes a lot of time. I know I will wear out sooner or later. Until I do, I will keep going. Good night.
.
I finished another load of laundry, cleaned the cat food dishes, and tinkered on various things before heading to the appointment. I called my friend in there somewhere. He wasn't sure he wanted to go shooting, but maybe something. While getting the wool fluff out of my socks, I missed my appointment technically. I would be running up to an half hour late. I called and they said they could still fit me in.
Sam ended up being a bit pricier, and I hear they want Sassy back in. With no history on Sam, they started from the start. Yearly shots are about $100, but first time shots are a series of shots before they get to yearly boosters. And they did an cat aids, heartworm, and tb (maybe) test. All told, so far, Sam cost $150 or so. And she has to go in for two more in the series in three weeks at $85, then a final singular booster after that at $45. Plus, they want Sassy to be tested, then immunized for cat aids, which will be $60 for the test, then 3 x $45 for the immunization if she doesn't have it. Eventually they need a slew of monthly preventative medicines, which will end up being about $80 per year per cat. As well, I would eventually like to have them chipped. If they were feed animals, no. But being pets, that's a different can of worms. Tagging is about $40 per cat. I guess the chronograph will simply have to wait. As will all testing and shots. I need to stretch these out a bit.
After that, I picked up my friend and it looked good enough that shooting seemed reasonable. On the way I dropped Sam at home and picked up my .22 rifle. I put sixty to seventy downrange and he shot his .380 a bit as well. Even with the serious breeze, we shot pretty well. After that we stopped at a sporting goods store to look for a few things. Neither of us found much. I did see something I might end up buying, braided semi-static climbing rope. What I have is twisted. While twisted rope is fine for rappelling and a few other things, it can be treacherous for tree climbing, causing one to possibly spin on the rope without a surface to connect.
My friend is not really into fancy, exotic, or foreign cuisine. Steak and potatoes, thank you very much, is his general design. However, I wanted to try an Indian restaurant. I offered to pay his way if he would agree to go with. Well, he did give me gas money and has always paid his way save for few rarities and then he doesn't really like it. Still, he took the bait. I had lamb saag (or something). He had it in chicken form. I also ordered some onionized flat bread and a side dish. I really liked my dinner, and if he was not just being nice, he said he liked his chow. After that I went to the store and bought a few easy treats, some nuts, vegetables, a couple of meats to be grilled tomorrow, and some condiments that were on a serious sale. I also picked up some super size post-its, to try and keep track of appointments, business tasks, and general scheduled events I would like to begin adding in (if health holds).
Not bad for having walked out of the tomb yesterday. My breathing did take a hit near the end, as exhaustion (and a reasonable one in this case) began to set in. I will take my late afternoon pills a bit late but no harm no foul if I stay up at least long enough to void a couple of times. Washing the apples and pears and seeing to what is in the dryer should see me finish the day in the winner's circle.
I wonder what I can get to tomorrow? I have some business I would like to attend, some more chores to finish up, and perhaps even another trip into town. There is so much to do, all of it takes a lot of time. I know I will wear out sooner or later. Until I do, I will keep going. Good night.
It can be so easy.
.
.
From thinking to doing, when things are just right, it just happens. I am washing my socks. I like wool socks, and wear them almost always. I even found the special soap for woolens. I have several other loads ready to be washed. I was going to get to the dishes, but realized the cat food dishes needed cleaned first and I was getting ready to need a break. So instead I started soaking the cat food bowls. A couple of other odds and ends have been tended, thoughtlessly, in the process. Picking a few things up here, collecting things there, just... doing. It really is easy and light when I can breathe, think, remember. No pushing involved today at all.
A call to my friend shortly, a call to check on some business, a check to the bank to make sure I have enough, and maybe some shopping before I return home. When I get days like these, I use them until they are gone. I have had a wave or two of the dread malaise and flu like symptoms, but they have been both light and passed quickly. I was actually able to work on through one of them. One forced me to sit in the chair of woe for a bit, but only shortly. I still run out of breathe, but if I move a little slower at that point I can continue for a while.
Not everything is easy. I will have to push to get ready and go. It seems leaving my home, something like leaving the planet for a rocket ship, takes a lot more energy then simply flying. I suppose it is because leaving requires a shower and grooming, dressing and choosing the clothes in the first place, finding and putting on shoes, then getting my vehicle started, out of the garage, and closing that back up, as well as some other things. It is a huge outlay of resources of which I can never be sure I have. I am so used to... reserving energy, planning every move, that spending that much at one time is sort of spooky. Then I will have to deal with people. We live in a rude world, a harsh world. There is kindness, civility, and mannered interaction out there, but it is more like a blooming rose in the wild... rarity rather than surety.
But, so be it. Today is the day to get some things done. I will do all that I can reasonably do and maybe a bit more. The weekend is coming up, if I need to I can rest then. If not, perhaps I can get to the yard, or even part of it. If I can pick up fallen limbs, I will start with that. If I can do more, I might try using the weed whacker to do the edges. If I can go further, I may begin to mow the lawn in sections.
I am glad, when the missionaries came, I asked them to help me set up my weight bench the next time they arrive. I was thinking that might be a foolish hope, but I think it might be a good plan now. If I can only lift a few light sets a week, so be it. If I can get to three times a week I will be ecstatic. A bit of that might lead to walks, hikes out to the dam. Even walking half way and back, or a quarter of the way and back, would be something. Darn it, if I am going to die I would like to look as good as I can. If I am not going to die, then I better get to getting off my butt. I'm not sure how my butt feels about it. Then again I am not known for sensitivities. :p Later.
.
From thinking to doing, when things are just right, it just happens. I am washing my socks. I like wool socks, and wear them almost always. I even found the special soap for woolens. I have several other loads ready to be washed. I was going to get to the dishes, but realized the cat food dishes needed cleaned first and I was getting ready to need a break. So instead I started soaking the cat food bowls. A couple of other odds and ends have been tended, thoughtlessly, in the process. Picking a few things up here, collecting things there, just... doing. It really is easy and light when I can breathe, think, remember. No pushing involved today at all.
A call to my friend shortly, a call to check on some business, a check to the bank to make sure I have enough, and maybe some shopping before I return home. When I get days like these, I use them until they are gone. I have had a wave or two of the dread malaise and flu like symptoms, but they have been both light and passed quickly. I was actually able to work on through one of them. One forced me to sit in the chair of woe for a bit, but only shortly. I still run out of breathe, but if I move a little slower at that point I can continue for a while.
Not everything is easy. I will have to push to get ready and go. It seems leaving my home, something like leaving the planet for a rocket ship, takes a lot more energy then simply flying. I suppose it is because leaving requires a shower and grooming, dressing and choosing the clothes in the first place, finding and putting on shoes, then getting my vehicle started, out of the garage, and closing that back up, as well as some other things. It is a huge outlay of resources of which I can never be sure I have. I am so used to... reserving energy, planning every move, that spending that much at one time is sort of spooky. Then I will have to deal with people. We live in a rude world, a harsh world. There is kindness, civility, and mannered interaction out there, but it is more like a blooming rose in the wild... rarity rather than surety.
But, so be it. Today is the day to get some things done. I will do all that I can reasonably do and maybe a bit more. The weekend is coming up, if I need to I can rest then. If not, perhaps I can get to the yard, or even part of it. If I can pick up fallen limbs, I will start with that. If I can do more, I might try using the weed whacker to do the edges. If I can go further, I may begin to mow the lawn in sections.
I am glad, when the missionaries came, I asked them to help me set up my weight bench the next time they arrive. I was thinking that might be a foolish hope, but I think it might be a good plan now. If I can only lift a few light sets a week, so be it. If I can get to three times a week I will be ecstatic. A bit of that might lead to walks, hikes out to the dam. Even walking half way and back, or a quarter of the way and back, would be something. Darn it, if I am going to die I would like to look as good as I can. If I am not going to die, then I better get to getting off my butt. I'm not sure how my butt feels about it. Then again I am not known for sensitivities. :p Later.
The perfect storm.
.
.
I was able to sleep my eight hours. I picked up another two hours, after waking at eight hours of sleep, with a little effort. Why push for extra sleep? As I have said, like dehydration, deficits can be compensated but only over time, a bit at a time. Or, that is how I have found things to work for me. The rest was good, the extra rest was rough but needed as I see things. A little bit of grump time to deal with pains and discomfort this morning and I am, again, in decent shape. We will see if the waves of suffering begin today again. I suspect they will, if perhaps they may be lessening too.
I am taking the full compliment of recommended medications and figuring out how to stay 'wet enough' as well. Two or three 8 ounce glasses of Gatorade, a similar serving or two of milk, a soda or two (of which I can only drink perhaps half, as it is too filling). Further, I have bits of food. Brots, carrots, apples, and peanut butter, for now, see me to several very small meals which I can both tolerate and even almost enjoy. Other than cooking the brots, the rest is easy food. In smaller amounts I do well with food.
I just started the hyzaar (losartan plus hydrochlorothiazide) and standard hydrochlorothiazide. Those I will be taking in the late afternoon (early enough to void a time or two before sleep), with one of my glasses of Gatorade. The rest I take in the morning. The added effects of hydrochlorothiazide really helped to get rid of the extra water that was going into my abdomen, but I think if I took it in the morning with the rest, the effects might be washed out before I try to sleep, leaving me with too much fluid to sleep again.
Why do I call it the perfect storm then? Because, right at this time, I have food, I have the fluids I need, and I have a decent supply of medication. All of these things are difficult for me to both obtain and keep on tap. Like it or not, and in truth, my life is difficult to maintain without needing to keep dozens of things available. I fear falling in any of those areas. Shopping is still a struggle, maintaining focus to both realize I am low on a particular need and then seeing through to a timely purchase or reordering is difficult. And, I have finally realized I am crippled, it isn't choice so much as loss of function (which no medicine other than Ritalin has helped overcome to date). So, yes, I am afraid. Part of my unwillingness to go on medicines hinges on this fear, knowledge, understanding.
I will continue this as well and as long as I can. So far my blood pressure and pulse have not budged, other than diastolic going up to as high as 140 every third reading or so. Still, I have a few weeks before I go to cardiology. If I can maintain some focus, begin to get on some things, I might begin looking at the things D.C. and Jean have suggested in the way of more natural bp curatives. I will have to be very careful, however, regarding interactions, with as many medicines as I am taking.
But, there it is. I am riding the medicine bike, for now. I can't say how long, beside keeping the gravy trains moving, I can stay on the stuff. Often it takes a couple weeks to a month before my disability kicks in, enhanced by medicine, and goes into blackout conditions on this type of stuff. If they are wise, they will look carefully at what is happening and probably leave it alone for a bit. Any changes or additions must be done very slowly, very cautiously. I feel like my hands are bound, my neck in a noose, and I am forced to balance on a four-legged chair with one of the legs gone. Could be worse, it could have been a three-legged stool with only two legs left, I suppose. Laugh, damn you.
I take Sam in this afternoon. I may ask if my friend wants to go shooting today, and pick him up on the way to bringing Sam home. A shower, shave, and getting dressed are in order. I have enough clean clothes, but sorely need to wash some socks. I don't know what of that will be done by the time I go, but there is the game plan. At least, so far, today is better. If nothing else, my ribs don't hurt and my breathing seems a little smoother, so far. And so far, no waves of nausea, fever, or general feeling of being sick have swept through... so far.
As bad as that sounds, I should remind you, that is all good news, spoken by the tongue of a pessimist. Now for the bad news. Laugh, damn you!
Have a great day.
.
I was able to sleep my eight hours. I picked up another two hours, after waking at eight hours of sleep, with a little effort. Why push for extra sleep? As I have said, like dehydration, deficits can be compensated but only over time, a bit at a time. Or, that is how I have found things to work for me. The rest was good, the extra rest was rough but needed as I see things. A little bit of grump time to deal with pains and discomfort this morning and I am, again, in decent shape. We will see if the waves of suffering begin today again. I suspect they will, if perhaps they may be lessening too.
I am taking the full compliment of recommended medications and figuring out how to stay 'wet enough' as well. Two or three 8 ounce glasses of Gatorade, a similar serving or two of milk, a soda or two (of which I can only drink perhaps half, as it is too filling). Further, I have bits of food. Brots, carrots, apples, and peanut butter, for now, see me to several very small meals which I can both tolerate and even almost enjoy. Other than cooking the brots, the rest is easy food. In smaller amounts I do well with food.
I just started the hyzaar (losartan plus hydrochlorothiazide) and standard hydrochlorothiazide. Those I will be taking in the late afternoon (early enough to void a time or two before sleep), with one of my glasses of Gatorade. The rest I take in the morning. The added effects of hydrochlorothiazide really helped to get rid of the extra water that was going into my abdomen, but I think if I took it in the morning with the rest, the effects might be washed out before I try to sleep, leaving me with too much fluid to sleep again.
Why do I call it the perfect storm then? Because, right at this time, I have food, I have the fluids I need, and I have a decent supply of medication. All of these things are difficult for me to both obtain and keep on tap. Like it or not, and in truth, my life is difficult to maintain without needing to keep dozens of things available. I fear falling in any of those areas. Shopping is still a struggle, maintaining focus to both realize I am low on a particular need and then seeing through to a timely purchase or reordering is difficult. And, I have finally realized I am crippled, it isn't choice so much as loss of function (which no medicine other than Ritalin has helped overcome to date). So, yes, I am afraid. Part of my unwillingness to go on medicines hinges on this fear, knowledge, understanding.
I will continue this as well and as long as I can. So far my blood pressure and pulse have not budged, other than diastolic going up to as high as 140 every third reading or so. Still, I have a few weeks before I go to cardiology. If I can maintain some focus, begin to get on some things, I might begin looking at the things D.C. and Jean have suggested in the way of more natural bp curatives. I will have to be very careful, however, regarding interactions, with as many medicines as I am taking.
But, there it is. I am riding the medicine bike, for now. I can't say how long, beside keeping the gravy trains moving, I can stay on the stuff. Often it takes a couple weeks to a month before my disability kicks in, enhanced by medicine, and goes into blackout conditions on this type of stuff. If they are wise, they will look carefully at what is happening and probably leave it alone for a bit. Any changes or additions must be done very slowly, very cautiously. I feel like my hands are bound, my neck in a noose, and I am forced to balance on a four-legged chair with one of the legs gone. Could be worse, it could have been a three-legged stool with only two legs left, I suppose. Laugh, damn you.
I take Sam in this afternoon. I may ask if my friend wants to go shooting today, and pick him up on the way to bringing Sam home. A shower, shave, and getting dressed are in order. I have enough clean clothes, but sorely need to wash some socks. I don't know what of that will be done by the time I go, but there is the game plan. At least, so far, today is better. If nothing else, my ribs don't hurt and my breathing seems a little smoother, so far. And so far, no waves of nausea, fever, or general feeling of being sick have swept through... so far.
As bad as that sounds, I should remind you, that is all good news, spoken by the tongue of a pessimist. Now for the bad news. Laugh, damn you!
Have a great day.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
In the news.
.
.
What I wrote a bit ago, about the economy, people trying to find anything which makes money but in truth often just hoping not to lose it, and the rest, seems to be borne out by this article. Not that some news reporter can be believed of and by themself, but when the evidence is in the article, and apart from it, the story is much easier to believe. Beside the housing crisis, the unemployment numbers, the national debt, and the other headliners is the notion that hospitals are running out of many medications. I believe it was something like 211 drugs, including injectibles used to treat heart attacks. Not only does this show an failing industry, it also show what happens when the world demands generics and threatens to steal the patents if they can't get a generic form for free. I do love how the left is always "surprised".
And this Weinergate thing is just ludicrous. First, he is a Democrat. Not only is this allowed in his party, assuming he did do it (which I do), it is actually supported activity. As long as you bring back the bacon to those that you owe, you could probably crucify Christ and make out swell in that party. I think the only reason this story has legs is because Weiner panicked and everyone loves seeing a deer in the headlights, so long as they have a zero deductible, they love deer meat and can tag the thing after hitting it, or they are watching from the sidelines with no skin in the game. At least one Kennedy was directly involved with the death of a woman and walked on to flourish in that party. Others have been caught having homosexual affairs with children and kept their seats. This guy's only real problem is if the media intensity becomes too much for his wife's ego. She probably knows what he is. I mean, with a name like that?
Well, I have started the "new medicines". Both of them actually contain hydrochlorothiazide. One is that pure and simple, the other is that mixed with losartan. Extra water pills might help. I am a bit hungry and a bit tired. A meal, a little time previewing the stupid tube, and hopefully I can rest. Oh, by the way, the fellow I emailed regarding the chronograph already responded. Dang but if he doesn't sound as picky, whiny, and annoying about the small details as I am. Now me, I like that, so long as I don't have to be around it all day. Ruh-rho! Ah well. And, no, I'm not like this all the time. Just lately I think. Or... about just about any product I have ever bought. So much cheap junk on the market, it's difficult to believe. In any case, it sounds like that might be the right chronograph.
Ciao.
.
What I wrote a bit ago, about the economy, people trying to find anything which makes money but in truth often just hoping not to lose it, and the rest, seems to be borne out by this article. Not that some news reporter can be believed of and by themself, but when the evidence is in the article, and apart from it, the story is much easier to believe. Beside the housing crisis, the unemployment numbers, the national debt, and the other headliners is the notion that hospitals are running out of many medications. I believe it was something like 211 drugs, including injectibles used to treat heart attacks. Not only does this show an failing industry, it also show what happens when the world demands generics and threatens to steal the patents if they can't get a generic form for free. I do love how the left is always "surprised".
And this Weinergate thing is just ludicrous. First, he is a Democrat. Not only is this allowed in his party, assuming he did do it (which I do), it is actually supported activity. As long as you bring back the bacon to those that you owe, you could probably crucify Christ and make out swell in that party. I think the only reason this story has legs is because Weiner panicked and everyone loves seeing a deer in the headlights, so long as they have a zero deductible, they love deer meat and can tag the thing after hitting it, or they are watching from the sidelines with no skin in the game. At least one Kennedy was directly involved with the death of a woman and walked on to flourish in that party. Others have been caught having homosexual affairs with children and kept their seats. This guy's only real problem is if the media intensity becomes too much for his wife's ego. She probably knows what he is. I mean, with a name like that?
Well, I have started the "new medicines". Both of them actually contain hydrochlorothiazide. One is that pure and simple, the other is that mixed with losartan. Extra water pills might help. I am a bit hungry and a bit tired. A meal, a little time previewing the stupid tube, and hopefully I can rest. Oh, by the way, the fellow I emailed regarding the chronograph already responded. Dang but if he doesn't sound as picky, whiny, and annoying about the small details as I am. Now me, I like that, so long as I don't have to be around it all day. Ruh-rho! Ah well. And, no, I'm not like this all the time. Just lately I think. Or... about just about any product I have ever bought. So much cheap junk on the market, it's difficult to believe. In any case, it sounds like that might be the right chronograph.
Ciao.
Okay, a few things if not the things on my mind.
.
.
The waves of illness make getting much done a bit difficult. As I get set to do something, a wave will crash over me like when I have had the flu before. In time it eases and goes, but the moments of sweat and pain and nausea leave my intent broken and I lose track of what I was doing or about to do. What ends up being tended is as random as it is light.
I set up an appointment for Sam tomorrow. She and the vet have had a meeting fated for some time. The time is here. I also placed an order from Cabela's. The last of a Christmas present and a shooting stool. Oh I know, the stool might be silly. But with my friend having foot problems and me having breathing problems, if we want to go shooting for more than fifteen minutes, for now, this with the other one will help. I also did a bit of research on chronographs. I was looking for one that both had good reviews and if shot would be relatively inexpensive to fix. With most a complete replacement is necessary. I found the one I think I would like to buy. I found a non-shill type of review, but the review was incomplete. So I emailed the blogger to ask for more information.
The last thing to be done, so far, was speaking with a nurse from my clinic. It seems taking extra furosemide (water pill) is a bad idea. Playing with fire or something, though that was probably not the best way to describe a bad thing to a curious minded man. I asked her about some other things as well. She remained rather vague so I got a bit more specific. What, I asked, should I do with my torso now filling with fluid as well, if I am not to increase the water pill? She actually told me, in that situation, to go on into the ER. She even suggested that if my tongue and lips begin to blister, going into the ER is reasonable. It is a long drive but what else is there? This means, of course, I may be back into the ER shortly.
Oh, right, she asked what medicines I am taking. I ran down the list. She asked why I wasn't taking the hydrochlorothiazide and losartan. Well, I suggested that these had merely arrived in the mail with no information. No one had spoken to me about those, even when I was in the clinic last time, and that I thought they must be a mistake, especially since I am already taking a water pill. Ah, she said. The doctor had not indicated that she call me. Well, that was cleared up. I told her I would try these. I forgot to ask her if these symptoms, a bit from the illness and a bit from the medicine, would ever clear up or if this is as good as it gets. She might not know and even if she did probably would not have discussed it. While drowning in spittle is not fun, I am pretty sure it will lead to a heart attack and rather soon. A few months at most. I would much rather die than suffer like I currently am but then live for forty years this way. I have limits.
I also asked if a home health caregiver would be something the V.A. might provide. She at first said absolutely not, since I am not technically totally house-bound. I can, technically, go shopping. I can drive. No. Then she suggested that she would speak with the doctor to see if the doctor or case worker could or would put in for that in any case. So, maybe. Just to have some one pick up around the edges, even for a short term, would make life just a bit smoother. It's the little things, if those little things have grown into monsters.
Still, I will try to keep up the medicines. With the official availability of the ER, I can go a bit farther. And with cardiology just a little under two weeks away, perhaps I can hold on. If I get some help with the dishes and the lawn, that will clear some of my personal stress, open the way to a bit more nourishment potentially, and help me level out in a more social or civil way. A few things at a time.
Later.
.
The waves of illness make getting much done a bit difficult. As I get set to do something, a wave will crash over me like when I have had the flu before. In time it eases and goes, but the moments of sweat and pain and nausea leave my intent broken and I lose track of what I was doing or about to do. What ends up being tended is as random as it is light.
I set up an appointment for Sam tomorrow. She and the vet have had a meeting fated for some time. The time is here. I also placed an order from Cabela's. The last of a Christmas present and a shooting stool. Oh I know, the stool might be silly. But with my friend having foot problems and me having breathing problems, if we want to go shooting for more than fifteen minutes, for now, this with the other one will help. I also did a bit of research on chronographs. I was looking for one that both had good reviews and if shot would be relatively inexpensive to fix. With most a complete replacement is necessary. I found the one I think I would like to buy. I found a non-shill type of review, but the review was incomplete. So I emailed the blogger to ask for more information.
The last thing to be done, so far, was speaking with a nurse from my clinic. It seems taking extra furosemide (water pill) is a bad idea. Playing with fire or something, though that was probably not the best way to describe a bad thing to a curious minded man. I asked her about some other things as well. She remained rather vague so I got a bit more specific. What, I asked, should I do with my torso now filling with fluid as well, if I am not to increase the water pill? She actually told me, in that situation, to go on into the ER. She even suggested that if my tongue and lips begin to blister, going into the ER is reasonable. It is a long drive but what else is there? This means, of course, I may be back into the ER shortly.
Oh, right, she asked what medicines I am taking. I ran down the list. She asked why I wasn't taking the hydrochlorothiazide and losartan. Well, I suggested that these had merely arrived in the mail with no information. No one had spoken to me about those, even when I was in the clinic last time, and that I thought they must be a mistake, especially since I am already taking a water pill. Ah, she said. The doctor had not indicated that she call me. Well, that was cleared up. I told her I would try these. I forgot to ask her if these symptoms, a bit from the illness and a bit from the medicine, would ever clear up or if this is as good as it gets. She might not know and even if she did probably would not have discussed it. While drowning in spittle is not fun, I am pretty sure it will lead to a heart attack and rather soon. A few months at most. I would much rather die than suffer like I currently am but then live for forty years this way. I have limits.
I also asked if a home health caregiver would be something the V.A. might provide. She at first said absolutely not, since I am not technically totally house-bound. I can, technically, go shopping. I can drive. No. Then she suggested that she would speak with the doctor to see if the doctor or case worker could or would put in for that in any case. So, maybe. Just to have some one pick up around the edges, even for a short term, would make life just a bit smoother. It's the little things, if those little things have grown into monsters.
Still, I will try to keep up the medicines. With the official availability of the ER, I can go a bit farther. And with cardiology just a little under two weeks away, perhaps I can hold on. If I get some help with the dishes and the lawn, that will clear some of my personal stress, open the way to a bit more nourishment potentially, and help me level out in a more social or civil way. A few things at a time.
Later.
Truly green about the gills.
.
.
My stomach is still a bit swollen. I am running an off and on fever. I have a general sense of illness, with waves of mild nausea. My breathing is easier, though occasionally I simply lose and can't immediately catch my breath and any activity will see me becoming less and less able to breathe until I am required to sit a bit due to choking out and waves of feverishness. This stuff makes it difficult to decide to take the medications, but I do, so far. I take the hard pills with a cocktail of Gatorade, powdered potassium, water, and ice. The drink is so filling that even at only 6 to 8 ounces it takes an hour to finish that off. With the Gatorade I can't taste the powdered potassium, but the mass of the volume is noticeably increased.
In spite of all that, this is as good as I have felt in... a while. My memory stinks, so a week or three or several months all blur. That, though slightly worse than most of my life here in Utah, is actually an improvement over life in Iowa and definitely better than any time I have tried "successful" high blood pressure medicine. I do have some memory and some time scale within which to work. And, actually, I have been making appointments well. At least recently and mostly.
So, today I will be taking a shower shortly. I will try to get a daily shower on days like this. The hope is to be ready should I hit upon a moment where getting to town and shopping seems reasonable. Once out of the house, even if I end up going downhill fast, I do get a few things done. A Sam's Club membership and various other shopping is a dire need. The brots will last a few days, but after that? My cupboards are rather bare. No, they are almost truly empty. Just getting out of the house is a good thing, all by itself.
I will also be trying to contact someone to talk to at my clinic. I need to know how much room I have to work with adding to the water pill dose, how to mitigate the nausea and fever washes, if these and other symptoms are just the way of things that I need to get used to from now on, and whether my hydration is going the right way. I simply feel like I have been left to luck through things, and really... that's too much. I neither have the skills and knowledge to know nor the fortitude and trust to simply "do". I know just enough to not know AND not enough to know better. Or, something like that.
If I don't make it to town, a shower might encourage me to some of my home care needs. While I have done some laundry, I need to do more. And, of course, dishes. Doing a load once in a while feels good as much as I hate the chore. Vacuuming is sorely needed, as is a general clear and clean. At least I am feeling well enough, within the givens, to actually begin formulating a way out of the malaise and lost ability to focus. I have a world to beat, if I could just... get... up! I am hoping showers will help.
Have a great day.
.
My stomach is still a bit swollen. I am running an off and on fever. I have a general sense of illness, with waves of mild nausea. My breathing is easier, though occasionally I simply lose and can't immediately catch my breath and any activity will see me becoming less and less able to breathe until I am required to sit a bit due to choking out and waves of feverishness. This stuff makes it difficult to decide to take the medications, but I do, so far. I take the hard pills with a cocktail of Gatorade, powdered potassium, water, and ice. The drink is so filling that even at only 6 to 8 ounces it takes an hour to finish that off. With the Gatorade I can't taste the powdered potassium, but the mass of the volume is noticeably increased.
In spite of all that, this is as good as I have felt in... a while. My memory stinks, so a week or three or several months all blur. That, though slightly worse than most of my life here in Utah, is actually an improvement over life in Iowa and definitely better than any time I have tried "successful" high blood pressure medicine. I do have some memory and some time scale within which to work. And, actually, I have been making appointments well. At least recently and mostly.
So, today I will be taking a shower shortly. I will try to get a daily shower on days like this. The hope is to be ready should I hit upon a moment where getting to town and shopping seems reasonable. Once out of the house, even if I end up going downhill fast, I do get a few things done. A Sam's Club membership and various other shopping is a dire need. The brots will last a few days, but after that? My cupboards are rather bare. No, they are almost truly empty. Just getting out of the house is a good thing, all by itself.
I will also be trying to contact someone to talk to at my clinic. I need to know how much room I have to work with adding to the water pill dose, how to mitigate the nausea and fever washes, if these and other symptoms are just the way of things that I need to get used to from now on, and whether my hydration is going the right way. I simply feel like I have been left to luck through things, and really... that's too much. I neither have the skills and knowledge to know nor the fortitude and trust to simply "do". I know just enough to not know AND not enough to know better. Or, something like that.
If I don't make it to town, a shower might encourage me to some of my home care needs. While I have done some laundry, I need to do more. And, of course, dishes. Doing a load once in a while feels good as much as I hate the chore. Vacuuming is sorely needed, as is a general clear and clean. At least I am feeling well enough, within the givens, to actually begin formulating a way out of the malaise and lost ability to focus. I have a world to beat, if I could just... get... up! I am hoping showers will help.
Have a great day.
I should have known?
.
.
Sleep, that wonderful phenomena which allows things to be recharged, reset, or whatever really happens during those phases came, finally, last night. I think I got about eight hours. I was hoping for more if I doubted I would actually sleep that long. Though eight hours is my standard goal, with the lack of sleep for the most part for the last week or more, a little more would have been nice. You can actually catch up on sleep, but over time. An hour here, a couple hours there. Much like rehydrating after a deficit, it takes time. I definitely don't feel extremely rested if too the sleep itself was rather pleasant.
What I might have been expected to know, or not, is the trick to finally getting to sleep was to take another water pill. I am set to take 60 mg of furosemide (the water pill). I initially tried to take 40 mg, then 20 mg later, to try and mitigate dehydration but that isn't very effective. So I changed to 60 mg in a single dose. While more effective, that was taken in the morning. All during the day I am fighting dehydration, so by necessity filling with fluids. Out of desperation from a day and a half of no sleep, a sore middle section, and difficulty breathing, I added a 40 mg dose of furosemide and a handful of Tylenol toward the end. It almost seems like a no-brainer. Until you begin to realize how nasty this stuff is, that I am taking large doses of potassium currently and that the diuretic might spike potassium in the opposite direction. This stuff is nothing to mess with. I did mention desperation, right? But it seems to have worked, or well enough, or just enough along with the exhaustion. The question is, do I raise my dosage, on my own, by two thirds of my original dosage and do that regularly?
I am ignoring politics, for the most part. As I see it we have RINOs on the run, feminists chasing them, with at least one Obama wannabe in the mix. Media, of all sorts, have their darlings, none of them conservative. FOX would pound it for a frog if they thought... Well, I am not sure they do think. As for internet folk? They are mostly slightly left of center on over to leftheads. Most truly aren't close to being conservative, don't know conservatives. Knowing only hard left people does not make your marginally left ideals conservative, but they simply don't know that. Unless there is a miracle, I can't see myself voting for president. And Christie, for example, ain't it. Oh well.
A few news pieces that caught my eye, made me chuckle or positively feed my negativism, and perhaps a few comments on each is next. I have been pulling this to my "use" folder, but have been in such bad shape, remembering to use them, figuring that all out, and just doing it has not happened.
Something about a black bikers weekend. I don't think this is exactly Sturgis for da bros, either. I could be wrong, but...
This next just baffles me. When I was a kid in poor white towns across the Mid-West, we knew nothing of government assistance in getting us off our asses. Somewhere between our parents wanting us out of the house, our imagination, swimming holes because there were no official swimming pools and they were expensive (to my family anyway), and other factors, we went and did. We were expected to work, at least enough to help pay or fully pay for our own clothing (and it wasn't an issue). Walking beans, picking rocks from farmer's fields, short stopgap things. We got some of the money, some of it went to clothes, that was just the way of it. Government programs? Really? It must be a minority thing that has grown to become the status quo for everybody. A race to the bottom with minorities being used as the bar at which to aim I guess.
This next is just for some people. But all can point and laugh. It seems intelligent folk have peculiarities which tend to be negative. While I agree with most of the assessments to a degree, I believe the explanations of the downside and the situations themselves... were written by the not-so-bright. If I had to guess, I would say a scientist got together with a statistician. Scientists are very good at separating phenomena for evaluation, then they fumble causation like a crack addict fumbles his rocks. Doh! For example, the reason genes are less likely to be passed on is because "bright people", especially in the secular world in which we live, have figured out how to get honey while avoiding the bees (babies, wife, duty, the expenses, pains, or perceived negatives in a secular world view). With some considerations, a stronger will to get only so much, a little dab will do ya. I think I am bright and I am almost sure I have visited more flowers than the average bee. That's all I'm saying on that.
Well, enough of that. Back to me. I still... Blah, blah, blah, and a couple more blahs. Shu-hush. The really sick get some sort of pass on being self-centered for a bit, I hope. Of course, it is about time I figure out how to get unsick. This is getting old even for me. Later. Have a great day. And remember, if you can't laugh at yourself... pick someone else. Like shooting fish in a barrel, I say, I say.
.
Sleep, that wonderful phenomena which allows things to be recharged, reset, or whatever really happens during those phases came, finally, last night. I think I got about eight hours. I was hoping for more if I doubted I would actually sleep that long. Though eight hours is my standard goal, with the lack of sleep for the most part for the last week or more, a little more would have been nice. You can actually catch up on sleep, but over time. An hour here, a couple hours there. Much like rehydrating after a deficit, it takes time. I definitely don't feel extremely rested if too the sleep itself was rather pleasant.
What I might have been expected to know, or not, is the trick to finally getting to sleep was to take another water pill. I am set to take 60 mg of furosemide (the water pill). I initially tried to take 40 mg, then 20 mg later, to try and mitigate dehydration but that isn't very effective. So I changed to 60 mg in a single dose. While more effective, that was taken in the morning. All during the day I am fighting dehydration, so by necessity filling with fluids. Out of desperation from a day and a half of no sleep, a sore middle section, and difficulty breathing, I added a 40 mg dose of furosemide and a handful of Tylenol toward the end. It almost seems like a no-brainer. Until you begin to realize how nasty this stuff is, that I am taking large doses of potassium currently and that the diuretic might spike potassium in the opposite direction. This stuff is nothing to mess with. I did mention desperation, right? But it seems to have worked, or well enough, or just enough along with the exhaustion. The question is, do I raise my dosage, on my own, by two thirds of my original dosage and do that regularly?
I am ignoring politics, for the most part. As I see it we have RINOs on the run, feminists chasing them, with at least one Obama wannabe in the mix. Media, of all sorts, have their darlings, none of them conservative. FOX would pound it for a frog if they thought... Well, I am not sure they do think. As for internet folk? They are mostly slightly left of center on over to leftheads. Most truly aren't close to being conservative, don't know conservatives. Knowing only hard left people does not make your marginally left ideals conservative, but they simply don't know that. Unless there is a miracle, I can't see myself voting for president. And Christie, for example, ain't it. Oh well.
A few news pieces that caught my eye, made me chuckle or positively feed my negativism, and perhaps a few comments on each is next. I have been pulling this to my "use" folder, but have been in such bad shape, remembering to use them, figuring that all out, and just doing it has not happened.
Something about a black bikers weekend. I don't think this is exactly Sturgis for da bros, either. I could be wrong, but...
MYRTLE BEACH, SC (WMBF) - During this busy Memorial Day weekend on the Grand Strand, police have seen a number of crime reports coming in.Everywhere and always, but like the continuing unemployment (and the real numbers on that), the price of gas, and the continued devaluation of the housing market, this is always... unexpected!
This next just baffles me. When I was a kid in poor white towns across the Mid-West, we knew nothing of government assistance in getting us off our asses. Somewhere between our parents wanting us out of the house, our imagination, swimming holes because there were no official swimming pools and they were expensive (to my family anyway), and other factors, we went and did. We were expected to work, at least enough to help pay or fully pay for our own clothing (and it wasn't an issue). Walking beans, picking rocks from farmer's fields, short stopgap things. We got some of the money, some of it went to clothes, that was just the way of it. Government programs? Really? It must be a minority thing that has grown to become the status quo for everybody. A race to the bottom with minorities being used as the bar at which to aim I guess.
This next is just for some people. But all can point and laugh. It seems intelligent folk have peculiarities which tend to be negative. While I agree with most of the assessments to a degree, I believe the explanations of the downside and the situations themselves... were written by the not-so-bright. If I had to guess, I would say a scientist got together with a statistician. Scientists are very good at separating phenomena for evaluation, then they fumble causation like a crack addict fumbles his rocks. Doh! For example, the reason genes are less likely to be passed on is because "bright people", especially in the secular world in which we live, have figured out how to get honey while avoiding the bees (babies, wife, duty, the expenses, pains, or perceived negatives in a secular world view). With some considerations, a stronger will to get only so much, a little dab will do ya. I think I am bright and I am almost sure I have visited more flowers than the average bee. That's all I'm saying on that.
Well, enough of that. Back to me. I still... Blah, blah, blah, and a couple more blahs. Shu-hush. The really sick get some sort of pass on being self-centered for a bit, I hope. Of course, it is about time I figure out how to get unsick. This is getting old even for me. Later. Have a great day. And remember, if you can't laugh at yourself... pick someone else. Like shooting fish in a barrel, I say, I say.
Green around the gills.
.
.
I tried to sleep earlier but could not get comfortable. After a couple of hours down, and a good deal of pain, I just got back up. So tired. So very tired. I decided to cook the brots. Everything takes so much longer when sleep is needed. It took a couple of hours of thinking about it to simply light the grill, let it heat up, and plop the brots down. Such a simple task. Without sleep doing anything is like trying to drive while inebriated. I overdid them just a bit, but they were still quite good. A hot meal is always good.
My mother called to let my know my brother made it out of surgery in good shape. While talking with her, he suggested that his side hurt. I had to laugh, and explained that I wasn't laughing at him, more about him. Which was fine, she had chuckled about it too, while talking with him. Sometimes I can't tell if my... reactions, notions, words, are too harsh, too soft, or reasonable. She will be checking on me a bit more. She wanted to know what, if anything, I had figured out today. It was good to let her know about my various phone calls and at least that one appointment. That seemed to ease her mind to know I am trying.
Sassy is acting really odd. I am not sure what that is all about. Perhaps as the weather has warmed the bats are moving around in the walls. Perhaps it is merely the warm weather. It could also be my recent inability to be as attentive as usual. That and I have not let the girls in to sleep with me in a very long time. Since I have to constantly be rolling and adjusting pillows I simply cannot welcome their company. I miss that though, a great deal.
It seems my lungs are not the only things which are swelling. My midsection is too. I had not realized that was something that could also flood with fluid. A little more reading about heart failure led me to the notion. That explains some of the panting and lack of thirst and hunger. It is also the primary reason I can't sleep, as I think about it. Remember when I suggested that it felt like my abdomen had been used as a punching bag? That is why. The lungs, though, are still full, which doesn't help. But I think the sore ribs, as the pain is expanding, is the primary reason I can't get comfortable. I am going to take a handful of Tylenol, wait an half hour, and then try to sleep again. I am so tired my eyes keep trying to cross and my head does the whiplash jerk every so often.
Good night, I hope.
.
I tried to sleep earlier but could not get comfortable. After a couple of hours down, and a good deal of pain, I just got back up. So tired. So very tired. I decided to cook the brots. Everything takes so much longer when sleep is needed. It took a couple of hours of thinking about it to simply light the grill, let it heat up, and plop the brots down. Such a simple task. Without sleep doing anything is like trying to drive while inebriated. I overdid them just a bit, but they were still quite good. A hot meal is always good.
My mother called to let my know my brother made it out of surgery in good shape. While talking with her, he suggested that his side hurt. I had to laugh, and explained that I wasn't laughing at him, more about him. Which was fine, she had chuckled about it too, while talking with him. Sometimes I can't tell if my... reactions, notions, words, are too harsh, too soft, or reasonable. She will be checking on me a bit more. She wanted to know what, if anything, I had figured out today. It was good to let her know about my various phone calls and at least that one appointment. That seemed to ease her mind to know I am trying.
Sassy is acting really odd. I am not sure what that is all about. Perhaps as the weather has warmed the bats are moving around in the walls. Perhaps it is merely the warm weather. It could also be my recent inability to be as attentive as usual. That and I have not let the girls in to sleep with me in a very long time. Since I have to constantly be rolling and adjusting pillows I simply cannot welcome their company. I miss that though, a great deal.
It seems my lungs are not the only things which are swelling. My midsection is too. I had not realized that was something that could also flood with fluid. A little more reading about heart failure led me to the notion. That explains some of the panting and lack of thirst and hunger. It is also the primary reason I can't sleep, as I think about it. Remember when I suggested that it felt like my abdomen had been used as a punching bag? That is why. The lungs, though, are still full, which doesn't help. But I think the sore ribs, as the pain is expanding, is the primary reason I can't get comfortable. I am going to take a handful of Tylenol, wait an half hour, and then try to sleep again. I am so tired my eyes keep trying to cross and my head does the whiplash jerk every so often.
Good night, I hope.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Still awake.
.
.
And still I can't sleep. The last time I slept was a nap yesterday in the early afternoon, for an hour. Before that, I slept well the preceding night. But before that I could not sleep well for a week. I have the rales, my chest is full of fluid, in spite of the flush in the ER and going back on my medicine. I am hydrating a bit more, but I have no choice. Trying to cut a balance between drinking enough and allowing the water pill to work, I am constantly on the verge of a blistering tongue. Up 29 hours with little hope of sleep until I collapse as well.
I called the clinic until I could talk to someone. She seemed curt. I was transferred to a nurse. I only got her answering service. I did leave a very specific message. This isn't going well. I will try again tomorrow.
.
And still I can't sleep. The last time I slept was a nap yesterday in the early afternoon, for an hour. Before that, I slept well the preceding night. But before that I could not sleep well for a week. I have the rales, my chest is full of fluid, in spite of the flush in the ER and going back on my medicine. I am hydrating a bit more, but I have no choice. Trying to cut a balance between drinking enough and allowing the water pill to work, I am constantly on the verge of a blistering tongue. Up 29 hours with little hope of sleep until I collapse as well.
I called the clinic until I could talk to someone. She seemed curt. I was transferred to a nurse. I only got her answering service. I did leave a very specific message. This isn't going well. I will try again tomorrow.
A fresh breathe.
.
.
No, nothing has improved. My mother called. She offered motivation and suggested I move aggressively. That was the push I needed. That and the fact that I can't get to sleep yet. I called both my clinic and cardiology. My clinic has been called last week and today. Last time I was routed to a message service for the case manager of my treatment team. This time I wasn't even sent there, just put immediately to a general message service for the clinic. The calls to cardiology were similar. Last week I left one or two messages at the cardiology clinic itself, after learning their specific number and calling them directly. This time my call was routed away from cardiology and back to general admissions with a 10 minute wait. I think they are avoiding me. I didn't wait because I know from previous calls that appointments have to be set up by speaking to someone in the cardiology clinic itself, which is how I learned their direct line number. I wish I had another phone through which to call them and check that.
There is not a lot else I can do. If this continues, my mother suggested driving to their ER, again, and insisting on admittance. Of course, that means taking Sam and Sassy to a place for boarding. While I could put enough feed and water for them for a few days, more than that would be more of a risk than I would care to take. Sassy has some issues with the water dispenser. The gurgling sound as water enters the bowl after drinking peaks her curiosity so that she knocks the thing over. That is a last resort, in any case. Beyond, I am almost certain they would not take me in. I am considered a problem case. To be honest, they should have taken me in already and long ago.
I don't really care about some treatment options, they aren't open to me. However, I would at least like to see a cause of the congestive heart failure, find out how serious this is, if it is terminal find some relief to my symptoms and begin making plans, or whatever else I can find out. At this point everything is still quite up in the air and I don't have a follow-up appointment until the 29th. I won't last on the diuretics that long. And, as I said, after reviewing Lisex, I realize that going off that treatment is exactly what I should have done.
What would you do? Remember, you have almost no energy. You can't always think straight and have to plan trips around lack of sleep. No one can drive you if you have a more serious complication. And the medical field seems rather put-off or disinterested. Well, other than pray you don't one day end up on Obamacare too?
Update: After some robo-calling, I finally got through to the cardiology clinic to schedule an appointment. The soonest they could see me was the 13th. I asked if they could put me on a call list as well, in case they had an appointment cancellation. I can only be on one list, an appointment or call-up. I chose the appointment. I also called my primary clinic several times. After listening to the message a few times I realize there has been a change in staffing, which is why I had thought I was being sent to general messaging. It might explain why I didn't receive a call back. So, this last time, I left a message, again. I would love to sleep but a) I can't and b) I need to stay up until at least 16:00 in case I receive a call back.
.
No, nothing has improved. My mother called. She offered motivation and suggested I move aggressively. That was the push I needed. That and the fact that I can't get to sleep yet. I called both my clinic and cardiology. My clinic has been called last week and today. Last time I was routed to a message service for the case manager of my treatment team. This time I wasn't even sent there, just put immediately to a general message service for the clinic. The calls to cardiology were similar. Last week I left one or two messages at the cardiology clinic itself, after learning their specific number and calling them directly. This time my call was routed away from cardiology and back to general admissions with a 10 minute wait. I think they are avoiding me. I didn't wait because I know from previous calls that appointments have to be set up by speaking to someone in the cardiology clinic itself, which is how I learned their direct line number. I wish I had another phone through which to call them and check that.
There is not a lot else I can do. If this continues, my mother suggested driving to their ER, again, and insisting on admittance. Of course, that means taking Sam and Sassy to a place for boarding. While I could put enough feed and water for them for a few days, more than that would be more of a risk than I would care to take. Sassy has some issues with the water dispenser. The gurgling sound as water enters the bowl after drinking peaks her curiosity so that she knocks the thing over. That is a last resort, in any case. Beyond, I am almost certain they would not take me in. I am considered a problem case. To be honest, they should have taken me in already and long ago.
I don't really care about some treatment options, they aren't open to me. However, I would at least like to see a cause of the congestive heart failure, find out how serious this is, if it is terminal find some relief to my symptoms and begin making plans, or whatever else I can find out. At this point everything is still quite up in the air and I don't have a follow-up appointment until the 29th. I won't last on the diuretics that long. And, as I said, after reviewing Lisex, I realize that going off that treatment is exactly what I should have done.
What would you do? Remember, you have almost no energy. You can't always think straight and have to plan trips around lack of sleep. No one can drive you if you have a more serious complication. And the medical field seems rather put-off or disinterested. Well, other than pray you don't one day end up on Obamacare too?
Update: After some robo-calling, I finally got through to the cardiology clinic to schedule an appointment. The soonest they could see me was the 13th. I asked if they could put me on a call list as well, in case they had an appointment cancellation. I can only be on one list, an appointment or call-up. I chose the appointment. I also called my primary clinic several times. After listening to the message a few times I realize there has been a change in staffing, which is why I had thought I was being sent to general messaging. It might explain why I didn't receive a call back. So, this last time, I left a message, again. I would love to sleep but a) I can't and b) I need to stay up until at least 16:00 in case I receive a call back.
What to do?
.
.
I could not sleep last night. I could not find a comfortable position. Tired as I was and remain, five hours trying to find a position in which I would not pant was impossible. Sitting up seems okay, back to where I was a week ago. But palpitations and panting and pain is all I find reclining. I need sleep so badly.
I am back on the water pill, I am taking carvedilol, I am taking potassium, I am drinking Gatorade, and it simply is not sustainable. I would like to call today, to my clinic and cardiology but in my condition it might not happen. I need to be able to communicate by voice, I need to be able to think straight, and right now I can't. As well, now, I am having loose stools. I would guess that is from adding in the potassium. None of the other medicines have done that and D.C. suggested calcium might. I will continue taking this stuff until I can talk to someone. Oh, fluid voiding has dropped to a trickle and has become extremely yellow, verging on yellow-red. What a mess.
I can't remember if I mentioned this, but the missionaries visited yesterday. I asked if they might know anyone who might do a bit of house and yard care for a reasonable fee. I don't have a ton of money but I have enough that I can't really consider charity work. Well, we will see. At $100 an hour, charity would have to become a part of it! Mowing even twice a month and dishes once or twice a week might see to me being able to eat a bit better and feel more comfortable as a social being. Feeling to bad to work on the lawn and yet having a sense that I need to tend it just ends in frustration.
Well, enough about that. I am going to try and sleep again. I am hoping to do some grilling today. A couple of packages of brots ought to see me good for a few days at least. Later and hopefully, good night.
.
I could not sleep last night. I could not find a comfortable position. Tired as I was and remain, five hours trying to find a position in which I would not pant was impossible. Sitting up seems okay, back to where I was a week ago. But palpitations and panting and pain is all I find reclining. I need sleep so badly.
I am back on the water pill, I am taking carvedilol, I am taking potassium, I am drinking Gatorade, and it simply is not sustainable. I would like to call today, to my clinic and cardiology but in my condition it might not happen. I need to be able to communicate by voice, I need to be able to think straight, and right now I can't. As well, now, I am having loose stools. I would guess that is from adding in the potassium. None of the other medicines have done that and D.C. suggested calcium might. I will continue taking this stuff until I can talk to someone. Oh, fluid voiding has dropped to a trickle and has become extremely yellow, verging on yellow-red. What a mess.
I can't remember if I mentioned this, but the missionaries visited yesterday. I asked if they might know anyone who might do a bit of house and yard care for a reasonable fee. I don't have a ton of money but I have enough that I can't really consider charity work. Well, we will see. At $100 an hour, charity would have to become a part of it! Mowing even twice a month and dishes once or twice a week might see to me being able to eat a bit better and feel more comfortable as a social being. Feeling to bad to work on the lawn and yet having a sense that I need to tend it just ends in frustration.
Well, enough about that. I am going to try and sleep again. I am hoping to do some grilling today. A couple of packages of brots ought to see me good for a few days at least. Later and hopefully, good night.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Already deeply dehydrated.
.
.
Dehydration is already back and in full force. While I have been trying to drink, my ability to consume much in the way of volume is closed to me. I have looked online for advice for prevention while taking loop diuretics, I have so far come up empty. The nap was okay, though I could only sleep an hour. And my stomach feels like it is recovering from having a bowling ball thrown at it a few days ago, again. Breathing is a bit better but my marathon for today is off! I do feel like I am trapped, medicines merely seem to prolong the agony while going off the medicines intensifies the agony without really speeding up the dying process.
A decade and a half ago I would have had a solution. Odd, but the notion doesn't even cross my mind these days. I just limp around and grumble. A little food might help. Brots, bread, milk, mustard, and horseradish should do the trick. I can't get to dishes but I can grill! Probably... soon... maybe...
I suppose I will keep searching. One odd thing I noted, all of my illnesses and pills seem to directly or indirectly add to confusion, disorientation, fatigue, and... the rest of my static problems. It is almost a wonder I can write. Sometimes, at blogs, I can't read so I come back later or just have to skip things. I feel like another nap already, but I will hold off. Besides I know I could not sleep. I need to charge exhaustion up for as much single period sleep as possible, when I can. Definitely going through a brain drain though.
I sure hope someone out there is having a good time! Grilling or cooking, feasting, and enjoying company and family. Knowing that is going on actually is a little cheering. Hmm, brots might happen sooner than not just for that.
.
Dehydration is already back and in full force. While I have been trying to drink, my ability to consume much in the way of volume is closed to me. I have looked online for advice for prevention while taking loop diuretics, I have so far come up empty. The nap was okay, though I could only sleep an hour. And my stomach feels like it is recovering from having a bowling ball thrown at it a few days ago, again. Breathing is a bit better but my marathon for today is off! I do feel like I am trapped, medicines merely seem to prolong the agony while going off the medicines intensifies the agony without really speeding up the dying process.
A decade and a half ago I would have had a solution. Odd, but the notion doesn't even cross my mind these days. I just limp around and grumble. A little food might help. Brots, bread, milk, mustard, and horseradish should do the trick. I can't get to dishes but I can grill! Probably... soon... maybe...
I suppose I will keep searching. One odd thing I noted, all of my illnesses and pills seem to directly or indirectly add to confusion, disorientation, fatigue, and... the rest of my static problems. It is almost a wonder I can write. Sometimes, at blogs, I can't read so I come back later or just have to skip things. I feel like another nap already, but I will hold off. Besides I know I could not sleep. I need to charge exhaustion up for as much single period sleep as possible, when I can. Definitely going through a brain drain though.
I sure hope someone out there is having a good time! Grilling or cooking, feasting, and enjoying company and family. Knowing that is going on actually is a little cheering. Hmm, brots might happen sooner than not just for that.
Better. Still needs work.
.
.
After getting up to an almost normal day, I found the mail I picked up yesterday. The part for the reloading press was in. I figured it was small, and being tired I did not want to open it right away and lose it. I found the part, installed it, and tried the press. It seems to work, after a bit of fussing. I will do more later. I simply wanted to get to something functional.
I am still rather wiped. Breathing has improved but putting three or four tasks together is still taxing. Between continuing to remove fluid and trying to eat a bit, an apple so far, along with regular sleep and maybe some naps to catch up if I can, it will be a few days before the rig is ready to roll again. I did note, however, that some scratches that weren't healing, weren't even scabbing correctly, have started to heal. I can tell by the itch factor and obvious signs of scabbing in a few cases. Living with cats will mean living with scratches. Rare as they are, since they haven't been healing for some time, they have sort of collected here and there. A good sign, a very good sign.
I do think, if I take things slowly, that I will be able to kick out the dishes and laundry in the next few days. Beyond better breathing, concentration is returning. A good nights sleep helps with that as much as anything else, and I got one last night. It is amazing how fast not being able to sleep well will impact mental acuity, concentration, and the rest of it. That is part of why I work so hard to sleep eight hours (and up to ten). Too much sleep, though, can be nearly as detrimental. It is odd how tight our parameters really are, for healthy living. And it is amazing how little can knock me out of that window of health. Just that there amazes me. Men go mad and do end up dead when they can't regulate well. I have learned patience, a bit about temperance, if I am only working on trust.
You know what though? A nap. Yes indeed. I will set the alarm for two hours and I think it will work today. After that, I am hoping to pop a load of laundry in and do one load of dishes. Then look for something to eat. I would also like to call my friend and arrange a shoot-out at the... some place close sometime soon. Oh, and I will be calling the missionaries. I think I will ask if they can help me set up my weights. Light and easy, low and slow, but I feel the need to get back into straight weights again. Empty barbells, dumbells, and curling iron will be a humble start after getting nearly to a 400 bench press and the rest in line with that the last time I started, but... shut up. I suspect it will take me all summer just to get up to spec and begin light loading. Maybe I will surprise myself, but I really won't shove and push, not yet.
Nap time! Have a good day.
.
After getting up to an almost normal day, I found the mail I picked up yesterday. The part for the reloading press was in. I figured it was small, and being tired I did not want to open it right away and lose it. I found the part, installed it, and tried the press. It seems to work, after a bit of fussing. I will do more later. I simply wanted to get to something functional.
I am still rather wiped. Breathing has improved but putting three or four tasks together is still taxing. Between continuing to remove fluid and trying to eat a bit, an apple so far, along with regular sleep and maybe some naps to catch up if I can, it will be a few days before the rig is ready to roll again. I did note, however, that some scratches that weren't healing, weren't even scabbing correctly, have started to heal. I can tell by the itch factor and obvious signs of scabbing in a few cases. Living with cats will mean living with scratches. Rare as they are, since they haven't been healing for some time, they have sort of collected here and there. A good sign, a very good sign.
I do think, if I take things slowly, that I will be able to kick out the dishes and laundry in the next few days. Beyond better breathing, concentration is returning. A good nights sleep helps with that as much as anything else, and I got one last night. It is amazing how fast not being able to sleep well will impact mental acuity, concentration, and the rest of it. That is part of why I work so hard to sleep eight hours (and up to ten). Too much sleep, though, can be nearly as detrimental. It is odd how tight our parameters really are, for healthy living. And it is amazing how little can knock me out of that window of health. Just that there amazes me. Men go mad and do end up dead when they can't regulate well. I have learned patience, a bit about temperance, if I am only working on trust.
You know what though? A nap. Yes indeed. I will set the alarm for two hours and I think it will work today. After that, I am hoping to pop a load of laundry in and do one load of dishes. Then look for something to eat. I would also like to call my friend and arrange a shoot-out at the... some place close sometime soon. Oh, and I will be calling the missionaries. I think I will ask if they can help me set up my weights. Light and easy, low and slow, but I feel the need to get back into straight weights again. Empty barbells, dumbells, and curling iron will be a humble start after getting nearly to a 400 bench press and the rest in line with that the last time I started, but... shut up. I suspect it will take me all summer just to get up to spec and begin light loading. Maybe I will surprise myself, but I really won't shove and push, not yet.
Nap time! Have a good day.
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