.
.
The bloody nose continued until... who knows. I checked ever so often, but it wasn't stopped until after 17:00. Ah well, tomorrow. One thing I wrote in the past, as sort of a funny but possibly true thing, was that my cats got that half sneeze half yawn, then froze that way for a few seconds, thing going with me from time to time. I was suggesting that I affect them oddly. Now, while I had seen that before, when they were near me at times, I wasn't honestly sure it was me. Perhaps a tom had urinated outside my window and it wafted in. Now, however, I know. Sassy came near me today, and saw a drop of blood on my shirt. She sniffed it and... did just what I had described. She smelled my blood two more times and it had the same odd effect each time. I do cause my cats some oddities. Heck, I had just been joking when I wrote about it before. Maybe all human blood makes cats do weird things? Then again, there was no blood the last few times they did that near me. She didn't try to eat or lick the blood though. Dunno. Weird.
Sleep was great. I am actually going to try to get back to bed for a bit, to have a better chance at taking care of everything on my list tomorrow. I have a list made, if I haven't bothered to prioritize it yet. That should only take a few seconds, really, probably. The reason I didn't do it already is that I have a nagging feeling the list isn't complete. I hate that when a few things just aren't coming to mind. Those items can come to mind and upset a plan in progress, usually do. Normally that would be fine but I am in such a rut that a new thing or two could jam the machine, shut down the effort. I am pondering it all and will review things in the morning. Gah! I hate nagging little items that just won't come to mind.
The weather is just about perfect for sleeping, at night. During the day a fan is becoming a requirement. Summer is coming. I really, if I can, after shopping tomorrow, need to get that hole dug. If not tomorrow then the day after. I don't want that project around when it hits 100 F. Further, I have some other physical jobs I would like to get out of the way before the temps climb into the stratosphere. Often, in those times, one can work early in the morning a bit, and sometimes in the later afternoon. But at high noon and for three hours on either side of it work becomes rather harsh. I already have trouble just getting to work, adding further caveats... doesn't help.
I am really behind on things. I simply can't catch a break, or make one. I can do things for a short bit, then I just drop like a sack of potatoes down a well. I'll keep things in mind, looking for the path to work, pushing when I can. If all fails I will just have to figure out another strategy. It's sort of fun, if a little frustrating. Cutting edge, doing whatever you do with the absolute bare minimum of what it takes. Then again, isn't that, to some degree, what life is? If you aren't on that edge, you seek it. Well, at least those who... want a little more.
Good night.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
How is that even possible?
.
.
While slowly prepping to get into town, and heading to the shower, I decided to clean my sinuses. Looks like I blew a gasket. Bloody nose, a real gusher. So, I do my usual, plug and pray. An hour and a half, or two, later and here I sit with a bloody nose, a real gusher. I'm going in to lay down for a bit, maybe it will quit there. Sitting just isn't enough. Tomorrow, to town, I suppose. The girls will just have to endure hard cat food and I will shut the door so Sassy can't try to mug me.
Later.
.
While slowly prepping to get into town, and heading to the shower, I decided to clean my sinuses. Looks like I blew a gasket. Bloody nose, a real gusher. So, I do my usual, plug and pray. An hour and a half, or two, later and here I sit with a bloody nose, a real gusher. I'm going in to lay down for a bit, maybe it will quit there. Sitting just isn't enough. Tomorrow, to town, I suppose. The girls will just have to endure hard cat food and I will shut the door so Sassy can't try to mug me.
Later.
To town?
.
.
I'm still awake. I am not very comfortable with going into town but I might just shove it through anyway. The time is right to get some of the more rarefied things accomplished. The things that require the 9:00 to 5:00 business hours, or thereabouts. Of course, going in weak I have to try and figure out what is best to do, since I might not get it all done. These medicines are absolutely snowing me, that is my problem. Usually, even on a worse health day, I could shove through. That is not the case. What do they put in that stuff, kryptonite?
I noticed that many Catholic institutions are suing for at least changes to Obamacare. The American Bishops council has been pushing universal health care for... a very long time. Before Obama, before Romney, before most people had thought of such a thing in America. I am not sure how far that goes up the chain, whether our Popes have agreed with that or not. For my part, I am very against it. And, I think this case is a perfect example of why to be against it.
While it seems reasonable to believe such a thing can occur, and technically has with Obamacare, the problem is the power it takes to enact such a thing usually develops in, and then is used by, people who are at a minimum antagonistic toward religion and definitely against the Church. The people that would mandate such a thing do it to martial their hold on power, and extend it. Such legislation is not, and never has been, intended to be a boon for the recipients by any governing body to date. Thus, when such power is garnered, then used, no other power can influence it.
I have to believe that American Bishops would know this. While, at times, any group can be somewhat untethered from realities, this group does not have that problem. They are rather well educated, in everything from the Church to history and well beyond that, with intense resources on any matter one could imagine. Some, perhaps many, of them have served in nations where socialism/communism is or was the rule. They have to know it cannot be negotiated with and such legislation as this only feeds the beast that wields that kind of power. Obviously, if at some cost and risks, that power does exist and is held. Perhaps they think this time will be different, like some battered wives? Or are there other problems? The remnants of those from the 60's and 70's are in power. Perhaps the taint has reached it's climax in those quarters? I actually don't know, for sure. I will be... learning more as I can. I simply know that you cannot negotiate with some forms of governments, and the Church should know this better than any. It has been ripped out of Britain, Mexico, and Russia, at least. It allowed the last would-be Holy Roman Emperor to fail for a reason, pulling it's armies back, recalling them to Rome at a critical juncture that would have reforged Europe. It at one time at least knew when the power once supported became too much of a burden... or threat.
I keep seeing little snippets of what people think regarding the teacher who told a student they could be arrested for disagreeing with Zero... give or take. It amazes me that this amazes anyone. Was I the only one who went through public schools? The liberalism in there is insane, and the hubris of the most offensive teachers is out of control. Some of the men teachers, not all of them but some of them, had some wits about this, but little control or power. Coaches were sometimes... half smart too. But mostly they hid these things. Right or wrong, they can't have every smarmy leftist teacher fired. So, what is there to do? I still suggest home schooling. Bring the wife home, have her do this. As for the good men? Use them to coach, in a community athletic department and in other forms of traditional male education, such as woodworking and shop. Get rid of the rest. There is no added cost, much lowered taxes actually, and with more women out of the workplace, the employee marketplace would become a lot better paying, allowing for a better life for families. That's an abbreviated set of events, but It'll get you there.
Hmm, shower, shave, dressing, driving... I'll think about where to go first, what I really have to have, and work out a viable plan before I get to town, see the traffic, and go bugeyed and lose my grip. Having that plan helps, even deciding which way to get into town makes a huge difference. Cities are hot, ugly, mean places. Best to be ready for the hubbub. College towns more so.
Later.
.
I'm still awake. I am not very comfortable with going into town but I might just shove it through anyway. The time is right to get some of the more rarefied things accomplished. The things that require the 9:00 to 5:00 business hours, or thereabouts. Of course, going in weak I have to try and figure out what is best to do, since I might not get it all done. These medicines are absolutely snowing me, that is my problem. Usually, even on a worse health day, I could shove through. That is not the case. What do they put in that stuff, kryptonite?
I noticed that many Catholic institutions are suing for at least changes to Obamacare. The American Bishops council has been pushing universal health care for... a very long time. Before Obama, before Romney, before most people had thought of such a thing in America. I am not sure how far that goes up the chain, whether our Popes have agreed with that or not. For my part, I am very against it. And, I think this case is a perfect example of why to be against it.
While it seems reasonable to believe such a thing can occur, and technically has with Obamacare, the problem is the power it takes to enact such a thing usually develops in, and then is used by, people who are at a minimum antagonistic toward religion and definitely against the Church. The people that would mandate such a thing do it to martial their hold on power, and extend it. Such legislation is not, and never has been, intended to be a boon for the recipients by any governing body to date. Thus, when such power is garnered, then used, no other power can influence it.
I have to believe that American Bishops would know this. While, at times, any group can be somewhat untethered from realities, this group does not have that problem. They are rather well educated, in everything from the Church to history and well beyond that, with intense resources on any matter one could imagine. Some, perhaps many, of them have served in nations where socialism/communism is or was the rule. They have to know it cannot be negotiated with and such legislation as this only feeds the beast that wields that kind of power. Obviously, if at some cost and risks, that power does exist and is held. Perhaps they think this time will be different, like some battered wives? Or are there other problems? The remnants of those from the 60's and 70's are in power. Perhaps the taint has reached it's climax in those quarters? I actually don't know, for sure. I will be... learning more as I can. I simply know that you cannot negotiate with some forms of governments, and the Church should know this better than any. It has been ripped out of Britain, Mexico, and Russia, at least. It allowed the last would-be Holy Roman Emperor to fail for a reason, pulling it's armies back, recalling them to Rome at a critical juncture that would have reforged Europe. It at one time at least knew when the power once supported became too much of a burden... or threat.
I keep seeing little snippets of what people think regarding the teacher who told a student they could be arrested for disagreeing with Zero... give or take. It amazes me that this amazes anyone. Was I the only one who went through public schools? The liberalism in there is insane, and the hubris of the most offensive teachers is out of control. Some of the men teachers, not all of them but some of them, had some wits about this, but little control or power. Coaches were sometimes... half smart too. But mostly they hid these things. Right or wrong, they can't have every smarmy leftist teacher fired. So, what is there to do? I still suggest home schooling. Bring the wife home, have her do this. As for the good men? Use them to coach, in a community athletic department and in other forms of traditional male education, such as woodworking and shop. Get rid of the rest. There is no added cost, much lowered taxes actually, and with more women out of the workplace, the employee marketplace would become a lot better paying, allowing for a better life for families. That's an abbreviated set of events, but It'll get you there.
Hmm, shower, shave, dressing, driving... I'll think about where to go first, what I really have to have, and work out a viable plan before I get to town, see the traffic, and go bugeyed and lose my grip. Having that plan helps, even deciding which way to get into town makes a huge difference. Cities are hot, ugly, mean places. Best to be ready for the hubbub. College towns more so.
Later.
Maybe I am more...
.
.
Fear inducing and terrifying than I thought. I wouldn't know so much with people, more directly and right about now, but I do have cats. And they fear me something awful, if what just happened is any indication. For some reason, when poppo is sitting on the facility, they... gather. I am not European, I do not sit like a woman unless I have no other choice. I yell at my cats from time to time, needing my privacy and such. I became distracted for a bit, my "smart phone" comes in handy in there since news isn't worth reading and I can't really concentrate for longer more interesting truthful tracts, like science fiction, or even history or such when I can find the good dope in those areas. Anyway, after terrifying my cats a couple of times, for encroachment, then going back to my gaming, a little time passed, and I felt something on my ear. A gnat maybe? It was my eldest cat! She was watching me game, over my shoulder! She had climbed up on poppo. I'm going to get a bad name with the ogre society if this ever gets out. I yelled at her and she just... looked me in the eye as if to say, "What's your problem?", and finally relented and got down. Bah!
Then again, most people do view me as rather... forgiving, even nice. And, for most people, that is exactly true. The ones who mean trouble, however, know exactly what I am. They generally take their trouble elsewhere. Even if they knew I had a thousand bucks in my pocket, that isn't worth dying over. Yeah, I see it on the streets when I go to big cities. They know. That is why my former neighbors, the good ones, in Iowa, hated to see me go. The local natives knew the score, so do decent folk. Although women are more like cats, in dealing with me. And, for my part, that's the way I keep it, if I do make them get off my back, when I notice. Ha! Some ogre I turned out to be.
.
Fear inducing and terrifying than I thought. I wouldn't know so much with people, more directly and right about now, but I do have cats. And they fear me something awful, if what just happened is any indication. For some reason, when poppo is sitting on the facility, they... gather. I am not European, I do not sit like a woman unless I have no other choice. I yell at my cats from time to time, needing my privacy and such. I became distracted for a bit, my "smart phone" comes in handy in there since news isn't worth reading and I can't really concentrate for longer more interesting truthful tracts, like science fiction, or even history or such when I can find the good dope in those areas. Anyway, after terrifying my cats a couple of times, for encroachment, then going back to my gaming, a little time passed, and I felt something on my ear. A gnat maybe? It was my eldest cat! She was watching me game, over my shoulder! She had climbed up on poppo. I'm going to get a bad name with the ogre society if this ever gets out. I yelled at her and she just... looked me in the eye as if to say, "What's your problem?", and finally relented and got down. Bah!
Then again, most people do view me as rather... forgiving, even nice. And, for most people, that is exactly true. The ones who mean trouble, however, know exactly what I am. They generally take their trouble elsewhere. Even if they knew I had a thousand bucks in my pocket, that isn't worth dying over. Yeah, I see it on the streets when I go to big cities. They know. That is why my former neighbors, the good ones, in Iowa, hated to see me go. The local natives knew the score, so do decent folk. Although women are more like cats, in dealing with me. And, for my part, that's the way I keep it, if I do make them get off my back, when I notice. Ha! Some ogre I turned out to be.
If you are going to sleep...
.
.
I hit it at about 10:00, give or take. I may have used the bathroom a time or two, can't be sure what was dream and what was real. I heard the doorbell at about 18:30? Something. Dinner had arrived! I tried to be cordial and show gratitude. Paying or not, be thankful, grateful, always. Having just awaken I was still going through waking twitches though. I can only hope I seemed pleasant. I ate in a hurry. Hungry! Yes. Then I crashed again. I slept until 1:30 or so. I have zero control of my sleep at this point, the medicine is doing it's thing. At least I have been having longer uptimes. I have been tending a few things.
I just put the dishes in a clean new soak. I will still have another load, or two, of dishes. All good. I really hope to get at least one of them done tonight. I don't feel too bad. With food coming in, some in my fridge, and a bit of caffeine in the form of coffee, I am not... doing too badly. But I have to get into town very soon. Tobacco is on it's last bits, while I have caffeine I am running low on milk (a requirement for me for coffee), the rest of the beans need ham, but most importantly I am running out of wet cat food. Oh the girls howl when they have only hard cat food. Sassy, the little one, becomes a little thug. She WILL claw, nip, harass, mewl, meow, and otherwise let me know she is NOT happy. Sam is good with it, for a short bit. That actually doesn't bug me though, don't care. Sassy doesn't always get what she wants I don't care how mad she gets. What bothers me is that, now that I have them used to a partial feed mix, I feel honor bound to continue it. My conscience, you see. That bugs me in sleep and wakefulness. That little detail is one of the things that makes me sweat marriage. How much more so a woman than a cat? YOUCH!
I have had some dentists tell me, from the x-rays, that I had extra molars coming back in. I know all of them where removed in the Navy, a requirement for submarine duty. I have had other dentists say there is nothing there, more recently. I wonder though, did they pull the extra molars at some time? I might have forgotten such a thing in one of my fogs. It seems, whatever the case, that something is trying to dig it's way out, again, behind my upper left set of teeth. It has torn the skin a bit and it sure feels like it did it from the inside. The area is sore. And I think I feel bone like material under there. Another another molar? Could be, or dentists have no idea what they are talking about on any given day either. Bah!
Hmm, well, a bit of time waking, then maybe dishes and another shower, and if I can rise to the level of action, a trip to town in a few hours. If I can get in there during the daylight, I can do many more things... if I can... maintain actionability. I may get in, hit two or three (or fewer) stores, and absolutely crash. That is why I don't like leaving home in these times. It is akin to leaving home with hard, occasional, unpredictable, diarrhea. You just don't know when, where, or how difficult or impossible to contain, an occurrence may be. Though I have never fallen asleep at the wheel I have had to push it to get home. Exhaustion can hit like a sledgehammer. Though, one trick that makes severity less likely is to wait until I am hungry and not eat while in town. Buying a meal on the way out of town, or getting food I can easily prepare when I get home, makes staying awake a lot easier too. Hunger is my friend. The promise of feeding that hunger is also an ally. So too is any kind of pain, so long as it is sharp, instantaneous, and controllable. I just don't go there, and would only do so for something vital. Three heavy rubber bands around my wrist would do nicely. But there would eventually be scarring. I need pretty heavy pain to get through the numbness. As I said, I don't, and won't, go there, save if the cause were life and death.
Later.
.
I hit it at about 10:00, give or take. I may have used the bathroom a time or two, can't be sure what was dream and what was real. I heard the doorbell at about 18:30? Something. Dinner had arrived! I tried to be cordial and show gratitude. Paying or not, be thankful, grateful, always. Having just awaken I was still going through waking twitches though. I can only hope I seemed pleasant. I ate in a hurry. Hungry! Yes. Then I crashed again. I slept until 1:30 or so. I have zero control of my sleep at this point, the medicine is doing it's thing. At least I have been having longer uptimes. I have been tending a few things.
I just put the dishes in a clean new soak. I will still have another load, or two, of dishes. All good. I really hope to get at least one of them done tonight. I don't feel too bad. With food coming in, some in my fridge, and a bit of caffeine in the form of coffee, I am not... doing too badly. But I have to get into town very soon. Tobacco is on it's last bits, while I have caffeine I am running low on milk (a requirement for me for coffee), the rest of the beans need ham, but most importantly I am running out of wet cat food. Oh the girls howl when they have only hard cat food. Sassy, the little one, becomes a little thug. She WILL claw, nip, harass, mewl, meow, and otherwise let me know she is NOT happy. Sam is good with it, for a short bit. That actually doesn't bug me though, don't care. Sassy doesn't always get what she wants I don't care how mad she gets. What bothers me is that, now that I have them used to a partial feed mix, I feel honor bound to continue it. My conscience, you see. That bugs me in sleep and wakefulness. That little detail is one of the things that makes me sweat marriage. How much more so a woman than a cat? YOUCH!
I have had some dentists tell me, from the x-rays, that I had extra molars coming back in. I know all of them where removed in the Navy, a requirement for submarine duty. I have had other dentists say there is nothing there, more recently. I wonder though, did they pull the extra molars at some time? I might have forgotten such a thing in one of my fogs. It seems, whatever the case, that something is trying to dig it's way out, again, behind my upper left set of teeth. It has torn the skin a bit and it sure feels like it did it from the inside. The area is sore. And I think I feel bone like material under there. Another another molar? Could be, or dentists have no idea what they are talking about on any given day either. Bah!
Hmm, well, a bit of time waking, then maybe dishes and another shower, and if I can rise to the level of action, a trip to town in a few hours. If I can get in there during the daylight, I can do many more things... if I can... maintain actionability. I may get in, hit two or three (or fewer) stores, and absolutely crash. That is why I don't like leaving home in these times. It is akin to leaving home with hard, occasional, unpredictable, diarrhea. You just don't know when, where, or how difficult or impossible to contain, an occurrence may be. Though I have never fallen asleep at the wheel I have had to push it to get home. Exhaustion can hit like a sledgehammer. Though, one trick that makes severity less likely is to wait until I am hungry and not eat while in town. Buying a meal on the way out of town, or getting food I can easily prepare when I get home, makes staying awake a lot easier too. Hunger is my friend. The promise of feeding that hunger is also an ally. So too is any kind of pain, so long as it is sharp, instantaneous, and controllable. I just don't go there, and would only do so for something vital. Three heavy rubber bands around my wrist would do nicely. But there would eventually be scarring. I need pretty heavy pain to get through the numbness. As I said, I don't, and won't, go there, save if the cause were life and death.
Later.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Who, me?
.
.
No, I'm having a ball. Sleep is still screwy, gnats are a pain, work is at a standstill, but life is good. Oh, real gnats. The other thing was more like a gnat of the mind and no more of a problem. A little testosterone and reason to put that bug to rest. I am hoping to hit town sometime today. I would like to buy a couple stacks of tuna, maybe a stack of canned chicken, and some other food. Enough for about three months on top of filling the pantry upstairs for a month. I hope to put it all in some kind of a rotation. Maybe canned veggies and fruits too. While I am at it I will look the store over a bit better. I am almost sure they will have freeze dried and dehydrated foods, though I could be wrong. Just a few cans of pre-mixed recipes, beef stroganoff and beef stew, for example, for really easy meals. It is not perfect but it is about as much as I can reasonably plan to be able to use.
Ah! I got the trash and recycling out, plus the kitty litter dealt with. I had been meaning to do that Friday. Which seems about perfect. If I had simply tried to do it Sunday I would have had it out by Tuesday. I do put in effort, I simply have been getting swamped and confused by sleep issues and hunger, though I often miss the target regardless. Planning to do things Friday gets it done by Monday morning. I will be skipping chili, for now. But another pan of beef, beans, and rice sans rice should be quite good. And rather than try to mix a batch of chili, while I am in town I may pick up a good small smoked ham to add to the rest of the beans, along with sour cream and milk. Yum! Sour cream takes a nominal bean or bean and ham soup and turns it into super yum. Milk just does a body good. Whole milk, three gallons a week now that spring is here. Like I said, my arteries are as clean as a whistle, I might as well enjoy that.
I wrote an article for a men's site. I have advised the owner of the site of my wish to publish it there. Oh, no money is involved. Nor is there fame. This is simply the beginning of something, perhaps. As I... begin exploring my notions regarding women, figuring out what has worked that is salvageable from the past and what is simply not functional given my new goals, and of course as I put those into practice, I would like to write about the experience. Win, lose, or draw I hope some other guy out there can decipher something and go on to a win. Marriage is a dirty job but somebody has to do it. Being willing isn't enough. Being able isn't enough. What is enough? I simply hope to find out, or learn something as I try to figure it out.
The next time I am in town at the right time I hope to see what is available with regards to sauteed cerveaux. With the freakiness about some issues, perhaps calf will not be available. Lamb or even pig might do. It is difficult to gauge how "protective" the government has gotten on some issues. If I can find a source, even if it isn't available immediately, I would be quite pleased. Oh, don't get all squeamish. Besides, if we are going to bother disturbing the life of an animal for it's edible parts, we owe it to the beast to use those parts fully. As well, I should much more easily find items by which to prepare sweetbreads. Uhrm, as soon as I come into my own a bit better. Just having a source will ease my mind on these things.
Have a great day.
.
No, I'm having a ball. Sleep is still screwy, gnats are a pain, work is at a standstill, but life is good. Oh, real gnats. The other thing was more like a gnat of the mind and no more of a problem. A little testosterone and reason to put that bug to rest. I am hoping to hit town sometime today. I would like to buy a couple stacks of tuna, maybe a stack of canned chicken, and some other food. Enough for about three months on top of filling the pantry upstairs for a month. I hope to put it all in some kind of a rotation. Maybe canned veggies and fruits too. While I am at it I will look the store over a bit better. I am almost sure they will have freeze dried and dehydrated foods, though I could be wrong. Just a few cans of pre-mixed recipes, beef stroganoff and beef stew, for example, for really easy meals. It is not perfect but it is about as much as I can reasonably plan to be able to use.
Ah! I got the trash and recycling out, plus the kitty litter dealt with. I had been meaning to do that Friday. Which seems about perfect. If I had simply tried to do it Sunday I would have had it out by Tuesday. I do put in effort, I simply have been getting swamped and confused by sleep issues and hunger, though I often miss the target regardless. Planning to do things Friday gets it done by Monday morning. I will be skipping chili, for now. But another pan of beef, beans, and rice sans rice should be quite good. And rather than try to mix a batch of chili, while I am in town I may pick up a good small smoked ham to add to the rest of the beans, along with sour cream and milk. Yum! Sour cream takes a nominal bean or bean and ham soup and turns it into super yum. Milk just does a body good. Whole milk, three gallons a week now that spring is here. Like I said, my arteries are as clean as a whistle, I might as well enjoy that.
I wrote an article for a men's site. I have advised the owner of the site of my wish to publish it there. Oh, no money is involved. Nor is there fame. This is simply the beginning of something, perhaps. As I... begin exploring my notions regarding women, figuring out what has worked that is salvageable from the past and what is simply not functional given my new goals, and of course as I put those into practice, I would like to write about the experience. Win, lose, or draw I hope some other guy out there can decipher something and go on to a win. Marriage is a dirty job but somebody has to do it. Being willing isn't enough. Being able isn't enough. What is enough? I simply hope to find out, or learn something as I try to figure it out.
The next time I am in town at the right time I hope to see what is available with regards to sauteed cerveaux. With the freakiness about some issues, perhaps calf will not be available. Lamb or even pig might do. It is difficult to gauge how "protective" the government has gotten on some issues. If I can find a source, even if it isn't available immediately, I would be quite pleased. Oh, don't get all squeamish. Besides, if we are going to bother disturbing the life of an animal for it's edible parts, we owe it to the beast to use those parts fully. As well, I should much more easily find items by which to prepare sweetbreads. Uhrm, as soon as I come into my own a bit better. Just having a source will ease my mind on these things.
Have a great day.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Sleep, and food, and sleep!?
.
.
So, how have YOU been.
Finally being able to sleep helped. A few thumps from my ribs while sleeping, but pretty much good otherwise. Upon waking a couple of hour or so ago, I took a shower, then back to bed for a bit. I heated beef and beans, after stirring again. Still quite tasty. Unfortunately I may be headed right back to bed. It is not the life anyone hopes for. But I am pretty sure if I get through this a bit it will get better, for a while.
Hmm, it looks like I pissed off a whole peck of women. And I feel really guilty, about like when I run through a swarm of bugs while driving. The only difference is I don't need to scrub the gunk off my windows. About the women who put up with violence? They do it for love, they sacrifice. For the family, for their children, for their husband, and even for themselves in the long run. I do have some respect for that. The others? What about them, I went there.
I wonder if I might just be grumpy, in a foul mood. But, no. Not on this. I've dealt with the issue in too many aspects of my life, with the exception of my own relationships. As I said, I simply never felt the need to beat a woman, even when she seemed to want it. I've had enough of violence and women aren't up to what I can give, most men aren't. I don't need violence when forced to call bullshit on a woman or deal with her forms of childishness, and no woman has seen fit to try violence on me... more than once. None of my women, alas at times, feared me either. Angry as I get, howling at the moon, some of them just... giggled, or even swatted at my notions. Sad but true, once they knew me well. Women even enjoyed arguing with me, even the last if she didn't realize it. What most of them realized was that they were safe to say anything to me. If too, an ill spoken word would get a verbal retort that might well rip right through their body, mind, and right to their soul if they wanted to pursue something egregiously... like this discussion, and wouldn't let it go. Oh yes, I did hear a yelp, but I think now it wasn't just one. Lots of skulkers out in them thar bushes. What is it they say about hollowpoints? Through the bush, off the rock... nothing but mush. I love twofers, but hundredfers? Love 'em a million times more. Love is not linear, you know.
Two hours up, with a micro-nap in there, give or take. Bed time again, even so. Man those meds kick my butt in the beginning.
Good night, again.
.
So, how have YOU been.
Finally being able to sleep helped. A few thumps from my ribs while sleeping, but pretty much good otherwise. Upon waking a couple of hour or so ago, I took a shower, then back to bed for a bit. I heated beef and beans, after stirring again. Still quite tasty. Unfortunately I may be headed right back to bed. It is not the life anyone hopes for. But I am pretty sure if I get through this a bit it will get better, for a while.
Hmm, it looks like I pissed off a whole peck of women. And I feel really guilty, about like when I run through a swarm of bugs while driving. The only difference is I don't need to scrub the gunk off my windows. About the women who put up with violence? They do it for love, they sacrifice. For the family, for their children, for their husband, and even for themselves in the long run. I do have some respect for that. The others? What about them, I went there.
I wonder if I might just be grumpy, in a foul mood. But, no. Not on this. I've dealt with the issue in too many aspects of my life, with the exception of my own relationships. As I said, I simply never felt the need to beat a woman, even when she seemed to want it. I've had enough of violence and women aren't up to what I can give, most men aren't. I don't need violence when forced to call bullshit on a woman or deal with her forms of childishness, and no woman has seen fit to try violence on me... more than once. None of my women, alas at times, feared me either. Angry as I get, howling at the moon, some of them just... giggled, or even swatted at my notions. Sad but true, once they knew me well. Women even enjoyed arguing with me, even the last if she didn't realize it. What most of them realized was that they were safe to say anything to me. If too, an ill spoken word would get a verbal retort that might well rip right through their body, mind, and right to their soul if they wanted to pursue something egregiously... like this discussion, and wouldn't let it go. Oh yes, I did hear a yelp, but I think now it wasn't just one. Lots of skulkers out in them thar bushes. What is it they say about hollowpoints? Through the bush, off the rock... nothing but mush. I love twofers, but hundredfers? Love 'em a million times more. Love is not linear, you know.
Two hours up, with a micro-nap in there, give or take. Bed time again, even so. Man those meds kick my butt in the beginning.
Good night, again.
Ah, there is the problem.
.
.
I wondered why I had gone from total exhaustion to a more normal level of incapacity. As I went to take today's medicine, for Saturday of course, I thought just for a second, then checked. Ah, I missed medicine Saturday. No, no worries, I'll catch up. Technically they say if you missed, you are just supposed to move on. And sometimes I do that. Not this time. I am doing well enough, even with excessive sleep. I will be on the higher amount soon enough. And I really need to get the bp down. I won't check my bp every day, or even every other day actually. A few times a week I will get curious. It doesn't change that much or very fast.
Hmm, it's bed time again. At least I had a long run. It was good to be awake enough to actually have two meals, reasonably. Better yet I was able to cook enough food to see me through for a while with my last uptime. Even with food coming in I have to do my part. At least there is the food coming in though, as a hedge against complete deprivation. Though I seem to have survived that, too. It just cuts some of the edge off of things.
Good morning and good night.
.
I wondered why I had gone from total exhaustion to a more normal level of incapacity. As I went to take today's medicine, for Saturday of course, I thought just for a second, then checked. Ah, I missed medicine Saturday. No, no worries, I'll catch up. Technically they say if you missed, you are just supposed to move on. And sometimes I do that. Not this time. I am doing well enough, even with excessive sleep. I will be on the higher amount soon enough. And I really need to get the bp down. I won't check my bp every day, or even every other day actually. A few times a week I will get curious. It doesn't change that much or very fast.
Hmm, it's bed time again. At least I had a long run. It was good to be awake enough to actually have two meals, reasonably. Better yet I was able to cook enough food to see me through for a while with my last uptime. Even with food coming in I have to do my part. At least there is the food coming in though, as a hedge against complete deprivation. Though I seem to have survived that, too. It just cuts some of the edge off of things.
Good morning and good night.
Still awake, just unsure.
.
.
Oh, sure, I get comfortable and used to one set of circumstances to turn around and have to change my expectations and habits. Now sleep won't come. That part of it is fine, I really enjoy being awake. Though this wakefulness is more akin to... a middling thing. It is something between sleep and being fully awake. And my day schedule seems shot. I'll keep working on it.
I noted, myself, that the more I knew when going to college, the less I liked about what I was seeing. Though I never finished school, I have tinkered with computers for some number of years on the side. Electronics, computers, devices, communications... I started to realize that they are completely untenable regarding security, privacy, and such. Paranoid, I was called. No, not really.
This is just one of two men, recently, who have commented on this topic. These aren't grumpy old men in pajamas, railing at a world long lost. These are IT security people, and not the ones at the bottom of the chain. Actually, if you have someone who works in the field, talk to them some time. If you want to see a chill go down their spine, ask if they think government secrets, weapons systems, or nuclear plants are secure. The look on their face will tell you. Now, how much more secure are those things than your machine? Yeah... There is not much to do about it at this point. Just... offering some proof. Don't get all fussy, just understand.
I am still not sure what is going to happen, or when, regarding shopping, work, or anything. I'm in the gray zone. I can still point, laugh, grimace, try to sneak up on my kittehs (if not usually very successfully), or just... write. It's something.
Later, good night, or whatever.
.
Oh, sure, I get comfortable and used to one set of circumstances to turn around and have to change my expectations and habits. Now sleep won't come. That part of it is fine, I really enjoy being awake. Though this wakefulness is more akin to... a middling thing. It is something between sleep and being fully awake. And my day schedule seems shot. I'll keep working on it.
I noted, myself, that the more I knew when going to college, the less I liked about what I was seeing. Though I never finished school, I have tinkered with computers for some number of years on the side. Electronics, computers, devices, communications... I started to realize that they are completely untenable regarding security, privacy, and such. Paranoid, I was called. No, not really.
This is just one of two men, recently, who have commented on this topic. These aren't grumpy old men in pajamas, railing at a world long lost. These are IT security people, and not the ones at the bottom of the chain. Actually, if you have someone who works in the field, talk to them some time. If you want to see a chill go down their spine, ask if they think government secrets, weapons systems, or nuclear plants are secure. The look on their face will tell you. Now, how much more secure are those things than your machine? Yeah... There is not much to do about it at this point. Just... offering some proof. Don't get all fussy, just understand.
I am still not sure what is going to happen, or when, regarding shopping, work, or anything. I'm in the gray zone. I can still point, laugh, grimace, try to sneak up on my kittehs (if not usually very successfully), or just... write. It's something.
Later, good night, or whatever.
Sure, all sleep to no sleep.
.
.
Then again, a sensed need is a rather odd thing. I thought I "needed" sleep again. After that last post I went in to sleep. Nothing doing. I got up but realized... I am pretty much out of my main caffeine! Coffee? Well, yes. It's pretty old. I checked, no mold or such. I do buy it as whole beans, which helps. I no longer have an electric coffee grinder, just a hand powered one. It takes less than a minute to grind five dosers of coffee. I am not sure how tonight will work out. I would like to get to town for my typical caffeine. And I am on my last bit of tobacco, so that would be good to get whatever more of it I can. While I want to shop for more milk, with my containers still lent out the beans are in the cooking pot, which means I can't put three gallons in the larger space in my refrigerator at the moment. Hmm, maybe an extra gallon, for now. By the way, no one should ever allow a giant to take a 20 pound bag of beans and a 20 quart cooking pot while figuring out how many beans to make. Holy moly, I bet I have three to five pounds of beans cooked up! It sure looks good though!
Every time I grind coffee by hand I have to laugh. My last woman was SOOO into non-electric, thinking everyone should go hand powered, bicycle, and such. If she had the power she would have forced the issue. And she is a slave to coffee. Still she refuses to do this simple chore, to include not accepting such a device as a gift. It takes too long, dontcha know? Why do I use the hand grinder, being a pro-big footprint type of guy (really, I am)? Because I think the grid will go down, short or long term, at some point. Soda won't be available (if coffee might come to a short supply too, to a degree, I usually have enough on hand to ween myself a bit). Still, my grinder, as a tool, could very well provide a minor industry for me. The other thing is that I don't personally drink coffee enough myself to consider the expense of a good grinder. Now I really like women, loved a few more or less, but I won't put up with the insanity, at all, anymore. Go find a wet behind the ears pup. Just understand, everything that draws you to a man? Will be what you end up hating him the most for. Our strengths also mirror or hide our weaknesses. Oh, I keep all that in mind while I am exploring women. Women who I won't let get away with bullshit to me, not even in person. Less so.
Smoked almonds and white sweet coffee while I... put my life into some kind of order. While I am decent spatially, in that with a little practice and sometimes still regarding some sockets, I just know the size. And, I can look at a bolt and get pretty close to the right fit right away, if I don't hit it right on the first time. I can fit a screwdriver into either a philips or standard head without crossing my eyes or using two hands as well. What I can't do is pack a car or such, unless I go very slowly. Even then, I would rather toss it in and... use muscle to make the damned door close! My life is more like packing a car. Assuming health is good that is. I could, if I go slowly, do many things more correctly. But I realize I don't have the time. If I don't pack it in and go I might not end up going. Yeah, I know, this is where a woman could help. And help a bunch. So long as she was faster at it than I would have been. My last was good but slow... and quite obstinate. The one before her was middling, but much younger too, in her early 20's. She might have been able to learn speed. There were a few short term things in there, but the longer term one before those was fantastic. If she could have had kids, she would have caught me. She was a... well... perfect woman. And she wasn't a doormat, called me on my b.s., and sometimes with a very brilliantly disarming smile. Well, there was that. She handled me like a pro. Other than that we both cheated... She was the one I was... becoming honest with. It wasn't perfect, we both knew it, but we both... tried... forgave... even looked the other way sometimes. I know that isn't perfect, but it... was a good thing. Given the shape I was in.
Hmm, I might have some beef and beans in a bit. I am going to try and eat smaller portions of that. Oh, I love it. It's just, if I want to get anything done, I have to eat a little less. It's difficult to do with foods I love. Then again, that first meal was the first meal in several days. I used a whole teaspoon of my hot cayenne in that pan. And I nose it! Yum! I made it, to my tastes, just right, all around. If the kitchen were cleaner, or if I get to that before long, I would make tortillas. As is I will probably buy a few from the store. I can't find Momma-Mia brand out here, those were absolutely fantastic, inexpensive, and like home-made. I still haven't found perfect tortillas. I think the difference in altitude and humidity means some foods or recipes won't work out here. Either they can't be made the same way or aren't shelf stable enough in the different clime. Some of it is just regional limitations of companies too. I still haven't found tortillas that I believe are THE ones, or even get a passing grade. Then again, I have heard that preparing them out here is done a little differently, I haven't learned that trick. Some wife mentioned it and I forgot to follow up in exact detail...
A bit more goofing then I will consider whether to go to bed and hope to be up in time to be in town during the hours certain of my preferred shops will be open or whether I will just go in, get what I can to scratch a few days or a week out with guaranteed supplies. I would rather gamble short than gamble long and still miss out, for now, I think. Then again, it depends on my ability to stay awake long enough to shower, shave, dress, and then hit the road. I never really know, it's all guesswork and luck.
Later.
.
Then again, a sensed need is a rather odd thing. I thought I "needed" sleep again. After that last post I went in to sleep. Nothing doing. I got up but realized... I am pretty much out of my main caffeine! Coffee? Well, yes. It's pretty old. I checked, no mold or such. I do buy it as whole beans, which helps. I no longer have an electric coffee grinder, just a hand powered one. It takes less than a minute to grind five dosers of coffee. I am not sure how tonight will work out. I would like to get to town for my typical caffeine. And I am on my last bit of tobacco, so that would be good to get whatever more of it I can. While I want to shop for more milk, with my containers still lent out the beans are in the cooking pot, which means I can't put three gallons in the larger space in my refrigerator at the moment. Hmm, maybe an extra gallon, for now. By the way, no one should ever allow a giant to take a 20 pound bag of beans and a 20 quart cooking pot while figuring out how many beans to make. Holy moly, I bet I have three to five pounds of beans cooked up! It sure looks good though!
Every time I grind coffee by hand I have to laugh. My last woman was SOOO into non-electric, thinking everyone should go hand powered, bicycle, and such. If she had the power she would have forced the issue. And she is a slave to coffee. Still she refuses to do this simple chore, to include not accepting such a device as a gift. It takes too long, dontcha know? Why do I use the hand grinder, being a pro-big footprint type of guy (really, I am)? Because I think the grid will go down, short or long term, at some point. Soda won't be available (if coffee might come to a short supply too, to a degree, I usually have enough on hand to ween myself a bit). Still, my grinder, as a tool, could very well provide a minor industry for me. The other thing is that I don't personally drink coffee enough myself to consider the expense of a good grinder. Now I really like women, loved a few more or less, but I won't put up with the insanity, at all, anymore. Go find a wet behind the ears pup. Just understand, everything that draws you to a man? Will be what you end up hating him the most for. Our strengths also mirror or hide our weaknesses. Oh, I keep all that in mind while I am exploring women. Women who I won't let get away with bullshit to me, not even in person. Less so.
Smoked almonds and white sweet coffee while I... put my life into some kind of order. While I am decent spatially, in that with a little practice and sometimes still regarding some sockets, I just know the size. And, I can look at a bolt and get pretty close to the right fit right away, if I don't hit it right on the first time. I can fit a screwdriver into either a philips or standard head without crossing my eyes or using two hands as well. What I can't do is pack a car or such, unless I go very slowly. Even then, I would rather toss it in and... use muscle to make the damned door close! My life is more like packing a car. Assuming health is good that is. I could, if I go slowly, do many things more correctly. But I realize I don't have the time. If I don't pack it in and go I might not end up going. Yeah, I know, this is where a woman could help. And help a bunch. So long as she was faster at it than I would have been. My last was good but slow... and quite obstinate. The one before her was middling, but much younger too, in her early 20's. She might have been able to learn speed. There were a few short term things in there, but the longer term one before those was fantastic. If she could have had kids, she would have caught me. She was a... well... perfect woman. And she wasn't a doormat, called me on my b.s., and sometimes with a very brilliantly disarming smile. Well, there was that. She handled me like a pro. Other than that we both cheated... She was the one I was... becoming honest with. It wasn't perfect, we both knew it, but we both... tried... forgave... even looked the other way sometimes. I know that isn't perfect, but it... was a good thing. Given the shape I was in.
Hmm, I might have some beef and beans in a bit. I am going to try and eat smaller portions of that. Oh, I love it. It's just, if I want to get anything done, I have to eat a little less. It's difficult to do with foods I love. Then again, that first meal was the first meal in several days. I used a whole teaspoon of my hot cayenne in that pan. And I nose it! Yum! I made it, to my tastes, just right, all around. If the kitchen were cleaner, or if I get to that before long, I would make tortillas. As is I will probably buy a few from the store. I can't find Momma-Mia brand out here, those were absolutely fantastic, inexpensive, and like home-made. I still haven't found perfect tortillas. I think the difference in altitude and humidity means some foods or recipes won't work out here. Either they can't be made the same way or aren't shelf stable enough in the different clime. Some of it is just regional limitations of companies too. I still haven't found tortillas that I believe are THE ones, or even get a passing grade. Then again, I have heard that preparing them out here is done a little differently, I haven't learned that trick. Some wife mentioned it and I forgot to follow up in exact detail...
A bit more goofing then I will consider whether to go to bed and hope to be up in time to be in town during the hours certain of my preferred shops will be open or whether I will just go in, get what I can to scratch a few days or a week out with guaranteed supplies. I would rather gamble short than gamble long and still miss out, for now, I think. Then again, it depends on my ability to stay awake long enough to shower, shave, dress, and then hit the road. I never really know, it's all guesswork and luck.
Later.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
You know?
.
.
After chronic shortages in the last decade of my life, whether of tobacco, milk, food, or just about anything perishable or consumable, my life has really improved. Even this winter became somewhat problematic until I simply put my foot down. While I simply can't buy enough of everything to not run out, I can make it so that I have some extra, extra, on hand, so that when I get low I have enough of a hedge to see me to enough health that I have the time to get the goods. And, really, that has been working exceedingly well. Along with that, though, is the fact that I have not been getting as sick for as long. Sure, there were times this winter that seemed to stretch forever. Even then, from time to time, I could steal out of my home.
I am running low on caffeine and tobacco. It is time to get in to the stores. With food made, if after a short starvation mode, I have the energy reserves to go get what I need. The thing is, if any one thing breaks down, the rest will break down very quickly as well. I can't go without certain things for long without the whole system crashing. And, when it crashes, I can stay down for long periods. Now, that is going to happen anyway. But if you add them together life gets seriously rough. Life has gotten a lot better out here. I just need to learn how to weather the winters a bit better. This fall I am hoping to get the sun lamp set up, somewhere comfortable. Perhaps spend an hour reading, or practicing the bead work, or whatever works to keep me settled enough to soak in the fake but chemically functional sun.
My last lady friend called today. Indeed, she insisted, she is not dead. *bugle sounds* She's too mean to die, anyway. Oh, she can be just a dandy lady, then turn around and have a hissy fit or tantrum as good as even me! I like to think she has them more often though. And some aspects she has going are better then some of mine. She is definitely a fussy unhappy woman when she can find a way to be. She is working a second job this summer. She is working to pay off bills, for which she gets three stars. If she reaches her goal without increasing debt, she gets five stars. And if she pays off two cards? I dunno. I always wanted to help her, it will be in two years or more, if I can afford it, I will send a small but big little something. A lot of if's. She hasn't been canoeing this year yet. She'll get too it before long, she has a good group of friends for that, finally. Oh, don't even go there. If I did anything it was to prod her to finally go out and find friends. I even may have been the one to get her back in the canoe, something she loved, if my size ultimately made the thing not a happy thing for her. We went swimming far to often for her tastes. I helped finance some things. I encouraged her. Before me she honest to God had no friends. None that she liked? Yeah, pretty much. It is nice to watch her blossom. From afar.
A trip to town, sometime this afternoon or later. Caffeine and whatever I can find for tobacco. The best stores for these things probably aren't open. If I can get just enough to tide me over until I can be in town at the right times though. I hate going short but it beats going out. I have food ready, easy to load up with, and for a decent amount of time. I do need milk and sour cream. I am getting better about keeping things on hand, doing well enough that for the most, but it's still a slog. The rest of my life will be a hard slog, nothing can be taken for granted, nothing will be easy, and it is only going to get worse, one way or another. When one of those songs back in previous posts discusses wishing to dream again, it isn't about dreams at night, it is about dreams of a future. Those, for me, are gone. I don't look too closely, but I know only nightmares remain.
Good day.
.
After chronic shortages in the last decade of my life, whether of tobacco, milk, food, or just about anything perishable or consumable, my life has really improved. Even this winter became somewhat problematic until I simply put my foot down. While I simply can't buy enough of everything to not run out, I can make it so that I have some extra, extra, on hand, so that when I get low I have enough of a hedge to see me to enough health that I have the time to get the goods. And, really, that has been working exceedingly well. Along with that, though, is the fact that I have not been getting as sick for as long. Sure, there were times this winter that seemed to stretch forever. Even then, from time to time, I could steal out of my home.
I am running low on caffeine and tobacco. It is time to get in to the stores. With food made, if after a short starvation mode, I have the energy reserves to go get what I need. The thing is, if any one thing breaks down, the rest will break down very quickly as well. I can't go without certain things for long without the whole system crashing. And, when it crashes, I can stay down for long periods. Now, that is going to happen anyway. But if you add them together life gets seriously rough. Life has gotten a lot better out here. I just need to learn how to weather the winters a bit better. This fall I am hoping to get the sun lamp set up, somewhere comfortable. Perhaps spend an hour reading, or practicing the bead work, or whatever works to keep me settled enough to soak in the fake but chemically functional sun.
My last lady friend called today. Indeed, she insisted, she is not dead. *bugle sounds* She's too mean to die, anyway. Oh, she can be just a dandy lady, then turn around and have a hissy fit or tantrum as good as even me! I like to think she has them more often though. And some aspects she has going are better then some of mine. She is definitely a fussy unhappy woman when she can find a way to be. She is working a second job this summer. She is working to pay off bills, for which she gets three stars. If she reaches her goal without increasing debt, she gets five stars. And if she pays off two cards? I dunno. I always wanted to help her, it will be in two years or more, if I can afford it, I will send a small but big little something. A lot of if's. She hasn't been canoeing this year yet. She'll get too it before long, she has a good group of friends for that, finally. Oh, don't even go there. If I did anything it was to prod her to finally go out and find friends. I even may have been the one to get her back in the canoe, something she loved, if my size ultimately made the thing not a happy thing for her. We went swimming far to often for her tastes. I helped finance some things. I encouraged her. Before me she honest to God had no friends. None that she liked? Yeah, pretty much. It is nice to watch her blossom. From afar.
A trip to town, sometime this afternoon or later. Caffeine and whatever I can find for tobacco. The best stores for these things probably aren't open. If I can get just enough to tide me over until I can be in town at the right times though. I hate going short but it beats going out. I have food ready, easy to load up with, and for a decent amount of time. I do need milk and sour cream. I am getting better about keeping things on hand, doing well enough that for the most, but it's still a slog. The rest of my life will be a hard slog, nothing can be taken for granted, nothing will be easy, and it is only going to get worse, one way or another. When one of those songs back in previous posts discusses wishing to dream again, it isn't about dreams at night, it is about dreams of a future. Those, for me, are gone. I don't look too closely, but I know only nightmares remain.
Good day.
Beef, beans, and rice!
.
.
With shredded cheese, chopped onion, garlic, enough hot stuff to clear my sinuses quite nicely. Half beef, half beans, no rice. Yeah, okay, I admit it. I almost hate rice, white rice for sure. Enriched or not, white rice is pretty boring. Brown rice is good but takes a pot of it's own and a good long time to cook. I had the beans going and didn't want to try to mess with rice on top of it. Two decent bowls of the gooey goodness and life is set to rights again.
The only real problem I have is, being well fed, I am about to lose consciousness. Oh, but my belly is thanking me. I am sure it will begin playing a tune shortly. I will be ignorantly blissful for the first movement. The later movements will see me on my feet. Heading to were music is more joyfully appreciated. While beans don't really give me problems, eating a large meal after days of hunger will. All good. There is nothing quite so good as having a good bm after days of nothing. It gets everything sort of going back on the right track.
It is a perfect day to work. Depending on how long I sleep, if the hole isn't an absolute mud pit, I am hoping to get out when I wake. After working, another bowl of goo, then probably another nap. One thing I have noted from past difficulties is that, as I begin eating again, each meal hits me like a sludge hammer, driving me back into full on exhaustion. It will do this for some period of time, until I adjust to eating again. I have to think snakes know this, alligators and crocodiles too. Hmm, some might even think I AM a snake? Only mice. :p
Have a great day.
.
With shredded cheese, chopped onion, garlic, enough hot stuff to clear my sinuses quite nicely. Half beef, half beans, no rice. Yeah, okay, I admit it. I almost hate rice, white rice for sure. Enriched or not, white rice is pretty boring. Brown rice is good but takes a pot of it's own and a good long time to cook. I had the beans going and didn't want to try to mess with rice on top of it. Two decent bowls of the gooey goodness and life is set to rights again.
The only real problem I have is, being well fed, I am about to lose consciousness. Oh, but my belly is thanking me. I am sure it will begin playing a tune shortly. I will be ignorantly blissful for the first movement. The later movements will see me on my feet. Heading to were music is more joyfully appreciated. While beans don't really give me problems, eating a large meal after days of hunger will. All good. There is nothing quite so good as having a good bm after days of nothing. It gets everything sort of going back on the right track.
It is a perfect day to work. Depending on how long I sleep, if the hole isn't an absolute mud pit, I am hoping to get out when I wake. After working, another bowl of goo, then probably another nap. One thing I have noted from past difficulties is that, as I begin eating again, each meal hits me like a sludge hammer, driving me back into full on exhaustion. It will do this for some period of time, until I adjust to eating again. I have to think snakes know this, alligators and crocodiles too. Hmm, some might even think I AM a snake? Only mice. :p
Have a great day.
I heard a yelp clear from here.
.
.
Man was I hungry. It has been since... Wednesday evening? Yes, I think so. That is a lot of hunger. I wondered why my stomach felt like it was eating itself. No, the cats have been being fed. Without a constant time by which to measure, I think they may have actually been getting too much food. They can trick me by begging like they haven't had food just an hour ago, when I am really tired. Still, I would rather err on over feeding then under feeding. They don't have a choice to be here, sort of.
I ate four bagels with cream cheese. I also put a pot of beans to soak, soaked them, and am cooking them now. So far I haven't had to sleep since 1:00, it is now 8:00. That is the longest uptime I have had in a while now. When that finishes I may cook some hamburger, with a half dozen or more spices, add some beans, grate some cheese, and have a real meal. Meatless meals are not real meals, they only stall the hunger and only slightly. A little time bought, sometimes, is enough. I have gone days, even weeks, without food. It's not pretty. Starting up the bowels again is a brutal process.
Yep, I heard someone whining and moaning out there, in the bushes. Perhaps I am just a bit too suspicious, though I think a shot in the dark sometimes finds the skulking beast just the same. Oh, don't take it personally, or... no more personally than it should be. I think you more than had that coming.
Hmm, off to some other task. Enough here for now.
.
Man was I hungry. It has been since... Wednesday evening? Yes, I think so. That is a lot of hunger. I wondered why my stomach felt like it was eating itself. No, the cats have been being fed. Without a constant time by which to measure, I think they may have actually been getting too much food. They can trick me by begging like they haven't had food just an hour ago, when I am really tired. Still, I would rather err on over feeding then under feeding. They don't have a choice to be here, sort of.
I ate four bagels with cream cheese. I also put a pot of beans to soak, soaked them, and am cooking them now. So far I haven't had to sleep since 1:00, it is now 8:00. That is the longest uptime I have had in a while now. When that finishes I may cook some hamburger, with a half dozen or more spices, add some beans, grate some cheese, and have a real meal. Meatless meals are not real meals, they only stall the hunger and only slightly. A little time bought, sometimes, is enough. I have gone days, even weeks, without food. It's not pretty. Starting up the bowels again is a brutal process.
Yep, I heard someone whining and moaning out there, in the bushes. Perhaps I am just a bit too suspicious, though I think a shot in the dark sometimes finds the skulking beast just the same. Oh, don't take it personally, or... no more personally than it should be. I think you more than had that coming.
Hmm, off to some other task. Enough here for now.
After clearing the baffles, it's time to fire torpedoes.
.
.
The other day I read about a violent man. A man who beat and frightened his wife. Enough similarities existed, and being one of the first things I read in the morning, or at least from one of my many awakenings, I had to do some checks. I did so. I am quite satisfied that I do not fit the stated profile. Of course, given some time and thought, I have some... questions.
When a woman tells me she is equal to men, then tells me she was the victim of abuse as an adult, I have to look twice. Did one woman say one thing and another stand where the other woman had been standing and the second woman say the second thing? You can't be an equal abuse victim, unless you choose to be. I have seen this with women through my life. My mother was a prime example. And, knowing my mother as I do, I also know she starts fights more often than not, adding alcohol only accelerates the fire starting thing she has going. More, when women stay in such situations, one has to ask... at what point does being a victim, setting aside the whole equality notion for a bit, become lost? At some point, after the first perhaps, after the second very possibly, but after the third or fifth or tenth attack... the victim becomes a party to the problem, an unindicted co-conspirator, or even an active participant if she wasn't to start with! I learned, working as a bouncer, that women being beaten often would defend their attacker. For my part, I would question the woman. If this was their "thing", then so be it, but not in my bar. They would both be escorted out where they could continue their kink wherever else they could get away with it. Of the many instances, there were only two times a woman asked for help. And I did help, so does much of the world. But she had to seek help in the face of the it. We all know the score. I feel solid in that I never stopped asking, hoping, not about what I usually saw.
I will claim that I have a greater claim to victimhood than almost any women in the West. I was forced into public schools, where a brute-enforced pecking order was maintained. One that I would not accept, could not accept. Some might fault me for that, I tell them to piss off. I did not give up my lunch money, milk, cookies, place in line, or anything else just because some one was larger, had rich or powerful parents, or had friends to back him up. And, initially, I was beat half to death for it. In the second grade, since none could actually beat me up, while I was walking past a swing (the really tall, heavy wood seat type), I got smashed in the side by one of those seats, bruising four ribs. In the SECOND GRADE! I learned how to fight back, but even that was not enough, being an outsider most of my life. Just defending yourself in schools based on allowances for rich kids, powerful parents, and an unwillingness by schools to deal with bullies would land me in more trouble than the bully. So I learned further how to set the stage for the absolute crushing of the bully on all fronts, physical, social, political. To defeat what was before me in such a way that none could question the validity of my actions. Even then the best I got was no punishment. The bully never was punished, or no more so than I was. At least I created some balance, and learned to win. I refused, and still do, to be a victim. Half dead or more, with sleep crushing me, I will not bend a knee to violence, or social status, or other bullshit. I may lose, and have lost, but I didn't just give the fuck up.
By the time I was a freshmen I was burned out. After beating up a junior, for the second time but this time with a knock out punch so ending the thing, one of his friends had let it be known he was next. I stayed long in the locker room that day, after football practice. I started crying. One of my coaches, a giant himself, caught me. He knew the score. He asked if I was afraid of the guy starting the new trouble. I shocked him a bit by laughing right at him through my tears. No, I suggested, I will kick his ass. I believe that is a direct quote. He is weaker than his friend and I am a bit put out with it all at this point. Oh, he asked, almost flippant at first, possibly still shocked by my daring to laugh at him, the notion he presented, both, and possibly that I was cussing, then what is the problem. I told him I was tired of fighting. I was utterly spent trying to simply live my life free of bullshit. He... one way or another... resolved the other boy's issue. Burned out from fighting in my early teens? Think about it, no gloves, no rules, sometimes taking groups of boys at a time, having to figure out how to both win and not be harshly punished, and sometimes still having to fight time after time after time? Yeah. Still, I refuse to claim victimhood. REFUSE. I fucking won, and rightly. And I didn't go about it by shooting up a school or some other lamenut thing. I fucking handled it, 'kay?
No, women have a long way to go. Either they have to choose to be victims OR equals. And if they choose that they are potential victims, then they have to choose to take it or fight it. Fighting it physically won't work, but there are many out there who would lend you a hand, even at great personal risk. If a woman considers herself as an equal then she cannot be a victim. Some equality sucks, innit? Whining about it will grant zero empathy here, unless you allow for inequality and understand that if you took it for ten years you had become party to it. Then I might be able to work with you, a bit. My empathy is spared for those who are in a situation where they have zero choices. Adult American women do NOT COUNT! If you want to claim to be an equal, and put up your dukes to prove it, prepare to be a "victim", one of your own choosing. Healthy pride, a reasonable understanding of reality, and some other things must reign for "problems" to be avoided, something I don't see as a trait common in American women. I only probably never beat even the gnarliest of my angry spitfire women, myself, because having fought often, I knew that typical women are no threat to me, not equal, at all. Spankings, like for naughty children, when a woman becomes physically aggressive, not a beating like they seem to want. That is equality put into practice. Well, and it was odd how well a spanking, or the threat of one, caused a woman to rethink the whole situation. Go cry me a river. Bah!
Here, and after my last article on the topic, D.C. was probably questioning some... things about me. Never fear, my friend. Captain Obvious has things well in hand. Just locking and loading, now rocking and rolling. I won't be backed into a corner by a widow or her mite, if she is wrong. Double Bah! Hmm, I wonder how long until some equal woman decides that trying to get me banned for this post is the only way she can be equal, since her retorts will be seen as being as weak as she and her notions are?
.
The other day I read about a violent man. A man who beat and frightened his wife. Enough similarities existed, and being one of the first things I read in the morning, or at least from one of my many awakenings, I had to do some checks. I did so. I am quite satisfied that I do not fit the stated profile. Of course, given some time and thought, I have some... questions.
When a woman tells me she is equal to men, then tells me she was the victim of abuse as an adult, I have to look twice. Did one woman say one thing and another stand where the other woman had been standing and the second woman say the second thing? You can't be an equal abuse victim, unless you choose to be. I have seen this with women through my life. My mother was a prime example. And, knowing my mother as I do, I also know she starts fights more often than not, adding alcohol only accelerates the fire starting thing she has going. More, when women stay in such situations, one has to ask... at what point does being a victim, setting aside the whole equality notion for a bit, become lost? At some point, after the first perhaps, after the second very possibly, but after the third or fifth or tenth attack... the victim becomes a party to the problem, an unindicted co-conspirator, or even an active participant if she wasn't to start with! I learned, working as a bouncer, that women being beaten often would defend their attacker. For my part, I would question the woman. If this was their "thing", then so be it, but not in my bar. They would both be escorted out where they could continue their kink wherever else they could get away with it. Of the many instances, there were only two times a woman asked for help. And I did help, so does much of the world. But she had to seek help in the face of the it. We all know the score. I feel solid in that I never stopped asking, hoping, not about what I usually saw.
I will claim that I have a greater claim to victimhood than almost any women in the West. I was forced into public schools, where a brute-enforced pecking order was maintained. One that I would not accept, could not accept. Some might fault me for that, I tell them to piss off. I did not give up my lunch money, milk, cookies, place in line, or anything else just because some one was larger, had rich or powerful parents, or had friends to back him up. And, initially, I was beat half to death for it. In the second grade, since none could actually beat me up, while I was walking past a swing (the really tall, heavy wood seat type), I got smashed in the side by one of those seats, bruising four ribs. In the SECOND GRADE! I learned how to fight back, but even that was not enough, being an outsider most of my life. Just defending yourself in schools based on allowances for rich kids, powerful parents, and an unwillingness by schools to deal with bullies would land me in more trouble than the bully. So I learned further how to set the stage for the absolute crushing of the bully on all fronts, physical, social, political. To defeat what was before me in such a way that none could question the validity of my actions. Even then the best I got was no punishment. The bully never was punished, or no more so than I was. At least I created some balance, and learned to win. I refused, and still do, to be a victim. Half dead or more, with sleep crushing me, I will not bend a knee to violence, or social status, or other bullshit. I may lose, and have lost, but I didn't just give the fuck up.
By the time I was a freshmen I was burned out. After beating up a junior, for the second time but this time with a knock out punch so ending the thing, one of his friends had let it be known he was next. I stayed long in the locker room that day, after football practice. I started crying. One of my coaches, a giant himself, caught me. He knew the score. He asked if I was afraid of the guy starting the new trouble. I shocked him a bit by laughing right at him through my tears. No, I suggested, I will kick his ass. I believe that is a direct quote. He is weaker than his friend and I am a bit put out with it all at this point. Oh, he asked, almost flippant at first, possibly still shocked by my daring to laugh at him, the notion he presented, both, and possibly that I was cussing, then what is the problem. I told him I was tired of fighting. I was utterly spent trying to simply live my life free of bullshit. He... one way or another... resolved the other boy's issue. Burned out from fighting in my early teens? Think about it, no gloves, no rules, sometimes taking groups of boys at a time, having to figure out how to both win and not be harshly punished, and sometimes still having to fight time after time after time? Yeah. Still, I refuse to claim victimhood. REFUSE. I fucking won, and rightly. And I didn't go about it by shooting up a school or some other lamenut thing. I fucking handled it, 'kay?
No, women have a long way to go. Either they have to choose to be victims OR equals. And if they choose that they are potential victims, then they have to choose to take it or fight it. Fighting it physically won't work, but there are many out there who would lend you a hand, even at great personal risk. If a woman considers herself as an equal then she cannot be a victim. Some equality sucks, innit? Whining about it will grant zero empathy here, unless you allow for inequality and understand that if you took it for ten years you had become party to it. Then I might be able to work with you, a bit. My empathy is spared for those who are in a situation where they have zero choices. Adult American women do NOT COUNT! If you want to claim to be an equal, and put up your dukes to prove it, prepare to be a "victim", one of your own choosing. Healthy pride, a reasonable understanding of reality, and some other things must reign for "problems" to be avoided, something I don't see as a trait common in American women. I only probably never beat even the gnarliest of my angry spitfire women, myself, because having fought often, I knew that typical women are no threat to me, not equal, at all. Spankings, like for naughty children, when a woman becomes physically aggressive, not a beating like they seem to want. That is equality put into practice. Well, and it was odd how well a spanking, or the threat of one, caused a woman to rethink the whole situation. Go cry me a river. Bah!
Here, and after my last article on the topic, D.C. was probably questioning some... things about me. Never fear, my friend. Captain Obvious has things well in hand. Just locking and loading, now rocking and rolling. I won't be backed into a corner by a widow or her mite, if she is wrong. Double Bah! Hmm, I wonder how long until some equal woman decides that trying to get me banned for this post is the only way she can be equal, since her retorts will be seen as being as weak as she and her notions are?
Friday, May 18, 2012
Pretty brutal.
.
.
Sleep is absolutely taking over my life. I can sleep 4 hours here, 10 hours there, 6 next, and only get a few hours of up time. Oh, I wrestle it. I push and shove. I might wrangle another hour, 2, or even 3 hours of uptimes on rare occasions, but I just hit it that much harder. I don't know if I really sleep any longer one way or the other though. It has mostly been happening since this storm front came in. Though with medicine started just a week ago, I am adding that into the equation. Actually, I think the medicine has been allowing me to account for the sleep, or... be more aware that I am sleeping, able to track times and such a bit better. Though it very likely is playing a dual role. Beside allowing me to account for time, it may well be adding to the need for sleep. Hmm, or more, what the medicine is doing to my body, lowering the bp is most likely the sleep trigger regarding medicine. Other medicines I have taken in life are directly related to extra sleep. There is a difference. Yeah, blathering without scientific proof. But... I still think that I have it about right.
I need to put together some food that will last a bit. I have a big pile of hamburger thawed. I just need to make beans. A big helping of chili and a side bowl of beans and hamburger would allow for some (if slight) variety, would last me a week or more, and is something I enjoy. More so with the weather so cool (for as long as that lasts). It's a matter of staying up long enough to get the cooking done and being able enough to cook it in a timely fashion. I need to set a pot of beans to soak this time, then cook them probably the next time I am awake. Youch but this is getting troublesome. The body hurts a bit when sleep is this demanding.
As for work or play? I am setting that off until I can definitely stay up more than a few hours at a time. As is I merely get warmed up and ready to do something before collapsing into a sleep requiring stupor. So be it, for now. I may run out of aspirin for my medicinal regimen, but that is a minor concern in the short term. Lots of things will fail if I don't... pay attention though. And I may not have a choice. At least this time I am fully aware that I am falling behind. Sometimes, often, I just go from doing good to... weeks or months later realizing I just lost a chunk of my life to the fog of time. Yeah, I prefer this way. Medicine can certainly be a nearly perfect double edged sword. No worries, I keep my codpiece handy... the rest can go hang. :p
Well, have a good life out there. I'm enjoying mine, sun or shine, sleep or wakefulness, grumpiness, joy, tears, and the twirl of it all, mostly. And... it is sort of funny... if you think about it. *zzz* Huh? Never mind.
.
Sleep is absolutely taking over my life. I can sleep 4 hours here, 10 hours there, 6 next, and only get a few hours of up time. Oh, I wrestle it. I push and shove. I might wrangle another hour, 2, or even 3 hours of uptimes on rare occasions, but I just hit it that much harder. I don't know if I really sleep any longer one way or the other though. It has mostly been happening since this storm front came in. Though with medicine started just a week ago, I am adding that into the equation. Actually, I think the medicine has been allowing me to account for the sleep, or... be more aware that I am sleeping, able to track times and such a bit better. Though it very likely is playing a dual role. Beside allowing me to account for time, it may well be adding to the need for sleep. Hmm, or more, what the medicine is doing to my body, lowering the bp is most likely the sleep trigger regarding medicine. Other medicines I have taken in life are directly related to extra sleep. There is a difference. Yeah, blathering without scientific proof. But... I still think that I have it about right.
I need to put together some food that will last a bit. I have a big pile of hamburger thawed. I just need to make beans. A big helping of chili and a side bowl of beans and hamburger would allow for some (if slight) variety, would last me a week or more, and is something I enjoy. More so with the weather so cool (for as long as that lasts). It's a matter of staying up long enough to get the cooking done and being able enough to cook it in a timely fashion. I need to set a pot of beans to soak this time, then cook them probably the next time I am awake. Youch but this is getting troublesome. The body hurts a bit when sleep is this demanding.
As for work or play? I am setting that off until I can definitely stay up more than a few hours at a time. As is I merely get warmed up and ready to do something before collapsing into a sleep requiring stupor. So be it, for now. I may run out of aspirin for my medicinal regimen, but that is a minor concern in the short term. Lots of things will fail if I don't... pay attention though. And I may not have a choice. At least this time I am fully aware that I am falling behind. Sometimes, often, I just go from doing good to... weeks or months later realizing I just lost a chunk of my life to the fog of time. Yeah, I prefer this way. Medicine can certainly be a nearly perfect double edged sword. No worries, I keep my codpiece handy... the rest can go hang. :p
Well, have a good life out there. I'm enjoying mine, sun or shine, sleep or wakefulness, grumpiness, joy, tears, and the twirl of it all, mostly. And... it is sort of funny... if you think about it. *zzz* Huh? Never mind.
Cats, thunderstorms, and life.
.
.
I know this isn't the first time Sassy, the youngest of my cats, has heard thunder. But perhaps there was other noise to distract her. Today, however, she was mightily afraid. She crowded around poppo and mewled, wanting me to make it all go away. A bit of a caress, a few itches behind the ears, and she would be off, brave enough to handle the intrusive noise again. Every once in a while she returns to get some more bravery. Sam, the eldest of my cats, just... notices the noise, perhaps looks. She has the experience of an elder cat dame. Still, with the rain comes chill. She wants poppo as a woman might want a fleece throw. Warmth! And her feet are soooo cold. Reminds me of some parts of women, on cold nights, on the back, come to think of it. The parts that can turn my stomach so fast women have confused me with Flash Gordon for it.
Shoveling, however, is probably off for today. It would be a mess to work out there after this much rain, most likely. The good thing is it will soak in, softening the soil for when I can get to it. It does add to the weight for shoveling though too. Life is about tradeoffs, ones we don't always get to choose. I am not sure, in any case, if I can get to much today. I am feeling good, but noon can't come soon enough. Exhaustion is haunting all but, perhaps, the first hour or two after I wake. Even then I am in my normal morning mode, meaning I am of little use.
At least it is favorable sleeping weather. There definitely is that. My guess is that when summer finally cranks over, sleep will become a rare and wonderful thing. Heat is a brutal stealer of sleep. I went through a minor oddity this morning. Do you remember the degaussing button on older monitors? Remember how the screen would shake? Yeah, well my eyes did that. It's not funny. Well, actually it WAS funny, though the doctors may not agree. I'm not sure what is up with that. So long as it doesn't continue I suppose I am fine. The body just does weird things once in a while, innit?
Later.
.
I know this isn't the first time Sassy, the youngest of my cats, has heard thunder. But perhaps there was other noise to distract her. Today, however, she was mightily afraid. She crowded around poppo and mewled, wanting me to make it all go away. A bit of a caress, a few itches behind the ears, and she would be off, brave enough to handle the intrusive noise again. Every once in a while she returns to get some more bravery. Sam, the eldest of my cats, just... notices the noise, perhaps looks. She has the experience of an elder cat dame. Still, with the rain comes chill. She wants poppo as a woman might want a fleece throw. Warmth! And her feet are soooo cold. Reminds me of some parts of women, on cold nights, on the back, come to think of it. The parts that can turn my stomach so fast women have confused me with Flash Gordon for it.
Shoveling, however, is probably off for today. It would be a mess to work out there after this much rain, most likely. The good thing is it will soak in, softening the soil for when I can get to it. It does add to the weight for shoveling though too. Life is about tradeoffs, ones we don't always get to choose. I am not sure, in any case, if I can get to much today. I am feeling good, but noon can't come soon enough. Exhaustion is haunting all but, perhaps, the first hour or two after I wake. Even then I am in my normal morning mode, meaning I am of little use.
At least it is favorable sleeping weather. There definitely is that. My guess is that when summer finally cranks over, sleep will become a rare and wonderful thing. Heat is a brutal stealer of sleep. I went through a minor oddity this morning. Do you remember the degaussing button on older monitors? Remember how the screen would shake? Yeah, well my eyes did that. It's not funny. Well, actually it WAS funny, though the doctors may not agree. I'm not sure what is up with that. So long as it doesn't continue I suppose I am fine. The body just does weird things once in a while, innit?
Later.
Well, that wasn't too bad.
.
.
This last nap was closer to a real nap. Still, in the last 36 hours or so I have racked up 22 hours of sleep time. While not a record, it is definitely a high in the last few years. I have also been a bit sentimental, sad. Oh, no real worries, most of the time I chuckle at my tearful moments... a bit, later on. Gives me a little something to tease myself regarding. Perhaps it is the high start dosage for the medicine. And yet I probably will keep the medicine going, if I can, and just try to get through it. I know I can handle the medicine, at some point, and I know when to stop taking more. There is a sweet spot and I am willing to try to get to it, at some speed. Damn the pillow torpedoes, full speed ahead.
Two dreams this time, and I remember them. Odd little dreams. The second one, of course, would be about a harem. I had six wives and was negotiating for another. Hey, it was merely a dream. It was a relatively pleasant dream, all said and done, though. I doubt if reality could match it. The other was sort of a creepy story where I entered a small town, rented what I thought would be my own room but ended up sharing it, the people's eyes glowed yellowish green at night (mine glowed with faint red slashes), and became a part of the town but as a complete outsider too. Nothing really dark, just... weird things. Odd things on the edge of life, the periphery of sight, sound, and understandings. Something just off, and it wasn't me, or... my strangeness I was comfortable with anyway. Entertaining all. I give the producer and actors a solid B+ or better.
Perhaps, with this nap, I might be still on for days. If I can stay up until noon I still plan on trying to take a short nap, then get to work in the afternoon. My body, other than being so tired, is back to specs to do pick and shovel work. And I really need to get some other things done. I have been changing the dish water a couple times a day, so that isn't too bad. I will probably have two loads to wash, atm, when I get to it. And I could do a load or two of laundry. Though really, the room and the digging are my primary goals. I just have to... keep... keep the target in sight for when I can get to it.
Have a good morning.
.
This last nap was closer to a real nap. Still, in the last 36 hours or so I have racked up 22 hours of sleep time. While not a record, it is definitely a high in the last few years. I have also been a bit sentimental, sad. Oh, no real worries, most of the time I chuckle at my tearful moments... a bit, later on. Gives me a little something to tease myself regarding. Perhaps it is the high start dosage for the medicine. And yet I probably will keep the medicine going, if I can, and just try to get through it. I know I can handle the medicine, at some point, and I know when to stop taking more. There is a sweet spot and I am willing to try to get to it, at some speed. Damn the pillow torpedoes, full speed ahead.
Two dreams this time, and I remember them. Odd little dreams. The second one, of course, would be about a harem. I had six wives and was negotiating for another. Hey, it was merely a dream. It was a relatively pleasant dream, all said and done, though. I doubt if reality could match it. The other was sort of a creepy story where I entered a small town, rented what I thought would be my own room but ended up sharing it, the people's eyes glowed yellowish green at night (mine glowed with faint red slashes), and became a part of the town but as a complete outsider too. Nothing really dark, just... weird things. Odd things on the edge of life, the periphery of sight, sound, and understandings. Something just off, and it wasn't me, or... my strangeness I was comfortable with anyway. Entertaining all. I give the producer and actors a solid B+ or better.
Perhaps, with this nap, I might be still on for days. If I can stay up until noon I still plan on trying to take a short nap, then get to work in the afternoon. My body, other than being so tired, is back to specs to do pick and shovel work. And I really need to get some other things done. I have been changing the dish water a couple times a day, so that isn't too bad. I will probably have two loads to wash, atm, when I get to it. And I could do a load or two of laundry. Though really, the room and the digging are my primary goals. I just have to... keep... keep the target in sight for when I can get to it.
Have a good morning.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Another... nap?
.
.
Wouch. I'm getting pretty beat up here. But bed is calling again. I suppose bed, for me, is like the bathroom for someone with chronic stomach upset. The sun has been only partially or even rarely out the last few days and it has been cooler, perhaps that is part of it. The other thing might be the medicine. My blood pressure has dropped to 193/123. While 10 points or so, top and bottom, isn't a great deal, that has been the drop in about a week. Perhaps that is coming down too fast for my body to adjust, thus needing sleep? No, I will continue medicine. It is just something I might want to keep noted as a side effect. My guess is, at some point, blood pressure levels will make being active easier. I also believe that a further, much larger, drop will have to take place before activity will return. I am moving much more aggressively than my doctors with regards to medicine, but then a bp of 205/133 was absolutely ridiculous. I didn't see much choice but to act quickly, or... as quickly as I could. And to be assertive with dosage. I am still not sure if I will double the main medicine, to the max I could handle it last time, when I reset medicines this week. I am leaning toward doing so. I've got almost a week to think about it.
Yes, after all that sleep... to be ready for sleep again? I have other reasons to think the medicine is doing it's job as well. One thing I noted when I first started these medicines, and got back on them before, was an absolute inability at self-control in a specific area. My vow to celibacy is impossible of late. Some say that control is never lost. I know that not to be true. Prayers and regrets mean nothing when I first start these meds. No, I don't do porn. Eschewing that at least a decade or so ago. I avoid anything that is too risque, to my mind. If I must look away I don't look to begin with, or... along those lines. No, this is... health returning. Eventually I will take control back in hand. At least this time I understand. What surprises me is that, even sort of expecting it, and erecting defenses, I was caught just as defenseless to it as before. If I were a rope, right now I would be a very knotty rope.
Later... Actually, probably, good night.
.
Wouch. I'm getting pretty beat up here. But bed is calling again. I suppose bed, for me, is like the bathroom for someone with chronic stomach upset. The sun has been only partially or even rarely out the last few days and it has been cooler, perhaps that is part of it. The other thing might be the medicine. My blood pressure has dropped to 193/123. While 10 points or so, top and bottom, isn't a great deal, that has been the drop in about a week. Perhaps that is coming down too fast for my body to adjust, thus needing sleep? No, I will continue medicine. It is just something I might want to keep noted as a side effect. My guess is, at some point, blood pressure levels will make being active easier. I also believe that a further, much larger, drop will have to take place before activity will return. I am moving much more aggressively than my doctors with regards to medicine, but then a bp of 205/133 was absolutely ridiculous. I didn't see much choice but to act quickly, or... as quickly as I could. And to be assertive with dosage. I am still not sure if I will double the main medicine, to the max I could handle it last time, when I reset medicines this week. I am leaning toward doing so. I've got almost a week to think about it.
Yes, after all that sleep... to be ready for sleep again? I have other reasons to think the medicine is doing it's job as well. One thing I noted when I first started these medicines, and got back on them before, was an absolute inability at self-control in a specific area. My vow to celibacy is impossible of late. Some say that control is never lost. I know that not to be true. Prayers and regrets mean nothing when I first start these meds. No, I don't do porn. Eschewing that at least a decade or so ago. I avoid anything that is too risque, to my mind. If I must look away I don't look to begin with, or... along those lines. No, this is... health returning. Eventually I will take control back in hand. At least this time I understand. What surprises me is that, even sort of expecting it, and erecting defenses, I was caught just as defenseless to it as before. If I were a rope, right now I would be a very knotty rope.
Later... Actually, probably, good night.
Nap?
.
.
It was about 11:30 when I laid down. I had no choice. Last night I had slept four hours, gotten up for perhaps three hours, then went back down for eight hours or so, give or take. Waking at 6:00, I thought today would be a good work day. When I went down for my nap I set the alarm for 14:00, just in case I thought. I simply could not wake, finally even hearing and waking to reset the alarm at 14:53. I reset the alarm for 17:00, hoping that would surely be enough. It took me nearly an hour of the alarm sounding off as well before I could finally rise and shut the thing off. I surrendered, this time, to sleep. Whatever my body needed it would take. My willfulness in using an alarm clock would simply irritate the mess. Finally, at 20:00, I am waking. A little stiff, slightly sore, but this may well be blinked off as I wake. Why did I need this kind of sleep? It definitely wasn't a want. There goes my attempt at a day schedule, perhaps, as well.
Never mind. I will cast about for news and information, waking more fully, get something to eat cooking in just a bit, do the dishes, set up the other bed, and... that may be it, if in truth even those things go forward. The need for sleep must simply be part of my health problems. I suppose when I am sleeping deeper and longer I never see the hit. It is only when I am more wakeful, in comparison, that I notice how much sleep my body sometimes demands. Medicines will only ever help just so much. On the good side, it was a mighty fine sleep. I think I dreamed a bit each of my various sleep times. Popcorn, however, was alas not served.
.
It was about 11:30 when I laid down. I had no choice. Last night I had slept four hours, gotten up for perhaps three hours, then went back down for eight hours or so, give or take. Waking at 6:00, I thought today would be a good work day. When I went down for my nap I set the alarm for 14:00, just in case I thought. I simply could not wake, finally even hearing and waking to reset the alarm at 14:53. I reset the alarm for 17:00, hoping that would surely be enough. It took me nearly an hour of the alarm sounding off as well before I could finally rise and shut the thing off. I surrendered, this time, to sleep. Whatever my body needed it would take. My willfulness in using an alarm clock would simply irritate the mess. Finally, at 20:00, I am waking. A little stiff, slightly sore, but this may well be blinked off as I wake. Why did I need this kind of sleep? It definitely wasn't a want. There goes my attempt at a day schedule, perhaps, as well.
Never mind. I will cast about for news and information, waking more fully, get something to eat cooking in just a bit, do the dishes, set up the other bed, and... that may be it, if in truth even those things go forward. The need for sleep must simply be part of my health problems. I suppose when I am sleeping deeper and longer I never see the hit. It is only when I am more wakeful, in comparison, that I notice how much sleep my body sometimes demands. Medicines will only ever help just so much. On the good side, it was a mighty fine sleep. I think I dreamed a bit each of my various sleep times. Popcorn, however, was alas not served.
They sure seem Christian.
.
.
One of the newer bands which I truly enjoy, new to me, is Nightwish. More there older music, though... that may be because there newer stuff isn't quite as available for free. No, I will eventually be buying, should I live a month or two more. So I don't mind free samples for now. What I have noticed, in some of their music, is a artistic connection to Christianity, perhaps Catholicism. I have seen this, on occasion, before. Sometimes as a fluke never to be seen again, sometimes as a complete counter to what was at the time an anti-Christian theme in certain genres. This group tends to be gothic music, of sorts. So there would be a natural... link. Though that link is often contrary, much as with most rock and heavy metal music. Not so with this group, I think. While they may suggest that there is a darker side I don't see that as being their main point. Further, I don't see them as purely a Christian based group. I just note that some of their songs have an air of hope, faith, charity to them. Here are three examples, ones that meant the most this way that I have found so far.
.
One of the newer bands which I truly enjoy, new to me, is Nightwish. More there older music, though... that may be because there newer stuff isn't quite as available for free. No, I will eventually be buying, should I live a month or two more. So I don't mind free samples for now. What I have noticed, in some of their music, is a artistic connection to Christianity, perhaps Catholicism. I have seen this, on occasion, before. Sometimes as a fluke never to be seen again, sometimes as a complete counter to what was at the time an anti-Christian theme in certain genres. This group tends to be gothic music, of sorts. So there would be a natural... link. Though that link is often contrary, much as with most rock and heavy metal music. Not so with this group, I think. While they may suggest that there is a darker side I don't see that as being their main point. Further, I don't see them as purely a Christian based group. I just note that some of their songs have an air of hope, faith, charity to them. Here are three examples, ones that meant the most this way that I have found so far.
Reflections in the mirror?
.
.
In my daily reading sometime I stumble upon something that... makes me stop and think. Was I like that? Whether it is about a uncivil citizen, political idiot, religious zealot or heretic, or such. A big stop sign appears and I need to think about it. If enough key things fit... does the shoe then fit? No, I doubt it is a finger being pointed... just...
Recently reading I ran into such a case. Having just woke up, and with so many coincidences, I almost blushed. Was that truly who or what I was? Everyone's first instincts, in such cases, is "NO!". But that doesn't work. I had to think, was I ever hard on a woman, coming to physical blows? Did I disappear for a day, night, or days on end? Did my women fear me? Was I a cad when involved with a woman? Were my moods mighty and terrible, fearful? Was I, in other words, an unmitigated asshole? First off, I was often an immature ass. I could be incorrigible. And I made more than one man's lifetime share of mistakes. I won't argue that. But... was I consistently such? Was that a sum of who I was?
With short term relationships I never worked up a profile. Most of my relationships were short. There are many questions, to each other, that never are asked. In longer term relationships, however, self doubts appear and so questions are asked or scenarios worked out or remembered, which allow for a clearer view of what type of a man I was. While I did play the cad, that role was distinctly when I was younger. By the time I hit my mid-20's, for example, while knowing I wasn't marriage material I also knew that I was predominately a one woman man. Admittedly, the relationship at that time, as I was coming into my own in being faithful, was full of... inconsistencies. Uhrm, though from both parties involved. The next few relationships, my last ones, were quite... singular. So, yes and no on this. Then again, I was choosing as a non-marriageable man for women who fit my profile, too.
As for violence? There were only two, maybe three, women I ever resorted to violence regarding. No, I never punched a woman, a mate or otherwise (even though sorely tempted when I was a bouncer from time to time, women drunks are inSane). I did spank a few who actually punched me, or hit me in an actual combat way, girlfriends that is. Those were in my early years. But I must admit, if a woman, my woman, tried to strike me even today I would paddle her butt still. I won't tolerate that kind of violence. At all. As for my longer term relationships though, I simply never did have that "problem". Even when I was in the throws of heavy drinking, and feared for my sanity (because doctors can't distinguish between bi-polar and severe heart failure), I often checked with my woman. She never feared me, still doesn't when I visited her since. Which I stopped doing because... she is still interested. And my last? She was a pistol! How else to put it. I did let her know that violence would not be tolerated, that she would be spanked if she went over that line. I think that is the only thing that worked with her, she was a true firecracker. She a shock troop liberal feminist, me... not so much. Oh, we had arguments that lasted weeks it seems, until even here I put my foot down. I would argue only so long before I required proof, documentation, and time to counter that before I would continue. The most I would do with her is... lock my computer room door if she was on a bit of a tear. By the way, she visits me out here to this day. She will probably be visiting this winter, for the third time since I moved. It's boring, sort of, for her, but it is a trip 'somewhere in the mountains'. We still sometimes argue, though mostly for hours on up to half a day. Last time she was here she was getting upset about such an argument. Later, after she had calmed, I talked to her. Not about the topic of disagreement but about the anger. I suggested I enjoyed these little disagreements, and I thought she could to, if she wouldn't take the material as personal, a reflection of herself. Divest emotion and debate, I suggested. I think... she actually, for the first time, saw... something. Yes, I really do enjoy little "discussions". I think she just likes to fight, so will probably never change, even if she might... learn to enjoy that a bit, privately, in the back of her mind. So, no, not a violent guy.
As for moody? No more than typical, albeit with heavier seeming "downs". But that is simply a physical manifestation of having a very bad heart. My ups tend to see me trying to figure out how to cram as much work into whatever time I might have as possible, or whatever social or religious activity as possible. As for the whole bi-polar thing, the guy in question or myself? I call bunk. There is no such thing, possibly. Doctors have just decided to call bad behavior something in order to... write it off the books. A bad man is a bad man, he does bad things because he wants to and to a degree probably has been allowed to do bad things. A man who thinks only of himself, and I have been here, is just a man without cause, goal, reason, or good leadership. Once that mold is set it may take dying to break it. It did in my case, actually three deaths before something sunk in. Yeah, I can be a little... thick. Still, there is a point where people have to stop giving in to the temptation to excuse every bad behavior through medical terms. I have faced much of my music, coming to God. It wasn't pretty, and things still crop up from "the good old days". Memories come back, with all the immature feelings I had regarding them right along with them. And these have to be tempered anew. No excuses. I did what I did, bad heart, bi-polar, or no. I take my hits. So I think the moodiness, which often goes with violence, is moot here too.
Yes, a thought provoking post is good, if it can sure sneak up on me. Oh, sure, I could be downplaying things too. I was and probably can still be a master at self, and other, deception. People do that. But, no, I think I am rather correct. I worked very hard, sweated bullets, swallowed guilt and shame, and slowly let the blinds come off. I also found out how to let go of that, the best I could. Christ as a psycho-social trash bin? Sins are worse than trash, so I am being generous (though not to us, or against Him, as it might seem).. Like a one time favorite song suggests, "When I was young I thought I was the nicest guy I knew. As time went on I learned, I'm not such a nice guy after all." And I am still not a nice guy, if I do my best to be a good guy in the true sense of that. And yet I still fail to be nice. If being good also precludes, sometimes, being a nice guy at all too. *shrug* But that is what I have. I sure regret the harrowing lives some people have gone through even so. Being a woman is no easy task. On balance, I am glad to be a man. Even that isn't so easy, all said and done. But life was never supposed to be easy once we decided we could do better than God's plan for us. Just... clearing some baffles.
Be well.
.
In my daily reading sometime I stumble upon something that... makes me stop and think. Was I like that? Whether it is about a uncivil citizen, political idiot, religious zealot or heretic, or such. A big stop sign appears and I need to think about it. If enough key things fit... does the shoe then fit? No, I doubt it is a finger being pointed... just...
Recently reading I ran into such a case. Having just woke up, and with so many coincidences, I almost blushed. Was that truly who or what I was? Everyone's first instincts, in such cases, is "NO!". But that doesn't work. I had to think, was I ever hard on a woman, coming to physical blows? Did I disappear for a day, night, or days on end? Did my women fear me? Was I a cad when involved with a woman? Were my moods mighty and terrible, fearful? Was I, in other words, an unmitigated asshole? First off, I was often an immature ass. I could be incorrigible. And I made more than one man's lifetime share of mistakes. I won't argue that. But... was I consistently such? Was that a sum of who I was?
With short term relationships I never worked up a profile. Most of my relationships were short. There are many questions, to each other, that never are asked. In longer term relationships, however, self doubts appear and so questions are asked or scenarios worked out or remembered, which allow for a clearer view of what type of a man I was. While I did play the cad, that role was distinctly when I was younger. By the time I hit my mid-20's, for example, while knowing I wasn't marriage material I also knew that I was predominately a one woman man. Admittedly, the relationship at that time, as I was coming into my own in being faithful, was full of... inconsistencies. Uhrm, though from both parties involved. The next few relationships, my last ones, were quite... singular. So, yes and no on this. Then again, I was choosing as a non-marriageable man for women who fit my profile, too.
As for violence? There were only two, maybe three, women I ever resorted to violence regarding. No, I never punched a woman, a mate or otherwise (even though sorely tempted when I was a bouncer from time to time, women drunks are inSane). I did spank a few who actually punched me, or hit me in an actual combat way, girlfriends that is. Those were in my early years. But I must admit, if a woman, my woman, tried to strike me even today I would paddle her butt still. I won't tolerate that kind of violence. At all. As for my longer term relationships though, I simply never did have that "problem". Even when I was in the throws of heavy drinking, and feared for my sanity (because doctors can't distinguish between bi-polar and severe heart failure), I often checked with my woman. She never feared me, still doesn't when I visited her since. Which I stopped doing because... she is still interested. And my last? She was a pistol! How else to put it. I did let her know that violence would not be tolerated, that she would be spanked if she went over that line. I think that is the only thing that worked with her, she was a true firecracker. She a shock troop liberal feminist, me... not so much. Oh, we had arguments that lasted weeks it seems, until even here I put my foot down. I would argue only so long before I required proof, documentation, and time to counter that before I would continue. The most I would do with her is... lock my computer room door if she was on a bit of a tear. By the way, she visits me out here to this day. She will probably be visiting this winter, for the third time since I moved. It's boring, sort of, for her, but it is a trip 'somewhere in the mountains'. We still sometimes argue, though mostly for hours on up to half a day. Last time she was here she was getting upset about such an argument. Later, after she had calmed, I talked to her. Not about the topic of disagreement but about the anger. I suggested I enjoyed these little disagreements, and I thought she could to, if she wouldn't take the material as personal, a reflection of herself. Divest emotion and debate, I suggested. I think... she actually, for the first time, saw... something. Yes, I really do enjoy little "discussions". I think she just likes to fight, so will probably never change, even if she might... learn to enjoy that a bit, privately, in the back of her mind. So, no, not a violent guy.
As for moody? No more than typical, albeit with heavier seeming "downs". But that is simply a physical manifestation of having a very bad heart. My ups tend to see me trying to figure out how to cram as much work into whatever time I might have as possible, or whatever social or religious activity as possible. As for the whole bi-polar thing, the guy in question or myself? I call bunk. There is no such thing, possibly. Doctors have just decided to call bad behavior something in order to... write it off the books. A bad man is a bad man, he does bad things because he wants to and to a degree probably has been allowed to do bad things. A man who thinks only of himself, and I have been here, is just a man without cause, goal, reason, or good leadership. Once that mold is set it may take dying to break it. It did in my case, actually three deaths before something sunk in. Yeah, I can be a little... thick. Still, there is a point where people have to stop giving in to the temptation to excuse every bad behavior through medical terms. I have faced much of my music, coming to God. It wasn't pretty, and things still crop up from "the good old days". Memories come back, with all the immature feelings I had regarding them right along with them. And these have to be tempered anew. No excuses. I did what I did, bad heart, bi-polar, or no. I take my hits. So I think the moodiness, which often goes with violence, is moot here too.
Yes, a thought provoking post is good, if it can sure sneak up on me. Oh, sure, I could be downplaying things too. I was and probably can still be a master at self, and other, deception. People do that. But, no, I think I am rather correct. I worked very hard, sweated bullets, swallowed guilt and shame, and slowly let the blinds come off. I also found out how to let go of that, the best I could. Christ as a psycho-social trash bin? Sins are worse than trash, so I am being generous (though not to us, or against Him, as it might seem).. Like a one time favorite song suggests, "When I was young I thought I was the nicest guy I knew. As time went on I learned, I'm not such a nice guy after all." And I am still not a nice guy, if I do my best to be a good guy in the true sense of that. And yet I still fail to be nice. If being good also precludes, sometimes, being a nice guy at all too. *shrug* But that is what I have. I sure regret the harrowing lives some people have gone through even so. Being a woman is no easy task. On balance, I am glad to be a man. Even that isn't so easy, all said and done. But life was never supposed to be easy once we decided we could do better than God's plan for us. Just... clearing some baffles.
Be well.
Disturbing beauty.
.
.
As I was reviewing my profile regarding a wife, looking at my list, I decided to deconstruct the list. I wanted to tear each piece apart. I wanted to see what could be negotiated, how much negotiation room there is, and what lines negotiations might take. I think I chose which of the three listed requirements to question first badly. No, not that everything can't be questioned. Merely that if you start with something that cannot be completed, the projects that must follow it are also delayed. As is I started with my notion regarding finding a woman able and willing to be married within the Church, the Catholic Church.
I thought the process of creating debate for this would be easy. I would either take a few steps in, find a dead end, and move on... or I would trek through thought after thought, ending at some solution or set of solutions. From the outside it may look like logic is a simple device, to be applied to apples, oranges, fruit pies, family, girlfriends, or whatever else may be presented. Some things simply don't work like that. This is one of those.
While I was freethinking the thing hit me that I should start from the start. Why am I Catholic, well, to within my knowledge of even what all that means? If I don't know that, I cannot know what it means to me. I can't give Catholicism a value, a social or intellectual or spiritual currency basis, without comparison, understanding, requiring some thought. I realized the seed of my conversion, the initial seeds, where probably from initial understandings. I had been Catholic for a very short time when I was quite young, if little of that was functional. Actually, the only thing I do remember is being in a Catholic grade school for about six months, part of either the first or second grade. That was it. And we didn't go to Church much, either. That was about the sum of my introduction to Catholicism.
I did try to find God. As a child, we moved a great deal, yearly at least, as I have mentioned. We almost always lived in small agricultural towns. Often there was only one church, always Protestant. So, I would go to what was available. I began reading and such, looking, seeking, wondering. Oh, and there are good, great, Christians out there who are not Catholic. And there are not so great Christians out there, me being among them. We do what we may. I never did find what I was looking for, eventually I drifted to secular social life.
It wasn't until after my third scrape with death that I, re-awoke? I had seen something there. Something wondrous. Though even now I won't say it was more than oxygen deprivation. But it did move me. Having been close enough to death that only a feather would have tipped the balance forever, and twice so painfully that I was sobbing for my mother, I later came to believe that... what I had experienced that second time was as close to being near God as a human can get before actual death. The love I felt was immeasurable. This was the actual conscious adult seed that sent me on a search for God again, and what led me to Catholicism through accepting and rejecting this and that notion about family, faith, all, and God.
Having cried for my mother once, in part due to nearly delirium inducing pain, I thought the thing was a fluke. I was not on good terms with my mother either of those times, for my part. But when it happened the second time, I realized there was something more to my wanting her near me than I had allowed myself to admit. The love of a mother is an extremely potent thing. I reminded myself of those guys I had literally knocked out, who always suggested they had slipped on something. *BaM* I too was trying to say... I had slipped on something. Well, and I did. When humility is beyond rejection, there was the love. What I realized in that last dying was that God's love was well beyond even the love I held for my mother, if those two things are the only thing so powerful I have ever encountered. I try not to think about it too often. It sort of rips me up when I do. But I know it, intimately. While, if dying painfully again, I realize I will still call for my mother... I know these two things. Give unto Caesar what is Caesar, and moms are one of our Caesars. And, mother is another name for a form of the love of God. All of this is wrapped up in the notion of family. It is as close to God as we can get without nearing or actually dying.
Call me a ninny, a crybaby. Deny my death, deny my vision. Don't deny my words upon your very soul. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. Trust me, it's a bargain. Imagine buying the Mona Lisa for a dollar, then stretch that beyond your imagination. For that is a weak, nearly negligible, example.
In short, being married Catholic stays. I'm in no shape, now, to revisit the other propositions. All men are equal when their memory fades, probably as it fades too. Even an ogre can cry, and know what real love is worth. It is simply everything. That is why I am a Catholic.
.
As I was reviewing my profile regarding a wife, looking at my list, I decided to deconstruct the list. I wanted to tear each piece apart. I wanted to see what could be negotiated, how much negotiation room there is, and what lines negotiations might take. I think I chose which of the three listed requirements to question first badly. No, not that everything can't be questioned. Merely that if you start with something that cannot be completed, the projects that must follow it are also delayed. As is I started with my notion regarding finding a woman able and willing to be married within the Church, the Catholic Church.
I thought the process of creating debate for this would be easy. I would either take a few steps in, find a dead end, and move on... or I would trek through thought after thought, ending at some solution or set of solutions. From the outside it may look like logic is a simple device, to be applied to apples, oranges, fruit pies, family, girlfriends, or whatever else may be presented. Some things simply don't work like that. This is one of those.
While I was freethinking the thing hit me that I should start from the start. Why am I Catholic, well, to within my knowledge of even what all that means? If I don't know that, I cannot know what it means to me. I can't give Catholicism a value, a social or intellectual or spiritual currency basis, without comparison, understanding, requiring some thought. I realized the seed of my conversion, the initial seeds, where probably from initial understandings. I had been Catholic for a very short time when I was quite young, if little of that was functional. Actually, the only thing I do remember is being in a Catholic grade school for about six months, part of either the first or second grade. That was it. And we didn't go to Church much, either. That was about the sum of my introduction to Catholicism.
I did try to find God. As a child, we moved a great deal, yearly at least, as I have mentioned. We almost always lived in small agricultural towns. Often there was only one church, always Protestant. So, I would go to what was available. I began reading and such, looking, seeking, wondering. Oh, and there are good, great, Christians out there who are not Catholic. And there are not so great Christians out there, me being among them. We do what we may. I never did find what I was looking for, eventually I drifted to secular social life.
It wasn't until after my third scrape with death that I, re-awoke? I had seen something there. Something wondrous. Though even now I won't say it was more than oxygen deprivation. But it did move me. Having been close enough to death that only a feather would have tipped the balance forever, and twice so painfully that I was sobbing for my mother, I later came to believe that... what I had experienced that second time was as close to being near God as a human can get before actual death. The love I felt was immeasurable. This was the actual conscious adult seed that sent me on a search for God again, and what led me to Catholicism through accepting and rejecting this and that notion about family, faith, all, and God.
Having cried for my mother once, in part due to nearly delirium inducing pain, I thought the thing was a fluke. I was not on good terms with my mother either of those times, for my part. But when it happened the second time, I realized there was something more to my wanting her near me than I had allowed myself to admit. The love of a mother is an extremely potent thing. I reminded myself of those guys I had literally knocked out, who always suggested they had slipped on something. *BaM* I too was trying to say... I had slipped on something. Well, and I did. When humility is beyond rejection, there was the love. What I realized in that last dying was that God's love was well beyond even the love I held for my mother, if those two things are the only thing so powerful I have ever encountered. I try not to think about it too often. It sort of rips me up when I do. But I know it, intimately. While, if dying painfully again, I realize I will still call for my mother... I know these two things. Give unto Caesar what is Caesar, and moms are one of our Caesars. And, mother is another name for a form of the love of God. All of this is wrapped up in the notion of family. It is as close to God as we can get without nearing or actually dying.
Call me a ninny, a crybaby. Deny my death, deny my vision. Don't deny my words upon your very soul. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. Trust me, it's a bargain. Imagine buying the Mona Lisa for a dollar, then stretch that beyond your imagination. For that is a weak, nearly negligible, example.
In short, being married Catholic stays. I'm in no shape, now, to revisit the other propositions. All men are equal when their memory fades, probably as it fades too. Even an ogre can cry, and know what real love is worth. It is simply everything. That is why I am a Catholic.
Ha!
.
.
Okay, nothing fancy. I am pleased though. No, didn't get much done. I did tell my friend, yesterday, that I would be in town today to get him shopping and out of his apartment. Without being able to sleep last night I was not sure I could fulfill my pledge. I stayed awake until 10:00, then 11:00, and he called. I suggested 13:00 as the time I would attempt to be there. I was hemorrhaging time like a pro, I knew, if I made it in, I would have to do something to... track time. Ah, that little timer! I set it for 25 minute intervals. The first two I just "wasted" trying to regain focus. The next interval was used to take a shower and get dressed. I then reset the thing to zero (it uses no battery life when reset). I was in my auto. I made it just on time. I need to start remembering this puppy when I try to make Mass. It won't always work, but it sure can help me keep track of moments.
In town I finally joined Sam's Club. Why? Bulk buying, mostly. As I know, it isn't always the most economical to buy there, bulk or no. What is good is the convenience. Some things, packaged in too large of doses, are useless to me. Many things are exactly what I am looking for. The odd thing is my friend could also get a card, so we split the cost. He needed primers too, so another store was visited. About that time my attempts to stay awake were coming unraveled. Still, a drive up the canyon is just the thing for a sleepy driver. It was raining, or threatening that strongly, so no shooting occurred. Up the canyon just a bit, then I told my friend I had to close the day down. He seemed happy with it, probably just realized how drowsy I had become and has this... thing about a longer life. :p
Dropping him off I headed straight home. I stayed up for dinner. At shortly after 18:00 I hit the sack like a freight train. No need for a pillow fight with myself, bothering with comfort, or rolling for an hour or three or five. *Bam* Lights out. I hit so damn hard I bet I left a crater in Sleepsville. Waking at 23:00 I am... casting about for food, fighting off the local natives (those girls are hungry all the time these days), and figuring out how much of a sleep time-out I will be forced to take before crash landing again. I would love to get back to bed in a few hours, then be up for daylight tomorrow. I have work to do!
I had zero luck with women today. Though, to be honest, women can be quick. It is only a few that 'put the lights on', and I think those are... exceptional displays, probably having to do with hormonal fluxes. It's the woman that looks at you while you aren't looking, and does so consciously, that would be the type of woman I am seeking. Of course, you probably won't catch such a woman... unless she wants to be caught, is free to be caught. They can eye-gauge you in about a billionth of a nano-second.
Oh, I realize that I... dabble in the fantasy. I make mistakes, or might see or make more of something than what is there. I might misconstrue something said by third parties. Leave my flights of fancy alone, it's... it gives me hope. At 45, I would be hard pressed to lure a 20-something, even a low 30-something might be a difficult catch. Being honest. And yet... even without wealth, it does happen. Perhaps more than ever. Many men, especially the younger men up into their 30's and older, are completely backing out of the whole marriage charade, many women are noticing. Women WANT to be married, most of them, if too few know what that even actually means. So many women just want the photos, dress, cake, party, social status, and dress, I think? Then again, maybe that is where it has to start for them? Men have our own... follies in this regard.
Oh, I'll begin looking through the Catholic sites, figure out which ones I would have any interest participating with. I do need to get some pictures taken, and in digital form. Though part of my holdup is that this computer for sure is simply not secure. Actually, no computer is secure. I won't paste my pictures anywhere, but I might send them to prospective women through certain channels. And, no, it won't be in a Speedo (or less). Heh. Still, I look better than Weiner. What was he, that was a 7th grade physique! The trick is to get flattering photos, or at least passable ones. I am, strictly speaking, not photogenic. Though I am not handsome to start with, age and size (size matters here, too, I just don't "fit" camera aspects well) really add to the toll. Thankfully women don't necessarily like what I like, visually, or even seem to see the same fricking thing? All good, all good, don't mind the notion expressed, that part can be discussed with a woman later. Ugh! If I frame the photo to show my full size... that actually helps. Having my head near the roof, framed (as much as is sometimes possible) in a door, or with me near a vehicle or other common large objects by which estimates can be made... that helps adjust the size issue. The ugly issue? No, that's just the way it is. Same with age, though shaving right before and being rested for the photo helps with that. Yugh! I hate photos, I really, really, do.
Later.
.
Okay, nothing fancy. I am pleased though. No, didn't get much done. I did tell my friend, yesterday, that I would be in town today to get him shopping and out of his apartment. Without being able to sleep last night I was not sure I could fulfill my pledge. I stayed awake until 10:00, then 11:00, and he called. I suggested 13:00 as the time I would attempt to be there. I was hemorrhaging time like a pro, I knew, if I made it in, I would have to do something to... track time. Ah, that little timer! I set it for 25 minute intervals. The first two I just "wasted" trying to regain focus. The next interval was used to take a shower and get dressed. I then reset the thing to zero (it uses no battery life when reset). I was in my auto. I made it just on time. I need to start remembering this puppy when I try to make Mass. It won't always work, but it sure can help me keep track of moments.
In town I finally joined Sam's Club. Why? Bulk buying, mostly. As I know, it isn't always the most economical to buy there, bulk or no. What is good is the convenience. Some things, packaged in too large of doses, are useless to me. Many things are exactly what I am looking for. The odd thing is my friend could also get a card, so we split the cost. He needed primers too, so another store was visited. About that time my attempts to stay awake were coming unraveled. Still, a drive up the canyon is just the thing for a sleepy driver. It was raining, or threatening that strongly, so no shooting occurred. Up the canyon just a bit, then I told my friend I had to close the day down. He seemed happy with it, probably just realized how drowsy I had become and has this... thing about a longer life. :p
Dropping him off I headed straight home. I stayed up for dinner. At shortly after 18:00 I hit the sack like a freight train. No need for a pillow fight with myself, bothering with comfort, or rolling for an hour or three or five. *Bam* Lights out. I hit so damn hard I bet I left a crater in Sleepsville. Waking at 23:00 I am... casting about for food, fighting off the local natives (those girls are hungry all the time these days), and figuring out how much of a sleep time-out I will be forced to take before crash landing again. I would love to get back to bed in a few hours, then be up for daylight tomorrow. I have work to do!
I had zero luck with women today. Though, to be honest, women can be quick. It is only a few that 'put the lights on', and I think those are... exceptional displays, probably having to do with hormonal fluxes. It's the woman that looks at you while you aren't looking, and does so consciously, that would be the type of woman I am seeking. Of course, you probably won't catch such a woman... unless she wants to be caught, is free to be caught. They can eye-gauge you in about a billionth of a nano-second.
Oh, I realize that I... dabble in the fantasy. I make mistakes, or might see or make more of something than what is there. I might misconstrue something said by third parties. Leave my flights of fancy alone, it's... it gives me hope. At 45, I would be hard pressed to lure a 20-something, even a low 30-something might be a difficult catch. Being honest. And yet... even without wealth, it does happen. Perhaps more than ever. Many men, especially the younger men up into their 30's and older, are completely backing out of the whole marriage charade, many women are noticing. Women WANT to be married, most of them, if too few know what that even actually means. So many women just want the photos, dress, cake, party, social status, and dress, I think? Then again, maybe that is where it has to start for them? Men have our own... follies in this regard.
Oh, I'll begin looking through the Catholic sites, figure out which ones I would have any interest participating with. I do need to get some pictures taken, and in digital form. Though part of my holdup is that this computer for sure is simply not secure. Actually, no computer is secure. I won't paste my pictures anywhere, but I might send them to prospective women through certain channels. And, no, it won't be in a Speedo (or less). Heh. Still, I look better than Weiner. What was he, that was a 7th grade physique! The trick is to get flattering photos, or at least passable ones. I am, strictly speaking, not photogenic. Though I am not handsome to start with, age and size (size matters here, too, I just don't "fit" camera aspects well) really add to the toll. Thankfully women don't necessarily like what I like, visually, or even seem to see the same fricking thing? All good, all good, don't mind the notion expressed, that part can be discussed with a woman later. Ugh! If I frame the photo to show my full size... that actually helps. Having my head near the roof, framed (as much as is sometimes possible) in a door, or with me near a vehicle or other common large objects by which estimates can be made... that helps adjust the size issue. The ugly issue? No, that's just the way it is. Same with age, though shaving right before and being rested for the photo helps with that. Yugh! I hate photos, I really, really, do.
Later.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Things on my mind, I guess.
.
.
I realize that people do read here. And, as can happen, they sort of treat reading here just as if they were talking to me and I told them what I wrote here. Now, that is fine for most things. What I say and write are quite often the same thing. When that isn't true, however, there seem to be... problems.
You aren't reading what I say, or even would say. You are being exposed to my mind, to the degree that is possible. There is, for example, the mundane, practical, sure, fact stuff. That is, for the most part, what I might tell you, along with some of the theory, that which is worked up well enough to be offered for review as well as being acceptable to polite company. What else goes on here is akin to data digestion. If you looked in my stomach after feeding me a dinner, would you think you had done the wrong thing to feed me? Maybe.
I think about things, explore possibilities, kick ideas around, and yes, have little fits of paranoia. If you see a problem, or belief that I seem to have, here, and it bugs you, but I never bring it up to you, ask you about it, or directly imply it when speaking with you, then it probably is nothing for you to worry about. Now, if on the other hand, you don't like something I write that is more of the factual... tough luck buddy. You are in MY mind. If you don't like it, blog off. I am what I am, I did what I did, I will do what I do, and only some of that can be addressed, even if I wanted it.
Yes, I have seen... doubts in eyes. I have had people glance away, or... such. Yes, I do know you read here. I may not ever have hunted a bear, I never went after a mountain lion or a rhino, but I have dealt with men on both sides of the hunt, and women too, if the two were usually different the tactics can be quite similar. I have known literally thousands of people, personally, well. I am better at reading people than you really have any reason to believe.
I'm still not sure if it is thought that I am completely full of crap, or full of it but entertaining (until I'm not), or... what. I think there is confusion, to a degree. Men say, if it smells like crap (or I don't like it), then it is crap. Women are more like, well, yeah, but... Are you sure it's crap, I mean, it could be... No, dear, it's crap. And yet even they... wonder. I see it, when you don't look at me (and have no reason not to), when you avert your eyes, or even when you look right into my eyes without... seeing. I don't care, just... I do notice. I almost hate this blog, sometimes, for that reason. But... this is simply what I thought would be a personal tool to... think things out, relive memories, try to keep a bit of a schedule... keep myself on better track, even live out fantasy to see how it might work out or look when pseudo printed. If you have a problem here, like I said, the problem is yours. Deal. You do realize, I may or may not take you on a long walk over a short pier, don't you? Even if I happened to be insane, which I don't think is true but let's play your game and say I am... I'm not stupid and insane.
.
I realize that people do read here. And, as can happen, they sort of treat reading here just as if they were talking to me and I told them what I wrote here. Now, that is fine for most things. What I say and write are quite often the same thing. When that isn't true, however, there seem to be... problems.
You aren't reading what I say, or even would say. You are being exposed to my mind, to the degree that is possible. There is, for example, the mundane, practical, sure, fact stuff. That is, for the most part, what I might tell you, along with some of the theory, that which is worked up well enough to be offered for review as well as being acceptable to polite company. What else goes on here is akin to data digestion. If you looked in my stomach after feeding me a dinner, would you think you had done the wrong thing to feed me? Maybe.
I think about things, explore possibilities, kick ideas around, and yes, have little fits of paranoia. If you see a problem, or belief that I seem to have, here, and it bugs you, but I never bring it up to you, ask you about it, or directly imply it when speaking with you, then it probably is nothing for you to worry about. Now, if on the other hand, you don't like something I write that is more of the factual... tough luck buddy. You are in MY mind. If you don't like it, blog off. I am what I am, I did what I did, I will do what I do, and only some of that can be addressed, even if I wanted it.
Yes, I have seen... doubts in eyes. I have had people glance away, or... such. Yes, I do know you read here. I may not ever have hunted a bear, I never went after a mountain lion or a rhino, but I have dealt with men on both sides of the hunt, and women too, if the two were usually different the tactics can be quite similar. I have known literally thousands of people, personally, well. I am better at reading people than you really have any reason to believe.
I'm still not sure if it is thought that I am completely full of crap, or full of it but entertaining (until I'm not), or... what. I think there is confusion, to a degree. Men say, if it smells like crap (or I don't like it), then it is crap. Women are more like, well, yeah, but... Are you sure it's crap, I mean, it could be... No, dear, it's crap. And yet even they... wonder. I see it, when you don't look at me (and have no reason not to), when you avert your eyes, or even when you look right into my eyes without... seeing. I don't care, just... I do notice. I almost hate this blog, sometimes, for that reason. But... this is simply what I thought would be a personal tool to... think things out, relive memories, try to keep a bit of a schedule... keep myself on better track, even live out fantasy to see how it might work out or look when pseudo printed. If you have a problem here, like I said, the problem is yours. Deal. You do realize, I may or may not take you on a long walk over a short pier, don't you? Even if I happened to be insane, which I don't think is true but let's play your game and say I am... I'm not stupid and insane.
Not quite.
.
.
Sleep doesn't always happen as I would wish it. I called my friend earlier today and he needs to shop and we will see if the mountain paths are open to travel in order to shoot just a bit. A pistol apiece, along for the ride, just in case. I set the thing up to try and not fall back into the pit. Perhaps with a bit of shopping, travel, and shooting I might find myself ready to shovel and pick tomorrow. Being able to do something nearly everyday makes the... sense of urgency fail. If I could dig another foot or maybe two into where I was digging I might have enough room to dig out under the faucet itself. The deeper the thing gets the further back I need to chip out in order to even be in the hole, or possible to get out of the hole. Clay, I am told, is what I am digging. Well, and rocks. Roots seem to grab rocks as well, pulling them around themselves like shields. A half hour might see me to a big enough hole to truly begin digging down.
Paranoia has visited. While I still get the sense that people have been in my home, what was missing has been found. There were only three places the items could have been. I put things in a specific place, when I am storing up on short to medium term items. These where there but had been set aside, out of place just a bit, then covered up. All good. And, no, these weren't actually items ornery rugrats would have taken, I was just... using misdirection with that. You can't blame me for being a bit paranoid though, on these matters. The last few places I lived I had people breaking in and really taking lots of things. I knew it but could do little about it, though the new locks the owner put on my door did actually stop most of it. You get a little... touchy. It wasn't even losing stuff. If someone needs, and asks, I would give what I could. Lend-lease sort of thing. I give you sugar today, perhaps I get flour from you tomorrow. I don't mind. Even if I never need I always have that... relationship. And my larder is yours if you are short and really in need, almost doesn't matter who you are, if I have it to offer. Don't... care... about... stuff... unless I am right about to eat it! :p
My prayers continue. Sometimes just in my mind, sometimes out loud. I've got the main prayer down to sections. One section is my standard devotional. Thank you for breath, life, not killing me as a child or young adult as I might sorely have deserved, and the rest. Another part is just about women, a wife, me, and how to mix, stir, bake, and not run away, run away fast. Sir Robin? Indeed. I have, from time to time, a special section regarding people in need. Sometimes I know of no one troubled, so simply pray for the weak, foolish, hungry, lost, ill, and such, oh, and enemies. Currently I have a number of people on the list, my enemies are more... the enemy over there... at the moment. And another section is for the Church, various ministries in the Church, the laity, and all, up and down the ascension, nun to our Pope. For wisdom there and for people to step forward to fill the roles. Sometimes it's a mouthful, sometimes if I am quite tired I just suggest God knows what is in my heart, touch on key points or needs or people, and leave it there. My silent little prayers are often for the first hearing that someone is in need, or about particularly bad or evil news, or when a thought comes to mind that... I would rather send away or possibly cherish. You know, it doesn't have to be all formal or just for bad things or wants?
I best be off to try to sleep again. I suggested my friend call around 11:00 or 12:00. I may not get eight or even six hours of sleep in. As long as I get some rest and a bit of sleep I should be good.
I did see two article regarding women and choosing their mates. One article makes it seem that women make snap (3 minutes max) decisions. Though the writer of the article seems to understand my own thinking as I come about on some matters, albeit they do it from a woman's perspective or side of things. The other article indicates decisions are dependent on a woman's cycles, she will choose a playboy at high noon, a beta the rest of the time. And, yeah, that makes ugly sense from what I have seen. It sure makes me wonder which I am now considered. It helps me understand the hit and miss thing for me. Now, which am I though? Heh. Puzzle me this... If I am seen as alpha, that is an excellent thing. I have some built in beta with the house, an income, and being ill, mostly. Seriously. Or... is it the other way around. Ghah! Enough thinking for the night.
Good night.
.
Sleep doesn't always happen as I would wish it. I called my friend earlier today and he needs to shop and we will see if the mountain paths are open to travel in order to shoot just a bit. A pistol apiece, along for the ride, just in case. I set the thing up to try and not fall back into the pit. Perhaps with a bit of shopping, travel, and shooting I might find myself ready to shovel and pick tomorrow. Being able to do something nearly everyday makes the... sense of urgency fail. If I could dig another foot or maybe two into where I was digging I might have enough room to dig out under the faucet itself. The deeper the thing gets the further back I need to chip out in order to even be in the hole, or possible to get out of the hole. Clay, I am told, is what I am digging. Well, and rocks. Roots seem to grab rocks as well, pulling them around themselves like shields. A half hour might see me to a big enough hole to truly begin digging down.
Paranoia has visited. While I still get the sense that people have been in my home, what was missing has been found. There were only three places the items could have been. I put things in a specific place, when I am storing up on short to medium term items. These where there but had been set aside, out of place just a bit, then covered up. All good. And, no, these weren't actually items ornery rugrats would have taken, I was just... using misdirection with that. You can't blame me for being a bit paranoid though, on these matters. The last few places I lived I had people breaking in and really taking lots of things. I knew it but could do little about it, though the new locks the owner put on my door did actually stop most of it. You get a little... touchy. It wasn't even losing stuff. If someone needs, and asks, I would give what I could. Lend-lease sort of thing. I give you sugar today, perhaps I get flour from you tomorrow. I don't mind. Even if I never need I always have that... relationship. And my larder is yours if you are short and really in need, almost doesn't matter who you are, if I have it to offer. Don't... care... about... stuff... unless I am right about to eat it! :p
My prayers continue. Sometimes just in my mind, sometimes out loud. I've got the main prayer down to sections. One section is my standard devotional. Thank you for breath, life, not killing me as a child or young adult as I might sorely have deserved, and the rest. Another part is just about women, a wife, me, and how to mix, stir, bake, and not run away, run away fast. Sir Robin? Indeed. I have, from time to time, a special section regarding people in need. Sometimes I know of no one troubled, so simply pray for the weak, foolish, hungry, lost, ill, and such, oh, and enemies. Currently I have a number of people on the list, my enemies are more... the enemy over there... at the moment. And another section is for the Church, various ministries in the Church, the laity, and all, up and down the ascension, nun to our Pope. For wisdom there and for people to step forward to fill the roles. Sometimes it's a mouthful, sometimes if I am quite tired I just suggest God knows what is in my heart, touch on key points or needs or people, and leave it there. My silent little prayers are often for the first hearing that someone is in need, or about particularly bad or evil news, or when a thought comes to mind that... I would rather send away or possibly cherish. You know, it doesn't have to be all formal or just for bad things or wants?
I best be off to try to sleep again. I suggested my friend call around 11:00 or 12:00. I may not get eight or even six hours of sleep in. As long as I get some rest and a bit of sleep I should be good.
I did see two article regarding women and choosing their mates. One article makes it seem that women make snap (3 minutes max) decisions. Though the writer of the article seems to understand my own thinking as I come about on some matters, albeit they do it from a woman's perspective or side of things. The other article indicates decisions are dependent on a woman's cycles, she will choose a playboy at high noon, a beta the rest of the time. And, yeah, that makes ugly sense from what I have seen. It sure makes me wonder which I am now considered. It helps me understand the hit and miss thing for me. Now, which am I though? Heh. Puzzle me this... If I am seen as alpha, that is an excellent thing. I have some built in beta with the house, an income, and being ill, mostly. Seriously. Or... is it the other way around. Ghah! Enough thinking for the night.
Good night.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Okay, yeah, I see that.
.
.
The problem? Finding women who will fit a simple formula. And, yes, it has to fit. She needs to be able and willing to marry in the Catholic Church, she has to be able to have children and be completely open to that, and she has to be willing to be a stay-at-home mom. That is a rather short list, a rather constraining one as well. Oh, sure, I can meet women. I have met women. There are women available to me right now, though probably not for marriage. And there are thousands of women all around, some of them worthy of a strong pursuit. But with the huge lopsided random variables that I would need to but won't be setting aside.
A quick review of suggested places to meet women comes up with the same things I used to use. Bars were not a good place to find a woman, for a number of reasons. The other places, such as grocery stores, sporting events, and such offer some chance of an encounter, but a completely random encounter... one based on appearances, mutual interest, the very things I am needing to get away from to a degree. While those are great if you are willing to completely adjust your goals, or simply free-style the thing, this is where my mechanical hang-up is.
The suggestion that comes up the most, as the most reliable, is through building contacts. Well, yes. That is what I am doing, as poorly as I do it. This method takes the most time, being relatively new to a new area. I think, absolutely, this is probably the most likely scenario. It isn't perfect, it isn't what my nature likes, but to get from the point a of bachelorhood to point b of being married as I have described, it is probably the only way. Now, I am trying to become involved anyway. So that isn't as big of a strain as it might have been, say, ten years ago. I live in a place where society is sane enough to contemplate taking part in it. And, while I would like to do more, sometimes I just won't be able to be involved. But, that is going forward.
No, this isn't going to be just running down to the store and buying a loaf of bread. That never worked for me anyway. It may, in truth, never happen. I might be deemed as unfit, and reasonably arguably that might be true. The women who are presented, if such a thing happens, may not be interested. I may not be interested. I really should have figured this out years ago. I simply didn't have a working model, a faith, nor did I see, being mostly secular, what the payoff would be. Heck, I still argue that a secular man probably shouldn't commit to marriage. There simply is no need and a lot of reasons against it. I might even go so far as to say that if you are a Christian man, weighing all things, at this time in history, marriage might best be abandoned. As if that isn't happening anyway. For many. Why I am called to it, and seriously looking into it... is a personal thing. A literal calling. For many mistaken men, it is a repetition of what they saw their parents do, or even what happens in the movies. Ser-us-ly. A behavior based on laws and social notions that are no longer in play. Bah! Something like that. Still, given my marching orders, despite my uneasiness, that is my plan.
It actually looks like I am doing, as ably as I can, the right things. I am casting my nets in the correct waters, or at least I have found the right waters. I am focusing myself on my past and present in order to produce a better future. I am even thinking about any possible Mrs., and tending to her real needs, before having met her. I will be her guardian, that needs to start, albeit reasonably, beforehand. I can't treat a woman as a lump of pleasurable flesh in my mind or during our initial dustup only to later come to be protective. Trust me, that doesn't work. It might work for some, but I see that as the incorrect way. There are little strands of things I am seeing, things that work, things that don't work, things that are neutral, and how they need to be twined together, not just... something... Sort of like playing a piano using several fingers and both hands rather than pecking at the keyboard with one finger. Much better music is produced when fully engaged. Yeah, I'm... doing okay.
Well, and actually, I am now in a place, an area of the country, where marriage is still held as valid, where wives are lauded for being heart and hearth of the home, and where mothers are honored and respected. I have a home. I've been moving this way for a long time, come to think of it. I suppose I should just relax a bit and enjoy the journey too. It's been a long one. A good one. God sort of sneaks good things up on you when you are trying to do His will. Even if you can't always see it or grow impatient. Something about forests and trees perhaps.
Good day.
.
The problem? Finding women who will fit a simple formula. And, yes, it has to fit. She needs to be able and willing to marry in the Catholic Church, she has to be able to have children and be completely open to that, and she has to be willing to be a stay-at-home mom. That is a rather short list, a rather constraining one as well. Oh, sure, I can meet women. I have met women. There are women available to me right now, though probably not for marriage. And there are thousands of women all around, some of them worthy of a strong pursuit. But with the huge lopsided random variables that I would need to but won't be setting aside.
A quick review of suggested places to meet women comes up with the same things I used to use. Bars were not a good place to find a woman, for a number of reasons. The other places, such as grocery stores, sporting events, and such offer some chance of an encounter, but a completely random encounter... one based on appearances, mutual interest, the very things I am needing to get away from to a degree. While those are great if you are willing to completely adjust your goals, or simply free-style the thing, this is where my mechanical hang-up is.
The suggestion that comes up the most, as the most reliable, is through building contacts. Well, yes. That is what I am doing, as poorly as I do it. This method takes the most time, being relatively new to a new area. I think, absolutely, this is probably the most likely scenario. It isn't perfect, it isn't what my nature likes, but to get from the point a of bachelorhood to point b of being married as I have described, it is probably the only way. Now, I am trying to become involved anyway. So that isn't as big of a strain as it might have been, say, ten years ago. I live in a place where society is sane enough to contemplate taking part in it. And, while I would like to do more, sometimes I just won't be able to be involved. But, that is going forward.
No, this isn't going to be just running down to the store and buying a loaf of bread. That never worked for me anyway. It may, in truth, never happen. I might be deemed as unfit, and reasonably arguably that might be true. The women who are presented, if such a thing happens, may not be interested. I may not be interested. I really should have figured this out years ago. I simply didn't have a working model, a faith, nor did I see, being mostly secular, what the payoff would be. Heck, I still argue that a secular man probably shouldn't commit to marriage. There simply is no need and a lot of reasons against it. I might even go so far as to say that if you are a Christian man, weighing all things, at this time in history, marriage might best be abandoned. As if that isn't happening anyway. For many. Why I am called to it, and seriously looking into it... is a personal thing. A literal calling. For many mistaken men, it is a repetition of what they saw their parents do, or even what happens in the movies. Ser-us-ly. A behavior based on laws and social notions that are no longer in play. Bah! Something like that. Still, given my marching orders, despite my uneasiness, that is my plan.
It actually looks like I am doing, as ably as I can, the right things. I am casting my nets in the correct waters, or at least I have found the right waters. I am focusing myself on my past and present in order to produce a better future. I am even thinking about any possible Mrs., and tending to her real needs, before having met her. I will be her guardian, that needs to start, albeit reasonably, beforehand. I can't treat a woman as a lump of pleasurable flesh in my mind or during our initial dustup only to later come to be protective. Trust me, that doesn't work. It might work for some, but I see that as the incorrect way. There are little strands of things I am seeing, things that work, things that don't work, things that are neutral, and how they need to be twined together, not just... something... Sort of like playing a piano using several fingers and both hands rather than pecking at the keyboard with one finger. Much better music is produced when fully engaged. Yeah, I'm... doing okay.
Well, and actually, I am now in a place, an area of the country, where marriage is still held as valid, where wives are lauded for being heart and hearth of the home, and where mothers are honored and respected. I have a home. I've been moving this way for a long time, come to think of it. I suppose I should just relax a bit and enjoy the journey too. It's been a long one. A good one. God sort of sneaks good things up on you when you are trying to do His will. Even if you can't always see it or grow impatient. Something about forests and trees perhaps.
Good day.
When you can't sleep or stay awake...
.
.
The mind wanders when left to it's own devices. And, like the thing with the tongue going over the tooth that hurts, the mind finds what is troubling and... digs in. All good. The "revert to draft" button fixes a fixated mind. Although, in writing, I did see the immature nature of my life. Yes. That want of freedom, a freedom that as a bachelor I know doesn't really exist. It is sort of the difference between freedom of and freedom from religion. It can be difficult to see at certain angles but it is certainly there.
I ended up finally getting to bed around 9:00 or 10:00 or maybe even 11:00. I was so bombed when I went to bed at 8:30 and yet I simply could not sleep until a good deal later. I'll be working on that. Though, for the moment, I am sort of driven by health? I did push this weekend, and my body pushed back, most likely. All good, I did some good work. I stood up and tried to at least show some support for what I say I believe. It was, comparatively, rather weak. But it was everything I had and then some, by the feel of things.
Bones and body are on the mend. Actually, now, the only real pain I have is from sleeping so awfully. The legs and back are still a bit stiff, not painful. I am hoping to roust around tomorrow and get back to shoveling. I am hoping to stretch the digging up to a half hour, though I won't promise that. Even today I may get nothing done, as was the case yesterday. My goals failed to be fulfilled. I hope to do more. As I hoped yesterday. As I hope tomorrow.
Did anyone else hear that Eduardo Saverin, co-founder of Facebook, had denounced his US citizenship? Oh, some people are jumping mad about it. To be honest I am not. If I was about to come into a ton of money like that I would be on the first boat off this shipwreck, or definitely considering it. How much has he already paid, and to what ends, what thanks? One must realize there are... problems with renouncing US citizenship. He may well learn that. Money can be a comfort, and great money can permit access, freedoms, possibilities. It can also become an anchor in an angry see of hungry people, greedy people and governments everywhere, and lots of mischief. Then again, isn't that why he is ending his US citizenship. Be angry all you want, I can't say I blame him, at all. His family left their home nation because of kidnapping threats, he is leaving this nation because of direct threats to his wealth (HIS WEALTH). Oh, and leave California even if you can't quite leave the US. Stop giving in to stupid, economically suicidal, politics and policies. Just quit feeding the machine that turns your money into mulch, and doubles down by printing more money reducing the worth of your wealth further and on top of it! He is not denouncing the US as a nation, he is denouncing the current US theft of his money. Yikes.
All good. Have a good day.
.
The mind wanders when left to it's own devices. And, like the thing with the tongue going over the tooth that hurts, the mind finds what is troubling and... digs in. All good. The "revert to draft" button fixes a fixated mind. Although, in writing, I did see the immature nature of my life. Yes. That want of freedom, a freedom that as a bachelor I know doesn't really exist. It is sort of the difference between freedom of and freedom from religion. It can be difficult to see at certain angles but it is certainly there.
I ended up finally getting to bed around 9:00 or 10:00 or maybe even 11:00. I was so bombed when I went to bed at 8:30 and yet I simply could not sleep until a good deal later. I'll be working on that. Though, for the moment, I am sort of driven by health? I did push this weekend, and my body pushed back, most likely. All good, I did some good work. I stood up and tried to at least show some support for what I say I believe. It was, comparatively, rather weak. But it was everything I had and then some, by the feel of things.
Bones and body are on the mend. Actually, now, the only real pain I have is from sleeping so awfully. The legs and back are still a bit stiff, not painful. I am hoping to roust around tomorrow and get back to shoveling. I am hoping to stretch the digging up to a half hour, though I won't promise that. Even today I may get nothing done, as was the case yesterday. My goals failed to be fulfilled. I hope to do more. As I hoped yesterday. As I hope tomorrow.
Did anyone else hear that Eduardo Saverin, co-founder of Facebook, had denounced his US citizenship? Oh, some people are jumping mad about it. To be honest I am not. If I was about to come into a ton of money like that I would be on the first boat off this shipwreck, or definitely considering it. How much has he already paid, and to what ends, what thanks? One must realize there are... problems with renouncing US citizenship. He may well learn that. Money can be a comfort, and great money can permit access, freedoms, possibilities. It can also become an anchor in an angry see of hungry people, greedy people and governments everywhere, and lots of mischief. Then again, isn't that why he is ending his US citizenship. Be angry all you want, I can't say I blame him, at all. His family left their home nation because of kidnapping threats, he is leaving this nation because of direct threats to his wealth (HIS WEALTH). Oh, and leave California even if you can't quite leave the US. Stop giving in to stupid, economically suicidal, politics and policies. Just quit feeding the machine that turns your money into mulch, and doubles down by printing more money reducing the worth of your wealth further and on top of it! He is not denouncing the US as a nation, he is denouncing the current US theft of his money. Yikes.
All good. Have a good day.
Monday, May 14, 2012
B.S. testing and analysis.
.
.
Oh, not b.s. as in bachelor of science, by the way.
Sitting here thinking about recent events, discussions, posts written, and life in general, I blushed about some of the things I have stated. Some of it because it was true and might ought to have not been expressed, or at least in the way it was communicated. Sometimes because I question the, urhm, absolute validity of the material as expressed. Oh, you... didn't notice? Hushemup.
Now, I know, I am not the only man on the planet who does any of that, and more as that just covers some of the bragging, stretching, and even outright fabrication that can go on. My deal is that I express things more often than most guys. I talk and write a goodly deal. So, that nature of man ends up being... rather well covered here. I don't mind. Put two hunters or fishermen in the same room for a bit, if you want to ramp it up add in a six pack of beer and... you will hear some amazing stories. Some of what was hunted or caught, if... not officially recorded. And some of what got away or was released or allowed to live out of the goodness of a man's heart. *grins*
First thing, while the story telling can end up with a heaping helping of b.s., it usually isn't based on whole cloth. True, a fisherman probably never caught a 30 pound German Brown, or took an 18 point buck. It could be, but it might just be a stretch. The thing is the man probably did catch a large fish or hunted a rather goodly sized buck. There usually is something to the smoke, sometimes even the truth.
Another issue is that, while a man might have done those things exactly or thereabouts, it doesn't mean he would necessarily run right out and do those things again. If he said he fought four guys and won, and even if he did, it doesn't mean he wants to go out and relive the "glory". At the time he was simply trying to survive, literally if what he is saying is true. That part... doesn't always make the editor's cut. Same goes for dealing with women. The more women you have been involved with, should you try to come clean in life, the more difficult it is to deal with even one woman. It's easy to... revert to bad habits, regarding women.
The other thing I noticed is that, when people realize you are indeed what you are, they wonder why you don't act like you did. If he is such a womanizer, and catcher of women, why does he just... sit there? If he is such a fighter, why isn't he out looking for trouble. I covered the why, this is more about social expectation. Some guys live vicariously off the backs of wretches. I have been a wretch, of sorts, if just as often accidentally or incidentally. I don't wish to continue being so. I will say this though, if you see me in such a situation, you probably will realize that my stories aren't all stretch and no truth. You might even realize that my stretching is rather light, when it does occur. Still, that isn't to say I don't say things in a rude or direct way. And I might stretch a tad on this or that. But mostly, if I stretch, it is to make it look like what I did I absolutely meant to do and had no fear while doing it, or such.
On another subject, reading a blog about alphas, I noticed that the "code of alpha" was to remain calm. To back things off or up if the wrong tone is presented. Now, while I seemingly do that, and very well, on the inside? No, I might be shaking in my boots, I just don't (apparently) seem to show it. That does keep things in my court. Despite, in truth, often having no idea what something "being in my court" means or how to use it. I just muddle through. I can buy time with a stone cold face, that doesn't mean I know what to do. Which does make me question whether I am alpha or just a look-alike through trial and error, or even, like wise men who are said to be wise merely by not saying anything... I just get a rap for an absence of presence?
I realize that my size is part of why I try not to express feelings visually. When someone my size even scrunches his face a bit... I've seen women cry at a slight facial expression of disapproval. *grins* I sort of have to be careful. Oh, when I am truly angry, people duck. Unless they were intending to fight anyway, though a good grimace has changed minds. I wonder how much size has to deal with the perception of being alpha? I am enough outside of the normal size to be considered different, size wise. Not just big, but huge, really. If not quite, or just barely depending on your thoughts, a giant.
So, there you go. I have no idea if any of it is true, but that's my take. More questions than answers, but that is what I do.
The aspirin has helped a great deal. I don't hurt nearly as much, if stiffness remains. A bit more goofing then on to a bit of work. Laundry, cleaning the toilets, and setting up the extra bed is all I have planned. If I can do more I will. Maybe being awake yesterday might help me get back to a day schedule. I will try to get to bed earlier, too, if at all possible. Supper arrived today and took me a bit by surprise. I, somehow, was thinking it was still Sunday and I had just gotten supper. Working during a normal sleep schedule really makes things fuzzy sometimes. Too funny. Later.
.
Oh, not b.s. as in bachelor of science, by the way.
Sitting here thinking about recent events, discussions, posts written, and life in general, I blushed about some of the things I have stated. Some of it because it was true and might ought to have not been expressed, or at least in the way it was communicated. Sometimes because I question the, urhm, absolute validity of the material as expressed. Oh, you... didn't notice? Hushemup.
Now, I know, I am not the only man on the planet who does any of that, and more as that just covers some of the bragging, stretching, and even outright fabrication that can go on. My deal is that I express things more often than most guys. I talk and write a goodly deal. So, that nature of man ends up being... rather well covered here. I don't mind. Put two hunters or fishermen in the same room for a bit, if you want to ramp it up add in a six pack of beer and... you will hear some amazing stories. Some of what was hunted or caught, if... not officially recorded. And some of what got away or was released or allowed to live out of the goodness of a man's heart. *grins*
First thing, while the story telling can end up with a heaping helping of b.s., it usually isn't based on whole cloth. True, a fisherman probably never caught a 30 pound German Brown, or took an 18 point buck. It could be, but it might just be a stretch. The thing is the man probably did catch a large fish or hunted a rather goodly sized buck. There usually is something to the smoke, sometimes even the truth.
Another issue is that, while a man might have done those things exactly or thereabouts, it doesn't mean he would necessarily run right out and do those things again. If he said he fought four guys and won, and even if he did, it doesn't mean he wants to go out and relive the "glory". At the time he was simply trying to survive, literally if what he is saying is true. That part... doesn't always make the editor's cut. Same goes for dealing with women. The more women you have been involved with, should you try to come clean in life, the more difficult it is to deal with even one woman. It's easy to... revert to bad habits, regarding women.
The other thing I noticed is that, when people realize you are indeed what you are, they wonder why you don't act like you did. If he is such a womanizer, and catcher of women, why does he just... sit there? If he is such a fighter, why isn't he out looking for trouble. I covered the why, this is more about social expectation. Some guys live vicariously off the backs of wretches. I have been a wretch, of sorts, if just as often accidentally or incidentally. I don't wish to continue being so. I will say this though, if you see me in such a situation, you probably will realize that my stories aren't all stretch and no truth. You might even realize that my stretching is rather light, when it does occur. Still, that isn't to say I don't say things in a rude or direct way. And I might stretch a tad on this or that. But mostly, if I stretch, it is to make it look like what I did I absolutely meant to do and had no fear while doing it, or such.
On another subject, reading a blog about alphas, I noticed that the "code of alpha" was to remain calm. To back things off or up if the wrong tone is presented. Now, while I seemingly do that, and very well, on the inside? No, I might be shaking in my boots, I just don't (apparently) seem to show it. That does keep things in my court. Despite, in truth, often having no idea what something "being in my court" means or how to use it. I just muddle through. I can buy time with a stone cold face, that doesn't mean I know what to do. Which does make me question whether I am alpha or just a look-alike through trial and error, or even, like wise men who are said to be wise merely by not saying anything... I just get a rap for an absence of presence?
I realize that my size is part of why I try not to express feelings visually. When someone my size even scrunches his face a bit... I've seen women cry at a slight facial expression of disapproval. *grins* I sort of have to be careful. Oh, when I am truly angry, people duck. Unless they were intending to fight anyway, though a good grimace has changed minds. I wonder how much size has to deal with the perception of being alpha? I am enough outside of the normal size to be considered different, size wise. Not just big, but huge, really. If not quite, or just barely depending on your thoughts, a giant.
So, there you go. I have no idea if any of it is true, but that's my take. More questions than answers, but that is what I do.
The aspirin has helped a great deal. I don't hurt nearly as much, if stiffness remains. A bit more goofing then on to a bit of work. Laundry, cleaning the toilets, and setting up the extra bed is all I have planned. If I can do more I will. Maybe being awake yesterday might help me get back to a day schedule. I will try to get to bed earlier, too, if at all possible. Supper arrived today and took me a bit by surprise. I, somehow, was thinking it was still Sunday and I had just gotten supper. Working during a normal sleep schedule really makes things fuzzy sometimes. Too funny. Later.
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