.
.
I got a shower in but skipped the shave. The shower about floored me. Tired. It ended up that supper was to be arriving between 18:00 and 19:00, so... I waited for that. I needed to wait anyway, to get a second wind. After I ate I started to mentally sort out what I wanted to accomplish tonight. My shopping list was hammered down, and I ensured the list went with me. A good thing too, I had to constantly check the list. Not that there was all that much but the items were diverse and my mind keeps wanting to just shut down. Tired.
On the good side, in spite of being up to 280.6 pounds, I can actually easily get into my "thin" jeans (somewhere between 37/39 waist). I am starting to think, perhaps, that I developed muscle while my mother worked me. Considering how lathargic I had been, it wouldn't take much to have built up, if it might take time and food to fill out. And I seem to be dried out, with the water pills. My ankles, abdomen, fingers, and everywhere else seem normal so that I might be cutting my water pill by half a tab, down to one and a half tab, so as not to pursue a dead horse with it. I, considering I am an ugly man, look as good as I have looked in decades tonight. I'm not overflowing my thin jeans, and the muscle shirt looks like... well... like it belongs on me. Heh.
Before I left I wanted to find the old gas cap, to see if that was what was causing the engine light to be freaking me out. A bit of looking, and a number of other items were found along the way, including my old multi-meter. It's digital and relatively modern, from the mid 90's. I'll have to check it, though it probably needs a 9v battery. I believe I took that out long ago when storing it. I hope I did! After a goodly bit of looking I finally did find the gas cap. The guy at Midas believed that the engine would take a run cycle, but would turn off the light, if that was the problem. I suspected differently. So, before starting the engine, I put the new/old cap on. Ahhhh... No engine warning light when I lit her up, or when I lit her up after each store or on the way home! So, I can cancel the car doc appointment and drive to SLC with no worries.
In town I took the non-contact volt tester in for an exchange first thing. I went and got another. Nope, it too refused to make sound. The only other option was to upgrade and hope, I wasn't willing to give that company a third try, or really a second as that is why it was tested before I left the store. I didn't think to test the Milwaukee brand device before leaving, though I should have. No problems, it does work. At $10 more, it better have worked. I then grabbed a punch/keyhole saw and decided to also get the add-on for the Dremel. Why? Because I know part of the drywall I will be cutting is directly attached to a joist. Which means the punch saw will not do well there. Further, as I begin messing with other electrical around my home I am guessing I will find other areas where having something that cuts just through the drywall without cutting what is behind it will be a better, if messier, slower, and more expensive means of doing the job. It will be a specialty tool for those odd areas. At least I didn't go whole hog and by the cordless Dremel too (it was there, begging me to take it home, at the right price too, Bah!).
On to the grocery store. I about had sticker shock, the bill rang up to slightly over $200. Okay, 3 months worth of cat litter (which can be hard to find, even if I didn't want to start storing some of it I wanted to have more than one extra bag on hand), so... yeah. And, about that much in wet cat food, three month's worth, as I rotate that, and wanted to fill up my 'use' larder which was empty, while also adding just a few boxes of it to the mid-term larder (there is no real way to long term store pet food, I think, save by raising chickens and fishing?). Milk, cat treats, and chocolate covered cherries finished the list. I've tasted boutique chocolate covered cherries, but to be honest, I enjoy Queen Anne cordial cherries by far. I saved getting coffee for tomorrow. I may just check Well-Foods, or whatever, in SLC, so I can take the faster/shorter way home though. Plus, I enjoy shopping there. Brings back memories of another life, if I have to put up with hippies and snobs to do it. Of course, there is some fun to raiding their 'sanctuaries', bringing my form and nature right through their hateful "peaceful" little world, like a tank through Jonestown or something. *evil grins* It might frighten some of the littlens, but it lets the bad actors know to be good.
No, I didn't make it to my friends. I got a later start than anticipated, I was and am already dragging bottom, and I just didn't think it would work. Bleh. I think we are scheduled for a Saturday shoot. I will just have to figure out how to keep that, then find out when he wants to go again and make that.
Tomorrow I have to be up and out by... 10:00 is my guess. With a long shower tonight, a quicky will do in the morning. Since I will driving through the noon rush, I don't want to shave my time too closely. A two hour trip can quickly turn into a three or four hour trip. An accident, heavier than usual although usual is bad enough. Yep, tomorrow I will find out if the medicine has done a thing, what of it I can take and have taken. I am a bit afraid of this test. If my heart is much improved, than the problem is me or something else. If it isn't improved... options thin a bit. Hmm, we will see. A slight improvement though, to 20% or even 30% would be... the optimum answer. I guess time will tell.
Oh, well, now to figure out how to try to sleep, or even rest, before too long. I don't want to go in sleep deprived or otherwise stressed. I wonder, if I get there early, would they mind if I sacked out a bit? They might need to use a cattle prod to wake me though. Heh.
Good night.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
I am not going to just quit.
.
.
Something is wrong. I could just crawl into my shell. And sometimes I probably will, from time to time, without thought. If your hand has slipped into fire, withdrawing it from the heat is NOT a choice. Only a true psychopath or other variant, or a powerful man who has a call above his own safe keeping and a need, could keep his hand in the fire. So, I will sleep, by needs, from time to time. This is not one of those times where I am quite in the fire. Or, maybe it is. But I have things to do, I have a few goals I want to accomplish, before I... slip.
To that end I called my mother last night. A few final gifts needed to be reviewed, an address needed to be found. She was asleep, so she said this morning when she called back. All good, I have the information. Plus I got a little chat time with the mom-type. All good. She called as I was crawling into bed, but before I had really even gotten to the doze zone, so it worked. After my sleep, I woke, and in typical scattered fashion, went through a chaotic run time but ended up getting my weight, bp, and such. But before taking medicine I decided to call the heart clinic, to let them know that my bp still isn't lowering much and about that spike. They were happy to hear from me, and reminded me that I have an echo cardiogram tomorrow. Yep, I knew and plan to be there, making the P.A. happier still. She suggested they will wait for the results of the echo, then reassess my medicine. I will call them Monday if I haven't heard from them before that. Yes, I am going to try to work with these people much more closely, if I have to do it over the phone at times.
Next I called Midas. They can't see the X'ter until tomorrow or Friday. Fine, but I can't do it tomorrow, not knowing how long it might take, having an appointment in SLC midday. So I set up for a Friday visit. It's the best I can do. I do suspect the gas cap, a locking one but one which has been jacked too often. I am not sure it is locking down as it should now. So, I need to look for the old cap, I kept it (at the time, kept for sentimental reasons... I'm a stock preferring kind of guy). I will place that on before going to town. Finally, I plan to get a shower and hit the stores soon. I have hardware and grocery needs, I could probably also get some coffee. I have been avoiding, mostly, soda. A small thing, perhaps, but tending coffee is less... automatic? It is a task and a chore, requiring grinding coffee by hand, making the coffee, then mixing my slurry just right. It keeps me more involved with my and the world.
So, while I may be slipping, while things seem to be getting away from me in dark little ways, I am not just going to lay down and take it. I am going to be fighting for my life. I got a bit of a quickening through the visit my mother paid. I then added kindling to that fire with starting up medicine and opening up the heart clinic and my gp visits. And now my home is much more homey and still rather serviceably kempt. I don't want to lose track of this. So, for my part, I will... dig in. Like I tried to dig in, and did at times, in engineering school. My stock life is as hard as engineering school would be for most. Everything is either a test, or material to be learned for some mid-term and certainly the finals. It is impossible, but... I can, and have many times, done the impossible. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Maybe not, in secular terms, but... it's often the road, not the end, that justifies effort in the mortal realm. So, here I go.
Hmm, a shower, shave, and a Skip to My Lou to town (no pun intended). Good day!
.
Something is wrong. I could just crawl into my shell. And sometimes I probably will, from time to time, without thought. If your hand has slipped into fire, withdrawing it from the heat is NOT a choice. Only a true psychopath or other variant, or a powerful man who has a call above his own safe keeping and a need, could keep his hand in the fire. So, I will sleep, by needs, from time to time. This is not one of those times where I am quite in the fire. Or, maybe it is. But I have things to do, I have a few goals I want to accomplish, before I... slip.
To that end I called my mother last night. A few final gifts needed to be reviewed, an address needed to be found. She was asleep, so she said this morning when she called back. All good, I have the information. Plus I got a little chat time with the mom-type. All good. She called as I was crawling into bed, but before I had really even gotten to the doze zone, so it worked. After my sleep, I woke, and in typical scattered fashion, went through a chaotic run time but ended up getting my weight, bp, and such. But before taking medicine I decided to call the heart clinic, to let them know that my bp still isn't lowering much and about that spike. They were happy to hear from me, and reminded me that I have an echo cardiogram tomorrow. Yep, I knew and plan to be there, making the P.A. happier still. She suggested they will wait for the results of the echo, then reassess my medicine. I will call them Monday if I haven't heard from them before that. Yes, I am going to try to work with these people much more closely, if I have to do it over the phone at times.
Next I called Midas. They can't see the X'ter until tomorrow or Friday. Fine, but I can't do it tomorrow, not knowing how long it might take, having an appointment in SLC midday. So I set up for a Friday visit. It's the best I can do. I do suspect the gas cap, a locking one but one which has been jacked too often. I am not sure it is locking down as it should now. So, I need to look for the old cap, I kept it (at the time, kept for sentimental reasons... I'm a stock preferring kind of guy). I will place that on before going to town. Finally, I plan to get a shower and hit the stores soon. I have hardware and grocery needs, I could probably also get some coffee. I have been avoiding, mostly, soda. A small thing, perhaps, but tending coffee is less... automatic? It is a task and a chore, requiring grinding coffee by hand, making the coffee, then mixing my slurry just right. It keeps me more involved with my and the world.
So, while I may be slipping, while things seem to be getting away from me in dark little ways, I am not just going to lay down and take it. I am going to be fighting for my life. I got a bit of a quickening through the visit my mother paid. I then added kindling to that fire with starting up medicine and opening up the heart clinic and my gp visits. And now my home is much more homey and still rather serviceably kempt. I don't want to lose track of this. So, for my part, I will... dig in. Like I tried to dig in, and did at times, in engineering school. My stock life is as hard as engineering school would be for most. Everything is either a test, or material to be learned for some mid-term and certainly the finals. It is impossible, but... I can, and have many times, done the impossible. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Maybe not, in secular terms, but... it's often the road, not the end, that justifies effort in the mortal realm. So, here I go.
Hmm, a shower, shave, and a Skip to My Lou to town (no pun intended). Good day!
Alright, who said anything about square dancing?
.
.
Two to four steps forward, one to six back, advancing through time if nothing else. Over, around, through, and over. You are getting there. Now take your partner and swing her... hey, where did she go? Dreams, thoughts, actions, can all hit you at once in your conscious mind. It is quite a dance, life. Just when you know the steps they change the tune, timing, timber, speed, or even put the whole thing under water. No, not a bad thing. There certainly is variety. There is challenge. While there is failure, even one so humble as I finds success from time to time.
The headache, after two doses of aspirin, has receded. It seems to want to come back. Since I am in no pain from that sense, it isn't my problem. I decided to call my mother, but first I thought I had best see if someone did indeed call. Yes, someone called. I missed the KoC meeting tonight. Blast it, I was probably needed to be there too. Well, that is how it goes sometimes. I then tried to call my mother. I need some information for sending something to my brother and family. Oh, nothing big or fancy, just something, you know, a fruit basket? Maybe a few items to hint at prepping, like a couple of... no, perhaps on a birthday. Fruit, or cheese, or a mixed Christmas basket of some kind, for this year. It has to be good quality though, they are used to living near world class fruit sellers, at least at one time in their life. I had thought about a fruit of the month subscription, but that is... a bit out of my price range, this year for sure. I'm still thinking, I just need the package address, which is different from the mailing address. Gah!
Another shot of the hot stuff. Hmm, didn't phase me tonight. I checked my bp, this morning before crashing. Even on the higher doses my bp was way up. I just can't figure this thing. I took the bp again a bit a go, and it is still rather high. Sleep must have helped, if not all that much. I will be calling in tomorrow, to see if they want me to kick the medicines up a notch yet. Three or four days should have brought it down. Oh, and my weight is up, to 280.6. I am not eating any more than ever. I had, temporarily, stopped voiding nearly as much as usual, but I resumed 'race horse' style voiding a day or two ago, so I really thought weight would at least stay even. Nope. I didn't even bother with blood sugar testing. One more negative and throwing in the towel seems the better notion. Not really, it just gets depressing when you are doing all the 'right things'(tm) and things actually get worse. Heh. No real worries though, that's just the game I suppose.
I am fearing, beyond, that I am falling apart. I am, to a degree, keeping up on things. Laundry is lagging, the kitchen is slowly wearing around the edges if the primaries are being tended, and my ability to do things is weakening. Further, my sleep cycle seems to be in a slow decay. At least now I know that the majority of the problem isn't sleeping too much, for the most part, at this time. My sleep cycle problem consists of a slow creep in the number of waking hours. A few hours more here, four hours there, a bit of a backtrack this night, but generally I end up staying up an extra hour or two, on average, as I lose my grip. Just a little dab will do you. Just checked my phone again. I received three other calls since I last checked. My phone was not on mute so I should have heard those calls. Gah! Stupid phone sometimes. No, it was with me the whole time. And I have it on vibrate and ring, so that if I can't hear I can feel it. Oh well.
I am feeling a lot like Charley Brown today. It's not a horrible thing, just... Then again that is part of the reason I hated the comic. It was always on the verge of depression and only looking down, ever. I consider the comic to be state propaganda, trying to get us used to never winning, never getting ahead, and just settling with that. Bleh. I don't need to be all cheery every day, I just don't want to think that is as good as it gets, because I know better, even in my condition. On the bright side, missing the KoC meeting gave me a notion of the date, which lead me to check something, and yep, I have an appointment coming up Thursday. A bit of a sacrificial, and I don't like doing that, but at least I won't lose them both.
The propane cooker is in, the seeds are supposed to be at the post office, and the magnets... Last I saw they were somewhere in California still. Though that data was old. I am guessing if it isn't in SLC, then it is probably actually out on a truck, or will be this morning. Ah, and I best get in tomorrow for that trouble light. I hate that thing, and keep forgetting to have it checked. I will probably call Midas and see if they deal with that, and whether they handle warranty work. I am hoping so. There are other options, if necessary, if nothing else to find the problem. Yeah, I need to go to several stores as well. If it ends up being later in the day, as I suspect, I might see if my friend wants me to drop by after shopping, bringing a movie along. I think it will be 300, if I can find it and if he is interested.
Good night.
.
Two to four steps forward, one to six back, advancing through time if nothing else. Over, around, through, and over. You are getting there. Now take your partner and swing her... hey, where did she go? Dreams, thoughts, actions, can all hit you at once in your conscious mind. It is quite a dance, life. Just when you know the steps they change the tune, timing, timber, speed, or even put the whole thing under water. No, not a bad thing. There certainly is variety. There is challenge. While there is failure, even one so humble as I finds success from time to time.
The headache, after two doses of aspirin, has receded. It seems to want to come back. Since I am in no pain from that sense, it isn't my problem. I decided to call my mother, but first I thought I had best see if someone did indeed call. Yes, someone called. I missed the KoC meeting tonight. Blast it, I was probably needed to be there too. Well, that is how it goes sometimes. I then tried to call my mother. I need some information for sending something to my brother and family. Oh, nothing big or fancy, just something, you know, a fruit basket? Maybe a few items to hint at prepping, like a couple of... no, perhaps on a birthday. Fruit, or cheese, or a mixed Christmas basket of some kind, for this year. It has to be good quality though, they are used to living near world class fruit sellers, at least at one time in their life. I had thought about a fruit of the month subscription, but that is... a bit out of my price range, this year for sure. I'm still thinking, I just need the package address, which is different from the mailing address. Gah!
Another shot of the hot stuff. Hmm, didn't phase me tonight. I checked my bp, this morning before crashing. Even on the higher doses my bp was way up. I just can't figure this thing. I took the bp again a bit a go, and it is still rather high. Sleep must have helped, if not all that much. I will be calling in tomorrow, to see if they want me to kick the medicines up a notch yet. Three or four days should have brought it down. Oh, and my weight is up, to 280.6. I am not eating any more than ever. I had, temporarily, stopped voiding nearly as much as usual, but I resumed 'race horse' style voiding a day or two ago, so I really thought weight would at least stay even. Nope. I didn't even bother with blood sugar testing. One more negative and throwing in the towel seems the better notion. Not really, it just gets depressing when you are doing all the 'right things'(tm) and things actually get worse. Heh. No real worries though, that's just the game I suppose.
I am fearing, beyond, that I am falling apart. I am, to a degree, keeping up on things. Laundry is lagging, the kitchen is slowly wearing around the edges if the primaries are being tended, and my ability to do things is weakening. Further, my sleep cycle seems to be in a slow decay. At least now I know that the majority of the problem isn't sleeping too much, for the most part, at this time. My sleep cycle problem consists of a slow creep in the number of waking hours. A few hours more here, four hours there, a bit of a backtrack this night, but generally I end up staying up an extra hour or two, on average, as I lose my grip. Just a little dab will do you. Just checked my phone again. I received three other calls since I last checked. My phone was not on mute so I should have heard those calls. Gah! Stupid phone sometimes. No, it was with me the whole time. And I have it on vibrate and ring, so that if I can't hear I can feel it. Oh well.
I am feeling a lot like Charley Brown today. It's not a horrible thing, just... Then again that is part of the reason I hated the comic. It was always on the verge of depression and only looking down, ever. I consider the comic to be state propaganda, trying to get us used to never winning, never getting ahead, and just settling with that. Bleh. I don't need to be all cheery every day, I just don't want to think that is as good as it gets, because I know better, even in my condition. On the bright side, missing the KoC meeting gave me a notion of the date, which lead me to check something, and yep, I have an appointment coming up Thursday. A bit of a sacrificial, and I don't like doing that, but at least I won't lose them both.
The propane cooker is in, the seeds are supposed to be at the post office, and the magnets... Last I saw they were somewhere in California still. Though that data was old. I am guessing if it isn't in SLC, then it is probably actually out on a truck, or will be this morning. Ah, and I best get in tomorrow for that trouble light. I hate that thing, and keep forgetting to have it checked. I will probably call Midas and see if they deal with that, and whether they handle warranty work. I am hoping so. There are other options, if necessary, if nothing else to find the problem. Yeah, I need to go to several stores as well. If it ends up being later in the day, as I suspect, I might see if my friend wants me to drop by after shopping, bringing a movie along. I think it will be 300, if I can find it and if he is interested.
Good night.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Why not own such love, if it be true?
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.
I was asked, the last time these memories surfaced, why if such a terribly beautiful love existed for me, why I didn't claim it. And, yes, I could. It is there. She remains. I am. I knew I could not, then, regardless of my toying with the notion. I now know the answer.
She must have asked God if she could be loved. Loved not for her flesh, or or works, or any perfections or social graces or innocences, which she may or may not have. Whether sent or happenstance, we met. I taught her, that to one man, one she desired and respected, if in her own catty, love-hate, way, she could be called to be owned. And I did so. Through the terrors and violence of notions she poured out to me, I never flinched, I saw her contrived horrors for what they were, and they were at most inconveniences but just as often play things for me. I was able to love her beyond just her flesh. She thought to test and found that I was true. Truer than any man she had ever met.
But she could not be a wife. Her passions for such had faded. But she now knows she... is lovable. Forgiven maybe. I stole her rage and hate and returned to her the hope of life, love. In her wisdom, she would not bind me to her, taking what she received, giving me her fire and what she thought was her hate, returning her to becoming almost a simple human woman again. But not a wife, that was no longer her calling. Wisdom in what they do, not in what they say, quite often, is how to learn from women.
She is now kin, but never to be a wife, to me or any other. No, that love for her still lives, but it has been transformed. The notion still irks at times, chafes, as does watching a flower lose it's bloom or the season pass from summer to fall to winter. But I do not question these truths anymore than I question God Himself. Harsh is this life we lead. But knowing a powerful seed has been planted, and that the seed springs eternal, has allowed me some... bittersweet joy. I merely hope she chooses to grasp what she has gained.
It is a beautiful thing. Something I will... always have with me. A gift few will know. I became a champion to a lady. Perhaps neither of us deserved that grace. But I don't think evil can ever touch such things either. I just can't know more than what is written here about it all, though. The rest of it is God's alone.
.
I was asked, the last time these memories surfaced, why if such a terribly beautiful love existed for me, why I didn't claim it. And, yes, I could. It is there. She remains. I am. I knew I could not, then, regardless of my toying with the notion. I now know the answer.
She must have asked God if she could be loved. Loved not for her flesh, or or works, or any perfections or social graces or innocences, which she may or may not have. Whether sent or happenstance, we met. I taught her, that to one man, one she desired and respected, if in her own catty, love-hate, way, she could be called to be owned. And I did so. Through the terrors and violence of notions she poured out to me, I never flinched, I saw her contrived horrors for what they were, and they were at most inconveniences but just as often play things for me. I was able to love her beyond just her flesh. She thought to test and found that I was true. Truer than any man she had ever met.
But she could not be a wife. Her passions for such had faded. But she now knows she... is lovable. Forgiven maybe. I stole her rage and hate and returned to her the hope of life, love. In her wisdom, she would not bind me to her, taking what she received, giving me her fire and what she thought was her hate, returning her to becoming almost a simple human woman again. But not a wife, that was no longer her calling. Wisdom in what they do, not in what they say, quite often, is how to learn from women.
She is now kin, but never to be a wife, to me or any other. No, that love for her still lives, but it has been transformed. The notion still irks at times, chafes, as does watching a flower lose it's bloom or the season pass from summer to fall to winter. But I do not question these truths anymore than I question God Himself. Harsh is this life we lead. But knowing a powerful seed has been planted, and that the seed springs eternal, has allowed me some... bittersweet joy. I merely hope she chooses to grasp what she has gained.
It is a beautiful thing. Something I will... always have with me. A gift few will know. I became a champion to a lady. Perhaps neither of us deserved that grace. But I don't think evil can ever touch such things either. I just can't know more than what is written here about it all, though. The rest of it is God's alone.
Youch!
.
.
No, I didn't make it through the day. Somewhere around 10:00 I crashed like a plane after all it's engines die. At least it was quick. My friend called a short time after that to let me know that... the firing range is not open today, so I was off the hook. I think the rest of the world called after that. Something about something, or did I ever answer? Or where all the calls in my dreams. Eventually I will check my phone. Wow! My head pounds with a terrible ache as if I had gone on a bender. Hot stuff, that MUST be the culprit. Nah, probably just one of those weird night things. A build up of energy from staying down while nominally well enough in all but one way to work, sparked by a leap into work? Maybe. Did I dance on the tables, did I shoot out the lights? Like I would know!
Dreams of fire, war, tribulation. Fighting through buildings, cities, regions, continents, worlds. Fire and death everywhere, disease, cowardice, bravery, horror, rot, and the rest. Not bad, if I could put those on film I am almost sure I could create an instant cult classic. It seemed so real, down to the scent of fear and strife and the vigor of war and shame of mortal and immortal death. I would never turn that into film, I think... It will be... free to view for all who live to that time. No quick end, as is hoped in the Mayan calendar failure. Just finding food, a place to not be shot at as often, even friends or family one can trust, will be... fleeting luxuries. But what was I doing there. Warring, sure. What was my purpose though? Or was war itself the purpose? I saw no other reason for my being or what I was doing, and yet it was not... simply wanton. There was no satisfaction, sating, from the nature of my efforts. It was more like pulling weeds than slaughter, gratuitous or otherwise. There was no political, social, or other common cause. I simply don't know. It... didn't, and doesn't, bother me. It wasn't for my own causes, or really that of any man or organization. And somehow it wasn't an evil, either. I sensed that much.
Ah well, dreams can be so odd. Who can ever lay claim to knowing them. I have seen fools try. Men can't even square a circle precisely to perfection yet, or even do what they do with it all that well or quickly or easily, all contrivances or the use of tech tool tricks, how could they know such a thing as dreams any more than they can know weather patterns save by looking out their window, with any instant certainty? At least it wasn't one of the bad dreams. I was just doing my job, alone, without fear or need of fear. Without the real fear of war, that of losing one's own, death has no sting if the only thing to be lost, for some of us, would be our own lives. And I don't even think I could die, in the dream.
Hmm, I am not sure I am staying up. An extra dose of aspirin for this gorgeously brutal pounding in my head and then I may lay back down and try to sleep through this thing. Hmm, maybe another shot of that hot stuff though? Gosh, Wally, but I love that stuff. Maybe that mild fire did rekindle something? Dunno, but it is good to feel some heat. No less than coming into a warm home after being out in bone-shattering cold for weeks or something. Months? Years? Yeah, another little doser. At this pace I may need another crafting of this stuff before a couple of months are through. If so I will probably go a little bigger, aiming at a three to four month supply of the stuff. If I can plant, and grow, a half a dozen of the various peppers needed this summer, this might end up being a great canning project! A couple years of this stuff could see me comfortably warmed through whatever may come.
Gah but that head hurts! Later, or good night again.
.
No, I didn't make it through the day. Somewhere around 10:00 I crashed like a plane after all it's engines die. At least it was quick. My friend called a short time after that to let me know that... the firing range is not open today, so I was off the hook. I think the rest of the world called after that. Something about something, or did I ever answer? Or where all the calls in my dreams. Eventually I will check my phone. Wow! My head pounds with a terrible ache as if I had gone on a bender. Hot stuff, that MUST be the culprit. Nah, probably just one of those weird night things. A build up of energy from staying down while nominally well enough in all but one way to work, sparked by a leap into work? Maybe. Did I dance on the tables, did I shoot out the lights? Like I would know!
Dreams of fire, war, tribulation. Fighting through buildings, cities, regions, continents, worlds. Fire and death everywhere, disease, cowardice, bravery, horror, rot, and the rest. Not bad, if I could put those on film I am almost sure I could create an instant cult classic. It seemed so real, down to the scent of fear and strife and the vigor of war and shame of mortal and immortal death. I would never turn that into film, I think... It will be... free to view for all who live to that time. No quick end, as is hoped in the Mayan calendar failure. Just finding food, a place to not be shot at as often, even friends or family one can trust, will be... fleeting luxuries. But what was I doing there. Warring, sure. What was my purpose though? Or was war itself the purpose? I saw no other reason for my being or what I was doing, and yet it was not... simply wanton. There was no satisfaction, sating, from the nature of my efforts. It was more like pulling weeds than slaughter, gratuitous or otherwise. There was no political, social, or other common cause. I simply don't know. It... didn't, and doesn't, bother me. It wasn't for my own causes, or really that of any man or organization. And somehow it wasn't an evil, either. I sensed that much.
Ah well, dreams can be so odd. Who can ever lay claim to knowing them. I have seen fools try. Men can't even square a circle precisely to perfection yet, or even do what they do with it all that well or quickly or easily, all contrivances or the use of tech tool tricks, how could they know such a thing as dreams any more than they can know weather patterns save by looking out their window, with any instant certainty? At least it wasn't one of the bad dreams. I was just doing my job, alone, without fear or need of fear. Without the real fear of war, that of losing one's own, death has no sting if the only thing to be lost, for some of us, would be our own lives. And I don't even think I could die, in the dream.
Hmm, I am not sure I am staying up. An extra dose of aspirin for this gorgeously brutal pounding in my head and then I may lay back down and try to sleep through this thing. Hmm, maybe another shot of that hot stuff though? Gosh, Wally, but I love that stuff. Maybe that mild fire did rekindle something? Dunno, but it is good to feel some heat. No less than coming into a warm home after being out in bone-shattering cold for weeks or something. Months? Years? Yeah, another little doser. At this pace I may need another crafting of this stuff before a couple of months are through. If so I will probably go a little bigger, aiming at a three to four month supply of the stuff. If I can plant, and grow, a half a dozen of the various peppers needed this summer, this might end up being a great canning project! A couple years of this stuff could see me comfortably warmed through whatever may come.
Gah but that head hurts! Later, or good night again.
What a little heat can do!
.
.
No, I won't be sleeping tonight.
Yes, I still plan to be out tomorrow.
.
No, I won't be sleeping tonight.
Yes, I still plan to be out tomorrow.
So... just how hot IS habanero sauce?
.
.
Well, it depends. Store bought is okay, but not really hot. The stuff I made using this recipe? Medium. Really? Really. Oh, don't get me wrong. I don't hand it a medium heat scale like it was a failing grade, or even a C. No, it is a wonderful sauce. And for me to give it a medium means most of you should only be near it with near nigh-on nuclear proof garb. What was splendid about it, for me though, was that, for the first time in ages, I have eaten something that seemed... well... hot. I got that old time feeling back, a feeling I enjoy. And while my thermostat didn't click into the stratosphere or even the ceiling, it was quite enough to put a smile on my face. So, those peppers I ordered are definitely going into the dirt. The thing is, for some reason (I put tracking on them), the seeds ended up at the wrong town in Utah. The seed dealer suggested that the mail delivery is really awful. My guess is they have a personal problem with their local post office, someone there doesn't like them. Still, the package is supposed to be guaranteed. If the problem isn't the post office, than the dealer might simply be problematic. I'll know shortly. In any case, I have done a bit of digging on reputable hot seed dealers (didn't think I would need to research THAT too though, silly me). I have one lined up, if need be. Ugh.
I must admit, I was a bit surprised that this sauce didn't hit me harder. That means there is room for the ghost pepper, coming in at 1,000,000 on the Scoville Scale. Habanero come in at between 300,000 and 500,000. The ones I used were on the lower end of that scale, being store bought, but that is still pretty serious heat. The hottest stuff I could find, to date, before that, was the 100,000 S.S. (ramped) cayenne powder. Still, this sauce will more than adequately do. Further, even if I do happen about the 1M S.S. pepper, and make a sauce with it, I will probably continue to make this habanero sauce. It is, simply, tasty. To put this into perspective, a jalapeno is about 5,000 on the Scoville Scale. So this sauce I made today is between 60 and 100 times as hot as jalapenos. Hmm, odd.
Oh, and it didn't "stink" my house up. I might be immune, but I don't think the girls are. Sassy shrank back from the habanero end I offered. She was curious, so... And they are acting fine. Trust me, if the girls are unhappy about something, I am the FIRST to know it. The difference might be, though, that I used an All-Clad pan. Those lids hold down, and don't let steam out almost at all. One more reason to buy really good pans. Hmm, now to find something to put the sauce in. I forgot to buy a squeeze bottle for it. Oh, I'll think of something.
Another load or two of laundry, cleaning the bit left to do in the kitchen, and doing my Latin lesson should see me about ready to relax (game) for an hour and then hit the sack. I did tinker back there on the drywall, but I realized that just had to be wrong, which lead me to realizing a keyhole saw was needed. Oh, supper arrived while I was doing my sauce. That came out all wrong. Anyway... It was quite an interesting take on home-made fast food. A sweet cornbread wrapped around hotdogs then baked (a real corndog), much better than anything commercial. And the fries where also high end. A mix of purple potatoes and regular potatoes, sliced into normal sized fries. I hope those children enjoy the work and thought their mom puts into their food. I sure do! It's good, haute cuisine, and fun too!
Tomorrow? I am going to make a huge effort to wake early enough to, well, wake, then shower, then get to Mass, and finally to pick my friend up. I could use some things from the grocery store and the hardware store, but if it comes down to a choice, it will be the keyhole saw and exhanging the non-contact voltage detector (I will try the new one right in the store, I hate having to make return trips!). It might be too cold for my friend to want to shoot though. If so, we will just go shopping and maybe to eat. I could take a DVD for him to watch, as well. Dunno, thinking on it all. A trick to getting out the door with what I want, just like medical things, is to have everything set up and ready, in a specific place, and then just... fall into it. Potassium packet by glass, set near medicines, where I sit first thing in the morning, all near my bp cup, diabetic tester, and that all sends me to the scale first for weight. DVD on the kitchen table, near the medicines. Best put the DVD there now though. Memory what it is.
Well, on to... things. Good night.
.
Well, it depends. Store bought is okay, but not really hot. The stuff I made using this recipe? Medium. Really? Really. Oh, don't get me wrong. I don't hand it a medium heat scale like it was a failing grade, or even a C. No, it is a wonderful sauce. And for me to give it a medium means most of you should only be near it with near nigh-on nuclear proof garb. What was splendid about it, for me though, was that, for the first time in ages, I have eaten something that seemed... well... hot. I got that old time feeling back, a feeling I enjoy. And while my thermostat didn't click into the stratosphere or even the ceiling, it was quite enough to put a smile on my face. So, those peppers I ordered are definitely going into the dirt. The thing is, for some reason (I put tracking on them), the seeds ended up at the wrong town in Utah. The seed dealer suggested that the mail delivery is really awful. My guess is they have a personal problem with their local post office, someone there doesn't like them. Still, the package is supposed to be guaranteed. If the problem isn't the post office, than the dealer might simply be problematic. I'll know shortly. In any case, I have done a bit of digging on reputable hot seed dealers (didn't think I would need to research THAT too though, silly me). I have one lined up, if need be. Ugh.
I must admit, I was a bit surprised that this sauce didn't hit me harder. That means there is room for the ghost pepper, coming in at 1,000,000 on the Scoville Scale. Habanero come in at between 300,000 and 500,000. The ones I used were on the lower end of that scale, being store bought, but that is still pretty serious heat. The hottest stuff I could find, to date, before that, was the 100,000 S.S. (ramped) cayenne powder. Still, this sauce will more than adequately do. Further, even if I do happen about the 1M S.S. pepper, and make a sauce with it, I will probably continue to make this habanero sauce. It is, simply, tasty. To put this into perspective, a jalapeno is about 5,000 on the Scoville Scale. So this sauce I made today is between 60 and 100 times as hot as jalapenos. Hmm, odd.
Oh, and it didn't "stink" my house up. I might be immune, but I don't think the girls are. Sassy shrank back from the habanero end I offered. She was curious, so... And they are acting fine. Trust me, if the girls are unhappy about something, I am the FIRST to know it. The difference might be, though, that I used an All-Clad pan. Those lids hold down, and don't let steam out almost at all. One more reason to buy really good pans. Hmm, now to find something to put the sauce in. I forgot to buy a squeeze bottle for it. Oh, I'll think of something.
Another load or two of laundry, cleaning the bit left to do in the kitchen, and doing my Latin lesson should see me about ready to relax (game) for an hour and then hit the sack. I did tinker back there on the drywall, but I realized that just had to be wrong, which lead me to realizing a keyhole saw was needed. Oh, supper arrived while I was doing my sauce. That came out all wrong. Anyway... It was quite an interesting take on home-made fast food. A sweet cornbread wrapped around hotdogs then baked (a real corndog), much better than anything commercial. And the fries where also high end. A mix of purple potatoes and regular potatoes, sliced into normal sized fries. I hope those children enjoy the work and thought their mom puts into their food. I sure do! It's good, haute cuisine, and fun too!
Tomorrow? I am going to make a huge effort to wake early enough to, well, wake, then shower, then get to Mass, and finally to pick my friend up. I could use some things from the grocery store and the hardware store, but if it comes down to a choice, it will be the keyhole saw and exhanging the non-contact voltage detector (I will try the new one right in the store, I hate having to make return trips!). It might be too cold for my friend to want to shoot though. If so, we will just go shopping and maybe to eat. I could take a DVD for him to watch, as well. Dunno, thinking on it all. A trick to getting out the door with what I want, just like medical things, is to have everything set up and ready, in a specific place, and then just... fall into it. Potassium packet by glass, set near medicines, where I sit first thing in the morning, all near my bp cup, diabetic tester, and that all sends me to the scale first for weight. DVD on the kitchen table, near the medicines. Best put the DVD there now though. Memory what it is.
Well, on to... things. Good night.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Where to even begin sometimes.
.
.
Having never worked in construction, plumbing, home electrical type of jobs, starting from scratch isn't really an option. I can read, look at YouTube posts, and start from that. Just as often as not, bad advice is given. Popularity, there as elsewhere, trumps reason or purpose at times. Still, before long, I realize something isn't working and do a bit more digging. Knowing the questions and some of the answers that don't work and why, is much better at producing better solutions. There are no perfect solutions, only better and worse, is one of the laws it seems. Oh, what am I discussing? Ah, cutting drywall.
I had been lead to believe that, essentially, a angled box cutter would do just fine to cut the drywall. And, I used it to cut out the first one. What a nasty piece of work that turned out to be. No, I think the final product is fine, but it sure didn't take the 10 seconds that it should have, or was (artificially) shown to work on some YouTube posts. No, it took at least an half hour, was imprecise, was a lot of work, and will need to be... cleaned up a bit. A bit more looking and two tools popped. A keyhole saw and drill with a digger bit and a Dremel with a specific attachment. Okay, for now the keyhole saw will, mostly, work. I have beams to navigate in these particular drywall cuts, so it will be a bit tricky for some of it. But for now, that will work much better. I was almost certain I had such a tool. A bit of looking found no such saw. Hmm. Never mind. However, when I do begin working on the electrical, the Dremel, with a static (if imprecise) depth gauge, might be the way to go, for putting in new or bigger boxes if need be. One in particular caught my eye. I already have a corded, but would need to purchase about 2/3rds of the price of a cordless one which already comes with all the pieces I would otherwise be buying (and those bits will work on both Dremels). However, after just a bit more digging, the Dremel is more for gadgeteers than serious diy'ers, at least for cutting drywall. So, a keyhole saw will go on the list for tomorrow's excursion. I'll save the cordless Dremel for dreamy gadgeteering eye candy unless I find needs that it fills peerlessly.
I have been tinkering on a few things today. I also did get my winter travel pack together and ready to be put in the X. I need to fill one of the canteens partly, get a few candles a tin can for those and several more fire lighting means (I have all but the candles... somewhere), and it would be good to put in a better medical kit, but for now it will do. Food (the gnarly type so it isn't eaten out of simple human laziness), a set of warm quick drying under clothes plus snow pants, a couple of collapsible canteens, thermal "blanket", a couple of head coverings, a minor med kit, a folding pick-shovel. All in a medium backpack. There are other things I like to keep in the vehicle, like a box of older or less used gloves, mittens, and hats. Extra regular clothes. Toilet paper. I even have a smaller fire extinguisher out there, and a minor manual pull ratchet with enough muscle to pull my vehicle over short distances. Hmm, a snow/ice anchor would be good, too, if those things cost a small fortune. But I really need to get good jumper wires and learn how to use those, pull rope/chains, and eventually tire chains.
Be prepared, wherever you go. In time, perhaps, I will have the perfect kit and have it organized and always in place. For now, home or on the road, I have what I have. Hmm... a flare gun? I've... always wanted one of those. You don't think they actually signaled for Batman with a bat light, do you? Heck no. But that information was a city-secret. They used bat-flares! I'm telling you, you guys will believe anything. :p So, what do I do, when/if I ever get fully prepared? Why... I wait. Or die. Duh. *grins*
On to making that hot sauce, I do believe. Wish me luck. Hmm, I might actually bring one of the fans down from it's winter storage, just in case it gets too nasty. I had hoped that the propane cooker would be here, and that I could use that, but with the snow down and with it being so cold out now, I am not sure that would work. Although... 52k btu's is an AWFUL lot of cooking torque.
I can hardly believe how many jobs are either being done, have been done, or are about to be done. Yeah, you do this on the weekend and more, but this is ME being discussed. I don't know how long it will last. I'll keep trying to do, and add to, my lists.
Later.
.
Having never worked in construction, plumbing, home electrical type of jobs, starting from scratch isn't really an option. I can read, look at YouTube posts, and start from that. Just as often as not, bad advice is given. Popularity, there as elsewhere, trumps reason or purpose at times. Still, before long, I realize something isn't working and do a bit more digging. Knowing the questions and some of the answers that don't work and why, is much better at producing better solutions. There are no perfect solutions, only better and worse, is one of the laws it seems. Oh, what am I discussing? Ah, cutting drywall.
I had been lead to believe that, essentially, a angled box cutter would do just fine to cut the drywall. And, I used it to cut out the first one. What a nasty piece of work that turned out to be. No, I think the final product is fine, but it sure didn't take the 10 seconds that it should have, or was (artificially) shown to work on some YouTube posts. No, it took at least an half hour, was imprecise, was a lot of work, and will need to be... cleaned up a bit. A bit more looking and two tools popped. A keyhole saw and drill with a digger bit and a Dremel with a specific attachment. Okay, for now the keyhole saw will, mostly, work. I have beams to navigate in these particular drywall cuts, so it will be a bit tricky for some of it. But for now, that will work much better. I was almost certain I had such a tool. A bit of looking found no such saw. Hmm. Never mind. However, when I do begin working on the electrical, the Dremel, with a static (if imprecise) depth gauge, might be the way to go, for putting in new or bigger boxes if need be. One in particular caught my eye. I already have a corded, but would need to purchase about 2/3rds of the price of a cordless one which already comes with all the pieces I would otherwise be buying (and those bits will work on both Dremels). However, after just a bit more digging, the Dremel is more for gadgeteers than serious diy'ers, at least for cutting drywall. So, a keyhole saw will go on the list for tomorrow's excursion. I'll save the cordless Dremel for dreamy gadgeteering eye candy unless I find needs that it fills peerlessly.
I have been tinkering on a few things today. I also did get my winter travel pack together and ready to be put in the X. I need to fill one of the canteens partly, get a few candles a tin can for those and several more fire lighting means (I have all but the candles... somewhere), and it would be good to put in a better medical kit, but for now it will do. Food (the gnarly type so it isn't eaten out of simple human laziness), a set of warm quick drying under clothes plus snow pants, a couple of collapsible canteens, thermal "blanket", a couple of head coverings, a minor med kit, a folding pick-shovel. All in a medium backpack. There are other things I like to keep in the vehicle, like a box of older or less used gloves, mittens, and hats. Extra regular clothes. Toilet paper. I even have a smaller fire extinguisher out there, and a minor manual pull ratchet with enough muscle to pull my vehicle over short distances. Hmm, a snow/ice anchor would be good, too, if those things cost a small fortune. But I really need to get good jumper wires and learn how to use those, pull rope/chains, and eventually tire chains.
Be prepared, wherever you go. In time, perhaps, I will have the perfect kit and have it organized and always in place. For now, home or on the road, I have what I have. Hmm... a flare gun? I've... always wanted one of those. You don't think they actually signaled for Batman with a bat light, do you? Heck no. But that information was a city-secret. They used bat-flares! I'm telling you, you guys will believe anything. :p So, what do I do, when/if I ever get fully prepared? Why... I wait. Or die. Duh. *grins*
On to making that hot sauce, I do believe. Wish me luck. Hmm, I might actually bring one of the fans down from it's winter storage, just in case it gets too nasty. I had hoped that the propane cooker would be here, and that I could use that, but with the snow down and with it being so cold out now, I am not sure that would work. Although... 52k btu's is an AWFUL lot of cooking torque.
I can hardly believe how many jobs are either being done, have been done, or are about to be done. Yeah, you do this on the weekend and more, but this is ME being discussed. I don't know how long it will last. I'll keep trying to do, and add to, my lists.
Later.
Winter, finally.
.
.
I am enjoying the snow. It sure brightens things up, especially on these darker, overcast, days. I guess my predictions for a long winter are gone. It could still be a heavy winter, but that doesn't seem to be panning out either. All good, I had actually feared that rather than hoped for it. My weather-dar must be off. Time will tell. It is much easier to enjoy without the sense of being trapped by weather.
I set the alarm for... way early, considering when I went to bed. As could be guessed, I failed to rise. I reset the alarm, adding another hour. Nope. Finally my brother called, at about what should have been the correct amount of sleep, and that worked. I simply can't cheat myself on sleep for a normal day. For travel it seems I have little choice. I simply can't sleep the night before an early appointment. But that is it's own thing.
I had been meaning to call my brother anyway. I feel like a dolt when I mean to call and before I get to it... Hello? Still, I take the gift as is, and just try to keep that in mind for the next time. Like my brother? Of course not, he is my brother! I love him. Heh. We are like cats and dogs, night and day. We are so similar and yet in such different ways. I do worry about him. At least he was placed with a good family. He is blessed with a good wife and two children who don't let him become too grumpy or set in his ways. Well, they try. Us older guys are... well... we go from being pups to dwarves... if you understand some of the notions of dwarves (mythical, lore, not real). Their social nature. There is no way around that. Well, and we all start getting that Fred Flintstone (cartoon) facial thing, look, Barney had it as well.
In an hour or two, if I am feeling good still, I will begin work on the drywall sections out back. So far, though, it is looking good for that today. I best call the V.A., right now actually... Okay, they are all busy, doc, front desk, etc. I had to just leave a message. Actually, I have been thinking... perhaps it would be better to prepare the hot sauce today. Tomorrow, after the outing, I might be a bit too tired. Other than that, what? I am not awake enough, quite yet, to think that far ahead... or remember.
Have a good day.
.
I am enjoying the snow. It sure brightens things up, especially on these darker, overcast, days. I guess my predictions for a long winter are gone. It could still be a heavy winter, but that doesn't seem to be panning out either. All good, I had actually feared that rather than hoped for it. My weather-dar must be off. Time will tell. It is much easier to enjoy without the sense of being trapped by weather.
I set the alarm for... way early, considering when I went to bed. As could be guessed, I failed to rise. I reset the alarm, adding another hour. Nope. Finally my brother called, at about what should have been the correct amount of sleep, and that worked. I simply can't cheat myself on sleep for a normal day. For travel it seems I have little choice. I simply can't sleep the night before an early appointment. But that is it's own thing.
I had been meaning to call my brother anyway. I feel like a dolt when I mean to call and before I get to it... Hello? Still, I take the gift as is, and just try to keep that in mind for the next time. Like my brother? Of course not, he is my brother! I love him. Heh. We are like cats and dogs, night and day. We are so similar and yet in such different ways. I do worry about him. At least he was placed with a good family. He is blessed with a good wife and two children who don't let him become too grumpy or set in his ways. Well, they try. Us older guys are... well... we go from being pups to dwarves... if you understand some of the notions of dwarves (mythical, lore, not real). Their social nature. There is no way around that. Well, and we all start getting that Fred Flintstone (cartoon) facial thing, look, Barney had it as well.
In an hour or two, if I am feeling good still, I will begin work on the drywall sections out back. So far, though, it is looking good for that today. I best call the V.A., right now actually... Okay, they are all busy, doc, front desk, etc. I had to just leave a message. Actually, I have been thinking... perhaps it would be better to prepare the hot sauce today. Tomorrow, after the outing, I might be a bit too tired. Other than that, what? I am not awake enough, quite yet, to think that far ahead... or remember.
Have a good day.
Winding down.
.
.
It has been a good day. Food delivered and some made, a shower taken, little chores tended. I am keeping my home very warm, it seems to just feel better while I am trying to relax. I will read the lesson in Latin again before I sleep. Oh, I did run vinegar through, then out, my coffee machine. After several vinegar and then clean runs, it should be ready to deliver fresher tasting coffee again. Not that it needed it, just that it doesn't hurt and I can't do too much else.
Tomorrow? A call to the Ogden V.A., to get the diabetes medicine. If I feel okay after a couple of hours of being awake I am planning on working on the drywall replacement. The light fixture itself will be a simple thing once the ceiling is repaired. The installation will be built right into the repair, only the full install will have to wait until several coats of goo and the drying between each coat, then some paint. My real worry is getting the holes squared well enough that I can easily square the patch drywall material so that I don't have too big of gaps. The cutter just isn't sharp enough, or something. I'll look online before I close up shop. Beyond that I hope to remember to call my brother. That is it, other than doing the little things of life, things that not so long ago were more than I could do. Function will come and go, as always, though.
Tuesday the hope is to be able to get into town. A few groceries are needed, an exchange for the non-contact voltage tester is planned, and of course the main events of getting myself to Mass, then taking my friend to the range. A bit of shooting is always a good thing, and has been sorely missed. As has male company. Two bulls stray onto a range, the first bull says... Anyway. Ah, and if I am still doing okay, I may try to put together that habanero sauce in the late afternoon. Hmm, reminds me, if I am going to be later getting back, I need to call the folks who feed me and let them know they have a night off. My friend and myself can always... find a place to feed to poor starving man-things.
A day off Wednesday. If everything happens as planned, or if nothing happens and rest was still needed, hopefully by then I can get to something. Fie, that's as good as I can make things. At least I am not mostly unconscious, in pain, mentally out of it, or such. Heck, I'm even almost enjoying the attempt to 'quiet' my life consciously, if that doesn't make much sense to me, beyond the physical seeming need. Could you imagine being lazy on top of being really sick? You would think that would be automatically lethal, wouldn't you? I would think that.
Good night.
.
It has been a good day. Food delivered and some made, a shower taken, little chores tended. I am keeping my home very warm, it seems to just feel better while I am trying to relax. I will read the lesson in Latin again before I sleep. Oh, I did run vinegar through, then out, my coffee machine. After several vinegar and then clean runs, it should be ready to deliver fresher tasting coffee again. Not that it needed it, just that it doesn't hurt and I can't do too much else.
Tomorrow? A call to the Ogden V.A., to get the diabetes medicine. If I feel okay after a couple of hours of being awake I am planning on working on the drywall replacement. The light fixture itself will be a simple thing once the ceiling is repaired. The installation will be built right into the repair, only the full install will have to wait until several coats of goo and the drying between each coat, then some paint. My real worry is getting the holes squared well enough that I can easily square the patch drywall material so that I don't have too big of gaps. The cutter just isn't sharp enough, or something. I'll look online before I close up shop. Beyond that I hope to remember to call my brother. That is it, other than doing the little things of life, things that not so long ago were more than I could do. Function will come and go, as always, though.
Tuesday the hope is to be able to get into town. A few groceries are needed, an exchange for the non-contact voltage tester is planned, and of course the main events of getting myself to Mass, then taking my friend to the range. A bit of shooting is always a good thing, and has been sorely missed. As has male company. Two bulls stray onto a range, the first bull says... Anyway. Ah, and if I am still doing okay, I may try to put together that habanero sauce in the late afternoon. Hmm, reminds me, if I am going to be later getting back, I need to call the folks who feed me and let them know they have a night off. My friend and myself can always... find a place to feed to poor starving man-things.
A day off Wednesday. If everything happens as planned, or if nothing happens and rest was still needed, hopefully by then I can get to something. Fie, that's as good as I can make things. At least I am not mostly unconscious, in pain, mentally out of it, or such. Heck, I'm even almost enjoying the attempt to 'quiet' my life consciously, if that doesn't make much sense to me, beyond the physical seeming need. Could you imagine being lazy on top of being really sick? You would think that would be automatically lethal, wouldn't you? I would think that.
Good night.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Yep, I still have to take it slow.
.
.
My heart just isn't feeling quite right. Not that it is going to stop, or whatever. It is tired. It keeps wanting to kick it up a few notches. I am refusing to allow it to shove me over that cliff. As I might have mentioned before, I don't actually know how to relax. I have a half a dozen projects in the works one way or another, I have social calls to make, I have contacts to maintain, I have... things to do. I can't quite ever get my mind off what needs to be done, could be done, or could be redone better. I am trying though, to let these things slip, at least for a while.
However, I see where the shower arm, that comes out of the wall, needs to be made water-tight. I see where I can (within code too, if marked by warning stickers) change the two prong outlets with gfci receptacles, and I now know how to do that, including how to optimize that expense and still add non-gfci 3-prong outlets further along the lines if they are in series. Of course the (perhaps both) toilet could use a new wax base ring, tightening, and sealing/calking. Well, the toilets might need more, depending. Oh, but I will probably be installing a bigger actual toilet in there before too much longer. How much work to put in now then? Depends on creating a realistic timeline, which depends on how quickly I can nail down a solid replacement toilet that is affordable, large, and truly flushes right (many are simply junk). Plus a dozen other tool, consumable, and other organization projects just waiting to be started. So much to do, and I have the tools, at least, and I suspect I have half of the expendable supplies. Such a drudgery to hurry then wait.
My blood pressure is staying in the lower of the more recent and better ranges. I am hoping, now that I remembered to up my doses, that perhaps it will come down even 20 points on either side of the slash, hash, or whatever you call it. That is possible, considering it has come down... 60 points, high and low, give or take, since restarting medicine. Of course, it won't matter. Until the heart itself is feeling better I am fully grounded from flight, travel, work. My blood sugar is way up, 176 fasting, so... I definitely have to remember to call my Ogden doc about sending metformin. I have been, mostly, watching what I eat, so... yeah. But diabetes won't stop me from working, unless it reaches the 600 range or higher. Still, something to watch.
I am doing little things though. Dishes are being kept up, food and medicines are is being consumed, the girls are getting attention, food, and care. I decided to get a shower in today, always a good thing. After I finished I decided to clean the high-stool my mother uses to raise the loo to her comfort, and the plunger holder. No, the high-riser was clean, just... to clean it for sure before storing it. She is fastidious... women... cats... women... I can't quite tell the difference sometimes. The plunger enclosure, however, needed a bit of work. Little things like that, when I see them and it works out, are being done. I did start the Latin lessons. I am supposed to read the section twice, one down one to go. Reading that type of material twice in a row really doesn't seem productive. A little time to soak it in and produce questions or cement the material works best for me.
The thing with Latin, or any language, at this point, is that I know enough that some of it is going to be extremely boring. Mixed in there will be what I don't know. How to keep engaged? I'll see. My goal is to take the slower paced curriculum track and see where that gets me. I am more than certain I have the capacity for the higher pace, since I can do it any time in the day without missing a "class". However, that would be with a teacher. I have no teacher. Further, at this time, I have no oral cues. I can read the differences between English and Latin, and they make sense, and there aren't that many exceptions, but in a list of words, back to back, while fiddling with grammar as well, it might be a trick. So, the slow pace seems most advisable, for now. No teacher, no oral presentation... so, yeah. The goal, initially, will be to begin reading the Vulgate, following the Latin Mass, or at least learning (memorizing) some of the prayers in Latin, hopefully bits of those within the year. After that? Perhaps reading some of the ancient texts, if that would be several years out. Perhaps Socrates, Plato, or the others, are more reasonable sounding in their native tongue, though I doubt it. Still, it would be a minor if real academic triumph to self-teach Latin then read such a tome, and more, to reply to it in the native tongue. Aye, but who would read it? Heh. Never mind. It is, if nothing else, a bit of quiet time to work the mind while reaching some goals.
With my home straightened, work in progress truly going on or solidly in the works, with projects popping up all the time on top of those, and with my ability even in illness to mostly maintain and sometimes get a bit further ahead, I am finally feeling like I am getting somewhere in life. True, my life doesn't extend beyond my doorstep, on a regular basis, at least yet. And, sure, I am not all that fit, nor will I probably ever be able to be very fit, or more, being fit won't make a lot of difference with such a weak heart. But I am digging my way to as much of life as I can, and doing it rather smartly. A day or two more of rest and I will begin digging in more seriously again, if this time at a bit slower of a pace. I'll save the marathon work for when my mother arrives. Gah! I wish I had half that much umph.
Hmm, later? Probably.
.
My heart just isn't feeling quite right. Not that it is going to stop, or whatever. It is tired. It keeps wanting to kick it up a few notches. I am refusing to allow it to shove me over that cliff. As I might have mentioned before, I don't actually know how to relax. I have a half a dozen projects in the works one way or another, I have social calls to make, I have contacts to maintain, I have... things to do. I can't quite ever get my mind off what needs to be done, could be done, or could be redone better. I am trying though, to let these things slip, at least for a while.
However, I see where the shower arm, that comes out of the wall, needs to be made water-tight. I see where I can (within code too, if marked by warning stickers) change the two prong outlets with gfci receptacles, and I now know how to do that, including how to optimize that expense and still add non-gfci 3-prong outlets further along the lines if they are in series. Of course the (perhaps both) toilet could use a new wax base ring, tightening, and sealing/calking. Well, the toilets might need more, depending. Oh, but I will probably be installing a bigger actual toilet in there before too much longer. How much work to put in now then? Depends on creating a realistic timeline, which depends on how quickly I can nail down a solid replacement toilet that is affordable, large, and truly flushes right (many are simply junk). Plus a dozen other tool, consumable, and other organization projects just waiting to be started. So much to do, and I have the tools, at least, and I suspect I have half of the expendable supplies. Such a drudgery to hurry then wait.
My blood pressure is staying in the lower of the more recent and better ranges. I am hoping, now that I remembered to up my doses, that perhaps it will come down even 20 points on either side of the slash, hash, or whatever you call it. That is possible, considering it has come down... 60 points, high and low, give or take, since restarting medicine. Of course, it won't matter. Until the heart itself is feeling better I am fully grounded from flight, travel, work. My blood sugar is way up, 176 fasting, so... I definitely have to remember to call my Ogden doc about sending metformin. I have been, mostly, watching what I eat, so... yeah. But diabetes won't stop me from working, unless it reaches the 600 range or higher. Still, something to watch.
I am doing little things though. Dishes are being kept up, food and medicines are is being consumed, the girls are getting attention, food, and care. I decided to get a shower in today, always a good thing. After I finished I decided to clean the high-stool my mother uses to raise the loo to her comfort, and the plunger holder. No, the high-riser was clean, just... to clean it for sure before storing it. She is fastidious... women... cats... women... I can't quite tell the difference sometimes. The plunger enclosure, however, needed a bit of work. Little things like that, when I see them and it works out, are being done. I did start the Latin lessons. I am supposed to read the section twice, one down one to go. Reading that type of material twice in a row really doesn't seem productive. A little time to soak it in and produce questions or cement the material works best for me.
The thing with Latin, or any language, at this point, is that I know enough that some of it is going to be extremely boring. Mixed in there will be what I don't know. How to keep engaged? I'll see. My goal is to take the slower paced curriculum track and see where that gets me. I am more than certain I have the capacity for the higher pace, since I can do it any time in the day without missing a "class". However, that would be with a teacher. I have no teacher. Further, at this time, I have no oral cues. I can read the differences between English and Latin, and they make sense, and there aren't that many exceptions, but in a list of words, back to back, while fiddling with grammar as well, it might be a trick. So, the slow pace seems most advisable, for now. No teacher, no oral presentation... so, yeah. The goal, initially, will be to begin reading the Vulgate, following the Latin Mass, or at least learning (memorizing) some of the prayers in Latin, hopefully bits of those within the year. After that? Perhaps reading some of the ancient texts, if that would be several years out. Perhaps Socrates, Plato, or the others, are more reasonable sounding in their native tongue, though I doubt it. Still, it would be a minor if real academic triumph to self-teach Latin then read such a tome, and more, to reply to it in the native tongue. Aye, but who would read it? Heh. Never mind. It is, if nothing else, a bit of quiet time to work the mind while reaching some goals.
With my home straightened, work in progress truly going on or solidly in the works, with projects popping up all the time on top of those, and with my ability even in illness to mostly maintain and sometimes get a bit further ahead, I am finally feeling like I am getting somewhere in life. True, my life doesn't extend beyond my doorstep, on a regular basis, at least yet. And, sure, I am not all that fit, nor will I probably ever be able to be very fit, or more, being fit won't make a lot of difference with such a weak heart. But I am digging my way to as much of life as I can, and doing it rather smartly. A day or two more of rest and I will begin digging in more seriously again, if this time at a bit slower of a pace. I'll save the marathon work for when my mother arrives. Gah! I wish I had half that much umph.
Hmm, later? Probably.
Hmm, crunch, chewy, somewhat tasty, but what is it?
.
.
Ah, I think that would be the new day! Heh. I didn't sleep until 6:00. In spite of doing little things all day I simply couldn't tire. Gaming in the last hours probably saved me from staying up even longer. Waking at 14:00, the girls were fed first thing. Well, almost first thing as those water pills are insistent. At least they aren't waking me up several times a night, or every night, certainly not as often as the first weeks of taking them. Weight, a fasting blood sugar, bp, medicine with a potassium slurry, then breakfast. All that before I could probably rightly recall my name.
Something seemed... different this morning. Sam wanted out after scarfing, so... Snow! And it stuck. Not a lot, perhaps an inch or so ended up staying, but the grass still pokes out. I opened the curtains and received a bolt of heat. The reflected sun is a potent thing. It is a good day. I want to go to Church but I can't, today. I must rest. You have no idea how fearful locking your heart into some kind of overdrive is. I won't be doing that again soon. Rest, today. Perhaps Tuesday, since I am going in to take my friend shooting, I can be there for a noon Mass. But not today, not tomorrow. So many things to do, things I want to do, I have the energy otherwise, the tools, the means, the supplies, but... no. I am grounded. I simply won't be complicit in my own death, not on purpose.
I am still hoping that this stretch might be the beginning of expanding my world though. Once I get rested, I want to begin planning to finish some tasks and chores here at home. Then I want to get in to swimming, and if so Church, more regularly in January. I want to find my stride. I want to see how much I can expand my boundaries. Latin lessons will be starting, some time, today. If I get hooked on that I may begin calculus studies again. If that works, between sessions of that, I may add chemistry or physics courses. Just two courses at once, for the foreseeable future, and that only if the Latin lessons hold up. Can I do it? I honestly don't know. I doubt it. But then... look how far I have come. Plus, I am still alive so there is always some hope where there is life?
If I can't get going soon, in a couple of hours, I will try to jump start things with a shower. I had hoped to begin experimenting with minor calisthenics by now, but that will have to wait too. That will be my lead in to swimming, so perhaps I don't spend quite as much time, initially, just catching my breath at the shallow end of the pool, when I start swimming. But swimming... is something else. Even if it is a passive exercise to my mind the resistance is whole, complete, encompassing. Further, the inward pressure from the water, the extra effort to expand the lungs against the water pressure, and not being able to breath at all times, make it a much more intense workout than what non-swimmers might think.
I am excited. I see change, or death, coming. I am pushing every boundary. I am taking what my mother started with her visit and trying to figure how to launch myself with it. Having a homier home, a clean home, and keeping up with it, is just the beginning. I see, even at this humble pace, I have to be so careful though. Gah! Hope, faith, charity. Starts at home, you know. All things do. But too, you can't give what you don't have. There is that. I am working on the bars of my cage, perhaps I have more treasure to share if I can just get out.
Good day.
.
Ah, I think that would be the new day! Heh. I didn't sleep until 6:00. In spite of doing little things all day I simply couldn't tire. Gaming in the last hours probably saved me from staying up even longer. Waking at 14:00, the girls were fed first thing. Well, almost first thing as those water pills are insistent. At least they aren't waking me up several times a night, or every night, certainly not as often as the first weeks of taking them. Weight, a fasting blood sugar, bp, medicine with a potassium slurry, then breakfast. All that before I could probably rightly recall my name.
Something seemed... different this morning. Sam wanted out after scarfing, so... Snow! And it stuck. Not a lot, perhaps an inch or so ended up staying, but the grass still pokes out. I opened the curtains and received a bolt of heat. The reflected sun is a potent thing. It is a good day. I want to go to Church but I can't, today. I must rest. You have no idea how fearful locking your heart into some kind of overdrive is. I won't be doing that again soon. Rest, today. Perhaps Tuesday, since I am going in to take my friend shooting, I can be there for a noon Mass. But not today, not tomorrow. So many things to do, things I want to do, I have the energy otherwise, the tools, the means, the supplies, but... no. I am grounded. I simply won't be complicit in my own death, not on purpose.
I am still hoping that this stretch might be the beginning of expanding my world though. Once I get rested, I want to begin planning to finish some tasks and chores here at home. Then I want to get in to swimming, and if so Church, more regularly in January. I want to find my stride. I want to see how much I can expand my boundaries. Latin lessons will be starting, some time, today. If I get hooked on that I may begin calculus studies again. If that works, between sessions of that, I may add chemistry or physics courses. Just two courses at once, for the foreseeable future, and that only if the Latin lessons hold up. Can I do it? I honestly don't know. I doubt it. But then... look how far I have come. Plus, I am still alive so there is always some hope where there is life?
If I can't get going soon, in a couple of hours, I will try to jump start things with a shower. I had hoped to begin experimenting with minor calisthenics by now, but that will have to wait too. That will be my lead in to swimming, so perhaps I don't spend quite as much time, initially, just catching my breath at the shallow end of the pool, when I start swimming. But swimming... is something else. Even if it is a passive exercise to my mind the resistance is whole, complete, encompassing. Further, the inward pressure from the water, the extra effort to expand the lungs against the water pressure, and not being able to breath at all times, make it a much more intense workout than what non-swimmers might think.
I am excited. I see change, or death, coming. I am pushing every boundary. I am taking what my mother started with her visit and trying to figure how to launch myself with it. Having a homier home, a clean home, and keeping up with it, is just the beginning. I see, even at this humble pace, I have to be so careful though. Gah! Hope, faith, charity. Starts at home, you know. All things do. But too, you can't give what you don't have. There is that. I am working on the bars of my cage, perhaps I have more treasure to share if I can just get out.
Good day.
Latin?
.
.
Well, yes. Latin. I did buy manuals to begin learning, some time back if you recall. I have yet to purchase reviewed and acceptable oral Latin CDs/DVDs, but I have found a set for that. At about $100 I have been holding off. I am hoping to make that purchase in January. However, I would like to begin with Henle's first book. To that end I went in search of a guide to using that book, a course schedule, curriculum. The internet kept telling me to just buy "the guide(tm)". I thought I had purchased everything for the first two years already, but that guide did not seem to be with my collection of books. Hmm, one more look. Ah, there it was! It was thin, much larger otherwise, and under some other books and receipts on my bedstand.
Since I need to back off some things, and I don't want to simply game, I thought to set the material out for in the "morning" (whenever I wake up). Since I am doing well with a host of typical daily events such as, weighing myself, checking bp, feeding the girls, de-pooping their kitty litter, making coffee, taking meds, and feeding my face, that adding in an hour or two of instructions might be doable. While Latin is not easy, to be sure, neither was German or French. If I have forgotten most of what I learned of those, I learned them well enough to roughly pass as a native, at one time, with some brevity of speaking on my part (in French, at least, the bastages). The difficult part, regarding Latin, is there are two aspects to it (functionally, regarding general world use, not including various archaic national pronunciations, or even eras of the true ancient language itself). There is ecclesiastic and classic Latin, within the realm of non-hyper-academic usage. How different the two are I can't yet say. I haven't seen too much from the ecclesiastic side other than that there are differences and limitations to both, but the classic side seems to be full of vulgar twits who seriously look down their noses at the group that kept the language alive for them to base their snobbishness upon, heh. Never mind, just... noting. Just read through some of the comments on secular Latin forums if you don't believe me. That is to be expected from the Godless. The thing is, I am not sure if this is going to end up being more like learning medieval and modern French, all at once, or if there are only slight variances... Ugh. Still, tomorrow will see me at the start. Oh, and Henle's teaches both, at once if you wish it.
Dinner was quite good. Instead of mashed potatoes, however, I used up the baking potatoes my mother had purchased while here, and as baked potatoes. I only ate one, but I baked all four. They are quite good fried, or in any number of ways. Once pre-baked it is merely a matter of heating them in some manner. I also fried onions and mushrooms in the pan, before adding the steak. Tossing the asparagus over the simmering piles of mushonions to simmer for the last few minutes saw me to a fine meal. A couple of slices of rye toast on the side, with a glass of milk, clenched the deal. It was such a good meal I had to use a real plate and stainless utensils, but everything is washed, and most of it is dried and put away, save for the over-the-pan grease catcher. It'll dry just fine overnight though.
Yeah, bed is calling. Even the girls have called it a night. Quitters! Heh.
Good night.
.
Well, yes. Latin. I did buy manuals to begin learning, some time back if you recall. I have yet to purchase reviewed and acceptable oral Latin CDs/DVDs, but I have found a set for that. At about $100 I have been holding off. I am hoping to make that purchase in January. However, I would like to begin with Henle's first book. To that end I went in search of a guide to using that book, a course schedule, curriculum. The internet kept telling me to just buy "the guide(tm)". I thought I had purchased everything for the first two years already, but that guide did not seem to be with my collection of books. Hmm, one more look. Ah, there it was! It was thin, much larger otherwise, and under some other books and receipts on my bedstand.
Since I need to back off some things, and I don't want to simply game, I thought to set the material out for in the "morning" (whenever I wake up). Since I am doing well with a host of typical daily events such as, weighing myself, checking bp, feeding the girls, de-pooping their kitty litter, making coffee, taking meds, and feeding my face, that adding in an hour or two of instructions might be doable. While Latin is not easy, to be sure, neither was German or French. If I have forgotten most of what I learned of those, I learned them well enough to roughly pass as a native, at one time, with some brevity of speaking on my part (in French, at least, the bastages). The difficult part, regarding Latin, is there are two aspects to it (functionally, regarding general world use, not including various archaic national pronunciations, or even eras of the true ancient language itself). There is ecclesiastic and classic Latin, within the realm of non-hyper-academic usage. How different the two are I can't yet say. I haven't seen too much from the ecclesiastic side other than that there are differences and limitations to both, but the classic side seems to be full of vulgar twits who seriously look down their noses at the group that kept the language alive for them to base their snobbishness upon, heh. Never mind, just... noting. Just read through some of the comments on secular Latin forums if you don't believe me. That is to be expected from the Godless. The thing is, I am not sure if this is going to end up being more like learning medieval and modern French, all at once, or if there are only slight variances... Ugh. Still, tomorrow will see me at the start. Oh, and Henle's teaches both, at once if you wish it.
Dinner was quite good. Instead of mashed potatoes, however, I used up the baking potatoes my mother had purchased while here, and as baked potatoes. I only ate one, but I baked all four. They are quite good fried, or in any number of ways. Once pre-baked it is merely a matter of heating them in some manner. I also fried onions and mushrooms in the pan, before adding the steak. Tossing the asparagus over the simmering piles of mushonions to simmer for the last few minutes saw me to a fine meal. A couple of slices of rye toast on the side, with a glass of milk, clenched the deal. It was such a good meal I had to use a real plate and stainless utensils, but everything is washed, and most of it is dried and put away, save for the over-the-pan grease catcher. It'll dry just fine overnight though.
Yeah, bed is calling. Even the girls have called it a night. Quitters! Heh.
Good night.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Pleasant, light, easy. That ain't all bad.
.
.
I would rather rip through tasks, learning, fun, and life like a vorpal sword through the necks of the damned, but... that is no more for me than is vengeance. Well, there is always the chance that one might be used as a tool for any such, and... so it has been. But now, today in particular, life must be simple. I never got to reading, just... never got there. The table has been cleared of tools, food has been heated and eaten and a meal will be cooked shortly. A few other nick-nack tasks have been completed, more by incident than with intent. It isn't terrible, I suppose, to just sit. It just, I have things to do. I have the tools, supplies, even the energy. How many damned things have to be just so? Too many, I'll just say it.
I did, finally, remember to reset my medicines. Oh, yeah, I know. Going through all the trouble to get to see the doctor, then skipping out on upping the dose until now? Well, there were occasional memory and energy problems. Simply, I would forget, then when I remembered I would be too tired to be able to make sense of... what... a possible complete reorganization of my medicine container? It turned out to be quite simple, really. While the new meds are 12.5, and the old meds are 25 (which I was cutting in half and taking two per day), the new dose was set at 18.75 mg. Well, that just meant cutting a 12.5 in half and adding it to the 1/2 tabs of 25/2 or 12.5 tabs. Well... okay, that... turned out easy enough. I received my medicine from my Ogden doc. I'll have to call him back, or the nurse, or secretary, or social worker, or... whomever they hand my call. I told him I would begin taking a medicine he believed I needed, and said would be on the way, but did not arrive in the package. No, no, not mad. Mistakes in such huge systems are common.
I called my mother tonight. She has had a busy social day, with her boyfriend's family having arrived to stuff a special sort of potato and meat sausage they have used for family Christmas celebrations since before arriving in the states, common to their old country. It isn't just for Christmas, my guess though is since things used to be available (including the time to make these) around this time of year, they became synonymous with Christmas, or the feast for it. The good thing is their family gathers and works together, toward a common end and just reward. Social, religious, tribal, all rolled into one. More so since occasionally they invite non-family members to join in. She prepared part of the feast for the work itself. She was tired from the prep and then the day. Which is good.
She had some notions regarding the hanging plants, one of them I have implemented. While not ideal, for the long run, it is perfect for the moment. I have moved one of the plants, the healthier looking of the two, to the top of my 'china cabinet'. That was moved in the cleaning so that the girls can no longer get up on it, meaning the plant is safe. The long term problems are that it is colder, being higher up, and that the plant would receive little light. I am hoping, by mid to late next week, the magnet will be here or I will be in a condition to mount a attic climb. So... and I have a green growing thing out in the open. Cleans the air, of course, but... just reminds me that there is life, along with the girls. Flora and fauna, in home, all good. The other plant got a good spraying of luke warm water, sitting in the tub as it is, and looking a bit pale still. I have done that twice for it, once for the other plant. The iller looking plant is perking up for it. It wasn't too bad, or I wouldn't have bought it. And I think the shock of the cold air, and travel, wilted it a bit as well. It should be full strength in a day or so.
I was telling my mother about how I had rarely watered my plants in Iowa, and laughed about how my lady friend had gotten so unhappy with me about that and the fact that my plants did fine. My plants not only lived, but thrived, with me. When I would give her one she would kill it in weeks or months. I laughingly suggested I only watered my plants as little as every six months. My mother worriedly asked if I would water them more often here. I had to chuckle at her, but promised *fingers crossed* I would do it weekly, as she suggested. Hehehe Heck, my plants, in Iowa, could be lifted out of their pots. There was no more soil, really, holding them in. And STILL they thrived. My mother had about as much sense of humor about things as did my lady friend. Plant killers, they are. Love em' to death or something. What a HOOT!
No, not a bad day. Not at all. Just not what I wanted from this day, from myself. I want to run, jump, climb, hammer, saw, move, clean, cook, read, write, play, and... live. Well, and the rest. *grins* I just can't do it, always. Other than that, my heart seems to be behaving. I am enjoying the quiet comfort of hearth and home, if missing a woman type. I have been able to give the girls more attention than usual. No, not bad. No pain, no worries really, plans are taking shape, projects are being started with some real prospect of being completed, toys and tools have been or are in the process of being obtained, and life does go on.
Hmm, a steak, I think. Yes indeed, plus mashed potatoes, gravy, and asparagus. I might even see if gaming is reasonable while I boil a small pot of potatoes. Yes, I saw the Idaho "potatoes", mom. I'll save those for some time where time is an issue. Making mashed potatoes the old fashioned way will give me time between messing with those and doing the steak, time off my feet in between tasks, and yet allow me to feel like I've done more. And... I still think I like the old fashioned way much better, regardless. Just... how I am.
Good night, perhaps.
.
I would rather rip through tasks, learning, fun, and life like a vorpal sword through the necks of the damned, but... that is no more for me than is vengeance. Well, there is always the chance that one might be used as a tool for any such, and... so it has been. But now, today in particular, life must be simple. I never got to reading, just... never got there. The table has been cleared of tools, food has been heated and eaten and a meal will be cooked shortly. A few other nick-nack tasks have been completed, more by incident than with intent. It isn't terrible, I suppose, to just sit. It just, I have things to do. I have the tools, supplies, even the energy. How many damned things have to be just so? Too many, I'll just say it.
I did, finally, remember to reset my medicines. Oh, yeah, I know. Going through all the trouble to get to see the doctor, then skipping out on upping the dose until now? Well, there were occasional memory and energy problems. Simply, I would forget, then when I remembered I would be too tired to be able to make sense of... what... a possible complete reorganization of my medicine container? It turned out to be quite simple, really. While the new meds are 12.5, and the old meds are 25 (which I was cutting in half and taking two per day), the new dose was set at 18.75 mg. Well, that just meant cutting a 12.5 in half and adding it to the 1/2 tabs of 25/2 or 12.5 tabs. Well... okay, that... turned out easy enough. I received my medicine from my Ogden doc. I'll have to call him back, or the nurse, or secretary, or social worker, or... whomever they hand my call. I told him I would begin taking a medicine he believed I needed, and said would be on the way, but did not arrive in the package. No, no, not mad. Mistakes in such huge systems are common.
I called my mother tonight. She has had a busy social day, with her boyfriend's family having arrived to stuff a special sort of potato and meat sausage they have used for family Christmas celebrations since before arriving in the states, common to their old country. It isn't just for Christmas, my guess though is since things used to be available (including the time to make these) around this time of year, they became synonymous with Christmas, or the feast for it. The good thing is their family gathers and works together, toward a common end and just reward. Social, religious, tribal, all rolled into one. More so since occasionally they invite non-family members to join in. She prepared part of the feast for the work itself. She was tired from the prep and then the day. Which is good.
She had some notions regarding the hanging plants, one of them I have implemented. While not ideal, for the long run, it is perfect for the moment. I have moved one of the plants, the healthier looking of the two, to the top of my 'china cabinet'. That was moved in the cleaning so that the girls can no longer get up on it, meaning the plant is safe. The long term problems are that it is colder, being higher up, and that the plant would receive little light. I am hoping, by mid to late next week, the magnet will be here or I will be in a condition to mount a attic climb. So... and I have a green growing thing out in the open. Cleans the air, of course, but... just reminds me that there is life, along with the girls. Flora and fauna, in home, all good. The other plant got a good spraying of luke warm water, sitting in the tub as it is, and looking a bit pale still. I have done that twice for it, once for the other plant. The iller looking plant is perking up for it. It wasn't too bad, or I wouldn't have bought it. And I think the shock of the cold air, and travel, wilted it a bit as well. It should be full strength in a day or so.
I was telling my mother about how I had rarely watered my plants in Iowa, and laughed about how my lady friend had gotten so unhappy with me about that and the fact that my plants did fine. My plants not only lived, but thrived, with me. When I would give her one she would kill it in weeks or months. I laughingly suggested I only watered my plants as little as every six months. My mother worriedly asked if I would water them more often here. I had to chuckle at her, but promised *fingers crossed* I would do it weekly, as she suggested. Hehehe Heck, my plants, in Iowa, could be lifted out of their pots. There was no more soil, really, holding them in. And STILL they thrived. My mother had about as much sense of humor about things as did my lady friend. Plant killers, they are. Love em' to death or something. What a HOOT!
No, not a bad day. Not at all. Just not what I wanted from this day, from myself. I want to run, jump, climb, hammer, saw, move, clean, cook, read, write, play, and... live. Well, and the rest. *grins* I just can't do it, always. Other than that, my heart seems to be behaving. I am enjoying the quiet comfort of hearth and home, if missing a woman type. I have been able to give the girls more attention than usual. No, not bad. No pain, no worries really, plans are taking shape, projects are being started with some real prospect of being completed, toys and tools have been or are in the process of being obtained, and life does go on.
Hmm, a steak, I think. Yes indeed, plus mashed potatoes, gravy, and asparagus. I might even see if gaming is reasonable while I boil a small pot of potatoes. Yes, I saw the Idaho "potatoes", mom. I'll save those for some time where time is an issue. Making mashed potatoes the old fashioned way will give me time between messing with those and doing the steak, time off my feet in between tasks, and yet allow me to feel like I've done more. And... I still think I like the old fashioned way much better, regardless. Just... how I am.
Good night, perhaps.
When a weak heart yelps.
.
.
While I and my doctors, in our own ways, doubt the depth or truth of the weakness of my heart, when I push past both test and then real limits I find myself being humbled by the truth. How far I can push past the limits is amazing. The price is a little unnerving. My heart will begin sticking at what seems like a mouse's pace. I don't know that it is truly beating faster, but there is a sense that something is working too fast or hard and that it is stuck there. Slowing down, or even stopping outright, at that point, does nothing to alter the thing. Only time, days, of rest and some other things seem to eventually help. I've only had faint hints of it, so far, today, but enough to know to STOP. After having gone through several longer and harder episodes in the last week, I won't be pushing things one inch further. My heart is 'sore' today, tired. I can feel it grumbling. No, not the symptoms of a heart attack, merely the organ letting me know to back things down. Two trips to town yesterday was at least one, and possibly two, trips too many.
My home is pretty much in order. Dishes are done, counters clean, the table is a bit messy with three projects on the books littering the surface. I may slowly, lightly, sort that table today. The drill and bits that I set there while figuring to install hanging planters can go back to the laundry room to join that original project, some cans can be put up, and some other tools may be stored. I had considered figuring out how to crawl into the crawlspace above the ceilings in order to find a joist and mark it in a minor way (with finishing nails on either side), using the drilled holes as a rough guide as to which joist to use. That would take a serious series of minor efforts, starting with unloading my closet and bringing in the multi-ladder, though twisting my giant form to fit into then through a small ceiling trap, at a weird angle, mostly in the dark, with a low ceiling to navigate as well, would certainly add to the effort. No extreme effort sum total would be needed and I don't dare. I have been keeping up on the girls, barf and all now that I have a better understanding of that and more tools and a spray for that. Food prep and medicine, reading, and resting, but no sleeping. Oddly, sleeping is usually no help, and can hurt no matter how alluring it might seem at times, at least until I have used up 'enough energy'(tm). Today will need to be a slow day. I won't even be gaming. Believe it or else, but my games can stress me, more so after I have stressed myself physically.
Since I have gumption but no "go", today might be a good day to begin reading again. While I really enjoy Chesterton, being that his material was written long ago and requires an historical and linguistic form of translation, as with many of my philosophy, economic, and political tomes, I will probably forgo his and the others works for now, and instead hit up one of the C.S. Lewis books I collected. The Screwtape Letters or Mere Christianity are the ones I have heard most discussed, the former being much more commonly discussed by those in my various circles. Having come from Protestantism, and having rejected it, and more recently, for specific reasons, I do not worry about "being lead astray". Further, I know other Catholics who are strong in their faith who have recommended this book. It won't be difficult for me to translate or note differences, for the most part. The reading might call for some clarifications, definition research, and such. That is what scratch pads are for. Plus, I am quite curious. After hearing about this book since I was a child, just never quite finding this particular book in my hands at a moment where it could be read, it is about time. How odd, fate, reality, and the workings and doings of when and where something desired does come to pass, perhaps even after it's prime due, isn't it?
Yes, my heart hurts. As well, it weakens me down to a very humble station in life. I don't even mind that. In some ways being humbled is a great gift. It allows me to see, without doubt, that God is in command of all things. I live, now, at the mercy of a very harsh world. Not that I am toothless, only that I could neither flee nor fight for long. And, yet, here I am. I have always liked the notion of coming to God as a child. We do in any case, but some reject even that certainty. No, I mean for our part. I reject that we should follow those who would lead us as children though, people are not capable of leading others who have blinded themselves. No, I mean first learning what it means to be a responsible adult, living that way, then learning what parts of that are not necessary and yielding those to the will of God. This illness helps me... practice that. More some times than others, albeit. It is a gift, if a hard one, at times. Urhm, and for an ogre, the notion can be somewhere between cute and funny, even evincing a gutteral chuckle or laugh to be lauded in it's sincerity, depth, and perhaps infectious nature! This is true, at least for one with a lighthearted but true sense of gallows humor to boot. Heh!
So, a day down. Monday will be as soon as I can get my vehicle in to check the dummy light. Until then I really need to rest. I fear being "stuck" reading though. Maybe it won't be as bad as it sounds. I stopped reading when focus and memory began to... become difficult. Those have improved. Maybe I could love to read again? Who knows. I do know there are probably a million books out there, mostly old ones, which I have longed to delve. There are things to be known, or at least pondered. If too there is no true gain, save... the hunger for thought being sated and perhaps an angle or two left to be considered for even practical purposes, but just as many angles of many sorts to be... analyzed.
Ah. Never mind. Good day.
.
While I and my doctors, in our own ways, doubt the depth or truth of the weakness of my heart, when I push past both test and then real limits I find myself being humbled by the truth. How far I can push past the limits is amazing. The price is a little unnerving. My heart will begin sticking at what seems like a mouse's pace. I don't know that it is truly beating faster, but there is a sense that something is working too fast or hard and that it is stuck there. Slowing down, or even stopping outright, at that point, does nothing to alter the thing. Only time, days, of rest and some other things seem to eventually help. I've only had faint hints of it, so far, today, but enough to know to STOP. After having gone through several longer and harder episodes in the last week, I won't be pushing things one inch further. My heart is 'sore' today, tired. I can feel it grumbling. No, not the symptoms of a heart attack, merely the organ letting me know to back things down. Two trips to town yesterday was at least one, and possibly two, trips too many.
My home is pretty much in order. Dishes are done, counters clean, the table is a bit messy with three projects on the books littering the surface. I may slowly, lightly, sort that table today. The drill and bits that I set there while figuring to install hanging planters can go back to the laundry room to join that original project, some cans can be put up, and some other tools may be stored. I had considered figuring out how to crawl into the crawlspace above the ceilings in order to find a joist and mark it in a minor way (with finishing nails on either side), using the drilled holes as a rough guide as to which joist to use. That would take a serious series of minor efforts, starting with unloading my closet and bringing in the multi-ladder, though twisting my giant form to fit into then through a small ceiling trap, at a weird angle, mostly in the dark, with a low ceiling to navigate as well, would certainly add to the effort. No extreme effort sum total would be needed and I don't dare. I have been keeping up on the girls, barf and all now that I have a better understanding of that and more tools and a spray for that. Food prep and medicine, reading, and resting, but no sleeping. Oddly, sleeping is usually no help, and can hurt no matter how alluring it might seem at times, at least until I have used up 'enough energy'(tm). Today will need to be a slow day. I won't even be gaming. Believe it or else, but my games can stress me, more so after I have stressed myself physically.
Since I have gumption but no "go", today might be a good day to begin reading again. While I really enjoy Chesterton, being that his material was written long ago and requires an historical and linguistic form of translation, as with many of my philosophy, economic, and political tomes, I will probably forgo his and the others works for now, and instead hit up one of the C.S. Lewis books I collected. The Screwtape Letters or Mere Christianity are the ones I have heard most discussed, the former being much more commonly discussed by those in my various circles. Having come from Protestantism, and having rejected it, and more recently, for specific reasons, I do not worry about "being lead astray". Further, I know other Catholics who are strong in their faith who have recommended this book. It won't be difficult for me to translate or note differences, for the most part. The reading might call for some clarifications, definition research, and such. That is what scratch pads are for. Plus, I am quite curious. After hearing about this book since I was a child, just never quite finding this particular book in my hands at a moment where it could be read, it is about time. How odd, fate, reality, and the workings and doings of when and where something desired does come to pass, perhaps even after it's prime due, isn't it?
Yes, my heart hurts. As well, it weakens me down to a very humble station in life. I don't even mind that. In some ways being humbled is a great gift. It allows me to see, without doubt, that God is in command of all things. I live, now, at the mercy of a very harsh world. Not that I am toothless, only that I could neither flee nor fight for long. And, yet, here I am. I have always liked the notion of coming to God as a child. We do in any case, but some reject even that certainty. No, I mean for our part. I reject that we should follow those who would lead us as children though, people are not capable of leading others who have blinded themselves. No, I mean first learning what it means to be a responsible adult, living that way, then learning what parts of that are not necessary and yielding those to the will of God. This illness helps me... practice that. More some times than others, albeit. It is a gift, if a hard one, at times. Urhm, and for an ogre, the notion can be somewhere between cute and funny, even evincing a gutteral chuckle or laugh to be lauded in it's sincerity, depth, and perhaps infectious nature! This is true, at least for one with a lighthearted but true sense of gallows humor to boot. Heh!
So, a day down. Monday will be as soon as I can get my vehicle in to check the dummy light. Until then I really need to rest. I fear being "stuck" reading though. Maybe it won't be as bad as it sounds. I stopped reading when focus and memory began to... become difficult. Those have improved. Maybe I could love to read again? Who knows. I do know there are probably a million books out there, mostly old ones, which I have longed to delve. There are things to be known, or at least pondered. If too there is no true gain, save... the hunger for thought being sated and perhaps an angle or two left to be considered for even practical purposes, but just as many angles of many sorts to be... analyzed.
Ah. Never mind. Good day.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Well? Okay, maybe another tack is needed.
.
.
A bit of this and that, the non-contact voltage detector is a dud, so will be going back. *sigh* Never mind, I'll find a joist and get going on that. My handy dandy joist/stud detector, checked and rocking, in hand, I head into the computer room. Ah, a joist! *drill* Hmm, must have been a little off. Ah, a joist! Hmm, well, one more time. No joist was to be found. *le sigh* Okay, so what does YouTube have to say? Is it the new magic mirror or what? Anyway... this is what one man there had to say.
.
A bit of this and that, the non-contact voltage detector is a dud, so will be going back. *sigh* Never mind, I'll find a joist and get going on that. My handy dandy joist/stud detector, checked and rocking, in hand, I head into the computer room. Ah, a joist! *drill* Hmm, must have been a little off. Ah, a joist! Hmm, well, one more time. No joist was to be found. *le sigh* Okay, so what does YouTube have to say? Is it the new magic mirror or what? Anyway... this is what one man there had to say.
Angry!
.
.
Yes, fine, so I have been doing bits and pieces. What I have been failing to do is complete purchases, and processes, so that I can complete anything clearly or cleanly. Buying the drywall repair goods, but missing this and that. Buying peppers and spices for the sauce, but not all of them or everything. On and on the list went. Tonight, when I realized how much I still needed I decided to go right back into town and finish three projects, new and old, and buy a tool or two that had been on the immediate use list anyway.
I stopped at the hardware store first. Those plants in hangers I bought? Yeah, well, though I have wall/ceiling anchors, I don't have a single hook with the length needed to go through the drywall and into wood! Now I do, and fairly substantial ones. I also, finally, bought a non-contact voltage tester, along with a tester for outlets (plug-in). I bought, essentially, bailing wire as well, to put aluminum pie tins under the hanging plants. Pie tins I would buy at my next stop. So, okay for those sets of projects. Next to the grocery store. I have, after searching four stores, not found Thai peppers. I will use a thin-skinned form of jalapeno as a replacement. It'll be a bit milder, from store bought habanero to the jalapeno instead of Thai pepper. It should, however, be enough to try out. Further, I kept forgetting what the other spice the recipe called for was, and whether I had it. I nailed that down before I left. Oregano was the spice, and no, I couldn't find any on hand. Now I have it. As well, dried habanero. Could that possibly be locally available? After tearing through some number of stores and not finding it, I finally found it tonight at my regular store. Go figure. Dried, 1/2 oz. packages, of the hot stuff. The recipe seems to call for 5 oz. of that. Really? They come in .5 oz packages, each $1.50 or so. But, okay, just in case, I got 10 packs of those. Really? I'll check in a bit.
Not one more project will go underfunded, unsupplied, or such. When I finally get everything together to go do, I need it ready and there. I never know when the notion or function will be in place again. Further, having those plants hanging, having the light up and function, testing the various parts of my home electric which I can do now to a degree, that all adds up to both momentum and morale. If I have to get a little angry, and dig a little deeper, and track a little harder, then so be it. No more stop and go, that just kills me, my sense of things. Sometimes there will be nothing to do for it, as problems arise. What I can foresee, though, I absolutely have to tend, hard, immediately. I don't think these docs know how on the tip of my tippy toes I have to be to reach the heights I seem to reach. They don't understand what I have to do. I am walking a highwire with a crosswind and the dang thing is greased in places. They truly do not understand, or that I do it... quite well, given the circumstances. Most can't, wouldn't even try it, know better. I just... was never "learned properly". Bah!
No, I am done otherwise though tonight. I might try to find ceiling braces, and might further drill pilot holes to install the hooks, then do that. I might even get the plants out of the bathroom, figure out the water basins (aka pie tins) and 'bailing wire', and have those up for the morning (in safe keeping after I noticed the girls already tentatively digging and ripping off branches... BRATS!). I will eat something or other. HUNGRY. More? Not so much. I should sleep well, and maybe a bit earlier, perhaps. If I can come down from the rage needed to go to town a second time that is.
Later.
.
Yes, fine, so I have been doing bits and pieces. What I have been failing to do is complete purchases, and processes, so that I can complete anything clearly or cleanly. Buying the drywall repair goods, but missing this and that. Buying peppers and spices for the sauce, but not all of them or everything. On and on the list went. Tonight, when I realized how much I still needed I decided to go right back into town and finish three projects, new and old, and buy a tool or two that had been on the immediate use list anyway.
I stopped at the hardware store first. Those plants in hangers I bought? Yeah, well, though I have wall/ceiling anchors, I don't have a single hook with the length needed to go through the drywall and into wood! Now I do, and fairly substantial ones. I also, finally, bought a non-contact voltage tester, along with a tester for outlets (plug-in). I bought, essentially, bailing wire as well, to put aluminum pie tins under the hanging plants. Pie tins I would buy at my next stop. So, okay for those sets of projects. Next to the grocery store. I have, after searching four stores, not found Thai peppers. I will use a thin-skinned form of jalapeno as a replacement. It'll be a bit milder, from store bought habanero to the jalapeno instead of Thai pepper. It should, however, be enough to try out. Further, I kept forgetting what the other spice the recipe called for was, and whether I had it. I nailed that down before I left. Oregano was the spice, and no, I couldn't find any on hand. Now I have it. As well, dried habanero. Could that possibly be locally available? After tearing through some number of stores and not finding it, I finally found it tonight at my regular store. Go figure. Dried, 1/2 oz. packages, of the hot stuff. The recipe seems to call for 5 oz. of that. Really? They come in .5 oz packages, each $1.50 or so. But, okay, just in case, I got 10 packs of those. Really? I'll check in a bit.
Not one more project will go underfunded, unsupplied, or such. When I finally get everything together to go do, I need it ready and there. I never know when the notion or function will be in place again. Further, having those plants hanging, having the light up and function, testing the various parts of my home electric which I can do now to a degree, that all adds up to both momentum and morale. If I have to get a little angry, and dig a little deeper, and track a little harder, then so be it. No more stop and go, that just kills me, my sense of things. Sometimes there will be nothing to do for it, as problems arise. What I can foresee, though, I absolutely have to tend, hard, immediately. I don't think these docs know how on the tip of my tippy toes I have to be to reach the heights I seem to reach. They don't understand what I have to do. I am walking a highwire with a crosswind and the dang thing is greased in places. They truly do not understand, or that I do it... quite well, given the circumstances. Most can't, wouldn't even try it, know better. I just... was never "learned properly". Bah!
No, I am done otherwise though tonight. I might try to find ceiling braces, and might further drill pilot holes to install the hooks, then do that. I might even get the plants out of the bathroom, figure out the water basins (aka pie tins) and 'bailing wire', and have those up for the morning (in safe keeping after I noticed the girls already tentatively digging and ripping off branches... BRATS!). I will eat something or other. HUNGRY. More? Not so much. I should sleep well, and maybe a bit earlier, perhaps. If I can come down from the rage needed to go to town a second time that is.
Later.
To the store and back. An ogre's tale.
.
.
Shortly after posting, then spending time rehabilitating my wakefulness, I jumped in the shower, spiffified my lonesome, and called my friend. He would not go. He had things to do, and an appointment in a while, so I went all lone ranger on the trip. First the hardware store. Anchors, enough, and long enough, for just about anything I could need them for in the short small term, two 2'x2'x1/2" drywall panels, just in case and to have some on hand for other possible events, such as wiring checks. I forgot to buy a pen-tester for electric, and I didn't look at what they offered for clamp volt meters either. I did, while I was there, pick up two houseplants, to be hung from the ceiling. One in this, the computer, room. One... somewhere else. Oh, nothing fancy or exotic. Since my mother homified my house, I thought I would keep up in that vein, and nothing says home like green growing plants.
After that, a trip to the tobacconist. A couple of rolls of tobacco where had, and while entering the place I noticed a smoke house restaurant seemed to have or be open or opening in that area. I asked the women in the tobacco shop whatfor. She said the place was open, it was just not yet advertising. This is the same place that was flooded to closing... a year or two(?) ago. Okies. I had to stop and have me a bit of brisket, with potato and yam fries for the sides. And, remembering my friend absolutely loved their baked beans, I grabbed two sides of those to take to him. All good, a smoke house within easy reach, again, finally. I took the beans to my friend, did a social call there, then headed to the grocery store. In and out.
My list was with me but I knew two things. First, I kept losing it in all my pockets and couldn't seem to keep it straight anyway.... and it might be incomplete. *shrug* I used it a few times to sort things out a bit, then just... put it away somewhere and thought not another thing about it. I think I have everything for the habanero sauce... I think. If so, tomorrow or Sunday that will go into the pot and begin to stew. It won't take all that long. It will stink up the house pretty awful, from what I have read. The price of victory I suppose.
Not bad. But now the service engine dummy light is lit. I am hoping to make a call, and perhaps take her in, tomorrow. My friend suggested he would be interested in going shooting this coming Tuesday. I think that can happen. I just want to make sure my vehicle is running right before then, or get it fixed as needed before hand. Ugh but what this world does to make sure we don't just go to sleep! Well, if it doesn't put us to sleep, for the long haul. Eh? One way or another, but for now I am moving along as fast as my little reality allows. Later.
.
Shortly after posting, then spending time rehabilitating my wakefulness, I jumped in the shower, spiffified my lonesome, and called my friend. He would not go. He had things to do, and an appointment in a while, so I went all lone ranger on the trip. First the hardware store. Anchors, enough, and long enough, for just about anything I could need them for in the short small term, two 2'x2'x1/2" drywall panels, just in case and to have some on hand for other possible events, such as wiring checks. I forgot to buy a pen-tester for electric, and I didn't look at what they offered for clamp volt meters either. I did, while I was there, pick up two houseplants, to be hung from the ceiling. One in this, the computer, room. One... somewhere else. Oh, nothing fancy or exotic. Since my mother homified my house, I thought I would keep up in that vein, and nothing says home like green growing plants.
After that, a trip to the tobacconist. A couple of rolls of tobacco where had, and while entering the place I noticed a smoke house restaurant seemed to have or be open or opening in that area. I asked the women in the tobacco shop whatfor. She said the place was open, it was just not yet advertising. This is the same place that was flooded to closing... a year or two(?) ago. Okies. I had to stop and have me a bit of brisket, with potato and yam fries for the sides. And, remembering my friend absolutely loved their baked beans, I grabbed two sides of those to take to him. All good, a smoke house within easy reach, again, finally. I took the beans to my friend, did a social call there, then headed to the grocery store. In and out.
My list was with me but I knew two things. First, I kept losing it in all my pockets and couldn't seem to keep it straight anyway.... and it might be incomplete. *shrug* I used it a few times to sort things out a bit, then just... put it away somewhere and thought not another thing about it. I think I have everything for the habanero sauce... I think. If so, tomorrow or Sunday that will go into the pot and begin to stew. It won't take all that long. It will stink up the house pretty awful, from what I have read. The price of victory I suppose.
Not bad. But now the service engine dummy light is lit. I am hoping to make a call, and perhaps take her in, tomorrow. My friend suggested he would be interested in going shooting this coming Tuesday. I think that can happen. I just want to make sure my vehicle is running right before then, or get it fixed as needed before hand. Ugh but what this world does to make sure we don't just go to sleep! Well, if it doesn't put us to sleep, for the long haul. Eh? One way or another, but for now I am moving along as fast as my little reality allows. Later.
Amazing turnabout?
.
.
Just days ago I saw a blackout coming. Like the fighter who begins to see stars and losing the sensation of pain, I suspected the mat was where my next hit was coming from. Gravity, of any sort, can be a real bitch. So, what happened? Did meds kick in just in time, did I catch a second breath? Oh, well, I'm not, purely speaking, out of the shit yet. I am just... staying on my feet, doing absolute minimums, not putting the champ in the corner. I'll take it, I'll take it!
I didn't get to bed until 3:30. Like I said though, I wanted to be up by noon at the latest. While it would be pushing it, since yesterday was light and I believed sleep would be good, I set the alarm for 11:00. I did wake at 8:00, needing to void, but I could... not... wake... beyond tending the call of nature anyway. Life hurt. Then I got a call at a bit before 10:00, the V.A., an echo cardiogram. Okay, I was pretty deep in the throws of sleep. She didn't really want to talk but I knew I had to get the data or it would be lost, as would my chances of making it. So I struggled to keep her on the line long enough to nail down solid numbers on the data (the 13th and a Thursday @ 13:00). It was murder fighting her to give me the key data in numbers my mind could grok and fight my sleep enough to fight her and get the data, and then store that in my mind well enough to transfer to something more solid and quickly before it evaporated into the ether... or nether. But I did it. I put the data into my phone calendar, with enough alarms that even I might make it, considering my weak-sauce positioning in the world. Damn it, they can't say I don't put in the effort, failures be damned.
After that effort, I thought about going back to sleep. I thought to let the alarm get me up. But, no, I was... well enough awake, and being awake didn't hurt. So, I swung my legs out like I was heading to war, crisp, clean, fast, and hard. I bolted to the kitchen to... What? Ah, feed the girls. Then what? My mind... just wasn't moving like my corpse. Ah, meds... no... potassium... no... weight! Weight first, always. Could I void first though? Nope. *plop* The scale is mocking me... 275.0. Bastard. Never mind. Now for medicine, potassium mixed first, to take as the liquid for the medicine. I couldn't handle the potassium this morning but did get enough down to take the medicine. Did I mix it wrong, did I use water or that girly stuff my mom started me on that was in the jug? Fuck! I can't remember. Brain is NOT working.
Hungry. I have eaten all but one big several serving size bowl of the menudo. I had that last big bowl thawing. Yep, it was fully thawed, as was the meat I had put out with it. Meat into the fridge, a serving bowl filled out of the big bowl of menudo, into the microwave then the big bowl into the fridge, turn on the micro. Yep, that is... as good as it gets for planning and brain power. Somewhere in there the computer and game were switched on. An hour or two of goofing to get me ready to take a shower then call my friend.
What is wrong? Don't know, this is actually a good if not quite top or ideal day, being that I am awake, before the alarm, and have run my subroutines properly so far. I have taken bp and weight, then medicine and food, the machines are on, the curtains are open to a sunny day, and I'm not dead. I think. This, perhaps, is actually purgatory. I'm not completely square on that notion, and how would I prove otherwise? Either way, I am working to be a self-functional tool for God, and to do His will. And I will do that until either I am no more or He takes me home.
Whatever, this is what I have and what I know. Weak-ass-sauce as that may be, push or pull as I might, come what may, I will just keep up as I can. And enjoy it, actually, if I don't have a clue about what is going on half or more of the time. I best get to tinkering to try to kick something loose so my time in town is productive and my friend doesn't call out the zombie killer squad on me. Bleh.
Good day.
.
Just days ago I saw a blackout coming. Like the fighter who begins to see stars and losing the sensation of pain, I suspected the mat was where my next hit was coming from. Gravity, of any sort, can be a real bitch. So, what happened? Did meds kick in just in time, did I catch a second breath? Oh, well, I'm not, purely speaking, out of the shit yet. I am just... staying on my feet, doing absolute minimums, not putting the champ in the corner. I'll take it, I'll take it!
I didn't get to bed until 3:30. Like I said though, I wanted to be up by noon at the latest. While it would be pushing it, since yesterday was light and I believed sleep would be good, I set the alarm for 11:00. I did wake at 8:00, needing to void, but I could... not... wake... beyond tending the call of nature anyway. Life hurt. Then I got a call at a bit before 10:00, the V.A., an echo cardiogram. Okay, I was pretty deep in the throws of sleep. She didn't really want to talk but I knew I had to get the data or it would be lost, as would my chances of making it. So I struggled to keep her on the line long enough to nail down solid numbers on the data (the 13th and a Thursday @ 13:00). It was murder fighting her to give me the key data in numbers my mind could grok and fight my sleep enough to fight her and get the data, and then store that in my mind well enough to transfer to something more solid and quickly before it evaporated into the ether... or nether. But I did it. I put the data into my phone calendar, with enough alarms that even I might make it, considering my weak-sauce positioning in the world. Damn it, they can't say I don't put in the effort, failures be damned.
After that effort, I thought about going back to sleep. I thought to let the alarm get me up. But, no, I was... well enough awake, and being awake didn't hurt. So, I swung my legs out like I was heading to war, crisp, clean, fast, and hard. I bolted to the kitchen to... What? Ah, feed the girls. Then what? My mind... just wasn't moving like my corpse. Ah, meds... no... potassium... no... weight! Weight first, always. Could I void first though? Nope. *plop* The scale is mocking me... 275.0. Bastard. Never mind. Now for medicine, potassium mixed first, to take as the liquid for the medicine. I couldn't handle the potassium this morning but did get enough down to take the medicine. Did I mix it wrong, did I use water or that girly stuff my mom started me on that was in the jug? Fuck! I can't remember. Brain is NOT working.
Hungry. I have eaten all but one big several serving size bowl of the menudo. I had that last big bowl thawing. Yep, it was fully thawed, as was the meat I had put out with it. Meat into the fridge, a serving bowl filled out of the big bowl of menudo, into the microwave then the big bowl into the fridge, turn on the micro. Yep, that is... as good as it gets for planning and brain power. Somewhere in there the computer and game were switched on. An hour or two of goofing to get me ready to take a shower then call my friend.
What is wrong? Don't know, this is actually a good if not quite top or ideal day, being that I am awake, before the alarm, and have run my subroutines properly so far. I have taken bp and weight, then medicine and food, the machines are on, the curtains are open to a sunny day, and I'm not dead. I think. This, perhaps, is actually purgatory. I'm not completely square on that notion, and how would I prove otherwise? Either way, I am working to be a self-functional tool for God, and to do His will. And I will do that until either I am no more or He takes me home.
Whatever, this is what I have and what I know. Weak-ass-sauce as that may be, push or pull as I might, come what may, I will just keep up as I can. And enjoy it, actually, if I don't have a clue about what is going on half or more of the time. I best get to tinkering to try to kick something loose so my time in town is productive and my friend doesn't call out the zombie killer squad on me. Bleh.
Good day.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Way late waking, but no surprise.
.
.
Considering when I went to bed, and adding 9 hours to that, I set the alarm. And I woke with the alarm, barely. I didn't exactly have to push or shove to wake, but I didn't wake early, either. Yesterday was long, with only a few hours of sleep to bolster it. I can tell by my dry throat that I snored, hard. I didn't even rise to use the bathroom through the night.
My bp was not the best, but within the range of the much better readings. My weight is simply not coming down. It couldn't be over-eating, but it doesn't seem to be water weight, at this point, either. I simply don't know what that is about. A bit of waking time, then some work in the kitchen and laundry room, in more ways than one on that latter. I already had a bite to eat, those shoulder chops are really good, again. Oh, I best set out more meat to thaw and arrange things for a trip to town tomorrow. I am going to push to be up by 11:00 to noon, tomorrow.
There is no need to open the curtains, at this point, today. We have fogged in pretty heavily. Sometimes that is a pretty, pensive, or swirling view of nature, but today... either I am not really up to it or it isn't one of those days. I never can tell, for sure, when I do or don't enjoy something, if the basis for my reaction is subjective or objective. It can be either, or even a bit of both somehow.
You know, reviewing my conversations with my doc, I actually think he was quietly doubting my veracity. He asked what I do, professionally. I told him that I have been disabled for 25 years. Yeah, his reaction was odd. Didn't he know that? Anyway. Sometimes docs get really snooty when I say that. I need to remind them that I attempted to get through engineering school. That I have spent time, years, trying to hold down jobs, only to meet with utter failure. I have tried 'high' and 'low' jobs, muscle and mind and easy jobs. I can't maintain a day schedule and full activity, period. It isn't like someone gave me a pass, so I then went and found a place to rest, then quit. Don't look down your noses at me, fuckers. Fix me, or at least find out what the problem is. Then again, I think... they know, or suspect. They just don't like that they can't seem to fix it. Can a man live, long term, with a bad heart? Is a bad heart enough to fully disable a man? He didn't even seem to think my heart was all that bad, despite the information right in front of him. My abilities (however temporary and limited in scope) seemed to make him think that I can't be that sick. This last cardiac doc questioned some part of that, or all of it, if... passively. But, yeah, I... realized he was very much doing that. Fuck off or do YOUR job. Yeah, fine, I get a bit grumpy about it. But I would RATHER be working, going to school first, then hitting up a career in engineering. Hrumph!
Well, later.
.
Considering when I went to bed, and adding 9 hours to that, I set the alarm. And I woke with the alarm, barely. I didn't exactly have to push or shove to wake, but I didn't wake early, either. Yesterday was long, with only a few hours of sleep to bolster it. I can tell by my dry throat that I snored, hard. I didn't even rise to use the bathroom through the night.
My bp was not the best, but within the range of the much better readings. My weight is simply not coming down. It couldn't be over-eating, but it doesn't seem to be water weight, at this point, either. I simply don't know what that is about. A bit of waking time, then some work in the kitchen and laundry room, in more ways than one on that latter. I already had a bite to eat, those shoulder chops are really good, again. Oh, I best set out more meat to thaw and arrange things for a trip to town tomorrow. I am going to push to be up by 11:00 to noon, tomorrow.
There is no need to open the curtains, at this point, today. We have fogged in pretty heavily. Sometimes that is a pretty, pensive, or swirling view of nature, but today... either I am not really up to it or it isn't one of those days. I never can tell, for sure, when I do or don't enjoy something, if the basis for my reaction is subjective or objective. It can be either, or even a bit of both somehow.
You know, reviewing my conversations with my doc, I actually think he was quietly doubting my veracity. He asked what I do, professionally. I told him that I have been disabled for 25 years. Yeah, his reaction was odd. Didn't he know that? Anyway. Sometimes docs get really snooty when I say that. I need to remind them that I attempted to get through engineering school. That I have spent time, years, trying to hold down jobs, only to meet with utter failure. I have tried 'high' and 'low' jobs, muscle and mind and easy jobs. I can't maintain a day schedule and full activity, period. It isn't like someone gave me a pass, so I then went and found a place to rest, then quit. Don't look down your noses at me, fuckers. Fix me, or at least find out what the problem is. Then again, I think... they know, or suspect. They just don't like that they can't seem to fix it. Can a man live, long term, with a bad heart? Is a bad heart enough to fully disable a man? He didn't even seem to think my heart was all that bad, despite the information right in front of him. My abilities (however temporary and limited in scope) seemed to make him think that I can't be that sick. This last cardiac doc questioned some part of that, or all of it, if... passively. But, yeah, I... realized he was very much doing that. Fuck off or do YOUR job. Yeah, fine, I get a bit grumpy about it. But I would RATHER be working, going to school first, then hitting up a career in engineering. Hrumph!
Well, later.
Sleep is slipping, but it was a good run.
.
.
There was no real chance to sleep. It is much like hoping for rain when there isn't a cloud in the sky, or even one forecast for weeks. Which was fine. I had thawed some pork shoulder cuts some time back. I checked, hoping they hadn't gone bad. No, still good. Probably to turn bad very soon though. A bit of oil, a little flour, salt, pepper, and garlic on some (couldn't taste it, and I used what I thought was a lot). Still, I had both a great late meal, saved the meat, and have enough for two or three, maybe four, more meals. Hmm, sure, I could use some of the various vegetables I have for filler, or simmer one of the cutlets in stewed tomatoes. I suppose since I couldn't sleep, at least I averted waste. The kitchen won't be hit until the morning though... did I write "morning". Ahaha, silly me. I meant... tomorrow. Thursday. At first I was thinking I needed to rethink, mistakenly thinking tomorrow might be Friday, the day I am going to town to see my friend, shoot, shop, or whatever. But, no. Any excuse to avoid cleaning? Maybe.
Gaming is a lot of fun, at least when one isn't too tired. The controls in this particular game are a bit... weak. At first I thought this was a flaw, and perhaps it is (though a very typical one). But in this game, I think it is as much of a built in... challenge, as anything. And, yes, I am picky about whether I think something is a flaw or an enhancement. Dropping from ledges while platforming isn't smooth or even sure. Jumping up might get you one or two levels up. Two is usually good, unless there is nothing else up there. You really have to pay attention. Mazes, platform jumping, puzzles, intermittent fighting and being jumped at the oddest moments, keeps the game... lively. Still, after several hours or more of playing the mind becomes a little numb. I will finish off the boss of the dungeon I am in, which I had to look up how to do being too tired tonight to figure it on my own, then, finally, bed time. At 3:30 now, and assuming I can do the boss in five or ten minutes, that means, at earliest, I will be setting my alarm for about 13:00.
I usually try to get up before that, the alarm is more of an outside window in case I am simply resting too well. If I need more sleep though, well, the alarm either gets changed or simply shut off if 'no one is home'. Yeah, I know, it must seem like a lot of rules and caveats and orders of things. But really life is more about living, how it gets done is more the reality than something rules can encompass (as with you in your life). I suppose my suggestions are more... what I have seen in the past. Some of them are simply common sense, or even blatantly obvious literal happenings. Still, I like to try to figure out how things work, then tune them to my preferences. Failing is just par for the course, if not always on all things. On sleep and day cycles? I will most likely fail, only to crash and burn, then rise from the ashes, Phoenix style, into days again sometime in the future. Even with a woman about, while I do much better, it was never perfect even then. Just... much better. Either to avoid her or be with her, and sometimes it could be one or the other with the same woman. *grins* Gah but women can be annoying furry bunny squirrels! I just avoid long enough that they finally begin to miss me again though, when I am not of the mood or temper to deal with... their form of insanity. Some women are stubborn that way, holding onto grudges for the longest of times.
Yeah, tomorrow... rest up a bit from today. I was only slightly off, due to the flu shot, though it might solely have been little sleep and the events of the day. I am worn regardless. A bit of cleaning in the kitchen, maybe getting the last bad panel out of the drywall, and laundry could take a little attention. I won't press it though. This is sort of my week off, coming down from my mother's visit. I do need some rest. Then again, if I can step into things, that is about as much as I might expect to get to on any particular day. If I can, once a month for a week or so, pick up the pace to maintain that level plus add a special project, that would be my ideal, given the real limitations, thus what I can expect from myself. I turn into a zombie otherwise, and I don't have anyone hereabouts to do the thinking, or even to guide me toward doing my own. The doctors just don't seem to understand that, at all. Not the physical side, not the psychiatric side. I'm just more tired than I should possibly be, or than I can compensate for with sleep or anything else. Even Ritalin only slightly offered function, I still was tired 'on the inside'. TIRED! ALWAYS! Famished for sleep! What is not to get? Don't look at the body, or mind, for "reasons", just listen to me. TIRED! Ugh.
Oh, sure, I realize I told... long stories. But when you are extremely tired, you are also very vulnerable to suggestion. With my imagination, and their seeming want of stories, they got what they wanted. The little bit inside me that was even partially aware was as careless about the whole thing as someone on way too much Valium or something. I had no capacity to care that I was being led to lie, then lying, I just wanted to feel rested, to sleep, to... something, anything. That exhaustion, and lack of anyone hearing that simple notion, combined, is what drove me to suicide. Anti-depressants kept me suicidal, as I see things now. Amazing how backing away from medical, with an income, time, and space, I have sorted things out probably as well as they can be sorted out. Now, perhaps, the heart, and diabetes, can begin to be treated rightly. They are on the path to that. I still doubt that I will see much improvement in the rest of my life. Scary as that is, it is what I have. Even so, I'll take it. I don't have to worry about death. I've already seen some pretty horrific things and know I can endure, with a little time. And I like life, little or big as it may be on any given day.
Meh, whatever. I'm rambling as my mind seeks a place to begin shutting down. Good night.
.
There was no real chance to sleep. It is much like hoping for rain when there isn't a cloud in the sky, or even one forecast for weeks. Which was fine. I had thawed some pork shoulder cuts some time back. I checked, hoping they hadn't gone bad. No, still good. Probably to turn bad very soon though. A bit of oil, a little flour, salt, pepper, and garlic on some (couldn't taste it, and I used what I thought was a lot). Still, I had both a great late meal, saved the meat, and have enough for two or three, maybe four, more meals. Hmm, sure, I could use some of the various vegetables I have for filler, or simmer one of the cutlets in stewed tomatoes. I suppose since I couldn't sleep, at least I averted waste. The kitchen won't be hit until the morning though... did I write "morning". Ahaha, silly me. I meant... tomorrow. Thursday. At first I was thinking I needed to rethink, mistakenly thinking tomorrow might be Friday, the day I am going to town to see my friend, shoot, shop, or whatever. But, no. Any excuse to avoid cleaning? Maybe.
Gaming is a lot of fun, at least when one isn't too tired. The controls in this particular game are a bit... weak. At first I thought this was a flaw, and perhaps it is (though a very typical one). But in this game, I think it is as much of a built in... challenge, as anything. And, yes, I am picky about whether I think something is a flaw or an enhancement. Dropping from ledges while platforming isn't smooth or even sure. Jumping up might get you one or two levels up. Two is usually good, unless there is nothing else up there. You really have to pay attention. Mazes, platform jumping, puzzles, intermittent fighting and being jumped at the oddest moments, keeps the game... lively. Still, after several hours or more of playing the mind becomes a little numb. I will finish off the boss of the dungeon I am in, which I had to look up how to do being too tired tonight to figure it on my own, then, finally, bed time. At 3:30 now, and assuming I can do the boss in five or ten minutes, that means, at earliest, I will be setting my alarm for about 13:00.
I usually try to get up before that, the alarm is more of an outside window in case I am simply resting too well. If I need more sleep though, well, the alarm either gets changed or simply shut off if 'no one is home'. Yeah, I know, it must seem like a lot of rules and caveats and orders of things. But really life is more about living, how it gets done is more the reality than something rules can encompass (as with you in your life). I suppose my suggestions are more... what I have seen in the past. Some of them are simply common sense, or even blatantly obvious literal happenings. Still, I like to try to figure out how things work, then tune them to my preferences. Failing is just par for the course, if not always on all things. On sleep and day cycles? I will most likely fail, only to crash and burn, then rise from the ashes, Phoenix style, into days again sometime in the future. Even with a woman about, while I do much better, it was never perfect even then. Just... much better. Either to avoid her or be with her, and sometimes it could be one or the other with the same woman. *grins* Gah but women can be annoying furry bunny squirrels! I just avoid long enough that they finally begin to miss me again though, when I am not of the mood or temper to deal with... their form of insanity. Some women are stubborn that way, holding onto grudges for the longest of times.
Yeah, tomorrow... rest up a bit from today. I was only slightly off, due to the flu shot, though it might solely have been little sleep and the events of the day. I am worn regardless. A bit of cleaning in the kitchen, maybe getting the last bad panel out of the drywall, and laundry could take a little attention. I won't press it though. This is sort of my week off, coming down from my mother's visit. I do need some rest. Then again, if I can step into things, that is about as much as I might expect to get to on any particular day. If I can, once a month for a week or so, pick up the pace to maintain that level plus add a special project, that would be my ideal, given the real limitations, thus what I can expect from myself. I turn into a zombie otherwise, and I don't have anyone hereabouts to do the thinking, or even to guide me toward doing my own. The doctors just don't seem to understand that, at all. Not the physical side, not the psychiatric side. I'm just more tired than I should possibly be, or than I can compensate for with sleep or anything else. Even Ritalin only slightly offered function, I still was tired 'on the inside'. TIRED! ALWAYS! Famished for sleep! What is not to get? Don't look at the body, or mind, for "reasons", just listen to me. TIRED! Ugh.
Oh, sure, I realize I told... long stories. But when you are extremely tired, you are also very vulnerable to suggestion. With my imagination, and their seeming want of stories, they got what they wanted. The little bit inside me that was even partially aware was as careless about the whole thing as someone on way too much Valium or something. I had no capacity to care that I was being led to lie, then lying, I just wanted to feel rested, to sleep, to... something, anything. That exhaustion, and lack of anyone hearing that simple notion, combined, is what drove me to suicide. Anti-depressants kept me suicidal, as I see things now. Amazing how backing away from medical, with an income, time, and space, I have sorted things out probably as well as they can be sorted out. Now, perhaps, the heart, and diabetes, can begin to be treated rightly. They are on the path to that. I still doubt that I will see much improvement in the rest of my life. Scary as that is, it is what I have. Even so, I'll take it. I don't have to worry about death. I've already seen some pretty horrific things and know I can endure, with a little time. And I like life, little or big as it may be on any given day.
Meh, whatever. I'm rambling as my mind seeks a place to begin shutting down. Good night.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Ah-ha!
.
.
Okay, the "Ah-ha" is about a couple of comments from my main contributor. I knew I had seen them, on my smart phone, but when I went to respond to them on the computer... nowhere to be found. Further, for some reason, they disappeared off my cellphone. Actually I had only seen one, but when I signed in this time something indicated that there were two comments awaiting posting. Don't worry, D.C., part of my crazy like a fox thing that has worked wonders about keeping spammers at bay, not some new trick. I just... rarely get comments that way.
Nap? What nap? Oh, that nap. Actually it was just a couple of hours down. I set the alarm, as I knew if I didn't I would absolutely destroy my schedule. Gotta admit, I've been on a regular(ish) schedule since before my mother arrived, and right through her stay and to now. That... come to think of it... that HAS to be a RECORD! Now way, that was over a month of days, and not in the summer heat (though even summer isn't always a guarantee, as I have escaped into the cool of the night). Wow, at least a month and a half, give or take? Seriously, this pleases me! Oh how far from the graces of being a true... what humans might call... immortal, lord, master of self and universe... No, never a godling, just... Never mind, I will take my little booby prize and pop the top on enough beers for what goes for a party around here (two, four if I get feisty!). Shut it, as I said, I have fallen. heh
My alarm was sounding as I heard the phone. Half in some dream or other, I tried to figure out how many damned things could buzz at me at once, which one to get first, and where the hell my feet were and if my legs were still attached to them. I stumble bunnied to my cell first, knocking my glasses... somewhere. While trying to answer the phone, then I began a hand scramble over likely areas searching for my glasses, not even sure if I was actually awake. Beginning to hear a voice that sounded familiar, I quit the glasses and went for the alarm so what was being said might make some sort of sense, I finally got some breathing room from the buzzes. But then I had to figure out how to keep the phone to my face, not even quite sure how I had "answered" the phone in the first place and musing over that, while going back to look for my glasses but! I had to PEE! OMG did I have to pee. So, without my glasses, but with the buzzing ceased, if a voice was still yacking at my, I paid some lip service and stumbled to the bathroom, hoping I didn't run over any cats, furniture, or such. AHHHHHHH! Some things are better than others, some things are supreme. This was, my friends, supreme. Now... what? Who? Oh, "Hi mom!". Heh Not my usual, but it was a long day, it's been a rough few days, and a collusion of incidents lead to the absolute clumsiest moment I have enjoyed in... decades. Another RECORD!
She was curious about the doctor had to say. I... thought about teasing about imminent death, but mom... doesn't share my darker humors. So... not wanting more buzzing in my ears and possibly hurt feelings, I spilled the beans. The doc thinks I will not only live but maybe that I have improved enough to not be seen at his clinic (if I think that not volunteering myself for heart transplant is part of it). I let her know that my bp has been coming down nicely, that I have been taking my medicines well, and that I baked cookies and then cleaned to kitchen to within... well... at least my tolerances but that she would be pleased. Oh, and I told her about my poison habanero sauce notions. "No thank you, at all!", more or less, was her response. I should have asked what ever gave her the silly notion that I might even be willing to share my... my... my precious (sauce)? Yep, I was still too asleep to jazz the ol' hen. Heh She is doing well and getting things prepped for a family shindig there, life is good, she seems well and happy, and she was pleased with the news. She freely admitted she had had a ball here. A lot of work, to be sure, but we got a lot done, had fun doing it (really), and enjoyed the company on top of it. All good. She had to go, so I sent her my love and that was that.
Right as I hung up... the doorbell. Hrm? Oh, dinner! So, right on time, as I had planned it, I answered the door. A gent I don't know that I had met before hands me home-made chili and cinnamon rolls. I am almost certain it was good. I did my prayer first, at least. After that there was a blur of spoon and cup and hand like I had been caged for a week only to be let loose on a poor unsuspecting meal. Wolfman indeed. HoWWWWWLLllllll! *gulp* Yesterday's meal was good, too. It was something I had never had, sort of like a... cream of wheat biscuit, but still soft. Formed like a smaller bread (think of the size of zucchini bread). That with maple syrup. That was the last meal I remember. It was delicious, along with sausage and hashed browns. But tonight... I ate like a critter, albeit one which can use a spoon.
I goofed a bit, and have been enjoying the new headphones greatly. I'll probably need to get the headphone it's own recharging cord. Hmm, wait, I think I have at least one extra, now. I will be doing some more goofing, if in truth I am still not awake. I won't wake up before I eventually go back to bed tonight. Hopefully, tonight, I can hit it earlier. While I am doing days, my "mornings" are trending to early afternoon wakings. It doesn't matter, I suppose, in the end. It's... just the principle. While I can't control my exhaustion or my life even as fully as a normal man, I try my damnedest to hold the line where and when I can. *puts head down, aims horns, charges teh red flag* Yeah, well, I can at least put on a show before I am 'ground into hamburger', again. :p
I am amazed at some of the timing of things tonight. I love it when things just roll through to completion, without overlap, on time, and sometimes simultaneously. I don't think anyone had a clue that I was a stumbling bunny master at most points. Anyway, time to... get back to goofing.
Later or good night.
.
Okay, the "Ah-ha" is about a couple of comments from my main contributor. I knew I had seen them, on my smart phone, but when I went to respond to them on the computer... nowhere to be found. Further, for some reason, they disappeared off my cellphone. Actually I had only seen one, but when I signed in this time something indicated that there were two comments awaiting posting. Don't worry, D.C., part of my crazy like a fox thing that has worked wonders about keeping spammers at bay, not some new trick. I just... rarely get comments that way.
Nap? What nap? Oh, that nap. Actually it was just a couple of hours down. I set the alarm, as I knew if I didn't I would absolutely destroy my schedule. Gotta admit, I've been on a regular(ish) schedule since before my mother arrived, and right through her stay and to now. That... come to think of it... that HAS to be a RECORD! Now way, that was over a month of days, and not in the summer heat (though even summer isn't always a guarantee, as I have escaped into the cool of the night). Wow, at least a month and a half, give or take? Seriously, this pleases me! Oh how far from the graces of being a true... what humans might call... immortal, lord, master of self and universe... No, never a godling, just... Never mind, I will take my little booby prize and pop the top on enough beers for what goes for a party around here (two, four if I get feisty!). Shut it, as I said, I have fallen. heh
My alarm was sounding as I heard the phone. Half in some dream or other, I tried to figure out how many damned things could buzz at me at once, which one to get first, and where the hell my feet were and if my legs were still attached to them. I stumble bunnied to my cell first, knocking my glasses... somewhere. While trying to answer the phone, then I began a hand scramble over likely areas searching for my glasses, not even sure if I was actually awake. Beginning to hear a voice that sounded familiar, I quit the glasses and went for the alarm so what was being said might make some sort of sense, I finally got some breathing room from the buzzes. But then I had to figure out how to keep the phone to my face, not even quite sure how I had "answered" the phone in the first place and musing over that, while going back to look for my glasses but! I had to PEE! OMG did I have to pee. So, without my glasses, but with the buzzing ceased, if a voice was still yacking at my, I paid some lip service and stumbled to the bathroom, hoping I didn't run over any cats, furniture, or such. AHHHHHHH! Some things are better than others, some things are supreme. This was, my friends, supreme. Now... what? Who? Oh, "Hi mom!". Heh Not my usual, but it was a long day, it's been a rough few days, and a collusion of incidents lead to the absolute clumsiest moment I have enjoyed in... decades. Another RECORD!
She was curious about the doctor had to say. I... thought about teasing about imminent death, but mom... doesn't share my darker humors. So... not wanting more buzzing in my ears and possibly hurt feelings, I spilled the beans. The doc thinks I will not only live but maybe that I have improved enough to not be seen at his clinic (if I think that not volunteering myself for heart transplant is part of it). I let her know that my bp has been coming down nicely, that I have been taking my medicines well, and that I baked cookies and then cleaned to kitchen to within... well... at least my tolerances but that she would be pleased. Oh, and I told her about my poison habanero sauce notions. "No thank you, at all!", more or less, was her response. I should have asked what ever gave her the silly notion that I might even be willing to share my... my... my precious (sauce)? Yep, I was still too asleep to jazz the ol' hen. Heh She is doing well and getting things prepped for a family shindig there, life is good, she seems well and happy, and she was pleased with the news. She freely admitted she had had a ball here. A lot of work, to be sure, but we got a lot done, had fun doing it (really), and enjoyed the company on top of it. All good. She had to go, so I sent her my love and that was that.
Right as I hung up... the doorbell. Hrm? Oh, dinner! So, right on time, as I had planned it, I answered the door. A gent I don't know that I had met before hands me home-made chili and cinnamon rolls. I am almost certain it was good. I did my prayer first, at least. After that there was a blur of spoon and cup and hand like I had been caged for a week only to be let loose on a poor unsuspecting meal. Wolfman indeed. HoWWWWWLLllllll! *gulp* Yesterday's meal was good, too. It was something I had never had, sort of like a... cream of wheat biscuit, but still soft. Formed like a smaller bread (think of the size of zucchini bread). That with maple syrup. That was the last meal I remember. It was delicious, along with sausage and hashed browns. But tonight... I ate like a critter, albeit one which can use a spoon.
I goofed a bit, and have been enjoying the new headphones greatly. I'll probably need to get the headphone it's own recharging cord. Hmm, wait, I think I have at least one extra, now. I will be doing some more goofing, if in truth I am still not awake. I won't wake up before I eventually go back to bed tonight. Hopefully, tonight, I can hit it earlier. While I am doing days, my "mornings" are trending to early afternoon wakings. It doesn't matter, I suppose, in the end. It's... just the principle. While I can't control my exhaustion or my life even as fully as a normal man, I try my damnedest to hold the line where and when I can. *puts head down, aims horns, charges teh red flag* Yeah, well, I can at least put on a show before I am 'ground into hamburger', again. :p
I am amazed at some of the timing of things tonight. I love it when things just roll through to completion, without overlap, on time, and sometimes simultaneously. I don't think anyone had a clue that I was a stumbling bunny master at most points. Anyway, time to... get back to goofing.
Later or good night.
Ouch, but not so much.
.
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I did make it up. I didn't go down until a bit past 2:30. I still had the alarm set for 4:30 from when nearly getting to bed by 22:00, as a... minder, pre-wake-up alarm thing. I thought about resetting it but figured it would do just as well in this situation. I didn't want to sleep too deeply. After it went off I changed it to 5:30. At 5:30 I rest it for 6:30, then tried to crawl back into the blankets. No, I did crawl back in. I figured since I was going to hit the hard-core traffic, and the appointments were walk-in sign-up sheet, that I could... spare a bit more time in bed. After just a bit of being back in bed though, I decided just to go. I worried that I might fall into a cycle where I simply never got back out of bed. It's an easy trap for me, sometimes though I can't do much about it. This time I won.
The drive was good, minus traffic after I reached the interstate. Bumper to bumper driving with people hustling and shoving for an extra inch is no fun. Oh, I fall into that trap, myself, too... if I don't pay attention. It rained the whole way, but nothing too serious. No ice was present either. Just... dreary rain. The mountains are gorgeous in any weather though, much like some beautiful women, who (to my mind) are best suited to be dressed in finery or at least something. A completely naked woman, to me... loses too much, unless she is mine. Then she is never naked regardless of clothing. She has my... respect to wear? The mountains, on the other hand, are fine in the buff, rain or shine.
I spoke with the P.A., then the intern, then the doc. The doc took me on a moderate walk, after I had asked the intern about exercise. The doc wants me to get another angiography, take a bit more carvedal(coreg), but believes I am probably not to be seen in his clinic anymore, depending on the angiography and from the minor jog. Really? I won't hold my breath until I see the results from the angiography. I don't believe I am doing any better now than... ever, really. I mean, other than when I had edema, my function is no better or worse than before. He seemed to think my heart illness was due to high blood pressure, but that doesn't explain the exhaustion or the leg discoloration when I was much younger, which I am told was caused by the heart problems (which obviously happened long before I had high blood pressure). I am thinking, since I won't volunteer myself again (this time for a heart transplant) they have no use for me. If that is the price, I think I will do better without their "care". Blood pressure is still fairly low, as is pulse, comparatively. Weight keeps up though. I just don't get that, at all. Oh, he said swimming would be fine, same with calesthenics, but straight weight use should be delayed until bp is better managed. No problem, that was how my ideas were going anyway. Yeah, a cynic to the bone, but how can I not be. Some of them, at the various clinics, think I am funny as crap. Others think the same, minus the funny. I can see it in their eyes. Heh. I enjoy the... interactions... all the same.
Man, I want a nap so bad. I did stop and buy most of what I need for the habanero sauce but I had no juice left to stop at the hardware store. I'll have to do that tomorrow, or Friday, when I go in to see my friend. I did buy a headset, the place was near where I stopped for lunch. I had meant to buy a $15-$35 set, but... I found one, wireless, self-contained wireless (not bluetooth which I don't like/trust). It was nearly three times my high bid, but works for both the PS3 and my computer. Yeah. My current headset is cobbled together with duct tape and a unique rewrapping of the earphone wires so that... they sort of work. Beautiful sounds out of them, oddly. But... shot beyond any consideration for more use. I'll give these a try, they are charging now. Bleh... I hate spending money, if I sometimes end up really liking the toys and foods I end up with.
Yeah, a nap. Good day.
.
I did make it up. I didn't go down until a bit past 2:30. I still had the alarm set for 4:30 from when nearly getting to bed by 22:00, as a... minder, pre-wake-up alarm thing. I thought about resetting it but figured it would do just as well in this situation. I didn't want to sleep too deeply. After it went off I changed it to 5:30. At 5:30 I rest it for 6:30, then tried to crawl back into the blankets. No, I did crawl back in. I figured since I was going to hit the hard-core traffic, and the appointments were walk-in sign-up sheet, that I could... spare a bit more time in bed. After just a bit of being back in bed though, I decided just to go. I worried that I might fall into a cycle where I simply never got back out of bed. It's an easy trap for me, sometimes though I can't do much about it. This time I won.
The drive was good, minus traffic after I reached the interstate. Bumper to bumper driving with people hustling and shoving for an extra inch is no fun. Oh, I fall into that trap, myself, too... if I don't pay attention. It rained the whole way, but nothing too serious. No ice was present either. Just... dreary rain. The mountains are gorgeous in any weather though, much like some beautiful women, who (to my mind) are best suited to be dressed in finery or at least something. A completely naked woman, to me... loses too much, unless she is mine. Then she is never naked regardless of clothing. She has my... respect to wear? The mountains, on the other hand, are fine in the buff, rain or shine.
I spoke with the P.A., then the intern, then the doc. The doc took me on a moderate walk, after I had asked the intern about exercise. The doc wants me to get another angiography, take a bit more carvedal(coreg), but believes I am probably not to be seen in his clinic anymore, depending on the angiography and from the minor jog. Really? I won't hold my breath until I see the results from the angiography. I don't believe I am doing any better now than... ever, really. I mean, other than when I had edema, my function is no better or worse than before. He seemed to think my heart illness was due to high blood pressure, but that doesn't explain the exhaustion or the leg discoloration when I was much younger, which I am told was caused by the heart problems (which obviously happened long before I had high blood pressure). I am thinking, since I won't volunteer myself again (this time for a heart transplant) they have no use for me. If that is the price, I think I will do better without their "care". Blood pressure is still fairly low, as is pulse, comparatively. Weight keeps up though. I just don't get that, at all. Oh, he said swimming would be fine, same with calesthenics, but straight weight use should be delayed until bp is better managed. No problem, that was how my ideas were going anyway. Yeah, a cynic to the bone, but how can I not be. Some of them, at the various clinics, think I am funny as crap. Others think the same, minus the funny. I can see it in their eyes. Heh. I enjoy the... interactions... all the same.
Man, I want a nap so bad. I did stop and buy most of what I need for the habanero sauce but I had no juice left to stop at the hardware store. I'll have to do that tomorrow, or Friday, when I go in to see my friend. I did buy a headset, the place was near where I stopped for lunch. I had meant to buy a $15-$35 set, but... I found one, wireless, self-contained wireless (not bluetooth which I don't like/trust). It was nearly three times my high bid, but works for both the PS3 and my computer. Yeah. My current headset is cobbled together with duct tape and a unique rewrapping of the earphone wires so that... they sort of work. Beautiful sounds out of them, oddly. But... shot beyond any consideration for more use. I'll give these a try, they are charging now. Bleh... I hate spending money, if I sometimes end up really liking the toys and foods I end up with.
Yeah, a nap. Good day.
Almost made it to sleep.
.
.
I turned to furnace to 68 a few hours before trying to go to bed. I then tinkered until about 22:00. I then set out clothes, set the alarm, laid out my wallet, and other such, and crawled under the blankets. *blink* *roll* *blink... blink* No dice, sleep was not even around the corner. So... more gaming. I decided to wash some items I wanted to wear. Laundry, it seems, is in need of doing on a larger scale. But for tonight, just this and that. A jacket/coat that had a bit of coffee dribbled on it (I was worried about that but the coffee came out just fine), a couple of new thermal long sleeve shirts (great for under my short sleeved polos, plus you can take them off in a bathroom if it warms too much), and a few other things to add bulk to the wash. You don't need to add more to front load washers, not this one anyway, but old habits die hard. Then again, I think it does help with the dryer, probably even on these newfangled ones (which I don't have).
Sam not so much as snuck out, as pounded the door open and ran into the basement. She will be staying there overnight, and maybe tomorrow while I am gone. I will leave some water, but no food. She will learn. I have tried everything else. She must be broken of pooping in my crawl spaces. I hope she enjoys her stay.
It's 2:00, I have to be up by 5:00, out by 6:00. I'll make it, I suspect, I just won't like it. I did wash out the thermoses. Only taking one, but it seems they both had old coffee in them. A bit of a soap water and vinegar soak seems to have... helped. Being air tight, the coffee simply smelled stale, not rotten. No goop came out when I poured the coffee out. Yeah, taking along some of my coffee will help on this particular trip. The coat is done, I am just waiting to make sure the rest of that load gets dry. I would hate to end up forgetting and finding a moldy pile of clothes. My mother had clothes in there. They seemed a bit damp, though that might just have been from the cold, since there was no unpleasant odor. But I dried the partial load with what else I had. Just in case, or... something.
Good night.
.
I turned to furnace to 68 a few hours before trying to go to bed. I then tinkered until about 22:00. I then set out clothes, set the alarm, laid out my wallet, and other such, and crawled under the blankets. *blink* *roll* *blink... blink* No dice, sleep was not even around the corner. So... more gaming. I decided to wash some items I wanted to wear. Laundry, it seems, is in need of doing on a larger scale. But for tonight, just this and that. A jacket/coat that had a bit of coffee dribbled on it (I was worried about that but the coffee came out just fine), a couple of new thermal long sleeve shirts (great for under my short sleeved polos, plus you can take them off in a bathroom if it warms too much), and a few other things to add bulk to the wash. You don't need to add more to front load washers, not this one anyway, but old habits die hard. Then again, I think it does help with the dryer, probably even on these newfangled ones (which I don't have).
Sam not so much as snuck out, as pounded the door open and ran into the basement. She will be staying there overnight, and maybe tomorrow while I am gone. I will leave some water, but no food. She will learn. I have tried everything else. She must be broken of pooping in my crawl spaces. I hope she enjoys her stay.
It's 2:00, I have to be up by 5:00, out by 6:00. I'll make it, I suspect, I just won't like it. I did wash out the thermoses. Only taking one, but it seems they both had old coffee in them. A bit of a soap water and vinegar soak seems to have... helped. Being air tight, the coffee simply smelled stale, not rotten. No goop came out when I poured the coffee out. Yeah, taking along some of my coffee will help on this particular trip. The coat is done, I am just waiting to make sure the rest of that load gets dry. I would hate to end up forgetting and finding a moldy pile of clothes. My mother had clothes in there. They seemed a bit damp, though that might just have been from the cold, since there was no unpleasant odor. But I dried the partial load with what else I had. Just in case, or... something.
Good night.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Cookies!
.
.
Not only did I finish up the dishes and cleaning the counters (floor could take sweeping and vacuuming), but I got to the cookies (which is why I didn't get to the floor, seeing the potential for a doom floor scenario with flour, sugar, eggs, or whatnot as a potential). Okay, so, I did bake them. And, they aren't bad. They taste good enough. The thing is, they didn't settle down like other people get them to do, as if they had melted flat into the cookie sheet. The first two batches into the oven, the cookies were... big. I thought I was doing petite, but not so much. Darn my ogre sized hands and perceptions. I don't think you are supposed to have to flip chocolate chip cookies? Never mind. I flipped some and didn't flip some, to see (they are better unflipped, by the the way). The next batch I set on the cookies sheets, I was very careful with size. Still they just would not... do their thing. I didn't see the need to flip these, even though that wasn't the better of plans anyway. But they just didn't spread out and thin down. Are you supposed to form them, not put them down as a rounded ball? Flatten or squish them down? Much to learn, this young kitchen jedi. Oh, but I cleaned up behind myself. The only things remaining to be washed are the cookie sheets and the cookie cooling racks. How is that for a show?
*munch* Thmmm arm prtty goom. *munch*
Update: Too much flour, I am told. My recipe called for three cups. When dinner arrived I sent two dozen and change cookies with the young ladies. I asked if the elder of the youngens knew what I might be doing wrong. Chocolate chips cookies are not yet in her mastery, so she said, therefore she declined a response. The younger of the two just said "Cookies!", so... I didn't press her. However, they must have told their mom about my dilemma. I received a call right after. Too much flour, most likely, she suggested. So I told her what my recipe suggested and asked how much she uses. Two cups. Well, yeah, that would mean way too much flour in my recipe. Next week I will try it with two cups. Fewer cookies, but I think they will taste, and act, a bit more like what I think chocolate chip cookie dough and cookies should. Just... so you know. Listen to mother, even if she isn't your own? Well, I'll... do the same as I do with mine, give her a wide range on the shadow of doubt. Two cups it is.
A bit more goofing, but I am going to try to lay the rig on her side down the slope a bit early tonight. I can't crash, haven't done enough. I was still too sick for jumping jacks and a cat-chase marathon. And I don't want to try to ride this thing down to the nubs. I think I have it in me to go without sleep, that can just mess me up though. Besides, it hurts throughout. Nope, a gentle controlled created crash...
While out tomorrow, I need to remember 1/2" drywall and 2" and 3" anchors, depending on what looks right. I will definitely get several lengths and types of anchors, they are always good to have on hand anyway. I am not sure if I should use drywall screws to anchor the drywall squares to the wooden beam, or wood screws, though. I'll try the drywall screws first, changing over if need be. Gosh, but nothing is certain, ever, it seems. When do I get to grow up and know everything?
Good night.
.
Not only did I finish up the dishes and cleaning the counters (floor could take sweeping and vacuuming), but I got to the cookies (which is why I didn't get to the floor, seeing the potential for a doom floor scenario with flour, sugar, eggs, or whatnot as a potential). Okay, so, I did bake them. And, they aren't bad. They taste good enough. The thing is, they didn't settle down like other people get them to do, as if they had melted flat into the cookie sheet. The first two batches into the oven, the cookies were... big. I thought I was doing petite, but not so much. Darn my ogre sized hands and perceptions. I don't think you are supposed to have to flip chocolate chip cookies? Never mind. I flipped some and didn't flip some, to see (they are better unflipped, by the the way). The next batch I set on the cookies sheets, I was very careful with size. Still they just would not... do their thing. I didn't see the need to flip these, even though that wasn't the better of plans anyway. But they just didn't spread out and thin down. Are you supposed to form them, not put them down as a rounded ball? Flatten or squish them down? Much to learn, this young kitchen jedi. Oh, but I cleaned up behind myself. The only things remaining to be washed are the cookie sheets and the cookie cooling racks. How is that for a show?
*munch* Thmmm arm prtty goom. *munch*
Update: Too much flour, I am told. My recipe called for three cups. When dinner arrived I sent two dozen and change cookies with the young ladies. I asked if the elder of the youngens knew what I might be doing wrong. Chocolate chips cookies are not yet in her mastery, so she said, therefore she declined a response. The younger of the two just said "Cookies!", so... I didn't press her. However, they must have told their mom about my dilemma. I received a call right after. Too much flour, most likely, she suggested. So I told her what my recipe suggested and asked how much she uses. Two cups. Well, yeah, that would mean way too much flour in my recipe. Next week I will try it with two cups. Fewer cookies, but I think they will taste, and act, a bit more like what I think chocolate chip cookie dough and cookies should. Just... so you know. Listen to mother, even if she isn't your own? Well, I'll... do the same as I do with mine, give her a wide range on the shadow of doubt. Two cups it is.
A bit more goofing, but I am going to try to lay the rig on her side down the slope a bit early tonight. I can't crash, haven't done enough. I was still too sick for jumping jacks and a cat-chase marathon. And I don't want to try to ride this thing down to the nubs. I think I have it in me to go without sleep, that can just mess me up though. Besides, it hurts throughout. Nope, a gentle controlled created crash...
While out tomorrow, I need to remember 1/2" drywall and 2" and 3" anchors, depending on what looks right. I will definitely get several lengths and types of anchors, they are always good to have on hand anyway. I am not sure if I should use drywall screws to anchor the drywall squares to the wooden beam, or wood screws, though. I'll try the drywall screws first, changing over if need be. Gosh, but nothing is certain, ever, it seems. When do I get to grow up and know everything?
Good night.
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