Hmm, that might be part of it.

.
.

During the haiku contest, I was reminded of high diving escapades.  I know before I scampered up that ladder, and over that edge, I spoke with people who did it regularly.  I was in a swim club and we had high-divers.  They were all older, highschool aged.  They didn't like dealing with "kids" much.  I think I was in 4th grade (but much larger than most).  But if you could approach them on a topic that made them feel superior, they would often spill the beans.  I wanted to know about high diving.  I learned that complimenting them on a particularly good dive, with possible commentary on why the dive was good so as not to seem like a mere fanboy, netted me easier access to their knowledge.  Why go through all that trouble to get information?  Simple.  My curiosity and my fear were in a tussle.

My curiosity was trying to use logic, or some form of it, or simple knowledge, to overcome my fear.  No, I didn't understand it back then.  Even now, sometimes, I don't see what technique is being used in the moment, if there are reasons for even that, which I do understand.  Essentially, when attacking a problem, a dozen methods are employed at a time, perhaps, like keys being tried on an unfamiliar lock.  Which one works, or at least gets the tumblers to tumble a bit... then go with that one, or a group of them, refining on the way, in order to gain access.  Can't know which one will work, so don't know which one is being used rightly until the lock starts to give.

Fear?  Yes.  Many of the things I have done in life, and still do, test the edges of my world.  My native instinct is fear.  Snow shoeing, with a bad heart, in the mountains, in freezing cold?  Well...  It is going to happen.  This year?  Probably, but maybe not.  Medicines are kicking my butt.  But I do have the tools, access to the mountains, and the will.  When the body wakes up, it will find it's way out there.  Could be fatal but it will be fun right up to death.  It's how I roll.  I almost don't have a choice.  And yet, I will have to overcome that native fear, as well.  Urhm, actually, I've already started.... by communicating with someone else who does that, and has been to at least one edge herself. 

The thing is, with diving, with white-water rafting, with climbing, with camping, with high diving... there are... drawbacks.  There is discomfort.  There are moments of sheer terror.  And so it is with much of life.  What I have noted, after thinking about the comments in the haiku thread, and thinking further, is that people don't want to talk about the bad.  Oh, they will give warnings, regarding technique, particular dangers, and some other things.  Often they do this very generally, not in a personal way.  Diving always hurt the top of my head, a little to a lot depending on how high and how often I did it.  And I did learn.  But even then, in the group who did the activity, none ever spoke about the fact that it will always hurt.

My problem, in civil society, is that I do talk about it.  Some do not wish me to tell secrets of the trade.  Some think that makes me weak, or a fool to pursue what can, and does, hurt, even if in pursuit of higher goals and mastery.  For my part, I just don't like leading people astray.  It isn't a brag, nor self-deprecation, to my mind, on my part, to tell the truth.  I merely suggest how I see things, and what my personal experience is or was, and I say it like I see it.  Much as with the risks involved with having a child.  That is as close as a woman gets to death from a natural course of her life.  I won't lie.  I won't say don't worry.  I also won't suggest against it.

I get hit on all sides.  I don't care.  I won't lie, I won't devalue the sacrifices and potential risks, I won't lead anyone astray.  They should know the risks and take them or not.  The rewards, for what has been successful, and some of what wasn't, have been worth the effort.  On the notion of birth?  My mind says no.  But I am no longer just my mind.  With faith?  Bowing to, if not understanding or liking, God's will?  Yes.  But I do have fear.  And I give that to God.  Should the opportunity present itself, I will forge ahead, with snow shoes, on a high dive (or a ridge on a lake), or with marriage and children.  But I won't do it ignorantly.  Ignorance is bliss until it is crippling horror.  Horror is either your friend, known, kept close, or it will rip the soul right out of you and spiral you straight to hell.  Know it, don't have to love it.  Don't let it sneak up on you.

I do understand why some things aren't appreciated.  I simply suggest if things hurt too much, don't play with them.  If you do play with them, understand they are going to hurt.  Then again, if I can be a party to someone's growth, and dealing with pain, I will do that.  Go ahead, yell, scream, rage.  Feel it in your bones, get it out.  I can handle it if I can see why.  I don't even need the particulars, unless you see fit to share.  I won't judge, or even mind, unless you are attacking me.  But I will write what I do.  Bugs ya?  Imagine living it.  No sympathy for the ignorant, but their is empathy for those who have lost some part of the game of life.

A little rough, again.

.
.
The increased dose is getting to me finally.  It slowly crept up on me.  The feeling must be like a wildebeest going down under the weight of lions.  I felt the swats of the lions, and an occasional weight from one in this last week.  Now I feel the weight of several and weakness from 'blood loss'.  On the good side, with my new found partner being called in, I don't think I will go all the way down or out as I used to do.  And I think I am nearing the nadir.  At least if my strength holds. 

My function and interactability, as far as the world goes, is pretty much nil.  There is blogging, food when I can find it or when it is brought, assuming I can eat, and accidental stuff that can just happen.  I will try to push through, as well, but that doesn't always work as well as I would want it.  I still think, sometimes, that it is just laziness.  But then I realize, when you feel like you are under several atmospheres, with less than optimal oxygen, and you can't feel much to include hunger, then things aren't normal.  My reactions and actions can't be relied upon.  I have the thermostat set at 80 and can be cold sometimes.  Sleep is more like nothing than restful.  Yeah, not really lazy, I guess.  Though that can play a part, even so!  And I watch for it, fight that all on it's own, if I can.

Even so, this weekend, after this medset is empty, I plan on refilling with the final higher dose.  I think I am close enough, and relatively well enough, to push on through.  The higher dose will keep me down, or tamp me back down if I rise by then, but... I will be over this crush sooner.  I just want to get through this long hard dark tunnel.  Since September, mind you.  My bad, my mistake, a heavy price.  I won't do that again. 

I did, willfully, stall about going back on medicines, as well.  I had reasons, of course, none of which panned out in any case.  So...  But some of my stalling was simple fear as the possible problems with going back on them.  Some of it was a willfulness.  An anger at the costs of taking medicine.  It wasn't just one thing.  I got my cake though, several months without medicine.  It just wasn't any better than not having cake!  There was no dessert to be enjoyed!  Oh well, live and learn.

I am still hoping to get dishes and some laundry started.  Not... right this minute.  I'm a bit rough and tumbled as I wake this morning.  Hmm, feed the girls right away though.  Well, after this post, and in a bit.  An hour or two.  Yeah.  Ugh.  Later.

Does anyone else almost wish they could cheat?

.
.
It was rampant in college.  From homework to quizzes and tests.  I saw it everywhere.  And because of my native abilities, I was... offered a spot.  No thanks.  With women, the opening was there.  In my early days, women simply turned a blind eye.  Some even offered a wink and a nod.  But it just doesn't work well.  Not as laws and morals stand.  Messy.  In Jewish times, I would have had several wives.  It's just the way things are.  But it doesn't work in these times, with my faith, as I know things.  Even judging haiku.

Not cheating makes things much more difficult.  It means you have to choose, then you have to deal with the consequence of your choices.  Instead of an A or A+, I might have to deal with a B+, maybe even a C+.  But I know I did the work, earned the grade, hit the books.  I know what I got I earned.  And, with haiku even...  I know I thought things through.  I even agonize over the choice.  I could just do a random, or go with him or her for reasons other than what I know to be right in my mind.  It doesn't even mean my judging would stand up in a court of law, but I am not in a court of law.  Oh, no worries, I love foam.  That's not what I mean.  It's just... didn't she just win recently?  I was thinking so.  But I couldn't let that sway my decision.  Only if someone is ill, or requests not to be judged.  I have to go by the work and my senses of things.

I am sure, for a while, at times, cheating is easier.  And, I know, in academia, that I am cheated against by the system itself.  As a conservative, and powerful one (in their blind eyes albeit), I am treated as an enemy.  I have had my grades sabotaged.  I have had instructors and professors incorrectly lower my grades, or grade more harshly.  That is on them.  It doesn't matter what the whole rest of the world does.  Noah was a prime example of not just giving in.  And, yes, God knows if not another soul does.

Fact is, I live not just as if God knows.  I actively include Him in my decisions as well as I am able.  No, He has never helped me on a test.  But He has been there, and He has been asked for calm nerves while I have answered some of the most arcane mathematical questions you might believe could be asked.  A deep theory question on a calculus II test?  My tutor was a bit surprised himself.  That was graduate level theory.  He was pleased with how well I answered it, and a bit surprised I got that far into it, after the fact.  I just barely made it through two thirds of that particular problem... correctly anyway.  Did good after the mistake.  Then again he took an hour on it himself.  Gah!  Anyway...  I leave room for God, right in there, right in life.  I'll bet even my math classes bore Him, if that is possible, though.  :p  He knows some serious math-fu!

Just... thinking, grumbling, and rumbling as I slow the boat down to prepare for bed.  I wasn't able to do much today.  I just didn't have anything going.  Tomorrow I hope to get the last of the dishes set to a soak, do a load or two of dishes, and hit the kitchen like a hurricane.  I might really be able to do it.  Every other day, unless I have someone helping, or even directing.  At least I know my limits, if sometimes I can push them.

Good night.

What the???

.
.
I saw a woman recently.  One I sort of know.  Usually a happy hello and goodby.  But the look on her face this last time?  I don't know if she reads here or not.  If so, I have to wonder... did she read something and not understand or did she understand perfectly?  Not that it matters, one way or the other.  Still...  I enjoyed.  Oh yes, I did.  Why did I enjoy?  I don't know.  I suppose the same reason that jumping from perfectly good airplanes sounds good, hiking in the winter seems reasonable, and driving fast is so pleasurable.  Obviously, it's because women are crazy.

Haiku contests all must come to a close.

.
.
With an end, a beginning.  Cycles.  Music.  Poetry.  All things really.  More so this set.  A phoenix.  The contestants doing their best.  Competing, sometimes generously, sometimes not.  Difficult to know, though probably a bit of both for most.  Hungry.  Not even competitive just with each other.  Trying to express what they see in your minds the best that you can, within the limits... or even trying to find a way beyond, or over, the edge.  Serious stuff.

Haiku Monday - Edge(s)

.
.
We have all seen them, experienced the limits to the realms of the real, legal, possible.  Law, time, space, the mind, and death, among others, are said to be solid stops.  Some have traveled over those edges.  Some have come back.  I do not believe any of the edges, or limits, are what they appear.  What is sanity but a safe haven limited to only the realm of the highly probable, visible, knowable?  I would suggest faith is proof that most do not believe merely in the highly probable.  If most keep faith in a little drawer, in their minds and homes, only to be released if and when it is convenient or when there is no other seeming hope.  Too late, too late!

Tell me do, tell me true,
tell me tell me in haiku,
mirror mirror that is my brother - sister - self.

Oh, but that wasn't haiku, or even all that good.  Aye.

in the madness ~ time
past death, over dimension
through the known ~ glimpses

Some fodder for your task.  Perhaps sustenance, a rope to keep you grounded in there and perhaps as a trail back. The rules are as simple or complex as you should choose, with the limits of three lines, preferably 5-7-5 as a syllable count unless you see something that fits better but isn't within the rules.  Add a seasonal word to highlight a time, season, or notion.  Add that twist with word or punctuation mark.  Dare, if you wish.  The contest is about daring.  Daring to do, to believe, sometimes just to impossibly be.  Understand, not all dares are worth the risk.  Then again, who would have chosen life if we knew the worst of things up front, in spite of the fact that we can't, now, let go?  Pleasant thoughts and well wishes in your endeavor.

Down late up late.

.
.
No, I haven't done all THAT much.  Thing is it doesn't take much and I am still getting used to the new higher dose of medicine.  I am getting work done.  Not as fast as I had hoped and at some cost to 'balance'.  So be it.  I will keep up the effort as well as I am able.  The contest?  Right.  Actually I have the thing almost laid out.  No music, yet, but there has been effort.  I am just not finding what I... need... for it.  Like a jeweler, I try to crown my pieces with just the right gems.  It is sometimes a Herculean effort, sometimes the pieces fall from the tree like ripe fruit.

I missed getting in to town to see my friend this weekend.  I completely lost track.  As well, I missed getting us in for our haircuts!  I can't understand why my calendar didn't warn me, or if it did how I missed it.  But... one way or another, I didn't see.  Gah!  I'll have to set up another appointment and figure out how to get into town, as an aside.  I'm just not working well with the flesh, and got a little distracted with home stuff and the contest maybe.  I'm a baaaad boy.  True, that.  But I am trying.

Every morning, lately, feels like I'm waking from a hangover.  Between the higher dose, fresh insulin, and ongoing efforts, I am pushing this canoe through the water with rockets, and paying for it.  Yeah, things aren't going fast but it is a gigantic canoe I'm pushing, mind you.  And the water is more like molasses.  I ought to be a little careful.  Meh...  *lights another rocket*

Later!

Dishes, a shower, cat litter, and who knows what else.

.
.
The day isn't exactly young, but it's not dead yet either.  Not only did I wash the dishes, pots, and roaster that were in the cue, I rinsed, dried, and put them away.  Then a shower.  I decided to feed the girls, but tended their litter first.  What next? 

I am hoping to grab every dish, spoon, fork, and whatever else might yet need washing and put it all in the wash bin.  If I can keep on it, I might even finish that, or half finish it, yet tonight.  Then a load of wash in the washer.  That is as much as I suspect I will get to.  Then again, little things might be done along the way.  Why?  Because I want to?  No.  Because I can. 

The goal is to have the kitchen done in a few days, and the bathroom.  Actually, I might clean the bathroom tonight while I am at it.  It will need a touch up before Saturday.  It's nice to have the majority of it out of the way.  If all goes as planned, I should be well into my bedroom by this weekend, if not done with it as well.  I may need to sleep in the spare bedroom while I rip my bedroom apart, but that isn't too much of a problem.  It is in prime condition as I cleaned up after my mother headed home.  Dusty, probably.  But dusty isn't a problem for me.  It just clears the sinuses until I am used to it or it gets aired out.  All good.  Gee it's good to be king!

Yeah...  How about a cup of coffee.  Hey!  Wait... I'm alone.  Save for the girls.  But they are more like long-time women.  Don't listen anymore.  :)  Later.

I've seen things.

.
.
No matter what we do, think, feel...  No matter what we try, what happens, what we dream...  Reality just is.  We can choose to attempt to accept it.  We can try to ignore it.  We can try to change it.  It just is.  It works of it's own accord.  At best we can learn just enough to jump through it's hoops when those hoops exists, and when presented, for as long as we can while they exist in order to make just enough to survive and perhaps a bit more.  Do you want to see an example of the black box of reality?  Oh, no worries, it isn't too scary.  Though... the idea is.  You can hear the hum.  Or is that just for those who can hear?  Some of the music is too long, or short, to make sense of.  But I do believe it is all music, and... actually... all one song.

Hmm, well?

.
.
Yeah, sort of getting beat up by the increase in medication.  Even so, disregarding my first solo attempt at getting back on medicine, and far too fast, I am still going on it pretty quickly, comparatively.  The first time I worked up to this level of medicine it literally took a year and possibly change.  So... two to three months, so far, isn't bad.  I'm not fully titrated up, but that is in the works and will probably work.  I am actually calling it done.  A little slower, a lot less pain and trouble, I'll say that.  I can concentrate and function no better than last time.  But Durden is helping, as I haven't gone completely underground.  I have merely retreated to within my mind, but awake.  Hard stuff.  It makes Everclear seem mild and I would know, if more from the distant past.

I did get dishes going, started on the cat litter boxes, and cleaned the coffee pot.  While not much, it was a start.  Not as much as I had hoped, more than I had honestly expected.  I am my own handler now.  I lay out more than is possible for myself, doubting the bastard will get to any of it.  :p  Today is a new day, new plans, added goals.  Finishing the cat litter, finishing the dishes I put in, a shower, then the rest of the dishes and some laundry.  We will see what we see.  If I can get to those things, tomorrow will see a complete tear-down and reset of the kitchen.  As soon as that is done, then some bedroom work.  Yeah, yeah.  And if I get all that?  Then I need to set up my shop in the garage, including finding a heater for out there, so that I can get to work on the plumbing.  Bleh.  But... there it is.  Now, if I can just stay awake in the middle of winter and deal with the side-effects of medicines.

Hey, I'm trying.  I am honestly doing better than could probably be expected as is.  Anything over that is gold.  Fools gold, maybe.  But it's what I've got.  Later.

Better.

.
.
Can't say why.  Just that whatever was troubling has lifted just a bit.  I am going to try to get some work done.  The kitchen, bathroom, and dishes first.  Perhaps some laundry.  I haven't completely crashed the kitchen, if it isn't exactly in great shape.  My goal is to get these things in really good shape as quickly as possible, then hit them again, and then move on to some other areas.  The reward?  A home cooked meal if I make some solid headway.  Nothing fancy for the meal, just something I really like.  I'll put some items together as I begin the process.

A shower wouldn't be a bad start though.  Kicking off the start of the week clean.  Hmm, and maybe a pot of coffee.  I used the very last of the very old and not favored coffee.  I just hate to waste anything.  Today I can make a fresh pot of my preferred brand, grinding fresh from very fresh beans.  Oh, and the cat litter boxes will get squared away.  I've been doing okay with those.  I just need to check to see if a complete change is in order.  I fed the girls a bit extra, over Christmas.  Which is fine... sharing the feast and all.  But now I have some girls who think feast days are every day!  Nope.  They are so good at begging though, and have learned how to tag-team beg.  Nope!  I can only imagine how good kids are at it.  Wait, no... I can remember.  My brother and myself were... pretty good at it too.  No!  Okay, but can we?  No!  Can I?  No!  What about me?  No!  Are you sure...  *sigh*  No.  Poor woman, had little chance, sometimes.

Well I best get to it.  I can't think all that well quite yet, but I am thinking in a simple fashion.  That might be enough.  Later.

Ah, well, there was that, and that, and this, and...

.
.
After my last visit, medicines were raised.  Essentially this is the final step, if it is being taken as a two step.  Where, pray tell, is the music?  Ah, there we go.  Yes, indeed, dancing in the dark.

Heat was one thing.  When I raise medicines my need for warmth is increased, in the winter anyway.  I can handle the cold well, still.  It's an odd thing.  I can answer the door barefooted but can't handle the thermostat at lower temps as a regular thing.  So I cranked the heat.  Why I need it I can't say.  I just, often, do.  Then again, I am often more susceptible to heat as well.  Basically, I become more fragile.  These are potent little pills, at least for me.  I seem to be unusual in this.  The docs don't understand it.  On the good side, I think they are starting to believe me as I am coming to believe them, if both of us are still just a bit suspicious.  We come from different places and experiences.  It is simply difficult to believe what is contrary to what you have known.

Food production fell off as well.  I have been doing okay, the last few days, at forcing some food down my gullet.  Food just doesn't taste good.  There is hunger, from time to time, but in a very dissociated sense.  The pains of hunger are no more real than the pains from a love long lost.  It is just another ghost of the mind more than a distraction of flesh.  Actually, all things are of the mind, and almost as if not of my mind.  Pains are all forms of memories, which is why it took so long to realize I needed more heat.  I am getting better at realizing what is what and translocating a psychic seeming pain to fleshly care.  It's still a bit of a trick, but.  Oh, and I realized I had used the insulin well beyond the recommended time.  It might have become too weak, so I opened another bottle.  That might explain why my numbers were so off.

I am doing what I can do, as I can do it.  I figure though, in a month, I may be back on my feet, mostly.  At this pace.  Physical seeming pains, I think, are starting as of today.  Difficult to keep it all together.  There is not much to be done for these pains.  It has something to do with lowering blood pressure, I think.  And, right now anyway, they are distant echoes of the mind as I suggested.  But being back on track a bit I am realizing what they are.  Hopefully this, like the last time but unlike the time before, will be shorter lived and less severe since I am increasing medicines more slowly. 

That is... what is happening.  Now that I am aware, a bit, and pushing to care for the little things, I am a bit more hopeful to put things right.  Heck, I haven't even played games for a month or more.  I just couldn't focus.  The "reals" of life just haven't made sense.  Simple tactile senses are muted, as are wants and interests and tastes, of all sorts.  Wants, needs, and such...  Well, I have regained some focus, so.  How can you forget to play game?  *grin*  Must not be too addicted.

Have a great day!  Oh, it is a great day here.  Even with all the foibles, that I am back on some sort of track is a very good thing.  Later.

Something is off.

.
.
I can't tell you what is wrong, only that something is just off.  It's big, whatever it is.  No pain, sleep is okay but weird in that when I sleep can shift by half a day, in either direction, without notice or needlework.  At least it doesn't mess me up, or on top of the feeling that something big is messed up.  Hmm, I might have figured it out.  Will know soon.  Yeah, I'm on it, as usual.

Yesterday I woke, appropriately... I think... given bedtime.  This morning I was up at three moon beams and two clouds past 6:00.  Again, an appropriate waking time given my bedtime, if for a somewhat shorter sleep cycle.  Waking has been simple, but muted by that big weirdness that is infecting my life.  The sensation is akin to pain responses, but covering my whole body.  And so flooded with the natural pain killers that little else can be felt.  And yet I am almost absolutely certain there isn't even a hidden pain, or many pains, below my conscious awareness as can sometimes be the case.  Usually I have some idea that there is a hidden pain, unless other issues are further suppressing my ability to simply be conscious.  That isn't the case.

Odd as it might seem, this is one of the key features of my ability to survive.  Pain, felt raw and open, can kill all by itself.  It can also make you want to consciously die.  And should you be able to survive the pain itself, and overcome the call to death from it, your ability to function so as to actually live, extricate yourself from the situation, survive, is greatly degraded by pain.  This ability, alone, has saved my butt more times than I can count.  Just that.

Some people are social.  They work in groups.  They work together.  Honestly, that is the way of mankind.  It works out best.  Small self-selecting motivated groups are the best, whether as social units, military units, or what have you.  In some cases women fit in, in some cases they don't.  Women aren't warriors, but if properly motivated, they can help with defense.  My guess is, though, given the vagaries and hardness of life, women have been more dangerous to a military unit than helpful, or they would already have been a part of the military without the use of force to try to make it so.  Dogs?  Okay.  Women?  No.  Even cavemen knew this.  Not the point, mind you, just... delineating some things.

I, however, am not people.  Whether genetic or simply fated, where I walk others shouldn't.  Not when I am there, not with me, maybe not ever.  It isn't, as I once thought, because I am better, or even worse as was also posited.  It is merely fated, I think, now.  It isn't my strength, resilience, smarts, or anything of the sort.  It isn't even guaranteed the next time I go out that I will return, save that until I am released, I will continue to... walk a line others can't.  Some people prep.  Heck, I prep.  I like to be prepared.  But I know that where I go, and how things turn out, there is no way to prep.  I am seemingly dropped naked and half asleep into the middle of hell with the suggestion that I ought to get out.  Hrmm, asks I.  Yeah, just get out, I am told.  How?  I... I don't know THAT... comes the reply.  Then a cheery, Good luck, see you at the gates!  Really.  Is my life training?  I shudder to think what such training would logically lead toward.

Some people think I am grumpy.

.
.
I'm not, really.  Sure, I come down hard on things.  Yeah, I don't much care for fashion, modern femininity or modernism pretty much, or lots of other things.  While I bark, I truly don't bite.  I warn so that one doesn't get bitten, actually.  There is a difference.  Oh yes there is.

Just can't get going.

.
.
I haven't gotten to the snow, I haven't called my friend.  I haven't done much.  No focus.  News, blogs, drifting.  That may be it for today.

While drifting, I did notice a story that supports what I had already concluded, and long ago.  Back when I owned my first Xterra.  Now?  While the story is about Ford, I promise you that if one auto manufacturer is doing it, they all are.  Here is the story.  Basically, if you have a vehicle that is, what, less than 10 years old?  At the very least the company who manufactured that vehicle knows where it is at all times.  How much of this information is passed to the government, pick an agency?  How much of the data is hacked out, how many nosy people, criminals, or even family and friends, can use the device just as easily as the manufacturers?

Options?  Jamming.  It might or might not be legal where you are.  You will need to not just jam gps, but also discrete transmissions, most likely.  I doubt if the device in your vehicle is full on.  Most likely small packets are sent at specific times.  And, yes, the government had to know.  They sell bandwidths and such, govern them.  Companies wouldn't just do that without at the very least asking/telling.  As to finding and eliminating the devices?  It might be possible.  It wouldn't surprise me if they have backups though.  Further, every time you go into the shop, they might simply reinstall, or add a different device.  Further, it might be so integrated that it can't be isolated, or without causing damage.  I'm going to be doing some digging.

If I have to fly blind, I like them to fly blind.  I don't think they like those odds, but...  I do.  If you don't mind, go ahead.  Hmm... I wonder what sort of a system would kill my phone's ability to communicate my location, or do it accurately, including tower mislocations?  I do have some homework to do.  Oh?  And don't think phones and cars are the only offenders.  Anything you have that is electronic, some things that aren't, are spotting you for them.  Figure it out folks.

What to do.

.
.
I had an appointment yesterday.  However, I stepped out the door to head out and found myself in four to six inches of snow.  Well, I could drive through that.  The street looked clean and there was plenty of traffic.  But I looked around.  It was snowing like mad.  Timing?  Even with extra time, between road conditions and other drivers, I just wasn't sure.  Beyond, if it continued to snow like this, more so if even a mild wind picked up, I would end up spending the night in SLC.  As cities go, SLC isn't bad.  Seriously.  Size, minorities, stink, and such.  But since the city and Dems who used to run it weren't able to outlaw guns or prevent conceal carry, or even open carry, criminals keep their heads down and stick to their areas.  The thing is, you never know, unless you live there, where those areas are.  And there can be some crossover.  Still, not at all bad for that size of a city.  Thing is, I don't want to spend $100 and change for an ugly 10x10 to stay out of those areas, and then only hopefully.  The V.A. might put me up, but in such weather, that area might be full, so...

Yeah, no.  Then I started to dig out, since I canceled the appointment.  I didn't get far.  The back walks, seven feet from the garage door on the driveway, and the front walk.  I meant to get the snow blower out.  Not sure what happened.  Next I knew, the neighbor boys were working on it.  Gah!  If I hear that I get out there, if at all possible.  I wasn't up to much shoveling, so I got the snow blower out.  It does a passable job, but them helping made it as good of a scoop out as one could hope.  I did a little bit more, scooping, after the using the snow blower, to help clean it up.  I can do some things, sometimes.  Looks like another bit of snow came through or the wind rearranged it.  I may get out and do a bit of clean up.

My friend called.  If I can do some cleanup, I may go on into town.  He has a few things he wants to do, and I have some things.  A meal wouldn't hurt either of our feelings.  And getting out, for him, would probably be fantastic.  Actually, it would be nice for me.  While I got out for the appointment, that isn't, really, like getting out.  That's just driving myself to move so that I might improve my chances at healing.  I may no longer have a great fear of dying, if that isn't the point.  It is more looking for a way to be more active, functional.  It isn't fun, the drive isn't relaxing, the company can be questionable, demanding, even hostile, the setting is a hospital which is unnerving on it's own.  Yeah, not fun.  It's business, all business.  This isn't. 

I am starting to have some... friends... there.  I question everything they believe.  I test their capacities at such.  Personal, social, religious, even professional, I push every button and throw down Doom-sized gauntlets.  Further, they can no longer pass it off as a form of insanity.  I don't know if they are friends, but they aren't passing themselves off as enemies, either.  I don't think they understand.  I am sure they don't agree.  But they don't seem intent on harm.  Some of them.  Trust is earned, both ways, fair enough.

Hey, I best get to things.  I told him I would call around noon.  But I need to handle that snow, then probably take a little downtime, then a shower before heading in.  I better get some things done, quickly.  Later.

Into town and back to a surprise, or two.

.
.
I was amazed at how easy it was to get out.  I was running late, mind you.  But with the appointment being variable (they are kind to us at the heart transplant clinic), I can run a wee late and not be too late.  Then I hit the roads.  I never thought to review the weather.  And I took the pass!  I thought I was going to be seriously late, possibly too late.  It was snowing in the pass.  I was just hoping it wouldn't rain, or that it hadn't rained.  I just went the speed of other vehicles, making sure no one rode my bumper.  Really?  In potentially freezing conditions, people still ride bumpers?  Yes.  A#@$#$2s.  But your dearest Doom has a way of dealing with these people, rain or shine.  And texters?  Talking on the phone in an animated manner?  Eating?  Yep, saw many doing that.  Seriously people?

Never mind.  I kept it together, better than usual.  I simple drove at mid to lower speeds compared with other traffic and whatever would happen would happen.  Oddly, I somehow still made it pretty much on time.  Don't ask me.  On days when I start earlier, a lot earlier, I still only seem to get there a bit earlier.  I just don't understand some things.  Although... I may start timing the things, speed, comparing mileage, and a few other things.  If there is only an half hour difference, with greater stress and expense at the higher speed, I may just relax my way there.  Yeah, I know what they say.  But, true to my convictions, I have to see it, prove it out, and realize it myself.  I really do.  No, I don't believe.  We will see.  By the way, the best scientists aren't the ones who prove what they believe, but disprove it.  The ones who prove what they believe are more likely to have inserted bad assumptions, data, or miscalculations, assuming the whole thing isn't a fraud.  Remember that.  It's okay to be wrong, it is NOT okay to prove out wrong and still not accept it.

I did make it to town on the way back.  I didn't do everything I wanted to do, I forgot what I needed for my bank stop.  I did stop for coffee and tobacco, and added stores.  I'm telling you, I am getting a creepy feeling lately.  It has relaxed a bit, but I still feel like we are walking on ice, or I am.  Something is off.  It's not my mood, it's not my health, it is 'out there'.  Could just be personal, just mine, but I don't think so.  So... I am stocking up, putting some extra supplies up, checking the supplies I have with what I can give to that chore, and just... listening... watching.  Paranoia, if it exists, is no more a bad thing than is pain.  While pain hurts, it lets you know something is wrong, often in time to prevent serious damage.  Paranoia?  If you earned it, and I tell you I have, then it is a sense that should not be ignored.  Women have intuition.  They know that there is more than meets the eye to senses and... understandings.  So to with some men who have had to rely on... an ethereal sense.  A flicker in the 'force'.  Something.  Mine has been buzzing lately.

Oh, and I seem to have won the haiku contest!  It was the first of the set.  It was one I wasn't sure I should put out.  Go figure.  I'll be... thinking on that.  Hopefully up by tomorrow, though it might be Friday.  Unless I am dead.  Then, well...  I already told you, I'm not that lucky!  I get this spooky feeling that God will see me married long before He sees me buried.  'You lucky, lucky, bas....  I dream of being married.'  Never mind.  I do think it all funny, here in flesh... mostly.

The appointment went well.  The lowest we could get my bp was 145/92 or so.  It's not bad, but it's not great either.  I've usually been seeing it in the mid130s/mid80s.  Blood sugar was insanely high.  Then again, I've been sampling my mother's Christmas treats.  Yeah, I'll... eat those up fast.  I know, I know, but they can't be allowed to go to waste!  Hmm, yeah.  Oh, and my snow shoes arrived today!  As soon as I can, I want to try them out.  I'm not sure we have enough snow here in the valley, really.  So I may go to one of the camp ground parking spots.  The grounds themselves will be closed, basically, but they are walk in.  Usually they clear the parking spaces near the road, as snow transfer spots and vehicle breakdown areas.  From what I have seen.  Not all of them, but enough to get me into some snow walking areas.  I may also check for snow shoe areas, looking specifically for areas that are less prone to having avalanches.  Oh... I'd survive it.  It's just... those things are always a bit messy and disconcerting.  One more near death tale for you to hear about ad nauseam as well.  :p

Oh, and it isn't just my new doc that reads here.  I thought the others did too, but yeah.  Now I know.  *sniff... sniff, sniff*  Yes I do. 

Later.

Awake, mostly.

.
.
I did get to sleep.  A little rough at first.  Just getting to sleep was the problem.  When it hit I can't say, only that when it finally hit it was like being hit by a train at speed.  I set the alarm for 4:00, hoping that... something would work right.  I woke just a bit after 3:00, on my own.  I've been tinkering this morning, with the extra time.  I could still overshoot the aim but I think I will do fine.

I suppose it is cold out, but no more than usual after thinking things over.  While I am having some problems, I did see what could be the problem.  This last Monday is known for being the most depressing Monday of the year.  I used to laugh at such notions, as I often don't fit them.  In this case I think it may be correct.  The sun, even when it puts in an appearance, doesn't seem to do it for long or do it strongly.  As such, we go through sun withdrawals, culminating in a form of depression.  That's just the way it is.  Add in that I am messing with medicine and, well, it's just the way things have to be for a while.

I hope to get to the various shops this afternoon or evening.  Who knows though.  Maybe tomorrow, if not... or the day after, or the day after that, or... next Sunday, or Wednesday, or... sometime soon.  Hmm?  Yeah, maybe a shower.  Those have been happening much more regularly.  It is sort of funny though.  When I have had a woman in my life, a lot more care is taken, and given.  It makes short separations enjoyable though.  A week off a year?  Scrunge days?  Yeah.  It's not that a woman demands these things so much as that my body responds to her, and my my mind wants certain things to be a certain way.  Slavery to a notion.  Not a bad thing, mind you.  I have to guess women go through it from their own side.

Well, later. 

Hmm?

.
.
Dinner was perfect.  Eggs, bacon, cheese, on croissants.  Yeah, why I didn't think of it?  Hmm, never mind.  But it was perfect.  Some, most, food is just too hard.  Eggs are like protein oatmeal... or something.  Then foam stopped by and offered a notion.  Sometimes it works, sometimes not.  Nothing wrong with the notion.  It just wasn't quite hitting the spot.  However, it did start me on a search.

Gah!

.
.
Sleep isn't too off.  The last few nights I couldn't sleep until very late.  But then I got in a reasonable amount of rest.  Food has been skimpy, but food is coming in and I have eaten the last few nights.  Medicine is going down rightly.  I feel a bit chill, even with the furnace cranked, but... not miserably cold.  And... I do handle the cold when I go out into it.  But...

I can't seem to write.  Comments, posts here, and such, just come out wrong.  I erased one because, while I believe what it said, generally, was good, the grammar and such was messed up.  I have tried to write a couple of posts today.  And while I got the grammar, after some effort, to within tolerances... I couldn't keep on track with the ideas.  Worse than usual, if that is one of your issues here, as a reader.  Much worse.

I have some appointments coming up.  I need to get to the store.  I have a lot of things here at home to do, on the back burners.  Bleh.  I have to be able to untangle myself from the spider webs before I can move though.  I'll figure something out before long.

Later.

What I ate isn't moving.  I mean... a huge lump in my stomach.  Nothing is working well.  Not sure what is wrong.  I'll try to eat dinner when it arrives.  Maybe that will push it all through.  Bleh.

Just can't dig out.

.
.
It has been rough.  Not the worst of times.  There is no pain.  But there is very little of anything.  The last few nights I could not sleep until very early in the morning, 2:00 and 4:00, give or take.  I did make it to town Sunday, after a week of 'effort'.  The coffee shop wasn't open and there are a few other things I failed to purchase due to the day and time that I was able to drive in.

I have to appointments coming up, back to back.  If I can't make it to town before those, there is a chance on the way to or from one of those I might make it to the stores.  It's simply rough.  No focus, really.  I was surprised how well I could celebrate.  Any kind of a schedule would have been useless, mind you.  Thursday at 15:00?  Monday at 8:00?  Not going to happen.  Moments carved out of a glacier, more by chance and function than will, as to when or how various things happened.  I am a bit worried about making it to the appointments.  I am going to focus and do my best with those.

I won't say I am sleepy.  I just don't have a way to focus.  Hmm, but I do have a bit of food, from shopping.  Apples and pears, salami and cheese, milk and some other things.  But even getting to these things means pushing through the cobwebs.  Hunger, sometimes?  Check.  But what does that mean in the shadows of the mind?  Something about flesh.  Sometimes food is eaten, sometimes it is forgotten with everything else that just went through the mind.  Bah, I'm going to force a little bit of food down, somehow.  And, while I am pretty much out of coffee, I did buy some soda for a quick caffeine fix.  It's not as functional, but it does keep the headaches at bay.  Headaches are merely distractions, stronger or weaker.  Pain isn't the problem, it's the thinking of the pain that can be.

Never mind, just grumbling as I try to lay claim to the day, get showered and to town, and figure some of my life out.  At least it was a good Christmas.  No complaints there.  Now to carry that good a little farther.  Or take a nap?  Maybe I am still tired.  :p

Later.

Haiku Monday - Aspiration/Aspire

.
.
CoreyJo is up with the contest.  I... wrote a couple, but decided not to present them, not yet.  I am tired, I am not sure they fit, I am in a slightly dark mood.  I will put them here and see what y'all think.  And... I will consider myself.  I wonder if... perhaps I am too dark?

I am told to quit

I am told I should face facts

I won't sleep 'til dead

for all the things wrong

my guilt, shame, mistakes, heartache

bearable for love

the wind in my hair

just impossibilities

walk through walls daily

I have been lucky enough to meet the finest teacher.

The Twelfth Day of Christmas.

.
.
I have had the best Christmas, as a holy holiday, that I have ever enjoyed.  I didn't worry about doing this, or that.  No lights, candles, or decorations, if I would like to figure some of these things out, in time.  Presents went out, but were sent early and arrived before Christmas day, mostly.  Gifts, given and received, weren't at the core, or really were more of a dressing for celebration, in the spirit of Christmas.  It was about prayer, thanksgiving, and dealing with real and ordinary life but with the spirit of Christmas behind the days, with a greater emphasis from that as to how to deal with things.  One last day for spiritual observation.

Difficult?  In a way.  Moods, hunger, needs, wants, and such all tried to crowd in.  And they did, but they always will.  Whether you celebrate a day, two, or twelve, standard daily life will always intrude.  Unless... you realize that the intrusion of "real life"... isn't an intrusion at all.  We celebrate a birth for Christmas.  How much more "intrusive" can life get?!?  It did take a few days to understand this, mind you.  I am just a student in this area, and not the brightest of them.  But it did come to me, and earlier on.  Life is not an intrusion.  It is as much a part of the holy as it is a part of any other time in our lives.  I saw this in church, at one time.  And now in holy days.  I am learning.

Remembering to pray, to consider, and often, on each day, was not as difficult as I had supposed.  I had thought, with my mind often adrift as medicines, or weather, or health waver, that I might forget, or get lost in the world, or such.  It didn't actually end up difficult, in one sense.  My mind would and did come back to considerations of love, what God, and Christ, and the Holy Spirit, mean to me.  What my duties are, responsibilities, and what I expect in return.  God doesn't take without giving.  If you enter any contract with God, you can't lose.  Think of it in human terms, perhaps.  He is like a wealthy father.  If he wishes to buy something, he always pays more than it is worth.  If he wishes to trade something, you always come out ahead.  It might not always seem like it, but the truth is there.  And more?  While you may dearly love that parcel of land or animal, in buying it from you, somehow, it really does work out to your benefit on top of the immediate gains.  Only, instead of merely of a secular order, His transactions cover everything from financial to spiritual and are everlasting beyond even the grave.  No, prayer and consideration was not a difficulty.

I am weary.  I was not quite ready for it to be this much of a marathon event.  Next year I will have a better idea of what I am dealing with.  But weariness, in some cases, is a very good thing.  I will have eaten of the Spirit of Christmas enough to last me the year.  Easter, actually, will be a longer holy holiday as well, I now believe.  While I can't always, and might not always, celebrate these things in an official manner, for illness and other considerations, I cannot ignore them.  Here, at home, is what I have.  And so I will make room.  Even so, considering the reason, and sacrifices involved, what I offer is small, humble, even a bit begrudging... if they stopped there.  Actually no matter where they start or stop, I can't offer enough thanks.  But to keep going what I start in these times is the key.  And, so I shall endeavor. 

Merry Christmas.

The Eleventh Day of Christmas!

.
.
A wonderful morning.  Medicine is happening as roughly as possible, but it is happening.  I have been a bit shy on food.  Hungry as a bear and yet picky somehow.  I just can't get it all right.  I can't seem to be able to get to town, either.  Ah, but it's the... thought that counts?  And, for the most part, my days of late have been pretty good.  On toward bedtime and mood and flesh crash.  Food might help, but I won't even swear to that.  Sometimes what is just is what is.

I am hoping to get to town today.  That hope is a carry over from... days, perhaps a week ago, perhaps more?  I just can't remember and I don't have it in me to read back and see.  It's in there somewhere.  My memory, at this time in my life, is actually rather good, usually.  Even in times like what I am experiencing, the memory is good... in that it is actually there.  It is a matter of being awake and able enough to focus the energy to retrieve it.  Well, and even if the memory is there, and good, it doesn't always connect well with other memories.  Rather than having a band of connected memories, I have a bunch of separate strands of memory, so playing through goals, wants, needs, and events, such as we place in our mind, I only get one of those at a time.  It is an improvement.  A vast improvement.  It simply isn't what I have known or what I hope is the final product.

A shower, I hope, shortly.  Then to town.  The grocery store then some fast food.  I will pick up some soda, splenda based, as the coffee shop isn't open for the coffee I know to be good.  Oh, there are other "good" coffees available, usually too acidic for my ability to consume regularly.  I've tried a number of them for such situations.  Terrible.  And pre-ground?  I know, a lot of people live on that stuff.  I wish I could.  Tastes like tea to me.  While I like tea, I like it chilled and with a slightly different flavor profile.  Picky?  Well... perhaps.  But when picky is based on function of need... it is what it is.  If I can't or won't use it, then why buy it?  I've just wasted money.  I simply don't have the money to waste.  Best to buy what I will use, as finicky as that makes me seem, innit?

Prayers, though, are ongoing.  Those happen in spots of psychic clarity and sometimes just... when it happens even when clarity isn't to be found.  My mind knows what I wish and does it's best, along with my conscious will.  Between the two I have been having a fine and prayerful Christmas.  In a way, I suppose, one could say this, the Eleventh Day, is Christmas Eve.  But it is not.  A second Christmas Eve, if anything, but I even discount that.  Merry Christmas.

Bedtime.

.
.
Dark, in more ways than one.  And some things hurt, are wrong.  No, don't worry.  A verse might be a possibility as to why not.  Not the only one, as has been suggested, but a new one.  Not sure why darkness is falling so dreadfully toward bedtime.  While I have gotten to none of what I want done, my days have otherwise been mildly to pleasantly enjoyable.  No, Desert Cat, nothing like the ones I saw.  YouTube wasn't being nice so I didn't see all of them.  Yeah... did someone fall into his cup?  No worries, I have certainly jumped in and gotten a bit wet.  More like a pool, albeit.

I am not, exactly, out of anything, I realized.  Enough coffee for a bit.  Canned milk will do for now.  Enough tobacco.  But a little real food would be quite nice.  It's been a few days since I could eat.  Hurts, from time to time, but when I go to eat I just drift off.  Forgetting before I do anything about it.  Weird little life.  I need to get out before that cold front moves in but I am not sure that is possible.  Sometime tomorrow?  At least I can weather the cold rather well, if I can just... get... up!

Oh.... looks like my new doctor is reading here.  She is reading the same blog posts the last doctor read.  The last doctor only lasted one visit, tried to misdiagnose something, and had a hard time controlling her emotions.  Should be interesting to see what this next one does.  I've been watching her for days.  Her or the old doctor?  Yeah, it's her.  I'll know for sure on our first visit.  Yes I will.  Even when buried in darkness, I do see.  And I see better in the dark than the light anyway.  *sniff, sniff*  And I see with more than eyes.  Come closer.

Still in a funny mood.

.
.
Softening, changing, morphing, and hardening in areas that were soft.  Moods are such transient unique things for me.  While I can say this mood is darker, or this one more ticklish, the truth seems difficult to nail down, even if it weren't in constant flux.  No mood is exactly quite like any other mood.  Events can change tones, the actual mood is never singular, being a mix of various of the many emotions.  Sometimes all or mostly sweet, usually some form of bittersweet leaning one way or the other and as often as not, sometimes sad or bad or just dark.  Lasting a moment or a week, give or take, then sometimes simply going away or mingling with the next wave.

Learn to flow and bend or they will break you.  But when you get the chance?  Ride them like an epic surfer on the biggest most perfect wave.  Let what happens happen.  Hopefully, in time, the results won't be... to awful.  Live and learn!

Of course, mood music for today, one song stolen, one song gleaned, another just because, all of it on point.

No coffee, light is too bright even with clouds.

.
.
It's a rough day.  The goals were splendid.  But I have no coffee, which doesn't help.  Hungry as a bear, but I just can't... get to it.  My trip to town is, well... I am still hoping.  If I make it, it will be a quick stop at the store the a trip to a fast food joint, then back home.  I just don't have what I need to do anything more.  That is assuming I can make it.  Nothing else will be done.  Gah!  I do have to buy coffee.  A shower first.  Crawling, though.  Rough.  Hungry.

I'll try to get to it.  Later.

Something to consider.

.
.
It just hit me, like a diamond bullet, right through the middle of my forehead.  I cause outrage in folk.  Sometimes rightly, perhaps.  But just as often because my words upset their well considered apple carts.  They want to believe what they want.  And, actually, I can't change that.  I have no power to affect change in even one other man, woman, or child.  I cannot change their beliefs.  I can't change their mind, literally or figuratively.  So... why the hate?  Ah, perhaps because I am forcing them to actually believe what they say and then do it.  Because I expect that.  I don't leave room for saying this and then doing that.  I don't leave room for saying they believe this but actually believing that.  I don't leave any wiggle room, right or wrong.  I don't even leave it for myself, if I will be the first to admit that I can and do fail.  I even leave that door open for anyone else who wishes it.  But only in honesty.

Then, it hit me again.  I am mostly, honestly, dead.  I can barely stand sometimes.  I have very little energy.  I can't sleep or wake as most do.  I don't even eat every day, and left on my own I would not eat for even weeks at a time.  How can such a humble creature be such a threat as to enrage grown up fully functioning adults?  Seriously?  You will have to come to your own conclusions.  For me?  It tells me that most adult humans, who live a life in this world, have become so attached to it that anything that threatens their connection, especially rightly, causes revulsion, fear, anger.  The world is of sin.  It makes perfect sense to me.

Do I always say the right things nicely?  Do I even always say the right things?  I do put in effort.  It doesn't really matter, to one extent.  Your emotions are your own.  Your reactions are your own.  I don't hate, if you do?  Well, I do hate sin, lies, falseness.  Cling to that and it will hurt when I write.  That is yours.  Don't try to bring it here, to me.  Bring me your doubts about what I said, but your reactions are your own.  And hate will see you at the front of the line on the road to hell.  If you hold onto beliefs even you know are false, then hate me for exposing them... it isn't going to end well.  Go to church every Sunday?  Pray for what you want?  Won't help.  Look to what God says and wants.  I do.  Imperfectly, but that is sometimes my first, but always ends up being at least my final arbitration source.  I highly recommend it.  If you think God supports abortion, or even the pill... or women in the military... or equality of men and women, or even equality of all men, then you are wrong.  Not even in hell are men all equal, certainly not in heaven.

If your hate is for something I understand, I will work with you.  But if you hide the reason for your hate because you cannot defend that reason... then it's all on you.  All of it.  It's yours.  You own it.  God doesn't want it.  No one wants it.  Satan encourages it, but only to keep you from God as he keeps himself.  He has no need for it save that it means he won't be separated from God alone.  You won't even get to keep your hate even in hell.  Let it go.  Now.

The Tenth Day of Christmas.

.
.
I've got to tell you, while I am enjoying Christmas?  I am also getting the celebration out of my system.  Christmas, this year, won't be every day the way it used to be.  I will have had my Christmas.  However, I believe this celebration will buoy me through the year in a more serious and faithful way.  Further, I am looking for a few other holidays to celebrate a bit more similarly.  Easter, the 4th of July, and Thanksgiving, for the coming year.  The goal is to carve out a week before for shopping and generally making sure I have what I need and that I have a plan.  But have that work be a side note.  Then, the day before, set out to be ready to have an easy celebration, then celebrate on the day, and finally coast on that celebration for a bit.  Cooking extra hotdogs, or hamburgers, for example, on the 4th, and then living off that and the sides for as long as I can.  I finally "get" holidays.  I might even figure out which day they land on.  I know what day Christmas lands on... just hoping that is a regular day?  Is it Thanksgiving that changes?  The 4th had better be on the danged 4th!  But that is only half of some of the trick.  On three to five day "weekend" holidays, sometimes the celebration is held on a slightly different day.  Right?  Humans!  Calendars?  Work!  Celebrations?  You all confuse me.

People and their oddities drive me to distraction.  Then again, you all breeze through life, in the sense that just being alive is... not difficult.  It isn't a task, say, for you to breath.  You never crumble into a dark hole of thought and body for no reason, and get stuck there.  (General rule, I know some of you regulars have your own afflictions, some more severe than others.)  Running a regular schedule is not easy for anyone, I don't think, but most of you do, and can do, that.  Those of you who have a difficult time?  Imagine not having any control, like a plane that loses it's wings, or tail, or something.  No control, not always.  Just being conscious enough to think deeply enough to remember... to eat, sometimes... or to do... anything.  Plus, having no one there for when it all falls down, or to push you into compliance, a bit.  Life has improved.  Food on a more regular basis, medicine and the right stuff to treat the real problems, and a will of iron.  It looks like I fail, but should a man be able to be dropped in the middle of the ocean and swim to shore?  I've nearly done that.  I didn't even get a warning of the drop, I was asleep.  The whole time I was pretty much blind and somewhat unaware, but I was told that being in the ocean was my fault, and that the drowning sensation and fear was just an illusion.  On that score, water pills were and remain a joy.  You truly have no idea what I have just survived.  Or how impossible it is that I am actually getting better.

This morning?  I woke at, oh, 7:00?  I went to bed somewhat early last night, but I needed the sleep.  Perhaps down at 21:00 to 22:00, maybe closer to 23:00?  Some time in there.  But I needed sleep.  I have been pushing.  Need to stop pushing, by the way.  I woke, for the first time in some time, and new the date.  The day I had in mind was one off, but that was fixed internally even before my eyes popped open.  I knew I had some appointments coming up, thought the first was on a certain day, and considering the day and date of the appointment, and today's date, I figured what day it is.  And, as noted, I remembered my upcoming appointments, though I will check the time of the first one so as to... be ready.  I believe it is the afternoon one, though... I need to check.

I will be taking a shower shortly.  Then heading to town.  I really do need milk, cream, coffee, perhaps to see my friend and take him for a meal and to the store if he should prefer.  I need to stop at the bank, stop at the gym to sign off, and... then get back to do some cooking and cleaning.  Not sure what all will be done, but that is the goal.  Prayers, of course, and just... remembering Christ, the early years mostly.  Mother and Babe, His childhood, His labor as a man, His teaching and examples.  He isn't just my Lord.  He, to a degree, is an example.  I can't follow, I can't yet walk on water, and any sacrifice I make in His name or for Father are tiny in comparison.  But from children can be had only what children can give.  Not enough to save, but enough to bring some little joy.  The greatest gift is simply to live with the reality of the situation, and joyfully.  Reminds me, I need to try to sing when I go to church.  To belt it out.  Not a great singer, but... that isn't the point.

Ah... well... a bit of waking then on to... whatever today brings.  Merry Christmas!

Feisty ornery mood.

.
.
It's not, for the most part, a mean mood.  But it can sure present like it.  Not sure what is going on.  My comments have just been, heavy, almost... sometimes... just mean, even over the line a bit from time to time.  I am trying to dial it back but it's...

Love.

.
.
Sometimes it is easier, in good times.  Sometimes it is a brutal struggle.  Sometimes it is misunderstood.  Sometimes it brings joy, or laughter.

To all of you who know it and share it, and in the same fashion you present it.  I share it forth in like fashion.  Oh, and if you think it is I who is in need of schooling, share it your way.

I do my best.  You may do your worst.  Yeah, I don't always get it, neither do you.  Just... trust me once in a while.  I'll try to do the same.

Sociopath?

.
.
Have you ever been called such a thing?  Well, I don't know if I was.  But if I was, I actually...  Actually twice recently, maybe.  One in a general way, one in, if what I perceived was true, a rather specific and direct manner.  And, by people to whom I give some grant of merit.  No, just because I give some one such a thing does not mean I then take what they suggest at face value.  It merely means that I will look more seriously at a suggestion from that person, and will give them a little more room to flex their notions as a general rule.

All ears.  Well, not... ears... exactly.

Both are bloggers I have in my sidebar.  One even, if I read correctly, added the suggestion of narcissism.  Oh, hey, that isn't my advisory board, yet.  Their pictures sort of got lost in the shuffle.  Hope you don't mind?

A-hahaha!  Yeah, I resemble that.

Let us start with the least first, or to my notions.  Plus, it was only insinuated in one of the potential... suggestions.  I think?  Pushing my days around can disturb memory, and creates a lack of interest in exactitude...  Horse shoes and hand grenades simply must suffice, along with a 'near enough' recall.

So, narcissist?  Well, of course!  This is a no brainer.  The question is, is it an illness or a mechanism of my situation?  That can easily be debated.  I realize the world is about me.  I don't, however, believe the world rotates about me.  Basically I am stuck, not just in a glob of flesh, but also in a diminished mind, with limited travel, and extremely limited access to other people.  Further, and so it has been for longer than even some grown children of some people have been alive.  Which might also encourage some sociopathic  tendencies.  Simply, since I can't see, rarely interact, and barely know most people.  I can say something that is considered so over the line as to potentially cause a fight, save that real life really does make a difference.  David didn't really want to take Goliath, plus he had the kill option up front.  So, yeah, there is the self, but that is because that is about all I know.  So, no, I don't think I have narcissism as an actual illness, just a natural reaction to being stuck in a trap with my own stinky self for so long.  I am no more happy about it than you are, believe me.

Looks, give or take, about right.

I did review sociopathy.  There are a lot of ifs and buts about the thing.  There seem to be some rules about it.  Now, you can't actually diagnose yourself, but you can, assuming you are somewhat rational, have some insight, and have tried to see things clearly, take things a step at a time and do a self assessment.  So I did.  What I am seeing are some striking similarities, with some glaring failures.  Brutal.  Check.  But I fear for myself, my own, and others.  Just, if I have no choice, I will wade through the living and dead to get to where I need to be and do what I need to do so long as I am able.  And I have done so.  Not only do I have fear, if not in the moment always, but later, or before, and sometimes right in it, I will know shame, regret, empathy, sympathy, and not just for the innocents, but even for the guilty.  If anything, sometimes, that latter makes me... wonder about my sanity.  Even if I did everything as well as could be done, as right...  There will be some self-loathing.  Survival sucks, sometimes.  It hurts.  Well, that isn't hypothetical.

Some get it so very wrong, eh Sarah?

Oh, I'm also as charming as a snake and just about as charismatic.  At least I'm ugly.  That'll make up for it (or leave a mark).  As to rules?  Like I'm awake long enough to learn them, and prefer to know them before acting, so that I know if I want to risk breaking one... but I rarely know so I try to... be mellow.  Hold my breath a lot, until I can't.  So... maybe on that, and depends on the situation.  If I will kill to save, what, exactly, rules are absolute?  Only God's rules, or grace, worry me.  But they do worry me.  And lies?  When is a story a lie?  When is a dream, or a vision, a lie?  When it isn't true, when it wasn't true, or until it can't be true?  What if the point is the supposed truth, then does the rest of it have to be factual?  I could be a snake, I already have the charm of it down.  Then again, I've already declared that I was one.  The question is, were the reforms real?  Not my call there.

Now, if you will kindly go away.

Yeah, so... no... Probably not.  Well, not as in a "-pathy", in either case.  One is just the result of being mostly dead in a dying world with few contacts.  The other just ain't so, if my nature might resemble the thing at times.  But, yeah, I had to check.  A response came in that clarified things though.  It isn't sociopaths that women look for, it was suggested.  As I have noted here, on this blog, myself.  Women might not be able to tell the difference, but they look for whoever seems to be in charge.  Who, here, is king... they might as well say.  That, my friends, I am.  Priest, prophet, AND king, it is my due.  And I do wear that, as a child, of whatever nature, of God.  Only, there are limits.  I do not call the tune, I abide it... falteringly, failingly, even falsely, well, until the time where I might rightfully accept my duties, and responsibilities, and so begin to call the tune.  When I am ready.  But when I realize my mistake I head back to humbler grounds.  Like a man lost in the woods, I seek the last place where I knew where I was.  Not even successful always even then.  Eventually I found my way, as I am neither dead or in heaven, or hell.  And, even so, I think God wishes for us to take chances, to reach out, to explore.  He will be waiting for us, on either side, and is with us even when we are lost.  Quite a trick.  And when I grow up?  I think He will have taught me the trick.

Later.

While I was thinking...

.
.
I have never had a tow "rope" or jumper cables for my vehicles, none of them.  That, to my notions, isn't a good practice.  So this month was the month to fix that.  Cables and ropes come in so many variations that... figuring out which to buy is a major headache.  Reviews have become so jacked that those aren't necessarily reliable, in either direction, always.  I have found items that were poorly rated to be more than I had dare hope and items that were considered tops by reviews to be terrible.  Usually, however, what I saw was what I got.  You can take any product, and to a degree, rightfully rip it apart.  And I don't mind that as long as you keep some other variables in mind.  Do you need a two gauge jumper cable?  Probably not, in my case.  I do run a bigger rig, so four gauge is actually recommended.  Now, do you need to spend $200 on jumper cables?  Absolutely not.  But do you want to risk buying $10 cables when most of them are in the $20-30 range?  I don't.  There are guys, like Desert Cat, who can be handed a tuna and turn it into a hammer.  Damned if I always know how he does it, but...  For me, until or unless I get more experience, I go with spending just a bit, or a lot, more, and even then, having to hope the equipment is better than the handler.

Urhm, by the way, that was a compliment, Desert Cat.  And... I am watching.  If need be, I am probably just a wee bit more... capable than before.  And working on it on my own, as well.  Damn but old dogs are hard to teach.... if there is more there than I knew as well.  Waking and learning.  Behind the eight ball though, until need forces?  Dunno.

Yeah, I sorted through this and that.  I didn't go lowest, I didn't go highest, I didn't completely follow, or ignore, reviews.  I did some outside research.  Yeah, but this stuff really is a bit pricey, even on the simple, mainstream, but slightly better product.  Cables and a container for them, a tow cable, d-ring, and bumper hitch plus a pin.  Yeah, it's never as simple, usually, as just ordering the exact product.  Usually there are little things needed to make that item function, or keep it all together.  I remember, not a year ago, being asked for a jump and not being able to give it.  I felt so bad, just slunk off like the dog I was.  A little middle aged Mexican woman, with her mother.  Felt like a heel, and should have.  Takes time to... fix things, but it is... on the way to being done.  She was so hopeful, and desperate, too.  Nags my mind.  Little things, for me, sometimes.  Hot day.  Desperate.  Such things haunt my dreams.

After the shower, no I haven't gotten to that, but... after the shower, and soaking the dishes, I will try to get a bit of a pack together for the vehicle as well.  And, in the next few days, look for my tools and pick some for the vehicle or consider what sort of a tool kit I need just for the Xt'er.  Bit by bit.  It's tight, with the home and car and... well... things like snow shoes.  And I am keeping money aside for a couple of big projects, teeth and a wheat grinder, sooner or later... but hopefully sooner.  And Burning Man?  Ackh!

Oh, and I also ordered snow shoes, poles, and a pouch roomy enough for all, extra gloves, the other stuff I have, and probably a few extras for easy pick and go.  It was all on sale for less than than the snow shoes alone and shipping would have been for the last months since I first checked them out.

Well, I did buy a treat, as well.  Oh yes I did...  It'll take me a couple of months to get back into pork hock trim so as to actually be able to store some.  Or, next month, I may have to order two or three orders.  Two jars being one order, mind you.  Oh, and no worries.  I have been eating this sort of food, and far worse, for most of my life.  Trust me, this is a step up from my often usual.  I did tell you I was an ogre.  Pickled turkey gizzards, when I get these stocked up.  Yum! And, no, this isn't why my heart is bad.  That was viral.  Arteries are clean as a whistle.  Everything is good, save what the virus did and what 23 years of inattention from medical added to it.  So.... gnom!  Gnom, gnom!  Yum!

Later.

Well, there was a morning.

.
.
I can't remember when I woke, not sure if I posted about it, too tired to go look.  I actually mean to try to decipher if a post I wrote, for here and Alexandria, had flawed data in it.  I don't, really, know how to investigate such claims.  Something about a man who was getting jacked by Zerocare.  The other thing that makes digging into it's authenticity is the plethora of definitive cases of people... being jacked by Zerocare.  If this claim, one in millions, is false... but the rest are true... at what point does an example not based on fact but in fact true become not the, or even an, issue?  Still, I hate not having some investigative skills. 

Today?  Well, a lot of maybes.  First, a shower.  Then soaking the dishes that need washed since the last time.  Maybe a trip to town for a few perishables and a stop at McDonalds.  Yes, for now, I have given up... just... a... little... bit.  A wife could fix some of that, but... not all of it.  I'm done for, but those fries!  :p  Is giving up some things completely wrong?  Or is it, some of it, in some ways, just realizing that what our younger selves dreamed and hoped for, was... not all, or even at all, practical.  How much did we lie to ourselves then?  Probably more than we were capable of realizing.  Still do, don't we?  Gah!  See, even I step in my own free-form writing. 

There seems to be an inversion again.  I thought I heard something indicating that the inversion would be here for about a week.  A good day not to drive, but I drive so little that, really, the two or three times every month or three that I do drive, it is actually needed.  Snow shoes, even horses or mules and a sled, would not improve things.  One not being possible, the other putting out pollution whether used or not, and possibly just as impossible, unsafe, due to traffic and conditions, and... well... drivers... like me.  Gah!  The Lord does know that I pray for patience behind the wheel.  Grumpy old death dealer that I am.  But I don't drive meanly, I just grumble... or shout.  The latter only when, now, I am sure no one can hear, or that is my intent.  Well, my intent is not to shout, actually.  Stopgaps of failure?  Yeah.  Double Gah!

Tomorrow I am hoping to shred this room and make it right!  I mean tear out the boxes, move the planter to where it needs to be for use in this next month or in February, clean off my computer stand, sweep, mop, and even hit the rugs with the steamvac.  Might not all happen in one day, but that is actually the goal.  Might hurt, might not get to it all, might even fail miserably.  But I am going to try!  I'll do what I can until I can't, then hope to hit it again as soon as possible.  Gah!

It's a "Gah" day, by the way.  Christmas and all.  But it's a... gentle, or humorous, or little thing.  Just a ticklish notion, not a hammer falling on head thing.  Merry Christmas.

Hate can be crushed.

.
.
No, you don't need bombs or even guns.  I am unnecessary and useless, save to offer thanks, prayer, and support.  Unless they start trying to... mandate.  You don't need other tools.  You just need a simple, effective, humble tool that God showed you in many ways.  Starting with your parents and then hopefully it matures in your own life.  It can conquer not just hate, but doubt, worry, scorn, and all the other things that bring you low.  Well... why just talk about it.  How about I show you.  How much these young parents, especially mom, had to go through...  It's breathtaking, the world we live in today.  But, aye, through it all... I got to see that glimpse of hope I needed for this Christmas Day.


Hard to look at?  Really?  Do you have any idea what a perfect Christ sees when He has to look at us in our sin?  Aversion to this child is excessively mild by comparison.  This child is actually innocent of personal sin.  Easy on the eyes when compared to our lust, greed, and... hate.  You just have to know how to see.

My brother and his wife had to go through something similar, though less obvious at the end.  Part of why I never gave up on them.  The miracle of life, sadly, in these days, is considered a choice in these times.  A choice?  Really?  Not for the good.

I have my own part in this, albeit a smaller one.  I had a nurse ask me if I would have preferred to have been aborted, since I have so many problems.  Seriously, looked me in the eyes, was genuine.  I turned the question on her.  In various discussions, I think... she started to see... beyond her lesbian notions and hate from and of it.  I have my ways, if they were given by God.  Even a poor emulation is powerful in these times.  Took long enough to become aware of them.

Merry Christmas.

Weird... day?

.
.
Backlash from pushing.  Even if I had figured most things out, and was doing well.  Though I didn't realize the push in my mind my body had been suffering from it.  So, yesterday at about 10:00 I started to feel the call to sleep.  I kicked it in the teeth, first off.  I am getting stronger again.  It came back at about noon.  Another boot to the muzzle but this time it gained purchase, clinging and closing.  I knew it would happen but fought, and hard and well.  I thought a nap might fix it.  Actually I was so sure it would just be a nap I didn't set the alarm for dinner time.

Pop!  Eyes opened to a dark world.  Yeah, but the sun goes down so early, especially if it's cloudy, which I think it was when I was going down.  Ah, but... a quick check.  Nope, not buried under the blankets this time.  I still chuckle about that time.  So I rolled and rumbled to wakefulness.  Glasses, pistol, phone... were grabbed.  They pretty much stay with me.  Mostly.  The phone only goes in there when I play soduko puzzles, rarely, to rest... or bring it in while dazed into sleep like this time.   Time, I kept forgetting to check.  It was 1:20?  Really?  Maybe that clock was off.  If in doubt, I check two or three various clocks and the cell phone and computer.  Ah well.  Medicines weren't taken, but I have fixed that.  I will just be sort of off on timing, but not too badly.  As well, I will try to push through the day today, to catch up and keep the day cycle as well as I am able.  It is better then to continue racing ahead with time/day advancement.  It also gives me a chance to slow that advancement to a crawl, so as to not overshoot the day schedule.

Yeah, it's crazy stuff.  But it's what I have to work with, put up with, deal with.  I remember a time when I was always busy, in danger, working, and playing when that time was offered.  Sleep was a luxury, and was had when it was available.  Two days up?  Oh well, grab a few winks then do it again.  You would be absolutely amazed what the right set of incentives can make you do, allow you to do.  What doesn't kill you makes you a go-a-holic.  I just don't have the incentives, then again, not sure how much my flesh will support post illness.  I know it about killed me, literally, when incentives and will were in place as my body slid to the brink of death in so many ways.  I'm already pushing lines that make the doctors and nurses squirm as if watching a baby crawling on the edge of a 10 storied building.  I see it in their eyes.  Some of them... are on my side of the thing, finally, though.  One of them even said she was... proud of me.  Quietly, not to be too overheard, by other patients?, though before a doctor who was none too happy, with either of us.  :)  Not all fiction, boys and girls, not all.

Well... A new pot of coffee is brewing.  I drank the last bit of the old.  I do prefer fresh brew but I am a brute.  Well, more in the winter, due to the added warmth.  Fresh brew is better, but not at all necessary for me.  As long as it is good coffee to start.  I can drink it right to the point of... strange brew, and do.  You would be amazed at what I can eat and drink with nary a hiccup.  I wouldn't recommend this for most of you, not the elderly, very young, or even middle aged.  Unless you know you can handle... what would make an FDA inspector crap his pants just from understanding... don't eat my stuff.  You can eat with me.  I know good from bad.  And I wouldn't consider serving bad to others.  Just, for myself?  Hamburger left out too long?  Just a little tangy.  Stuff with foreign growths?  Just a little funky flavor, perhaps extra protein.  Though... for aesthetic purposes, I do have some limits, for myself.  But... it's probably well outside of your limits.  An ogre, I tell you.

Off to... wake up time.  A bit of sugar, today, in the coffee.  I get that, now, as a treat, two, rarely three, times a week.  Since I am no longer doing splenda, however, I have noticed that I can again taste sweetness.  And I actually enjoy it.  Splenda, while it has it's purposes, confuses the taste buds.  It's nice to have my flavor profile for sweetness back in order.  A treat only?  Who knew.  :p  Later.