Okay.

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Well... looks like my ssd check is in.  They didn't tell me when it might arrive.  It is listed as having cleared on the 14th.  Good, good.  I still have to sign the paperwork and get that in.  Yeah, but... I had to look it over, and glad I did.  So...  Still, this paperwork then starts a complete review.  While back in some money I am still not out of the woods.  One thing at a time.

I haven't been able to get to work.  I simply don't have it in me.  However, having some money means I can get the house payment this month, and I think the utilities, which are late.  And then do some minor shopping.  If the pig arrives, I should be able to do that cash, too.  Ugh.  If I can remember, focus.  I'm not in the best of shape.  This might help unjangle some nerves though.  Especially if I can get busy and pay some things.  Yeah.

You know what I am hungry for?  Apples were good, pears better, and all that, but... donuts.  I'd love to try those cronuts, and may someday, but for now just some storebought.  I would have to do a lot of cleaning and dishes to get the world in order to even begin working on the cronuts.  But I sure... would like those.  I am positive they would be better than storebought.  But the last I had really weren't too bad.  They were actually good.  A treat, now and then.

Ugh.  Later or good night.

Much better?

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It seems that way.  Then again it is in the 50's F outdoors.  That doesn't hurt.  I thought I had missed recycling yesterday.  But, being a holiday, probably not.  So first thing, mostly, I got the bin out to the curb.  I don't think I have enough trash to bother taking out.  Maybe a partial bag, sum total.  I haven't been cooking, shopping, or such, so I haven't been having anything to toss.  It is actually windy, and still in the 50's.  It is a warm enough wind, I guess, that it doesn't cut.  A very strange deep winter.  It happens, though.  More, I do suspect they are tinkering with the weather.

Yes, sleep was very good.  I set the alarm for eight plus change hours.  I woke a bit before the time, then added an hour for more sleep.  Dreams.  What women do in my brain on some nights... then again, I know I do it back.  I don't know if you can smell, feel, taste, touch, and such, in your dreams.  But I can.  Anyway...  Not sure I needed the extra hour, wanted it.  I slept, and woke, well.  Just tinkered a bit before realizing I could probably get the recycling out.  It's nearly full.  Not that I create a lot of recycling, I just don't take it out every time.  Over time it just gets full.  Bleh.  The woes of middle class mid-America?  :p

I didn't get much done yesterday.  Other than finding the phone and attempting to get it working.  I have been told that the phones may be dead.  While my neighbor uses a different company, I'd bet dollars to donuts all the companies out here use the same wiring and just split it out, or even bill it out, independently.  So... that might be the problem with the phone.  I'll call later.  Then again, finding the phone took quite a bit of digging.  I'd spend an half hour to hour looking here or there, taking a break, and looking elsewhere.  Yes... I have piles of loot.  And am easily distracted.  :p

A shower, shortly.  Then setting up dishes.  Maybe tinkering with laundry, if more to open up the baskets and either decide to rewash those clothes or put them up... in prep for beginning using the machines again.  If I'm blocked up at the folding/storing end, it doesn't work well to just continue washing and drying.  Blah.

Later.

Always a mixed bag.

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I haven't done much today.  I did a bit, and found the phone.  I plugged it in and... I can hear something, but can't get a dial tone or otherwise call out.  Being a holiday I will have to wait until tomorrow.  Oh, and I need to check about this being unlisted.  She kept skipping the answer to that.  She is made to sell, push, not be honest.  I am supposed to have 30 days to end the service.  If they can't or won't offer an unlisted phone, I'll find another service.  If I can get this going, I will dump my cell.  Of course, then I will have to get an ereader or tablet, maybe both.  I just won't go with ms win, really don't care for android, but absolutely will not get apple.  It's not a matter of good, better, best, it's a matter of which steals and sells your data the least, at this point.

A shower, shortly, maybe.  It's a bit of a rough day.  Still, I think it'll work out.  I have hamburger thawing, though I'd like to find some chops too.  Pork, lamb, all good.  Perhaps a roast of some sort as well.  I need to eat, even if it's a bear to get going on cooking.  I seem to be cooking good meals, when I can, as lopsided as things are.  I just wish I had a bit more energy and could really put out a near feast of a meal.  I'm hungry.

Well, later, I suppose.  A nap would be nice but I don't see it happening.  Good day.

Better, again, maybe.

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I stayed awake a little longer than planned last night.  I'll work to remedy thay.  The goal is to be asleep by 21:00.  I suppose longer days and the warmer weather play a part.  It is always precarious for me.  Too little work, too much or too fast of change in the environment, too hungry, too much food, too much or little work, or just health acting up, or other things.  My body is fussy and I cannot account for all the variables.  No worries.  I'll keep at it.

I set the alarm for 7:00, rounding up bedtime to 23:00.  I woke more around 5:30, and easily, so simply turned off the alarm and got on with my day.  I am working to brush my teeth more regularly.  Actually moving from rarely, to twice a day, and now to, often, three times a day.  That comes and goes, I often lose track.  I suppose, if you can get to a certain age, and you haven't rotted your teeth out, they can be... taken for granted a bit more often.  As I said, I haven't had a cavity in... since... 1993~4?  I think so.  Still, there are reasons to try to keep up.

When my checks begin coming in, while I do have some other things of interest, I would like to get my teeth cleaned.  I am not interested in a checkup, just a cleaning.  If the doc can't handle that, I'll find another.  I could get it free, at the V.A.  But the travel costs would be similar to the costs of a cleaning.  I could apply for travel, but that has always been sketchy.  Sometimes they send it, sometimes they just circular file the request.  Bureaucratic problems, some of the first, started there.  Oh, and I would also like to get in to an eye doctor, get set up for new glasses, and begin ordering.  I'd like to order two functional pair and have two in reserve.  Two would be bifocal standard daily drivers, two would not be... sunglasses/activeware glasses, but over time.  I have found an, comparatively, inexpensive source, and would like to compare various sources.  I have seen bifocals, without the lines, for as little as $150(ish).  Regular glasses for much less.  Just... wanting to keep up on some things.

I am hoping to get to work today.  I won't say I will end up doing a lot of work.  Two or three small loads of dishes, a shower, work on the laundry and get that all back on track, and some tidying up in the kitchen.  Well, and putting meat out to thaw.  Hmm, and a trip to the post office here in town.  Both to get out and to get the ssa form in the mail.  I am beginning to get some umph back, maybe.

Good morning and day.

Raining?

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It is February.  Crazy.  It jangles the nerves.  It could freeze at any moment, leaving sheets of ice that would be harsh to try to get through.  It really could shut everything down for a good while, if it went bad at the wrong time.  There is also still a goodly amount of snow out there, which will melt with the rain and because of the temps that allow for it to rain.  Oh well.  It is wonderful to sleep with the warmer temps and pitter-patter.

I slept well enough, I think.  Not too deeply, not too shallow.  I woke at 4:00(ish).  I looked over the news.  There really isn't much happening that I find interesting.  Though, for you, generally, that is a good thing.  I tell you, this last week, I had a sense that something big, and bad, was going to happen.  About midweek to near the end, I felt as if that had broken.  Either the plans were interrupted or pulled.  Of course, with things like that, it might be delayed... assuming the players weren't caught, rounded up, and are sitting in a nearly cosmic circular file.  I think .int, .mil, and .sec realized, from Zero, that they can't trust the president and certain other aparatus to secure enemies who need to be secured.  They won't make that mistake again?  Maybe.  That is a slippery slope, and, yet, it is what it is.  Given a choice of trusting them, with serious oversight, in the shorter term, and trusting Zero, I have to go with them.  Actually, that is how it used to be done, until someone decided hot, multi-national, international, wars was a better idea, then just started zapping people with bomb tossing flying robots.  Yeah... choices.

I'd love to rent a movie, or find something to watch.  But have you seen what they offer lately?  I am trying to finish off some books.  The weather, which is causing me to be drousy already, doubles or triples the effect of reading... even when I can wake well enough to read in the first place.  Gah!  I have several books lined up for next, hopefully a bit more engaging then the ending of Dante's Comedies.  One of the poets will be chosen, as well as either the Silmarillion or Children of Hurin, by JRR Tolkien.  I am enjoying having two books, of different sorts, to read at a time.  If one does not quite suit the mood or interest, the other might well do.  Both were physical books this last time.  Next will be one real and one ebook.

Oh, sudoku has been very good recently.  In the last two weeks, on a virgin run, I have hit a 13, 11, 9, several 7, and a 5 second score.  Now, while I can do these, I don't hit them, usually, this often.  Even for me this is fast on fast.  Often only hitting one of the superfast times once every week or two.  That's a superfast score every other day, and, with how things have been, I haven't been playing every day.  So... yeah... very good.

Later.

A wicked winter?

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You know, not so much.  Out here we got more snow than usual, or lately.  Someone was saying the old timers suggested it has been 25 years or so since there has been this much snow.  And while I have some some of the coldest snaps, even spells, since I have been here, I have also seen some of the warmest days in winter since I have been here... into the 50's.  I think it has been a darker winter, more overcast than usual.  That is subjective, just a sense, I haven't actually looked.  Then again I don't trust the news, not even local.

My sense of exhaution, though?  I was thinking it was just me.  My mother called to check in today.  While we were talking, we crossed that topic.  It's not just me.  She, her friends and coworkers, all seem to have some serious exhaustion this year.  Her weather out there seemed as difficult, or more perplexing, as ours.  I am wondering if it isn't the large changes in weather which are causing the problem, or even just that the sun hasn't been out so much?  In any case, it is good to know it isn't just me.  Probably.  I should ask around more locally.

Not much going on today.  I'd like to push through with Dante's final book.  I must admit, it is mostly lost on me.  I enjoyed the first, was curious about a part in the second, but this third book is... less appealing.  Too fictional, with less support from other both holy and theological writings.  Still, it is an amazing piece of work.  It pretty much would be, or contain elements, of the encyclopedia of his time, framed in poetry.  Science, religion, the stars, mythology, philosophy, geography (as they understood it), etc.  Amazing.  Still... too often, in this last book, *zzz*...

Later.

Not doing the best.

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I have had worse.  The only thing wrong, really, is that I can't quite sleep well.  Problems on the mind, as well as going through some part of my illness, on top of a minor infection.  When I scraped my leg, usually that just heals well by itself.  Not this time.  The wound area is sore and just a bit pink.  It actually is looking and feeling better.  I wish I had stocks of various antibiotics, I'd use one.  The other otpiion, I think, is to remove the scab, clean the area, then bandage it using triple antibiotic ointment.  I don't want to do that.  If it doesn't clear up in a few days, though, I will.  It's time for me to see the doctor, but I can't afford that unless my ss check comes in.  Having him deal with this, on top of my usual checkup, would be fine.  I can't go for medicine for reasons on their own, other than keeping my license.

I am sleeping hard, perhaps too hard.  My schedule isn't doing well, off.  I have been busting myself up trying to get to a day schedule, to make handling some of these problems a bit easier.  Actually, I probably woke a bit too early.  I may attempt returning to sleep.  I may go back to using the alarm clock, but this time not so much to wake me, but in an attempt to sleeping the right amount of time.  Health, thoush, sometimes, means that isn't an option.  Sometimes I have to sleep long.  Sometimes I can't sleep long enough.  Not always, or even often when everything is up in the air, a choice.

I'll keep at it.  Later.

The call, finally.

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I called today.  They do have my address changed, however the paperwork they sent with me has the old/wrong address.  I was told to mechanically change that address.  I asked what to expect.  I was told they will call me, though the operator did not sound confident.  It sounded more like he was telling me whatever he thought I wanted to hear.  I told him I am no longer with the V.A.  This isn't adding up.

I will change the address, then send it in the next time I am in town or even the next time I check my mail.  No postage is necessary.  There is other paperwork in there, but I didn't see that any of it seemed to require signatures or such.  I'm not in the best shape, so can't be absolutely sure.  No postage is necessary, there is that.

Yeah, took all week to get in mostly good enough shape to look things over then call.  No, they aren't looking out for me.  Honestly, I think they though the pressure would kill me.  I think they know exactly what is wrong and mean to use that against me.  If I was an illegal, they'd be bending over backwards to help.  We definitely need to fix this.  Trump has his hands full with spies from our government.  If he can figure that out, survive it, hopefully he'll then figure much of this out.

Later.

No idea when.

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I think I was awake until well after noon.  Then I planned a nap.  I was probably more tired than I thought.  I left the machines on, thinking two hours would be it... if I am reading things right.  I don't rightly recall and what I do remember might have been from yesterday or some other day.  Yeah, crashing hard when I crash.  Waking up with all the machines on, though, usually means I either thought I was going to get back up shortly or I crashed really hard.  I just don't think I crashed that hard, if I did sleep very well and long.  I simply misinterpreted the impulse to sleep, most likely.

I have been dreaming, but those aren't being remembered when I wake.  Hmm... maybe I turned the machine on, mid-sleep, in order to try to record a dream at some point?  I know that has been on my mind in the last few days.  But was it tonight, and in any case, did I carry through?  Yeah, I know.  Memory stinks when exhaustion is pummeling me.

Oh, I am hoping to make a call and sign and send the form tomorrow.  It is a threefolded form, so I can't capy it myself.  Might make a trip to town to get that done.  You can't trust these people at all.  They are just as likely to lose it, or create some problem with it, as to send it through and use it.  Accidentally or on purpose, they do not wish to help you, do their job, or get it done.  That is just how it is and we all know it.  I think they finally understand that most of us understand and so are openly hostile to us.  That... won't be successful either.

Oh, if I make it to town I can get some groceries.  Apples and pears were fantastic for an addition.  Mushrooms are a good add once in a while.  I am learning not to try to stock up on muschrooms though.  The canned are too salty and the fresh go pretty quickly, more so when I don't cook all that often.  And, really, raw mushrooms aren't all that great on salads.  Just... a nice add to cooked meats once in a while.  And milk has been wonderful, and I'll need more butter.  After trial and error, I have found certain brands of butter that I find better, affordable, and can freeze.  The better kinds go rancid if even left in the fridge, but freezing makes them last several months anyway.  I just don't do rancid.  Probably edible, mostly, just... no.

Hmm... on to waking and getting some information ready for the phone call.  Good morning, sooner or later for you.  Be well.

Not my rules.

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She has always accused me as such.  While... I do as I may to live by them, I didn't make them.  While I hope she will attempt to live by them, I can't even enforce that.  Oh... I'll give it a shot.  Sometimes to cover my butt, sometimes so I don't have to deal with my failures.  But I can't make her good, right, perfect.  And, honestly, trying is beyond me.  More so since I can't live that way myself.
Then there are singers, artists, out there who... seem to get me.  While this one plays her side, she also seems to... get some of it beyond her side.  Obvious, to me, in her presentation.  Dreams.  Stolen.  Sung?  Or... maybe I'm simply not as alone as I sometimes wonder.

With and at, I think, as she laughs at me again.  With, yeah, and at.

Oh... just... watching, remembering, adding, and thinking.  Dames... they... just get to me, even now.  Wouldn't want that to ever change.  Good... morning?  Yeah, and day if you have it left to you.

Just off.

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I was able to be awake until early to mid afternoon.  I can't be sure, but somewhere between 14:00 and 16:00 I had to go back to bed.  Was there a nap earlier?  Maybe.  I am starting to sleep better, become rested.  But I am needing more sleep.  Not only sleeping full rest periods after only a partial day, but also needing naps between full sleep cycles.  I'm not going to fight it, the cost ends up being a bit high... more sleep, and never feeling fully awake.  Yeah, after I have slept, or napped, I can wake more fully.  I just can't maintain it for long.

I have been trying to keep fed.  It's not perfect, but a little or more each day helps.  I can't always eat well, much as with resting right.  I can only do my best.  Unfortunately, I am well and truly out of money until next month.  If I want anything else, I'm pretty much just out of luck.  I think it'll work out.  Oh... wait... I do have pretty good room on my credit card.  I don't like to use it for groceries.  But, then, I can pay that part off immediately as soon as I get my checks in.  Yeah, okay, I'll probably do that later this week or early next.  Gotta have some milk once in a while, and fruit has been great.  At least I don't need to buy meat.  I can go pretty slim at the stores, but fruits and veggies are good once in a while just because.  And even a treat.

I have been doing my best to get potassium back up, and get back on vitamins... oh, and I started the water pill.  I might take a shot at getting carvedilol started again.  The stuff is heavy duty, and yet, if I can get back on top of it, like a medicine surfer, it seems to help.  Well?  Later.  Good morning if I don't post again before then.

Oh well.

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I sleep when I can, as long as I may, and am awake otherwise to varying levels of success at that.  At least, finally, after a few days of attempting to force my schedule around, if successfully, then sleeping as I was able, I feel... better.  I am not tired awake, unable to sleep well, and all.  I can't sleep as I should, or stay awake all that long, but when I do either I am more fully able to be at it.  I am not haunted with fatigue.

I am hoping to figure this out more through the week and do some work around here.  I think I'll be able to make some phone calls today, perhaps get going on some other things as well.  I need to find contact information for my doctor, otherwise the bureaucrats will try to contact the V.A. (who already know, I promise you, that I am no longer being seen at the V.A. (yeah, go fed bureaucracies!), will send information to them, then raise a stink that I'm "not being seen").  Look, as two federal bureaucracies, and as much as you must sign to get on social security, they know probably everything about me.  This cancelation of my disability check is just punishment for not being a good boy.  Heck, it might be another attack directed FROM the Vet Admin.  Yeah, really.

I only have a breast of the chicken I braised.  I hope it is good.  I won't be doing anything like chicken salad, I just don't... have clear and cleaned space to do that, or the energy.  Still, warmed and eaten, if it's good and I think so from the last check, it will provide good energy.  If I can get through half the dishes today, I'll set about boiling more eggs.  Those simply do well.  Oh, and with the fresh eggs, I plan to make more mayo.  Not sure what the problem is but I haven't beed doing that well lately.  This time I plan on drizzling in the light olive oil.  I didn't have to do that the first... four or five times.  Now it just isn't working.  Bleh!

Later.

Sleep is just not right.

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I was up early, took a nap midday, then was to bed by 21:00 almost exactly.  I woke sometime after midnight and could not get back to sleep.  At 3:00 I am going to try to slip back to sleep.  I'm not sure what it is up.  This is unusual, even for me.

I was glad to have purchased fruit the other day.  Apples and pears, nothing fancy but I miss it when it's been a while.  I'll work the salad up tomorrow, work on the meat that was cooked, and have another apple or pear.  Pears seem to go bad more quickly, compared to the apples I usually buy.  So... pears first.  Sometime I'd like to bake those with something.  Just... to be different?  Yeah.  Might have to see which pears bake best.  And a better time for them to roast/bake.  I doubt if they need a full half hour.

Yeah, I'll try to get on back to bed.  Good night again.

Went down hard and fast.

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Some nights I take my socks off, some nights I choose to keep them on.  Never to I conciously choose to take only one of them off.  All night, as I neared wakefulness I knew something was wrong.  Not until nearly waking for the final time did I realize what the problem was.  Yes, one sock on, one off.  I was awake long yesterday.  Crashed hard when I was able to go in for sleep.  I had hoped to stay up a few hours more.  From waking with one sock, I realized I probably pushed it as was.

I went to bed somewhere after 17:00, and before 18:00... probably and give or take.  I slept hard, maybe too hard.  Ever have one of those nights where you can't sleep right?  I actually think I was sleeping too hard to sleep right.  That is how it felt, and how it feels this morning.  I slept unt 4:00, give or take a quarter, which was quite a long sleep.  I still feel pretty shot.  If I were a betting man I would lay a small wager that a nap will be in play, and before noon.

Dishes, laundry, and some phone calls today.  My mortgage company, while clearing me, wrote my insurer saying they weren't involved in my home anymore.  Now that they have retaken the loan, they refuse to talk to my insurance company without my permission.  Yeah, as I said, they are just screwing with me.  This is what happens when you question the remnants of Zero's government.  This will change.  Hopefully we see a lot of these people stripped of jobs and any power to screw with Americans for noticing our government has had a brownout.

A few more things, and a bit of time, and it should be back in order.  Later.

Yeah, rough though.

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I did make it in.  A haircut first, then shopping.  I am absolutely fried.  Wasn't it 18:00 when I got up yesterday?  I dunno, maybe I'm confused.  I am really shot.  I think I'll just crash.  Later.

A bit burned out.

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I won't get it all done.  I have gotten the trash together and out, including clearing the refrigerator.  I ate another meal, though seem to just be missing something.  Medicine was consumed.  A shower next, then setting up some of the dishes.  Not all of them, just... some.  I won't be doing dishes today, though I may cycle the rinse, when I get to that point, as I can.  The haircut is set for 16:00.  Later than I'd like.  It'll be a push to get in.  Tired.

Still, I do hope to get it all going, get the cut, then hit the grocery store.  I should write a list.  What... milk, eggs, cream, butter, cabbage, lettuce?  Maybe apples and other fruit?  I really would like to have some snacks.

I don't think I can take care of some of the other business.  I am too tired and stretched to deal with that today.  But I will get it tomorrow, I am sure.  Just a few calls.  And, if I can find the phone I purchased, I'd like to get that going, then cut my Verizon connection.  I'll just keep my mother on, for local, long distance, and travel.  No "smart" plan and only one line should cut quite a bit.  But that won't be today, maybe not tomorrow.  Depends upon when I can find the phone.

Later.

Food, now that I'm nearing being awake.

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I still have chicken, and roast beef.  But I had thawed hamburger with it and want to cook it before it turns.  It still smelled good.  I have learned to sniff-test all meats.  If it has a certain smell, even a bit, best to just toss.  I hate doing it but I won't eat it and wasting the energy cooking it is a nuisance, and more.  I hate when I've just cooked something up, and my body has readied for a meal, only to have to toss it.  Well, and cooking and spicing meat will add a bit more shelf life.  Plus, there isn't much chicken or roast beef left.  Something a bit different would be good.

I have a lot planned for today.  I'll do what I can.  I best check what time the hair cut is scheduled.  I'd like to keep this and maybe two more appointments going for that, then take some time off from that, see how it works out.  Phone calls, a time to check, a shower after food and then after taking out the trash... and clearing the fridge.  Ugh.  Lots of stuff.  Still, it's possible this might be a return to work week.  I don't feel up to it but I don't care how I feel.  I'd like to start smacking the cave back into shape.  I enjoy working and a clean places.  As much of both as I can get.

On to something else or other.  Oh... watching snippets of history documentaries, so long as they keep politics out and don't go (too far) astray.  A little b.s. is doable, going to happen.  Just... don't botch the truth.  I'm not sure if that is some local, regional, or international thing... or if it's some agenda propositions that have been, or mostly, forgotten, foreign or domestic.  Hard to tell, sometimes.  Though documentarians, sometimes, are just stupid and/or ignorant.  Bleh.

Later.

Sleep and all is sort of just shot.

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I can't remember exactly when I went to bed.  More because I pushed as far as I could.  Was it noon, 13:00, maybe 14:00 or later?  As I near the edge of a majory push into wakefulness thought becomes rarified and memory drifts into dream territory.  I woke at 23:00 though, pretty much close enough and for sure.  I tried to sleep longer, and, being that I woke several times a few and single hour before that, and was able to go back to sleep, I did well actually.

The trash has to be collected and put out.  Yeah, it... more than needs it.  Beside the normal stuff, I have something in the fridge.  If I get that out, I hope to get a shower, then do some dishes.  Maybe clean a bit more in hopes of gettign even more trash out... just clutter trash, but it's always good to have that gone.  The world is a creepy place, when it comes to... what is around us, what is required to live.  Yet we all have to live with it, deal with it, our own and even others sometimes.  Rather than learning to hate, perhaps, wherever we are, we should just go with the humility of it.  If someone does this for you, be grateful.  If you live in a clean house, and don't do much of it, or any of it?  Yeah.

I'll try to get to work this week.  I've set up a smaller medicine grouping for this week.  Potassium, vitamins, and the water pill for now.  After I feel more caught up, I'll hit the rest.  Oh, while I won't buy more losartin... too expensive for too little good, if it has no side-effects, I will take the rest of it.  I am adding it to my routine for this week, and on until it is gone.  It only ever brought the b.pressure down by two to five points, barely measureable.  If it does other things... it did seem to smooth life, but not... critically.  Money, money, money, and reason.  I have to do what I can, as I may, and no more.

I have an hair cut on schedule today, too.  Which I mean to make.  I'll do just a bit of shopping while in town.  Cabbage, salad, eggs, cabbage, butter, milk, and cream.  The goal is to keep the costs way down.  Just the cheapest good foods that might last a bit.  And I need to call the social security office, make sure they actually did change my address (though, now that I think on it I think I got a print out of that), and figure out what is really up.  Oh, and give them my new doctors contact info.

So... there is all that.  What?  I don't know.  I'll read this when I am more awake, say a prayer in hopes God can keep me on track and...  We'll see.  Good morning, day, and start to your week.  Bleh?  I know, I know.  Good fortunes!  Right after caffeine and food?  Yeah.

Lights out.

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I went down so very hard after that last post that I can't remember the time.  I looked at the post, for the time.  Having just woke... I think it was 5:58?  Close to 6:00, I think.  Though I am not sure if the time is when the post was started or posted.  I'll be checking.  Oh, and if uses the computer time, it will be off.  Though I think there is some weird time distortion when I post.  As I've suggested, no matter what I do to fix it, it remains.  It is for an emergency shut-down of blogs and the ability to eliminate posts that might print something they don't want out.  If they have found that is not enough time.  By far too little.  *blink*

The thing is, I woke a bit after 18:00.  That would be a twelve hour sleep.  In my condition, it's probably needed.  All good.  I'm still remember that chicken with a smile.  And it didn't just sit in my stomach, as food sometimes does.  I am looking forward to a cut of the beef roast as well.  I'd sure like to work some of the leftovers into various things though.  Not sure I'll get to it, this time, but it's on my mind.  Funny how foods from childhood creep back into the imagination.  Even foods I didn't like or consider a favorite, then, but suspect I will now.  Sure appreciate what my mother did, more, as I do some things myself.  I couldn't raise a kid alone, I don't eat, so cook, let alone shop or such often enough to feed a child, or even a wife.  If she doesn't cook, depending on my current methods, she'd starve.  I eat larger, more, and rarer.  Most can't do that.  I am sort of stuck with it.

Well, I'm on to something else.  Later.

Wow. Nice.

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The beef just finished, and is resting.  I won't have any of that for a while.  But the chicken was fantastic.  I wasn't sure I would eat the breast meat.  Often it's too chalky, dry, even bitter.  This was very good.  I'll bet money the beef is excellent as well.  The aroma tells much.  I really needed some food.  I got it.

After the beef is cook enough, I'll put things in the fridge.  Right now, just in a big bowl with clear-wrap.  When I wake, beside testing the beef, I'll cut things down to size.  Wow, truly, pleased, fed, satisfied, and hoping to get some rest this weekend, then get to things this coming week.

While the chicken wasn't pretty, rosemary, thyme, salt, and pepper... the right method for the right time... and I would have served that to company, happily.  Finally, I found the right chickens to buy and am figuring out the rest.  Boy am I full though.  Good night.

Braised chicken and beef.

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Well, that is the plan.  I have set up the cast ducth oven, and will be doing the chicken first.  I am baking veggies currently, though I should get the chicken out, spice it, and let it come to room temp.  Then I'll sear it, add fats and water, then cover and let it cook for... half an hour, forty five minutes?  No pun, but I generally wing fowl cooking times, whether roasting, broasting, frying, etc.  They say temp will tell for sure.  And it would if... it were at all as accurate as they say.  Hmm?  I mean, checking the thickest part of the thigh, but without hitting the bone, is supposed to tell you the doneness of the whole bird?  I've never had that really work.  I suppose if you are...  I don't know.  All I am saying is I do much better going by scent, appearance, and even then going a little farther.  Yes, I have served many birds, duck, chicken, turkey, if not good yet.

After the chicken, I plan to do a beef roast.  Meats for the week, really.  I am also hoping to make potted beef and chicken salad.  For variety and... just... curious.

I realized timing was odd, so went and prepped the chicken.  Cleaned it and the giblets, spiced, salted, and set to rise to room temp, then checked the ducth oven.  I ended up so busy fussing with that I lost an hour or two.  Oh, but the chicken was wonderful.  Hmm?

I have been becoming used to working with meats.  Beef and pork is easier.  But chicken and other bird from time to time is good.  I should do those tiny chickens again as well.  The thing is, at first, working with raw meats frequently is... icky?  Yes, that would be one term for it.  In time, with familiarization, it isn't so bad.  However, it will always be a bit off.  Though too, as I have improved my ability to spot, and acquire, better meats, and birds, the experience definitely improves.  This chicken was not greasy, or slimy, or weird smelling.  It was firm.  Wet?  Bloody until I rinsed and dried it?  But there is much better product to work with, and this was it.  Yes, that helps.

I ended up cooking the giblets while heating the pan for the whole chicken sear.  Just a dab of things, not much too it.  Fried well, seasoned, and eaten while I was searing the main part.  A wonderful little kitchen treat, and something to forstall the hunger that can set in while cooking.  Then I finished searing, and finally put the bird in.  Oh, I haven't been used to having a convection option.  I am using that for the first time.  I don't think it will make a lick of different, with a whole bird in an enclosed dutch oven.  It's... more of a matter ot putting it my mind that it exists.  Better for split level baking, for cookies, or varied veggies, or some such.  I may have to research that feature.

I actually plan to eat half that chicken.  Though prep the beef, sear it, and get that going while the chicken rests.  Well... I'm trying to do something.  I haven't been eating right, well, enough, for a while.  I'll try to fix that.  I best spice, salt, and get the beef warming to room temp right now, actually.  Later.

Couldn't sleep much.

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It's not on my regular schedule, which is quite off.  I am not sure how long I slept.  I believe I was still awake at 14:00, though how much after I can't say.  I crashed pretty hard.  I woke somewhere around 19:00 to 20:00.  I mostly did my waking rounds.  Tea, blog reading a bit, Gab, a few newsish sites, trying to wake.  I don't feel the best, but that is too be expected.

Finally awake enough, I decided to look at the paperwork they gave me to sign.  First, they didn't seem to update my address.  Second, this paperwork has nothing to do with a new address.  It is the first complete reassessment of my disability that I have had in twenty years.  I will call Monday, check on my address, and find out more about this.  As I said, they gave me a address form to change, then yanked that, then told me to wait for someone who was supposed to talk to me but never did.  Then as I was being skipped again, and talking to another about it, they called me up, handed me these papers, and didn't explain anything.  Just sign, I was told, and leave it in the drop box.

So, my check will not even close to be forthcoming.  This says it allows them to look through any record they wish.  But what records do they even know about.  For one thing, I am seeing a private physician at this time.  Yeah, they are in it for blood.

I made it.

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I have no idea if the trip meant anything.  No one actually talked to me about the form I was handed, after two hours, with an indication of where to sign and nothing else.  They said I could just sign it there and turn it in.  Without reading it or explanation?  No thank you.  I'm not sure I have a choice.  But I will make copies and read it over.  If I have questions I will call.  They really might not answer.  I'll tell more when this has been sorted.

It is a good thing I stayed up and went early.  Beside the time it took in office, the weather was nasty.  While, for the most part, it wasn't near freezing... except in the pass which was a bit harrowing... it has rained for a day and a half now?  And it has been warm.  Plus we had buckets of snow, and that is melting!  Only on the way back, but around the Wellsville rout I ended up going through many noted and not flood zones.  Some only an inch or three, some as deep as probably six inches.  Sometimes it was obvious, sometimes not.  I learned to go very slow.  Was glad to have a trucker ahead of me, at first.  Then I realized it didn't mean anything to him.  I couldn't really keep up, safely, and somehow he never gave any warning.  Tight.

I have driven through flooded areas before, just not when it was this fresh, ongoing really.  Or many just not this severe?  It wasn't to the point of washed out roads.  But you didn't even want to hit an inch or two at any speed.  I was very pleased to back into the garage and get in, calling it a day.  I'll look over the paperwork sometime this weekend, see if it makes sense, call Monday if need be.  Burned out in every way.  I'll... tell you more when I can.

I'll have a tea or two, then hit it.  I am well and truly burned out, but so burned out I can't just crash.  I'll have to... peak, then drop, and finally crash.  I'm still in the air on the way to some target.  More so as I am not sure the trip actually did anything but create more paperwork, more trips, more calls.  I don't think it did anything.  I would have to trust they were honest, and mean to do their job.  To say the least, I am not convinced.  We'll see, once I do some sorting, send it in, and get probably some sort of denial I again have to work through.  It's what I have to do, just...  Don't think I don't get it.  I wonder how many illegals work in there, how many antifas or sympathizers, etc?  That is what I was facing.

Later, or good night.

No sleep.

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Realizing it just wasn't going to happen, the other option is to go long.  Since I didn't sleep, or work, I am still clean from my shower later last night.  I simply need to do minor grooming, dress, and be on my way.  If I think I will stop for breakfast.  Something small, simple, but enough.  And coffee.  I have the directions, and will put them in my jacket.

I can go at any time.  Traffic will be a bear for a while, though should mellow in a few hours(?).  If I have breakfast closer to where I am heading out, that'll buy some time.  The morning rush hour from here to there is nasty.  Though I don't have to push, so I could just pick a spot in the slow lane and dawdle.  No, the slow lane is not the right lane.  Some people.

I am pretty sure I bought a phone, one that is corded all the way around.  The handset is corded, I mean.  No radio transmissions.  I need to find that, see if my connections works.  I just don't want to spend time, quite yet, looking for it.  Yeah, I'm probably done with wireless.  Once I get that set up, I'll end my connection through verizon, for my part.  I can keep that phone with, and charged.  It still works for 911.  Though I might not even do that.  I don't like being tracked, and possibly eavesdropped.  It has simply become more of a liability than a service.

Oh, sure, laugh.  Just remember, I had one of the first cell phones.  Guess what?  They laughed at me then, too.  You'll join me, in dumping it, and very possibly sooner than you think.  All you need to be is stung once and you'll figure it out.  Oh well, I best be going.

Oh, so very good.

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I'm finally up to it.  A shower, brushing teeth, this and that other thing.  I am so behind in cleaning.  I don't have to travel to find a mess, but I can't really catch up.  I'm thinking this video might be the way I have to go.  I'll... have to wait until I get caught up financially, then... get a quote.  If between help and myself I can get on top, then between all keep it that way, I'd... sure be a lot happier.
There is only so much I can do, and only some of the time.  But I do like it clean.  I like myself clean.  Then again, not as a kid, not in the service... we live in a dirty men.  And men who go out, under, over, through the world to do what they do... just have to deal with it.  My illness is just a homebound way of doing what I did, in a way, when I could get out.  Still... clean is good.

As well?  Since I can't wash in water as often as I want, due to hands drying out?  I have two sorts of non-water hand cleaners.  One with alcohol for when I feel too... vulnerable.  But that'll dry worse, so I have another kind.  Yes, yes, I... love to be clean and most of the world grosses me out.  Have you ever handled a chicken for roasting?  Nasty!  Anyway...  Another problem solved.

And some of us are just extra lucky in finding the worst of it.  Who knows, that might be why I survived.  They say a little poison is good for you.  I've found my share, rolled around in it, ate it, drank it, and that was the accidental and incidental.  *help!*

Man do showers feel good.  More so after 'being on the road' for a bit too long.  Good night.

While I couldn't get to town, I hit something else.

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One of my email accounts was down.  I had forgotten the password and haven't been in shape or a mood to track through that.  Simply, as problems go, it was a lesser one.  Yes, the lesser ones add up, but until they do, or it gets bad enough, I simply don't muster to mess with them.  I took care of that tonight, and got another bird with that stone.

I signed up for a phone, a home phone.  In a 12 month, I get it for $14 extra, with messaging.  Long distance, even Canada, all that jazz.  I got another message from Verizon.  This time it was clearer.  They do owe me about $500 and change.  They don't just pay out though, who knows when I'll be able to get that money.  When the new phone is up and working, I will cancel the cellphone.  I'll keep my mothers' phone operational, unless they fuss too much.  No more smartphones, just a stupid phone, just one, and not for me.  Actually, it turns out that it's more like just $10 extra a month.

That'll save me a bundle and I don't have to mess with advertising, spying, cracking of my phone, the stealing of data or info through the air, etc.  I'll miss soduku, and will need to get an ereader.  But the best ereaders are about the cost of my smartphone montly cost, but one-time.  Yeah...  Cutting cords, and costs, and troubles, left and right.  Eventually people, and they, will figure it out.  Ma Bell found out.  They all do.  And no one even looks back.  Greed has a price.

Burgers, tonight.  I thawed meat for tonight, and that was my want.  Tomorrow I am hoping to roast a chicken, perhaps a beef roast as well, so as to have food for most of next week all ready.  Boiling eggs too... if I have energy when I return home.  Depending on how it goes, I might be rather lifted, elevated, ready to cook to get ready for what else life holds in store.  I want to work instead of mess around with bureaucrats, thieves, and whatnot.

I am hoping to get a shower, yet, then air dry a bit, then to bed, while it is still earlier.  Wish me luck?  Later, or good night.

Not quite today.

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It just took a little long.  I could, possible, get down there, more or less in time.  But who knows how long the wait to be seen would be.  Every time I have been to this one it takes... a long time, an half hour to hour, to be seen.  Once for myself and once I took someone else.  In such a case, showing up today would mean another trip tomorrow.  On some things I am not a betting man.  So, tomorrow it is.  Although, with everything clear, and shower to be taken soon, and probably again tomorrow, I might be able to shove off right after waking.  I just have too much... holding me down today.  And the timing is wrong, it's gotten too late.

I am amazed, on Gab, when you write something on a different topic?  And people begin tagging it?  Political operatives will move in to tamp the notion, or you personally.  Can't be sure with this types, though it might be either or both.  They pull something out from so long ago you had forgotten you wrote it, and leave it as stink bait.  I have begun calling it out, so people can begin to see the propaganda war that is truly being waged against them.  It isn't just on television, or in the papers or magazines, it's not just on billboards.  It's in their churches, it's from their school, it's even right their at Gab.  Either be herded, and pay the consequences, or begin learning how to spot the enemy.  I promise you, if they are herding you?  It's not for your own good.  They are trying to corner you into supporting more immigration, illegal or not, or to talk you into weakening the rule of law in other ways, or to support abortion and fatherless families.  They always have an agenda, and often the left is nearly a unified force.  A force against what is good, decent, right, and truly Christian.  Look closer when you are being herded.  Those aren't kindly smiles.

Oh well.  On the good side, I am up, doing better, feeling better, and getting ready.  The horizon has much on it, but things I want to do.  I always have more to do than I have time or other means.  This is a good thing, for now.  I am sure looking forward to the shower, save that the scrape on the leg will be uncomfortable to negotiate.  I ripped a good four by two gash in it.  It's closed over, but still has that burning stinging thing going on.  I know the shower will exacerbate that, especially when soaped.  Yeah, gotta do it.  Just don't want to.

Later.

Up and at it.

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I woke at a pretty good pace and at a reasonable hour.  It didn't hurt that the drive is clear.  I can't tell if someone worked it or if it simply thawed off.  Though I suspect someone did it.  I'll look more closely when I go out.  That added a little speed to my step, I must admit.  Something about not having to face that when weak, or weakened.  Oh, my pinkie if finally back in good order though.  Not that that ever stopped me, it's just I can use that hand without causing occasional throbbing through that hand and arm really.

Yeah, a shower first.  A good, solid, deep cleaning, sudsy, double or triple wash shower.  Hot, extra hot, and a bit longer.  Being just a bit before noon thirty I have the time.  Thankfully, one of the last things I did before realizing one of my checks wasn't coming in was to fill the gas tank.  Just this one last piece of business and, either this month or next, I'll be back in the black and on top of the surf, rather than tumbling through it.

Dreams.  War.  Some terrible enemy who had been attacking for some time, the leader, captured.  I was showing him mercy, by putting my sword through his face rather than turning him over to my less than happy cohorts when the alarm went off.  I can't remember so surely ever having killed a man, and in such a way.  I suppose I have dreamed of shooting men, and killing one by hand... broke his neck since my firearms were stowed and the meeting was a surprise.  But never have I dreamed of killing a man with a sword, in war or duel.  Anyway.  The alarm sort of ruined it.  Like to kill?  How about like to survive, and win, against aggression?  Yes.  Could, and would, do that all day long.  Well, in theory.  Too old now.  Could probably only do it until noon, then I'd need at least a short nap.

I'll try to keep my browsing and such short.  But I do need some waking time.  I don't have a pull start.  Electric, and the board is a bit corroded.  It'll get there.  Hmm, I'll have something to eat along the way, too.  Nothing fancy, just something.  Gotta have something.  Just haven't been doing right by food lately.  Can't eat as much as anything.  All good.  Today I will eat.  Later.

Getting to bed early?

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Maybe earlier.  Ugh.  On the good side, while I haven't gotten out to shovel, the temps have been staying above freezing, so I shouldn't end up with a frozen mess.  The hope is, if I can get to sleep now, set the alarm for eight hours and change, get up, shower, shovel, and then figure out where I am in the day.  I know it will take a bit to shake off sleep.  Ugh.

If I can't make it "today", there is yet tomorrow.  And... from now on, really.  I have instructions to get there printed and ready.  It'll take, give or take, an hour to get there.  They close at 16:00 (or something).  It will be tight no matter, unless I wake early, fast, and hit it running somehow.  It has happened.  As for anything else, I'll just have to wait and see.  If the check does come right through, I'll pay off the mortgage for this month, then see about the hog.  And... anything else out there that is lagging.

Good night, I hope.  If you wish to pray for some extra bit of spit and energy tomorrow, I'd gladly take it.  Yeah, good night.

I... am... trying?

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Well, yes.  I think that would be it.  I think the various attacks are not only an attempt to take the home, it's also to stress me to a heart attack.  Yeah, it's how they work.  I've noticed the phone doesn't give the same start that it used to do.  They have changed it.  Yes, it was triggering heart attacks.  I think, eventually, you will understand just how nasty your government, as a network of bureaucrats, has become.  They hate you.  They deserve more, while doing less.  They have become weaponized against you, using tech, government connectivity, basing it on health and politics, and perhaps other things.  If you piss them off, they will run you through the ringer.  Have you been audited by the IRS?  Have your finances been disturbed?  Heck, I have heard of a family whose home was foreclosed... in spite of it being paid off and that mortgage holder never having been a holder of the loan on that home.

Just bureaucrats?  They may just be a tool.  Billionaires who get pissed off, often renting, perhaps outright owning, a or several senators, can attack through various means as well.  You would be surprised how thin-skinned these monsters can be.  The Koch brothers have proven to be just globalists in sheeps clothing, and there are others.  Most of them, it seems.  Trump?  He wanted the presidency, figured how to get it, and it seems is keeping his side of the bargain.  It was a business deal, for him.  And, yeah... looking good.  And, yet, if you get in his way he will take you down.  So far, and from my perspective, rightly so.  That is the life and way of a billionaire.  He isn't even close to the only one among his peers.  He just does it more publicly.  Cool.

Whatever.  I meant to have a drink or two last night.  Cut the edge, ease the nerves, let down just a bit, and maybe get to bed early.  Well, uhrm, the best layed plans?  Yeah.  I don't think I shot any lights out, or danced on any tables, or invaded any foreign nations.  But I did get deeper into the cup than intended, and had some fine sparring... I think.  I don't hate the woman, per se.  And, really, when a woman brings me that sort of anger or vitriol I take it, usually, as a form of flirting.  But she is married.  I like her husband as well as I know him.  And, she is married.  Yes, that is worth writing twice.  Gosh, I miss the days though.  So, at least for me?  I did enjoy.
Look, peace is nice, can be good, but man doesn't live on bread alone innit?  HoYeah.  So, yeah...  Still, waking was tough.  I'm dragging still.  I didn't think I had that much.  Maybe I've just become a lightweight?  All good, it's cheaper.  Though I'll have to keep that in mind.  Or maybe I lost track a bit.  Then again?  That's the first time in, years now?  Yeah.  I'll avoid that, really.  Once every few years?  I'll take it to the confessional.  Yes, I will.

I'll try to get some things going.  I tore my leg last night, so socks are going to be uncomfortable (no, before I had a sip, just caught it on something).  A shower, perhaps shoveling if I can, and then maybe dishes.  Well...  It happens.  And... it wasn't all bad.  Dameger, Will Rogers, Dameger, Dameger!  *grins*

Now, back to life planning.

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What do I have left?  It looks like, mostly, mopup from the attack.  There are some practical physical events remaining.  Driving and shoveling, talking, filling out forms, and all that jazz.  It appears that life is about to be set back on track.  So, planning.

Something I purchased, but had not figured out, set up, and all, was an automatic watering system.  Why?  Because, even when I keep up on their water dish, the small volume means that it gets... gnarly... fast.  Even cleaning it daily sees muck being generated, some days much more so than others.  Or they run out quickly.  Some days are simply drier.  This will offer a larger volume, that moves through a filter, and simply needs to be filled, and cleaned every two weeks to a month.  There are two types.  I went with the stainless one first, good enough for winter.  But for the summer I may buy the doubly expensive pottery system.  It will keep the water cooler for longer.  So... that will be arranged in this next week.

Next?  I need to get back to housecleaning, cooking, and all else.  I have fallen down on all of that.  I simply haven't been able to run the machine (me) on that many operations at once.  The first task is to catch back up to where I was.  Then begin in the bedroom.  I think, with a week or two of solid effort, I might be able to seriously kick off and get back into the sprint that is life.  Oh yeah, I think I can.  It will have to, mostly, wait until I have the check back on track, and probably just a bit of rest, maybe a week, or even just until next Monday?  Ugh.

I'll be calling my mother shortly.  I am sure it will be a relief for her as well.  Almost back on track.  Then I just have to keep the house paid up, then get the paperwork in for auto-payment and make sure it stays on track, then I'm good until the next attack by the bureaucratic "antifa"s.  Yeah.  Get them, Trump.  They aren't just your enemy.  Later.

Okay. Maybe.

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I did get in touch with someone at the SS office.  Ogden is as close as it gets.  It is a 'secure facility'.  No problem, just would prefer to go to a place that doesn't treat American citizens as criminals before a crime is committed.  It will have to do.  I was told I do not need paperwork, just id... in person.  Over the phone I would have to give my exact previous address.  Thankfully, and hopefully.

Since I have been unable to find my ss card, I'll apply for one while there.  I can't make it today, obviously.  Tomorrow they are only open until noon, so that is probably out.  And I may have to push to make it up and out the following days.  Of course, that means, I will have to figure out my driveway between now and then.  I do not know how long it would take them to deposit the check.  At this point, I am assuming I wouldn't get it until next month, at least.  I have learned to have low expectations.  Either way, I can do that.

I have considered whether to change, or attempt to change, my bank from the Iowa bank to here.  I don't think, at this time, that I will.  It limits how much could be stolen from my account.  All in one basket means it could all be stripped in one fake transaction.  I haven't had that yet, but the bureaucracy seems hellbent on screwing with me, for the moment.  With two accounts, and really three, taking it all would be a little more complicated.  Having just a bit of fiscal wiggle room helps in dire straights.

I can almost take a breath.  Met a guy on Gab going through the exact same thing.  When I busted his chops about something, he thought I was a .gov mole... until we figured out we are both going through bureaucratic hell.  I'm not, by far, the only one.  And they are ramping it up against any who naysay them.  Watch yourselves out there.

Later to bed, thus awake, than hoped.

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I simply don't have a lot of control.  Stress messes with things and that compounds.  Still, I am up early enough, probably, to call the office and find out about the check.  I just need to wake up a bit more.  There is nothing like talking to a bureaucrat who doesn't give a rats ass, and employs any number of passive aggressive tactics when talking to one of use peasants so as to avoid actually doing their damned job.  Most of them seem to think their whole point of life is to such as much off tax payer, per person and unit than to actually do what they were hired to do.  They see us as their enemies, and treat us like it.

It rained for a bout a day?  Then snowed.  I... will have to hope that isn't a sheet of ice out there, and will have to clear it either way before I can go anywhere.  One more problem.  And?  The world is problems looking for solutions.  Never one solution, never one problem.  I'll see what I can get done when I can do something.  As I have suggested, I can limp by, without that check, barely.  I've had worse, like living on that alone for the first five years.  Later.

Oh, right, well?

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I can't be sure, the mind is still a bit foggy.  Just too much.  A long fight, ongoing struggles, too little sleep, awake too long and still somehow too much sleep, good news, no news, potential bad news, and just the long stretch.  Plus, knowing that what was said today may not hold tomorrow.  No worries, that is life for those in the fast lane.  It's been a while since I was there.  I remember it well.

Called my mother with what seems the good news, and to let her know I'm still working on things.  I don't need her to call, specifically, for the rest of the month.  But I will have her call me around the first of every month until it is all set back up on auto-pay and things are clear.  Which, possibly, should be done by April or May.

Tomorrow a call to the closest social security office.  I don't know why they don't have one in the valley.  There are easily enough retired folk here, if that isn't all that receive.  The one over there is inside a fed complex, with metal detectors and asshole guards.  Seriously, they are jerks.  They have that, it is said, because of the FBI (and maybe other offices of that sort).  I still think SS has become hateful enough to Americans that they feel the need for security.  Right or wrong, I'm beginning to think it's by how they do things.  That's not going to work out well for them.

Still, for now, that is what is.  Hopefully an honest, American-centric, president and full admin might actually begin to fix some of that.  After eight years of forced infestation by traitors and their kind, this will be a long dig out.  It looks to be starting, if with a few bumps and hiccups.  Exiling a few knowingly wrong judges would... clear some of that.  Give them their pension, but turn it over to their new host state.  Saudi Arabia just loves their queer and/or secular folk.  And would handle their persons and finances with just as much diligence as they have handled the text, intent, and spirit of our laws.

Well... Later, or good night?

Hiding.

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I am not sure the term hiding is quite right.  Burned out, not wanting to deal with more bad news, things like that.  It seems like hiding, it just, that's not quite it.  I couldn't get to sleep until this morning.  Then I could not drag myself out of bed in anything like a reasonable time.  When I finally did, I didn't want to deal with anything until I had gotten going and was ready to face... something.

The first thing I wanted to check was the mortgage.  I waited an hour, maybe two, and called.  Unlike last Friday, they answered, as they usually do, within a few rings.  The automated part takes, and gives, some information.  It was suggesting I was still in debt!  I didn't freak, just... kept it cool.  Then I got to a human operator.  After all the checks, she looked up the account.  According to her, as of tomorrow, the loan will be back in rights.  I will check tomorrow, and the day after if not.  If all else fails, I will wait until Friday, then begin digging in.

I wasn't sure I wanted to deal with social security today.  Still, I did end up looking for the address and phone number of, what I believe, is the closest office.  I found their page.  But they stop taking calls at 16:00.  Being past that, tomorrow is as early as I can begin working on it.  Perhaps I can be to bed at a better time, and wake earlier.  Difficult to know.  Stress just does things to you.  I haven't been able to find my birth certificate and ss card.  I hope to look a bit more tonight.  Who knows what all it will take if those are gone missing.  I need to figure out a secure place to put paperwork, and perhaps some other things.

However, it looks like things are going in the righter direction.  Without the social security income, I can't pay mortgage this month, which will put me a month behind, maybe (I might have a trick, maybe, still up my sleeves, depending on some other things).  No guarantees on anything.  I have worked to be resourceful, but there are limits and I am reaching them.  We'll see.  If that comes in?  I'm clean and easy, across the board.  Next month and from then on will be cake.  Perhaps I can think on... other things now.  Later.

Something different.

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Have you ever heard of a food combination you would not think could possibly go well together?  One of the more recent recipes was adding balsamic vinegar to ice cream.  Ice cream?  Well, yes, even a dirty dog gets a treat from time to time.  Anyway...  I was feeling just ballsy enough to test that tonight.  No worries, I knew it would be terrible, so I put a little bit on a small amount in a secondary dish.  And?

Wow.  That was good.  I have some better, if only compared to typically American, balsamic vinegar.  It's better than what you would find in any general store.  But it is inferior to Italian better, far below best.  Though... there is something odd about Europeans and some of these items.  I won't spend hundreds, or thousands, of dollars on a condiment.  I won't even lay out $50.  According to many Americans, though, I spent WAY too much on this imported goop.  Suit yourself.  Just a bit more is worth it, for me.  And it's not like I drink it.  A bottle of this stuff, between salad dressing and ice cream, and a few other items I will test it with, will last two years, or more.  And, yeah, $10 to $15 a year for a condiment I love?  I can do that.

Not just a Hound.  Perhaps not always right.  But I have dealt with vipers and survived their poison more than once.  And I won't go down easily.  If you are going to do it?  I suggest you just do it.  Shut up.  And do it.  Or prepare to be handled.

We are at war.

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You probably didn't realize it.  Much of it looks like bloody protests, bureaucrats versus authorities, civil and not discussions between people.  It is much more.  Currently it is cold everywhere but college towns and big cities.  In those areas, being white or a few other things may make you a target.  The police in those areas may well not rescue you, for any reason.  They may let your houses burn, your businesses be looted, your car destroyed.  If you are even like me, the bureaucrats may come after your home and income.  But don't think you can negotiate with them.  They know, at this point, if they lose, they will lose hard.

I don't know how much power the presidency has, especially with a weak and corrupt congress.  There is the military, but that has been greatly corrupted by Zero, at the upper levels.  Intelligence has been greatly corrupted, and actually weaponized against Americans.  And, as noted, the police may or may not come to your help.  As to bureaucratic attacks, there isn't anyone to really help.  They feel absolutely no need to answer to anyone but a bunch of rules that don't even make sense, contradict one another, and only they believe they know or can manipulate.

Most will keep their heads down.  The thing is, everybody is on somebody's list.  This will get much darker before recovery is possible.  If it is not bloodless, that actually will spell the end.  America will become the left that calls socialists the right.  All else of real governance will be gone.  This works for big government, big business, and street thugs... until it destroys the nation utterly.

I am not sure how long, though I do know it is heating up.  Is it truly between American nationalists and Globalist socialists?  Is it between well groomed Americanism and socialism/communism, or is that all that is in the fight now?  Is that all that remains.  History, actually, will be the judge.  Though history is under such attack that the truth may never be known.  Historians are socialists.  Watch your step out there.  You, truly, are next.  Oh... and watch out for medical.  They are leftists.  And they may well hurt you for being on the wrong side too.  Yeah?  You blog, you post on social media?  They know who you are and what you think.  Good luck.

A bit surprised at the roast.

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I honestly didn't expect much.  Now, it isn't the most tender, but neither was it that hard beef that a roast can sometimes be.  It does have good flavor, and was easy enough to cut and chew.  I left it out an hour, spiced and salted, before searing then broasting.  Broasting?  That's what I would call it.  An hour in the dutch oven, fifteen minutes under foil resting, then a portion.  I was quite happy with it.  Nothing fancy, with spices.  An Italian herb mix, salt, pepper, and garlic, nothing else.  If I could find fresher bay leaves I might add those.

I've been on Gab a bit.  I'm almost to 6k followers, though with many more I follow who don't return the favor.  All of it is just hobby though.  If I thought those numbers meant something, before, after a bit of dabbling I realize it's... just what it is... not much.  Do not stake yourself on such weird things, and don't think because 6k or 30k people follow someone that it means they are worth following.  Or that if they only have 10 followers that they don't have anything to say.  Sometimes it works that way, sometimes not.  Be true to yourself and don't worry about it.

I keep hearing about this pizza-gate thing.  I've got to tell you, ans I've said there, I am not buying it.  It's not that it isn't true, or that it is.  Elites are some of the most corrupt of all mankind.  The ones with real access to wealth, power, and such?  They do what they want, pretty much with impunity.  They know the AG's weaknesses and can expose it (two different and vital keys).  They know how to negotiate out of anything, or have people who can and do.  If they want to hunt a small aboriginal tribe to extinction, or hunt a pack of coeds otherwise presumed lost on a small flight?  They will, and barbecue them after they are done.  But which does which, and who is on whom's side?  I've left politics behind.  It not only won't, it can't save you.  Anyone who is good, who goes in there, gets lost.  Pared down, over time, until they are either just another blind cog or worse, one of the elites.

Nationalism, not of the socialist or communist bent, would tend to limit that.  At least your elites will be at risk for selling out to foreign, even genocidal to your people, foreigners.  If all nations go back to being in it for themselves, at the basis for their existence (which makes sense or why even have nations, nations being the anti-thesis to Babelism) the level of corruption and the evil of the elites will be held in check.  It's only when it is world-wide elites who rule all where there are no more restraints, limits, checks, or balances.  Even so, politics, like banks, does not play fair and will always end in your loss.  Only to what degree remains to be known.

Oh, I have noticed how many call nationalists NAZI, etc.  Then prove, through their actions, that it is they who are the black-booted thugs.  Now, going out into that, wearing Trump gear?  Stupid.  If you do something, do it for a reason, with reason, and don't go out to lose.  I recommend not messing with it unless it is coming for you, then hook up with your neighbors.  If you live in a city or state that doesn't defend you, or allow you to defend yourself?  Move or prepare to simply take your chances.  Then again, if you live there, you have chosen already.  You probably are just as much my enemy as the people who will be murdering you.  Enjoy.

Good night.

Slow and easy.

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I made it to, perhaps, 9:00, give or take an hour or two, then crashed hard.  I was down for two hours.  Given the givens, that was just fine.  I haven't been able to do much today.  I will be looking for paperwork soon.  I have been doing some of that, I'll just be doing more.  As well, I believe I am about to cook a beef roast.  I am hoping to pulverize the remnants into something like a beef-based deviled ham.  The canned stuff is a bit salty, and has a lot of weird stuff in it.  It might as well just suggest that it is a full 70% edible!  Almost anything you buy, cooked and ready to go, isn't all food.  I don't might going heavy on salt, but there are limits for me.  I finished the leg of lamb yesterday, for dinner.  It really was as good for leftovers as it was the first shot.  I did well with that.

It, being winter, is dark much of the time.  The darkness is lifting, if not so much due to more sunshine.  The days are simply getting longer.  More of even a dirty sun is better than less, if you like, need, or just want more light that is.  And I do, save in high summer.  I am happy to put up with high summer and high winter to have the change though, very happy to trade doldrums, or worse, for alternating seasons.  I've tried the bland weather.  It just wasn't for me.  Better still, rather than quite as raw as N.W. Iowa winters, and tornadoes, here it is much smoother.  Not as cold even when it is the coldest in years as this year.  And while we get more snow, we have more places to put it, somehow.  Plus, we have mountains if getting out and playing in snow is the way.  Oh, and just a short drive away is perpetual spring-like weather.  Although, something to be said for Iowa, at least in the N.W., is that it raised em' strong.  Those who couldn't take it or couldn't use their head didn't make it.  Barbaric, but...

Well... on to... something.  The roast, I think.  First I'll just season it, and let it come to room temp.  That just helps tenderize and get it to cook right.  I'll be adding butter heavily, as this particular roast has almost no fat.  First to sear it, then to baste, really.  If I don't care for it all that much, I'll turn more of it to beef salad.  All good.  Later.

Rested well.

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My body simply let go, came back down to earth, and eased into a relaxed position.  Sleep was as wonderful as I have known it for... weeks.  Sensual dreams.  Just... remembering women who have carried me over the line, at times.  Not necessarily lovers, though not excluding those, simply not focused on that part of my relationship with women.  Of course, any relationship with a woman is bitter-sweet.  I'm not sure if they, or we, can help it.  There is better and worse bitter-sweet though.  These bumps in the night were of the better forms, as when nurses or women nursing me back to health are well remembered, or other tending that women can bring.  Healing through the night, in memories, with women.  Of course there is always the element of their nature, the promise of it in general, that can lead a man back from a precipice.

I can't be sure when I went to bed.  perhaps around 22:00?  Plus or minus an hour, more?  I woke at 4:00.  A bit before but I took my time climbing out of bed.  I had no need to take time.  I realized how early it was and was giving any aspect of my body, mind, and spirit and opportunity to do a deeper check and veto the process if that was deemed wise.  Obviously, waking wasn't an issue.  It is a good day, so far.

light emanating

from the darkness? winter fog;

wearing sunglasses

Oh, right.  Yesterday, when first heading out, and then in the final miles home, the fog was close.  Not so close that driving was an issue, just enough that the phenomena of the fog, with the snow, and with the sun attempting to burn through, made for a very strange sort of event.  I desperately needed my sunglasses in spite of it being rather dark in one sense.  This isn't the haiku I crafted, or even recrafted, since the event and in my sleep, but it will do.  I can't remember the best.  If I do I may write it.

Yes, reading the book on haiku is returning my interest.  Am I learning from the masters?  In some sense, perhaps.  Translation destroys the meters, though that isn't all bad.  It leaves one with the essence, expecting the mind to find or allow for the form.  Or even suggest that form is not the whole or priority?  There is some such notions waiting to be itched by reason or art.  The best advice I read was that haiku is meant to announce the uncommon using the common, or simple.  Paraphrased, and could be taken many ways, if I took it literally and that seems to be panning out by the author of that notion's work.

Oh... decided to get the exact quote by Yosa Buson, when asked if there was a secret to haiku, he suggested "Yes, use the commonplace to escape the commonplace."  Then asked if there was a secret to learning how to do this, he said, "Yes, read Chinese poetry."  ~  Now, I might have enough of an idea of some things to be dangerous.  The interesting thing about how the Chinese write, is that it is based on the poetic to start.  So poetry in a poetic language?  Then again, that was probably a very specific poetry from a certain period or periods for China.  Still, the notions have gone into the hopper and will produce in time.

Right.  I guess I am just saying one is feeding another which is flowing ever to the sea.  So, haiku may be back on the menu, if just as an additive to a post from time to time.  Maybe daily, maybe weekly, though I am hoping to work a few or more in a week.  Why?  One good haiku can say more than a thousand words, more than a picture.  Though... perhaps adding a picture, too, could create a whole novel?  I'll find out, perhaps, if you will have to be the judge.

Later.

Perhaps I can rest.

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I did call my mother, to let her know I had done what I could.  She has been helping me by calling to keep me on track.  It has helped.  If the payment went through, and things are back to normal, I will just have her help me two more times, the next few months, to remember to pay and keep that on time until the automatic payment plan goes into function.  That wouldn't be likely to be in force until April or May.  On the good side, I can make basic payments until then, so as to sort out any messes that are left in the lurch and just catch my financial breath.

After that, when the plan kicks in, I will be up to double payments.  If I have money at the end of the month, sometimes that will go to savings for some bigger items, sometimes it will go toward extra on the principle.  If I can pay this off it ten to fifteen, I will.  But I'd like to get new flooring in the kitchen, a new furnace (and probably ac, and duct work), as well as get the en suite back in operation.  Ugh.  Well, and I would like to get a new refrigerator and maybe a dishwasher next year.

Of course, even if I decide to move along, having more in the house will make getting out from under it, possibly, easier.  Even if I have to take a loss.  It is still cheaper than rent, which might be why the companies seem to want to force people out of homeownership, or some people... if that probably isn't the whole of it.  Politics, of course.  If they are supporting the people who are bashing Trump supporters to death for being "NAZI's", they wouldn't think a second thought of stealing their home from them.  Yes, it is getting very dangerous out there.  Watch yourselves, even in smaller college towns.

I guess I have to wait and see.  I should be able to find out Monday.  And then begin figuring out what my radicalized government has done with my social security check.  Good night.

Sent, but that doesn't mean all that much.

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The amount to send and all the connecting information was gathered.  Yeah, I was running late.  Tired and with a severe headache I headed out.  The bank employees either misunderstood or...  I was rather clear about what I needed and why, and yet ended up wasting an half hour on the wrong form.  Their employees, who send the wires, agreed to do it later than they usually do, though that doesn't mean it arrived in time.  I am not working with people, on that side, who are either honest or seeming even working in good faith.

Some of the information was different than what I was given.  And, yet, it was close enough.  I hope.  I checked the numbers carefully, there were three long strings of nunbers, routing and account numbers.  I had some worry about the cost.  Things have changed, but percentages, rather that flat fees for the service, is what really worried me, especially with social security income gone missing.  It ended up being ~$15.  Fee?  Taxes?  Some sliding scale by amount?  Who knows, though it might be on something printed out.  It was small enough that I simply wasn't worried about that part.

Now, did it get there?  I have been calling, from time to time, since I sent the wire.  Usually I get right through.  At this time, I haven't been able to make contact after three or four calls.  They aren't willing to talk.  They are hiding.  Perhaps they will reject this sum and I'll have to start all over again?  That is pretty much on par with how this has been going.

I grabbed a bite to eat on the way home, stuffed a handful of anacin down when I got home, and am just trying to settle a bit.  I have given up on making contact with the company.  They aren't interested in communicating.  And, yeah, they have told me they are open until 20:00~21:00 on weekdays?  Even if that is EST, that would be 18:00~19:00, and I have been calling since 15:30 or so.  I did what I could.  If I had know the sum was the same I would have sent this out the 1st.  Bleh.  I'll find out soon enough.

Unless I help them find my ss check, I'm looking at $460 for the month, $300 of that covering minimums in accounts.  Tight, but if accepted, I can do that.  I will sleep, game, and read.  Later or good night.  The headache is a monster.

Hurry.

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As I was getting ready to shower, I had a cold fear.  I looked outside.  At first it didn't make sense.  Then I realized it was fog, not a heavy snow or... something.  Almost heavy enough that shoveling the fog seemed possible!  But, no.  I transcribed the sending information, but I best get going.  Had to take a shower.  Next on to town.  When this is done, I can figure out social security on Monday.  Though maybe a call later yet.  Not sure how long things will take.  The drive, both ways, is about an hour... depending on traffic.  With the fog traffic may be brutal, more so on a Friday.

Just air drying a bit before I go out.  I don't want to get sick on top of else.  Not much time for that, but a little.  That and blogging, so as to clear my head.  Later.

You know, it's not just me.

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My bank is not showing my social security check.  It hasn't deposited.  This is the first time that has ever been a problem since I started receiving it.  I honestly think this is federal and state workers acting against me, directly.  This is what Trump faces.  They need to find a way to eliminate workers, get rid of the ones who believe they own our government.  Start with the heads of departments, can just slice right down through the ranks.  It would be good to be able to split the good from the bad.  I'm not sure there is a difference at this point.  Perhaps the bad has become too powerful and too pervasive to be simply removed without just removing as many workers as possible, and implementing changes top to bottom.  Eliminating the union, to allow much simplified firing, would also be part of it.  Reagan was never able to overcome this.  I hope Trump can, or we will be having a civil war in short order.  There is a cost for having an arrogant aristocratic bureaucracy that intends to harm the people.

Now I have to figure out who to even call about this.  I can only imagine the drudgery that lays ahead as I figure out who to call and what has gone wrong, working with people who are purposefully trying to harm me.

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I called.  It was, of course, impossible to contact anyone.  And their phone system is a mess.  They want me to speak, I won't.  I used numbers, and so far, have been able to negotiate the system.  The choice, in the end, was a forty minute wait or a call back in fifty minutes.  I took the latter.  In theory, I should receive a call in an half hour.

------------

Someone from SS called back, a black.  Wouldn't speak up, could barely hear him and he meant it.  They have some address from my past.  I am sure I updated to this address, but they have been extremely difficult to work with, including refusing to send my money to this current bank.  It wouldn't surprise me if they simply ignored my request for an updated address to this address without even informing me.  So, that went nowhere.

Still, I wanted to see about something.  I thought the loan holder had said the wire amount given was only good until the 31st.  So I wanted to find out how much the current amount would be.  I was told that the amount is good until the 3rd, so no update was necessary.  As it turns out, if just barely, I can cover that amount.  So... a shower then a trip to town, stopping at my bank.  I need to rework the information, so it is more exact, for the wire transfer.  Then I will call to let them know it has been posted.

That still leaves figuring out what is going on with social security.  That will mean a trip to wherever they even have an office.  I will probably be required to have a drivers license, social security card, birth certificate, proof of address, and who knows what else.  If I get things arranged with the payment in time, I'll attempt to find and call the most local office.  They avoid talking on the phone there as much as they do on their main phone line.  Yeah, jerks, and they mean it.

Dark days and nights.

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Overcast and cold, perhaps colder than usual?  It seems like it.  Though every winter seems like it, especially in the final stretch.  I was late getting down, due to the leg of lamb roast... which turned out fantastic.  I think I've gotten a bit used to lamb chops.  And, as with someone I cooked leg of lamb for, who wasn't fond of it, I as she ended up liking it very well.  Sometimes, if you cook something just right, even if it isn't a favorite, it can take on a whole different... appeal?  I just had a sample.  I was quite pleased.  Not much on the yearling lamb, which isn't a complaint mind you, just a note.  It's how you can tell you aren't eating mutton.  Well, and the sweeter taste, or non-bitter taste.  Mutton is... much more of an acquired taste.

So why lamb?  Because I definitely like chops and ground lamb.  As well, the only reason leg of lamb isn't a favorite is that it is such a rare item.  If it is big enough for a family, it is more likely mutton, and, as I mentioned, that is a rather severe acquired flavor.  These true yearling leg of lamb would only serve, perhaps, three or four people, if two of the people are young.  Anyway, as I mentioned, this turned out to be a jewel of a meal.  I boned the meat, put about half of it up, had a slice, but then gnawed on the knuckle... it's the only way and I would have hated to waste that meat.  I didn't go down until 2:00, or 1:30, or... something.  I wish I could get my computer to work with the atomic clock.  Or the same one my other one works with.

I have been bumping into dark dreams... understandings... in my dreams.  I have some notion that people are praying for my suicide?  Really?  Really.  A few things about that.  If you are praying for someone else to sin, you are not praying to the God of Abraham.  God does not induce, produce, or support sin.  There is only one who does, and that is not God.  That is a special kind of evil.  Praying for a painless death is pushing the boundaries.  Praying for death at all is rather dangerous ground.  What is it you are supposed to do with enemies?  You love them.  If they are truly dangerous, killing them can be righteous.  Praying for a suicide, or death, is not among the wise choices.  If I am that much of a threat, man up and take the hit through an honest murder.  If you are right, regardless of man's law, you will be cleansed of a righteous killing.  I'll bet that won't work out for you, but... praying for a suicide is so much more seriously dangerous to your soul.

I am not sure I am awake for the day.  I didn't hear it, until I woke, but my mother had called three times before catching me on the fourth.  The phone didn't wake me, but something did.  Having gone down so late, and it being so dark yet...  I may end up taking a nap in a bit, then getting out and going a bit later, as I did the other day.  I'll... do my best.  Good day.

I should be in bed.

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I cooked dinner, the chops, then... forgot about the roast.  It should have gone in earlier.  It only has about an half hour left, so it isn't too too late.  Still, I had hoped, and think I could have been, to be to bed by 22:00, give or take an half hour.  I'll just game a bit, as I get ready for bed.  I think I can.  I'm at a boss, so if I miss I'll lose a lot.  Then again dying would do that anyway.  While playing through a tough part right at bedtime might not be successful, it does get me ready for it the next day.  Usually.

Good night.

Always have to check.

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Dinner.  I will go with chops, potatoes, though the lettuce is looking a bit rough, not sure that will do.  I'll bake the potatoes first, takes a bit.  Then bake the chops a bit before frying them as a finish.  Lamb chops, so I'll sprinkle with mint, tarragon, ground clove, rosemary, and salt.  Actually, I had a leg of lamb too, so I'll just cook it all.  The leg will go in the oven and just start and finish there... after some stove-top browning.  Just the reverse of how I do the chops.  Hmm... while I was thinking on it, I just went ahead and spiced those cuts.  With an hour to get to room temp and circulate the spices through, as salt and the natural moisture in the cuts do, the meat should end up very tender.

I forgot to call the insurance company.  Not much I can do about it in any case.  The goal is to get a shower, get to bed earlier, and be to town as early as possible tomorrow.  I'll call them when I know more, actually.  I'll need to check the balance in my other accounts before heading to the bank with a check.  Messy.  I'll do what I can.  If it just goes right through, I can figure out the rest and do it tomorrow or Monday.  I still have to call back to figure out how much the new balance will be, if it is even still available.  The lawyer keeps sending me four and five pieces of mail at a time, he is trying to charge for every piece, and make it too expensive for me.  I know how this works.  I will find out more tomorrow.

Later, or good night.

Nap.

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Didn't see it coming.  Crashed, hard, but at a good time of the day for it.  If I must nap, noon, give or take an hour, especially when I am awake before 8:00 or 9:00, and I'm good.  I had no idea how long it would last.  I went down so hard and fast that setting the alarm was not an option.  Oh, I thought about it for about ten seconds as I was ambling toward my bed, lurching like a wounded animal.  By the time I was lifting the blankets to settle in it all went dark.  I was worried that I would end up sleeping four hours or something crazy, maybe more.  I dropped like a rock.  Nope.  Just an hour, perhaps an half hour more?  I didn't catch the exact time, only that it was after 11:00 when I went down, maybe after noon?  I think it was 13:15 or so when I woke.  I am also unsure of which clocks the times where taken from.  The computer is 15 minutes slow, the atomic is on time, and the alarm clock is 30 minutes fast.  :p

I need to do some online business tomorrow, then get a check from one account to the other in to my local bank, in prep for some sort of transfer to the loan holder.  I don't know how long it takes for the check to clear, I'll find out then call the phone number.  My insurance company, I just found out, is asking about financing, saying Freedom Mortgage, the company that had my mortgage, is telling them they aren't connected with the home.  I'll call the insurance company yet today, to see what this is about.  Not much I can do until/unless I can catch the payments up.  Still, I'd like to see if this is a problem all it's own, though they seem to still continue to charge, so I don't see a problem there, or yet, or that I understand.

After a call, I might shower, set up some dishes for a fresh soak, then head out for a meal.  Or, well, I do have meat thawed.  Perhaps chops and salad?  With a small potato and mushrooms?  Who knows.  I need to do a bit of shopping when I get to town tomorrow.  Milk and other minor things.  Apples or some fruit too.  I sure miss fruit when it is off-season.  I'll make due, or give it a shot.  Later.