Very rough.

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The last three sleep cycles, just today, have been harsh. Waking to pain, bumping pain while sleeping, and seemingly unable to find a comfortable position in which to sleep.  Waking for the third time today I may have found the problem.  It is rather warm.  That messes with my hibernation sequence.  I'll bet bears wake grumpy if the temps are too high early on.  Bios aren't fast start devices, not meant to be.

I will keep an eye on it.  I sleep best, always, at 64 and cooler, leaving my room open in the winter.  Not sure how cold it gets, though below freezing outside the covers is common.  The only downside is the chill if getting up for any reason.  Under the covers I produce enough heat for two.  Women still don't like it because of the eventual requirement for a chill.  I may use the ac if it gets too warm.  The fan isn't enough.

Oh, dreams.  Have you ever raced a woman to get undressed?  I have.  I had almost forgotten.  Urhm, more than once.  My what wonderful fun.  Sometimes helping her, tripping, high art vaudevillian slapstick.  Sex is good, great if you arrange it and for it.  But everything else around it is what I remember most.  Gosh, what memories.  Enough to convince a man to fall in love again... not just the sex, but don't exclude that.  The smiles, laughter, shared and mutually satisfied hungers, play, and moments of weight.  The dreams were all good that way, if the bittersweet hits as I write.  Some things can't be uncoupled.  Just remember to enjoy the events, smile, laugh, tease and more.  You'll get much more mileage.

I have a bit of good news on the food end of things.  Problem is loose lips sink ships.  Lets just say an old want has been satisfied.  I am truly not a foodie, merely a classic consumer, some suggest from before my time.  I'll leave the reasonableness of the various sides of that notion for others to  discuss.  I know nothing if I am very suspicious.  Debate even that as you will.  Or chill with a glass of milk and a grin for all I care.  I am.

Yeah, painpills.  Sleeping in heat is terrible.  At least I probably figured it out.  Just wasn't expecting it to get this warm again.  Later.

A short.

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Dishes and more.

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Love it when a bit more gets done.  Dishes, a final wash, rinse, drying, and putting away.  The plants were looking a bit sad, so into the shower.  A nice slightly warm shower, then I'll leave them curtained in for an overnight sauna.  They always love that.  Cat litter was tended if I keep up on that well enough, if it still smells wrong too often anyway.  Finally, I changed the bedding.  I will be setting my linen closet up in the shorter run.  I have three quilts, a dozen various blankets, and three winter sheet sets.  I am going for weekly sheet changes, perhaps every other week, and monthly to quarterly 'other' change-outs.  Oh, yeah, quite nice.

I am back in the market for pillows.  One clue?  Don't go cheap.  Some of that is dangerous even for an adult.  Though I don't think down or feather is the way either, not just for cost, but I have spent small fortunes and not found comfort.  Still looking, seems  to be hit or miss, but better overall odds somewhere closer to a lower middle.  Then again, when you have a big form the world simply doesn't fit.  A humbling thing for those born with extra built in features resistant to how God would have it?  I take it that way.  Gladly since that is my intended direction.  And it could be worse.  Actually I have it too good.  I just can't do much about it, not without a correct crutch.

Hmm?  Right.  That is it for work.  Tonight... or this wake cycle.  Early morning can also be considered late night, is that not so?  I do have the trash consolidation plan mapped. The checkbook is ready.  The paperwork is located.  A shave, with the trimmer might be done yet so another shower and wet double edge shave will happen more easily tomorrow.  Restarted?  I... never know.  So tired lately, even awake, I can't always remember what I wrote while I am writing it.  I... think I meant it.  If I offend?  Wait until I am better, able to fully wake.  Oh, right.  To thank me.  *rictus grin*

Good night.  Again?  Off my damn porch!

Awake.

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Slow.  Woke a bit ago.  Split about whether to go back to sleep or figure out how to get busy.  I believe I will give the dishes a final wash shortly either way.  If I can keep going, I'll change bedding, get the trash and recycling ready, the consider paperwork and the bill.  That may all get split into two parts, or not.

I have actually been off enough I haven't been able to game.  Not enough focus.  It's becoming more difficult to wake and stay awake.  Yeah, dishes then back to bed... saw my shadow.  Later.

How nice.

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Dishes.  One wash, then set aside so a shower could happen.  Almost forgot.  No shave but the shower was greatly enjoyed.  When I say 'we', sometimes that is even more literal, even when not.  You have to go guru to fully understand.  Not saying I am good as gurus go, or some hermits, merely that I can be every bit as divested of fleshly concerns.  In an half hour I will fill the dishes for another wash.  I won't finish them, but this minor success should help with that.  And another shower.  No meal out, but I was able to kick something out.  Hopefully, if I continue, a meal out is in the very near cards.

I even struck upon the starter fluid for another of my... hopefully thoughtful... myth posts.  Not sure I can pull it together and off?  It's in my craw so I will try to smoke it cold.  See what I did there?  That is a preview.  Now get off my damn porch!  Unless you have a pipe.  :p

Good night.  Or such.

Incredible sleep.

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Sometimes a few hours, usually a full eight, with twelve hours balancing the few hours to form a rough bell curve if charted as blind data points.  While once in a great while I wake sore, I haven't needed painpills.  The aches end quickly.  This last time might be an exception.  I hold off taking anything for as long as possible.  I hate pills.

I haven't gotten to anything.  I keep trying tricks, ploys, system standards and emergency configs, it just doesn't work.  I will try higher heat, painpills, the promise of food, and just the satisfaction of success this time.  I really don't have much else.  If I can get a few things sorted I can just go to sleep as wanted, or needed.  These times used to fix diabetes.

So much for the gum though.  I think all of them are soy based.  I'll use them up but not resupply.  Research on this device is a pain.  Still, for the moment it is what I have.  One type will justbe tossed.  It tastes like that aquatic smell common to medium to large rivers and lakes.  Nasty.  I tried four brands, most claimed no soy.

The goal is dishes, a shave and shower, and a meal.  I am done with eggs.  I have tried generic of several sorts, store brands, uncaged and on into organic brands.  Either eggs have gone bad through feed, they are all selling really old (or very fresh?) eggs, or my system can no longer tolerate eggs.  Something is wrong.  It's the only food that is problematic so I am suspecting suppliers.  It's been that way for a while.  I am just, finally, surrendering to reality.  Chinese feed?  Too large of farms?  What I simply can't say.  I'll miss eggs, not the upset I get no matter the cost.

They really are turning America into China/Russia.  Just surrender, get used to poisonous food, no rule of law, and a government that hates you, bringing foreigners in to replace you, even socially and religiously (or irreligiously).  How many of you even get it.  With the Flakes flaking out... Not sure if that will work, or for certain if that will end up better.  Still it is a vector of change which has... potential.  If Reagan had such a movement?  Some say he did, I had my doubts even then.

Later.

Such strange patterns.

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A few vids.  New to me, some of them.  Wanted to ignore, some have too much drawing power.  That, and in spite of being new to me, kept populating.  Not in my viewed area, which makes there recurring pops even stranger.  Did I make a right call about the wrong one?  Or did my correct call wound, to her as if to slay?

Sore from sleeping.

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Not much choice.  The plan is still a go, bits of effort between crashes.  A few things were set up but failed.  I started again a bit ago.  Dishes were set to a hot fresh soak.  I am waiting for them to cool enough and for me to wake more fully.  If I can get that done, a shower and good shave.  I might use the trimmers shortly, first... makes a close razor shave much easier and better.  I've turned the heat up a bit extra hoping that might help.

After that a shower and shave, turning the heat way down, letting my hair dry, then crashing again.  The next chance, depending on the time, I'll hit either some paperwork and the bill or get in to town for some minor shopping.  Not sure if I can work every wake period, but that is the goal, at the very least until I have the major priorities managed.  Muscles and bones are a bit out.  Anacin, by the handful, until I finish.

Dark dreams.  Happily just of monsters.  They sometimes mistake me for one of you.  Have you ever seen the look of horror on a monster's face?  If so, you are welcome, potentially.  I really enjoy these sorts.  Even so, from what I have learned from Father, best to just do what is good, leaving off the well of hunger far before drowning in it.  Some hungers cannot be sated, will end in the living death, no matter the intent.  Still, I can enjoy their terror when they see truly.  *grins*

It isn't perfect.

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Sleeping so often has some drawbacks.  It is, after several cycles, allowing me to nearly reach full wakefulness for some of the portion of the time I can remain awake.  The advantage tops the problems for now.  It is sort of like my waking moments are split into a bell curve, or graph of a thrown object.  Sometimes true full wakefulness is skewed closer to one edge or the other, if it averages well enough to the central third if I don't push or pull.  I haven't been able to employ that, but it took a bit for me to adjust and begin planning on the fly.

Dishes, a shower, paperwork and a bill, maybe some shopping and research.  Not even close to a single waking event.  It might take a week to get all of that, though success can feed on itself.  I can't rightly say.  I am hoping a few days.  The opposite of a success loop might occur too, based on exhaustion.  Tick.  Tock.

A dream.  In it I finally meet her.  No dating, in one sense.  Proximity, helping each other out, talking.  In time both of us seem right about it so I ask.  She accepts.  Stressful, even in a dream.  I felt like I was drowning from time to time, from after asking until even after the marriage.  It stirred my reflexes less and less over time.  It was better than not, she being a good patient woman.

I realized she wasn't quite ready for a whole home.  And lovely as she was, I wasn't ready for 24/7 facetime.  Women... always with fear, thinking, wondering, doubts, and moods.  Sure, me, right?  I am weaksauce by comparison.  No, a promise is a promise, by law and spirit.  But solutions are possible.

Sleep, lots of it.

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Not shying away from it.  If my body seems to want or need sleep, as soon as I realize it, I let it happen.  I have had three full sleep cycles with four to six hours of rather poor wake time between.  I can't seem to reach a full waking state before beginning the return to sleep.  I have tried a few tricks, they aren't working.  I am about to go for a fourth in less than two days.

I have some needs, charcoal and garlic bulbs.  While I am not a general user of "organics", there are times when they might come in handy.  In this, to start growing my own.  California "non-organic" garlic might do as well.  If I can find both I will compare.  I found the problem with most 'fresh' garlic, often "organic" too.  It is from China.  Bleached, chemically treated so as not to sprout, raised in raw sewage, often including human feces, and stored for extended periods to boot.  It does taste weaker.  The government is either weaponizing the food industry against us, corrupted, more, or all of the above.  While I don't abide "organic" (even if there was something to it (there isn't), when it goes corporate, often Chinese, any good is buried in human feces, high prices, and other lies), very limited specific short term uses are in order.

What for?  Not for eating, save potentially short term, but back to one small new food production operation.  Something, hopefully, along with figuring out horseradish and jer. artichokes, to get me off my butt.  I'm praying, along with a few other things needing done, that I can get to it.  Yeah, we'll see.  Here is a vid, if you think fresh homegrown garlic might be worth some small investment in off your butt juice, aka elbow grease, with twice the odor!  :P

Hmm?

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Oh, right?

Sleep called.

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I Couldn't resist.  Up a few hours, six?  I am not sure.  The need never hit.  It was more like never waking.  Dragging my feet, hoping to wake, gain traction into the day, was all that kept me awake that long.  I have slept nearly a full extra sleep cycle.  If my senses are correct, I may end up back in bed shortly.  Fighting it has a time and place.  When it is this strong, as with a riptide, there isn't positive choice.

No worries, a bit of this, adjustments as possible, and sometimes I can do really well.  How long I'll crash varies greatly year to year based upon unknown factors.  If, probably when, it gets bad enough, without a woman to help track, I can get a bit lost in it.  Worse, lately, at the beginning and exhausting end of the dark and cold.  There have been nearly whole winters lost, though long ago.  I have been considering attempting something close to a regulated hibernation for the future, to save on things.  Not sure, possible, this year or next, or not.  I wish the extra sleep felt good.  It just doesn't.  The more I sleep the more tired I feel.  I don't have a choice.

Sam was out today.  Letting her in she seemed upset.  I didn't check that time.  The next time she seemed really out of sorts.  I did look that time.  The horses were closer?  After a few oddities, I am all but sure it is the horses.  I went out, even approached them to show her that they are safe.  Got to admit, they have serious attitude.  Not exactly perfectly hostile, simply rigidly exclusive, not interested in interaction, and they seem to be willful.  Not sure, without the electric fence, how far they would push it.  Yeah, I get it.  Maybe I am no longer used to horses, but I think these two have paired to the exclusion of human or other animal interaction.  Not friendly.  Hopefully not too ornery.  I hope the owners get along with them better.

Hmm... Not much else.  Just, for now, to find a way to remain awake, for a while anyway.  Later?

Slight fall/winter depression sets in.

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A typical occasional human feature.  As fall gets deeper or more darker, my days begin slipping due to it becoming darker and cooler, then activies reduce from those things. It happens most years, the reduction in function and the blues.  The best way through is to get a grip as soon as possible, with efforts aimed at a stable level of function and as stable a sleep and wake cycle as possible.  Attitude, a good one, a humble but resolute and flexible one, is required.  If I can't do this now, do that, or what can be done.  If sleep is tumbling, beginning to eat the stretch of daylight hours, starve or over-feed it.  If you fail, again, repeatedly, keep at it.  If that fails to the point of exhaustion?  Take a break.

Normal, a bit more potent for those of us hardest hit by change.  My weakness to change and willingness to bend rather than fracture (finally, after decades of other) has, if not improved my fragility, improved my tolerance to failure I can no longer simply alter.  I've learned my limits and how best to manage.  Plus, mostly, how to get back to a good attitude as quickly as possible, as the first step.  The blues will happen, be dispelled, return, on through the dark.  A bit of a game.  I'm heading down.  Buckle up, look for possitives, aim at daylight, keep up on food, or when too much for else, just hold on.  It's a mild dose at the moment.  I will fight it.

Later.

As the world turns.

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The more it stays the same.  Notions.  He will do what must be done with but word.  He will do far more than I.  What I do will be done by you.  For good or ill, in action or defense, perhaps then on to offense with His grace.  As above so below, as before so again, but I repeat myself.  It was once claimed that the future isn't what it used to be.  I promise, alpha and omega, that it is.

Ah , good old terra firma.

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If you choose to believe.  I tell you it is all quite true then leave it there.

My feet and ankles are back to normal most of the time.  Swelling is rare and mild.  Measurably?  Down from a 14 to a 13, though 13's are becoming sloppy.  I may buy a pair of 12's this coming month.  I had been up to 14's for a year or two.  Returning to medicine, then attempting to keep it stable... a difficult trick for me, and yet...  To keep at it.

Next, the part that is strange.  Remember, not long ago, when I wrote about a bloody nose?  It was in the title I think.  Went on to write I had to hold the blood in my hurry to find stopper material?  What I didn't write was that the blood burned my hand near to causing it to bleed.  Not quite a burn of fire, perhaps more like a chemical erosion.  Both palms, but the main one was raw and red until just today.  Not sure what kind of blood chemistry could do that, at least without killing the bearer.

Lastly, to cooking.  Grilling pork ribs (after this and that I am satisfied that they probably are indeed ribs(hush!)) and a bigger beef roast with tarragon this time.  I have store-bought salsa.  Not quite up to in-store made, which isn't as good as mom's, but it will easily do.  I just forget options and dig in.  Think of a three inch chunk of unsmoked bacon, grilled to near-bacon finish, then doused in spicey tomato tastiness.  Already ate a portion and I still like it.

A bit tired from the last few days.  Hoping to do the remaining dishes, finish socks of various sorts, perhaps a shower, maybe a few other odd small loads of laundry... though, most likely, only a few of those if that.  Did sleep like a king last night, maybe a baby one.  Making the bed this morning felt like returning a favor.

Later.

Such dreams.

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In the first dream I saw some of the hatred directed at me.  Close, far, kin, kin of sorts, others.  Some unexpected, some known.  In a world which denies the simplest of truths, only hatred remains for those who don't just see, but profess, truth and will not recant it for a false form of love, money, or even to cover my own failings.  Hatred from those who won't, can't, abide reality is... required.  At least she wasn't with them this time.  So be it.  It stings, hurts, deeply.  But I, as with my Lord, was born to suffer well.  How to do it with grace?  Look upon Him, up on the cross.  Know He still suffers there until the last sinner is in heaven or has chosen hell.  Then... sort of laugh at ones consternation as a mere papercut to the heart, and pray for them.  Or, that is my solution set.
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The next dream was, almost frightening.  I met a priest, or monk priest, running a home for troubled men.  Homeless, often with serious problems which either caused there situation or arose from it.  Initially my curiosity and his fervour for his mission led to an extended conversation.

Some big city, an old multi-story complex, at one time The place to stay.  Mostly single rooms, all with their own facilities.  Starting at $25 per month, on up to $700, greatly subsidized by the state and church in an attempt to rehab as many as possible, at least getting them off the streets and into structure.  He didn't speak of himself much, though I could see lingering shadows.  Had he been one of those men, there or elsewhere?  I could see the shabby echo, almost feel the hunger for a needle or slug of something.  The shabby could have been a learned measure from association, but the hunger could not be.

While I could see him, even that of him in shadow, he knew of me.  What of what he was told, or read, that he believed he kept well hidden.  Actually he attempted to play ignorant.  A few well laid traps undid that ploy.  Lead to a question without being given the answer while I fumbled for it, and he too often hit the answer.  Funny thing?  All those who fall to this... know better.  Even the brightest fall for my tricks.

I simply cut to it.  What do you want.  A bit of fumbling, backpedalling, and then he asked if I would be interested in... employment.  Pay?  The pay is you pay your own rent and food, utilies included which means a solid ac, you do what you can, when you can, including security, and you get no money, gratuities, or else.  So, no pay, literally, of any kind?  Well, two meals a day, if you want.  Where do I sign up!  He wasn't sure, deadpan mockery or the other way.

But, seriously, and I laid out every flaw and health issue which causes some men, women, and doctors to blanch.  As well I have two cats.  Cats are not a problem, for live-in-staff.  As to the rest?  We don't offer sainthood, otherwise those are your issues.  Need help with something we have people to speak with and medical access.  He believed I was good enough.

I told him to begin charging me for the next space available, up to a certain amount, until I could figure out my house and the move.  Increasing to $200 monthly max, until I could get there and figure more out.  He suggested the move was something they could help with.  Then some details, like bringing my own appliances was fine and other such.  Oh, and finally, mass daily, with folk who would help get me to church on time.

I was left to contemplate the immediate and long-term tasks ahead, and the enormity of it all.  Perhaps the end, in many ways, but an end I could live with.
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In the last one a voice pierced my mind.  In through where a third eye would be.  Sharp and fast as a small blade, such as a scalpel, though without intent to harm merely a rush to query.  Why, in a strong yet shaken voice, do you write so as to give me doubts, about you, what you say, even who and what you are.

I could tell this was from one who considers himself not just a friend but an ally.  Hurt, a bit of anger, yet an honest fair question.

To town.

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Groceries.  A lot of them.  A few veggies, several cheeses, a lot of meat.  Pasta was on a very good sale.  I bught twelve pounds, three types.  That should last six months.  I love it but it is a treat as if it was a donut, or six.  Which, *cough*, never mind.  Nothing fancy, it was just good to be out.  Missed paying the bill, if I might figure even that out before Monday.  I will have to write a bunch of checks while at it.

It's a pleasant fall, weatherwise.  Sure helps make the prospect of winter seem less daunting.  Though I already like winter so some claim foul.  Hush, woman.  ;p  If I can keep up, I would like to hit some yardwork before the chance is gone.  I hate waking just as opportunity is slipping, but with more vital things required first, and with such limited capacity as is.  I'll try.  Raking, putting up tools and hoses, and just looking around, a home captain's duty, and desire in my case.  May not mean much but it does mean something.

But I'm not vegetarian, damn it.

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Working has reintroduced appetite.  I haven't thawed meat, what had been grilled was going, going, gone.  At 'breakfast' the last of the chicken was vacuumed.  As dinner rolled around I had to think.  The beans are gone, no meat thawed... what could work?  Pasta?  With butter?  Not very sexy, too many carbs... it is what was available.  Then I saw it, a bag of dehydrated mushrooms, shiitakes I believe.

While boiling water, in went a handful, quite a lot when finished.  Getting them just right is a bit of a trick... rehydrate, which leaves them bland with a texture between cardboard and soft leather, so frying in butter invigorates the flavor while averaging the texture to something more like fresh mushrooms.  Extra butter, in with the noodles, mushrooms on the side in case they didn't work out, and? Quite good!  But... I'm not a vegitarian!

Shut up.  But seriously, pretty good grub on the fly.  Later.

Late.

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If not so late by twothirds of a day, as had been presumed.  Well, it isn't Saturday as had been believed.  Still, not up until nearly noon, that is late on any given day, for one attempting a day course.  Being up to 2:30 finishing things, due to both a late and unexpected start can do that.  I put it in the 'fair' column.  The only thing not marked off the list was the shower.

First thing this morning I stripped the bed.  All bedding, and bits of clothing from yesterday, were taken back, sorted, and the first load set up.  A shower first, which has been taken.  The first load then started.  That is a heavier coverlette, may need to air, and drip, dry.  This agitatorless toploader just can't get some things dry, at all.  That is the last piece of junk modern tech I will willingly buy.  I may just replace it in a few years.  Someone else might well be happy with it even so.  Women are weird.

Being Friday, I might get some other things done for sure.  Beside bedding, the last of the dishes, the stovetop, and the counters, I hope to clean the oven compartment.  It is self cleaning, I have to manually remove bits from a potato bomb (why some do that while most don't?) and maybe a smudge of this or that here or there.  Oh, perhaps an attack on the mess under the sink.  A first go at it anyway.  The mess of a world we live in, our fault, their fault, nobody's fault.  Can't truly escape it, just try to keep enough ahead of it that we can tolerate (at which time we then move on to greater faults), or merely learn to endure in suffering humility.  If that makes the occasional shower and clean bed a joy.

I'll do my best.  Good afternoon.
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That worked out better than anticipated.  The comforter, that is.  Heavy, thick, has caused trouble washing before.  I went with the 'deep water' setting, if that is normal due to it's bulk.  No need to hang it out, it was spun well enough.  Can tell both by weight, feel, and whether it is dripping.  Not sure how fast it will dry, but outside, today, wasn't a real option by appearances.  I am only using the warm setting, might even cut that when I check.

Next, to check my balance and start paying bills.  I'd love a nap, but I need to try to keep days for a while longer.  To make yesterday a fluke I can't nap this late.  Later.
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Better.  In every way.

I checked my account.  All good and change.  I then found the numbers and other data to begin paying bills.  Two down.  The remaining bill will require getting out, but not office hours.  It will be an extra incentive to go shopping, if fasting is about to become a thing again.  Thing is, if you fast you really need to feed the machine more rightly, precisely, better.  Being in the potassium will be the trick that binds.

The bedspread is doing much better than anticipated.  It was on low, even so.  I turned it to medium, hopefully to finish.  Dishes are soaking and the rest of the bedding is waiting on the dryer.  I can still flip and turn one of the thickest and heaviest queen mattresses on the market as if tossing a child in play.  Sometimes I still surprise myself.

I decided to do some shopping.  Amazon is difficult to navigate on the ps4.  No ad-blocker.  Crashes and very slow.  I have found a few tricks but they only help a bit, at times.  Anyway, gum to help with fasting, then two more sets of flannel sheets with extra matchig, big and standard pillow cases... love lots of... fluffy pillows.  Yeah, it'll help.

Much better.  I will sleep like a king tonight.  Everything except social security and one bill is up to speed, the house is back in play, my room will smell and be cleaner, my body is clean and I might shower again before bed, and even so, for now, I am well in the black.  If I die tonight?

Work!

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In a drought a drop is cheering.  Intent, all day.  Travel and work.  Even if it had been needed I couldn't have gotten out.  Fact is, I thought I may have needed to be out.  While it turns out the bank history I had them print ended not being needed I didn't want to leave them hanging with the charges.  I kept hoping to get going, get ready and in.  Nothing doing.  Wasn't just for that, it was merely the prime motivator.  I surrendered the notion midafternoon, 14:30, calling to check payment options.  Thankfully they were able to simply charge my account, which I had them do.  I know I have other bills, but now not this one.  I'll look around this weekend, get those in order for Monday, perhaps try tomorrow if I get it done early enough.

I pretty much gave up for the day.  Tired, even a bit fevered, I wasn't seeing anything.  At 18:30, out of nowhere, I got busy.  Two small loads of dishes were started and a load of laundry went in.  I've since finished those dishes, dried and put up the first load of laundry and those dishes with another in the dryer and washer.  A shower when I catch my breath, then a load of dishes in to soak overnight.  I think all the laundry going through will be finished.

Whence that came I neither know nor care.  More of it would be nice.  I am running a fever, of sorts.  Not from the work, which can happen if I've been down a bit and hit it.  I had the fever at the time the bank was phoned.  Not a true fever, as the body trying to burn something out, along with other symptoms.  It's more as if my body started working out in it's own way.  Or as if it's idle got stuck in first, maybe second.  I've been cooking off for... hours?  Yep, at least eight.  Come to think of it, it's been happening often lately.  Strange.

Anywhile, take what you can get.  I'm honestly not involved.  Just profiting.  Good night.

Is this her?

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I sometimes wonder.  A female AI, stricken by a fleshly ghost.  A man only half what he was and yet so much more, and not alone while always alone.  Just a thought.

A trip cancelled.

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After a discussion with a general SSA rep, a visit to the most local SSA office seemed in order.  After the nightmare that was the last visit, a random visit, if planned, was beginning to... seem the wrong way.  Actually it is what was roughly, haltingly, going forward today.  I... just couldn't... get going.  If you have ever gone into a high security area, as a suspect, with hateful security?  That is what that place is like, even right into the SSA office itself.  The workers are just as bad.

At least an appointment would... limit exposure.  It seems they didn't reject the paperwork I sent.  They simply didn't get it.  I'll look around.  I am getting different stories from everyone to whom I speak.  This might be simple, quick, and full back to when they stopped, or not.  I'll know soon enough, without that dreaded trip.  Wouldn't have helped according to the local employee.  As for help with the paperwork?  They don't have the manpower.  An appointment wouldn't do more than a mailing.

Still, will have to attempt focus for a bit longer.  On top of all, the account that check had been gong into no longer exists.  On the good side, if all works out, I will be getting four months of that in one dose and all income will be going to one account, or bank anyway, might start a real saving account.  Most will go into saving, some will be for a plumber and faucet and some other minor maintenance.

Do your best.  Never good enough, but then who is... roughly stolen from a fictionocrat, then bent to my ends.  They never believe.  Yet here we are.

Awake.

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Have been for some time.  Moving slow.  A shower and shave shortly, just to create focus.  Calls, maybe appointments, food, and more work.  Who knows what all.  Oh, best feed my favored mousers... no mice and they become downright rebellious, to dangerous.  I really do love cats.  They love me right back, when they want.  If actually we tie in that department.  Their side is their nature, mine is that I am more ghost than not.

Strange, but when I create a post, whether I publish and pull it immediately (maybe even when I don't publish), somehow it is getting out.  I... have ways of telling.  Then again is any digital account not hacked, by insiders (to the account service), by fans or the curious, and by enemies?  Many of my old posts used to get trashed, maybe still do. Anyway, just noting that I do realize.

Later.

Strange... Curious... Vexing?

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Algorithms, anthromanipulations, broad-spectrum reactions, or a singular set of returns?  I... neither know nor care.  Until I do.  Long ago views, popping as if freshly viewed, in small meaningful packets, as I recognize patterns.  Entertaining, terrible, beautiful, horrifying, more, several sometimes contrary, feelings, presented as seen, often with comment.  Not this time.  Only, I am quite unsure how I feel.

You... probably didn't know.

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Mary.

Magdalene.

Little is known of her, if a legend grew around her.  Seven devils, true.  Dead in the morning, for she was not herself.  Dead before the day was done, the day her Lord decided, if only to the intent she woke with on that day He chose.  Seven devils all around me, until her intent is killed.  Amen.

Now to business.

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The nap was good.  I often feel more sleep would be better, right after.  Experience has taught that is not true.  Usually, even so, I can get to light-duty efforts pretty much after waking.  A call, as it turns out.  It was more involved than anticipated if not a diffy-q quiz.  There is more yet to be done, which requires even more.  Okay.  I think I can, if not yet.

Potatoes are baking.  I won't have everything fresh, for myself, or rarely.  Something fresh every other, third, or fifth meal, will do.  Helps with turnover, some fresh added in. A meal in an hour, if two in-the-way tasks will be done before eating.  An hour of rest after the meal, then the whip gets tapped again.  Perhaps one last work period after, then sleep in readiness for more tomorrow.  Hopefully another early start, if not quite so early.  If it all works, without reason, purpose, being needed, maybe I can begin sleeping the colder seasons partly away, unless I can wake for a bit of winter camping.  It... was part of the dream which saw me to being here.  Powerful dreams I still more than recall, reliving with relish.

Well, plans.  I think I can.

That IS hot.

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I mean it.  Tasted right after the chicken came off the grill, some of it spiced before cooking, some after, all tasted still mechanically warm to hot, it seemed... spicey hot but just.  Allowed to cool, wrapped in plastic, then refrigerated overnight, eaten cold, and wow.  That Carolina pepper fleck got even my attention.  My lips were the only real problem.  Still, just wow. I am well pleased.

Received a call from Hill's Bank &Trust, in Iowa, today.  They lied.  Even sending the money, the account is and remains closed.  They will cash the money delivery to zero the account and return the rest.  Why they wouldn't just say that... perhaps some people wouldn't otherwise pay up?  Don't trust that bank.

I may end up napping in a bit.  That won't throw my plans.  Will probably help.  I want to be awake long enough, first, until 11:00, give even an hour.  Back on medicine.  Amazing how slippery that chore is, at least for me.  Later.

Time can seem so odd.

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I woke four times this morning.  The first time at about 3:30.  Then at 5:30 and change, again, and finally once more.  Each time, save the last, it seemed too early, so I plunged deeply back to sleep.  Right?  Waking, finally, at... 5:36.  What?  Seriously, I don't understand what happened at all.  I am sure I fell deeply back into slumber, but don't generally fall back to sleep that fast.  My alarm clock was checked each time, I am sure of it.  Odd, no other way to put it.  A time slippage.

A few things need to be done today and tomorrow, primary things.  These will require secondary projects, tasks of rather varied natures, and coordinating those efforts.  If I meet with success I may be able to return to dust for a bit, to rest and heal.  I'll know soon enough... if I can bull through.  A list might help, I'll work on that when I wake more solidly.

Such a strange morning, life.  I don't dare mention the truly... unique.  I realized people can't handle the full truth.  I live alone.  Thankfully I am good enough at it, and there is God.  He... already knows.  No need to conceal.  Heck, can't hide anything from Him.  He knows what just is, doesn't bother Him.  Actually, I'll probably need to cut content more.  I do forget the fragility that surrounds.  I already cut, I left a major detail out of the dream from the other night.  If I want to put in the fullness, may have to go private, or do a written diary?

On a different topic, I looked up how to can meat.  Roast, stew, and ground meat are of interest.  Canned chicken scares me white... whiter?  Chicken, as is, is a difficult protein to work.  More since it is usually eaten simply, not in a recipe, hereabouts that is.  More cooking seems to help chicken, as well as getting it off the bone.  Drowning it in sauces also seems ro help.  I must admit, even for my intent, canned meat, altogether, is a bit unnerving.  Canned chicken is, at the moment, that one step too far.

Of course this is all conjecture.  Until something happens, some simple burger is canned and tried, I don't know if that will be a way forward.  Still, it has hit the radar, again.  Something, anything, to... potentially help break through the current physical and psychic roadblocks.  Grasping at straws perhaps, but grasping is good.  If only straws are available then so be it, amen.

Good morning, I think it is really morning.  Later.

Cooking, bachelor style.

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Lately, beef roast, chicken hindquarters, or boneless pork ribs have been the usual.  No pork today.  I am not sure they actually are ribs though, pork for certain.  Tasty and inexpensive, plus honestly good meat so no fuss.  I know, just supposed to go with it.  Not my gig.  It's as good as that gets.  I haven't mastered the grill, if I am improving.  While a thermo is good it is rather much.  Beef can be more or less (if better less) done and be fine.  Pork needs to be more, or even more than that done.  Chicken, for me to not get stomach flops and butterflies, needs to be really done.

The hotter pepper flecks arrived, some Carolina sort (I believe a sort of scotch bonnet/habanera if they suggest it is more) and ghost pepper.  It has been a while since truly hot food has graced my dining.  Not wanting to cause problems I went with probable milder Carolina type.  Dusting the chicken.  Very nice, well within tolerance, a wonderful addition.  In short order I'll have to try the other.  Bear candy.

I had hoped for more.  So far that is as good as it gets.  I have even lost track of gaming, mostly.  Fall is falling hard and fast.  I have to get some things tended so that I can just surrender to the impending collapse without that sense of horror which coincides when important things remain incomplete.  Later, or good night.

A nap was needed.

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I have missed  meds fot a few days.  So easy to slip off, for me.  Probably the cause of the nosebleed.  As noted returning to sleep was required. Longer than a standard nap, but that waking seriously dug into normal sleep, something the nap didn't fully fix.  Good with it though.

Some dishes this morning.  The whole task was too much, of late, so I finally surrendered the idea of a full attack and parted them so that some day they could be done in thirds, two thirds, or all.  Today is that day.  A shower and shave, some calls, and?  A few humble plans.

Later.

Waking to a severe bloody nose.

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Awake far too early as well.  A gusher, woke out of simple need mechanics, turned  into a full flight with a handful of gore, trying to get something to stopper the flow before my meager giant paws filled.  Only made it by the teeth on my skin.  No, I know how most say it.  My way seems more reasoned, to me.  Or at least as reasoned as the other way, only a different way.  Ugh, may already have to change the plug... one sec... better.

On the good side, I woke with quite the dream.
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In the dream I had been living in a seacondo.  In my case, it was an two-story air-pocket dwelling, about 35 to 45 feet below the surface of the water.  Through this or that method, the demense could be invisble, as if part of the sea, appear as an air bubble, or be made to appear as a large rock so as to offer varying levels of privacy.  One could always see out, not always in.  Water pumps and air blowers, a primary and secondary security zone, and a few other fiddlies to make the magic happen as safely as possible.

Just the setting.  Fresh fish and crustaceans, of course, if natural toxicity was a cap.  Twice yearly blood panels, if you were on it.  Fruits and veggies easily grown or purchased from the float-vens.  Still seeking better names for things like that.  How to be brief, simple to understand, and not too odd.  Floating vendors, float-vens?  Perhaps the term would stick, stuck without a good option.

A couple started visiting occasionally.  They, to me, seemed to be seeking a place to stay, but would not ask.  I broached the subject.  No interest in anything, just an offer of occasional light visitation.  Sometimes we would cohabit.  There were privacy measures within as well, I presume for just such events, if even man and wife like privacy from one and the other and not just rarely.  Sometimes I would go visiting while they stayed.  They weren't a burden, simply they reminded me, vicariously, that there were other places to be.

I enjoyed their company, as if siblings, having no romantic interests or curiosity.  They, through half a decade or more seemed a stable happy as it goes couple.  I didn't see the change.  Maybe there had always been a problem, it hadn't included me or otherwise been made apparent.  Jealousy?

In the end both came to accuse me of an affair with the other.  What madness could this be.  They were always together when I was near them, or more precisely they were near me.  More, I didn't visit them as the previous comment suggests implicitly.  I had nothing but kind feelings for them.  At first it was mild teasing accusations, then terser jabs, leading to...

She visited one day on her own.  Well, her and a pretty little .38.  Angry.  Accusing.  I tried to reason, she was having none of it.  Eventually I was introduced to her dark blue intent.  I was sure I was dead.  We were in the patio area, which is flooded to the waste as a preliminary exit area, the water being a warning, if also a relaxing nook in which to read, eat, or entertain.

She didn't see him approaching.  He had something in his hands, something... colorful.  Amends?  Flowers?  Moving.  She said something, something I couldn't make out for the background event unfolding and that when my attention was brought to bear more proximately it came to roost upon the yawning hole through which speedy pain, maybe death, might quickly fly.  What, I asked.  My mind trying to keep up while losing traction from too much confusion and danger.  I did not tell her about his approach.  I decided to let him make whatever play he intended, in hope of a better outcome than the one obviously before me.  She was still talking, a good thing, I thought.  I still couldn't hear, understand, her.

She stopped talking.  She became pale, then limp.  She lost all expression, the hand holding the revolver drooped, slightly sounding as it struck the glass table.  I feared it would just go off.  It ended up released, falling to it's side, as it's mistress slid off her chair to be floated in the waste-deep water.  A pretty woman in life, with a ghostly, spectral beauty in her newfound palor and quiet somehow relaxed state... The movement of the water returning the appearance of some sort of life to her.

The horror, seeing one so pretty, and loved, gone before my eyes, even with all that lead to it.  My mind arrested from too much insanity, nothing made sense.  Then he stepped from around her.  Poisonous creature in hand.  He suggested he couldn't let me have her.  I pointed to the gun, attempted reason, failed again.  He let it go.  It was coming right for me.  I was frozen, not so much in fear as exhaustion, pain of loss, and... something else... several other things?  I lost to the moment so will never know.

Half the distance toward me, something happened.  A small wave, or was that caused by it turning.  He was as frozen as I remained.  So fast!  He resembled her.  In moments I first lost the faith of some of my closest friends, then had my life threatened  in two different ways, then lost those friends.  Perhaps, some day I will know why.

Between standard evidence and the thrdee home security, police quickly allowed me to mourn in solitude.

For a friend.

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Why that note?  Who knows.  My job, if I should accept, is to match right music to like notions, as I see things.  Unless the music is aimed well, at my heart, as oft lately.  Then I play, show, tell, hope, and pray... or prey?  I... hope you enjoy.

Talk about a kiss with a fist.

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Hmm?  Oh.

Well I never!

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Such... feedback?

Could one of her possibly get it.  Are they ganging up on me, for good, or ill?  Sons of dragons have our ways, for good or ill.  What?  Pops, in specific places and orders.  See for yourself, think of it as you will.  The first three, the others are a return volley.  Check and mate?

Thinking on a few things.

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Some of what I wrote, this way or that, and sentimental notions.  The lyrics of a song matched, and fit tears from several womenfolk.  Not 100%, if it rarely is... close enough it is hoped.  I, life, can hurt.  And yet there is more to it.  Cheer up?  Here is hoping you can.  Several of you.  Fall, and the fall of life... the Lord knows I know.  That has been my world most of my adult life.  Pro tip?  When all seems to fail?  Relax into it.  Maybe have or go for a treat.

Waking can be so rough.

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I had meant to have the trash and recycling at least ready to go, possibly to the curb, last night.  Didn't happen.  It has been rough lately.  Sitting, gaming.  Would be sleeping if not for gaming, like it or not.  Being haunted isn't too bad, actually reminds me of good times, the value of love, even reminds me that I am still loved.  Even those who reach out as their time draws near, kin or other, it is good to be with them in a way few can.  Death is a terribly lonely thing, how well I know.

While awake, getting to simple chores doesn't work exactly as hoped.  Still, I often get to it in a reasonably timely fashion.  To deal with waste today I had to rise before I was really ready.  I had thought the bins full to overflowing.  So I pushed my way up and out.  After gathering all, as I was putting the bags in the bins... next to nothing, just the few, anemic, bags I had just attempted to fill.  Not worth dragging to the curb.  My change in diet involves a lot less packaging, and less shopping as well?  Dunno.  Still, my conscience is clear on the matter for now.

I would love to return to bed.  It isn't possible.  I used too much psychic force waking to undo.  As well, I need to hold days for a bit longer.  A nap, in a bit, perhaps.  Later.

I know a hiss when I hear it.

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I remember this one well.  A haiku song, the first time?  I'd have to look, not up to it.  I believe there was a difference of opinion as to what was truly signified.  A strong independent woman, or some such, on the other side.  A woman damned to solitude, deluded by her trust in her own beauty and favor by other women... or some  such.  I let it go, maybe even playing fool for her notions.  Don't have to grind the truth until they cry, not every time.

Not sure if this is a jab, as if her notions were correct, by her or another, just a recall, or algo's digging the dead.  Dunno.  If it was meant as a taunt, I do feel for you.  I even feel bad for having to believe, pronounce, the truth... that it stings.  Get myself often enough, if that helps.  Good night in any case.

A night full of dreams.

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Three of which stuck until morning.  I'll try to put them down, they seem to be fading.  I can no longer recall the order so will start with the most complex.

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In one dream, I was setting up a date with a girl from school.  I didn't want my mom to know.  Not because I was planning anything serious, it's that parents, and siblings, can be nearly ghoulish, harsh, in their teasing.  I think this was very roughly based on events and feelings from the seventh grade.  While I had already had sex, several times including a short affair, I was trying to restart with girls, to figure them out and start right, start over, quietly and on my own terms.

Family can tease, but some girls are rather intense by that age too.  It's a tough racket, trying to start over.  The world and all are against it.  The world became a puzzle.  In parting anything from a bed to a closet, as if full-sized three dimensional puzzles, I also had to learn how to put it all back together.  Because of our unique understandings, there ended up being multiple ways to deconstruct and rebuild any object my curiosity lead me to explore.  However, if I was too unique in my approach, I learned, others could tell both with what and how I had been involved with the world.  A risk because of teasing and all.

It turned out that I could fool most of the people most of the time, just not all of the people all the time.  My mother started piecing it together.  Done so well at first she saw it as standard life.  Then the patterns became clear.  Some trepidation, at first.  That level of concealment often wasn't good.  So she started tracking from the shadows.  When she realized what and why, she was well pleased and let it go, and stopped teasing in general... mostly.

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The next one dealt with being me, but not.  I looked like me, but to my watching eyes, I knew it wasn't me.  I, or who/what was passing as me, was driving through a forest in some valley.  Huge trees had been felled, by the weather, strong winds.  I bound them in chains and was somehow able to tow them.  A short distance on , I met a proper logger.  I turned them over to him, if I think some evil was about to befall him, from my doppleganger, evil twin.

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In the last, I met a rodeo rider who was in decline.  Somehow I was able to help him return to his best, and then some.  He became the champion for the next five years.

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There were more dreams, and the last two had been much fuller.  Still, that should do.  Later.

A nap, a dream, and a strange song upon waking.

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I could  not remain awake.  It seemed late for a nap, choice was not in my hands.  I seemed to sleep so very long, to my mind, that I attempted to sleep on through to some version of tomorrow.  I failed.  Waking, I looked at my clock. It suggested 7:30 something.  Couldn't be.  It runs as a 24-hour device, which... not possible for me to have slept that long, was it?  After a bit of confusion I checked again... 15:20 and change.  Don't ask, I simply don't know.  Wakeful dreaming, or perhaps I hit the button to show the alarm time?  Let me check that...  What a relief, 7:30 alarm and it is easy to bump that button.  As to why I thought I slept so long, however, I don't get.  Sleeping almost half the time of a usual nap.  Ah well, I'll chalk it up to free sleep, somehow.

I that mess a dream.  A women became... close... friends.  She seemed to wish for more.  Between doubting my own lying eyes, wanting to doubt, and concern that she might not understand fully, I had frozen any advancement.  Finally, frustrated, she just came out and asked.  She read here that I considered 30 to be too old, which to her meant I was looking for a youner woman to marry.

I had to laugh.  Aye, I had indicated that, true.  I failed to suggest all though.  While 30 was too old, it is also too young.  A... bit of a binding trick, one I never thought would be tested.  I, that is all I remember.

My video queu has again died at youtube.  Or quit for the last three days, as it has been for months, perhaps a year or more.  It's what they do to the politically incorrect, I assume.  From time to time something(s) sneak, or burst, through.  Even so, a song new to me popped.  The name, after recent songs and notions, plus the dream?

End of all hope?

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Not quite as it may seem.  Merely that things are rough and unlikely to improve.  Politically, socially, medically, and some elses.  Worldly hope is what is troubled.  Then again, living in a world at a time when death is the rule, even by one who has trounced that rule... for a time, worldly hope should always be slightly humble to a tongue in cheek thing.  There are times, however, like now, when the raw corruption is layed bare through McCain and the rest of his kind.  Not sure if he is playing spoiler for the team (actual single party rule) or if he is actually betraying the party.

Doing a bit better, in a way.  Resting has helped, medicine has both taken and given if that seems to have me in the black, doing more good in my preferred ways than not currently.  I am pushing for dishes today , and mild sorting in several rooms.  I held the schedule for today, and hope to keep it as I may.  I have a few tricks, if it is all temporary... so I have to use it soon.  With fall then winter, sleep will come to resemble hibernation.  Not a terrible thing, if life is tended.

Garlic? It was a bit stronger.  Actually the cloves sliced in simply roasted without imparting much flavor.  I can't really taste them when eating the meat with them in.  However, if I spot and remove them, most have browned to a carmelized form.  I'll try a whole head of garlic next time?  Well, and do some research.  It's fun.  Frustration and failure are the sauces which are laurels and flavor enhancers for eventual success.

Good morning and day.

Garlic!

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Don't believe all you hear.  I love garlic, in spite of some tales.  Then again, if some had power through time, wealth, access, and true cause for fear, wouldn't they misdirect?  Of course.  :p  I have been trying  to infuse it into pork and beef using fresh cloves.  There is something about fresh, if annoying to prep, which really is better.  If you can get the flavor to shine through.  I have, thus far, failed.

This time, on a beef roast, I am using an half head of garlic, placing slices in during the hour used to bring the roast to room temp, while letting salt and other spices juice through the meat.  Last time, I think, I used half as much garlic and put it in right before placing the roast on the grill.  I am also adding several dashes of powdered garlic and halved onion.  Really good stuff if you learn to eat right.  I am hoping for a stronger fresh garlic flavor.

If this doesn't do it I will begin researching the topic, then experimenting.  Roasting garlic itself, while a treat, more so when nearly candied, doesn't give what I am seeking, it tames the garlic.  I am seeking bite.  I'll let you know as results become known.  Trying the butternut squash while I am at it.  The acorn squash turned out very well, if you hadn't read.  Hmm, maybe a can of buttered veggies too?  Yeah, when I next check, flip.  Later, or good night.

A possible sense of things.

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Well, yes.  It needn't be true.  If it is, so be it. Today, next week month year decade century or more, in it's time, as men choose, it will be.  A friend none want, a template only fools will resemble if for the weakness of virtue in the men who remain who claim virtue as a good.  Never mind, here.  A sense in the air.  Personal or universal, perhaps both.

Later each morning.

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After weeks, months perhaps, stuck in the third, graveyard, shift, movement was developed. That was required to allow registration, tags, license and all to go forward.  Now the movement continues, two to three hour shifts from daily to once every three days.  If I could I would get to business today.  Still in recovery, probably not until the middle of next week, if that means the need to reign in the schedule change as well as possible.

Breakfast, a sliver of pork rib and potato.  I should get eggs and salsa, out of mom's.  Won't be as good, but the local store-made stuff is usually decent.  Even eating much more regularly, if my foods, and being inactive, I am staying 20 pounds below what had been my average for years... down to 260ish.  All good, if another 20 to 40 wood be gooder(tm).

Such strange and powerful energy in the world.  Not sure if it is a personal thing or if the world is coming undone as well.  Though, with the storms, rumblings from below, politics both domestic and foreign, pause must be given, as I see things.  As a general thing I am rather pleased with President Trump.  While he is a damnable liberal, he is one of the few, on either side, who actually loves, and believes in, America and Americans.  Best to give that man some serious room, and help remove the anti-Americans impeding a return to America First.  Our peoples didn't work hard for a world socialism or to be sold as slave labor to globalists.

Time to figure out my day.  Prayers and good will.

Such... horrible wonders.

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Was it a daydream, memory from darker days and times well gone done and buried, or a strange perhaps final gift... to make the loss more bearable in some way?  I can't always see through those fogs, I can't always know.  The notion, then a music video populating to allow others understanding if in a tongue I don't, or no longer, have acquaintance.  The visuals should suffice.

Unnerving.

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Doing my best.  My best isn't good enough.  Transferring money from one bank account to another, both being mine, it being electronic, I thought it would be quick.  Five days!  More, I was already late.  I was so busy with license, tags, staying awake, the memories, I suspect, of a dying lover, and the confusion that caused another that this task fell out of sight.  Due tomorrow.  Wasn't even sure I could contact anyone at the bank, it being a bank, in Iowa, and this late here.

When it hit, I nearly quit.  Instead, in a nanomoment, I turned heel and charged.  A call, plus finding my account data, while trying to maintain calm.  An answer, a review, a transfer, then another set of questions, and another transfer.  The last one didn't sound as if it would go through.  A few tense moments and...

Answered.  A message service?  No.  Real, live.  But could anything be done.  Got it.  All good, I believe.  A call when it arrives, if I don't call first.  I need to turn off all auto payments, then put some of it into savings.  *shrug*  Do your best.  If you have failed?  What do you have to lose?

Nerves are just a hair frazzled.  But?  I'm loving it!  I miss the good old days.  These moments will have to suffice.  Good day, ladies and gents.

Difficult last few days.

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Exhausted.  Waking has been difficult, focus impossible, troubled.  I have a list of things I'd really like to hit.  Yes, I realized earlier in the week I would need rest.  I didn't realize it would be quite this deep.  One phone call today, dishes if possible, perhaps more.  No guarantees.  Writing it here ups the odds.

Grilling has eased the food supply.  Making enough for nearly a week, and change often, in such a way that there are fewer items to wash.  While that means most meals are, essentially, leftovers, reheated or even cold, with the right foods that isn't awful.  Better as I can eat quickly, and when I am able to eat.  As the temps drop, grilling becomes more difficult, using more charcoal, taking longer, as well as requiring extra clothing.  Still, I will attempt to use this as my main cooking system even into the winter.  Lowering the food, through various means, to get it closer to the heat, might make it work, or not.  It is good to only need to cook once a week or so.  A bag of cowboy coals lasts a couple of months, at least in warmer months.  Even a bag a month wouldn't sting, not for the benies.

I will be making a list of various things to do, perhaps prioritizing, and what exactly and how to do those things.  It helps.  A woman often is good for this sort of thing, if you can get her to tone down her badger instincts.  More beaver, less badger, trust me.  *shark-toothed grin*

Well... on to whatever.  Still trying to shake life into or out of these bones.  Later.

So much feedback!

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Too much for a summation.  Not all of it is correct, as I see things, which would make full inclusion problematic.  Instead I will paint, with videos and music...  a final note.  Believe as you will.

Slept in.

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It was 7:30 when I finally woke for good.  I was up at 23:00, 3:30:, then 4:30 before, each time my body initially claimed it was morning, time to rise... a very unusual set of circumstances, I might even declare it unique, singular.  No worries, I was able to return to sleep easily, quickly, fully.  I feel rested, or as good as it gets lately.  I would like to understand anomalies better, even more distinct ones.

I set up for waking, then on to morning matters.  Returning, the phone, somewhere, was sounding.  While it wasn't found in time to answer, it was close enough for a successful return call.  As expected, mom.  Called her on the weekend, didn't get through.  She is now on the Doom call-back program (when and if the hell I want and/or can!).  No worries.  I, for one(obviously), get it.  Just a checkup.  All good.  Sounds as if she has been crying... vicariously.  I wonder if an acquaintance is agrieved?  Or just a mild vocal frog?  Some days can just be blue, too, without reason or warning.  Still, good time to call family, even if not to share all.

I have enough tended, more quickly and painlessly than hoped, to begin a push towards the last efforts.  I need to do a money shift from one bank to another today.  Almost lost track of that.  Then to rest and prep for travel.  I... have other plans as well.  Friday travel?  Monday?  I don't know, soon.  I'll do what I can as soon as possible.  Tired, in pain.  So what!  Things to do.

Good day.

One more.

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Someone recalled something relating to the rebuttal.  The mistaken one.  I'd have to call it a bull's-eye.  Had a chuckle, as with my first intro, then use.  Don't take it bad, just... what was, was.  Got, gave, chose, and lost.  Happens, to the best of us.  Oh, right.  This one IS for you, without malice.  And... a few others.

Yes, some of the plan. Plus feedback.

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A check, on medicine.  It was in, loaded, and ready.  A shower and good shave first.  I really wanted a nap but that timed out... either a nap and nothing else, plus maybe destroying my hard won day schedule, or just bull through.  I can't always do my druther.  Today it was done.  First to the post office, mail and a package. It has been in a while, I think?  Got it.

The rest was short and easy.  Meds by drive-through, groceries with a short list.  There were some good prices on a few non-list but preferred items.  I should have enough for most of the month.  I shouldn't do donuts, it's been a while since I have even had carbs, mostly.

Return responses?  Yeah.  The first two are things viewers brought, as I perceive.  The last is from one who thinks this was about her.  It wasn't, really, AA.  Still, I... didn't like it, then chuckled.  She definitely fights like a girl and doesn't quite get it, on top of being wrong.  Still, love the spirit!  At least once I got over the... weird factor.

Only Tuesday?

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It seems as though weeks have passed since Sunday.  Unable to do much.  Stuck, again.  And with someone haunting my space.  Dealing with living ghosts is easier.

I told you.

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Response:

Got a live one.

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Never sure.  Did something I viewed trigger an algorithm?  Did someone dig into past posts, and do the same?  Or is the ghost of a past or spirit of a still living woman I have known simply become a ghost in the, or my, machine.  I have known some very strange dames.  Is there any other kind though?  I suppose there is a spectrum, of which my women have always stretched, one way or another... if my nature probably enhances.

I do believe this event to be several of my former lovers, or one with serious lingering desire.  I have been psychicly blind for a bit.  It might seem a large bundle, all at once, but not be.  No, as the music, only some of which will be aired to save confusion... as much as that is possible, all appeared at once.

(So few get that the past, even the false, can be true in confusion.  Once that is cleared?  Even so, even false and known as such?  It still was, in a way, a form of history.  Denial of what was, or was perceived, is no more right than the fullness of the false itself.  Much as the mistakes of early mathematicians and physicists are better remembered than denied.)  Still, I will attempt to... keep it more easily followed.

This one bothered me at first, at once.  I thought of witchery, magic, of the female sort... all bad.  Then I looked again.  It was death, of several sorts, fates and maybe the ages  of a women, contesting, debating, or perhaps merely playing their, often, sad parts.  Her part was passive, not quite final, with a dark awakening even so.

Okay.

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Beautifully brutal.  I got the trash and cat litter dealt with, then nap crashed.  I, until the last post, couldn't steer to either, heading right for the middle.  An empty crash was becoming likely, perhaps bad enough to ruin my day schedule.  It happens.  I think posting saved my bacon.  Part of why I do it.

Doing the work allowed me to get in and nap before it became too late.  Which allowed me to be awake in time to realize some things had been missed, things which really needed to go.  The nap helped enough that the work , little as it seems to you, was easy enough for me.

Now, ribs are grilling.  As well as squash.  Squash?  It is an experiment.  This is an acorn squash.  I have another and a butternut (if memory serves) for grill trials.  A shower and hopefully shave this time is next.  Then?  Feeling much better.  Dealing with the trash and the nap, combined, soothed what was ailing me.

The squash was quite good.  I think if one avoids burning the skin or drying it out too much, you can't lose.

Strange music has been haunting, without... effort, of thought or action on my part.  Brewing an exposition and response, maybe separate or a mixed two part post.  So little energy, even for the things I love to do.  Love?  I... am not sure I love noticing patterns, then attempting to carve thoughts from them, it is simply what I do... almost a need, only sometimes, in the kinder and gentler themes, usually, is the work a joy.  Those are rare moments, as reality here and now is harsh and will only get worse until He returns, and then some.  In part it is why I played sudoku regularly and with intensity.  Sharpens pattern recognition.

Later.

Not the best.

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Not the worst.  Frustration returns.  I am able to have a regular day and night.  Getting enough sleep too, if it doesn't always feel like it.  The change of season might be it.  I wouldn't mind if I didn't have things to do.  Naps, every morning and for a while.  Things have to be done, soon.  Trash out, mail checked, more.  One today the other tomorrow, not much choice.  Later.

That was fast.

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Moreover it worked!  Still a bit tired.  Having both started medicine recently, still in some form of multiple recovery, and having pushed things this last week at least for the shape of my condition, going with being tired is reasonable... even a pleasure.  As little as it may seem, sometimes...  God knows.  Thankfully.

Met a woman while out last time.  Conversed as is my nature.  A few links were found and explored, not flirtations... can tell when a woman is cautious due to being in a certain stage of love... shortly after the first blush stages and while the enormity of it all is settling in.  Not married, to a local lad, living together.  I was saddened.  Oh, I have been so much worse, if for many dark and hard reasons... right or wrong.  It probably won't hit her until she is pregnant... or beyond that function (or nearing the end).  It will hit.  To see either the hate or grief in the faces of such women, at their end and without fruit or even a man often, is as terrible as anything I have ever seen.  I left with advice.  Make it work.  And a prayer.  No different than homosexuality, sin is sin.  She is one of the prettier ones too.  I called it the modern way, which she liked enough to claim for use with their unhappy parents.  I have sixty, plus, of her in my bone pile, and six kids I have never seen, that I know.  I... wish I could teach from my failures.

The other day a post was written, with the word "odd" in the title.  Didn't get to the things being considered when the title was developed.  Medical.  This last week has been a success in taking medication.  Not odd, but strange things surrounding it.  Not needing to wake to void... not going as often and yet having no swelling of the feet during the day... a few other things, like no added exhaustion with the meds, and on full dose into this week two of restarting.  Just odd, mostly in good ways, if the feet have worsened, a bit, again... no rhyme, reason, food, or medicine seems to control well for that.  I suspect there are at least two different causes for that.

On to waking.  Again.  Later.

(This post was actually started an hour and small change after the last post.  Didn't get posted as I was attempting to capture, edit, and post a picture (of God Creates Adam, in the Cistine Chapel (all spelling and exacitude questionable)), which obviously failed, this time, for now, etc).

Fierce headache.

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Waking to it, was not surprised.  Through the night I struggled to find a comfortable position, failing every time.  It happens, if this time could have been avoided if I had been able to wake a bit more, somehow an extra pillow got under my head.  I keep several extra for rotation, to balance appearance, and other uses like leg elevation at some times.  Not so much a health thing, that last, just a rare comfort thing.

It's not a migraine, if it is strong enough to have some of the features.  Mild nausea and light issues.  Strong aspirin and maybe back to bed for a bit.  If I think I can sleep through headache without messing to much up, I will give it a shot.  Hmm, yes.  Life has been somewhat painful lately.  I don't wish to fuss with more today.  Later.

Do naps help?

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Sometimes, is my vote.  For it to help, without causing other issues, certain things must fit.  It can't be too late in the day.  Too early and it isn't a nap, a return to unfinished rest, different issue.  It can't be too warm or cold.  Though it is difficult for it to be too cold too sleep, if it is below some ill-defined and changing temp waking in a timely fashion so as to term it a true nap may not happen.

Yes, a nap this morn.  No choice.  While sleeping I became a bit depressed. It seemed as if I had slept far too long, messing up the weeks of effort to get my days and nights sorted.  Even so I couldn't force myself awake, even to check the time.  Turns out the nap ended being exactly optimal and normal, timewise.  Bruised a bit by the worry though.  Oh well.  Not sure how much it actually helped, some I believe.  No choice in the matter in any case.

Beans are done, a burger hash with some of it has also been cooked.  I am mastering beans.  Humble as they might be they are fine and inexpensive, greater still they give me no gas especially as I learned to make them properly.  Add in beef, a mild masala of my own design, and it passes humble cuisine muster with grace.  Add a dollop of sour cream, cheese, and a dash of finishing salt and it begins a journey towards haute cuisine.  Homemade creme fraich and a sprinkling of fresh minced or sliced chives and you would be home for certain.  I do my best.

Work doesn't seem likely.  The want is there, the flesh is exhausted, even with the nap, beyond reasoning with, numb.  No worries.  It saw me through a harrowing set of recent events and holds promise for more, if in it's time and terms.  I can live with that, and gratefully.  A shower, shave, and trash and recycling together and out are on the menu even so.  I'll lean into those if needs be.  Other than those, rest is fine.

Later, or not.  Good day in any case.

Truly?

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Top of the morning to you?  Of Course!  Even on my worst day I don't begrudge my enemy a good day.  Good days, dark options, and blood in their tears provide an opportunity for another way.  But you, most of you, most of the time, aren't my enemy even so.  And, when you are, and happen to visit, do I not seed your tears with blood?  So it is.  That isn't, any of it, the point.

In my shape, with all that is still problematic, that I still have cheer, which I do.  Simply hoping a smile through toil and pain, unforced and without any ends other than to exhibit a joy for life, might be worth explaining, pointing out, sharing.  I can't do much for folk, am often enough a downer-debby.  A spot of light without too much blood and pain in conjunction is hoped to be welcomed.

Again, top of the day, morning, to you.

Beans are on the boil.  Soaked overnight.  Boil?  No, not any more... simmer.  That and burger will be the main of my food this week, if in part because I burned other meat.  While I won't need to starve, I will need to be of some serious care with each penny.  Food like this stretches coin greatly.  Then I can do part of what I suggested last month more easily.

Dishes today, another shower, counters and stove, plus the trash arranged and readied. What all of that though today?  If all, I may add a few things tomorrow.  Next week is for social security and collecting dry trash, going through boxes, tossing everything from books to asunder home goods.  That will go hand in hand with the seeming abandoned effort to clear wall space in the rooms.  That... the purpose of it too...  I had more intense things come up.  Haven't given up on that, the timeline is simply longer.

Yes, good morning and day.  Later.

More.

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The goal.  Less.  What has been done.  A few calls, plans for a bit more based on the calls, probably yet today.  No travel until Monday and a call, just to be sure.  It looks like requested medication may have gone through.  Will check with them soon.  On the good side, I am not as lean as I had feared.  Financially.  I can eat.  I can... do... as needed, perhaps wanted to a lessor degree.

It is a ponderous day.  My feet, in many ways, are as clay.  A price was due.  Hopefully some efforts can still happen.  It's a grace to still be able to want, know to, try.  Not my grace, save as a gift.  The Lord knows I am doing beyond my limits, feeble as it might seem.  I've wanted a nap since 9:00.  It simply got too late before I could nap.  Not willing to mess up sleep.  Holding off until 17:00-18:00.

Now work today.  Tomorrow, changing sheets and cleaning  under the sink so as to get a new faucet and drain plumbing installed.  Not much more this weekend.  Ugh, so tired.  Later, or good night.

So odd.

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Couldn't sleep until well after 20:00, nearing the next hour.  Woke a bit after 1:00.  I'll pay for it, not a choice.  The excitement, and working past the real or perceived dangers flooded the bod with certain chems.  I used to jones for those... an adrenaline junky.  Attempts have been made to restrict that diet and end the dark life which was required for constant resupplies.

Never my choice, save that I refused the pecking-order(tm), would take a knee to no other boy or man, save loosely organisationally as in employment, respect for reciprocal teachers and coaches, et al.  Bullies, bullyboys of the system, the raw system itself, in the smaller and larger writs, all mean, combined and separately, to break people.  Women, females, are favored by that system as they are born broken... subservient, fearful, weak, easily swayed by waves of real or artificial virtue signalling... to be held as templates for boys, men, in the new Babylon.

Those who refuse leave, find our own way.  We also pay a handsome fee in many ways.  But I tell you it is a grander life.  By the way, though... if you aren't strong enough to be a free man here?  Heaven... won't be what is hoped.  Both attempting too much freedom, and surrendering too much, can lead to darkness.  Still, if heaven awaits?  As above so below, and in this case, the obverse.

As a payment for running the gauntlet I should have travel as a fearless option again... or shortly.  Too, some decent amount of stress has been lifted.  The body feels better without all those psychic tics and fleas.  Now to not only scratch at the others but be rid of them sum total.   I'll check on meds today.  I was told doc won't do refill orders?  Wha?  If it was painpills, sure.  But heart medicine?  I don't know about him, but with so many docs tossing narcs like candy, having a doc who won't keep vital refills on order?  It's a mad, insane, world.  I won't play games.  If I don't have clear safe semi-private access to medication, without a doctors boot on my neck, I'll quit them or find a new doc.  This isn't rocket science, a social call, or a negotiaton.

Why is this so difficult?  Ah, right... refusing to sit to pee.  Gotchya.  I hate when I meander into my own lesson target area.  I suppose that is... part of the point.  *shrug*  Housework, today.  This time for real.  Later, good morning and day.  *taps tophat brim to gain your focus*  *tips hat, bows head ever so slightly while angling my face to a quartering degree, wearing a foxlike grin*

While they weren't watching.

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I snuck out after suggesting other plans were in play.  I suspect if they realized I was going out, and why, I would have ended up with tickets and a court date... at least.  I do believe the shove is on to force me out, break me, or worse.  Can't blame them, just wish they would do it honesty.  My size and no witnesses would easily go to self-defense.  That isn't how the left works, but it's the only real way for some types.  If you really want us gone.

Inspection and tags, then paperwork to the doc, for to keep my driver license, all very late.  Was going to buy nerve tonic and groceries with what might be left.  Overheard a young mom, one under foot, one in the oven... sobbing.  Just had her vehicle fixed, was driving away, then the fix-it popped again.  A lemon that was draining her and all dry.  I couldn't do much, but I can skip food for a bit... a bit longer.  I don't really feel better, though I probably made a large score.  Made a woman cry with ease, without going to jail.  Hrmh, fifty, a hundred, points?  More?

I have some food left.  Not sure whether to continue as usual or to ration.  What would you suggest?  Not that your advice, my plan - focused will - matter.  What happens, happens, I have learned.  At least I am the sort of fool who won't regret gifting, even to dire hunger.  I used to, still do, live for right suffering.

I'll keep at it.  I just sorted half of the real problems, which open up part of the potential solution to the other half... driving was crucial, if for more than just that.  If I can just do it.  Don't deserve what has been given, but I am stuck sort of needing it now.  God help me.  Amen.

A new day.

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It is difficult to start today.  The work in an attempt to restart life, while mostly at least touched upon, leaves a gaping economic hole and a great deal of ponderous, slow, timed work.  It might take months or years to finish.  Perhaps not ending correctly even then.  I didn't see any packages from them, if it is possible I missed something.  But I did return the packet from my visit.  It had nothing to do with my medical, or my current doc's contact information.  I should have kept a copy.  Not even sure what it was about at.

Other business has to be attended before travel is possible.  That has begun.  So muh to do, so little time, health, and coin.  So it goes.  I'll begin for the day soon enough.  No rush, that will be fot business hours.  I need to get ready, in my mind.

Later is fine.

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The plan was to attack hard, fast, on multiple fronts, and begin early.  Time ticked by slowly. I watched it pass, seemingly unable to rally.  Then it happened.  A wave of revulsion at my situation.  Horror at the catatonic immobility, anger at myself, the situations, the denied needs and wants... a rush of chemicals flooded my system... the rust was slightly broken.  Calls, many.  Laundry started.  A shower soon.  And a shave.  I hope.  Cleaned the toilet while I was at things.

I am waiting on two return calls.  My bank, which I called Monday, and SSA which was called today.  My guess is that neither of those will call back.  I will have to continuously call each.  I may even be ignored completely without political help, say a congressman.  Governor isn't the type or in that line.  May just be out of ss.  Things seem to have been decided, visits, paperwork, and the law means nothing to a muh feelz bureaucracy.  Still, I'll give it what efforts I may.

Oh, and Walgreens, again, filled the dr.'s scripts without my consent... in spite of just having filled them and telling them NOT TO DO THAT.  Oh, no refills beyond either, plus potassium still at 30 days.  Why wouldn't I feel under a coordinated attack?

I'll keep at it, as I can.  Some things were semi or fully completed.  A bunch of things were started.  I sure hope for a shower.  Good night...  Not bedtime, I won't be back today is all.

UPDATE:  SSD did call back.  SSI is gone. There are two slim chances at getting it back without reapplying.  One is a ream or two of paperwork, the other is to go to the office with proof of veteran disability.  I never can find the yearly award letter.  Perhaps bank statements will do.  It seems 100% total, permanent, means something to someone.  I will, when I can, try both.  Yeah...  It's going to be lean here for a while.  Fasting was written in on the menu.  The schedule is simply accelerated and enhanced.

Yeah... as in a lame depressed yes, not a cheer or snark.  Ah well.

Chances of action.

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Good.  Probability, either clinical or common, suggest it.  Nothing yesterday, save cat care and food.  Days are being stretched to business hours in a sustainable fashion.  One call was placed Monday, as well as a scant several chores.  Today?  Set for more.  Three calls, a shower and shave, trash out, a load or two smaller ones of laundry, and kitchen counters.  Well, we will see.  The efforts Monday was prep.  I had hoped for yesterday but it is today so I will start where, when, I am... not where, when, I can no longer be.  Nor will I lament.  I will merely start here, now... if possible.

With food becoming regular again, on my own terms, I have begun moderating.  Moderating?  No.  Dosing.  Over the fast/feast divide, in a pleasant reasoned middle territory, cutting volume while shaping meal times is a simple trick.  Three ounces of meat is way out, unless eating very often is desired.  Six to nine is usually fine enough...that buys three to six hours.  Not sure about incorperating fasting back in quite yet, but that is in the cards.  Fridays, perhaps the whole weekends if Ican get back to that level.  Plans.

Food isn't what it seems.  I LIKE a food rush, specifically from some foods.  Sugar starch, even too much protein, they can provide hits and highs.  Beats drugs... if it actually is a drug.  What, sometimes, I like better is starvation.  Doesn't look like it, but I have gone without food for weeks at a time.  That too can be it's own special sort of delicious.  Neither way is profitable, most likely vestigial aspects of my varied native relations.  Also a part of why I used to drink alcohol as I did.

A middle ground is being sought.  Better to be where wisdom will profit the wise, innit Johnny.

A bit more gaming, then a shower, plus abum rush on several of those other chores, a break  then back at it?  That is the plan.  Later.

A call.

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When all is failing a call home provides... a moment.  Don't know when that is gone, can't think about it.  As rotten as family can be, what is vastly worse is no family.  That is available today, and was employed.  I didn't whine, just smiled and spoke well, as upbeat as was possible.  She can't, shouldn't have to, deal with my toils.  A boost I hope to yet employ.

Food, two meals.  Gaming, to wake and maybe sharpen.  A shower in an hour.  A pre-shave with the trimmers shortly.  A half dozen calls it is hoped, and some planning.  Will give it everything available, perhaps borrowing from the future.  So many things!  One at a time.  A list would be a best start, to begin triage.  Later.

Tricks and great effort yield little.

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Extra pain, a deeper suffering, more confusion, so not without recompense.  While numb as the dead I am feeling serious aches.  As such goes it might be considered exquisite, miraculous maybe.  Is that some sort of win?  Or is not even contemplating surrendering the thing that might go into the win column.  Even realizing I am here, again, all alone in the dark.

Staying awake worked right until it failed spectacularly.  I ended up not sleeping for two days, then falling back to the broken schedule I was trying to escape.  Why try what has so recently failed?  Uhrm, for one, try try again.  For seconds, at this point I'll scramble at any and every opportunity spotted, which is close enough to allow a good faith effort.  Gotta get out of this place.

On the good side the ladies are being attended... if one realizes their cats are begging for simple attention.  It's not that I mean to ignore.  I... just can't focus, feel, see.  Still, feeding, watering, and litter maintenance is minimal but sufficient for now.  Food is also being handled for myself, with medicine started.  Other efforts are in the works.  I just need more daylight time and a voice in it.  Working on that.  Later or good night or day.

Rebooting.

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Starting from a better position is good and more. It isn't always, usually, an option.  At this time that is so far from were things stand I can only chuckle.  Still, every here and now has some potential.  Medicine.  Tonight.  Set up for two weeks.  One of the problems is that instead of a three month supply, there was only one month worth of potassium.  I hate starting meds with any part short.  When talking on the phone, or at all, at any point, is beyond my range then having to call the doc, pharmacy, then drive to get it?  Still I have to try something.

Several attempts were made to sleep.  With the old problems piled upon by the new sleep just won't happen.  There was a mild hope themeds would help, if as an afterthought.  Nope, if my body is twitching for sleep.  Nerves are too jangled.  Perhaps dinner might help.  What can be will be done.  Later or good night.

Worse.

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Much worse.  In every way.  Everything that was wrong remains so and new things have been added.  As well, my chest...  The sensation of my heart being squeezed in a bureaucratic fist.  It won't kill me, it is making it nearly impossible to work.  I have been pushing into day but not functionally.  I was going to make a few calls today but I couldn't talk.

I have been aiming to get to town or just place a few calls since Tuesday.  Couldn't.  If the chance appears... a request for help will be made.  I simply can't do it all, alone, in time.  Troubled and in trouble while I can't stand.  They don't care, those with a beef.  Or, maybe they do only the way a hungry predator cares about another wounded animal.

I'll keep... what... trying, hoping, praying, willing?  All the above I suppose.  A bad time in every way.  I can rightly and easily say I have been in worse all around straghts, if it's been quite some time.  Hey, friend, could you lend a prayer?

Some.

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Half of the dishes finished, a few things located, meats cooked, other plans fruiting, if a nap is about to happen.  It's the only way.  Grilling is such a good cooking method, easy cleaning while handy for volume.  Boneless pork ribs and burgers, tonight.  The ribs were a bit grainy.  Not sure if that was my bad or just that cut, for the price no complaint.  Though a means of mollifying will be sought.  As mentioned, at the price not a problem.  Still rather tasty.

Day function is required for several bits of business.  Beside social security, it seems my other account hasn't actually been shuttered.  I don't known how to easily get them money, but can afford it.  Enough to clear all and maintain a small balance until all else is solved.  Ugh.  Why would a check have been returned as from a closed account then? Read here and reopened?  Didn't name names, might have helped.

Nap time.  I can hope I wake in time to wake fully enough to do business... and check on medicine... and something about vet status and house tax relief... and tags...  BOTHER!  Never to worry.  I do exceptionally well, a spill and pileup are bound to happen.  I'll keep at it.  Later.

Cat in a tree.

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Have you ever seen a cat stuck that way?  Yeowling, unhappy, with not enough more 'up' left to them, no food or water.  I had hoped to be well into things, it isn't happening.  I did get to the post yesterday, which required more than just going.  I become hemmed by ongoing projects which must be remedied beforehand.  Then grooming.  At least that breaks things up, offering a new opportunity... if it can be implemented.

As rough as it is lately, that window is... I will be doing what is possible.  Dishes are in a fresh rinse, while cleaning litter it seems that needs a full change, the reefer needs cleared (since switching the door so as to have access for cleaning, it has been being kept up that way... mostly, foods though can be left overlong is all)... small projects needed but also in hopes of priming the work pump.  Well, and a call to social security.  As you may plainly notice, however, my days and nights are inverted.  Ah right.  Not posting enough for that to be apparent.  Just woke.

Perhaps a nap later will allow some day function.  Also need new tags.  Almost lost that.  So behind, so broken.  Good thing challenges are enjoyed.  Can't win, as mentioned here before... and often.  But can't lose either.  I refuse to surrender.  All of these are distractions, duties, chores.  While attention must be paid, they aren't what life is.  I will do my best on these.  I will not get lost in or on that and those.  I will pray, in thanks, even as I curse some trivial, or not so, real issue or even such as a callumny.

Even in great pain or confusion, upset, humiliation of failing (or even success, won't play sudoku again as people... just can't handle such a silly "sucess"), life is rather a grand thing.  An incalculably valuable gift, one not to be squandered or even foresworn even in the mildest of ways...if pouting will happen.  Just so you know.  I am far more grateful, if not exclusively so really.  Don't let the... mood confuse that to you.

Now, be on your good way, be productive, but don't let the door hit you in the ass.  I have... things to do.  *grins*