.
.
When does it even happen? Of course, being overcast, living in a mountain valley which is open north and south, in October? Lucky to notice daytime at all. Fine. I wonder if there is a local source which accounts for the mountains to express when dawn actually arrives? Sure, I could just look. But... that takes effort and awareness, things not always available. Why would I like the information? Well, so when possible, to go look. While dying, if albeit slowly, I am finally able to be slightly more aware. I would like to see the bits of the world around me as I drift off.
Oh, the cap is really making life more pleasant. While it didn't keep my legs as comfortably warm during the day as at night, it was an improvement compared to days without the cap. Rather than numb or worse iceblocks for legs, they are merely mildly frigid. I need more caps, however, if one is to be worn most of the time. I won't always wear them when going out, though at times perhaps. What, several for day and night, a few extra for wash schedule? I'll look at several types, see if there are better ones for day and night or in general. The one I am using is a thinner synthetic. Other than being a bit small, it serves. I just don't want itchy ones.
Blood sugar was 168 fasting. Better. I used less fast acting this morning. Less last dose last night, and the final blood sugar was 122. Maybe it is working toward working out. I will hold off the call, as the numbers are heading enough in the right directions, all around, to let the thing ride.
A fatted tea, plus cheese, a few mushroom slices, salami, and pepperoni... about a quarter cup of cream and an ounce and an half of the other fats, for breakfast. I believe steamed cabbage with a few of those mixed patties and mushrooms for lunch, perhaps supper too. Nothing fancy, but. Actually, something about mushrooms and cabbage really works. Add butter and meat, and it is rather special.
A shower, the ducks, a few calls... I don't know what I need to do. I just know I have to try to wake and move, call and dig out... do... some... things. I'll... be thinking then hopefully doing. I am not tired, I just can't seem to think clearly, or remember what I need, or want, to do. I may need a nap to clear my mind. Later.
Monday, October 21, 2019
Sunday, October 20, 2019
Maybe?
.
.
Blood sugar is at 93. Still low, so a keto snack then a final test in two hours. An ounce of salami, paper thin, is in the oven, with an ounce of cheddar cheese. As well, six small green olives were sliced into thirds, and the remnant of a piece of brie will be added... somewhere.
It sounds expensive. And, if you ate for volume not flavor, it would be. I am learning to eat as the French intended, small, highly flavorful, bits of foods, mixed by flavor, texture, type, with some style and appearance considered. What few seem to remember is that, even at what was thought of as the height of French cuisine, they were starving. Even the nobles. They almost learned to pretend to eat by eating little meals, one after the other. Flavor was about all they had.
Yes, I am trying to recapture that way of eating, combining it with keto. My whole menu today cost around $6. Now, I only ate portions of parts. Still... I have almost no money for food this month. Then again, maybe that is a good thing. I am definitely learning to feast on flavor. It's not bad. Later.
.
Blood sugar is at 93. Still low, so a keto snack then a final test in two hours. An ounce of salami, paper thin, is in the oven, with an ounce of cheddar cheese. As well, six small green olives were sliced into thirds, and the remnant of a piece of brie will be added... somewhere.
It sounds expensive. And, if you ate for volume not flavor, it would be. I am learning to eat as the French intended, small, highly flavorful, bits of foods, mixed by flavor, texture, type, with some style and appearance considered. What few seem to remember is that, even at what was thought of as the height of French cuisine, they were starving. Even the nobles. They almost learned to pretend to eat by eating little meals, one after the other. Flavor was about all they had.
Yes, I am trying to recapture that way of eating, combining it with keto. My whole menu today cost around $6. Now, I only ate portions of parts. Still... I have almost no money for food this month. Then again, maybe that is a good thing. I am definitely learning to feast on flavor. It's not bad. Later.
Troubled.
.
.
Have you ever worked too hard, to the point you feel oxygen deprived enough that perhaps you might pass out? Have you ever done that while sitting for hours? There you go. I thought, perhaps, being active, doing something, as a reverse psychology being applied to physiology, might help. NOPE! I came close to passing out.
I let the ducks out, just for an hour. While the water can be open in the pool, I want them to enjoy. However, I am keeping it short, as mentioned. I went out to let them back in. Usually they go right in... unless they just aren't interested. Around and around we went. The second, going on third time I thought to check. Ah. The inner, screen, door was shut. Perhaps when I pulled the food bin out? I have to close the door when filling their food tray. Usually I open it afterward. I do think someone goes through, from time to time. "Borrows" feed, just goofing, dunno?
Anyway... Still, once the gate is back open doesn't mean they will just go in. They have become accustomed to the chase. The trick, then, is to get them to stop near the outer door, think, and reconsider what to do. Only then will they then notice the inner gate is open and go in. That about clocked me. I was seeing stars so thick I wasn't sure I would make it to my chair. Actually, I don't remember from (I hope) just before closing the inner gate and sitting. I'll check that and the back door soon. I've also received a wonderful headache. Left, high center slightly above the middle of the center of the brow. Like a spike, but not terrible pain... throbbing, not constant. Well, and with a drawn gut, as if I ate cardboard.
I have been eating carefully. Watching keto and calories. A burger patty and lettuce bed, or cheese and salami with a fatted coffee. Keeping things to ounces, cream to a quarter cup, and only three meals. Oh, but blood sugar was up to 166. I had attempted to cut fast acting insulin. That just isn't working. But that wouldn't cause the near crash.
I actually crash like that fairly often. There just isn't a reason to whine about it. And I haven't actually ever passed out, that I can recall. They have to figure this out if they want me to work. And, no, it isn't psychiatric. That is the lazy stupid excuse for not diagnosing and treating what may simply be a failing body. They then just need to admit it is physical, debilitating, real, but unknown.
.
Have you ever worked too hard, to the point you feel oxygen deprived enough that perhaps you might pass out? Have you ever done that while sitting for hours? There you go. I thought, perhaps, being active, doing something, as a reverse psychology being applied to physiology, might help. NOPE! I came close to passing out.
I let the ducks out, just for an hour. While the water can be open in the pool, I want them to enjoy. However, I am keeping it short, as mentioned. I went out to let them back in. Usually they go right in... unless they just aren't interested. Around and around we went. The second, going on third time I thought to check. Ah. The inner, screen, door was shut. Perhaps when I pulled the food bin out? I have to close the door when filling their food tray. Usually I open it afterward. I do think someone goes through, from time to time. "Borrows" feed, just goofing, dunno?
Anyway... Still, once the gate is back open doesn't mean they will just go in. They have become accustomed to the chase. The trick, then, is to get them to stop near the outer door, think, and reconsider what to do. Only then will they then notice the inner gate is open and go in. That about clocked me. I was seeing stars so thick I wasn't sure I would make it to my chair. Actually, I don't remember from (I hope) just before closing the inner gate and sitting. I'll check that and the back door soon. I've also received a wonderful headache. Left, high center slightly above the middle of the center of the brow. Like a spike, but not terrible pain... throbbing, not constant. Well, and with a drawn gut, as if I ate cardboard.
I have been eating carefully. Watching keto and calories. A burger patty and lettuce bed, or cheese and salami with a fatted coffee. Keeping things to ounces, cream to a quarter cup, and only three meals. Oh, but blood sugar was up to 166. I had attempted to cut fast acting insulin. That just isn't working. But that wouldn't cause the near crash.
I actually crash like that fairly often. There just isn't a reason to whine about it. And I haven't actually ever passed out, that I can recall. They have to figure this out if they want me to work. And, no, it isn't psychiatric. That is the lazy stupid excuse for not diagnosing and treating what may simply be a failing body. They then just need to admit it is physical, debilitating, real, but unknown.
What a strange world.
.
.
My legs are usually cold. In the summer, this can be good, offering a sort of heatsink albeit with limits. But much of the rest of the year, when it is cooler, this is a major liability. Imagine, though too, having the better part of your body needing cool to be less tortured while the other half needs warmth. When my legs go cool, using them leaves the muscles burning or in knots. I take extras over recommended of certainly vitamins and minerals, which has cleared most knotting.
I have been trying things. Elevating them, from time to time through the day. As well, adding a pillow to lift the feet. Now that I am sleeping in a confined space, I well wrap them in blankets and lean them against the wall. It seems counterproductive, if it has more to do with the heart than... I can't be sure. Doctor recommendation.
I put on socks, two pair often, though I am finding that doesn't work as well as wrapping them well, and keeping skin from one on skin of the other. The thing is, I have been working on this problem for... decades. It is just that until the last few years I couldn't keep track of my experiments. Who knows, maybe I learned this before.
Anyway, since the haircut, my legs have been worse than ever. Now there are areas where they seem colder (can't tell by external touch). Those spots feel numb, and yet itch like crazy. My head was getting odd in a similar way... I thought the legs' problems were due to circulation issues. The head? Just from the cool of having short hair.
So, last night, I got out what I was taught to call a watch cap, in the Navy. I put that on. In short order, the scalp itch and discomfort was gone. As I eased into a more restful state, an amazing thing started to happen. My legs began to warm. For the first time since I have been ill, in cold weather, without cranking the furnace to the misery of the rest of me, my legs and feet were comfortable... no itches, no numb spots, not too hot either. Perfect.
You have no idea how... wonderful that was. It was difficult to wake this morning, I was so comfortable. I'll be working on that part. I was hoping, lightly, that the cap would help with the legs while seated. Nope. Perhaps when I put them up later. I can't keep them up for too long at a time, busts the knees up. Still, to have nights, and better sleep potentially back? I'll take what I can get.
Blood sugar was a bit high before my last meal, so I dosed. It remained a bit high yet by bedtime (both in the mid 150s). I took the slow acting before bed. Blood sugar is 186 fasting this morning. Later.
.
My legs are usually cold. In the summer, this can be good, offering a sort of heatsink albeit with limits. But much of the rest of the year, when it is cooler, this is a major liability. Imagine, though too, having the better part of your body needing cool to be less tortured while the other half needs warmth. When my legs go cool, using them leaves the muscles burning or in knots. I take extras over recommended of certainly vitamins and minerals, which has cleared most knotting.
I have been trying things. Elevating them, from time to time through the day. As well, adding a pillow to lift the feet. Now that I am sleeping in a confined space, I well wrap them in blankets and lean them against the wall. It seems counterproductive, if it has more to do with the heart than... I can't be sure. Doctor recommendation.
I put on socks, two pair often, though I am finding that doesn't work as well as wrapping them well, and keeping skin from one on skin of the other. The thing is, I have been working on this problem for... decades. It is just that until the last few years I couldn't keep track of my experiments. Who knows, maybe I learned this before.
Anyway, since the haircut, my legs have been worse than ever. Now there are areas where they seem colder (can't tell by external touch). Those spots feel numb, and yet itch like crazy. My head was getting odd in a similar way... I thought the legs' problems were due to circulation issues. The head? Just from the cool of having short hair.
So, last night, I got out what I was taught to call a watch cap, in the Navy. I put that on. In short order, the scalp itch and discomfort was gone. As I eased into a more restful state, an amazing thing started to happen. My legs began to warm. For the first time since I have been ill, in cold weather, without cranking the furnace to the misery of the rest of me, my legs and feet were comfortable... no itches, no numb spots, not too hot either. Perfect.
You have no idea how... wonderful that was. It was difficult to wake this morning, I was so comfortable. I'll be working on that part. I was hoping, lightly, that the cap would help with the legs while seated. Nope. Perhaps when I put them up later. I can't keep them up for too long at a time, busts the knees up. Still, to have nights, and better sleep potentially back? I'll take what I can get.
Blood sugar was a bit high before my last meal, so I dosed. It remained a bit high yet by bedtime (both in the mid 150s). I took the slow acting before bed. Blood sugar is 186 fasting this morning. Later.
Saturday, October 19, 2019
Warnings?
.
.
From a pal. To avoid, be cautious at least. If some pals are just jealous of feminine attention going to their friends.
.
From a pal. To avoid, be cautious at least. If some pals are just jealous of feminine attention going to their friends.
Flirtation or damnation?
.
.
From a woman, as I suspect, it might even be both... within the same breath.
.
From a woman, as I suspect, it might even be both... within the same breath.
Late to rise.
.
.
No choice. I was awake late working on diabetes. Working on diabetes? Well... I have been attempting to get my blood sugars under control. After eating poorly from running out of better food, then eating too much of the right food, on top of an unsuccessful try at a new medication, I finally got things in line for a second gamble on the new stuff.
I have been managing to eat better, and less. Blood sugar was brought back under control with just my original insulin. I kept it that way for a few days. I have been spreading my meals, and blood sugar draws, out... at least for now. Intermittent fasting wasn't working with the new stuff. So, I ate supper a bit too late, scheduling changes take practice.
So... I had to stay up way late to test blood sugar before risking taking a large dose of the long-acting insulin. I... don't trust it. It was better, but only compared to the first trial of it. I went to bed with a blood sugar of 134 two to three hours after supper. It was still 181 fasting this morning, with nine hours of sleep plus the time after the meal.
I... I set it up to hopefully have this weekend to try. I am still having to use 20 cc's of the fast acting, two to three times a day, to maintain the 90 to 140 roughly requested. And unless the fasting number drops significantly, the slow acting insulin is useless. The last time they tried the slow acting stuff, alone, my blood sugar went up to over 500... over the ability of my glucometer to measure. I have doubts. I gave it a chance, hoping that combined with fast acting it would lower morning fasting sugar numbers, which would lower the need for fast acting, which might lower the need for slow acting, etc.
There is still a chance. And I don't mind keto or intermittent and regular fasting (the latter both for health as well as faith purposes). However, if it doesn't allow for any larger dietary options, and lower fasting numbers plus cut the need for fast acting insulin, then it is useless to me. I have right keto food available, I am focusing on calories for these few days, and I have two more days to... explore the possibility.
No matter what, since I am having to add so much fast acting, I will be calling the pharm consultant Monday. I only waited this long because I wanted to be back in control of my diet, with numbers well regulated, then give it several days. Two more days. We will see. Can't say I don't try to give it a fair shake, even if it takes a while to sort out the process. I was so tired I couldn't think or act straight, until the last few days. Later.
.
No choice. I was awake late working on diabetes. Working on diabetes? Well... I have been attempting to get my blood sugars under control. After eating poorly from running out of better food, then eating too much of the right food, on top of an unsuccessful try at a new medication, I finally got things in line for a second gamble on the new stuff.
I have been managing to eat better, and less. Blood sugar was brought back under control with just my original insulin. I kept it that way for a few days. I have been spreading my meals, and blood sugar draws, out... at least for now. Intermittent fasting wasn't working with the new stuff. So, I ate supper a bit too late, scheduling changes take practice.
So... I had to stay up way late to test blood sugar before risking taking a large dose of the long-acting insulin. I... don't trust it. It was better, but only compared to the first trial of it. I went to bed with a blood sugar of 134 two to three hours after supper. It was still 181 fasting this morning, with nine hours of sleep plus the time after the meal.
I... I set it up to hopefully have this weekend to try. I am still having to use 20 cc's of the fast acting, two to three times a day, to maintain the 90 to 140 roughly requested. And unless the fasting number drops significantly, the slow acting insulin is useless. The last time they tried the slow acting stuff, alone, my blood sugar went up to over 500... over the ability of my glucometer to measure. I have doubts. I gave it a chance, hoping that combined with fast acting it would lower morning fasting sugar numbers, which would lower the need for fast acting, which might lower the need for slow acting, etc.
There is still a chance. And I don't mind keto or intermittent and regular fasting (the latter both for health as well as faith purposes). However, if it doesn't allow for any larger dietary options, and lower fasting numbers plus cut the need for fast acting insulin, then it is useless to me. I have right keto food available, I am focusing on calories for these few days, and I have two more days to... explore the possibility.
No matter what, since I am having to add so much fast acting, I will be calling the pharm consultant Monday. I only waited this long because I wanted to be back in control of my diet, with numbers well regulated, then give it several days. Two more days. We will see. Can't say I don't try to give it a fair shake, even if it takes a while to sort out the process. I was so tired I couldn't think or act straight, until the last few days. Later.
Friday, October 18, 2019
What to do.
.
.
I can't change whatever is wrong. I can't diagnose it. All I can do is explain the problems to those with the skills and knowledge to diagnose and perhaps treat whatever is wrong. I thought this had been done well enough already. Apparently not. So, back in to the hospital.
Or, at least, to various clinics. Endocrinology, back to the heart clinic, perhaps internal medicine, and whatever else. My lungs shouldn't burn from a trip several days ago. My internal organs shouldn't hurt. Muscles in my legs shouldn't feel burned, etc. Aspirin doesn't fix anything, it merely, a few times a week or every other week, cuts things just a bit, if it requires pretty close to 2k mgs to move the peg. Well, and why, no matter my effort, can I not control my sleep?
Add that up, and there is something terribly wrong. If Social Security is saying I can work, then the V.A. has to help solve these problems, problems I have done my best to get through. I have never been able to solve these things. Even taking ritalin didn't help all that much. A brutal ride, when it worked. Imagine what must be wrong to fall asleep on that stuff.
So, I am going to have to insist that the V.A. look until it finds what is wrong. I'll bet they already know, or have a good idea. It is that they, as vet hating medical bureaucrats are working with ssa to cut vets out. They have decided we already get enough, too much, as vets, as is. So, this won't be easy, with two government bureaucracies working together against me... but it's what I have.
I have my pain. That is all, along with exhaustion. If I think pain is the culprit... it just wears you down. Interesting though, that I often enough end up simply numb. I am so tired. I am sleeping as needed, it simply doesn't help. Something is wrong. They need to find it. Fix it, then, or list it as a right-off.
.
I can't change whatever is wrong. I can't diagnose it. All I can do is explain the problems to those with the skills and knowledge to diagnose and perhaps treat whatever is wrong. I thought this had been done well enough already. Apparently not. So, back in to the hospital.
Or, at least, to various clinics. Endocrinology, back to the heart clinic, perhaps internal medicine, and whatever else. My lungs shouldn't burn from a trip several days ago. My internal organs shouldn't hurt. Muscles in my legs shouldn't feel burned, etc. Aspirin doesn't fix anything, it merely, a few times a week or every other week, cuts things just a bit, if it requires pretty close to 2k mgs to move the peg. Well, and why, no matter my effort, can I not control my sleep?
Add that up, and there is something terribly wrong. If Social Security is saying I can work, then the V.A. has to help solve these problems, problems I have done my best to get through. I have never been able to solve these things. Even taking ritalin didn't help all that much. A brutal ride, when it worked. Imagine what must be wrong to fall asleep on that stuff.
So, I am going to have to insist that the V.A. look until it finds what is wrong. I'll bet they already know, or have a good idea. It is that they, as vet hating medical bureaucrats are working with ssa to cut vets out. They have decided we already get enough, too much, as vets, as is. So, this won't be easy, with two government bureaucracies working together against me... but it's what I have.
I have my pain. That is all, along with exhaustion. If I think pain is the culprit... it just wears you down. Interesting though, that I often enough end up simply numb. I am so tired. I am sleeping as needed, it simply doesn't help. Something is wrong. They need to find it. Fix it, then, or list it as a right-off.
Thursday, October 17, 2019
Grumpy?
.
.
Not really.
A trip to SLC can cripple me for days. If the temp increases a few degrees, even when sleep is desperately needed and greatly desired, I can't sleep. If the temps decrease a few degrees, or it gets cloudy, I may end up sleeping longer, days at a time. If anything changes, I might collapse into a heap. Sometimes that will happen for no reason at all.
I am dying, so very slowly. There is no recovery. They know it, I know it. Still, probably for political reasons, they keep denying social security. I have considered abandoning or selling the house, but rent would be similar, only privacy would be even worse than it is now. If I am working on regaining privacy.
No, I am stuck. Unless I chose to just sell, or try to sell, then disappear. Living out of a pack is a hard thing. Irresponsible, in my condition. Then again, living on my own isn't wise. The options aren't good though, as to living with others. People are dangerously hungry these days. Kill you for a dollar.
It's a tough day, week. I, once, tried to disbelieve. I failed. While I too live in a world of pain, I have chosen against pain treatment. Aspirin, max, if rarely even then. I know where he is at. Honestly, it is a lonely place. And people wish to leave you. I understand. I do. It is difficult to watch someone else die, especially a slow grinding painful useless death. It isn't a test, it is an opportunity.
.
Not really.
A trip to SLC can cripple me for days. If the temp increases a few degrees, even when sleep is desperately needed and greatly desired, I can't sleep. If the temps decrease a few degrees, or it gets cloudy, I may end up sleeping longer, days at a time. If anything changes, I might collapse into a heap. Sometimes that will happen for no reason at all.
I am dying, so very slowly. There is no recovery. They know it, I know it. Still, probably for political reasons, they keep denying social security. I have considered abandoning or selling the house, but rent would be similar, only privacy would be even worse than it is now. If I am working on regaining privacy.
No, I am stuck. Unless I chose to just sell, or try to sell, then disappear. Living out of a pack is a hard thing. Irresponsible, in my condition. Then again, living on my own isn't wise. The options aren't good though, as to living with others. People are dangerously hungry these days. Kill you for a dollar.
It's a tough day, week. I, once, tried to disbelieve. I failed. While I too live in a world of pain, I have chosen against pain treatment. Aspirin, max, if rarely even then. I know where he is at. Honestly, it is a lonely place. And people wish to leave you. I understand. I do. It is difficult to watch someone else die, especially a slow grinding painful useless death. It isn't a test, it is an opportunity.
The world is going very wrong.
.
.
Politics has always been dirty. It has always been about money. Actual open markets, where prices and costs are truly based on market pressures, needs, and wants, not central bankers and central planners setting prices based on politics and kickbacks as much as gambling with commodities, is gone.
Beyond, the forces which kept open markets in play have lost or sold out. Capitalists are gone, replaced by crony capitalists... socialists really, and outright communists. Why the switch. In part to avoid competition. If a communist or fascist government chooses a winner, that is that. It is a safe bet, if you think you are large enough to keep your name at the top of the list, then become too big to fail.
When politics is reduced to the left and the right, excluding Christianity, real free thinking, and individualism, and cultural and actual civil rights, politics is reduced to socialism and communism. And the further truth is that communism, at that point, unless there are external powers which could interfere, always wins in time. It is the best of the worst.
America used to be the outside force. Currently we have three political forces. There are dems and republicans, if pretty much in agreement on most things, only differing in who gets the crumbs and who gets the lion's shares. It used to be that dems were the socialists as redistributionists and reps the fascists as crony capitalists, once both parties turned against America and Americans. Now they are both deeper crony capitalists.
And then there is Trump. He is an anachronism. A dem from before the party became a globalist asset. I think there were a few like him in the 70s still. If most of us, me even as a kid, knew they were rubes. No one was so naive to believe dems of even the 70s weren't socialist anti-Americans. Trump?
He's not a... complete rube. I'd like to say he isn't a rube at all, but... I can't, not fully. He thinks he has allies, some control. The only reason he hasn't been shot or impeached is because his enemies are currently using him as a pawn, to be the target of mutual enemies. It's a dangerous game he plays. But he is a socialist too, just a pro-American one.
It isn't just politics. Big business has become either Chinese or global fascist. They want government(s) too allow them their excesses, help or allow them to destroy competition, and buy from or through them. And, they will get it. Until the governments become a government and takes them over. At this point, I don't think there is a way out. And, if you notice, they will destroy you. Yes, they will.
.
Politics has always been dirty. It has always been about money. Actual open markets, where prices and costs are truly based on market pressures, needs, and wants, not central bankers and central planners setting prices based on politics and kickbacks as much as gambling with commodities, is gone.
Beyond, the forces which kept open markets in play have lost or sold out. Capitalists are gone, replaced by crony capitalists... socialists really, and outright communists. Why the switch. In part to avoid competition. If a communist or fascist government chooses a winner, that is that. It is a safe bet, if you think you are large enough to keep your name at the top of the list, then become too big to fail.
When politics is reduced to the left and the right, excluding Christianity, real free thinking, and individualism, and cultural and actual civil rights, politics is reduced to socialism and communism. And the further truth is that communism, at that point, unless there are external powers which could interfere, always wins in time. It is the best of the worst.
America used to be the outside force. Currently we have three political forces. There are dems and republicans, if pretty much in agreement on most things, only differing in who gets the crumbs and who gets the lion's shares. It used to be that dems were the socialists as redistributionists and reps the fascists as crony capitalists, once both parties turned against America and Americans. Now they are both deeper crony capitalists.
And then there is Trump. He is an anachronism. A dem from before the party became a globalist asset. I think there were a few like him in the 70s still. If most of us, me even as a kid, knew they were rubes. No one was so naive to believe dems of even the 70s weren't socialist anti-Americans. Trump?
He's not a... complete rube. I'd like to say he isn't a rube at all, but... I can't, not fully. He thinks he has allies, some control. The only reason he hasn't been shot or impeached is because his enemies are currently using him as a pawn, to be the target of mutual enemies. It's a dangerous game he plays. But he is a socialist too, just a pro-American one.
It isn't just politics. Big business has become either Chinese or global fascist. They want government(s) too allow them their excesses, help or allow them to destroy competition, and buy from or through them. And, they will get it. Until the governments become a government and takes them over. At this point, I don't think there is a way out. And, if you notice, they will destroy you. Yes, they will.
Dentist, yesterday.
.
.
Whiter, but worse? By some measures yes. A few recommendations as to ho to improve. The easy one is to spend time brushing at a 45º angle near the roots. Oh, I was told that taking plaque (is it) off my teeth is strangely pleasant. A guy has to be good for something! Much whiter this time. Without any actually whitening specific processes.
I had a keto burger. Messy, but it worked. In-N-Out burgers, without buns, fries, or soda. I had my homebrew tea. The thermos works well. I dump and clean it at the end of the day, refill it for next time. I have two 40's and two 24 ouncers. An igloo with ice, some dry tea along, a way to make tea, and I could keep in right fluids indefinitely. When travelling I drink less, 40s last a whole day, 24s would do a half day hike. A light trek.
On the way home, I stopped for a trim. Short, but not a flattop. Easier to work with, I'll see how it goes. Feels good. Then shopping. Groceries. I went a bit out of keto trim. Grapes and potatoes. The rest was fine, from cheeses to salami, real meats, avocado, salad makings, and cabbage.
I grilled some inexpensive steak-like cuts, a potato, and beets. It's been so long since I have had a real meal, I didn't mind the splurge. I'll back off from now on, after finishing the grapes. I'll still have potato a couple times a week, but half, and not with other treats, such as grapes. Still, a very good meal. Plus, if a splurge is at hand, fruit or potatoes is far better. Though yams, real ones, would be better yet.
I called my brother, twice. Left a message. Called my mom, got through. A busy, tiring, full day. I am hoping to get to the post, pull and put up garden hoses, rake some, and maybe clean the bathroom? Goals. It has warmed, to the 60ºs, maybe 70ºs? I'll take it. Good morning, day, and... whatnot.
.
Whiter, but worse? By some measures yes. A few recommendations as to ho to improve. The easy one is to spend time brushing at a 45º angle near the roots. Oh, I was told that taking plaque (is it) off my teeth is strangely pleasant. A guy has to be good for something! Much whiter this time. Without any actually whitening specific processes.
I had a keto burger. Messy, but it worked. In-N-Out burgers, without buns, fries, or soda. I had my homebrew tea. The thermos works well. I dump and clean it at the end of the day, refill it for next time. I have two 40's and two 24 ouncers. An igloo with ice, some dry tea along, a way to make tea, and I could keep in right fluids indefinitely. When travelling I drink less, 40s last a whole day, 24s would do a half day hike. A light trek.
On the way home, I stopped for a trim. Short, but not a flattop. Easier to work with, I'll see how it goes. Feels good. Then shopping. Groceries. I went a bit out of keto trim. Grapes and potatoes. The rest was fine, from cheeses to salami, real meats, avocado, salad makings, and cabbage.
I grilled some inexpensive steak-like cuts, a potato, and beets. It's been so long since I have had a real meal, I didn't mind the splurge. I'll back off from now on, after finishing the grapes. I'll still have potato a couple times a week, but half, and not with other treats, such as grapes. Still, a very good meal. Plus, if a splurge is at hand, fruit or potatoes is far better. Though yams, real ones, would be better yet.
I called my brother, twice. Left a message. Called my mom, got through. A busy, tiring, full day. I am hoping to get to the post, pull and put up garden hoses, rake some, and maybe clean the bathroom? Goals. It has warmed, to the 60ºs, maybe 70ºs? I'll take it. Good morning, day, and... whatnot.
Tuesday, October 15, 2019
Wonders.
.
.
I used to think women... what... had sympathy, for well blooded warriors?
I have changed my mind. It, I think now, is a sort of empathy... from the feminine side of a very bloody hard world. I am almost sure. My... sacrifices, besides creating empathy also creates a hunger, a yearning, for the very thing which drives their empathy. I... see it. And in ways few men can... a blessed curse.
I see them, here, now. Showing what I believe I see. Music to my ears. Mercy.
.
I used to think women... what... had sympathy, for well blooded warriors?
I have changed my mind. It, I think now, is a sort of empathy... from the feminine side of a very bloody hard world. I am almost sure. My... sacrifices, besides creating empathy also creates a hunger, a yearning, for the very thing which drives their empathy. I... see it. And in ways few men can... a blessed curse.
I see them, here, now. Showing what I believe I see. Music to my ears. Mercy.
Up with the first alarm.
.
.
Down at 17:00, awake first time at midnight. I hadn't set the alarms as I was sure I would be awake earlier. But that was too early, if more because of business hours than need for sleep. Although that was a bit tight on sleep. Just a bit. I always have problems waking later after a really good wake though. So I set the alarms.
Three strange dreams, if only two are remembered.
----------
In the first, I was observing the life of a young woman in England during the reign of one of the earlier queens. I just couldn't figure out which one. It was as if that information was being kept from me. She was nobility, married to another, an officer in the military, off somewhere in one of the many British exploits.
She had just found out she was pregnant. But the world seemed to have just turned against her. From her doctor to family and personal friends she had stopped being in favor. When they couldn't escape her company, their cruelty was terrible, and just when she needed them most. Her family, while they still loved her, seemed resigned to her ill fate.
She realized something awful had happened. She simply had no idea what. Had her husband done something unforgivable? Had she made a greater noble angry? She had only ever and just been in the queens presence twice, from afar. She began to inquire.
It was the queen. For whatever reason the queen had taken a dislike, then uttered that she, the young woman, would be better off dead. And that was that. With a casual scant sentence, her death sentence had been given. It seems no reprieve for being with child would be granted. But why? Because she was queen and said so.
She realized, if she didn't die soon, her husband and birth kin would begin to pay. Her friends might already be suffering. So she began willing herself to death. Without suicide, but with a fierce will, her and her unborn baby were dead within months. It really seemed true. Anyone who ever thinks royalty and nobility is the way is a fool. The nobility did similar to peasants.
----------
In the next dream I seemed to stumble through life. Visiting family, travelling, doing some work including with a chainsaw. As well, parachuting... if I had to have the parachute thrown to me out of the plane. How do you forget a parachute? The main problem is that I was naked. I just couldn't find clothes.
The majority of the dream was seeking clothes. I wasn't ashamed, mostly just annoyed. Finally, visiting my mom, hoping she had some of my clothes, she had a stack of clean clothes, underwear, socks, jeans, a shirt or two, all of it, freshly cleaned, ready to go.
----------
There was a short dream between those. I was sure I would remember that one. Nope!
----------
Still not feeling well this morning. I can't say what is wrong. Sometimes it feels like the flu, sometimes it feels like I was a seal pup on fur gathering day, sometimes both. And I haven't even really waken enough to sort things out yet. Fresh tea is going. A handful of aspirin will be going down as well. Later.
.
Down at 17:00, awake first time at midnight. I hadn't set the alarms as I was sure I would be awake earlier. But that was too early, if more because of business hours than need for sleep. Although that was a bit tight on sleep. Just a bit. I always have problems waking later after a really good wake though. So I set the alarms.
Three strange dreams, if only two are remembered.
----------
In the first, I was observing the life of a young woman in England during the reign of one of the earlier queens. I just couldn't figure out which one. It was as if that information was being kept from me. She was nobility, married to another, an officer in the military, off somewhere in one of the many British exploits.
She had just found out she was pregnant. But the world seemed to have just turned against her. From her doctor to family and personal friends she had stopped being in favor. When they couldn't escape her company, their cruelty was terrible, and just when she needed them most. Her family, while they still loved her, seemed resigned to her ill fate.
She realized something awful had happened. She simply had no idea what. Had her husband done something unforgivable? Had she made a greater noble angry? She had only ever and just been in the queens presence twice, from afar. She began to inquire.
It was the queen. For whatever reason the queen had taken a dislike, then uttered that she, the young woman, would be better off dead. And that was that. With a casual scant sentence, her death sentence had been given. It seems no reprieve for being with child would be granted. But why? Because she was queen and said so.
She realized, if she didn't die soon, her husband and birth kin would begin to pay. Her friends might already be suffering. So she began willing herself to death. Without suicide, but with a fierce will, her and her unborn baby were dead within months. It really seemed true. Anyone who ever thinks royalty and nobility is the way is a fool. The nobility did similar to peasants.
----------
In the next dream I seemed to stumble through life. Visiting family, travelling, doing some work including with a chainsaw. As well, parachuting... if I had to have the parachute thrown to me out of the plane. How do you forget a parachute? The main problem is that I was naked. I just couldn't find clothes.
The majority of the dream was seeking clothes. I wasn't ashamed, mostly just annoyed. Finally, visiting my mom, hoping she had some of my clothes, she had a stack of clean clothes, underwear, socks, jeans, a shirt or two, all of it, freshly cleaned, ready to go.
----------
There was a short dream between those. I was sure I would remember that one. Nope!
----------
Still not feeling well this morning. I can't say what is wrong. Sometimes it feels like the flu, sometimes it feels like I was a seal pup on fur gathering day, sometimes both. And I haven't even really waken enough to sort things out yet. Fresh tea is going. A handful of aspirin will be going down as well. Later.
Monday, October 14, 2019
Keto bread.
.
.
No nap, or work, not even a shower. Yet? But lunch, with an add, bread.
Actually I ended up trying two recipes. The first one might have worked, but I forgot a main ingredient. I didn't realize my mistake, so went looking for a better recipe. To be honest, I am glad I bungled the first recipe. The next one just seemed better. I went without cheese or spices other than onion and garlic powders and a bit of salt.
.
No nap, or work, not even a shower. Yet? But lunch, with an add, bread.
Actually I ended up trying two recipes. The first one might have worked, but I forgot a main ingredient. I didn't realize my mistake, so went looking for a better recipe. To be honest, I am glad I bungled the first recipe. The next one just seemed better. I went without cheese or spices other than onion and garlic powders and a bit of salt.
Not feeling well.
.
.
Tired, flu type achiness, a mild headache, just not well. Blood sugar is good. I still need to take medicine. I have had a bite to eat, shortly after waking. I turned the heat up. And the cats have been tended. Ducks, then a shower. Really, not bad. I have done well. It just doesn't seem to matter.
I will try to keep working on things. I may need a nap. It is such a good day, otherwise. I just can't seem to get things to work out. Ducks, the minor dishes, then a nap. A shower and shave after, then garden hoses up. They should be clear. Oh, and then to make room for one vehicle in the garage... probably the car, as that is the only one I can drive for the moment.
Then? Dishes and the bathroom, if possible. Later.
.
Tired, flu type achiness, a mild headache, just not well. Blood sugar is good. I still need to take medicine. I have had a bite to eat, shortly after waking. I turned the heat up. And the cats have been tended. Ducks, then a shower. Really, not bad. I have done well. It just doesn't seem to matter.
I will try to keep working on things. I may need a nap. It is such a good day, otherwise. I just can't seem to get things to work out. Ducks, the minor dishes, then a nap. A shower and shave after, then garden hoses up. They should be clear. Oh, and then to make room for one vehicle in the garage... probably the car, as that is the only one I can drive for the moment.
Then? Dishes and the bathroom, if possible. Later.
A good sleep.
.
.
Still a bit achy. Whatever you might think, I pushed things early this week. The costs take time in payment and it comes out of my hide, or deeper. It was so easy to work though! I thought maybe, just maybe, I was getting better. There is still a chance that is true. Perhaps my body simply needs to get in shape. Which is a catch 22 itself though.
No worries. I am hoping to get a shower, maybe a shave, then start a new day... week. A few dishes starting out, fried eggs to start the day, a shower and shave, getting dressed right, then a time for waking as I contemplate the rest of the day. I could put the last group of dishes in too. The dishes I am doing are a few meal dishes and pan. The others need a long hot soak.
I heard the alarm at three. Turned it off cold. I went to bed at eighteen hundred, slept through. Then I realized it is garbage day. I don't have but a bag of trash, but it should be recycling day too, and that does need to go. Ever notice, if you attempt a good conscience, you can't sleep through chores? Some think that can't be true with me. They just don't understand the obliviousness that can come from living so close to death. It isn't that I ignore. It is that I am intellectually unaware or I am physically unable to act... the latter being the worst. Ignorance really is bliss... unless you eventually become aware. Being a cripple is a horror of conscience.
So, up at four, a small group of breakfast dishes set, a spot of fresh tea going, plans for a shower after the first fatted coffee, blogging and waking, with a shower and recycling next. Actually, I will get the trash to the bin... only one bag so it won't go to the curb... then take the recycling to the curb, as I prepare coffee. Then sit to wake before doing the rest. Eggs at dawn, feed the cats then as well, then another waking session until eight or nine. Then getting food and water for the ducks.
Perhaps I could get the bins set up as roosts for the ducks today. And maybe put the plow on? Will see. A few aspirin this morning. I don't hurt as much as I have, but more work on the way and it is good to manage pain at the start. I have to reset medicine too. Always something more to do! Later.
.
Still a bit achy. Whatever you might think, I pushed things early this week. The costs take time in payment and it comes out of my hide, or deeper. It was so easy to work though! I thought maybe, just maybe, I was getting better. There is still a chance that is true. Perhaps my body simply needs to get in shape. Which is a catch 22 itself though.
No worries. I am hoping to get a shower, maybe a shave, then start a new day... week. A few dishes starting out, fried eggs to start the day, a shower and shave, getting dressed right, then a time for waking as I contemplate the rest of the day. I could put the last group of dishes in too. The dishes I am doing are a few meal dishes and pan. The others need a long hot soak.
I heard the alarm at three. Turned it off cold. I went to bed at eighteen hundred, slept through. Then I realized it is garbage day. I don't have but a bag of trash, but it should be recycling day too, and that does need to go. Ever notice, if you attempt a good conscience, you can't sleep through chores? Some think that can't be true with me. They just don't understand the obliviousness that can come from living so close to death. It isn't that I ignore. It is that I am intellectually unaware or I am physically unable to act... the latter being the worst. Ignorance really is bliss... unless you eventually become aware. Being a cripple is a horror of conscience.
So, up at four, a small group of breakfast dishes set, a spot of fresh tea going, plans for a shower after the first fatted coffee, blogging and waking, with a shower and recycling next. Actually, I will get the trash to the bin... only one bag so it won't go to the curb... then take the recycling to the curb, as I prepare coffee. Then sit to wake before doing the rest. Eggs at dawn, feed the cats then as well, then another waking session until eight or nine. Then getting food and water for the ducks.
Perhaps I could get the bins set up as roosts for the ducks today. And maybe put the plow on? Will see. A few aspirin this morning. I don't hurt as much as I have, but more work on the way and it is good to manage pain at the start. I have to reset medicine too. Always something more to do! Later.
Sunday, October 13, 2019
Cool, not cold.
.
.
It is in the mid forties. It was 28º when feeding the ducks this morning, very possibly the low for the day, at least so far. I was surprised one of the hens continues to lay. A big golden brown egg a day. Checking water is the real trick, if it doesn't look like they drink much. Or bath. Still, I will keep it open to them.
I thawed a few packs of older ground lamb and beef, the last of it. I added a few eggs, some almond flower, and spices. Separating the bulk into patties, which were then grilled. Bland, plain, but food. I'll slowly eat that with... whatever else I can find. I added cream cheese to one patty, didn't help. Truly bland. I will try to find a way to use it to more flavorful dining.
I also purchased potted meats to try early this summer. While technically keto, they are difficult to eat. I have lightly sought recipes in which to use those. But, really, they are made for slathering on white bread until death from diabetes or cardiac arrest. Some of the keto flat breads and pitas I put out to dry, with the weather change hitting so fast and hard, became crackers. I may try adding mayo, possibly mustard, and using the keto crackers as a base. Highly acidic too, like most instant coffees... I went with lower acid dehydrated coffee, but it doesn't have much caffeine bang. At least it doesn't feel like I ate glass. I'll work on potted meats that way.
I am down to... whatever I have and not much of it. Not a lot of choice. Can't turn up my nose unless I really can't eat it. Although I do have to stay away from candy. Cream is very good, but there is something about liquids that just don't quite make a meal. I need to work on sauces and gravies. I have homemade beef broth, and keto flour alternatives, now to find recipes that work for me. That would cut how much meat would be needed. Ugh.
Later.
.
It is in the mid forties. It was 28º when feeding the ducks this morning, very possibly the low for the day, at least so far. I was surprised one of the hens continues to lay. A big golden brown egg a day. Checking water is the real trick, if it doesn't look like they drink much. Or bath. Still, I will keep it open to them.
I thawed a few packs of older ground lamb and beef, the last of it. I added a few eggs, some almond flower, and spices. Separating the bulk into patties, which were then grilled. Bland, plain, but food. I'll slowly eat that with... whatever else I can find. I added cream cheese to one patty, didn't help. Truly bland. I will try to find a way to use it to more flavorful dining.
I also purchased potted meats to try early this summer. While technically keto, they are difficult to eat. I have lightly sought recipes in which to use those. But, really, they are made for slathering on white bread until death from diabetes or cardiac arrest. Some of the keto flat breads and pitas I put out to dry, with the weather change hitting so fast and hard, became crackers. I may try adding mayo, possibly mustard, and using the keto crackers as a base. Highly acidic too, like most instant coffees... I went with lower acid dehydrated coffee, but it doesn't have much caffeine bang. At least it doesn't feel like I ate glass. I'll work on potted meats that way.
I am down to... whatever I have and not much of it. Not a lot of choice. Can't turn up my nose unless I really can't eat it. Although I do have to stay away from candy. Cream is very good, but there is something about liquids that just don't quite make a meal. I need to work on sauces and gravies. I have homemade beef broth, and keto flour alternatives, now to find recipes that work for me. That would cut how much meat would be needed. Ugh.
Later.
A good start.
.
.
Mostly. Blood sugar is way off. But I keep eating poorly. Then again, I am out of real food and mostly broke. I need to do some very careful shopping, then watch everything. Last month I purchased full size candy bars for Halloween. Yeah. But I am done. I have had three, could have been worse. Fatted drinks and eggs only go just so far. Meat, at least for me, is required.
The long acting insulin is pretty awful. I keep waking up too hot. That is with going to bed with diabetes in check. Which also means using more fast acting insulin, if in part due to diet. I don't want to call it off until I get back on keto, get back into ketosis, and remain there for a week or two. So, shopping, soon. Cabbage and a few veggies, plus meat and butter. Ugh. I'll have to be stingy and careful. May have to do longer fasts as well, if I can't take insulin while fasting.
I am not sure when I went to bed? I think 17:00, give or take. But I woke several times, getting up for a short while at least once. I was too hot, internally. I set the alarms for 3:00 and 5:00. I turned off the 3:00 alarm immediately, but woke at 4:00 and turned off the 5:00 alarm as I woke quickly right then. Just the way it goes.
It is right at 56º upstairs. I must admit to being quite comfortable at that. Humidity dropped, and that 10% to 20% drop is exacerbated by the forty to fifty degree sudden drop in temperature. I am surprised I am not suffering massive bleeds, nose bleeds. Daily, mostly, showers might be the cure? After a day off yesterday, I'll get another shower in today. Shorter, if they are going to be more regular. I would like to get to four showers and a bath, as has gone lately. I just need to exchange one shower for a bath.
Dreamed of having a call with one of two friends still living, last I knew, from the service. A man I offered advise regarding staying celibate with his woman until after marriage. It wasn't perfect, but it... was as close as they could get. My... knowledge was... instrumental. Further, I am certain, when things (tm) become... complicated... it is good to have alternatives, in marriage. I taught both of them, hands off of course, much more than school can probably imagine. There is science and there is art of sex. Mix, and that is my area. Life is messy, clean it up?
I won't try to reconnect. I will just remember, as well as I may. Praying they are still alive, still together, perhaps by now with grand or great grand kids. She was a doll and he was one of the good guys. People I would like to have found a way to emulate. I hope life hasn't become... complicated, or worse. Still, a good dream. I have known a few good folk. Best to keep some distance.
Good morning. Later.
.
Mostly. Blood sugar is way off. But I keep eating poorly. Then again, I am out of real food and mostly broke. I need to do some very careful shopping, then watch everything. Last month I purchased full size candy bars for Halloween. Yeah. But I am done. I have had three, could have been worse. Fatted drinks and eggs only go just so far. Meat, at least for me, is required.
The long acting insulin is pretty awful. I keep waking up too hot. That is with going to bed with diabetes in check. Which also means using more fast acting insulin, if in part due to diet. I don't want to call it off until I get back on keto, get back into ketosis, and remain there for a week or two. So, shopping, soon. Cabbage and a few veggies, plus meat and butter. Ugh. I'll have to be stingy and careful. May have to do longer fasts as well, if I can't take insulin while fasting.
I am not sure when I went to bed? I think 17:00, give or take. But I woke several times, getting up for a short while at least once. I was too hot, internally. I set the alarms for 3:00 and 5:00. I turned off the 3:00 alarm immediately, but woke at 4:00 and turned off the 5:00 alarm as I woke quickly right then. Just the way it goes.
It is right at 56º upstairs. I must admit to being quite comfortable at that. Humidity dropped, and that 10% to 20% drop is exacerbated by the forty to fifty degree sudden drop in temperature. I am surprised I am not suffering massive bleeds, nose bleeds. Daily, mostly, showers might be the cure? After a day off yesterday, I'll get another shower in today. Shorter, if they are going to be more regular. I would like to get to four showers and a bath, as has gone lately. I just need to exchange one shower for a bath.
Dreamed of having a call with one of two friends still living, last I knew, from the service. A man I offered advise regarding staying celibate with his woman until after marriage. It wasn't perfect, but it... was as close as they could get. My... knowledge was... instrumental. Further, I am certain, when things (tm) become... complicated... it is good to have alternatives, in marriage. I taught both of them, hands off of course, much more than school can probably imagine. There is science and there is art of sex. Mix, and that is my area. Life is messy, clean it up?
I won't try to reconnect. I will just remember, as well as I may. Praying they are still alive, still together, perhaps by now with grand or great grand kids. She was a doll and he was one of the good guys. People I would like to have found a way to emulate. I hope life hasn't become... complicated, or worse. Still, a good dream. I have known a few good folk. Best to keep some distance.
Good morning. Later.
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