Troubled.

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Have you ever worked too hard, to the point you feel oxygen deprived enough that perhaps you might pass out?  Have you ever done that while sitting for hours?  There you go.  I thought, perhaps, being active, doing something, as a reverse psychology being applied to physiology, might help.  NOPE!  I came close to passing out.

I let the ducks out, just for an hour.  While the water can be open in the pool, I want them to enjoy.  However, I am keeping it short, as mentioned.  I went out to let them back in.  Usually they go right in... unless they just aren't interested.  Around and around we went.  The second, going on third time I thought to check.  Ah.  The inner, screen, door was shut.  Perhaps when I  pulled the food bin out?  I have to close the door when filling their food tray.  Usually I open it afterward.  I do think someone goes through, from time to time.  "Borrows" feed, just goofing, dunno?

Anyway...  Still, once the gate is back open doesn't mean they will just go in.  They have become accustomed to the chase.  The trick, then, is to get them to stop near the outer door, think, and reconsider what to do.  Only then will they then notice the inner gate is open and go in.  That about clocked me.  I was seeing stars so thick I wasn't sure I would make it to my chair.   Actually, I don't remember from (I hope) just before closing the inner gate and sitting.  I'll check that and the back door soon.  I've also received a wonderful headache.  Left, high center slightly above the middle of the center of the brow.  Like a spike, but not terrible pain... throbbing, not constant.   Well, and with a drawn gut, as if I ate cardboard.

I have been eating carefully.  Watching keto and calories.  A burger patty and lettuce bed, or cheese and salami with a fatted coffee.  Keeping things to ounces, cream to a quarter cup, and only three meals.  Oh, but blood sugar was up to 166.  I had attempted to cut fast acting insulin.  That just isn't working.  But that wouldn't cause the near crash.

I actually crash like that fairly often.  There just isn't a reason to whine about it.  And I haven't actually ever passed out, that I can recall.  They have to figure this out if they want me to work.  And, no, it isn't psychiatric.  That is the lazy stupid excuse for not diagnosing and treating what may simply be a failing body.  They then just need to admit it is physical, debilitating, real, but unknown.

I thought about it, long ago.  Dying a few times made me realize death wasn't so bad.  Especially knowing there is definitely a heaven, and aiming for it.  Which really would exclude this behavior.  I thought I would have faded by now though.  I wonder if my faith is the cause for my extended life, even through the immense suffering.  As well... penance?

Not this way either.  No drugs.  Raw.  My body, when I get to certain places, self medicates.  Nothing I can do.  No.  I just get to live until I die, as is.  But I will go back in, push them to look again.  If I can't work, then I should receive disability.  It's not necessarily right, but it is how it was set up.  It isn't just for leftists and foreigners, either.

Blood sugar dropped to 83?  I don't really get it.  I'll have supper, but skip any more fast acting insulin.  Then check blood sugar before bedtime.  I will take the slow acting, even if I have to eat something with it.  I won't take it without at least a snack with it at this blood sugar level.  Bleh.

Later.