Monday?

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I've been doing well, tracking days, lately.  Even in my rougher state.  Not yesterday.  The last day I remember was Saturday, and I thought that was yesterday.  Though, my lungs are really messed up, sleep is terribly off, and some other things.  Too much cheese and salami, which has caused lots of pushing, which... leaves my stomach/torso area feeling bruised and broken.

Odd pangs, of pain.  Not just in that area.  Pins and needles, but from extreme pressure, or from heart problems?  I can't say.

I fought, last night, for more sleep.  But staying down is difficult, was.  I did it.  Not without suffering.  And I didn't sleep well.  Still, more sleep.  My body tried to wake me up around 19:30, or so, after going down around 16:00?  I refused, tried to get more sleep, stayed down until 2:00.

Brutal.

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Okay.  Well, this is as bad as it has gotten.  My heart, while I sleep, try to sleep, is struggling greatly.  Lungs are backfilling.  Waterpills just... aren't getting it.  Besides, the compression socks and hose keep that pretty much at bay, save in the torso.  Nothing will probably help that?  Hmm, might... consider a few... options.  Though not sure compressing the torso would work, as I am already struggling to breath.

I do have medication left over.  Old.  But it might work.  Though, as I remember, half of the doses, of the main two drugs, plus back then the waterpills and potent potassium pills, was enough to relieve symptoms.  I can go without the waterpills, for now.  And, thus, I can skip the potassium.  I have some of each on hand, just in case.

So, for now, I will try carvedilol and losartin, at half doses.  I will, then too, only use them until symptoms relent, then run just a bit longer, then back off.  Quit them, until/unless symptoms return.  That should mean these pills will last... a few more years.  It is what it is.  If I had a wife, we could go to real medical.  But, as is, I would be required to go to the V.A.  Which, I can't, because of the mask mandate.

Warm out there.

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A steak, and fried potatoes, for lunch.  Oh, delicious.  I am getting the cooking for meats down.  This one was very easy, being thick cut.  Kefir before, vinegar tonic after.  I haven't been eating or drinking well, right, as I intend.  Too tired, confused, and such.  

It was 86 last I looked, 82 when I first started my meal about wo hours ago.  It's... going up.  I shut the house down, including upstairs.  This evening, if it is still too warm up there by 16:00 to 18:00, I'll put an ac in one of the windows and get it lit.  Just use it for a few hours though.  I don't need it really cool anymore, it seems.  And, though, I was able to sleep in the high 70s, I prefer not to?  Right.

I had hoped to get to some work today.  Any work.  Ain't going to happen.  Barely staying awake.  Though, really, I did turn days and nights around in the last few days, so... it's going to be difficult.  The trick will be to keep days, not have it flip back.  My body prefers to be awake in the cool of the night.

Is a nightowl a biological thing?  A psychology thing?  Or something else?  I do know that the night is more muted, comfortable.  Cats, owls, and other things... their senses are overloaded during the day.  I suspect I have similar problems.  Or, maybe, I simple see, hear, think, and feel better at night.  As a fact, I know I do.  Days are miserable for me.  And, yet, I... try.

Beastly difficult day.

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Almost no blood spit up, if so a very very light shade of pink.  Which... is good.  If there, and it might have been, it was almost not visible.  But I think I saw some.  Quite a lot of material out, but it came out well.  I thought I got most of it out.  Gurgling, though, with a rattling cough through the night.  It was good to wake, spit that out, and sit up.  Rough.  Better.

But, for it, I could barely breath while dressing and getting down.  Just... I couldn't feed Sassy, or do much else than check the outside temp and open windows while turning on fans.

It was rather warm upstairs!  It was 77 in the main, 78 near me.  Downstairs, closed up, was 71/73 (main/up front).  And outside was about 55?  I checked just now and it is to 53, so cooling a bit more.  I need to get the house as cool as possible, and then close up before it gets too hot out there.  And, I may put an ac in upstairs.  Leaving it open most of the day, then turning the ac on for a few hours before bedtime.  Just... to get it a bit cooler.  It seems I am... acclimated, to a degree.  I was sleeping like a babe.  Other than the lungs filling a bit.

Days and nights...

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Trying to get them twisted back around.  I pushed with every ounce of what I had to offer, and was able to stay up until about 16:00 last evening.  Not sure when I woke.  I was a zombie, getting out of bed, getting downstairs, tinkering.

Just gaming.  Wait, no, I did make some payments, and placed some orders.  Ugh, trying to keep up on things.  Keeping up on business, but not much else.  Hey, I'll take what I can, when I can.  And, yes, keeping up on business and finances really helps.

It's a rough go.  Elsewise.  Lungs, sometimes, still problematic.  Not as bad as it has been lately.  Blood and bubbles, just not as much.  And, not every day, or all the time.  Just... once every few days, and lighter lately.  All good.

Gaming, and hurting.

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Lungs are messed up.  Better, but still... troubling.  The odd thing is, I don't dare use more waterpills.  The problem is the heart, not fluid buildup.  Headache, body aches, sore in the oddest of ways.  Fine.  I'll... make it through, or not.  Haven't been spitting up bloody mucus, on the good side.  It's just backup, from the heart, nothing... too terrible.

A post I meant to put out yesterday morning seems to have gotten lost, so I put it back out.  Yes, a woman seems to be tinkering, or the AI.  I have been enjoying, in any case.  I really like women, or... the idea of them?  The memory of them?  I can just enjoy what was, as I remember it.  No fuss, these days.  I liked fuss, when I could manage it.

Someone sent a vid, suggesting I am delusional.  Fine!  This one should know better.  I have spoken directly to their thoughts, if here.  They know I see.  Is it... jealousy?  Or, a refusal to believe there are... different types of folk, folk who can see?  When people were tricked, by the notion of Santa, or the Easter Bunny, or some even believe Christ isn't real... I think because He doesn't just give them whatever they want?  Or didn't protect them from some of the horrors in this world?  Whatever.  But the thing is, if they feel stilted by humanity, or this or that?  They refuse to believe... anything.  Which is odd, because usually these types believe everything ELSE, save what is true.

Love the things she says.

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Just... had to believe.  And, added one more, just to make sure, but of my own.  Oh, she gets it.  We wanted to be normies so badly.  But that just isn't so.

Something got me to thinking.

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I wrote about a woman I knew, loved, who could see.  She was real.  Could... see, as in as psychics see.  As mentioned, I feel, or... see through feelings... of others.  What I meant by that is, I... sense things, through human emotions.  Everything, or most, of what I "see" comes from humans, on an emotional basis.  Or, through my emotions?  It's... odd.  Not all things I see could be presented from human emontions.  For those things haven't happened?  Some don't involve humans.  But... it's... the idea.  Maybe it is filtered through my emotional senses?  While she would see events, things, people, places plainly.  She might or might not have an emotional response, but that... is different.

We... met... through our various sights.  Initially hiding from each other.  There is bumping uglies, then there is... bumping minds.  Oh, I know there are others out there, who see.  But meeting one?  Or becoming known as one, by anybody?  You learn to hide some... things.  For some of us, many things are to remain hidden.  Seeing is one of them.  Even, or especially, from others who see.

In any case, after initial terror, on both sides, curiosity got to both of us.  In part due to the extreme fear, and resembled responses?  In time we met, more personally, privately, explored our gifts, minds, then bodies.  The pleasures we knew, I would guess, will only be known in heaven.  Though there was the physical, if that was... quite... the lessor of the things.

Trouble breathing.

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Fluid backing up into my lungs.  I've been fighting that for a while.  But shouldn't be?  I am drinking less fluid, and using compression socks, which combined is seeing very little fluid build up in the legs.  I need a break, every three to five days, a day off.  But, when I get back to it, I'm still doing good.

Though, that... may just not be the issue.  It may just be the heart is beginning to pump even less strongly, so it wouldn't matter how much fluid I have.  It is blood backing up into the lungs.  I still have some water pills, which can help.  But not many.  Then again, with the rest of the fluids managed, I don't think I need to take waterpills for that AND for the heart.

A pleasant night.

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It got down at least to 47.  It may have gotten cooler, I just forgot to check.  It was up to 56 by 8:30 or so.  Then again, that was... what... two hours after sunup, three?  I closed most of the windows up at about three.  The upstairs is still open.  I think I'll make sure all windows are closed, then go on up and close the upstairs windows and go on to bed shortly.

Feeling rough.  I have given up on Resident Evil 4 remake.  It isn't even just the difficulty?  But it looks like time gets randomly added, certain items which should be available to buy aren't always available, and the game just cheats.  While playing on the easiest, or second easiest, it will begin to play as if on a very hard setting.

Either the game is bugged, so that hitting the marks are impossible, or will be made so if one gets near, or the game is rigged to not allow getting through.  Those who get through, it is my contention, either got a game which allows it, as a random thing.  Or, with the game "guru's", they are given copies which allow the possibility of getting through the game in a faster time.  So, I moved on.

More, some new.

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Just rolling along.  It could just all be coincedence.  If... there is no such thing.

Watching them roll in, collecting them, collating?  Sharing.

I do miss having a woman around.  Mean as chipmonks, twice as squirrely, with tails and tales.  Something about them.  Mostly, sometimes, usually?  Here.

Love that cheese.

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I have been known to mock the French.  Cheese eating surrender monkeys, I... think was the favored term.  I am... in part... French.  But, in truth, I am as French as I am Spanish, Lakota, and Dine... not dine, but more like "da neh", or "de ney".  Or Sioux and Navajo, in common parlance.  Well, it's in the blood, and that means more than I once would have thought.

Anyway, so... cheese eating surrender monkeys?  Aye.  And... there is some truth to it.  If too, reasons for those truths.

First?  They fought two world wars, losing half their best men in each.  So... not wishing to fight only makes sense.  Seriously, if all you get out of wars you are all but set up to lose is death and misery, destruction and loss?  Yea.

Awake.

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Have been for a while, to be honest.  When did I wake up though?  I just... can't be sure.  Perhaps around 19:30?  I checked outdoors, about then, and it was 60 out.  Already that cool?  It got warm today.  While I was sleeping, I could tell.  Not hot, or terribly hot, but to the high 70s, low to mid 80s, if I had to guess.

That left it at about 75 upstairs.  Strangely?  That was good sleeping weather, for me.  I had the windows open, upstairs, and fans on.  So that helped.  But it just wasn't miserable.  It was... very good sleeping weather.  I think I am tired of the cold?  Very strange, for me to say, but true.

The downstairs, shut up, from the outside and from the upstairs, stayed in the low 70s, or high 60s.  Very peculiar.  Though it does look like a weather system moved in.  No rain, but it could happen at any time.

Not a bad day.

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It wasn't as bad today.  Whatever has been ailing me has light lifted.  Still there, but like after a long swim, a quarter through, on a tough day, getting on a raft for just a bit.  How will it be tomorrow?  The day after?  I will never know until I get there.  I tell you, if you lead a bland, standard, life.  Even if it is very busy, hectic, tiresome, tiring?  Enjoy it.  For, if you ever get to where one day feels like death, the next is good, or weeks, and sometimes things are great?  But you never know?  It's... difficult.

Bad enough that work is outside the possibilities?  Often, usually.  I can... push things, for a while.  Try.  Do.  Then... I fall.  It's how it goes.  Sometimes I can work longer, weeks, even months.  Often though, if I get a good week a month, I am doing better.  It's more like a week out of the last few months.

Finishing a load, in the dryer.  Three pair of pants I will put up.  Shirts to follow.  Shirts are trickier.  They get very badly wrinkled... unless ironed before being put up, then being tucked in very carefully.  I was on submarines.  That is how we did it.  Kept a civy and dress uniform, for going out when we finally pulled into port.  Kept them under our mattres pad.  Or, I did.  Wanted something that didn't smell too bad.  Yes, sumbarines smelled, too.  Home just like home.

A difficult few days.

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Worse than... it has been.  At least I was mostly comfortable.  As in, my heart didin't hurt, I could breath more easily, things like that.  I'll be taking a dose and double of aspirin as I go to sleep.  This isn't the worst pain I have ever suffered, even just in the heart.  But it is a bit more uncomfortable than usual, in that it is a group of things causing problems.

COPD is much worse.  But in a strange way.

I did get something done.  A project on my long to do list.  I botched a portion of it.  But will manage that in time.  Still, for the most part, it is pretty well done.  Shower curtains, and rod.  I wanted to move the rod further away from the tub, so I have more room to stand, without feeling crowded by the shower curtain(s).

Someone is... saying... something?

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Yes, they... sometimes line up too well for comfort.  Could be chance.  But when the notion is pushed, in a dozen ways?  I retain the right to suspicion.

Women.  They do that.  When they try, they are horrible about it.  When they just do it, sometimes, they... are amazing.  This might be her.  Or someone who would like to be like her?  The woman.  THE... Woman.  Well, one of them.

Didn't make it.

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Couldn't wake.  I... went to bed early enough.  I was down by eight, I think, a bit after but not much.  Should easily have been awake by fiftenn hundred?  Give or take.  But, no.  I didn't wake until seventeen thirty.  Even then, was moving slowly.  Couldn't... get going.  Can't even make it to the store tonight, though really want to... need coffee, would like to get some pork chops.

Yes, my days and nights aren't just twisted, they are twisting 'in flight'.  This day can be as much as eight hours, even twelve hours, off from yesterday.  I sleep without the ability to choose when.  I fall when I fail, sometimes quickly, though usually longer... twelve to twenty hours uptime, at least there is that, mostly.  Down time?  A few to many hours.  Two to three down, rarely but just yesterday after a long stretch up.  Nine hours down today, give or take.  No control.  The alarms aren't helping.  So be it.

It was 75 when I checked outdoors.  I had the downstairs closed up, and it stayed around 70, less a few degrees.  Upstairs was open, it got to 70, with two fans going and the windows open.  Interesting little life, weather, seasons, this year.  California is admitting that it is out of drought.  Which?  Means more water. The aquafers.  Can't have them saying they are out of drought, only to have them then saying they are, in a year, again.  Bureaucrats can't be trustes, so must be... learned.

Almost.

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I... had an event tonight.  An invitation.  I meant to make it.  I have been planning, actually, since I got word, Wednesday.  I started by doing shirts.  Laundry.  I meant to have two shower taken, but a mistake in the kitchen... iterrupted that plan.  But, as shower this early afternoon, was had.

Brushing my teeth, four or five times since I was invited.  Oh, and pants.  I wanted clean pants.  So, I put those in this afternoon.  Unfortunately, they did not finish in time.  But... that isn't the whole of why I didn't go.  I was still completely shot.  I... got the shower, brushed my teeth twice since waking, Got a shirt out of the laundry and ready, got mostly dressed.  But... I... just... couldn't complete the task, though the pants weren't dry.  So...

From now on, I'll leave one pair of pants, what I am wearing, out.  Same with a few shirts.  I prefer to wear them a day or three?  Depends on the day.  If I break a serious sweat, one day.  If I'm mostly resting, three.  Now, the pants which are washed, and dried?  Will be put into airtight bags.  Same with several shirts.

Down to 71.

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Was, while I was working on the griddle.  Burgers.  Four patties, smash burger style, delicious.  Nothing fancy, but it honest is good enough to eat just as is.  Though, really, I'd like to get cheese slices for on top.  I won't do American, swiss... cheddar, munster, "swiss", and others, sure.  I've never liked, nor trusted, Amercian cheese.  Even as I kid.  Didn't like balogna or hotdogs, but I have... changed that.  To a degree.

Hey!  I love fried balogna.  Hmm... but that was back when I could have bread.  Yea, maybe not.  It just wouldn't be good on it's own.  Though, I could try to figure out keto bread/buns for that, and hotdogs.  The griddle is so very good as cooking some things very well.  Browning, or even better, partly burning the skin.  Well, now that it might be warming up, that is.

It stayed below 70 in there, most of the day.  The computer room might be warming up.  Yep, up to 74.  But... that is doable.  If I suspect warmth might finally be back?  Maybe.

It's 77 outside.

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Or was just a bit ago.  Still below 70 indoors.  But, a warmer day.  Not many clouds in the sky.  And it has been dry for... half a day?

I have been asked to an event.  And, if possible, will go.  I am washing pants.  Will need to wash some shirts and else.  As well, shower, trim or shave... haven't decided that part, brush my teeth a few extra times.  I will try to be ready.  Plus, it will get me going so perhaps I can get back to church.

I am in rough shape.  Not sure what is wrong.  The extended cool, wet, and dark?  I am not sure the heat will help, when it hits?  Once I get used to it, it... is like a springboard, until it breaks me again.