A good long prayer.

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I tried to get settled in at about 2:00, or was it 3:00.  I hoped to sleep early, and to that end I had no caffeine after... 18:00 or so.  When my clock is running well, changing sleep time is nigh on impossible.  Sunday morning is going to be brutal.  I will be there though.  When I was laid down though, I decided to pray, heavily, about, mostly, this one thing, women, marriage, a family.  It's all one thing to a degree.  I did actively pray but I also just listened for long stretches.  Okay, no direct returns.  It doesn't always happen quite that way and I didn't honestly expect a deep voice booming from the sky or even internally whispering.  Though you never know.  What I was doing was letting God know, symbolically, that I am listening.  While my ability to keep time is off, I would guess I spent a good half hour, maybe a little longer, at it.  No, not that long.  But for a space case, yeah, that was good.  I will keep that up.  As well, I renewed my vow to celibacy until marriage or death.  That practice has been slipping, a lot.

While praying another thing came up.  You know, I noticed something.  I have made everyone in this valley who has met me at all... to very possibly wish me to be dead and consider making it so?  Oh?  Oh yes.  Some get over it, some still hold onto it, others might have completely written me off and try not to remember they knew me.  Catholics, Mormon, academics, people who aren't any of those, neighbors, friends, and unmet enemies.  Oh well, it doesn't surprise me.  That IS my life.  I am honestly surprised I wasn't killed as a child.  Parents, siblings, enemies, friends, pastors, teachers, girlfriends...  It isn't even like I try.  It's more like I don't even have to try.  I even sometimes mean not to do that, but...  I do make light of it, in many ways.  And, yes I think it is dearly funny.  And, yet, I don't, too, at the same time.  If you can't change something, might as well chuckle about it?  I actually thought one of my past paramours was going to kill me.  I know she was thinking about it, she had plenty of time.  I didn't "work it", I just... saw the noose and I was who I was.  I think she simply feared that if she wasn't fast enough, and I woke or noticed, she would be in serious trouble.  True.  But she was a clever girl. Oh, don't even think about it.  If you are reading here you have had your ears blister with rage... at me.  Directly and unflinchingly at me. I simply say what I think, right or wrong.  I don't parse it, cut it, negotiate, or such.  

Though I think more locally, sometimes, my seeming lack of effort, or confusion of purpose... gets people angry.  Tell someone you are considering marriage and he sets something up (however impossible) and you don't take the bait?  Get asked for how to be helped, and not seeing a way to fit paying work into it so keep trying various tasks, and so it looks like you are asking for the sun, moon, and stars?  Well, and very strong sense of things religious while having an open door policy?  Oh yeah, kill worthy.

I am not sure why people far away or locally keep reading.  Some, sure, they actually know me.  Hi mom.  Others?  Just for grins when it isn't their turn at the whipping post?  Curiosity?  Seeing if I am dead, yet, yet, yet?  I dunno.  I did speak to God about this too.  I don't understand how I can make so many people this angry without any real effort and still be alive.  He MUST have a plan.  Ah, death on my wedding day?  That would be 'special' in the ol' SNL way.  My bride to be would kill me, again.  Heh.  The odd thing is that as much as people hate me, some of them genuinely like, perhaps love, me too.  It's a very odd balance I keep.  Can you give people personality disorders?  *grins*  It's not me, I'm perfectly balanced, having the same number of chips on each shoulder.

Anyway.  I will continue to pray about the whole woman thing.  I don't know what to do about the anger thing.  I am leaving myself open to His will, asking for His guidance and instruction, and asking that He lead me neither into temptation nor afoul with the wrong woman.  While I never was able to fall asleep I did have a nice little rest there for a bit after.  It is far easier to work with God, even tentatively, than to work against Him.  He's pretty strong.  "Crush you with a blink" comes to mind.  He must merely be looking in my general direction if so, but it's enough.  Though the truth is it is me who is tearing me apart.  Go wrestle with a huge tree or massive boulder, barehanded, if you want a minor example.  Yeah, I'll just keep praying.  It sure beats nearly stroking out trying to adjust the immovable.

Good night.