Sleep?

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I was sure I would be back to bed by now.  I tried to lean that way.  When that failed I then tried to fight sleep as some form of reverse psychology.  Nope.  It was like jumping at the bulkheads of a carrier, hoping to get it started tipping.  Impotent efforts.  I feel like I could drop at any moment, it just isn't happening.  I am free falling just high enough that I can see the world falling away from me, but it is falling away at least as fast as I am falling.  Just for sniggles, I checked my bp.  While not as low as it was this morning, at 139/91, that is still one of the, if not the, lowest bps I have ever seen excluding the numbers this morning.  What kills me is that this was the same amount, if not less, of the various medicines I took much of last summer and fall, before I fell and dropped everything.  Why lower this time?  The heart hasn't improved enough to account for it. 

I was still hungry, even after a dinner for four (they feed me quite well).  No, this hunger is unusual.  I haven't felt this kind of teeth in the demands of my stomach since I was a spurting sprout, trying to fill out the gangly.  This is feral, wild, hunger.  Never mind.  For now I will try to keep it fed to a degree, seeing if it leads me anywhere positive.  Sometimes a healing body simply needs more food, a lot more, mine does anyway.  A pot of chili-mac, using the home-made hot sauce, did the trick.  I used some of the hamburger from the recently butchered cow.  Wonderful, all around.  Three heaping tablespoons of hot sauce was just about right to mix with two and a half to three pounds of food.  I kept my hunger in check, stopping the feast after consuming half the pot.  *smacks lips*  Oh, but I think I could have eaten the whole pot.  Something is up.

While at the dinner the other night, one of the families at my table was the gent and his wife with whom I helped with the cow.  Another man is one of the five (technically six) dairy farmers here in town.  He was discussing that, though he loved his animals, if one went down he never has found success taking steaks or roasts off it.  He only made hamburger from what he decided to use.  My partner in crime and I both sort of choked.  I didn't want to say anything.  At first I was a bit ashamed, oddly.  It was just some sort of emotional response.  Then I had to choke down a chuckle, as I didn't want to be rude.  I have to tell you, as darn neared a steak connoisseur, not by learning but through tasting as much of the stuff as I could get, and seeking the best tastes, and learning what those are supposed to be and learning my own variances... those steaks were delicious.  I was more than a little impressed.  As I said, they were not ribeye, or ribeyes as are commonly known.  But then again, they don't fat out dairy cattle for the slaughter, especially ones who fall and become lame.  So, maybe they were unfattened beef ribeye?  But, they reminded me of the notion of sirloins, only... good.  I don't care much for sirloin, perhaps I don't know how to cook them as a general rule?  Do you do something different, other than adding butter, then how you cook ribeye?  Anyway, as I said, that was an interesting conversation. 

I had forgotten about skiing.  What with the ups and downs, I simply lost track.  But too, knowing that my physical progression can become stunted, I don't wish to jump into a new sport anyway.  If swimming, and possibly weight lifting later, go well, then for several years, then I might consider such a thing.  If I am doing well, and everything else is good, I can always rent from time to time.  Still, something brought the notion to the fore tonight, so I went looking into back country skiing again.  A good link was found at the local college, so I dug through most of it.  It was a FAQ, done by some club or other at the college.  It was well done, from what I could tell.  Bits of data I have picked up elsewhere, in the tiniest parts, were assembled and well developed.  The type of skis, the type of boots, lengths of poles, places to consider buying kit even.  I truly hope I get well enough to do that.  The hope, for that sport, is to pack out for a day or week, into the hinterlands.  Not so much mountaineering as modern mountain manning.  Perhaps with a hunting license, a good rifle or black powder long gun, a pistol for other and extra, a map and compass, some notion of where to go but no certainty, provisions, into the mountains and weather.

I also have had some songs on my mind.  While one of the videos is still on YouTube, one of my favorite is gone, Siouxsie and the Banshees, It's About to Happen... that video is gone.  Gah!  I wish there was a way to download those.  Hmm, I'm going to have to check.  Urhm, no...  that is DEFINITELY pirating.  Gah...  I might have to see if those can be bought, then, somehow.  I just hate it when one of my favorites goes dead.  Some of them are excellent.  Ah well, here are the songs, one of them still in video form, that have been haunting my dreams and days.  Women truly are fascinating creatures.  Mean, cold, cruel, at times.  But as beautiful and weak as the are, perhaps that is their only defense?  Psychological mace.  It works on real men, anyway.  Not so much the animal types.

Ah, here are the tunes.  Lord knows they have been torturing my dreams and on into waking thoughts lately, women that is.  As I thaw from decades, my guess is I might slip if I am not terribly careful.  As I remember the fullness of the pleasure of women.  Having slept so long I will most likely, like an alcoholic or junky who has had their addiction suspended, returns right back to the height of my... past hungers.  I have systems in place, but will they, can they, hold.  My celibacy has been shredded of late.  No amount of prayer or stalling or anything has helped.  Much like the physical hunger, actually.  Yes, I might be returning.  God help us all.  :p