Not much happening, but a report anyway.

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I spoke with my mother this morning. It looks like she will not be coming until the last weekend of the month. That is fine, it is good to know. And, it gives me a little time to try and get more on the ball. My sleep is sporadic, sometimes the exhaustion demands 14 hours of sleep, some times only a few hours. I push against it when I can. But when the eyes burn and I cannot think, remember, and life is excessively painful, I retreat to the bedroom and try to get what little rest sleep offers. I am hoping with more sunlight and warmer temps, I can sort things out a bit better. I would really like to have some more packing done and the cave spiffy for her visit. I hate having her see the need to clean while she is here. However, and again, I think that is something mothers do. Still, it would be nice, as I have once in a while done in the past, to make her have to search for the work. :P

I will get some things in the larder so that her stay is not a hungry one. I keep thinking of home-made potato soup, maybe with ham; a roasted herbed chicken, and perhaps asparagus for a starter. Then maybe some fried cheese and ham or turkey sandwiches, with a good (as home-made as can be) tomato soup; and then perhaps a really nice (real) crab meat salad. All are easy enough meals for me, even as is at the moment. I am sure she will want to do some cooking herself, so I will not plan much further. However, I will try to have plenty in stock for her to be creative. She does not really like me cooking for her. I do things differently, I am messy in my ways, and I am her son (think boy = should not cook). Yes, ladies, women can be just as sexist. Which bothers US not a whit. …again… :P

Well, I did not rest well after sleeping a good bit yesterday and last night. I woke, anyway, at about 3:00 or 4:00. I stayed up until I just could not stand it until about 6:20 or so (give or take, I cannot be completely accurate when in that much of an exhausted state). However, after only a few hours of sleep or less, I arose sometime in the 8th hour, refreshed and comfortable. I did some tinkering in my game, and successfully complete one round of missions/quests, then started another, of which I went half way through. I then contacted the game company about access difficulties, or sent a reply to their reply to my query. It takes time and information exchanges for these things. I then decided it is time for a shave and haircut. I had tried to get these previously, but my barber (highly unusually) was gone both times. As I do not get out often, and my schedule makes it so that I might be up late at night, or any time really, plus that no matter the time, I may not be fit to leave, this chore has remained undone. So, today, I will prepare to see if he is there or not, again. If not this time, I will have to find another barber. Ackh! The problem with that is that many of them require appointments. I do not do those well, especially now.

My rifle is on the way! I am so excited. Oh, I know, it will sit somewhere and, even in a case, draw dust. That I have it is almost enough. I will need ammunition or the psychological comfort of having it will be nil. I have enough magazines for it, and a reloader able to reload that particular ammo, so I am getting closer to preparedness. I will have to insure that the ammunition I buy for it is reloadable (and plentiful as for the moment, reloading supplies are not available). Still, that will offer brass, as a starter. I wonder if the fear of the state is driving brass supplies into high tide? It has to be. I then wonder how many other such items are becoming excessively scarce, pricey, and horded. Never mind, one thing at a time, and this is one of the bigger things.

Oh, the “lady” from the car company is driving me to distraction. She has called 8 or 9 times in the last two weeks. I have hung up on her once, rarely take the calls, and am going to call my dealership today and have them either set the thing right or take the vehicle back. I will not be harassed, I cannot take the stress. She will either call me (preferably) a few business days before the 1st, and then again only if I have not paid by the 5th. She will include all pertinent contact and payment information, and she will leave it in a message (I will not talk to her again). If she and or they cannot comply, they will get the vehicle back. I figure If I save like I am paying, I can buy a new one in about 3 years, no bills. Yeah, I would be missing a vehicle. Though I am pretty sure I can more easily handle a junker than the stress.

Several things on the plate today. Nothing fancy or difficult, technically. Still, staying on track, adding in some shopping and cleaning, and I am running well beyond what I have been able to do for a while now. I will try to get it all in. It is noon now, so I have the time… again… technically. Go… go… go…

Gone…

Oops, my lady friend just called. We had pizza for lunch the other day, and I special ordered it. I think I hit her sweet spot, food wise (I do not tinker with any of the others, ha, naughty minds... I really am celibate for good or ill). So, she asked if I could do that again. I said I could swing for it, but no promises as much as she moves (or her appetite and preferences anyway). So, I will have a guest for dinner. Hrm, more motive to get a bit of cleaning into my list. (I said I was celibate, I did not say I never think about it. Oh hush.)

Now gone...

The dreams seem to have passed.

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My body heals from the soreness. But exhaustion plagues me, and in the worst of ways. I seem to be able to function well enough, I just cannot do much due to the severe exhaustion. It seems, to me, like I suffering a disconnect with reality, like walking through a mental fog. However, I am able to do intellectual and physical activities and the results are good. My lady friend does not seem to notice that I have no idea what I am doing half of the time. I am able to do the most difficult things in the games I play (and yes, some of them are quite intellectually and logically demanding). I do not understand and I probably never will. I am sure others share my curse, but what use seeking others who have lost their earthly connections?

My mother will be arriving, she believes, in a week or so. She will be seeking a diagnosis for a difficulty, an infirmity, of her own. It seems her knuckles are swollen, she aches everywhere, and she too is now perpetually exhausted. They suspect she has rheumatoid arthritis. I do not believe that is at all curable and only slightly treatable. I am not sure if to hope that is what it is, so that there might be some help, or to hope it is something else curable or more treatable. I guess we get what we get and just deal with it. I do not expect much from her, and will try more to just allow her to have a comfortable place to stay while she is here. I will just have to hope I find away out of the fog and exhaustion long enough to get things done on my own, the rest of it anyway. I have to find a way to snap out of it.

If it is not much, I am able to do amazing things in the game I play. Defeating all the campaigns in a few weeks on a newly created character (campaigns are other games, full length (mostly), added to the original game). The game I play has 2 complete campaigns, plus the original game, and a shorter (if much harder) additional campaign (so, 4 campaigns, if that first is as clear as mud). I gained all of the elite skills and spells in five days, and I play in hard mode, including most missions, with only heroes and henchmen. I know the game quite well now, if there really is too much to know completely and all at once. I learn new things seemingly daily. Though it would seem that you could make friends in-game, the truth is because people are at such different levels of play ability, play at different times, and such, that is not quite as easy as it seems. Still, I know a few people, and am meeting a few more, if more than a few words occasionally is all that it yields. It beats being completely isolated.

The AK-47 I ordered is on it’s way. It should be here soon. I will have to go to the FFL and show my license to buy, and I will be set. I will pay it off this month. I think I will have to go without any purchases until a month or two after the move however, after this. That should give me enough to move, move-in, eat, and pay deposits, turn-on fees, and probably still be in good shape to begin saving for a new computer. I am hoping that two or three months after I am moved in, I can outright buy a new rig. Though, depending on how fast the communists implement their anti-gun crap, I might have to go for guns first. Another AK, another .45, and a .308 are on the list. They are all things that may be banned. I have enough magazines for 2, maybe even 3, AK’s, but I need more for the .45’s. And, of course, there is the ammo thing. Reloading supplies are a bust, so it will be expensive. I hate having to watch everything I do because of fear of the government.

I think it is nap time again. I seem to be gasping for sleep as soon as I wake up and dream of sleeping while I am “asleep”. I just cannot get sleep. It so reminds me of being in the river and wanting nothing but air. Instead of minutes, it is days and weeks and months and years I spend needing. I dream while I am awake, if I have learned to deal with that somewhat. I think most people who have this go absolutely mad. And, I understand that. I have just chosen not to let go, I have found things and people to anchor me. As tired as I am I cannot let go, will not, even when it seems the only thing to do or impossible not to let go. So, here I am, writing about it. Yeah, nap time. See you in a few.

Dreams… And other stuff.

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Many dreams, all over the place. I can still only sleep 4-6 hours at a time and I can only stay up about the same. I really think it is the number or intensity, maybe both of those aspects, of my dreams. I kill people, I save some, and I get the hurts that come with it. Those hurts carry right on in to real life. It is brutal. My ribs hurt. My legs and arms are muscularly sore. And I can do nothing to change them. They come and go. I suspect they are part of the reason I am so exhausted. It happened even when I was working out, when the meds worked, and when everything is going well. I am tight, hard, and mean, physically, at least or perhaps in spite of the condition I am in. I was made for war, this stuff just helps keep me ready, give or take.

I was talking to an Irish friend this evening. Some things, many things, he just does not understand. That we devalued our dollar so as to crush China’s (and Iran’s) economic hold on us, only became functional visible to him after a little discussion. He does not understand that war is not always waged on battle fields. He does not understand that Iraq was only a minor aspect of the combat we have been waging. Nor does he, even now, understand the importance of that, if minor, act. He is a typical Euro, against America and almost anything (except Obama’s election) we do. I asked him if he would approve a communist muslim coming to his lead office. He said it would never happen. I said, once the world bowed to socialism, a world order socialism, they would shove the same crap onto his plate that they have shoved onto mine, he did not like it. We will see. Now that we have fallen, they will do whatever they want, worldwide. Most of it will be repulsive to most people.

After five days of the furnace and air conditioning not responding to the thermostat, I had finally had enough. I called my landlord Saturday. He made a call and had someone in this morning at 9:15. It was the same man who has been trying to deal with this difficulty for a while now. He decided to change out the control board, as he has seen this before and the same fix worked there too. I hope it works as temperature control is vital. I also discussed the fact that my water bill has tripled since last year, before the leak. The neighbors, I think, are the problem. My increase began when they moved in. With 4 people living there, they are only using (according to the water department) 27% more water than I am. I am being robbed, somehow. It will be my landlord’s problem when I move. He knows what the problem is, I can tell by his query to the waterworks. Socialism sucks, it is robbery, taking without asking, without consequence, and without recourse.

For sure, I will never move into an apartment or a duplex again. I have been looking for a single home, in a general area, and am having trouble finding what I want in the price range I would like. I briefly considered moving in with my mother, and then tossed that out immediately. She would kill me in six months. I do not mind dying, but I have parameters. I will not deal with the irrationalism of a mean woman, that will not be the death of me. A wife I will handle, mothers are not so easily handled. Especially on her grounds.

Oh, I was able to find an AK that I liked and in my price range. The seller has a number of them. If I like what I see, I might buy a second, depending on money. I would also like to buy another XD Tactical .45 acp. But money has become tight with the move and the Xterra financing problem. I am being a bit cavalier financially, with this purchase, as it is. But darn it, a man has to have what a man should have. I saw a S&W .500 mag, if in the 4” version, for $750. It about kills me that I cannot buy it. But, I cannot. Not… yet. Too much, too fast, too far, too short. Someday, sooner than late, but after a computer ($3k to $4k). Drats… To win the lottery! Bah, I do not play children’s games. Urhm, you do not happen to have a spare top of the line machine sitting in your back pocket, do you? Did not think so. :P

The Watchmen.

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It was a difficult movie for me to watch. Hollywood wants to put warts on good guys and bad guys along with showing the truth about the intent of their people, and they did. It was rather gritty, definitely dirty, and hard core. Do not take your children to it. I think it pointed out the true intent of modernists, socialists, atheists, and such. And of course, their side won... at least on Earth in flesh in their time, the time of the movie. I found myself fitting in between the Comedian and Rorschach. And, yeah, I thought it was a gas, as I often do. I will not recommend it, most probably cannot handle it. I will only say I liked it. The music, quite often, was of the extreme leftist bent, of course. And, of course, they always tried to show the lefties as good and kind little heathens. Which of course, after Hitler the vegetarian, and Stalin, and Marx, the world should know better by now. Not to ignore, of course, our own little murderous circle of homegrown leftists. Of course, many of the sheep are stupid enough to walk into gulags, but that is not the real point. Yeah, and blue boy matches our scientific community… expertly.

It also looks like there might be some other good movies coming out soon. I will probably have to go on my own, after some of my comments, I think the Q.O.D. would rather be lit on fire than go to another such movie with me. Which is fine, my fire is lit. I think I can, I think I can, and whatnot.

Ciao

Jealousy…

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I know it is a sin, at some point in how far it can be taken. Coveting another person’s wealth, spouse, health, or success, is a sin. My jealousy does not go that deep, nor would I deprive the owner to obtain it. My lady friend has suffered as I have, but to a lesser degree. She is able to work, if life is harsh. She has stayed to night work for many reasons, most of them having to do with her anti-social nature, at least in part due to her perpetual exhaustion. She has been going in for sleep studies (as have I, have no doubt). But for her, the results were significant enough that an intervention was seen as fitting and begun (which neither of us thought we would be able to tolerate, in theory). She says she is a new woman today, after a trial of that intervention last night. They told her she was in near constant R.E.M. sleep last night, as her body tried to catch up. Yeah, jealous… but not begrudgingly so.

We are going to a movie today, we missed it the other day. The Watchman is on, and that is one I wanted to see on the big screen. I hate going alone or I would have gone already, if I had somehow been able to clamber out of the cave as well. I honestly did not think she would ever make it. She came by early to tell me her good news and to tell me to be ready for a 13:00 showing. I had gone back to bed to get a bit more sleep, 13 hours is just a bit shy these days, when the doorbell rang. I was sure it was the Q.O.D., so I got back up to see what the difficulty with her would be this time (tongue in cheek here, mind you). It was not her, but a young woman with an invitation to some celebration of Christ’s birthday or something. I remained pleasant, thanked her for her time, accepted the brochure, and just could not quite go back to bed, so here I am. Never worry, I am not awake. Then again, when am I? A few hours a day, sometimes whole days (!), sometimes not for weeks at a time… am I really awake. But, it is what I have.

I think I feel something. Yeah, I do. Hunger. Then time for a nap. Bye.

Odd physical problems at the moment.

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I am not sure what the difficulty is, currently, other than it seems to be of a physical nature. My arms and leg muscles ache as if I have been physically straining them, I am once again exhausted but it feels like the type of exhaustion that comes from physical activity rather than from my other problem. I am sleeping in spats, staying up only 6 to 8 hours, and then needing sleep. And any real activity, such as grocery shopping or light packing exhausts me greatly. It is not worry, as I have pretty much taken care of those things which bother me. My dreams have been dark. I have found in the past, when I can remember dreams and they are of war that this can leech my strength. I cannot remember the dreams other than that they are dark, hard, and I am very physical in them. Odd that dreams can do that, but they do. I suppose it is those dreams that keep me in the shape I am in. Though I am overweight, and though I cannot seem to garner strength or fitness on demand, when need calls I seem to be able to function way beyond what a totally sedentary life should allow. Hike 12 miles, with a pack, no problem. Help people move, even in hot weather, not an issue. I wish this particular corpse I inhabit came with instructions, it baffles even the doctors.

I went to the dentist yesterday. I have poor tooth care habits, so I am always a little nervous when I go. It is not cavities that concern me, it is the displeasure of my care providers. As usual, I received an A+, and more. They found cavities that had started to form, stopped, and even reversed themselves and started healing. My gums had no recesses, or pockets. Neither the cleaning technician nor the dentist where particularly pleased, especially when I indicated I had only brushed perhaps 10 times since I had seen them last. My smirk does not add to their favorable view. But it is light, not heavy disdain they poor upon my tired head. And, I still have that smirk. I am sure, perhaps, one day God will wipe that smirk right off my face. And, should I be able, I will gladly trade it for a face indicating the simple sublime. Oh, I might as well be honest. That smirk comes not from pride but from a lack of understanding as to why my health is so good in spite of it being so bad. It is more like a perfectly healthy and more human being frozen into an inability to function for no health reasons at all. I am dying of aging… A slow process. An uncomfortable process. But while time passes me by, I remain fitter than could be imagined. Even this exhaustion, and the aching muscles, come from some form of my body’s work-out routine. It keeps itself fit this way, somehow.

I have not called the dealership. I really am just too exhausted, mentally and physically, to deal with that today. Actually, I could not get the trash out this morning, I could not wake up. I even set alarms, which while they woke me, I could not wake enough to do more than put them on snooze or reset them. I was not able to rise until about 14:00. Dreams, lots of them. I do remember a few lesser ones, but not the bad ones. It is now 16:56 or so, and guess what? I need to go back to sleep. Not even my game can keep me awake. I hope your sleeps are nourishing. If they are, feel blessed, for you are. I live two or three days in a day, lately. It is confusing. Anyway, goodnight, at least until later this afternoon or evening? Bah!

To be honest…

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Things went down hill quickly when I left school and stopped medicine. I do not think it was the medicine, as that was becoming as much a problem as it was helpful. I started playing a computer game and was not dealing with real life at all. Phone calls were ignored, mail was stacked and properly ignored, and I left the house only when I was able and then only to go to the store for food. Well, my lady friend dragged me out into to the darkness from time to time. Which would have been fine, if my assumptions were correct. My assumption, the primary one, was that everything was on automatic pay. My bad.

My credit cards were not being paid. Neither was my automobile payment. I found out this month my auto was 3 months in arrears. My cards were a bit behind as well. I have not been spending money, but then I had seen my balances and thought they were completely available for the move. After finally paying some attention, and then realizing these things, I got busy. I paid one of my cards off whole (I do not charge unless I have the cash, so no big deal there). The other card received a healthy pay, and is scheduled for another good chunk this coming month. As for the auto, I agreed to pay one payment this month and 1 and ½ payments from here on until I am caught up (and I think I will just continue that payment plan, to have it paid of well and early). After looking at my balances, I actually paid my first payment and a half this month. So, I am taking care. As well, I would still have enough to move this month if I chose to. Therefore, in a few months, I will be in really good financial shape for the move and my credit cards will be clean too, for emergencies or whatnot.

However, I became a bit tweaked yesterday. The car company called, asked for more than what we had agreed to, and indicated they need to call every three days. I really cannot handle that stress, and I told the woman that if this is indeed the case, I will return the vehicle. They have already messed up my finances and I cannot handle that much pushing. She said it is policy, and I indicated that policy will get the vehicle back in their lot in hard financial times. I then hung up. Yeah, grumpy, I think that might be it. But I just cannot stand this touchy push stuff. I was set to return the vehicle today, in my mind, but I had a dental appointment and some other things to do first. And, I had reconsidered. I think I will call my dealership and ask them to make sure what I was hearing was correct and seeing if they would like to mediate rather than have another vehicle sitting there rotting. It is amazing what happens when other people find that their fingers are in the same mouse trap mine are in, too.

One thing I am sure of is that whatever else, I really want to find a way to keep my home kempt. I am not good at this. I can be lost from or to flesh, or as I have suggested before accidentally transcendental, for long periods of time. I only live here part time. Perhaps like the necromongers in the movies, or Hera’s daughter, living in the lands of the flesh only partly, or sometimes. Where I go I cannot be sure. Even things of flesh, like mechanical devices, can be excessively confusing to me at times. From what I know of Zen, I imagine the perfection of that philosophy. Things of flesh are almost abysmal to me then. I cannot seem to understand touch, texture, or even pain. I sense them, might even intellectually understand, but I cannot seem to connect with them. Still, I love cleanliness. I enjoy a maintained home. Oh, I will always need a clutter room, my room. But the rest of the home will, somehow, be maintained. I will figure it out, I think

I am slowly trying to catch you all up on my life, and helping myself by creating order to the recent seeming lost times. By writing, I cement the reality and am more able to plan the near future and create even longer term plans. Writing is powerful for me. Words, even spoken but more written, have a connection with what is. They lead to real creation, development, and develop the true future. Try it, some time, if you do not do so already. Be well.

Death is never so sad…

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I have been contemplating my situation. With a profession and school out of my grasp, and little other use for me, I realize I am simply waiting to die. Oh, yes, I can enjoy some life before I die. And, I might have as much as 2, 3, even 4 decades or more to live. But, I am done. Doctors probably could help, if they were not cowering in fear of the legal community (and to some extent, their own moral majority, to twist a twist) or simply disinterested. But I am not willing to beg and I am hard pressed to trust them, at this point. No, it is over. And, it seems sad. I have stewed in sorrow a bit. That gets old. Then I started thinking.

Compared to most people’s lot, I think I prefer mine. So many people are living here to die for eternity. So many people cannot or will not accept more than some vague notion of ‘a god’, or accept God but really do not see how that affects them. They live in what they know is sin, even when they learn to hate the sin. They do not look for guidance, forgiveness, or real love for which their sin or sins fill in for. In an odd way, it is like two ships, sinking side by side, but in very different ways, for very different reasons, and to quite opposite ends. I realize the sadness of my situation is dwarfed by the shameful dissonance of the world of man with God.

Not that this notion brings me cheer. As I said, mostly, it is a greater sadness. That I can do nothing, and do not think I do not try, bothers me more than being disabled. However, it does add perspective. It allows me to see that what I lose is nothing compared to what whole people are throwing away. I am gaining more in my crippled status than those who have no infirmity. I was crying over my lot until I noticed this, and I cried the more. The “big tears” of Ulysis, I should think. And yet, there is some time. Maybe not much, for any of us, but some time. In that, I find some hope. Maybe a few more will find the Divine before the end. Sadly, though, I think more will be lost than will find their way. This is not the time for salvation. As I am dying, so is the world and in more ways than one.

Life is well, for the most part. I have stopped checking my blood pressure or sugar levels. I have collected all medications and am considering how best to dispose of them. I am 1/3 to ½ packed. And most things are coming together for the move and business-wise. I am wrapping most things up and preparing for a simple, sedate, solitary life. I think I will avoid most interactions with people. I see that most drift in life, their hands are not their own, and evil comes of it. I do not want most people around me, for that reason. I have tried to help some, I have prayed for them, I have served them, I have helped them were I may, all to no avail. They are closer to death than I.

Then again, perhaps Utah is not Iowa City. Though I do not abide Mormanism, as my religion, I see it and it’s fruits as more viable than most denominations of mainline “Christianity”. They have families, they have faith and a real faith not a social one, and they have gone to bat for it. I do know, however, that my faith may not be acceptable there. This is something I will have to find out. From what I have seen, however, that is not necessarily the case. I will find a Catholic Church there, and I will attend, irregularly as that may be. I have a difficult time doing anything at some particular time. If grocery stores were only open an hour a day, and I had no other means of getting food and no one to help, I would starve. I which that was a jest.

I do not think I will be completely packed by the end of the month. Maybe by the middle of next month, maybe not until the end of it. But certainly well in time to move. The extra time is ending up not being a bad thing. Still, I would rather be there, yesterday. This is a sad place, a lonely place, a dying place. The only hope here, for those I am among, is for gold, sex, drugs, and “self”. All of it will be washed away and lost, seen for the fools gold it is, when time is up. It is uncomfortable to be surrounded by these lusts, even or maybe more so, as I become inured to such things. Oh, I still have lusts, but they are the type one can reasonably lay claim within God’s will, if at times I stray a bit far afield. I have stayed celibate for 5 years, and will remain so until I find a wife, and then until after we are wed. I even avoid too much of a dip into the barley-corn, or whatnot. A few beers from time to time, a drink on an occasion, a shot or two to enjoy an evening warmly, if too a very occasional drift into a deeper cup. My other sins are more slight. I am sure sloth can fit, but considering my crippled nature, I am not sure how to avoid it. Ask a leper (of old) why he looks so shabby, it would be similar. And of course there are thoughts. Mostly of women. But, as time has passed, I have learned to control these for the greater part. Perhaps that is why I can be so grumpy? Meh, the price is worth the pound, mostly.

I hope you out there are enjoying life. I hope you are finding ways to keep life clean, kind, open, and honest? I have always felt that my readers are generally good folk. I cannot be certain, but I am not stupid either. I have learned from many of you, and been succored by your graces. Your names have crossed my lips when speaking to God. Even the Godless among you. There is still a little time. Oh, if you are ever curious about your nature, look to what you have sown from the seeds you have planted. Though I have no children, mostly, I think I have tried to sow honesty and love, respect in it’s due, and a harsh tongue it it’s. I know I have been wrong, but I know I am now on the right track. I hope you find yourself on the same train, even if we face the wrong way heading the right way, at times? Be well.

Much to say, not much to say after that.

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So, here it goes. Some of the good news first.

I did not get a B in my coursework. I worked very hard, and did what I could. I got two B’s! Well, one was a B+, but I count it. I received a B+ in physics and a B in probabilities and statistics for engineers. School, for sure, is at an end. Still, it was good to receive a letter releasing me from academic probation. I was on that due to a substantial failing when they first tried to put me on high blood pressure medicine, and could not stay awake more than 6 hours a day. That complicated school. In any case, that chapter of my life is closed and as successfully as I could have hoped in the end. I wrote my physics professor and asked for advice about digging further into physics. He offered a small list of suggested readings and some tactics. If I can get to it, I will. I enjoy the topic. And, as and if I find the way, I would like to tinker more with statistics. It is a powerful tool when used wisely and correctly, plus, it can be just plain fun.

My reloading equipment has arrived. I have not tinkered with it since I will be moving by April, barring some calamity. I have found some resources for finding a rental. My neighbor is from the state and has been a great source for doing research. I have found some help for the move, and though I am not looking forward to the event itself, I am comforted that the outcome is highly desirous. My mother will be helping me pack. I am also trying to bribe another friend into slave work. Ha. I have no idea about these things. The help is vital. They will get some mighty fine cast-offs, I should think. But I do prefer to give cold hard cash as well. Green works where maybes only tease. The deal for the AK’s fell through. The guy seemed shady, and the more I checked and tried to work with him, the worse it got. Perhaps he had “problems”, perhaps he was a cheat, either way, I could not do that. And I have not found a reasonable deal since.

Oh well, I may end up needing the money anyway. Still, it would be very nice to have a couple of those devices. They are handy, and though a cripple in ways, what I can do when against it might impress even the most notoriously doubtful. I just cannot do things for long stretches of time. Then again, I think most people are more impressive than they think. They have just never had that tested.

Bad news? Yeah. I will start slowly and work to the crescendo.

I have not been blogging for a number of reasons. My machine took a dump, and I really do not have the money for new or repair. Like I said, I cannot even really afford a gun I believe to be vital. This machine is hacked, bugged, broken a bit, and frustrating. When it fell down, I was able to half mend it, but my email was broken and some other things are still messed up. I was able to do enough to sort of do email, and hopefully, now, blogging again. It has been quite a difficulty. I am hoping to get going, as soon as I move, on figuring out my finances and how to procure a few things, including a machine and what it takes to keep it clean and clear. Till then everything internet, including blogging, will be spotty.

Now, the hard part. I realize, at this point in life, it is over. My life has ended if I yet breath. I will do nothing to hasten my end, nor will I avoid it. I will be playing computer games, sleeping odd hours, and doing the little things that life absolutely requires. The rest seems beyond my grasp. I will not be checking my bp, glucose, or even seeing doctors. They cannot or will not help, or muck it up when they are actually successfully helping. I guess that is it. I am pretty sure I will have no way of leaving my house often to do the things I want, like climbing, camping, hunting, or such. I enjoyed school, understand. Frustrating as it was, it was always an exploration of subjects, challenged my intellect, pushed some of my limits, and brought various areas together as a focus through which I began to see larger ideas and possibilities. No, I am probably going to be homebound. At least I will able to look out of my window and hopefully see mountains. I will see snow, rain, wind, and be in clean air. I will live near people who are grounded, earthy, natural, and conservative. And, I will die that way. Soon or late, probably sooner. There are worse places and more difficult situations to end though. I will not complain. I guess I had just hoped I could recover, come back to life, be a part of society, or a profession, and be useful. This is as painful for me as life has been in a decade or more. Here I sit all broken-hearted... Yeah, laugh damn you!

So, that is the story to now. If this works, I will try to blog a bit more. Oh, and the other part of the story I was going to tell? I will save that for when I move and then when I have a secure machine. Then you will know, as one ornery and interesting old fart liked to say… the rest of the story.

It is 28 F, or less.

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I was born for this weather. I was interested in warming up to get going today. To do so, I heated the cave to 72 F. It worked, but when I returned from doing my shopping, wow!, the cave was just way too hot! So, wearing the tee-shirt I had been wearing, I stripped down other than that (and of course my unders), put on a pair of shorts, and donned the mules. And then out into the night I went. Nice! I love the cool nights. Especially in between the garage and the house. Even if there is no wind flow for the most part, this area creates a breeze. I have been out several times to chill, even after I got the house down to 68 (I cannot get it lower without a great risk of losing the furnace). And, though I like the cool, I do not enjoy having it down to 57 all the time. It makes caving in my unders a bit too much. Anyway, my room stays about 58 F, the rest of the house stays about 68 F. I have options!

I have been enjoying my downtime. I will continue to do so. The first is right around the corner. With a little party (with or without company) then, and a few days of recovery if needed, I will begin in earnest figuring out my next moves and packing as well. I would like to be pretty much ready to move by February. And, I would like to know where I am going by then as well. Perhaps finding a place to live in the winter mountains is easier during the winter, set for a spring(ish) move? I will find out. It will probably be Utah. Though they probably disparage deserters... it might be difficult to do that when the deserter is 100% permanent and total disabled… from the service itself. Talk about a mess, they will figure it out. When they find out I am not interested in drugs, do not want trouble, and am a freeman and Christian, life should be easier for all of us. If they dare dig deeper, they will become quieter still. Not many dead men with good attitudes and righteous notions travel anywhere, let alone their way. Especially since I choose to travel their way for their notions. Just some thoughts.

I will be getting a couple of AK-47s shortly. I might also get another XD Tactical (5” barreled) .45 acp. Having 13 +1 in a reasonably hefty, comfy, and accurate .45 is nothing to sneeze at. Two of such only makes me feel even more comfortable. Two of those is pretty much like having two semi-auto subs, if you know what you are doing. As a bonus, I do. Well, good enough for government work. (Please, no emails about that, thank you… just take it as you want to take it should you seem to have an objection and you will be fine. :P) My reloading equipment will be being sent the 29th or 30th or 31st. I was not sure when I would be back and did not want it sitting out where anybody could take it. Though I did find that reloading expendables are all sold out. Cannot even get backorders for caps. Wow, either manufacturers are already being knee-capped, or sales were outrageous. I will just have to figure things out as time goes on. With a communist monkey in office, it might become more of a fight than I thought.

I have been wine tasting tonight. And a bit of beer. But I stayed away from blogs (needlessly it seems). The wine has tasted great, as usual. I have a favored brand, but I found one of their wines I had not had before. So, on top of my usual, and the beer, but before these others, I tried it. It is a bit fruitier, sweeter, and milder. It is nice for certain occasions, lighter beef fare, perhaps with lamb too, and really it could be the desert or with a good chocolate cake or angel cake desert (right on it, perhaps like a port, if not so sweet or alcoholic). Beer with lemon and the other wine have topped off the event. I did not get too inebriated this eve. I have just kept a nice warm fuzzy feeling going. Ah… splendid.

Well, back to goofing. On a side note, first… The other day I wrote that I woke at 7:30 or so. Well, I did. But it was in the pm, or 19:30 for those like myself. *sigh* So much for staying on schedule. But then, I did indicate that I was not quite awake. Oh well…

Be well, warm, friendly, giving, ornery, and loved. If you are not, leave a comment. I will do what I can to fix you up. Bah!

A nice morning.

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I woke at 7:00. I have been goofing this morning, waking up as I usually do... slowly. I need to begin making my plans. I need to figure out where I am going and what I am going to do. I need to decide how to get there, how much it will cost, and the best way to do it as economically as possible. I still have a few things I wish to buy, and a couple of things are still in the process of being procured. But the first two hours after waking up is not the time to be doing that exploring and decision making. As a fact, the only thing that first two hours is good for is getting my eyes to stay open and deciding if I need to use the lavatory or not (which I did, if you are curious).

By the way, I was able to tend the call to my Mom. I called her home while she was away. I left a message letting her know I made it home and am well. I was polite, and as always, told her I loved her. I know, in time, I will need to talk with her personally. For now, this will do. I cannot change the fact that we are the way we are and that we cannot live together. I cannot change some things. She should have known this. Even with my family and friends, business is business.

I may begin looking at areas on the internet. I might do some price checking. But I am not going to do a lot of heavy work until after New Years. As well, I will (probably) hold off packing a great deal until then as well. Little jobs might be done, but the major tasks will just have to wait. The same goes for all other local tasks I wish to accomplish. Those will wait until after the first. I need some down time, here in the cave. I need to relax and get my bearings. I need to settle with the notion that school is over, probably forever. I have to understand that I will probably never work, or be useful, in any significant way. I am retired.

Then again, I do not want to relax into oblivion, even for a short bit. I am going to have to keep on the surface, at least until I am working toward my move. Then I will have to ramp things up a bit. I will only be able to really rest, again, when I am finally moved wherever it is I end up. I have to watch things then, as well, though. That pit is too deep if I just drop and allow it. I will need to begin finding out about the land around me, some of the people, church, and a few other things. Some of these things will be researched before I go, yet research is nothing like reality quite often. I will have more than one option when I move, too. If one place does not work like I thought it would, I need to have a second and third option, right from the start. I am not willing to settle on lesser places. I am looking for a place to live the rest of my life. I want to be happy, comfortable, and safe.

Happiness, not being what most people seem to think, is a real quantity I am looking for. To me it is a deep sense of personal, moral, ethical, and social harmony. It comes from finding a place where, even if I do not fit, I can at least find a place within what is around me. I know now I will never actually fit anywhere. I do not fit with “intellectuals”, they are too often pansies. I do not fit with hicks, they live their own ways and are no more moral than the “intellectuals”. I do not fit with the freaks, the average, or the above or below average. If I am not necessarily singular, I am close enough. I understand I will not find a place and a people, I will merely find a place I can enjoy with people who can let well enough alone without isolating me either.

I am not sure what to do, at the moment. I have too much time and I am trying to take it easy until January. I can goof a bit, and enjoy that. But it does get boring. If the weather is still warm, I may head out and take a look around some of my favorite summer areas. It got to 50 F around here, after several weeks of a hard frozen world. I am not sure what it is today. I know I can gear up for up to -40 F (at least) though, so I should be good. Maybe tomorrow. I have not heard if my friend will be coming through or not. I have not heard a word from my lady friend. So, for now, I am on my own to do what I will. One thing for sure, I am hoping to regulate my sleeping and waking periods. So, my goal is to stay awake all day. Maybe I can begin going over some of my coursework.

I will figure it out. Have a good day.

Mum…

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She called this morning, crying and such. She wants me to call, which of course I will do. I got home a bit late last night and I am just waking this morning, so I had not done that. I think she knows or at least fears that I will not be living with her now. I must admit, to a degree, I tested her. I wanted to know how this would work. It was not a harsh test or a tricky test. And, in part, it was natural (I really could not sleep and so I really could not wake well or early because of it). But not doing a task when I had finally awaken was to check her response, especially with company there. After being awake only a half hour, she wanted me to get going on taking the Christmas lights down (not very many and they are all on the ground, more like lighted decorations). I would have been pleased to do the work, take them down, store them away, but not “right now”. And, I prefer to work alone. I do not want her (or anyone's) interference. If I am unsure about something, I will ask (such as where they go, if there are boxes, etc., which I ask up front). She wants things done NOW, when she is in certain moods. Which is fine, for someone else, perhaps.

My blood pressure this morning was almost as good as it gets on medicine. It was 162/100. My best ever has been 136/96 or so. My pulse was 76, where my normal (since boot camp) was more like 80 to 90, resting (same with bp being about that “best ever”, as I recall, maybe 10 off both(?) maybe right there… something like that). I slept well here at the cave. I do not have classes to take, I do not have demands put on me by anyone, and I can sleep and wake as I wish (need). As well, I can keep the sleeping cave cool. I should get going on packing but I am enjoying the relaxation of the season. Plus, much of the business I would like to do is just not doable at the moment due to the season (yeah!).

I will give Mum a call. I know she is going to be a bit freaky when she knows for sure that I will not be moving in. I just have to be prepared for a hang-up or screeching that might require me to hang up. Bump… just felt the bp take a leap. Oh well. I will take a nap after that.

Have a good day.

It will not work.

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I hope you all had a Merry Christmas? I did. Simple, family oriented, and for the most part quiet. Few gifts were exchanged, but the gifts were sought and wanted. Talk, of course, fills the time and separates quiet times like eating fills the hunger. Food, as usual, was good and plentiful. Relatives, friends, and people I had not seen in some time were included. It was more like Christmas as I think it should be.

I had some difficulty sleeping at my Mom’s place. I think the way the place is set, the rooms are warmer than I can be comfortable in. I was glad to see her and I enjoyed most of the time. When our troubles became too much though, I left early. I see clearly that we cannot live together. So, I will begin looking for a place to move. Winter is a difficult time, but there might be some options that make it easier, if they are affordable. I will begin looking into Pod’s moving service, among others. Barring all else, I suppose a rental truck, a few pieces of equipment to allow a one man move, some phone calls, and a return flight might be the way to go. I have until April 1st, but I also need to pack and finish a few bits of business and work here.

My friend ended up not visiting on his way. He started a bit late, the roads were difficult, and I think he just wanted to… not need to negotiate… something. Perhaps I am too much like his father, a bit of a tyrant in a way, or something. I am positive he had overextended his driving. He had expected to drive too far in too little time and crashed short of his various goals. But I think some of that is pseudo subconscious yet somewhat thought out. That is fine though, I only suspect it because I find myself doing such mysterious oddities from time to time myself. When life gets a bit tough, we all tend to do what we need despite what we say. And, for real reasons. He may be back through on his way home. It depends on if he schedules well. Then again, like him, sometimes my scheduling skills are a bit weak. It is difficult to know for certain with some people, we keep some things close to our vest and remain as inscrutable as muddy waters. That is good too, if frustrating for those who do not understand.

I left on fairly bad terms with my mother. And though I will not be staying with her, or even more so because of that, I want to mend fences. She is a chain smoker, a bad nag, and too headstrong, but also her place is too small to store my stuff, I would only have a room and no garage, and the place is just too warm. Even more though, she says what she is paying is almost what I am paying here. I was hoping to pay a good 70 percent so she could stow up some cash, but for an insecure room and no garage in a small town, I will not do that. On top of that, I know she is a mooch. Oh, and she elevated my blood pressure by as much as 40 on the high score and 15 on the low (my blood pressure went from 180’ish over 120ish to 220/135, she would kill me in no time). Sorry, but that is the way of it. Even so, I do not wish to light out on bad terms. Especially since I know we will not see each other again for a very long time, if ever.

I am hoping to begin working out a bit too, as time and stress exhaustion (or whatever the cause) lifts. I think I will lift weights first, then try to get back to swimming. The weights I can do on my schedule, and perhaps lifting will put me back in shape to begin a functional schedule so that I am able to be to swimming at 6:00. I will have to be a bit careful with it with the blood pressure high again. But without medications I think nothing else will bring my blood pressure down or give me a chance at any kind of life. I think it was helping back when, on top of the functional medicine, it should be interesting to see if it can help on it’s own. As well, I would like to get the camera and darkroom equipment, plus the ‘Chinese calligraphy’ kit, and get going on those. Some things to get organized and started with. A few things to bide my time and expand my horizons. Oh, that and the physics work I am hoping to start as well. For probability and statics, I think I can go over what I have done and try and get a better grip on it. There was a lot of fat there that could and should be re-chewed in order to actually gain anything long lasting from the course.

That is that, for now. I am going to tinker until bedtime. I just arrived to the cave after a 5 hour drive through fog and wind. At least there was no ice or snow. Goodnight.

I keep seeing it.

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I keep seeing thoughts of revolt. I keep seeing signs of violence. And, really, whatever. The honest truth is that a revolt cannot win. Unless or until the government does something so over the top that even middlings are willing to stand up AND the military and police are willing to defend the constitution (assuming they have not been equally corrupted), anything done will not work. Then, even then, doubt any reasons given for a coup. Watch for the power hungry in that cabal itself. And understand that such a thing will end, possibly just as surely as if they do nothing, the way we live, how we understand life, and who we are. Then again, I think that is gone in any case. Also understand, if the election was legitimate (which I question for a number of reasons), you might be fighting for people who do not wish to be defended. They are not stupid, they know the price of socialism. Maybe they deserve it. So, if not sticking your head in sand, perhaps finding a place to go to be right would be the better solution. I know, slim choosing, but there are still places, for now.

So you want war? The only thing that makes America different, to date, is we have mostly kept our wars out of our nation, we have been very reluctant to go to war, we are not like the rest of the world. For good or ill, nuclear weapons ended war as we know it shortly after we were created. We do not have millennia of history, hate, war, and destroyed weakened civilizations and societies within societies. We have, for the most part, been successful according to our will to fight. With the advent of nukes, our will has weakened. We live in the land of milk and honey and Americans were quite willing to sacrifice other people and their real hopes, rights, and lives in order to keep our own goodies. Right or wrong, that is the way of it.

Everything, right now, is on the table. We have a government that is evil, whole, unadulterated, immoral, amoral, vile. Our choices are slim. And yet, that is the bulk of history, the majority of governance, and the general way of things. We have been an exception to the rule, no longer. How much we can keep, simply via civil disobedience, I do not know. But given that this president and his cronies honestly discussed liquidating 25 million, or more, Americans in order to activate their “utopia”, I just cannot say. What I must say, however, is that doing anything proactively would be unwise. Striking the wrong targets (thus creating enemies which should be allies), hitting civilians (thus becoming terrorists), or acting before actual need is a great and terrible risk. One that is bound to lose and cement what seems to be what is to be. Waiting too long, should that possible genocide begin, has it’s own risks. All I know is that when I stand before God I want to be sure any blood on my hands is definitively the blood of His enemies… not just mine.

Think people. Be cautious, be curious, be nervous, be ready, but think.

Time and the cold.

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There was no use getting out the snow blower. It does not blow frozen ice even if it looks like snow. When three hundred pounds of me, simulating an angry gorilla cannot break the “snow”, the snow blower will not work. So, I have frozen stuff all over. I suppose I will have to try and figure out what, exactly, to do. I have a shovel but it is plastic for one thing, and even if I get a metal one I will need a pick or ice chipper as well. That is after a day of sunshine. Wonderful. In any case, I will figure it out. I am not staying here for the holidays.

My lady friend stopped by today. I suppose the laundry places are closed. She wanted to be fed. What I had on hand was not sufficient, so she asked for pizza. Fine, and they delivered amazingly. She has four wheel drive. She still almost got stuck in the driveway. She was worried about it when she arrived. I assured her we (I) would get her unstuck and out if need be and not to worry. After the meal, we played Scrabble. I won this one. She napped, I goofed, it was fine. She had wanted me to go read or something quiet, as my computer is very loud. I suggested she dream of a quiet place and continued on the machine. I was not feeling like serving today, not to that extent. She slept just fine, except for the squirrels in the walls (really, I am sure they are not rats or mice or they would leave evidence of several sorts.

While she was here, she noticed there were people walking around “upstairs”. This is a one level duplex, the “attic” is actually just an unfinished insulation and perhaps storage area. I had noticed people were up there, but pretty much just try to ignore the neighbors. I think they try to have way to many people live there, and tuck some of them up there. When she mentioned it, I decided to call the landlord about it and let him know. As usual, he tried to say there was no one up there. I handed the phone to my lady friend who had been listening to our conversation. He got an earful and no buts about it. After she made absolutely sure he understood, he asked to talk to me again. What can I say. Other than that I hope they do not fall through. Home invasion would not be a fun thing for anyone, except maybe me. I do have a bit of a wild streak. Guns, swords, knives, pepper spray, fighting batons, blackjacks, brass knuckles, and such are not necessary, they just add flavor or even odds. I even have several pair of handcuffs and thumbcuffs. Nothing like being prepared if survivors might be a frowned upon eventuality.

The cave is getting in better shape. I will try and call my friend this evening and see if he made it as far as he had hoped. I spoke with my lady friend and asked if she would take the keys if he is really late, so he could still stay here if I have gone already. She thought about it, wrinkled up her face so I thought she would say no, then said yes as if it was not a strain. She is too funny. It would save him some money and I would leave some food here for him. Plus, I think he misses the old place. He was in the other apartment, but it is pretty close, a mirror image, really. I will find out at about 20:00 or 21:00, if I can make contact. Well, that is about now, so…

My last test has been graded and posted already. It looks like I did a bit above average, but not by much. Not an A to be sure. I do not know how my scores stack up, but it looks like I should be able to get at least a C. Though a C is a bit of a let down, it is not a failure. A C and a B would not be too bad of an end. Though I will miss the learning I will not miss the nail-biting, clawing for purchase, and competition. And, I can continue to learn if only for my own purposes.

Stay warm and travel safely or enjoy as much time inside as you can. Unless you live somewhere warm. Then, stay in where it is cool. :p

Sleep finally came.

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I could not sleep. I was not hungry either. A full week of studies for the tests, if they had weakened my physically, given me great pain in my leg muscles back and assorted other parts because of the position I study best and most often (nearly a kneel, with my bum merely resting on the couch a bit), added some weight through the eating frenzy, had also geared me up for the final test. Even going with only two or three hours of sleep did not touch that tension. I did not sleep until 1:30 or so. But the sleep was delicious! I know I dreamed, but I think the dreams were good. I believe I visited some exotic places, usually hiking and backpacking, though I think there was one vacation which was sheer leisure and pampering. I may even have flown somewhere again. Flight dreams are among my favorite, only some dreams were I am an animal are cooler (being a grey-back wolf pack leader was the best of those). I slept until 15:30 or a bit later. Most of my tender parts are better, my tension is mostly gone, and I am refreshed. Loverly.

Before I slept last night, a friend called. He will be coming through, probably Monday. That is pushing my scheduled leave time just a bit, but it is certainly not a problem. I usually plan to leave a day earlier than I usually do so he will not really be delaying me. :p I am planning on a steak dinner with some fine sides, a scotch and whiskey night of man talk, and some catching up. He is definitely a scientific type. And yet, he is a gun man too. Beyond, he has a Catholic past. If he has set that past aside for now, that it exists helps. Though I do not have a Church of Christ history, I have probably always been a papist (or as close as Americans get to that) in what I believe religiously, culturally, and such. He might even be a hair conservative, if he thinks I am Darth Vader-ish too. Bah! Anyway, the visit should be good.

I forgot to mention this, but last week while dining with the neighbors, the wife mentioned a treat she had made previously. It was a cranberry bread type desert, which was served with a buttery topping. She indicated she had too much topping left over, so needed to make more dessert in order to not waste. She asked if I would possibly be interested. I love questions like that if I never understand why they are asked. Me, want food? Hmm, let me think. I wish I could, just once, take a whole test like that. Hahahahaha A++! So, she prepared it and sent it over. I really wanted to rip into it right then and there, but only had one piece. Control folks, control. On Friday, when I was a bit low as it was later, I was tired, I was sore, and the material was beating me about the head and head… I consumed the largest portion. It revived me well enough to finish my efforts. So, many thanks to you know who!

I need to get the cave in order for company now though. He has a 16 hour drive, then a 9 hour drive to get here, and then he has a big drive after that. He is stopping on his way home. I would like to have the place ready to cook and comfortable to the mind and body. I like leaving it like that in any case, but more so for this reason. Dishes really need doing, a bit of laundry (not too much, I have been tending that at least), and a good deal of tidying needs doing. I have a bit of time but that time is limited. This will hold off my proposed blog a bit, but I will be thinking about it. Perhaps it will improve the thing. So, hold your horses.

It is done.

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I worked most of last night, sleeping a bit this morning. I woke, slowly, so by the time I was set to go I needed to move quickly. Unfortunately it had rained and snowed last night. Though there were fewer vehicles on the road what were there moved very slowly. I was a bit late. Rather than raise a fuss, I simply and quietly walked up, received the exam, and found a seat. The extra study helped. The little bit of rest helped. I did my level best. I even feel good about the test. But I have found that my notion of how I did does not equate to how I actually did in this class. Too many of the questions require a lot more work than what they appear to need. Missing a greater or less than sign (>, <), not realizing something is one-sided, and receiving too much data to really get a grip on what is wanted are common tactics. These exams and quizzes have been thinking men’s work, not simple formula cookie cutter problem solving. And, yes, I like that if in this case I have been beaten up and bruised. Meh, that actually really IS a part of engineering school. Ask any engineer.

I do not know how long before I receive letter grades in either class. I had hoped for two B’s. And, if I did very well on this exam, perhaps or not, I could get it. I might actually have to get an A or A+, and maybe not even then? I know I did everything I could, pushing every real ounce of what I had available for class this year. I even crawled out of the chasm to find health care in order to continue during one period. That is something I have never been able to do before. Whatever the grades I know I worked with everything I could and more. As with the exam I refused to cheat while taking, because of my efforts, I cannot fail regardless of the grades. It would be nice to earn better grades, this being the end, but what will be will be.

Later today or tomorrow I am going to post something private. My darkest secret. Now that I am leaving here and because I will not be in class so facing students, faculty, or staff, or anyone else locally who may be reading here, I suppose it is time. I have told you all other things. And, at times this has slipped out if I have been able to erase it or get others to do so on their blogs quickly, and to some of you this will not be news. But for many of you… I do have some concerns.

I would like to take a nap. I cannot, however, I am still too ramped up. Whether it is that I am tight from the exam, finals week, the whole of the term, getting used to the idea that I will not be continuing school (or medication), the move(s) that await, or all of the above, but I am absolutely wired. Actually, I have not been taking medicine for a while, so that probably is not it. Whatever, I think I will be awake until tonight. Hopefully I will have a fantastic sleep when I can sleep. I need it. I need to come down as only sleep can do and I need energy to put the cave in some kind of order before visiting my Mom for Christmas. I also have a few other odd jobs and some shopping I am hoping to tend to before I go. One of them I am going to try and manage aft… Actually, the dealer called me just as I was writing that last. One of my odd jobs is completed.

Next.

Studying is not going well.

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Sure, I am going through it. I have my cheat sheets, for the most part, ready, and I continue on. The knees are creaking and sore from sitting so long, having studied for two finals consecutively, even other parts of my body are sore. The mind is difficult to focus. The material seems just as elusive as when I started. I am not packing it in, but time will do that for me. The test is tomorrow morning at 9:45. I will want to get some sleep and try to rise earlier. I do not believe I will study in the morning before this test though. It would probably only confuse things.

On the good side, both of my professors were good, in my opinion, this year. That has definitely not always been the case. They spoke clearly, they did their best to clarify the material, and the one I needed to depend on the most was available and rather forgiving in many ways. I cannot say I did not get a fair shake at the material, so it is in my hands. Urhm, my shaking hands. Of course, to worry will profit me not a whit. So, I think I will order a pizza, get back to studies, take a break when it comes. Finish off around 22:00 or 23:00, then hit the sack. Sleep does help a great deal… if I can wake up well enough and early enough. Back to it… shaken, and stirred, I think.

The crazy thing is, if my health would hold or if there was a medicine which really would help, I would stick through this. I love it, even the harshness of it a bit. Bummer. Maybe I can bring some of the discipline and desire I gained here to whatever it is I end up doing, as I can do it. I have noticed that many people have no idea what they are doing, honestly. They do what they do because they were taught what they do and have not thought about it since. A simple suggestion has often, if accepted, changed the speed of an eventuality, the ease of a task, and the outlook of the target. Then again, being called a know it all is no fun either. Especially when one is not. I do not even wish to be.

I am pretty sure the ideal of what I am learning has greatly impacted my personal life and has changed what I do, what I can do (or believe is possible, so try), and how I do it. Between my own understandings, the internet, libraries, book stores, and sources both human and otherwise out there, about the only thing I will not tinkering with, given an interest or need, is other people’s medical needs. People are out of my emotional capacity, while they are in distress, to deal with. Though if they can handle the pain, I could stitch them up, or a few other things, as I can and have for myself if necessary. But I will not unless I am sure they will not whine about scars, yelp in pain, or do other unnerving things (or sue).

Well, back to it.

I have added a goodly number of reads.

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I have been meaning to do this for... a while. I finally got to it this morning. There are a number of blogs I visit very regularly. They deserve to be here, they have put up with my malcontent and warmongering ways, and think I see much, too much. Thankfully, they see some of what I see, if not all of it, so they have not gotten a writ to exile me upon pain of... blog death or something. I meant to put them up long ago, but in my haste to do as little as possible as quickly as possible, it took a while. Do not concentrate on what I say, go with the spirit of the thing folks. There is no try, there is only do or not. I doed! I doed! Thanks you for your patience.

From The Management.

The Mechanic

The analysis indicates that the author of http://wherewhisperslinger.blogspot.com/ is of the type:

ISTP - The Mechanics

The independent and problem-solving type. They are especially attuned to the demands of the moment are masters of responding to challenges that arise spontaneously. They generally prefer to think things out for themselves and often avoid inter-personal conflicts.

The Mechanics enjoy working together with other independent and highly skilled people and often like and seek fun and action both in their work and personal life. They enjoy adventure and risk such as in driving race cars or working as policemen and firefighters.







You might like this artist!

How true this is I cannot say, I can only say that I believe it to be exactly accurate. Though, I am not highly skilled at anything if I do prefer to work with professionals in fields which interest me, and I seem to find them in the oddest of ways. Oh, and though I do avoid interpersonal difficulties, to a degree, if they exist I avoid the problems, or people if necessary, so that I neither betray my notions nor go with the flow. Dumb is dumb, and I leave it at that. I am anxious to see if the artist they offer is of interest.

By the way, it was murder to get this to work on Boggle. They did not have a simple cut and paste, and Boggle was doing it's level best to accept nothing, while my mouse is triple and quad clicking everything, making editing difficult. Something is really wrong with my machine, but no time to fix it, if it can be fixed. Ah well, it is done.

*poof*

Study is difficult.

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Even with my tricks, studying is very hard because the material is exacting and wide ranging. I am not sure if I will get through it three times, if that is the goal. Twice might be more realistic, if perhaps even then a bit hopeful. Has anyone eaten a three pound steak in a half hour? Has anyone given three pints of blood in one sitting? Yes, it is not far from that. No exploding stomach or need for fluids, but the brain gets a bit cramped. Even with a whole week to study this much material, it would be just as difficult. I have until Friday morning. I did fiddle time away this weekend, though I suspect I needed the time off more than any study would have helped. I am very glad I do not have two tests to study at once and that I had a large separation between the tests.

Food has been great though. I am wearying of chicken, but it does the trick. Cold cuts get old very fast as well. And I think the pig feet buffet, along with the rest, has led to occasional heartburn. At least that is fixable, and quickly, with a little baking soda water mix. Then it is back to studying, eating, or napping. :p The furnace has stayed lit, except for that once. And I was able to relight it quickly enough. Two more days, and then I can rest a bit.

My mother called, wanting to know when I would be home. I told her I would like to take the weekend off and then drive home. I have ordered 2 lobster for New Years Eve, here, with my lady friend, so I will not be staying till then. My lady friend does not know this. She does not particularly like lobster, as the thing scares her and the complication of extracting the meat is too daunting for her. I will do most of this for her, however, as she does love the meat itself. A week with my mother, for Christmas plus and minus a few days, and back to the cave to spiffy it up and prepare for another feast. The holidays should be enjoyable.

Oh, I wrote my physics professor and asked him about where to go from here regarding self study. He replied quickly and happily it seems, with some fine advice. He even asked if there are any particular areas so that he might be able to refine his suggestions even more. At this time, I think I will just go with his advice as it stands but ask if, in the future after studying the material he advised, that if I have a more specific area of interest, if he would mind if I emailed at that time. I was quite pleased to get the response. I can see from his class, and his advice, that he teaches and thinks much along the lines of how I suspect things should be taught and learned. I do like my other professor, and I think he is fair within the confines of the course.

I think engineering courses are disasters for conscious learning. They, I think, are meant to do three things. Keep the student from straying by almost making them hate certain subjects, teach subconsciously through a demand to integrate things unconsciously and be able to use that (or fail), and to strip away the fear of the unknown (or create such a fear of it that we are a bit crippled by it, or maybe both, again to keep us on course and out of side subjects). As for my part, I think engineering schools need to be a lot more up-front about their expectations and the fact that they mean to fail students. They need to explain that most subjects are not meant to be areas of interest or even learning, but merely things that must be done any way possible. In spite of what is suggested, cheating is a means that seems to be allowed, or as I see it. Being allowed powerful calculators, being told not to use them in certain ways, while having no checks on that, seems to indicate that cheating is a method. Not just in this class, but in others. If it did not affect the chance for advanced schooling, that would be fine, but as I see it, it does affect the outcome. Ok, that is my rant on engineering school. I will let it rest there, most likely forever. Who knows, maybe in my time, I will find a school I trust, a program in which I fit, and a culture around that which is tenable. But I am not holding my breath, at least until this spring… should I “decide” to take an unregulated swim again. :p

I am hoping, once classes are over, to begin trying to work out again. I will, of course, begin packing and sorting, throwing and giving away, in order to move in as easy a fashion as possible. My mother indicated she may visit for a week to help in this endeavor. I might have to see if I can get here up a time or two more, if just for a few weekends. I do not need her muscle, just the one between her ears, and her will. She is a force to be reckoned with, a force of nature. If she cannot bend metal, she can instill the fear of God in men so that we can. *laughs* No kidding there, if it is quite humorous, mostly. My lady friend might be cajoled into some help, especially since she will be profiting from this in the way of bookcases, a really nice folding main/side table, and other things. She is getting a computer too, a laptop, but that is a Christmas present so I will not hold that over her (unless she needs help getting going… techniphobes, arghhhh!).

That is life in a nutshell. Oh, wait. I have received my license to buy pretty much any gun, short of class C (is it). And, I have set up my account to buy that reloader. I will leave a message today for a call Friday afternoon (after the test) for the reloader. And I will begin finding LLCs (or whatever) for receiving ordered rifles and such and begin purchasing those that I have on my short list, perhaps a pistol too if the money is right. If nothing else, these will only increase in value when communism comes to town, since laws are not being applied to the office of the presidency from the Supreme Jerks on down. So be it.

Two tricks.

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The furnace is still tweaky. I cannot stand that stupid thing. I would usually keep it cool, say 66-68 F, but turning it down that low has always made it click off if it at least used to be simple matter of turning it up to get it back on, if I had to brave getting out of bed in 50’s F temps to do so. Now, however, the chance of turning the thing back on is in question. So, I keep it at 70 F and hope it stays lit. I do not dare turn it up to help me wake up in the mornings. Though it will warm to that, when I have it try and cool back to 70, it shuts off and stays off. Unless, of course, one of the three tricks (different tricks than in the title, hold your horses, I am getting to those) works to bring the furnace back online. I have already had four incidence where the furnace would not relight and I had to have the repairman visit. Every time, however, the furnace relit before he got here (even after, one time, being down for a week before he came by, and with me doing nothing to relight it). It is something I will not miss. If I were a paranoid man, I would be looking for a malefactor, one with two legs. Actually, I am paranoid. I just do not care enough about some things.

Ah, back to the main course, the two tricks. The two tricks are what I have finally decided work the best when studying for finals. After my time in college, one would have thought I would have chanced upon them before now. Unfortunately, that is not the case. I have studied notes, done all the homework again as time allowed, read the book, done the tests and quizzes, and worked myself to death, often with little added benefit. All the time, worrying so much that I ate little and became tired throughout. The first trick, pick a small section of material to cover. I would go for the tests and quizzes, at this point. Ignore homework, notes, and the book unless stuck, then look to the notes first, homework second, and completely ignore the book and go to the professor or a TA if those do not do it. An email will work, if it is a simple thing. The book is a paperweight and problem source, not a solution almost ever. The second trick is to eat well. Eating well, and perhaps a little more, may add a few pounds to my lean frame (ha!), but it gives me energy to work, work hard, work consistently, and concentrate. I eat what I feel like eating, as well, not what a doctor would recommend specifically to me or even generally. Lots of protein, a goodly lot of fats, and carbohydrates if easily available. Sure, chew on fruit if you want, but that is not what works for me. I can buy a dozen pieces of fried chicken, a couple of jars of pickled pig feet, (I am on my second set of both of those), chocolate, bread, and cold cuts which allow me to feast without every having to leave my dungeon… for a few days. With milk (whole, and I wish unadulterated but sadly settle for homogenized and pasteurized), Coke with Splenda, and reverse osmosis filtered water for drinking, coffee, or tea, I am set to work.

The test score for physics is already posted, though the course letter grade is not out yet. I only got a 17 out of 20. I have 64 out of 75 points for the class, giving me, what would appear to be, a B (85% to 87%, depending on how you do it). However, with the lab averages being 90% and change and the lecture section average being just under 70%, I am not sure how that will work out. I suppose a large part of that depends on what portion of the class took the lab section and what their scores were in the lecture section. Or, something like that. In any case, I did not fail. I did a bit better and far more easily on this test than the previous tests. I will see if these tricks works on my other final. The study is easier, by far, so far, for this last final. I am excited to see if it works. Bummer though, to finally figure out how to study only to be leaving school. Is that not how it often works though? Ha!

I think I will do a few more quizzes then call it a night, a day, three and a half kilotons, or a smorglofish loughish. Whatever. But I think I will hit the hay and see you in my dreams. Best be nice in there, because if you are in them I can turn you into a newt (though, you could get better). Good smorglofish loughish!

Snowing and a final.

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I was able to study well for physics. I was able to wake up this morning and get that last check of the material completed. When it is snowing, perhaps a little icy too, it is nice to have four wheel drive. Of course, I still have to negotiate the road with people driving miniature tin cans which should not be legal anywhere it snows and people who decide rear wheel two wheel drive trucks are nifty. Not only do they drive slowly, they drive poorly. Ah, but they save so much in gas for the 3 months it is warm and (mostly) dry here. Doh! Anyway, I made it to the test with time to spare so I used the time to give everything a once over again. I think I did well. I finished the test in less than 20 minutes, 20 minutes minus the time it took to get through the line to collect the test form, answer sheet, check my seat assignment, and then get going. If nothing else, I am almost certain I held onto my B. If I did as well as I am wondering, I might have pushed on to an A. Then again, the professor is adding in labs (which he indicated he made easier) directly to the scores of those who took them, so their bump is my bane since I did not take the lab section. Who knows. For certain though, this class is finished and I can begin focusing on the last final.

As I may have mentioned, I am very nervous about this next test. We have covered way too much material to meticulously go through it. I decided earlier on that doing all the homework, though nice if there is time, is actually rather pointless. Not enough sticks because of the volume. So I will be paring my studies down to tests and quizzes, only using the notes and homework in areas I am bogging down. I have until Friday morning to get this last act together. I might take a bit of a nap in order to clean my pallet so to speak, and wake focused. I am not tired, I woke well, but I still have a bit of nerve reflex from the test today. I get that whether I feel I did well or not.

It is snowing quite heavily here. When it stops, if I need a break from study I might drag out the snow blower and give it a whirl. Then again, maybe not. I will just have to see how things go during study and what I think I want to handle. I do not want to fail this final exam. It will require a lot of work to make sure that does not happen. I do enjoy the snow, personally, though. It is wonderful today. It is rather light if in a large volume. I hope we get more of it as I would like to try my hand at cross country skiing this year. This is the second snow. The first was heavy enough, but came at such a time that it was bad. It developed ice under everything and then became ice itself until it was gone. This looks to be a simple snow, like winter should be. I would open the window and watch, but the furnace is on the fritz again, and I need the thermal shielding of the curtains. Some other time, perhaps.

Well, off to a nap. I will dream of nothing but good things. A good study. A good final. And a good check for cracks in my eyelids. See ya.

The last few days.

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The meal with the neighbors was very good. The meal was delicious. Cranberries accentuated the pork roast and was included in the gravy. As I told them, I only started liking cranberries as an adult, and really only truly realized this the last decade or so. As such, it has not become a part of my cooking in spite of my curiosity and pleasure in the odd berry. Conversation was also good. We talk about anything and everything under, and beyond, the sun. Whatever pops up gets treatment and we all pitch our thoughts and offer up topics for discussion. It seems what I might have thought was a rift may simply be the busyness of their (our) lives. Getting tucked in and working hard, they miss some of life themselves. The differing of opinions on some matters, of course, is there. But I think this is the same as it would be between any group of adults. I am sure it exists between the husband and wife. As a fact, I am sure of it. I hope to see them a bit more before I head out. The good thing about moving later is that there will be some time where I have no school to worry about. Pheasant season may be one such an excuse to gather and a few more meals and snacks I hope. Next time I will either buy or cook something special. I have been pondering feta (or other goat cheese) stuffed fresh figs (if I can find them), rapped in one of my favorite Italian cured pork meats, then baked (cannot think of the name of it). They really go all out for guests, by the way.

I had hoped to study more, and regarding both classes, this weekend. It ended up that I studied only a bit Saturday, a bit Sunday after the meal, and only regarding physics so far. That final is Tuesday, tomorrow, at noon. I have covered all of the material to the best of my abilities 3 times so far, during these studies alone. I hope to cover it once more in the morning before the test. That should do to wake the mind up and set the trickier notions (regarding mirrors and lenses, for me, this time). Then I will have to dig into probabilities and statistics. That final scares me senseless. I am not even sure where to begin, as there is no way I could completely do all of the homework again with any hopes of actually gaining anything useful. I will have to selective pick and choose and hope. The new material is not terrible, if it is formula intense. Knowing the difference between problems is much easier. But with 40% to half of the test being on old very difficult material, I have worries. Doing my best is all I can do, so, I suppose I will just do that.

Life is going so fast right now. Staying busy, and focused, helps slow time down a bit. At least I am ready for this first test. I still have many things I need to get working on, but finding the time in the middle of this for other projects is proving more difficult than I had anticipated. My mind simply cannot focus on several topics, events, timing, and such. So sticking to successfully finishing school is the priority. Drinking strong coffee has helped. Sometimes it does, some times not so much. I will take what I can get.

A final, some tilapia, some rice, and a start of studies for my next exam await me tomorrow. I might have to buy a bottle of wine for Friday night or go for a steak dinner somewhere nice and just maybe both. Friday is a bittersweet day. It is an end with only a simple beginning to settle with.

A very good evening.

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We started out last evening under suspicious stars, perhaps the beginnings of a disastrous night? First, from our phone call conversation, I had said I would arrive at about 17:30 (5:30 pm to your eyes), but she had suggested I not arrive at her place until 18:00, in order to be to the dinner by 18:30. However, and for once, we both listened to the other so that I then decided to arrive at 18:00 while she expected me there at 17:30! I, of course, receive a call as I am preparing to leave asking where I am. “On my way, I will be there in moments”. Both of us have enough of our clocks running at various times (variously fast, so as to attempt to arrive early… both of us seem to fight and lose this battle, and often anyway) so that actual time may never be known (at least in the heat of battling time). In any case, I was running late even so and as usual. I arrive at her place at more like 18:15. But she is ready! So, we bundle her up as I help her put on her coat. She is wearing a skirt! This is only the second time I have seen her dressed in anything but slacks or jeans in all the time I have known her (the first time was at a viewing of Cats, and that being the first time I met her eight years past). As we are leaving, I following her around to open the vehicle door for her, but she finds ice and wearing her nice shoes no less, she slips and falls! We recover her as gracefully as we may. We first take a few moments to decide if she is still whole, then collect her few things which have slipped her grasp or person, and then I help her up, and assist her to the vehicle much more carefully. I had not seen the ice when entering, as there was no ice from my side of the vehicle to the door and it was dark.

Once we are assured all is good and she is safely in the vehicle, we begin to talk. She has no idea, other than very generally, where we are going. Fine, really, we will go and see. When we get to the place where the dinner is to be held (the press box of Kinnick Stadium) we spot others she knows from work going in. We ask them for directions. Other than the building however, they do not know either. They suggest they will wait for us, so we park and hurry in (no ice so we can move a bit easier). Along with our new temporary associates, we meet another work associate who seems to be leaving (apparently he was merely dropping someone off). He indicates where we need to go. We arrive in plenty of time. I am glad that neither of us fussed about the time and such, and just went with the flow the whole way throughout. It made the rest of the evening much more pleasant, with no bitter recriminations or such hanging in the air to spoil things.

The meal was good. We sat with a few other people from work. She pointed out a few people she has talked about from work, her bosses, a few co-workers, and some of their spouses she knows. We spoke with a few of these and with each other until it was our time to eat. In line for the meal, she asked my opinion about a few people and things, as is always the case. And, I offered what I could, for opinions and thoughts. She, oddly, took the last of the beef, and a good load of it. With my knowledge of her tastes and not wishing to wait new plates of beef, I took a piece of pork and a piece of salmon. When we were seated, I waited just enough for her to become comfortable and offered her a taste of the salmon and pork. She insisted on tasting the beef first. She thought it was decent, but certainly not as good as her mother’s beef but it did not have the fake additives that often ruin beef. Then she tried the salmon. It was heaven to her. And, for salmon, which I do not like, it was good enough for me to have eaten in a pinch. In any case, she offered all the beef she had for the salmon. (A little knowledge and forethought often pays for itself, handsomely.) The deal was made. I even gave some of the pork (which was also quite good, very good actually). It ended up being a very nice meal and in good company.

As the time was approaching, we decided to excuse ourselves a bit early to be sure to make it to the Englert in time for the show. And though we had both fortune and misfortune this evening, it was difficult to know how well parking, timing, traffic, and such would work. So, I suggested once we got to the theater, I would stop in front, help her out, then park and return to join her. A plan is always good when many unknowns are sure to be in company with an event. We arrived near the building at least 15 minutes before the show was to start. Traffic was crawling by, and luckily. A car parked nearly in front of the theater was trying to pull out. Traffic had stopped us and my vehicle with just enough room for that car to back out. Traffic was trying to push me forward, I presume the guy behind me wanted that spot too as he refused to back up an inch or go around when that was available. I think he thought there would not be room for the car to back out. In any case, we got the spot. Once parked, I admonished my date not to exit until I had come around to help her out. And with good reason, there was a small pile of irregular and sloping ice where she would have stepped as it turns out.

On to the show. She picked up her tickets and in we went. This evening, by the way, is my Christmas present I am informed. So, I need not pay as we had discussed. Fine by me, as it is a very good present. Even with it’s quirks, it has been a good day so far. Into the theater proper and to our seats we go. The stage, of course, is set. I had not been in this theater since they rebuilt and rededicated it. Actually, I had never been in the place. They have done a fine job and as it turns out, I am pleased that they made the effort (if I am a bit of a doubter so I had not participated… shame on me… but then this is not my home… anyway, grist for the mill when I do find a home). We looked over the playbill and both of us were a bit surprised. The singing, or a significant part of it, was to be operatic, or performed by opera singers, or both. We could not quite tell, but the indications were in that vein. In spite of her not preferring opera (while I enjoy it to some degree), we were curious. When the time neared, the actors and singers for the first scene set, we were both ready, excited really, for the start.

As the thing unfolded, as it was laid out at the beginning, something got in my eyes and a tear or three were produced. Odd how dust can do that. It WAS dust, until I could blink the thoughts away anyway. It was a very good show. It was a mix of opera (Hayden) and traditional Christmas songs, with a non-speaking play going on in, through out, and around the vocals. It was of a family, with a member off to war, possibly to return for Christmas or not, listening to a radio, singing themselves, or with visiting carolers, having a family situation during a Christmas Eve past. It was, beautiful! It was well done, enticing, enthralling, and warm, earthy, human, and loving. I understood the songs and so had thought it was all in English. My date, however, suggested that some of the songs were in German. Weird, but I understood, though I am quite sure I no longer really speak or understand German. Anyway, the show continued to recession. She was thirsty and needed to use the facilities, so we relinquished our seats temporarily and acquitted ourselves to the commons area. I suggested a 7-Up to cut the thirst, and she agreed before attending her affairs. All they had was Sprite, but it was enough if not 7-Up. When she finished tending her needs, and after a sip of the offering, she asked I could locate Ibuprofen, Tylenol, or some such. It seems her wrist, which she had used to arrest her fall, was paining her and increasingly. I went forth and procured, through a bit of detective work, begging, and offers of cash (which were refused), a few of these pills for her. She took those and we returned to claim our seats. Right as time had drawn to a close for continuation, she asked about ice, indirectly as is her way. I would have done so, but I believe they lock the theater at stage time and I did not have time to do so. I should have thought of this myself and earlier, but then I never use ice or heat packs myself if I know they can be helpful (then again, I did use them when my ribs were bruised or broken, but that was unusual). The last half of the show was just as splendid as the first. The singing was first rate, the setting was all it needed to be, and what was conveyed was a Christmas present all by itself. In the last scene, I thought I saw my date cry.

When the show was finished, we casually exited and returned to the vehicle. Once safely inside and on our way, I had to ask if she had indeed cried during the final scene. She had, she said. I mentioned that, in case she had seen, there was dust in the place at the beginning for me. We discussed the show and the evening. I think we had both had a wonderful time. Then I asked if she had ice at home. She did not, so I set forth to procure such. I was sure she would need it, want it. This time I would not leave a detail untended. On the way, however, she realized she did not have her house key. She had not brought her purse or her vehicle (so her keys), and had not thought of it. Though we have not lived together for 4 years now, I wondered if I had those keys yet. I had found some keys in my meanderings through my goods but could not find what they belonged to. It turns out I did have such, so there was no loss there. We got her to her place, with ice, and keys. I crushed several smaller bags of ice for her, checked to see if there was anything else she needed, and with nothing else needed, I returned home for a pleasant cool down and then rest.

I needed last night. It will be the only time I will be in the Englert. It has been a difficult semester and relaxation has been rare. And it was good to have an enjoyable evening with a dear friend, one I may never see after I leave. My life is more full of goodbyes than I can count or even remember the events in which they are involved. This one I would like to remember. Though this one might be a little different. I had already decided, before I knew I would be leaving, to buy her a computer for Christmas. She prefers a laptop, so that is what it will be. We will look at Best Buy for the right size, something she can handle carrying and with the right size monitor for her, then I will pick a few things to try to make sure the device will be enough that she does not end up with paperweight in two years. So, we will be able to stay in touch a bit easier.

Well, back to it. I need to study.