Up too late.

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While I am awake, I decided to read about a saint who has also been on my mind. St. Henry Newman has been someone I appreciated through time. If you know anything about him, you might understand why I have always had a contentious relationship with him. Among the problems is the notion that he is the father of Vatican II. Now, I do think Vatican II was a good thing, I also believe it was taken nearly completely out of context for many years, decades really. An inch was given and miles were taken. Like so much of what St. Newman was about, much was misinterpreted, both purposefully and meanly and quite by an honest lack of understanding. Something, I think, we share.

We share... a number of other things as well. We both, later in life, converted from similar churches. He came from the Church of England, myself from the Episcopalian church. Our interests, that of reading, peaceable living, being home bodies, and a few other things, have not been gifts we seem to have been allotted. Perhaps, as I have purchased a home and begun a sedentary life, we will depart in similarity along this line at this time. But truth to tell, only God knows what we receive.

I have always liked St. Newman. And yet we part ways, too, often. Or, at least if I understand him correctly (which I can't say I do, few can). In any case, today is his day, as it turns out. For Catholics, in the US anyway, he is remembered on this day. How odd how things turn out. Here is a prayer of his, as I finish cooking my beans, putting those up, then cleaning up afterwards. No, really. That my days stretch beyond the evening is just another of those... divergences. Though with what he had on his plate, I would suggest he often went long into the nights.

O Lord support us all the day long
Until the evening comes,
The shadows lengthen and the busy world is hushed,
The fever of life is over and our work is done.

Then Lord in your Mercy,
Give us a safe lodging,
A Holy rest and peace at the last. Amen

Bleep!

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The *bleep*s, I should write. After a bit of looking, I would have to guess that the loaner computer I am using is having some sort of error. I did find the bios and try to look it up specifically. Technology is not kind to old hardware data. I am sure, if I chose to spend days looking, I could find exactly what I am looking for... perhaps. Not going to happen. I did find a general error code for older bioses. All I have to do, to fix the beeping, is major computer brain surgery using parts that probably aren't made any more, and the problem will be solved. See, easy.

In other words, I must ride this lemon until the first of the month, find out what is happening with my computer (I think he broke my computer fixing a cosmetic flaw that was not the problem at all). So, I will simply have to figure out how to replace my computer and dump this lemon back to it's real owner. However, I do know who NOT to take a computer to for repairs. It was on it's last legs as far as technical use but should have lasted another year or so. Now it is simply a paperweight. And the loaner is now becoming a paperweight. Argh!

I may call and see if Verizon is open on Sunday. If so, I will take my phone in. I have a few questions. The first one regards data. When I first signed up for the data plan, required for smartphones, there wasn't a up/down-load limit. It seems if you are grandfathered in, you retain unlimited data. I want to make sure that is true. If not true, the phone goes back right then and there. I simply won't fight data usage AND a weak battery compared to power usage. After that, I want them to show me how to use Google's systems as a gps driving directions device, I want to know why Verizon's pay-to-play system kicks in when I am only using Google and make sure they aren't charging me the $10/month fee for that. I want that sorted out. There are a few other questions as well. The thing is a mess, in some ways. They honestly may not know the answers, which will also require a return. I need help setting up security, or more, resources to figure that out and recommendations in doing so in order to do that myself. The instruction packet that came with the phone was lame at best, and since it just came out, users haven't created great instruction sets yet. I don't need another easily hacked device, waiting around from someone to steal something else I literately can't afford. I don't want the local college kids getting "free" apps or ringtones (don't they get enough free shit from taxpayers, fuckers!). I don't need them "borrowing" my minutes. I want the thing secure.

Grumpy, today, and possibly rightly. Life is hard enough without a bad heart and a corrupt world on my back with slick salesmen selling me more debt, some of it not even rightly mine. My machines are falling down around me, the systems that work them are hacked and riddled with problems besides, professional techs often aren't very professional or techy, and yes, I have gotten used to some of the conveniences. And I am tired to boot. Bleh. I'm going to soak those beans and some rice. I never did get to it last night. Oh, and the other problem? My days are about to tumble. I seem to need ten to twelve hours of sleep but am easily able to stay up fourteen to sixteen hour days. Doing the math, it means I am about to take a high-speed spin cycle. My days and nights are about to begin shifting at a terrible pace. I'm almost getting nauseous thinking about it already. Butterflies, to be certain, are dancing in my belly.

Some days it all seems too much. Ah, this explains it.

Hmm, a snort of scotch might just do the trick, come to think of it.

Fantasy, fiction, call it what you will.

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Oh, don't worry. I am not plainly insane. Being crippled, and having been so for some time, the mind finds ways of dreaming about being more. Being average doesn't cut it, only being a super type man will do to balance decades of failure. Having a vast imagination makes the endeavor easy. If nothing else, that I have found all men to be too frail to be heroes should be a good sign. Heroes, from my youth, included Mark Twain (Clemens), Albert Einstein, Poe, and Schwarzenegger. As I learned more, I set them aside as just fools who peaked in some specific field but were absolute failures in most other ways. They or their handlers sold them for something they weren't. False advertising became an understood thing. Caveat emptor, indeed.

My friend called today. He wanted me to come in. As I said though, I need some time to figure things out and rest. So I told him I would not be in today, nor tomorrow. Monday will be the day. Further, now that he can come and go as he chooses I will no longer go shooting on the weekend. I absolutely despise competing with every working guy who only gets weekends off and so floods the hills, mountains, shooting spots, and every nook and cranny out there. No, weekdays only. I will, however, finish taking in the last bits of his gun stuff I still hold. He has two rifles, ammunition, and perhaps a few other odds and ends here.

I am going to truly hate this month. Money is so low that I am going to have to squeeze by. I have a few trips to SLC for medical appointments, so I am going to have to be careful to make sure I have the seed gas money to get there. Food, as I said, will have to be 'slim pickin's' special. Beans and rice and bits of meat and veggie for variety. A half a dozen cans of tuna will help a great deal in that. A package of beef and a grouping of chicken thighs and legs too, though not as meals unto themselves. Now, I have money in savings I could pull off. But I am keeping that where it is in case I have some unforeseen expense. If I make it through the month I will be in normal shape next month and will then use the savings as I had intended... to begin putting up food. Oh, yes, it must seem like just a crazy game, but it isn't.

My computer, or modem, keeps putting out a series of beeps. *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*' *beep* *beep* *beep*'... etc. With a little breaks every three beeps, in fast succession. I think three sets of three. I will see if it is the computer, modem, or something else shortly. I also have some sort of constant electrical sounding *buzz*, even when the computer, monitor, television, and all are shut down and even when I turn off the power to those systems. It's coming from under the floor, ugh. The beeping just started today, but I only really heard it after the machines were all on. I have no idea what all this is. The *buzz* may require crawling into the crawl space, the *beep*'s, I don't know since I am not yet sure of the source. Ugh. No, no... Double UGH!

Well, on to other things. Mostly just resting today. The Devil's Advocate is on tv. While a bit fantastical, I do think it... exemplifies some truths, too. Shakespeare to Dante to me, a bit of fantasy, artistic license, and a bit of our understanding all mix into a bit of storytelling that is meant to entertain while... doing just a touch more, perhaps. While we live in a spiritual existence, that is wrapped in quite flawed flesh. Most only every see things of flesh, and for the most part, only partially believe in the real truth. As imaginative fallen men, we come up with things both to help with our own understanding, share some aspect of that understanding, and just... play with ideas. No, I am not saying I am great at it, just that I do it.

Anyway. Have a great day. I will rest and recoup, plan my next week, look for my shoe polish kit, and prepare clothes for my next visit to Church. It is coming. And, in some ways, I do fear it. I always have feared the Church. And I fear the people who go there, for different reasons. What is bravery but going where even angels fear to tread, or visiting their home?

Once again, good day.

Two different times.

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This video is how, perhaps, a youngling of the next might turn out. Dig through the ditches and burn through the witches, indeed. An ugly job, adding corruption of free will and the fall of men, makes for a terrible thing. But so be it. So long as faith holds true.


And how it used to be said, how it was understood. No less dark and light, just much more clearly spoken. My angelic brother, fleshly father?

No one is home!

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I tried to call a pseudo family member tonight, but her phone number no longer works. I am quite sure it should, so I looked it up. I seem to have it right. So I looked up the phone number of an acquaintance in the area. I was sent to voice messaging though the recording offered a cellphone number, so I called that. Messaging again, but this time I did leave a message. I then tried to call my lady friend. No good, her phone went right to messaging as well. Some nights you simply can't win.

Tired. Very tired. I did check my blood pressure again, 163/103 or something. If a little high at least a lot more normal. My pulse was down into the 70's but still a bit high. I don't even think the blood pressure is related to the exhaustion. This is what I have come to expect on these medicines. I am keeping up on things. Sam's food bowl needed cleaned, I cleaned Sassy's bowl yesterday. I even made a meal or two today. Just small meals, if still a little larger than before my mother's visit. Something about not quitting good large meals cold turkey I suppose.

I am thinking about putting a pot of beans to soak before I go to bed. I don't want them to soak even twelve hours, more like six to eight hours, so either I soak them in the morning and cook before sleep or soak before I go to bed and cook immediately upon waking. Hmm, I might as well soak some rice too. Usually I buy short brown rice, this time I went with long grain and it take a very long time to cook. Actually, long grain never really does get very soft, not like short brown, if memory serves. It's only a few months old, so it shouldn't have withered in that time. Being short on money this month, rice and beans will act as a great filler for bits of meat and a few veggies thrown in for sporting purposes.

Ugh! *yawn* No, double ugh. Too tired to get on anything, to broke to feel secure pushing through anyway, this month is going to be a total wash I think. Ah well.

Good night, Sue Ellen.

Now that is weird.

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Blood pressure this morning was 193/173, and my pulse was at 83. Not good. Why I can't be sure. I haven't missed more than a dose in a bit now.

Raining, again, today. I have been told the mountains have been frosted. I would like to see them but the clouds are simply too thick and low at the moment. I enjoy the first frosting. I am pretty sure this lower level rain is snow up there, so I will get to see it sooner or later.

I have been sleeping a bit more, catching up on sleep a bit. I have been keeping up on dishes too, so far. I need to begin finding a lawyer and putting in the paperwork for the home purchase refund. Those are the only two things I will dedicate planning toward until they are finished. I can only focus on a few things if, for whatever reason, they are heavy for me. These are very good things to focus on.

It's a 'blah' day and I am feeling it. Though I won't say I am tired, I have to say that I am sluggish. More sleep will not help but I can't quite push through to anything either. Maybe a phone call or three.

Later.

Call me suspicious.

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I am pretty sure my mother fed 'the girls' any time they meowed just a bit. I know I stopped feeding them because I suspected such would occur. Now even Sam is looking for food every time I pet her. Though Sam almost never used to beg, my mother's skirt socialism kicked in and she just wouldn't feed Sassy without feeding Sam too, regardless if Sam asked or not. Oh, I'll get the girls back into line shortly. But for now I hear "Meow" so often I will dream about it. It's okay. Everyone needs just such a grandmother. Christmas came early for the rugrats.

There is a definite chill tonight. I was starting to wonder why it was so cold inside though. Usually my home, with me and a couple of light bulbs, is sufficiently warm when the weather turns this slight fall chill as the day and night are. Ah, but I left the window through which I had hailed the missionaries open. Though it was only open a few inches, that window faced the chill breeze coming through. I closed the window and turned the furnace on for the first time, just to 68 F, though it will automatically go down to 64 or so for sleeping. I do enjoy automated... everything!

I am having to try and figure my life out anew. My mother called this evening. I think I am not alone in my sense of aloneness. She has it worse, Cheyenne, her dog, is still with the people she left her with. For me, I have no one to... remind me... of things to do. And while that can be a bit daunting at times, there are certain elements of it that are good. I'll figure it out.

The insurance company settling for their client called yesterday and suggested that with about $4.4k in medical, they would like to settle for $5.1k, out of which the medical must be paid. I am not sure if they are joking or if medical payouts have changed. I will be discussing this with a lawyer. While I hate the notion of ambulance chasers, I hate the greed of corporate insurers. I have it on reasonable authority (a lawyer and medical provider from early on) that the payment should be (normally) double and a half the medical. My situation might even allow for more, since it greatly complicated my move and required a great deal of travel expenses (which were not reimbursed). If they had paid me normal, they would have saved themselves a lot of trouble and expense. Now they get to pay for a lawyer, court costs, much more than an average claim, and the rest. I sometimes wonder if they do what they do merely to keep lawyers employed? Insane, but none of my affair as to why.

I really do need to get back to Church and start looking for a right wife. I like the company, mostly. And I can plainly see what a woman's touch does for the place. It's a rough row to hoe but a good woman is very much worth the effort. Like I said though, a right woman. A woman who can, will, and does tend the home. I am not sure women are capable of being right to a man's way of thinking, but that isn't all bad at all. I'd say, in the right way, it's about fifty fifty, if you don't mind me liking my own side more in any case. You like yours, I'll like mine. Oh, she is out there. Just waiting to mess up my life. :p

Good night.

I think I shook them up.

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The missionaries came by today. I had forgotten and my phone calender is not set up on my new phone, so of course the alarm didn't go off. I heard some knocking, while napping, that at first I thought was Sassy wanting into my bedroom. Hmm, no, I thought, she might tap, scratch, or thump, but she never knocks in a pattern, let alone in a serious of logical patterns. Up and at it, I made it in time to let them know I would be out.

We discussed several things. One of the things they noted was that I am resistant. I explained that I am resistant to all. I suggested that most people haven't been to hell, let alone lived in it, survived it, and even thrived there while doing their work. Most people would panic in a mere car accident or near incident. Most people haven't lived in a town where many were against them, where being in the wrong place at the wrong place, at least if unprepared, could end up in a trip to the morgue. No, I trust few because few have been tested. And from my experience, few are ready to even face an enemy, let alone gut one. I told them more, I sort of went on a rant. They have to learn, their understandings, as mine, as all save One who has walked here, are foul. I have found a resource for wisdom, but that resource is not generally found in people. None may pass. All fail. I think I shook them up. I didn't mean to, but... as noted, most people are of a delicate nature. I am not, if I have my soft spots. Sometimes I don't even realize how heavy my words are on the sheep. I am simply glad I chose not to lead the life of a wolf. I realize how easy prey even the stronger among my fellow citizens are, more every day.

I explained to them that my nature was to be a kindly academic or cleric, perhaps a monk or a priest or a professor. But the world simply did not abide that and God gave me what it took to withstand the assault from being my own man, now His man. He must have given me a bit of wisdom, to resist feasting on my brethren as well. Then the health issue came into play and that sealed me off from what I could of been, trapping me in what I had already become. Yes, indeed. It's been a decade and some since my last fight, where I was hit in the back of the head two or three times, and even when trying to be gentle in my response, hospitalized a guy for a week and a half. Even now I am weaponized. Even on death's door, one should tread lightly. I will not trust many, and none for all things.

Just... getting it off my mind. Like a dark cloud in the sky, once noticed, and once it gives a chill or ill omen, somehow speaking about it allows it to be without intruding until the blackness can pass. So... I write.

Meh. Have a great day.

Like a baby.

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The trip to SLC was pretty easy. There was tension, always is as the time to say goodbye approaches. But I was like a rock. My mom did everything she could not to pick a fight, and I did though that isn't usually my m.o., I think. In any case, I got her to the airport this morning, took a risk and left my vehicle alone to get her into the terminal. Then said goodbye and gave her a hug. I could see she was about to lose it and I know she doesn't like to do that, so I scampered out so she could cry and be done with it enough to recover and find her plane. I drove home, comfortable and secure. Not the easiest driving, the sun wasn't up and it was raining. SLC drivers are not good in good conditions, in these conditions and at that hour, many were all over the road. But I made it easily. I had planned to pick up some milk on my way through Logan, but just wasn't up to it so I just kept on going. Home.

I made it home, unpacked, put the X in the garage. The cats haven't had can food for a bit, I've been out for two days but we were busy and I was pretty tired too so I didn't get into town. I picked some up on my way through town yesterday. And I set forth to feed them right away. But they looked around me. They wanted to know where she was. Where is the nicer one? Then it hit. And, yeah, I became like a baby. It sure hits hard if I never quite know when it will hit. Ah well, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Now to try and keep up what she has set up. It won't be easy but my home is so nicely arranged and freshly cleaned that I can coast more than I used to be able to coast. And when I need to clean, the arrangement makes that rather simpler. I am grateful, both for the help and for having her here when I went through the angiography. It's a scary thing, being my first surgery like thing. Oh, sure, I've had stitches, and even looked death right in the face and danced a jig with him a time or three or ten. But all that I knew going in, sort of. This, no, this was a potential manmade accident waiting to happen. One in which I had little choice other than to accept or decline. And there was no way out once I was there.

It's going to be a bit brutal trying to get back to my normal life. While I am no monk and would not wish to be, I have come to terms with being alone. Visits throw that completely out of whack. Perhaps, until I know better, I am distancing myself from the world as I die. Having someone around makes me forget. And when I am alone again I have to face that again, and try and... make it all fit into my human leather skin. It's a tough trick. No, no, and again, I wouldn't change a thing.

Have a great day.

Jean wrote...

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I found your comment in spam, again. Or something to that effect. So, if you think I should be commenting on your blog, check spam. I think either Google through policy, employee jerks, or security weakness has been making commenting a problem. When I comment, I see it online, seemingly posted, but it never gets posted. People, generally, are too busy to check their spam. There are a few places I am not sure. Perhaps my comments are unwelcome. It would be nice if they would say something though. If you don't want me to comment, and happen to read this, pleas let me know.

These are the blogs my comments are disappearing on:
The Conservative Lady, Libertarian Republican, teresamerica, Pondering, _It Don't Make Sense_, among others. But those for absolute sure. When I post at your sites, I see it post into comments, but when I go back, my comments are gone. As I said, Jean, from Pondering says my comments are ending up in her spam section. I am suspecting a number of things but cannot be certain what specifically the problem actually is.

Rain.

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It rained last night and this morning, so painting and some other chores didn't go forward. Which is good, I needed sleep. I did figure out why I was feeling better yesterday though. I had forgotten to take meds for two days. We have had a major argument this morning though. I think mom is looking for one.

She was telling me that her poor innocent granddaughter had to do laps and pushups after her team lost a game. And she wanted me to feel bad for her too, and agree with my brother and sister-in-law pulling her from the team because of this abuse. I simply said if she can't handle what all boys have to go through in every sport we take from the first teams we are on, starting at a very young age, she really shouldn't be in sports. Her being eleven years old means nothing, I had to do that at six or seven in baseball. Coaches don't need parents jumping them for the 'stick' part of 'carrot and stick' coaching tools. I also told her that what my brother and his wife did is exactly why kids are spoiled and rotten these days. When they have to deal with her all grown up and thinking she can do whatever she wants, regardless of rules, history, and such, and/or still thinking she is equal to men, they will regret this.

And I WON'T recant.

I am not sure if we will be going for a drive or just enjoying the day at home. She might get all mad-cow pissy about this, or have been looking for a fight to make leaving easier, or needing sleep herself. I would rather we take a drive today, and maybe even tomorrow. I am getting short on money, hard. This will be a tough month. But never mind, I do hope to show my mom some of the state and have a nice few days with her before she goes. Although, I should advise she not speak to me about much when I first wake up. I might be more diplomatic (though not to agreeing to foolishness) later in the day. I'll survive somehow being broke a bit just fine, mostly. I always have.

No, I haven't been living large. A bill that was being paid based on a debit card that was canceled coming due hugely, a few expenses that snuck in, tax costs coming due, on top of having a visitor and a few other things happening all at once just clobbered me. It happens. But I have enough to entertain, if I might need to hold my breath for the rest of the month. There is nothing like feeling like a financial punching bag though. Ah, but this is a one month thing, it too shall pass. Later.

A few notes.

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You probably knew I would. And... I did. I got that new phone. It is pricey, but it isn't a toy, either. With my computer liable to go down at any... actually it is down while I use a rather lame loaner, which itself might stop working at any moment, I need an alternative device. Along with the ereader, gps, and such bundled with it. I was heading toward a gps, an ereader, and some other things. This takes care of that and the notion of another notebook, and a good notebook or pad costs more than the phone alone. No, this took care of several tech itches. And it adds in an 8 Mb camera and a hd-video capture. Yes indeed. I am about to surf the web, seeing how the device can be used to it's greatest measure, along with tips, tricks, tweaks, and possibly hacks.

Oh, as a spoof(ish) comment at Jean's, in doing a little research to find the right link for the comment, I stumbled upon a blazing idiot. No, no, alcohol is not a great investment, not something into which to pour your money, nor should you crawl into the bottle. However, a little toot from time to time does no great harm, mostly. And, in my time, I have fallen into the best of bad company and learned to drink better swill, which ends up causing me to drink less of the stuff. Anyway, while doing the research and regardless of what one thinks about my vices, I came across a writer who doesn't do good research. If you like scotch, and have ever tasted a large variety, you will quickly understand why some scotch costs more and some simply doesn't. With Johnny walker, red is swill, black is black, green is gay, gold is dry, but blue is absolutely divine. I am assuming the writer of the article has never bothered to taste the difference. Beyond using a number of very fine aged scotches, the blending is done magnificently so that Blue tastes quite similar over the years. Sorry to make a short story long, but... I just don't want you to talk out of your ass, or if you do, expect me to call you out on it.

Tomorrow I will do a bit of painting, finally, and another task or two. Then, perhaps, we will be heading for the hills to the west. While technically still mountains, I suppose, and definitely by Iowa standards, they are comparative hills and are usually designated as such on the maps. A picnic, perhaps some video and picture to email to my mother, and perhaps show here. Yes, a nice day.

Now I can definitely get some pictures of my bike, perhaps a video of the cats, and just maybe a pictures or video of my home and to a degree the surrounds. No, no, not the fastest boat on the pond. But, eventually, I get there. Or, as engineers might be want to suggest, I get close enough for all practical applications.

Have a good night.

Well, I have to.

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I'm not the greatest Christian in the world. I'm a damned poor one, to be truthful. My heart is in it, but between being a cripple and a fool, stubborn and egotistical, you get what you get. Beyond that, my sins are heavy and real. Forgiven, and I did try to change my life, but still. Anyway, I saw a video today. Now, it was just preaching to me as the choir. But I would like to try and get others to see it.



Actually, I liked mohawk-boy better than the rest. He wears his life and was much more honest through it. Oh, and I doubt if most of those will keep to their word. As soon as something becomes hard, they will drop it. Then again, been there myself. Sometimes it takes time, and even seasons of growth, for that mustard seed to develop. I'll hush and pray for them. No, really. While I am in the Church, I am often not in the pew. I guess everything takes time, if I do have religious concerns making getting in that pew hard, sitting beside pro-abortionists is no easier than sitting beside SS officers from the camps. And I have physical issues too. Never mind. Just... thought I would try and pass this around. Genocide indeed, as I've said for decades now.

Up early and hit the floor running.

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Breakfast has been had, a cup of coffee too. I finally put the shower handle up, and mostly got it right. Never mind the details, let's just say I am happy I bought that bolt cutter. She is out and about, driving my vehicle solo. Unwise, she should have had me show her how to adjust things. She can drive a tank, if you adjust the seat for her. But she can't adjust seats (or do most things mechanical). Gakh! I did have the trash out, kitty litter cleaned out, dishes done, and coffee made for when she woke this morning. I think she was pleased. Well, that and I woke just a little after 7:00. Whatever, I suppose the last few days of rest has allowed me to be more active.

Good thing, too. I hope to give her a vacation these last few days. I'd like to drive her around to a few places, cook and clean, and just let her recharge for her trip home. My guess is she has a ton of work to do pretty much as soon as she steps off the plane. And having been taken for granted, being away has reasserted her place in the pecking order anew. Everyone ignores those who serve until they are gone.

Well, best be going. Have a great day.

I've been trying.

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Making heads or tails of the nomination process isn't doing well. Health is not super, medicines are heavy and about to get heavier, and with a guest, even one of family, routine is disrupted. Actually, most of the world seems to be a blur. Trying to dig in, getting upset, finding hope, and all that, but it is mostly an act. Dissociation is a weird thing.

Cain has no more chance than Sam does, for the presidency. Romney is who the political world of the so-called "right" want. They are pouring on the pressure, opening the treasury, and colluding behind closed doors. Whispers speculate that the Florida straw poll was a Romney bought strategy. Perry is a lousy debater, but that is not what is needed. His real problem is a couple of key issues. He has to at least pretend, and either he is catering to the GOP "leadership", or has sold himself in areas he can't afford to renege even if it means losing the nomination. Most of the others are, by now, done. It should be interesting to see how many sell their support to Romney. Bachmann will (or has). What does become clear is politicians are not catering to the public voter, mostly at all. Is it mostly big business, bureaucrats, foreign interests? It certainly isn't the majority of voters.

Lots of interesting proposals by the House can be seen. Most of it, at this time, is theater. They have no chance of passing anything. I doubt if they will be able to stop the ban on light bulbs. They can scream, holler, shake, and shout, but it means little. There are some new faces, who went there with new ideas. I wonder though how many have sold out heavy and deep, and did so immediately. Then again, those who didn't sell out... how many of them were bought from day one, but by some other group? You do realize a judge has recently ruled that it is legal for politicians to use information regarding legislation before them to profit, right?

Still, barring a nuclear blast in Nice, Berlin, Madrid, or NYC, it is difficult to get too interested. Even then the event would simply be noted, fallout plots observed, and dealing with the notion when things become more functional would be the trick. There are grave doubts that America is salvageable. The dumbing down, queerification, gender neutralization, destruction of the family, ongoing genocide through bureaucracy and regulation on local, state, federal, and international levels doesn't seem a thing that can be ended without an end to that which has created such things, global civilization. Not a problem of which any one of familiarity has any real means of doing even a single thing about, mind you, aside from prayer. Just, like with some theoretical blast, a note for later.

Hmm, trash needs to go out, and cat litter needs to be changed first. Dishes are soaking and those will be done. Then off to sleep in hopes of rising easily and well for a bit of business, a hair cut or two, and then perhaps a trip with a dear lady into the wild unknown. Perhaps a picnic as well. Time is growing short, it best be used wisely. Just a little more life, a little push, to see her off well, if I can.

Good night.

I don't believe that ignorance is bliss.

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Perhaps remaining ignorant that a plane you are going down, or the vehicle you are in just went over a cliff, for as long as possible, is how some people would prefer to live their lives. To be honest, there is little or nothing I can do to alter any dark reality, that is true, at least in the bigger sense of things. What I can do, or have the potential to do, is to alter the outcome for me to some degree. If the stores have no food, shipping stops, my ability to go for food dissipates, but I have a year of food stored because I saw it coming, then I have changed my lot. Even if I realized there is nothing I could do, say an iron type meteorite the size of Texas wide and thick, heading right toward... well, anywhere on earth... I would still want to know.

Today was rough. I couldn't get to sleep until very late. I woke, considering, quite early. I have been very tired all day. My mother has been as well. I made us a late lunch, slowed by that dratted brown rice taking a good bit over an hour to cook. I can't be sure it was quite done even then. Perhaps I have forgotten what rice tastes like. I have pretty much only eaten short or long whole grain rice for many years now, but haven't had a bite of it for six months or more due to illness. The rest of the meal was just leftovers (at her insistence). Oh, I know. I will make supper too, later, when my mom is hungry. And I told her I will do the dishes as well. My mother doubts, but if she is a bit patient, I do many things. Her deal is she wants it now and her way. I have learned not to try that with myself. It doesn't work. Windows, remember? That's as good as it gets.

No trip today. As I said, my mother is quite tired. I have a hair cut tomorrow, and she will be going in as well. She wants to get one as well, for her trip home, if she can. Before the appointment, I want to get in and look over a new phone. I am looking at the Android Bionic. I am so torn on it. I do notice that many cases for it offer a screen protector, built right in. Now, my X has hands free wifi built into the stereo system, and yet I would still like this to go with it. These smartphones are now so delicate and always were sort of slick, difficult to hold. I am hoping to keep the thing, for the most part, in it's case on my belt. Then again, my first smart phone cost a lot more. Actually, my first cellphone cost a small fortune (the very first flip-phone, a brick of a Motorola nearly 20 years ago).

Now, my problem is texts, which I don't want but have no choice if someone sends one (and have to pay), keeping track of how much 4G access I have left/have used (and difficulty using wifi, even when it is available it seems), and the whole lot of complications, bugs, and such. I will either go with this phone or simply dump smartphones altogether and just get a do-nothing camera-less phone, like what my mother got (and wanted). Yeah, I am not quite sure. I like many of the features of a smartphone, I just don't like having little control of potentially crazy costs, hacking, and the rest. Oh, don't think your Iphone/pad, Android, or BlackBerry is safe. Heck, the people who sold it too you are just as likely to be creeping around in your private life as some hacker unhappy ex-employee or Chinamanchurian.

Just thinking out loud. Later or good night.

Hmm?

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I finally ordered the ticket for my mother. Neither of us are really happy with it, but the price for ordering tickets on short order skyrocket and flight times are less than the best. Still, we compromised and the thing is done. She is ready to be home and I am ready for a bit of rest. But it has been a really good visit.

It also seems as if my friend's family moved him to his new apartment yesterday. They didn't ask for my help. Perhaps, since they know I have heart issues, they didn't want to ask. Perhaps they are just family oriented. It is difficult to know. Now, I would try to help, but I don't mind having been excluded, to be honest. At least right at this time. I'm not doing well, I am tired all day and every day, I need rest which I can't find with company. My mom wants and deserves company. And I like enjoying the time together. Soon enough. But now, to cook her a few meals. Chicken on the grill, a rice based casserole, and maybe even a breakfast. Now that we are through with the rest of the house, and if she lets me sleep like I need, perhaps I can make a huge effort to give her vacation time until she goes.

I am going in to visit my friend, shortly, though. I doubt if he needs to go out. Speaking of the devil? He just called and said he doesn't want any food. Which is fine. Mom is cooking something, or might have me bring something home, so this trip in will be easy. I best get going. I sure am curious about his new place. I hope it is much better than his last apartment. Oh, his sister is setting him up with meal on wheels, too. Yeah, he should do much better there.

Have a great day.

Why extra-terrestrials?

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It bugs me as to why men of science would so fervently, if quietly, believe in UFO type aliens. It sort of all hit, if I have hit on parts of it before today. The first theory was that life came about of it's own accord, at random, on far away planet. God was, thus, deniable, since life is said to have originated here. Now, that worked for most of the low-grade scientists, and still does. But the sharper sticks in the bunch realized that the random generation of life on a planet, any planet, was beyond astronomically small to the point of impossible, so as to be an act of God. Which planet it originated on was irrelevant. Since we are dealing with the sharper sticks in the bundle, only 'virtual impossibility' is allowed these days, after the Titanic, man running a four minute mile, and the bumble bee now being allowed to fly by science, impossibility is not quite what it used to be.

In any case, with great doubts being cast on the possibility of life coming from non-life, oddly, it started seeming like, well, if the notion was passed on to some alien landscape where more was somehow possible, then it would all make sense. This takes care of some of the lesser sharp sticks in the science community. But the upper tier realized that no matter how close or far, the probability of life from non-life was just as remote. Further, no matter where you go, and how many alien civilizations or lifeforms, there would eventually be an 'origin' of life. The sharper of the 'sharper sticks' realized the notion of alien life was merely an intellectual stall in dealing with origin. So, what do they do? Of course, they develop the theory of unproven, unprovable alternate dimensions and the possibilities of breaches from whence life might be said to originate. Which, of course, and again, is a stall.

The brightest sticks in the group have to know that atheism is a fools choice. Especially the atheists among them. Either God not only exists but has created all, but most importantly life. Or something that is the equivalent of God has done so, a force, power, infinite unproven unprovable reality of infinite alternative dimensions. But what is worse, even then, it is being found that what was thought to be infinite, should it exist, is proving to be finite. Like a fish in a pond that keeps drying up without anything to fill the pond, save the last few sprinkles of hope before the drought, great thrashing occurs in that pool. The more the 'sharp stick' tools thrash, the more uncomfortable the 'duller sticks' are, as even they begin to realize the places to run are disappearing the more they work on things.

Vox is debating one of the 'duller sticks'. He seems still happily stuck on aliens. Many professors I have had also were satisfied with the 'alien theory' to, too busy or lazy to go further. Ah well. No, it just came to me and I had to chuckle as I see modern "science", once again, is driven more by an attempt to disprove God than anything else. And the farther it goes the more empty it seems and the more it undoes itself.

Odd.

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My comments don't seem to log, or stick, on your blogs, for whatever reason. I have commented at four places, refreshed the screen and they looked to be logged in. But viewing the blogs the next day, they aren't there. Nor is there an indication that it has been deleted by author. I have changed my password but it is still occurring. At first, with the first one or two, I almost suspected I never hit send or something. So I was much more careful in posting. Yep, not showing up. Oh well. I've had this happen before, usually after punking some liberal who couldn't argue their way out of a paper bag. When you can't debate, tell the truth, or believe in what is good or right, hacking seems to be the way.

The last room is being done today. And a good thing. I am beyond worn out. As little of it as I have done, just constantly being on call has me down to the nub. I can only imagine how my mom feels! However, my home is fully set up and organized. And I shouldn't be going through a major illness again soon, other than maybe death. But that is a whole different thing. And, regardless, even in my time-relative low, I am still doing better than I have in decades. Comparatively, this is an extreme period of high functioning. While I will always have a bad case of bacheloritis, getting a leg up helps once an occasional.

My bedroom is now set up so I have some real room. The bed isn't in a niche and there is room to add a dresser or two. It seems like a simple thing to rearrange, but it wasn't. I think I will like it a great deal more this way. I guess, when I set up my bedroom, I went with what seemed like the natural way, the way the room seemed to be designed. Hmm, I also went with the head facing west, as I have had it for... as long as I can remember. As well, I didn't think the other choices would work. It turns out they do. I will have to readjust to having my head facing south when I sleep though. Yeah, a weird little thing, but...

Ugh. Tomorrow I will be helping my friend get moved in. I will be taking Gatorade, a couple of bottles at least. I am not looking forward to the move but I will do what I can. If I have to take it slow, so be it. I figure an extra set of hands that helps with ten or twelve loads would be worth it. And someone who can help lift a couch or dresser or table into the right place would be handy. At least I am not to the point where I am completely unhelpful.

As I have been working on drinking a bit more fluid I have been, again, losing weight. If I don't drink enough my body begins to collect water, rather than expel it, the medicines be damned. Drinking too much might be a problem, but on these level of water pills, I am not sure I can drink enough to end up drinking too much. Weird as it sounds, I think that is the way it is. It's a catch 22 that makes the medicine, in this regard, only work when I drink far more than the doctors recommend, but not too much, all of which is guesswork. I think three to five twenty four ounce glasses of stuff a day, plus a sixteen ounce glass of milk with a couple meals, just about does it. If I don't drink enough, not only do I gain water weight, my kidneys start to fail, as I quit expelling at all. Weird but true.

Bah, blathering again. Later.

I liked this.

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I am almost guilty of it but I am learning. How do you get edumacation (re-education) out of your mind once it is in there? I'm not too much into calling people hicks, however. Or, not 'usually' in the bad way. A hick, for the most part, to me, is a non-specific non-militarized marine. And that isn't too bad at all, mostly. Here it is. Stolen from ArchAngel.

You live in a city. You don't know how to change a tire or oil. You don't know how to build a fire. You can't communicate without a cell phone. You can't fix your plumbing. You can't set up your own wifi. You're untrained in basic economics, chemistry, physics and history. You can't prepare food without packages, and aren't even aware that food has to be processed from root or bone before that. You only know and get paid for one very specialized task.

Yet you call me a "hick."

Becoming a hick is no small task. But I am working on it.

Some morning thoughts.

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I know, I even accuse myself of being a braggart and making plans from the ground on up to the stars. Reality sometimes intrudes in the way of health, or as I am working through something so that sheer complexity or levels of complexity and various little jobs involved become too much and I back down. Still, sometimes I make it through. While I didn't make it through engineering, I did make it through the math part and took a masters (actually ph.d) level course to top it off. Not bad, really, for someone in my condition. It seems this is not only a normal trait, there seems to be a reason for it.

While the cookie crumbles, people are weeping the big tears, bitterly longing for a time long past and a world that was never possible. On the good side, divorces are down, people are actually paying attention of politicians and what they are doing (if many of them still don't get it), and cocaine overdoses in at least one city are down. My guess is as the fabled city of gold fails at least some of the things which allowed this nation to become great might reemerge. And as people become more used to humbler means, they might be forced to see why that isn't all bad. Their is a very possible silver lining in that dark unavoidable cloud.

When I mock some preppers, it is for a reason. I must say, however, some of what is offered for in advice is similar. Either prepping is aimed at the foolishly wealthy (and to a degree, it is in many cases), or some people just go foolishly overboard (which also happens). Beans and bullets is as far as I have gotten, and only gotten into. I haven't completed either, if finishing those will simply be a matter of money and time. It is just that I become highly irritated at some of the suggestions because they are so far out there. Now, I have never specifically had this recommended. Probably because I haven't looked hard enough. It epitomizes my disgust with the extremes of the notion of prepping. And, when I saw it, I had to laugh, long and hard. A picture truly can say a thousand words, and more.

Yesterday was a brutal day. The temps climbed into the 90s again, after weeks of being in the low 80s, and I missed my night pills so doubled down yesterday morning. Foolish, I know, to a degree. But I am hellbent on taking my dosages in prep for even a higher dose of things. I want to get the three month at max dose started so I can see if it worked so I can begin cutting the dosage. And, pretty much, that dosage will be what I am working up to. That is going to be brutal.

I have some things to do. Be well.

Heh!

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Oh, a couple of things tickle my feathers. Today I have decided not to drive to SLC. I will do the blood test when I take my mother back. Beside not being able to afford the trip I am simply done. Which is good, because my mother wanted some small things done that I was able to help with. Moving the refrigerator, then tipping it so she could level it, for me, is a small thing. Of course, being as mechanical minded as she is, I didn't let it down until I reminded her to remove her fingers. Girl types take pain personally, even when they suggest that dropping the fridge now would be a good idea, so I watch them carefully anymore. Heh. So long as I don't have to move or tip things all day, I have plenty of strength, very little stamina. And I suspect she will have me wipe the cupboards on the high side. The lowside kills me but the highside is easy.

Something I have noticed is that bloggers use other people's stuff. Which is all fine and is truly dandy. I am noticing some of my unique stuff going up, ideas borrowed a little too close to be 'like minded' situations. But it is done weeks or even months after, not days or even moments in some cases. My guess is that I am too "hot" politically to emulate directly, so time is waited so any connection would be lost or deniable. And, yes, I am sure. It makes me feel much better. Especially when the soft on liberalism et. al. sites are beginning to lean more my way. Just... enjoying the little things. Heh.

Oh, my mother found some pictures to put up. One of them is an actual oil. We got them for a bargain, too. Nothing fancy, and I did have to say "No!" to a few things (one of which she ignored me on, but it is going into the "girls room" (extra bathroom) so I can "not see" it and thus not be bothered by it, plus I have the deniability of a.) not seeing it and b.) saying my mother must have done that!). One is a cowboy oil, put up in the living room. Small, but original and nice. The other is a really very well framed and mounted squirrel on a big branch with an acorn, for the computer room, a print from a watercolor I think. I like the fuzzy rats, I do. My home is almost looking more like someone lives here! No nick-nacks however. I sort of put my foot down on that. If I do something along those lines, I will get a book stand and open my big bible or another respectable tome on it. Perhaps I will change the particular book with the season, perhaps even the page it is on say for Christmas and Easter, or some particular science book opened to particulars of math or science based on the particular season. The other thing I would like to do is set out my fountain pen and ink collection. I have a decent slanted case for the pens already, so it wouldn't take much. I just have to make sure things are sturdy with the rugrats always on the prowl and hissing for some hot cat on cat action. :p Well, that is my last "Heh" for the day... so far.

Be well, enjoy your loved ones, pick on them and your pets too. Gotta have some fresh pickings from the family tree to keep you warm and ready for a return. Debt isn't always monetary or bad. Later.

I think my mother IS wearing out.

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I'm wearing her down with my sheer exhaustion! Well, something like that. Okay, not really, but I need to feel like I am doing Something. On the good side, she is finally feeling better. She was quite sick when she showed up. I would cook, but by the time I am up to it, it is done. Same with dishes. I never, when I do keep up on dishes, wash them right after eating. And, I usually eat later, or a bunch of tiny meals. She just does things before I would get to them. I will make her a nice meal before she goes home AND do the dishes. I have been setting the coffee pot up for her for the mornings. I did take her in to the phone store and got her a new phone and had them fix her message system.

Tomorrow I will be driving for a blood test. It seems my kidneys, liver, or something were not reading well. I probably haven't been drinking as much with my mother here. It takes me a while to realize I need to drink something and she sort of breaks up my "concentration". No, she doesn't mean to. It's just that too much going on and a few out of context requests confuses my humble system, especially in my current state. It isn't even my bad, it is just the way of it. I am trying to remember to drink more anyway.

On my way home I will be picking my friend up for dinner. He wants a ribeye so a ribeye he shall have, along with the rest of us. I think he has cleaned all of his guns. He was having problems with his .45. He took a few pieces in, with a file set I recently purchased, and should have that fixed when he returns. So he will be able to put the pieces together. He shouldn't shoot the pistol, though. Not until he gets a heavier spring. That is what the problem was. His old spring is too worn and he loves his +p's.

Hmm, just about bed time. At least I don't have to be up at 4:00, or something ridiculous. I would like to be up earlier, but I am fighting to wake up even at a reasonable hour. The medicines, I suspect, are making ten to twelve hours of sleep the newer norm. I am fighting, but with both hands tied behind my back I am getting clobbered. It is my lot.

Good night.

Busy, busy, confused.

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There for a bit I could not sign in. It seemed as if my blog had been removed. I couldn't link to it or sign in. After I reread the page that showed up when I tried to go to this blog, it seems they indicated something hinky was going on at my blog, and they needed my phone, to text a message with a code to allow me access. None of that makes any sense, because anyone could have seen that page for all I know. I hated doing that because I don't trust Google, at all. I don't want such a "liberal" organization having my phone number. Not only will they pass it out, they can gain information from it. I did get back online, however, by putting it in. Now, to see what kind of trouble THAT will cause.

Today my mother and myself are plotting a day of shopping. Foods, perhaps a door or three, paint and a shorter grab-bar, and... other stuff. I will also be looking for another dresser. I have no real hopes, as we will be looking at some second-hand stores and, yes, I am extremely picky. Most modern furniture, new, from the "furniture stores" will not due. Junk, that is what most of it is. So I highly doubt I will find that. Not that I demand gold standard, I just expect real standards in construction. Still, you don't know unless you look I suppose. I probably need two more dressers. It isn't that I have a lot of clothes, though I do have a decent lot, but more my clothes take up a huge volume. Wide and tall, one might make a sail out of one of my jackets or shirts, on a smaller skiff or such.

I teased my mother about having gained me fifteen pounds with her food. Actually it has only been five. My weight, though, is up to 290. Oddly, my water weight is probably a bit low. I have to think that going from fairly active to even with her here relatively incapable of activity, for the weight gain. I WANT to be active. I just... can't... move... I can't focus, remember, or such. Medicines, I am almost sure. But since they are doing the job, as I said, I took it back up to where they want it. And, I may be taking it higher. I hate this. I hate it worse that the doctors keep saying these meds couldn't do this. I know they do, though. I might have to shave it close to nothingness and just hope it works. I will only give them three months, at that level, though. With a time limit on it, I might be able to limp through. At that point I will expect them to retest my heart and see if letting off the pressure has allowed it to heal. Either way, that will end the experiment and I will go back to a much lighter load of medicine. Oh, but they are right about one thing. Lowering medicine levels, even slowly, is almost as bad as doing anything else. If access to them ever fails completely, I might be in serious trouble if I lost access to refills. I don't like driving this close to even proverbial cliffs. :p

Well, I best get ready. A shower, maybe a shave, and I will do the best I can. I may let my mother drive, to start the thing off. Then take over when we get to town, and trade back for the ride home. I am running on empty but I will do what I can. She's a great gal and a wonderful mom these days. It's been good to know her, tweaky and feminine as she is. I guess that is the way of women. Nothing I didn't know from second or third grade. It just turns out they are more interesting, as a group, then I thought at the time. It's still, somehow, a God trick. Like those optical illusions, men never know, precisely, what we are dealing with regarding any one particular woman. Something a friend reminded me... Men of honor are one in a hundred. Women of honor aren't to be found among ten thousand. Oh, disagree with me, fine. But take care when denying the words of a man gifted by God with wisdom... King Solomon. Of course, that he had thousands of women must mean that... there are some reasons to like women? Heh! Wisdom indeed. Must have gone half insane with it.

Well, on to a bit of grooming and then the road.

Hmm?

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I couldn't get to bed until just about 4:00. I woke at 10:00, so all is good, for now. I'm not even sure why this happened. I've been eating well, sleeping well for the most part, and I have been (comparatively) active. When I can't think of something to do, my mother finds something. And, really, I have not had any difficulty doing a task she sets for me. No hassles, no troubles, no sass. Hopefully, tonight, I will sleep earlier.

I will be looking for tickets on the first. I want to see what the prices are, probably higher as we will be doing this on shorter notice. She is quite ready to go home I do believe. She likes a break from "back there" and "all that", but just a break. Soon enough out here becomes "all that". :) I keep probing for some gift, though actually I think I found it. She talked about it when she arrived, then quickly tried to get me to forget. A rice cooker. I will have to look through some cooking supply sources I have, check some reviews, and find the one that I think is long last, but more important for her, is easy to use and makes the best rice. Ease of use, to be honest, is paramount. If it takes an engineering degree to use, she won't use it (neither would I, to be honest, if the level of complexity I can bear is a bit more, it is not by all that much). Oh, and clean-up being a snap. If it is tre$-chic$, it will be her Christmas present as well. If not, I'll have to bug her for something else she might want. Bah! It's not even that she won't say, sometimes. But I have to have my hearing, not my "uh-huh", ears on when she does mention something.

I am going to finish a bit of painting today. She also wants to paint my side garage door. My place is in good shape. I may buy foods that are easy to prepare for a while, as my ability to get to things is still hampered. While I have done well with my mother here, she has been very lenient. And, to be honest, I needed that. I have been back and forth on whether the medicine plays a roll in my recent decline. And though I know the heat was a big problem, as things have cooled off I realize that has not been the whole of it. The medicines are definitely beating me up as we are ratcheting them up. I went ahead and went back to full doses of the main one (the one I had cut). But still, that is only half of where they want it! I may simply try to bite the bullet and live on extreme margins. But I will have to let them know that the stuff might end up seeing me more or less zombified. In such a condition, taking medicine, eating, drinking right, and caring for myself will suffer hugely, perhaps to the point where it simply doesn't work at all. Their choice. I want no recrimination should that happen, we will simply have to figure things out once I figure out I have slipped over that line.

That we are on the right track is a good thing. Whether we can go far enough with it is a whole other question. If we can't, I will live on the edge of extinction until I finally simply go extinct. Yeah, it is that thin. I don't like it, but what is to do about it but to... take a few risks, whichever way I can, or must.

A bit more waking to do, then on to painting. Have a great day.

Sleep does help!

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We are running a bit late. I woke at 8:30 but saw my shadow. *poof* It seems my mother woke early and needed more sleep too. Something about trips, medical procedures, doctors, and then coming back home, I suppose. She still beat me to wakefulness. I woke at, maybe, 9:30 or 10:30. She made burritos with a green chile sauce last night (mild, as she can't handle much heat anymore, indigestion you know, but quite anyway nice!). One was left, so I had that for breakfast/lunch, took my medicines, and am about to shower in case she wants to take that trip today. I should have taken the bandaging from the procedure off yesterday but... I just didn't want to. I am hoping a shower will bring the thing off easily. Then I am supposed to put a band-aid on it.

I am walking without too much of a hitch in my step today. Actually, no hitch so far. My leg is seeming better, with no weird pains in my leg. I'm still 'nervous' about pains or twitches. Like I said, death isn't terrifying, if something is, it is serious pain. In spite of having had no serious pains, knowing what they did makes me cautious. All they used was Novocain and dye, and minimal amounts of those at that. I would guess I am still rather immune to most pain. I guess what worries me is that I have never felt pain at the surgical sight, even after the Novocain wore off.

It's a beautiful day for a drive. After I get a shower I will see if we are going for a drive. Uhrm, I think I can drive today, by the way. If so, we should see if my friend still wants to go. I think my mother actually regretted asking my friend along, since she is getting ready to go home. She doesn't want to share her time. Still, it is too late. If we go, he goes. I won't renege or lie.

I don't know if I mentioned it, but my brother talked with me yesterday for the first time in... several years. Then again, the last time we talked, I looked up where he worked in Vegas, as a casino guard. And I stuck out my hand and he wouldn't shake it and had nothing to say to me. The last time we actually spoke was at his wedding, 15 years ago or more. We are such different people. My brother is... plain? I walk on clouds, live there. He not only accepts the social pecking order he accepts whatever it offers him, I abide it no more than I abide the notion of failure (never mind that I do fail, I don't like it and work against it headlong). He accepts, I demand better. Even when I would fight people who picked on him, he chose them to befriend and took the beatings as part of the pecking order and earning his way 'in'. Opposites, at best. Enemies, in any other situation but family, I suppose. I don't abide. He belongs, I am my own. Each has it's place. And, yeah, I write things in my way, because I believe in my way. This will be a difficult thing, even now, more so perhaps. And yet, I am grateful to be talking. I just understand I have to watch things with him. He doesn't understand my side, or even what it is or means to me. He only knows his side. He doesn't understand debate, either. He takes it personally. Ugh... But, so be it.

Well, time for a shower and getting dressed and ready. Lots of good things going on. Gotta keep it going. Be well.

Definitely not clogged arteries.

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The doc said my arteries are as clear as could be wildly hoped for them to be. They also did a vascular survey and it seems that my heart 'electronics' are exactly where they should be, which means the medicine is actually working, according to him. The procedure, so far, has been a non-event. Oh, sure, there were and remain some odd tickles, pains, and stiffness. Without shoes and socks, my right foot feels like someone took the ball part of a ballpean hammer, and while I was chilled to the bone, smacked it good and hard. From the bottom of my foot into odd parts of my lower leg, it feels, I suppose I could say, as if something shivered me timber.

Oh, and while I was there, I had a nurse who was being a stickler to detail. I found out that I am not 6'4", or 6'3,3/4", or even 6'3,1/2". I am actually... 6'5" and maybe a half or a quarter more. She couldn't quite reach for that last bit and it was right on the edge of being the max. Because my weight is fluctuating, both with eating more with my mother cooking, doing less as I am still a little weak, and water weight oddities, I can't quite say I am below 30% bmi. What I can say is, for once, getting on the scales might actually have helped in that score, for what it is worth. I honestly didn't realize that I was 6'5", plus. Odd. Then again, most people are very lazy. Rather than bringing a chair over to get it right, they just slop measure me.

I'm still walking a little funny. I am worn out. All the good news was nice though. I suppose it was worth it. I think my mother enjoyed getting away, but hospitals are hospitals, as far as that goes. When it isn't terrifying it is boring. She made due with reading materials and such. The hotel was okay, safe and clean, and with a decent city scape scene.

We stopped at one of the many fresh fruit and vegetable markets on the way home. Peaches, fresh local grown, and ready! She bought a few more things for salsa and this and that. All good. I think I am about to crawl into my pajamas, because they are easier to deal with. I'll just put on a pair of socks and hope that tends the foot a bit. And, I think, that is about it for me for a bit. If she wants to go somewhere tomorrow, she will probably have to drive unless I feel a lot better tomorrow. I do love to drive though, so we will see.

Later or possibly good night.

Well, tomorrow is the day.

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I'll be out of town for a bit. The prognosis is good though. The chance of a serious problem during the angiography, angioplasty, or adding a stint or several, is in the 1% to 2% range. Even given my luck I should be fine. And, my mother can't say a thing about me 'taking it easy'! Heh. No, she is fine, she is just a busy woman and loves having a little company sometimes. And I like to help, I don't get the chance often, being mostly useless to most of the rest of the world.

I did get information regarding the clinic appointments, but I didn't receive any other information, so I called and called and called. After about an hour, I made contact with someone who knows about the procedure. I have to be there an hour early to get blood work, I need to fast from midnight on (hopefully I will sleep through that, ack!), but I am unsure if I was supposed to take the medicine in the morning or not. Some definitely not, but all of it? I am not doing well today, so attention span is weak. But talking to someone with English as a second language doesn't help. Ah well. I also signed up for online information with the V.A. After I check in and sign up personally, I can then check and order medicine, by name, online, check and change appointments if needed, have direct contact with my clinics and doctors, and some other gunk. Looks good to me.

My mother wanted to ask me something today. I was a bit nervous about it, because when she says she wants to talk, it usually means someone died, or something really bad, otherwise she just says it, usually. So, after I got up and seemed more awake, she asked if I would allow my brother to contact me. Oh, I know. I said I wouldn't consider it. I said it was his fault and I had tried, many times, to horrific rejection. He is taking the blame for it, too. Oh well. I can't refuse, and wouldn't if I could (which, actually, I could, I just won't). But I just don't want it starting about blame or the past or apologies. Just start off with where we are today and what we are planning for tomorrow, as if nothing happened, at the very least for now. If in time he wants to talk about the past, perhaps. But not now. That is the only non-negotiable.

I best get ready. Something like three sets of unders, socks shorts and at least one t-shirt, two pair of jeans, three shirts, and personal kit. I probably won't take soap or shampoo and conditioner. We will be in a decent hotel, not a spooky motel, so I can assume a bit. Hmm, a shower first though. Hmm, I best take a book or two as well. They probably won't let me move much and I might not feel like it.

Have a good weekend. :)

Dinner, gun cleaning, and done.

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I was able to shop solo for my mother. I bought a grip bar for the shower, and hope to have it installed tomorrow. Depending on if she likes it. I may need to get a shorter one. I stopped at Home Depot for the bar, tape, and some razor scrapers. Then I made it to the store and picked up everything but a fly swatter, but because it wasn't available and I was 'done'. I made it home, helped unpack (why she won't let me do what I can I will never know). She made a bit of food for me, a delicious egg, fried potato, and salsa burrito.

We did a few things, but it came time to pick up my friend for dinner. He was a bit miffed, as he had hoped (without telling me) that I would pick him up closer to 13:00 (it was well after 16:00, nearly 17:00 when I arrived). I had no notion that he would be free until 15:00 at the earliest. But a fried chicken, fresh corn, mashed potatoes and gravy, with a glass of milk soothed his savage beast right down.

We then cleaned guns. I did my .45 and .22 Henry, he did his .45 and his .357. My mother indicated that I will not be going shooting this weekend. With my condition being weakened by the procedure, at best, she thinks Sunday would be a better day to drive around and look over the other side of the mountains to my west. It's a single mountain chain that leads down into another valley. Though I don't think there is another set of mountains for some distance beyond them. It is a nice ride though, I like it, though I had nothing to do with her choice. She just... wants to see the other side. That is, if everything goes well Friday.

As well, I plan to have him back Wednesday again, to clean the rest of our guns. Hey, after such a meal, it is difficult to do much or to do it quickly. Plus, he will get another meal on the house. I may ask my mother if she wishes for me to cook it. No, really. I am thinking roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy (all of us love that), and something something else. She may choose to cook, she likes to cook. I am just wanting to offer her a break if she wants it. Women are crazy, even if she says yes, or no, she will probably change her mind on the way and end up doing it no matter what she ever says. Ah well, I do try, sort of. :p

Have a good night. I think I shall rant no more on this fine night. Sleep and such should suffice to find me less foul, should I have been so today. Good night once more.

Oh right.

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The problem, put simply, is that too many American men are

but want to be

realizing neither is worth being. The internet is pretty much full of these types.

I am not sure.

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I am not certain I am for Perry yet. To this point, probably. But I like the direction he suggests and the way he says it. We don't need another soft-on-America politician, like Romney, who seems to believe in the state over the citizen. And we don't need more politicians who have never actually, you know, done anything but run for minor offices. Nor does a businessman seem to be a wise choice. No matter how successful, business isn't politics. Much like you don't put a pro football player into world class swimming competitions, blindly based on his other accomplishments.



It is funny. I hear people complain about the feminization of the military, the queerification of the military, the immoralization of education, the islamification of America and Europe, and all the rest, and yet then turn around and despise the real solutions to the problems. Why can't we offer special rights AND not have these things? They might as well ask why we can't fly. If they have to ask, they are lost. Whatever. I don't receive responses to my comments anymore because I put it the way it is, not the way it should be, or could be in some fantasy land. And that is fine. All I am saying is if you are going to complain about it, then don't turn around and support it. You can't have it both ways. I have decided, other than on personal matters or with those few of you I usually chat with, comments are off (as much as is possible).

You can't pick one or two groups to support, but not the rest. Just like you can't pick some government glut spending and not other spending. It ends up that everyone picks too much. Special rights and glut spending has to end for America to remain free. Or, more, regain freedom. Even so, even should we do the right things, we will do so under the yoke of a huge debt. Nothing will cure that now. Best to decide whether to freely begin working to get out from under that yoke or choose to live with it and without freedom on top of it.

Another day.

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I worked as long as I could but ran out of steam. I took a nap shortly after that last post. I woke up every hour, but couldn't rise until three hours had passed. My mother was finished with the day by then. I asked if she wanted me to go to the store. For whatever reason she wants to go too. So that is planned for the morning. Tomorrow, when my friend is here, she will be making a really nice meal. We will be cleaning guns.

One of my neighbors brought vegetables over from his garden tonight. It is quite a nice thing to do and is greatly appreciated. I wish I could offer them something back but I have little in the way of anything to offer, but thanks. Which I do offer.

I am not sure, but even with the nap, life is a bit tough right now. I am doing little, moving slower, and tired again. I plan to go to town with my mother, shopping. I think I could do it myself, easier. But then maybe not. In times like these I "prefer" to rest and just go when I can, feel up to it a bit more. No more pushing, though. I really hit it hard the other night. If I have to I will let her drive home on the return trip, though driving isn't much of a stress.

I still haven't received information regarding the angiography. It would be nice to know how long I need to fast, whether I can drink water, and such. I haven't checked the mail in a bit. If this information isn't in the mail tomorrow, I will call and get the data.

Good night.

I have been doing little things.

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Lots of them. I am about done, however. This last thing, my mother wanted me to put up a curtain rod on the back door. She thought the nails that came with the kit would be fine, but I suspected wood screws would do better. And I was right. She is good with what needs to be done, fail on how to do it. So, I got the thing up. I looked out and was just about to tell her when I thought better of it.

I looked at her, about to connect to someone on her cell phone so well and properly distracted. And with a straighter face then the best poker player and in a serious tone, I said, "It's bad, I'm going to have to take the door off to get the rod on". She looked at me, and thought, scrunching her face like she does when something isn't quite right. I then told her, nah, it's up. She then said, "Bring me a hammer". And I said, in a definite tone, "Not while you're angry"! Then I ducked in and am in hiding for a bit.

I do like being a pest. I really do. *evil grins*

Ah, okay. I think I almost popped yesterday.

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I didn't realize it when it happened, and not until I had settled down quite a bit. But I think yesterday, during the hubbub, I came as close to a heart attack as I have ever been. I think, normally, when I get that bad, I have a set of things I can do to alter the proceedings. Slowing down, cooling down, blasting the CD player or turning it down (yes, loud helps sometimes), perhaps a nap, a number of things, depending on where I am, to change the flow of events. Even quiet inflective prayers help sometimes.

I also am beginning to think that exterior factors, such as work, stress, and such, sometimes only have a minor impact on when those things happen. Sometimes that will happen for absolutely no external reason. Because, as I think about things, I really haven't been working all that hard. Bending over a lot might be the biggest problem, regarding physical work. And heat was probably the biggest external stressor. And trying to shop with my mother, in the heat, while stressed, would have been the largest mental stress. Gah! I love her but she shops low, slow, and stops everywhere. But to be honest, she is a good shopper. She remembers lists she didn't bring and alternative fixes for things. I think I can do fine, but not so long, so hot, when so tired. Though too, sometimes this, like I said, happens for no reason at all. Getting home isn't quite what I used to believe it to be. I am having to switch from thinking it is mental to understanding it is merely because my body is telling me if I don't get home, it will fail.

A good night of sleep has helped me get things right. I couldn't get to bed until after midnight but I was up by 9:00. I think I slept well and fell asleep relatively quickly. My waking was nice too, starting at probably around 8:30 and slowly percolating to the 9:00 lift-off. My mother feels bad about it, because she just thought it was an emotional reaction. Now that she realizes it was a physical problem, it bothers her. From now on, if I have to go, I will have to ask her to drop everything and then come back in later or another day. I can often do that. Especially if all I have to do is drive or be the passenger.

I know she wants to go to the grocery store today. Morning or evening is best. She may also want to go somewhere else. My trick, today, will be to stop somewhere, or take a bottle of Gatorade with, though there are a few other tricks I have. When I shop, I can do it very fast (more so when I remember to bring my list). If she lets me shop, she will have what she wants in five minutes, rather than the thirty to forty five minutes she would take (but nothing, or almost nothing, from other lists gets bought). Boom, boom, done, and that actually makes shopping doable for me. A slow pace kills me, literally I am thinking now. I'm a hunter, not a gatherer. :)

I could be wrong about the heart attack. I don't really know the symptoms. Oh, sure, I have read them. I have also read real people reporting on it. I think it is completely individual. Perhaps pushing, too, is good. I don't know. I do know I will continue to work, though pace myself a bit better, if possible. It hit from my blindside, like a Mack truck though, yesterday. But I did most of the right things. I just couldn't go straight home. I'll figure it out. Anyway, Friday is when they will be looking at my arteries and such.

Have a great day.

Too much, too hot, too long.

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I got very snappy this afternoon. A culmination of many things. It was hot. I have been active every day for too long. My mother moves very slowly, looking at this and that, with no notion to buy. And finally the fact that since we were together, I couldn't just go home. I need to do that sometimes, but could not. I barked, no biting. I also apologized. But I am nearly on bed rest for a few days. I nearly passed out in Walmart. Simply put I was done. I went to the auto to wait, after letting her know, but she still took a long time to get out of there. Trapped, overheated, dehydrated, and done for.

We got home and slowly unpacked the car. I have been chugging Gatorade, which is helping. But it might be a bit before I am able to do much again. I took it to the line then way over it. Okay, I see that there is a real line which going over takes me too far out of my element to be civil. I hadn't gotten close to it before. I have always suspected, if I didn't actually know. Now I know. Feral is where going over that line takes me. Well, that and a few other lines.

We will be going to SLC Thursday. I like the place I chose to stay. There is even a large pool, more for my mother. It is relatively close to the V.A., I know the way well and it is rather straight forward. I have to be there at 6:00, so I am hoping there will be little traffic for the drive, which in heavy traffic would take no more than fifteen to twenty minutes, and ten minutes if it is light. Why the angiography scares me? First, because of what they are actually doing. Second, that after it is done I will be in critical care for four to six hours (and that is if it all works as planned). Then that they don't want me to drive for 24 hours after the procedure. But worse, they fibbed about the severity of the thing when they talked to me about it.

But more, if they do see blockage, they may well try to open in. Since I won't allow an open heart surgery, or any surgery really, if they mess up I am dead. I simply won't allow them to open me up and cripple me for life. Period. I won't even say I am truly frightened, I just know where I am coming from and they don't understand, yet. I think they were rather flip about it, and that doesn't provide much comfort. I don't like this, not at all. But it probably does need to be done, most likely just to check something off the list as a possible culprit. The good side is if they see blockage and can clear it without killing me, I might be back on my feet sooner than later. And perhaps another medicine addition might help keep it that way. It is worth a shot, but don't pull my short hairs about the potential dangers. That's all.

I went in to make sure my mom wasn't crying about my snap. It wasn't completely at her, but she got some of the splash. Actually, it wasn't all that long of a tirade either, or deep. But it was enough. A hug, a kiss, and another apology. Just so she knows. I know how heart-breaking that anger can be. She seems good. I got her a glass of ice-water and asked if she needed anything else. Nope, just reading until she can sleep and good for the night. But she does seem "good" about it. Even around the edges. We do seem to hurt the ones we love the most. Luckily my snap was short, if deep. Ugh.

Almost time for bed. The fan is going, the Gatorade is helping, nighttime medicines are down, Sam is enjoying popos attention and Sassy is... being the nutball she likes to be. All good. Good night.

A deal with the devil?

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It is sometimes more difficult to wake up in the mornings when I know I have much to do. It doesn't matter what I want. This is part of why I am often slow or late, too. And yet I don't want to quit or give up, and I want to help my mom. So I made a deal. I will wake up as early as I can, and more easily, if my mother gives me two hours to... wake up. Not a request for coffee, no asking for even 'a bit of work', nothing. Talk to me, that is fine, but not about work. She has agreed. No, this is what helps me wake up to get to whatever I try to do and every day, whether I get to something or not, whether she is here or not. She has agreed. And, this first morning, she did quite well.

I set my alarm for 7:00, and since I went to bed at 23:00 or so, I thought I had a chance. But I have been doing something for too many days in a row, and every day, and a lot of stuff (given my situation, condition). I did not wake until 9:00 or 10:00, and then I came out and did my morning reading. I could see she was biting her lip, but she did great. And I finished early, so I went in and let her know I was ready. Now I know why she was biting her lip though. I hadn't gotten the trash out and she didn't know when they came to pick it up! So, that was the first thing. Then kitty litter (which was actually pretty good, but weekly is the goal). It seems Sassy "went" in the middle of the kitchen. I think she is acting up because my mother is here. Or my mother was sitting at the table and Sassy didn't think she could make it through? Something.

Three or four or five tasks have been done since then, but it was time to sit. I let her know I was going to take a break, that I had little choice. And I didn't. I turn pale, get sweaty, and begin nearly feinting when it is time to sit. Yes, boys and girls, I have real limitations. Bending over a great deal is the heaviest strain and most, if not all, jobs this morning saw me bent over a great deal. At least, on the good side, with her still sick, I am 'keeping up' to a more narrowing seeming work ethic, for a guy in domestics against a gal, and all things being equal, and... such. Yes, I filled that statement with more caveats, exceptions, and 'buts' than is probably legal in proper English grammar, but it's all true!

Oh, I made one more deal with her. I have watched her, in amazement. And, I do like having a clean house. So, given a day of rest leading up to it, I want her to help me with my bedroom. But, I don't want her to touch a thing. I want her to teach me. I want her to tell me what to do with everything, and have me do it. The same with my bathroom on another day. If she can agree to touch nothing, I will agree to have zero veto power and no (as little as possible) lip. I want to learn to see how she sees, think how she thinks. I want to keep my place up but I am well and truly lost. Oh, I will promise, when she returns, there will always be work if she really wants it (and she does). But that the gnarly stuff won't be nearly so gnarly, or she can get me to do it.

Yes, yes, but my goal is to be as self-sufficient as possible. Not just for me, though if you have ever met an older cat person that reeks of cat, you must know the fear I have. And, further, I would like to have people over to my home for a meal once in a while. I haven't had my friends over in quite some time. I don't want to become a hermit through shame. Further, should I have tasks I cannot quite do, such as rewiring, or bringing the fusebox inside, or hooking up the electric water heater, or having my home inspected for energy conservation, I need to have a reasonably clean place. Shame is powerful, regardless of the reason.

So, the deals have been made. I would like to wonder who in the party to the deal is the devil, but... Well? No doubt who that would be with even an ounce of consideration. But I am actually trying. Later.

Survival.

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I keep seeing odd little tales or pieces of advice about how to survive. From books on personal self defense to the notion of surviving come what may. Of course, I look those things over. I think about what is written and the target audience. I am most perturbed by most of what I have read. To put it bluntly, if you are a man in your 30's or older, and you have never been in more than, say, two fist fights, you are in trouble. And women? You might learn to defend yourself against a very weak and poorly interested attacker, but don't even think about getting into 'the pit'. Many of these books or pieces of advice are very poorly targeted. Trust me, don't fight me, don't even think about it. Kill me, if you think you must, but don't fight me.

I honestly don't care if you have practiced martial arts since you were five years old. Unless you have been in real fighting situations, you have zero understanding. There are no rules when it comes to surviving. What of rules may exist now and in the future mean nothing during an encounter. Those are things that are tallied after the fact by people who really don't understand and often mean to not understand. They are a separate issue. Any time you are confronted by naked aggression of which you neither created nor anticipated, and whether you are the target or around the target therefore a secondary target, you are already in a SHTF scenario, a very localized one.

Learning how to use a gun, and practicing with it (or preferably them), is an excellent choice. I highly recommend it, that and gaining a permit to carry concealed. I also highly recommend that if you do so you do not think that makes you, somehow, magically safe now. Even if you have a permit or legal allowance to carry a gun and ammunition; are you willing to shoot a threat in a group of non-involved people? Are you willing to shoot at all? Will you have time to shoot? There are other questions, but that's a start.

If you have never been in a fight without rules, if you have never been in danger of losing it all, you really don't know how you will react. Why do you think they yell at people in military training, save for some of the tighter training (mostly)? It is to get people used to friend and enemy and the environment making lots of noise, in many ways, while the trainee is supposed to do his job anyway. The more advanced students are there at the trainer's leisure, yelling isn't important and is contrary to the training anyway. Get used to loud, boisterous, intolerable conditions. Go out and fight. If you really want to learn. And fight without rules. Or at least fight were the rules are rather loose if you fear that too much to begin. I recommend this only to men who are already combat trained, know where to go, and just need experience. And in another breath, I don't recommend it at all. You really might end up on a slab.

My advice, if you are older and unprepared, or a woman, is to become very aware and avoid confrontation. Know where you are and who is around you. Don't go to bad parts of towns, don't go to bars. Life is really simple. If you must take security risks, doing so in a group only slightly changes the odds of trouble. First, how well do you honestly know yourself? Then, how can you know your friends? No, really. Further, assuming you are right about them, what exactly can they do to fend off a serious threat? Oh? Really?

Survival doesn't always come down to being able to 'man up'. It often comes down to simply using your head, or legs when needed. It comes down to surrendering to degradation at times. It comes down to how much you will sell and how much you can buy. The strong may well be some of the first killed, along with the very weak. I don't think it will have a lot to do with physical ability, intelligence, wealth, or anything. It will have more to do with a willingness to survive. And to survive you will often suffer greatly. Don't worry about being the fastest gun, one against many will undo you. Don't worry about being able to fight your way through any enemy, you can't, eventually. Think about being prepared to suffer. And, actually, understand that won't always do it.

I don't think God chooses. I don't think Satan has the power to choose. Neither, in fact, do we. Oh, I will still prep. And I do know how to fight, shoot, and if I don't have the conscious will to survive, I just seem to do so anyway. But when it comes right down to it, I will usually choose not to fight, quite often by not providing an opponent. But if I have to fight, and I see it coming or not, and I think it is for all the marbles? I don't play fair, I play to win, and I don't worry about it at all. And yet I know that all it would take is one seeming friend with a gun behind his back, a bullet from 200 yards, or a baseball bat to the head (at least a half dozen times, so I really wouldn't try it alone) while I sleep. And I don't worry about that either.

No, don't read a book and buy a .38 and think you are good. It's a big world. When changes come, it will swallow you and Toto too. As uncomfortable as my advice may be, that is probably as good as it actually really gets. And that it is coming from a monster of a fighter and a decent shot, with tactical running around in my mind half of my waking hours, I would advise that you at least think about it.

Sin.

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I don't know why some things come to my mind, or why I write about this topic and not that one. All I know is sometimes some things seem to need to be written. This is one of those.

Sin has been on my mind lately. Well, sure, I have confessed to the major ones, the ones I know about or understand for what they are. And I have done that as honestly as I may. Details have been lost in time, but not what was done. I was forgiven these sins, and given a general forgiveness. And I have accepted that forgiveness, finally. But issues remain.

Chief of these issues is a concern regarding what must go with forgiveness or absolution. That is to go and sin no more, especially the same sin. I suppose I wonder, given the chance, would I commit that same sin again? If not in flesh, what about in my heart? I know the answer and I don't like it. I live with it in my heart even as I learn better to live without it in the flesh.

My lady friend was here, we slept in the same room on our trip. And I kept my hands, but not my heart, to myself. God knows. He knows all things. I did do what frustrated men do, privately of course, several times. This too is a sin. I cannot seem to fully get away from sin. You see, and this is a catch. It is required. While I have been vastly better at my choice of celibacy since the 'spring' of health upset the applecart. But that I have to try, pray, work at it, means it is still in there. And more, I would not wish to lose my interest in women. This is just one aspect of sin which bothers me. There are many topics, this one is simply one that most people understand. I think even women know this, if from their side of the conundrum.

I can't say for sure if I will eventually make it to heaven. I know what Christ suggested, I have read the bible, I try to understand what the Church says and means by it, I look to the Magisterium for guidance, I ask God to take over my life and live through me in a quarter of my prayers (the other prayers being over food or little thanks or requests for safe travel or health for myself or others). And I try to let Him come in and use me as He will.

Just saying, this has been on my mind for several weeks. No, I don't think I am dying. I merely think I am hitting something and I need to embrace it and work past it. God is so easy to work with that it is impossible at times. Faith, I suppose, is the anti-dote to doubt. Hope too. Charity must be the product of those two? I'll keep working on it. Childish as it may seem, that is where I am.

Ha!

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Now my mother had hoped to sleep in today. Which she is doing. I myself, as usual, just wanted to get up at a regular, earlier, time. And I did. Nothing fancy but I was up at 8:00. She is sleeping and it is a goodly bit past 9:00. I have been trying to be (more) quiet, as if I make much noise in any case. But I don't think it would matter. Not when she needs sleep enough to sleep in, which only happens when she is ill. For her, 8:00 IS sleeping in on a normal day.

I just wanted to toot my horn. Sure, I am winning by default against a sick opponent, but I gotta take it! Later.