Of course.

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Up too late. I couldn't get to sleep until 2:00, and I ended up sleeping somewhere between seven and eight hours. On top of that, I did a lot of work yesterday. I was pretty wrung out when I finally came down enough to sleep. All good. I feel pretty good today. Better than I have for the last week. My muscles have a very light but present stiffness and soreness. All good, being that it is the weekend and I can take it easy. Tomorrow and Monday I have to be up early. By 7:00 tomorrow and by 5:30 Monday. That will be rough. I am going to have to set all three alarms and move the one beside my bed further away. While in town today, I am considering buying a third alarm clock. I have been fighting to get up at 7:00, even 8:00. It has been a losing battle. I am not sure another alarm clock will help but it is the only thing I know to do to help.

I read recently that overweight people eat fewer meals, snacks, and such, than people of a normal weight. I tend to believe this. That is why I am trying to eat smaller meals more often. Beyond eating more calories by eating less frequently, the other issue is that it becomes more difficult to maintain activity when eating only once, perhaps only every other day. I have noted, when I can maintain it, that eating three to six very small meals a day also keeps my appetite in check. I lose the ability, for the most part, of consuming vast quantities. It is, however, difficult to maintain two to three meals, and two to three snacks, a day. The sheer shopping experience is one thing, keeping enough volume of variety and volume alone to keep me interested in munching 'all day' is quite a trick. Of course with water weight fluctuating greatly, it is difficult to know just what affect any of this has.

Since my last fall, then rise, I have had a difficult time getting back on what had been a pretty regular munch fest. A munch fest which saw me to losing down to 260 or so as a low. Then too, I am on more medicine than I was on at that time, the main medicine that sort of holds me down. While cutting it a bit adding to function, greatly, this has been nothing like the spring or early summer events. Perhaps with the cooling of fall and winter, I wouldn't be able to repeat that anyway. So many things to consider. Some people say, "Just do it". While I try, I also know I have some real limits. But... do I? If so, where are they, what are they? Doctors don't seem to know or care. I haven't found a real source for help in knowing what I can expect of myself, what I truly can do without causing myself real harm, or how to go about maximizing my capacity, increasing stamina, or what to do when I 'step on the accelerator' and nothing happens. I am, well and truly, on my own.

Never mind all that, I suppose. One day, one project, one moment even, at a time. Carpe diem used to be my favored saying, it still is, in a sense. It can be taken in very many different ways. Some of it quite pagan or humanistic in form. For me it means when the opportunity to do good or honest work arrives, take it. And I do. Just blathering as I wake.

I have time, if not quite the energy, to prepare the roast. I will probably prepare the potatoes. But the apples I will prepare while the roast is cooking for the first hour, after Mass and the ceremony involved with joining the KoC. I have a hand crank apple corer and peeler that will make quick work of the apples. You know though, my friend called it right. Even if he had been right about only three to four inches of snow, I think we ended with six inches or more, because it was mixed with rain on and off, and with the timing, I would have had trouble getting him home in anything like a timely fashion. I may take him a heaping helping of the stuff tomorrow. Meat is fine, potatoes are great, but gravy, in his book, is divine. Apple crisp might not be bad to finish it. He needs the calories a heck of a lot more than I do.

I best get showered and figure out what all to do, and when. I have to say, in spite of the rough end of this week, I am pleased with what I did yesterday. Right on a necessity. Then helping out some unknown fellow. Pushing me to my limits and perhaps going a bit beyond. I might have sprained my angle just a tad, pushing a vehicle wearing the worst kind of boots possible. I had no real grip on the ground and no ankle support. Sacrifice. It'll heal. Good day.

I got some of it.

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The driveway and sidewalk was a bit more difficult then I had anticipated. On the good side, raw shoveling was minimal. On the bad side, it rained before it snowed. And at only right at 32 degrees, there was more slush than not. I did learn how to clear the snow blower though. I actually had to look online. Not much help, but the suggestions tended to indicate I should keep trying to clean it out. Finally I found what does the trick. It beat me up pretty good but I did it. I have decided to do the roast tomorrow. The snow removal simply took far too long. I thought it was going to kill me, but once I got the trick down, and I slowed down quite a bit, I finished just fine.

I decided to go into town, just to say I did another part of it. I couldn't put the roast in as I wasn't sure how bad the roads were. They didn't look good though. And I worried about possibly getting stuck, or something else happening. The roads were a bit rough. The road crew is working on them but it was still coming down heavily when I left. Yeah, I know. Actually it was a good thing I went out. I came upon a driver who was stuck. I was the only one there at first. I tried to push. Three or four major pushes and I got him about halfway clear. Remind me to get tow cords, chains, or ropes, would you? Ugh. Lucky for all of us another man showed up and began to help. We finally got him out. He thanked us generously and waved as he drove off. Not bad for a fifth of a heart. I did drive rather slowly into town, grabbed what I had wanted, and returned home without further incident.

Yeah, I am tired though. And pretty ripe. I dressed warmly enough for a trip up Mt. Everest or something. I'll have to work on that. I tried my hand at layering. Eventually I was down to nothing left to take off. I needed a shirt, thermal, and the waterproof coat as I was melting everything that struck me. My face was beat red when I saw it in the mirror. That's part of why I take on the pseudonym that I do.

Oh, but I did have a successful day. From the rust of exhaustion I scraped myself out and dusted myself off and did some serious work. It seems I am in luck, the snow seems to have stopped. I didn't get to all of it, but I did help another out on top of what I did, stubbornly forging into town. Perhaps forging into town was vanity, but I like to think it was merely taking care of one last thing. One of the simpler things that I was able to do.

I am going to look around my fridge and such. I do need something to eat. I should have grabbed something in town. I just didn't want to risk it. I thought the streets would be dead and the store would be empty. Not. There is no telling college kids, I suppose. Or Doom, perhaps? Bah! Good night.

Hmm.

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I was getting my winter gear ready, then I remembered. My boots are fine, other than that the lace tabs absolutely destroy shoestrings. I had, back when, meant to get a file and work them. I bought files just a few months ago but never got the files and boots together. I really didn't want to do that tonight, I have a roast to roast, apples to peel core and slice, a driveway to clean of snow, and a trip to town to make. If not now, when? And, if I put the new laces in, they would be shredded just by installing them. The old laces were completely unfit for duty. So, I got to it. I used a thin circular file to open the ends of the shoelace clasps, opening them up and then softening their edges. It seems to have worked well. But, now, for the rest of it. It might be a bit late getting to bed, but so be it. I also found a recipe that should work with the whole grain flakes I have in stock. My guess is oats will take the longest to cook, and the recipe considers the use of whole flaked oats. I can hope.

Well, I had best get to it. I will take a quick shower, then put on my snow/cold gear, shovel or use the snow blower, though probably a bit of both. Then come in and get the roast going. While I hate leaving it while I am not in the house, that is precisely what I will do. A quick stop at the store, then back home. I should have about an hour to get the crisp and whipped cream ready. Time to get started... Hey, delays happen. Take care of what comes up, it is part of my new deal. It'll all work out just fine. Later.

Dinner.

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I looked outside and saw that snow is coming down pretty heavy. More, it is sticking and piling up. During the watching, I thought about putting dinner off until tomorrow. It just didn't seem fun. Then I realized I have several events tomorrow. No, it had to be today. While I have been kicking around today, I also realized I have enough for an apple crisp. I did have to test the apples, but they are wonderful. One of my neighbors had brought apples from their orchard. I thought, by now, they must be bad. Nope, they were absolutely wonderful, at least the one I peeled and ate. Now, I don't have oatmeal. I have a 6 or 9 mixed flaked group of grains. I am not sure how much extra time it would take to bake that, I will be looking that up shortly. Further, while I roast the pork I will give the drive and walkways a mid-storm scoop. And, if I finish in time and the roads still look good, I may treat myself further by going to town for French vanilla ice cream and whole whipping cream as an alternative topping.

I received a call from the V.A., but not about what I had thought it might be. In spite of my dentist saying I wouldn't need to come back for a while, it seems the V.A. still has me set up for another visit Monday. I explained what my dentist had suggested and the woman said it was up to me. The problem with that, as with all bureaucracies, is if the medical practitioner has not nullified a scheduled visit, if I miss it I receive a hit. Enough hits and the V.A. begins not treating me seriously. Calling me in then canceling, changing my appointments with little or no notice, yeah... no. Besides, for whatever reason, when I went in for the work, there was no work order. The previous people had not told him what they saw as needed work. And though he got most of it, he did miss one thing. Something that is important to me. I have a chipped front top tooth. I would like to see that capped. Not a heavy duty cap, like you might think, just a minor recreation of the part that is obviously chipped. So, there is that. It is really early in the day which means I have a good chance of being out of there on time to make it to Mass there in SLC.

Yeah, okay, so I have been living lazy. I haven't had a lot of choice. I did take a nap this afternoon. I gave myself two hours but only needed about an hour and an half. While it was easy enough to get up I sure didn't feel rested when it was completed. It may have helped, it just didn't feel like it was helpful. Well, I am ABLE to stay awake. I guess it did allow me to do that. I was seriously failing before the nap. I will keep trying. Dinner, snow removal, and maybe ice cream. Thankfully I don't have to be up too early tomorrow. Sunday is another matter. Same with Monday. Maybe those forced early wake-ups might kick the engine over again.

Later or good night.

Nothing happening at the singles site.

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Now, I wasn't hugely hopeful. Women within my age group, that I have seen, are at the end of the line or beyond, or academic types. They have a masters or ph.d. with zero prospects of meeting a Catholic in those circles. Many of them, I am guessing, have severe financial issues. They wanted to be independent until they proved they shouldn't be. None of them seem all that interested in being a mother or wife, quite often it is about being friends. And, as I said, you can't be a vegan or into organic foods AND be conservative. I suppose the upper crust are, but these women aren't that wealthy. It tells me they are high maintenance but bring nothing to the table other than want. Now, if a woman really wanted to live organic, then she best be a heck of a gardener. I don't see too many ph.d. types who are interested in gardening, or have the time for it. I can work with some of this, but not all of it. If they want a man under their thumb, willing to put up with gross imperfections and problems, or if they are still waiting for that rich doctor or lawyer, I think they are in for a sad life. Not my problem.

Yes, yes, I am picky. I tell you now that I can be. What they are offering is sex and friendship, or something. I can get that any day of the week. Even as much as I clutz on words, women honestly don't seem to care. They get all moonstruck, funky, coquettish, then don the deer-in-the-headlight look. And while in this phase they are quite submissive, I know that doesn't last. Then I have to deal with the woman behind the vagina. Not always a pretty thing. I want, simply, to make sure the woman is right so when fun and games no longer starstrike her, that I can live with who is left. She has to be on page, on track, and ready to rumble. We will have a life to live, things to do, goals to meet, children to have, and a house to keep up. While I can do some of it, more than I will let on, I can't do all of it. I doubt if I can do half of some parts of it. I am just not seeing it out there. Never mind, I will keep my profile up. Look for new opportunities to converse. And keep praying.

Did I mention that I sent an email to the leader of the KoC on this matter? He wanted some information. I wasn't sure he had it all, even after meeting with the other gentleman. I also asked if there is a local Catholic singles group. If not, I asked about trying to set one up. I suggested that while older, I hadn't quite given up on the hopes of finding a wife. I think he left for the weekend though, so I won't hear a word on that for a while.

Women, can't live with em', can't live without them. And while it is said a good wife will lead to a longer life, even if that isn't true, from the married men I have conversed, it definitely feels true. *laughs* And, yeah, I would still like to bring a good woman into my life, so long as she is fruitful. Saddle up, I would suggest, we have a family to make. Hurry up, we are burning moonlight.

Another rough one.

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No worries, I am doing what I can anyway. Waking has been torture these last few days. Getting going is no easy task either. I could not make mass this noon. I did make a few calls, only one of them was successful (but that's not unusual I am learning). Actually, even the successful call wasn't exactly successful. I did call several people and found who most likely could help, called him but only reached a voice message system. I left a message with my bona fides, particulars, and contact phone number. He is filling in for another person, as well as doing his job today from what I have heard, so I don't expect a response today. You never know though.

A shower and such shortly, then in to town. I doubt if shooting is on the menu, it is snowing as I speak and my friend is not one for outdoor adventuring in anything that might even look cold. I am not sure he will even want to come for supper, but maybe. No matter, I didn't get to my preps last night. So before I go I will peel the potatoes, and go ahead and cube them after a call to make sure he still wants to visit. While in town I will be buying some apples, oatmeal, and ice cream if the meal is on. Otherwise I will simply enjoy another lame day. I will be trying my exercises shortly. I have decided that my exercises are fine. But six to seven minutes of the powerball probably was a bit much to expect on top of normal dailies. Since I want to bring the powerball into my events, I will probably need to switch to three day a week workouts, minimal as they are. (I receive no pay, equipment, coupons, or any other remuneration for using or discussing the powerball.)

I feel so underpowered and overwhelmed. But this is the time when I can prove my worth. This is where I get to keep trying despite failure and gloom. This is my chance to excel right through and in the midst of collapse. So I will keep my chin up and take the hits. If I get knocked down, I will use what strength I have to get back up. Where before I saw these moments as too much for me, and possibly they were. Where I would retreat from sheer exhaustion. I can now keep trying, keep my to-do lists current, to push and do what I can. This is a new world. Failure may still be the prognosis, even the reality. But only for a moment. I am on the other side of the coin now. Or, that is how I am playing it.

Hup! Time for some setups. Later.

As I suspected, my friend isn't interested in any travel. I still have to cook the roast, they don't refreeze well or last long otherwise. And I won't have to make such a large portion of mashed potatoes. If they held up better, were easier to warm up, I would make more anyway. And I won't worry about apple crisp. I would just eat it all and I don't really need that. His next opportunity will probably be a beef chuck roast at the beginning of next month. My next roast will be a leg of lamb and he doesn't like lamb. One roast a week, and maybe another real home cooked meal a week, the rest just filler easy stuff and leftovers. It works.

It is definitely a rough one.

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Waking was brutal. I did get my medicines down, including potassium. I brushed my teeth. It stopped about there. My ability to think clearly is simply not available. I hit a stopping point when trying to do my exercises. My muscles are simply too sore to truly do my exercises. Perhaps I have been pushing too hard too fast, doubling my initial exercises from my original amount in the last three weeks or so. I will give my muscles a break today. I may turn that into a three day a week thing, my exercises, instead of a daily routine. I knew that would have to happen sooner or later I just didn't think it would happen this fast.

I have been pushing things, this week and even before. I have been out of the house every day this week until today and I will be going out again Friday, Saturday, and maybe Sunday if I can make it. I have been getting up within a few hours of 7:00, as well. Even on the weekends (if I can't always get right to anything). I am worn out. Fair enough, a day off, then a light weekend, and then I will try it again Monday. I will try to meet with Father this Friday, if nothing else I will schedule an appointment. I am also set for Mass and taking my friend shooting and making us dinner as well tomorrow. To that end, I might peel the potatoes tonight, to be diced and boiled tomorrow.

I am even considering peeling and coring some apples with which to make an apple crisp. When I take the roast out I can just slide the crisp in. I might simply see if there is a way to make the crisp and have it ready to set out tomorrow, to get it to room temp, before finally baking it. Hmm, that means French vanilla ice cream must be purchased as well.

But today is a bust. I will do little and can do little. My muscles are rather sore and unhappy about being pushed, my mind is not able to focus, and I am as tired as I can be and still be awake. I'll still get a few things done, and prep for dinner tomorrow. Maybe a light day and an early bedtime will help. I don't think so, not completely. Imagine if we all ran on batteries. My battery is diminished. And more, my recharge rate is greatly reduced. Simply put, one day of rest will not recharge my battery and I have nearly emptied it of charge. This simply may take some time. I can't just replace my battery, an experimental, dubious, process. So, some days are just going to have to be a little bit less than hoped.

Later.

I certainly hope Romeny isn't it.

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I keep hearing that anyone is better than Obama. Okay, let me stop you right there. No, that is not true. If Romney, or Cain, or Newt are as good as we can do, I will not vote. While these politicians would certainly do less damage, over all, the Republican party would also do two other things in putting these men in office. It would continue the spending and socialism, just at a slower pace. They would, essentially, cement those notions as perpetual states of state. They would end any hope of escaping the awful "civil rights" programs, they would kill any chance (save eventual economic collapse or military losses) of escaping ever increasing government controls in our lives, our businesses, in everything everywhere and always. If you wish to 'negotiate' with the left and mainstream media on your next president, especially after your last one, you go for it. I hope your security will be worth your rights, because that is what you will be trading. Go big or go home.

I have given up. To be absolutely honest. It doesn't look like Republicans will come up with a candidate I could help elect. Bush the Last was the last politician I was willing to help elect where the choice was his socialism or the other guys communism. If my choice is electrocution or hemlock, I'll take door number three, thank you. And voting for some silly losing 3rd party who is some nasty mix of the two parties I am rejecting? Again, thank you but no. The reason so many people don't vote is there is no one worth electing. If people keep voting for the other guy simply because they can't stand who they just elected, this process is heading towards absolute breakdown. Eventually, if it hasn't already happened, they will get one last vote.

Grumpy. Waking up was tough. I just want to go back to bed. I have things to do though. I think? I think Father has Thursdays off. He does work weekends, you know. I guess getting one day off a week is one of the luxuries of the priesthood? Well, that and the great wages. Yeah, that is humbling to consider. That WAS cynicism guys. If you go into the priesthood, best to realize you won't retire to Tahiti, Maui, or such. You will live a life of service where your rewards are not monetary. I would love to see the state take a look at the priesthood and reconsider just what service actually means. The military seems to understand this, to a greater degree and with very steep costs for the servants. It might well take two priest's wages to cover one teacher's wage. Really? And the priests have a great deal many more in their "classes". The guys working at Fanny Mae for $900k? Yeah? 30 priests. Add with their bonuses, amounting to $5M yearly salary? Thems a lot of priests. And, I can't see how those bigwigs, who lost money 17 of the last 18 quarters, are even holding onto a job. Ah, right, government "servants".

I might make it in to the records department and begin researching whether to settle or file a claim with the small claims court. I sort of fear this. I have no idea how easy the research will be. It depends on whether records are easily categorized, separated, and read. This could be a quick one to three day job or a major undertaking. Today is the first day where I have enough room on my schedule to get in there and spend some time. Good or bad, in a smaller county, there may not be all that much information with few or no such cases going forward.

Later.

What is it that I have been doing?

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On days on which little is done, such as today, and more so on days where I have difficulty doing what was planned, sleep in, or whatever, I begin to question myself. I have to look at what I am doing, how my life is different from a few weeks ago, and what is coming up. I need to reaffirm my position, my success, or note my failures.

I was a bit bummed that I had missed Mass. And further that I was so late to get up. As I set about making supper, I had to think about all this. Supper? Well, yes, there was that. Hmm, no dirty dishes, either? Nope, not until supper. And I washed them, thoughtlessly, afterward. Drying all but the plate. It dries well itself, while the silverware and glass does not. Oh, and my home has been swept and vacuumed this week, and last. My bedding has been changed twice as well, with my bed being made almost every morning. How many times have I made it to Mass now? Eight, nine times? More. I have been waking up pretty well. There are days I stumble but mostly I get up before 9:00. I have begun opening long lost contacts with friends and my brother. I have been visiting my friend, seeing to his needs as is possible. I'm not the best at it, I like to go fast, perhaps too fast? But I do try to help. I may learn to slow down. But twice a week I have been getting both of us out. Being a friend isn't charity though, mind you. I don't see it that way. I have continued my little exercises, probably doing a few extra rounds to make sure they were done. I have taken my medicine like clockwork. I am negotiating a claim, finally filed my first time home-buyer credit, and am working at getting my gun rights back. And I am becoming involved with my Church, more actively than simple participation.

Okay. So I didn't get much done today. I stumbled on the way. It was an extra credit event and I did what I could with what I had. Sure, exhaustion seems to be hounding me lately, but I am working through it as I am able. I am sticking to the plan, I have my daily routine, I have figured out weekends. Could I honestly do more? Not right now, no. I may honestly have some hope to grow into more. I am certainly testing those doors. For a man on the last edge of a functional heart I am doing wonders. I suppose more will depend on my heart getting better more than it will depend on my will. Though I do wonder if doing more will be a net positive toward healing?

It is still frustrating to have a goal and miss it. It is still hard to work through exhaustion. This, unless my health changes, at least from time to time, is going to be... impossible. If I could have been doing more I would have been doing more. I am not lazy, disinterested, or incapable in a theoretical manner. I was staying hidden, a bit, because of the notorious nature of my disproven diagnosis. Without another diagnosis to counter the argument that I was insane, I had no way to deal with questions regarding my doubts. Patience, that and humility. Until I get better I will have to hold onto those attributes like a kid in the big people pool holds onto a flotation device. I feel like asking the doctors, like a kid asking his parents... are we there yet? Will we ever get there? Where is "there"?

Final analysis? I am doing as good as I can, for now. I can sleep well, raise my chin, and keep trying. Good night.

Ah, there's my face.

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There is nothing like trying to drink, or eat, without a lower jaw. Feeling was returning, and I finally thought a bite to eat would be absolutely splendid! While I had, mostly, handled my thirst, my hunger was beginning to get out of hand. I had just put the remaining baked potato into the microwave and was preparing for the third duck quarter, the duck gravy, and such, and my phone rings. Where are you? I thought about saying, "Here.", and it would have been a fair and true answer. I bit my tongue and figured out to whom I was thinking of being lippy and why they had called. Ah, the other gentleman the first gentleman I spoke with regarding the Knights of Columbus had referred. And, he was in town, looking for my home. I suggested he look for a home with the curtains open. Being night, there wouldn't be many. As I said, I did this for a reason. Ah, there you are. *click*

The paperwork has been handled, and there were some questions. Among them, what did I want to do. Well, abortion is a major issue with me. So, perhaps drumming up funds to help women to not commit abortion would be a thing, prayer vigils and joining with other groups. Hmm, oh, and being there for the Church, as an "usher", helping with snow removal, or whatever else. Honestly, I couldn't truly say because I truly don't know. I am a practical man, mind you. I might have serious flights of fancy, and it is a part of who I am, but most of that doesn't work so I like to stick to simple, and real, and if anything beyond that I am willing to build a little bit on top of the past. Wealth, success, fleshing out truth, and even finding and keeping a woman... these things are all in the margins, not flash bangs, sprints, or such (if keeping a few of those latter devices on hand for dubious moments might not be bad either).

So, it seems, I am in charge of setting up an occasional men's breakfast at Church. A time and place for men to get together and... talk? be social? learn? teach? Dunno, I'll figure it out on the way. It's my baby. I need to begin working out the details with Father, then begin bringing some of the other men in on it as the project comes together. Friday is my next planned visit to Church. Being that I am somewhat awful at being early I may call in tomorrow and arrange a more specific time to visit with Father, ahead of time. Super, I had hoped to be given a talent with the hope to turn it into something more. Here is a real world chance. And a perfect chance to get to know some of the other men. To lead and to follow, organize, and learn. Yeah, I can do that.

Oh, I also called my friend. He had called earlier in the day, but at a time when I couldn't quite talk. Both due to Novocain or whatever dentists inject now and being on the highway. He had a bit of news and some questions. He said his sister had... mentioned something about him having long hair. He wanted to know if we could stop at his barber on Friday. I said sure. I told him that I was planning on getting to my barber Monday, it is $10 per, as well. He asked if I could try and get him in when I went. Sure enough. After hanging up with him, I called to see if I could add an appointment for two. Certainly, was the answer. I then called and confirmed Monday with my friend. So, I am bringing my barber more work. Oh, never worry. When I get the cheaper cut day, when it is possible, I just tip her a bit more. Yeah, she IS that good. Even my mother noted her skills. Now that I am doing better, I ought to get her out doing something with me. A hike, a drive, something. She isn't interested in becoming a mommy, and I won't trick her into it either. Trust me on this, it isn't that difficult, it just isn't very successful. Still, I like her. And a funny girl is always fun to know. Whatever!

I am jabbering away. Time to get some things arranged and start closing up shop in preparation for sleep. You know, even with my ups and downs, moments of exhaustion, and failures, life is turning out really well. I have a lot on my plate, more than ever before. More than I could have arranged to even GET on my plate before. Not as difficult as engineering school, just much more scattered, involving more people and places, and at home too. All of it, for the most part, short term and mild though. Let me work through these things, then... as opportunity allows... add more mid-term, then longer term items. Even if I can't quite ever hold down a 9:00 to 17:00, I might well make it to a 20-30 hour light "work week". Food prep for the hungry, visiting those in need of company, odds and ends at Church, a bible study for men folk and one a bit more mixed sex, little bits and pieces. OH, I KNOW WHAT I WANT TO START! A local singles club. No disco balls, animal furs, or crazy stuff (mostly), just a place to gather and... stuff. I will need to see if there is a Christian group for that or not. :) Still jabbering.

Good night. Sleep well.

Dentists...

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Good news and bad news. The good news is I don't have to go back, save for when a normal check-up or cleaning is due. I had thought I would have to make two trips this month. As well, very little was actually needed even then. No fillings or such. Don't let a dentist fib to you, your teeth can heal. I have come back from a tooth nearly needing a cavity before, it looks like I have done so again. Several teeth have improved, actually. There was definitely some work needed. But with brushing faithfully for the last two weeks, much less than was thought. They had me scheduled for two hour and a half sessions. I don't think I ended up with a full hour of work. I heal fast, by the way. Oh, right, the bad news. I can't feel my lower teeth or jaw even yet. Or my tongue, I am so thirsty but drinking is just asking for it. I may look for a straw... Make that two straws. *slurp* I really was thirsty, 24 ounces of Gatorade in about 27.325976 seconds, and I was typing too!

I didn't make it there in time for Mass. Some days I simply won't be able to get going fast enough. I still tried. I pushed as hard as I could. I moved things along as fast as possible. I missed Church by about 17 minutes. Maybe next time. You know me. I am prone to fail and incapable of giving up, and yet rather reasonable about it all, save when I am pouting about it. Hush, I have seen you in the pouting room before!

It looks like the paperwork will go forward so that I may enter the Knights of Columbus tonight. With that done, all that remains is the ceremony Saturday after Mass. All good, and timely. You have to love that.

I may be getting in over my head. But then, what does failure mean? It means I wait till next time. I am definitely tripping up the last few days, to week. We knew that could, would, happen. Oh, but taking the supplements today saw me to... doing what the water pills are supposed to make me do, in spades. If I miss those I think it can be detrimental. Perhaps putting those back in the pill feedbag will help. Dunno. But I am not quitting. It's... just getting exciting!

Later.

Another rough morning.

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I had plenty of sleep this time. I can't tell what the problem might be. I realized I hadn't been adding the magnesium, B complex, or zinc. I doubt if that would be it though. Still, I have added them back to my pillbox, including calcium. As before, I only take these three days a week.

All I really have time to do is my routine and feeding the cats, being up this late. Then again, there isn't much I was planning on doing this morning, if I remember rightly. A few calls, perhaps, which I later realized was not a reasonable idea. Anyone I would want to call would be at work. With the V.A., it might be better to ask in person.

I don't mind sleeping in once in a while, even if inconvenient. What I fear is falling back into extreme exhaustion. I don't know how much medicines actually help, how much simply knowing my problems are physical so there is a way around it, or what else might be assisting. Sadly, I don't know how much to trust the doctors. They ignore or fail me when given a chance to help or advise. I would suggest we have just had some bad luck, but I seem to only, for the last two and a half decades, have bad luck with them. Uhrm, there is a pattern developing.

Some days.

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I didn't call the V.A. I had a small window of time to call them and something came up. I thought about calling some of the other numbers but found myself befuddled. While she had written numbers she hadn't written which was for which. The only one that I was sure about was an email to the Knights of Columbus leader. I did send him an email. While I am at the V.A. tomorrow, If I can speak after an extended dental visit, I will find out who might be able to begin a review process. What I need to do to get that going. Perhaps even schedule a hearing or review or whatever.

Today has been a rough one. Nothing I did was terribly difficult. I am simply struggling to keep my eyes open and have been the whole day. That hasn't helped with making phone calls. Especially when I am not sure why I am talking to whomever might answer, for certain, should I call. I'll get to it, soon. I wanted to sleep so badly at around 16:00 it almost hurt. I did a few things to try and rouse myself. I am at the end of the line though, but made it to nearly 21:00. That freshly made bed is sounding better all the time.

I think I am going to begin adding the powerball, hand strengthener, into my routine. I don't think I will do it every day, possibly just three days a week. I used the easier one first, to see if I could still do it. I was able to use it in each hand while watching and listening to "About to Happen" per hand. I took a break while listening to "Careless Love". Then used the more potent device while listening and watching "Into a Swan", again, per hand. I was surprised, after not using them for about a year, that I was able to do over six minutes of exercises with the devices in each hand. Anyway, that is what I did to revive myself when I was about to nod off.

Now for dishes, my night routine, then bed. I certainly hope tomorrow is better. I mostly just have travels, perhaps with a few phone calls when I return. Oh, I did find several Churches in the area, with a noon mass. I picked one and added it to my contacts which means my phone can direct me to it if I wanted to get all techy. I think I'll just look at the map, look at the address, and go. I suppose this will make my three times a week quota but it doesn't cover the Sabbath. All good, I missed the third Mass last week. If possible, whenever I am in town from now on, I will make Mass. Just not the same Church each time. It's not fair to pick on just one Church!

Good night. I hope you got some of what you wanted to do completed. Sleep well.

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That was fast. I received an email back from the leader of the Knights. It said to call, so I did. It seems I am fortunate. I seem to qualify and they are having a ceremony this Saturday after Mass for new recruits. Usually I would have to drive some great distance, to wherever the next ceremony might be... and have to wait until they were having it. Either the man I contacted, or another, will be contacting me to get together and fill out the form tomorrow or the day after. There is a monthly meeting, volunteer positions for things from time to time, and activities whenever they are needed or wanted. It won't be a great deal of opportunity. Then again I don't think I am ready for heavy duty tri-weekly events on a heavy schedule, either. I will need to ease these things in. Especially time sensitive things. More, it will be a chance to get to meet some of the locals. And, it's odd this way, but men sometimes know women. Hey, just... thinking.

What next?

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Yeah, yeah, I got the windows, and the letter and check out. All good. I even made my bed, finally, while I was getting redressed for daily daily, out of Church wear. Since I couldn't remember if I had done my daily exercises, I did those too. Better safe than sorry and I do mean to do those. But today is murder. Everything I do is taking a huge tole. No worries, some days are like this, some are easy. I don't really care which it is, or even if I get everything done that I planned. As long as I do my best, get some majority of what I had planned (or take care of what seemed like a small easy problem but turns into a monster). There, for me, really, now, truly is tomorrow. But I have things planned for tomorrow so I don't want to miss today. Just... it is there, I do believe I will get on it as soon as possible.

I think the only thing I can do right away is call the V.A. and begin figuring out how to negate the bad mark they put on my file. I have heard back from the man at the conceal carry forum, he has contacted the president of the organization who sits on some important committees regarding this. I am waiting to know more about the V.A. and this state civilian group of organizations before doing a full court political and NRA press on this matter. Something about the least force clause of dealing with situations.

The rest of the calls I will make a bit later in the afternoon. I must assume the men I will be dealing with go to work. As such, they won't be available until later in the day. This also means calls have to be earlier. Trying to avoid supper is tricky too, though I sort of go by the 'call after 16:00 but before 17:00, then not from 17:00 until 19:00, but no later than 21:00 (4:00-5:00, not from 5:00 to 7:00, and from 7:00 to no later to 9:00 (all pm)). Yeah, sort of technical, and given today's world, it might be all wrong. But it is what I have. All that to try and volunteer for some things? Yeah, well, okay. I thought about it though. Without even realizing it, I am already visiting the sick, helping the elderly and infirm, and doing home visits. I just see it as visiting my friend though. It is both, I just never quite, completely, saw it that way.

Well, in spite of falling back to sleep I have certainly gotten most of what I wanted done. Sure I forgot to vacuum the auto, no I didn't do everything as planned, yes I had to push, and shove, and jiggle the world, myself, and my schedule. Of course I am having to stave off exhaustion to get to things. No matter. I am doing it.

Nothing tomorrow. I have a dentist appointment in the afternoon. Thankfully no early driving. I have plenty of time to be up, do my tinkering, have a bit of food, shower, groom and dress, and be there like I knew what I was doing. I am going to look around online today, whenever, and try to find a Church which has a Mass in SLC tomorrow. It would probably be at noon, so I might end up there early. If I think I can make it from Church to the dentist on time. It is sort of fun to visit other Churches, in and out of my faith. But for tomorrow, within.

Later.

That was tight.

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I just couldn't get going fast enough. I really didn't get a fair shake at my wake up procedures but sort of kept on it. I had to move quickly to get the windows washed before leaving for Mass. I did do the windows, just not the top parts, the area that slides up into the door. Which is fine, I will be doing those shortly before putting her in the garage. It is better this way, anyway. I leave my windows cracked open just a bit when in the garage, this will give the windows time to dry. I then made it to town for tooth paste. I forgot all about vacuuming though. Oh well, it will happen. It is on the list.

I also didn't get the letter sent out. I'll get that ready and put it in the mail while checking the mail. I haven't been able to sort out who to call first. Worse, I can expect several people to potentially be calling back all at once. I hate that part of having so much going on all at once. I suppose, if I am going to try to lead a life from here on in, I ought to get used to it. Nobody said being an awake, aware, functioning adult was always fun and games. Hmm, maybe I just thought they said it? Assumed? I certainly remember, as a child, believing that when I grew up it would all be perfect and that I would know exactly what to do. Adults probably tried to warn me but there is no stopping hope!

Drats, didn't make my bed either. I was really cutting it short. I'll do that before getting the letter out. Good day.

Up on time, then what happened?

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I heard the alarm, finally, somewhere in the morning nether between my bed, the clock, 7:00 and 8:00, I slipped the covers and balleted the floor, turned off the alarm, and... went for my glasses on the far side of the bed? Something like that. And, while I reached for my glasses... *Bam* The sleep monster attacked from behind, with a pillow. Lights out. Well, that is my guess. I even went to bed at a reasonable hour, if it seemed to take all night to finally reach unconsciousness velocity. Never mind, I think I woke at nearly the speed of light and am ready to go. My lady friend's call woke me. How embarrassing. She asked if I was still asleep. Yes, of course. But I thanked her for waking me, this is the latest, or nearly, that I have slept in for two weeks. It is the only time the alarm didn't actually wake me when I got out of bed for it. Not much of a record, but it is what I have.

I think there is still time to get that check she was calling about ready to go so I can just drop it on the way to Mass. And I think I still have time to clean some vehicle windows and do a bit of straightening in prep for vacuuming. I have brushed, weighed in, taken all meds but potassium, and washed the roaster. It just would not come clean last night when I was washing the rest of the dishes, so I soaked it actually with full intentions of cleaning it this morning. All dishes done, all food was put up, and all actually within an hour of the meal, sum total, save the roaster. Never mind, I have today before me.

Just a few light things to do, but many calls to make. Some of them are going to be uncomfortable. I am neither a bad man nor an insane man, but I have done some questionable things and I will have to explain. Nothing really bad, but possibly suspect. When people look at your life, review it in an objective but uninformed manner, under a microscope, trust me, almost everybody will have things that at least look bad in the "books". If that doesn't make you sweat being judged by Christ you are probably a simpleton. Then again, with Christ, I won't need to explain the stuff that really wasn't my doing. But I do have to explain things that will mean nothing to my worldly judges. With the current crop of judges, I might have something to explain regarding having a cousin attempt to get me committed (if it did fail at least) so he could have my apartment for R&R for a few days to a week. So he could enjoy himself without me expecting him to clean his room, be to work and on time, and help with cleaning the rest of the apartment... along with my other rules. Don't drink out of the milk jug! God knows I didn't deserve that. Now, my methods are sometimes over the top, but safe if it might not seem so to sheep. I am a bit of a go-getter and if I see that harder methods are needed I will use them.

Anyway, I need to get going. I have much to do and little time. Race?

Be well, do well, and never quit. To be honest, I don't think we get to quit when we die. Those in hell have quit, those in purgatory considered it but now have to continue working harder than ever, and those in heaven, to my mind, have tasks that await. If we are truly children of God, as I contend, then we will grow up into what God intended. I am pretty sure it has nothing to do with 72 virgins, alcohol, and sloth. Further, when our souls are purified, and more when our bodies are refreshed into perfected flesh, we will then be living again but as Adam and Eve where intended to live. So, don't quit now, you have an eternity of work before you. Albeit, in perfected flesh, you will not age, work will not hurt, and food will not be a consideration as it will just be there. The same with the need for housing. It is, I would guess, the only form of King based socialism that will ever work. How will it work? I have no idea other than God said this is how it will be and I believe Him.

"Doh! Shut up and get to work"! "Okay." Later.

Duck.

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I had a few dishes to do up first, just to clear the sinks. No, I mean just a small and large bowl, three spoons, and a glass I think. See, I've been keeping up. Those were from today. Anywhile, I did get that done, then washed the roaster. The duck had brined for more than an hour, as I was dealing with the little technicalities of starting with a barebones kitchen and cleaning out the roaster for it's first use, then cleaning off a number of potatoes for baking. In she went, without so much as a quack. Thankfully. I don't deal with the undead, should there ever be such a thing, very well. I'm with Bane on that.

It all came out well, went down better, and what remains is now cooling to be refrigerated within the hour. I need a little time to sort through my "feelings" about eating the poor beast before I put it up for future reflections. :) I used to leave food out... well, sometimes until it went bad. A meal, rare as they were, pretty much ended my capacity to function for sometimes large periods of time. Now, in my new improved Doom(tm) motif, I am able to keep it going... after a little time out. I also bought a pork roast, so that I might have my friend for dinner Friday after Mass, and perhaps after shooting. He deserves a home cooked meal from time to time. Unfortunately for him, he doesn't like leg of lamb or duck. If beggars are choosers, tough. Still, he wouldn't want to eat my food too often anyway. I know that is part of it. Thinking ahead, I decided to call him and let him know so he will be set for dinner. I will make mashed potatoes, and of course gravy, along with it. He likes to skip the veggies, just like me, so... skipped they are. Oh, and the cats wanted in earlier than I had hoped so I had to hide the food away early. That's fine, I'll do the dishes in an hour then. They are soaking, went in while I was cooking, what I no longer needed. What fit...

I joined the conceal carry group for here in Utah. I put up what had happened, more for a bit of sympathy and perhaps some ribbing. Yeah, I can handle that too if it comes my way. Someone, who works with the state on such matters, contacted me and asked for my bona fides, or at least my contact information. Certainly, I said, and sent it. I also advised him that I would be willing to have them look at my files (I don't honestly know what all is in them, apparently the V.A. doesn't share everything with their "clients"). And I suggested I would be quite willing to go in for an exam, be checked out, and do whatever is necessary to try and resolve this. I had meant to call the V.A. today but the day got away from me. They also suggested calling congress critters and the NRA. Good call. But, now, I just got some information last Friday about what to do, I have a bad heart, I am doing as much as I can, while still trying to maintain my little life as well. At least it looks like there might be a civilian review panel separate from the V.A. and the FBI. It is here, and maybe with a psych eval, where character references might come in handy.

Dang nabbit, I'm not going to just not try. I won't say I am a nice guy, but I am a good man. Nice guys, by the way, don't go armed and don't protect themselves or others. I do, however, avoid trouble. And I don't stick my nose where it obviously doesn't belong. Never mind. Just so you know, I will do all in my power to fix this with the V.A., the FBI, and the state of Utah. If I can clear it all, I will. If I can only clear it with Utah, that is good enough. If I can't clear any of it, I just have to deal with it. But put forth effort I will.

Oh, I certainly pick the biggest damned Goliaths out there, though, don't I? I don't even have a proverbial sling and stone! All my friends are in low places too! (Yes, you. Ha!) All this while I am doing good to just make my bed (almost every day though, for the last two weeks and change). I even changed the bedding today before making the bed, and turned the mattress to boot. I am excited though. Nothing like dancing in the middle of the road in front of a speeding Mack truck in my favorite loin cloth. :)

Tomorrow? Ah, right. The windows in the Xterra, and some neatening. Then to Mass, and on in to town to buy some normal tooth paste (the whitening stuff is supposed to only be used short term). Then home. I need to call two fellow congregants regarding some issues. If I haven't heard by message, email, or phone, I will try to call the gentleman who contacted me through the carry site. I need to call the V.A. to learn more about an appeal. And somewhere in there I need to send my lady friend a check. I think I will send her the whole amount and just fiscally limp by this month. Then it is done. I'm not going to tell her though, let her smile when she sees the whole gift. :) I'm such a sucker for poor orphan waifs. And pretty women. Worse when they are all the above!

Oh, right, on to chilling so I can try to sleep earlier tonight. What a day, life. But it's mine, and I like it. Good night.

I did get up.

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The rest of the morning was pretty much a wash. I had too little sleep. It was a tough haul to make it to Mass. I did make it, if not early. I did, after Mass, turn in the sheet and received some phone numbers regarding some issues, such as joining the Knights of Columbus. For sure, today, the new form of the Mass has begun, at my Church anyway. There are a few new words, phrases. They seem off but probably not as off to me as to those who knew the old words by heart.

I then called my friend. Shooting seemed to be the activity de jour. We, again, ate before we headed out to shoot. He planned to shop tomorrow with his sister, so I did my own shopping alone after returning him to his apartment. I forgot regular tooth paste. I did pick up the roaster from the post office. With the duck thawed, I am now brining it for an hour to be roasted shortly after. One of the things I purchased was a jug of sauerkraut. That goes wonderfully with duck. Since the duck came with giblets, I will dice those and put them in with the sauerkraut, stuffing the mix into the duck. Yum!

I didn't wash the interior of the Xterra. I simply didn't have enough steam this morning and I have been at Mass and then on to my friend's place since. On my way to the grocery store I filled the tank and washed the outside. Tomorrow morning, I hope, I will get to the interior before Mass. From the looks of things, just a bit of tidying in the back bench, vacuuming the floors, and a ammonia cleaning of the windows and mirrors should see my conscience clear for now. I can hit the windows and neatening before Mass, I think, then run into town and vacuum what is needed. I am losing track of what all has been done and needs to be done. Today was rough though. I need more sleep but I really want to get up at 7:00. I will simply have to figure out how to sleep earlier. Perhaps I should knock the furnace down a few degrees more and do that a bit earlier than what I have been doing.

I have no real idea what I am doing. Of course, I know what I am trying to do. I simply don't know if there is a practical means to those ends. I truly live by faith, with hope. I must suffer charity, as well. Then again, at least I am allowed to offer some small amounts of charity too. This simply isn't the life I had ever hoped for. Until getting my act more together, and further joining the Church, I didn't see a future. I couldn't have planned for something I didn't think would happen. At least I have enough elbow room to dig down and begin developing what could be. So tired, today, often. While I can work through it recently, it is always there. Exhaustion, another form of death. A slow means to a certain end. I just had to scrub the days negs.

Later.

Morning grins.

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I keep thinking back to a point in time. Two women, relatively attractive, friends of mine, and myself, were together at a gathering. These two women are a generation apart, but close for various reasons. In the group was an unattractive women. Unattractive in all ways, physically, truly. A nice enough woman, and a good wife to her husband on all accounts that I have. The two women, initially, made it clear that they were the top dogs. Fine, exert your influence, show your status. Not my favored play, but a natural one. I do it at times when among men, we seem to just fall into it. But then they wouldn't stop. They kept on and on, really, making me more than a little hot under the collar and they weren't ALL that. More so, beauty has to be more than looks even if they were absolute dolls. A little grace and humility, even pity or charity or such for the less among us add greatly to beauty.

So, I started flirting with the ugly woman. Oh, just common dalliances, she was married and I am a good man these days. I just ignored or downplayed the more attractive women's words and such. Over and over. Talk about an angry hen house! I didn't care, well, actually I did and that is precisely what I was aiming to get. For some reason, my very minor overtures to the ugly women absolutely steamed my lady friends. And I absolutely ate it up. So did the unattractive woman. The more they tried or said, the more I went in the other direction. Oh, they still hold a grudge for that. I even, at a later date, explained myself. One of them, at least, seemed to understand. Oh, I had tried to politely dissuade them when they started, they were having none of it. Just desserts, I do believe.

There is no point to the story, really. For whatever reason, the tale is just one of my fonder memories and has been percolating in my mind, giving me chortles at various expressions and parts of the conversations as I remember them while I wake. I simply thought to share it. Enjoy it or don't, I'm grinning ear to ear on this side of the monitor. Oh such loverly fun we can have when tending the weak among us.

The mountains with the clouds just high enough and enough sunlight filtering through are exhibited with wonderful relief this morning. A perfect winter day, even if not officially winter. I truly love the various weather patterns and seasons here, save when it is so socked in the mountains aren't visible. I also love living in a place where having my curtains open isn't a danger. I do want a spotting scope. The slopes to my south, being so steep and getting so much snow, would allow me to watch avalanches occasionally. No skiing occurs there, save perhaps for the people who offer to throw their lives away for fun and fear, needing to be delivered via helicopter. Though perhaps these peaks are even beyond that.

I just thought to look it up. I either never knew or forgot that winter doesn't officially start until late December, around the 21st or 22nd day of the month, depending on the year. I suppose I don't care what history or tradition is on this one account. As soon as snow begins to stick, or when it drops to the point where a coat is a necessity, I call it winter. Both are being flirted with by my environment, so... it's winter!

Before the alarm.

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I love beating that stupid beeping in the morning. Now, I quit with the 6:00 nonsense and went with the more, for now, sensible 7:00 wake up, but even that is new. Until three days ago, 8:00 was the theoretical wake up time, at least that is when the alarm went off. Wanting to shake things up since I was failing to wake until 9:00 to 10:00, I set the alarm earlier. When I tried, yesterday, if with too little sleep, to jack the alarm back another hour, pure failure. Then again I didn't get to bed until 1:30 last night. All this chatter about an alarm clock setting? Well, yes. But more, it shows, again, that when I am better, I can actually reverse an ailing sleeping pattern. Something I have never been able to do before these medicines. It used to be a horror, similar to people who wet the bed, sleep walked, have epilepsy. Being able to move my interior clock in the reverse direction is like a stutterer making it through a full sentence without stuttering after months or years of having the problem. Does it mean I am fixed? Only the future will tell.

Some of my morning stuff knocked out. But now to blogs and news. The one wonderful thing about being up a bit earlier, and why my goal is 6:00, maybe even 5:00, is that I get a head start on the world. I need a head start because it takes me sooo long to wake up and get going far too often. I actually don't mind being up well before dawn. That sort of feeds my need, or the reality of, being a bit of a night owl. But too, I get to watch the sun come up, I get to feel as the earth warms that way. New things for me.

I have noticed something. As I am in the process of connecting with the Church, getting back in there, and doing my thing there, celibacy has become far easier. I have no idea why, not in simple words I could convey. Further, it sort of crept up on me. I didn't think going would help in this affair at all, I made no contingency, had not intent other than my normal intent. I can say it is a spiritual thing. I have sinned in these ways once since returning, early on in the return, and that was a true sin as I was being specifically... lustful, willful, forcing it. Sometimes when I sin in these matters, it is just a hunger, out of control, while I am half asleep or otherwise too weak to resist. This recent time it was me being specifically sinful. Since that time, maybe two weeks ago, I maintained control quite well. How odd. Now if I could just learn to not get angry. In traffic, at inappropriate times for inappropriate things, and learn to handle my anger more properly when I do have it rightly. Not that I am a basket case, but I can become flip, terse, or slightly unfair... petty, about my anger. Oh, I will never be sinless, but if I can reduce my sins I will be quite pleased to do so. Am I suggesting becoming a sheep? No, though there is that. I am thinking more of becoming less feral. Are those the same? Not quite, but I think that both are in the same direction. It is time. I am not in the wilderness anymore. I am home in more ways than I have ever known before.

Wee! I am up before the sun, can wake and think, write and read, and still get to my daily tasks in time to not be rushed! Oh I love days like these. I hope to make every day a day just like this. I think I found the proper speed for weekends too. It will take some time getting used to it. I didn't just quit but then I didn't bust into sprints every time I wanted to do something. Low, slow, and even. As I get better at it I would like incorporate that into even my weekly affairs, more so as I tire. The Lord knows I am doing everything I can to rise, to improve in all ways, and to... do? Yes, to do what is needed, to do what is wanted, to do it right and to do it on time. My prayers have been full of joy lately, offering my successes instead of failures as sacrifices to God. And it is very good.

On to reading. Have a wonderful day.

Oh, right.

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Tomorrow, what to do. Mass at noon. But I am hoping to get up and out early. I would like to begin working on the Xterra. She needs cleaned and sorted out. I would then like to pick up the roaster. Mass and then visiting my friend seems to be next. Perhaps a bit of shooting and a stop at the store, I still need milk. I also need to get a check out to my lady friend and try to contact my friend from school. Oh, I need to take my card in to Church, so I will need to be there a little early, for office hours. I would also like to ask a few questions about my chosen roles, and a few I haven't signed for but am considering. I believe that will be enough, along with my routine.

Tuesday I will finish the Xterra if I didn't do it all Monday. I would like to go to Mass again, and early again. This time I would like to learn how the ushers do their work, or whatever the Church calls them. I hope to learn more about what particular people do, the little things, so that I might be better prepared to simply help out. I don't mind being a simple participant, but I want to be ready and able to fill in if needed. A replacement, for now, for many things. Perhaps doing them full time at some future date. Oh, I suppose I will be like a kid brother, tagging along, for a bit. I am sure I will catch on quickly enough though. This isn't rocket science. But there are some things that might be easy to forget, such as genuflecting before the alter, during approaches to it and while leaving the area. Little details can really mess me up.

I have been adding regular water into my drinking line-up. It seems to be working out okay, but it seems to leave me much dryer than my other fluids. How odd? Gatorade, water, milk... perhaps I should add soda or coffee once in a while and a couple of beers several times a week? Yeah. Beer, in moderation, as with wine, is good for the body. Wine, however, can be very intoxicating and is a bit on the expensive side. Just thinking about this.

Well, finally, good night. Sleep well, praise God, live well. Blessings.

How did that happen?

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Perhaps they have, very recently, changed the time for Mass at the other Church. Online, and I thought in the bulletin, the time for Mass was listed at 19:00. I got there in time but it was just letting out. Oh well. I asked a guy if this was an unusual night or usual. He just, with a blank look, simply said church was over and that it started at 18:00. I didn't want to talk to him anymore. Some people seem so dull you just don't want to be near them. He was such a person. No, I don't mind if someone is not intelligent. I require that there be some life in them though. This guy seemed to have nothing. Yeah, yeah, I know. He was a driver too, it wasn't like he had an excuse to be that deadpan. Never mind.

I stopped at the store to buy milk. Cereal, sure. Olives, yep. No milk. Why are they always out of the two brands of milk I buy. They have tons of generic, generic organic, and organic, but none of the two types I buy. They must toss two thirds of their milk selection, of those types they are always absolutely full. No one buys them. You would think they would change their inventory? And we wonder why there are problems. Idiots. It has been that way, at that store, since I moved here. I keep stopping there because I can get other stuff and I might as well check, if that store happens to be the most convenient on my way out. Bah!

Yeah, I suppose, I am a bit grumpy. Why can't the Church and store fix these issues? Ugh. Dumping milk that never sells, and keeping it the majority stock, has to increase the price of the milk people DO buy. You can't say I didn't do everything in my power to be at Mass (or if you do, you are incorrect). But I really hate wasting gas because I was misinformed. Never mind, I'll change it in my calender. Now that Mass looked absolutely packed! I hope the my Church isn't like that. I am not sure I am ready for wall to wall people. Don't touch me! Ackh! The weekday Masses might help me get acclimated before I have to face the wall of people effect. I may avoid Christmas, Easter, and the other big holidays. Or find a quieter place to celebrate, perhaps with monk or nuns if they aren't booked as well.

On my way home I stopped at the post office. I was hoping they had put the roaster in one of the bigger boxes they have set aside for such. They leave a key in your box and you can just grab and go. Either I have to sign for the package or it was too big for the spare boxes they have. Tomorrow. Since checking online and finding that the roaster was in, I started thawing the duck. Yum!

Well, not much done today, and I didn't get up on time for, or even make it to the later, Mass. But I am good with it, I did try. Later or good night.

No shoveling!

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While I was preparing to get going (yes, convoluted and uninspiring but that is all I have to give some days) a local, along with some of his children, visited. Just a social call. Checking to see if I had a place for Thanksgiving, which I do. A bit of talk, something about this or that, and a discussion about shovels. I do have some, but none of them are great for snow to be honest. He told me what he likes. I will check it out shortly. But while he was here, the sun cam out and pretty much took care of the sidewalk and driveway.

I found out about my roaster. The delivery company said they were here Saturday at 8:48 or so. I am pretty sure they are lying. I was not only awake, but I had even opened my curtains a bit. No one stopped here, I am very aware of people coming into my driveway or stopping in front of my house, even when I don't have the curtains opened. No matter, I will pick it up at the post office. It is just that I hate being told a lie. I may file a complaint, as if that will do anything though. Still, they should know their employees lie (even if that is what they are probably told to do, to cut time). You know how things are going, corruption is becoming a bigger and bigger part of how business is done. Thank you socialism!

I did try to call my school friend. No luck, but I left two messages. I will be looking at snow shovels before I get ready for Mass, and might just see if they have one in stock. Hmm, maybe I should look over my shovels again. Perhaps I did buy a better one last winter, but I don't think so. No luck on finding parts online for my weight bench, but I might dig in, again, for a protracted search of my home. I am just sure they have to be somewhere. The bolts I needed, I knew a few of those were lost. But the other parts should be around somewhere.

So many things are happening. I am running out of work I can do, though too. I am down to the slow pain-in-the-butt wait-and-see jobs. I have to time to get on that solar oven, but not the money. I could get on the new coop roof, but the weather isn't cooperating, same with painting. Everything is either delayed by weather, expense, someone else, complicated procedures I am figuring out, or something. Perhaps, turning in the sheet to Church Monday, they will be able to help me do more.

On to it. Have a great day.

Oh well.

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I couldn't get to sleep early, further, I tried to double trick myself. Since setting the alarm for 7:00 yesterday worked so well, I thought I would be extra tricky and set it for 6:00. FAIL. I woke, finally, somewhere in the neighborhood of 10:30. Now, there is a Mass at 19:00 I can still make. It isn't much more distant than my normal Church, either. I had been curious about that Church anyway. I guess this is my chance to go.

It has snowed, and enough to pile up a bit. My goal is to get the machine fired up and begin keeping my areas cleared. I am not sure there is enough snow for the snow blower to really be useful though. I may have to find my shovel and simply use that. I think I can do it. For having a bad heart, being overweight, and being over the hill, I seem to be incredibly fit. I can't race a youngster at shoveling, but in the brute strength areas I might just be able to take him. Weaponized and a bit feral, in spite of my natural gentility, I do have some surprises for those who might think otherwise. Fine, I'll quit the bragging and grab the shovel. :p

Oh, I had best check on my roasting pan. I was sure it would have arrived by now. I have some things I would truly love to roast properly. Garlic to duck to leg o' lamb, in stock, and a few things I am considering buying. Oh, I have nearly a half dozen other ways to roast things. I simply prefer to do things in a specific manner, i.e. the right way. It makes it so much easier to produced a proper gravy, and my mind likes doing it right. My last therapist was absolutely wrong. She tried to get me to believe that there is no "right way". I adamantly disagreed. She is only right that there is more than the right way, and most people use whatever method is at hand, including me far too often. Simply, there is no way to do it the right way in the middle of the hell we sometimes find ourselves confined. But making do is for when you have no choice, not for when you can arrange it rightly. And while it is good to keep an open mind, it is not good to believe alternatives are equal to the right way. Period. I need my durned roaster!

The little bit of working out I have done has really been yielding results. Oh, no, I am not encroaching on the body beautiful bodybuilding crown. I am tightening up, becoming stronger, adding a touch of stamina, and looking just a little bit better. If I could get my printer going, I would try to print out the pictures of my top picks from Catholic singles, and put their pictures in the places I work out. While it might seem crazy, these aren't pin-up girls, more girls next door, they are what I want. One in particular. At 6'2", I would certainly have a fitting partner in her. And more, she fits my psych profile. Now, I like that and fear that last. All business and a go-getter. Why, she might just bowl me over and convince me she was right, it is how I operate! hehehehehehe

Well, I best get ready to do some work. Have a wonderful Sunday, and get to Church, darn it. Or, if that isn't possible, remember the Sabbath, and to keep it holy. I do wonder about shoveling, but I think Christ made it clear that some work must go forth on the Sabbath. If my ass where in a hole, would I work to get it out? Hey, them's are mostly his words so hush it. Snow, when left to the cold, quite quickly can become ice. Bad, very bad. It's my ass we are talking about here, and a hole. Or... something like that. Good day.

Mass.

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I didn't quite get out as early as I had hoped. Time just slips by so fast while I am doing minor research. In this case, looking a little bit more for one of those L-pins. I was there in time for 15 minutes of quiet time. Father was... surprised to see me... again. At least is seemed like a pleasant surprise. I am sure he has heard of me before. What he has heard came from a time before the correct diagnosis and treatment was being applied. It has been three weeks, starting midweek, since I started going back to Church, after making it to Reconciliation on a Saturday, iirc. I have been to Mass seven or eight times now. I still have no real idea what I am doing. I am trying to figure out the hymnal guide, and getting better at it too. I will be a mumbler for a good year, for all I know. On top of it, they are changing some things. I haven't looked that up yet. It is on the list. I have heard there is something in with the hymnals, a cheat sheet, but I haven't found it. The change is either just happening or about to happen. Ugh! But, there it is.

There was a form to fill out, tonight, regarding needs of the Church. Jobs for people to do for Mass, lay preaching, and such. I am going to fill it out and take it in the next time I go to weekday Mass, Monday most likely. I will, again, apply for prison work and perhaps a few other items. Visiting shut-ins, the Knights of Columbus, and offering to train to fill in if there is an illness among ushers, readers, and such. I can do almost anything, so long as I am given enough notice and shown what to do. My problem is gas money. This month I am short due to unintended consequences. I am, well, usually short. Buying a home and an auto is difficult. I honestly don't understand how the average working man makes it, considering my "income" is generally considered average. I have a tough time, without a family, without having to drive to work every day, without lots of normal expenses like clothes (since I wear proper clothes rarely, sticking to pj's and such).

Still, I have decided what to get myself for Christmas! What do you get a guy who has all he needs but only wants a bunch of other things too? Ah, more expense? Yeah. My gift to myself is to begin an automatic payment to the Church. I would like, eventually, to get my life in enough order that I can bring my pledge in every Saturday or better Sunday. But right now I just can't be sure that would happen. So, an automatic payment will have to do. I will have to look over my finances, see how much I actually have clean each month, and give a portion of that. It will be humble, it will hurt, but... what are gifts for otherwise! *grins* Bah, it still won't be so grand as the widow's mites.

That is that. Oh, I should call my lady friend and let her know what is up and give her those numbers. That should give her some freedom, for now, for that which haunts her. While I don't sympathize, at all. I do. No, I am not a sucker. I know the score. I may not be Christ but I certainly see some small part of what He saw... and why He chose to give Himself. He gave well beyond my little gift, for sure. She is more alone than any human I ever met, I thought I was in a bad way... before I met her. And, I do love her. Like a sister, mind you, now. To the best of my ability. Never you mind. Just understand this isn't me being tricked or such, or infatuation. It is so one lonely alone woman can rest her uncertain weary head for a few moments until she can get on a better path.

Well, enough of the fluff. Later, or perhaps good night. I have to be up, and moving, early tomorrow! Ugh-a-wugga!

Oh, I'm right on it.

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A shower, for sure. I just got that taken so that time doesn't slip my grasp again. I have also been looking for an "L" connector, something like this. They don't have the specs on it, the length, diameter, and more details about the (I think) ball bearing(s) near the end. My L-pin has a ball bearing on both sides with a spring between them. I have been looking for days for just the right thing to order. I looked at my bench for a name or number. The only thing I could find was that the bench pad was constructed for Weslo Inc, which lead me to the site I am looking at (so far). The company doesn't seem to make benches anymore, but parts for their benches might still be available. I also keep looking around my home. I know those parts were put in a plastic zip-shut bag and I thought they went in with my tools. Then again, I might have pulled them out hoping to get the bench together when my mother was here and then forgot. What she might have done with them is anyone's guess. Further, I might have put the parts somewhere else, at random, myself.

Anyway, I should be ready for Mass today. After an half hour of drying off, I will find Sunday-go-to-meeting attire and complete the process. Being dressed and ready, all I will need to do is jump in the buggy and sing with the whip. A quarter after the hour out of the gate will see me with somewhere between an half and quarter hour to repose before Mass begins. And choose a proper seat. I have to go in tomorrow as well. I might be able to do it, too, after this morning with the alarm clock. It is a bit rough getting up earlier than usual. But I did do it. Now to see if I can not just get out of bed, but jump out of bed, get showered, groomed, and dressed, and on time to be to church. I don't mind if I am just pulling in on time, not for Sundays. The hope is to be a bit early but I won't fuss too much if I am just on time for a 10:00 Service.

So many things going on! The FBI, V.A., a potential lawsuit, Google, several friends to try and do things with or for, and of course keeping up and trying to gain even more ground in my home and vehicle while juggling daily duty lists and a routine. Sometimes I have to give my paranoia some serious thought. Then laugh because it doesn't really matter. I never did take it too seriously, even if it happened to be true. I didn't make it this far hiding in closets and creeping around because someone might be 'out to get me', even when they were! I have things to do and the government and everyone else has to do their part. I might not have much power, but together with my humble friends, the constitution, and a few other resources, I am suspecting I might be able to create change, if just for me, for now. And, well, it does make quite a tale, especially woven with the rest of it. It will be something to tell my grandkids. And, yeah, I am working on that, too! Oh, baby, you knowwww what I like!

Never... mind...

The sun is out. The power of the force of nature is clearly visible with the driven clouds whirling magically over the broken peaks in the distance. The anger of the wind and air apparent in the shades of dark gray clouds and the speed and tumultuous design of the movement of the clouds, but the seeming mercifulness of the white tufts and the shining sun also holds. It is a wonderful day to be so close to the wonders of weather near large parts of risen earth.

Later.

I didn't put up anything for Veterans Day.

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Given what I am going through with the V.A. and the FBI regarding seeking psychological help regarding events in the service and a few rough edges before and after, I didn't have the groove for it this year. After thinking about it, though, I have decided to plaster up a comment on all blogs which did put something up. I had thought to put up a single standard comment, but it morphed through time. This is what I have to say about honoring veterans:

Rather than honoring us, how about making it so the V.A. can’t secretly (without our knowledge) claim veterans who have sought psychological help for our actions in the service as mentally deficient, filing that claim with the FBI, and giving us no sure course to appeal either through the V.A. or through the FBI?

Do that and I am good. I don't need sympathy, help, money, or anything else more than what I get. Just protect my rights as I worked to protect yours. At least give me a fair chance at keeping them or regaining them.

It probably won't help. But I do feel better. And, now, I have put up something. And it isn't all fluff. I'm just not a... fluffy kinda guy? Yeah, that's it.

Snowing.

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Off and on it is, and raining too. I thought we were going to get it big, deep snow, from the looks of things. Maybe not. I was not quite ready to do a lot of lifting or cold wet work. I decided to find out how to appeal my competency. To be honest, it doesn't look like there is a way. I can appeal to the FBI, but they will probably decline based on V.A. records. I can first appeal to the V.A. for a competency hearing or some such. Even if that is cleared, that will not unlock the FBI. Once the V.A. has sent the paperwork, there may be no way to appeal these decisions. It seems the V.A., in 1999, either decided, or was forced, to send almost 90,000 veteran files to the FBI. Since then they have filed quarterly reports adding names to the banned list. Anyone with a mental diagnosis (including 90% of recent combat veterans returning home) have been banned from buying guns. I keep looking for a way out, it seems, so far, that there isn't a way out.

And yet, I will continue to work at it. Being that the FBI wouldn't release me, in any case, without the V.A. finding me competent, I have to start with getting a V.A. hearing. This might effect my rating, but so be it. I cannot go around being considered incompetent when I clearly am not, if nothing else. Not only did I make it half way through engineering school even with a fifth of a functioning heart, figure out how to moved clear across the country, moving to better digs as they became available, find and buy a home, and manage my own income, I have had firearms for most of my adult life already. I haven't had difficulties with the law, my neighbors, society in general. I have a good relationship with family and friends. I am merely limited by a bad ticker. I will place a few calls Monday. Ugh but this is going to be a pain. Never mind. I will keep looking, when I have a few moments, for success stories and how they did it, or at least what to do and how to do it from those who have advice to offer.

Here are a few links to what I have found so far; here; here; and maybe something here. To be honest, there is very little out on the web. Most of it is complaints. None of it, so far, has been all that useful. It isn't just me, it isn't isolated, and it seems to leave veterans defenseless against slander and poor diagnosis. The V.A. needs to be hammered for this. Perhaps if a seechange occurs this next election, this will be tended. Unfortunately, it is of a very low priority considering the mess we are in.

Oh my word!

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The alarm was going off "all morning" this morning. I simply could not rise. Disappointed yet unprepared to do a thing about it, I slept right through it until I could finally wake up, get up, and turn the thing off. I was curious, if furious, about the time. Were my eyes playing tricks, was it really 8:06 or something? How could that possibly be. No matter that I just set that clock, I figured I had best... check other clocks, and maybe my cell phone too. Yep, it was just slightly after 8:00. Oh, right! I set the alarm for 7:00 to give myself a better chance at rising by 8:00. Tricky devil, that Doom is. He can even fool himself! What do I care, it worked.

I brushed first thing, then set up my potassium drink but decided to weigh in first. Just yesterday I gained five pounds, today I have lost six or seven or more like eight pounds? Yep, eight I think. It simply doesn't make sense. Actually, I drank and ate a lot more yesterday than the day before. Then again, that might have been what helped me get rid of stuff. All I am saying is my weight gain and loss seems to be extremely disconnected with anything I do, definitely on a day-to-day basis. If, somehow, the cause and effect is a few days to a week offset then maybe doctors know what they are talking about. Right now I am of the opinion, that at least regarding me, other than a very heavy hit or miss on medicines, they honestly have no idea what they are talking about. No salt? No sugar? No this, all of that, too much of these? How about no oxygen, next, you idiots? You know we are paying them to try drugs some salesman told them would be good for us because a chemist suggested it. THAT IS the basis of their assistance. Their degree means nothing if they spend twelve years learning to spot a diagnosis and no time actually figuring out what causes it or cures it. They just hand that part off to salesman and researchers. Salesman are pitching a product, researchers are pitching a notion which will pay for further research. None gives a damn about the outcome, just the money. My morning grump is at it's conclusion. Thank you for listening, please take your litter with you. The management.

After waking well (enough) and pretty much on time I ripped into a few morning rituals. Nothing fancy, like I said, weighing in, brushing my teeth, taking my meds, firing up the computer, feeding the cats, then sitting here. By the time I sat down to read blogs and news, an half hour had already passed! Now almost an hour has slipped through my fingers. Where in the heck does all that time go and so fast! Never mind, you probably have that happen to you often enough yourself. Time seems to sprint out of my reckoning when I am in a sleepy mode. It is more... functionally metered once I am fully awake. Hurry up, wake! You are leaking time!

It is raining and heavily overcast. In spite of that I have opened my curtains just a bit. It does let more light in. And it feels more... alive in here, even with the clouds. I feel more connected with my world. I set heat up a bit, to help wake up, more so since I am still rather tired. As soon as I feel I can see without extra light, I will turn off the lamp and open the curtains all the way. While in p.j.s, I still don't like the world being able to see into my home more than just a bit. If the rain slacks off, perhaps I can get to my automobile cleaning today. With unsure weather comes uncertainty. I can slog through closets if nothing else.

Oh what a day. I am still trying to figure out weekends. How much to do, how fast to do it. One of my problems, as I see things, is that I can push to do things in a hurry, when I do them. I give all I have. I don't have a middle speed. I need to find that lower gear, for when I have too much time for the work at hand or so I don't drive myself to utter exhaustion on one or two things, and simply because I need more than just stop and "go, go, go"! Never mind how. I think I have... done it before. It is a mindset. I just have to find it again and encourage it? Yeah, something. But slower speeds often leave me more exhausted than high speeds. I will still explore it. Perhaps there is a way. And maybe, as I get on track with exercising more heavily, a greater stamina will allow for a lower gear? I will just have to tinker with it.

All good. But I have some things to do. I don't want to. I am tired. Really tired. And? Hey, get on it! Blessings.

Working on it.

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I or someone else has managed, I think, for now, to get me off the spammer list. I can, again, comment on other people's blogs. I think. For now. However, I still need to change the email address for my blog. I have been digging through forums, looking at forms to fill out, and pretty much simply going in circles. The email address I want to use is considered already used for a Google account. When I try to reset the password for it, of course, I receive an email from Google saying there is no account associated with the email address. There is a link to more information, but that link sends me back to a password reset form which just said I don't have an account. I can't find a link that doesn't lead me right back to that circular dead end. I posted a query on a forum. Hopefully that will yield something, a link, or a person, who can help. Ugh. But UGH!

It's about bed time. Just didn't want you to think I have merely been idling. Good night.

On second thought, I decided to try another email address with my new service provider. It did work. For now, at least, I have an active email address for contact to get things cleared up. Not like they make it easy, or that there is a link to someone specifically for something. But someone must be... aware... in there. Magic boxes, you never can figure them out.

Moving too slow!

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I thought I had it in my grasp, but time slipped away and before I realized it, it was too late for Mass. Hey, it will happen. I am doing what I can. While I continued to sit, time again slipped. My friend called to see if I was awake. Yes, I told him, but with a bad case of turtlitis. I did finally get everything done, checking the mail and giving him a call on my way in. I wanted to eat first, but he knew of a place close by which would carry the bolts I needed. Then a stop for lunch/dinner, as both of us were hungry. I stopped at a sporting goods place but they didn't carry the part I needed. At least I have the nuts, bolts, and such. Then I took my friend shopping. I had to lift him and the chair, as one of the places didn't really have a handicapped incline to get up the the sidewalk. I think I surprised him. His weight and the chair came up like an elevator, or that is how he called it. Boy can I move too. He must feel like he is flying. Oh, but I do try to be careful. Wee! I told him that while I am not 350 horsepower, I hope he enjoyed. He suggested that while I might not be 350 horsepower, I am not far off. :) And he does enjoy it.

It is too late, too dark, to work on the Xterra. I will do, or begin, that tomorrow. Being a weekend I am not going to labor intensively. While I see that I cannot tolerate pure downtime, I do want to be easier and gentler in forcing issues. I need to find a moderate tempo for the weekends. Enough work to break a sweat, not enough to truly burn much energy. Mass will need to be had Saturday and Sunday this week, to make up for missing today. As I said, three times a week is my goal and I mean to keep it. Ugh, 10:00 though? Yep, up, showered, groomed, dressed, with my routine done, and in time to drive, so that means a real 8:00 wakeup so I have a bit of time to maybe eat and actually pull myself together before anything else. That'll learn me! Then again, I did want to go to Mass on Sunday at least a few times a month, more if I can as I see it as more official. All good.

I looked over my Catholic Singles files. Far too many 44 year old women, or older, are interested. That can't happen. I am thinking of changing my profile a bit. I would rather have zero "hits" than a bunch that won't work. Having children is key to any type of relationship. I keep looking over other profiles. To be honest, if the woman is from a big city (or even California), I won't bother. Further, while I profile for politics, if I see a woman who thinks she is conservative but consumes organic or is vegan, I cross her off the list. Both of those are forms of other religions. She probably is into yoga too. Nope, won't work. I have to be picky, I have seen what not being picky will do. Now, I do understand, when a woman says she is conservative, that can mean (to her mind) that being a Democrat is fine. Most women are as good with understanding politics as they are with sword or gun play. I know that, just being a woman, means she is liberal. A conservative woman, for the most part, is a shy liberal man, politically. Be honest ladies. Well, single women. Once a woman has some children, and if she has ever seen some wealth, things can change quickly with regards to politics and the understanding of what invasive policies and politicians mean. But single women? Don't know, don't care, it's all about how she feels, meaning... liberal. Bah! If God didn't call me to marry just as He called me to the Church... Never mind, His will, not mine. Bah!

*laughs* Don't... take it all too seriously. Just... don't laugh it all off. But do laugh, damn you! It is hilarious. A gas. And, even though the joke seems to be on me no matter how it goes down... I still enjoy the heck out of it.

Later.

Well?

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I checked the Catholic connection site. I see one of the women who I favored has viewed my profile. I thought that was it. But then I looked at her profile again. She has now taken the psych thing/personality test. Ouch! She is... just like me! The percentages are a bit off, but just a little. My Lord, a female me, and at 6'2", that is almost spooky. *grins* I noticed she also had a question, just one, on the possible 20 question questionnaire. It was about my family, whether my parents were still married or what was going on with that. I said, short answer, which family? But went on to explain my rather unhappy family life. Since the question was multiple choice I simply wrote my answer in a message. Now that is it! But if nothing else, I am honest.

Oh, right, I best get on to things. Too, I will have to remember to check back with people's profiles. There are a lot of women my age who are interested, but... that isn't going to happen. I am neither there, as I said, to make friends or give false hope to women. If a woman turns 25 or older, and isn't pretty much just negotiating for marriage already, her best bet will be an older guy. The longer she waits, the older the guy she may need to accept as a serious suitor if marriage is her intention. Men who are going to marry seem to do it young and fast or either quit the chase or become much more hesitant. Marriage, like war, is either a thing of passion for the young or a puzzle for gentlemen who do things more slowly and... cautiously. No speed or haste can be involved when wisdom has set in, and women are powers to behold and beware. Lord though, from what I have seen, she would be a wonderful catch. And a right decent partner. If I don't get her, I hope somebody does.

Well, right, right on that. No, not her, though I am trying. No, on to what remains before Mass! Later.

Thank God it is Friday.

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I am tired. Rung out. The little I have been doing, in the real scheme of things, has worn me out well and truly. It has been a long time since I really enjoyed weekends, I think since I was in college. And yet, from last weekend, I know I can't stop there, put my feet up, and rest. Beyond being annoying, it threatens to undermine my progress. I don't want to continue the week, either, though. I do want to back it off. I am hoping to go hiking tomorrow. I may need breaks along the way, until I can get things sorted out. Perhaps I can go cross country skiing as the snow piles up, or maybe snowshoeing.

I know, right now, I am having to push every moment just to wake up and stay awake. Getting going is really tough. I don't know how much my bad heart adds to the process, though I am pretty sure it isn't a slight loadstone to wear. Never mind, I have shown I can get things done, but for how long? This summer I had a fine long run, until they increased doses. Even if I recently cut my doses, I am on more than I was before. A lot more. I am on the maximum doses I can take and still even get out of bed more regularly. How long can I keep getting out of bed? I have the medicines eating me up while if I don't take them my body will ravage me. A rock and a hard place. I will keep doing what I can. But this, in truth, is like those nightmares where something is chasing you. Only in this nightmare you have limits on how much you can run. At some point I may not be able to run anymore. Or, that is the fear.

Never mind, I have some things to do. A shower, right away, might help. And with it out of the way I can be more sure to get to Mass on time. Oh, but I almost forgot exercises, and medicine needs to go down. I just filled my medicine case last night. Two weeks of taking all my medicines. There are a few medicines I need to order as well, but I have enough to last through the next two weeks and then some, so I should be good, if they send them as they say they will.

After Mass, I have some parts to try to find and buy, bullets to deliver, and a friend to get out shopping with. I think, for this afternoon, instead of closets, I will work in the Xterra, getting her sorted out, cleaned, and vacuumed. Windows to floors to neatness factor, she needs it. Later on I will do more work regarding blogspot. I have received nothing from them from my several queries. My worry is that, because I am on some limited status they won't change my broken address to a good address making updating or working with them impossible. Stuck in some sort of electronic limbo. I've been there before on other things. Some of which, with an interested service provider, I have been able to work out. Other things, with people who had nothing to gain by helping, I simply lost the service.

Thank God it is Friday. That is for sure. But... what does it mean sometimes? If I can't stop, or even slow down too much without threatening my success, what is the saying worth? I dunno, but I am still glad of it for what it is worth, somehow. Good day.