Hmm, long day ahead of me.

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I was up at... 15:00?  Something.  Yeah, my days are switching.  But I am allowing it, even encouraging it.  After checking the message from dental, it seems my appointment is at 7:30 this morning?  She spoke so fast it is difficult to be sure.  Seems pretty early, but I have no way of checking.  While there is a switchboard, and sometimes they can check, for the main hospital, dental is on it's own and not connected with the main hospital.  And the call, and reminder, wasn't received until later Friday.  I'm not sure when it came in, only I didn't notice until later.  Not sure I was in any condition to check back anyway.  Time floats when the mind does.

In any case, I am prepping.  I am doing laundry, took a shower, doing more laundry, and will do some other things.  I need to be out by about 4:30.  While that does get me there early, it also allows me to miss rush hour almost completely.  Yum!

Dinner arrived tonight.  Just the dad.  So... I offered him some of my delicious pickled pork hocks.  He had never tried, and was curious.  It turns out that it isn't quite his thing.  Good for me, as I see it!  More teh hocks zu fur mish!  Yeah, I bungle German.  You ought to see what I can do with English, given half a chance.  Anyway... he let me know tonight, and next week, will have both recycling and trash.  Usually recycling is every other week.  I caught the hint, because he hinted like men do.  He told me that I ought to gather and put out.  See, to me, that's a hint.  No hemming, no hawing, just *bam* "do it".  Yeah, right, okay.  I hear you.  I laugh, but I hear you.  So, I'll get things rounded up and out.  On the good side, since I make so little trash and so little recycling, next week I told him he could use my recycling bin.  Actually, as I think about it, he can use both, as I only need to (by capacity) take trash out about once a month, or two.  The bins just don't fill.  With a family of six children, and it being Christmas... they could probably use it.

I also received a plate of Christmas cookies!  Another fine local family stopped by, offered the goodies, and asked about me.  Oh, well, to be honest, most of the locals are rather decent folk.  Hmm... I've got plans for several of the families, sometime, when I can figure some things out.  Oh, no... nothing too odd...  perhaps a duck or two, or a goose, for their families.  Something many have never tried.  With larger families, some things just aren't as possible.  One family at a time.  Four families on my list so far.  Mostly because I have met and eaten with them, been visited or otherwise gifted by them...  Well, and I like to support those who make that sacrifice.  Yes, having children is a sacrifice.  It pays in the final analysis, but that isn't seen up front, for decades... several, many.  The price is seen immediately.

I need to check and see what kind of a fine mess I have made of my accounts.  If I haven't done too much damage, I may buy the snow shoes, pole, and such.  Otherwise I have to wait for next month.  Not much snow, yet, on the ground... here in the valley.  And I want to work with flat lowlands, or relative lowlands, before hitting the slopes.  I will need to get in shape.  Hmm?  Yeah, that's an idear.  Could start checking my mail with them, on top of working in the back yard.  That way it isn't just doing it for no reason.

Dangedest thing though?  I'm still growing.  I was size 12 foot, then 12 1/2.  The last three shoes/boots I bought I had to go with a 13 and I'm... starting to think those are getting a little tight.  Gah!  There were some other things, but I was trying to ignore them... hoping that if I didn't acknowledge then it wouldn't be true.  *shrug*

I will try to make it to the store, and to another place tomorrow.  I will call around and see what is open for some blessings tomorrow.  I can only hope something has a daily daily going for a grumpy half-human barbarian to stop in and... say a proper thanks.  He is always happy to see me.  It is mutual.

Later.

Psychic noise, in the background, again.

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Only this time, I laugh.  Oh do I laugh.

I heard it in the wind.  Whispers, several, many perhaps.  Discussions and thoughts, alone and in groups.  I scare the hell out of people.  Down to their roots.  They wonder, worry, aren't sure what this or that means, how it might affect them.  Yes, I scare the hell out of people.

Laugh?  Why, of course.  I MEAN to scare the hell out of you.  You can't get to heaven with even an ounce of that stuff in your soul.  So, yes, I hope, pray, and want to scare the hell out of you.  For my part?  You are welcome.

Not my stories.

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Close, or along similar lines, or with notions that belong.

Who knew?

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Stolen from Desert Cat.  No, nothing bad.  Actually rather stunning, fun in many ways, and... worth spending a minute or two watching.  But... you will have to click to see.  I've been using too much bandwidth on the front page, making loading a bit hairy.  So... best to put things under the fold.

Bleh.

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Sleep just didn't happen as early as I hoped.  I was in bed by 23:00 and change, which is the earliest I have been to bed in... a number of days.  Thing is I couldn't get out of bed until 11:00, and change.  I had the weirdest night.  I thought everything was normal.  I usually sleep with three blankets.  The bottom one, closes to me, is a really warm one my mother made.  Remember, it's winter here and I sleep with the window open.  I have a blanket and a  quilt above that.  Every few days I readjust my blankets, and did so last night, roughly.  Make the bed?  Yeah, hush.  Anyway, without remembering rolling or anything, and something I haven't done before?  I ended up, somehow, getting that bottom blanket off me, outside the other covers, and down at the foot of my bed.  I have no idea how I would even do that, awake or asleep.  It was not just out, but more like woven through the rest of my bedding.  Don't ask, I simply have no answers.  As far as I can tell, it was a perfect night of solid sleep.

I have an appointment tomorrow.  Dental.  I'll have to figure out when it is.  I need to be there, I may have a cavity forming and want it checked before I run into serious pain.  I think they called, and left a message.  I just hope I didn't erase it.  I could just show up early, but that leaves a lot of time to kill, out in the wilds.  It is exhausting for me to try and warehouse myself for half a day in foreign, hostile, territory.  I'm not sure if I am hoping it is later, or earlier.  Later, actually, I am hoping.  Or I'll have to push harder than I might functionally be able to do to get there.  Gah!

Oh... on to waking.  Later.

Saturday is it?  Oh.  Thankful, I am!  First, that my neighbor stopped by and informed me.  Or I might have ended up in SLC tomorrow.  And, glad that I have another day to try to figure out how to get there.  Yeah, it's that bad.  Hmm... if it snows, or worse rains, I will have to reschedule.  Other than that...  I best get in.  I only go every two or three years, so... 

I'm not the only one.

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I don't know.  I seem to get stuck in some things and little changes.  Yeah.  But...  Here, let me show you.  Now, he is out and out direct and this is on just one thing, though who knows privately.  I'm stuck on a few themes.  It's just the way it is.  At least I'm not quite that public about it... mostly.


By the way, I saw the clip at AoSHQ.  One of the writers was either picking on us, self inclusive or not I can't remember.  Just... giving credit.

It doesn't always make sense.

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Lately it rarely makes sense.  Life just passes me by.  I have no idea how to get a grip on it.  Things to do, both for want and need.  But it simply isn't working out well.  I'm no longer in pain, which is generally a good thing.  I have been taking my medicines, and increasing insulin (to no effect it seems... yes, I've been eating right too, as far as diabetes goes).  I just keep looking for opportunities and not really finding them, or anything that helps.  Lost.  In the mind I do fine.  I won't say I have become a stellar thinker, or a paragon of wisdom, merely that I lead a simple life, and attempt to be humble, back in the cave of the thoughts that reside in my flesh.  Locked away, really.  My body takes care of itself, and I can help mentally with that a bit.  It's like two different creatures with some communication and shared interests, but mostly a divided living arrangement.  Neither of us prefers it.  Neither of us knows how to fix it.

Until I get up and through the dosage, then get level with that, I don't think much will change.  I want to change it.  But I also want to make it so people aren't hungry, thirsty, sinful, and ignorant.  I have as much power over one set of notions as I do over the other notion.  Wish in one hand, as a chief in the Navy once told me, and defecate in the other, see which fills the quickest.  Yeah, yeah, but the truth is there even if not put in a form most prefer.  Me, I like it plain and straight up, so... that saying works fine for my needs.  Of course, it's why I don't wish in one hand.  That's for a specific so-called religion I do believe.  Don't want to lose your right hand in that group.  Heh.

I woke late, again.  But at 20:00 and change, I think I am going to try to get some sleep.  My days have been rather good, with only the last few days becoming later and later.  If I can, and I think I can, nip that in the bud, I will.  If it is the only success I have, I will have it.  Even if I fail, I won't fail by lack of effort... whatever that means in this fog.  I never did get to my business, or some other business, or laundry, dishes, the kitchen, the rest of the cave, plumbing, setting up my shop...  Those things will simply be there when I can get to them.  Ah well.  I could hate, but that doesn't help.  I'll keep the things in mind and hop and jump when I can.

Good night.

Up late, still have things I best do. Bed time.

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I simply couldn't sleep, until about now.  I wasn't up until noon, which might be the problem.  Perhaps I will try to be up earlier tomorrow.  Even 10:00 would be better.  Even so, today was a short day, so there is the possibility I can push things tomorrow.  But I have to call the V.A.  I know I have some appointments coming up, dental for sure.  I'll have to check my recent post with my list of other things to do as well.  I am not focusing well.  On the good side the pain is going, mostly gone now. 

I have a couple of business things to do, but I really need to try and reach deep and get on my home.  Beside cleaning, there is the plumbing.  And... other cleaning, like my room.  Throw in laundry.  Yeah, well...  Ugh... 

The docs suggested I lower my water pill.  But that's not working.  My hands are inflating.  It isn't too serious yet, so I might give it another week, or until something feels like it is going to pop.  Odd how I was able to do without the water pill for so many years.  Beer, I think, actually did the trick.  And perhaps regular and even diet soda... Diuretics, you see.  Really really.  If I do go back up on the water pill I will need to get potassium in there, at least semi-regularly.  While the vitamins, the daily and the occasional, are helping... no more cramping and I generally do feel better for whatever that really means, and just on balance, they are not, or no longer, help with keeping the potassium where it needs to be. 

I did buy a katana, a longer one than usual.  Sharp as a razor, I'll tell you.  It has a nice feel, and form, but... I will have to practice with this.  And, it isn't a single handed weapon.  It could be, but the balance is forward of the "hilt".  It's called something else for katanas, but it comes down to the same thing.  With the weight forward, by a goodly distance (7" I think), and the blade being 33", it just isn't suitable for one handed work.  There are moves that can be one handed.  But for the most part it is a two handed sword.  Sadly.  My hand and a half actually weighs more, but because of the balance, I can easily wield it with one hand, and left or right hand.  I may have to seek a katana that is balanced for one hand use, if that might make it actually other than a true katana.  I had hoped to dual wield.  And with the right swords, I can.  Hmm?  More stories from ol' Doom?  Perhaps.  I wouldn't test it, twere I you, but you may believe as you wish.  In any case, I will have to learn new techniques... and, yes... I'll figure it out.  I just know that it will never be a true single handed sword and would be absolutely untenable as a dual wield blade.  Bleh.

Then again, my perceptions may truly be off.  I have heard of a master who, it was claimed, wielded two full katana.  But much legend loses reality.  Not always, but... often enough.  Perhaps it is a wakizashi, much as duel wielding with European swords is done, usually, with a main sword and an arming dagger or the like.  And there are advantages and disadvantages to all weapon choices, single blade, two handed blade, and dual wielding of whatever nature.  I will suggest, most of the what people believe about sword fighting has nothing to do with sword fighting.  Best, for example, not to employ a sword as a shield.  And should that be required, it won't be sharp edge to sharp edge.  Never mind.

Oh, there is a master who does teach using two full length katana.  I am sure the balance of the sword I have would not suit this practice, but this must mean there are swords that do.  I thought so.

Oh, right.  Good night.

A new idea and a Christmas treat.

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I'm fussy about pistols.  None of them really fit for ease of draw, general access, and comfort.  Well, okay, I wasn't really messing with where to put the holster.  Being a bit grumpy, and yet innovative, today, I just decided to tinker.  Ah...  Success.  At least with the 9.  Holstered on the left side, with draw to the right, and the new mag, pistol, and holster all fit just right.  A cross draw isn't a problem either.  It's not fast, but neither is a standard draw.  If I ever get around to getting a concealed carry permit, I will probably get a sling draw, down on my thigh.  In Utah, if you have a conceal carry permit, even if you don't, you can open carry.  However, without a conceal carry, and even with one, you can get hassled in the cities.  With the permit there isn't a lot they can really do.  Without it, they can really jack with people, and have.  Not every cop, but it just takes one to really cause problems.  No, not really for speed draw, even then.  It's just... it makes for a more natural draw.

For Christmas, most people think of treats as sweat.  No fuss here, I like my sweets.  My mother is sending chocolate chip, ginger snaps, and some other things.  If she wants to surprise me, homemade fudge, the only thing I actually like walnuts in, too.  But no peanut butter cookies.  I just don't like sweet peanut butter stuff!  But, for my money, I'm into savory.  And, more, into man-style savory.  I have been searching for good pickled pork hocks, actually mostly meat with a good fat rind, locally, since I arrived.  Nowhere could I find that.  Not in Logan, not in Ogden, not in SLC.  I had sort of given up.  Then, while looking around online for other things, I found them!  A brand I know, and remember having liked, a lot.  They were only offered in pairs of 32 oz. jars.  Still... I figure I can use that before it goes bad.  And my guess is it would last a long time.  *hint* Pickled! *hint*  I've already eaten about a normal jar's worth.  Yum!  I'm definitely getting into the season.  Yeah, yeah, I have duck for the actual meal, or thereabouts.  This is just the stuff in the lead up.  Hey, I'm an old bachelor.

Oh, I will be going private after this haiku contest is finished.  Well, and after I figure it all out.  I have three people signing on.  I may ask a few others if they want access.  And I may tag a post suggesting I will be going private and access will not be allowed for just anybody, for about a week, before going silent.  So, yeah, it's... on the way.

Went down late but hard.

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As 2:00 rolled around, I was able to sleep.  I remember something, something, then rolling over at noon.  Waking wasn't as tough this morning as it was yesterday.  Medicines down the throat, brushed the teeth, but it will still take a bit to wake.  I have no clue what is on the menu to even try today.  I'll figure it out sooner though.  A ten hour sleep, with a nap yesterday, probably just means I am in recovery a bit.  Fine, fine, but I'll try to push through.  Hey, at least I haven't given up, from pain, or in the doldrums, and just set everything on autopilot.  You have no idea how tempting the notion is.  Then again, as I harden to the rigors of life again, and illness, I may be losing the ability to drift.  Not that it used to be a choice, and maybe it is just barely an option now.  I have just enough health to still suffer greatly but not enough to suffer beyond my means?  Maybe.  I hope for more improvement.  Barring that, I actually think the literal situation has gone from bad to worse, as to feel.  I literally have to hope for more.  Push for better.  I guess, the old saying, that things must get worse before they can get better, is true.  At least in this case, for me, now.  Fine, fine.  As long as it gets better.

I'm still feeling odd organ pains.  Triceps are just a touch sore still.  But all in all, today is a vast improvement.  Another day or two and I may be completely pain free.  And while I did sleep hard, and a little longer than usual, I did sleep well, woke well, and am feeling up to a full day... if not much activity probably.  One thing at a time.  I sometimes wonder if I focus to much on this stuff.  But if you had felt the pain, or even what is left of it today, you would understand... it isn't so much that I focus on it, it is that it is intense enough that I can focus on almost nothing else.  It's not so much a choice as a reality.  Same for most of my complaints.  Go to a hospital, where if you were me you would be.  Look around the heart clinic, at the guys who don't do as well with our condition as I do.  Talk to them.  The ones who can talk through whatever they give them for the condition, the ones who can talk.  The only real difference is I am not hospitalized for it.

Hmm... I just realized something...  When the heart clinic heard, from some nurse practitioner at that despite them not finding it, that I had a heart arrhythmia, they were hoping for it.  You see, they don't like messing with medicines.  They, really, are hoping to do some sort of surgery.  They really don't have any other use for clients.  Since I won't do a heart transplant, and shoot down every false prognosis like the winner gunslinger in the Old West, they really aren't interested in continuing to see me.  Now, for my part, I need them, but just for medicine updates and tests my gp can't order.  I need them to monitor my condition in a way a gp can't and shouldn't be trusted to do.  So, I will, if I have to, and again, fight the V.A. for my right to have a specialty clinic.  Yeah, I see that coming.  I've had to fight them before, and usually win.  They are not in it for me.  They are in it to make money as a teaching hospital, for the unions, and for cushy jobs that don't require lawsuit coverage.  But it's what I've got.  Gotta keep an eye on them, they are crafty bastards.

Later.

Up early but weakly.

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My organ meat seems to be settling.  There is still an occasional muted thud that sends minor rifts of lightning pain.  But it is rare and random, and is stopped much more quickly because the events happen as singular events and with enough time between them that my brain isn't having to track three to five at once... that slows my painkilling process greatly.  The shoulders are good, back to normal already.  Oddly, my triceps is where the pain from my shoulders, and stiffness from the neck, settled.  Yeah, I don't understand it all either.  Doctors just tell me I'm crazy.  I'm only crazy because they tell me I am, which I refute.  As usual.

I did find my diabetes tester.  Oddly, blood sugar is still high, in the 190's.  The only carbs I have eaten was a regular soda when invited to pizza.  When I went out with my friend I had coffee, with splenda.   I haven't even been drinking a lot of dairy.  Perhaps a half cup of whole whipping cream per day, for coffee, and perhaps one large glass of milk every other day.  I just don't get it.  Blood pressure was right around 150/100.  That beats the 210/140-160 sort of average before that, but it's still a bit high.  I thought the higher doses would help, quicker, but... not so much.  Still, I am taking everything, and as rightly as I can.  I may need to increase insulin.  I'm a bit nervous about the stuff.  Going low on blood sugar is truly terrifying.

I did wake early, but for the first time in a while I needed a nap.  I made it as close to 11:00 as I could, losing control just a bit before it.  I had to fight for that extra hour or two of up time to get there.  Odd dreams lately.  Last night I dreamed of all of the strange things I remember having heard or even believed as a child.  Fairy tales, urban legends of the more minor sorts, and having all of those be real in the dream.  It was a bit spooky but mostly delightful.  Think of tiny fairies living in flowers, frogs turning into princes, and such.  Of course there were witches, but I didn't get turned into a newt or such.  Just the sort of fright level a child would nominally show toward such things, there were no real adult level emotions.  Ah... what a world children have, and a good thing too.  I carried on, a bit, with that theme, while dreaming during my nap.  Not a bad thing, and certainly sets the stage for a better mood.

That might have been it.

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Well, or part of it.  This last time at the heart doc, they lowered the "water pill".  I guess I have been too busy being null and void to have noticed, until thinking back on it, but I now believe the waterworks had tapered off.  It hadn't stopped, outright.  It simply wasn't keeping up.  Of course, that fluid has to go somewhere, my internals paid the price.  It seems, however, that everything caught up, or at least the work chit has been put in and the job has started.  A couple of heavy unloads last night and another this morning will hopefully see me back to health much more quickly than I had anticipated.

Down, as it turns out, at about 23:00.  I didn't set the alarm, simply I didn't remember.  I was already waking at 6:00 or so when my mother called.  I heard the phone and sort of roughly hurried.  When you just wake up, the whole notion of hurrying and doing anything successful are both sort of funny.  While I don't literally stumble around like a newborn fawn, for as slowly as my mind and body work within reality, I might as well.  What happens in those seconds between thinking to do something and actually doing it I can only guess, though I am pretty sure it has nothing to do with an acrobatic routine.  Probably just staring off into the space right before me.  Oh, others have it worse.  This morning it was only just long enough to miss the call.  But this danged phone only rings once or twice then cuts it... or maybe my mom means to just leave a message.  She... is always a little nervous about talking to me, much like you reading here are never quite sure...  Read or not read, read or... run away screaming into the hills.  Doom is on another rampage.  Geronimo I understand, you all?  Not so much.  He needed booze, I just need the so-called news.

The body was waking anyway.  And the bladder was pushing, seemingly familiarized with the new lower dose and with much to do for that, Sam walking on my bladder (yeah, the little demoness knows when and where to walk on poppo in the mornings), plus my body telling me that seven hours was enough for our purposes, and I am up.  The back is still a little sore, the innards still feel like someone inserted an industrial hand mixer, and the headache from the other pain stresses (nothing like kicking a lying dog), are present and accounted for, just not so red hot as yesterday.  A few more days and I might be back to the good ol' blahs.  *laughs*  Hey, it ain't great, grand, delightful, but it's what I've got, it could be worse, and I don't mind.  I've learned some things.

I did call her back.  Another package, this time unopened.  Which is fine, really.  I didn't mind her opening those hats, as I wanted her to have them for her use.  And another package is for opening.  But the one today and another will be for Christmas.  She used to let us open one on Christmas eve, so that works.  Then one on Christmas day.  Perfect.  Other than that, all is good there.  Snow, a bit, as here.  And the cold.  But winter above some line in the proverbial sand means cold and snow, how much of either is... another question.

I best get to waking.  Took my bp today, and meant to take blood sugar but couldn't find my tester.  I'll root around for it until I find it.  Start doing morning rituals as I learn to make myself presentable each morning on top of it.  I'm a-trying.  I'm a-working at things.  Later.

Menthol.

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That is what the back feels like.  It is sort of numb, I think from over-stimulation.  It is as if you put on way too much icy hot or lineament of some sort.  But more the hot than the icy.  The skin is sort of fevered, and that fever is spreading.  To the mind, it reminds me of when I have had an actual fever so that it makes thinking a little foggy.  Medicines themselves, I don't think, are doing this.  It is my heart getting the breaks put on, being slowed where it feels the need to pump harder, where the problems occur.  At least I have figured some of this out, and am staying aware to do so.  I might, in time, figure out what to use to counter it.  All those years, when I could only know something was wrong but not be able to understand it at all.  Too much pain, too little awareness.  I have to guess my body went through periods where it would slow the heart down on it's own, and in so doing so cause all sorts of havoc.

I'll keep trying to keep on top of it.  For now I don't have any method of doing much about it.  I thought about a shower but I'm not up to that and I don't think it would help.  To be warm enough as chill as the world is the heat would be too much to bear.  My back isn't actually painful to the touch, it tingles when touched, and is cold to the touch.  That is actually unusual but I don't know what it means.  The pain is deeper than skin level, and seems mild though I can't really tell how much it hurts, mostly.  Just that it hurts.

It's just 22:00 but I think I'm going to bed.  A twelve hour day, since I woke at 10:00 or so.  I have been staying up 18 hour days, for the most part, lately, so...  I won't complain if I need to knock off early.  Hmm, I will set the alarm for earlier though.  Tomorrow I need to check the weather for the weekend, to possibly make plans to take my friend out shooting.  I also need to cancel the club membership.  Finally, I need to call the V.A. and get my appointments put into my new phone.  Well, and tinker with the phone.  It doesn't tell me when I have email or comments here, yet.  I may have turned that off though.  The phone eats battery life like a monster though.  It only gets most of a day on a charge, with a few phone calls and a few minor tinkerings when I manually check email or such.  It's something to do anyway.

Good night.

Tough day, and night.

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Innards feel like I've been in a boxing match and my opponent was kind enough to focus on my torso.  While my hands were tied behind my back.  Why?  If I knew that I would avoid doing it.  It's bad enough that... well... every once in a while I become a little... faint.  I don't feel all the pain, as my nature covers much of it.  But flushing and getting a little weak in little flashes a few to many times a minute, tells me that the pain is there, just under the surface.  I won't be doing much.  I'm done until this clears up.  I was rolling, last night, and the pain was waking me.  Never fully, but enough that it ripped the notion of a good night of sleep to shreds.  I just get the sense that various of my organs are protesting.  Without the native painkillers, it would be sharp, stabbing, pains, from various organs, in a slow symphony of agony.

Today is off.  I'll keep things in mind, for the future.  But for now...  At least this isn't like the physical assault during the previous attempt at going on medication.  It did happen at this level of dosing, though.  It happened within days, not like the week it took this time.  And even with my pain handling physique the pain was much more pronounced, raw, crippling all by itself.  So, there is that.  I wish the doctors had a clue.  I don't go through these things without medicines.  Either I am a complete outlier, they are lying, or something else is wrong that they haven't bothered to a)diagnose b)know but won't treat c) know but won't admit about the medicine.  I can't trust much of what they say, depending on what observably works and ignoring the rest.

There isn't a truly comfortable position, in bed, in a chair, or standing.  Pain oozes out from the oddest places.  Little bolts of electrical torture spread even down to my groin, before being mitigated by... whatever does that.  Luckily, usually, before the pain peaks.  Yeah.  While it sucks to be Doom, given the givens I would rather be me than some poor sob who has to feel it all.  Hell, the skin on my shoulder blades has started to burn, I think from reflexively shrugging when I sense the pain so as to shirk it.

Some days you just got to bite the bullet.  Ah well.  I'll get better.  Eventually.  Something to consider though?  There is a reason I don't have a lot of sympathy for mere hurt feelings.  I really have no room for it.

Going private.

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Since some people cannot understand the fact that this blog is the wild roaming mind of a man who by all rights should be dead, I will be making this blog private.  I'll give it a week for anyone who wishes to read to say so, and then I'll figure out how to keep it open to those who do.  I'll do the heavy lifting, including contacting you if I can find out how or letting you know in comments how to contact me so that I can fill you in more privately, such as with email, what I need from you.  I understand, some things shouldn't "just be said", even if they are just thoughts.  That is the way it goes, and I do write what I think.  This is my blog, piss off if you don't like it or can't handle it.

Wrong?  Often enough, but the only way to get to right is to go through many wrongs.  It's just the way life goes.  Some people just shouldn't be privy to that process.

If you want to read here, let me know.  As I figure out how access is granted, probably through an account, though perhaps by email, I'll try and get your particulars and put them in the machine.  I weary of dealing with psychic haptic feedback of such a negative nature.  Right, wrong?  None of your damned business unless you can deal with it.

Yeah, well, yes and no.

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I did get ready, and to town, but was running slow.  Not late, though.  I was on time, and actually on time to be early save the roads where... questionable, so I took it slower.  Today, when people drove slow?  I ticked back a hundred yards or three, tagged their speed, and just enjoyed the mellow.  No push today, no rush, nothing is worth an accident or a ditch trip.  Slow.  Easy.  I didn't even get upset with people riding my bumper, even when I knew they could pass me.  But I was not going to go faster, or let them upset me.  Nope.

I got my friend loaded, got to the salon, all without a hitch.  The roads seem to be better than they looked.  A fine time was had by all.  After, a meal was needed.  My friend was very hungry.  I can always use a bite.  Then we went shopping, looking really for .22 rounds.  Nothing.  I did pick up some 9 mm ammunition.  While I am fairly set for .45, I'm very week on 9 mm.  I don't have much brass, no bullets, or primers.  Last I looked, those were hard to come by as well, and expensive, so I haven't mucked around with reloading.  I figure, a couple times a month, buy 100 to 200 rounds, and I should be fine in six months... as long as I keep up with shooting between now, then, and afterward.  A couple thousand rounds is minimum, as I see things.  He bought a couple of packs of 9 mm as well.

While there, I looked at crossbows and compound bows.  Thankfully the salesman, a friend of my friend, is an experienced bowman.  He has shot the various sorts, and hunts.  Imagine hunting elk, on foot, with a bow.  Aye, the man caught my attention.  While it was obvious he enjoys the hunt, I don't know that he realized how impressive that tale is to me.  I might be a neophyte in game hunting, especially big game, but to me... hunting an elk, in a stock, on foot, with a bow?  Yes, impressive.  That is a big animal, and a dangerous one in any confrontational situation.  And, just a guess here, but sticking an arrow into such an animal, to my thinking, would lead to a confrontation, if it isn't final quickly, very possibly.  And twenty, or even forty, yards between shooter and shot isn't all that much space for a do-over or seeking cover. 

I have decided, if I do buy a bow type in the future, it will be the compound.  I have no real interest in hunting.  I just want to practice with the device.  While the crossbow has advantages, it also has disadvantages.  What actually sold me on the compound bow was that it is, total package wise, smaller than the crossbow, feels more natural in the hands, will take some practice (more practice), and reloads are much quicker.  Some of that I knew, some of it was news to me.  Yeah, I know... I'm odd.  But if I ever am able to get up, out, and going, in the wilds, I want to be ready.  I dream of elk, deer, and even bear hunting... with a bow.  Yeah, I know.  Just a snot-nosed dreamer gimp.  But... there it is.  Oh, not soon, maybe next winter.  I still have snow shoes, and poles, to buy.  But, yeah, things are coming around.  Well, and if the snow shoes work out this year, and I use them...  Next I will need a tent, all weather, bomb-proof type, for winter camping.  I know, I know, you doubt every word.  As do I.  But then I didn't think I was going to live past thirty, and by all rights I shouldn't have.  So... there.

I best get to some things.  I'm going to try to get some of the kitchen straightened back up.  I have meant to do it but just couldn't pull it off.  Later.

I don't really understand things lately.

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I went down at 1:30, give or take.  Now, I was a little tired, so I set the alarm for 9:30.  I turned it off, almost without realizing it, but woke at about 9:42 anyway.  So the alarm did help.  What don't I understand?  Well, why I am needing so little sleep.  Eight hours, and small change, last night, was the longest I have slept in... weeks now, give or take.  I am sleeping more like six to seven hours a night. 

I have had times where I did this, in the past.  But very shorts spells, which usually lead to disaster.  Eight to ten hours, and mostly regular sleep, has been my norm since starting heart medicine.  That is much better than my usual before that, with days going by in bed... for weeks, even months, at a time.  Normalcy was rare, and still is a bit.  But this sleep cycle I am in is... darned near miraculous.  I know, it's probably temporary, especially when I increase the dose on carvedilol in January, probably.  But I do think it is going to become the norm.  My heart IS improving.  The difference becomes much more plain to see, even, or especially for me.

I still can't do much.  But I have begun to add things back into very regular routine.  Medicines, teeth, and grooming each morning is the new thing I hope to begin implementing.  A shower at least every other morning, brushing my hair and teeth, and deciding whether the face shag needs tending.  A few whiskers look manly, and I don't have a woman to complain or withhold kisses, so I'll keep it until it starts to look too rough. 

Oh?  You didn't realize?  It's true.  I haven't been taking good regular care for most of my adult life.  I did, mostly, while in college, but I had someone doing the laundry and some of the other things in support.  Yeah, I'm... not a good housekeeper, but it does help with the rest of life.  And while she didn't think she was good at it, she was far better than I was, and it did help.  I was cooking seven to ten meals a week then, too.  But she did (most of) the dishes and at least half of the shopping.  And... I needed help in other ways, while trying to run that program.  Then again, it was engineering school.  It was a rough haul though.  This is different.  Having a woman, now, might lead me through engineering school.  The problem is, I don't think there is enough work to support such a career choice at this time.  It would just be for the paper on the wall.  No wife, so I wouldn't be able to figure it out.  Well, and... my sleep cycle isn't actually nailed down, yet.

Hmm...  Haircuts.  I have to stop so my friend can go along first.  And I need a shower and... no, I think I can skip the shave.  I best get moving though.  Have a good day.

Dreaming, sure. Just not acting.

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Mix and match.

Haiku Monday - Madness

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Give a man a podium and he throws stuff at you!

Colonialist is up with the contest here!  I am not sure how long he has been up.  I wasn't sure of the day, but it seems to be Monday.  I'll... sort things out, sooner or later.  I'm thinking earlier but feeling later.  Oh, right, something else but I've lost it.  I've written as much as I can, and focus today or for now.

Yes, yes, I put up a few.  They go with the day's, week's, month's? flow.  Mostly.  I best put them up before I find myself in next month and this be undone.

living in the sky

no body no senses non

I love you all - man

the cats and cradle

rocked me to sleep - winter

I can't remember

fall inside a thought

that time's gone - it's all you know

can never go home

Just Shoot Me?

she says I’m crazy
then she hates me and loves me
all in the same breath?

I Still Lose

Sas fiddles with me
Sam then musts fiddle with Sas
three cats fiddling

Not Trappist

tappist monk - hide away

tapping out my day, keyboard

lost in my burrow

Good to be the king and queen!

(Hazing rituals of the human family)

mom, dad, say "Do this."

they don't, always - rules one way

teaching to own self?

(just remember)

the whispers of Doom

dread in the night, even the day

nowhere to run, hide

If you let it.

bloodlust from true war

it eats the enemy, then 

it consumes the owner

One foot on the pedal...

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One in the grave.  I can't die and I can't move forward.  Both are in here.  No longer, however, are those things at war.  Nor am I, as I have, pushing the speed to death.  It's just that there is an element of being a little dead and yet afire with life itself that... can work together.  Rather than seeing them as opposites, even juxtaposed normally exclusive natures... in ones who can contain them think of them more as two parts of a sphere, a hemisphere each.  Alone they are weak, open, smaller by half, and limited.  Together?  Together they are the world.

My will so wants to get to things.  I have things to do.  My body simply doesn't comply well.  And yet it is just alive in it's own way as is my will and my thoughts, mind.  The death I know merely severs the two halves, or more, makes them so that they can't work together, for the moment.  I think there is a, and possibly several, reasons for that.  The first is, or was, to help me change my path.  I was truly headed to hell, with intent.  God struck me down, then called.  Another possible reason is that, with my flesh and will and mind struggling to work together across death itself, I stay strong is ways beyond my age and definitely beyond my health.  Call it a spiritual work out, like none you could find in a gym, college, or even seminary.  A final possible use is to preserve me for something to come.  If I had full use of body, will, and mind... I would be doing things that see people to death.  I test limits, in all ways.  It is in my nature.  Perhaps 13 potential deaths, including three real ones, is as much as even God wishes to... cover.  No more.  Dang kid, I'll just put a holding spell on him until he is needed, I can almost imagine God deciding...  A divine time out?  Could be.

Just figuring some thing.  The engine seems to be warming up.  I am not getting any traction, but the engine is revving, everything is being tested to make sure it works, I sense something coming.  No, not the big thing, perhaps not even for me actually.  But something is coming.  The time to at least not stroke out or blow a heart gasket means being a bit ready, and my body is prepping, as it can.  I don't know if it will happen, I only know something changed, a few weeks ago, and now something is being considered.  Be on your toes, ready to, if nothing else, get out of the way.  It might not even culminate.  Actually, I sense something "natural" and something manmade.  I wish I could nail it down but that is all I have.  Shielded, those things are.

People do realize I am a cripple.  In many ways.  And it is true.  But if you dropped me in hell you would find, to your utter amazement, that I do quite well.  War, high stress situations, danger, these are my areas.  It's just... I won't go there, now, unless I have to go there.  But if I have to go there you best get out of my way, both in and out.  Move your ass, you know how I hate heat... mostly.  And if you are coming with, come armed of body, mind, will, and spirit, and be prepared.  I will not babysit a snotnose.  Don't think I jest.  And if that makes you stop and think, don't even think about going along for a looksee.  I hate toting corpses back, it's a pain in the butt.

Yeah... weirdness...  I don't know what is going on.  Could be wrong.  Might not happen.  Don't count on anything other than for the next bit... keep your head.

The good boy.

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I have been taking my medicine like clockwork.  Further, I have done a few things to make sure that goes forward.  More, I have figured out my medication changes, and implemented them, on a trial basis.

Yesterday was time to reload my medicine set.  I hadn't gotten to it while out shopping, wasn't sure it was going to happen either.  While out, I bought two new medicine containers, technically for a week, with allowances in the form of compartments for four medicine types per day.  I use that as a two week supply.  I bought two of them, but these are the best I have seen.  As is, the container I have leaks between compartments, is warped so that it doesn't work well, and such.  These new sets, two of them, are just what the doctor ordered.  Each compartment locks, and has to both be unlocked via a tab, then actually opened.  Not air (or water/moisture) tight, but a bit of thinker might see to that.  Probably more than I would care to do, unless I go on another water adventure though... which might happen.  Yeah, I'm that kind of guy.

Anyway, when I got home... I had already half forgotten about the med-sets, so set up the old one.  It nearly broke, so... yeah... timing, people.  Still, the old medicine set is being used for it's last time.  Hmm... might make a nice little seed planter, actually, since the top comes off like a sheet, with little square cups underneath?  I just hate wasting... and want some fresh herbs... and like to ponder potentials.  And, while at it, I took my medicine, and before bed took the last doses.  However, in bed, I realized I hadn't taken insulin.  I didn't want to get up, I didn't care to take it, I was just about to doze into dreams.  Nor had I brushed my teeth.  Bah!  I couldn't just let it slide.  Health is returning enough that, even when very tired I both remember and am able to push that little bit past myself...  So... I got up, brushed my teeth, took my shot, then slept like a babe.

Sunday, is it?  I need to get to work on the kitchen.  I want that back to spiffy by Monday night.  It's not bad.  Just needs a little more work.  I'll... get to it.  I already collected and took the trash and recycling out.  The dishes are ready for a final cleaning and rinse.  I'll have to pull out the vacuum and put up some bags, grocery bags collect on the table.  My bad.  Such simple physical labors are sometimes beyond me, and yet I can still push and pull 300# barrels around?  Never mind.  I didn't say I always understood.

Well... on to other things, mostly waking up.  Good day.

In any case, when I returned, I

Fine.

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I see potential, real or imagined, and I let my mind run.  Many people speak but don't mean, or get caught up in an idea without any intentions.  Fair enough.  Still, I do look for opportunities.  What I can do is possibly amazing, but within a very small window.  Trying to translate that into money is so difficult.  That is why I receive disability.  Commercially, it simply isn't enough of the right stuff, at the right times, and in a format that is preferred.  It is too much of a hassle for businesses, clients of the more stated natures, and such, to want to bother mining.  But the potential is relatively significant.  However, have you ever stopped and taken stock of what your real skills are?

Imagine if what you do for a living was no longer available to you.  Just start with that as a given.  Now, what skills do you have on the side that are marketable, and how would you go about turning avocations into a cash cow?  Just think on that, and understand, not only was my vocation lost, my capacity to use my body like the mule, for travel, for heavy lifting, or even for regular days, is done.  Instead of a beast I am more like a computer.  Not a robot, my legs and arms aren't always available to me.  But my mind is quite available, if not on a regular schedule.  Still, I can, and do, research, study, listen, seek, and figure, even in my down days.

Oh, by the way, we were going to order two 15" pizzas, but the decision was made to make it a 36" pizza.  He had his three children along.  While we were waiting for the pizza, he had his son figure out the square inches of the various options, to see how the finances worked.  As it turns out, the 15" pizza was almost 1/6 the size of the 36" pizza, which was about 2.25 times the expense of two 15" pies, give or take.  I don't it was interesting.  I had roughly guessed the bigger pie would be 3 times as much, I low-ball regularly, intrinsically.  It saves on disappointment.  Fine pizza.

Sure, I am still figuring out my smartphone.  But then, if you have one, you probably already realize there are two possibilities with these.  Either you have set, limited, usage for them, and you set those up through other people, or a bit of study, or by tinkering.  Then you stop and just use those things.  The other option is that you begin to learn to use the device, then you keep learning, never truly mastering all of it's potential by the time you buy a new one and begin learning all over again.  Those are your two choices.  Then they change things, with updates... or new apps come out... or... whatever.  You are never ahead of that loop.  At this point I am merely looking to figure out what I want to use with the phone, then how to use it.  It'll take a bit.

Well, I ought to get on to bed.  Sleep well.

Some days even I have to laugh.

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Yesterday I got a good chuckle, thinking it was still dark but deciding to get up anyway, only to realize it was only still dark because the blankets were all over me still!  Come on, that's a wonderful human stupid pet trick that was just made to induce grins, chuckles, giggles, and outright laughter.  Maybe not your shtick, but definitely mine.  This morning?  I stayed up until 2:00 last night.  I meant to set the alarm for 8:30 but forgot.  Good thing to.  An 8:30 wake would have been too early today.  I woke, at some point though, but wasn't ready to be awake.  I think I went to the bathroom even earlier but couldn't hotwire the machine so actually never woke up and went back to sleep easily.  However, when I did wake, I didn't want to get up.  I thought the alarm had been set so kept just waiting for it.  In the end, it WAS the alarm that woke me up, but not by going off... but by NOT going off!  Lying there, under the covers, dreading the alarm, finally unnerved me to wakefulness.  Hehehe  Hey, I'm easily entertained.  And, for my money, the last few mornings have been gafftasticly wonderful.

Today?  I don't know.  I'll keep trying to do some things.  I need to be showered and powered by, say, 14:00, so as to make an easy exit, whenever.  I would like to finish the dishes.  We will see.  And I'd like to... do other stuff.  Right now, first thing in the morning, though, and it was a rough wake even if funny.  I don't have enough going, quite yet, to play the daily energy-willpower-push/pull game of planning.  Just isn't there.

Oh, but do have a wonderful day.  Even when I don't have, even if I can't get, everything nailed down and on the way, I... do try to enjoy life.  I've already had my laugh, though I'll be rooting around for more of those, like a hog on truffles.  Unlike the hog though, I get to eat the humor AND pass it on if I see fit.

My mother just called.  I had forgotten that she moved, so sent everything to her old address.  Her old address is in the same small town, and is lived in by someone she knows personally and well.  She got the first package today.  She enjoyed the hats she got, enough to call and... preen...  Telling me about them and sort of bragging up each.  I gave her a chuckle for the morning.  She used to have a collection of shoes a mile wide.  Time and foot and knee surgery, steals the heels, and other fancy shoes.  And more, in time, everything seems to 'migrate south'.  Which I noted to offset that... her fashion is the one thing in her life that has migrated north... to hats!  She got a good chuckle at the notion.  No, mom, age doesn't send EVERYTHING south.  :)

Good day.

Not so much.

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While I am a bit surprise by how much I got done, I didn't get to some of the things I wanted to do.  I gave the dishes a fresh soak but just couldn't quite finish them.  The phone, figuring it out, ate a lot of my time.  It's sort of a hassle, and even when I get it all straight it will still be messy.  Remembering to turn the hands free on, with auto answer, at certain times.  Turning that off, or parts of it off, if I don't want to be disturbed.  I am about to dig into what I should and shouldn't allow.  As of now, geographical sharing is off.  I'm also considering pulling the battery at night.  Some programs have the power to turn on the device, I do believe I saw.  I don't want to, won't, be disturbed by the damned thing while I am trying to sleep.  There are issue regarding having a phone nearby though, that is easily, fully, functional.  Next time around I may go to a simple cellphone and dump this tech crap.  I won't become a borg.  I decided not to be a demon-kin, I won't go this way now.  Same-same, different name, wired or unwired.

When I gave the card for pizza, I was invited to dinner.  Tomorrow, at 16:00-ish, and I don't even have to drive, just be ready.  Good thing too.  When I said I wasn't up to getting out, I meant it.  But this?  This I can do.  Hmm, I think he mentioned he might have an old speaker that would work for my piano.  I might bring that up.  Some kind of trade.  It's been a while, I'd like to get back to playing from time to time.  Ah, but it's good to share a meal.

Bedtime.  Late, as usual.  I took all but one part of my medicine.  That will be going in on my way to brush my teeth.  I'll set the alarm for 8:30 again, but try to be up before the damn things rattles my nerves.  See you in the morning.

Bits and pieces of this and that.

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I gave the dishes a scrub, again, then another soapy soak.  They should be really easy to wash.  I called to arrange a haircut Monday.  Then thought to call my friend, to see if he needed a haircut.  He does need.  Another call back to the shop and we won't have to wait in line.  I asked for his brother's phone number, good to have.  I do have his sister's number as well.  He doesn't have his brother's other phone number.  His brother lives in the North in summer and in the South for the winter.  He will be looking for that.

Oh, and I have been tinkering with my phone and one of the accessories.  I don't know HOW many calls were missed, two I think.  Today.  Others over the last few days.  I have the buds working, but haven't gotten them to vibrate.  I simply set them up to automatically answer.  I tried to do a couple of other things, between the phone and ear bud device, but... Yeah... well...  I just don't want to pull out the magnifying glass to read horrible instructions that I can figure out with some tinkerage.  Damn kids these days.

I got so intent, working around the innards of the phone, that I forgot to my my arm around from time to time.  I must have been in there an hour, maybe too, tinkering.  When I went to put the phone down I about died.  The arm had cramped, or... cramped when I tried to use those muscles that had been static for so long.  Wow...  Okay, so... perhaps I have some focus sometimes.  If little else it seems.

Still, I got the bluetooth working, am figuring out the controls, and setup for each, mostly.  Not exactly rocket science, but then again, as I have mentioned, neither is actual rocket science.  Trust me, do.  I'd not lie to you.  The hardest thing is that I don't get many calls, or call out much, so I can't really tinker while on calls as much as I would like.  I want to see if I can open up one, or both, extra windows, even surf the web or check my contact list, while talking.  As is, that I have figured out this much is okay, considering so little practical experience.  I might get someone to call me, perhaps my friend while I am visiting him, and as often as it takes to figure things out.

One last thing.  I purchased a gift card for a local who had helped me with the roof.  I had delayed, hoping to get my home in order, so as to have him and his wife for several meals.  That simply never came to fruition, so I bought them a card.  A meal he didn't have to cook, he thought.  Well, that in spades.  However, I kept forgetting to get ahold of him, to let him know to come and get it.  Finally, tonight, serendipity (not, not you) intervened.  I just called him.  He happens to just be leaving town, so will stop by.  Bits and pieces, this and that, when and how I can.  Calories in for calories out.

Hmm...  I'd love to go back into town, for more shopping, for a meal, just to be out.  I won't, can't, really.  Otherwise I would have not just set up the hair cuts for Monday, but would have gone on into town to see my pal today, or even planned on it tomorrow or Sunday.  It... is Friday, right?  Yeah, okay.  No, Monday is as soon as I will be in.  And even that is hopeful, possibly wishful, thinking.  Oh, I think I can push through to make it Monday.  Probably.

Later.

Santa might be on his way...

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But Jack Frost showed up with his war face on, stormed my personal h.q., among many other people's a.o., and kicked me right square in the teeth with a frostbitten boot.  Oh, no harm meant, no offense taken, for our parts.  That's how old friends keep each other awake and ready!   :)

To bed at midnight, up... well, I could have been up at 7:00.  I woke to the call to daily duty, did that, looked around and couldn't see anything, and just thought... if the sun doesn't have to be up, and won't grace me with a little wakey-wakey juice, I'm not pulling this shift!  Of course, I can do that, on some mornings, perhaps most.  This time I knew I would be able to sleep.  I also have learned that going back to bed could end up seeing me up at 10:00, noon, even on into the afternoon.  Why?  Because, now, quit asking damnfool questions or I'll tell you why.  Or... something.  So, I set the alarm for 8:30.  Sometimes I just don't have enough going to do that.  I like when I can functionally use what I know, a rarity at times but a joy.

So, the alarm goes off.  I, by the way, truly hate alarm clocks.  'Tis why they work, though, and often I wake before they go off.  Just not today.  I look around.  Still dark?  Really?  Oh, I'll get up but I'm not going to like it, I think to myself.  No, not one bit.  And I'm just a wee sore about it.  Emotions aren't logical, mind you, if I think many understand the meanness of waking to darkness.  I start rolling and shifting.  And I only hit snooze on the alarm, I know me well.  Between still being tired, in the perpetual state of it lately actually, and that it is dark and I am grumpy about it, I knew that just turning off the alarm could see me in trouble.

I'm awake!, says I in my mind to self.  I'm getting up, I say, again to myself.  I yield, I whimper, in my mind to the world.  As the tactical notion of the world comes to me, and I thrash around to make sense of things...  I see why it's still dark.  I'm under three sets of blankets!  The sun is up, if with the weakness that winter yields.  It IS cold, it is early, but the light... she shines.  Ahhhh... much better.  Today will be okay.  I'm still not all that awake, or lively, but I can smile.  I don't need the sun everyday.  You know my schedule darn near makes me more a vampire than townfolk.  But some days?  Especially with my incapacity lately to sleep but five to seven hours, and trying to hold some lines, and it turning cold, and some other things...  Today I needed the sun.  Thank you, God.  Amen.

Today?  I didn't get to much of my list yesterday.  I will keep those things on my list and push, plus look for a window of opportunity.  The cat litter is being shifted, the dishes keep getting fresh soaks, so I'm on the cusp of "greatness".  I am seeking, digging, pushing... but... often just against deadened flesh, not against the rest of the world.  Oh... never to worry, I think I can, and sooner rather than later.  I have been taking my medicine like a champ the last few days, all of it.  And I have been eating a bit every day.  I missed brushing my teeth last night though.  I hate the morning mouth when that gets missed.  I'll keep trying.

Now, you...  Get up, get out, and do it.  I don't care about like or want.  You have no idea what it is to be graced with flesh that yields to your will.  Use it.  Don't let that slip from you.  It seems easy, to no "do".  But it's not.  Go.  Do.  Live.  And love.  I can love.  I am mostly living.  But the rest is not always open to me.

Later.

Down late, up early, again.

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I still don't get that.  I was down at 1:00 or 2:00 again, but woke at 8:30?  Yeah, something like that.  At first I thought it would just be a Doom draining session.  I was deadset about going back to sleep.  I was, and remain, tired.  I simply could not figure my way back to sleep.  Oh, I suppose I could have with some sack work and just crawling back in.  But, then, I like being up in days and will hold onto them as long and well as I am able.  Sure, no physical alarm clock was involved, but some internal ones were.  Ugh.

Today?  Hmm...  I already reset the dishes to soak, and gave the big pots a rough wash.  I am hoping to finish those up, clean the litter pans out, take out the trash, cook another steak, and maybe start a small load or two of wash.  Will I get to any of it?  Dunno, but that is the goal.  Oh, and maybe soak a pot of beans so as to make chili, my way... hot as a furnace with half the places to go to escape it.  Yum!  I might even throw another shower in there somewhere, call to reschedule my haircut, and...  Twiddle my thumbs a lot too.  It will be a busy day, mostly twiddling thumbs though, even so.

No, no a prefect even little life.  But it is the only one in my locker.  The rest of them, or it, simply doesn't exist.  While I don't always know how, I do know that many handle my life for me, even in my solo seeming existence.  I don't know why, or how, I just know it.  If you ever stop and think, you will realize we are all carried.  You may think you are doing the bigger part of that.  All you have to do is change your environment, just a bit, to realize... you are only a small part of your own life.  What is Doom spouting off about?  Don't worry, just don't test me.  I'll not be made a fool of... not on some things.  It is okay to be unhappy about it, from time to time.  It is okay to be frustrated with life in general and confuse things.  It is not okay to stay ungrateful or become bitter.  Trust me.  Just enjoy your little perceptions, but know they aren't the whole of it, by far, even in your own life.  Trust a cripple to know, even if... even I don't fully understand.  In a word?  Magic.

Yes, I do see, and see you.  Oh, yes, you... all...  Remember, I am often invisible myself.  Oh, and thank you.  Good day.

Christmas was easy this year.

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Oh, I suppose I could do more.  But, really, I only have a few people I know and deal with regularly.  Hmm, I do need to get my local friend something.  Ah, a dinner out... no...  Perhaps a holster?  No, he always gets those right away.  Hmm...  A couple of visits, and find out what he could use.  The visits for sure, but I have been so... ill, or out of sorts.  I've left my home no more than... five or six times in the last two or three months.  Imagine that, and I hate that.  I like getting out, often just to be getting out.

My mother should be receiving her gifts shortly.  And people I regularly see, I gave them a little something.  Oh, and I have a few other things set aside for this and that.  I know, I know, it's not about commercialism.  But it is a good time of year to show direct appreciation.  I promise and forget or fail.  I mean to but don't.  It never works out as I would hope, or rarely.  So Christmas is the time to try to focus.  This year, as happens once in a while, I think I hit the spot for my mother.  I think she'll like what I got her and I got her a fair little bit.  Crazy woman, but crazy like a work all fox.  Yes, she should enjoy.  Not just sentiment or style, but also a return on all the food she has cooked through the years.  A way to make that easier for her, once in a while.

I had one of the steaks tonight.  Lord only knows how much I have missed steak.  It has been six month, maybe a year, since my last one.  I used to eat those weekly, sometimes more often.  But having a home undermined some of that.  And the price had become to steep until I saw a fair price yesterday.  I need to check the butcher shop for good prices, so as to buy a whole roast, or two, and set them up for leaner or higher priced times.  A steak a month, now, will have to do.  Makes great gifts though, truly.  Ah, and having real whipping cream for my coffee!  So much better than canned or dry or even just plain (even if whole) milk.  Yum!

I best get to bed, shortly... after one little problem.  Oh, I did set the dishes to soak last night, then reset them, twice so far, today.  I just couldn't get to them.  But the fresh soaks have been... lifting the gunk up and off.  Should be easy to clean in the morning... if I can get to them.

Good night.

I truly hate medicine.

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Oh, I like what it is doing, over time.  But getting on it and staying on it is a trick I haven't mastered.  It looks like I missed a day and a half, which is why I was feeling a bit better.  Not great, but I was coming out of the fog a bit.  I got back on them yesterday and I'm back to troubling times.  I know it gets better, but the time to get on them is rough.

I didn't get to bed until about 1:00 or 2:00.  I did make it to town, bought meats, milk, and cream.  Forgot butter.  Oh well.  I did see ribeye at $7 a pound, so bought several.  I did make it to the local Christmas meal and enjoyed some of the show after, but had to leave.  I am a bit twitchy in a crowd, but I myself have gotten used to it.  It doesn't always bug me, unless I am really tired.  But I think it does make other people nervous.  So... I try not to be a bother.  Now, when I get used to larger venues I can learn to settle a bit more, but that takes both practice and familiarity.  When I was going to college I eventually settled down.  Some of my classes had 500 people in them, if usually only half ever showed up.  My smallest classes had 15 to 30 people, but that's still a large number for someone who has been singular for a long time.  I am definitely out of practice.

The trip last night became quite dangerous.  The road into town was just fine.  However in town it looks as if they got freezing rain.  I slowed way down and put the X'ter in 4-high.  Then I saw the salt truck pass.  I went ahead and did my shopping, but very carefully.  I passed a pretty rough looking accident.  A lot of vehicle damage, but no one looked hurt.  I saw a woman driver, and the way things were set, it looks like she was at fault.  Cynical about some things as I am, I passed on clucking.  With roads like those, there are no good drivers.  Good thing, to, I think.  After shopping, I had to come back the way of the accident.  As I came over the little bridge, with 4-high engaged, even at a very low speed, I lost traction and slid.  If there had been an oncoming car or even if I had been going five miles an hour faster, I would have had an accident.  The salt truck must not have come this way or it didn't work.  White knuckle driving indeed.  As I was leaving town I was just praying that what had hit down hadn't gone on to cover the road home.  To my great relief it hadn't.  I didn't see anything coming in to town, but then that doesn't always mean much if the humidity is light or... given time in the store that it might not have hit. 

I woke late today.  But it was so cold last night, the first serious hard cold I can remember.  Or at least I think the hardest chill this year.  To the bone.  I did wake early, but couldn't quite make it out.  Restarting meds again again might be part of it to.  Gosh I hate medicines.  I love what they are doing, and will keep trying, but...  Yeah.  Later.

Not bad, just strange.

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I did get out!  Woot!  On the way I thought to stop for milk and cream.  I am out.  I realized I did not have what it would take to do that.  Want meet "no".  It was a will thing.  The way is there, I just can't use it.  Tired of mind to the point that getting to town was a push.  As such, I couldn't get down enough from the "excitement" to get to bed until about 2:00.  I was up at 7:00, a little before actually, anyway.  Whatever.  I am taking my meds and doing some other things regularly, little things.  It's what I can do.  I have a community meal to attend tonight.  And maybe tomorrow or the following day I would like to go in to town to hit the stores.

A side note...  What is annoying is having been brushing teeth for a lifetime, and gotten used to the gag reflex, mitigated it... but when so completely and utterly exhausted, I lose that sometimes.  *gakh*  That's not right!  Funny, but not right.  I was thinking, that must be what cats go through right before producing their three ounce bouncing baby furball.  *gakh*  Probably serves me right.  For all those times in second through twelfth when I could fake a gagging sound that would get a bunch of sympathy from girls in my nahe.  Only they weren't joking. *splat, splat, splat spat splat*  Wee!  Teachers really, truly, hated me sometimes.  Good thing I moved often.  *gakh!!!*

I had the oddest dream.  I was working in some sh... third world poverty center.  My mission wasn't important to the dream, only some things about the man I had to work with.  He was an honest small-time crook.  He couldn't be trusted, or paid, except when what he offered was solid, and after it proved out.  The only reason he was being trusted was that the general effort was something that he supported, as much with his life as that type can be trusted to support as such.  I really don't like liking those guys.

He lived in, and did his side business, from a tattered restaurant.  His wife and younger children stayed in the living portion, having nothing to do with the eatery or shady business.  He had four sons, two were old enough to begin earning money.  School was survival, failure a serious easy option, regardless of guilt or innocence.  It's a mean life there.  We spoke, often, to pass time between events, meetings, and other business at hand.

We discussed his sons.  One, the eldest, had definitely chosen to follow in his father's footsteps.  He was being groomed to take over but that was still a long time off.  His path, however, was set.  The next eldest son was dithering.  He didn't fancy doing the hard work of a low level godfather.  The choices, the dirty, the mean, the nasty.  It's not a job for the timid.  The father was... for all his faults... a loving father.  He was looking for something for his son, something else.  I asked about college, an education.  Hey, I was young then.  Still believed in some things, if those things have decidedly gone down hill since even then.

The father just laughed at me.  Seeming inarticulate, uncouth, ignorant, was just a cover.  The man was well aware of the world in which he lived, the truths of the world, and even touched wisdom from time to time.  He flat out told me he would not support that.  Intelligentsia, he told me, had gone off the rails of seeking the truth and into some sort of codified lying about what is researches, how it tests, and what it is allowed to write.  If he wanted to send his son into the world of make-believe, he would send him into the theater, which he wouldn't do to save his life.  So... the academy was out.  Maybe the military, or an apprenticeship.  Plumbers, tailors, soldiers, sailors, they do honest work for an honest if modest living.

I asked about his daughters?  Marriage.  In a hard land, they have no place in hard business.  They simply become commodities for bosses, business in general to cut wages, and as birth control should they choose employment.  He wanted grandkids and wouldn't truck otherwise.  Other than that, he left them to the care and instruction of his wife, put food in their belly, a roof over their head, bought them birthday presents, and otherwise left them alone.  He suggested he was a better father for it, in his country, than most.

The man impressed me.  I said I don't like liking these sorts.  But some of them?  Better than others.  This one was doing what he could to improve his and his family's lot.  He lived with a mean government and nasty people, in a dirty nation barely with indoor running water and some electricity.  He was honest to his family, straight with "business", dirty as that was, and had a reasonable local and even international... reputation.  Simply, he was a better man than I.  Things like that learn you.

There was more to the dream, his dirty little deals, his willingness to threaten and do physical harm but a reluctance to step over 'that' line save for life or limb, and a few other odds and ends of good, bad, ugly, and just strange.  Odd dream, but... more like memories.  Who?  Where?  When?  Or... just a dream of a man in the middle of a social and economic perpetual hurricane?  Dunno.  But I do remember the lessons.  And I still don't like liking such men, or more the reality such men are faced with.

Later.

So very odd.

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I'm back to a regular sleep cycle, but an odd one.  In spite of being tired, sort of wiped out, and "floaty"(tm), I am actually only sleeping about six hours a night.  Further, as distracted as I am, I can still do some things quite normally.  If you viewed, from the outside, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference.  Inside, it's like there is a lot of pressure pressing down on me.  That could be high blood pressure, or something.  It does feel physical but I can't quite figure it out.

Other than what has been coming in I haven't been eating.  While I got dinner tonight, I think I might go to town and grab a quick easy bite.  Maybe the drive and night air will do me good.  Certainly doing something unusual is a good thing.  Mazzy Star is haunting my thoughts, when listening to her or not.  The girl is good, I'll give her that.  While it almost seems accidental, it's more practiced than I would want to imagine.  Accidents, in music, are messy, such as most jazz, and not to my taste.  Baroque is as close to accidental and incidental as my notions can allow.

Hmm, yeah, got the haiku out then up.  I'm glad I can put them out like that or I would have missed.  If I do nothing else, there is that.  It seems such a small thing, but it's not.  It's a link, for me, to the world, and other people.  I rarely like my poems.  I'm not even sure how I can write them, being as... expressive as I am.  I don't do... twitter... is it... because of the brevity required.  Sure, I could, I suppose, but I won't.  So... haiku doesn't make sense for me.  At all.  Still, I do it, and weekly if it's there and if the contest happens.

Yeah... Hungry again.  Later.  No, make that good night. 

Stoned?

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When talking with the people at the heart clinic, I indicated that I feel a little stoned.  No, you know Doom doesn't touch crazy stuff.  Coffee, perhaps beer from time to time and usually limited to a couple, is as heavy as I have ever done.  In spite of drinking coffee, high dose, as my usual lately, I simply feel detached.  I can only assume marijuana, for regular users, gives them this sense of things.  Me?  I don't like feeling like this, I simply don't have a way out of it.  Psychological?  No, but a lot of people who have physical problems that cause this are susceptible to the suggestion of others and go on to trust their foolishness.  I've become a hard mental target.  I simply don't trust, nor does suggestion work on me anymore.

Ah, some rock I can dig.

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So much of rock is... well... entertaining but... lacks any real substance.  Some of it simply doesn't make sense.  And, yea, sure, there is a place for that.  There is also a place for rock that makes sense and is rightly minded.  I have seen some rockers take a stand and support the right things, but rarely in their music.  Until now.  And, yes, I think I can do that.  They have a couple of songs that work.  One isn't commercially viable, to my understanding.  The other probably so, if just for a subset of the population at this point.  I'd be curious to see which you think is which, and why.

The magic of words.

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No, not abracadabra or alahkazam.  No word holds magic.  No grouping of words, no matter how difficult or nonsensical, can bring about a change that doesn't come from expression and understanding.  From those two words, however, monumental change can be had.  The two most magical words, spoken with sincerity, humility, assertively, or how ever spoken if aligned with events, can truly move mountains.  Please and thank you have worked wonders in my life, given and received.  But these aren't the only words, almost any word, group of words, or phrases, elicit the only form of magic we know.

Simple words, such as "this" and "that", can be used for a set meaning.  Add them together, into nearly a sing song phrase, and you can build a shield.  "What were you doing in town for so long?" "This and that."  It is a weak shield.  It is a first line of defense.  In some cases, if one wishes to be obscure, or is too tired to discuss the issue, more work my have to be put into the effort.  But it works as a quick defense from minor incursions, and barring it working as such, buys time to contemplate a secondary strategy. 

Language is a beautiful thing.  It allows us to do what animals can't, save by scent or other things.  Even an animal can see many things, probably have emotional reactions to those things.  They even learn whether a particular thing they see, or feeling they get, is good for them or bad for them, within their understandings.  But they cannot share what they see, feel, or think.  We take that one step further, and begin to take communication and turn it into artistic expression.  A luxury upon a skill, evoking thought, emotions, stirring memories, creating memories.

Yes, magic.  The magic is in us.  Words merely unleash the potential.  So, the next time you marvel at words, spoken or written, understand that without you there would be no magic.  I am not sure which is the lock and which is the key.  I don't think it is quite that simple.  Not all words sent are receivable by all, even considering the words are understood on a basic language level.  Not even all words sent and received are understood as they were intended.  And yet... here we are.  Magic.

To bed late, up early anyway.

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The last few days have been anomalies.  I am very tired, season, medication toils, and just because.  I am tinkering with a new game, however, one that is rather involved.  The game has been keeping my on my toes and interested, if at times infuriated.  Something about just desserts, but that isn't the point AND hushut up.  I believe *blink blink* that it was after midnight and closer to or past 1:00 when I collapsed into a pile of goo, after being up early yesterday, in the 6:00-7:00 region, after having gone to bed around 1:00-2:00.  I played most of the day.  I won a game on easy, after several tries.  Unlike most games, if you don't manage several areas of the game, on top of the main part, you get to a point where advancing is impossible.

I woke to the most fantastic whistling.  I knew what it was.  A hawk, a bigger one.  As I came to, however, I realized it was just a dream, probably.  Sometimes those beautiful things we thought we understood were no such thing.  Our minds, the world, and people, deceive us.  It seems so cruel, people can be brutally harsh, even our own mind seems half created to break us.  Foolish to hope, I thought.  Then... something.  It came again, then a third time.  Some days... some days you get something mildly special, deserving or not.

You have several choices when playing a game like this.  You can... crack open the manual or otherwise research the variables, then hit it hard or soft, figuring the finer details as you go.  The other options involve less to no research and jumping in as if getting beat like a rude man at a boxer's convention.  I almost always choose the latter.  Oh, I try to auto-correct on the way, but it is akin to bowling.  Once the ball is gone, or really, once you are in your stance, and have pulled back the ball... adjustments go from rather limited to there being no means of adjustment, and in the blink of any eye.

After a couple days of bloody noses, restarting the game after from up to ten hours of play or as little as two, yet refusing to read the manual or do too much exact research (I don't want someone else to play my game!), I made it through the first time, if on the easy setting.  Not bad, really.  I have to think few could do that, if nothing else the frustration level would keep most people away from playing that many hours.  And I did figure out what is needed, and what has to be sacrificed to get it, at the lower levels.  I have started looking at the trophies, which adds another tier of complexity to the game.  Oh, this will keep me busy for a while.  At least another week.  I thought it might last months, but... no, I don't think that is there.

Yeah, it's a stupid thing.  But I can do it, it pushes me in ways I can handle, and it keeps my noodle working.  It's what I've got, folks.  If I could be a plumber, I would.  If I could make solid wood dressers, sure, I'd be at it.  If I could get through engineering school, I'd be doing that.  This is, literally, for me, right now, as good as it gets.  Take it or leave it, that is my only choice.

I don't go back until early January, or so, to the doctors.  I'm doing my best with medicine, but I honestly am hazy, with or without games.  Actually, I pulled this title in the hopes it might help me keep my wires crossed.  It doesn't seem to, so far, hurt or help.  I think I have an haircut coming up.  I'll call and find out today, if I can remember.  I think it is Tuesday.  My old phone had the calendar.  Don't know if it still does, might have to check it.  Gah!  I hate that part, hadn't even thought of it.  Hmm?  That's all folks.


Good day.