Infinites.

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I must admit, the notion of creating an infinite, while I was certain of the fact, was not readily understood by even me at the time.  Even now it is not perfectly clear.  A dream, from which I just woke from, offered some help.  Much as the notion of sinning against the Holy Spirit, or the anger or pleasure of God in spite of knowing that God is unchanging, are things that probably defy complete understanding.  Still, I will dispense with what the dreams suggested.

Infinites are, taken to the root and additives, then passed down through time and leveled to current understanding, at least to my understanding, are creations that once begun never end.  The first such mechanism as such, save for those born with the mark perhaps, if arguably, was the simple act of conception.  We did not choose that.  Our parents didn't not choose us, or their own infinity.  And so it went back to before there were men.  None chose but One.  Why He chose can be parsed, but not with absolute certainty.  Though no lust of loin was involved in His productivity.  Though, perhaps as our image might indicate, a lust for life... a lust for more... a lust for kin.  These things, certainly.  But a right lust.  Angels were the first.

So the first of infinites we had contact with was the creation of our being.  Those who have a soul, or gain one, will know forever.  They have become infinite.  Though, too, I think some can make changes.  It is in their design to do so.  Things that change everything forever.  Did I do that the other night?  All I will tell you is that it... seems like it.  What did I change?  Dunno.  I blinked, in a certain way, half in sleep, half awake, but on a very different than usual mindset, and... something changed.  Or... that's my story.  If I did it correctly, say truly shifted the color perceived, but did it correctly so that it was as if that is the way it had always been, then how would anyone know?  *wink*  I just hope I didn't make some small nation/state sized population just go temporarily insane while it tries to figure out why pork now tastes like chicken!

Tricksters, it is said, can make changes.  Seemingly at will.  Fighters of good, who often mess up when not doing what they are created to do.  Vacations go astray, idle hands... all those other sayings... only put onto the head of a world changer, a world destroyer.  I suppose, even a head cold, a fever, and a sneeze right at the right moment in a thought, and... things happen.

Gaming.

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With nothing else happening as I would hope, but with the shelf constructed in the living room, console gaming is what I have been doing.  It requires me to think, it keeps me awake, it offers challenges, and something to do.  It has been ages since I last played.  And, actually, in the last few weeks I have finished three games.  Two and a start on another, actually, come to think more clearly on it.  It beats looking at a computer screen all day, over and over, with the theoretical memory of a goldfish.  Wait, make that three and an half games.  If I like the game, and the trophies can be had offline, I'll go for them.  None of these games are like that.  The two games I would go for trophies with require at least coop, though probably online play.  I have no interest in that.

Do many people even play console games anymore?  Or do they mostly only play the multiplayer sections?  I despise, at this point, online games.  If people there played with intensity, instead of sniffing out sex and age, and wanting to talk not play, and were worth a crap, I'd have some slight more interest.  I started asking what sex they preferred.  Then I told them to imagine I am just the opposite, and old too.  :)  What is creepy is that doesn't even always work.  I'll stick to solo gaming, at this point.

It's about bedtime.  Looks like people just dropped off lately.  I hope everyone is doing well.

Oh... if next week holds, weather-wise, and I can get out early, I am hoping to head out hiking some day in there.  Probably later in the week.  I'd really like to push getting some cleaning in the kitchen.  That would help me get back into physical and mental shape to head out, perhaps.  Where I will be hiking is around 8,100 feet.  So I may just take a jacket, water, and a few minor trinkets including just a bit of food, in a fanny pack.

I am hoping that little infinity might allow me to begin getting back on my feet.  Sure it's just a story.  But, then, that is all we are.  And, in some ways, that is exactly what God is.  Or, at least, how we know Him.  Go on, rest and enjoy.  I believe I am going to begin, perhaps, gearing up for Sunday reflections...  Call it a layman's sermon, based on the readings of the day... maybe.  Not sure I can get one it tomorrow, but I might.  Good night.

Creating an infinite.

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What that means, mind you, I could not tell you.  I will tell you my theory, however, and suggest that just such an incident has occurred.

My theories goes something like this.  While there is only one God, there are many children of God (who have the seed from which Children of God can be born/fulfilled), there are also many similar, or have been and maybe will be, but of flesh.  The children of God have a potential that is only realizable... initially... in spirit.  Those who go to heaven will be that realization.  Those who know that, but only of flesh, will perish... give or take, in some way, or diminish(?), when the old earth is no more, destroyed by fire, and the new earth takes it's place.  Though I suggest there are precious few who are of the flesh sort who have been called.  I'm... not exactly sure what that means.  Perhaps being called, and abiding, provides a path to redemption.  Though it might well not.  Not a worry, since called, being taught, and accepting, my fate is of little consequence.  God's will is the only consequence.

So, only those who yet bear the mark of Cain have no mortal... fleshly... or immortal... heavenly... claim.  Who those are, as I have mentioned... there is room for debate.  My guess is, despite having surrendered authority in these areas... though that is natural and right for the church as hope faith and charity are her graces, calling, and deserts for those who seek to know to be just.  The secular, government, and us rowdy sons, of various natures, are for protection and meting out justice... wrongly or rightly, but sometimes the church has to be shushed, and the work done.  Just as women have no head for civil or social justice, the church, as the bride to Christ, has no courage in this area, so terribly as to often choose the wrong side out of her nature.  Much as women do.

So...  Last night I went through an odd thing.  I did a minor reality reset and created an infinity.  Large, small?  I am not sure there is such a thing, or more, they are the same.  Just different.  Never worry your head.  It'll ache and you won't be able to eat that relational solemnitude of the fathomless sublime even with the will and Word.  All I know is something changed.  I am suffering, though in this case that is a good thing, the psionic boom from the creation.

Oh, yes.  Heavens yes.  Many religions have it that the Coyote, Crow, Raven, or whoever... whatever??? maybe all of us, actually almost certainly all of us in our ways save those with the mark, are minor creators.  Tricksters change things of flesh, unless they are human tricksters.  Then I think it is difficult for them.  Change, for them, takes work.  Those with a soul, regardless of what they believe, create.  But on more of a spiritual plane for now.  To create as a trickster is too potent of a thing... for soulbearers.  We are creative us, the many of us.  Just not the Creator.  Though, perhaps, in time, that is the destiny for some.  Some of us, perhaps, already have a taste of this nature.  I tell you, I reset something, then... Well...  I don't know.  I suspect, however, as with the blue being my favorite color video thing, which it is, whatever the change?  It's for me to know and you to, probably, never find out.  *wink*

Yes, yes I am praising God.  If what I suggest is true, it is minor compared to His works.  Like a child putting on his Father's shirt, and slogging around in shoes that are way too big... even if I did reset and shart an infinity... to Him?  That merely means diaper change and nap time.  *grins*  Well... that's my story.  I am sticking to it.

Later.  *poof*

Oh well.

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There simply isn't a way to get up and get going.  I went to bed a bit later, and woke a bit later.  Not that those things are always or necessarily tied.  I know I dreamed.  I remember none of it.  Pleasant mundane, from what little I can recall of the reaction more than what happened.

I did take a shower, nearly first thing.  There was hope that a shower would kick the system over.  Nope.  Always good, just not always any more helpful than not.  A bit to eat, and then medicine.  Since then I have just been tinkering and gaming.  Perhaps this afternoon I will do some work in the kitchen, and maybe boil eggs.  It's a... hope.

While I have taken care of some business, there is more business to arrange.  I need to, over the weekend, line up what I have to tend.  Then do it Monday.  So far I haven't fallen off the track, but time is ticking away on a couple of things.  Ugh...  Later.

Oh, hey...

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I sometimes brag.  Sometimes it is about my friends.  One of them recently took a trip to Europe.  She created a spoof movie review.  However, it really impressed me.  Better than what I have been paying to see for years.  I was simply impressed with what she did, what can be done... amazing work.  I put this out both in salute, but also to let others know just what is possible.  Very well done foam.  Truly, an amazing little bit of work.  Oh, did I mention, she has been convalescing since her return.

Dreams.

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Three to be precise.  The first was totally different, the next two were... associated.
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In the first dream, according to remembered chronology, a woman came to stay with me.  She was a refugee from some part of Europe, say Poland or Romania.  War.  Not a large war, a local, family, war.  An old blood feud between some of the powerful houses had broken out.  Some, as with this woman, chose to escape.  She had no close family ties, to either side, and was not married either.  So she was at great risk and with no real means of self-defense against the various soldiers.  I believe my church had brought her in, and had sort of just told me to take her in.  So, yeah, I did.

She spoke English, if not really well.  She spoke her own tongue, but only as a native.  She didn't know the language really well, structurally or such.  It either wasn't taught or was not her forte.  Still, we worked on language up front, and tried to learn to communicate and to teach each other.  She was a pretty enough woman.  Middle aged, a younger middle-age than myself.  Even so. probably not virginal, so of little interest.  A younger woman who makes a mistake is somewhat forgivable.  A middle-aged woman who has been on several and more casting couches is not.  I just didn't get the sense that she could have children anyway.  Still, I was as friendly as possible.  And, personably.  She was a fine seeming woman, in the general way.  And I did have sympathy for her plight.

We did become friends.  She had much curiosity, and I fed that as much as possible.  I was given a small stipend for her overstay, which I used to feed her books and some travel, what went beyond food and household expenses.  I am just as curious as she was.  It was fine to share in a search for history, knowledge, wisdom, and understanding.  I even tutored her with English, tried with math but she became frustrated with that very quickly.  Still, I did insist on just a bit of mathematics.  Simple functions, fractions, and minor bookkeeping.  I let her catch my checkbook up from the last four years.  Not because I need, or want, that, but because she would eventually be on her own and need to understand dollars and cents.

On one of our trips, some of her enemies, who happen to have traveled here seeking other enemies but who found her and started to hunt her, interrupted our travels.  Between me being armed, and trained (far better than the thugs who attacked), thus saving us from dying that way, she had also, in fleeing while the gun battle occurred, slipped and fallen over a path, and was hanging on for dear life.  After dispatching or chasing off the hooligans, I found her, told her to be calm and relax as much as possible, that I would be right back.  She thought I would need to go into town, so was extremely surprised when I literally returned in a few minutes with rope.  I had a harness too, but it was far too big for her, and would have been a danger.  I tied a few loops that would work for legs and torso, and lowered it to her.  She was able, with simple instruction and taking of some minor risk, able to get into the rig.  At which time I pulled her up.  She laughed and was pleased, and suggested I was just like John Wayne.  Funny how they, over there, some of them, still remember him and Americans don't.

That night she offered herself to me.  Not... rudely.  Not... rightly, in a secular way.  I let her know I was celibate.  Though I... also showed her that I could, and showed her that I was interested, while refraining from actually engaging.  I wanted to make sure she didn't... misunderestimate.  If anything, I impressed her further.  If too, she hated me for it.

Soon, though, her time was coming to leave.  We talked, and wondered.  We found out as much as we could to ease her mind.  On the last day, I... broke my oath.  She didn't want to, by then, but didn't resist.  I made love to her that whole day, in many ways.

A few months later, she let me know that she was indeed pregnant.  That she had been a virgin until me.  I told her I would accept her, but not as a wife, as a house servant.  But that I would respect the child as my own.  If she wanted to stay with me.  I don't know if she accepted, but I think in time she did.

Hey, keep any judgements in YOUR pants.  It was, after all, simply a dream.
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The next two, while they differ in a major way, about a major point, are two parts to a tale of searching.  The story is based in India, where I am seeking specific components for a non-metal, non-leather armor.  Personal armor, sort of like what knights or samurai wore.  I had researched on ancient cultures and had stumbled upon two types of armor that, it was written, were made from types of grains or seeds.  The grains were only grown, unmodified to a degree from their original types, in a few places in the world.  In both cases, it seems some of the more traditional parts of India would at least get me started.  I even had dna samples from the original grains by which to compare the crops reported to be of the same traditional strains.
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The first part of the dream, I was just me.  I do have a way with these things.  If I have the energy.  In foreign countries, especially at the lower end of the economic scales, where governments are somewhere between weak, arrogant, corrupt, and the rest, and the people can be kind to absolutely depraved, without always being able to tell when or where you will interact with what, it takes... instinct and the will to do what it takes to survive.  Best to know who is approaching, and why.  And yet best not seem like a killswitch.  Balance, nuance.

As I said, I was searching for a few farms that might still grow some ancient crops.  India is hot and muggy often.  There is some variance, but, really, especially for someone like me, it is just... hot and muggy or hotter and muggier.  I sometimes hired a sort of long distance taxi service.  Somewhat of a taxi plus a guide and a second for security.  I still had connections, and those connections have connections everywhere.  For a bit of kit, I might have to do some kibootle.  I grab a clean connection, then I deliver a package.  Nothing technically illegal, but sure as shit to get me shot if found.  But, hey, who wants to live forever?

The rest of the dream was just... boring.  I found two sources of one of the grains, and secured the crop and next year growing season, just to make sure.  Plus, if I found grains that were more true to what I was looking for, both farmers had been willing to forgo their normal seeds for a year or two, possible more, so long as their current seed would be saved for their future use, or kept in production some other way.  Tit for tat, farmer, .mil, .intel, .woman...  Just the way it goes.  Then that part of the dream ended.
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The next part of the dream was a bit odd.  In it I was a woman.  Talk about tit and tat.  Never mind.  Anyway...  Somehow I, as a woman, took over the operation, but before I as a man had begun it.  My plan to get to India was a bit different.  Women really do have to do things differently.  It just doesn't pay to try to bravado their way through things.  Security had to be beefed up.  And even with it, as a woman, it was a concern.  Especially with India becoming a terribly murderously raping nation, in some parts.  The horror stories out of there are pretty rough.  That's was social pressure to only have sons and the technology to get what you wish... but then unbalance everything.  Why not just change the marriage system so that dowries aren't so crushing?  Why not a lot of things.  But that isn't our call, and it certainly isn't as easy as it sounds.  I'm not even sure they are even trying, or looking at options.

Anyway, the rest of the dream was similar to it's... sister dream... brother dream?  Only a lot more fussing.  Crazy.  A man, such as myself in real life, can go wherever and do whatever, and just... do it.  A woman wants to plan, needs a shower or bath and privacy and clean clothes and... and... and...  Gah!  That part of the dream about drove me batshit.

No, ladies, and women, and broads, you are not equal.  You can't "just do", or "just go", or "not worry".  Anyway... those were the dreams. 
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So strange.

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A mix, of breeds, natures, and more.  Often a mixture becomes it's own thing.  Sometimes, in this case at this time, it is two things at once, two different, contrary, things.

Dazed, lost a bit, no energy.

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Medicines are right.  Food is pretty good, even with that minor loss of meat.  I am staying hydrated.  Nights are very pleasantly cool and I am sleeping well.  And yet it simply doesn't matter.  I can't seem to get started on things.

I called about my health registration.  I don't need an extension unless I don't get the stuff going by the 16th of next month.  I will begin trying to find a doc who won't rip me off for whatever reason.  The only thing the DMV has any concern regarding is the diabetes.  They told me that the last time we talked, and suggested that was the case again. 

I can't believe everything is going so well and still I am so stuck.  Not ill, not in pain, not anything.  Not even freefloating (accidentally transcendental).  I am simply not able to do much.  The weather is changing, given the givens, fairly strongly.  From 40's to 80's for a bit, highs and lows, to 70's to 90's/100's maybe.  But bouncing back and forth.  Maybe I am simply not able to catch up? 

Good night.

It looks like all is good.

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My day was off yesterday.  Today, though, starting with last night, all went back to normal.  I was in bed by 22:30 and asleep fairly shortly thereafter.  I set the alarm for 8:00, as an emergency backstop.  I was awake by 5:30, though I don't think I crawled out until 6:00 or 6:30.  No complaints.  It was a great day to enjoy just resting in bed.  Nice and cool, like fall or spring.  And it was early enough that I didn't mind wasting a little bit of time doing so.

It feels more like fall than summer.  The last few days have been really nice, that way.  I suppose if you love summer more than fall or spring, or prefer your season not to mix, then it wouldn't be so good.  Dreams, too, last night.  Though nothing stuck.  Lots of dreaming lately.  It just isn't being remembered well.  They say you dream 27 or 29 times a night.  They say lots of things.  If you believe them, that's your choice. I don't, not necessarily.  They have proven to be wrong, way wrong, more often than they have proven to be right.  And as things stand, my trust seems to be going in the same direction as their skill and honesty.  Downhill.

I did cook meat yesterday.  Unfortunately I made it far too smokey.  Yes, there is such a thing as too much smoke taste in food, at least for me.  And, honestly, it isn't all that much.  Odd how some meats will take smoke so harshly and quickly, while other meats simply will not accept that smoke flavor.  I honestly wonder if there are a lot more factors than can practically be negotiated without working in an otherwise environmentally controlled environment?  At least in places with all four real seasons.  I am honestly going to be tossing the meat out.  It is done perfectly otherwise, simply too smokey.  Well, the beef ribs anyway.  I am going to try the pork roast.  Pork seems to handle a heavier smoke, though it too has some limits.

A few phone calls shortly.  Perhaps some work in the kitchen.  Part of my plans for a trip this fall.  Though, too, perhaps another visit.  For as unrelenting and ornery a seeming cuss as I present...  I'm simply surprised at some things, is all.  :p  It'll be a pricey little drive around the country.  But I will be seeing places I have never seen before, visiting some folk sight yet unseen and maybe an origins, from online, pair of friends, and just... traveling.  If I could afford it I would travel more often.

Well, on with things.  Later.

Ah, finally.

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Going back to bed was successful.  I did set the alarm for 9:00.  I heard it, but was in the middle of an... extended dream sequence.  I was solving something, and teaching it as I was solving it.  I can't remember what, exactly.  I was teaching a number of people who, when I initially spoke of the notion, seemed interesting in having me explore that train of thought.  To do so I need to fulfill some practical applications, contemplation, and run some numbers both of the mechanical type and of probability and statistics.  I did sort it out, but it took until 10:30, or so, in real time, to cook the numbers and come to a conclusion.  Mind you, conclusions are ongoing affairs... subject to error revision and new information.  Still... the model created was within significant parameters.  I wish I could remember.  I think it... has some application and would be interesting to have checked while awake.  As I have mentioned, sometimes those dream sequences prove out, sometimes they don't, once awake.  This one, I am almost sure, would have proven out.

All good though.  I received the rest I needed as well.  Some dreams, in which I work, don't allow resting.  Some, especially of this sort, do allow me to sleep well concurrently.  I was absolutely bedraggled that first time I woke.  I wasn't even sure I could get back to sleep.  Now I feel like I, in the last months/years have learned to know after sleep.  You can't imagine what not ever getting fully rested, for decades, can do to you.  Some it drives to madness, true, unrecoverable, insanity.  Some just die inside, and never make it out.  Some of us just never quit.  And, when we find it, we normalize like nobody's business.  Even thank God for both the experience so as to understand some unique things, to know privation and so enjoy "normalcy", and a few other things.  Suffering can be a grace, once you let go of your notions of fairness, or belief that you don't deserve it, among other things.  So I think God.  He has, directly or not, brought me to a greater appreciation of Wisdom... and of something so simple as a good night of rest.

I am in today.  I am trying to wake.  Then I will consider making a few phone calls, boil eggs for the week, and grill meats for the week as well.  It's cloudy, and cool.  Yum!  I do love that cool.  I am also working through more kefir and refilling whey water.  I used nearly a quart on the grains I just cooked.  Plus, it would be good to hit the kitchen.  I hit the bathroom, slightly, yesterday.  And I have been doing little odd jobs in the kitchen.  Just nothing massive, yet.  Maybe today, or not.  :p

Be well, and later.

No real sleep.

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I can't say why, only that, so far, I haven't been able to sleep.  It is wonderfully cool.  I did sort of rest, off and on, for about four hours.  I was up late, finishing the grain cooking... had to do it in two batches, then let each cool before storing away.  Well, and I wasn't the speediest of kitchen help last night.  I'm going back to bed!  I hope to get some sleep.  But I'll set the timer for, say, 9:00.  I simply don't want to lose the morning, or if possible to avoid wreck my day schedule.  I have a few business calls to make today, as well.  Bleh.  I hate business but there it is.  Later?  Good night?  Good morning?  I don't think I was made for conventions, so I have no clue which one would be most appropriate always.  Yes, unconventional.  Good later morning!

Almost.

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Almost ran over a biker.  Hog type.  A nice looking rig, say a 50's or 60's style big bike, with metalic paint... seriously older school, though maybe not original to date... or seriously updated.  The kid (to me... and early middle age, I think, though perhaps younger), was suited up right.  I was heading down the road, minding my own business, going speed limit plus five (or you get honked at on that spit of road, in spite of it being busy and narrow).  I get right up to the intersection, maybe 15 feet from it.  He is stopped at a stop sign.  Without looking, he jumps right out in front of me, spots himself the middle of the road, and doesn't even kick it, just puts on.  There was no way for me to slow in time.  Thankfully the oncoming lane is clear.

I whizzed around him, perhaps honk on my way.  I am pissed.  I had to use every bit of my dexterity and strength to avoid having a Harley grill ornament.  Mad?  Not quite, more... shocked.  Anyway, I slam on the breaks, hop out, and I think, for the second time that day and in as many minutes, the biker shats himself.  Nothing like almost getting hit, then having a bear come out of the vehicle hollering and approaching.  Yeah, I realized to stop my approach, but gave him a good... talking to.  Mad?  No, just... don't want to see the lad dead.  I asked if he saw me, but knew he didn't, he hadn't looked.  Then I just told him if he can't focus he ought to take a nap, or timeout, or drive something else.  Then I got back into my rig and headed out.

Just glad I didn't run him over.  I had almost no time to react.  And, while I like the Xterra, it handles a bit like a tank.  Still, I got it done, no blood, no foul, no morgue or hospital visit.  Dang kids.  All good.

I checked on spelt.  Best to buy berries.  Quinoa is quite expensive.  I'm going to try another type that is a bit less expensive.  It's not golden, more a tan... or even rock... color.  A twenty five pounder would last about a year.  I'm not sure if the seed stays good that long though.  One part of that, to two parts both brown rice and lentils or other legumes.  That's been some good food.  Unfortunately, neither brown rice nor, I think, quinoa, store well.  I best check on quinoa.  If it does, it might be good to get two or three bags, just make sure to rotate.  Too pricey to waste, that.;

Milk and cream and a few other things.  Oh, and made it to the post office before any of my packages were returned.  It had to be close.  I sort of forgot, then just generally lost track of the world out there.  I have a phone call or two to make today, and a few ideas I need to begin considering.  The best path to Texas, where to stay along the way, etc.  There is even a blogger and family along the way.  I don't wish to... disturb.  And I am disturbing.  Still... a cup of coffee and few words, perhaps, on the way, would be good.  You never know, but you can suspect.  Oh, and always a few other things.  Might be getting too late for business, but... I can give it a shot or three.  Later.

Excellent sleep.

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For as warm, hot, as it gets, I have been able to sleep well enough.  The ac carries me into sleep then sustains me through sleep for a full night.  This morning, right at 7:00 anyway, when I remembered to check, the e-thermo suggested it was 50.  I can't really trust that one though, for some reason... sometimes.  Yep, fifteen minutes later, and the sun has been shining for a while, and the fluid thermo reads at about 43 F.  Nice.  Very nice, really.

I am hoping to wake well enough and soon enough to get the trash out to the bin and then to the curb.  Maybe recycling too, depending on what the neighbors are showing.  Coffee, and after getting the trash sorted, a shower.  I'd like to find my finger(toe)nail clippers and take care of those too.  Yeah, I really do have to use toenail clippers.  Even then, I have to go around and clip, say, three times on my bigger nails.  And I remind, I consider, for my size, my hands to be petite, my fingers thin.  Hmm...  Nothing else until shopping later tonight, perhaps.

Well... on with the day.  I have a few convalescents still in my prayer list, too.  I am sure I am on prayer lists, but it probably isn't that I get better.  :p  Not all of it, for sure.  They don't even know they, usually, are doing me a favor, as futile as that is.  *grins*  Besides, if I have to lump it, so do they.  *chuckling*  Just one of those mornings.  Later.

Nothing done.

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A shower was taken, food was eaten.  It was simply too hot for me.  I was able to manage by doing little and judicious use of the ac and fans.  Some days the mid 70's seem okay.  Some days they don't.  I thought the shower would have helped but it really didn't.  I suppose I did a few things.  I cleared off one of the areas in the kitchen and set lentils, rice, and quinoa to soak.  With lentils, unlike even black beans, I can soak that with the rest, and cook it all together.  I thought about setting up either 9-grain or oatmeal to a soak, but I am not sure when I will get milk, or what time tomorrow.  I will be going, I just don't know when.  Probably.

Another shower tomorrow.  I may well wait until later in the evening to go out.  Just a small bit of shopping.  Milk, cream, fresh fruit.  I might even look for something to add to the cereal.  If I can get the kitchen cleaned, I'd love to figure out how to start my own sourdough.  So I do need more flour.  Yes, grinding your own flour would be super, but that just isn't available to me right yet.  So, I'll do what I can with with I have.

Other than being down with the heat it has been a good day.  Just a typical lazy summer day.  These, as Sundays, are gifts.  You really can't do much about them.  So might as well just enjoy the leisure.  Well, that's how I'm calling it anyway.  Good night.

A ghost visitor, of sorts.

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No, not a real ghost.  The young woman isn't dead.  Nor did she visit.  A flash of a waking dream.  In any case, it was merely...  Let me set it up, as it "happened", and then begin.

There is a young woman I know.  She is not of interest to me, save as any neighbor might be.  Young, actually more intelligent than I initially suspected (in real life, for real... she surprised me a time or two), but also... modernized.  She doesn't consider herself a feminist, yet believes women are equal, believes women have more right to live as they choose than a baby necessarily even has a right to life, and such.  Oh, yes, I can see it in her eyes.  Pride, you see, shines brightly for one such as I.  One who knew the father of that as kin, and rejected that before even being able to hear God.  I see much, and this I saw.

In any case, one must work with what one has.  We knew each other, lightly, from several social involvements.  Nothing fancy or heavy, just a familiarity of face and some connection through common association.  As it was, we happened to see each other out, in town somewhere.  As often happens, at least for some (I am guilty of the opposite more often than not, but that is me), when surrounded by strangers, a familiar face is often sought.

She approached, opened a minor dialogue.  Small talk, initially.  But then she said something which caught my attention.  I can't remember, now, what it was.  Something about her motives and what she wanted, if on a 'small ticket item'.  Perhaps she suggested that she wanted to eat something at the deli?  I just don't remember.  In any case, I saw that as an opportunity to teach.

I suggested, going with the deli item as if that was the notion, that she didn't actually, in fact, wish to eat the menu item she had indicated.  She was a bit taken aback.  She was also a bit angry.  Still, she remained civil.  Suggesting that I could not know her mind or intent, and more that I should not presume or attempt to bully if that was my aim.  I merely smiled, then asked if she would rather remain hurt and angry, or if she would care for me to explain.  She thought, just a bit.  Suddenly, probably a form of submission, she decided to hear me out.

I suggested that the reason I said she didn't really want to eat the chosen item, wasn't so much about the item, or her want, or what she would or wouldn't do, but about the motives.  Huh?  Ah.  What you want isn't that item.  What you want is not to feel hungry.  The item is merely an object you believe will keep you from knowing that particular pain.  Urhm?  As with most wants, even many needs, filling those things isn't as direct as it seems.

If you want children, is it because you think you might enjoy the suffering of childbirth?  Probably (hopefully) not.  Is it about being, or in this case not being, alone?  Perhaps in some future.  Is it about a hunger for sex, natural to the body?  In part.  It's many things.  Life is simply so complicated.  It isn't impossibly complicated, in one sense.  If it isn't to be completely figured out in whole, ever, not here, or again yet, perhaps.  All I am suggesting is that, when you say you want, will have, or will do something... sometimes, just for entertainment or wisdom or learnings of other sorts, consider why you want, will, or do.  It may lead to a better choice.  Or maybe you will just have a fuller understanding.

Oh, never mind.  Daydreams just happen, from time to time.  This one was fast.  While making another pot of coffee, between turning on the r.o. faucet and before the carafe filled, the thing was spent.  Pleasant to have surprise company, and interesting to me conversation, and then just to go on about my day.  No, it wasn't staged.  It just "happened".  Later.

Not always, or even usually.

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To bed an hour earlier, this time, meant waking an hour earlier.  It was probably the prospect of having more cool in the morning that geared my body to wake earlier.  My mind, will, heart, and soul are various things that can act on my body.  But my body has been through so much that it, like a mule, will only accept input.  It will not, necessarily, do as instructed.  Then again, what it can do is amazing.  Therapy for ptsd is actually what finally allowed contact between the various natures.  That has been shattered, broken.  I think it is weak for most people, and limited.  Only those who have pushed their bodies to extremes begin to have rather developed natures, and sometimes connections between these natures.  If those types have a break, and those parts separate and no longer "talk", or even fear each other, there are... problems.  I called my flesh 'the beast' for a long time.  I wonder what it called me, or the other parts of it?  Didn't think to highly of the rest of us, either.  In combat it would blank "my" view.  Anyway... now we are closer to one, but... more like a committee.  Today the beast did as requested.  If that is more common, it isn't a sure thing.  *grins*

Dreams...

The first was a general dream in which I spoke with, and perhaps visited, my foster relatives.  They are "liberals", hardcore.  Lily-white minority lovers, white haters, do-gooders, who think they can make the world better through force of the state.  I don't think they even understand that their hubris is little, or often not at all, different from the NAZI regime.  Just put in some 'A's instead of A's, and change the motivations from genocide of others to genocide against one's own and you have the same program.  Still, as with my mother, I do love them.  I guess, even with the various forms of white devil, I think there might be hope.  :p

Me?  I believe there is hope.  I believe the world can be better, and can be brought to be better.  It just won't happen through the force of state.  It will happen when people insist that their government, or really the people running government in our stead since we the people ARE the government, live up to real standards.  Not impossible standards that allowed people like Stalin and Hitler to blackmail their way to power, not lawful standards, but moral, social, ethical standards that are true... based on things that aren't variable.  Anyway, it was good to see them.  Even if in a dream.
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The next was about a flavor.  I think I dreamed of this, or thought of this before this year, and blogged about it.  In the dream I went seeking some type of lemon, lime, and mix of those, drinks.  A brew, like a beer, another sort like a spirit of some sort... like a lemon cider, and the other a liqueur, though I thought one type was a bit stronger.  No idea.  I've not really had good luck with the ciders I have tried.  Might have to explore those a bit.  As to the others?  Perhaps a schnaps, for the one?  I can only imagine, say, a lemon or lime flavored vodka or such for a spirit.  Don't know.  Might not even go there.  Just a dream, but they sure quenched my thirst in the dream.
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More detail, but nothing interesting, to my point of view, beyond the summaries.  I don't always feel like typing a short story, especially just about a search for something to drink.  The foster family visit was short, and most of it personal.  I just put out the bit as a thought tied to other thoughts I had in the dream.  Yes, I tell people just such things, if they bother to ask.  If you don't want my analysis, don't ask... by the way.

On to waking and the rest of my day.  Later.

Crashing.

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It's a pleasant crash.  There are good and bad ones.  This one is as perfect as one could have.  Now, crashing mind you, isn't a choice.  And, even when pleasant, isn't something that would be chosen if that were possible.  This is just due to it being summer, and warm, hot really.  I suspect diabetes and such are in pretty good control.

Oh, and the dive isn't so steep.  It's more of a falling feather than bowling ball.  No great speed of collapse, no great thud.  It is happening, and it will be done shortly.  But there is time to turn off all the knobs and switches, take medicine, reset some things, and then climb in to bed as if it was planned.  A bit early, but that's fine.  Maybe I can be awake earlier into the cool of the morning.  Or not.  Might just sleep a bit longer.

Fuzzy summer logic just doesn't mean much.  At least it isn't terrible, melting, red hot.  Sleep well yourselves.  Good night.

Odd.

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I had two visitors stop by.  Just a social call.  With the cave messy, I prefer to have visitors on the back covered area.  Not quite a porch or patio, but... something along those lines.  Visitors aren't terribly strange, even for an old ogre.  What did surprise me was, at 92~94 F outside, it just didn't feel all that bad.  I wouldn't want to hike in it.  I wouldn't want to be out in the sun.  And there was a breeze going.  I guess I was just a bit surprised.

I received a message that there was to be a feast at 16:00.  But there is no way I could get ready for such.  And even as nice as it was, in the shade... when the breeze was going... I couldn't have handled a longer stint outdoors.  Plus, to go I would have needed to put a side dish together.  I'll bet at least one of the messages I haven't checked from late last week...  Never mind, I couldn't have done that.  Still, it's nice that the KoC decided to include me in this last call.  I hadn't heard from them in... months?  I'm not good at getting out, so...  Fair enough.  Not being cynical or offering snark.  It was, simply put, nice to be called.  I try to make it, from time to time, when I can, and when I know.  I suspect they are more patient with me than I have any idea of need to be with them.  As with most.

I'd love to get to town.  I need milk, all out.  And cream is getting mighty short.  Well, and more grapefruit would be wonderful.  Just getting out of the cave is a good thing, too.  Probably not until Monday.  All good though.  Later.

Getting hot.

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The day is really starting to heat up.  It's not quite 13:00, or 80 F, but it will get there, and keep going into the early dark.  Which means very little will be done today.  Inside, if it hits the low to mid 90's, I can expect to stay in the mid to upper 70's.  Not bad, but too much for my nature.  And it stays that way for too long.  For me.  If I have to, as with Burning Man, for short spits, I can handle some of it.  A week with no ac, and the swamp cooler cut out after a few days.  So it really was high desert high summer.  I can do it.  I just don't do as much.  Fair enough, as I see it.

I do remember the dream now.  It is terrible, in some ways, perhaps to you.  It didn't bother me, I've spent decades considering these things.  Even while asleep, even while dreaming, I was not sure I wanted to share the dream.  You don't understand.  Most of you have... you think a fist fight is a bad thing.  You have no idea what is out there.  My relationship to what is out there is as far beyond that as what I am beyond what most people think of a fist fight.  When war comes, something many people have been shielded from for most of your lives, you will begin to see.  I don't mean seeing stuff on "the news", I don't mean hearing stuff, or even seeing scars.  I mean, when you watch those scars, of various sorts, being made, or being forced to make them yourselves, or having them made on you.

No, I think I will keep my dream to myself.  I don't think you would understand.  I'll let you see and later try to make sense of these things on your own. 

Some of it has been about recovery.  Losing time, sleeping so much of the time, thinking of love... both simple and carnal, while trapped in an unyielding body.  These I can discuss.  There is a poetry in there, if I despise when someone attempts to poeticize that.  Especially those who haven't ever had an address on that street.  Such dark times, such strange times, almost learning how to walk, breath, think, listen, even touch... all over again.  I have learned again, and recalled some of what I had before.  It makes me different.  Two, maybe three, men, in one form, somehow.  Maybe more.  When you learn how to do these things, then forget, then relearn, maybe several times over... then you remember your old learning and your current one, there is a layering affect to reality.  It's difficult to explain.

Though I would like to learn to drive stick shift again.  I wonder if that would double memory as well?  Some things do, some don't.  Anyway, now I know why I forgot.  I think, for this dream, one side of me buried the dream so the other, in morning exuberance, didn't just spill the dream on the pages of the this blog.  The horror.  Truly.  Even for me, sometimes, when I don't see it coming or am vulnerable anyway.  Smash digits with a hammer.  Then go dark from there.  I am sure I don't know even what all I have seen.

Later.

Morning, is it?

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Sleep was good.  I don't think I heard it, but it rained again last night.  The odd thing is, while it has been raining overnight, it isn't cooling the world, hereabout, much.  Then again, it truly is high summer now.  I suppose I should be thankful for nights that dip into the mid 60's F.  As I remember it, both for here and Iowa, some nights only ever dipped into the 70's.  This, compared across the board, has been a better summer.  But summer can, and does, sometimes just plain hurt.  Yesterday it ended climbing into the 90's, and it was rough.  Not as much of a relaxing day as a day of holding on for dear life!  Well, just a bit rougher than it started out anyway.  If today is like that, how much might get done is questionable.  It's like trying to work on a hot tin roof while barefoot.  A seat in the shade just seems more sensible.  Especially to us 'retirees'. 

I dreamed a long dream again last night, but again it is fading.  The strange thing is, I had the dream earlier in the night.  Through various stages of depth of sleep, I held onto the memory well.  Even while waking.  As soon as I sat up and then got out of bed, the memory has been falling apart like antique lace that became too brittle and then was grabbed as if new.  Dust, again this morning, is all that remains of the dream.

I think I went to bed at just about 22:00, and woke at around 6:30.  That is right in the range that works best.  The right time to go to bed, a good time to wake.  I called my mother yesterday.  I caught her at work, so told her we'd talk later.  She didn't call back and when I tried she didn't answer.  She can be so weird sometimes.  Most women have an oddness that remind some of us of cats, a witching thing only females seem to have.  Even over the phone it can be sensed.  I'll leave her until she is over whatever.

Oh, yeah, I get it.  I, whether trying or not it seems, tend to mess with a woman's mind and sentiments.  Generally I neither know nor care.  I don't see how what I think, feel, believe, affects a woman.  If she doesn't like she can go away.  If she does like she can read further.  If it's a mix, that is life.  But none of her reactions have anything to do with me.  Any woman.  I have no wife, no lover.  Mothers are parents, not friends even now.  I sure seem to bring something out of women, kith or kin matters little.  Even enemy dames seem to... be troubled.  Not... my... problem.

Anyway, a bite to eat, a cup of coffee, and on to waking.  I need milk soon.  And while I am in, more grapefruit.  My word that stuff was good this last time.  I think you have to be old, and stop consuming sugar/sweetener so much, before you can enjoy grapefruit, or even cabbage maybe.  But once you get a taste for such, you find a strange sweetness in there.  Another lot of grapefruit, to be sure.  Later.

It looks like life is working right again.

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That it rained last night helps.  Oddly, it doesn't seem to have cooled things off all that much for it.  At least according to the electronic thermometer.  Still, waking through the night to the sound of rain on a tin roof is a satisfying thing.  Epic dreaming again last night, though, at the moment, it seems to be slipping away so fast that as I try to grasp some of it, it disappears from my mind.  Just a usual dream, really.  Life for another, in another place if similar time.

The girls worked to wake me this morning.  While they know, finally, that they will not get fed right away, they also seem to realize that if I wake at x time, feeding time is roughly associated with that.  If I seem to be trying to wake, then lending themselves to the effort is worth their time and safe.  They do tag team.  One will make efforts until she is not interested, then the other will fill in for a while.  They work solo, but will spend an hour, even hours in the past, trying to help me.  They are better than the alarm.  They have learned, as long as they do not cause direct pain, they are welcome to try.  Scratching, biting, or pouncing will be dealt with quickly.  Cats CAN fly. 

Things feel pretty good.  Last night, through my sleep, and upon waking, life just feels right.  This is how things are when everything is working at least nominally.  No organ, or process from sleep to eating, is off.  Blood is flowing enough, but not too hard.  Blood sugar must be reasonable.  Hunger and sleep and bodily needs and wants are basically tended.  This is good.  This is rare.  I will enjoy another mostly restful day, just enjoy this.  If it continues into tomorrow, super.  But either way, I plan to hit the kitchen much more strongly tomorrow.  I may do a few chores and deeds today.  Just light stuff, maybe a bit of prep in the kitchen such as breaking down boxes, minor clearing, little things while I am out making a meal or messing with coffee or something else to drink.

It looks like it snowed on the mountains to the southwest!  This I am pretty certain about.  Whether it snowed on the mountains to the east I never did, for certain, ascertain.  It got warm before the mild haze that made that questionable lifted.  Quite a strange summer though.  That man-magicked grobal warbling seems to be warbling!  *grins*  Later.

A very good day.

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I didn't get to much.  I pushed a bit yesterday, on top of missing medicine and some other things.  Still, the day was quite good.  Even being hotter, I felt cooler.  I know diabetes can play havoc with 'felt body temp'.  Though I am generally a hot body and always have been.  Still, when life is balanced a bit better, especially in these last few years, I seem to be able to handle heat much better.  Today, despite the heat, I was rather good.

A meal, and another before I sleep.  Perhaps just a grapefruit and a small sip of kefir, but for today that works out well.  I did set dishes to soak, the few there are.  The laundry is dry, but I haven't made a move to fold and put things away.  As I said, yesterday was a bit long, hard in some ways, and hot.  Today is a minor, if not complete, day of rest. 

I have enjoyed it.  Maybe tomorrow too.  But then I need to get back to work.  I am enjoying gaming again as well.  It was simply a good day for r&r, and worked out.  Good night.

I may have pushed yesterday just a bit.

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The work wasn't too much, but the time up was.  I think I was awake around midnight and with an event to attend yesterday evening, and no nap in the offing, I ended up being awake for twenty four hours again.  I don't know that such is any more of a strain on me, in my condition, than it is on you or anyone else, in most health states.  Though regardless of that, it is a strain.

I did a full day of, if mild, work yesterday.  I solved a few problems, did a few chores, and prepared for other things to go forward.  I stumbled on medication for a day or two but caught back up yesterday.  I think, having the console set up, both helped and hurt.  I think gaming kept me from napping, but if I had napped, I wouldn't have made the event.  I promised, as before, but this time I had hoped to go.  I don't make, or break, promises lightly.  I do my best, but then isn't that everybody?  Life is cruel and capricious, in some ways.  Though, if you look at our failure to be able to command even our own flesh, this humbling is more of a gift than a curse.  It means we do need to depend on each other.  And, if we realize that others fail as we do, to lend a hand when we can to those who are failing something they truly abide, and rightly.

A recent comment, by foam, has started me thinking.  Just in this life, through dreams, I truly have lived dozens, and more, lives.  Imagine dreaming, from childhood to a ripe old age and even death, the life of some random individual.  I, generally, assume those folk to have been fictional.  No promises, and life imitates art, and regardless of resemblance there is no factual representation?  That will have to do.  Some are from ancient times, though seem to be lacking in period romanticism.  Being a feudal prince, for example, in England before Henry?  You have no idea how good life is compared to how bad it was for most of history.  They might have died young, but it was a brutal life even to live to forty, or sixty.  Even for the rich, for what good that really, often, even meant. 

What such dreams mean in the real, or at least waking, world I have no idea.  Does it go to show?  Does it change my mind?  Does it change other parts of me?

I have a pretty heavy headache this morning.  It's not a migraine.  It is partly due to the long day, missing medicine that bit, and then the kink from playing the game.  I need to remember to move more often.  Perhaps set the alarm for fifteen or thirty minutes, and just... wander, do a chore, anything.  Then on the hourly or every other hour, go tinker longer at something else.  New games are murder addictive though.  It's more on second and other playthroughs, while figuring out certain mechanics, where it is easier to break off.  I think, with this headache, I will take anicin.  It's a temporary thing, if I do my part.  At least change my seating arrangement from time to time, so my neck isn't just bent one way?  Yeah... I'll try.  :p

Later.

Feeling better.

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Some of it is purely psychological.  Having done a bit of work, and a few of the special projects, even if some of that was a failure in it's purest form (no problem with that, sometimes it IS going to fail).  While one thing didn't work, I rebounded immediately with a secondary possible solution, did that, and it worked.  That is how it should be.  Most of the laundry is done.  Most of the dishes are done.  Sweeping is, pretty much, done.  And my game console and bluray are back in action.  Not bad for, pretty much, a single day.

Today?  Waking first.  A glass of kefir, then coffee.  A bit of gaming.  Then on to the kitchen and bathroom.  When those are done to the level I can, a shower.  Maybe a soak bath today, though, instead?  Yeah.  I really need to hit my feet.  Soak and pumice stone, oil and massage a bit.  A small breakfast in there too.  Hmm... grapefruit and a few eggs?  Who knows.  Fresh fruit on hand really helps when everything else seems too much.  Even as hard as an apple can be, split and seeded it still goes down well. 

I am down to four 14 mg patches in my first box of two boxes.  I have been, quite by accident (mostly) stretching the patches out.  I am quite sure I wear them well beyond their use, and sometimes I even take them off while cleaning myself and forget, for a day or two, to put another on.  Still, I will use these last four.  If I knew someone who could use the other box I would send them along.  At $40 a box, or so, I hate to waste.  I just don't like to start when I have to worry about a resupply mid-quit.  And... better to toss a couple of twentyspots than to continue with tobacco.  I don't believe in the health issues, mostly.  I just don't want the commercial attachments.  People are more addicted to easy foods, sugars, and junk food, and to greater detriment, than all tobacco user addictions and problems combined.  Just saying.  I am, actually, severing both of those ties.
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Yes, a dream.

I was in some faux 'Old West' themed resort town.  Perhaps like parts of Colorado Springs, or Moab.  Buildings with wooden plank, seeming, outer dressings.  I had met a woman and we had fallen in together.  Women, for the most part, aren't romantic.  Not in their own lives.  Until that is all they are, but that is only when they lose control... and I wouldn't call it a well developed romanticism.  When they go there, it's pretty juvenile and basely sexual.  Which... is, I think, why they avoid going there.  And they are quite vulnerable when they are there.  This one, while not in that baser sense of sexualized imagery, was a more ideologically romantic type.  She believed in the higher forms of romantics, she simply couldn't go there.  A fan, you might say, of the better sort of the stuff.

We were there, together, for about a week.  Just living, and love, talking, and exploring the town.  She knew it well.  We were ghosts, by the way.  Yes, some ghosts, at least in dreams, are more than just memories lived, or relived.  She knew the place well.  She had been here for a very long time.  I was... unusual, as is often the case.  Somehow, even as a ghost, I traveled.  So I knew nothing of this place.  She eventually took me to her favorite tavern.  Many stories ghosts can tell.  Sometimes they learn from when they were alive, sometimes from after, but sometimes they can learn of events before through other ghosts. 

In this case, the tavern owner had a lover.  But something mysterious happened five years previous.  His lover died.  How she died... something was very strange about it all.  My woman believed it to be a tragic accident.  She believed the owner was in a state of grief, denial, and loss.  She pined for the lost love and the ideas and notions which swirled around the story.  A romantic, but not so much for her own part.

The date of the mishap was soon arriving.  My woman had figured out a way to step into the past and visit the time, if only as observers.  She had learned this several years before, but had been too afraid to attempt it... alone.  Yes, women sometimes have ulterior motives.  That wasn't all of it, though I suspect it was an added incentive for her to be with me.  When the time came, we did what was needed and... nothing.  Even ghosts, it seems, have their own silly stories passed on as truths.  And yet, she really wanted to know.

We ended up following the manager from the club, in the later evening, as he went to his office across the street.  Perhaps he was going to do a little ritual.  She suggested he always did this on the anniversary.  She had never followed.  As with the false ritual to go back, or peak back, in time, she had been afraid... alone.  So, we followed him.  Through the front part and back to his office proper.  Being ghosts we could go through the walls, doors, windows.  When he got to his room, he sat behind his desk, opened one of the cabinet "drawers", withdrawing a finer scotch or whiskey and a thick glass tumbler sort of glass.  Enough to hold half a beer I suppose.  He did a three finger pour, then put one of his boots up and out and onto the desk, leaned back, and began to do minor gulps.

After a bit he looked over at us.  I turned to see what he was really looking at on the wall.  "You!"  I turned back to look at him.  People talk to themselves often, trust ghosts.  Still, it can be a bit of a start if it doesn't seem likely, or is animated, as this was.  Again, "You"!  He had both of our attention.  And he didn't seem to be looking at the wall.  But he couldn't possibly see us.  He described us!  The she asked him a question, but he didn't seem to be able to hear.  He went on, in what seemed a half-crazed sadness, or something. 

I did murder her, you know.  She looked at me, and suggested the man was simply delusional, or had some false sense of guilt.  She knew the two loved each other, and just wouldn't believe that he would have murdered her.  The man spoke more.  Ah, but I did murder her.  And the reason?  Was she cheating?  Was she going to leave?  Was she bad?  No.  I just killed her.  I don't need a reason, he said.

Now we knew.  But as little as I shared her type of romanticism... preferring real and living and acting in my own life or not at all... and having enjoyed her pleasure in the tragic seeming love, even I wished we had never learned the truth.  She was so taken back about it.  I was quite worried for her.  As it turns out, she probably had more difficulty dealing with a skinned knee then this.  For as seemingly motivated as she was, or seemed to be, after the shock wore off, she merely said "Oh well".
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Don't ask me.  It's a dream.  What about dreams don't you, or do you(?), undersand?  From my perspective, I thought it was interesting.  And, in ways, perhaps plausible.  It was entertaining to ponder as I went through it.  What do you want?  You do realize dreams are created and acted out in about the amount of time lightning strikes, right?  It's not every woman who is like that, but it's not even a tiny subsection... just some reasonable number, at least from what I have seen.  Though, to me, it was an interesting exploration of one sort of the feminine mind and heart.  And my own senses regarding women.

Anyway... on to a cup of coffee, a bit of gaming, and then the first part of my day.  I will definitely need a nap later, perhaps around noon.  Later.

Still awake and doing this and that.

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Another load of laundry, probably ready to kick over to the dryer.  Then I drilled the shelving for the punch-suckers.  Only... that isn't the side that goes up.  Never mind.  The glass plate was too slick to just set on the brackets.  Ah!  I purchased neoprene, to see if it would work as a cushion between the pvc piping and the raft.  Well, and perhaps to offer a bit of lift so that tying the structure to the d-rings would be good.  A few inch wide strips from the shorter side seemed right.  And it did work.

It is heating up today.  All good.  While the summer is a bit rough, at times, even I cannot truly complain.  I despise heat, mostly.  But this summer has not been totally unmerciful.  It has been pretty good.  I, simply, am weak to heat.  I turned on the ac, after I realized how rough (for me) it was getting.  And turned on most of the fans, I'll get the last fan on when I finish this.

I swept, or finished sweeping, the kitchen and bathroom.  It needs more work, but it's a start, and a good one.  Not today, but maybe tomorrow, I will dig in deeper, sweep one more time, then mop the areas.  If I don't start from the bottom I never get to it.  After that, then I begin clearing the table.  I may yet get the trash and recycling out.  Just to the bins.  I missed garbage day, but I only had one sack of each.  And I had little gumption.  I think I did some work Sunday though.

Oh, but in putting up the shelf, I also set up the ps3, and roughly set up the bluray.  There was some sci-fi series I purchased... Firefly?  That or the other one like it.  Along with Netflix, purchasing a few choice series, from time to time, offers plenty of entertainment, in a controlled fashion.  I don't get as much advertising, I can watch on my schedule without renting some crazy sketchy record tech.  My way?  Or the highway. 

I keep laughing when I read that Trump is the chaos candidate.  He really isn't.  My guess, if he isn't a Dem plant, he is far out of his field.  He isn't about nihilism.  Even if, as I suggested, if I voted for him it wouldn't be a vote for him, any party to which he might be attached, or even a spoiler or destruction vote, but a vote against current political malfeasance.  I probably won't vote for him, even if he gets the ticket.  I won't vote.  Tyrannies require their citizens to vote.  We aren't there yet.  And, really, a no vote is the best candidate as far as I can see things.  At least I haven't gone completely insane and publicly suggested Biden is the way.  Really?  As I said, they might as well go atheist and communist.  That'll show them!  Then again, it is the internet.  Maybe they are.

Oh, with the ps3 up and running, I loaded a new game.  Wolfenstein: Something Something.  It should be loaded.  I set one of the controllers to charge.  Hopefully it had enough, and with this little bit of a charge will get me going.  I'll know shortly.  The game should help me stay up to finish laundry and wait for dinner.  Later.

Oh, maybe a bit longer.

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I am weary.  However, I am getting a few things done.  I am hoping to, perhaps, do a few more tasks.  I'll probably put another load of laundry through, maybe hit the kitchen a bit, take the trash out.  More?  Maybe.  While weary, I am not absolutely crashing.

The last time I slept I had a dream.  I won't go into all of the details.  Just that I am pretty sure it was a real woman I was sensing.  Which one I can't tell.  Perhaps one I haven't met.  Few of my women started out as friends, and on that score, until some things were settled, if it lasted long enough to sort, it went downhill from there.  Eventually she would, if it lasted that long, make me her best friend.  Much as one sweats onions, I sweated women... down to the sweet, or smokey, goodness.  Anyway...

A bit more.

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A load of laundry, about to change that over.  Sweeping, though just in the kitchen.  I'll sweep in the bathroom next.  I've been keeping up on the bathroom, otherwise, for the most part.  I did get oatmeal set to a soak for later and switched out a tank of new kefir, while second souring another tank.  While I have two half gallons of it in the fridge, they are down to about, perhaps, less than a full half gallon between them.  I have learned, if I like thicker kefir, to fill/rotate used 'tanks' for a week or two before switching those out and washing them well.  Tricks and such.  Now, when thicker, it is better to strain it again while pouring a glass of the moderated moo-juice. 

I am beginning to fade.  So I am not sure, exactly, what I will do.  I really need to dry the clothes, and then dry out the washer.  I want to get the last of the dirty clothes back to be washed later.  And I think I can sweep the bathroom and 'l' hall from the kitchen to the bathroom.  I might even have just a bite to eat before I crash.  I won't, most likely, be down for all that long... three to six hours.  Or, that seems to be how it's working lately.  We'll see, it's highly variable at the moment.

I'd like to get in another shower.  I will later if not now, after I wake.  While I shaved lightly, I don't want to shave every day.  It's too hard on the face.  Tomorrow, though, I hope to shave much more closely.  A three pass shave is about as good as it gets.  I am still practicing with the double edge razor, and I seem to be improving.  I suspect it will take a few weeks, maybe a few months, to truly nail the angles with this particular device and system.  There is, actually, another intermediary step between how I was shaving, how I am shaving, and how I want to shave.  It's a straight edge, but uses disposable razors, either double edged razors split in two or razors made that way.  The schtick is you get to use the straight razor technique, but your blade is always razor sharp... without effort.  So long as you keep the blade changed regularly (I have heard, for double edge anyway, they last three to seven shaves).  As well, I am hoping to learn just how sharp the razor needs to be, so when I begin sharpening again, I will have a much better idea.  I don't plan to begin that until I have this system much better learned.

Learning which way to shave my whiskers, which time (can only really go one direction, mostly, per pass), is a beginning.  The double edge makes that easier, safer.  Which it why it is called a safety razor (which it is, at least compared to a straight razor).  After figuring out the best direction for the various passes and perhaps an ordering of that, then learning how to keep the blade at the correct angles for the blade itself, then moving to the changeable blade 'straight razor' makes sense.  Really, I am thinking six months as a rough goal.  Then six months with that, and learning to sharpen my straight razors more surely, and in a year I will finally be shaving with a pure straight razor. 

I will probably keep some of each kit around (if most of the gear is interchangeable), for various other types of shaving.  Even medical wound tending might call for keeping an area clean of hair.  Some of the kit might get passed on.  Boiling cleans the metal, new blades takes care of that part, and these are really good ways to shave, and much cheaper than the multi-blade razors/systems.  These razors will last a lifetime.  The straight razor, if cared for, will be free after the initial purchase price and learning curve.  I figure I was spending... at least $30 a month on blades.  They didn't last long, and there weren't many in the pack.  That's $360 a year.  It wasn't a comfortable or close shave.  Just a cost analysis.  Close enough.  If I end up spending $600 or $700, but get to the straight razor, I will save money, a lot of it, over time.

Later.

To town.

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It wasn't the hottest day of the summer, mild really.  In the mid 80's F.  And yet I have been hiding in my home, where it reaches into the mid 70's as the highs.  Oh, and no sun.  I keep it quite dark, day or night.  Plus shoes and boots aren't typical ware, and it does add a lot to the sense of heat.  The meat I had ordered was ready.  I picked up some other meats, fruit for the next few weeks, and cream.  They were oddly out of my milk.  I still have several gallons, so I should be fine with that for a bit. 

I am hoping to marinate one package of beef tomorrow, then get another one set to thaw.  I have six packages, and it takes about two days to jerk, a day to thaw, and a day to marinate.  It's a bit of a trick to keep the game rolling.  I'll do my best.  The first pack that I jerk with just have soy and worcestershire sauce.  I am hoping to dry that out well enough that I can make pemmican with it.  I have the tallow.  I even have a packet of dried cherries left over that I purchased for some other food project.  It might have been for this, then ended up using some of those things for other projects.  I'll need to wash the tins first.  And round up the wax paper.

The goal is to have, say, fifty to seventy five pounds of jerky, with maybe ten pounds of that put into pemmican?  Maybe twenty pounds?  Something.  No, I doubt if pemmican is all that tasty.  But, as with jerky, adding it to water to make a stew, perhaps adding vegetables (dehydrated), or other things, will make it easier to eat.  The thing is, once made, it lasts well.  If you want gourmet, hire a chef.  Good luck finding one on the trail.

They did have cream.  I am going to have a cup of joe with that.  I sure miss it when out.  You would think milk would be a half decent replacement.  But, for me, it really isn't.  Later... perhaps good night.

Getting there.

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I have finish most of the dishes.  Some plastic containers and plastic large-mouth jar lids are air drying.  The majority of the dishes were dried and put away.  I need to hit a very few more dishes, try to clear and clean the counter-tops, then hit the stovetop.  Those last won't start until the air drying is completed.  I got a shower in, and needed it.  Then did a single pass shave.  The hope is that after a bit of air drying and resting myself, that I will make it in to town.  Cream is sorely missed when it is out, and it is.  And, while I have some milk, it goes fast.  Between quart glasses of milk and half gallon jars of kefir, plus pint kefir grain stores, as well as quarts of whey water, I... go through milk fairly quickly.  Oh, right, I also got breakfast in there.

I simply don't know if I will make it to town.  I need to see if I am going to crash here shortly.  I can push through that, when it does happen in town, I just don't prefer to do it.  The advantage of my illness, or strength and endurance with all the givens, is that my illness haven't ever shut me down so hard or so fast that I haven't been able to safely get home.  It would be terrifying to have to worry about that.  Now, while I do worry about getting tired while out, at some times, that isn't the same thing.  Oh... well... a large lunch on a hot day can make for a sleepy drive home, but that is everybody. 

We'll see.  I am pleased with what I have done so far.  I am sure if I can't make it to town today, I will make it tomorrow.  I think I will be doing more each wake period.  And  I am not worried about the odd sleep cycle.  When I am awake, it seems to be a healthy conscious aware time.  My organs seems, still, a bit sore.  But mildly, compared to the past.  And, I am not going under for it.  Sleep, sure, but that isn't for this reason.  When I go under due to pain, I am in a fog when awake, and often neither really sleep nor stay awake... adrift, really.

I'll know in a bit, whether I'll make it to town or not.  I might watch a flick.  Later.

I'm working on it.

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Sleep is pulling me down.  I have been having to sleep after just a few hours up.  It isn't a want so much as having no choice.  The sleep has been good, if nothing else.  No dreams this last time.  What dreams I have been having haven't been too terrible.  Some have been blessings.  I can sleep no longer than I can stay awake, however.  I feel like a cat!

I have been doing bits and pieces as to work.  As soon as I woke this morning, I hit the dishes.  They are soaking in hot water.  All they need is to be dried.  If I get to them fast enough, or keep the rinse fresh, that will be true for a day or two.  A bite to eat, here and there, might be helping.  Grains are quite good, eggs are quite good, but having both offers a better chance at eating something.  Either, alone, can get a bit too boring.  Oh, and I need to set up some hot cereal.  That really is nice, at least as cool as mornings have been. 

From what I have seen with soaked (fermented) cereals, is that leaving them in the soak past the one day (seems to be good for from seven to thirty six hours), it doesn't work out well.  It just doesn't do to leave all or a portion in soak for two days.  I may attempt to soak enough for two meals, cook it all, and see about a warming of the second half the next day.  Just experimenting.  Oh, you can eat it, as far as I can tell, after forty eight hours, it just isn't... as good.  Eating this sort of food, you do realize you are eating very good food.  It isn't too harsh, like whole wheat bread can be... or too heavy.  It isn't gnarly, biting, or such.  It also doesn't feel empty, like many grains type foods do.  Chinese, and often Mexican, food leave me hungry after a short bit...  White rice, I suspect, is the culprit.  Oddly, pasta doesn't do that to me.  Anyway, it is interesting experimenting with foods.

I am hoping to get to the dishes, then start a load of laundry, and finally, perhaps, get to town.  I could use a bit more milk and cream.  I think there was something else...  Hopefully I'll figure it out before I find myself in town.  A bite to eat, first, an egg or two and a cup of heated grain mush with butter.  Later.

Oh... I did go ahead and order thirty pounds of bottom round (I think, sliced, and in five pound lots).  I need to pick that up.  Anyway... Later.

A bit of work, then down my new odd sleep.

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I did get eggs cooked, cooled, peeled, and put away.  I have the dishes ready for a final clean.  I did get the laundry, at least from the bathroom, to the washing area.  I kept up on food, eating several small meals.  And, checked my blood sugar three times while awake this last time.  It was staying right at 214.  While high, it's a good deal lower than 286 or whatever, and much better than the 350 it was running.  Honestly, I don't think anything I have done, which isn't different from what I have been doing, has anything to do with the blood sugar.  It rises and lowers quite on it's own.  This day too high, that day way too high.  My input just isn't a part of it.  And, I drank a good deal of kefir.  I figure, the day it seemed to spike my blood sugar?  Anything I ate would have.  My system was simply primed to do that, just looking for a food input, any food input, to trigger.

I believe I am feeling a bit better.  Again, that has nothing to do with what I have been doing.  Perhaps eating a bit better, taking medicine, drinking enough fluid, attempting to control sleep, and such, all adds up to a bit of a bonus to recovery.  Yeah, I buy that.  It simply doesn't stop the falls and it doesn't change the illness.  It just makes a fall shorter, and recover a bit better.  Whatever is wrong seems to happen of it's own accord.

I hope to get the dishes done, laundry started, a shave, and then more work on the kitchen.  It's slowly, sort of, improving.  As long as I don't have a relapse, I hope to be able to finish climbing out of the hole this week.  High temps might drive me back in.  Hmm... which means I ought to get my console and bluray running.  It's cooler out playing that than sitting on this machine.  Plus, I ordered a new game or two to tinker with... as incentive to get that going.
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Dreams.  The first was... I won't share.  Mine.  I so rarely get such types.  This was the first I have seen full length, with such depth.  As good and right as it could be, in it's own way.  Some creatures cannot share some things with some people, even most people.  No, you can't understand.  And... I shouldn't try to help you.  God, I think, knows.  There are rules, laws, and such.  Some of these are not for all, not exactly the same.  A horse, a mushroom, and a dire wolf all eat different food, none is the worse save when another adds their perspective... at least on certain levels.  The next was just an oddity.  A play on reality, but a fun one.

I was college aged.  I hadn't joined the Navy, but had gone on to college.  I had found a place, off-campus.  It wasn't the best, but most weren't.  It was a single lodging, which seemed good.  And there were advantages.  Quiet time for study was easily had, no interruptions, I could come and go as I pleased, and having a woman over wasn't a chore.

I was still playing roll-playing games.  But the games had become a bit different.  Sure, D&D, or AD&D as it had become by then, but other games too.  One of them involved using micro-miniguns to pop caps as part of the rest of the imaginative typical roll-playing parts.  Most guys are so uncoordinated.  I don't even count women as being graceful, to be honest, and most men are better than women but seem still to be wearing their shoes on the wrong foot more often than not.  Oh, sure, you can train a woman to do something with great grace, and sometimes that will translate into life, but I wouldn't expect it.  Further, those are extreme exceptions.  I don't count men by their Einsteins, Rembrandts, or Bachs... so it is with men, so to with women.

Anyway...  I so impressed them that they invited me to play, then, after playing a few times, to move in.  They had an excellent pad.  And my portion of it was quite nice, if I accepted.  Oh, and one of the roommates who played went around nude quite often.  I... never did quite catch her name.  When asked if that was a problem, I said just as long as she doesn't flirt or start acting reading for sex.  I told them that there are men who swim with great white sharks.  Neither do I recommend it, or believe in their safety, but... who am I to judge.  And, actually, that was good enough for even her.

I hadn't decided whether to move in when the dream ended.  I was pretty sure it would happen.  I had heard, because of my playing skills, they wanted me on their team in competitions, and could afford to give me a superior deal.  And they were cool if I brought a woman in.  Plus, I was pretty sure I'd be nailing the naked preferring snagglepuss who roamed the demesne.  It wasn't so much in my willfulness or need, it was in her eyes.

Hey, at that age in real life, I was batting... lets just say if my sex life at that time was baseball, I would have been in the hall of fame just after those first three years of healthy adult life.  Not just batting, though there was that.  Stolen bases, home runs, and runs batted in, for starters.  Yeah, I helped a lot of guys get to home base, and married some significant number of them off through my advice.  If a guy wanted to go that way, who was I to wise him up.  I figured she would do that.  *grins*  So... yeah.  Not a brag, just the way it really went until it all broke.
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Does anyone else have this sudden urge to juggle machetes or is it just me?  Yeah, no, it really does seem to work that way. 

h/t 90 Miles From Tyranny

Coffee!  Hmm... might try a touch of whey water mixed with regular water... or just have some kefir first?  Yeah...  Later.

An apple.

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Food, more regularly, might help.  I don't think that will be all of it.  As I suggested, I doubt if I can just fix it all.  I know doctors can't.  Between what they offer and my own tending, some better health, from time to time, might be possible.  That is all.  I really need to get back on eggs.  They really rock, as far as food goes.  They do get a bit dull.  But what they offer, along with the grains and beans, is pretty good.  Assuming I can eat, that is.  I simply haven't been able to eat as easily lately.  Hmm... perhaps smaller batches, too.  Less waste.

Well, I don't know!

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A blood draw shortly after that post.  It read 215.  Who knows why.  That is a lot lower.  I just had a meal, will check in an hour or three, then later again. 

I was going to post a comment.  I wanted a particular biblical reference.  There is a place online that I usually go.  While it was there, and seemed to function, when I tried to get a simple reading for Matthew 14, I think, I couldn't get that system to just put Matthew up.  I've had problems like that before.  Whether it is my ill mind, tech problems on their end, or just that you have to know their system to use it, I decided, finally, to purchase a few bibles. 

I have some that the modern church hands out.  I don't trust them.  Even the catholic versions have been rendered for modern sensibilities regarding the sexes and other such.  Rubbish.  If God meant man and woman, people, etc, that is what it would have said.  Jews, even in their hubris, sin, and failings, knew not to fuck with the Word of God.  If it doesn't, don't put words in God's mouth.  That's bound to bite the living shit out of you.  Certain, older, versions of the Douay-Rheims and some (of the very many) versions of the (old) King James bibles will do.  Anything after 1899 is bunk.  So... I ordered two.  I always lose one, from time to time.  With two around, I have a very good chance of finding one of them.  Then taking it, and putting it back right where I found it.  Until the other shows up.  In a month or two, I might buy a couple of the better King James versions.  I will have to do research on which of those, for sure, is reliable, then find a source.  I have the DRB in e-form.  But my phone will be going away soon, as well as the ereader with it.  Not sure I want to replace it.  An ereader is useless in the back woods of Alaska.

Feeling better.  At about 3:00, the e-thermo read 57, though it may well be a good deal cooler.  Not sure why the difference, but I trust the mechanical thermostat more.  Much more.  Hmm... let me go read that...  Yep.  Outside thermo reads 46~48 F, while the e-thermo is now reading 56.  Sometimes the e-thermo is spot on.  But because it is between an inner and outer window, even open mostly to the outside air as it is set, behind a screen not glass, it just doesn't always work right.  So... really cool.  I am sure, being cooler, that helps.  But maybe things are improving, or just better for a moment.

A cup of coffee, or two, while I figure out my life and try to get going on some work.  I sure would like to get even a few things done this morning.  I may crash, again, before long.  But I think whatever is wrong is waxing.  For a moment or longer only time will tell.  Later.

It's not a worry.

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Remember, I have been disabled for 27 years now.  The last five years have been the best.  And these last two or three better even then the last five.  This is the pinnacle of my depths.  I am eating, I am taking medications, I am taking care of myself generally, I am blogging daily, I don't just disappear down the memory hole.  For most of those years, suffering, pain, was perpetual.  It's just that, most of the time, my body shielded it.  That put me deeply in a mind fog.  As things stand, I can feel, probably, most of the pain.  It is mild enough.  Further, it isn't causing a fog.

Let me ask you this.  Does your employment beat you up some days?  Sometimes for periods of time, where you just... slog through, and that's it?  Well, being ill, at this point IS my profession.  Just think of it that way.  I don't seem to get to die.  So I have learned to do everything I can to do what I have to do... to enhance extra function, to biologically do better, to not suffer as greatly... and lately I have gone without suffering so often, that it seems strange and ominous when I do feel it!  That last, my friends, is a switch.  And a bit of a miracle.  Essentially, after receiving no right medical attention, there is enough left to medicate.  I may not improve hugely, or I may even more than I have.  But just being to this point, for me, is wonderful.

So, while I am fussing and complaining, it really has to be put into perspective.  And, remember, each time I died, and then was brought back... each time I went down a flooded river outside the raft, each time I came close to dying but didn't???  I was in worse shape than I am in now.  Better or worse?  *click*  Better or worse?  *click*  Better or worse?  Only, I don't get to choose so as to make it better, at least initially.  I have since learned how to find out what makes it better and strive for it.  At a turtle's pace, but with an intensity you cannot know if you haven't been a dying man searching for life.

Do no worry about me.  Even this suffering is as like to nirvana as lobster or shrimp or steak is to a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as meal comparisons.   That I am a bit down, and feel a bit of pain, and know where it comes from is... good.  Becoming isolated through my body's pain medication, getting hammered from all sides, losing weeks, months, maybe years?  That, my friends, was harsh.  Heck, to make it to the appointment, I stayed awake 24 hours to push through.  Not sure I should have, I ended up, with the depth of my illness and exhaustion looking like heck.  I don't think my words were too blurred, but I stumbled to answer questions...  What round is it, doc?  :p

Now, I am sleeping often.  Up maybe three to six hours, then down for the same.  Though maybe the weather has something to do with it.  I think... think I say... that it snowed on the mountains to my east.  If so, that means weather is being a bit odd this year.  This is high summer.  I have never seen a snow up there since I have lived here.  Though, I'll admit, I was looking with tired eyes, at a time the sun made it difficult to be sure.  If the weather is being that weird, there is a good chance it is... disturbing my mellow.  Yes, I love the cold.  But when you stick from hot to cold to hot to cold etc, I get a little spun out.  No complaints, mind you.  I'd be toast either way.  I would prefer a weather spin-out to just cooking.  No complaints at all.

Well... there you go.  I am going to make a meal, then soak the 9-grain cereal for tomorrow (or... later today).  Do forgive.  As Doom, my world, day, life, is bound to be slightly different.  Odd how having a woman... normalizes.  Well, if she has a normal life.  She sort of replaces my internal clock, somehow.  After the meal, and prep for the later meal, I hope to fiddle in the kitchen, maybe boil eggs for the week, and set up my game console and bluray.  Perhaps gaming will bring me back.  If nothing else, it might help me stay awake longer.  We'll see if I can get to any of that, but it's the goal.  Later.

Something is simply off, wrong.

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It is rare when my illness, whichever one, is painful of itself.  Perhaps organs can grind in hurt, or a migraine will happen, I suspect, as side affects.  Sometimes from an inability to eat or sleep right as much as from any more direct cause.  Currently, however, whatever is wrong seems to lead to a more direct physical suffering.  I cannot tell you, exactly, what it is.  My body's ability to mitigate pain makes the source a disjointed thing.  I can only, shallowly, sense the nature of the source.  Even then it is a bit of a guess.  Something in my body just isn't working, or a small set of things.  Perhaps, in a watch that has several different integrated parts, which interact but aren't totally reliant somehow, where the minute and hour hands still, mostly, work, but the second hand gears are missing some steps, slipping several seconds each minute, so throwing the whole thing just a bit off.  But it adds up quickly.

This isn't the worse pain I have known, not even close.  Only unusual in that it seems to be directly sourced from, if I had to say, diabetes and the organs involved with it.  What surprises me further is that my blood sugar isn't that far out of spec.  Sure, at 250, it's high.  But I have seen it at well over 600 for extended periods, and in this last year I have seen it 100 points higher, and more, without issue.  Why this time?

I did some research.  What I am on with the injections isn't all that high.  Some use much more.  If I can find a doc who will treat just this, I suspect he will increase the dosage a good bit.  At least for a while.  My syringes don't allow for much more, and the vials I get aren't lasting a full month as is, so I don't have much room for change, as is, on my end.  At least I understand, or potentially, that now.  It is difficult dealing with a medical system you can't really trust.  On some things they are super, on other things they absolutely fail.  And they are terrible with the snark, reverse psychology, and other sorts of crap.  If you want to be a feminist, or progressive, don't take it into your profession, okay?

I dreamed again last night.  I couldn't remember anything.  Even as I was dreaming, and making sense of it, the memory was being lost shortly after understanding took place.  Like watching a movie with a very limited short term memory.  Eventually, and actually rather quickly into the dreaming (did it several times), it was like watching a movie in which you couldn't remember more than a few minutes from the past, so sort of got lost in it, hoping there were enough cues to keep you going.  Though it seemed I never got lost.  Perhaps enough memory remained to make the connections, just not drive some part of the mind into fuller understanding?  If that makes sense.  Read when you are too tired, sometimes, if you want to understand.

Oh, right.  Last night I wanted to check the kefir again.  So I consumed some after my last serum reading (284).  I read it again, in an half hour.  This time it dropped to 246.  I simply don't get it.  I am beginning to think the numbers have little or nothing to do with what I eat.  It may have something to do with the regularity of consumption, and just natural function or lack of it... unrelated to food.  And, perhaps, some other things my testing won't show.  I have long suspected that though.  Later. 

Not sure what the problem is, exactly.

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It has something to do with blood sugar though.  I took a fasting, or close to fasting, blood sugar test at around 18:00 yesterday.  It was 248.  I only had coffee until 23:00, took it again, it was at 251.  I realized I hadn't taken my shot, so I did that, then tested at 3:30, it was 264.  I though, perhaps, eating something might help.  So I ate some of the grain and beans, plus a couple of brots right after that, then tested at 5:34... it came in at 285.  Look, I am doing as much as well as I can, it just doesn't seem to matter.  I haven't missed a shot in... a good long time.  Food has been fairly regular and pretty good stuff.  My body simply isn't functioning well.

My blood pressure, a second reading anyway, was only 130/80~90 I thought.  So it's not bp.  Perhaps the whey water, or kefir, is simply wrong for my condition.  But soaking grains... I don't use full strength, just a tablespoon per cup of water.  You can soak those things in vinegar, or even lemon juice, instead of the whey water.  Honestly though, I don't think that will help.  Heat exhaustion?  Even with it being cooler than usual, that is possible.  I wish I had a way to test the medicine they are sending me though.  I am beginning to wonder if it is old, the wrong stuff...  Seriously, I don't trust them.  All of that seems really wrong.

One thing I remember, she wanted to send my scripts to a specific pharmacy.  The np I saw.  I was not interested in that.  I wanted scripts I could take anywhere.  If this is rigged, if the V.A. was pulling her strings, that would explain why she wouldn't even sign out scripts as she had said she would.  It is possible.  Yeah, I think they have that kind of pull.  And, no, doctors can't all or always be trusted.  Just some thoughts.