Yeah, may have to go digitally postal.

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The day was looking to be good.  I was awake, I got a shower in, I was slowly getting dressed.  The rubberband effect took hold as I was nearing time to go.  That crucial exit velocity I needed was beginning to look questionable as to whether it could be obtained.  A feeling of falling took hold.  As did a minor form of panic.  Not today, not again.  So I dug deep, found something to rekindle a bump of acceleration.  Just enough.  Just.

Out I went.  First to the post office.  Ah, so that's it.  I seem to have lost my post box.  Has it been that long since I checked my mail?  Is that just a clue, one more, that it's time to go.  No longer welcome.  Always possible.  Just brush it off unless more is seen.  Since it was so late, nearing noon, I didn't want to stop at the butcher.  I figured they would be more ready after 13:00.  So I drove on into town.  Just minor grocery shopping.  Somehow, when being helped, a pound of butter either 'missed' the bag, or fell out?  Fell?  Out?  No... really?  A manager brought it to me.  I don't know what happened, I am suspicious.   Just brush it off.  Hot day, much else going on, tired.  Just... nothing.  So I head on to the butcher.  I was not welcome.  From front to back, not welcome.  Why?  No clue.  Too close to lunch, on lunch?  A day late?  What?  Then I smelled it.  Like doe bait, back of the vehicle.  Ammonia, strong.

Yes.  I get it.  I told you, however, and some time back, that my fiction thing was over.  Should have added that any semblance to that notion in the future would be just that.  There are any number of women I failed to be with, or with whom I parted for any number of reasons.  Echoes all sound the same, at some point.  Just a dying man who can't... quite... reach exit velocity.  One more stupid example of dumbshittery and I'll close this blog to all save myself.  I don't need that kind of crap.  Heck, as varied as write, I might be being hated for... the exact opposite reasons by the various people who have shit on my day and vandalized my vehicle.  Well, it sure smelled like ammonia at the exhaust.  Not saying they were all in it.  Perhaps none of them were.  Just saying there is coincidence and then there is an klaxon alarm.  I hear you.  You may end up hearing me.  Why even read here if it pisses you off?  Get a hobby, other than reading blogs that piss you off.  Though if you stick with that hobby, don't be a pussy about it.  Cowards!  Yeah, I know... I really am a giant, even if a mostly dead one.  So bring some pals and go down as a team.  *wink*

As to today?  Don't care.  Really don't.  Don't let it happen again.  If I think this is ongoing, I'll simply shut down several business ventures planned, close this blog to others, and not look back.  I'll be going in less than a year, if possible.  No choice anyway.  Thank you very much.  Bleh.

It is a scorcher out there.  It says 85 F, 43 dp (falling), though it seemed hotter.  Definitely in Logan, though maybe over at the butcher too.  I have to ac going, and both fans.  Hoping, with that and the door closed, I just might get some winks.  I'm pushing, but after having to hit it to make it out, I'm having to slowly decelerate and cool before I can lay down.  Later or good night.

Doing rather well, thank you.

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I have been trying to get the dishes going.  I have not been successful.  Sure, soaked them, then reset the soak.  I just drained them this morning, so as to get in for a shower in a bit.  I am feeling better.  I am all but certain I will be getting out today, on time, in a right order.  First to the post office, then to the store (if I go), then to the butcher.  I'd really like to hit the store but that is iffy.  Yes, awake all night again.  Why I couldn't get going yesterday morning I am not sure.  But I was going through a number of troubles, I suppose.  Troubles that aren't toils this morn.  Yeah, let's just go to the post office, then the butcher.

After that to bed.  Getting the meat in and in the freezer shouldn't be too much of a problem.  The freezer is new, empty, ready.  Though, perhaps, I may keep certain packs for the main freezer.  I may sort some here and some there of various meats, so if something goes wrong I have some hope of not losing everything.  Though, too, having all roasts in one, or certain types of cuts or ground, mainly in each, might make things easier.  I'm just figuring out this meat by the bundle thing.

The ham and beans are serving me quite well.  It is a humble food.  Beans make the ham last, and go around.  The ham adds fats to the lean beans.  Water just means an easier cooking process and more thinning.  I am also learning some things.  One thing?  Don't just dice the ham.  Get your paws in there, after a thorough washing, and shred the ham.  It's much better, somehow, that way.  Don't ask, just trust.  At least enough to try it once.  Cooking, my friends, is a dirty job.  Parenting is more so, but... cooking is definitely not for the timid.

As I near the end, I see I have actually been too stingy with the ham.  Fine, I'll add lentils the next time... hmm... might add three cups now, as it cools from my last bite, then it should be partially warmed/soaked, ready to truly cook when next I fest.  Yum!  Lad.  Channeling my dark side to another dark sided one.  Neverthewho.

Ah, right... I'm letting the food settle, then a shower and on with the show.  Good day.

Fever shivers.

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Ever had those?  When I push things hard enough I get them.  Well, and when I have a serious bug.  Actually, the reasoning is pretty much the same.  Body is doing too much.  I lose core heat, even in these warmer temps... it's like my body figures out some way to dump massive amounts of internal heat.  And yet the body is working so hard doing something... fighting a bug or heating up to kill it, or in this case just operating too long... that is just cooks.  I end up suffering on both ends of the spectrum.  A burning shiver... me timbers, all I'll say the more.  Not as bad as it can be, just on the noticeable scale, so far.

I did get the beans and ham cooked.  Wonderful!  That stuff is simply good eating.  I like having lots of ham in each bowl, but that, really, isn't possible, not with every bowl.  I don't know how much ham you would have to cook, but it's not... reasonable... even for someone like myself who can cheat.  More ham, yes.  Not just a sliver a spoon.  But not two to four gobs of meat per spoon either.  *le sighe*  The world just, well...  No bothers.  It is quite good.  This ham had a bone in, so the depth of flavor is astounding.

I called my mother yesterday too.  Sounds like her little pooch got in with the big dogs, into their cage, and almost didn't make it.  The woman taught me much, and one of those things was you do what it takes for your own.  Yes, she put her hands in and saved her little pal.  But not without paying for it.  She is feeling better.  Always was a momma bear, backed me as she could a time or two.  Appreciated.  She's not a bad woman to have on your side.  She didn't save me from due punishment.  She merely wanted punishment meted out equally, and saw to it.  Right after... punishing me, perhaps, for her part.  I have never denied acceptable justice.  But I, too, have demanded it.  Neither of us seem to be in the greatest shape.  But then we have both had worse.  And it's good to call and check in.

I could not make it much past 9:30 this morning.  I have to get out tomorrow.  Both to the butcher, to the grocery store, AND to the post office it seems.  Bleh.  Some things I ordered came in, but through the post office.  I was expecting them through UPS.  I hope they are even still there.  Might not be.  Oh, and the VA has called.  Twice, now, actually.  Something about prescriptions, or a letter, or something.  Probably just pr outreach that will, as before, go nowhere.  Or they are just seeing if I am dead yet.  I'll check on that, if nothing else to tell them to leave me alone.  We really don't have a relationship of any sort at this point.

I'm just hoping this feverchill will pass.  It's nothing, really.  Especially at this milder stage.  More of an interesting cant at which to traverse life for a short spell.  I likes me strange oddities from time to time... until they rub the veil a little thin but without numbing things enough.  So far, as I mentioned, so good.  Later.

Just... thinking.

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As I see something, I... think of my own deal.

Cycle note.

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Going down at just after 9:00, I am waking at 17:00... a bit before.  But that isn't a natural wake time.  Sunday through Tuesday, dinner arrives sometime after 17:00.  Today I was able to wake, then shower right away, and the call came in just as I stepped out of the shower.  I mean 'water off', 'shower curtain and front pulled', 'first foot up, over, and out', 'ring'.  Otherwise I would not be awake.  Yes, it was difficult to get out of bed.  Tomorrow it may not happen.  Picking up beef, maybe doing a bit of shopping, which means staying up for their time, driving around, possibly needing a cool-down time...  Who knows when I will get to sleep.  Though... I could try to push on through?  But that is what I have been doing, if not intentionally.  We'll see.

I was almost certain I was looking at a migraine as I was waking.  It seems not.  A mild headache, with a nice side of neck bone crunch and grind.  I haven't had painkillers in days, weeks?  So I'll shovel in a handful and call it good.  I actually don't medicate migraines, unless I am also going back to bed.  That's a risk of severe hurting.  Sometimes it'll work.  And I might do it if I absolutely must be up and running.  I just know the price could be severe.  Don't... play with migraines.  Even a painphile such as myself, at times, knows that one particular limit.

Uhrm?  I have no idea.  With a shower out of the way, there is some hope I will hit cleaning.  I actually put cleaner in the toilet bowl before showering, to let that soak a bit.  So I will be hitting the bathroom, hard, tonight.  Trash needs to go out, maybe recycling.  I forgot to ask.  Then... into the kitchen.  I have fallen woefully behind in there.  Ugh.  It's an ugly place, again.  Some boxes were recently removed, for which I have gratitude.  A little clearing can bring the hammer of Mr. Clean down... sometimes.  :p

Oh, and I best get a pot out or clean the one, then add beans and water to get that soaking... right away.  Give it eight hours instead of just six last time.  A bigger pot this time, and more beans.  Five or six cups of beans.  It's a larger chunk of ham... which I will partition, quarter, some for freezing, some for the week?  Yeah.  I need to buy a few larger containers tomorrow, for things like ham and beans, or other one-pot/pan dishes which are really too large to eat in one reasonable period.  Yeah, on my list for tomorrow... but into a soak with the beans.  NOW!  Or I'll forget.

Perhaps there is a little life in the old boy yet, or some is coming back.  Never sure which it is.  I best scoot before I get fresh.  *wink*  Later.

Bedtime.

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I'm not sure when I woke.  It's 9:18, according to the machine.  I'll be asleep within the hour.  I have the ac going this time.  I am sure it will be getting warm out there.  Probably.  I'll try to post the time when I wake.  Before I can work that around, I have to know what I am dealing with.  Too little sleep, awake too long, both, or worse, neither.  Sometimes life is just brutal for no good reason.

I have been taking care to eat.  Not properly, perhaps.  Enough simple calories so that my system doesn't dry up and shut down.  I made a batch of ham and beans.  Liked it well enough I thawed a bit more ham.  The problem was, there weren't enough (wasn't enough?) beans to match with the ham.  I had a package of something thawed, I though hamburger.  It ended up being unseasoned pork sausage.  I wasn't too sure how that would go with beans.  Quite well it turns out!  A bit of cheese mixed in and, really, that was... very good.  The beans cut that heavy, sharp, richness that good fresh pork can have.  The cheese?  Well, cheese goes well with much.

With the beans used up, I'll probably set another pot to soak, when I wake.  I'll try to remember that and to note the time.  Then cook the beans after six hours of soaking.  Yeah, I'd like to soak them longer.  But with time being a bit confusing, between sleep and waking... not knowing how long up or down... I would prefer to just cook the beans on a short soak rather than risk them going bad.  And, yes, beans... I have had beans go bad after as little as eighteen hours in a soak... even having changed the water knowing I would have to be stretching things.  Black beans, though I may toss in lentels right near the end, to see how that might work.  Though I might just throw those in for the last hour of cooking.  With black beans, I cook them for... hours.  It just takes a long time for those, or that's what I have found.

Sunday?  I'll check before I sleep.  If so, I need to get the trash out.  I got most of it packed out Friday, but have filled another back since.  Recycling?  I'll try to remember to ask my neighbor.  I best set my alarm to be up at a reasonable time.  Then prep for a shower.  I have beef to figure out how to pick up tomorrow, and I am hoping to push through to some kind or work this coming week.  Even as crazy as it is, at the moment, I still hope to... do something.  Tree limb cutting, perhaps working on roping, maybe setting up the hammock...  Who knows.  Anything that gets me to do something(s) physical.  Work is preferred, but play is okay if that's all I've got.

Supposed to be a short post.  I got carried away.  Good night.

Not figuring things out.

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Rough.  Spinning.  Sleep is all over the place.  Now with it warming in the days, sleep is bad then.  It will eventually work out.  I have no idea when I ended up going to bed.  Sleep was bad, hot sleep I call it.  Too warm.  A few more degrees and I start getting stuck in that sleep, sleeping more, becoming less rested the more I sleep, sometimes unable to escape the cycle for a while.  Air conditioning only helps just a bit, sometimes not at all.  Thankfully, here, for now, we aren't, I don't think, getting hit with the heat wave I hear is affecting much else of the SW.  Even so, it is warming some.

It's been a rough spring.  There is always a chance I might dig out.  Though, maybe, without medicine, this is as good as it gets.  I simply don't know.  Doesn't really matter, part of the reason I stopped going to SLC was because I couldn't make the trips, not on time, not often.  That's simply too far to drive, that early, or on any kind of a schedule.  Even if I drove up the night before, there is a decent chance I would miss the appointment.  My sleep cycles just don't work well.  Even without the other doubts about the place, I couldn't make it physically.  It's a useless case to try.  Though there might be other things to use.  I may go back to a few of those over the counter meds.  Those won't, most likely, in truth, help diabetes though.  And that is what is going to end up getting me hounded to homelessness.

Well... so be it.

I had a dream last night.  A woman I once knew, on the wrong side of things.  She was trying to convince me that wrong is right.  I sent her packing.  Let her know some things aren't up for discussion.  Evil is evil, and pride in evil is worse.  Some people either can't, or won't, understand.  I won't belabor the point, I won't try to convince them after a certain point.  I will simply turn my back on them... carefully... some of these pukes are truly nasty.  Gotta watch them... more a figurative, than literal, term... turning my back on them.  Watch yourselves out there.  It isn't just muslims who will attempt to harm you.  You know who they are.

Later.

Sleep.

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Not much, but full strength, one stop.  I went down a bit after noonthirty and just woke at about 18:00.  So... given that yesterday, I believe, I was up at 15:00~16:00, give or take, that is another twenty four, and change, hour day... along with a shorter sleep cycle.  Oh well.  The freezer is chilling nicely.  I have everything set to go for that, all is paid.  One of the peoples had to pay their part of the processing.  That wasn't intended.  So... I have a fix in for that.  Thank heaven for friends, innit?

Bruised and bloody, from the struggle.  Innards feel like I've been boxing for the last month.  A bit of fog has taken up residence in the mind.  Nothing, either of them, that I can't work through a bit.  A bit punch drunk, but that is to be expected.  That I can, mostly, still spell, type at speed, and function for the majority, says something.  I remember, even before being ill, pushing myself to this point, and beyond, more than... you might imagine.  Idle hands are the devil's tools, or somesuch.  Now, while my hands sometimes did his work, according to some, it wasn't thoughtlessly.  No idle, aimless, or reckless devilry was... well... to be at hand.  Anything I did I did with a plan... if as I have said, plans just get you out the door and "there", usually falling apart in the mildest of breezes.  What next?  Don't die... that becomes the plan.  Loved me some olde school gunhouse rock.  Or... so I say.  It's why, no matter how bad my 'Harley Quinn', she was never but a pillar of salt next to me (Lott's wife thing).  Insanity can't beat pure, healthy, logical, hard will at doing bad things, even if to bad people or their kind.  Even so, my damsel, sometimes in distress of mind, was a good fit... back in the day.  Though, I tell you this with nary a harsh note or doubt... all dames are slightly off kilter, especially when helping you plan to plant a bomb in their temple of dreams.  *wink*  Madness willeth ensue.  *grins*

Hmm...

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I did get five, maybe six, hours of sleep in yesterday.  A bit from, say, 8:00 to 10:00, 10:30... then a bit from 13:30 to, say, 15:30 to 16:00...  Been up since.  The beef is in, but I am not quite ready for it.  I didn't get a call, but found out.  Needed the freezer.  So I asked for a bit of help and got it.  Went it with them this morning, put it on my store card, out of caution.  Then sent a check to pay for the butcher fees, so they can pick it up today.  Friday, is it?  Okay.  I was thinking it was Saturday.  Spinning double days with only a nap or two, and burning days like Sherman burned the South.  I just won't, can't, seem to break, die, sleep, or quit.  And, no, it's not bedtime yet.

Fire, in my dreams, anyway.  Blood.  You asked for it, take it.  While, even now, you can fight back, if you will and have the means, you shouldn't have had to fight.  Your dear leaders have betrayed you and you chose to be betrayed.  It probably won't affect me too much.  Until, as it looks like it's attempting to do, the government uses terrorism to go after us.  That will not protect anyone, only leave you all much more vulnerable.  I really have to figure my way out.  Just far enough that the lame and lazy, who are afraid of the real culprits, won't necessarily want to walk into a lion's den 'out there'.  We'll see.

Just watch yourselves out there.  Your government is too busy watching you.  Because, you know, you are a bigot and racist... to watch the people planning to murder you.  They are even now, including the GOPers, looking at rescinding your gun rights, as they say it, because you are just as bad as your murderers.  Gotta clean house folks.  McConnel needs to go.  He didn't get that he barely made it through the election, and only because he promised to be good.  Get him out of there.  If a Dem replaces him, at least it won't be one of "yours" stabbing you in the back.  The whole den of vipers are selling you out.  In more ways than one.  Just... watch yourself out there.

Later.
[untimely post, forgot to past this as per the time stamp... fiddling with it, too tired to get it right]

Ah, good.

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I finally crashed.  I have no idea when that was.  After my last post, and by some number of hours.  My routine hit a snag, a secondary subroutine tried to kick in to keep me going (if against my actual will) but failed, I think my systems attempted another reboot or two.  Finally, simply like a machine out of memory space, I crashed.  All good.  I needed, and wanted, sleep.  If I can figure some things out, I will do well enough.  First is how to get enough sleep stacked to do physical things, like get to town, do dishes, begin in on the kitchen again.  For while I have been quite awake, and mostly quite aware... if a bit, hrm, off... I mostly can't physically function.  I my body simply needs more sleep.  Has to have it.  I have to catch up and keep up for a bit, or sneak out at an optimal moment at the right time of day... which I haven't seen for a while.

I'm not trying to be tricky, sneaky, or crafty.  I'm merely, sleep cycle wise, sort of caught in something.  Much like meeting a wave in the ocean.  You want to go that way, it is going the other way.  You go with the wave.  If it's a rip, it might well take you far out.  I have learned, with this, to go with it, just keeping my head above water, not do else until it lets me go, then reassess.  Sometimes going back in to shore is easily possible, sometimes it's best to look around for help.  Shore is just too far, perhaps.  Sometimes there is no help, so caution and an easy pace are needed.  I haven't died so far.  And, yes, I could see how this can kill.  Both directly and indirectly.  Though, to be honest, I think struggling is more important, and healthy, than otherwise.  Is their a choice?  Yes.  Very much so.

Life is not easy, not always.  It has gotten better.  Add what I wrote above to nearly no memory through it all, an inability to eat... for various reasons... for weeks at a time, the wrong medications and sorts of medications, and no real understanding of why things are happening.  Yeah, it was a rough many years.  Now I just go through this a few times a year, if up to months at a time.  I can actually get things done now.  It's no longer the sum of my life.  Though, when I suggest better, I mean it simply isn't as bad as it has been.  It isn't normal or good, it just doesn't hurt and I don't feel lost.  I understand what is happening and can sometimes plan around it, a bit.  Though, this time, it's a bit worse.  I think I might  be coming back around.

Later.
[untimely post, forgot to past this as per the time stamp... fiddling with it, too tired to get it right]

That isn't cool.

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I didn't make it down until... two or three hours after that last post.  Then I woke at... 10:30?  Give or take.  Oh well.  This is bruising.  I'd like to make it to town, not sure that is possible.  While I am awake, I'm not in good shape.  Think salmon on a salmon run, the ones who make it... or so far.  Bleh.  Twice.  Later, unless I can get more sleep in somehow.

Must be tuckering out.

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It's just past 3:00 and I may be going down.  Hard.  There are a few things I want to do first.  Trash needs to go out.  And while I won't quite take a shower, I will set up for it in the morning.  Morning being a very relative term.  A bit more gaming.  I may be running out of amorousness for the game.  Not a bad run.  I won't say I am done with the game, I just realize it's mostly going to just like what it was, only slightly different.  There isn't much new left for me to find in the game.  The story line?  No, I haven't finished it.  But that is usually weak in these games.  It's a minor draw to keep one going, not much more.

Usually I 'fall forward' when I fall from sleep.  But this push thing, it's... incredible.  Somewhat, at least for many years, pretty much unprecedented.  I honestly think it's because I am on no medication.  I quite seriously wonder if they were mixing the medication with... whatever.  Who knows what they were really giving me.  Honestly, you can't trust doctors, pharma, .gov, nobody.  Never could.  I guess, perhaps, there seemed a time when you could.  Only if they think you will fit in, do as you are told, and eat their propaganda.  When you walk on your own, when you leave the pack, when you denounce the cull... well... you get what you get.

I'm hoping to be in to town this week sometime.  Not sure it will happen.  Needs to happen.  Bleh.  Minor shopping, if that isn't the main thing.  I don't have to be in early, though... before dark or thereabouts... if that is rather late afternoon.  Bleh.   Twice?  Yeah.  I'm just not feeling it.  Later, or more likely good night.

Backing it down.

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The goal is to get a solid idea about when I sleep and wake, thus how long each is happening.  Then figuring out how to control the times of each.  I don't need more sleep, or much more.  I do need less time awake, by four to six, even eight, hours.  A fourteen to sixteen hour day is fine, and six to ten hours of sleep is good enough, more so if those balance into twenty four hour packages, and become as repeatable as possible.  Being tied to the sun, being highly subject to changes in the weather, the faster and stronger the change the more vulnerable, and some other things, mean I will never really... on my own... create a regular schedule.  I can do better and worse.  That's as good as it gets.  Thankfully I don't have someone stuffing me with pills for convenience of staff, operating hours, etc.  They will murder you, ostensibly out of compassion, if they get their hands on you.  In all honesty, medicine is one of the final solutions.

I have been trying to buy working shoes/boots that fit.  I did find a pair of boots that fit, about a year ago.  Bates...  With my feet swelling I need more room.  I used to wear 12 slim/average widths.  Now?  I am doing 13/14 wide to extra wide, depending on the maker.  Though after trying many shoes recently, looking for steel-toe work shoes... not boots I decided... I was beginning to think they simply don't make them... or my feet were worse than they seem or than I thought?  Nope, just so many Chinese manufacturers putting out anything and everything, with no clue how to size a shoe/boot.  I got a pair of steel-toe Keen sneakers.  Perfect!  They might even be a bit big.  And yet, for now, they will do.  And they will easily facility my thick wool socks, if I need to work in the cold.  I may, eventually, sneak down the size, go with a standard with... or cut to 13s?  One or the other.  I'll know more after working in them for a bit.

What for steel-toes?  The trees.  Working with  the wood.  I don't have anything that is good to climb with.  Sneakers aren't perfect, but they beat duty type books, hiking boots, or anything else I have.  Both the climbing and the arbor work make this shoe perfect.  And I love steel toes.  It's a... an... understanding... of the world, of war, of work, of life.  If your going to play hard, work hard.  And if you go hard, not home, then wear the right equipment for the work, or play, both if you conjoin those.  Can be conjoined if you do it rightly.  *wink*

Today?  F... Uhm, I mean, no clue.  Still haven't figured out what the heck is going on.  Time is off, sleep is crazy, women and war are raving in my sleep, stirring memories I had locked away.  Even daydreams, if no visions other than in those.  Yeah, there is a difference between a daydream and a vision.  It's sort of like the difference between driving on a computer and driving a real vehicle.  The vision is more the latter... as I see things anyway.  At least, when driving at high speeds.  Focus is... different.  The computer can't quite simulate the real, the vision is a form of the real, sometimes more terrifying than the real because you didn't choose to be there, what is happening is foreign to you (or may be), etc.  Very different things, if you were ever at all curious.  And, dreams are more akin to daydreams.  Not quite... manufactured from the same stuff, but in the one you are much more aware of the waking world... usually.  Even though I can be conscious in sleeping dreams, as I noted, I often just let them run their course, so sort of sleep on, or go back to "sleep" if I become to present in the sleeping dream.  Whereas with daydreams, I am very aware and can't really change that.

Oh, hum?  Later.  Sheesh.

The teams gather, a time it will be.

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It had to happen.  So it will.  Well, that's what I am seeing.  It's ramping.  But this admin is on the side of letting them in, exclusive of vetting while keeping the border open.  It's not as if they are coming, they are here.  It's a matter of... not sure.  It isn't exactly what it seems.  They are merely attack dogs.  There is purpose, has nothing to do with simple terror.  Watch money, watch stocks, watch everything else.  Distractions.  I'm not even sure if the ugly mutts know they are mere blood fodder to distract the masses?  Doubtful.  Still, their targets are no different.

Ouch! Right?

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Not sure about it being right, but it is true.  I've been running twenty four hour days for... a while now, eighteen before that for a bit, sixteen for a bit, and it all started with back to back forty eight hour runs, with nine hours of sleep between them.  To say my body isn't a bit worn would be an obvious lie.  Even so I can't seem to slow this missile down.  Migraines are... well... nearly appearing.  I'm surprised I'm not having them daily.  So far they have simply approached, then parted, with me doing no more than noticing and giving them ugly looks.  Painkillers every third day, today was the day.  Over the counter, mind you, I have no access, or interest, in anything stronger.

Ah, that might be it.

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My sixteen, then eighteen hour days are turning into twenty four hour runs.  Sleep isn't keeping up.  Down half past eight, up at 15:00, feeling like a suit that's been in a cramped suitcase for far too long.  No idea what I am supposed to be doing, everything hurts, and I won't be doing much.   Oh, something about getting out today.  I have a ton of reasons.  Wanted to be out days, ago, a week maybe.  Just hasn't happened.  I can't remember why, quite yet.  It will come to me, along with some guilt and disappointment.  No biggy.  I've learned to ride those waves too.  Dead men aren't supposed to feel, shame or otherwise, but I do.

A shower, I hope, before long.  I can't, quite, wrap my mind around much else.  Oh, just a rough day, and spell.  I do have better, and much better, and usually, to be honest.  I still hope to figure out how to climb the trees, using rope, before long.  And get a little campsite set up out back.  For now I'm in suffering mode.  At least I'm not sleeping all the time.

I... had sensed something big coming, it seems it did arrive.  While gay, their were 49 to 50 murdered, another 50 wounded, all give or take, you know how numbers aren't .gov things.  Not that a lot of people honestly care though.  Having teh queer shoved in the face, forced on children, pushed even to the privacy of bathrooms, has really ended any compassion people have had for these types.  The honest truth is, if Americans don't force certain things back off the screen, someone else will it seems.  Dems have hired muslims to clean house.  Gays are giving Dems too much of a bad name, especially with minorities.  Or, perhaps, islam is proof that whites are losing control of the party.  If is wasn't them, however, it would have been someone else.  Dem, and even the Rep, parties, now, need brownshirts.  To create chaos from which to attempt to draw power, and to hit the lowly for not getting in line for the cool-aid they are trying to shill.

Oh, while I did see something big?  That... isn't it.  That's the start, most likely.  Queers first, but look to a hospital, or school, sporting event... big casualties.  And they will be part of security.  Hell, might even show up within the police forces.  Isn't diversity grand?  If this takes off as expected, you will know your politicians should be tarred and feathered, or outright hung, cut, drawn, and their heads set upon sharp pikes around the White House.  You might even do it.  If so, God bless you merry souls.  It's coming.  But then... you elected it.  If you go that way, I'll be with you in spirit.

Back to... something.  Later.

Crap sandwiches and razored roller shoes.

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Life is spinning.  Time is... simply off any hook.  I am attempting to regain control.  The sun has been down, and it has been cool... which is fantastic after that jump to the 80's, at least, in the first week of summerish weather.  However, that on top of me running the ship at breakneck intent, while sleeping too little, and... you have the makings for several things.  Right now, I am just keeping on keeping on with no idea... when where or how.  I look at the time, but that gets lost in my mind.  I can't remember when I went to bed, or got up, unless I blog it.  But even then, finding it is difficult.  First paragraph, from now on, and when I go to bed and when I rise.  I need a clue.  I woke just at noon thirty today.  I can't be absolutely sure when I went to bed, but I think it was closing or past 4:00... within an half hour either way.  Yesterday?  I think I went to bed at... no clue.  Maybe it's in previous posts.  Okay... it looks like I went to bed at (in real time) around 7:30~8:00 yesterday morning.  Yeah, the day I took for Sunday, thought I had missed, so... yes.  Though when did I wake yesterday?  Actually, just as I am waking, I am not sure I am writing any of that rightly.  I'll think on it.  Bleh.

Today?  Trash out, recycling if that's the day.  Grilling meat later, much later... after supper.  A very quick hit on the bathroom would be nice, then a major ding in the kitchen.  Oh, yeah, it needs it harsh.  And maybe a load of laundry.  A shower, too, if I can.  Showering every other day lately, which is good when I can, for a while... then back it down just a bit or I dry out.  Daily is a true luxury, once in a while, on showers and baths.

We'll see.  Working that mojo while that mojo ain't working is... tricky.  Sometimes the old retired Coyote still has enough magic to pull it off.  I'm just not a housekeeper, though, to top that program off.  I finally have finances in order.  If I were staying, for sure, I would figure out how to get the place clean, top to bottom, then have someone come in a few times a week.  Couldn't do it all, but it would provide incentive and help.  Seeing a clean spot, a new one, in an unclean place and... it seems wrong, so something kicks in.  Sometimes.  Either way, anything would be better than this.

Later.

I do try.

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Tonight, the idea was to get to bed early.  Early enough to be up early enough to be out early enough to be there in time to help.  I threw everything off by pouting in cooking the duck so late into the morning.  Almost 3:00 and I am just going down.  I'll still set the alarm.  Who knows.  I made plans to sleep earlier, even saw the potential.  It came and went and here I am.  Always hope.  Doubt, great doubt, but hope.  Hope is, really, just another word for tomorrow.  In one sense.  Tomorrow is until it isn't, and, in all the history of the earth, most people's tomorrows have already passed and there were fewer tomorrows then there was no tomorrow, in earthly terms.  Never mind, blathering as my brain shuts down.

Oh, I did heat some of the duck.  A cast skillet, ghee, this and that, at 350 for an half hour.  Look, if I am going to go through the effort to make a somewhat finer meal, then I am going to reheat it with respect.  A microwave would take the crisp right out of the skin, and might make the meat and veggies taste a bit off.  Some can do that, I am not, generally, among them.  It was quite good.  Not much meat on that bird.  Even at 7.2 pounds, I'll bet there wasn't more than two pounds of meat, max.  Ducks must have some seriously heavy bones.  Still, the a wing and hindquarter, and breast, by two, is four meals of sufficient portions for myself.  I'll not complain.

I do suffer.  If I were sleeping harshly I would be suffering too.  I go through these phases.  It will pass.  I might, if I can, even work through it, or otherwise by it.  Cranky muscles and bones.  The only way I can be up so long, and it is often running eighteen or more, as I have been watching more closely, is to do little else.  I really would rather be awake than in that fog.  The price, of  course, is pain.  I'm good enough with pain.  It will pass, for a while, soon enough.  Suffering, in some way, to my mind, means one is doing something.  And I am.  Good night.

Now to bed.

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The duck was quite good.  Not perfect.  It has been a while and I am at altitude.  And, oddly, it seems to have cooked faster than indicated.  Wha?  Yeah.  A bit overdone.  Not terribly, inedibly, overcooked.  Just... a bit over done.  Now the skin?  Ah, that was duck bacon at it's finest.  And the veggies were great.  Glad I remembered mushrooms, both at the store, and while cooking.  The turnips just... didn't go with duck.  I think you need beef or... not sure what else... but beef works with turnips.  The rest of it is grand.  A feast.  And, yes, mother, I did get what I could off the carcass and store it away with the veggies I will be eating.  The turnips will be let out, not kept.  I wish I had enough going to further roast the carcass then make stock.  I'll have to settle with what I have done.  Should feed me for most part of a week.

Sleep is just off.  It's just the way it goes.  Gets hot, on top of it, then cools down fast and hard, and darkens.  I'm being played like a sadd fool, which I obviously am.  S.A.D.D., not a mistake.  Too hot or cold, to light or dark, or sudden turns, and I nosedive.  All good, paybacks are... wait, who would I offer the payback?  God, seriously, doesn't micromanage and adjust weather.  Even if He did, you can't quite do much to Him.  Murder Him and He just walks out while opening the gates to heaven.  Lucifer, if he could, might well try to adjust the weather.  He just doesn't have it in him.  So, no payback.  I guess I'll just have to fiddle around as I may.

Good night.

I gave it a shot.

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With a morning event coming up very quickly, and an evening event after that, I was hoping to work out my schedule.  All I did was bungle it.  Being cool, however, and with the bird thawed... it was nearly thawed anyway.  A short soak finished the process.  It is now in the oven, has been for nearly an hour and an half.  An hour remains, with a strong amount of give an take.  In the higher elevations food usually takes longer, and then some.  If you learn to go for a doneness, and learn that, and are patient, it'll get there.  Along with it are red potatoes, carrots, turnips, rutabaga, and celery.  The scent is quite nice.  I didn't herb and spice it all up.  Salt, pepper, and the veggies, that's that.  Oh, right, mushrooms.  I added those here at the near end of the process.  Baby portabellas and something else.

I had worried I had totally missed the morning event.  I got my days mixed up.  Easy to do when days and nights are becoming on odd ends of the day, the days become excessively long, and sleep cycles either run really short or long, each providing a slightly different problem.  It was because I thought I missed that I pushed the bird on through.  It needed cooked, I thought I had the time since I thought I had messed up.  With it as it stands, however, I have probably killed any chance I might have had to make the morning event.  I'm still hoping, and will work toward it.  I simply have serious doubts, more so now.  I hate when I mess up, not because I messed up but because I thought I had messed up so just do whatever only to realize I might have still been on track.

Yeah, it's a bit tough sometimes.  Still, being awake and doing something is better than that terrible three day a day cycle I broke from.  Ah well.  Later.  Probably good night.  While I have to wait for the bird, and then eat some and put the rest up, I doubt if I'll blog more.

Sleeping later and later.

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Knew it would have to happen.  And yet, I have done quite well, on days, if to no good, but for some time now.  The heat, I suppose, and how I am running things.  I almost woke several times.  Just could not focus.  Not good, need to be up early Sunday.  Bleh.  Not sure I can, will try.

Would have slept longer.  Three shots, quick succession, to the south, 1,000 feet?  No more than half a mile at the most.  Not worried, not here.  Just noises out here sometimes.  It's a small town, but a country town.  Not the wild west, just... the country.  Not every day sounds, just sometimes.  Still, woke me.

I keep getting the feeling that something wicked this way comes.  Not here, exactly, probably.  You never can tell who all is involved in such things.  People with earthly power are rattled.  Their attempt at forcing things is going downhill, as is their grasp on wealth and power.  People have finally started getting involved, and balking at the leash and whip.  They are becoming desperate.  It isn't just the handlers, it's their mutts even more.  They love their little bit of golden access, and don't want us plebes interfering with their fatted golden goose, which just so happens to be the middle class, which they have mostly eaten.  Yeah, that never works out.  Thankfully, it's the one group that, when losing all their toys, might actually be able and willing to fight back.  Unless it goes on too long, then they just become part of the working poor, or less.

So, will the super rich be pulling strings to make something bad happen?  Will it be their puppets, in order to create enough chaos to remand power, suppress elections, etc?  They won't do it directly, they will use their feral allies.  This admin is directly related to those, and this congress is owned by those super rich.  Done it before?  I honestly don't think so, not the big hits.  Little ones, sure, maybe.  These people are desperate, now that we don't just take what they offer and be happy for glib words with no substance.  Not really my gig, life is odd off heart meds.  Still, I write what I see.  And I see bad things being fomented.  Much death and blood.  Though, too, I get the feeling that they are realizing it will come back to bite them.  Much as the 'anybody but Trump' crowd (same crew, actually), are learning that their stance is both outing them, and killing them... politically.  Even so, the lazy brutes who have owned power in US politics for a long time might not care.  Desperate is just that.

I've collected some music, as the notion hits me from time to time and I go looking.  Just, not yet.  They are being squirrely.  Unsure.  They honestly don't know what to do.  Everything they have tried has failed.  They have had all the press, and favorable press, for their pushes.  They have economic, political, social, and all other levers at their command.  Even that is backfiring.  Surandon and Barr are even in for Trump.  Yeah, those ones.  He is getting the very oddest of endorsements.  Online, that includes Vox and myself.  Very... eclectic... support.  Now, admittedly, fringe.  But the odd thing is, it's not from the fringe out, it's from the fringe in.  If Trump hasn't had a team working on this for ten years, then I will say, I do believe he and they are verging on genius.  The system he is running is working, though I suspect in part because it isn't supposed to work.

Way late.

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Oh well.  Good night.

Brutally hot.

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No, not as hot as it can get.  Just, only a week and maybe change from the 60's as highs, it's hitting mid 80's perhaps low 90's.  Even so I am not suffering too much, or yet.  At least if I don't work up a sweat.  Then again, even that wasn't so bad.  Nothing fancy, a trip to town.  Two packages to be returned via UPS plus a shopping trip.  With the duck thawing, I wanted specific veggies.  Carrots and celery, plus red potatoes, turnips, and rutabaga... then a few regular items.  Everything went spiffy.  I almost missed UPS, they had just about lowered the inner metal gate.  I was quite grateful for their allowance.

I stopped at BK.  Hot.  No real complaints.  Usually they have ac going, though that may be corporate and economic reality?  Hot.  Still, the ladies were good enough and, even with the brain in minor melt down... if more from previous running around... it all worked.  A quick bite just to keep things going.  A big bite, but quick.  Oh, while there I saw a mouse... heard... can't be sure, maybe both... roar.  Oh, well, yes.  Blushed, I did.  And, yet, warmed.  A different way.  Then she realized what she had done and quieted back down.  Wonderful.  I think I fell in love for a few minutes.  Dolls'll kill ya.  But you'll die happy, even if chaste, sometimes?  Yeah.

I got home, unpacked, all good.  I was heated, but that left quickly.  I still have boots and socks on!  I... must be changing.  Then again, I'm not on medication anymore.  Nothing.  That might be it.  Medicine might have been the problem.  Oh, well, I still look like a blood orange, sometimes in the heat process.  But It's a lot less painful now.  Just a thing.  Later.

Tap dancing with the devil?

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Aye.  All do it.  Even God.  Oppositional or obediently, I suppose.  Though I tell you this, even if you abide Satan, you will do God's work.  Even if you do the greatest evil, even if you murdered Christ, you... do God's work.  It's not that God forces you, it's simply that He can't lose.  He can have His pie, and eat it to, unlike the rest of us... unless we follow.  You learn to walk His way, you will, in time, simply understand.  And, yes, I do.  I can't do all those sweet tricks that are truths of heaven yet, not all of them.  But I can... obviously... do some things that are... unknown to many.  Even just being alive.  If I died today, just that I have lived this long alone is... not... usual?  Yes.  And yet, today or tomorrow, I will probably be climbing trees, swinging in the wind, with a chainsaw.  *wink*  So, dancing with the devil?  If you aren't, you simply don't understand, or you don't believe in the devil.  Neither of which is my affair.  I've warned you.

Today?  I don't know.  Still deep in the cup of the game.  Running too long of days, sleeping is a bit shy.  And, yet, it is far better than being lost in that middle ground between sleep and wakefulness that is such a wasteland.  I have been eating at least daily.  I have duck out, to be baked, before long... probably this evening.  Oh, and I finally got around to experimenting with the hard, hard, black tea and cream mix.  As I suspected, the hard black tea pairs very well with cream.  Even without sweetener the tea with cream had a very mild flavor of... strawberries?  A berry very like that.  Not quite direct, so difficult to get a handle on.  But very good.  I have decided, as well, that I need another freezer.  Ugh... Have to get out sooner or later, then, to get that.

Other than those things, I have mostly just been gaming.  Well, later.

Well? Mostly.

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I have said eighteen hour days.  And, sometimes.  Though I think it was more like sixteen hour days.  My bad.  Sometimes I just get the numbers wrong, add incorrectly... or subtract or sich, other times I'm just not seeing perfectly clearly.  Still, the... it's usually in the ballpark.  At least as I understand or see things.  I did do an eighteen hour days yesterday.  Though, untypically as of late, I slept ten hours last night.  Hmm... wait, miscounting again.  Down at 2:00, up initially at 8:00, then back down for two more, waking at 10:00.  Actually, just eight hours of sleep?  Okay, I feel better.  I don't like waking that late, but when I am pressing that hard, and it is still only eight down, I guess it's okay.  See what I mean?  Easy to get messed on the numbers, without clearly thinking every little detail.

Whaught?  I don't know.  Just saying, correcting errors.  Mostly just for me.  Though, just in case one of you is paying really close attention to details... there you go.  I hope that remedies things for you.  What, Precious, is "whaught"?  Ah, well, that is either ye olde timey "what", or Doom spooftalk.  I initially spelled it with an "o", but that didn't seem right.  If that helps you discern?  Scoot, on this topic, for now.

Grilling worked well.

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Actually, pan frying has been quite good also.  I've been hitting it out of the park, as far as cooking.  Though, perhaps, my taste buds are functioning.  Sometimes, when I don't seem to like food, I suspect, at least part of the time, it's because my senses are depressed, not working well.  Still, cooking food correctly certainly helps.  Ribs and one of the flap steaks this evening, another flap steak and several eggs for breakfast, with one cooked steak remaining.  I might turn that into a rice dish.  Oh, and I should make more tortillas.  Easy, stores in the fridge and freezer for varying but reasonable times, and cooks up in a flash.

Grinding, then using corn starch, on my cheese... storing that in the freezer?  Works exceptionally well.  I still would like to get that used up in a couple of months, which is very probably... as long as I keep it on top.  It works with mild cheddar.  Next I hope to try it with pepper-jack.  Not all cheeses are equal, some just won't work with this process.

Much warmer today, and yet not too bad.  I'm not sure why it isn't ripping me up.  Or maybe it is?  Yeah, I can be that oblivious at times.  Though I honest think I am doing fine.  At least until I work up a sweat then can't come down, cool off, well.  That is a bit of a claustrophobic thing.  Trapped.  A shower can help, if at that point I can wrangle myself in to take a shower.  I have the ac going, and the fan.  That should allow a good rest.  Good night.

Awake and... something.

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Mornings are always bland.  I stayed up way to late, but woke well enough and early enough, given the givens.  I realized why I couldn't sleep.  Too warm.  The thermostats were reading that it was between 73 and 74 F.  Now, that isn't exactly hot, but for me, and since it has been a very cool spring, a few degrees up makes all the difference.  Not sure why it was so warm, it was cooler outside.  It must be the cave soaking up all the rads of a much longer sun day.  I'll have to begin playing with windows and fans.  Last night, when I realized the problem, I did a temp fix.  I'll try to be ahead of the game here on in.  Though, at some point, between the extra light getting to me, and the added heat...  Well...

Not much planned today.  I am hoping, though, to kick things around and push through this coming week.  A trip or two to town, perhaps up in the trees with the saw again, and if that goes forward, than on to setting up the hammock and other kit, for practice and fun.  I have ordered some equipment that should make tree climbing easier and a bit safer.  Those trees rip the body up, that wood is very hard... don't care if they call the pine soft wood.  When alive it has very little give.  I am excited to finally be getting back to it, if I can.  We'll see.

I fried two chops yesterday.  One for breakfast, with eggs.  One later, with rice.  Fantastic.  I have learned pan frying, at least for chops.  My cast was seasoned well enough so that, even after frying the chops, I was able to fry the eggs easy over without any issue.  Today?  I have ribs and flap steaks to grill.  Those should last me several days.  Though... when it's been a while since I've eaten ribs... those might go down in a single leap.  Leap?  What does a three hundred pound gorilla say?  Anything it wants, so hush your pie hole.

By the way, I need to find a barbecue sauce, rub, or recipe for sich.  Fresh pork REALLY goes well with the right fixings.  I like it straight up as well.  But a wonderful rub or flavor cooking gravy would be very kind from time to time, just to switch things up.  I'll work on it, and keep you vested with my findings.  I already have some ideas about how to work the ribs and other odd cuts.  I so love playing with my food.

On to the day.  Good day and get off my porch!

HUP?

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Dunno.  Watch your back, all I'm saying.  I see something, could just pass.

Up early, in the right sense of the term.

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I am still in a miserable physical state due to the expensive rocket launch.  *blink*  Getting better, slowly.  Going to bed just a bit after 22:00 seems to have been right.  A long day yesterday, too little sleep the night before this eve, but it is working out.  If I can just keep it at this pace.  The thing is, as the world heats up, I often, usually... always... lose control.  If I can figure out how to keep my world cool, though, that might... be better managed.  It has taken years for me to get enough items and such in play to have a chance at keeping my world cool.  Actually, there is one last thing I wish to add yet this year... a heavier duty cool-duty humidifier.  Coupled with the window ac and fans, it might pay really well.

Today?  Still resting.  Hopefully I will get to more today than yesterday.  It will help that I have meat thawed.  In an hour or two, after I have more fully waken, I was thinking eggs and chops... pork chops.  Yum!  Hungry, even now.  This evening I will probably grill the beef ribs.  Tomorrow it will be beef flanks.  Yeah... when I eat, either by hook or charity, I eat well.  :)  Oh, don't harsh on my mellow with jealousy.  You eat more, and more often, than I do even in my dreams.  Imagine only eating four to ten times a week, max... or not eating at all, save three times now (if you can eat then, that is), for weeks.  Don bee jeluz, Lucy.

Well, on to... something.  Be well.

Very strange.

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The thermostat and another thermometer both read between 72 and 73 today.  Now, for me, that is, usually, especially for as cool as it has been, a warm temp.  Actually, generally, this time of year, for me, it is hot.  And yet all day I have been fighting the chills, and losing.  It made doing anything a struggle.  Thus little was done.  I hadn't planned on much.  I did less.

On the good side, I woke relatively early and am about to go to bed at a good time.  A good time, as I define it, is a time which makes maintaining a day schedule more likely.  I have to work hard to do very simple things.  Things you take for granted, or mostly.  Even so, I often... no, I will... fail.  It's just a matter of time.  It's like going swimming in the ocean for the first time, not knowing about the true power of the waves, undercurrents, and such.  No, you will go down.  So it is with me, often.  And yet I don't quit.  Do my best, push and pull actively and passively.  When failure occurs, rinse and repeat as able.

Oh, I had a strange dream, between a few moments.  She asked if I thought I could make her happy.  I laughed.  No man will make you happy!  So, no, I won't.  I would merely be able to fulfill your nature as a woman to be a wife and mother, God willing.  I would be able to keep finances and the relationship in check and going, with a little help.  But, definitely not as to making or keeping her happy.  I think they know this.  Oh, just because a question is asked, doesn't mean anything is in play.  I think it was... interesting.  Not in that way, just in the attention garnered.  A terror then, possibly still now a bit, to be in a spotlight.  But, now, just a curiosity.  I do believe.  Still, that was the question and answer.  It's like I hit REM sleep between this, and that, second... somehow.

All good.  Good night.

Up well and early.

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Going down so late after such a long day, I wasn't sure when I would wake.  When I am doing better, it is usually earlier... or closer to what has been the schedule.  I guess, given that I am up well before I would have predicted and bedtime would have dictated, I am doing well.  It doesn't, exactly, feel like it.  My torso is still in recovery.  The lovehandles to the core are all just a bit ticklish after the exercise in movements.  Drop that boom, lad!  Oh well.

Today?  Rest, mostly, and gaming.  I know there are things I could do.  I also know I need a little breather.  Perhaps another load of laundry.  Maybe some dishes.  I could get to the toilet, finishing that as I please.  And I may.  Those tasks won't break into my rest unless I force march all of them, in a hurry, altogether.  The question is whether I'll remember, then stay on focus, to do all or even one of those.  The mind is an awful thing with a stressed body.  I used to be able to operate while running long hours, and operate well.  That isn't so much the case these days.

Oh, and I ought to get something out to thaw for a few meals.  Chops for the grill, a pound of burger for... some... weird mix, oh and beef ribs for the grill.  Cook it all and live off it like a king... it's a good way to go, imho.  Later.

Late.

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I have been keeping my days in line.  Time has been, however, slowly edging over.  At almost 3:00, this might be the start of sleeping days again.  It always happens, just a matter of time.  I only have a few pieces of business to attend before I go dark, or that is the hope.  I have found that the world, no matter my intent or it's designs, works quite well without me.  Still, I prefer to offer input on some things.

I did get the check for the meat out today.  It is good to have that tended.  Now to really consider whether a new freezer is in line.  I think it is, even if it is going to be temporary.  I will go cheap, as I will be moving within a year or two.  No choice.  I can't seem to afford medicine even if I can afford a doctor.  And, the state, now that they have been sicked on me, must do what it must do.  So I will be losing my license.

Anyway... I will be putting much of this beef up as jerk.  Freezing that on top of it.  I hope to have enough beef jerky, along with some of my other stores, to last the first year, maybe two, wherever I go.  I figure, renting a climate controlled storage unit, or one on both sides of the state, hitching and camping between the two, should set me up fairly well.  Plus, access to some cash from time to time.  Wintering over as a house-sitter, if possible, or renting if not.

Oh, while out, I did manage to find a smaller tube of silicone.  I will use that along the trim of the toilet and floor, as well as for the toilet seat bolts.  I have another bead of calk further under the toilet body... two just seemed better than one.  The outer one is the only one I can redo, though, without having to use another wax seal.  It isn't necessary though, either, I don't believe.  Now to completely wash the toilet again.  I want it super clean before working with it.

Bedtime.  Good night.

I was wondering.

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I woke in some distress this morning.  Even through the night I could tell something was awfully wrong.  Pains in my stomach, lower torso in general.  Something was very off.  Has an organ finally quit?  Bleeding or spillage of something unhappy?  Sure, being up long hours, then getting ready and out, to the butcher and store, and having to shove all the way... yeah.  But that shouldn't affect my stomach.  Then I remembered.  Yesterday morning I had an epic b.m.  I was nearly literally doing a crunch for between 45 and and hour yesterday.  Brutal.  I didn't know I had that kind of torso strength and endurance left to me.  Yep.  If something I have done was ever going to kill me, within the last five years, that was it.  So, now, my lower ribs to the top of my hip-bones all know they let a big one get away.  Oh, I should be careful.  Making myself laugh hurts.  But it hurts so good!

I don't mind pain, less when I can place the cause, even less if I agree with the reason.  For this, it's all good.  I think I ate too little for too long, then ate beans, burger, and cheese without anything to cut it for a couple of days, then stopped eating again.  Masticated glue, and a large bundle of it.  All I'm saying the more.

Shopping yesterday.  All the usuals.  Milk, butter, and now fruit.  Mostly citrus this time.  There are some... weird, orange like, fruits that...  I tried them several times back.  They taste like oranges used to, to my mind.  Fantastic.  Golden nuggets?  Something like that, I think.  Fuggly, but tasty.  Grapefruit, again.  If you don't like grapefruit, you probably have never peeled it then peeled the sections themselves.  Divine fruit, at least that way.  Still, from time to time, I like the bitter.  Keeps my force in alignment, and when I need a sour look, I have a memory to focus the need upon.  :p

I forgot to pay for the beef, and hog, too!  I just ran out of my mind.  The stomach had worn me, the extra effort of being out and about, and I am still running eighteen to twenty two hour days.  Brutal, but beautiful.  I love it when I, for me, can hit the limits then keep going.  Oh, I'll fail.  I won't get it all, hit every ball, make every base, succeed on every steal... but I'll play my heart out.  And I am.  So, today, I need to call, a bit later, to find the best time to bring payment by... today, tomorrow, at his discretion.  It's good to have these things done.  Oh, and I need to ponder whether another freezer is needed.  I am thinking it is.  Maybe a stand up this time, even if a lot spendier.  Bleh.

Well... Off with their heads!  Uhrm, wait.  That isn't my line.  The mind whirls as I wake.  Anywhile.  Later, and good day.

Still a bit rough and tumble.

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No, I didn't get to much yesterday.  A good start, then nothing.  Though I have cut my "days" in half, they are still very long.  Albeit I would rather run long than have three or four micro-days in an actual day.  That is... really disorienting.  Long days are a serious strain however.  It's spring, those are my choices.  All or nothing, sometimes.  If I can, I will almost always pick all.  Lately, that choice has been available, and chosen.

Still, my heart isn't hurting like it was.  Those forty eights were really taking a toll.  Don't think they would cause death, just discomfort.  But great discomfort, more so stacked wall to wall.  A good day of sleep in there helps.  The longest such trip I have taken, when I was younger, was ten days up.  Don't believe the notion that sleep deprivation can kill you.  Especially if you have experienced it and learned how to deal with it... both in sickness and health.  Not in a few days, it won't kill you, anyway.  There is a disease that makes it so people can't get REM sleep, and really no sleep at some point.  They slowly go mad, dreaming while awake.  Even that takes... a year, years, sometimes longer.  They become living poltergeists, lost spirits trapped in flesh.  Truly.  So, while ten days is... something... different... even that isn't all that special.  Just not normal, or normally available for most.

Many of the things I do in life that are... different... aren't so much of a choice, or a decision... only one of several options, often none of them better.  Choosing between the fire and the pan may seem easy.  However, the fire, while it might hurt more, is over more quickly.  Unless you have been there, be cautious with your judgments.  It'll hit you right between the eyes, at some point, when you are forced into the same, or a similar, situation.

The beef is in!  Well, it's at the butcher.  I will meet with some folk today to arrange for the cutting.  Could have done it online, but for me, I know nothing.  Clan reps who will be sharing out the beef will be there.  Whaught?  Didn't know Mormons had clans?  This Is the Highlands!  :p  Anyway, should be fun.  For me, as best I can tell, I want ribeye, inch and an half... chuck roast, all I can get... almost all other roasts cut to jerky meat, though a roast or steak mix they advise, let's just say I will take their advice... the rest into burger.  Though soup bones would be quite good, and any organ meat they might offer.

I will put another load of laundry in.  I hope to go shopping after visiting the butcher.  And that will be that.  But, first, to wake.  Good day.

Little sleep, long hours, but better.

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Once I realized I was slipping my mortal coil by slipping past sleep, I exited that gig stage right.  Well, as I was able.  I'm still riding the wind at a terrible pace.  Eighteen hour days are hard on the old bod.  The choice, however, is that or three to six hour shifts up and down, neither ever asleep or awake.  I'll take the stronger, tea or coffee of life, that is.  Keep the mild, milquetoast, numb, bland.  I'll die either way:)  I'd just rather die screaming, awake, and even if in mechanical error, it is better to die active than to sleep to death.  Well, perhaps others would rather go out gently.  Not I.  Hopefully not too painfully, but even that?  I'd rather die roasting than to not even know I died.  I certainly hope for a... middle ground... mind you.

Up since 2:00 or 3:00?  Wait, no... 5:00, perhaps nigh on 6:00.  Almost woke earlier, but I know I need a bit more sleep so forced myself down.  Sometimes that works, rarely.  It's just that I have been pushing long enough hours so that I am in shape to negotiate.

Today is a holiday, so I can't get in.  However, I might get a check out.  I will be paying for my first beef this month.  I just need to arrange the cuts.  Excited.  Exciting.  I'd like to get a lot of it for jerky, then hamburger, ribeye, and... I don't know?  I actually probably should just speak with them, in person.  I hate the phone.  A shower, too.  Maybe to town, a bit of shopping?  Yeah, but not quite yet.

I hope you have some small celebration, or a big one.  Remembering those from the past and the present.  Be well.

Sleep should be good.

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Only the dead, the ones you have seen, sleep better.  I have been pushing.  Though today and yesterday I kept it to about eighteen hours.  I think?  Anyway.  Even that is pushing things.  I am doing some work, here and there.  I stepped on the pedal... stomped.  Now to figure out how to apply the breaks, but not just stop.  Then... then how to go at a measured pace.  The weather is still fighting me.  Dark, cool, and almost June.

Hmm, looks like the plan will work.

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To bed in the time range I wished.  I did finally put the laundry into the dryer.  Oh, and I made an attempt at another project.  While cleaning the bathroom today, beside removing the toilet seat, which snap attaches to fittings bolted to the toilet body.  Well, this time I decided to take the bolts off and clean those as well.  More, I had hoped to silicon calk around the top side of the toilet boil where those fit down.  I couldn't remember where the calk was, so was going to wait.

However, frugality got the best of me.  I decided to look for what I had, attempt to make that work, even as old as that is.  I did find it.  I was able to dig deeply enough to hit fresh.  I got some to flow.  I think the way the canister was designed (?), at some point the tube simply can't be emptied further.  I was... putting extreme stress on the calk gun while getting no results.  Then I thought back.  Desert Cat suggested Goop.  A... multivariable, multi-formula line of material for adhesion and/or water proofing.  I found one tube of that.  Now, while it was waterproof, it also indicated that it was, pretty much, permanent.  Now, while I would like to think a toilet seat would last a lifetime, or that the bolts would so that I could simply switch out a seat, I wouldn't want to bet replacing a $400 toilet on my assumption.  When you weigh 300, and you are trying to get both the best physical fit and the best flushing toilet, you pay for it.  Trust me, that wasn't luxury.  Luxury is the $1,200 heated seat, or the even more expensive one which literally washes your behind, with warmed water.  A bidet, I think they are called?  Too tired to check, will forget before I do.  A French thing, not sure many others in Europe really digged the idea?

Anyway.  That didn't work.  I did give it a heck of a go.  It wasn't from a lack of effort.  What I have just didn't work.  This time, when I look for calk, I'm hoping to do research to see if something else would do.  A smaller amount of it, perhaps.  Cheaper.  I hate spending that for a one time use.  Though that may be that for that.

I did do some things today.  But the little effort really did hit hard.  Up too long, for too long, too often.  On the good side, the shower took care of my 'dusty eyes'.  I was starting to wonder about my vision.  The shiners just needed sprayed off and out.

Working isn't working out.

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Oh, one load of dishes... a meal cooked and half eaten... and a shower.  That shower was divine.  I still have to dry the laundry.  Bleh.  I might be able to sleep after eighteen hours up today.  I am hoping.  I think?  Did I wake at 21:00?  I... can't remember... or was that when I went to bed.  Yeah, the brain is getting fuzzy.  Anyway, the goal is to go to bed at 21:00~23:00 tonight.  Oh, I did some serious cleaning in the bathroom.  There was that too.

Just... writing something.  I did notice that a bunch of videos have been viewed, involving my... notions of my having a 'different nature'.  Yeah, well.  I've told you boys and girls.  I have evidence.  Mostly dead men... not so much shouldn't... but can't do what I can do.  Heck, healthy people can't.  Now, they can function more often, just not as... hmm... not even sure how to say it.  My mother noticed it, when I was young.  She hoped like hell I didn't turn out bad and tried to forget as fast as her stunned mind could allow.  Now she is just... suspicious.  Knows I'm not... human... probably.  No test for such a thing, it's just that humans die when they do, or don't do, some things.  In my 20's I stayed up for 10 days.

As I have said, I was accepted into the hipster vamp groups out East because I could do what they did but without drugs.  Never used them, didn't need them.  Still don't, it seems.  *grins*  Anywhile, later.

Yeah, still kicking.

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As in alive.  I fell three hours short of a back-to-back pair of 48 hour runs with but nine hours sleep between.  Then again, that first "48" was more like 51 iirc, immss.  I slept nine hours "this last night" as well.  Could just be spring in the air?  The in the world, the sun and weather aren't behaving the part of spring, to my body's senses.  Yet my body KNOWS it's spring.  So... after waiting patiently, it sprung?  Don't know.  Could be.  Anyway, it'll sort out in time.

When waking, I really thought about not playing today.  Just working.  But... nah.  However, I am not going to let this wakefulness opportunity slip my grasp, either.  While I will play, I will also work.  Oh?  Don't believe?  Fie you away!  I've already started.  I cleared and cleaned the toilet, took dirty laundry back and started a load, I have set up to take a shower, I broke down the packages for my new tea and flour cloth kitchen towels and put those back to wash, I am soaking a few dishes which were missed in my usual (now) precleaning, and hoping to get to dishes later.  I've gone through my produce... lemons are done, onions and grapefruit remain to be "tested", apples were gone... tossing and sorting.  Oh, I need to get the basket catches hung, and buy small chain for that the next time I am in town.  It makes sorting fruits and veggies a lot easier.  So... yeah.

Now, that little physical assault on the cave has left me worn.  A shower, finishing that load of laundry, and maybe another, is probably it.  Though, maybe, later, a trip to town... or tomorrow.  Not bad, not bad at all for the living dead.  While some dogs could not hear the horn, and back from the hunt... and some dogs could not break free...  I have been a wonder dog, able to chase, and return, well beyond master and "peer".  Even I, though, must know when to let the fox slip the hunt.  Or... is it I who must give up my ghost to the hunt?  From time to time, I suppose, I have known each.  Today I am letting the fox slip.  The goal is no more than a 24 hour day.  *wink*

Later.

Six more and it would be a 48 pack.

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Nah, I think I'm about to go down.  Nothing fancy.  I'm not hurting or grumpy.  A little numb, perhaps.  Less numb than without the game, though.  I was drifting between wakefulness and sleep, never finding either.  Now I am much more, comparatively, awake.  And when I sleep, there is no doubt.  I get slapped so hard into the dirt I don't see the shadow of the hand, forget about the hand itself.  I'd actually like to make it a few more hours.  That should be possible.  If I was still talking to my docs, they'd be telling me not only should I not do this, but that I can't do it.  They know my diagnosis better than I.  But they don't know... hmm... much.

I am hoping to get to town soon.  A bit of shopping... sides for with the duck... regular perishables...  I have everything I need if I absolutely can't get to town.  But this food isn't bought to enjoy.  It merely allows one to bid time until a better solution avails itself, or is scratched out.  Still, worst come to pass, it will do.  And it will do for quite some time.

I thought about using beer, again.  But it had no affect.  Yeah, as fast as I drank that six pack, I didn't get a very quick light buzz.  Two beers, for me, is less than half a beer for most men, though, for perspective.  Three beers is about a beer, me  to a standard man.  Just size, mostly.  Which means, most of the last few years, I usually really only have a "beer".  I don't even always finish "it".  Still, it really didn't get me down.  Tasted good though.  Which is part of why I drink the stuff.  Better than soda.  Actually, I think of it as the proper means by which men should consume wheat.  Pasta isn't bad, it just doesn't bite back.

Hmm, no, maybe not three more.  Yeah, I think I'm heading in.  Still, I'm up fairly late into the afternoon.  Good night.

Fuck it, I've got 12 more.

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Hmm, might pull two 48 hour shifts in a row.  Who knows.  Yeah, I never did get this.  Sleep just isn't going to happen.

Interesting.

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I've been pulling 24 four hour plus shifts... three in a row, at least.  Okay, 27 hours, so far, today.  But I am heading down.  As for sleep, eight to nine hours per.  And I'm doing well.  I do sleep hard, mind you.  Noice!  I'm not doing much, but I wouldn't have been anyway.  I'm in a down.  So pulling through it with something, anything, is cool.  Pulling I am.

Now, I am doing very little more than I would have been.  Cooking a few more more meals, usually one every several days, but paring the food out to last... a meal or two a day.  Actually I am drinking less tea, more like a gallon, maybe a gallon and an half a day.  Why less?  Don't know.  So it's not extra caffeine.

Yes, still awake.

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Well past 24 hours, probably past 36 hours now.  Didn't mean to do it.  The game is interesting, I would be muddling through neither awake or asleep as I had been for a while anyway, so...  Now, it's probably not the healthiest thing to do, and I am not the healthiest.  However, I have some suspicion that, even though I suspected, felt as if, I was dying, for most of the time the medical field was telling me there was nothing wrong but nerves, the reason I have survived is because I DIDN'T treat myself as if I was dying.  Even suspecting death was near, I kept at it, making it through engineering school, going white-water rafting at a time the water was terribly dangerous, and so on.  If I had placated it I would be dead.  Now, I'm still not sure if they knew, and if they did, the reason they didn't tell me.  Was it because they didn't want to pay out, or because they themselves don't believe in medicine so didn't see it helping, or was it an only hope.  Perhaps they were simply boobs who really didn't know.  I just doubt it.

Eggs this morning.  Toast would have been really nice, even bacon or sausage would have soaked up the extra yoke.  As much as I like it, and even living alone, I just... won't steep to licking the plate clean.  Oh, I want to do so.  Something about a semblance of civility.  Even from an ogre.  The other day I made a decent dish.  I fried sausage, some of the fresh that I got earlier this month.  Boy is very fresh hog rich tasting.  But that is the draw, and you like it (a lot) or not at all I think.  I soaked the juice off those on napkins (need to buy paper towels soon), then used a can of diced tomatoes, adding V8 juice.  Then I added the sausage in to finish.  As that all was seeming done, I added eggs, and let them poach in small little pockets.  I wasn't sure how it would turn out.  I would gladly eat it again.  Perhaps not haute cuisine, or even the finest.  But... enough.  Fresh pork sausage was probably what made the dish, salvaged it?  Yes.

No extra beers.  I realized, aside from beer anyway, I was beginning to wind down.  I am ready, I believe.  I have no idea how long I will sleep.  With the phone off anymore, just hack calls, and no real things going on, who knows.  Although, I am getting hungry for a duck.  I'd like to look at various ideas.  I can roast a duck, chicken, turkey, etc. quite well.  However, I have never attempted a true orange duck (or other fowl).  I haven't tried anything special, noteworthy, or such.  It's about time.  The problem with some of those meals is that it takes an operational event, with purchases, prep and sous chef work, the efforts equivalent of a saucier, and a whole lot of jazz.  You can cut it down, but only so much.

Oh, and I keep... looking out the window.  I want to get back in the trees, with the saw, finish that.  It is fun.  I do want to figure out some... safety procedures.  They might not pass muster for the state, but the state is bankrupting itself trying to force impossible rules which don't allow anyone to get hurt or die.  For one, you really wouldn't want that, not in a fallen world.  Though, with the state being secular now... not just agnostic to faith, but actively against it... they can't see the forest for the trees.  Anyway, while I don't mind taking risks and getting things done, I honestly don't wish to break something, or worse.  Hmm...  If I don't get to it this week, perhaps I could get in to confession.  Which would also allow me to go the the KoC meeting, or one, soon enough.  Gah!

Someone help!  My head has been misplaced and I have no way to find it!  Still, it's not all horrible, mind you.  I'm just laughing at the events.  I'll keep trying and hoping.  Alaska, though... I am beginning to really see that.  It's not going to be a romantic trip.  I have no belief that it will be fun and games.  And, yet, I believe I can figure things out.  A sort of Mr. Magoo.  I have been much of my life.  Next month is the beef, then I can back off and begin financially, and otherwise, planning my last, one way or the other, escape.  I could well live up there for the next forty years, just fine.  Or, in a year or less, retreat back to the lower 48.  We'll see.

Ah, right.  Good night.

Well?

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Well, the trick worked.  I am still no more able to do anything, but I am no longer sleeping and being awake between four and eight hours at a time, completely variably.  However, I am... in another sort of pickle.  I am awake, quite often, eighteen to... many more hours... at a time.  I even tried a trick a bit ago.  When sleep was evasive, in the past, long past when I was not on medicine... or the right kind... I found that drinking alcohol might help.

About that.  I haven't been drinking more than three beers at a time for... well... since before medication was ended.  I couldn't drink four, literally.  However, one, two, and rarely (if never fully) three beers have been a once or twice a month affair.  Just couldn't do it.  Tonight I did six, and might try two more.  Didn't work.  I am not sure I can drink a few more, though it might help.  I do need to sleep.

I have been trying to eat daily.  I have been doing pretty well with the girls, feeding, watering, and such.  Heck, I am sometimes jealous.  They have food on tap all the time, plus treats at least once a day, and wet food once a day.  The timing might not be great, but I am pretty good.  If I fail, it's by feeding them a bit too much.  Everything else has sort of been suspended.  I'll... try to get at it.  I do need sleep though.  Ugh.

Just a brief.  Later, or good night.

Ah, yes, there you are.

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OR:  Here I am?  Depends on how you see things, say things, perhaps your mood.

I said I was getting a new game.  I got it.  Saturday is it?  Time flies when one is stuck between a game, all the time they can put into it, and a complete incapacity to stay away regular hours.  What has happened between then and now is that I have figured out more of a massive open-world type virtual reality, and it's idiosyncrasies, flaws, rules, and tricks than most people would begin to understand in months of play.  Sometimes I have to look something up, more often than not it is native.

Other than that, Sam seemed to disappear recently.  Now, that day, whatever it was... Friday I believe, my garage door was open.  I let Sam out anyway, later that night.  Whoever opened the door subsequently closed it.  Witting of Sam's presence or not, I do not know.  Complicit?  Probably not.  It all depends upon whom closed the door.  Some would, some wouldn't.  Still, I put two and two and three together.  I suspected she was caught.  I just had to work up enough gumption to get dressed enough to go out and brink her in.  She was out most of the latter part of the dark side of a twenty four hour day.  Hmm?  Oh, she was probably locked up from midnight to dawn.  Actually, out for that time.  How long locked up depends upon when whomever closed that door.  She is happy to be back.

Not much else.  I must remember, when not using my phone, to shut it off.  I get calls eight times a day, all junk.  Intrusive, I believe it to be hassling, and with that intent.  Businesses have lost any ethics they may once have had.  With the corruption and enemy of the state this government is, it breeds evil in all other aspects of life.  They know for a small donation they can get away with almost anything.  Worst case, bankruptcy.  The bigwigs will get bailed, the crooks in their employ will be rehired quickly... for they will keep the ball rolling.  It's been that way since after Reagan.  Trump won't change much, should he win.  He will simply, if he closes the border and repatriates, give the US a second chance... a last chance.

The pains have eased up.  Though I may simply be stumbling through on gaming through exhaustion, so too numb to know.  It has been cloudy and cool.  A day or two of sun per week, it seems?  I'll keep at it.  For right now, and on to some unknown point, simply continuing to breath IS keeping at it.  I really should put my vitamins and supplements back together.  It might not be the best, but it might be better than nothing.  Later.  Actually, good night.

A bit cloudy, a bit cool.

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Not terrible things.  Proper spring weather, really, can't complain.  I actually wish I could get out in it.  It's a mild cool, enough to enhance sleepiness though.  Some days are warm enough that I have used the ac along with the fan.  The fan just isn't enough.  Those days are rare, so far.

I went to bed at somewhere between 23:00 and midnight.  I then was able to push sleep through to 5:00, give or take.  Not much, but better.  Two to four hours of sleep seems fairly common.  And my days are shorter than they should be, often nearly equaling my sleep times.  I keep pushing at that if with little luck.  The intent is there, nothing else.

I have kept my consumption of fluid and food, plus all other functions, in line with keeping me from swelling in the legs and elsewhere.  Being normal has become such a regular thing that on the rare occasion I drink a little too much a little too fast I feel a pins and needles sort of mild pain on the tops of my feet.  The inner pains, however, remain.  But that has been fairly regular for many months, probably years, now.  It has always been an on and off thing since first becoming ill.  It used to travel more, but has become regular to one spite... opposite my liver, if I have it right, on the left side of my frontal abdomen... two to three inches in.  As best I can tell.  From what I can see, it is where the small intestine is packed.  My thought is that it is merely muscular?  Just not sure.  As I lose weight, and drink less, perhaps... who knows.  Minor pain, mind you, just a usual thing.

I have a game coming in.  I am hoping it will push me beyond just sitting around.  I've been stuck for some time now.  I have been, mostly, keeping up.  Since the curtains and sheers I haven't been able to do much else.  No laundry, dishes get roughly cleaned then left to dry, no kitchen cleaning, no weeding or tree trimming... nothing, literally.  Sleeping such an odd schedule too.  Sometimes gaming stretches my days and nights back around, if too they sometimes then take those over for some period of time.

That's that.  I might, as I suggested, brew coffee for a change this morning, or make black tea but add whole whipping cream.  Both of those, unlike darjeeling, are too hard, for me, at the strength I drink them, to do without cream.  Though cream adds to viscosity, which is why I backed off coffee lately.  It was simply too thick as I drank it, might have held on to fluid too strongly.  Darjeeling doesn't do that, and I can drink it plain... no sweetener or cream, though once in a while, even so, I don't mind adding xylotol or a partial packet of crystal light, or even, a few times a month, real sugar.  Mint can be okay, more so if iced, and even more so if real sugar is used.  Southerners just get some things right.

Have a good day.  I certainly hope you get to more than I will be.  Later.

The walk between.

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Nothing.  I feel no pain or pleasure, I taste nothing like less, I just am.  I'll try to figure some things out.  For now...  I don't even know what to say.  It's been heading this way for a bit.  When I try to work out of it, eat out of it, play out of it, I just end up right back here trying to remember how I got here.  I've definitely had worse.  The music from yesterday, was it, reminded me of those times.  This is more like purgatory versus a form of hell on earth.  Denuded of good and evil, a time out to gather.  But there is no way to gather.  So this isn't the spiritual, but physical, form of a spiritual place.  I've certainly had worse, and I am all but certain I'll make it back to better before too long.

Dreamed of women last night.  There were a number of women who, when I was secular and busy, slipped my grasp.  Women who were interested, but either had real reasons to not accept my invitation, or from whom I was called away early by duty or command.  It happened, often.  In my dreams I... got another chance with them.  Yeah, that kind of dream.  I woke several times through the night, as I often do anymore.  I prayed for chastity, out loud once, unless that was a dream, or part of one, too.  I think I was awake though.  When the dreams are so real it can be difficult to parse from wakefulness, especially when just barely awake.  I was granted my prayers, if I had to use all my self-control as well.  God only helps those who help themselves.  Though, true enough, sometimes I can't or won't call, or won't follow through.

I don't know about today.  I will be checking on some business.  My schedule is all over the place.  I never know when I will be awake.  I can't plan... anything.  I do need to check things, and perhaps push to be awake at specific times.  Bleh.  No sun, and it  turned back to cool.  I am loving it, in one sense.  I fear the blazing heat.  That's always rough.  Still, if I want to get going, I suppose I am going to have to depend on that happening... whenever it does happen.  A shower already.  Perhaps some cleaning, dishes, and/or laundry.  We'll see.  Later.

You don't just... not die.

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You don't just crawl out of the grave.  You don't just live after dying.  It took ten years to get over the chills.  In and out, back and forth, yeah...  This song made a lot of sense then.  I get the chills just remembering.  Death is cold, boys and girls.  Cold like I can't even describe.

Feeling a bit better.

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My stomach often feels as if it was used in place of a punching bag.  For the last... four weeks?  More?  Something.  Why I can't speculate.  It hasn't gotten soft.  The pain is 'day old', in that it isn't as if it had been used as such a day ago, but more like three to five days... give or take.  A general band, about the size of a cumberband, around the waste, both sides and center front.  Not so rough that the area softened, just enough, actually, to make it tense even harder when bumped or such.  I've had that off and on since I have been sick, from the late 80's on.  Never have figured it out.  Not sure why it has become pervasive... started before I attempted heavier work.  Didn't get better or worse.  That and recovering from strength use and increases are pretty much what I have been dealing with the last two weeks.  On the good side, anacin does help... when I remember to take it.  Just once this week.  If I am not working hard, I generally require that I suffer.  An advantage for working hard.

This week?  Don't know.  I would really like to get back to cutting.  I'd like to hit the easiest first.  I'm not exactly sure which of the three pines that will actually be.  I do know, with the wire gone, two of them will be much easier.  More, cutting up into one may make cutting up into the other also easier.  Two of the trees are a bit too close together.  Beside enjoying the work, it's good to take a little risk now and then.  At least on your own time, in a way you see fit.  Don't let others push you into it, or push you past your own intent or will to it.  And don't have an hen out there cackling about this and that.  Damned dangerous.  Risk, as with bread, is something men need, if not all of it.  And, as we get older, there is some hope that the need will diminish.  Probably should have for me, but I slept through so many years, I now have excess reserves for my age.  *grins*

Trash, tonight.  Dishes too.  Maybe laundry.  Sleep is still really off, but I think I can figure out something for this and that.  If I don't have five hours to run three hours of work through tomorrow, maybe just a couple here then a couple there.  Same with today and tonight.  Work when I can when all else is stink over smile and spinning at a terrible pace on top of it.  No worries, these things too, if I can catch my breath and the rhythm, are quite a little pleasure too.  Who needs feet firmly planted on terra firma when there are seas, skies, and space yet to explore?  And, more, the heavens themselves.  Let loose and learn, for not all of your days should be spent in toil.  And when freedom rings, have at it!  Yes, yes, just woke.  So... have at you also!?!  Only if you disagree with right proper man-thinking.  Dames get a discount.

Later.

Rough.

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I'm not sure what is wrong.  I just know this is a tough last week.  It isn't seeming to get better.  Sleeping and being awake just hours at a time.  I am trying to push.  It's as if I am trying to kick off a pool wall only to find there is neither a wall or a foot.  I have been eating.  But just small amounts overfill me to suffering.  I haven't been drinking all that much either.  Something is simply really off.  I've been meaning to check stats and blood sugar, just haven't gotten around to it or much else.  I am keeping the girls fed, watered, letting Sam in and out.  Though I really should get the cat litter completely changed out.  I keep slacking on that.  Doing my best.

I took a shower, then headed to town for grocery shopping.  Mostly just a bit of milk, a bit of this, and that.  Fresh fruit is great to keep on hand, if possible.  Milk is a liquid meal that, technically, no one could argue with too much.  If nothing else is consumed, it offers some good things.  I am trying to figure it out.  I just can't seem to get off the bench.  At least I helped with the raking.  But it required guilt, awareness, and a bit of luck.

I'd love to climb the trees again this week.  Now I can cut what is needed to get where is needed to cut what is the actual goal in the main tree.  Hopefully I will be well enough to get into the other tree for that one, maybe two, possibly three limbs.  Then there is the other three trees I haven't even touched.  One is another pine... like both of those I have worked so far.  There are a bunch of dead branches in it, though it will really look sharp getting those out.  The last two trees are lunkers.  They literally have branches that can be two feet in diameter or more.  The base is five to six feet in diameter, roughly.  There is at least one widowmaker up one of them.  I think that can be approached from another side, relatively safely.  Lots of dead that would be good to get out, that widowmaker shouldn't be too much trouble from above, if tied in well, wisely.  Those last two tress are easier in one sense, the limbs give plenty of room for relatively easy climbing.  On the other hand, they will have to be climbed, limb to limb, by rope.  I can't just cut a limb or two off to make a path.  Rope work, and that is a whole new old gig.  So old it might as well be a new trick.

Not sure I'll be able to get to any of that.  Not sure why I am so upside down healthwise, or at least regarding energy and sleep/wakefulness.  I'll keep trying to figure things out.  Good night.