So dark.

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I woke sometime between 8:00 and 9:00.  Actually probably earlier, but it didn't look like it was day yet.  I can't believe how dark it actually is, or was.  It is lightening just a bit.  No worries, I don't see much rain or snow arriving.  I'm not sure about flooding, as snow up high melts though.  It wouldn't be much of a problem right here.  But serious flooding could cause some problems getting to town.  I haven't seen more than a scare of that.

I received an email telling my my phone should be working.  I would like to have had someone stop and make sure.  I was here, so it wasn't for lack of that.  I really hate companies who connect and run.  It's pretty chickenshit.  Very.  I'll check my phones, see if I have anything working through either of them.  I had a few other questions too.  I suppose I can look things up online, but that is general, and often questionable, information.  How long can I run a split line, for example.  I don't seem to have a connection in this the computer room, or the living room.  How many splits off one line, or can I add two splitters in a row?  Say, bring a line from the bedroom or kitchen into the living room, then split one off from that into the computer room?  That is, assuming any of my lines actually work.

Today?  A shower, dishes, picking up the meat order, calling the phone company to thank them for the chickenshittery and ask those questions, or get them back here if the phone doesn't work.  I'm not paying for a dead hookup, either.  It's such a nasty greedy rude world these days.

There is some hope I'll get to these things, and more.  Oh, and catch back up on medicine.  I keep missing.  This time it was being laid low by the dark and cool.  I just lose track when it's like this all of a sudden and for a while.  I'll... get back to it.  Later.

The problem with Republicans.

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Obamacare-light?  What that is saying is a continuation of socialized medicine.  Look who is supporting it.  Republicans who don't face a challenge in '18 and leftists dressed as Republicans.  Who is against it?  Republicans who will have to face typical conservative voters.  I am hoping the latter win.

It would be better to kill zerocare, even without replacing it, than to allow any part of it to stay.  If any part of it stays, it will very possibly eventually lead to singlepayer plans.  What is that?  It is government controlled medicine.  If this isn't stopped it will only become stronger.  If they cut it a bit now, but leave it rooted, it will destroy medicine in short order.

Some are trying to accuse Republicans who know better, or at least face elections by people who know better, of standing on principle.  This... isn't principle.  If zerocare or zerocare-light are the law, then there will be no difference.  Might as well keep it pure zerocare, because that will burn out much more quickly and force a total revision.  Zerocare-light will, as has been done on almost all things government, merely kick the can on down the road for... who knows how long.

Choices.  Burn zerocare-light.  Do NOT let that pass.  You have to kill this thing now.  The cost, in all ways, for Republicans to not listen to us and to not do what is smart, is total disaster.  Chaos is coming.

If they disturb your Zen, give them a bird.

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No, not that bird.  And, not always just one.  Flock them, if need be.

Well, it's just a suggestion.

Ah! Can't travel today.

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Not immediately.  Telephone installation.  I have no idea when that might be.  I best keep my phone nearby and such.  Oh, and I could look for the various jacks.  I know there is one in the kitchen.  I think there is on in the bedroom, perhaps both bedrooms.  I would like to check the bathrooms.  Not terribly sure I want a phone in bathrooms.  Then again, if your luck is like mine?  It's when I am in there that I receive calls.  It makes one wonder if companies think they are funny or cosmic alliances try to be so.

I have two phones, currently.  Nothing fancy with them.  However, they are corded start to stop, no open air communications.  If they want to bug me, they'll have to do it the newer old fashioned way.  It used to be that they had to literally attach something to the phone.  Now, more often than not, they can simply splice the lines and listen in at their leisure.  Well, and if you transmit over the air, they can grab that.  My bet is they don't even bother with judges when they listen to the airwaves.  I wouldn't even say they are playing fast and loose.  I believe our government has completely disregarded judicial oversight (if in some cases rightly, that is breaking the system).  At this point the government is weaponized against us and the judiciary, through it's own corruptions and overreach, has crippled itself and seems to be insisting on going all the way.  Just telling you.

I might have time to pick up the meat that was ordered, or not.  If so I will, and might make it on in for that last little bit of shopping.  I opened a tin of butter, nice to have, but it's... not as good as fresh butter.  Powdered milk just... doesn't cut it.  It would be an emergency staple, nothing more.  Yeah, I'll get in either today or tomorrow.  Oh, and I should check on the hog.  I don't know if I will do lamb again.  It was great, but a bit pricey.  Pork and beef, and now I am adding chicken a bit more, for meats.  I'd love fish, but what I can trust is out of my daily-driver pricing.  To get something that doesn't "pass" through China (which means... they can't be trusted, it is just as likely stuffed with their own poison-water caught fish)... it's $30 plus per pound for that.  Maybe a quarterly treat, no more, I have decided.

I just wish I could figure out fishing.  A week up there, a month... camping and eating from my freezer... would allow me to catch trout.  Have to avoid some waters though, they require you to take lesser fish... no catch and release on some.  Can't guarantee trout take.  So be it, but I'll fish where I can make that choice.  If I could get to fishing, and get good enough at it.  *shrug*  If I had a friend to go on fishing trips with, that would help.  Though... maybe even not then?  Camping and fishing, cooking out there and all else, is... a bit of effort.  Once it's down, though, perhaps... it might be more doable?  Hmm... I might, actually, know someone.  If I could afford the extras and gas, and he could talk his wife out of his presence for a bit or to go with...  Could be.  I might check on that.

Oh... on to... something.  Later.

Another day.

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I probably should close up the house at night.  It's still a bit too chilly.  It makes getting going a trifle complicated.  I may have to turn the furnace on for a bit this morning.  Best to turn it off by noon though, as the afternoons are getting a bit too warm.  No dreams or troubles, just a good sleep.

Dishes, today, and a trip to pick up steaks.  I forgot a few things when shopping, and am running out of milk from the second to last shopping.  Mustard, milk, butter, and 8-gallon trash bags should work.  I bought a couple of trash bins, one for the laundry room and one for the bathroom.

I have tried the step-on lid-opening trash cans, just one, in the bathroom.  I find it annoying.  I may dust it off and see if anyone wants it.  I even bought trash bags just for it.  The whole thing is annoying.  Somewhat fancy, with stainless plates.  Never really did end up using it.  Hate to toss it, but that may be what happens.  Trust me, annoying.  I much prefer something that is always open, has a larger target for trash, and allows for the bag to be pulled and replaced without some strange and complicated process for removal and replacement.  And it doesn't hold much.  Bleh.

Yeah, but first turning up the furnace and waking.  Later.

Another dark day.

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That and I had the windows open.  I thought I would be able to work through it.  I ended up going down for a serious count.  Eventually I had to shut the windows and turn up the heat.  I still napped a bit longer until it was warm enough so that I could wake.  Ugh... a four hour nap.  I crashed so very hard.  It is still dark, overcast.  It's not a bad thing, it just, along with the chill, was too much.

I am hoping to get to dishes before too long.  And if that goes well, then hit dried laundry.  That may be it for today.  I simply don't have energy beyond that.  Two dark days, back to back, crashed my systems.  Later.

Another day, a good one.

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I did have a troubling dream.  In it something broke my front door.  It wasn't meant to enter my home, but to disturb.  It wasn't even a physical attack, it was spiritual.  It was meant to annoy, insult, or such.  Old friends.  Very, very, old friends visited.  Friends no more to be sure.  And, yet, kin as well.  That will never change.

I called the police, though merely to make a statement so that insurance would pay the damages... or at least that avenue would be open.  I warned them not to approach unless everything seemed right to them.  I asked that they sound their alarm when they arrived so that I could go out to them.  I was unwilling to have them harmed for this.  I told them to drive on by if a large darkness was present.  Sure, they might have thought be a bit crazy.  But, oddly, I have saved disbelievers lives in the past at such a risk.  They don't believe, but if something is odd they will leave.  They will continue to deny, then treat me differently from then on, but they will live.

The sun hid.

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I'm not sure if it was mostly that way when I woke, or if it happened sometime midday.  All I know is, at about midday, I myself clocked out.  The house is airing out, windows open here and there.  Life is more comfortable with fresh cool air.  But with the sun being a recluse, sleep took over.  I feel exhausted even yet.  I am trying to avoid killing my schedule fully though.

I set the dishes to a fresh rinse before going down.  I'll have to dump some of that and refresh it, before drying them.  But I think I can.  The only other thing I might get done yet tonight would be working on laundry.  Fried.  I'll make some large effort to kick those things out for a clean start tomorrow.

Oh, was having internet problems.  Either the internet, my portion of it, or the mechanical nature of it, is a problem, or it is busy.  It really isn't built to handle anything close to full demand.  When you have an hundred passengers on a device meant for fifty, the experience tends to suck.  Oh, no, we don't have a problem, they will say.  What they won't say is, yes, YOU have a problem.  Get it?  Me either.

Hopefully that has improved, but I don't see how it would.  What happens in a pond full of fish trying to suck too little oxygen out of too little water?  Increased demand.  Eventually it, along with much else, has to pop.  Building that much infrastructure isn't... really... possible.  Not quickly.  Regardless what they say, the plan is for fewer workers, getting money this or that way, with free services to occupy our time.  Well, and sites to "register" our unhappiness about "x".  Ridicules.  Do you think they don't know or that they care?  They will give what they want.  They will merely gauge when they have to give more grain, blood sport, or "X", depending on their whims, not our needs or even wants.  Volume equals another release of something.  I'm telling you, better to hold onto your rage to make sure things change, not spend it to notify them to send more "X".

Hmm?  Oh... nothing.  I don't think most get it.  Yeah!  Go team "X"!  :p

No time for that.

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I escape there from time to time.  That I live at all is beyond... probability.  Some have even attempted to help get me over, for their or my purposes only they, for sure, can know.  All is never as it seems.

She tried to save me, a she, several of them.  The first who tried thought she failed.  She did, but it was not I who was lost.  The world, and seeming reality, is upside down in strange ways.  She did lose me, but in the end it was I who survived.  If in a place and way so that I could not save her.  Though I am all but certain she could not have been saved.

There was that.

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I am not sure when I went to bed.  Perhaps after 18:00, maybe even beyond 20:00?  Perhaps before 18:00?  I just.  I kept looking at the time, hoping to remember.  I simply did too much, and was awake too long, given recent history, to have had anything left for that last bit of memory.  No worries.  I am more than enough happy with what I did and how long I was awake, especially given recent history, to have to pay that minor price.  Right at bedtime I flipped and flopped the mattress, then made the bed.  A fresh linens and a freshly made bed, turned down, is a treat.

Today?  Hopefully, mostly, dishes.  At least what remains to rinse, then at least a first soak and wash for what remains.  As well, work on laundry.  Mostly dealing with the clothes and linens that have been washed and dried already.  If those things go forward, I will do one last thing and hit more dirty laundry.  Small batches, folding as I go.

As that goes, so goes the rest.  This week will be dedicated to getting the kitchen back in order, the bathroom put back to rights, and food back to production.  Then back to the main bedroom, then living room.  Separating what is to be thrown and what will otherwise go where... and calls to find out how much a dumpster costs and considerations of when to get one in.  If I am mostly ready for it, I can probably get it for as little as a month with weekly pickups, maybe just two weeks if they will work that way.  But I have to be ready to toss, at least mostly.  I have purchased a heavy duty shredder both to that end and to begin keeping up on "mail".  Most of it is junk, but all of it seems to have too much information on it to be lightly tossed.  Munch a munch.

I honestly am a bit surprised with what I accomplished yesterday.  Today will be a light day.  Then, maybe, as much as I can, back at it tomorrow.  Oh... my ps4 updated.  Now I can't watch video.  What do these clowns do?  If you can't get it right, pretty much every time?  Don't do it.  These updates aren't helping anyone.  It is just them trying to hold onto every little penny, and trying to force us to play games in such a way that they can expose us to as much advertising and social conditioning as possible.  Louts.  If you can't even do it right, don't do it.

Later.

Bits and pieces, again.

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I have arranged for a landline, to be installed Tuesday.  I am hoping to check several outlets while the installer is here, to make sure they work.  If not perhaps I can get some work on that scheduled.  Three or four phones is more convenient.  It is more expensive than it used to be.  But it's never been cheap.  Way back in the late 80's or early 90's, the last time I had a landline, it was $30~$35 and somewhat limited.  I don't think I had unlimited long distance as I am getting with this.  I have serious doubts about what might be local, where I live.  And I hate not having a solid idea about the bill.  When it's in, I'll get it set up for automatic payments as well.

I tried to find my schedule card for a haircut.  I'm trying to keep it neat, at least.  I must have lost the card.  So I called in.  Apparently I am not listed for this or next week.  I'll have to ask the barber about it.  Yeah, she is licensed as both a barber and beautician.  Anyway... I know I had been set up for sometime this week.  I'll see if she doesn't want my business.  Nothing personal, on my part.  But... maybe she just doesn't like me.  In any case, I have an appointment set up for as soon as possible.

The bed is stripped.  The first load of bedding is going.  I'll wait until it is finished, then perhaps do another load of bedding, mostly blankets.  When that load is done, I'll get a shower in.  Shopping and picking up the steaks on the way home after that.  I couldn't find fresh baking powder/soda, so the bed will just have to air out simply.  Hmm... could turn the fan on.  It's not that it smells horrible, it's more that I don't want it to begin doing so.  I'll flip and turn it when I get back from shopping.

What else?  Ah.  A little break from laundry, this, and that, then I'll get the trash collected and out before I take a shower.  I've let some things go, and can tell it.  When things are removed, and if and when it is warm enough, I'll open up the cave and let the spring air clear some of that out.  Yeah... work, work, work.  But I seem to be doing okay.  Hmm?  Oh, I'd love one of those steaks tonight.  I have other meat thawed though.  I will put a steak, maybe two, out for later in the week.  Oh yeah.

On to... the rest of it.  Ah, this will go out later in the day.  It is nearly noon.  Just... a thing.  Later.
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Done, and more.  To town grocery shopping.  Everything is put up.  All of the laundry is finished drying.  I need to flip, and flop, the mattress, putt on the bedding, and sleep when I can.  A wonderful lot of work.  I didn't get the dishes going.  Tomorrow.  I hope to finish the rinse loads, then put the pots and pans that had become a bit too ripe to soak.  Perhaps wash them at least once, as well, while hopefully airing the house out.

I am tired, but... good.  Not sore, not stretched, just... a reasonable weariness for a fair amount of effort.  Strange, after being down for so long, how I can just get up, sometimes.  Good night.

Up well.

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I won't need heat, unless a really cold spell arrives.  Again, this morning, it's 68 in the main of the house.  That is definitely warm enough for me.  I had hoped to stay asleep until 4:00 but only made it to nearly 3:00.  Brushed my teeth first thing, will get a shower in before long then set the dishes for a rinse, perhaps finishing some out.  I would like to get beans on the soak.  A batch of ham and beans would be one main food for the week.  I ordered a large placket of ribeyes yesterday and will do other shopping when I go out to pick those up.

Yeah, probably.  I did call a couple of phone companies listed as local.  One was closed.  Weird that a bigger company would ever be closed.  The other one simply doesn't offer service in my exact location.  I have one phone on hand, and have ordered another.  Both to have phones in several locations, hopefully, and to try to make sure at least one of them will work.  All are corded.  I'm tired of eavesdropping.  Oh, it might still occur.  But it will be as illegal as hell.

With the dishes, shopping, and other things on the move, I am going to hit laundry as well.  Actually I mean to strip the bed, after this, take all bedding into the laundry room, and start with the sheets from this and last time, then blankets.  When I strip the bed, I'll dust the mattress with baking soda/powder... you know which... I'll then 'dust off' the powder/soda and turn and flip the mattress later today.

All this will make me sore.  I've been... down for a long time.  Soreness is good.  Doing that, and finishing dishes today, and taking out the trash while setting up another load of dishes and cleaning the kitchen?  Yeah, maybe. Some, most, all, maybe more.  We'll see.  Chop, chop, Hopsing!  Burning daylight.

Good morning and day.  Chop, chop!

Warm.

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Almost too warm.  The report suggests it hit 71 today.  I'm not quite ready for that.  I called my mother though.  She says it was 8 below this morning.  Yeah, at this point in the game, if I have to choose, I might just go with the heat wave.  Oh, and they got eight inches of snow as well.  Yeah.  I... think I'll go with the heat.  Not only that, but the sun is becoming potent and is out for longer... two different things, both are more like multipliers than additives.  With a stone house, that means the place doesn't cool down so much.  The furnace, at night, is set at 66 F.  It is only cooling to 68... fine in that the furnace doesn't ever run.  But I need the fan, until I get used to it.  Yeah, I'm... a creature of fire.

I hit the dishes.  I am hoping to get a shower.  Then I'll have to set the dishes to a final rinse.  I am hoping to do beans and ham.  I also have some other meats thawing.  I have created a list of groceries, for whenever I get in.  I am behind, and still not moving fast.  The shower might help.  The heat might push me along, if it doesn't burn me out.  Yeah, I'll keep trying.

Business to do.  Lots of it.  Far behind.  I've been fried though.  I am hoping a shower today and tomorrow, and all else, might get me going.  So much business to do or check!  I should make a list just for that.  Medicine is going, and may still be part of the problem.  You have no idea and you probably don't want a sample of my life.  You will get it.  I just pray it isn't decades of this level of complication and pain.  Then again, when you get used to it, it's doable.  Just take it a bit slower.  If you can learn to hide the pain.  Good day.

One little choice can make a large difference.

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Quitting gab, if that isn't all.  I've backed out of a whole political and social system that went with it.  Too much faggotry, too many questionable notions, too much too much.  At this point, if it isn't Christian, and rather solidly, traditional, then it isn't for me.  That includes not going to most churches, including many Catholic churches.  It certainly excludes many secular or general Christian groups, orgs, and associations.  You can't be pro-gay, hateful to those of us who disagree, AND Christian.  You have just failed, miserably.  You also can't be totally pro-government, anti-nationalist, pro-open borders, AND Christian.  It doesn't work that way.

I don't have to win, here on earth.  As a fact, the best I can possibly do is draw even until I draw my last breath, and that will happen if I die of truly natural causes.  If my life is shortened, or simply ended against my will, all that is right and true, and God's true notions, then I will have lost... in an earthly way.  To be honest, I'm... thinking I probably already lost.  But, that isn't even important, save to those who believe only in this earth.  Winning on earth isn't my goal.  That will surely see one, almost certainly, to losing beyond.  That I don't want to do.

I see that I obviously don't fit in the world.  And the part that was breaking away so as, in theory, to make a place for my kind... has failed.  As I thought, my kind have to make our own place.  We have to create, protect, and manage our little bit of the world as best we are able.  Some things need to be government, such as the protection of the nation.  Though how can a nation be protecting me by allowing foreigners in without even checking for legal issues, illness, or anything else?  My government, or parts of it, are at war with me and mine.  I don't know if there is an organization out there to join, even loosely.  But Gab, and the alt-right sum total, is becoming just as questionable as big and little 'l' libertarianism, the republican party, the tea party, and the rest.

Alt-right seems to be trying to be bigger tent than the republican party, more stylish and queer than libertarianism, and more popular than the tea party.  There is alt-white, which is just a refresh of the democrat party.  It won't work.  There are the Jew haters, which is the wrong target... it's isn't Jewish elites, it's most elites, who want socialism so long as cronyism is primary.  Jewish, Catholic, Mormon, all of the elites are on the wrong side.  Globalism and socialism work to their greedy and sometimes dark ends, not ours, and very specifically and directly not America and Americans' benefits.  Globalism would destroy all we have believed America to be.  Yeah... there isn't a race or religion that bears the mark as singular scapegoat.  Or exact government.  It is the merging and allowances of big government and big business, from elite to bureaucrat to lying cheating elected official.

Hmm? I don't know.

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I remember when I was young.  I didn't know what I didn't know.  No one took me seriously.  Why should they.  I couldn't even call them out.  Though I suspect I made the effort.  Used to bite, too.  Ankle-biter indeed.

Food.

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I have to figure out food again.  I have gotten behind on everything.  I'll have to dig through the house, first.  Cleaning, clearing, getting the kitchen in order, work, work, work.  I need to get this all figured out.  Food will just have to work itself out, for a bit.  After that?  Plans.

Food prep doesn't haven't to be just a medium and long term thing.  Short term can go in on it, to some degree. Weekly menu planning?  Well, some of it.  If I can have enough cooked and ready for a week, or two, even just a meal or two a day, that would be good.  Some of it... I don't think it can all be planned, and prepped on one day, but that is... sort of the new goal.

Perhaps making spaghetti meat sauce, use zucchini in or a few other things for base, make a ham and bean soup, and perhaps one other thing... pack them in portioned containers, and just eat as needed?  There are several problems.  But it isn't impossible.  Container clear, clean, and return?  Would probably need two groups of containers, enough for two 2-week plans.  At least.  Enough for 3 weeks might be wiser.

Next, creating menus.  Perhaps a main meal per day, better snacks, and a few variable items for mixing and matching.  I have seen people set up a week of just one meal.  I... just couldn't do that.  All of this is questionable.  Lots of doubts, worries, concerns.  Just... but... maybe.  It would be, to my mind, a good way to go.  I would like to see about it.  I am not sure I can keep up, and follow through.  If I could, it would be a huge boon.  I've got to do something.

I am doing well enough, financially.  Next month I will easily be well back in the saddle.  I mean surprisingly well back in the black.  I may begin planning to get some help here, cleaning and all.  Or checking on the dumpster.  Maybe both.  At least as soon as I can get going a bit more strongly.  No reason to have a dumpster I can't fill.  Ugh...  I am getting better, but... slowly... and not more energetic.  I'm... I'll... keep at it.  Later.

Did it early.

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I quit gab.  I just saw no reason to stay.  The news was just as questionable as elsewhere, and purely political.  Mostly it favored one political direction, but in the paradigm that there is only left and right, communist and socialist, and nothing else.  Of no real use to any but the media and academic who live in their false little worlds... and those who want to be a part of that.

People would drop me for... something, anything, nothing... or join.  Many aren't who they said, supporting Jews but not, or being Christian but having very odd takes if so.  No one was really your friend.  They wanted likes, having their posts resposted, and upvotes.  Rarely returned.  And they would hunt in packs, some vast groups in there.  Hens, in large and smaller groups.  Only men, such as myself, didn't really get involved, mostly.

One less pain in the butt to think about.  Thankfully it wasn't too terribly emotional, one way or the other.  I was simply trying to figure the thing out.  I won't say I did.  I will say I probably have a better idea than most.  You can get the likes and links if you sell yourself, but just so much.  The crowd is fickle and will turn on you in a heartbeat.  Too much or too little access, alone, can cause problems.  I got to 6k followers, and at most followed ~22k accounts.  I was just curious.

It... just wasn't worth the time.  Well, and my account had stopped growing.  Along with all else, I suppose I simply thought that I had seen and done about all I could.  I wasn't willing to try selling or buying any more than what I did.  Perhaps I will blog more.  Or I will end even this.  I'm not seeing a point to it all.  No one comments here.  Hmm...  Maybe just make it private?

Funny thing?  For as hated as I am?  The junkies might just shoot me for going offline.  Yeah, right?  Though I think some who use such have wrung my blog dry.  Especially with nothing coming up fresh.  I'll think on it.  I'm still betting that a lot of people didn't think I would quit, even at the 100 day mark.  I don't have their addiction.  Later.

I see more clearly over time.

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Any problem eventually solves itself, if you put in some thought.  For example, the problem with much of politics today is that the left is dressing itself up, again, as the right.  The push on gab, for example, for Wilders, is a foul play.  Wilders might be against muslim warmigration, but he is left in all other ways.  I think he is even gay.  That was out once, then they tried to hide it, and have since.  As I have suggested, that isn't the way forward for the West.  If that is what the hope of the West must rely on, many would rather see it burn down and allowed to regrow.

Oh, I realize there are many on that side.  I also know that those who are against it will simply stop supporting any politicians.  Yes, I have dropped politics.  I might have, in some ways, in my writings, occasionally in conversations, and strongly, supported Trump.  But that was it.  I do not have much involvement with politics these days.  Faith, prayer, God, that is about it.  Politics has become, for the most part, a ruin... having nothing to do with the hope of my or any people.  When everyone has the vote, nobody does.  And it is much easier to fix.  Hell, North Korea holds elections.  It's illegal NOT to vote.  Probably China too.  You... should get it just from that, but you won't.

I had hoped gab would be a source of news.  And, sometimes, it can be.  But the news is from the left/gay portion of the so-called "right".  Not of much interest.  As well, much fake news.  A lot of "reporters" trying to make a name for themselves by writing long, boring, meandering, articles that don't even end in a good point.  Though, from what I have seen of the media these days, that's... about par for the course.

I suggested I might stick around until after his first 100 days.  I am rethinking that.  Besides, social media seems to be a propaganda production contest more than anything else.  I'm just not interested in going that way.  Might as well hook up to a morphine drip and slide that way, I suppose.  It just isn't my thing.  I'll decide, or... time will slip to the 100 days.  You don't have to make up your mind, always.  Some things will just happen.

Later.

Odd things.

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A name.  Some thoughts shared.  Shouldn't.  Much like this blog but elsewhere.  It's why I don't invite them in.  Besides, I know gab is goofing with the numbers I am seeing.  Why they would do it I don't know.  My "viewers" are pegged at 6404.  The problem is, when people ask to follow and then I accept?  The number doesn't change.  I am wondering how many I really have.  It probably wouldn't be higher.  I suspect it is far smaller, say... a few thousands, hundreds, less?  I just don't know.  I am not exactly sure why they would hide it, either.  Perhaps, even as unpopular as I might be, I am a driver.  Just a business thing.

Well, nothing that can be a dog and pony show should be believed I suppose.  I guess I always just hope that things are honest.  I promise, they aren't fudging for my feelings.  I guess I would just like to know why.  It doesn't bother my feelings, and really won't be a party to when I quit.  I am there to look over data.  I know I am not accepted in the world, mostly... or at all.  Rightly or not.  Nor believed, really.  Even those who know the facts, real health facts and knowledge of my deaths, and... such things... they don't believe.  Or work almost as hard at disbelieving as I used to work.  Even my mother... hides from things she knows, from as a child to yesterday.  It's just the way it is.  Much as, if most folk saw a ghost they would convince themselves that they hadn't until they wouldn't even remember the event.  I... am that event.

I guess I can't blame.  Took me a very long time to just accept that some things, and some people, are different.  Or, perhaps, confused.  There is that possibility.  Insanity is there.  Or just, maybe, the heart problem brings too much confusion in.  Just, for my part, I had to submit to what I experience, saw, see, and deal with it.  Ever form of test I have been able to perform comes clean, or clear enough.  It's all I can do.

Never mind.  A few more months and I will move on.  Not sure about the blog.  Nothing is sure.  Not here, now, in the past, or even in the future.  Nothing is sure for those who draw breath.  I do believe that after the final breath there will be surety.  Though, I suspect, even then, only in time... if oddly in a place of timelessness.  Until... that too falls away and a time and place is reborn.  I am sure about the first part, the latter is taken on faith.

I am going to try to do some work.  I just haven't been... energetic.  I am doing better, and better on top of it.  But work has been... out of reach.  I am hoping, before bed, I can do the dishes, see to a load of laundry in the dryer, and take a shower.  Oh, love showers.  Maybe a bath tomorrow.  Good day, and night for my part.

If seven year olds directed?

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Actually, it might be an improvement.  Just... saying.

Back on medicine.

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It seemed one day off from carvedilol and then back on it helped me turn a minor corner.  Now I feel better.  I am not doing more.  If I feel better, the chances of getting back to work increase.  Sometimes I can do that right through misery, usually not.  Again, tonight, I will make an effort.  I did do some things yesterday, but very mild, couldn't stay at it for long, hoping for more.

Sleeping was a little off.  I think that might be because the world is warming.  I used to fan, which helped me rest, but it... just feels a bit warm, even so.  I told you, I am, in some ways, more closely related to a bear than to a man.  Though if I can get ahead of the warming curve, and work things out, I'll do just fine.  I have been doing better with the heat these last few years... mostly.

I've been getting into it a bit on gab.  Something about people thinking they should be able to be out, gay, and we should all be happy about it.  No.  Just... no.  They were, against my wishes, given don't ask, don't tell.  It wasn't enough.  Now not only will they not get that, I suspect they are going to have to go back in the closet.  We are sick and tired of having their weirdness handed out as if it was normal.  More so as we are finding out that pedophilia is a cause of much of it, and a further want from their community.  No more forward movement in that area.  Back, back and far back.  They would be lucky if they get the tolerance from the 1950's.  I think I've lost the followers who go that way, or the ones I will lose.  Not just gays, but those who believe such should be open and welcome in society.

There are other topics, as well.  Why can't people be openly anti-American?  Ask any nation that.  It is illegal to burn the flag in France (and many other nations).  It is illegal to form and run a group aimed to undermining the nation as it exists, in this very nation.  It just isn't acted upon, yet.  It isn't, per se, the government that people need to hold an allegiance, but to the nation, which is the people.  The problem is too many foreigners are being brought in so that who the people are is changing, and in a negative way.  Not everyone in America, citizen or no, is an actual American.  Besides some rights having to have very specific limits, some people shouldn't have the rights of a US citizen at all.  We are going to fix this, one way or the other, in very short order.  Right now it's looking a bit better for the survival of the US.  But it's a tight race.  So... those who display anti-Americanism will just have to be dealt with as such.

Fair?  Is it fair that I was born here, and not in Zimbabwe?  Is it fair that the water I drink is, mostly, survivable to drink?  Nothing is fair.  But nothing can be fixed along those lines.  Would it be fair for those who have to lose what they have so that no one has anything better?  And it isn't as if the haves, by nations, haven't tried to help the have-nots.  But you can't get a 70 IQ people to even learn not to shit in their water, let alone keep a well working.  At some point you simply have to understand that... fair isn't... quite the variable it seems.  Fairness cannot be meted out, it was set at birth.  If all men are created equal, than all two legs are not men.  But... we knew that, madame.  Right?  Right.

Oh... well...  On to... something.  Good morning, or night to you.

Better if still slow.

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I have been taking medicine well.  I took an half day off yesterday, not taking yesterday night pills.  Once in a while that's actually a good thing.  Best not to make it a habit is all.  I think I slept better for it.  But, back on track today and on.  That stuff is brutal, more when starting it up.  A break once in a while is good, allows me to catch my breath in some sense.  Like carrying a heavy load, and letting it off, almost literally.

I am hoping to do some work today.  I haven't yet this weekend.  But this little lapse in medicine and the ease it brought, might buy me a starting point.  Dishes, trash, and maybe some laundry.  Oh... definitely would like to clear and clean the linens, turn the mattress while letting it air out, then have it all ready to put back together for bedtime "tonight".  Yeah, maybe.

If I do get my cave up to speed, seriously, I'll keep it that way.  If I do that for a month, I'll send a ticket to my mother.  A lot of if's, but that's... just the way it goes.  We don't get along, for many reasons.  If I think I want to keep at it. Then again, that's life.  We have improved a great deal.  There was a time when I wouldn't speak to the woman.  Yeah, it has improved.  Not sure it'll ever be much better, but... this might be enough.

On to... something or other.  Waking first.  Good night, and day.

Sore, over sleeping, tired, but better.

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I think things are improving.  The extra sleep is my body figuring out medicine.  Today, when I woke, for the first time in a while, I feel really awake.  Not energetic but not with a permanent sense of dull sleepiness that haunts steps and thought.  I am hoping to do some work again.  It probably won't be a great deal of work, just enough to call it a start.  It is the weekend so the idea is to not even attempt too much work, as a general rule.

I am considering what to do with blogging and gab.  It may be time to begin thinking about it all.  After the first 90 days of Trump, what else he will or can do may be sliding.  After that, I think he will pretty much be out of steam.  They have been trying to shut him down since before he took office.  I don't know if he can get much else through after that.  Then again, who knows, maybe he already got what he really wanted and they are at loggerheads just for show.  Politics, business, family affairs, often kabuki theater is how things run.

The wall, pretty much, is all I expected.  Anything else was bonus, gravy.  Much of the else, while interesting, can be undone with a pen by the next president, and congress isn't interested in changing anything.  They seem to profit, what should be illegally, from fast major changes in the government.  They aren't going to cut off their access to insider trading.  Which means they want corrupt, overbearing, governance.  I don't think Trump can change that.

I'm not finding better news... anywhere.  Partisan is partisan.  As to the quality of news beyond that, it's not better or worse.  Siding with my notions using bias that is just as wrong is only interesting until I realize it is just as wrong.  The news simply isn't for information, but cheerleading.  I'm not interested, since neither team seems to be for America, Americans, the middle class, propriety, or such.  Yeah, a few more months and I may simply cut these cords too.

If I continue to blog, I may do it privately.  Perhaps going to a hand written form.  No one comments.  Cool, just... no reason to share, really.  I am surprised my blog hasn't been shut down anyway.  Access to music is pretty complicated and coming to an end.  Paying for access without advertisements is not worth it, since they can and do simply yank things, and seem to further be censoring ideas.  They've done it to themselves.  Their income model might be fine if they weren't censoring, or removing content that had been available for many years at some whim, or a new owner's demand.  Little need for the internet without blogging and music video access.

Well... on to... something.  Good evening.

Tired?

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I doubt if you have ever hit the depths of that.  Imagine being so tired that listening to music hurts.  Mild, rock, metal, alt, religious, doesn't matter.  Hurts.  I'm not even sure how it can hurt.  Some sort of overload.  I can listen today, mostly.  Short episodes, one song at a time really, milder tunes, lower volume.  Yeah.  I could still rip a bear in half, that's never a problem.  Actually, when I am that backed into a corner I am probably even more terrible.

Medicine.  What it does, what happens when it is missed, as it is being started again.  My life is a brutal thing sometimes.  Thankfully I generally don't take it out on anyone.  Then again, it's not like I could get to it.  Someone would have to start it.  Yeah, I could probably finish it, wouldn't even notice until I got better.

I'm nearing doing better.  But it might be touch and go for a few days to weeks.  And then I'll be upping the dose, so...  Still, I will be trying to get to more as I can.  I might or might not have the ability.  I love the testing.  I love trying the nearly impossible.  Even if I fail, the effort... it's wonderful.

Oh, you know... I have been hungry for oyster for a very long time, and good sea food, fish of some sort.  I may order just that, before long.  Though I want to make sure I can get to the store and have the extras I'll want.  Lemon, perhaps what I need to make various sauces, to see what I like with it.  I do have a shucking knife, but I'd like to have a second on, of a different sort, on hand.

They are sold by the 5 dozen, or more, in groups or additions of 5's.  I am absolutely certain I could eat 5 dozen, probably 10 dozen.  The latter would be a lot of shucking though?  Don't know.  I've eaten them by the multiple tray before but I have never prepared them.  Not this month, I want to store up.  Maybe next month.  I'd offer them out, but I'm not sure how much that really is.  While the shell might be 3" to 4" inches, the meats are small.  And I don't know anyone who likes them.  Next month?  Maybe.  I can order them so that they will arrive.  Though I may hold off, maybe for several months.  It's a fairly pricey meal.  Might look around for other price offerings.  Though if you mess with prices too much, you can end up getting bargained to death.  Seafood is crazy wicked when it goes bad, especially if that is somehow hidden.

Later.

Yes, medicine.

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I'm still going to be taking it slow for a while.  Hitting that heart juice straight up is tough.  I'm feeling a bit more awake, not any more active though.  Gabbing, watching the episodes... it's something.  Passing time.  My day is slipping further into the night.  At 7:15 or so, I will be taking my medicine and watching the last of an episode as I turn my thoughts to bed.

Good night and day.

So very tired.

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It does seem colder.  Some of it, most of it really, is probably medication.  Skipping it, missing it, when just starting, can really cause energy problems.  Then again, it's tough to start this stuff.  It slows the heart down, keeps it from beating so fast.  Which... has a use.  But has a heavy cost.  Amazing stuff, terribly potent, even for one of my kind.  Actually, when even at my level, missing a few days can, often does, kill.  Yeah, THAT nasty.

Why it doesn't kill this or that one?  Or even some of us seemingly at all?  Anyway, I am sure hoping that getting back on it will get me back, and that I can keep on it.  Sometimes I can do well off it, in the last half a decade.  But on it, if I can balance, I can really do much better.  Never will I be full speed again.  I can be, perhaps, quarter to half speed though.

I want to crash, and may.  More of a nap than a sleep, probably.  Taking "night" medicines when I wake.  Then, if I can, doing dishes and some laundry.  So tired.  Hmm... a bit more viewing, then on to a nap most likely.  Good day... night, for your part.

Oh, ouch, right. Right?

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I fell of medication.  And... I don't know.  Was that the whole problem?  Cold arrived, or returned, I think.  Or was that simply a sensation from falling off medication?  Nothing has been right, or even wrong.  Everything just went away for a bit.  I have been sleeping, and then awake, watching those series, gabbing, blogging(?).  Numb, though.  I remember little.  No pain, just... nothing, mostly.

Empty spaces be-

tween drops known as time.

I can know nothing.

I am not back, not fully.  I am merely aware of where I am, or when?  Or... a bit of what I am?  Something.  As well, I have decided to pick a direction, or destination, and make my way as I am able.  It might sound silly.  If so, you have simply never been to the void, to forever, to never, to tomorrow and yesterday at the same time.  In time I do believe you will learn of that which I speak.  Perhaps not until you, in repose, near death.  Women know this place more often, before that time, but not all women.  For them it is fear, fragility, uncertainty, and/or their part in the reproductive.  That part for them is of a pain near to death and is a place alone.  Other women may understand, literally bear sympathy, but each woman has to know it alone, in her time.  The men who see these places have know death or war or better both.  Why I know it I can't say, only that I know it better than most, far more deeply.  It is almost home.  God says I have things to do yet, and I have agreed to be his beggar servant.  And, so, I only visit home from time to time.

Medicine was restarted tonight.  I hope to use the weekend to get sorted back into place.  I reset medicines for the next month, while at it.  I will reset the first medicine dispenser as soon as it runs dry, and set it up for a full dose of carvedilol.  Yes, just being on that leads me to home.  If I can stay on it, for long enough, and don't let them talk me into taking more, I can return to this place, land my feet on the ground, and get back to things in shorter order.  Those medicines are messy.  I'll do what I can though.

Dishes, I hope, tonight.  Maybe a bit of laundry.  A shower.  If I can do this, the rest of the weekend will be finishing laundry.  If so, and if medicine doesn't blot me out as the lack of it has, perhaps I can begin in the kitchen, bathroom, and main bedroom this coming week.  Ugh...  UgH...  UGH!?!  I'll... keep at it.  Good evening.

Not as planned.

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I went shopping, yesterday, instead of cleaning.  All good.  I was out of a number of things.  More, I simply wanted a few things.  Milk is no longer a daily, but when I haven't had it in a while I get a serious thirst for it.  Cream is good, as well, and sorely missed.  A bit in cream, mixed with milk in oatmeal or other hot grain cereal, or for oyster stew or even tomato soup.  Little things.  Though some things of necessity, toilet paper, paper towels, cat food, were also on the list.  Getting out and just the act of shopping, too.

While at it, I ordered a meal from Wendy's.  That is nearly the last fast food joint I will visit.  The only thing, at the moment, I don't like, is their pickles.  But I ask for those not to be added and that is that.  I have learned, finally, to allow the cheese.  I was an odd kid, hated that kind of cheese as a kid.  It didn't, and still doesn't, taste... right.  Still, from time to time, I allow for it.  I suppose it matches the meat these days, at burger joints?  Anyway, just... something free, easy, and hot.

I have restarted Penny Dreadful from the start.  It is making a difference.  I think, when I jumped in, I didn't have background and that was necessary.  It is still more directed at the female mind, and so a bit dull for me.  Still, it's... a bit better and I will continue.  I also started watching Dexter.  That is... more along my lines.  While I am not, to my mind, such a sort as Dexter on a basic level, on a "professional" level, or survival level... within some constraints... we do have some... commonality.  For some, in certain conditions, I have absolutely no care.  Which, as I have pointed out, can make me a friend you'd rather not have.  But an absolute friend in deed.  The price of that friendship might be living with what has been done to allow for you to keep breathing.  I used to think it, or that potential, whole evil.  Then... I learned.  God does, sometimes, call for the destruction of cities, even whole peoples.  Men, or some men, are not capable.  Angles are not always able, either, due to... my kind.  So?  So he calls on those of my kind who can and will, in His name.  Sin eaters... or slayers along my lines.  Not sure I believe sin eaters as anything more than a doubled corruption, a false path that only leads two, and more, to hell.  A sin slayer, yes.  Though, unlike Dexter, I... must suffer those things or find no path, chance, to heaven.  Still, I do have some understanding of this character.  And, actually, they are portraying him well, so far, as I see.  I have known a few.  Oddly, they have feared me, in spite of mostly being fearless beings.  They know me like I know them, and they do fear me.  A terrible thing, especially for one who must know guilt.  Guilt is a great gift, honor, for one of my kind.  Only God could grant that, if I did have to accept it.  A price for a great potential gift.

Oh, right.  Just... saying.  I'll try to hit some of the projects today.  Dishes, maybe the bedding... Ugh.  It's a rough day.  Good day.

Wonderful.

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Headache.  Wouch.  Did I push it a bit yesterday?  Did I sleep wrong?  It is, actually, an unusual sort of headache.  Something is pinched on the left lower side of my neck.  All at one point.  Which causes muscles to bunch from there out, mostly up and down but a bit side to side.  Exquisite, really.  The headache isn't too bad.  And it is purely mechanical.  I may take some painkillers and then go back in, lie down, sleep if I can, and that should fix it.  Usually does anyway.

Quite a bit of work yesterday, given all.  I have no such plans for as much today.  The dishes once more, rinsed, and up.  And any remaining dishes collected by not started.  The bedding washed, dried, and put up.  When I am awake fully for the day I will strip the bed and turn the mattress, standing it perhaps to let it air dry.  Hmm... could powder it with baking soda/powder (one of them) as well, then vacuum that off when I go to make the bed.  Perhaps a bit more laundry.  That will be that, mostly.

Tomorrow?  Cleaning the bathroom and kitchen, or starting in on it.  As well, perhaps, beginning in on the main bedroom again should I have more energy for work.  The rest of the week will be devoted to various such projects.  The rest of the month will be to those projects, along with sorting things to toss.  Next month I hope to rent a dumpster and begin getting rid of things, many things.  If I can afford it.  I have no idea what sort of cost is involved.  It may be prohibitive.  In any case, I want much ready to go, and be in a shape to rip through all that remains.  I only want it for the minimum amount of time.  Two or three loads should easily do it, perhaps less.

Oh, looks like I did finally get the trash and recycling right.  Then again, sometimes everyone else just looks out, and if some fool (me in this case) got it wrong, well?  I definitely take my turn in that.  Though they didn't pick up last week, so... maybe?  :P  If not, sorry, neighbors!  I do my best but generally, on some things, know not.  :)

I'll work on Gab a bit, while I let the painpills begin, then I'll crash for another hour.  I was awake rather late, sleeping only seven to eight hours actually.  Yes, my 'days' are getting longer is the deal.  Spring.  Love it or hate it...  At least my sleep is more regulated these last years, mostly.  When they are both out of sync is when it gets messy.  Good day.

Not bad.

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I made the list but I didn't think I'd get to it, not all of it.  I did those things and more.  I am rather bushed.  Need to chill before going to bed.  More Penny Dreadful... which somehow I started on the 3rd season.  Back to the beginning.  And, if that is too dull as with the rest of it, I'll take breaks and work on re-following those who follow me.  I'm nearing 3k, which is less than half.  My button pressing mojo is about burned out.  Still, as I can.

Tomorrow?  Dishes, another shower, laundry, new sheets on the bed and all the old bedding washed as well.  Ugh.  I'd like to do shopping, not sure I'll have what it takes.  Though bringing the trash and recycling bins in would be good.  No one else has theirs out, but maybe it was because it was snowing earlier and there was some concern they might be struck by a plow.  Snowing has stopped and the plow has been through, so... should be good.  Though maybe pickup day has changed?  I'll check when I wake tomorrow.

Good night.

Yeah, getting there.

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I was able to do all of the dishes once, put a load of laundry through the wash while folding two older loads.  I also un-followed ~22k accounts on Gab, and have put about ~2k of my followers back as followed.  I have about ~4.8k left to follow again.  Well, actually, there were ~415 people/accounts I was following that Gab wouldn't let me remove.  They just didn't show up in the queue.  Not sure what is up with that, though electronic artifacts and glitches are realities with computers.

I am tired, too tired I think to do too much more.  The only things I really want to make sure to do before sleeping is to reset the dishes to a second soapy soak and to put he wash in the dryer and and hand dry the washer.  Actually I would like to eat something.  I just don't think there is anything easy enough to munch.  I have a chunk of gouda cheese, but nothing to go with it.  Crackers, at least, though salami or a pear would be perfect.  Yeah, I need to do some shopping.

Oh, I will get the trash and recycling to the curb as well.  It's all out, or enough of it.  Bleh.  Good night.

More.

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Small work orders, as some might call them.  Laundry is nearly ready to start.  I just want to check for any other stashes, find a few more laundry baskets, then sort what should be washed first.  I won't do the bedding tonight.  I will find new sheets for tomorrow or soon, and be ready to change that out.  I want to do that on a day when I can do all of the bedding and blankets at once.  I need some clothes sooner than later, so that is priority.

I have most of the remaining dishes soaking.  I hope to wash all of it at least once yet tonight.  There isn't all that much, just more than any two batches up to this point, maybe three.  It's... a bit more work than I have been able to do in this most recent start.  I set up medicine for the next few days and started it.  I missed yesterday, I think.  The goal, too, with that, is to reset a month of medicine tonight or tomorrow.  The only thing I might end up adding is the last doubling of carvedilol.  Though maybe not.  I am not quite ready to double, and don't think I will be for a bit.  It's tough stuff to dose.  Doubling is a bear.  If nothing else, I want to attempt to get the house back in some sort of shape, and enjoy some time doing better before diving into double dosage.  On the good side, that will be as high as I go.  This next titration is it... if I can maintain medicine.

I finished Sparicus and am starting on a new series, Penny Dreadful.  So far it's... mostly mush.  I hope it improves, the notion has promise.  Though, sometimes, when you have too many leads it is too difficult to do any of them justice.  The pacing is very slow.  Perhaps it will improve.  Though, if it is aimed at women, it... won't.  Watching television is difficult at best.  But when the target group is women, it is truly dreadful.  Between that and work, I am also resetting my followers/following list on Gab.  I was following 22k and only had 6.4k followers.  So... I am dumping all that I am following and will reselect those who are following me.  I seem to be losing some, along the way, even though they aren't supposed to be able to tell I am unfollowing.  Oh well.  Just had to scratch that itch.

Well... back to a bit of viewing.  Later.

A slow start.

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The dishes I had set up were finished last night.  Most of the trash was collected and the cat litter emptied and reset, that all taken out to the bin.  A few other odds and ends as well.  This "morning" a shower, much needed.  As well, I started reviewing laundry.  I am hoping to do some laundry yet today, and change the bedding and do that as well.  Further, more dishes will be set up.  The snow is off the drive.  I never did get to it.  God did it this time, vicariously through nature of course.  All good.

I didn't sleep until well after 5:00, perhaps after 6:00.  I think I was awake by 13:00, or very shortly after.  Sleep was good though.  Wake time is just slipping, might just be more sunlight, or longer hours of what there is, and a warming world.  I'm simply sensitive to... pretty much everything.  Probably just a medical thing.  I have learned, and have become better at, using time when it is available, as I can, rather that trying to push for days then work.  I'll do my best.

Ah... as weather improves, as soon as I think snow is gone for good, I will begin researching a large dumpster in order to clean out the cave.  As well, next time I am in town I will begin searching for a heavy duty paper shredder.  Those two things may quickly see my house to some much greater order.  If it gets cleaned down to the bone, having domestic help once in a while might be reasonably affordable.  I just have to get to that point.  Life is so much better when things are clean and neat.

Good day.

Definitely a late rise.

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My cycle is slowly shifting again.  It was a bit after 11:00, I think, when I finally woke.  I didn't go to bed until well after 3:00, so it makes sense.  Why the drift?  Dunno.  Just happens.  Not sure it is just illness.  I think anyone, left to their own devices, without demand put on them, would drift in their schedule.  Now, illness makes it so that putting demand on me isn't possible, but there are other things that might do such.

I sometimes question the modern life.  Time requirements are a very strange thing.  They haven't been a part of man's life, to some degree, for most of our history.  There were seasons of work... seeding and harvesting, moving livestock from grazing area to grazing area... and better times for hunting or gathering specific foods.  Though daylight was pretty much the limits.  Even with fire, taking a torch out was to leave people and go into an unknown for little purpose... only ever a risk taken for a reward known, and rarely.

Men didn't even have time pieces until in the hundreds of years ago. And I think those became a curse, binding men to a new sort of slavery.  And with lights to make the night useful, navigable, natural sleep was intruded upon as well.  Dawn to dusk, at the most, should be a mans effort and life.  Sleep outside of those boundaries, unencumbered sleep not subject to all sorts of noises.  Even here, a bit in the boonies, never an hour passes without a vehicle hurtling by at speeds unheard of until last century.  Yeah, even 40 mph is fast, and much noise is created to attain such speed... in historical comparisons.

Progress?  Really?  It might be the reality so that more can be born and live.  Certainly to make that as sustainable as it has been for centuries now.  I think they got to such levels many times.  But without continuous advances in many technologies, forms of government that could be tolerated by the people, and religions that were just or attempted that, all civilizations fell.  Before machines, slavery was required, a system that could never be just and was always one major war for slave acquisition away from collapse.  We are blessed, if all blessings come with the potential for curses.  Poisoning our world, machines still not being able to do enough, and yet people failing for the extra... and Elites who think they no longer need us at all.  Enemies of new sorts all around.

No, not a post offering hopelessness.  Just a comparison of the problems from the past with those we have today.  Never has life been easy.  Never has it been without great toils and tribulations, dangers hidden around every corner.  Elites have always hungered for the lash, power, dominion, and cruelty.  The masses always able to stampede if not outright revolt.  The costs and duties of life, top to bottom and between has always been dear.

Anyway...  I have things to do.  Dishes, laundry, a shower.  Maybe some cleaning.  Who knows what will happen.  I feel rested, mostly, and nearly ready to dig in.  I have been doing small bits and pieces.  I am hoping to do more, and maybe a lot more, sooner or later.  Good day.

Tomorrow.

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Brothers

King makers

Kinslayers

Timekillers

Yesterday, Today, Title

More, perhaps.  No less.

Coyote

You will always know

me, as you always have.  A

fall before last spring.

Raven

First of the four, lost

or finder.  None here may know.

Spring of last winter.

Fox

With me, winter white,

and hell.  The ridden and the 

follower.  Brother.

Anubis

In land of plenty, 

hunger to the bone.  Black horse,

the final winter.

Business.

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I set up a payment so as to be caught up with my home payment.  Then went through three different departments to attempt to have my insurance company brought up to date on the status of my home loan.  They aren't doing that until the 17th, even though they could fax it.  I contacted my insurance company and let them know that I have again made the request they have asked me to make, and given them the timeline I was given.  I can't do more.  That is that for that.  I will shortly be filling out an automatic payment form, of which I have five copies now.  I will probably have to make at least one more manual payment, next month, but without fees if online.  Then it should be back to autopay.  Should, no certainty with this company.  I'll know about insurance later this month.

Now I am trying to mess with the phone.  They say there isn't an outage in the area.  They tried a reset, but to point that has failed.  I think I will just call them back and cancel this phone.  I don't trust them, at all, for several reasons, at this point.  I need to find a real phone company that isn't as much of a problem as a solution, and isn't working against Americans and our rights with the government and big biz.  Yeah... out.  If I can get someone on the phone.  They will probably be trying to hide from direct contact for this very reason.  Might have to stop in at their shop on Monday.  It's hidden, but... there.

Next?  A few dishes, a shower, and... who knows.  It is very good to have enough money to do some grocery shopping.  I hope to do that soon.  And I'll need to make an appointment with my doctor, but next month.  I simply want to hold off on expenses until I have more money stored up.  I hate being at zero.  I still have a few other business processes, but it's too late in the week and day.  I'll... get there.

Good day.

Ah-ha!  I got the phone removed.  Since it was under 30 days there will be minimal costs.  The phone never did work, the reset never went through, and I don't... trust the company.  Well, and I never did get a clear answer as to whether the phone was unlisted or not.  Still, the operator was good to work with, clear, and knowledgeable.  One more thing off my list.

Up late again.

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I just didn't hit it until about 1:30.  Sam wasn't going to let me sleep in, for whatever reason.  She has been working to wake me since... 6:00ish?  I woke a bit before 8:00.  Not sure what will happen if I see my shadow, if it looks like six weeks of sleep isn't in the cards.

Sneezing the last few days.  Turning the heat up helps but isn't quite the full answer.  Just that time of year.  I don't really have allergies.  Perhaps it's just the volume of pollen or when the world is particularly dry?  No worries.  Sometimes the girls and I both have the problem at nearly the same time.  Sometimes not.  That might be due to height differences.  Yeah, there might be more or less pollen or dryness at our various levels.  It's the story I am going with.

No good or bad dreams the last few nights, none remembered.  All good.  Sometimes I get a hint that bad dreams are on the way.  I was all but certain.  I was dreading, fearing.  It's actually why I wasn't able to get to bed on time the last few nights.  So far so good.  Sometimes those serve a purpose, grinding gears to shift more fully back to life at a better pace.  Sometimes all it does is hurts.  Either way I have become terribly gunshy.

Hmm?  Oh, either back to bed for a bit or not.  I'll make up my mind shortly.  Good morning and day.

Internet taxation.

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It is now a reality in Utah.  And?  And it means I am going to stop buying things.  I had been using amazon.  But without the incentive, I will just save that money and put it elsewhere.  Probably a good thing anyway.  It was a convenient way to buy a few luxuries, wants, or even needs in larger quantities.  The added benefit was no (direct) tax.  All the business taxes paid were coming out of my pocket already.  When a company, like amazon, pays 39%, and the companies they do business with... the manufacturers... pay 39%, and... who knows who else... then I end up paying a lot in taxes.  Those company use my money to pay those taxes.  Get it yet?

Rather than buying other things, I'll find some more beneficial to me ways of burying cash.  It isn't much... a few hundred dollars a month... just spending money.  They can't blame me.  It was their choice.  Every greedy grab for money will be dealt with as I would with any thief.  I am tired of having them everywhere and always with a gun on their hip and a hand in my pocket.  Hell, I'm a ward of the state and they are still at it.  There are very simple consequences to some things.  I hope others join in just abandoning the markets and finding ways to store wealth more surely.  The state and fed obviously have no clue what they are doing with the filthy lucre they are stealing.  Drunken sailors have better plans, at least in serving their wants and needs on a personal level.

I hope, too, that amazon feels the sting as people simple back away from the method.  Let the state and big business war over dwindling returns and a disinterest by the population in being shorn as if sheep, when not out-right sacrificed.  I've done my part.  I've been betrayed at every step by those who were supposed to help.  I'm only alive because their failures ended up being a double or quad negative upon negative, and I had the will to move through suffering.  I won't let them take more, now.  A pox upon both their houses.  May they fall to plundering each other.  Done.

Awake again.

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It seems that six weeks of sleep is not in the cards.  I have been up for a while now, actually, hours... two, three perhaps.  That early wake has gotten me a bit off track though, as did the late night.  Fine, I'll work with it.

The goal today is to finish off the dishes set to soaks at various stages, get a shower, and figure out what I want to do with laundry and begin there.  Oh, I probably need to cancel my phone.  It hasn't worked since I ordered it.  I am holding off business with the mortgage until I am sure my ssa check is in this month.  I think I have paperwork with that to be fixed and remitted.  I can, I believe, handle the costs of mortgage no matter what, but what else I might have to negotiate beyond that is... another thing.  So, I wait to see so as to plan.

Still a bit stiff.  I think it's actually from the dream the other night.  Where I am sore is not from stooping to do dishes.  What a strange dream.  Oh, I should probably finish shoveling snow.  It has been melting a bit, day by day.  Even so, I should remove the last of it.

I'd better get meat thawed and create a minor list and a major list, so I'll be ready for grocery shopping whichever way my income is set this month.  What a bother lately.  Good day.

Woke early.

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Too early.  To bed at midnight, a bit of a glitch.  Woke at five.

Saw shadow.

Six more weeks of sleep!  Later.

Bits of work.

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Three or four sets of dishes, not all to completion though some.  Washing, rewashing as necessary, rinsing, and drying if I got to that point.  Several meals tended, and keeping those dishes and pans in the work effort.  Not a great day, some things done.  More tomorrow.  Just dishes.  No laundry or shoveling.  I seem to have repaired from the damage caused in the dream.  Just a bit sore, though from stooping doing dishes or the dream I can't say.

More dishes tomorrow.  Then a shower, or in there somewhere.  Hopefully figuring out laundry as well.  All good.  Dark dreams, I think.  Yeah.  Sometimes I can tell, or... suspect more strongly.  As a man who stands to be whipped, knowing the meaning of that, I sweat in trepidation.  I hope the darkness passes.  I pray no suffering, not of this kind.  If I must, so be it.

Good night.

Even daydreams are taking on a solid tone.

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Yeah.  Well, it just happens.  Enjoy or not.  Just... understand before you look.

Some work.

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The dishes remaining from the small lot worked yesterday were washed again and set to rinse.  A bit of a break, then I'll finish those, take a shower, then set up another load.  I hope to begin laundry again.  Mostly figuring out whether to start over with it all, or not.  Once that decision has been made, then I'll go from there.  As well, I'd like to make a shopping list.  Nothing fancy, not much, I'll be going easy on spending for the next few months.  I'd like to get a small savings going again.  Three or four months of holding my financial breath should see me back to good shape.

Oh, I'll probably finish shoveling the drive today.  No travel, just... want to finish that.  I am feeling and doing a bit better.  Medicine still holds things back, a bit... make the drive forward slow and cumbersome.  And yet life is improving enough that I seem to be starting, if at the start, again.  It seems to have returned to hard winter cold.  It doesn't help, in some sense.  And yet it is easier, for me, to work in the cool than the heat.  If even in the heat, sometimes, I can now do well... or better.

All good.  I'll try to put in bits of work between bits of resting, and see just what I can get done through the remainder of the week.  Hitting the kitchen and bathroom as I go.  I keep up on the toilet, now that I have learned a few tricks.  Just a solid cleaning a week, and a few swipes through the week, keep the lou respectable.  Well... on with the day.  Later.

Such strange dreams of late.

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Last night I dreamed of my uncles and grandfather.  What was it the men in my life taught, how did they direct?

While adopted, that was done while I was quite young.  I knew no other family.  The same for my older brother.  Both of us were obtained when we were a month old, perhaps just slightly older for him.  Not only were we accepted by our direct family, of course, but by our extended family.  We didn't know we were adopted by the time we "knew" most of our family.  Our mother didn't hide the fact, made sure we knew when we were able.  But children don't understand such things until later.

We actually had two grandfathers, both were met.  One we only met once, or a few times, for for a short time and when I was quite young.  I only remember some things about him.  The other might have ended the same, save that as his health declined it was decided that he would live with us.  And he did so for a year or two, or so it seemed to me then and now.

He could be grumpy, but mostly he liked us boys.  At that time, my mother had married a man with five children of his own.  Grampa's room was our safe place if all else became rough, even if our mother became too much.  She... was still his child.  :)  Oh, she hated that then.  And yet she has turned into the same kind of grandparent type that he was.  An old Yiddish saying suggests, to women, if they live long enough they will become their mother.  A Doom saying is, live long enough, on top of that, become both your parents.

The thing, in my dream, generally, was what to do in life.  And the tone by which life should be lived.  My grandfather, through the dream, suggested a cautious weary advance.  Marry, but think about it.  Get an education, and a career, or figure out how to make money as certainly and safely and legally as possible.  Tend to your wife and family, just know you can only take out what you have put it, which at best isn't much.  By having them... that is where you should gain any real treasure.  Don't expect, sometimes, even a thanks.

My uncles, many of them, had a notion of getting ahead, far ahead.  Grab what you can and run like hell.  Don't worry about tomorrow, it's all about today.  Don't worry about family, they will make it or not, you just move on if it gets complicated.  Live and die for the day.  Don't advance, too risky.  Don't work too hard, unless it suits you.  Money, money, money, with it you don't need love.  Yeah.

I never did abide my uncles, if the world I live in didn't really offer much else.  Their generation seems to have gone insane.  If I have one uncle that married only once?  Maybe, if so, also one aunt.  Neither of them were known to me, pretty much, at any time in my life.  None, that I knew, had a full career.  None were wealthy, that I knew.  One aunt and uncle lived a life pretty hidden from my knowledge, at least until I was well into middle age.  One has now passed.

It isn't judgement, only an understanding.  Blame?  Perhaps my uncles' generation were trying, one last time, to get ahead.  In a time, though, where the powers that be were doing what they could to undo them?  As they are today, even more so.  The secret is that life is hard.  The good old days were just as harsh, it's just people didn't jabber about things as often.  People only knew their own, and perhaps a few other, hardship stories.  Now, everyone seems to know everything about everyone.

Is it better?  Has telling everything helped?  I am not sure that is the problem, it is just a difference between now and then.  There is some good to it, and some harm.  The real difference is that, now, people more generally know that life is full of knocks.  Although I think, as some freak flags are flown that shouldn't, there is some degradation from it.  Yeah, I am guilty.  And I... have shifted tack a bit.  Mostly.

I was always on my grandfather's side.  I just didn't have voice then or all that much power now.  It's not that I hate my uncles, either.  I just think they went far astray, and were lead that way.  I am hoping for a return to the old ways.  Humble?  Yeah.  A blessing that is lost on many.  Pride for false worldly gains.  A hunger for things that will pass rather than for simple rightness and strong hands from honest work.

Just... things from the dreams.  I haven't been able to sort it all out.  I am still a bit raw from sleep.  But... there you go.  I think it was a good dream.  It helped me sort some things that have been troubling me for... decades.  Probably won't mean much, in some ways, in my life, at this point.  But it might... give pause to young folk, should they happen upon this.  No matter, it's out of my head so that it can begin a new project?  Maybe.

Later.

Hmm? Oh, I don't know.

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I think I am beginning to catch my wind.  A little warfare can do that.  How terrible that combat.  And yet, for as much as it took from me it seems to have refreshed.  Some of us were made to thrive on blood and guts.  I am amazed I did not weary.  What really happens in those times I cannot say.  My ribs are still sore, as if punched.  My back from tossing whoever it was I was fighting... you get a kink if you throw someone while just a bit off.  My left shoulder and neck have a kink from bulldozing.  The sore muscles are feeling better, as are the lungs.  But it... was what it was.  Dreams?  Really?  All night?  I just don't know.

Funny thing is, it cause the cats to... fuss.  It usually does when I dream as such.  They know, as I do, that something is happening.  As with myself, they don't know what.  But man do they fuss and yeowl and run around, jumping and leaping.  Sometimes they try to wake me, as well.  It's not just me.

As I said, that brought life back.  I'm having to break out of things.  Though medicine is a part of the problem now too.  Dunno, I'll keep at it.  I am hoping to do some dishes tonight.  I set them up earlier.  Never did take a nap, or even take any pain pills.  Just... decided to take things as they were.

Later, or good night.

I fought all night long.

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Some sort of evil, sometimes it attacked, sometimes I did.  My back is out, my arms are sore, my lungs burn.  There is no part of me that doesn't suffer some pain.  I am doing better after the last few hours of sleep were fight free and I was allowed to relax and just sleep.  I even got a solid to my left jaw.  Yeah.  They say you can't move in dreams... I... don't think they understand.  Can you stay tensed?  Are there things other than dreams.  Ribs?  How would those be hurt from tension?
I think I'll go back to sleep, after some pain pills.  Just an hour or two.  Struggled almost all night.  Be back in a bit.

The weather and news.

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Snow.  Not terribly cold, perhaps around 20 F if I read it right.  This time there was, say, two to three inches, or left to shovel.  Powder, so not too bad.  But having done so little for so long...  I got the first half of the drive, plus the walk to the front door, cleared.  I have the aft half with a clear center and portioned off.  But that was that.  If it is recycling today, nobody else is doing it.  Though I was probably too late anyway.  I only have one sack in the bit, and one in the house to clear.  So I won't be bothering with it.  Less so after shoveling.

Three more days on the little medicine supply device and I can move on to the big two week device.  I went this way so that I could change medicines more easily.  I was changing medicine more than every two weeks, and if I fell it would get confusing as well.  I think I am ready for the two week device.  I might change in that two weeks, or not.  Probably not.  I'm trying a bit heavier middling dose of carvedilol.  If I can do it, though things are positive on the shorter medicine dispenser, I may just give myself more time to get used to the half-dose.  It's been almost two weeks on that dose, but it is a struggle.  Another two weeks to month, then I'll increase the dose.  Perhaps to full level.  Even then it is a trick to stay on it.  Just be glad you don't have to take stuff that is so difficult to use and have some function remain to you.

I went to look over the news.  Hollywood awards?  Really?  So few even know movies were in the running, or care.  Why is "conservative" news covering useless topics?  Can't they find any real news?  I am curious about what is happening in Europe.  Are the people truly rising up, as here?  Or are they doing what most of us suspect, rolling and selling out?  The Tea Party pretty did that, but we moved on.  Until their people, if they really want it, figure out how to make it so that selling out isn't really possible, they will be herded to their genocide, if they haven't reached a secure demographic tipping point already.  Then again, we aren't out of the woods.  It seems the president can't even call a halt to immigration of most sorts.

News, not bits about a bunch of overrich life fakers who know nothing prattling on about a lost art!  What is going on in Syria?  What is Le Pen saying?  Where are the US and Russia in agreement and at loggerheads?  News, information.  And don't bring me opinion.  Can't you find reporters who simply ask and write?  Yea, but three has to be sources that are smple data?  Quit bringing in the worst of the lot on top of topics that are of no interest or import.  Do it.  No time for this.  I will simply begin cutting off "news" sources which won't follow that code.  Drudge.  Get back in the game, dump those enemy of the state sources, and get on it.  Later.

Up and at it.

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Not at speed or with gusto, that isn't always required.  Why so rough lately?  Some of it was stress, some of it, now, is returning to medicine.  I have been doing well with medicine, but it does knock me down a peg when starting.  I started with the easy stuff, first, now am on everything and have been for four to five days.  After this trial run I will push for two more weeks on everything but heart medicine (carvadilol) on full dose.  I'm at half dose on that last medicine.  It is a brutal thing to start up.  It's like doubling the choke pull on your pull-starting engines.  It just... bogs down or floods the thing too often.  Engines, hearts or otherwise, really weren't made to be bogged down like that, even if it seems to help.  Until I get used to it, it's... tricky to be functional.  Still, being on the way, after all the fuss and trouble, here and there, is a good thing.

I can tell potassium is in better order.  Other than the greater resistance to function, if that is normal, wanted, and needed at the moment, my health is otherwise shaping back up and well.  I don't quite have the ability to feed easily and well, or I would begin working toward fasting again.  I will hold off fasting until medicines are back on track.  I think that is why I was able to fast initially... everything was in much better order and medicines were regular.  When I fell, for potassium, I lost all forms of order and regularity.  Well, and I had been working hard on top of it.  Just getting back to the start, if not quite there yet.  All good.

I am still keeping a list of things to do.  I'd love to work, and will sooner or later.  With money coming back in I should be able to get back on some other tracks as well.  Still, this month will still be shy, as I catch up on some things that went wrong.  All good, all good.  And, when I have things settled, I will call my brother again.  I need to keep up on that relationship.  Not for money reasons.  I won't ask again.  Not... a judgement.  Just... too complicated and messy.  Still, I don't want to lose a brother for money.  I understand his... situation.  No judgement, just... that is the married life and some other things.  Oh, but he had wanted to buy some steaks, and I don't want to cheat him of that.  :p  Hells yeah.  :)

Well... on to... the day.  Ugh.  Trash and recycling to go out, change the cat litter with that, and a shower.  Anything else I might be able to do is just candy... if I can do those things that is.  Blah!  Good morning and day, at least from these parts.