Keto curiosity.

.
.
I think my mother may be becoming curious about my food choices.  A recipe book would help her a lot at the start.  But once she sees what and how, she would be vastly superior at keto than I.  Her cooking and baking skills are superior, her instincts are top-notch, she just knows how to swing flavors, protein, fats, and carbs.  Her only problem, and we have all been there, is her wrongly embedded fear of fats.  She should know better, having been a farm girl where they ate everything we are now told we weren't supposed to eat, and how old all of her siblings have lived.

Not a gripe.  They did a hell of a job browbeating especially women into using sugar, crisco, margarine, and even carbs and starches.  They inverted the real food chart, for the economy, not biological needs, and for the wealthy against everyone else.  Actually it even favored the medical field incorrectly.  At least doctors aren't pushing brands of cigarettes, if opioids they are pushing are worse.  Hmm?  Never mind.

A tough start.

.
.
Down at 20:00, but after four hours of driving and an hour or more in offices plus having my eyes dilated.  It was in and out or busy at least, mostly, but I was seen at two shops... still, quickly... painlessly.  If it was more regular it would probably be easier?  No.  Currently the trip wipes me.  The only improvement so far is that I can make a goodly number of appointments in a short order.  I am not sure another would be possible shortly, or several, but maybe.  I can only know through failure.

The cool, dark, and wet aren't helping.  While at first blush it looks to have a clear sky today, it is well below freezing, 20° F or so.  So how much it warms is another question.  When airflows, the barometer, and such push things, even the sun has limited input.  Still, I realize, here as anywhere, learn the graces of what you are given weatherwise.  Barring that, relax until you can.  Sleep it off if you must.  Bear it?  *grins... growls*

It wasn't until probably the last possible snooze that I woke.  I cleaned the 3:00 snooze cycle with nary a dozen neutrons seeming to fire.  Just the few necessary to direct a hand to the bar.  If I could have fired a few more up I would have turned the 3:00 alarm off.  I knew I wasn't going to wake.  Actually I think I thought about doing so every time.  Not enough firings to do more than consider the proposition.  Awake at 5:40.

Fasting blood sugar was 246.  Oh well.  It will go down, on it's schedule.  Eggs and bacon?  Nah, chia today.  I need to pull out bone broth to thaw.  I am not sure about a full fast, too cool and I am too tired for that.  However, going to fatted fluids might work.  I get solid calories, if almost all fat.  But that pushes me to fat burning (which I may have (did) bungle yesterday... hey, eating on the road is difficult).  It's a variation on fasting that I have yet to try.  But it is a thing.  A handful of macadamia and hazel nuts, and a few others, would also be allowed.

Later.

A few goods.

.
.
My blood sugar was 148.  Improving.  A read, a fatted tea, and my last shot in an hour.  It is too late to stay up for two hours after my last meal.  Not if I want to be awake by 3:00, and I do.  Travel shakes things up.  I'll get back to doing readings rightly tomorrow, and meals.

I spoke about hiking.  It might happen.  I ordered various more keto foods.  Not perfect, but it should do.  Insulin can cover some when keto fails, and the reverse.  Either way I will go.  As well, I am hoping to swim once next week.  I have had nine appointments and various other demands in the last few weeks.  And I am just coming back to life after winter and such a dark spring.

I do need to get boots polished, gear sorted, and... that should be good.  I am looking forward to getting out.  And swimming will be much easier at 28 instead of 18 mpg... if I believe I can improve the mileage with a little practice.  I am getting excited.  If I can hike more often and distant, I would like to go on overnighters, and more.  Then to winter expeditions.  It'll be on slim coin, if there is a solid good to that.

Later.

Optometry.

.
.
It was a tough morning.  Cold and dark.  Couldn't have driven the Cruze, it was frozen over and I was running late.  I couldn't back it into the drive.  I was able to limp out to the frontage, the wipers and spray opened up the windshield just enough.  I didn't feel quite ready anyway, for stick, especially with freezing rain mixed with snow and regular rain, plus an overpass to negotiate.

Good thing I didn't wait.  There was a massive backup.  A bad accident, two vehicles that I saw, one lane closed, and rubbernecking.  Such an irritating trait.  No, I don't gawk.  None of my affair.  Traffic was 0 to 3 mph for ten miles?  Plus or minus a few.  I just made it a few minutes early.

The eyes are doing better.  Odd.  The heart hasn't improved (since then) but diabetes has gotten worse.  If improving greatly this last week.  It looks like my vision improved a bit as well.  Strange, in one sense, but actually usual for me.  The worsening shown in the last exam was the outlier proving the point.  When diabetes, the heart, and blood pressure are all back tacked down, I will begin consciously working on my vision.  Yeah, I'll get it fixed.  As I have suggested, I don't need you belief.

On the way back, I looked for the trailhead up a particular mountain I have been meaning to scale.  I ended up following a woman.  She turned off, to a closed gate.  I, with some caution, drove just close enough we could sort of talk.  Made sure not to appear to block her in.  People hereabouts may well go loaded.  She wasn't disturbed in the least.  Directions with a country smile.

I finally found the place.  I am going to see about inviting a youngling to go with.  Maybe next week.  I want to get a small batch of gear, mostly for a meal or two out, hiking poles, rain gear just in case, water as there aren't any springs or brooks, and write-in-rain paper and pen to track any trail splits.  Might not reach the top, but who knows.  It IS the plan.  Solo if I must.

Yeah, well... blood sugar and another meal in an hour.  Oh, fasting blood sugar for some stupid reason was 240.  It beats 450 but it isn't sub-100 either.  Will. Get. There.  One more thing?  I believe that is the fifth medical appointment I have hit consecutively, and the eighth or ninth general appointment consecutively hit.  Very nice, if I had to hurt... even pull all nighters to achieve.  Don't say I haven't gone the extra mile.  Later.

Bedtime.

.
.
No work.  Simply couldn't.  I did grill a roast for supper.  It took me a little later than hoped.  Should be to bed shortly.  We had just a bit of rain then snow, and just a very short bit of sunshine sneak through an otherwise still cloudy sky.  And it dropped to a bit below freezing, at least for a bit.  It was a pretty day, a marvel.

Blood sugar went to up 180 then down to 168 before this last meal.  It is too close to bedtime for a last read... I recently finished the last meal.  Pleased with the readings.  All save fasting were sub-200, and that was a very low 222.  Breaking below 200 fasting, then eating to maintain that is the next trick.  Then to have the high be sub-100 and the low be above 80 for a year.  A 230 point drop in a week?  Keto and insulin, used with the intent to clear diabetes, is rather potent.

Bedtime.  Good night.

Really cool.

.
.
By 10:00 it was only to 42° F outside.  I pulled seed pods from rhubarb and looked around the garden.  Asparagus should be super next year.  Rhubarb was exploding, now it's... more exploded?  Both bushes are huge, and tasty.  I had part of a stock... stack? no... stalk?  Gah.  Sun chokes, aka jerusalem artichokes, didn't seem to be doing anything.  A stalk? pulled showed things are growing under there, they just aren't ready to grow out.

Breakfast for all.  Eggs, fatted tea, and bacon today, chia et. al. tomorrow.  My blood sugar was down to 153.  The meal is extended, I ate slowly and only now started my fatted tea.  I'll check again around 14:00.  No work yet.  I finally gave up and turned the furnace up to 72.  It's just too chilly.  I am hoping for just two things.  Changing sheets plus washing that, as well as cleaning the bathroom to a shine.  Perhaps taking a shower and shaving.  If I can break through eye-crossing exhaustion.  If not, tomorrow.

The sun went behind clouds, the temperature wasn't going up anyway, certainly not fast.  Now it may stay or drop.  With the furnace up, it is the dark that is getting to me.  Ugh.  So tired.  A nap?  Maybe.  Blood sugar is improving nicely.  If I could wake up!  Before it gets too hot to enjoy out there.  I keep looking over articles and videos about camping tips, hiking advice, techniques for lighting fires, cooking, layering, and all.  Perhaps, if nothing else, a backyard setup?  Maybe.

Later.

Just on the edges.

.
.
I didn't get to bed until 20:00.  Why?  Because.  It's the only answer I can offer.  I wrestled with the 3:00 alarm to failure so was waiting on the 5:00 alarm.  I woke, and decided to wake whatever else.  A good thing.  The 5:00 alarm had been bumped off (?).  It was 4:57, so...  Odd, but it worked out.

I hoped fasting blood sugar would be below 200.  Nope, 222.  It is dropping, a bit daily, fasting and not.  Currently I am having to use the V.A. blood meter and test strips.  My usual materials have failed.  I am not sure if the test strips are too old or if the reader has failed.  Not this month, but next, I will try another batch of strips.  I have a horrible time with V.A. testing devices/strips.  I had great luck with these others until now.

I hope that is a fluke.  I want a good source in case the V.A. stuff continually fails as it usually does.  Not sure why it has failed so consistently... don't care.  If I have a source that works that is enough... so this concerns me.  It's bad enough that pharma robs us of our health by trying to force medication that keeps us sick, but then to rip us off with simple testing supplies too!  And they wonder why they are hated.

Today?  Back to the list.  I am holding off renting the dumpster, but trash, dishes, bedding change, and more laundry is scheduled today.  Along with standard chores.  The sun, if I am seeing rightly, looks to be out.  I think it was out yesterday to.  When I go out to feed the ducks, on sunny days, I look around my garden.  It's a small pleasure.  Lots of asparagus up.  Rhubarb and horseradish are doing well.  Grass has filled quite well where planted, if there are a few sparse patches.  When watering starts, I will seed those few small areas... rain doesn't get to those spots as well.

It's a start.  After the alarm and critters are fed etc, I'll do bacon and eggs.  Then..?  Bathroom first, so a shower and shave in a cleaner area sooner or much sooner, then changing sheets.  A start on laundry right then.  A break then whatever comes next.  I think the week is really starting.  A quick check, the thermometer, the warm one, reads at below freezing?  Weird.

Good morning and day.

Most... some... of it.

.
.
No shave, haven't cleaned the bathroom, and didn't set up a dumpster.  The latter because I need to see where my finances settle.  Driving was looking pretty good, even on a very steep dirt road.  Still, more practice would be good.  I actually might know where a paved non-highway road is.  The only bad part is that a four cylinder, from a dead start on a steep hill, really has no go.  There just isn't any mojo, none.  All good.  People will simply have to be patient or wreck.

Blood sugar dropped to 172.  But I had a bit of a treat, beans and grilled hotdogs.  Blood sugar went up to 229.  Still, not bad.  I'd like to drive on the paved steep road.  See if there is a way to get up to speed better.  As well as general practice climbing.  Going downhill isn't a problem.  Braking on short hills, downshifting for extended runs.  I am a bit of a control freak with regards to driving, I don't like being out of gear, as little as possible.

No appointment tomorrow, so if need be I can skip shaving until later.  Today was a good day but I am tiring.  It has been almost twelve hours up.  I should be nearing  bedtime.  Four hours more?  Max, really.  Then waking at 3:00 to 5:00 is usually easy enough.

Yeah, a bit of hill driving, then city driving, feeding, maybe watering, critters... plus litter.  It will be the third time for litter, but it helps keep the place better smelling.  Oh, I took a closer review of the automatic cat litter box.  Way to many problems.  However I may have found a better solution.  A very large bin with a lid and three lasagna pans... cut out higher entryways, keep the lid on, and easy.  Perhaps a spare pan or two, so cleaning is easier.  The plastic pans don't come clean.  It will be a lot cheaper, and won't send plastic litter into my septic tank.  Plus, litter won't end up everywhere.

I best get going.  Later, or just as likely good night.
-------

Blood sugar readings are doing better.  The second to the last was 188, the last was 190.  Three of them have been sub-200.  It's only been less than a full week?  Yeah, I will square this circle quickly.  No sluffing on eating, insulin until I don't need it, or keto.  As little as three months if I can implement intermittent and extended fasting, at worst a year if food temptations are too strong or I go through too many illnesses which don't allow proper feeding.  I will not become diabetic again if I do beat this... I am pretty sure I will win.  Keto, more or less, is a rest of the life thing for me.  One I don't mind.

Nothing else done today.  I will check the duck stuff, give the girls more food and clean their litter, turn laundry over, then brush, take medicine, and go on to bed.  It was 37° F out there this morning.  Yeah, that really doesn't help.  Even showered and well dressed, it just... it's too chilly.  I'll write the temperature when I get back in.  -  It was between 48° and 52°.  Yeah, still a bit cool.

Good night.

You can't be all things!?!

.
.
I hear this through the ether.  Sheep, goat, wolf, lion, of the two legged varieties, all claim one can only be the one thing one is.  If perhaps as one may be called to, or fall from, graces, one way or another, one might go through a middle area.  How quickly they forget the call to have a voice for all ears.

At it early.

.
.
I couldn't remember when I went to bed.  However I knew I took a final blood sugar reading within about ten minutes of bedtime.  I believe...  A quick check showed about a 17:30 bedtime.  I woke a few minutes after 2:40.  A bit long of a sleep, but not all as it would seem.  I woke a bit after 1:00, and could have gotten up.  I didn't want that much day to begin that early.  I would have slept even more at 2:40.  But it was close enough to 3:00, and trying to sleep such a little bit could have lead to oversleeping.  I also didn't want to turn off the 3:00 alarm so as to wake at 5:00.  Blah.  So, only one real choice.

I need to get the trash out.  Then a shower and shave.  I didn't get much done yesterday.  Still, meds and reset, critters and myself fed etc, a few other odds and ends.  It's just so dark.  The house finally dropped to 66.  The furnace is running to maintain.  It took almost two days to cool off.  Unless a freeze happens I am planning to keep it cooler, at 66.  Showers and the right cloths to stay warm.

I think I am doing better, certainly feeling much better.  Hoping to do things today.  Bedtime blood sugar was 202 last night, fasting is 233 first thing.  The body has no pain, no headache, I am not even feeling tired.  Exhausted down in?  Maybe.  But that usually allows me to dig deep before I hit resistance.  Usually is the key.

A shave, then feed, water, and clear litter for the girls.  Maybe start a load of laundry then a break until the load is finished.  Then a shower.  To the post early, then driving practice.  Cleaning the bathroom after.  A later second driving lesson, then maybe a trip to the sanitation office to arrange for a dumpster at the middle of the month.  The goal is to fill that before the end of the month, then if needed, one time next month.  That should be enough.  I'm not sure how truly full I can get the thing, and some large part will be bulk rather than mass.

If I can do these, and get sheets and other laundry done today, I'll hope to start on dishes, more driving, and the kitchen tomorrow.  I am attempting to get back to work... four to five days a week, three to five hours a day.  Not including food, grooming, or critter care, if the grill simplifies cooking for myself.  Yeah, finally, maybe, back to it.  Later.

Never did make it back to bed.

.
.
I simply lost my appetite for sleep.  Which is fine.  I received plenty of sleep yesterday and may nap in a bit.  Still dark and cool, outside.  The house hasn't dropped below 70°, if my bedroom should be cooler.  It feels much cooler than 70°, odd how that can work out.

I think one of my last blood sugar reads was bogus.  It went from 214 to 321 to 233.  I had just eaten, but eggs and bacon and just.  Blood sugar a) shouldn't have spiked quite yet b) shouldn't have spiked nearly that much.  Annoying, but I'm calling that a bad read.  I am regularly hitting the low 200s.  I should begin cracking below 200 very soon, very regularly.  Yes, bacon and eggs is extremely keto friendly, especially in reasonable moderation.

I need to feed the ducks and girls, water as needed, then clear litter.  Perhaps a nap after.  Trash out tonight.  Cleaning the bathroom.  And a shower and shave, possibly some laundry.  Yeah.  Anything else?  Maybe.  I have a few niche small projects I'd like to do... polishing and waterproofing several pair of hiking boots, filling at least one month medicine dispenser, perhaps getting my packs reset... mix and match as possible, as things, time, and energy fit.  Yeah.

Oh, someone looked up a post I was seeking.  It dealt with when I dropped my tea bottle.  It doesn't say who was doing my pedicure, but it does give the date.  I have more work to find the strangely elusive truth, but I have part of the solution.  Odd, this and the first five second sudoku, both from private conversations... the posts were found, and presented.  I may have posted, maybe, about one, but not both?  I don't think I posted about either, though maybe.

Ducks and my ladies have been arranged.  If I can, a nap in a bit.  Later.

Double the trouble.

.
.
Beside the cold, dark, and damp, I was lagging on medicine.  I outright missed an evening dose yesterday and was well on the way to missing all of today.  I woke with an exceptional headache.  It was 22:00, so there might be time to get two doses in and be back to bed in time to be up rightly for morning medicine.

I shouldn't need much sleep later, as I have had a nap and nearly a full sleep as well.  If I can shake the headache and fever-like symptom... and various pains, I should be good.  I had the furnace at 72 with the bedroom door open.  Yeah, that will get to me.  I still needed warmth when I went to bed.  It got too hot.  On the good side, my body has started responding well to cool or heat, and more quickly.

Fasting blood sugar was 224.  It is slowly dropping.  I will probably skip eating tonight.  If I must, perhaps a fatted tea.  Probably just tea.  I turned the furnace to 66° F.  It is taking longer and longer to cool the cave.  I am hoping by the time it is down, it will be time for meds and sleep.

It wasn't just a headache I woke sensing.  Innards hurt, skin was sore from overheating, pretty much everything hurt.  No problem, aspirin.  I have been hitting that a lot lately.  Such is spring.  It is the most complicated season for me.  And yet, I wouldn't change it for the world.  I need four real independent seasons to feel right in, with, the world.
---------

Forgot to post.  Actually got busy, chasing a notion that has been forming through youtube.  I just, the science... and art... aren't settled.  Or really not settled enough for presentation.  The truth is science and art, in this paradigm... paradoxical paradigm as it now stands, is not only not settled, it can't be settled.  There is no means of doing so.  One of my first tests, to see who I am dealing with, is to see if an understanding of what the consensus is and whether that is considered true or not.  Most are herd animals, goats or sheep.

Round earth.  Cool.  Prove it without pictures from satellites or astronauts.  Use simple tools you understand to prove what you suggest.  If you can't do that, then you actually don't know.  You are merely parroting what you have been told.  Even if the world was mostly, or partially round(ed), unless you have basically seen that there are no gaps in the crust, you simply don't know.  All I require is that if you can't prove something of science with science, that you not believe it in an absolute way.

Hmm?  Oh, well, I...  I got lost in the rabbit hole.  I'll keep pondering the notion... notions.  Blood sugar is 256 after three hours up and no food.  Meat is being thawed.  The cats were fed.  I'll check their water and litter before bedtime.  It isn't cooling at all in here.  It is in the low 50s outside, but staying 72 in here... with the furnace set to 66.  Gah!  I shut the bedroom door, with the fan going.  Hopefully in another hour I can take meds and hopefully a nap.

Two hours?  Good night, again, either way.

A nap.

.
.
No real choice.  It is time to eat, but sleep is required first.  Blood sugar is 244.  It popped up again.  Worse, the nap will probably increase it more.  At this general blood sugar level, sleep almost always increases blood sugar.  When fasting blood sugar (after a full night sleep) is below ~150 , then naps and missing a meal won't jack blood sugar.  We'll see, sometimes it works out.  I sure wish I could push through.

It is dark and cool out there.  I decided against turning the heat up though.  At 72 it somehow seems too hot.  I may turn it down while I sleep.  Cats and ducks are fed etc. No work yet.  I'll do what I can.  Sleep may help.  So very tired.  Later.
---------

 A bit of a trick and a shorter nap?  Blood sugar was 200 before dinner... supper?  Not bad.  If I have anything else, it will be bone broth and cream, spiced and salted to taste.  I am hoping to break 200 again.  Who ever knows.  Still tired.  I might crash again, though who knows for how long.  It might be another ten hour drop.  So dark, cold, tired.  All good.  I have learned the hard way that if I need sleep, take it.

Yeah, well... later or good night.

It is finally working.

.
.
Insulin.  Well insulin and keto.  Still fasted, before my first meal, and blood sugar dropped forty eight points to 213.  A fatted tea and chia cereal is for breakfast.  Pork leftovers for lunch, perhaps a fatted bone broth and mixed nuts for supper.  I should thaw a roast and chicken or... something else.  Not sure what is in there.  Burger?

Still tired, rough.  I have done a lot of traveling and business.  The stress of buying a car, dealing with ssa, haggling with medical, changing meds... fair enough.  All of that in one week?  Yes.  Pleased as punch.  Tired too.  I am hoping, as blood sugar drops, if the rest can stay level and good, I can dig in.  Or start digging out.

It is chilly today.  In the low 40s at about 8:00.  Fine.  The sun is out, it could warm.  If not... actually either way... I need warmth so I'll turn the furnace up.  That, medicine, breakfast, and aspirin should get me going.  Yeah.  We'll see.  Cereal is about ready.  Later.

Not much.

.
.
I just can't quite hop to things.  I did call both my brother and mother.  I was a bit surprised with my brother.  He was in good spirits.  For my part I avoided... debate.  We don't argue well.  A bit of information back and forth, old and new things and updates, and just letting him vent.  I am proud of him.  Given all, he does well.  My mother is doing well, just busy.

Eating was improved today.  As was blood sugar.  I broke 200, at 188.  My lowest draw since starting the 19th, I believe.  I was honestly starting to worry.  I really have to eat three keto meals a day, or intermittent fast, or fast longer... if take some risks with the latter options.  It is a start.

I am going on to bed.  The alarms are set for 3:30 and 5:00.  I am hoping to grab that schedule if possible.  Good night.

Too chilly.

.
.
I finally caved, shut everything up, and turned the heat back up.  Fresh air was worth the chill, but out of doors had fallen to the low 40s.  Too chill.

Ducks were fed and watered.  I need hay for them.  I had someone suggesting they could do that.  I will have to check on that.  They desperately need fresh hay.

I am hoping to call my brother yet today.  Perhaps my mother, and the potential source of hay.  As well, a drive or two... short drives.  A shower and shave, sooner or later also.  Doing what I can as I may.  No rush, if getting these things done today is preferred.

Perhaps a few other chores?  Maybe.  I am very tired, sore.  But the sun is out.  It is up to 52° F.  It might turn out to be a very good day.  If nothing else, a bit of time, if only in the shade or I will burn, sitting out there... perhaps letting the ducks out while I am out too.  Yes, if it warms and at least doesn't rain.

Blood sugar was 324 fasting, 279 just now (still fasting).  I actually need to either eat more and more regularly or fast whole.  Oddly, anything else makes it worse... save a choice forbidden.  The current readings are in the worse category.  Of course, if I can't eat, I may have to... improvise.  They so hate when I do that.  Sometimes there simply isn't a choice.  I missed medicine yesterday, morning and night.  The first miss in months.  Back on track.

Well, on to... waiting.  Chia and flax, maybe bacon and eggs later.  Good morning.

A few days down.

.
.
I had to be out yesterday.  Now a very short few days off before I have to go out again.  After that?  I... months probably?  Even so, I am hoping to get out driving, on hills, in the hopes of being ready this or next time to take the micro to SLC for my next or following medical appointment.

As well, I am hoping to visit a few parks.  I'll take the Xterra to see the golden railroad spike, and something beyond.  But a cruise through further various state and national parks, maybe with the inflatable canoe and camping gear...  Yes, through the summer, a few or more trips.  Plus a few local events and maybe fishing trips.

Oh, right.  What.  Oh, a few days off.  Hopefully to drive a few times a day.  There is a gravel hill close by, probably a paved one, that isn't a highway.  I know of a highway hill that usually isn't to busy.  There are some steep hills leading to the V.A., very steep, with serious curves.  I would love to be ready, but the timing may be too short.

Even with me at the wheel, and mostly city driving, I have been getting 28 mpg.  Practice won't be too expensive.  I am improving, it will take time.  You have to work with the engine, a four banger.  It requires fast upshifting being a six speed, at first, then from fourth on it takes a goodly while to get to the last two... sort of, usually.  It's no sports car, but it is fun.

To bed sometime in the mid afternoon.  Awake at 1:30.  I wasn't sure if the cats were warring or if thunder was drawing near.  Yes, cats can thunder through a cave something awful.  I actually think it was a bit of both.  The baby girl, at eleven ore more, can really tromp around, and she yeowls as if a dog was around and scatters at the sounds of a storm.

Fed, litter handled, should be good.  Electricity flickered out twice.  Rain crashed heavy, hard, if briefly.  Thunder came, sat a bit overhead, then travelled on.  I enjoyed the brief weather show.  Now to reset clocks.  Sassy is still probably hiding in my bedroom.  I'll get the ducks at sunup or close.

While extremely exhausted from all the trips and negotiating, I am recovering more quickly than anticipated.  I hope to get out, for several things.  But no swimming or hiking quite yet.  I'll need several weeks of rest to get going on those things.  But I can make sure gear is ready.

Good morning.  Later.

Awake again.

.
.
Feeling a bit better.  Heartburn or acid stomach is gone.  All other aches and pains remain, if muted a goodly bit.  Not so exhausted, slightly frayed if as it should be within recent givens.  Sleep was quite good.  I am on the mend.  A small business action soon, a medical appointment before long, and I'd like to get out driving as soon as possible.  Hills, starts on those, until I can do them in my sleep.  As well, studying the manual, for slip shift down shifting more accurately.

Blood sugar is staying elevated, if lower than before.  It is between 200 and 300, where it had been between 350 and nearly 500.  Irregular sleep means meals have also been off.  I do what I can, but have to do what I must.  I have to accept I am doing what is possible.  As well, it is an improvement.  All meds are going in, as well, brushing and shaving are back in trim.  I wasn't failing to brush completely, just missing one time a day, varying.  And travelling, I couldn't brush after meals.  Ugh.

A dream.  Of significance I do believe.

In the dream I was questioned regarding tattoos or other intentional marks.  I claimed no such blemishes, labelling all marks as unintentional scars, save one.  Forced to strip for an inspection, what looked like a black light bar was brought out.  It exposed far more... the marks on my soul, or spirit if not (yet?) human.  Warrior, sins, virtues, natures... it was all scarified or tattooed onto my eternal being.  Beautiful... and horrifying.  I have never been so humbly naked.  All I saw where true, to the best of my knowledge.

I wasn't being judged.  Warned?  Informed?  To know is to be given an opportunity to correct, to find reconciliation, to change.  Knowledge is power, some power, some absolute power, does not lead to corruption.  This was one of those knowledge to power transitions which didn't lead astray.  Perhaps the only one?  I suppose any power coinciding with humility is less likely to betray the recipient?  Amen?

I left the windows open.  While making it a bit chill, the fresh air is fantastic.  If I could find a place that stayed dry, and between -40 (negative forty Fahrenheit) and 80 max, in a mountainous terrain, that I could afford... not fallen to leftism like Colorado or N. Mexico I'd sure ponder.  Though, getting central air, with a built in humidifier, would work here.  If ss comes back, I'll begin getting quotes.  I need a new furnace anyway, as well.  That, a 200 amp box, and a garage wiring system.  Over time.

On to waking.  Later.

Another day out.

.
.
Finishing some business.  Had to be out early.  Stayed up overnight again to make it work.  Sometimes, when I can make it work, it's the only way.  It worked, again.  But it's the fourth time in a week.  I have something else soon but not too soon.  Then I can rest for a bit.  I need it.

I tried to explain that, normally, and at best, I have only been getting out three times a month, for shopping.  And those weren't scheduled, I could do them when I am rested and in all other ways ready.  Being out four times... five... in the last week has been exhausting.  That I did it is proof I am doing better.  That it is figuratively killing me is proof I am still not well.  Everything hurts.

I had a breakfast out.  I needed food, wasn't up to doing that.  To add to the rest, I now have a rough heartburn or acid feeling stomach.  I chose what would mostly fit keto.  It must be the fats they use?  Gotta not do that.  Even fast food doesn't do that.  Oh well. I will have a vinegar ketonic soon, that usually works.

I returned home about... actually I have no clue.  I didn't have to cool down or such.  I crashed easily, immediately.  I may do so again shortly.  I have pushed in ways I didn't think possible.  I have made every appointment.  I... will rest, sleep, as possible until I am back in shape.  Wow.  Toast.  But... it could be worse.  And I have hit it all.  For most of you, it might be shameful to be this tired for that little.  It's just at half the days out, and half days even then.  But you aren't nearly crawling out of the grave to get there.

Yeah.  More sleep.  I hurt everywhere, and yet feel hollow, empty, stretched, and numb too.  Wonderful, actually.  If I could push through to this more often, I would.  I do believe pain... is what has kept me alive.  And if there is hope for more in life, it will only be through truly excruciating, devastating, nauseating levels of pain that I will find it... over the levels I encounter in present standard life.

Good night, later, something.

Calls.

.
.
Social Security sent paperwork saying I was ineligible.  A call, and not too much of a wait.  Told I was definitely ineligible.  I told him I have been receiving for the last thirty years, both disability incomes.  Oh, he suggested, so you didn't inform SSA?  Of course I did.  Actually thought I'd lose the ss disability.  On and on.

Finally he looked it up.  Not ssi, but ssd... based on my earnings, not a charity income... or some such.  So, for what I have been receiving my other income has no bearing.  So why send this other?  Formality, sir.  Bullshit, they were just screwing with me.  He knows it, I know it.

Before that, a call about the paperwork.  I gave them razzes about sending paperwork with such a short expiry.  She said she was happy to extend the deadline.  Again, they are just screwing with me.  I made sure she noted that both were being sent today.  I asked about the other issue.  Not her area.  Nor a number given.  I figured it out, after trying several numbers throughout the several letters (in the same packet).

I'm not grumpy as a rule.  What did Gandalf say to Frodo about testing him?  Right.

Right.

A start.

.
.
Meds, brushing, aspirin, first thing.  Then time reviewing the world through the lenses of various minds and sources.  Just now fresh tea set to brew, duck feeding and watering, cats as well, and their litter.  The body still hurts.  Muscles as if slightly torn and pretty much everywhere, lungs have a slight burn as if pushed a little too long, some joints ache, a slight headache... that after the effects of aspirin, a good lot of it.

No problems.  It is what is expected, minimally, after pushing as hard as I have been.  This is good, actually.  I don't know if I can do much today.  I am not sure I should.  Pushing at this stage might be good, or might cause a major stall.  I had thought, with the heart improved, I could push.  I can, and further than ever since first ill, but the backlash can still cripple.  In some ways much more severely.

It is sunny, but not all that warm.  In time that will improve.  I won't open up the house until things prove out to be warmer this afternoon.  I am trying to get places, do things.  I am just not quite there yet.  I'll keep trying.  The weather will help, until it hurts.  Later.

What a strange twist.

.
.
I finally went to bed at 21:00, give or take a quarter.  I was in exhaustion agony for hours leading up to bedtime.  I simply could not sleep.  When I could go in, I couldn't fall quickly to sleep.  When sleep happened, it was exceptionally good.  I woke at ~1:30 but knew not to get up.  Sleep returned very quickly.  I woke again, thinking it would still be close to 1:30, but it was 5:30.  Fasting blood sugar is 267.  I am suspecting I will break below 200 today or tomorrow.  It goes multiples faster with keto and insulin.  If I can fast this or next weekend, it will be done very fast.  Every other weekend.  Oh, and when I can add intermittent fasting?  Yeah.

Time to rise.  It is a goal, on the later end.  Perhaps a beginning to a return to that pattern?  It might just be a fluke, with scheduling up in the air.  I see it as an opportunity.  If I can sleep a bit earlier, perhaps I can wake a bit earlier, then grab that schedule.

Other than an hour and half nap, I was awake for 28 or 29 hours yesterday.  No wonder the pain.  I just didn't have a choice.  I couldn't sleep leading into the appointments, then couldn't sleep until I did.  I was caught in an impossible cycle.  Still, it might work out.  One more appointment this week, a call or two, then I can take a breather.

I did take care of the critters.  But brushing and shaving have been falling into neglect.  There isn't an easy way to do it all, or even a difficult path.  Out of functional energy is just that.  I did air the place out, since I couldn't sleep.  Quite nice.  I hope to do it more, through the week, as possible.  It has to be warm enough.

While I do need rest, I also need to do dishes, and general cleaning.  I'll never get caught up, but if...  some of it, or some areas...  I should see if there is anything to thaw.  I am rather broke the rest of the month.  Ugh.  Later.

Done.

.
.
To bed when possible.  Paperwork.  Social Security is trying to deny me because of V.A. disability.  Two different forms to fill out.  Done.

I just saw what happened over there.  I had wondered what this was about.  It isn't a god, certainly not God, just a horseman.  Though I don't see their fingerprints.  I see only those who will act as the pawns, for their darker requirements, have acted.  I realize now that I spotted an anomaly.  Too vague, but I believe I saw yesterday in advance... and the culprit.  Well... won't ever actually have that exposed, but...

I need sleep.  Took a nap, no choice.  Waking from it sort of broke something.  I have to come down before I sleep.  Ugh.  I hurt to sleep but can't, like salivating over a steak with a broken jaw.  It pains me psychologically, yet mechanically as well.  Soon.  One more appointment this week, then I can rest.  So very tired.

Good night.  Yes, girls and ducks have been fed, meds remembered?  I'll check.  Brushing has been slipping, I'll... try...

I was away when posting.

.
.
I created the last post, then put it on scheduled automatic posting.  I actually had to make a trip to SLC, to the V.A.  I told my doc I would... do some extra hoop jumping... to get what I need.  I got what I need.  So hoop time.  It's killing me.  I am still tired from last week.  Absolutely exhausted.  And I keep pulling close to 24 hour days, either because I can't sleep, or like today because of appointments.

It was diabetes education and extra tracking.  The cool thing is, this fellow is a keto type.  I... had prepared for a war of wits on the matter.  No need.  Numbers were looking good.  Down to 233 last I checked.  Won't check again until tomorrow.  Will see him again, next time I see my doc.

As good and timely a drive as I could have hoped.  Enough sun for good cheer, not enough to fry.  Quite a nice day, even with mild sprinkles.  Any trip is easier with a nice mix of mild weather and easy traffic.  I didn't get panicked, or feel pushed, pinched, or crowded driving.

So tired.  I have something this afternoon.  May nap a bit.  Ugh.  Later.

Do they ever sleep?

.
.
Such... things.  Must be from at least two sources.  One found a post about my first five second sudoku.  I... am pretty sure which one that is.  Don't women sleep?

Otherwise, this time, without comment.

Accusations.

.
.
If the songs pop, they fit, and I realize?  I have to play them.  Actually they have nothing, for my part, to do with me.  Might even have been true, to some degree, but long ago.  If it was still true she would already have gotten her fifteen minute to three hour shake, and a baby if a certain one.  It's how and all I used to do... after my first real went away.  Now, which of two possible women is feeling dry, sore, and let go, I can't be sure.  One still, always had, a chance.

Sometimes songs are just algorithmic reverberations.

.
.
Sometimes they are more.  Much more.  They arrive dappled in soul blood.

I can sense the difference.  Or so I say.

Wounded.  Initially.  She was.  I could tell.  Struggling with... things... since then.  Girls are such... girls.  Yeah.  I have watched songs pop in accordance to various things I have written.  As a pianist might hear an accompanying fiddle, cello, or choral backing... real or imagined but reasonably so.  I didn't write to receive, it merely happens... sometimes.

Didn't I just title one "Ouch"?

.
.
I second that.  In a better way, perhaps.  This is from the constant, for me, and intense negotiations, recently.  Brutal.  Successful, tiring.  It definitely beats unsuccessful and tiring.  Everything is just on the left side of good.  Just a bit off.  It might improve without assistance, if it seems to be improving slowly.  Aspirin, for when respite is desperately needed and earned.

Blood sugar was strangely high, at 347 this morning.  I suspect it was the exceptionally long day yesterday and again.  I didn't get to bed until 7:00?  Up to several hours later, if no earlier.  Long days, back to back, especially if caused by the misery of absolute exhaustion, can fiddle with those numbers.  No worries.  I know I am on the right path, and that the road is bumpy, winding, and tedious.  I know it will get there.  Plus, yesterday was actually the best day for reads in a very long time.  No 400s, and only one very low 300.  That is 100 to 200 lower after one day on meds and back on keto.  Oh, another problem may have been eating to much due to such a long day.

I was, and remain, so tired focus is difficult.  I can stay keto, finally.  The two days of sun helped.  But that isn't enough to overcome exhaustion from activities.  So intermittent fasting... I can't quite do that yet.  It's on the menu, and will be added as is possible.  I still have two appointments this week, one early next month, and others lining up for the near future.  I haven't been, or been able to be, this busy since last summer.

Ducks have been tended, cat litter cleared.  I won't feed the girls for another hour, their water looks good.  Cold tea and pills down, fresh tea brewing with a fatted tea, fatted bone broth, and chia and ground flax breakfast... in parts... on the schedule.  Not a bad life.  Though fictional (too?), I have to wonder if Yoda didn't live as such in retirement.

Raining again.  I'll shower and shave shortly.  Good day.

Always good.

.
.
Lower numbers in health instrument readings, as a general rule, within limits, and regarding readings I can take at home.  Back on keto, doing shots before meals, and testing to specs.  This is the first time since falling away, without fasting, I have nearly been completely below 300.  Fasting was 297, before the first meal two hours later, it read 303, and before this last meal, again two hours apart, and the reading dropped to 204.

Yeah, this will be processed quickly.  Then to stick closer to keto.  Forever?  If I want to kick diabetes and medicine, yes.  Once out, even while grinding, I can have an off meal occasionally, two, perhaps three times a week.  Regular soda included, if that is too risky.  Begins a bad habit.  I will keep tabs on blood sugar even if I can kick it.

Technically it is just midday, according to when I last woke.  If that was a terribly off par sleep cycle.  I may head on to bed shortly.  So sleepy.  If, again, almost too sleepy to sleep.  I'll try.  Actually right now.  Yes.  No cats allowed.  They have been annoying lately and I need solid sleep.  Good night.

Ouch.

.
.
Not as much pain, grogginess, or grump as expected.  I wasn't able to sleep until 7:00. Woke sometime at right at 15:45.  I tried to remember the times, had to really think, was finally able to recall.  A bit stiff and sore.  A bit tired.  The world has a soft glow from sleep fogged eyes.  But good, really.

A second call to my mom.  This one went through.  She is doing well.  Their whether is tracking ours, a few days behind.  They got a good deal warmer, if as much due to lower elevation, humidity, and a much longer sunshine window.  A four degrees difference wouldn't be thought all that much, but that sun, through the lens of that humidity...  wow.  She was pleased, cautiously, with my car.  Her guy's son recently bought one.  Extra happy I didn't get rid of my Xterra in the process.  I didn't think she liked my Nandi?  Women!

After two days of solid sun, much needed and greatly appreciated, it is again overcast. No complaint.  As with bobbing on the river, surfacing for air enough was... enough.  Back under?  So be it.  I can actually use that to my advantage.  I heal better in the cold.  Even cool weather is better.  Between my pushing and starting insulin, healing will begin.

I have been too busy, and traveling, so eating right hasn't been possible.  Even so, my highs are down to the lower 300s, and my fasting draws have been amazingly sub 300!  Yeah, it is already, after a day and a third, having a rather large effect, moreso given foods consumed, and fewer meals.  Back to keto today.  Intermittent fasting too, or the beginnings of carving that back into... ¿out of?... my world.  Takes time to re-sort things.

Anyway.  Good early evening.

Busy longer day.

.
.
Two of those in a row.  Too wiped to settle to sleep.  A test drive.

It was a 2014 Chevy Cruze.  Rated at 30 mpg mixed.  Technically a five people sedan, but it would be tight in the back seats.  Huge trunk... I'd rate it at at least a two body trunk, maybe three.  ;p  The transmission on her is smooth, a six speed manual.  She only has a a 4 cylinder but you wouldn't know it.

I was a bit hesitant to take her out.  Even as forgiving as the transmission was, I never depended on that.  I did well.  We did the deal.  That is dependent upon a shop review, but it looks and sounds right.  I even drove it home through middling to heavy traffic.  I made one mistake while gearing down.  The clutch is tight and needs complete compression.  No biggie, I just had to glide to my turn, there realizing my problem.

I had to compromise, on many things.  As did they.  That is business.  Did I get a good deal?  On paper, assuming everything checks?  Oh yes, a generous deal.  But I was willing and mostly able to barter.  You have to ask, push, and drive.  They can't hand you a deal.  It was as good of a deal, and then some, as was possible given the givens.

Oh, after the cake was baked, and while doing small talk, my age came up.  Yeah, I... surprised.  A lot.  They seemed to have thought I was joking, by a lot.  I suggested if the deal wasn't done, I might have thought they were attempting something.  But no, the deal was done.  Thankfully no awful stew.  Salt fixes most things, though travelling in a rush means luxuries aren't always possible.  Then it is pure grit and a smile.

A cascade she started.

.
.
She had other thoughts, but it created a reaction.  She isn't a believer.

It took longer to get to bed than anticipated.

.
.
A texts.  Okay, it doesn't look like I said, did, or wrote anything troubling?  Too troubling.  I'll check when eye contact is available.  Still, good for now.

The temp was 60f out there, so I opened a bunch of windows.  I meant to close them all an hour ago but forgot one.  Best check them all before bed, just to be sure.

I did ask my doc about bleeding, or sore plagued hands, just in case the heart or diabetes might be the cause, she is going into cardiology.  Nope.  She wouldn't look at the sores.  I showed her my top sudoku score too.  She... was actually... surprised.  Just... developing an understanding.  Though I found out I will only see her one more time, then she is gone.

All good.  So very tired.  Now good night.

A very long day.

.
.
I couldn't sleep.  I had an appointment this morning.  So, by the time I arrived, I had been awake sixteen to eighteen hours.  First a blood draw, then primary.

Traffic was brutal.  I missed my off-ramp on top of it.  Road rage, but not at people, at the condition.  I still made it an hour early, showered and shaved.  My doc wasn't happy with my research.  She said they use the best.  I merely asked if she honestly thought her sources were better than the Mayo clinic.  Oops.  Awkward moment.

She may believe.  I hope she does.  False beliefs can be cured.  Indifference, or especially malicious intent, not so much.  I didn't do more than state my case and not back down.  She wanted to be right but couldn't simply make it so.  Period.  I really don't argue, debate, negotiate.  Not when there is no need or right purpose.

I was sure, from the long day and brutal road, my blood pressure was going to be sky-high.  The first one was in the low 140s/80s to 90s?  I was tickled blue.  But, no, that wasn't good enough.  Oh, I was terrified it would be higher.  With all the givens, I... had doubts.  Still... it's their gridiron.  Wonderful, as it turned out, say 121/very low 80s!  Pulse showed my effort, 110 at first, no second reading.

So, I have the heart and bp better by lots.  The heart has thickened and deformed from the pounding, but it is pumping out blood fast enough.  Mostly.  Now for diabetes and weight loss.  The A1C was at 12, not good at all.  Here is were we crossed words over medicine.  Further, I simply refused anything other than the fastest acting stuff they had, or I would save up for it.

We... negotiated.  Oh, I understand.  I assured her.  And described some things that clarified my understanding, including methods for and reasons to hack insulin pumps. Anyway.  I agreed to whatever hoops and instructions she would demand, and to my honest best, so long as my preferred product was offered.  The deal was struck, scripts and instructions were written up.  I will read them each day for the next few, and keep them around.  Pretty easy, mostly, but I am so tired.

I was half way to the interstate before I realized I forgot my scripts.  I thought about just keeping going.  But, no.  I had asked for people to sign off on it, over their own objections, and I know it will work.  So back I went.  As I entered the campus, one of the coppers was right on me.  Maybe just going the same way.

I got in, saw the pharmacy rep, then went to the pharmacy to wait.  A fed cop showed up, stood at the end of my solitary aisle.  Hmm.  While I was waiting, I remembered the missed eye appointment, so rescheduled that.  Then sat back down.  An half hour goes by and the cop just kept standing there.  I asked him what he was doing.  He said he was just hanging out.  Another half hour, so I ask if he is waiting for someone to leave.  Again, he says he is just hanging out.  They don't... just hang out.  Fifteen minutes later and he leaves... to be replaced by a plain clothes, sitting at the end of my otherwise empty aisle.  I wonder if that is standard procedure from now on.  I'll talk to some people there and elsewhere if it continues.  It'll end quickly.  Promise.

Oh, and glorious sun.  Here, all the way down, and back.  I had my, mostly, last junk meal.  But that gorgious golden sun!  I could barely handle being in it, but soaked in what I could.  So very tired.  Ducks fed first thing.  The girls were fed early.  Will be fed before I sleep, then litter cleaning.  Other than traffic and the cops bearing down for whatever reason, it was a great day.

Before I crash, I need to figure something out.  Someone seems to have blown me off.  I just want to check.  Later.  Actually good night.  Bedtime might be a bit off, but I can't post again.

Must have dozed off.

.
.
I don't know when.  No clue.  Not sure when I woke.  Ducks and cats have been fed and watered, teeth brushed, and fresh tea set.  But, depending on how fast or slow I am going, that all can take five minutes or an hour.  Yeah, I can go that slow.  I have no scale of time currently.  I need sunshine to... break from darkness induced spring doldrums.

I woke in glorious pain.  I had to push through it to function.  I might have screamed in agony a few times, but that would merely have exacerbated the headache.  Besides, even when extreme pain catches me off guard, I have learned suffering in absolute silence is usually best.  Rarely will those who come running be there to help.  It has all mostly passed, if a handful of aspirin along with evening medicine was gulped.

Surprisingly, I have been keeping on medication in an exemplary fashion, even through massive harsh irregular uncontrollable shifts in my sleep patterns.  Same with brushing and the critters.  Keeping up with the cats, their needs and some wants, was my first real steps out of my grave.  That is what cemented my theory that life is only truly understood through service... service to others.

With only barely a breath of a breeze of life which should be a gale it was a test, serving the girls, leaving enough to handle my basic needs.  I have almost come back to life.  With the ducks, I now have... get?... to face the elements.  I have more to do as well.  Life, success, health, what of it can be known, only derives from service.  The more pure, the higher the quality of those things created.

Christ said these things.  And I learned them, philosophically.  It wasn't until I was crippled below the civil poverty line, and have had to learn to even walk, talk, listen, hear, even see again, then try to go from there, that I have learned the physical application of that truth.

It is what is missing, often, in this world.  So many attempt to steal these things, simply becoming bankrupt by choking on me'ism.  The sad thing is, if you choose to serve simply, truly, purely, even for a cripple living enormously humbly, life is quite good.  Only a right wife could improve it, if she walks the same truth... if in the feminine way.  Love.  That.  Walk.  ; p

Oh, an auto may be in.  Right price, stick, age, with remaining factory warranty?  Mileage?  I'll be in to see it soon.  It's a Chevy, which does cause concern.  I'll... look at the specs and all.  It may do.  Or not.  It is cause for excitement.  Cautious excitement.  We will see.

Oh, I do chatter.  Good day and later.

Down right, back up as a yo~yo.

.
.
To sleep by 12:30.  A good sleep.  I heard the lawn mower at... hmm... around 16:00?  Perhaps several hours later.  Anyway.  I often hear that or other vehicles or sounds, but rarely wake with such little sleep.  A shower, first thing.  I will have some of that pork roast soon, again.  It turned out quite good.  There is enough that I am freezing some.  That's a first.

Such creatures.

.
.
At war?  Isn't love a form of war?  Well...

Rocking.

.
.
Around the clock.  My schedule is spinning.  As has been the case for a while.  Weeks?  Months?  I just can't tell.  To bed slightly after noon, half past plus or minus small change.  Awake right at 21:00, surrendering a technicality.  Well rested but slightly hungry.  A massive pork roast is thawed and just waiting.  I'll start the grill after this.

I might be crushed by the dark and gloom, but I am keeping up on dailies.  I don't know if good weather will help.  Not if it goes straight to heat.  I must focus, push, shove, to get out, up, going.  I have to try to eat better, get to hiking and swimming.  I can, or will.

I am loving life, even through pain and gripes.  It isn't bad if it could be better.  I'll keep working on things.  Grill is started.  Later.

A few changes.

.
.
Leg cramps.  Too much outflow.  Dinking too much, thus causing a cascade?  I suspect.  It might be drinking to little.  I will attempt a fix by, again lowering the water pill dose, from three to two.  It's still a high dose but I am a very big dog, twice the standard human size.  I ignored occasional cramping for a week, but it has become regular, at night (my night, near bedtime) and during sleep.

Cold, dark, wet, actually raining.  It is rather brutal.  I forgot to turn the the heat up.  Done.  So very cold.  And dark.  Damp, in the air.  Still, spring is going to arrive soon.

Nothing was thawed.  I'll put out a pork roast.  It is quite large.  Just it for now.  When half through that, I will get a small chuck and package of hindquarters out... drummies actually.  They don't offer whole hindquarters here, that I can find.  If, after a while of it, I think it's better this way.  They cook at drastically different times, thighs and drummies.  Perhaps even more so at altitude... and the continued cooking after being removed from the heat is much diminished at altitude.  No gripe, just an understanding.  I love the highlands, this isn't even a price, it's merely knowledge.  You can learn to use it as an advantage.  Cooking slower but a bit higher gets it done more quickly.

I have some sort of dry cough going on.  It feels like it is from a dry throat.  It can't be that.  However, tea can do that sometimes.  As can some spices.  I'm not sure, perhaps excess voiding is the culprit?  Another week and I will begin grousing for the problem(s) and solution(s).

Oh, the folk who are helping me out with SSA have received paperwork to fill out.  They were asked what handedness I am.  Really?  Anyway, I am surprised they were sent a packet.  Very strange.  Hmm.  I better warn them to make a copy.  The SSD loses paperwork incredibly regularly.  Or the post office guy was circular filing them?  We have a new post office guy though.  Still...

Hungry.  Nothing... well... chia cereal, or pecans or other such.  Yea.  Later.

Not sure.

.
.
At some point after that last post... an half hour to two after... I went back to bed.  I woke... a while ago.  Well, began waking.  I am still waking.  Forgot to brush my teeth upon waking.  Yes, I want to keep them up, if possible.  I remembered to do them before bed.  There is time, after this post.  I haven't brushed fewer than three times a day since two months before going for the appointment.  I may have missed a few nights, but had brushed three other times.

A brief look outside, while watering the ducks again, and espying the weather.  The temp had risen to 48 and clouds were breaking up.  I got to see a bit of sun.  I would have stayed out a bit, I just couldn't quite handle the moist windy cool, and didn't have the energy to shower and dress more warmly.  Still, it brought a smile to my inside face...  too tired to externally express it.

Back to the game.  It forces me, if painfully, to focus.  A shower and dishes later.  More. Just that bit of sun might have... opened a door... a small one.  For while I am small?

More rain.

.
.
Thus dark, cool, and all else that goes with it.  At least it is verdant in a way only such springs can produce.  I napped sometime around midnight to 3:00?  In that range.  The ducks and girls have had all needs tended.  I will most likely head on to bed shortly.

At 8:15 and it is still so dark.  It was just above freezing if the thermometer can be believed.  It didn't feel that cold.  Just checking in.  What am I doing?  Working on trophies for Metro Exodus.  For one of the more difficult ones, I have no saves, except for chapter ends.  I have two more longer chapters to finish.  Even on easier settings dying is easy.  And the longer chapters take hours.  Ugh.

About always seeing the glass as empty, by the way?  If it is only half full, then it IS essentially empty.  With some things it is only all or nothing.  Only a woman with no real interest, as the false mother claiming a child before Solomon, could propose halves as good enough.  Further, that wasn't really the point.  It was simply that too much was spoken that might...  If I wanted to ask, I would have.  Not the point.

Good night?  Maybe.

Her dream?

.
.
Mine, about or through her?  I can't tell.  I told you, I can slip into people's dreams.  If it is incidental I may not know.  A song came  to mind.  Immediately and throughout.

What time was it?

.
.
I woke at 15:30, or 13:30.  I've been awake for a... long time?  It has that sense, and yet it is only 16:00.  I was almost sure, without thinking, that it was 15:30.  Crazy.

Nothing delivered.  No snow.  Still dark, cool, and wet.  I should thaw a roast or two.  Nothing to eat tonight?  I'll look around.  If the eggs are good, boiling them might work, some of them.  On a salad would be fine.  Or fresh and warm.  Ugh.

I was sure I heard someone outside, perhaps closer.  I was sure... something had been delivered.  Nope.  I am positive it wasn't a dream.  Still, nothing.  Odd.

I called my mother.  She is sounding much better.  I had thought too many phone calls annoyed her.  Maybe not?  Still, these have mostly been health checks.

Oh, I best turn the heat up and get ready for a shower.  Definitely would enjoy one.  No shave until Monday, or Sunday.  Still painfully tired.  The sun will return.  Later.

Maybe.

.
.
Never certain.  Perhaps she does read here.  I almost suspect so.  But to have dug so far, and specifically, back?  It may be one of my longtime readers calling me out.  Either way, I believe them to be wrong.  If, for example, she had seen me on the street before I saw her, what would she have done?  Hidden.  Be honest.  We aren't friends.  We aren't associates.  I hate it when folk deny reality, and create ire for untrue things.  No need to take it personal, nor get angry.

Someone is playing games?

.
.
Or trying to say something.  Has been going on for days.  At least two.

I have been ignoring, for what good it does.  A few, the most recent.

Days are spinning.

.
.
Down after 4:00.  An half hour or four hours after, though, I can't say.  Up at 15:30, give or take fifteen either way.  It's as good as memory gets.  Had to refill meds today.  I haven't set up the monthly yet.  Two of those set up will really have me good.  I'll be a lot surer to always have two to four weeks in reserve.

Raining, dark, wet, and cold.  It seems to be staying around 42°F.  At least during the day.  I dreamed it snowed a foot, more because that was how much stuck.  I went out for some reason, in the dream, and had returned and gone back to sleep.  Then, in the dream still, I woke and went to the back door to look out again.  I had left it wide open, both doors.  It wasn't cold, but how much fuel had been needlessly burned.  Though I can't call it a nightmare.  It was so beautiful out there.

Ah.  My appointment was cancelled, at primary.  Yesterday.  I remembered to call to reschedule first thing.  If it holds, I will actually get in earlier.  All good.  Either they set me up with insulin or I have to start saving.  Budget isn't kind for that, even when SSD is arriving.  Now it is murder.  Still, it's what I've got.

Today?  I don't know.  So tired.  I'll... think about it.  Good... afternoon.  Be well.

The dark noon thirty down.

.
.
Up an half hour before the daylight noon?  If you don't run a twenty four hour time, why not have two noons?  Anyway.  Still dark and cold.  I don't remember hearing rain, but I slept so very hard I wouldn't have heard hail.  Even when I woke to use the facilities I remember nothing else.

After pedicures, and massages when I used to get them, I crash even harder than usual.  All good, it must do something for the body, I believe it to be something very good.  As mentioned, I don't, can't, relax.  These things cause a mechanical relaxation which overcomes my psychic clinging to coherent conscious attempts at absolute readiness and sobriety.  Which is why I prefer even the harsh pain of cracked ribs to the dulling yet loosing of the mind and will that pain pills create.

If too, I believe it is pain that keeps me alive often.  For now.  I may be healing past that.  If I can get in shape, which means losing another twenty to forty pounds to start... if that will require it's own pains, and ongoing pains.  There really isn't an escape from pain that doesn't require very bad choices.  Not in this life.  So grab it and use it.

I best get to dailies.  After a bit.  A couple hours to wake, then to it.  The toilet got well scrubbed yesterday.  Sweeping and mopping today, and laundry today.  I have some help arriving today to.  Best be ready.  Later.

No, not.

.
.
Speaking with a muse can be... confusing.  The imaginings can be mixed in with the reals.  But... no.  Thankfully she has no interest, so perhaps only a mild irritation would develop.  As for my part, why not?  Speak to someone half your age.  Stop right there.  I can barely speak with men her age, and only if their sacks have dropped.  If they are terrified to fight I want nothing to do with them.  Most women her age are horrifying to speak with.  Though, in limited engagements such as this, it's usually okay.

I am sure there are women out there, her age, who might do.  She isn't one of them.  It's not a hateful thing, just an understanding.  She is on par what I would expect from a woman of her age.  I... avoid many topics with her.  Even so I realize I disturb her from time to time.  Politics, religion, anything, nothing.  Well and the age of my body.  I have no chance with her, just for that.

No problem, that is expected.  Nothing about any of that is a problem.  Typical.  It's just that things might have been said, in my exhausted stupor, that might have intimated an interest that just isn't so.  Hopefully she will be far past it next time.  Perhaps I will take my phone and play sudoku.  Just... avoid conversation from now on.  We really aren't... friends, even associates.

Training is possible, but it actually must be for the willing only.  Mostly.  And the able.

So tired.

.
.
Still, the critters tended.  A shower and shave, then to town for the feet-cure.  I... may... one more month and then I will either quit those or go every other month.  The cuticles though... if they aren't managed, walking can hurt.  Difficult to do on my own.  I can clip my toenails, with some acrobatics, but the cuticles are very difficult.  Hmm... I may research it.

It has been dark all day.  It continues to rain off and on.  It's a handsome day, but cold, wet, and dark.  I'll have a salad in a bit.  Perhaps put a roast out for tomorrow.  Not much else.  Meds down.  It's been a very long time since I missed a dose.  A month?  At least.  It is probably going on two months, or very close.

A hike tomorrow?  Even if it is raining, I have gear.  Rain pants, waterproof shell, hiking poles, if I should dredge up a canteen, clean and fill it.  It won't be far.  Probably a quarter mile if I am lucky.  But it would be a start.  A start is where everything begins.  I suppose any time would be good.

Later.

Out of control.

.
.
I simply can't get to bed early, or push waking early.  Being awake eighteen to twenty hours at a time, while sleeping from eight to twelve hours, there is too much both ways.  No way to stuff those sums into a twenty four hour day.  It is becoming physically painful, pulling my body apart.  Well, it feels like it.  Probably good for me somehow.

I keep getting crank "pain relief clinic" calls.  At best, legal pushers, at worst an outright scam.  Actually, I got that reversed.  Better to lose some money than to be turned into an addict.  I've quit heavy drinking... at least of alcohol... actually all alcohol drinking, as well as quit tobacco.  Some suggest tea has caffeine, but at the volumes I consume there is no effect.  Further, my heart improved while drinking gallons and gallons of the stuff a day, if countered by pills that dump the stuff to a balance.  Oh, but about the pain?  I think I need it.  It keeps me at it, for now.  I do hope to get beyond the need of pain as a life check, but will use it as needed as long as needed.  Though too, pain is humbling.  It is good for the soul, if you choose to see beyond it while in it.

The sun still hasn't been out.  It rained most of the part of the night I slept.  It rains, off and on, even yet.  Overcast, dark, damp, and that special chill only humidity can create.  No complaint.  This sort of weather has a special place in the darker nethers of the blackest parts of the dark part of my heart.  This is when few can... slip hordes, like an arrow designed to slip the tornado or hurricane to it's eye... or heart.  People don't even like looking out.  Soldiers placed out in it don't like to see.  I have said we can't make illusions, we can only help people see or not see what they would rather experience.  Sometimes the world doesn't need a hero.  Sometimes what it needs is a monster.  Thousands?  It never took that many, but had it been necessary?  Aye, and more.

Of course, for now, it merely causes increased drowsiness.  If not a terrible thing, not of much advantage either.  Perhaps what works on men also works on hunting prey?  Although, it really isn't just the weather.  It is the longer sun and warming.  Spring is the season of chaos, birth and rebirth.  It has always been a complicated season.  At least for me.

A whisper... "Doom, you talk too much...".  Me,  "Shut up already"!

Today?  One thing for sure.  I'll... see.  Later.

Up all day.

.
.
No work.  Wasn't expecting work.  Wasn't expecting to stay awake beyond the call.  Surprised I didn't oversleep as things turned.  Yeah, all were fed, medicine taken... all of it, the first two litter cleanings and teeth brushings... perhaps more.  A final meal, for all, duck watering, a final brushing, a final litter cleaning, all yet to happen.  Little things.  Some necessary, some just as an effort for the very purpose of requiring work.

I am hoping to add functions, expand what I can do and the length of time I can work per episode and summed over the day and week.  With a major stressor completed, if the sun would come out and some warmth would return, perhaps I could hit things.  The next time I make it to town I will arrange for a dumpster for the middle of next month.  I will begin sorting things starting even now... as soon as I can work.  Ugh.

I have also set a goal of swimming at least once this week.  Maybe a short hike around town as well.  Even just ten blocks or such.  No pack, but something to drink as a starter.  Hiking poles?  Maybe.  I would like to break myself in with one of each the first week or three, then double swimming for the next month, while expanding the single hike and adding a light pack, then adding weight up to my ballbuster, maxed.  Yea.

Perhaps a shower and shave before bed.  Laundry and dishes tomorrow?  It's time for sheets to be changed again.  I did bring the trash barrel back.  I love when I do that right away, if I notice driving around that I'm not the only one who runs out of time or energy for that little thing.  Likely other little things, not all visible.

Probably good night.  I have things to do yet, hours to go.  But for posting this is it.

Sometimes there is no sense.

.
.
No sense of anything.

Done.

.
.
It was easier than anticipated.  No travel was good.  Memory, or lack of it, regarding medical appointments, was the only problem I had.  It didn't take very long.  It wasn't stressful.  The fellow was patient and put me at ease.  It was the same information I have sent in over and over, just updated.  I did my best.

Four to five months before I will know anything.  It is how long they take to... make some sort of decision.  If, even then, another appointment for another medical exam.  And however long after that.  Of course, no guarantee about anything.  I... will just have to keep holding my financial breath.  It's a long time.  It has been a long time.

Still, done.  I did ask about the tax form.  He believed it to be odd, will check into it.  That doesn't mean I will be informed of any results.  Still, at least that caught his attention as well.  He assured me no one is collecting my benefits.  I'll leave that at that.  Trust is earned.  Still, he seemed truthful, earnest.

Gah!  Now I can't sleep!  I suspect the exhaustion was in large part stress.  Later.

Horrible.

.
.
I woke at 10:30.  I went to sleep at 21:00, so set the 3:00 and 5:00 alarms.  I doubted a 3:00 wake, though maybe.  I was all but sure about the 5:00 wake.  I remembered the 3:00 set, and turning it off as I knew I wasn't ready, making sure to keep the 5:00 alarm active.

I don't remember the 5:00 alarm, or snoozes if they happened.  The alarm is still on, so I am pretty sure I must have slept through it.  I had a phone appointment this morning at 9:00!  I had my phone set to give out alarms at 7:00, 8:00, and 8:40.  I hadn't heard those either?

I grabbed my phone, to see if I had been called.  Nope.  A few emails, some update requests, a few other odds and ends.  The interface on my phone seemed odd.  Everything looked tiny.  Ugh.  I went back to sleep a bit, then decided to just wake, call in, apologize, and check about another appointment.

This time, when looking at it, the phone interface was normal sized.  And it wasn't yet 6:30?  Wow.  Dirty rotten tricky nightmare.  I must admit, that was a tricky one.  The small odd interface and email notification gave it away without quite killing the effect?  Something like that.  Those things did blunt the impact a bit though.

You would have thought that would have waken me, but no.  I still couldn't wake until after 8:00.  Oh, Lordy, some days are hard to wake up into.  The furnace has been turned up.  Trash was put out last night.  Good thing too, if I wasn't dreaming... the trash truck was by at about 8:00.  Hmm, let me check.  I didn't put recycling out, only had one small bag in that huge bin.  -  No, it hasn't been collected.  However, it looks like the neighbor might have moved heavy equipment, so it may not have been a dream.

Still so brutally tired.  Even having gone to bed at 21:00, crazy.  I had to fight to be awake, am fighting still.  I would sleep to noon or later if I could.  Organs hurt, sleepy, worn, a bad day.  At least I didn't miss the call.  A bit of tea, then waiting for the call.  Later.

No nap.

.
.
I brushed and gargled then just sat.  A few hours later it came to my attention that I  was still awake.  So I had a bit of the roast and a glass of milk.  I've been charging my phone and picking beef out of my teeth since.  So tired, so very tired.  I'd like to crash, but first feeding and watering the beasts.

It has been dark, and in the mid to low forties, if I have seen correctly.  Some sun would be good.  Oh, trash out then to the curb.  Good night.  I am thirsty though, and the phone is still charging anyway.  Not quite to bed, after this, just no more posts.  Blind with weariness.

Nearly naptime.

.
.
Ducks and girls have finally been fed and watered.  I will clean out litter shortly.  Already hit it once, first thing.  I like to hit it after their breakfast as well, then after their dinner... several hours after they eat.  Missing a time or two does happen, if the average is solidly between two and three times a day.  I probably need to change their litter more often, if it may just be a lack of outside air.  Winter and two cats is tough.

I really have improved my daily chore list.  Timing can be off, but numbers aren't.  Oh, the dental tech suggested straws, so as not to stain my teeth with tea.  I planned to use what I had, almost forgot, then realized what I had were to short.  I ordered longer steel ones, several lengths to check, and brushes to clean them.  Due in Monday.  After that I will cut brushing to three times a day.

It is naptime.  When I wake, trash and maybe recycling will go out.  I am hoping to do some dishes, get a shower taken, maybe a shave, and go through my swimming gear. With the paddle lock, I am set.  Too tired, so I will push my way in because of that, if I can.  The good thing about naps is I get a second time to use a mouthwash that is good for the gums.  Otherwise I only use it at night.  I won't use it and drink tea right away with it.

So tired.  Hmm, I wish music would...  Later.

A very late roast.

.
.
Since sleep wasn't possible, I put a chuck roast on the grill.  As well, a few red potatoes and a can of corn.  Must have been tired, I forgot to open the can.  Thankfully no explosion.  I cooled the can in running water, then used a little sledgehammer and chisel.  First to open a bit to lower steam pressure and reduce heat, then to peel enough of the lid back to get the corn out.  Rather a trick as deformed as the can became.  I doubt if any part of that operation was spec, or at all safe.  Not a recommendation, just history.

It was 4:30 and small change when I finally crawled into bed.  Fed but not stuffed.  I fell to sleep immediately.  I woke around 9:30.  Not rested, or feeling great... f actually not feeling... anything.  So strange.  Not sure why I couldn't sleep, or why I am up so early.  Odd.  Very tired.  I may nap around noon.

Teeth, tea going down, medicine in, hot tea started.  I'd like  another shower, maybe a shave.  I don't mind feeding the ducks a bit later, now that I am feeding and watering them twice most days.  Same with my ladies.  A little variability is good anyway.  I'll... set the alarm and get it done before long.  So very desperately tired.  Later.

I... sleep... oh well.

.
.
I just can't control sleep cycles currently.  I have been on the right meds, regularly.  I have been controlling temps.  I have been grooming and trying to eat well.  I have been using the alarms.  I simply can't control the outcomes.  I generally seem to require about eight hours of sleep.  Though if I work or play hard, especially over a period of days, I can need as much as twelve hours.  The real problem is getting to bed.

Here it is, 23:30.  Even having showered, done dailies, and gone shopping, and gotten back by early afternoon, I simply couldn't find a way to sleep.  I don't think this is part of that problem, but I think I am having lower blood oxygen.  And water buildup, so I am back to three water pills a day again.  I don't know what the problem(s) is (are).  I am not quite able to control my sleep cycles yet.  That part isn't new.  I will keep trying.

I received a call, from someone claiming to be Verizon.  Saying my phone was being shut off due to verification purposes.  No way I was calling the number back.  I called several people, got through to one.  Left a message for another.  I texted a third, but that went strange.  Not sure it went through.  I'll see about contacting Verizon tomorrow.  It might be a crank, or it might be that my number has actually been hacked, wouldn't be the first time, and here locally.

Well.  I can't quite go to bed yet.  A bit of soup and either a movie or... I don't know.  Good night either way.  I won't post again.

No real chance.

.
.
I heard the alarms at 3:00 and 5:00, snoozing away the morning.  I could not wake.  Oddly it was still a pleasant morning.  I don't know when I woke, if it was still dark and so cold.  So dark, so cold.  It rained all night, if memory serves and it wasn't dreaming.  The girls were wonderful.  Mostly.

I dreamed of after death.  Just the few moments God seems to give us to make sense of things.  Pleasant moments, especially if you are right with God.  There is a bit of sadness, even a touch of fear.  As... life, death, and what has become now, along with whatever the grace of faith becomes, a comfort sets in.

People are waiting.  Some, many, most, I have never met... relatives from all the way back.  Also friends and relatives who died before me.  Enemies too, I believe.  I don't recall dreaming beyond that.  I remember going somewhere, I suspect it was purgatory.  This time seemed different.  Better.

It has brought tears.  I didn't want to... wake?  I doubt if you believe, but I suspect I have decades before I get to go.  Things to do?  Perhaps just to live?  I won't begrudge the gift of this life, or it's end.  It is a suffering to see what awaits and to have to return. Spy visits to hell, if a bit unnerving, are far better.  As to not being able to return from hell?  Once.  Christ may have changed things... or some things, ones, aren't as others.  Anyway.  On the good side, such things... bolster hope, faith, charity, and more.  Like a second coat of paint, a middle layer as I go into the winter, or a hug when anger darkens a lovers face.

Ducks and girls have been tended.  I need to thaw meats, and buy bacon and avocado... plus salad makings.  I am, mostly, back to keto.  Too much artificial sweetener... can't focus in this dark, cold, and damp... which also makes fasting impossible for the nonce.  I'll keep at it.

Later.

A bit late.

.
.
Just... going to sleep... I get lost on the way.  Still, waking around 3:00 is possible, 5:00 shouldn't be bad if necessary.  Yes, I'll push for it.  I would like to improve enough to finish school.  But only if I can keep days for a year.  I would like to be able to work.  If not full time, some work.  Preferably telework, or such.

The trick might elude me.  I have been doing better, shaving, showering, brushing my teeth, taking care of the critters, very slowly getting ahead on the house.  But it is a fragile truce, disturbed easily.  I am so tired, as well, most of the time.  Still, much better.  Truth be told, when I feel better, as when I feel much worse, I worry.  I have absolutely been dead at least three times.  Right as death hits, pain(s) ease, and I become sure I will make it.  Even the chill becomes more tolerable... fading into the background.  Oh, I do know that place, that path.

So dark.

.
.
Not yet 15:00.  Dark as mentioned.  An occasional breeze, perhaps stronger, wind.  Not quite to a gust.  But the thermometer read 58°.  I didn't want to waste that.  So I opened crossways windows and doors.  I need fresh air in here.  I'll burn a bit of fuel to get it.  Just an hour.  If it gets to 64° ~ 66° and sunny for more of the day, I'll shut it all down and let the air flow.  I always worry that I smell like I own too many cats.  Next month I am going to try an automatic cat litter system.  If I like it, and the cats use it, I'll end up buying two.  I just can't always keep up.  It doesn't matter what kind of litter.

I called my mother.  I've caught her napping twice, the last two times I called.  All good.  She sounded better.  Still tired, if some of that was the nap, and similar weather.
-------

Oh, a visit.  No one can help with the call.  I expected not.  I need to drum up a recorder of some sort.  Or take notes?  Recording phone calls doesn't work the best.  The device almost has to be built for it.  There shouldn't be a legal issue if I ask ahead of time.  I really would like to record as well as taking notes.  Perhaps there is an app for that?

The temp got up to 60°.  It is nearly 16:00.  I should be able to get to bed early tonight.  Night meds already down.  Windows and doors closed up.  I should shut the furnace down, clean the litter, and see about a second feeding and or watering for the ducks and girls.  Then chill until I crash.  Doing what I can.  Good night.

Yea, well, no.

.
.
At least this time the dealer took the time to explain it.  Showing me the numbers they could offer, trying to help, giving some options.  Apparently it is my credit.  The tiff with the mortgage company didn't help.  And occasional late and very late payments on various things didn't help.

The only real option is an older used car.  I fear used cars like the plague.  I don't see it. Though maybe, if at least the fundamental mechanics could get covered with a warranty, miles are low enough.  Still I just don't see it.  They advised getting a cosigner.  I have two non-options.  One has no credit anyway, one has super credit, but we aren't that kind of family.  It was something to do.  It was a little dream for a bit.

I could afford their no-down offer, but it would be three fifths the buy price with nothing to show.  Plus insurance.  Just can't... see it.  Cash just doesn't buy credit.  The difference between can pay and the willingness to afford is vast.  I will watch my p's and q's, then try again in two or three years.

The cats and ducks were fed and watered.  It's too cool to air the house out, and dark.  Spring is just around the bend.  Sam is in some sort of hissy mood, toward the younger one.  Hmm, I may have forgotten to turn the heat up.  Sassy may be trying to snuggle.  I'll turn the heat up.

I never really got a chance to wake.  I'll do that now.  Later.

Late, late, late.

.
.
To bed late to start.  I wasn't home until nearly 21:00.  Anything after the dealership?  I don't think so, but it was such a long dreary day I can't be certain.  Past 21:00?  It was a bit after midnight before I could sleep.  With things to do, I reset the alarm to more practical hours, to ensure wakefulness.  I reset them back to 3:00 and 5:00 when I woke.  I am going to push that.

A shower first.  No need to shave.  I had thought things had changed since the Navy.  Not so much.  Shaving every other day is excessive, every third or fourth day and I  would usually pass most inspections, unless a marine gunny pulled inspection if that was more just to be a prick.  Fair enough, we took our shots when we got them.

I best feed everyone.  The tribes are getting restless.  I didn't feed and water the ducks last night, the second time.  That is a gift, not absolutely necessary, so no worry.  Teeth brushed, oh, best take meds.  It's been three weeks, more, I think, of perfect attention? I thought I had missed several doses, but after checking it was never the case.  I have started taking my medication earlier in the afternoon, that leads to sleepyhead confusion as I crash.

I best get going.  Later.

A few more things.

.
.
A call to ssa.  To check about what to bring for a visit Friday.  No visit, not a walk-in, he advised.  An appointment, either over the phone or at the office.  I figured two things... an in-office appointment would take longer and possibly involve a strip search (possibly seriously), but also no one could go with.  A phone appointment, quicker or not, would give me some chance of having a witness.  The appointment is much faster than I would have suspected.

I told them that neither people trying to help me, nor myself, were able to use their online "access".  They know.  They won't admit it, but they don't have a functional face on the web.  It is amazing that they try to get people to make the attempt, knowing we can't get in.  I would also have doubts about security, as with zerocare.  Fail.  Anyway, I guess that will, maybe, begin.  Yes, I have the records showing they "paid me" in full last year.

I also decided to shop for a car again.  I have doubts.  Costs, availability, other things.  Stick, lease, $150ish a month.  Not much else to discus.  Either it works or not.  Oh, and I sure liked the looks of some of their trucks.  If the car works out, perhaps, in time, a truck.  We will see.  I may put up my Xterra... alternate vehicles... depending on final costs and insurance.  If it works.  At least I don't pay taxes... mostly.  A fee to... get out of tax jail?  It won't change over what I am already paying, though I think I have to buy the tags, a one time thing.

No exact vehicle on their lot.  I drove automatic versions of two options.  I think both would work.  It was too late, the dealers that had the vehicles were down.  Hmm, I wonder about shaving a nickel by driving to pick it up, if it's within a thousand miles?  I'd have to take someone with, and compare delivery to travel costs.  An adventure!  Getting way ahead of myself.  I still doubt... anything, everything.  I definitely know how to walk if it doesn't work.  I am supposed to visit soon.

My brother didn't return the call.  I didn't expect it.  I don't expect it.  Next time I call I will ask if he prefers me not to call.  I am not sure he will be honest, but I'll hear it.  Yea.

I best get to bed.  Good night.