A terrible few days.

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I tried Saturday and Sunday to gather trash, in order to get it out and then to the curb. I could not.  Sampson after his haircut.  I have some time yet today.  I... can't.  The weight I feel on me, crushing me.  I am only awake because, for the first day in weeks, the sun is out full force.

I am either too hot or too cold, always, lately.  I had windows open and a fan going last night, after suffering frequent overheating while sleeping.  The heat from the sun that poured in this morning was horrendous, and the light.  Fine, I surrendered.  No matter how bad I felt, I couldn't sneak past that and back to sleep.  If I absolutely have to sleep in the day, it looks like the closet, with ac.

While waking, I remembered embarrassing bad deeds.  It was not intended, this aspect of it.  Not all we do is meant to be noticed, even if thought alone, that isn't always the case.  Too long ago to do a curative.  And, actually, awareness came too late to have apologized.  At least I know shame, even nearly forty years later.  Technically not a sin?  I am claiming it, if not enumerated as such.

Actually, though, while a terrible feeling, a gift.  I spent the rotten hour waking praying, and weeping before God.  In gratitude... that I may know shame, that I didn't continue along that path, that none were hurt worse... that I may yet seek forgiveness if only vicariously through God.  There is something about shame that makes physical pain easier to bear.  It doesn't remove it.  I am still stricken.  I suppose it acts as penance?  It's definitely in that ballpark.  Not enough to get the trash out, but...

Funny that.  After trying to believe I was a good guy, to coming full circle to being grateful to face pieces of my dark truths.  Who'd a thunk it.

Oh, well, good morning.

Her, me, neither, both?

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Real, living, dead...

One, the other, perhaps both.

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It would appear she, or a proxy, suggests things.  So real to one I once knew.

One never can be certain.

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Could be her, a standin, or random.  Still, seems to fit?

America First Credit and Comcast

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Both companies are trying to pull money from my account before I receive income, and at the end of my pay period when I have no money.  My bank, the bank of Utah, told me, initially, that was between me and them, indirectly.  I called them and told them I am their customer and I have this arranged as is.  I expect them to uphold the agreement.

I was told all they can do is reject the payment, which might break autopay.  Fine, I said.  It has been the last two months with Comcast.  It was taken care of, with the bank, who ate overdraft charges this time.  I have been unable to contact Comcast since then.  My system can't use their online service and their phone system isn't getting through.

I just received email notification from AFC.  I made it quite clear that trying to steal money early, that isn't there, will be rejected by my bank.  They are just trying to create overage fees and other such to pad their wallets.  I won't let them.  I may have to find a different Internet service and return the car.  Play nice or lose hard.

Up very late.

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It was possible to wake at eight.  Mentally.  I woke, and was ready of mind.  But my body hurt, pretty much everywhere.  I have muscle knots akin to charlie horses where shoulder and arm muscles knit.  Both arms.  Not as severe, but perpetual.  Had them for two days now.  All other muscle groups are a quarter excessively stressed, right to ligaments and bones.  Another quarter are stressed enough to be tired all the time.

No, I decided to sleep in.  I woke at ten, noon, then thirteen hundred.  I don't know that it helped, but it didn't hurt.  Up at thirteen hundred.

While the weekend, I wanted to finish efforts for the week.  Plus, it looked like easy work, quick.  Not so much.  I ended up needing three boxes, two for keepers, one for toss.  Then to fill them.  Not bad, if doing it correctly took time.  Then, with everything neatly stacked, I started clearing parts of the now more open floor, in sections, to vacuum.

That is what killed.  Three sections, cords, to a cot, to a fully loaded pack, here to there to over there, and twice for most of it.  Then zoom-zoom.  Vacuuming is a chore, especially with this brute machine.  Every third, I had to move or replace a ton of items.  But, all of the open floor has been well vacuumed, bigger items picked up beforehand, and now everything put back in a, probably, final placement.

It only took a few hours.  Two and smaller change.  It wasn't the time that surprised me, or the most. It was the work involved.  It was a lot more than I had calculated.  Okies.  All good.  It is done, it is the weekend, I am going to relax a bit.  Feeding the ducks, cats, and myself, etc., hoping to shower each day.  And collecting and removing trash is my weekend goal.  And sleeping as needed and wanted between those things.

To be ready for a new start Monday morning.  I have one box of keepers I would like to rebox, then tear down and remove the broken boxes up there.  Then start sorting boxes downstairs.  Locating empties and tearing them down as that group gets to a certain size.  As well, shredding old mail.  Finally, continue storing items.

None of that will be straightforward.  There will be a ton of tweener work.  As a fact, there will be twice as much work between those tasks than those tasks themselves.  It will be a serious load.  As well, I am hoping to clear a place to begin air drying masses of dishes, and start in on those.  Just a few rooms, and just that part, will take two weeks, at least.  If more will be done in the doing.

I gave up on a dishwasher after the feds nixed quality for the environment.  Perhaps the virus will reverse some of that.  At this point, I will stick with hand washing.  Though, on my new diet, I use a lot fewer items requiring washing.  Utensils, roasting items once or twice a week (unless grilling), tea half gallon and quart jars which are only occasionally hit.  Still, good cleaning solutions and reasonable washers would be worth a shot.  Just no reason to pay a premium for inferior quality washing.  Once I get much of this washed, I may box some of it.  Later.

Her.

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She frightens me.

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Sometimes.  Terrifies.  I'm not afraid of death, or pain.  Her?  Yes.

Up early, at it fast.

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Not at it hard, or heavy, just fast and early.  I dug through the pile.  Only five boxes to sort?  Right.  And two of them didn't need sorting.  One was done, the other was a keeper.  The majority of the task was taking apart the pile of empties and stacking the empties in a new better place.  After that, I did some general straightening.

Not a lot of work.  Not heavy work.  But it was early and is consistent.  And my heart really hurts.  I don't know if that is a warning, or just an aspect of the illness.  This is the longest I have pushed past it.  I have worked for longer periods, but I didn't have this particular pain.  Usually I close up shop when it presents, if after a project is complete... a day or three.  Working through it this time.  Called to work.

I found a box of Playboys, some of them unopened.  I didn't open them.  NYPD, nude... Downtown Julie Brown of once MTV fame, some other famous... infamous... ones.  Must have been holdovers from a very long time ago.  Going in the trash.  Someone wondered about porn, and why.  It is the fantasy of sex without risk... of disease, babies, a debt, a guilty conscience of a specific sort or set of sorts.  It's just as wooden and dead as any other set of wrong turns.  Didn't even open one.  If I must see a nude, it will be in the flesh.  With a ring on her finger.  Definitely a thought.

So, finally, all boxes have been sorted.  I didn't find a box for the bits left over from yesterday.  A very little job for tomorrow.  I wasn't up to messing with the cot.  But a few small things were put in order or place.  It has been a good week.  And it isn't quite finished.  The vacuum will go up soon.  I'd like to powder the carpet first, with some freshener.  I wonder if baking soda works?

I do need a few days of rest.  Thus weekends!  Oh, eating three salads every two days, and one to two fatted drinks, plus the work, over the last two weeks, I have... gained fifteen to twenty pounds?  Yes.  I have actually pushed water out with the work and diet.  At first I almost wanted to cry.  Then I measured my arms.  I did that when starting in.  An inch and change... around half... larger.  Enough to cover the weight gain?  Enough that I won't worry about it for now.  Now I believe, more anyway, my memory of getting stretchmarks from working out when I really hit it.  I don't need 'roids, if there is a size limit far less than strength limit.

I am beat.  I don't want to be awake.  I don't want to do anything else.  I want to go back to bed.  I didn't want to do what I did. It was a horrible struggle just to wake, rise.  In two hours, if still wanted and I am able to sleep, a nap.  Or sooner.  Later.

Running low.

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Coffee.  I went to instant a while ago.  Much easier to store, use.  I have a month, maybe two, left.  Before I remembered to check, it doubled in price.  While... considering, in a day or two, it simply became unavailable.  I have rationed to one shot of the stuff a day.  When I get to the last jar, I will cut it to every other day.

I have enough tea to last four to six months?  Hard to tell.  Bits and parts of my plans fall.  I will just go without as I run out.  I won't chase excessively priced items.  As with steak, and most meats, I have backed off... rare treats, very rare.  Perhaps it might yet be available, or become available again.  I have my doubts.

I can't be sure how long shortages will exist.  In part that depends on how many people die.  Though some of it is based on what remains of global markets, globalization, and the value of the dollar.  None of those are looking good.  The dollar has the best hope.  But fiat based on debt is death to the economy sooner or later.  And, truly, we aren't later, we are laterer.

Going without, one way or another, is the future.  Down to a salad or two, a portion of packaged meat, a fatted coffee, and a fatted tea per day.  I have a few packs of pasta left, but that isn't good for me, and there isn't much left.  I wonder if that is still available at the stores?

Just... realizing what all is happening.  Oh, and I am freezing.  It isn't that cold.  Couldn't get very warm last night either.  All good.  I'll make it through.  Later.

Losing the day.

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Slower than I had been.  An hour every other day.  In part the darkness of late, in part a difficulty getting to bed early.  Insomnia is attempting a return.  I am throwing everything I have at it.  Slipping.  I'll... keep trying.  Doing miraculously well, given the, if puny to you, massive increase in my work load.  Other things, everything?, are, is, slipping?  Maybe.  But I still sense approach, as the sun slowly warning my face.

I hit it this morning.  All boxes sorted.  I have books, keepers, I need to find a small box within which to fit and store the tombs.  Utah has been very good to the books.  Still, many are going.  Then I stowed the tent, roughly.  The cot was wrestled.  I lost, to point.  But I have a crowbar, intent, and time on my side.

After finishing, and neatening, I... noticed something.  More boxes to sort.  My heart fell.  I didn't have it in me to count.  Besides, they are partially buried under a pile of empties I have created.  Not many, no more than six to eight probably.  Tomorrow.  As with the cot, I will tear the empties, sort that last group, and complete the cot.

After?  Figuring how to get rid of the boxes up there, the toss boxes.  Even without that, it is really improving up there.  It is an open studio, really.  Say 12' to 15', by 25' to 30', freshly carpeted, with cutouts into the area for the staircase and banister, plus a closet that is more an addition to the old chimney.  It has flagstone window platforms built into the thick stone walls, which where recently renovated with new drywall and carpeting.

It is a neat space.  Completed with window dressings and ac, it is perfect.  Cool to cold in the winter, but that is my idea of ideal.  It finally is visible and viable for three quarters of the floor, rather than a quarter of it.  Boxes, cot, and tent, and other thingsm, were sprawled.  Now to create a small office and entertainment area up there.

Ugh, but people, I hurt.  I hurt good, or hard.  It is with purpose, but it is intense.  Am I dying, again?  No, not yet.  Probably.  I will continue the treatments.  I can't let my fear of the unknown jeopardize progress, by Jobe.  Later.

Just don't get it.

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Mercy?  If it were mine to give, and it has been, there is a long line who received.

Someone keeps suggesting...

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A bird's tale.  Shut up I am told.

First things first.

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Definitely before, this morning.  Downstairs is a gravity well trap, in more ways than one.  A single but very solid session.  And, with just one more session after the last push, it looks amazing up there!  I have exactly twelve boxes to go through, if also a tent to put away properly and a cot to set back up.

I may use the cot for naps.  Or, from time to time, as a sun shield.  Even with ac, the sun is brutal, no matter what else.  I may also set my electronic piano up, up there, now.  I need a speaker for it though, and maybe new headsets?  Or get the thing fixed. Worth it, to play again.

Plans are made for more work today.  I may even check the lawn.  I don't think I have the weedwhip, if I don't I am up to that I could mow on the riding lawnmower.  Though, I think, it has been hit.  Something, this afternoon, though.  Oh, and trash collection and resetting bags in cans, maybe washing them out, those which need it.  Actually, cleaning and emptying, after filling, trash cans, would do for an afternoon exposition on home décor.  ;p

A shower, in two hours, after feeding, watering, hay and litter care for the critters.  Doing well.  But it hurts to do.  Now, almost any work, even standing for half an hour, causes me to sweat profusely.  I swear, I even go into my mind, see what work I hope or plan to do, and I begin to sweat.  It's 66° in here, a bit cooler upstairs.  I am in socks and shorts.  Burn.

Oh.  Someone thinks he is funny.

Maybe.  But he still talks funny.

On to my dailies and waking routine.  Good day.

Shower, ducks, and more.

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More is still theory, but planned.  A visitor, perhaps.  To help, and help remove broken down boxes.  I had some downstairs from downstairs, then grabbed the upstairs ones.  I tossed them down.  Not the best plan.  Had to fight my way through.  It was the equivalent of ten methhead 3rd graders.  You don't want to know how I know.

I win.
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As it turns out, a bit of the hoped work.  Boxes and trash out, deposited.  Then just a tiny bit of other work.  Called off because the Boss was called to real work.  Still, just removing cardboard was a very nice piece of work.  If I can do more, it will be folding clothes.  A basket, two, half.

Tomorrow?  I really want to hit the upstairs again, first thing.  I am getting somewhere with it, if it doesn't look it.  Just one session.  Then storage, items from front to back.  Hopefully several boxes managed.  The goal is to be done by noon, get a shower, then take a break until a bit of work in the afternoon.

Dinner, shortly.  A fatted tea and salad.  Cheese, chicken, and?  Dressing, of course.  Hmm, I should get fixings for vinaigrette.  I truly love a homemade italian dressing.  Mint this time, thyme and cracked pepper or a full Italian medley next.  I even put in mystery herbs or spices for that exquisite touch none can name.  I should create a very small list for the store, for once a month runs.  Just the little things.  I am trying to run a much more humble show from now on.

Not bad.  While delayed, with what has been done today, I am almost at Wednesday of last week, and I only worked to Thursday.  Cheers.  And later.

Nothing.

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Since Friday.

Until today.  I meant to do a single session.  I ended up doing three.  I wanted to stop.  My body was screaming to stop.  I was overheating badly.  But no.  It... was pride.  I kept looking for a spot to stop that looked better than when I started.  I finally came to the conclusion that, because of the floor plan, and how finished toss and keep (for now) stacks of boxes were being arranged, that won't be possible until I begin evicting the toss boxes.

With three sessions in, I really got through a lot.  All the partial boxes from my last session, a half a dozen more fresh, at least.  More like ten to twelve, if the extras were already mostly empty or mainly trash.  As well, I was able to break down a score of boxes, including huge ones, for my tv and lawn chairs.  I even have them arranged for fast removal.  Plus keepers and tosser boxes are not only individually neat, they are clearly and collectively neat and stored.

I did that before going downstairs, mostly.  Or absolutely?  I... can't exactly remember.  Though I think I will side with an absolute, as I had to pee like a racehorse later, when I did go down.  That is the only reason I would have gone downstairs beforehand.  Though extended work can act as a diuretic.  At least for me, after I have been down for days.

The rest of the day?  If I can, more storage trips, the ducks, folding laundry... or crashing.  It's 66° F, and I am sweating like a waterfall half an hour later.  I became desperate to find a clean endpoint the last two hours, so kicked it up in panic... until control was lost and I had to just vacate the scene.  Setting it up as well as possible before plopping into my chair.  Still, there is hope.  A shower, to be sure though.  And quackles.  Later.

Almost ready.

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A shower, teeth brushing, first thing.  Now to airdry and wake.  No, nothing yesterday.  Today is Monday, I will work this week.  In and out, mostly without burgers and fries.  Still a bit tight, sore, but ready for the next round.  I woke without the cats bugging me, or strife.  From last Monday to yesterday, almost every day was a struggle.  Usually the girls were pushing too, not this morning for whatever reason.

Breakfast, shortly.  A salad, with cheese and a packet of tuna or chicken.  I am saving the salmon packages for special occasions.  It's probably going to be my least favorite.  But, it is the most rare, the most expensive, and the most exclusive of those offerings.  I might as well play along.  I suspect that is what most people do.  Women even more than men, if to very good effect.  No complaints, without even using that humble graced tool.

I also bought Spam.  Probably my least favorite of the lot, but not horrible, reasonably edible, and inexpensive.  Just minced pork butt (shoulder).  Is the title versus actual name a testimony to pigs or butchers, I wonder?  *smile*  Don't... tell my butcher I wrote that.  *grins*  Oh, but the thing is, they have shuttered the plant that was producing that.  A lot of plants are only going to come back when automated to a much higher degree.  Not affordable in good times.  No option in certain downtimes.  A lot of, all but one highly automated plant is or will be closing.

Though wait until they realize everyone who can get it has gotten it.  Though that won't account for reuptakes, slight changes, or simply that immunity may not be possible with this.  Vaccines, for the most part, are bogus.  I do believe president.  Trump is on the right page.

He was there first, and at the right time.  Opening up isn't an option.  The stone throwers are tiered to throw stones, even if he followed their advice.  He... has proven himself to be exceptional.  Still... the wall.  His number one promise.  It will neither be completed nor enforced.  As with drugs, illegals of certain sorts are given pathways in.

Now to eat, drink, and be... happy?  ;p  Later.

Still off, sore, tired.

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Doing nothing isn't helping, if doing more, if even possible, would increase distress.  At least if too much were accomplished.  Keeping warm helps, but not too warm.  Lungs finally started burning yesterday, or I finally got down to were that level of pain was noticeable.  Burning today as well.  Everything hurts a bit, now, with one notable exception.  My back doesn't hurt.

A benefit of sleeping on the floor.  Is it just from sleeping on the floor, or with the addition of getting up off the floor, well and lowering down to the floor?  I can definitely tell kidney pain now.  If that is because I have fallen off meds for several days, all of it, because I have been off of both body and mind.  I'll... get it.  Today.

Medset ran out.  Meds are in.  I may pull several doses of insulin in advance, doing three days, roughly.  That helps when I crash so very hard.  I might be able to pop the slow acting stuff anyway.  It is so difficult when I am falling asleep at bedtime, while trying not to get lost in insomnia.

As well, I have been eating bad foods.  Trying to do a carb recover?  I think that is what my hindbrain had in play.  Or was it just the craving from the animal side?  It no longer works.  I can't tolerate the food well, it no longer tastes good.  And it buffs diabetes.  Not as much as I would have thought though.  Yes, back to medicine and keto today.  And some work too.

All said, I am sure I will get back to work this week.  Actually, it was a five day week, since it started on Easter Sunday.  I am hoping for a five day week, give or take, starting tomorrow.  If possible, I would like to get a minor start today.  We will see.  Gotta wake a bit first.  Oh, and aspirin!  I forgot about that stuff!  What an idjit!  Later.

Off and awful.

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Sleep came much later.  In part for the nap, in part for the pain.  It feels as if my heart were being squeezed right in my chest, like a pitcher checking his grip or for flaws.  Better this morning, should be ready by Monday.  I couldn't stand, or really think, yesterday.  I am hoping to do some very light work upstairs, and maybe just a bit else.

Beside sorting the last two boxes nearly completed before, I would like to tear down empty boxes upstairs.  As well, wash those five to ten pieces I had set to soak, and take a shower.  Shaving either yet today or tomorrow.  If I have a bit more, perhaps folding a basket or two of laundry.

Nothing fancy, it won't be fast, I may not complete all, or any, of it.  It is the plan and my intent.  I really am getting things done, if working less than ten hours a week.  Still, believe or else, that is more than I have been able to do in some time.  Falling off medicine, then getting back on it, through the dark of winter.  I am ready for summer.  Although, I would like to see about getting my systems upstairs, piping cable up there, while also keeping the downstairs available.

I am impressed with how much has been done in a single week.  It may be killing me, but if I can finish it, I would die happy.  There are better causes to die for, but no other are available.  And, I might just make it.  I simply don't mind the risk.  And I still think I will make it, probably.  I have felt worse for no reason, for longer.

Arms and shoulders are painfully but roughly loosening.  Still rather tight.  Forearms are feeling it, but better.  Even my hands hurt from gripping.  They are lesser pains, as with many others, so just becoming noticeable as the other pains diminish.  While I lose intensity of suffering, I gain volume.  Now I understand the chills recently.  Pain beyond full cognitive awareness will do that to me.

Still, pleased.  Just being able to push that far is satisfying.  To see things being done, even slowly, is absolutely fantastic.  I am reclaiming my world.  I think, in a month, I will have my home back, organized, ready.  If not, in two months.  Success, I am hoping, breeds success.  Then, perhaps, starting on the spare bathroom.

Oh, dreamed, again, as yesterday.  Chastity is difficult with such dreams.  Women... rip up even a powerful will.  A gift, they are.  And a curse.  And they damn well know it and enjoy it.  Not sure why the thoughts of them crowd when I suffer so.  A grace and a darkness, both, to be certain.

One of the most impressive naps.

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A few dreams, none remembered.  Though waking with a sense the last song might easily represent.  And a feeling I was up all night.  No, I'm in chastity mode.  If that is sorely tested often.  What happens when unconscious, literally, doesn't concern my will if that is usually abiding my will.  As far as I know.

Still stiff and sore.  My feet are still cold.  But I am less tired.  A bit less.  Some of the exhaustion is a direct mechanical result from pushing an old, mostly dead, body.  Some of that will require time to undo.  With good sleep, food, medicine, and naps thrown.

Actually, I won't catch up.  Not with shoving to get through housework and another project.  I... have... things to do.  I have marked the next few months as blotto pain, possibly to death.  I wonder if I will get used to it, assuming it isn't lethal.  Then again, my off and on years in college were sheer horror, trying to get to classes on time, be showered and dressed.  Brutal.  It never got easier through six years.  Seven?  But I wasn't on medicine, or keto... if that has slipped this last week.

I thought I had slept many, many hours.  I thought I would be waking to very late afternoon, or even Saturday afternoon.  I had to fight, what seemed like hours, to wake.  Even trying several times to wake even enough to check the time, losing all save the last.  Just a few minutes more than two hours for 'all' the sleep and 'all' the time trying to wake.

Well.  So it goes.  Later.

Very tight, hard, harsh.

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My body is tightening, as if having sparred with a focus on the torso.  My arms and chest are as tight as if i have been working out.  Actually everything from the waist up is that tight.  It isn't just a sensation, the muscles are as concrete.  Sore from it as well.  My legs are worked, but to a much milder level.

For as little actual work as I have done, it is amazing.  At one time it took working out very hard for three days during the week, every other day, to feel this terribly good.  It isn't just muscless.  My joints hurt, if in a right way.  Oh, and I have definitely burned my face.  That in spite of only working outside on fully cloudy days.

Oddly, this is causing me to get the chills.  I finally gave up and turned the furnace up to 74°.  I am still freezing.  I have wool socks and heavy pj's on.  I may have to nap.  Crawl in under the warmest set of blankets I have.  Ugh.  Yes, a couple hours down, warm.  I need it for more than warmth.  Tired too.  Very.

In spite of those things, I feel good.  I like to work to this point, and more.  I miss this.  I hope to do a bit more work later.  May not be possible.  Later.

Quite a day.

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Everything planned except moving items to storage.  But with the addition of other efforts.  Some mild outdoor efforts as well.  And a call to my mom.  I think she was pleased for the call.  She sounded tired.  An occasional afternoon thing.  Perhaps I caught her on an off moment.  Still, it was good.  I probably sounded more tired than she did.

I am ready for the weekend.  I will use it as such.  It won't be a complete end to effort, just a major reduction in work, plus naps more easily take if needed.  Perhaps a load of dishes, folding portions of laundry, and finishing the boxes that weren't finished completely, upstairs.  All on a slower clock.  I am quite worn.

Being outside is sort of brutal on me.  Still, I want that.  If I can get going, early, perhaps hiking... very short easy runs, might be in the works.  Hmm, may see about setting up the hammock, one of them, and enjoying outdoor naps?  Perhaps overnighters.  It sounds snazzy.  I'd really like to give it a shot.  That would really help acclimate me to the outdoors.

I am about to crash.  Good night and blessings.

Not much for a lot?

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As mentioned, the call.  We'll, and sharing the results.

Then I washed my salad bowl.  Then heated and ate a brot.  I'll have a salad in a bit... a two parter, probably three part meal with a fatted tea.  Another fatted drink, for supper, later.  Then I put towels in the dryer.  There isn't enough for a full load, to be washed.  Ducks and cats have been tended... food, water, more hay, and litter box clearing.

Baby, it is cold out there.  It is several degrees above freezing.  Water wasn't frozen, but with the damp air and winds, it seems colder than when it was 22°.  Still shivering from the jaunt.  I am letting the ducks try with eggs, to hatch out a batch. If nothing by mid next month, I'll dump the remnants and start collecting.

A small batch of dishes is soaking.  After a salad and fatted tea, I'll do those, then shower and maybe shave.  It really wasn't much, and yet it was quite a lot.  All so quickly.  I am very tired though.  Perhaps tea will help.  Or a nap.  Later.

A start, first thing.

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Nothing yesterday, save paperwork signed for social security.  The gent helping me will be sending that in today.  A form or instructions referenced in the two pieces we received was missing, so I need to call, request another form.  I was simply too tired.  My heart is just a bit sore/tired today.  Good enough to start in.

The first bit was going through boxes.  I didn't get through many, four or five?  But these were dense with smaller, personal, items.  And the last box will need to be rearranged back into place.  It was a bit cold.  That didn't help.  I hadn't made it downstairs yet, the furnace was still set to frigid.  That has been fixed.

Ducks and cats, fed watered, and otherwise tended.  Then a shower.  And a start on dishes and restart of laundry.  A shave, perhaps.  Then a bit of storage from the front room.  Actually, a call first.  That should be quick and painless.  Not many dishes.  I have a ton to do, but will be starting just a small batch at a time.  Only cooking once or twice a week, and with other arrangements, I should be able to catch up, then pretty much stay ahead.

A bit more work, possibly, later.  It won't be a lot.  Just small pieces and parts.  But, it might be enough, over time, to get it all done and keep ahead.  If I can keep a pace.  Ten to twenty hours a week, an hour or two per session... say an hour and an half average, over fifteen sessions, would be ten sessions a week.  Possible, usually, if on a swinging shift.

I think I can?  Later.
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Called.  Spoke with the woman who handles information packets for the court.  She doesn't know what would be missing.  I have everything I need.  So... one more thing done.  As well, I informed my helper.  Keep em' in the loop.  Doing what I can.  One thing at a time.  Oh, before I dig into dishes, I need to free up a flat surface or two.  I'm... getting there.

Another... opportunity.

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An exceedingly dark day.  Overcast.  Wet?  The vehicles driving by make it seem so, the sound of their tires.  It wasn't when I fed the ducks.  But that was several hours ago.  I am moving slow.  I have used a lot of energy, burned a bit even on a cloudy day, but am staying up on medicine and food.

I will finish laundry today, move a few boxes of stuff out of the front room, and dig back in upstairs.  At some point, I will go after empty boxes.  If I break down and remove every available empty box, I will have a quarter to a third of currently occupied floor space reclaimed.  In a week, if I keep even at this rate, it will be closer to half, or more.  Hmm, not this, but next Friday.  Though I may spend time breaking boxes down between now and then.  Not all, but a hefty start, so as not to be overwhelmed on the day.

After a session upstairs, another shower, perhaps a proper shave.  I trimmed my beard off yesterday... or the day before?  Now to clean that up.  Oh, I did try the bidet.  I am certainly hoping practice will help.  As a first impression I was not impressed.  This might not be good enough, my aim was poor (next time I will shut the shower water off, that really confused things), and I still am uncertain about this.  I have motive, the end of tp as we know it, even electricity.

Just how bad would it have to get to end tp, or more electricity thus running water?  Or, should I say, how much worse?  Same as ever... three to five days of no food, with none seemingly to arrive, or believably... enough lies from politicians leading to starvation...  Their fault, our fault, your fault, nobody's fault... won't matter.

Just how close are we?  About as close as ever, if that is far closer than most imagine.  The virus is just cover for a reset that was required one way or another.  The hope is that they get the money to those who can and will do right, not those who are destroying through their absolute greed.  To be honest, I'm not seeing good things.  Airlines to usury credit card and "lending services" companies shouldn't receive.  Companies which don't pay taxes, or employ US citizens shouldn't receive.  And companies headquartered overseas should not be eligible for one red cent.

Anyway, back to work upstairs shortly.  Just a bit more looking, then a start on the laundry, plus a few more items moved from the front room.  Yeah!  Or, maybe more a grim determination to do or die?  Defintely the latter.  Not which side I'm quite on, if mentioned, one might be the other!  :p

I did get breakfast cooked, and dinner while at it.  Later.

Work?

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Actually, yes.  Yes indeed.  It wasn't hard work but it wore me quite out.  I also got some shopping in.  The hard part was being outside.  Well, and the length of time up and out.  Even with it being mostly a darker sky, I think I burned.  Little bits and pieces.  A lot of sitting too.  And some passengering.

A good long sit when I returned, and one of the better and larger honey crisp apples I have ever had, while reviewing the world through various sources.  You know who you are.  Rest.  Needed.  I was hoping to yet work on boxes upstairs and do another load of laundry.

Oh well.  There is always... today!  Yeah, I dug through five to closer to ten boxes after starting a second load for today.  I might be through half the boxes!  Perhaps more.  I found a box with pictures, took time to review.  I... miss some people, living and not.  I never had use for photos.  Now... now I will look for more.  And cards and letters.

A very good day.  So tired my heart hurts.  Satisfied even so.  A slower easier day tomorrow.  Boxes upstairs, a bit more in the front room, perhaps another load of laundry.  I won't finish the upstairs this week, but next almost certainly.  The front room will take longer.  As I finish a room, I open another room.  I always have two rooms active.  I think I can.

The call sounded real.  Am I just cleaning my coffin or am I preparing for an honored guest.  What will the path be after such a visit?  A bit of fear, if excitement, curiosity.  Death isn't a fear.  One of the two most likely paths after, if the fear isn't for me.  If angels yet on high have come to love man, are sentient, wise, and true, imagine the woe of the angel of death at his task.

Anyway, it continues.  Good day and night.

Some, yesterday.

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Three trips, with two or three heavier boxes each, to various storage areas.  The worst was the trips upstairs.  A load of laundry as well.  So weak, these days.  That is life now, and will never improve.  But, for now, a few boxes, a few chores, perhaps lending a rare hand.

My clock is slipping.  Putting all I can into waking regularly and strongly, I have been slipping about an hour a day.  I fight it, even leave the shade cracked so the sun is in my face first thing.  Actually, given the work I am doing, it is pretty good.  I could be losing two to six hours, or just trip and stumble through days, weeks, months, or tie the year I mostly slept.

A load of laundry in, ducks and cats fed, breakfast about ready.  It's 20° ish out there!  That was a surprise.  Glad I didn't leave a window open.  I had been thinking about it.  The ice wasn't thick on the duck's water, or the trough soaking.  The ducks might have stirred their water but couldn't have gotten to the other container, so the freeze must have been short.

Upstairs this morning, after breakfast.  Then gathering and putting out trash.  If I can't do what is exactly planned, I try to do something roughly equivalent.  It isn't perfect, but I really do feel some compulsion.  A bit of urgency I haven't felt in some time, actually, in this way, I have never felt.  I need to be ready, even if just to go.  Who knows, perhaps preparation is the path.

After upstairs, a shower.  Oh, and a bidet trial.  No details, just a pass or fail notification.  At least initial.  You know how first times can be.  While you don't remember your first time trying to tie your shoes, you can probably imagine.  Well, now imagine tying your butt!  :p  I admit to the presence of powerful fear, trepidation, caution, and no small amount of curiosity.

You know, I was in France long ago.  Knowing me, especially then, if I knew of that, and had opportunity, I would have tried it.  Opportunity might have not been there, or I may not have known... or I did try it.  I simply don't recall.  I guess I'll have to create fresh memories.  Yes, I am afraid, very afraid.

Best get breakfast and medicine, then on to it.  May God help you design your day.

Rather ill.

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I thought blood sugar had collapsed.  That is how this feels.  It was 249 fasting.  At 144 shortly after a meal and medium dose, and 107 now, that isn't it.  It has been dropping very easily, so I am watching it.  I do wonder if it might be the speed of the drop, the numbers over time.  Too much, too quickly, and even if the numbers are technically good, the combination leaves me in a similar disrepair?  It sure feels like a diabetic drop problem.  I am going to take a glucose tab and a nap.

It is only that high because I had to munch carb pills yesterday... and got carried away. Addictive, they are.

Just a bit done.  Three boxes moved, laundry through to the dryer, and another load dry set in the washer.  Feeling this rough, I didn't want to force that schedule.  I am still hoping to get a shift or two more work in.  I have had two.  Heavier but shorter.  It counts, but I want more... Father.

The manual bidet arrived.  I've... read the instructions... looked it over... kept an eye on it.  It's been eyeing me back.  Worse than a cat.  What it wants to do... I'm not sure it's right.  And, how do you learn?  Ah, I DID figure that out.  Practice in the shower!  When the angle, pressure, and all is good, then try it on the toilet.  More, I still have and will keep, tp.  To dry if nothing else.  Uhrm, assuming I don't just learn it then save it for even worse times.  Still a bit spooked by the process, endeavor, educational opportunity...  At least I have a plan.
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Someone, musically, suggested a week.  Someone is coming, Someone else.  A week?  Metaphorically, probably, but sooner than I expected.  Soon in real terms... weeks or a few months.  That was the call.  That is the reason I feel compelled to work.  I don't deserve such.  I didn't expect such.  Not my call.  So I prepare.  He could be stopping in to release me, one way or another.  Or just to visit.  Yes, it all is possible.  Time isn't what it seems.  He does as is right, exactly.

Delusional?  One best hope, but I wouldn't count on it against someone who does a nine by nine sudoku in 5 seconds.  Cautious with some bets.
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Well?  I suppose.  A pill and nap.  Phone near to.  Be well, and blessings.

Later, but still on it.

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Well, a shower and else first, too.  I did wake roughly at six, having gone to bed a bit after twenty hundred.  But it took nearly an hour to rise.  For some reason, on medicine, my feet and ankles  started swelling, so I took an extra dose of water pills.  Which... kept me waking to drain.  Which is part of the problem waking.  I rarely have to wake to go now that I am back on meds.  That does degrade sleep quality by a lot.

Extra water pills this morning and probably tomorrow.  Early, right off so it will work before bedtime.  I don't understand the water retention.  No extra salt, and I have been more active, which usually helps rid fluid.  No matter, I have the tech, need, and currently the will and way of mind and body to manage.  Still, I'd like to solve this.  Tuna, and other meat, packs?  Not at 2.7 ounces every other day.

Oh, as to popcorn?  I had been using a silicone microwave device.  I decided plastic is plastic, so ordered a glass one.  Real glass?  Who knows, these days.  But... I at least feel better about it.  Once or twice a week is enough use to warrant concern.  I don't add fats, save as a warmed topping. I just think fats, at that sort of heat and pressure, even if good to start (ghee or raw coconut oil) will go bad somehow.  That is HOW they make bad fats.  Melting is fine, in with popping popcorn not so much.

Oh, yes.  I did more work yesterday afternoon.  It looks worse for it.  I wore before I could get it to a prettier stop state.  Incentive, I suppose.  And, after waking a bit, I will work upstairs again, later getting more down here.  But!  I did run a load through the washer and dryer, set another load to be run today, and set up a third load for today or tomorrow.

As well, I moved some things out of the front room, to proper storage.  I will do a bit more of that today.  Hey, two boxes, or three, is infinitely more than none... if... you're a special sort of "science" nerd... but... it is a lot more, especially cumulatively over days, weeks, months...  Yes, not great but not bad.

I have other plans as well.  I need to check in.  Life... is hard.  Find the good in it.

Woke to a call.

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No idea... about anything.  I woke at 6:00, give or take... some unremembered period of time after.  Unaware of almost all else, still hurting from efforts last week, a blank of mind otherwise.  But... a calling.  Work.  I felt compelled to begin going through boxes upstairs.  And, so, through boxes I went!

I have cleared an eighth of the floor, if that isn't quite as much as it seems.  Though it is more than it appears given there are several stacks of empty boxes and boxes full of trash loot just waiting to be removed.  I would guess a week of such work will see that done to the point of just waiting on trash and empty box removal.  As to the keeper stuff?  I'll... figure that out then.  But figure it sooner rather than later.

Two hours, give or take, of mild work.  Sitting, mostly, sorting.  Some heavy lifting.  Enough, altogether, to weary me.  Downstairs, tea set, a pee left, the timer set for two hours to feed, water, and otherwise tend the ladies and gent.  A cold tea to start, meds, and... a wonderful dawning awareness.  A holy day.

THE Holy day.

So strange.  I am so alone and isolated, of mind and flesh, I wasn't aware.  Actually, I could be wrong.  I have no way of knowing.  I will look, make sure, soon.  Odd, if so, to be called, out of sleep, to work, barely able to think, on the holiest of days.  Omen?  Gift?  I was called to begin working mornings upstairs, then similarly downstairs in the afternoons.  Clear as a bell.  To work until the pain is too much or concentration evaporates.  Perhaps two hours, per session, give or take... if this morning was a template.

Perhaps I will be able to do more as I get fit?  Or will I just wind down, have to skip days, as I use up energy I can't replace quickly enough... as has been my history?  All I can do is heed the call.  I am hoping to hit it again between noon and one.  Just clearing the mess around me and going from there.

If I get half or more ready to go, I'll call in a dumpster, if no earlier than next month.

God certainly works in mysterious ways.  Prayer and a rosary later today.  Amen.

Hmm?

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Hmm...

A bit of work.

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A couple days in a row, actually.  Not much work, more being out, if doing more than usual.  Today I was tired and a bit sore.  I might have done more, I... am never sure if my efforts are...  Well.  Besides, I was worn.  A day of rest was good.  Just being out in the elements tests me.  The sun is potent and strengthening quickly.

Days and nights were straightening, until I pushed a bit too much.  I might be able to tip things back, not sure.  Back on medicine well, for the last three weeks, if a short stumble regarding insulin as I thought, mistakenly, I was running out.  Yea, mistakes happen when stressed, even incorrectly.  Back on it for a week, doing better again.

I'm still pretty tired.  May tinker just a bit, then go back to bed... try to do days.  Try, try, again.  What  else is left to the dying?  It will take a while longer to normalize on medicine.  It's pretty powerful stuff.  I am surprised it isn't lethal itself.  Then again, maybe it is, just extending the other options?  Later.

A few other updates and ideas.

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While officially taking dedicated time to be solitary, mostly, and attempting to live more simply, I am trying to solve issues, some which haven't arisen yet.  Though I realize without tech, without electricity, running water, and a few other things, life simply won't work well.  But how did they used to do it?

They worked like slaves in sustenance efforts, devoting most of their time to scraping just enough to live, and starved when that wasn't possible.  Cannibalism was a later resolve.  And dying like flies was very common.  So far, in this event, so good.  But, here or there, three to ten days without food and you will see what I suggested about the FBI agent who tried to save the lamb.  Ripped to pieces.

Me?  I have gone weeks, even months, without food.  If often, then, I slept through it, at least the longer runs.  I do know that after a week or two the actual hunger goes, at least for me.  But something else, far more terrible, arrives... psychological hunger.  From that a slow approach towards madness.  None are immune, for beyond there be dragons.  Another form of... us.  Even if I am different, having flesh puts us all in the same boat on this and other issues.

Still, barring a complete collapse, there are options.  A few simple games... jacks (pick up) and marbles.  Silly, but fun, simple.  As well, I ordered a lot of popcorn.  No, not to eat while watching the world burn.  I don't have that luxury in any case, nor desire.  It is because popcorn is an easy way to add fats, for keto.  And salt... need more on keto.  As well, I ordered a small grouping of shelfstable fats, several jars of coconut fat and similar amounts of ghee.

Further, I have been using those foods and together.  I need a lot less of those fats than regular butter and they taste quite good.  I was hesitant about the coconut lard.  But it is quite good.  I went with raw, so yes it tastes of coconut.  But on the popcorn, with salt, that is lost in the background.  A few times a week, a big bowl of that serves as a meal.  Actually, no insulin spike, or nothing like what I feared.

I have had one failure... cheese powder.  It... isn't terrible.  It just isn't worth adding.  I have tried it in popcorn and a few other things.  I just don't taste cheese.  It is supposed to be cheddar.  It reminds me of edible yeast additive, but has none of the natural goodness that the yeast (in theory) provides.  Still, I will explore other ways to make it work, at least using it up.  Waste not, want not.

So, while sitting on my (if broken) thumbs, I haven't just quit.  It takes more than I have just to live, but I still attempt to do more than just survive.  I try to thrive.  And, in some ways, I do.  In very small ways, sometimes only by creating possibilities I can't actually realize.  Just knowing the possibilities have physical backing toward their fulfillment is... comforting.  Later.

As I live and breath.

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I am still in bad shape.  Winter is becoming spring nicely, slowly.  But the sun has stayed hidden.  I fear the heat it will bring, but a touch here and there would be helpful.  It is warning out there.  It was 35° Just a bit after three of the dark.  But it's a warmer 35°?  Yes.  I was looking for Sam.  Silly girl wouldn't come in after I fed the ducks, then somehow got stuck in the garage... strangely one of her absolutely favorite places in the whole world.

I was so afraid I was going to find naught but a frozen fluffy icecube.  She wasn't even cold to the touch, if the garage was five to more like ten degrees warmer than the outside.  Silly girl, but none the worse for any wear.  Fed, petted and massaged, now off to razz Sassy?  Who knows with that woman.

The small meat packs, with salad, sometimes cheese, one of several dressings, and any number of other additives (think olives, capers, etc, and singly or in pairs or groups) make for an excellent meal.  Keeping up on lettuce is the trick.  And, yes, after various experiments, romaine is much better than iceberg.  The roughage is significant for r, nonexistent for the iceberg.  And, yes, that is worth the difference.

Eggs, boiled, diced... yeah.  Almost anything, hot or cold, might add to a salad.  Between that, a fatted coffee and tea per day, and unsweetened tea, I have been eating very rightly.  A potato meal twice a week... if next time, I will try it raw, diced, on a salad.  It was the only anti-starch food that worked.

I helped the neighbors, in thought more than else.  Think... well-wishing pet rock.  And, perhaps again to day.  I mostly watch, sit.  In really bad shape.  Winter to wet cold spring, medicine restarted, illness, age.  It's not ever going to get better.  So much so, if I get the china virus I will just fight it from home.  I have gotten more medical, good and bad, than any man deserves.  I'll leave it for others.  And, yes, I... know.  On the other hand, you won't see me out on spring break.  Pretty much everyone I know, save at the store, are in isolation too.

Ugh.  I'll keep trying.  Be well and blessings.  Later.

Well, that is interesting.

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After posting from my phone, they opened tools and access back up on my main system.  I had figured out how to post vids as well.  Yea.  Interesting.  Spell check remains gone, but it wasn't very good anyway.  Interesting, very interesting.  Later.

Trying a new way.

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Well, there is the phone.  I wasn't sure if a) it would work or b) it was doable, tolerable.  I finally recovered enough from the battering from the fight dreams to check.  The jury is still out.  First time doing this.  As well, figuring how to add youtube vids... no reason to blog without that.

Blogger is dead.

Formatting, and most tools, are gone. Yes, the last post, and this one, was in paragraphs etc. It simply doesn't display as such.

It hurts exquisitely.

. . The last three 'mornings' I woke feeling as if my sides had been staved. First the left, then the right, and this morning both. I was actually beginning to wonder if I was being attacked while asleep. This morning, long before actually waking up, I woke when the pain started. I am sure of it. It had nothing to do with physical attacks. I think it was after a dream I don't remember. All but... no, definitely positive. Brutal. I have been trying to wake since then. Since 9:30. It's 17:14 as I write this. I just woke. It looks like blogger is dying. First they got rid of spellchecker a while ago. Now almost all tools are gone. As well, the new format makes editing very difficult, as it goes off both sides of the page. I suppose blogger is just for old people, and with us dying, it doesn't matter. Especially with China having such dominance over google while many of us know where this virus came from, remember Tiannonman Square and Vietnam, and know what China is. I am not sure how long it will be available for use. I called my mother first thing. Just a quick check. They are mostly staying in. She had some advice for me, I for her. She is washing too often. Gloves or greater prudence... both. They should not be telling civilians to wash every twenty. Probably not medical either. It will create open sore very quickly. My mother thought of hand lotion, which I suggested to help heal. But lotion holds viruses. So, washing so much that you need lotion is a double down bad. I don't think she will listen. Until people-hating news tells her otherwise, or the skin is gone from her hands, she will obey. I... tried. Learned from hard experience. I do have non-alcohol hand sanitizer, but that is more for if water stops. It's not much better than alcohol sanitizer, may be worse than soap and water. I will be checking my temp, every few days and if I feel rough. That was her advice. Later.

Rain, tired, trying.

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I had hoped to make more calls, do a few things of actual work, and more.  Nothing much is happening.  I did call about medicine, finally.  It is scheduled to be out the middle of next month.  That is tight.  A few days of delay beyond schedule and I am out.  That is part of why I fear medicine.

As medicine dwindles, and if capacity is limited, I begin missing doses.  It is one way to keep in stock.  It doesn't work as well with insulin because once the vial is open, the freshness timer starts.  So, if I Don't delay opening the vial, there is no good gained, to a degree.  I may still have insulin, but it really can become weaker, by a lot.  I am not sure of the longevity of sealed insulin.  It says more than a year, if doctors suggest less.  Something to investigate.

Hmm... perhaps skipping the first month, the next few orders, in order to have a bit of an emergency supply?  I can't afford the insulin, so just buying that is not an option.  The rest... maybe... but not this or next month.  Ugh.

So very tired.  I am sleeping twelve or more hours a shift.  Awake maybe eight to twelve, maximum.  It's been four to five hours and I am about to crash again.  I tried collecting thoughts, in order to make a few calls.  I tried gaming, as stimulus.  I had a fatted coffee and tea, back to back, in the hopes of chemical stimulus.  Nothing doing.

I will tend the ducks and girls shortly.  Then crash again.  Dark.  Outside.  Plus, I dreamed of another fight.  Much smaller, fewer and weaker opponents.  Not remnants, cleaning out what were on the way but not there the last time.  Easy, but a chore if tired.  Ugh.  It just extended exhaustion.  I may not be done there.

Well, neighbor man got the ducks.  Sterling qualifies require silver just deserts.  Plus eggs, as, if, he wants or needs.  Still, just feeding the ladies will be a push.  If I don't crash first.  Later.  A little or a lot.  Be well.

So much to be accounted.

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I try to keep basic items stocked.  If I could do two years on everything, I would.  First, I don't know what that much looks like.  Second, there are so many varied items and I am just one broken down, barely functioning, guy.  From toothpaste to toilet paper and floss, then to foods.  The problem with foods is low carb foods, meats and dairy for my system, aren't as easy to store.  You can, but degradation is relatively fast and hard.

There is cheese and sausage and salami.  But those are dated too, and require skill, tools, and a lot of work.  As well, not even I see those as much more than relishes.  They require to much salt to be practical meal replacements.  Much as any packaged foods, only with better general other ingredients.

So, I am into more carby foods.  I'm a bit nervous about going out.  The stores are always packed, from my tests lately.  I have heard they are closing at night to restock.  Good for restockers, practical, but it means no quiet times to shop.  If you have a bad heart, swimming through aisles with thoughtless careless hordes isn't wise.

I am out of cat litter.  I need burger.  And more lettuce, to cut carbs, would be good.  I will check, several times, several stores, through the next few days.  Just... a few packs, bags... enough for a week to month, with what else I have.  Less than usual if more than usual for other people.  Ugh.  I've already been sideways accused of hording.  In Utah!  Oh well.

Later.

Had to chuckle.

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Sometimes I receive things I assume to be advise.  Some have figured out how to send vids?  Or it just works that way?  This one caused a roar of humor.

Not much help.

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So very tired.  I didn't even get a shower taken or teeth brushed.  I did help in very minor ways.  Still, the mower deck is on.  The blade and chains are off and stowed, and vehicles are in their proper places.  Ducks and cats were fed, if litter needs changed and more bought.  Well, and a second official meal for the girls.  Plenty of food, little litter.  Oh, and duck feed is needed.  Blah.

I had hoped to work today, in the house.  Isn't possible after what little I did.  Might not have been possible anyway.  So very tired.  I tried to do some gaming.  I wasn't able to do that.  I'll look over the news, what of it I can trust.  Then go on to bed shortly.  I asked if someone could feed the ducks, so I can try to work on the house this week.  No news so far.  I understand, if not.

Good night.

Quite a sleep.

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Shortly after trash went out and the post was published, perhaps at 8:30 (timestamps can be meaningless), I went down.  I was so tired, but woke, gently, every few hours.  I think I heard the garbage truck go by, picking up my refuse, at around 10:00.  Sassy wanted to sleep with me.  So I let her.  Sam wanted attention.  Nope.  I was too disastrously tired.  But she left well enough alone, several times, even leaving Sassy alone.

I kept hearing the phone.  Only two texts.  The first looked like a phony requested text back, thanking me for a recent purchase.  The other from a neighboring man, asking about switching the plow over to the mower on the lawn tractor.  I am hoping to do that solo, or some day.  Not sure I can today.

I just flossed.  Hope to get a shower and brush my teeth before he gets here.  Then will see what I can do.  I have been checking the green growies.  Rhubarb is uncoiling nicely, but nothing else is up and out yet.  Or was several days ago.  I am really hoping for asparagus.  I will try to figure out weeds and the good growie things this year.  It is this year that they should be ready.

I am hoping to work and harvest all things this year, and maybe add a few fruit trees, berries... raspberries, or both.  Perhaps a few more ducks and meat birds?  It would be good.  We will see.  I best get cleaned up.  Dressed.  Even if I can't help.  Will know soon.  Later.

Mostly recovered.

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Some of my bones still hurt from the wrenching they endured.  I have been excessively exhausted since the demon dream.  Keeping my eyes open has been, and remains, a great chore.  My organs still hurt, but the pain has halved per day since.  Another day or two and it should be back to the normal levels.

In spite of the exhaustion, I can't seem to even nap.  I think the pain has been the issue.  As that eases attempts to nap, or outright sleep, will continue.  Muscle recovery is spotty.  It feels as if there are cracks in my muscle groups.  A hell of a dream?  Some bones were hurt by muscles spasming from excessive use, some from being rent, twisted.  Just a dream?  Can't be.

I have been trying to get to work for days.  Too tired.  I am so tired I haven't been able to game.  Two days of mostly just sitting, existing, painfully.  I got the trash out, by 8:00.  I hope that was in time?  I tried all last night, could barely stand.  I was only able to wake and act because of a dark, but not physical, dream last night.  Shame for... the condition of my home...  yea, I know.

I am still too tired, and shamed, to game.  I will sleep again, for a while.  If possible.  After I can sleep again, I will work on the house.  The dream really got to me.  Not sure I can fix it.  Will try.

Tortured dreams.

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Sent to deal with uncles, a clan of them.  Evil ones.  They hadn't regained flesh.  But they had formed a beachhead into the normal plain, and were progressing, as progressives do.  Their evil was leaking out.  I suspect they had been called by ignorant adherents to evil on this side.  Leaking in through them.

Why God doesn't just... because man must choose.  Then why us?  Ah... a) because He says so, b) because man isn't always aware enough, and c) because we are part men.  Well, and who really knows.  God Is, and He works in mysterious ways.  I ask, question, but not really.  I merely suspect.

Why me, for example?  It isn't from raw holiness, if my faith is deeper than any ocean, and pure.  My hope is beyond life, pain... all of it, death.  And my charity is what it could be.  Those... well...  I actually think it is because I sought Him, impossibly for my kind, as a child would, sincerely, without actually knowing His name.  I believed He existed, had to exist.  He did the rest.  Though to, I don't try to hide my sin from Him, or put it above or beyond Him.  I keep Him there, pray forgiveness, even as I am weak.  As when I am strong.

Anyway.  I had to deal with spiritual blight.  Wrestling, physically and spiritually, all night.  I woke in a broken body.  Knots in all major muscles, cramps as well.  My very bones hurt.  Neck strain, and headache typically associated with it.  Muscles and lungs burning with exhaustion.  A few hours, and aside from weariness and mild aches, most has passed.  I haven't been using my pee bottles for... weeks?  Yea.  And before that was down to a quart every other or third night.  But last night I filled over a gallon.

Sheets?

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People have forgotten much.

White, flat, 100% cotton, king.  A set of six.  Actually medical on two fronts.

They can, of course, be used for bedding.  They can also be bleached.  Further, they would be handy in impromptu medical.  Ask any bush doctor or home delivery midwife what those are worth.  Actually the same with towels.  Honey as well.

If applications are quite different, they are both old, traditional, medicine, and general health.  Bleaching for reuse isn't as good as total replacement and some other things.  But when those useful but wasteful and expensive methods aren't available, or fail... the old ways... aren't so bad.

But it isn't tracking, or showing up.  The foods are said to be nearing.  But they are getting delayed and lost.  I do understand.  But if you can't deliver, or even know, slow it down.  You do absolutely no good by rushing, so failing to deliver.  I'd rather have it a week late, but know it is coming and when to expect it.  Foods, at least, are all on some track.  For now.

Frigid.

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What just happened I can't quite tell.  Did cold air just come through, or was something wrong with me?  Did my body just lose the ability to heat itself well?  I crashed so hard, became so tired I couldn't stay awake.  Even my warmest blankets were struggling to help find warmth.

Three or four hours down.  The girls wanted in too.  I had to sort them, as they are terribly jealous.  I got that figured out, but Sam just wouldn't let me alone.  I think she feared something.  Or, maybe, she is used to getting lap time, several times by then, so was demanding her cut of my time.

Her... nagging... drove me from bed.  I turned the furnace up, checked for packages.  Then checked online.  My idea was good, just not fast enough.  They are deluged.  They are now only doing household and medical.  Everything in pre-delivery queue is food, and not that much.  It might be availability?

Feeling better.  Will see how the rest of the day works out.

A busy yesterday.

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Finally got tags on the suv updated.  And, with that, taxes on the house.  Or the fees anyway.  As well, an inspection and oil change.  Grocery shopping, mostly enough for the month, assuming electricity.  Save... no hamburger?  I didn't check tp, or such.  I have that.  Everything looked pretty thin, but I was able to get my needs, mostly.  The walmarts (we have two superstores locally), I heard, are closing overnight to restock.  As are other usually 24/7 stores.

It is spooky out there.  What massive aggressive immigration, a terrible drug problem, encroaching government, and other issues couldn't do, a tiny bug seems to have done.  I guess going woke means going broke isn't just economic?  It is causing a real waking of people.  However, the awakening is turning disastrous.  A lot of the freshly awake... need to go back to sleep. Or wake better.  er.

I suppose everybody has to start somewhere?

It doesn't seem like all that much.  To me it was putting the world on my shoulders and going for a walk.  I needed help just to get out.  Boss's brother went along.  Boss had to work.  I will call about hamburger later in the week.  As well, see about cream.  Other than that, I am staying home.  If I have much choice anyway.

Now many of you get to know what I have known for most of my adult life.  Only, for you, recess will eventually be over.  Or the game will end.  Cheers.

Almost better.

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Medicine, for  a week, has been on target.  All of it.  Food has been off.  I haven't been up to getting out.  Therefore I eat what I have.  I stocked up on foods I can occasionally eat.  Sales, not the virus.  But that is what I have currently.  I have packets of fish and meats arriving... probably.  Still, I need to figure out else to eat with it.

Oh, so why a return to beans and pasta, et. al.?  The "low carb/index" foods are expensive and don't do any better, even if I do their recommended doses.  It might work for people without glucose sensitivity, but I'd lay heavy bills against, if I were a betting man.

As well, that all tastes horrible, or worse.  If I must go with certain foods, it seems that the original, traditional, not only cost massively less and doesn't do any worse for blood sugar, it tastes vastly superior.  I've tried wheat, seed, and seed wheat mix variations, and other stuff.  It just doesn't work.  Still, small doses, and only a few times a month... unless stuck in an epidemic.

I am almost ready to start working.  Even my gaming was, is, really off.  When you can't even enjoy easy pleasures, that is when life can really be difficult.  Working on things.  I am really hoping to fix things around some time this week.  I keep dreaming about working.  Not as fast or heavy as I would like, but... some of it.  It seems even dreaming I know limits.  Later.

Amazon is on fire.

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As well, UPS and other delivery services.  Between lack of local availability, hostile possibly ill crowds, and the ease of door delivery, Amazon, Walmart, and other online retailers are the way to go.  I already had my tp order in, I keep... plenty in stock.  A woman would burn through my stock in months, I feel sorry for married men, especially with daughters, in this area.  I actually think women use it regularly, eat another third, then sacrifice another third to some unknown to men god of pericare.

I am ordering a few extras this month.  Recently decided to order food, packs of tuna, chicken, and such... single serving, easy to take some, or share out, shelf stable.  I am, mostly, staying one step ahead of the "buy it all" crowd.  I get it just before prices go skyhigh then the products just become unavailable.  I have some stuff, but a bit more is good.

The real problem is shipping.  They can't or won't tell me when items will be arriving.  That was a real concern with the toilet paper.  Sitting on the porch any length of time could see it disappear, irreplaceably.  Actually same with everything else I am ordering.  The next day, much of it is offline or costing more per item than I bought in 24 packs.  So, I check midmorning and midafternoon, plus at bedtime if I remember.

I will give some out, if asked.  Of anything I have, if I have extra.  Preferably in trade.  If they have extra meat, or cans of vegies.  Actually there is a small family I need to check on.  They have been good to me and are good for America.  A family, these days, is precious.  I already checked on two other families.  Hmm... actually, there are two families I will check on.  None have needed, yet.  There is always hope.  It's a duty.

Later.

Very rough.

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Managing.  Keeping on meds, mostly.  Trying to keep fed, hydrated.  Aspirin when the pain gets to be too much.  Duck, cats, and myself.  It's... working.

Both of the ladies are laying.  Not both, every day.  One is daily, the other, which had stopped laying, is back to two for three or four days, if temperature seems to play more of a part.  I'm glad to see it, as much for her as for me.  Probably more eggs than I need, but... it's all good.

I dreamed that I started working on the house.  Sorting, boxing things to stay and go.  And, so, that is my goal.  A timer set, a few hours in one or maybe two areas.  Sifting, boxing, tossing.  As soon as I get half of it gone through, I will order in a dumpster.  Hopefully a month and two loads?  Some of it is old furniture and bedding, so... it isn't quite what it seems.  And boxes will be packed light for easy carry.

I need to eat and wake first.  I've been up a while, but it's been a tough morning to get started.  Oh, tried a new flavor of toothpaste.  Fennel... black liquorice.  It was either going to be super or gross.  I'm telling you, it is fantastic.  More, it pairs with the mouth wash exceptionally well!  All non-fluoride.  I have started flossing, but just at bedtime.  I wanted to be stocked up before I restarted that.

I see president Trump is beginning to take wuhan seriously.  No complaints, on one side.  He, as most, are used to plowing through.  He didn't become a billionaire, then spend decades preparing to run for then become the president by being a sissy.  Absolutely fair.  But... this isn't a sissy thing.

I wish they had shut things down a month, even two months ago.  I still don't think it would have stopped the spread, but it might have slowed it.  Too open of borders, land, air, and sea.  Too many bigwigs who do as they damn well please... has Hanks returned?  But slowing the spread... unless reinfection is real, prevalent, statistically significant... as well... if the previously ill become carriers.  Do you have any idea what those last two concepts mean?

Anyway.  I realize, especially with the absolute wall of lies out of China, our bought bureaucracy, and our Judas big biz, plus their influence, Trump didn't have recourse... until it was far too late.  Now to close schools and businesses until real understanding is available.

Will this hurt the economy?  It was, has been for years, a zombie economy.  Empty cities around the world, empires of skyscrapers, parking lots of unsold cars, and more... just to keep people employed while burying printed debt acting as money.  Perhaps this will... sort some of that out.  It is a warning, or an opportunity.  Maybe bits of each.  Your response will define which.

Hmm?  Oh... I... ought to see if I can wake, then do... something... things.

Odd, medicine.

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Two days back on it and the pain is back, plus extra temporary suffering as my body adjusts to the breaks and full back being applied to an out-of-control all forward engine.  I was going to hit... something... eventually.  Medicine is a brick wall.  A thinner one than a heart attack or stroke is all.

I actually have hurt, I just didn't feel it.  I finally burned.  The pan was only 350°.  I am not sure if I am failing, if it was because the handle was a massive piece, or chrome instead of cast.  It took the skin, about the size and shape of a quarter, off.  But... it didn't hurt much.  Nothing else seemed to hurt either.  I suspect everything hurt, but I couldn't feel it.

Medicine allows me to more directly feel pain.  Even so, the burn is minor compared to my innards and else.  Now that medicine has allowed pain to again be sensed.  As well, I can more easily remain celibate off medicine.  Not even close to perfectly, especially when the dreams flood in.  But on medicine my will collapses, especially initially.  Dreams, daydreams, visions, scents, ghost sensations... medicine floods my perceptions with... memories?... of her... many women.  I have sipped deeply from that garden.

As well, 74° to 76° couldn't always keep me warm.  Now, 70° is cooking me.  Too hot!  And with a muscle shirt, not even a t-shirt.  Odd how that works.  I ought to see if my reactions are normal.  Then again, I just started over 32 mg of stuff most people, even close to my size, max at 6 mg.  Some take as little as 2 to 3 mg's.  So... I may be a tadge unique.  I would like to understand the mechanics though.  Later.

She runs.

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Battery reconditioning did it's job.  The reason I thought there might be more wrong is it wouldn't shift.  I wanted to put it in neutral, so as to push it a bit in order to get the trash barrel out easier.  It wouldn't shift.  Might have been frozen?  All I know is, with the battery charged all else works.  Got the trash out, barrel back in, while out checking things.  I think someone, Boss, left a light on.  *sigh*

Heart medicine seems to be helping blood sugar.  Enough that I will have to be careful.  What had been lowering it a hundred dropped it 215 points, to 84.  A fatted tea brought it up to 124.  Slippery damned slope, some days.  It's why I check more often when anything changes and I am out of it.  Which... is usually.

Daydreaming about a major snowstorm.  Yet feeling like it is summer again already.

Wouch.

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I started medicine again yesterday.  I thought it had jus been a few days off.  I had been able to hear my heart through my chest, and feel the dry pound as if a sledgehammer striking iron on an anvil.  The medicine stopped both of those phenomena nearly instantly.

Do you have floaters in your eyes?  Mine became as visible electric currents.  My eyes dilated to were even in my shadowy cave, on a cloudy day, I could barely keep my eyes open.  Blinded by even shadow.  And green about the gills, as if blood sugar had collapsed.  I checked that, not the case.

A bit much, but I survived so will continue.  As well, try to stay up on insulin.  I missed last night, as meds destroyed me.  A shower this morning.  Trash out.  Tried to start the Xterra, but the battery is down.  I set up the charger, will see if that works, if it is all. Something seems really wrong though.  Sabotaged?  New battery.

Overheating, bodily.  Have been for a week.  Upstairs is only dropping to 61°.  Outdoors is in the high 20's to 40's.  But it seems so much warmer, inside and out.  I keep dreaming we are going to get a severe snow.  So far just rain?  The weather is... odd.  I would guess, with China down for the covid19, natural patterns are trying to reassert themselves.  And no amount of tinkering will put that jack back in the box.  I like Trump, but he is absolutely on the wrong side of this, even if it ends up mild.  A simple 40% rate of infection with a humble 6% kill rate is over seven million dead.  Close the borders, quarantine... many.  Quit with your Democrat blase notions.

Don't believe me?  Look at everything from stocks to toilet paper...  quickly trading places of value... perhaps use.  Toss in oil and trade, public venues... the people have voted.  Don't... screw with the herd.  Right or wrong, don't be in it's way.  And don't make it look like you endanger us.  Friendly advice.  Truly.  Oh, and do ensure t.p. stocks and limited access to that.  Your wife is lovely, but telling her to ration t.p.?  Doh.  I can, dimmly, imagine her rages.  Does the WH still have a dog house?  Or wherever you are living?  Don't long dog houses by shorting t.p.

A bon mot?

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Requested.

Proffered.

I don't believe the hour is now.  But that could change.  It would need to become much more lethal, quickly.  Well, and a thousand other things, plus peace and... more.  Assuming the numbers we are being given are accurate.  Somehow, even in the States, I think they are dumping bodies and chasing down people with lethal precise accuracy.  Will never know the real numbers or truth.

Or?

Such a mess.

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I've been back trying insulin for a while.  Readings are a bit high, wrong foods.  Can't concentrate.  I have, again, fallen off heart medicine.  The medicine dispensers, without clear panels, don't work.  I simply lose track.  I need to see.  I will be ordering more clear ones today.  I do my best.  My best just isn't always good enough.

I have been playing a game.  In it there are daily activities.  There is no punishment for missing a day.  It's just that advancement slows to a crawl.  I have been playing for a month and an half.  The learning curve is steep.  I have a main character leveled enough to technically play any content.  But it doesn't work without top gear, specific skills, and a practiced, memorized, skills and weapon ability rotation.  I haven't even figured out where to begin finding gear, or in places I can survive.

I do the dailies.  But not on a regular schedule.  I really can't keep a schedule.  As a fact, the harder I try, the worse it gets.  I almost lost a few days... or did... trying to put too much in a few times, and then trying to stick to more exact times.  Easing up on the throttle, sleeping when the body demands it, and naps, have... helped.  It is something.  Not a life, not a job or education, but... something.

I'll get going again.  Ask other players.  Check a few sites.  Trash out today, a shower, and some cleaning?  I can hope.

It wasn't a dream.

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As I woke this morning, I remained there a while longer.  Usually, when I wake, I pop out of bed as quickly as mechanically possible.  That can vary, not by much but it feels like a large difference.  Some rare days I have to decide if it is time, if I can.  Today it took five minutes to decide, mostly eyes closed.  As the decision was made, I opened my eyes, in the dark, to facilitate readiness.

As I rested there, eyes open, I noticed something coalescing in the dark.  Sam!  Odd how she moved. As dark as it was... I do have exceptional eyes, for some things.  But... no.  Right as I was reaching out to pet her, I realized something.  The door was shut.  She couldn't be up here.  It wasn't her.

Such dark coincidences.

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Sleeping way too much.  Little choice.

Dreaming.  This time very simple... dreams?

She was massaging my shoulder.  As she did when she wanted to wake me in a pleasant mood.  I'm easy, if you work with me.  Each time, I did actually wake.  Promptly obtaining a bloody nose.  Twice.  I was about to be happy to see her.  I found myself, alone, in the dark, with a bloody nose.

The scent of... a stranger?

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The, uhrm, intent? theme?  The design was clear. clean.

She has been whispering in my ears for days.  I called those echos.

It can't be you!

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My Jesus wouldn't call on you!  Confused, sinful, even an abomination!

Wha?

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Shouted whispers.  Confused.  Confounded.  Too much, too loud.

A visitor of the mind.

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He was a dream.  Or so he presented.  I... watched, discerned.  After some time I realized he was not us or of us.  Powerful, in his skills, this one.  Unlike most of his kind, he not only mind walks and cloaks his presence consciously, he chooses his targets.  I... am sure he has dream raped women, accessed data, gotten material advantage, through his... talents.  Difficult not to abuse such power.  And terribly few those who can see him, know.  I am terribly rare.

He wasn't here for... nefarious reasons.  He is travelling East.  He thought I thought he was a dream, mostly.  For the most part, I let him believe... as well as I was able, for as long as he would.  Questions.  He wants to survive, return.  Escape if need be.  He chose me for real, serious, reasons.  He... knows.  Knows too much, now.  But can't prove a damned thing, and further, knows too what I know about him.  Shhh.

I told him it is half who you are with in a survival escape mode.  Another half is knowing where to go and how to get there.  As well, it is a hundred percent luck.  He decryed that the total was more than a hundred percent!  He thought me toying with him.  He was about to go.  I settled him, got him to stay.

Struck a bone.

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Hmm?

I see you too.

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Putting bits, pieces, and parts together?  Is this what you sought?

Girls are such freaks.

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Still?

Happy Valentine's Day.

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Not... me to you or general.  It had to be her to me?  Directly, through intent and algos?

What a mess.

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It isn't the worst mess I have been in, by season or otherwise.  It is a tangle though.  Right as soon as I have it together it all falls apart, or bits do.  Medicine was on track.  Insulin and or food went wrong, if food seemed needful... psycho-physical recovery from the dive to and probably below 51 did a number on me.  I then dropped so fast, again, that it hurt.  So a last pasta dish.

Yesterday it started at three and a quarter, but was down to one and three quarters by days end.  Today it is two and a quarter starting out.  As funky as things work, I will be conservative with dosing.  Do not want to hit below a hundred, yet.  In a week, maybe.  Still, my blood sugar does whatever it wants, sometimes.  I wasn't dosing heavy when it dropped so steeply.  It just did a stupid slide.

Now, though, to get back to other meds.  I just got back on them then a few days on fell back off them.  Struggle?  Oh yea.  My will, and ways, are good.  Somewhere between those and mundane application, something breaks down.  I die little deaths, lose bits of... things.  But do my best.  Nothing new.  Actually doing far better.  Even in the falls I realize I have fallen.  It doesn't take months to even realize my... situation.  Further, I can function, lightly, in the fall, if need be.

So... Yes...  Better.  Not great, not to good health.  Just... better.

Beginnings.

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New ones.  Sometimes daily.  Sometimes every few months to years.  In different areas, though overlapping happens.  Another as the week ends and hopefully as the new week begins.  Medicine is helping... if I missed half of today.  It happens.  Food and insulin in, but the last round of pasta, carbs in general.  Now I go clean.

The tub, after this and that every day, finally cleared yesterday.  At the end of the day.  So I took a shower this morning.  I will take another tomorrow.  Wonderful!  Needed!  As well, I have started doing bits around the house.  It looks worse for it.  Darker, colder, worse, before it can get better.

Yeah.  Oh, and quite a few Valentine pleasantries recently.  Oh yea.  And a few swipes.  Having a vagina must be nuts!   Hrm, nutz anyway.  About bedtime.  The girls will be tripping over themselves to be in with me.  When clean, especially after a bit... it was far too cold for a sink bath lately... and they can't stay away.  I'll have to be careful... only two cats but they seem to be everywhere when I am sleeping.

I was so sure...

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I thought she was a... I thought she was trying to be cute.  Read as rude.  I don't play well with (other)? psychopaths.  Especially my kind.

It has to be?

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Responses.  Someone thinks she's got it?

Fast, brutal.

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Blood sugar was down to 142 several hours after dinner.  Very good, but too fast.  A major headache, feeling green, and not doing well.  I didn't take large doses.  Keto, it... if you have been on it for months, years really, you go right back to it.  I did, but the bod wasn't prepared.  No time to adjust.

I just took a carb chewable and a pile of aspirin.  Time will tell.  Rough.

I grilled meats for the week.  Meat isn't all that tasty.  Winter culls?  Foreign?  Old?  The roasts look wrong.  The fat looks hard, brittle, and cracks.  It doesn't look like natural fat.  And there is so little of it.  It looks marbled, but isn't by taste.  I am not sure what is wrong with it, but this isn't good beef.  I think they are replacing chuck with round or leg.  I can't find real chuck, or good chuck?

A load of laundry went through.  I found rubber gloves for dealing with the tub.  I did several small tasks in spite of feeling so awful.  Burning up too.  I am ready for a sink bath tomorrow.  Just... not today.  Several in a row would be good, if possible.  So rough.

It looks like blogger has dumped spellchecker.  It was pretty bad to be honest, often prefering British or other foreign spellings.  As well, it looks like youtube is yanking PS4's.  It keeps wanting me to switch browsers.  As best as I can tell, that isn't possible with playstations.  Oh, and someone was on my playstation account.  I had to redo the password, log off, and restart, to get it to work for me.  Nasty out there.

Anyway...  :p

just... because...

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Some of these have been vexing me for a long time now.  The rest?  Longer.

Back to keto.

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In part a response to the drop in blood sugar, in part an attempt to break out of winter's grasp, I spent a week on the wild side.  No booze, not sure my body can handle that stuff anymore.  Beef and beans by pounds, spaghetti or pasghetti as I prefer... two rounds, and mac and cheese... with tuna in the last half, as examples.  Big meals!

Oddly, it didn't do... anything... except drive blood sugar to 400.  Fasting, premeal, and postmeal, insulin in mega doses, always 400 give or take ten.  Officially switched yesterday?  Yes, but only had one carby meal the day before.  Blood sugar is already down to 250 fasting.  That will be the high.  Now to see how fast it can be brought down, hopefully without death or coma.  Hmm, I ought to check about more carb pills.

Nothing done yesterday.  I think a cold front moved in?  I fell, hard.  I did a few tasks.  A load of laundry through, finally again keeping up on cat litter, trying to brush the teeth three times a day... yea, I... try.  Today I sorted clothes and brushed first thing.  That is fairly usual.  It is later brushing I often miss... bedtime is the most common miss as I just plunge crash.

Medicine?  Almost perfect.  I had thought I had missed half.  A closer check shows I only missed two evenings in the last nine days.  Not perfect, much better than thought.  Memory gets so wonky.  As to insulin... I thought I had been missing that, often, too... but the numbers suggest, to me from my experience, that I have been doing well.  But, Doomster, 400?  Yeah, but three to four pounds of high carb food per day, for a week?  Not bad, actually.  I get to 400 in a month otherwise (when unable to three day fast every or every other week, then I can keep get to 130 fasting... probably lower if I could continue... a tough racket).  Ugh.

I have everything set for a sink bath, soaps, shampoo, conditioner, a washcloth... oh, best get a towel and body oil.  Clean clothes ready too.  Then another load of laundry.  Another possible group of calls about representation.  Keeping the phone close, in case I receive a call.  About to feed and water the ducks.  Their water is freezing every night again, too hard for them to break through.  I try to water them twice a day when it's like that.

Ugh.

Calls and more.

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I called yesterday.  Early afternoon is too late.  So, today, again.  This time much earlier, but not too early.  One number was in D.C., the other local... by time.  The first says I make too much, the other... at first suggested they didn't help.  When I suggested that the SSA sent me their number, she decided they had someone who might help but that she was at lunch.  I left a message.  I will call Thursday if I hear nothing between now and then.  I will attempt to call a Disabled Vets rep tomorrow.

Now, the more.  The bathtub is backed up.  All other drains are fine.  So... to figure that out.  As well, the toilet is not filling as quickly as it should.  A new float gadget or can the old one be cleared?  Gritty, hard, water hereabouts.  Ugh... all at once it seems.  I need a bath.  May just do a sink bath.  Depending on what I can do with the drain snake and chems.

Moving so slowly.  Tired.  Confused.  Restarting medicine and eating again, if wrongly.  Ugh.  I'll...  get there.

Between medication and late winter...

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I am dragging bottom, if nearing buoyancy.  Medicine has been parttime, if getting better.  It is almost every dose, every day.  Insulin is back on with the slow, once daily, stuff.  The other stuff is forgotten with small meals.  And it isn't working well, but because of the food I have been eating.

Finally, a skillet of beans, if with burger.  So hungry, hadn't been eating almost at all.  All calories were from fatted drinks.  And little of that for several weeks... a month?  I needed real food.  Beef, beans, cheese, milk, and warmed crusted bread that just drank butter.  Now pasghetti with meat sauce and milk.  All spicy-hot enough few others could eat it.  If I get to town, more bread and a dry Italian cheese or other as topping.

Hungry, in ways only the dead can know.

SSA sent letters.  I couldn't make heads or tails of anything.  Complex?  Bureaucratic.  But that wasn't really the problem.  I just... can't... think.  So I called the neighbor.  He took it home, looked it over, brought it back, had me fill out a portion for remittance, and explained the rest.  Some sort of semi-final legal hearing.  I need to contact a few legal orgs Monday.  All listed, with contacts, except Disabled Vets of America.  But they should be easy enough to at least call.

Still pretty beat up, haggard, definitely crawling along the killing floor.  But pushing, pulling, trying to go through, over, under, or around as possible.  Or, just... doing or not as required.  The sun is arriving earlier and staying longer!  Oh, that is a happy thing, for now.

Blood sugar, of course, is rather high.  I'll burn through hunger shortly, then get back to it.  There is a limit to even chocolate cake dosing.  So be it.