.
.
When did I go to bed? Was the sun still, or yet, up? Something is just terribly off. No pain, if no nothing. The boxes keep being found stacked. Mostly empty, though there is a stack of lightly filled boxes too. I... don't remember doing that, mostly. Already on a second stack, third depending how one counts, stack.
The funny thing is, the last time I dug down to the table top, I cleaned and straightened it. It... remains just as it was. More needs removed, but it is clear to see. I had to laugh... modern archeology 101. Dishes today, and a shower and shave? Yes. And some of the white cottons that arrived. I would also like to finish the cot and at least move the storage systems upstairs. Those will be quite simple to assemble with so much open space! They do take time, and concentration. Finally, to have easy to access clothing and bedding storage upstairs! I will begin folding clothes again... and hanging... after the installations.
Well, I will get some of that. Dishes, laundry, a shower, and trash out. With bags in place, trash will be very easy. I have been keeping up on tossing as I go, so just pull, drop in the barrel, and to the curb. I do want to clear one area, but down to one from everywhere is doable. I can't believe the improvements, especially without remembering. I have a very long way to go, but I have done very well. Just two to four hours a day, three to five days a week... if a bit more by grabbing boxes as I do other things.
Saturday, May 9, 2020
Crazy talk, right there.
.
.
In the simplified world of a child, perhaps.
I... finally realized why I am sleeping twelve to... as much as thirty hours at a time. When I got busy, then fell, I also ran out of preset meds. It... was on my mind, until nothing was. And so it remained until now? To the best of my recall. That wasn't all of it.
Temperatures had been rising, plateauing, then rising, rather regularly. I had turned the furnace off. Temperatures started dropping again, recently. I simply did not notice. I set the furnace at 70, trying not to overheat the cave, after seeing how low it was dropping. Before long, heat will be the problem. It was getting as low as 62°. I just wasn't aware, until yesterday. That's just too cold, more so for someone with little circulation.
I think, with some heat, now that I am rested, I can set meds back up. The month medsets are in, which should help. I have two of two different sorts, in case one type doesn't hold enough medicine. No wonder I felt like I was dying. Too tired, undermedicated, and too blasted cold. I can't focus well enough to reset medication, but soon.
I have been doing little. But I have been collecting boxes, clearing here and there. Things aren't moving fast, but they are moving. And, actually, faster than I would have dreamed. Better? Being so exhausted, I don't remember the effeort. It seems I have formed an subconscious habit? Or memory is extremely short lived? I'm betting on the former.
Later. Actually good night. I had started this when I woke at midnight. But blogger went weird, so I gave up. I finish and post as I crash at 11:00. Anyway, good night and day.
.
In the simplified world of a child, perhaps.
I... finally realized why I am sleeping twelve to... as much as thirty hours at a time. When I got busy, then fell, I also ran out of preset meds. It... was on my mind, until nothing was. And so it remained until now? To the best of my recall. That wasn't all of it.
Temperatures had been rising, plateauing, then rising, rather regularly. I had turned the furnace off. Temperatures started dropping again, recently. I simply did not notice. I set the furnace at 70, trying not to overheat the cave, after seeing how low it was dropping. Before long, heat will be the problem. It was getting as low as 62°. I just wasn't aware, until yesterday. That's just too cold, more so for someone with little circulation.
I think, with some heat, now that I am rested, I can set meds back up. The month medsets are in, which should help. I have two of two different sorts, in case one type doesn't hold enough medicine. No wonder I felt like I was dying. Too tired, undermedicated, and too blasted cold. I can't focus well enough to reset medication, but soon.
I have been doing little. But I have been collecting boxes, clearing here and there. Things aren't moving fast, but they are moving. And, actually, faster than I would have dreamed. Better? Being so exhausted, I don't remember the effeort. It seems I have formed an subconscious habit? Or memory is extremely short lived? I'm betting on the former.
Later. Actually good night. I had started this when I woke at midnight. But blogger went weird, so I gave up. I finish and post as I crash at 11:00. Anyway, good night and day.
Wednesday, May 6, 2020
The nap that ate Tokyo?
.
.
Nap? I had planned a nap. And I started one, at a very good time, or I thought. Down right at five. So cool. So dark... comparatively. Everything I have missed, going to sleep during daylight usually. It was glorious. A few hours, maybe five I thought, going into it. How about twelve? Yea, no choice. Even with the girls meowling for food everry few hours from about noon on.
The girls and ducks have been tended. I looked through my usual sites, online, after that. Two hours have been lost. I may have to go back to bed. Will try a trick or three. But if it doesn't lead to work, I'll back down and allow a crash. I need to feel rested enough to work, or just go back to bed until I do.
A bite, and tea, while I think. Later.
.
Nap? I had planned a nap. And I started one, at a very good time, or I thought. Down right at five. So cool. So dark... comparatively. Everything I have missed, going to sleep during daylight usually. It was glorious. A few hours, maybe five I thought, going into it. How about twelve? Yea, no choice. Even with the girls meowling for food everry few hours from about noon on.
The girls and ducks have been tended. I looked through my usual sites, online, after that. Two hours have been lost. I may have to go back to bed. Will try a trick or three. But if it doesn't lead to work, I'll back down and allow a crash. I need to feel rested enough to work, or just go back to bed until I do.
A bite, and tea, while I think. Later.
Tuesday, May 5, 2020
Down late, up early.
.
.
Strange how that worked out. I made it to almost 14:00, erring up to an half hour either way. Which is exceptional. So late in terms of my day, I can't recall. Waking right at 19:00 isn't ideal though. I'll nap to balance it all a bit in a while. I am hoping to be able to work shortly. While waking was impossible to avoid, I couldn't work right off.
Dishes, getting that going, is my first goal. Transporting boxes into stacks, and putting mail into the shredder... collecting it first. It would be good to clear a surface every few days. The problem with opening surfaces is that they become collection points. I'd love to think I can change the future, but... that... isn't as easy as it sounds.
Speaking of that, have you ever truly tried to change your behavior? Whether it is something odd, like not allowing items to collect on open surfaces, or quitting something. The latter I know is possible, but not in a vacuum. I couldn't quit tobacco until my mom did. Or, I could but would fail when visiting. I quit four times.
As for alcohol, that slowly stopped being used. Has that been two or three years now? I have a bottle of vodka from my last run. A two liter of mid-grade, unopened. I wonder if it has a shelf-life? I have thought about it, from time to time, as with tobacco. The want slowly gets weaker, fading with time. They say it was good to quit, for health. My real reason was because of squirrely behavior with alcohol, and a useless addiction regarding tobacco.
As to other behaviors? I keep trying to add cleaning and neatness or organization routines in, but I simply haven't found a way. With my days and nights, and capacity on any given day, in chaotic flux, regularity isn't possible. Just working eight to twelve hours a week crushes me. Sometimes I can't see the world around me. Still... What does work is going to salads, using disposable plates, reducing (I am hoping) access to as many dishes, pots, and pans... putting many of them away in boxes initially... will help.
Some things I can't change, within a paradigm. Figuring out a new way of doing things, whole cloth, on the fly, untried... not possibly known even... is tricky. It is reverse engineering an idea, or whole stack of them, into practical applications. It's possible, I am doing, trying. But it's a potent trick for a walking dead man. I don't think I am all dead yet. Might as well try it. What do I have to lose?
Later.
.
Strange how that worked out. I made it to almost 14:00, erring up to an half hour either way. Which is exceptional. So late in terms of my day, I can't recall. Waking right at 19:00 isn't ideal though. I'll nap to balance it all a bit in a while. I am hoping to be able to work shortly. While waking was impossible to avoid, I couldn't work right off.
Dishes, getting that going, is my first goal. Transporting boxes into stacks, and putting mail into the shredder... collecting it first. It would be good to clear a surface every few days. The problem with opening surfaces is that they become collection points. I'd love to think I can change the future, but... that... isn't as easy as it sounds.
Speaking of that, have you ever truly tried to change your behavior? Whether it is something odd, like not allowing items to collect on open surfaces, or quitting something. The latter I know is possible, but not in a vacuum. I couldn't quit tobacco until my mom did. Or, I could but would fail when visiting. I quit four times.
As for alcohol, that slowly stopped being used. Has that been two or three years now? I have a bottle of vodka from my last run. A two liter of mid-grade, unopened. I wonder if it has a shelf-life? I have thought about it, from time to time, as with tobacco. The want slowly gets weaker, fading with time. They say it was good to quit, for health. My real reason was because of squirrely behavior with alcohol, and a useless addiction regarding tobacco.
As to other behaviors? I keep trying to add cleaning and neatness or organization routines in, but I simply haven't found a way. With my days and nights, and capacity on any given day, in chaotic flux, regularity isn't possible. Just working eight to twelve hours a week crushes me. Sometimes I can't see the world around me. Still... What does work is going to salads, using disposable plates, reducing (I am hoping) access to as many dishes, pots, and pans... putting many of them away in boxes initially... will help.
Some things I can't change, within a paradigm. Figuring out a new way of doing things, whole cloth, on the fly, untried... not possibly known even... is tricky. It is reverse engineering an idea, or whole stack of them, into practical applications. It's possible, I am doing, trying. But it's a potent trick for a walking dead man. I don't think I am all dead yet. Might as well try it. What do I have to lose?
Later.
No more work.
.
.
I did what I could. I was surprised at what was done, starting with staying awake. That, I was beginning to think, was going to be it. Then I got two short bursts. Enough to say I did something. Plus developing a plan, to begin gathering empty, to start, boxes for tearing down. I didn't implement that last night, no focus. It will be happening going forward.
Daydreaming, almost as if I was asleep. I don't remember what about, or how my mind can do a sort of split screen, were... is my mind taking turns, or are they "playing" at the same time, my vision choosing which to see what moments? Very strange. Yes, nearly asleep.
I have to feed the ducks. The cats have been fed already. I should be into the dishes quickly tonight. I don't think there is enough laundry of any sort for another load yet. But that reboxing project, and storage. Perhaps empties in as full boxes out, too. Anything to create efficiency, and speed the projects.
The sun is out. It seems slightly dark out there, but will know more shortly. Oh, the barrel back from the curb too. Good night.
.
I did what I could. I was surprised at what was done, starting with staying awake. That, I was beginning to think, was going to be it. Then I got two short bursts. Enough to say I did something. Plus developing a plan, to begin gathering empty, to start, boxes for tearing down. I didn't implement that last night, no focus. It will be happening going forward.
Daydreaming, almost as if I was asleep. I don't remember what about, or how my mind can do a sort of split screen, were... is my mind taking turns, or are they "playing" at the same time, my vision choosing which to see what moments? Very strange. Yes, nearly asleep.
I have to feed the ducks. The cats have been fed already. I should be into the dishes quickly tonight. I don't think there is enough laundry of any sort for another load yet. But that reboxing project, and storage. Perhaps empties in as full boxes out, too. Anything to create efficiency, and speed the projects.
The sun is out. It seems slightly dark out there, but will know more shortly. Oh, the barrel back from the curb too. Good night.
Awake, if that is it.
.
.
So far. I will finish laundry, drying whatever needs it. I am hoping to do just a bit more trash collecting. Perhaps finish clearing the space for dishes. If so, I hope to hit the dishes, that which is ready...
Well... the Internet died for a bit. During that time I got the area cleared, and checked laundry. I was pleasantly surprised. I hadn't, as feared, left a load in the washing machine. I reset the load in the dryer on medium, or the second notch into warm. I think my machine has five heat settings and a fluff setting. The final heat setting, which is for cotton, white cotton, if you want it sanitized. Or getting rid of evidence? :p
Some trash cleared, dishes collected, plus this and that, while figuring it out. It isn't quite ready for dishes. It needs washed off. I'll do that when next I hit dishes. I'll just empty a basin, fill it with hot sudsy, then change out for rinse, then let it dry as I finish dishes.
Not fancy. Not much. Not fast. But I pulled out of a collapse and have started up. Yea. I have done the things that worried me most. There is far more work to do than the feared work. But I can do the remainder a box at a time, if required. Actually, every time I go to the loo, or for tea, or go anywhere, I should stack a few out. It will cut down on concerted effort.
A bit rough. Achy. I never did take that aspirin. I will tonight. It sure might help. Hmm, best bring the trash barrel in next time I feed the ducks. Later.
.
So far. I will finish laundry, drying whatever needs it. I am hoping to do just a bit more trash collecting. Perhaps finish clearing the space for dishes. If so, I hope to hit the dishes, that which is ready...
Well... the Internet died for a bit. During that time I got the area cleared, and checked laundry. I was pleasantly surprised. I hadn't, as feared, left a load in the washing machine. I reset the load in the dryer on medium, or the second notch into warm. I think my machine has five heat settings and a fluff setting. The final heat setting, which is for cotton, white cotton, if you want it sanitized. Or getting rid of evidence? :p
Some trash cleared, dishes collected, plus this and that, while figuring it out. It isn't quite ready for dishes. It needs washed off. I'll do that when next I hit dishes. I'll just empty a basin, fill it with hot sudsy, then change out for rinse, then let it dry as I finish dishes.
Not fancy. Not much. Not fast. But I pulled out of a collapse and have started up. Yea. I have done the things that worried me most. There is far more work to do than the feared work. But I can do the remainder a box at a time, if required. Actually, every time I go to the loo, or for tea, or go anywhere, I should stack a few out. It will cut down on concerted effort.
A bit rough. Achy. I never did take that aspirin. I will tonight. It sure might help. Hmm, best bring the trash barrel in next time I feed the ducks. Later.
Monday, May 4, 2020
A few tricks.
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.
I hate wasting, even a wake-up. So I tried every trick at my disposal. I don't think it is working. So... this one last time. Blogging, a procrastination to hold off sleep, while my eyes burn for sleep. Probably a losing effort. How many efforts in life are likely? You, I, we... aren't here to win. To fight, or just live? I have no choice. Life, for me, is a fight. One I have already lost. Still, why give up even now? I have nothing to lose. Only the pain and struggle give this life meaning, structure, a weak grasp of the real.
I realized my feet need care. Without being able to afford a pedicure monthly, I lost track. My heels are so harsh they bruise other parts simply through light contact. I ordered a few pieces of equipment to see if I can fix that. Wouldn't want them to crack, either. The tools and pieces cost less than a single trip to the now closed anyway spas. Gotta do it.
I am still waiting on flat sheets, ordered over a mont ago. White cotton, simple but they bleach well. Pillow cases, of that sort, ordered on payday, are almost here. For toys, I ordered steel marbles. Can't play against glass with them, they will be their own set. Now I have room, upstairs, to practice. Silly? In a small way, I hope so. While life is a losing battle, perhaps partly for that, partly in spite of that, and partly aside from that, life shouldn't be taken totally seriously. That is losing, on steroids and speed.
.
I hate wasting, even a wake-up. So I tried every trick at my disposal. I don't think it is working. So... this one last time. Blogging, a procrastination to hold off sleep, while my eyes burn for sleep. Probably a losing effort. How many efforts in life are likely? You, I, we... aren't here to win. To fight, or just live? I have no choice. Life, for me, is a fight. One I have already lost. Still, why give up even now? I have nothing to lose. Only the pain and struggle give this life meaning, structure, a weak grasp of the real.
I realized my feet need care. Without being able to afford a pedicure monthly, I lost track. My heels are so harsh they bruise other parts simply through light contact. I ordered a few pieces of equipment to see if I can fix that. Wouldn't want them to crack, either. The tools and pieces cost less than a single trip to the now closed anyway spas. Gotta do it.
I am still waiting on flat sheets, ordered over a mont ago. White cotton, simple but they bleach well. Pillow cases, of that sort, ordered on payday, are almost here. For toys, I ordered steel marbles. Can't play against glass with them, they will be their own set. Now I have room, upstairs, to practice. Silly? In a small way, I hope so. While life is a losing battle, perhaps partly for that, partly in spite of that, and partly aside from that, life shouldn't be taken totally seriously. That is losing, on steroids and speed.
An uncomfortable start.
.
.
Innards feel bad. Sleep didn't leave me rested. Lungs burn. Even so, a better day than I am used to waking into. My first chore is to decide whether to wake or go back to bed. It looks like the sun is out solidly if not fiercely? I'll know more when I feed the ducks. Whether shortly, or later, I am looking forward to today, and the rest of the week.
It isn't just the work, it is more the idea of the finished product. But the hope of being able to do the work is a good. At this pace it will take a while. But a while is much faster than never. And, yes, I do see it coming together. Little stations will be cleared. One for sorting through boxes, one for tearing down boxes, one for processing dishes, possibly other stations.
As things get done, the processes behind them will become burned in. Keeping up should become easier. There is nothing like being buried in a kingdom of dirt then digging out of it to make one appreciate open clean clear spaces. As well, eating mostly salads will limit dishes. I may even downsize some of my dishes and else. Some set aside, some tossed. Gotta clean, clear.
Remember when I received grief about buying styrofoam bowls, for feeding the girls? Now, considering the source, I didn't take the reprimand seriously... if I could be wrong. He can be intractable. Anyway, I only bought that because there wasn't a choice. I thought them too light, flimsy, to work. Not only do they work well, hold up, but they clean up exceptionally well and easily. I have only had to replace a few, mostly from external abuse such as being stepped on. I don't have to waste water washing as with ceramic bowls, or toss the bowls after two or three meals as with paper bowls... all thr types I tried became nasty, fast. Super for feeding cats.
I'll probably be going back to bed shortly. But I will be digging in when I can stay awake. Later.
.
Innards feel bad. Sleep didn't leave me rested. Lungs burn. Even so, a better day than I am used to waking into. My first chore is to decide whether to wake or go back to bed. It looks like the sun is out solidly if not fiercely? I'll know more when I feed the ducks. Whether shortly, or later, I am looking forward to today, and the rest of the week.
It isn't just the work, it is more the idea of the finished product. But the hope of being able to do the work is a good. At this pace it will take a while. But a while is much faster than never. And, yes, I do see it coming together. Little stations will be cleared. One for sorting through boxes, one for tearing down boxes, one for processing dishes, possibly other stations.
As things get done, the processes behind them will become burned in. Keeping up should become easier. There is nothing like being buried in a kingdom of dirt then digging out of it to make one appreciate open clean clear spaces. As well, eating mostly salads will limit dishes. I may even downsize some of my dishes and else. Some set aside, some tossed. Gotta clean, clear.
Remember when I received grief about buying styrofoam bowls, for feeding the girls? Now, considering the source, I didn't take the reprimand seriously... if I could be wrong. He can be intractable. Anyway, I only bought that because there wasn't a choice. I thought them too light, flimsy, to work. Not only do they work well, hold up, but they clean up exceptionally well and easily. I have only had to replace a few, mostly from external abuse such as being stepped on. I don't have to waste water washing as with ceramic bowls, or toss the bowls after two or three meals as with paper bowls... all thr types I tried became nasty, fast. Super for feeding cats.
I'll probably be going back to bed shortly. But I will be digging in when I can stay awake. Later.
All night.
.
.
I didn't work all night. It took until now to complete what was to be done. I did more of this... less, fewer, or none of that. I did more than my list. After setting up dishes, I washed and set them back up. Couldn't finish them, no good place to put them. Washed them twice. But they are ready. Two loads of laundry. I need to check dryness of the first load. As soon as it is dry, I'll put the other load to dry. That'll be that for that.
Trash wasn't the first thing. It was the last. But... I started on it. Quite ready to finish off through the week. As well, the counter opening is well on it's way to a reality. My next wake cycle should see those completed. Finding empty boxes, and stacking them somewhere... where I can sit to process them, is next on the list. As well as sorting storage boxes down here, storing supplies better, and getting toss boxes down and or in a pile of their own.
I probably should stick to two 2 hour sessions a day, four days a week. Perhaps push at the end, if I see a way through to a neater finish. Too much more and I drop for a week or more. I can't push too hard. I break. Still, if I can open up those eight hours, as I have, I can see serious improvements.
Weeks to months. I will be ready or dead. All good.
.
I didn't work all night. It took until now to complete what was to be done. I did more of this... less, fewer, or none of that. I did more than my list. After setting up dishes, I washed and set them back up. Couldn't finish them, no good place to put them. Washed them twice. But they are ready. Two loads of laundry. I need to check dryness of the first load. As soon as it is dry, I'll put the other load to dry. That'll be that for that.
Trash wasn't the first thing. It was the last. But... I started on it. Quite ready to finish off through the week. As well, the counter opening is well on it's way to a reality. My next wake cycle should see those completed. Finding empty boxes, and stacking them somewhere... where I can sit to process them, is next on the list. As well as sorting storage boxes down here, storing supplies better, and getting toss boxes down and or in a pile of their own.
I probably should stick to two 2 hour sessions a day, four days a week. Perhaps push at the end, if I see a way through to a neater finish. Too much more and I drop for a week or more. I can't push too hard. I break. Still, if I can open up those eight hours, as I have, I can see serious improvements.
Weeks to months. I will be ready or dead. All good.
Sunday, May 3, 2020
Late AND early?
.
.
Ye-as. A day later than planned, but earlier (within what passes for my day). I... can't be sure if, or how, my day is changing. Losing or gaining hours. Sleeping once or twice a day. Two long naps, or whole extended sleeps? I'm... never... I don't... remember. At least I usually wake knowing where, and when, I am. Mostly.
A shower, plants in for a short spot after me... for their biweekly or monthly sip. No, they flourish. I need more. Then a few small loads of dishes set. Finally a load of laundry set. It doesn't sound like it is running... Yep! It is a quiet machine.
.
Ye-as. A day later than planned, but earlier (within what passes for my day). I... can't be sure if, or how, my day is changing. Losing or gaining hours. Sleeping once or twice a day. Two long naps, or whole extended sleeps? I'm... never... I don't... remember. At least I usually wake knowing where, and when, I am. Mostly.
A shower, plants in for a short spot after me... for their biweekly or monthly sip. No, they flourish. I need more. Then a few small loads of dishes set. Finally a load of laundry set. It doesn't sound like it is running... Yep! It is a quiet machine.
Saturday, May 2, 2020
A week lost.
.
.
No telling if the fall is over. I made plans last night, for the weekend... today. That box transfer, a load of laundry, a shower, a load of dishes, opening counter space, and putting sacks in trash cans while collecting trash. Finish it all? Dishes can be left to soak, but if so, two smaller loads. If laundry is put in late, then it can go until tomorrow.
Sleep was good. Most pains have subdued to the point they aren't, mostly, felt. I have to think about them to feel them. Which is avoided. Still, aspirin as I wake, so they won't come flooding back. I expect it to return. I am hoping to ease the return of pain. The fan makes life, sleep, reasonable. Hopefully the ac won't be needed for another month, regularly. But who knows. The girls were fed right away, as I slept long. And litter was refreshed right after. Fresh water after I shower. Ducks shortly. The ladies are doing super with their egg sitting. I don't know if that will work out, but I am hoping.
Yes. Plans. Up late, but that has no influence on work, save that I am well rested. I have so much to do and time is ticking. Is an important visitor truly on the way? Is it who I perceive? Why the visit I can't say, if so. Death, life, or... just... because. Excited. Insane? You probably should hope. Nothing is just about me. Nothing. A servant isn't... visited, for their own sake, even if for the servant's seeming sake. One as such is never simply passing through. I... will be ready, if it kills me.
Later.
.
No telling if the fall is over. I made plans last night, for the weekend... today. That box transfer, a load of laundry, a shower, a load of dishes, opening counter space, and putting sacks in trash cans while collecting trash. Finish it all? Dishes can be left to soak, but if so, two smaller loads. If laundry is put in late, then it can go until tomorrow.
Sleep was good. Most pains have subdued to the point they aren't, mostly, felt. I have to think about them to feel them. Which is avoided. Still, aspirin as I wake, so they won't come flooding back. I expect it to return. I am hoping to ease the return of pain. The fan makes life, sleep, reasonable. Hopefully the ac won't be needed for another month, regularly. But who knows. The girls were fed right away, as I slept long. And litter was refreshed right after. Fresh water after I shower. Ducks shortly. The ladies are doing super with their egg sitting. I don't know if that will work out, but I am hoping.
Yes. Plans. Up late, but that has no influence on work, save that I am well rested. I have so much to do and time is ticking. Is an important visitor truly on the way? Is it who I perceive? Why the visit I can't say, if so. Death, life, or... just... because. Excited. Insane? You probably should hope. Nothing is just about me. Nothing. A servant isn't... visited, for their own sake, even if for the servant's seeming sake. One as such is never simply passing through. I... will be ready, if it kills me.
Later.
Thursday, April 30, 2020
I thought...
.
.
I started seeing these in the lineup. I avoided them at first. Then I noticed "foamy". Could they be related to an infrequent visitor, somehow? I didn't think so. Only one way to be sure. Nope. But a few reminded me of my early years, my mom, and... So, I decided to present a few.
.
I started seeing these in the lineup. I avoided them at first. Then I noticed "foamy". Could they be related to an infrequent visitor, somehow? I didn't think so. Only one way to be sure. Nope. But a few reminded me of my early years, my mom, and... So, I decided to present a few.
Food isn't helping.
.
.
I had a small hope that food would help. Not only is it not helping, I am feeling ill from it. No, it's good. My body just isn't able to deal with it. The cats have been fed, litter and the ducks next. But that is it. Back to bed. I'll keep a lined pail nearby. Food may not stay down. Didn't have much, doesn't seem to matter.
Good night.
.
I had a small hope that food would help. Not only is it not helping, I am feeling ill from it. No, it's good. My body just isn't able to deal with it. The cats have been fed, litter and the ducks next. But that is it. Back to bed. I'll keep a lined pail nearby. Food may not stay down. Didn't have much, doesn't seem to matter.
Good night.
So much sleep.
.
.
Most of this week has been sleep. I wake for five to ten hours, then crash for ten to eighteen hours. I do wake, from time to time, during sleep. But it isn't sustainable. Either I never really wake, or I wake well but can't sustain, like a flash in the dark. It is getting warm, 70° to 71° up there, even at night. It is usually a bit cooler downstairs. With just the fan, so far, the heat is tolerable. Actually, I am usually cold.
It wasn't the knock on the noggin, if that isn't helping. A headache and the rest does return occasionally. But it is milder. Sleep is helping that. No other major problems, other than exhaustion while awake. Just of the body, the mind is clear. Minor aches and pains, aside. Aspirin isn't required.
I best try to do a few things. Feeding all, perhaps a load of laundry, cat litter, and changing that container box upstairs. If possible, breaking down the boxes upstairs. Best hurry, sleep is calling again. Hmm, actually, aspirin is required today. If I don't work, I can do without. The headache increased while just planning. All good, even if the pills don't work. Later.
.
Most of this week has been sleep. I wake for five to ten hours, then crash for ten to eighteen hours. I do wake, from time to time, during sleep. But it isn't sustainable. Either I never really wake, or I wake well but can't sustain, like a flash in the dark. It is getting warm, 70° to 71° up there, even at night. It is usually a bit cooler downstairs. With just the fan, so far, the heat is tolerable. Actually, I am usually cold.
It wasn't the knock on the noggin, if that isn't helping. A headache and the rest does return occasionally. But it is milder. Sleep is helping that. No other major problems, other than exhaustion while awake. Just of the body, the mind is clear. Minor aches and pains, aside. Aspirin isn't required.
I best try to do a few things. Feeding all, perhaps a load of laundry, cat litter, and changing that container box upstairs. If possible, breaking down the boxes upstairs. Best hurry, sleep is calling again. Hmm, actually, aspirin is required today. If I don't work, I can do without. The headache increased while just planning. All good, even if the pills don't work. Later.
Wednesday, April 29, 2020
A 15:00 wake.
.
.
It wasn't until 7:00 to 7:30 before I could sleep. I felt so good. The temperature was just right, it was the first painless session I have had in... I... can't even remember. I thought about working, but I knew that would bring back the pain. No, I wanted that little piece of a nearly normal life. I rode it until sleep arrived.
She came to me again. Rested with me. This time honestly. As a sister, cousin, platonic. She was with me every time I brushed consciousness. I sensed her even beyond. But... she... isn't a sister, or a cousin. And she is beautiful, sexy, feminine. I... almost made it. The failure was mine. I am not... that strong. If I am not sure I wish to be. Some strengths are flaws? I think so.
I dreamed of meeting some younger vocational in my faith. I began to notice peculiar absences, bruises and other marks. Antifa? Rioters? No, that wasn't it. Near. It took my mind a bit to "see" what the young priest, nun, and cohort of other vocational and avocational folk were about. It made an old, idealistic, aspect of myself beam with pride, a pride I have long since abandoned.
They were going into dark places, in civvies, passively resisting evils. Taking beatings without offering resistance, perhaps worse. I finally, once I had it down without a doubt, if without collecting evidence... if without any intention of doing so, requested a meeting with the young priest, he and I alone. I was certain he was the pack leader, although without official power save example.
I let him know I understood what they were doing. I let him process this. He remained quiet, attentive, cautious. I proceeded to explain something I don't think he knew... why. Sacrifice, justice, mercy, not, or always, in that order, and more. Penance, a sense of unworthiness, and more... but these would do as the majority of the majority. He... actually nodded, almost with relief. He really wanted to speak. Neither of us was quite ready for that yet.
I suggested I understood, if from a slightly different angle. I remember when dying for some perceived good seemed better than living in one's own sinful skin. Even when not acted, the thoughts, so sinful, itched to be released. His thurst for the young nun was plain for me to see. If her ardor was lost to their passion for sacrifice, a dangerous thing if awakened in flesh, tipping her one of two very dark ways. I see much.
I only suggested he, they, had more important duties than to tempt God, by casting themselves down, counting on angels... or in a way worse, not counting on God to spare them. To live, humbly, with the vices of flesh, with only divine mercy as a saving grace no matter their station or other graces.
To give their lives to humble, difficult, failing, limited service, and to find the rare joys in a simple, humble, uneventful slog to a long life of gifting himself to the ungrateful. No, it isn't sexy. But pain, even provoked death, isn't the way to salvation. An unprovoked martyrdom is an express ticket. A provoked death is merely suicide.
I told him some of my story, basically service in suffering. It's not fancy glorious or dignified, but it seems to be what God asks of me. I don't know if it is enough for all. If I don't seem to have been given a choice. I also told him one of his crew was about to die from a not-yet received aneurysm. And one of the women, shortly thereafter, would lose a baby she didn't know was there.
I didn't press, or talk of it again. I did notice the bruises heal, mostly not returning... over time. The nun became pregnant. Things became tense, then peace was found. And life went on. Harshly, simply, humbly, but... as rightly as we dare, can. Amen.
.
It wasn't until 7:00 to 7:30 before I could sleep. I felt so good. The temperature was just right, it was the first painless session I have had in... I... can't even remember. I thought about working, but I knew that would bring back the pain. No, I wanted that little piece of a nearly normal life. I rode it until sleep arrived.
She came to me again. Rested with me. This time honestly. As a sister, cousin, platonic. She was with me every time I brushed consciousness. I sensed her even beyond. But... she... isn't a sister, or a cousin. And she is beautiful, sexy, feminine. I... almost made it. The failure was mine. I am not... that strong. If I am not sure I wish to be. Some strengths are flaws? I think so.
I dreamed of meeting some younger vocational in my faith. I began to notice peculiar absences, bruises and other marks. Antifa? Rioters? No, that wasn't it. Near. It took my mind a bit to "see" what the young priest, nun, and cohort of other vocational and avocational folk were about. It made an old, idealistic, aspect of myself beam with pride, a pride I have long since abandoned.
They were going into dark places, in civvies, passively resisting evils. Taking beatings without offering resistance, perhaps worse. I finally, once I had it down without a doubt, if without collecting evidence... if without any intention of doing so, requested a meeting with the young priest, he and I alone. I was certain he was the pack leader, although without official power save example.
I let him know I understood what they were doing. I let him process this. He remained quiet, attentive, cautious. I proceeded to explain something I don't think he knew... why. Sacrifice, justice, mercy, not, or always, in that order, and more. Penance, a sense of unworthiness, and more... but these would do as the majority of the majority. He... actually nodded, almost with relief. He really wanted to speak. Neither of us was quite ready for that yet.
I suggested I understood, if from a slightly different angle. I remember when dying for some perceived good seemed better than living in one's own sinful skin. Even when not acted, the thoughts, so sinful, itched to be released. His thurst for the young nun was plain for me to see. If her ardor was lost to their passion for sacrifice, a dangerous thing if awakened in flesh, tipping her one of two very dark ways. I see much.
I only suggested he, they, had more important duties than to tempt God, by casting themselves down, counting on angels... or in a way worse, not counting on God to spare them. To live, humbly, with the vices of flesh, with only divine mercy as a saving grace no matter their station or other graces.
To give their lives to humble, difficult, failing, limited service, and to find the rare joys in a simple, humble, uneventful slog to a long life of gifting himself to the ungrateful. No, it isn't sexy. But pain, even provoked death, isn't the way to salvation. An unprovoked martyrdom is an express ticket. A provoked death is merely suicide.
I told him some of my story, basically service in suffering. It's not fancy glorious or dignified, but it seems to be what God asks of me. I don't know if it is enough for all. If I don't seem to have been given a choice. I also told him one of his crew was about to die from a not-yet received aneurysm. And one of the women, shortly thereafter, would lose a baby she didn't know was there.
I didn't press, or talk of it again. I did notice the bruises heal, mostly not returning... over time. The nun became pregnant. Things became tense, then peace was found. And life went on. Harshly, simply, humbly, but... as rightly as we dare, can. Amen.
Couldn't sleep.
.
.
The headache and nausea were too severe. Aspirin did it's work, slowly. As I browsed what little of the world isn't hidden through duplicitous deceit and overt and covert censorship, the various difficulties dissipated. It took a while. I could have gone to bed an hour or two ago, but it felt so good being temporarily pain free, that I have enjoyed the moments. Hard headed, to be sure.
Thankful, for the pain. The appreciation for the scant fleeting moments without it is greater than the boredom of never knowing the difference. A little more balance would be pleasant. Who has the time for pleasantries? Oddly? No bump or sore spot where I hit. Must have hit it flat on flat, not on a corner. All good.
I'll be turning in shortly. Then trying to get to my list the next time I wake. Perhaps tending the litter box, then having a snack after. It is good to feel like I don't hurt, for a while. No worries, I'll dig my way back into pain shortly. It, I am beginning to think, is part of why I am still here. I do it well.
Later. Good night. Good morning.
.
The headache and nausea were too severe. Aspirin did it's work, slowly. As I browsed what little of the world isn't hidden through duplicitous deceit and overt and covert censorship, the various difficulties dissipated. It took a while. I could have gone to bed an hour or two ago, but it felt so good being temporarily pain free, that I have enjoyed the moments. Hard headed, to be sure.
Thankful, for the pain. The appreciation for the scant fleeting moments without it is greater than the boredom of never knowing the difference. A little more balance would be pleasant. Who has the time for pleasantries? Oddly? No bump or sore spot where I hit. Must have hit it flat on flat, not on a corner. All good.
I'll be turning in shortly. Then trying to get to my list the next time I wake. Perhaps tending the litter box, then having a snack after. It is good to feel like I don't hurt, for a while. No worries, I'll dig my way back into pain shortly. It, I am beginning to think, is part of why I am still here. I do it well.
Later. Good night. Good morning.
Banged that drum.
.
.
While toodling around, trying to do something or other, I hit my head hard. Ran into wood, but size and sturdiness negated any believed give from the material. At first I thought it would be a simple forgive and forget. Then my hearing was off. I thought, perhaps, it just caused nasal backfill, but that wasn't it.
It was as if my listening organs were dislodged from my receiver. As if they were out of sync, sideways to each other. Then a headache set in. I had to sleep. A bit after midnight the girls reminded me I had not fed them. I hadn't eaten either. So I crawled out. It was tough getting up. I have well and truly wrung my clock.
Hearing is back to normal. Tinnitus is a bit more pronounced, the headache with the addition of leaving me slightly nauseous exists, and now my neck bones are off, out, sore. A dose of aspirin and a bite, after feeding the girls, and it is back to bed.
I had never tasted a cured beef. Similar to a cured ham? I recently bought some to try. Along with cheeses. It's not really my thing, but I will try not to waste. Live and learn. They suggest capers, lemon juice, and olive oil... also commonly served with beef tartare. I may seek other ideas as well. Perhaps diced into a salad.
Wow. I hit hard. Ugh. At least hearing has normalized. Oh, ouch. Good night.
.
While toodling around, trying to do something or other, I hit my head hard. Ran into wood, but size and sturdiness negated any believed give from the material. At first I thought it would be a simple forgive and forget. Then my hearing was off. I thought, perhaps, it just caused nasal backfill, but that wasn't it.
It was as if my listening organs were dislodged from my receiver. As if they were out of sync, sideways to each other. Then a headache set in. I had to sleep. A bit after midnight the girls reminded me I had not fed them. I hadn't eaten either. So I crawled out. It was tough getting up. I have well and truly wrung my clock.
Hearing is back to normal. Tinnitus is a bit more pronounced, the headache with the addition of leaving me slightly nauseous exists, and now my neck bones are off, out, sore. A dose of aspirin and a bite, after feeding the girls, and it is back to bed.
I had never tasted a cured beef. Similar to a cured ham? I recently bought some to try. Along with cheeses. It's not really my thing, but I will try not to waste. Live and learn. They suggest capers, lemon juice, and olive oil... also commonly served with beef tartare. I may seek other ideas as well. Perhaps diced into a salad.
Wow. I hit hard. Ugh. At least hearing has normalized. Oh, ouch. Good night.
Tuesday, April 28, 2020
Lots and lots of sleep.
.
.
And problems.
I called my bank. Too late, they said, to cancel one of the bills. In spite of telling me last month they wouldn't pay accounts early. My bank seems to be working with creditors, against me, in an attempt to create overdrafts and other fees and charges. I have changed some things Which should end that. As well, I will be fixing other problems.
I heard the doorbell. Then knocking. Shortly after waking. Couldn't find a cover... hat. Still, peaked out. Didn't see a vehicle in my drive. If there was a vehicle out front, I would have had to look in such a way as to be seen. So I didn't look. Shortly after I heard a vehicle moving. It was my known neighbor. I texted him. Nothing back.
And, for the last bit of time, days, a week or two, her. Several of them? It is difficult, the celibate life. Real, imagined, memory, ghost, an actual psychic reaching out... or tease, or else, I cannot say. It does stress my way and will. She has to know the price. It is available, but costs a ring. On the good side, my price frightens her a lot more than her offer disturbs me.
.
And problems.
I called my bank. Too late, they said, to cancel one of the bills. In spite of telling me last month they wouldn't pay accounts early. My bank seems to be working with creditors, against me, in an attempt to create overdrafts and other fees and charges. I have changed some things Which should end that. As well, I will be fixing other problems.
I heard the doorbell. Then knocking. Shortly after waking. Couldn't find a cover... hat. Still, peaked out. Didn't see a vehicle in my drive. If there was a vehicle out front, I would have had to look in such a way as to be seen. So I didn't look. Shortly after I heard a vehicle moving. It was my known neighbor. I texted him. Nothing back.
And, for the last bit of time, days, a week or two, her. Several of them? It is difficult, the celibate life. Real, imagined, memory, ghost, an actual psychic reaching out... or tease, or else, I cannot say. It does stress my way and will. She has to know the price. It is available, but costs a ring. On the good side, my price frightens her a lot more than her offer disturbs me.
Phantom alarm.
.
.
Okay, well, no. The alarm was real. However, I hadn't turned it on. It hasn't been on since I changed batteries a month ago. Nonetheless it went off at midnight. Just one. Though they probably both defaulted to midnight, or 00:00. I hadn't touched the alarm since before midnight yesterday, thus phantom.
The fan is helping, but it was 69° F upstairs, 68° downstairs, with the furnace set at 66°. I will have to open things up. That is getting too warm for sleep, yet it can't be so warm that ac is already needed? Ugh. Open the downstairs during the day, upstairs at night? Until it gets too hot out there. That might be nearly here. The weather isn't what it used to be. The weathermen will tell you, no matter what happens, it is manmade, even when men aren't doing anything. Or... have they piped that bs down? Is... anybody watching?
I fed the girls right off. I will tend their litter before going back to bed... whenever that is... probably in two to five hours. I may not be able to do more than little and light work tomorrow. Changing out the box, perhaps using the riding mower if needed, and setting up a small load of dishes after opening up a counter. Even that may be between sleep sessions. Assuming it doesn't rain.
Everything I try to do is conditional. If this, then that. When or where this or that, then those. Some say that is true for all, but not to this extent. Oh, right, I have to start meds back up. Crap, always something. Yea, a light load tomorrow. A shower yet tonight. Medicine reset. Ugh. Later or good night again.
.
Okay, well, no. The alarm was real. However, I hadn't turned it on. It hasn't been on since I changed batteries a month ago. Nonetheless it went off at midnight. Just one. Though they probably both defaulted to midnight, or 00:00. I hadn't touched the alarm since before midnight yesterday, thus phantom.
The fan is helping, but it was 69° F upstairs, 68° downstairs, with the furnace set at 66°. I will have to open things up. That is getting too warm for sleep, yet it can't be so warm that ac is already needed? Ugh. Open the downstairs during the day, upstairs at night? Until it gets too hot out there. That might be nearly here. The weather isn't what it used to be. The weathermen will tell you, no matter what happens, it is manmade, even when men aren't doing anything. Or... have they piped that bs down? Is... anybody watching?
I fed the girls right off. I will tend their litter before going back to bed... whenever that is... probably in two to five hours. I may not be able to do more than little and light work tomorrow. Changing out the box, perhaps using the riding mower if needed, and setting up a small load of dishes after opening up a counter. Even that may be between sleep sessions. Assuming it doesn't rain.
Everything I try to do is conditional. If this, then that. When or where this or that, then those. Some say that is true for all, but not to this extent. Oh, right, I have to start meds back up. Crap, always something. Yea, a light load tomorrow. A shower yet tonight. Medicine reset. Ugh. Later or good night again.
Monday, April 27, 2020
Hours.
.
.
It took hours, after feeding the girls, to feed and tend the ducks. Both have very good nests going. Not sure it will end in ducklings, but I am pulling for them. We will see. I also ate myself and treated the girls. Running out of treats, so rationing. Still, it beats nothing. And they nibble anything I don't finish.
Still dark out. Not cold but cool. I am about to go down again. Not as grumpy of body and mind. If heading toward insomnia if care isn't taken... given. Some of it is age. Some of it health. If the majority is recent efforts. I keep pushing to see if there might be a way through, over, under, or around. The risk is insomnia.
Still, being this exhausted from work is a good thing. Much as having shame, while difficult, is better by far than not having it. So very, nearly deathly tired. So tired I sweat? Or is that from the pain? Can't wake enough to discern fully. Not sure if that is the only difficulty understanding. Proximity to death confuses too.
Good night, or more.
.
It took hours, after feeding the girls, to feed and tend the ducks. Both have very good nests going. Not sure it will end in ducklings, but I am pulling for them. We will see. I also ate myself and treated the girls. Running out of treats, so rationing. Still, it beats nothing. And they nibble anything I don't finish.
Still dark out. Not cold but cool. I am about to go down again. Not as grumpy of body and mind. If heading toward insomnia if care isn't taken... given. Some of it is age. Some of it health. If the majority is recent efforts. I keep pushing to see if there might be a way through, over, under, or around. The risk is insomnia.
Still, being this exhausted from work is a good thing. Much as having shame, while difficult, is better by far than not having it. So very, nearly deathly tired. So tired I sweat? Or is that from the pain? Can't wake enough to discern fully. Not sure if that is the only difficulty understanding. Proximity to death confuses too.
Good night, or more.
The sun went under.
.
.
Clouds must either have formed, had just a stitch open to the east, or blown in or closed. Whatever the case, I don't remember what I had done or been unsuccessfully trying to do. I do know I had set the timer to feed the critters, but shut it down seven and change minutes before it sounded.
I didn't know much, only that I couldn't do those chores. I was failing so hard, terribly, fast. I don't remember going upstairs, or resetting the bed. One blanket? I remember the last part. I didn't question my previous unremembered decision at that point. I don't remember crawling in. I did, right then, realize how it was possible. Shade from the sun didn't make it possible, it left no options.
It was up to a quarter before or likely after ten when I went down. It was about 15:30 when I woke. Mostly to do the groundhog thing, and feed critters. When the ducks get theirs, I'll probably crash again. I am probably going to sleep a day or two. Yea, I overdid recently. And, when I can stand without wobbling, I will do more.
Other than that box needing reboxed, and the removal of toss boxes as possible, the upstairs is done. Downstairs? *sigh* There is only... everything. As written prior, I do have plans. Opening a place to dry dishes, and starting in on those. As well, collecting empty boxes, wherever they may be, then breaking down non-keepers. It is good to have a small stack of sturdy boxes ready to enlist quickly. As well, begin going through boxes with items as I find them.
It might be a day or two before I can start. I hurt, as if being stepped on, with everything inside wanting to get out, tired beyond my means to stay awake. If the sun isn't blasting me. Lungs on fire, with insomnia trying to take control. Muscles to ligaments strained, which hurt right to bones. But the call is more potent than pain, right to risking life... if it looks more like my body shuts down as I reach that point.
Still, I am happy with it. I just wish I had a way to push through. All ahead full, damn the torpedos. Later, or much later.
.
Clouds must either have formed, had just a stitch open to the east, or blown in or closed. Whatever the case, I don't remember what I had done or been unsuccessfully trying to do. I do know I had set the timer to feed the critters, but shut it down seven and change minutes before it sounded.
I didn't know much, only that I couldn't do those chores. I was failing so hard, terribly, fast. I don't remember going upstairs, or resetting the bed. One blanket? I remember the last part. I didn't question my previous unremembered decision at that point. I don't remember crawling in. I did, right then, realize how it was possible. Shade from the sun didn't make it possible, it left no options.
It was up to a quarter before or likely after ten when I went down. It was about 15:30 when I woke. Mostly to do the groundhog thing, and feed critters. When the ducks get theirs, I'll probably crash again. I am probably going to sleep a day or two. Yea, I overdid recently. And, when I can stand without wobbling, I will do more.
Other than that box needing reboxed, and the removal of toss boxes as possible, the upstairs is done. Downstairs? *sigh* There is only... everything. As written prior, I do have plans. Opening a place to dry dishes, and starting in on those. As well, collecting empty boxes, wherever they may be, then breaking down non-keepers. It is good to have a small stack of sturdy boxes ready to enlist quickly. As well, begin going through boxes with items as I find them.
It might be a day or two before I can start. I hurt, as if being stepped on, with everything inside wanting to get out, tired beyond my means to stay awake. If the sun isn't blasting me. Lungs on fire, with insomnia trying to take control. Muscles to ligaments strained, which hurt right to bones. But the call is more potent than pain, right to risking life... if it looks more like my body shuts down as I reach that point.
Still, I am happy with it. I just wish I had a way to push through. All ahead full, damn the torpedos. Later, or much later.
A terrible few days.
.
.
I tried Saturday and Sunday to gather trash, in order to get it out and then to the curb. I could not. Sampson after his haircut. I have some time yet today. I... can't. The weight I feel on me, crushing me. I am only awake because, for the first day in weeks, the sun is out full force.
I am either too hot or too cold, always, lately. I had windows open and a fan going last night, after suffering frequent overheating while sleeping. The heat from the sun that poured in this morning was horrendous, and the light. Fine, I surrendered. No matter how bad I felt, I couldn't sneak past that and back to sleep. If I absolutely have to sleep in the day, it looks like the closet, with ac.
While waking, I remembered embarrassing bad deeds. It was not intended, this aspect of it. Not all we do is meant to be noticed, even if thought alone, that isn't always the case. Too long ago to do a curative. And, actually, awareness came too late to have apologized. At least I know shame, even nearly forty years later. Technically not a sin? I am claiming it, if not enumerated as such.
Actually, though, while a terrible feeling, a gift. I spent the rotten hour waking praying, and weeping before God. In gratitude... that I may know shame, that I didn't continue along that path, that none were hurt worse... that I may yet seek forgiveness if only vicariously through God. There is something about shame that makes physical pain easier to bear. It doesn't remove it. I am still stricken. I suppose it acts as penance? It's definitely in that ballpark. Not enough to get the trash out, but...
Funny that. After trying to believe I was a good guy, to coming full circle to being grateful to face pieces of my dark truths. Who'd a thunk it.
Oh, well, good morning.
.
I tried Saturday and Sunday to gather trash, in order to get it out and then to the curb. I could not. Sampson after his haircut. I have some time yet today. I... can't. The weight I feel on me, crushing me. I am only awake because, for the first day in weeks, the sun is out full force.
I am either too hot or too cold, always, lately. I had windows open and a fan going last night, after suffering frequent overheating while sleeping. The heat from the sun that poured in this morning was horrendous, and the light. Fine, I surrendered. No matter how bad I felt, I couldn't sneak past that and back to sleep. If I absolutely have to sleep in the day, it looks like the closet, with ac.
While waking, I remembered embarrassing bad deeds. It was not intended, this aspect of it. Not all we do is meant to be noticed, even if thought alone, that isn't always the case. Too long ago to do a curative. And, actually, awareness came too late to have apologized. At least I know shame, even nearly forty years later. Technically not a sin? I am claiming it, if not enumerated as such.
Actually, though, while a terrible feeling, a gift. I spent the rotten hour waking praying, and weeping before God. In gratitude... that I may know shame, that I didn't continue along that path, that none were hurt worse... that I may yet seek forgiveness if only vicariously through God. There is something about shame that makes physical pain easier to bear. It doesn't remove it. I am still stricken. I suppose it acts as penance? It's definitely in that ballpark. Not enough to get the trash out, but...
Funny that. After trying to believe I was a good guy, to coming full circle to being grateful to face pieces of my dark truths. Who'd a thunk it.
Oh, well, good morning.
Sunday, April 26, 2020
Saturday, April 25, 2020
One, the other, perhaps both.
.
.
It would appear she, or a proxy, suggests things. So real to one I once knew.
.
It would appear she, or a proxy, suggests things. So real to one I once knew.
America First Credit and Comcast
.
.
Both companies are trying to pull money from my account before I receive income, and at the end of my pay period when I have no money. My bank, the bank of Utah, told me, initially, that was between me and them, indirectly. I called them and told them I am their customer and I have this arranged as is. I expect them to uphold the agreement.
I was told all they can do is reject the payment, which might break autopay. Fine, I said. It has been the last two months with Comcast. It was taken care of, with the bank, who ate overdraft charges this time. I have been unable to contact Comcast since then. My system can't use their online service and their phone system isn't getting through.
I just received email notification from AFC. I made it quite clear that trying to steal money early, that isn't there, will be rejected by my bank. They are just trying to create overage fees and other such to pad their wallets. I won't let them. I may have to find a different Internet service and return the car. Play nice or lose hard.
.
Both companies are trying to pull money from my account before I receive income, and at the end of my pay period when I have no money. My bank, the bank of Utah, told me, initially, that was between me and them, indirectly. I called them and told them I am their customer and I have this arranged as is. I expect them to uphold the agreement.
I was told all they can do is reject the payment, which might break autopay. Fine, I said. It has been the last two months with Comcast. It was taken care of, with the bank, who ate overdraft charges this time. I have been unable to contact Comcast since then. My system can't use their online service and their phone system isn't getting through.
I just received email notification from AFC. I made it quite clear that trying to steal money early, that isn't there, will be rejected by my bank. They are just trying to create overage fees and other such to pad their wallets. I won't let them. I may have to find a different Internet service and return the car. Play nice or lose hard.
Up very late.
.
.
It was possible to wake at eight. Mentally. I woke, and was ready of mind. But my body hurt, pretty much everywhere. I have muscle knots akin to charlie horses where shoulder and arm muscles knit. Both arms. Not as severe, but perpetual. Had them for two days now. All other muscle groups are a quarter excessively stressed, right to ligaments and bones. Another quarter are stressed enough to be tired all the time.
No, I decided to sleep in. I woke at ten, noon, then thirteen hundred. I don't know that it helped, but it didn't hurt. Up at thirteen hundred.
While the weekend, I wanted to finish efforts for the week. Plus, it looked like easy work, quick. Not so much. I ended up needing three boxes, two for keepers, one for toss. Then to fill them. Not bad, if doing it correctly took time. Then, with everything neatly stacked, I started clearing parts of the now more open floor, in sections, to vacuum.
That is what killed. Three sections, cords, to a cot, to a fully loaded pack, here to there to over there, and twice for most of it. Then zoom-zoom. Vacuuming is a chore, especially with this brute machine. Every third, I had to move or replace a ton of items. But, all of the open floor has been well vacuumed, bigger items picked up beforehand, and now everything put back in a, probably, final placement.
It only took a few hours. Two and smaller change. It wasn't the time that surprised me, or the most. It was the work involved. It was a lot more than I had calculated. Okies. All good. It is done, it is the weekend, I am going to relax a bit. Feeding the ducks, cats, and myself, etc., hoping to shower each day. And collecting and removing trash is my weekend goal. And sleeping as needed and wanted between those things.
To be ready for a new start Monday morning. I have one box of keepers I would like to rebox, then tear down and remove the broken boxes up there. Then start sorting boxes downstairs. Locating empties and tearing them down as that group gets to a certain size. As well, shredding old mail. Finally, continue storing items.
None of that will be straightforward. There will be a ton of tweener work. As a fact, there will be twice as much work between those tasks than those tasks themselves. It will be a serious load. As well, I am hoping to clear a place to begin air drying masses of dishes, and start in on those. Just a few rooms, and just that part, will take two weeks, at least. If more will be done in the doing.
I gave up on a dishwasher after the feds nixed quality for the environment. Perhaps the virus will reverse some of that. At this point, I will stick with hand washing. Though, on my new diet, I use a lot fewer items requiring washing. Utensils, roasting items once or twice a week (unless grilling), tea half gallon and quart jars which are only occasionally hit. Still, good cleaning solutions and reasonable washers would be worth a shot. Just no reason to pay a premium for inferior quality washing. Once I get much of this washed, I may box some of it. Later.
.
It was possible to wake at eight. Mentally. I woke, and was ready of mind. But my body hurt, pretty much everywhere. I have muscle knots akin to charlie horses where shoulder and arm muscles knit. Both arms. Not as severe, but perpetual. Had them for two days now. All other muscle groups are a quarter excessively stressed, right to ligaments and bones. Another quarter are stressed enough to be tired all the time.
No, I decided to sleep in. I woke at ten, noon, then thirteen hundred. I don't know that it helped, but it didn't hurt. Up at thirteen hundred.
While the weekend, I wanted to finish efforts for the week. Plus, it looked like easy work, quick. Not so much. I ended up needing three boxes, two for keepers, one for toss. Then to fill them. Not bad, if doing it correctly took time. Then, with everything neatly stacked, I started clearing parts of the now more open floor, in sections, to vacuum.
That is what killed. Three sections, cords, to a cot, to a fully loaded pack, here to there to over there, and twice for most of it. Then zoom-zoom. Vacuuming is a chore, especially with this brute machine. Every third, I had to move or replace a ton of items. But, all of the open floor has been well vacuumed, bigger items picked up beforehand, and now everything put back in a, probably, final placement.
It only took a few hours. Two and smaller change. It wasn't the time that surprised me, or the most. It was the work involved. It was a lot more than I had calculated. Okies. All good. It is done, it is the weekend, I am going to relax a bit. Feeding the ducks, cats, and myself, etc., hoping to shower each day. And collecting and removing trash is my weekend goal. And sleeping as needed and wanted between those things.
To be ready for a new start Monday morning. I have one box of keepers I would like to rebox, then tear down and remove the broken boxes up there. Then start sorting boxes downstairs. Locating empties and tearing them down as that group gets to a certain size. As well, shredding old mail. Finally, continue storing items.
None of that will be straightforward. There will be a ton of tweener work. As a fact, there will be twice as much work between those tasks than those tasks themselves. It will be a serious load. As well, I am hoping to clear a place to begin air drying masses of dishes, and start in on those. Just a few rooms, and just that part, will take two weeks, at least. If more will be done in the doing.
I gave up on a dishwasher after the feds nixed quality for the environment. Perhaps the virus will reverse some of that. At this point, I will stick with hand washing. Though, on my new diet, I use a lot fewer items requiring washing. Utensils, roasting items once or twice a week (unless grilling), tea half gallon and quart jars which are only occasionally hit. Still, good cleaning solutions and reasonable washers would be worth a shot. Just no reason to pay a premium for inferior quality washing. Once I get much of this washed, I may box some of it. Later.
Friday, April 24, 2020
Up early, at it fast.
.
.
Not at it hard, or heavy, just fast and early. I dug through the pile. Only five boxes to sort? Right. And two of them didn't need sorting. One was done, the other was a keeper. The majority of the task was taking apart the pile of empties and stacking the empties in a new better place. After that, I did some general straightening.
Not a lot of work. Not heavy work. But it was early and is consistent. And my heart really hurts. I don't know if that is a warning, or just an aspect of the illness. This is the longest I have pushed past it. I have worked for longer periods, but I didn't have this particular pain. Usually I close up shop when it presents, if after a project is complete... a day or three. Working through it this time. Called to work.
I found a box of Playboys, some of them unopened. I didn't open them. NYPD, nude... Downtown Julie Brown of once MTV fame, some other famous... infamous... ones. Must have been holdovers from a very long time ago. Going in the trash. Someone wondered about porn, and why. It is the fantasy of sex without risk... of disease, babies, a debt, a guilty conscience of a specific sort or set of sorts. It's just as wooden and dead as any other set of wrong turns. Didn't even open one. If I must see a nude, it will be in the flesh. With a ring on her finger. Definitely a thought.
So, finally, all boxes have been sorted. I didn't find a box for the bits left over from yesterday. A very little job for tomorrow. I wasn't up to messing with the cot. But a few small things were put in order or place. It has been a good week. And it isn't quite finished. The vacuum will go up soon. I'd like to powder the carpet first, with some freshener. I wonder if baking soda works?
I do need a few days of rest. Thus weekends! Oh, eating three salads every two days, and one to two fatted drinks, plus the work, over the last two weeks, I have... gained fifteen to twenty pounds? Yes. I have actually pushed water out with the work and diet. At first I almost wanted to cry. Then I measured my arms. I did that when starting in. An inch and change... around half... larger. Enough to cover the weight gain? Enough that I won't worry about it for now. Now I believe, more anyway, my memory of getting stretchmarks from working out when I really hit it. I don't need 'roids, if there is a size limit far less than strength limit.
I am beat. I don't want to be awake. I don't want to do anything else. I want to go back to bed. I didn't want to do what I did. It was a horrible struggle just to wake, rise. In two hours, if still wanted and I am able to sleep, a nap. Or sooner. Later.
.
Not at it hard, or heavy, just fast and early. I dug through the pile. Only five boxes to sort? Right. And two of them didn't need sorting. One was done, the other was a keeper. The majority of the task was taking apart the pile of empties and stacking the empties in a new better place. After that, I did some general straightening.
Not a lot of work. Not heavy work. But it was early and is consistent. And my heart really hurts. I don't know if that is a warning, or just an aspect of the illness. This is the longest I have pushed past it. I have worked for longer periods, but I didn't have this particular pain. Usually I close up shop when it presents, if after a project is complete... a day or three. Working through it this time. Called to work.
I found a box of Playboys, some of them unopened. I didn't open them. NYPD, nude... Downtown Julie Brown of once MTV fame, some other famous... infamous... ones. Must have been holdovers from a very long time ago. Going in the trash. Someone wondered about porn, and why. It is the fantasy of sex without risk... of disease, babies, a debt, a guilty conscience of a specific sort or set of sorts. It's just as wooden and dead as any other set of wrong turns. Didn't even open one. If I must see a nude, it will be in the flesh. With a ring on her finger. Definitely a thought.
So, finally, all boxes have been sorted. I didn't find a box for the bits left over from yesterday. A very little job for tomorrow. I wasn't up to messing with the cot. But a few small things were put in order or place. It has been a good week. And it isn't quite finished. The vacuum will go up soon. I'd like to powder the carpet first, with some freshener. I wonder if baking soda works?
I do need a few days of rest. Thus weekends! Oh, eating three salads every two days, and one to two fatted drinks, plus the work, over the last two weeks, I have... gained fifteen to twenty pounds? Yes. I have actually pushed water out with the work and diet. At first I almost wanted to cry. Then I measured my arms. I did that when starting in. An inch and change... around half... larger. Enough to cover the weight gain? Enough that I won't worry about it for now. Now I believe, more anyway, my memory of getting stretchmarks from working out when I really hit it. I don't need 'roids, if there is a size limit far less than strength limit.
I am beat. I don't want to be awake. I don't want to do anything else. I want to go back to bed. I didn't want to do what I did. It was a horrible struggle just to wake, rise. In two hours, if still wanted and I am able to sleep, a nap. Or sooner. Later.
Thursday, April 23, 2020
Running low.
.
.
Coffee. I went to instant a while ago. Much easier to store, use. I have a month, maybe two, left. Before I remembered to check, it doubled in price. While... considering, in a day or two, it simply became unavailable. I have rationed to one shot of the stuff a day. When I get to the last jar, I will cut it to every other day.
I have enough tea to last four to six months? Hard to tell. Bits and parts of my plans fall. I will just go without as I run out. I won't chase excessively priced items. As with steak, and most meats, I have backed off... rare treats, very rare. Perhaps it might yet be available, or become available again. I have my doubts.
I can't be sure how long shortages will exist. In part that depends on how many people die. Though some of it is based on what remains of global markets, globalization, and the value of the dollar. None of those are looking good. The dollar has the best hope. But fiat based on debt is death to the economy sooner or later. And, truly, we aren't later, we are laterer.
Going without, one way or another, is the future. Down to a salad or two, a portion of packaged meat, a fatted coffee, and a fatted tea per day. I have a few packs of pasta left, but that isn't good for me, and there isn't much left. I wonder if that is still available at the stores?
Just... realizing what all is happening. Oh, and I am freezing. It isn't that cold. Couldn't get very warm last night either. All good. I'll make it through. Later.
.
Coffee. I went to instant a while ago. Much easier to store, use. I have a month, maybe two, left. Before I remembered to check, it doubled in price. While... considering, in a day or two, it simply became unavailable. I have rationed to one shot of the stuff a day. When I get to the last jar, I will cut it to every other day.
I have enough tea to last four to six months? Hard to tell. Bits and parts of my plans fall. I will just go without as I run out. I won't chase excessively priced items. As with steak, and most meats, I have backed off... rare treats, very rare. Perhaps it might yet be available, or become available again. I have my doubts.
I can't be sure how long shortages will exist. In part that depends on how many people die. Though some of it is based on what remains of global markets, globalization, and the value of the dollar. None of those are looking good. The dollar has the best hope. But fiat based on debt is death to the economy sooner or later. And, truly, we aren't later, we are laterer.
Going without, one way or another, is the future. Down to a salad or two, a portion of packaged meat, a fatted coffee, and a fatted tea per day. I have a few packs of pasta left, but that isn't good for me, and there isn't much left. I wonder if that is still available at the stores?
Just... realizing what all is happening. Oh, and I am freezing. It isn't that cold. Couldn't get very warm last night either. All good. I'll make it through. Later.
Losing the day.
.
.
Slower than I had been. An hour every other day. In part the darkness of late, in part a difficulty getting to bed early. Insomnia is attempting a return. I am throwing everything I have at it. Slipping. I'll... keep trying. Doing miraculously well, given the, if puny to you, massive increase in my work load. Other things, everything?, are, is, slipping? Maybe. But I still sense approach, as the sun slowly warning my face.
I hit it this morning. All boxes sorted. I have books, keepers, I need to find a small box within which to fit and store the tombs. Utah has been very good to the books. Still, many are going. Then I stowed the tent, roughly. The cot was wrestled. I lost, to point. But I have a crowbar, intent, and time on my side.
After finishing, and neatening, I... noticed something. More boxes to sort. My heart fell. I didn't have it in me to count. Besides, they are partially buried under a pile of empties I have created. Not many, no more than six to eight probably. Tomorrow. As with the cot, I will tear the empties, sort that last group, and complete the cot.
After? Figuring how to get rid of the boxes up there, the toss boxes. Even without that, it is really improving up there. It is an open studio, really. Say 12' to 15', by 25' to 30', freshly carpeted, with cutouts into the area for the staircase and banister, plus a closet that is more an addition to the old chimney. It has flagstone window platforms built into the thick stone walls, which where recently renovated with new drywall and carpeting.
It is a neat space. Completed with window dressings and ac, it is perfect. Cool to cold in the winter, but that is my idea of ideal. It finally is visible and viable for three quarters of the floor, rather than a quarter of it. Boxes, cot, and tent, and other thingsm, were sprawled. Now to create a small office and entertainment area up there.
Ugh, but people, I hurt. I hurt good, or hard. It is with purpose, but it is intense. Am I dying, again? No, not yet. Probably. I will continue the treatments. I can't let my fear of the unknown jeopardize progress, by Jobe. Later.
.
Slower than I had been. An hour every other day. In part the darkness of late, in part a difficulty getting to bed early. Insomnia is attempting a return. I am throwing everything I have at it. Slipping. I'll... keep trying. Doing miraculously well, given the, if puny to you, massive increase in my work load. Other things, everything?, are, is, slipping? Maybe. But I still sense approach, as the sun slowly warning my face.
I hit it this morning. All boxes sorted. I have books, keepers, I need to find a small box within which to fit and store the tombs. Utah has been very good to the books. Still, many are going. Then I stowed the tent, roughly. The cot was wrestled. I lost, to point. But I have a crowbar, intent, and time on my side.
After finishing, and neatening, I... noticed something. More boxes to sort. My heart fell. I didn't have it in me to count. Besides, they are partially buried under a pile of empties I have created. Not many, no more than six to eight probably. Tomorrow. As with the cot, I will tear the empties, sort that last group, and complete the cot.
After? Figuring how to get rid of the boxes up there, the toss boxes. Even without that, it is really improving up there. It is an open studio, really. Say 12' to 15', by 25' to 30', freshly carpeted, with cutouts into the area for the staircase and banister, plus a closet that is more an addition to the old chimney. It has flagstone window platforms built into the thick stone walls, which where recently renovated with new drywall and carpeting.
It is a neat space. Completed with window dressings and ac, it is perfect. Cool to cold in the winter, but that is my idea of ideal. It finally is visible and viable for three quarters of the floor, rather than a quarter of it. Boxes, cot, and tent, and other thingsm, were sprawled. Now to create a small office and entertainment area up there.
Ugh, but people, I hurt. I hurt good, or hard. It is with purpose, but it is intense. Am I dying, again? No, not yet. Probably. I will continue the treatments. I can't let my fear of the unknown jeopardize progress, by Jobe. Later.
Wednesday, April 22, 2020
Just don't get it.
.
.
Mercy? If it were mine to give, and it has been, there is a long line who received.
.
Mercy? If it were mine to give, and it has been, there is a long line who received.
First things first.
.
.
Definitely before, this morning. Downstairs is a gravity well trap, in more ways than one. A single but very solid session. And, with just one more session after the last push, it looks amazing up there! I have exactly twelve boxes to go through, if also a tent to put away properly and a cot to set back up.
I may use the cot for naps. Or, from time to time, as a sun shield. Even with ac, the sun is brutal, no matter what else. I may also set my electronic piano up, up there, now. I need a speaker for it though, and maybe new headsets? Or get the thing fixed. Worth it, to play again.
Plans are made for more work today. I may even check the lawn. I don't think I have the weedwhip, if I don't I am up to that I could mow on the riding lawnmower. Though, I think, it has been hit. Something, this afternoon, though. Oh, and trash collection and resetting bags in cans, maybe washing them out, those which need it. Actually, cleaning and emptying, after filling, trash cans, would do for an afternoon exposition on home décor. ;p
A shower, in two hours, after feeding, watering, hay and litter care for the critters. Doing well. But it hurts to do. Now, almost any work, even standing for half an hour, causes me to sweat profusely. I swear, I even go into my mind, see what work I hope or plan to do, and I begin to sweat. It's 66° in here, a bit cooler upstairs. I am in socks and shorts. Burn.
Oh. Someone thinks he is funny.
Maybe. But he still talks funny.
On to my dailies and waking routine. Good day.
.
Definitely before, this morning. Downstairs is a gravity well trap, in more ways than one. A single but very solid session. And, with just one more session after the last push, it looks amazing up there! I have exactly twelve boxes to go through, if also a tent to put away properly and a cot to set back up.
I may use the cot for naps. Or, from time to time, as a sun shield. Even with ac, the sun is brutal, no matter what else. I may also set my electronic piano up, up there, now. I need a speaker for it though, and maybe new headsets? Or get the thing fixed. Worth it, to play again.
Plans are made for more work today. I may even check the lawn. I don't think I have the weedwhip, if I don't I am up to that I could mow on the riding lawnmower. Though, I think, it has been hit. Something, this afternoon, though. Oh, and trash collection and resetting bags in cans, maybe washing them out, those which need it. Actually, cleaning and emptying, after filling, trash cans, would do for an afternoon exposition on home décor. ;p
A shower, in two hours, after feeding, watering, hay and litter care for the critters. Doing well. But it hurts to do. Now, almost any work, even standing for half an hour, causes me to sweat profusely. I swear, I even go into my mind, see what work I hope or plan to do, and I begin to sweat. It's 66° in here, a bit cooler upstairs. I am in socks and shorts. Burn.
Oh. Someone thinks he is funny.
Maybe. But he still talks funny.
On to my dailies and waking routine. Good day.
Tuesday, April 21, 2020
Shower, ducks, and more.
.
.
More is still theory, but planned. A visitor, perhaps. To help, and help remove broken down boxes. I had some downstairs from downstairs, then grabbed the upstairs ones. I tossed them down. Not the best plan. Had to fight my way through. It was the equivalent of ten methhead 3rd graders. You don't want to know how I know.
I win.
---------------
As it turns out, a bit of the hoped work. Boxes and trash out, deposited. Then just a tiny bit of other work. Called off because the Boss was called to real work. Still, just removing cardboard was a very nice piece of work. If I can do more, it will be folding clothes. A basket, two, half.
Tomorrow? I really want to hit the upstairs again, first thing. I am getting somewhere with it, if it doesn't look it. Just one session. Then storage, items from front to back. Hopefully several boxes managed. The goal is to be done by noon, get a shower, then take a break until a bit of work in the afternoon.
Dinner, shortly. A fatted tea and salad. Cheese, chicken, and? Dressing, of course. Hmm, I should get fixings for vinaigrette. I truly love a homemade italian dressing. Mint this time, thyme and cracked pepper or a full Italian medley next. I even put in mystery herbs or spices for that exquisite touch none can name. I should create a very small list for the store, for once a month runs. Just the little things. I am trying to run a much more humble show from now on.
Not bad. While delayed, with what has been done today, I am almost at Wednesday of last week, and I only worked to Thursday. Cheers. And later.
.
More is still theory, but planned. A visitor, perhaps. To help, and help remove broken down boxes. I had some downstairs from downstairs, then grabbed the upstairs ones. I tossed them down. Not the best plan. Had to fight my way through. It was the equivalent of ten methhead 3rd graders. You don't want to know how I know.
I win.
---------------
As it turns out, a bit of the hoped work. Boxes and trash out, deposited. Then just a tiny bit of other work. Called off because the Boss was called to real work. Still, just removing cardboard was a very nice piece of work. If I can do more, it will be folding clothes. A basket, two, half.
Tomorrow? I really want to hit the upstairs again, first thing. I am getting somewhere with it, if it doesn't look it. Just one session. Then storage, items from front to back. Hopefully several boxes managed. The goal is to be done by noon, get a shower, then take a break until a bit of work in the afternoon.
Dinner, shortly. A fatted tea and salad. Cheese, chicken, and? Dressing, of course. Hmm, I should get fixings for vinaigrette. I truly love a homemade italian dressing. Mint this time, thyme and cracked pepper or a full Italian medley next. I even put in mystery herbs or spices for that exquisite touch none can name. I should create a very small list for the store, for once a month runs. Just the little things. I am trying to run a much more humble show from now on.
Not bad. While delayed, with what has been done today, I am almost at Wednesday of last week, and I only worked to Thursday. Cheers. And later.
Nothing.
.
.
Since Friday.
Until today. I meant to do a single session. I ended up doing three. I wanted to stop. My body was screaming to stop. I was overheating badly. But no. It... was pride. I kept looking for a spot to stop that looked better than when I started. I finally came to the conclusion that, because of the floor plan, and how finished toss and keep (for now) stacks of boxes were being arranged, that won't be possible until I begin evicting the toss boxes.
With three sessions in, I really got through a lot. All the partial boxes from my last session, a half a dozen more fresh, at least. More like ten to twelve, if the extras were already mostly empty or mainly trash. As well, I was able to break down a score of boxes, including huge ones, for my tv and lawn chairs. I even have them arranged for fast removal. Plus keepers and tosser boxes are not only individually neat, they are clearly and collectively neat and stored.
I did that before going downstairs, mostly. Or absolutely? I... can't exactly remember. Though I think I will side with an absolute, as I had to pee like a racehorse later, when I did go down. That is the only reason I would have gone downstairs beforehand. Though extended work can act as a diuretic. At least for me, after I have been down for days.
The rest of the day? If I can, more storage trips, the ducks, folding laundry... or crashing. It's 66° F, and I am sweating like a waterfall half an hour later. I became desperate to find a clean endpoint the last two hours, so kicked it up in panic... until control was lost and I had to just vacate the scene. Setting it up as well as possible before plopping into my chair. Still, there is hope. A shower, to be sure though. And quackles. Later.
.
Since Friday.
Until today. I meant to do a single session. I ended up doing three. I wanted to stop. My body was screaming to stop. I was overheating badly. But no. It... was pride. I kept looking for a spot to stop that looked better than when I started. I finally came to the conclusion that, because of the floor plan, and how finished toss and keep (for now) stacks of boxes were being arranged, that won't be possible until I begin evicting the toss boxes.
With three sessions in, I really got through a lot. All the partial boxes from my last session, a half a dozen more fresh, at least. More like ten to twelve, if the extras were already mostly empty or mainly trash. As well, I was able to break down a score of boxes, including huge ones, for my tv and lawn chairs. I even have them arranged for fast removal. Plus keepers and tosser boxes are not only individually neat, they are clearly and collectively neat and stored.
I did that before going downstairs, mostly. Or absolutely? I... can't exactly remember. Though I think I will side with an absolute, as I had to pee like a racehorse later, when I did go down. That is the only reason I would have gone downstairs beforehand. Though extended work can act as a diuretic. At least for me, after I have been down for days.
The rest of the day? If I can, more storage trips, the ducks, folding laundry... or crashing. It's 66° F, and I am sweating like a waterfall half an hour later. I became desperate to find a clean endpoint the last two hours, so kicked it up in panic... until control was lost and I had to just vacate the scene. Setting it up as well as possible before plopping into my chair. Still, there is hope. A shower, to be sure though. And quackles. Later.
Monday, April 20, 2020
Almost ready.
.
.
A shower, teeth brushing, first thing. Now to airdry and wake. No, nothing yesterday. Today is Monday, I will work this week. In and out, mostly without burgers and fries. Still a bit tight, sore, but ready for the next round. I woke without the cats bugging me, or strife. From last Monday to yesterday, almost every day was a struggle. Usually the girls were pushing too, not this morning for whatever reason.
Breakfast, shortly. A salad, with cheese and a packet of tuna or chicken. I am saving the salmon packages for special occasions. It's probably going to be my least favorite. But, it is the most rare, the most expensive, and the most exclusive of those offerings. I might as well play along. I suspect that is what most people do. Women even more than men, if to very good effect. No complaints, without even using that humble graced tool.
I also bought Spam. Probably my least favorite of the lot, but not horrible, reasonably edible, and inexpensive. Just minced pork butt (shoulder). Is the title versus actual name a testimony to pigs or butchers, I wonder? *smile* Don't... tell my butcher I wrote that. *grins* Oh, but the thing is, they have shuttered the plant that was producing that. A lot of plants are only going to come back when automated to a much higher degree. Not affordable in good times. No option in certain downtimes. A lot of, all but one highly automated plant is or will be closing.
Though wait until they realize everyone who can get it has gotten it. Though that won't account for reuptakes, slight changes, or simply that immunity may not be possible with this. Vaccines, for the most part, are bogus. I do believe president. Trump is on the right page.
He was there first, and at the right time. Opening up isn't an option. The stone throwers are tiered to throw stones, even if he followed their advice. He... has proven himself to be exceptional. Still... the wall. His number one promise. It will neither be completed nor enforced. As with drugs, illegals of certain sorts are given pathways in.
Now to eat, drink, and be... happy? ;p Later.
.
A shower, teeth brushing, first thing. Now to airdry and wake. No, nothing yesterday. Today is Monday, I will work this week. In and out, mostly without burgers and fries. Still a bit tight, sore, but ready for the next round. I woke without the cats bugging me, or strife. From last Monday to yesterday, almost every day was a struggle. Usually the girls were pushing too, not this morning for whatever reason.
Breakfast, shortly. A salad, with cheese and a packet of tuna or chicken. I am saving the salmon packages for special occasions. It's probably going to be my least favorite. But, it is the most rare, the most expensive, and the most exclusive of those offerings. I might as well play along. I suspect that is what most people do. Women even more than men, if to very good effect. No complaints, without even using that humble graced tool.
I also bought Spam. Probably my least favorite of the lot, but not horrible, reasonably edible, and inexpensive. Just minced pork butt (shoulder). Is the title versus actual name a testimony to pigs or butchers, I wonder? *smile* Don't... tell my butcher I wrote that. *grins* Oh, but the thing is, they have shuttered the plant that was producing that. A lot of plants are only going to come back when automated to a much higher degree. Not affordable in good times. No option in certain downtimes. A lot of, all but one highly automated plant is or will be closing.
Though wait until they realize everyone who can get it has gotten it. Though that won't account for reuptakes, slight changes, or simply that immunity may not be possible with this. Vaccines, for the most part, are bogus. I do believe president. Trump is on the right page.
He was there first, and at the right time. Opening up isn't an option. The stone throwers are tiered to throw stones, even if he followed their advice. He... has proven himself to be exceptional. Still... the wall. His number one promise. It will neither be completed nor enforced. As with drugs, illegals of certain sorts are given pathways in.
Now to eat, drink, and be... happy? ;p Later.
Sunday, April 19, 2020
Still off, sore, tired.
.
.
Doing nothing isn't helping, if doing more, if even possible, would increase distress. At least if too much were accomplished. Keeping warm helps, but not too warm. Lungs finally started burning yesterday, or I finally got down to were that level of pain was noticeable. Burning today as well. Everything hurts a bit, now, with one notable exception. My back doesn't hurt.
A benefit of sleeping on the floor. Is it just from sleeping on the floor, or with the addition of getting up off the floor, well and lowering down to the floor? I can definitely tell kidney pain now. If that is because I have fallen off meds for several days, all of it, because I have been off of both body and mind. I'll... get it. Today.
Medset ran out. Meds are in. I may pull several doses of insulin in advance, doing three days, roughly. That helps when I crash so very hard. I might be able to pop the slow acting stuff anyway. It is so difficult when I am falling asleep at bedtime, while trying not to get lost in insomnia.
As well, I have been eating bad foods. Trying to do a carb recover? I think that is what my hindbrain had in play. Or was it just the craving from the animal side? It no longer works. I can't tolerate the food well, it no longer tastes good. And it buffs diabetes. Not as much as I would have thought though. Yes, back to medicine and keto today. And some work too.
All said, I am sure I will get back to work this week. Actually, it was a five day week, since it started on Easter Sunday. I am hoping for a five day week, give or take, starting tomorrow. If possible, I would like to get a minor start today. We will see. Gotta wake a bit first. Oh, and aspirin! I forgot about that stuff! What an idjit! Later.
.
Doing nothing isn't helping, if doing more, if even possible, would increase distress. At least if too much were accomplished. Keeping warm helps, but not too warm. Lungs finally started burning yesterday, or I finally got down to were that level of pain was noticeable. Burning today as well. Everything hurts a bit, now, with one notable exception. My back doesn't hurt.
A benefit of sleeping on the floor. Is it just from sleeping on the floor, or with the addition of getting up off the floor, well and lowering down to the floor? I can definitely tell kidney pain now. If that is because I have fallen off meds for several days, all of it, because I have been off of both body and mind. I'll... get it. Today.
Medset ran out. Meds are in. I may pull several doses of insulin in advance, doing three days, roughly. That helps when I crash so very hard. I might be able to pop the slow acting stuff anyway. It is so difficult when I am falling asleep at bedtime, while trying not to get lost in insomnia.
As well, I have been eating bad foods. Trying to do a carb recover? I think that is what my hindbrain had in play. Or was it just the craving from the animal side? It no longer works. I can't tolerate the food well, it no longer tastes good. And it buffs diabetes. Not as much as I would have thought though. Yes, back to medicine and keto today. And some work too.
All said, I am sure I will get back to work this week. Actually, it was a five day week, since it started on Easter Sunday. I am hoping for a five day week, give or take, starting tomorrow. If possible, I would like to get a minor start today. We will see. Gotta wake a bit first. Oh, and aspirin! I forgot about that stuff! What an idjit! Later.
Saturday, April 18, 2020
Off and awful.
.
.
Sleep came much later. In part for the nap, in part for the pain. It feels as if my heart were being squeezed right in my chest, like a pitcher checking his grip or for flaws. Better this morning, should be ready by Monday. I couldn't stand, or really think, yesterday. I am hoping to do some very light work upstairs, and maybe just a bit else.
Beside sorting the last two boxes nearly completed before, I would like to tear down empty boxes upstairs. As well, wash those five to ten pieces I had set to soak, and take a shower. Shaving either yet today or tomorrow. If I have a bit more, perhaps folding a basket or two of laundry.
Nothing fancy, it won't be fast, I may not complete all, or any, of it. It is the plan and my intent. I really am getting things done, if working less than ten hours a week. Still, believe or else, that is more than I have been able to do in some time. Falling off medicine, then getting back on it, through the dark of winter. I am ready for summer. Although, I would like to see about getting my systems upstairs, piping cable up there, while also keeping the downstairs available.
I am impressed with how much has been done in a single week. It may be killing me, but if I can finish it, I would die happy. There are better causes to die for, but no other are available. And, I might just make it. I simply don't mind the risk. And I still think I will make it, probably. I have felt worse for no reason, for longer.
Arms and shoulders are painfully but roughly loosening. Still rather tight. Forearms are feeling it, but better. Even my hands hurt from gripping. They are lesser pains, as with many others, so just becoming noticeable as the other pains diminish. While I lose intensity of suffering, I gain volume. Now I understand the chills recently. Pain beyond full cognitive awareness will do that to me.
Still, pleased. Just being able to push that far is satisfying. To see things being done, even slowly, is absolutely fantastic. I am reclaiming my world. I think, in a month, I will have my home back, organized, ready. If not, in two months. Success, I am hoping, breeds success. Then, perhaps, starting on the spare bathroom.
Oh, dreamed, again, as yesterday. Chastity is difficult with such dreams. Women... rip up even a powerful will. A gift, they are. And a curse. And they damn well know it and enjoy it. Not sure why the thoughts of them crowd when I suffer so. A grace and a darkness, both, to be certain.
.
Sleep came much later. In part for the nap, in part for the pain. It feels as if my heart were being squeezed right in my chest, like a pitcher checking his grip or for flaws. Better this morning, should be ready by Monday. I couldn't stand, or really think, yesterday. I am hoping to do some very light work upstairs, and maybe just a bit else.
Beside sorting the last two boxes nearly completed before, I would like to tear down empty boxes upstairs. As well, wash those five to ten pieces I had set to soak, and take a shower. Shaving either yet today or tomorrow. If I have a bit more, perhaps folding a basket or two of laundry.
Nothing fancy, it won't be fast, I may not complete all, or any, of it. It is the plan and my intent. I really am getting things done, if working less than ten hours a week. Still, believe or else, that is more than I have been able to do in some time. Falling off medicine, then getting back on it, through the dark of winter. I am ready for summer. Although, I would like to see about getting my systems upstairs, piping cable up there, while also keeping the downstairs available.
I am impressed with how much has been done in a single week. It may be killing me, but if I can finish it, I would die happy. There are better causes to die for, but no other are available. And, I might just make it. I simply don't mind the risk. And I still think I will make it, probably. I have felt worse for no reason, for longer.
Arms and shoulders are painfully but roughly loosening. Still rather tight. Forearms are feeling it, but better. Even my hands hurt from gripping. They are lesser pains, as with many others, so just becoming noticeable as the other pains diminish. While I lose intensity of suffering, I gain volume. Now I understand the chills recently. Pain beyond full cognitive awareness will do that to me.
Still, pleased. Just being able to push that far is satisfying. To see things being done, even slowly, is absolutely fantastic. I am reclaiming my world. I think, in a month, I will have my home back, organized, ready. If not, in two months. Success, I am hoping, breeds success. Then, perhaps, starting on the spare bathroom.
Oh, dreamed, again, as yesterday. Chastity is difficult with such dreams. Women... rip up even a powerful will. A gift, they are. And a curse. And they damn well know it and enjoy it. Not sure why the thoughts of them crowd when I suffer so. A grace and a darkness, both, to be certain.
Friday, April 17, 2020
One of the most impressive naps.
.
.
A few dreams, none remembered. Though waking with a sense the last song might easily represent. And a feeling I was up all night. No, I'm in chastity mode. If that is sorely tested often. What happens when unconscious, literally, doesn't concern my will if that is usually abiding my will. As far as I know.
Still stiff and sore. My feet are still cold. But I am less tired. A bit less. Some of the exhaustion is a direct mechanical result from pushing an old, mostly dead, body. Some of that will require time to undo. With good sleep, food, medicine, and naps thrown.
Actually, I won't catch up. Not with shoving to get through housework and another project. I... have... things to do. I have marked the next few months as blotto pain, possibly to death. I wonder if I will get used to it, assuming it isn't lethal. Then again, my off and on years in college were sheer horror, trying to get to classes on time, be showered and dressed. Brutal. It never got easier through six years. Seven? But I wasn't on medicine, or keto... if that has slipped this last week.
I thought I had slept many, many hours. I thought I would be waking to very late afternoon, or even Saturday afternoon. I had to fight, what seemed like hours, to wake. Even trying several times to wake even enough to check the time, losing all save the last. Just a few minutes more than two hours for 'all' the sleep and 'all' the time trying to wake.
Well. So it goes. Later.
.
A few dreams, none remembered. Though waking with a sense the last song might easily represent. And a feeling I was up all night. No, I'm in chastity mode. If that is sorely tested often. What happens when unconscious, literally, doesn't concern my will if that is usually abiding my will. As far as I know.
Still stiff and sore. My feet are still cold. But I am less tired. A bit less. Some of the exhaustion is a direct mechanical result from pushing an old, mostly dead, body. Some of that will require time to undo. With good sleep, food, medicine, and naps thrown.
Actually, I won't catch up. Not with shoving to get through housework and another project. I... have... things to do. I have marked the next few months as blotto pain, possibly to death. I wonder if I will get used to it, assuming it isn't lethal. Then again, my off and on years in college were sheer horror, trying to get to classes on time, be showered and dressed. Brutal. It never got easier through six years. Seven? But I wasn't on medicine, or keto... if that has slipped this last week.
I thought I had slept many, many hours. I thought I would be waking to very late afternoon, or even Saturday afternoon. I had to fight, what seemed like hours, to wake. Even trying several times to wake even enough to check the time, losing all save the last. Just a few minutes more than two hours for 'all' the sleep and 'all' the time trying to wake.
Well. So it goes. Later.
Very tight, hard, harsh.
.
.
My body is tightening, as if having sparred with a focus on the torso. My arms and chest are as tight as if i have been working out. Actually everything from the waist up is that tight. It isn't just a sensation, the muscles are as concrete. Sore from it as well. My legs are worked, but to a much milder level.
For as little actual work as I have done, it is amazing. At one time it took working out very hard for three days during the week, every other day, to feel this terribly good. It isn't just muscless. My joints hurt, if in a right way. Oh, and I have definitely burned my face. That in spite of only working outside on fully cloudy days.
Oddly, this is causing me to get the chills. I finally gave up and turned the furnace up to 74°. I am still freezing. I have wool socks and heavy pj's on. I may have to nap. Crawl in under the warmest set of blankets I have. Ugh. Yes, a couple hours down, warm. I need it for more than warmth. Tired too. Very.
In spite of those things, I feel good. I like to work to this point, and more. I miss this. I hope to do a bit more work later. May not be possible. Later.
.
My body is tightening, as if having sparred with a focus on the torso. My arms and chest are as tight as if i have been working out. Actually everything from the waist up is that tight. It isn't just a sensation, the muscles are as concrete. Sore from it as well. My legs are worked, but to a much milder level.
For as little actual work as I have done, it is amazing. At one time it took working out very hard for three days during the week, every other day, to feel this terribly good. It isn't just muscless. My joints hurt, if in a right way. Oh, and I have definitely burned my face. That in spite of only working outside on fully cloudy days.
Oddly, this is causing me to get the chills. I finally gave up and turned the furnace up to 74°. I am still freezing. I have wool socks and heavy pj's on. I may have to nap. Crawl in under the warmest set of blankets I have. Ugh. Yes, a couple hours down, warm. I need it for more than warmth. Tired too. Very.
In spite of those things, I feel good. I like to work to this point, and more. I miss this. I hope to do a bit more work later. May not be possible. Later.
Thursday, April 16, 2020
Quite a day.
.
.
Everything planned except moving items to storage. But with the addition of other efforts. Some mild outdoor efforts as well. And a call to my mom. I think she was pleased for the call. She sounded tired. An occasional afternoon thing. Perhaps I caught her on an off moment. Still, it was good. I probably sounded more tired than she did.
I am ready for the weekend. I will use it as such. It won't be a complete end to effort, just a major reduction in work, plus naps more easily take if needed. Perhaps a load of dishes, folding portions of laundry, and finishing the boxes that weren't finished completely, upstairs. All on a slower clock. I am quite worn.
Being outside is sort of brutal on me. Still, I want that. If I can get going, early, perhaps hiking... very short easy runs, might be in the works. Hmm, may see about setting up the hammock, one of them, and enjoying outdoor naps? Perhaps overnighters. It sounds snazzy. I'd really like to give it a shot. That would really help acclimate me to the outdoors.
I am about to crash. Good night and blessings.
.
Everything planned except moving items to storage. But with the addition of other efforts. Some mild outdoor efforts as well. And a call to my mom. I think she was pleased for the call. She sounded tired. An occasional afternoon thing. Perhaps I caught her on an off moment. Still, it was good. I probably sounded more tired than she did.
I am ready for the weekend. I will use it as such. It won't be a complete end to effort, just a major reduction in work, plus naps more easily take if needed. Perhaps a load of dishes, folding portions of laundry, and finishing the boxes that weren't finished completely, upstairs. All on a slower clock. I am quite worn.
Being outside is sort of brutal on me. Still, I want that. If I can get going, early, perhaps hiking... very short easy runs, might be in the works. Hmm, may see about setting up the hammock, one of them, and enjoying outdoor naps? Perhaps overnighters. It sounds snazzy. I'd really like to give it a shot. That would really help acclimate me to the outdoors.
I am about to crash. Good night and blessings.
Not much for a lot?
.
.
As mentioned, the call. We'll, and sharing the results.
Then I washed my salad bowl. Then heated and ate a brot. I'll have a salad in a bit... a two parter, probably three part meal with a fatted tea. Another fatted drink, for supper, later. Then I put towels in the dryer. There isn't enough for a full load, to be washed. Ducks and cats have been tended... food, water, more hay, and litter box clearing.
Baby, it is cold out there. It is several degrees above freezing. Water wasn't frozen, but with the damp air and winds, it seems colder than when it was 22°. Still shivering from the jaunt. I am letting the ducks try with eggs, to hatch out a batch. If nothing by mid next month, I'll dump the remnants and start collecting.
A small batch of dishes is soaking. After a salad and fatted tea, I'll do those, then shower and maybe shave. It really wasn't much, and yet it was quite a lot. All so quickly. I am very tired though. Perhaps tea will help. Or a nap. Later.
.
As mentioned, the call. We'll, and sharing the results.
Then I washed my salad bowl. Then heated and ate a brot. I'll have a salad in a bit... a two parter, probably three part meal with a fatted tea. Another fatted drink, for supper, later. Then I put towels in the dryer. There isn't enough for a full load, to be washed. Ducks and cats have been tended... food, water, more hay, and litter box clearing.
Baby, it is cold out there. It is several degrees above freezing. Water wasn't frozen, but with the damp air and winds, it seems colder than when it was 22°. Still shivering from the jaunt. I am letting the ducks try with eggs, to hatch out a batch. If nothing by mid next month, I'll dump the remnants and start collecting.
A small batch of dishes is soaking. After a salad and fatted tea, I'll do those, then shower and maybe shave. It really wasn't much, and yet it was quite a lot. All so quickly. I am very tired though. Perhaps tea will help. Or a nap. Later.
A start, first thing.
.
.
Nothing yesterday, save paperwork signed for social security. The gent helping me will be sending that in today. A form or instructions referenced in the two pieces we received was missing, so I need to call, request another form. I was simply too tired. My heart is just a bit sore/tired today. Good enough to start in.
The first bit was going through boxes. I didn't get through many, four or five? But these were dense with smaller, personal, items. And the last box will need to be rearranged back into place. It was a bit cold. That didn't help. I hadn't made it downstairs yet, the furnace was still set to frigid. That has been fixed.
Ducks and cats, fed watered, and otherwise tended. Then a shower. And a start on dishes and restart of laundry. A shave, perhaps. Then a bit of storage from the front room. Actually, a call first. That should be quick and painless. Not many dishes. I have a ton to do, but will be starting just a small batch at a time. Only cooking once or twice a week, and with other arrangements, I should be able to catch up, then pretty much stay ahead.
A bit more work, possibly, later. It won't be a lot. Just small pieces and parts. But, it might be enough, over time, to get it all done and keep ahead. If I can keep a pace. Ten to twenty hours a week, an hour or two per session... say an hour and an half average, over fifteen sessions, would be ten sessions a week. Possible, usually, if on a swinging shift.
I think I can? Later.
-----------
Called. Spoke with the woman who handles information packets for the court. She doesn't know what would be missing. I have everything I need. So... one more thing done. As well, I informed my helper. Keep em' in the loop. Doing what I can. One thing at a time. Oh, before I dig into dishes, I need to free up a flat surface or two. I'm... getting there.
.
Nothing yesterday, save paperwork signed for social security. The gent helping me will be sending that in today. A form or instructions referenced in the two pieces we received was missing, so I need to call, request another form. I was simply too tired. My heart is just a bit sore/tired today. Good enough to start in.
The first bit was going through boxes. I didn't get through many, four or five? But these were dense with smaller, personal, items. And the last box will need to be rearranged back into place. It was a bit cold. That didn't help. I hadn't made it downstairs yet, the furnace was still set to frigid. That has been fixed.
Ducks and cats, fed watered, and otherwise tended. Then a shower. And a start on dishes and restart of laundry. A shave, perhaps. Then a bit of storage from the front room. Actually, a call first. That should be quick and painless. Not many dishes. I have a ton to do, but will be starting just a small batch at a time. Only cooking once or twice a week, and with other arrangements, I should be able to catch up, then pretty much stay ahead.
A bit more work, possibly, later. It won't be a lot. Just small pieces and parts. But, it might be enough, over time, to get it all done and keep ahead. If I can keep a pace. Ten to twenty hours a week, an hour or two per session... say an hour and an half average, over fifteen sessions, would be ten sessions a week. Possible, usually, if on a swinging shift.
I think I can? Later.
-----------
Called. Spoke with the woman who handles information packets for the court. She doesn't know what would be missing. I have everything I need. So... one more thing done. As well, I informed my helper. Keep em' in the loop. Doing what I can. One thing at a time. Oh, before I dig into dishes, I need to free up a flat surface or two. I'm... getting there.
Wednesday, April 15, 2020
Another... opportunity.
.
.
An exceedingly dark day. Overcast. Wet? The vehicles driving by make it seem so, the sound of their tires. It wasn't when I fed the ducks. But that was several hours ago. I am moving slow. I have used a lot of energy, burned a bit even on a cloudy day, but am staying up on medicine and food.
I will finish laundry today, move a few boxes of stuff out of the front room, and dig back in upstairs. At some point, I will go after empty boxes. If I break down and remove every available empty box, I will have a quarter to a third of currently occupied floor space reclaimed. In a week, if I keep even at this rate, it will be closer to half, or more. Hmm, not this, but next Friday. Though I may spend time breaking boxes down between now and then. Not all, but a hefty start, so as not to be overwhelmed on the day.
After a session upstairs, another shower, perhaps a proper shave. I trimmed my beard off yesterday... or the day before? Now to clean that up. Oh, I did try the bidet. I am certainly hoping practice will help. As a first impression I was not impressed. This might not be good enough, my aim was poor (next time I will shut the shower water off, that really confused things), and I still am uncertain about this. I have motive, the end of tp as we know it, even electricity.
Just how bad would it have to get to end tp, or more electricity thus running water? Or, should I say, how much worse? Same as ever... three to five days of no food, with none seemingly to arrive, or believably... enough lies from politicians leading to starvation... Their fault, our fault, your fault, nobody's fault... won't matter.
Just how close are we? About as close as ever, if that is far closer than most imagine. The virus is just cover for a reset that was required one way or another. The hope is that they get the money to those who can and will do right, not those who are destroying through their absolute greed. To be honest, I'm not seeing good things. Airlines to usury credit card and "lending services" companies shouldn't receive. Companies which don't pay taxes, or employ US citizens shouldn't receive. And companies headquartered overseas should not be eligible for one red cent.
Anyway, back to work upstairs shortly. Just a bit more looking, then a start on the laundry, plus a few more items moved from the front room. Yeah! Or, maybe more a grim determination to do or die? Defintely the latter. Not which side I'm quite on, if mentioned, one might be the other! :p
I did get breakfast cooked, and dinner while at it. Later.
.
An exceedingly dark day. Overcast. Wet? The vehicles driving by make it seem so, the sound of their tires. It wasn't when I fed the ducks. But that was several hours ago. I am moving slow. I have used a lot of energy, burned a bit even on a cloudy day, but am staying up on medicine and food.
I will finish laundry today, move a few boxes of stuff out of the front room, and dig back in upstairs. At some point, I will go after empty boxes. If I break down and remove every available empty box, I will have a quarter to a third of currently occupied floor space reclaimed. In a week, if I keep even at this rate, it will be closer to half, or more. Hmm, not this, but next Friday. Though I may spend time breaking boxes down between now and then. Not all, but a hefty start, so as not to be overwhelmed on the day.
After a session upstairs, another shower, perhaps a proper shave. I trimmed my beard off yesterday... or the day before? Now to clean that up. Oh, I did try the bidet. I am certainly hoping practice will help. As a first impression I was not impressed. This might not be good enough, my aim was poor (next time I will shut the shower water off, that really confused things), and I still am uncertain about this. I have motive, the end of tp as we know it, even electricity.
Just how bad would it have to get to end tp, or more electricity thus running water? Or, should I say, how much worse? Same as ever... three to five days of no food, with none seemingly to arrive, or believably... enough lies from politicians leading to starvation... Their fault, our fault, your fault, nobody's fault... won't matter.
Just how close are we? About as close as ever, if that is far closer than most imagine. The virus is just cover for a reset that was required one way or another. The hope is that they get the money to those who can and will do right, not those who are destroying through their absolute greed. To be honest, I'm not seeing good things. Airlines to usury credit card and "lending services" companies shouldn't receive. Companies which don't pay taxes, or employ US citizens shouldn't receive. And companies headquartered overseas should not be eligible for one red cent.
Anyway, back to work upstairs shortly. Just a bit more looking, then a start on the laundry, plus a few more items moved from the front room. Yeah! Or, maybe more a grim determination to do or die? Defintely the latter. Not which side I'm quite on, if mentioned, one might be the other! :p
I did get breakfast cooked, and dinner while at it. Later.
Tuesday, April 14, 2020
Work?
.
.
Actually, yes. Yes indeed. It wasn't hard work but it wore me quite out. I also got some shopping in. The hard part was being outside. Well, and the length of time up and out. Even with it being mostly a darker sky, I think I burned. Little bits and pieces. A lot of sitting too. And some passengering.
A good long sit when I returned, and one of the better and larger honey crisp apples I have ever had, while reviewing the world through various sources. You know who you are. Rest. Needed. I was hoping to yet work on boxes upstairs and do another load of laundry.
Oh well. There is always... today! Yeah, I dug through five to closer to ten boxes after starting a second load for today. I might be through half the boxes! Perhaps more. I found a box with pictures, took time to review. I... miss some people, living and not. I never had use for photos. Now... now I will look for more. And cards and letters.
A very good day. So tired my heart hurts. Satisfied even so. A slower easier day tomorrow. Boxes upstairs, a bit more in the front room, perhaps another load of laundry. I won't finish the upstairs this week, but next almost certainly. The front room will take longer. As I finish a room, I open another room. I always have two rooms active. I think I can.
The call sounded real. Am I just cleaning my coffin or am I preparing for an honored guest. What will the path be after such a visit? A bit of fear, if excitement, curiosity. Death isn't a fear. One of the two most likely paths after, if the fear isn't for me. If angels yet on high have come to love man, are sentient, wise, and true, imagine the woe of the angel of death at his task.
Anyway, it continues. Good day and night.
.
Actually, yes. Yes indeed. It wasn't hard work but it wore me quite out. I also got some shopping in. The hard part was being outside. Well, and the length of time up and out. Even with it being mostly a darker sky, I think I burned. Little bits and pieces. A lot of sitting too. And some passengering.
A good long sit when I returned, and one of the better and larger honey crisp apples I have ever had, while reviewing the world through various sources. You know who you are. Rest. Needed. I was hoping to yet work on boxes upstairs and do another load of laundry.
Oh well. There is always... today! Yeah, I dug through five to closer to ten boxes after starting a second load for today. I might be through half the boxes! Perhaps more. I found a box with pictures, took time to review. I... miss some people, living and not. I never had use for photos. Now... now I will look for more. And cards and letters.
A very good day. So tired my heart hurts. Satisfied even so. A slower easier day tomorrow. Boxes upstairs, a bit more in the front room, perhaps another load of laundry. I won't finish the upstairs this week, but next almost certainly. The front room will take longer. As I finish a room, I open another room. I always have two rooms active. I think I can.
The call sounded real. Am I just cleaning my coffin or am I preparing for an honored guest. What will the path be after such a visit? A bit of fear, if excitement, curiosity. Death isn't a fear. One of the two most likely paths after, if the fear isn't for me. If angels yet on high have come to love man, are sentient, wise, and true, imagine the woe of the angel of death at his task.
Anyway, it continues. Good day and night.
Some, yesterday.
.
.
Three trips, with two or three heavier boxes each, to various storage areas. The worst was the trips upstairs. A load of laundry as well. So weak, these days. That is life now, and will never improve. But, for now, a few boxes, a few chores, perhaps lending a rare hand.
My clock is slipping. Putting all I can into waking regularly and strongly, I have been slipping about an hour a day. I fight it, even leave the shade cracked so the sun is in my face first thing. Actually, given the work I am doing, it is pretty good. I could be losing two to six hours, or just trip and stumble through days, weeks, months, or tie the year I mostly slept.
A load of laundry in, ducks and cats fed, breakfast about ready. It's 20° ish out there! That was a surprise. Glad I didn't leave a window open. I had been thinking about it. The ice wasn't thick on the duck's water, or the trough soaking. The ducks might have stirred their water but couldn't have gotten to the other container, so the freeze must have been short.
Upstairs this morning, after breakfast. Then gathering and putting out trash. If I can't do what is exactly planned, I try to do something roughly equivalent. It isn't perfect, but I really do feel some compulsion. A bit of urgency I haven't felt in some time, actually, in this way, I have never felt. I need to be ready, even if just to go. Who knows, perhaps preparation is the path.
After upstairs, a shower. Oh, and a bidet trial. No details, just a pass or fail notification. At least initial. You know how first times can be. While you don't remember your first time trying to tie your shoes, you can probably imagine. Well, now imagine tying your butt! :p I admit to the presence of powerful fear, trepidation, caution, and no small amount of curiosity.
You know, I was in France long ago. Knowing me, especially then, if I knew of that, and had opportunity, I would have tried it. Opportunity might have not been there, or I may not have known... or I did try it. I simply don't recall. I guess I'll have to create fresh memories. Yes, I am afraid, very afraid.
Best get breakfast and medicine, then on to it. May God help you design your day.
.
Three trips, with two or three heavier boxes each, to various storage areas. The worst was the trips upstairs. A load of laundry as well. So weak, these days. That is life now, and will never improve. But, for now, a few boxes, a few chores, perhaps lending a rare hand.
My clock is slipping. Putting all I can into waking regularly and strongly, I have been slipping about an hour a day. I fight it, even leave the shade cracked so the sun is in my face first thing. Actually, given the work I am doing, it is pretty good. I could be losing two to six hours, or just trip and stumble through days, weeks, months, or tie the year I mostly slept.
A load of laundry in, ducks and cats fed, breakfast about ready. It's 20° ish out there! That was a surprise. Glad I didn't leave a window open. I had been thinking about it. The ice wasn't thick on the duck's water, or the trough soaking. The ducks might have stirred their water but couldn't have gotten to the other container, so the freeze must have been short.
Upstairs this morning, after breakfast. Then gathering and putting out trash. If I can't do what is exactly planned, I try to do something roughly equivalent. It isn't perfect, but I really do feel some compulsion. A bit of urgency I haven't felt in some time, actually, in this way, I have never felt. I need to be ready, even if just to go. Who knows, perhaps preparation is the path.
After upstairs, a shower. Oh, and a bidet trial. No details, just a pass or fail notification. At least initial. You know how first times can be. While you don't remember your first time trying to tie your shoes, you can probably imagine. Well, now imagine tying your butt! :p I admit to the presence of powerful fear, trepidation, caution, and no small amount of curiosity.
You know, I was in France long ago. Knowing me, especially then, if I knew of that, and had opportunity, I would have tried it. Opportunity might have not been there, or I may not have known... or I did try it. I simply don't recall. I guess I'll have to create fresh memories. Yes, I am afraid, very afraid.
Best get breakfast and medicine, then on to it. May God help you design your day.
Monday, April 13, 2020
Rather ill.
.
.
I thought blood sugar had collapsed. That is how this feels. It was 249 fasting. At 144 shortly after a meal and medium dose, and 107 now, that isn't it. It has been dropping very easily, so I am watching it. I do wonder if it might be the speed of the drop, the numbers over time. Too much, too quickly, and even if the numbers are technically good, the combination leaves me in a similar disrepair? It sure feels like a diabetic drop problem. I am going to take a glucose tab and a nap.
It is only that high because I had to munch carb pills yesterday... and got carried away. Addictive, they are.
Just a bit done. Three boxes moved, laundry through to the dryer, and another load dry set in the washer. Feeling this rough, I didn't want to force that schedule. I am still hoping to get a shift or two more work in. I have had two. Heavier but shorter. It counts, but I want more... Father.
The manual bidet arrived. I've... read the instructions... looked it over... kept an eye on it. It's been eyeing me back. Worse than a cat. What it wants to do... I'm not sure it's right. And, how do you learn? Ah, I DID figure that out. Practice in the shower! When the angle, pressure, and all is good, then try it on the toilet. More, I still have and will keep, tp. To dry if nothing else. Uhrm, assuming I don't just learn it then save it for even worse times. Still a bit spooked by the process, endeavor, educational opportunity... At least I have a plan.
-----------
Someone, musically, suggested a week. Someone is coming, Someone else. A week? Metaphorically, probably, but sooner than I expected. Soon in real terms... weeks or a few months. That was the call. That is the reason I feel compelled to work. I don't deserve such. I didn't expect such. Not my call. So I prepare. He could be stopping in to release me, one way or another. Or just to visit. Yes, it all is possible. Time isn't what it seems. He does as is right, exactly.
Delusional? One best hope, but I wouldn't count on it against someone who does a nine by nine sudoku in 5 seconds. Cautious with some bets.
-----------
Well? I suppose. A pill and nap. Phone near to. Be well, and blessings.
.
I thought blood sugar had collapsed. That is how this feels. It was 249 fasting. At 144 shortly after a meal and medium dose, and 107 now, that isn't it. It has been dropping very easily, so I am watching it. I do wonder if it might be the speed of the drop, the numbers over time. Too much, too quickly, and even if the numbers are technically good, the combination leaves me in a similar disrepair? It sure feels like a diabetic drop problem. I am going to take a glucose tab and a nap.
It is only that high because I had to munch carb pills yesterday... and got carried away. Addictive, they are.
Just a bit done. Three boxes moved, laundry through to the dryer, and another load dry set in the washer. Feeling this rough, I didn't want to force that schedule. I am still hoping to get a shift or two more work in. I have had two. Heavier but shorter. It counts, but I want more... Father.
The manual bidet arrived. I've... read the instructions... looked it over... kept an eye on it. It's been eyeing me back. Worse than a cat. What it wants to do... I'm not sure it's right. And, how do you learn? Ah, I DID figure that out. Practice in the shower! When the angle, pressure, and all is good, then try it on the toilet. More, I still have and will keep, tp. To dry if nothing else. Uhrm, assuming I don't just learn it then save it for even worse times. Still a bit spooked by the process, endeavor, educational opportunity... At least I have a plan.
-----------
Someone, musically, suggested a week. Someone is coming, Someone else. A week? Metaphorically, probably, but sooner than I expected. Soon in real terms... weeks or a few months. That was the call. That is the reason I feel compelled to work. I don't deserve such. I didn't expect such. Not my call. So I prepare. He could be stopping in to release me, one way or another. Or just to visit. Yes, it all is possible. Time isn't what it seems. He does as is right, exactly.
Delusional? One best hope, but I wouldn't count on it against someone who does a nine by nine sudoku in 5 seconds. Cautious with some bets.
-----------
Well? I suppose. A pill and nap. Phone near to. Be well, and blessings.
Later, but still on it.
.
.
Well, a shower and else first, too. I did wake roughly at six, having gone to bed a bit after twenty hundred. But it took nearly an hour to rise. For some reason, on medicine, my feet and ankles started swelling, so I took an extra dose of water pills. Which... kept me waking to drain. Which is part of the problem waking. I rarely have to wake to go now that I am back on meds. That does degrade sleep quality by a lot.
Extra water pills this morning and probably tomorrow. Early, right off so it will work before bedtime. I don't understand the water retention. No extra salt, and I have been more active, which usually helps rid fluid. No matter, I have the tech, need, and currently the will and way of mind and body to manage. Still, I'd like to solve this. Tuna, and other meat, packs? Not at 2.7 ounces every other day.
Oh, as to popcorn? I had been using a silicone microwave device. I decided plastic is plastic, so ordered a glass one. Real glass? Who knows, these days. But... I at least feel better about it. Once or twice a week is enough use to warrant concern. I don't add fats, save as a warmed topping. I just think fats, at that sort of heat and pressure, even if good to start (ghee or raw coconut oil) will go bad somehow. That is HOW they make bad fats. Melting is fine, in with popping popcorn not so much.
Oh, yes. I did more work yesterday afternoon. It looks worse for it. I wore before I could get it to a prettier stop state. Incentive, I suppose. And, after waking a bit, I will work upstairs again, later getting more down here. But! I did run a load through the washer and dryer, set another load to be run today, and set up a third load for today or tomorrow.
As well, I moved some things out of the front room, to proper storage. I will do a bit more of that today. Hey, two boxes, or three, is infinitely more than none... if... you're a special sort of "science" nerd... but... it is a lot more, especially cumulatively over days, weeks, months... Yes, not great but not bad.
I have other plans as well. I need to check in. Life... is hard. Find the good in it.
.
Well, a shower and else first, too. I did wake roughly at six, having gone to bed a bit after twenty hundred. But it took nearly an hour to rise. For some reason, on medicine, my feet and ankles started swelling, so I took an extra dose of water pills. Which... kept me waking to drain. Which is part of the problem waking. I rarely have to wake to go now that I am back on meds. That does degrade sleep quality by a lot.
Extra water pills this morning and probably tomorrow. Early, right off so it will work before bedtime. I don't understand the water retention. No extra salt, and I have been more active, which usually helps rid fluid. No matter, I have the tech, need, and currently the will and way of mind and body to manage. Still, I'd like to solve this. Tuna, and other meat, packs? Not at 2.7 ounces every other day.
Oh, as to popcorn? I had been using a silicone microwave device. I decided plastic is plastic, so ordered a glass one. Real glass? Who knows, these days. But... I at least feel better about it. Once or twice a week is enough use to warrant concern. I don't add fats, save as a warmed topping. I just think fats, at that sort of heat and pressure, even if good to start (ghee or raw coconut oil) will go bad somehow. That is HOW they make bad fats. Melting is fine, in with popping popcorn not so much.
Oh, yes. I did more work yesterday afternoon. It looks worse for it. I wore before I could get it to a prettier stop state. Incentive, I suppose. And, after waking a bit, I will work upstairs again, later getting more down here. But! I did run a load through the washer and dryer, set another load to be run today, and set up a third load for today or tomorrow.
As well, I moved some things out of the front room, to proper storage. I will do a bit more of that today. Hey, two boxes, or three, is infinitely more than none... if... you're a special sort of "science" nerd... but... it is a lot more, especially cumulatively over days, weeks, months... Yes, not great but not bad.
I have other plans as well. I need to check in. Life... is hard. Find the good in it.
Sunday, April 12, 2020
Woke to a call.
.
.
No idea... about anything. I woke at 6:00, give or take... some unremembered period of time after. Unaware of almost all else, still hurting from efforts last week, a blank of mind otherwise. But... a calling. Work. I felt compelled to begin going through boxes upstairs. And, so, through boxes I went!
I have cleared an eighth of the floor, if that isn't quite as much as it seems. Though it is more than it appears given there are several stacks of empty boxes and boxes full of trash loot just waiting to be removed. I would guess a week of such work will see that done to the point of just waiting on trash and empty box removal. As to the keeper stuff? I'll... figure that out then. But figure it sooner rather than later.
Two hours, give or take, of mild work. Sitting, mostly, sorting. Some heavy lifting. Enough, altogether, to weary me. Downstairs, tea set, a pee left, the timer set for two hours to feed, water, and otherwise tend the ladies and gent. A cold tea to start, meds, and... a wonderful dawning awareness. A holy day.
THE Holy day.
So strange. I am so alone and isolated, of mind and flesh, I wasn't aware. Actually, I could be wrong. I have no way of knowing. I will look, make sure, soon. Odd, if so, to be called, out of sleep, to work, barely able to think, on the holiest of days. Omen? Gift? I was called to begin working mornings upstairs, then similarly downstairs in the afternoons. Clear as a bell. To work until the pain is too much or concentration evaporates. Perhaps two hours, per session, give or take... if this morning was a template.
Perhaps I will be able to do more as I get fit? Or will I just wind down, have to skip days, as I use up energy I can't replace quickly enough... as has been my history? All I can do is heed the call. I am hoping to hit it again between noon and one. Just clearing the mess around me and going from there.
If I get half or more ready to go, I'll call in a dumpster, if no earlier than next month.
God certainly works in mysterious ways. Prayer and a rosary later today. Amen.
.
No idea... about anything. I woke at 6:00, give or take... some unremembered period of time after. Unaware of almost all else, still hurting from efforts last week, a blank of mind otherwise. But... a calling. Work. I felt compelled to begin going through boxes upstairs. And, so, through boxes I went!
I have cleared an eighth of the floor, if that isn't quite as much as it seems. Though it is more than it appears given there are several stacks of empty boxes and boxes full of trash loot just waiting to be removed. I would guess a week of such work will see that done to the point of just waiting on trash and empty box removal. As to the keeper stuff? I'll... figure that out then. But figure it sooner rather than later.
Two hours, give or take, of mild work. Sitting, mostly, sorting. Some heavy lifting. Enough, altogether, to weary me. Downstairs, tea set, a pee left, the timer set for two hours to feed, water, and otherwise tend the ladies and gent. A cold tea to start, meds, and... a wonderful dawning awareness. A holy day.
THE Holy day.
So strange. I am so alone and isolated, of mind and flesh, I wasn't aware. Actually, I could be wrong. I have no way of knowing. I will look, make sure, soon. Odd, if so, to be called, out of sleep, to work, barely able to think, on the holiest of days. Omen? Gift? I was called to begin working mornings upstairs, then similarly downstairs in the afternoons. Clear as a bell. To work until the pain is too much or concentration evaporates. Perhaps two hours, per session, give or take... if this morning was a template.
Perhaps I will be able to do more as I get fit? Or will I just wind down, have to skip days, as I use up energy I can't replace quickly enough... as has been my history? All I can do is heed the call. I am hoping to hit it again between noon and one. Just clearing the mess around me and going from there.
If I get half or more ready to go, I'll call in a dumpster, if no earlier than next month.
God certainly works in mysterious ways. Prayer and a rosary later today. Amen.
Thursday, April 9, 2020
Wednesday, April 8, 2020
A bit of work.
.
.
A couple days in a row, actually. Not much work, more being out, if doing more than usual. Today I was tired and a bit sore. I might have done more, I... am never sure if my efforts are... Well. Besides, I was worn. A day of rest was good. Just being out in the elements tests me. The sun is potent and strengthening quickly.
Days and nights were straightening, until I pushed a bit too much. I might be able to tip things back, not sure. Back on medicine well, for the last three weeks, if a short stumble regarding insulin as I thought, mistakenly, I was running out. Yea, mistakes happen when stressed, even incorrectly. Back on it for a week, doing better again.
I'm still pretty tired. May tinker just a bit, then go back to bed... try to do days. Try, try, again. What else is left to the dying? It will take a while longer to normalize on medicine. It's pretty powerful stuff. I am surprised it isn't lethal itself. Then again, maybe it is, just extending the other options? Later.
.
A couple days in a row, actually. Not much work, more being out, if doing more than usual. Today I was tired and a bit sore. I might have done more, I... am never sure if my efforts are... Well. Besides, I was worn. A day of rest was good. Just being out in the elements tests me. The sun is potent and strengthening quickly.
Days and nights were straightening, until I pushed a bit too much. I might be able to tip things back, not sure. Back on medicine well, for the last three weeks, if a short stumble regarding insulin as I thought, mistakenly, I was running out. Yea, mistakes happen when stressed, even incorrectly. Back on it for a week, doing better again.
I'm still pretty tired. May tinker just a bit, then go back to bed... try to do days. Try, try, again. What else is left to the dying? It will take a while longer to normalize on medicine. It's pretty powerful stuff. I am surprised it isn't lethal itself. Then again, maybe it is, just extending the other options? Later.
Tuesday, April 7, 2020
A few other updates and ideas.
.
.
While officially taking dedicated time to be solitary, mostly, and attempting to live more simply, I am trying to solve issues, some which haven't arisen yet. Though I realize without tech, without electricity, running water, and a few other things, life simply won't work well. But how did they used to do it?
They worked like slaves in sustenance efforts, devoting most of their time to scraping just enough to live, and starved when that wasn't possible. Cannibalism was a later resolve. And dying like flies was very common. So far, in this event, so good. But, here or there, three to ten days without food and you will see what I suggested about the FBI agent who tried to save the lamb. Ripped to pieces.
Me? I have gone weeks, even months, without food. If often, then, I slept through it, at least the longer runs. I do know that after a week or two the actual hunger goes, at least for me. But something else, far more terrible, arrives... psychological hunger. From that a slow approach towards madness. None are immune, for beyond there be dragons. Another form of... us. Even if I am different, having flesh puts us all in the same boat on this and other issues.
Still, barring a complete collapse, there are options. A few simple games... jacks (pick up) and marbles. Silly, but fun, simple. As well, I ordered a lot of popcorn. No, not to eat while watching the world burn. I don't have that luxury in any case, nor desire. It is because popcorn is an easy way to add fats, for keto. And salt... need more on keto. As well, I ordered a small grouping of shelfstable fats, several jars of coconut fat and similar amounts of ghee.
Further, I have been using those foods and together. I need a lot less of those fats than regular butter and they taste quite good. I was hesitant about the coconut lard. But it is quite good. I went with raw, so yes it tastes of coconut. But on the popcorn, with salt, that is lost in the background. A few times a week, a big bowl of that serves as a meal. Actually, no insulin spike, or nothing like what I feared.
I have had one failure... cheese powder. It... isn't terrible. It just isn't worth adding. I have tried it in popcorn and a few other things. I just don't taste cheese. It is supposed to be cheddar. It reminds me of edible yeast additive, but has none of the natural goodness that the yeast (in theory) provides. Still, I will explore other ways to make it work, at least using it up. Waste not, want not.
So, while sitting on my (if broken) thumbs, I haven't just quit. It takes more than I have just to live, but I still attempt to do more than just survive. I try to thrive. And, in some ways, I do. In very small ways, sometimes only by creating possibilities I can't actually realize. Just knowing the possibilities have physical backing toward their fulfillment is... comforting. Later.
.
While officially taking dedicated time to be solitary, mostly, and attempting to live more simply, I am trying to solve issues, some which haven't arisen yet. Though I realize without tech, without electricity, running water, and a few other things, life simply won't work well. But how did they used to do it?
They worked like slaves in sustenance efforts, devoting most of their time to scraping just enough to live, and starved when that wasn't possible. Cannibalism was a later resolve. And dying like flies was very common. So far, in this event, so good. But, here or there, three to ten days without food and you will see what I suggested about the FBI agent who tried to save the lamb. Ripped to pieces.
Me? I have gone weeks, even months, without food. If often, then, I slept through it, at least the longer runs. I do know that after a week or two the actual hunger goes, at least for me. But something else, far more terrible, arrives... psychological hunger. From that a slow approach towards madness. None are immune, for beyond there be dragons. Another form of... us. Even if I am different, having flesh puts us all in the same boat on this and other issues.
Still, barring a complete collapse, there are options. A few simple games... jacks (pick up) and marbles. Silly, but fun, simple. As well, I ordered a lot of popcorn. No, not to eat while watching the world burn. I don't have that luxury in any case, nor desire. It is because popcorn is an easy way to add fats, for keto. And salt... need more on keto. As well, I ordered a small grouping of shelfstable fats, several jars of coconut fat and similar amounts of ghee.
Further, I have been using those foods and together. I need a lot less of those fats than regular butter and they taste quite good. I was hesitant about the coconut lard. But it is quite good. I went with raw, so yes it tastes of coconut. But on the popcorn, with salt, that is lost in the background. A few times a week, a big bowl of that serves as a meal. Actually, no insulin spike, or nothing like what I feared.
I have had one failure... cheese powder. It... isn't terrible. It just isn't worth adding. I have tried it in popcorn and a few other things. I just don't taste cheese. It is supposed to be cheddar. It reminds me of edible yeast additive, but has none of the natural goodness that the yeast (in theory) provides. Still, I will explore other ways to make it work, at least using it up. Waste not, want not.
So, while sitting on my (if broken) thumbs, I haven't just quit. It takes more than I have just to live, but I still attempt to do more than just survive. I try to thrive. And, in some ways, I do. In very small ways, sometimes only by creating possibilities I can't actually realize. Just knowing the possibilities have physical backing toward their fulfillment is... comforting. Later.
As I live and breath.
.
.
I am still in bad shape. Winter is becoming spring nicely, slowly. But the sun has stayed hidden. I fear the heat it will bring, but a touch here and there would be helpful. It is warning out there. It was 35° Just a bit after three of the dark. But it's a warmer 35°? Yes. I was looking for Sam. Silly girl wouldn't come in after I fed the ducks, then somehow got stuck in the garage... strangely one of her absolutely favorite places in the whole world.
I was so afraid I was going to find naught but a frozen fluffy icecube. She wasn't even cold to the touch, if the garage was five to more like ten degrees warmer than the outside. Silly girl, but none the worse for any wear. Fed, petted and massaged, now off to razz Sassy? Who knows with that woman.
The small meat packs, with salad, sometimes cheese, one of several dressings, and any number of other additives (think olives, capers, etc, and singly or in pairs or groups) make for an excellent meal. Keeping up on lettuce is the trick. And, yes, after various experiments, romaine is much better than iceberg. The roughage is significant for r, nonexistent for the iceberg. And, yes, that is worth the difference.
Eggs, boiled, diced... yeah. Almost anything, hot or cold, might add to a salad. Between that, a fatted coffee and tea per day, and unsweetened tea, I have been eating very rightly. A potato meal twice a week... if next time, I will try it raw, diced, on a salad. It was the only anti-starch food that worked.
I helped the neighbors, in thought more than else. Think... well-wishing pet rock. And, perhaps again to day. I mostly watch, sit. In really bad shape. Winter to wet cold spring, medicine restarted, illness, age. It's not ever going to get better. So much so, if I get the china virus I will just fight it from home. I have gotten more medical, good and bad, than any man deserves. I'll leave it for others. And, yes, I... know. On the other hand, you won't see me out on spring break. Pretty much everyone I know, save at the store, are in isolation too.
Ugh. I'll keep trying. Be well and blessings. Later.
.
I am still in bad shape. Winter is becoming spring nicely, slowly. But the sun has stayed hidden. I fear the heat it will bring, but a touch here and there would be helpful. It is warning out there. It was 35° Just a bit after three of the dark. But it's a warmer 35°? Yes. I was looking for Sam. Silly girl wouldn't come in after I fed the ducks, then somehow got stuck in the garage... strangely one of her absolutely favorite places in the whole world.
I was so afraid I was going to find naught but a frozen fluffy icecube. She wasn't even cold to the touch, if the garage was five to more like ten degrees warmer than the outside. Silly girl, but none the worse for any wear. Fed, petted and massaged, now off to razz Sassy? Who knows with that woman.
The small meat packs, with salad, sometimes cheese, one of several dressings, and any number of other additives (think olives, capers, etc, and singly or in pairs or groups) make for an excellent meal. Keeping up on lettuce is the trick. And, yes, after various experiments, romaine is much better than iceberg. The roughage is significant for r, nonexistent for the iceberg. And, yes, that is worth the difference.
Eggs, boiled, diced... yeah. Almost anything, hot or cold, might add to a salad. Between that, a fatted coffee and tea per day, and unsweetened tea, I have been eating very rightly. A potato meal twice a week... if next time, I will try it raw, diced, on a salad. It was the only anti-starch food that worked.
I helped the neighbors, in thought more than else. Think... well-wishing pet rock. And, perhaps again to day. I mostly watch, sit. In really bad shape. Winter to wet cold spring, medicine restarted, illness, age. It's not ever going to get better. So much so, if I get the china virus I will just fight it from home. I have gotten more medical, good and bad, than any man deserves. I'll leave it for others. And, yes, I... know. On the other hand, you won't see me out on spring break. Pretty much everyone I know, save at the store, are in isolation too.
Ugh. I'll keep trying. Be well and blessings. Later.
Monday, April 6, 2020
Well, that is interesting.
.
.
After posting from my phone, they opened tools and access back up on my main system. I had figured out how to post vids as well. Yea. Interesting. Spell check remains gone, but it wasn't very good anyway. Interesting, very interesting. Later.
.
After posting from my phone, they opened tools and access back up on my main system. I had figured out how to post vids as well. Yea. Interesting. Spell check remains gone, but it wasn't very good anyway. Interesting, very interesting. Later.
Trying a new way.
.
.
Well, there is the phone. I wasn't sure if a) it would work or b) it was doable, tolerable. I finally recovered enough from the battering from the fight dreams to check. The jury is still out. First time doing this. As well, figuring how to add youtube vids... no reason to blog without that.
.
Well, there is the phone. I wasn't sure if a) it would work or b) it was doable, tolerable. I finally recovered enough from the battering from the fight dreams to check. The jury is still out. First time doing this. As well, figuring how to add youtube vids... no reason to blog without that.
Friday, March 27, 2020
Blogger is dead.
Formatting, and most tools, are gone. Yes, the last post, and this one, was in paragraphs etc. It simply doesn't display as such.
It hurts exquisitely.
.
.
The last three 'mornings' I woke feeling as if my sides had been staved. First the left, then the right, and this morning both. I was actually beginning to wonder if I was being attacked while asleep. This morning, long before actually waking up, I woke when the pain started. I am sure of it. It had nothing to do with physical attacks. I think it was after a dream I don't remember. All but... no, definitely positive. Brutal. I have been trying to wake since then. Since 9:30. It's 17:14 as I write this. I just woke.
It looks like blogger is dying. First they got rid of spellchecker a while ago. Now almost all tools are gone. As well, the new format makes editing very difficult, as it goes off both sides of the page. I suppose blogger is just for old people, and with us dying, it doesn't matter. Especially with China having such dominance over google while many of us know where this virus came from, remember Tiannonman Square and Vietnam, and know what China is. I am not sure how long it will be available for use.
I called my mother first thing. Just a quick check. They are mostly staying in. She had some advice for me, I for her. She is washing too often. Gloves or greater prudence... both. They should not be telling civilians to wash every twenty. Probably not medical either. It will create open sore very quickly. My mother thought of hand lotion, which I suggested to help heal. But lotion holds viruses. So, washing so much that you need lotion is a double down bad. I don't think she will listen. Until people-hating news tells her otherwise, or the skin is gone from her hands, she will obey. I... tried. Learned from hard experience. I do have non-alcohol hand sanitizer, but that is more for if water stops. It's not much better than alcohol sanitizer, may be worse than soap and water. I will be checking my temp, every few days and if I feel rough. That was her advice.
Later.
Wednesday, March 25, 2020
Rain, tired, trying.
.
.
I had hoped to make more calls, do a few things of actual work, and more. Nothing much is happening. I did call about medicine, finally. It is scheduled to be out the middle of next month. That is tight. A few days of delay beyond schedule and I am out. That is part of why I fear medicine.
As medicine dwindles, and if capacity is limited, I begin missing doses. It is one way to keep in stock. It doesn't work as well with insulin because once the vial is open, the freshness timer starts. So, if I Don't delay opening the vial, there is no good gained, to a degree. I may still have insulin, but it really can become weaker, by a lot. I am not sure of the longevity of sealed insulin. It says more than a year, if doctors suggest less. Something to investigate.
Hmm... perhaps skipping the first month, the next few orders, in order to have a bit of an emergency supply? I can't afford the insulin, so just buying that is not an option. The rest... maybe... but not this or next month. Ugh.
So very tired. I am sleeping twelve or more hours a shift. Awake maybe eight to twelve, maximum. It's been four to five hours and I am about to crash again. I tried collecting thoughts, in order to make a few calls. I tried gaming, as stimulus. I had a fatted coffee and tea, back to back, in the hopes of chemical stimulus. Nothing doing.
I will tend the ducks and girls shortly. Then crash again. Dark. Outside. Plus, I dreamed of another fight. Much smaller, fewer and weaker opponents. Not remnants, cleaning out what were on the way but not there the last time. Easy, but a chore if tired. Ugh. It just extended exhaustion. I may not be done there.
Well, neighbor man got the ducks. Sterling qualifies require silver just deserts. Plus eggs, as, if, he wants or needs. Still, just feeding the ladies will be a push. If I don't crash first. Later. A little or a lot. Be well.
.
I had hoped to make more calls, do a few things of actual work, and more. Nothing much is happening. I did call about medicine, finally. It is scheduled to be out the middle of next month. That is tight. A few days of delay beyond schedule and I am out. That is part of why I fear medicine.
As medicine dwindles, and if capacity is limited, I begin missing doses. It is one way to keep in stock. It doesn't work as well with insulin because once the vial is open, the freshness timer starts. So, if I Don't delay opening the vial, there is no good gained, to a degree. I may still have insulin, but it really can become weaker, by a lot. I am not sure of the longevity of sealed insulin. It says more than a year, if doctors suggest less. Something to investigate.
Hmm... perhaps skipping the first month, the next few orders, in order to have a bit of an emergency supply? I can't afford the insulin, so just buying that is not an option. The rest... maybe... but not this or next month. Ugh.
So very tired. I am sleeping twelve or more hours a shift. Awake maybe eight to twelve, maximum. It's been four to five hours and I am about to crash again. I tried collecting thoughts, in order to make a few calls. I tried gaming, as stimulus. I had a fatted coffee and tea, back to back, in the hopes of chemical stimulus. Nothing doing.
I will tend the ducks and girls shortly. Then crash again. Dark. Outside. Plus, I dreamed of another fight. Much smaller, fewer and weaker opponents. Not remnants, cleaning out what were on the way but not there the last time. Easy, but a chore if tired. Ugh. It just extended exhaustion. I may not be done there.
Well, neighbor man got the ducks. Sterling qualifies require silver just deserts. Plus eggs, as, if, he wants or needs. Still, just feeding the ladies will be a push. If I don't crash first. Later. A little or a lot. Be well.
Tuesday, March 24, 2020
So much to be accounted.
.
.
I try to keep basic items stocked. If I could do two years on everything, I would. First, I don't know what that much looks like. Second, there are so many varied items and I am just one broken down, barely functioning, guy. From toothpaste to toilet paper and floss, then to foods. The problem with foods is low carb foods, meats and dairy for my system, aren't as easy to store. You can, but degradation is relatively fast and hard.
There is cheese and sausage and salami. But those are dated too, and require skill, tools, and a lot of work. As well, not even I see those as much more than relishes. They require to much salt to be practical meal replacements. Much as any packaged foods, only with better general other ingredients.
So, I am into more carby foods. I'm a bit nervous about going out. The stores are always packed, from my tests lately. I have heard they are closing at night to restock. Good for restockers, practical, but it means no quiet times to shop. If you have a bad heart, swimming through aisles with thoughtless careless hordes isn't wise.
I am out of cat litter. I need burger. And more lettuce, to cut carbs, would be good. I will check, several times, several stores, through the next few days. Just... a few packs, bags... enough for a week to month, with what else I have. Less than usual if more than usual for other people. Ugh. I've already been sideways accused of hording. In Utah! Oh well.
Later.
.
I try to keep basic items stocked. If I could do two years on everything, I would. First, I don't know what that much looks like. Second, there are so many varied items and I am just one broken down, barely functioning, guy. From toothpaste to toilet paper and floss, then to foods. The problem with foods is low carb foods, meats and dairy for my system, aren't as easy to store. You can, but degradation is relatively fast and hard.
There is cheese and sausage and salami. But those are dated too, and require skill, tools, and a lot of work. As well, not even I see those as much more than relishes. They require to much salt to be practical meal replacements. Much as any packaged foods, only with better general other ingredients.
So, I am into more carby foods. I'm a bit nervous about going out. The stores are always packed, from my tests lately. I have heard they are closing at night to restock. Good for restockers, practical, but it means no quiet times to shop. If you have a bad heart, swimming through aisles with thoughtless careless hordes isn't wise.
I am out of cat litter. I need burger. And more lettuce, to cut carbs, would be good. I will check, several times, several stores, through the next few days. Just... a few packs, bags... enough for a week to month, with what else I have. Less than usual if more than usual for other people. Ugh. I've already been sideways accused of hording. In Utah! Oh well.
Later.
Monday, March 23, 2020
Had to chuckle.
.
.
Sometimes I receive things I assume to be advise. Some have figured out how to send vids? Or it just works that way? This one caused a roar of humor.
.
Sometimes I receive things I assume to be advise. Some have figured out how to send vids? Or it just works that way? This one caused a roar of humor.
Not much help.
.
.
So very tired. I didn't even get a shower taken or teeth brushed. I did help in very minor ways. Still, the mower deck is on. The blade and chains are off and stowed, and vehicles are in their proper places. Ducks and cats were fed, if litter needs changed and more bought. Well, and a second official meal for the girls. Plenty of food, little litter. Oh, and duck feed is needed. Blah.
I had hoped to work today, in the house. Isn't possible after what little I did. Might not have been possible anyway. So very tired. I tried to do some gaming. I wasn't able to do that. I'll look over the news, what of it I can trust. Then go on to bed shortly. I asked if someone could feed the ducks, so I can try to work on the house this week. No news so far. I understand, if not.
Good night.
.
So very tired. I didn't even get a shower taken or teeth brushed. I did help in very minor ways. Still, the mower deck is on. The blade and chains are off and stowed, and vehicles are in their proper places. Ducks and cats were fed, if litter needs changed and more bought. Well, and a second official meal for the girls. Plenty of food, little litter. Oh, and duck feed is needed. Blah.
I had hoped to work today, in the house. Isn't possible after what little I did. Might not have been possible anyway. So very tired. I tried to do some gaming. I wasn't able to do that. I'll look over the news, what of it I can trust. Then go on to bed shortly. I asked if someone could feed the ducks, so I can try to work on the house this week. No news so far. I understand, if not.
Good night.
Quite a sleep.
.
.
Shortly after trash went out and the post was published, perhaps at 8:30 (timestamps can be meaningless), I went down. I was so tired, but woke, gently, every few hours. I think I heard the garbage truck go by, picking up my refuse, at around 10:00. Sassy wanted to sleep with me. So I let her. Sam wanted attention. Nope. I was too disastrously tired. But she left well enough alone, several times, even leaving Sassy alone.
I kept hearing the phone. Only two texts. The first looked like a phony requested text back, thanking me for a recent purchase. The other from a neighboring man, asking about switching the plow over to the mower on the lawn tractor. I am hoping to do that solo, or some day. Not sure I can today.
I just flossed. Hope to get a shower and brush my teeth before he gets here. Then will see what I can do. I have been checking the green growies. Rhubarb is uncoiling nicely, but nothing else is up and out yet. Or was several days ago. I am really hoping for asparagus. I will try to figure out weeds and the good growie things this year. It is this year that they should be ready.
I am hoping to work and harvest all things this year, and maybe add a few fruit trees, berries... raspberries, or both. Perhaps a few more ducks and meat birds? It would be good. We will see. I best get cleaned up. Dressed. Even if I can't help. Will know soon. Later.
.
Shortly after trash went out and the post was published, perhaps at 8:30 (timestamps can be meaningless), I went down. I was so tired, but woke, gently, every few hours. I think I heard the garbage truck go by, picking up my refuse, at around 10:00. Sassy wanted to sleep with me. So I let her. Sam wanted attention. Nope. I was too disastrously tired. But she left well enough alone, several times, even leaving Sassy alone.
I kept hearing the phone. Only two texts. The first looked like a phony requested text back, thanking me for a recent purchase. The other from a neighboring man, asking about switching the plow over to the mower on the lawn tractor. I am hoping to do that solo, or some day. Not sure I can today.
I just flossed. Hope to get a shower and brush my teeth before he gets here. Then will see what I can do. I have been checking the green growies. Rhubarb is uncoiling nicely, but nothing else is up and out yet. Or was several days ago. I am really hoping for asparagus. I will try to figure out weeds and the good growie things this year. It is this year that they should be ready.
I am hoping to work and harvest all things this year, and maybe add a few fruit trees, berries... raspberries, or both. Perhaps a few more ducks and meat birds? It would be good. We will see. I best get cleaned up. Dressed. Even if I can't help. Will know soon. Later.
Mostly recovered.
.
.
Some of my bones still hurt from the wrenching they endured. I have been excessively exhausted since the demon dream. Keeping my eyes open has been, and remains, a great chore. My organs still hurt, but the pain has halved per day since. Another day or two and it should be back to the normal levels.
In spite of the exhaustion, I can't seem to even nap. I think the pain has been the issue. As that eases attempts to nap, or outright sleep, will continue. Muscle recovery is spotty. It feels as if there are cracks in my muscle groups. A hell of a dream? Some bones were hurt by muscles spasming from excessive use, some from being rent, twisted. Just a dream? Can't be.
I have been trying to get to work for days. Too tired. I am so tired I haven't been able to game. Two days of mostly just sitting, existing, painfully. I got the trash out, by 8:00. I hope that was in time? I tried all last night, could barely stand. I was only able to wake and act because of a dark, but not physical, dream last night. Shame for... the condition of my home... yea, I know.
I am still too tired, and shamed, to game. I will sleep again, for a while. If possible. After I can sleep again, I will work on the house. The dream really got to me. Not sure I can fix it. Will try.
.
Some of my bones still hurt from the wrenching they endured. I have been excessively exhausted since the demon dream. Keeping my eyes open has been, and remains, a great chore. My organs still hurt, but the pain has halved per day since. Another day or two and it should be back to the normal levels.
In spite of the exhaustion, I can't seem to even nap. I think the pain has been the issue. As that eases attempts to nap, or outright sleep, will continue. Muscle recovery is spotty. It feels as if there are cracks in my muscle groups. A hell of a dream? Some bones were hurt by muscles spasming from excessive use, some from being rent, twisted. Just a dream? Can't be.
I have been trying to get to work for days. Too tired. I am so tired I haven't been able to game. Two days of mostly just sitting, existing, painfully. I got the trash out, by 8:00. I hope that was in time? I tried all last night, could barely stand. I was only able to wake and act because of a dark, but not physical, dream last night. Shame for... the condition of my home... yea, I know.
I am still too tired, and shamed, to game. I will sleep again, for a while. If possible. After I can sleep again, I will work on the house. The dream really got to me. Not sure I can fix it. Will try.
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