Okay, learning the tool.

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I am slowly relearning the app, for food logging.  Not only can I see how things are, but how I want them to be.  Now, I ate too many carbs today, but all of veggies.  A, nothing I can do about it; b, since they are of veggies, I don't mind.  If just of veggies, or chia, I allow up to double.

Anyway, while I can't do anything about what was eaten, I can change what will be eaten to fill out the calories, proteins, and else to a better fit.  I was going to have a chia breakfast, then six ounces of pork roast.  But, I think I will alter that, after looking at the potential macros and calories.

I had set up to have 16 ounces, of pork, but that was too much.  Then I looked at 12 ounces, closer.  But I need more protein.  Not... sure what I could eat to add protein?  Ah, perhaps a cup of burger, on lettuce... a taco salad?  Let me check that.  

I need to go back, look over my numbers, and reset the fat, protein, and carb daily intake.  It keeps freaking me out, when I look, and it is way over the limits.  But, from a time when I had different goals.  Now, 150 grams of protein is nearly there, not a bad.  But, yes, after I do that I'll take a look again.

There we go.  Now I have learned, as well, how to check the day, and the meal, for calories, all of the macros independently, plus a ration.  Very very good.  Now, setup up my menu is much easier.  If I am thinking of a food, or group of foods, I can put them in, change amounts, or pull them all and start over!  For today?  For supper, 2 cups of ground burger, 2 cups of lettuce, and an ounce of english walnuts.  It may be a strange mix, but I'll have the nuts as a snack.  Oh, I have more calories.  I wonder how much cheddar would add?  I need more fats, as well, mostly, sort of.  I'm... still learning.  But I am learning.

Perfect, or thereabout.  I went 36 calories over, adding an half cup of cheddar to the taco salad.  Protein slightly high, fats slightly low, carbs... as mentioned... high... but already eaten.  Can't uneat it and you just try to disgorge it, fucker.  :p  I'm... not that... kind of girl.  Anyway... super.  Now to actually get that down my gullet before 20:00.  Hmm... it's just at 15:10.  I... might try to push it to be done by 18:00... staring on the six hour intermittent fasting.  That is for this week, maybe next.  Then I want to push it to four hours of feeding a day.  After a few weeks of that, then begin two day wholecloth fasting every week or every other week.

When I hit 240, then begin adding in some sort of exercise.  Not heavy, not long.  Perhaps half hour walks two times a week.  As well, maybe some sort of weight resistance or lifting.  Light, but on several levels.  If that works, eventually stretch walks to longer and more frequent, with the intention of getting back into swimming.  Swimming and moderate weight lifting, if doc thinks so... or maybe not.

Running before I am walking.  Can't even get a shower every day I want it, break down boxes, or do dishes currently.  So...  Still, one can hope.  Later.

A bit of something, or almost.

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Chores.  Right pretty early.  Not quite, as I was going to write, right away.  But not bad.  As well, I set up lunch.  I cut a bit of the pork off, then weighed it.  At 6.8 ounces, not a bad call.  I may have another of those later, or not.  More, I put about a cup of broccoli and a cup of cauliflower to bake.  Then after forty five minutes, put that pork cut in to bake with it... mostly just to heat it.  All to be done right at... noon.  And it is almost that time!  Hungry, but I made it.

After lunch, letting that sit and digest a bit, I am hoping to get out to the hydrant, break that loose with some heat.  I really want to get two buckets of water in, for the cats and waterers, and probably refill those.  Have enough water to refill all the waterers, then get two full buckets just for in here.  Ugh, but keeping up on some things can be a pain.  I'm not sure this will thaw the hydrant.  Hoping, too, that it won't break it, somehow.

If I can get that done, then a shower.  And dishes started.  I am rather tired, sore even from being tired.  Bodily.  I don't get that.  Slept well, eating right, taking medications, controlling blood sugar... Then again, maybe this really is as good as it gets.  A constant need for care, without any help available.  That just might be as good as a bad heart allows.  Docs knew it, which is why they tried to just let me die.  It may just not get better.  A lot of people who just blew their hearts with the vax are about to learn just how serious even a slightly bad heart can be, and for life.  A totally blown heart?  Most just don't live.  Or commit suicide because it is so brutal.

Well, I'm through with all that.  I live, harshly as may be, until I die... or am murdered.  Grumpy and odd enough, surprised that hasn't happened... yet.

Well, for whom the bells tolls?  Or alarm anyway... It rings for ME!  And my meal.  Good day.

Hungry?

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Yes, very hungry.  Not sure why.  Three hours and fifteen minutes before I can eat though.  Ugh... I best start drinking water.  Oh, and maybe tea.  It's not... perfect.  It's not what my body wants.  But I can do it.  Just like last night, I wanted another meal.  I went without.

Not sure why, now that I am eating well, that I would be hungry?  Low carbs, solid fat and protein consumption?  All good.  Oh, well, I have moved my food schedule from a waking food breakfast, to a 10:00 eating, and finally to a noon thing.  I... my body may be adjusting.  It's just been, what, a week since I was eating breakfast as soon as I could make it, after waking?  Yes, or close.  

Still, this is the first morning I have felt a hunger pang in a long time.  I am pretty sure I am medium to heavily into keto.  I have even kept to two drops of liquid sucralose, if by adding 2 drops of liquid stevia.  Which, while not as sweet, tasty, to my senses... does at a bit without spiking anything.  Doing my best... even if going on a false placebo affect.  Bleh.

So strange.  Still, all good.  I am looking forward to the pork roast, and maybe some veggies.  Broccoli, steamed, with butter.  Perhaps a mix of that and cauliflower.  I love veggies, now.  Always did like them, or was raised to do so and learned to appreciate veggies.  Thanks, ma.  She did her best, and her best wasn't too bad.

Now to... game a bit, in order to wake... after doing my morning internet rounds.  Might have missed someone or something.  And won't remember what I did notice, necessarily.  It's... how it goes.  Good morning, day, and else.  Duck and run, if need be.  Or stay and play if it's your time, or your tired of ducking and running.  Later.

What a sleep.

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Absolutely love a perfect sleep.  Didn't even wake to pee through the night.  Absolutely fantastic.  I get those, maybe, once or twice a year, if that has been improving.  Heart medicine is almost there.  And, it is making a difference.  I am still gimped, but by sleeping more regularly and fully, life is... better.

A shower this morning?  Hoped.  Getting the hydrant flowing, of giving that a shot?  Again, hoped.  I did get the rabbits more water last night.  The water I put out earlier was frozen.  They were happy to see me.  Whether I can get the hydrant flowing, or not, I will get them again this morning.  I have been 'recycling' their frozen waterers, as they have hydrant water, and are still, mostly, half full or more, or were.  They didn't like the softened water, from inside, and yea I get that.

I set the alarm for 07:00 this morning.  I went to bed around midnight thirty again.  Not... how I want it.  So, I am attempting to push back.  Which means waking earlier in an effort to be sleepy earlier.  As well, I will be pushing to get some work done.  Boxes, dishes, a shower, hydrant thawing... whatever it takes.  I wonder if eating more protein will help?  It almost has to.  I do some things which should build muscle, and sometimes that happens.  But it falls off over time.  I wondered why I could build muscle so quickly, and lose it so fast.  Now I know.

As someone suggested, boiling eggs today, as well.  Though frying some, would also be good.  Just, don't fry eggs in non-stick.  Might as well cut your balls off, or get fixed.  That stuff really does affect... a lot of things along those lines.  That and all the estrogen, from peed out pills, in the water... if you want to know what makes soy boys, it's that... not soy lattes.  Choices, I guess.  But... eggs, a fantastic add to meal preps.  Goes good with salt and pepper, or into a salad in parts, or... just however.  You almost can't overeat eggs.

Going to try to make it to noon, again.  My first meal will be pork roast.  I'll slice if off, and weight it.  The goal is 6 ounces.  Would rather go a little light than heavy, but it'll be what it is.  Then just whatever, for lunch and dinner.  Eggs would be a good addition, if I can get to it.

Blood sugar is 133 fasting.  Yea, I don't get that.  Afraid to take it higher.  Have taken it higher than the other day.  Not sure, maybe there is some... limit on effectiveness?  Will be taking a 4 cc fast acting dose with lunch, if eating the heaviest meal of the day.  I'll try to remember to check bp in an half hour to hour, I took meds, so just to wait to check bp a bit.

Oh, and if I saw right, and did look and not dream I looked this morning, it was 6 degrees out.  Well, it might have been.  As the sun is rising, and it looks to be actually going to be a sunny day, it is 2 F out there.  Well, winter had to happen.  And, really, we got spoiled this year, mostly.  Plus, snow just before Christmas.  Not a bad year.

Later.

A late dinner, again?

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Maybe.  Actually, after running the numbers, no.  No indeed.

I did get pretty close to calories, and macros?  Fat 76%, carbs 5%, and protein right at 19%?  Wow.  I didn't even... try.  I just added meat in.

Sure, I could lower the fats, replacing it with protein.  And I will.  While I don't, and I agree, need fats at that level, it does make it easier to compact meals into a certain timeframe... which I did perfectly tonight... starting my first meal at 12:30 in truth, and finishing my last meal at 19:45.  I still had forty five minutes.

Tomorrow, though, pork roast will be ready.  Just slice and heat.  And, I would rather the heavier part of it early, it just didn't work out that way today.  But, when the roast is already cooked, that becomes easy.  And, I was rather happy with the food.   Okay, a hundred twenty light on calories.  But that is fine.  I only used 19.8 of my carbs, and a reasonable portion were from fiber... 12... something are chia seed fiber.  Excellent.

Wow, I didn't think it would be possible to get macros and calories all right.  I just ate, and it happened.  I... doubt if it was, at all, happenstance.  I knew what needed to be added, if not how much.  Then, I just ran with what tasted and seemed right, some new, some old.  There was thought in there, just... not that exacting of consideration.  Very, very, nice.  Now, too, I have a very much better idea of what it takes.

I didn't get out to thaw the hydrant.  But I have the kit ready.  And, yes, that took a while to round up.  Tomorrow.  Perhaps first thing?  Well, to give it a try.  On to bed, very shortly.  I need to get night pills and slow acting insulin in.  My last blood sugar, a bit close to my last meal but... was 113.  I'll also try to check blood pressure in the morning.  I guess I really have to take medicines first thing.  I just... have to.  Some of the vitamins can wait until later, but general meds, yes.  Right away.  One more bottle of water, pills and insulin, then on to bed.  Goodnight.

Chores, very late.

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I... just couldn't get to it.  I turned up the furnace.  I dressed warm.  I dressed even warmer.  I had tea.  I had something warm to eat, then a fatted coffee, then another hot tea.  I just could not warm up!  Cold, chill, in a hard way.  Just will not warm up.  Even now, I just had to push through.  And did.

I did hold off my first meal until noon.  And, come Monday, I will try to eat all I will eat in six hours.  Which, to a degree, will mean off to the races.  I need to eat at least 1,500 calories in those six hours.  It's... actually much more difficult than it seems.  Heck, hitting 1,300 calories is a trick.  Well, without just drowning things in cream, butter, or such.  I'll... figure it out.

I did find a couple of guides on protein.  One still suggests higher fat, and that is reasonable.  I just think, for me, in trying to lose weight, less fat might be better... so long as it works.  I... still don't know if it will.  I will try.  It looks like the best sources for fat are burger, hamburger, as fat as I can get it.  And chicken and steak.  Pretty much what I AM eating, I just need to ramp the volume, mass?  Mass.  Which... will increase the volume, no way around that.  Just that mass is an easier objective point of the beginning of reasoning?  Aye.

I may have to cut down on chia, perhaps half the dose, all told?  I can always make the same amount, just save half for the next day?  As well, I think coconut milk has less fat, too.  Yep, 3 grams of fat for a tablespoon of coconut milk, 51 grams for raw whole cream.  So... that... will fix things, a bit.  Gives me something to play with.  I could even see mixing those.

I'll keep working food, but I really need to get to other things.  In that vein, I have gathered the heat gun and an extension cord... by which to begin attempting to thaw the hydrant.  Then to get fresh water.  I'm still not sure why it is frozen.  However, I am hoping, this evening yet, or tomorrow, to get the hydrant undone and flowing again.

Oh, and I do believe I am going to cook a port roast tonight.  It should last through the weekend, and maybe to Tuesday.  Just a slice at a time.  Oh, and that has a good margin, of nearly two to one protein to fat.  I'll have to see how many calories and else I have yet to add in, but this might be perfect.  Best get too it, I have to finish by 20:00 and it is running on 18:00?  Ugh, might just have to stretch it.  But... look... I'm just starting.  It takes a while to get it down.  Plus, really, until I get to six hours, or fours hours as I see it, it... isn't helping quite as much.  Until you get to eighteen hours fasting a day, it's not quite doing all that much.  Still, it's a start, and... it's... lining things up.

Well, on to cooking.  Nothing fancy.  Salt and pepper, time in the oven, and... so be it.  Blood sugar is 85.  Yes, I did take a dose, 6 to 8 cc's, can't remember.  Was having a lot of foods close together, wanted to be sure.  But... just one small dose for the whole day?  While essentially grazing?  Okay.  Later.

Yea, here.

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Ugh, but this is a big change to my program.  And, well, getting enough protein in will be difficult?  Or, how about this.  I don't know how to do it.  I was so focused on extra fats that I all but ignored protein.  I was hooked on the notion that extra protein would lead to glucose production.

No, it isn't just him.  I've gotten this, recently, from several of my keto gurus.  Believe?  I... don't have to believe.  I... suspect?  And doubt.  But, my method, the old method of avoiding protein, isn't working.  So... I go in a different direction.  Currently, as sedentary... for now... 60% carbs?  On a 1,879 calorie diet, that is ~1,127 protein calories.  And 30 grams of carbs, since carbs are 4 calories per gram, that would be 120 calories, leaving 632 calories for fat.  And, fat is 9 calories per gram, so... 70 grams of fat?  The ratio would then be 60% protein, 6.4 carbs, and 33.6 percent fat?

Oops, not for me.  Give the sedentary situation I am forced to be in, and taking his numbers for that and applying it to me?  The ratio is 64% fats, 30% proteins, and 6% carbs, at 1879 calories, that is ~1,203 calories/~134 grams of fat, ~564 calories/~141 grams of protein, and 113 calories/~28 grams of carbs?  Okies, that... is more like it.  He threw me, with his last comment, of starting with 60% protein.  That... might be if you are already going AND working out.  Until I get to that point, stably, best to keep to what I wrote in this paragraph.  Then morph to the other paragraph... if I can.  Or somewhere inbetween.

Still, it doesn't tell me how to get that much protein in my diet.  But... that... can be arranged.  That is still a massive amount of protein to add.  I'll... do some meal planning, sorting, figure it out... add as possible.  You don't just turn the Titanic on a dime, and you don't shift your whole food plan in a week.  Mostly.  Then again, I found I as quite able to do quite a bit of tuning in just two days.  So... depends on if I have the food required available.  Later. 

Down late, up late.

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On purpose, or with purpose if later than proposed.  I wanted to extend the time between pill medicine doses.  Taking those too close together can be... severe.  Sometimes I handle it well, but when I am already very tired, cold and having trouble warming, and such, not so much.  I wanted to stay up to 23:00, but ended up just losing track until midnight thirty.  But I slept well right at that.  *Bam*  Lights out.

Still, medicine is set.  And, after taking it, an half hour after, I will check bp.  Checking it multiple times a day isn't helpful.  Hmm, maybe an hour after?  An half hour might work, since it will be on an empty stomach?  I may try both, and find out.  Anyway, back to checking, since, even if a bit wrongly, or imprecisely, I have taken medicines for the last four to six days, uninterrupted.

Blood sugar is 156 fasting.  Now, I did polish off the chicken, the last three drumsticks, last night at about bedtime.  I... was so hungry!  It wasn't actually physical hunger.  It wasn't even psychological hunger.  It was taste hunger.  They were so good!  I... just... wanted more!  And, being up so long extra, my willpower finally failed.  Oh, I get Sam.  She loves my chicken even more than I do.  Save that last batch.  That was horrible.

Anyway, not a good read.  I... just don't get it.  I am actually going to back down the slow acting insulin, and try to use fast acting more often, if in smaller doses.  Say two to four cc's at ~135, at meal times, and even two to three if it's at 120, as I eat?  I want it lower, and my fasting blood sugar is being squirrelly.  The last several docs seem to think I should be able to get it down to 80 to 100, on slow acting alone.  I... haven't seen that.  And this, with eating rightly.  You can't eat better, as a diabetic, than what I have been eating for weeks.  Even my calorie count is lower than pound and an half weight loss calorie suggestion.  Probably averaging between 1,200 and 1,600 calories (so, say, 1,400), rather than the 1,879 calories allowed.  Even last night, I finally hit close but still a few under calories, but only because I ate those last three pieces of chicken!  Ugh.

As to that last batch?  I think I simply overcooked it by so long, that, while it didn't look terrible, there was no fat left, and nothing else?  it was completely drained of anything flavorful or good.  Odd how you can render meat to, pretty much, beyond even death.  Not sure why I did that?  Won't do it again, on purpose.

Oh, I still have to do some sorting.  Figuring out all the macros and calories.  Well, and menus which will work with them.  Initially, I don't mind having more fats, as I change and push things around.  But, according the the schedule I had created before (If I think I was trying to cut fats a bit, for calories sake), just breakfast manages all the fat I need for the day.  

While... okay, for now, and until I shrink my eating times to four hours per day, only, I don't mind the higher fat.  It smooths the process.  But, at some point, I need to sort that a bit.  I probably do want to get to about 65% fat, which is still double a typical (33% fat, protein, and carb, that is often (if I think even then unwisely) suggested.  

Though 33% fat is reasonable, necessary, for most people, less carbs is preferred (ignoring the mic, medical industrial complex, which is as bad for us as the government, these days).  I think, optimally, for me, would be 65% fat, 20% protein, and 15% (or less) carbs.  The trick is to get more protein in.  I'll... be working on that today.  I just hate the idea of protein powders.  I really do.  But, I may have no choice.  That may be the one thing missing in my diet, and could really... help me back to wellness.  It would allow muscle creation and retaining.  It really might be a large part of my health issues, or a part of why that keeps me down.  More muscle would be a very good thing.

Anyway... that's the morning meandering of thought, hope, goals, and sich.  Now on to some tea, then browsing other people's business, and then on to chores, a shower, cat litter, feeding all, and such.  I'll keep at it, you do too.  I worry about you, even those who ran away.  If... that is how I do.  I still pray for you.  Amen.

Everything took a long time.

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Not just doing, getting to it.  Difficult.  Cranky.  Sore.  Tired.  I finally got medicine set up.  Felt foolish though, as there was a day left.  I should have taken it earlier, just didn't see that portion of it.  I set up one and an half months, with nineteen days with everything.  The other days will have to wait until I get a refill.  Still, that gives me time to see if it is working.  I will have to stay awake a few more hours before I will take night pills.  Even that is pushing it.  So it goes.

Blood sugar is 113.  Nice, but... it seems to jump a lot during the night.  Doesn't make sense.  I didn't even close the calorie gap, still 300 shy, give or take.  However, that was... pretty good... fixing macros and calories, on the fly.  Tomorrow will be much better.  Given that, so far, it looks like an extra drop of liquid sucralose is... diabetically manageable.  But that is one trial, not exactly a certainty.

My mother called.  I was a bit surprised.  Just a bit of a talk.  She sounds happy, comfortable.  Her brother is getting her out tomorrow.  All good.  Is she happy, or is she smiling through it?  At our ages and healths, actually, it could go either way.  I might get grumpy, about this or that, or things, from time to time.  But, yes, I... am happy.  And, I suspect she is, mostly.  We might not get our way, all of the time, or seemingly any of the time.  And, yet, what we have is still pretty good.  Or... so it seems.  I believe her, mostly.  I just wish I could afford to see her one last time.  I'll never get to see my brother's family, either, most likely.  It's... just how it goes, at a point in life.  Back to not always getting what we want.  I have... found family here, of a sort.

It is about 27 to 29, or through the day.  I didn't get out and get the hydrant thawed, perhaps tomorrow.  I'm going down, hard.  Sleepy type.  I have to be awake a few more hours, and to take pill meds.  I suppose I can feed the girls, check their litter, get slow insulin in, if not in that order.  Then more gaming?  Perhaps looking over the internet, see if anything is changing I might want to know about.  Doubt it, but who knows.  Later, or goodnight, etc.

Now to sort protein.

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As is, with one meal corrected for today, and one not, carbs were brought down to ~30 grams, and will usually be about half that, with much of that being (12 grams) carbs of fiber.  I can live with this.  And, fat?  Easy enough.  Fixed it already today.  Went from 1/4 cup of cream to half a cup.

Now, however, to get more calories.  At 1,206 calories, where the weight loss calories should be 1,879, I... need to sort that out.  Adding nuts might help.  Shouldn't be too much more carbs.  I don't know.  I guess, all over again, I am having to reconfigure.  At least I have many ingredients, products, methods to cook, oils, and else to make it happen... if... I can make it happen.

I need to find something that is calorie richer.  Actually, I don't mind going heavier or fats.  And, can handle extra omega 6s.  Though some nuts have a good balance.  And can look at other seeds.  Ugh, but this can be a bit tricky.  Still, after restarting, after just two days, that I am nearing balance... I... it's not bad.  But, really, this is the remnants of the cumulative study for years.  I forget, when I fall, but not everything.

Well, on to chia breakfast.  I think I will add an ounce or two of nuts, say half pican and half walnuts?  Right in with the 'cereal'.  Yes...  Almost perfect.  Now, that takes my fats to ~82%, carbs to 14%, and protein to an anemic 4%.  Still, it's a start.  I don't mind the carb percent, or actually even the fats.  Save that I need more protein... both to develop strength, in time, build muscle, but as much not to lose it through internal cannibalism.  That... might be part of the problem.  Definitely need more protein.  I'll... be thinking on that. 

Later.

A slogging slow day.

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Just not able to get to things.  But, did, finally, get chores done.  They had food, if they got more.  Waterers were frozen.  Will get them more water tonight.  The hydrant is frozen.  I am hoping to get that fixed in a bit... if possible.  The hot air gun, and extension cord, and a bit of time?  Hopefully.

I also have to reset the med dispenser.  Not low, I see, but out.  I may, if possible, set up two months, with only two weeks with the newest medicine.  In part because that is all I have.  I best check bp daily, for this next week, and keep on them so that the readings are true.  I have been doing well for three or four days, so that should be enough.

Oh, but I did cook.  Chicken drumsticks in the air fryer.  Very very good.  The bottom of the basket was mostly full.  I did 12 minutes on one side, 16 on the other side.  And... just right.  Oh, but I best clean out the basket before using it again.  I think I had six drumsticks?  Yes.  Wanted more.  They are tasty, but... six it was.  Then a fatted coffee.  

Too many carbs, by far.  I'm going to have to sort that out.  Now, granted, all of the carbs from chia are fiber.  Not sure where else the carbs are coming in?  Chicken, without any carbs added, is zero carbs.  And the fatted coffee?  Cream doesn't have any carbs.  Something... just isn't reading right.

Actually, I figured out what was putting so much carbs in.  Well, chia adds 12 grams, but it is all fiber.  That doesn't mean it isn't counted.  Though, probably to a lesser degree.  Perhaps a third to two thirds of those I should actually count.  but I will leave them in, just... because.  Call it given in to good carbs.  It keeps bad carbs out.  A net positive for me.

The problem was monkfruit.  I have eliminated it from my coffee, and halved it in my breakfast... from now on.  I may cut even more.  If I can tolerate it, and see if adding a three instead of two drops of liquid sucralose will work.  Doing as I suggest, plus what I have done, will leave me at 12 carbs for the day.  And well under the calories allotted.  Which I actually need to boost.  A part of the potential problem is that liquid sucralose, while being zero carbs, can trigger an intense insulin response.  But, I was drinking six to eight drops per half gallon, and drinking four to eight of those of tea per day.  So... yea, right.  This would be... a lot less, and not even daily.  Fatted coffees are irregular items.  A few times a week.

Now to tinker with fats and proteins.  Actually, I need to more clearly decide how much of each I need.  To be honest, I think 62 to 68 percent fat is fine.  There are reasons, with the diet, to go higher.  It was initially used for people with seizures?  And they really needed the higher fat, still do if they go that way.  For ketosis, in general, and weight loss specifically, a lower fat percent is fine.  As to protein?  I think you can heat a higher percentage of protein before it is turned into carbs... at least once you get to fat-burning.  Once you are there, you can have bit more protein without a problem.

Amazing, though, how full I feel on how little I am eating.  And, more, I really do need to figure out how to get more calories in.  I am actually low on fats, a bit.  And very low on proteins, as I had them set up.  Not sure if the previous setup is right, going to go back over it.  If I play the diet as if it was a game, I... can do well.  Yea... I'll... do that.

Still, I have finally started back at it.  Medicine is allowing some function, and day cycle.  But not as much function as I had hoped.  Still...  Oh, best get to medicine.  It is getting late.  Hmm, and I need to eat, too.  Chia seed breakfast.  This time with half the monkfruit and erythritol mixed sweetener.  Maybe less?  I may even try it with just three drops of so-and-whositz, liquid sucralose, see if that is tolerable to both taste and blood sugar.  Maybe with a drop of fast acting insulin... 6 cc's or so.  Ugh.   Blood sugar was 122, last time.  Later.

Bummer.

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At least this time, going to bed with a eerily low blood sugar worked out.  That isn't the bummer part.  Blood sugar being 133 fasting is the bummer part.  My last meal, around 17:00, was salad, my last read at 22:55 was 82... I just... would have hoped it was lower.  Yes, I took slow acting.  And a fast acting with one of the meals.

I am a bit reluctant to take more slow acting.  I don't want it to flip, all of a sudden, and make for a brutal day of eating sugar constantly to keep up.  I don't really trust the stuff.  It's not like it's a one day, and done, thing, either.  It lingers, for days.  Which is why I consider it somewhat dangerous.  The fast acting, if I overdo, I can make up right on the spot.  It might take an hour, and some sweating, nausea, and weakness that ruins a day or two.  But...  I don't know with slow acting insulin.  So I am being a bit cautious.  I want to see what it does, several days running, before altering.  I have one more day before I decide.  

Actually, after looking it over, today is the day to decide.  The last three mornings have been 133, 115, and 133.  So, yes, actually I will increase the load.  I am supposed to increase it by one cc per three days, but I have been increasing it by three.  At this point, I will taper that down to two cc's per three days.  As it was running, I would never have gotten to range.  And, if it gets to, say, 105 to 108, I'll then cut it to one cc per three days.

I know, worry about overdoing, and then sprinting at the line.  But... so be it.  It is how I do, you should know these things by now.

Oh, the food logger?  It is saying some things have more calories than what is in them, but I have learned that they can be edited.  I'll go fix that.  In this case, it is my cheese slices.  I think they are trying to say they are 70 or 80 calories per slice, but my packaging suggests, 40 to 60.  A quibble, but...  I only had two, yesterday, but still...  Some days I have four to six.  Adds up.

Now, to warm up.  The girls have to wait for food.  But I could get their litter.  I have been doing their litter every morning and night, and often in between.  Feeding, treating, and keeping their water good.  But, I won't feed them in the morning, until up three hours.  I have cut it to two and an half hours this morning, because I am late.  But they won't know the difference.  It's FOREVER!  ... if it's five minutes or two and an half hours or three hours.  *grins*

And I will begin eating sometime around ten or eleven.  Could even push it to noon?  Then cut my eating time to six hours?  If I do that, I may have my heavy meal first... chicken drumsticks, in the air fryer?  With a salad?  Yes, maybe.  Then have the chia later.  Though, maybe, make it savory rather than sweet?  Yes, yes, I could do that.

I have meat for the week, thawed.  I may get some of it cooked up today, the ground burger.  I still have some left, but it is running low.  And that really lasts well, and works with everything.  I might try another type of noodle with my homemade (if from canned tomato) marina sauce.  And, then, have another meat that day.  I have been meat starved for too long.  I'll indulge, for just a week, then go back to slightly less meat.  As mentioned, with chia seed and it's omega 3s, I don't have to worry as much about omega 6s.  

You want a balance, but just with one ounce of chia seed, I am getting over three hundred percent of daily requirements.  So, eating a bit extra omega 6s over a week isn't a concern.  I'm not sure I could eat enough meat to overtake that, certainly not these days.  Maybe if I was like a friend, if even he... seems to be watching what he eats these days?  A pleasing notion.  I don't want him to have disease when he gets my age.  You can't be perfect, in this world.  But you... can do better.  He has, or says, almost stopped drinking soda.  A very good thing.  Then again, the bulk of my illness has nothing to do with my eating.  

I ate well, and worked out hard, and still got plowed under.  The world isn't fair.  But I am still alive, for what it is worth, because I was so brutal on myself back then.  Benching two and an half times, and probably more, my body weight... and swimming nine miles a week, and easily able to swim twelve to twenty miles if given the time, and maybe some time off the day after... though not even necessarily if required...  I was... good.  Hated running, but could if required... did when required.

When I was 240, then, I wore a 31 waist.  And it wasn't tight.  If I get to 240 now, I'll be lucky to get to a 36 or 38 waist, probably?  At best a 34?  Still, that's the goal, the initial goal.  Probably still have a belly, as well, just a bit smaller of one.  Yea, probably have to get down to 220, or even 200, then start back fresh?  Maybe.  But I am back on track to take off the weight.  I am doing it as much to climb as other things.  Right now, my weight is too much for me to build the strength to climb.  But I want, as I once did, to be able to climb.  At the right weight, I should be able to build enough to climb.  All I need is to, say, bench my weight plus half, though being able to do double my weight would make roping easy.  Then, with the right equipment, roping is a breeze.  I have the equipment.

Oh, blathering on.  I... will go wake a bit.  Then get on with my day.  Be well, have a great morning, day, afternoon, or night... wherever you might be.  And stick a little prayer in there.  And tell God I told you so.  :)  I'll take all the extrias I can get.  And I didn't spell that wrong.  Cheers.

Risks.

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Yes, I should be in bed.  If actually it is earlier than I had worried, before looking.  Time flies, but can seem to fly more than it has, at times.  I've been so tired all day I am surprised I am not yet in bed as well.  I... started playing, to chill.  Didn't chill, got lost in the game.  Still, just at 23:00.  I... can do that.

The risk?  For whatever reason, blood sugar is 84.  That... seems low.  It is low.  But it isn't out of bounds.  And, often, while sleeping, blood sugar rises.  For this once, I am going to go on to bed, as is.  I have candies up there.  Actually, I have carb tabs too.  The VA sent those with my last order.  And I have water, so I don't just choke on those.  I'll use the tabs, first, as I think they are a little better?  Dirty, but not as dirty?  Maybe, maybe not.

This will be the lowest blood sugar I have gone on to sleep with, that I am aware.  And, yes, it makes me nervous.  I can only hope, as usual, the symptoms of a negative spike will wake me.  They have in the past, and do during the day... if I am paying attention.  Even if lightly, I... generally have a good sense.  It's, just, this is so close to a very bad number.  Well... only one way to find out, learn.  If it doesn't kill me, I'm golden.  If it does?  I'm even better, if that absolutely isn't the plan.  My mother would... well... kill me, again, somehow.  Or gripe about it until we could talk about it.  :)

Be well, sleep well, God's blessings, and good dreams.

Tired.

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Very tired.  The snow cleaners were by.  I had hoped to have until tomorrow.  I couldn't do it all, but hoped to get the driveway.  There was nothing I could do today.  Still, with that done, tomorrow I may try to scoop the way between the gate and the outbuilding.  Just in case we get more snow.  If I get stuck, I now am certain, if I needed a pull, I could get it... and easily.  If pushing wasn't successful.

Chores were done.  Their water was all frozen.  They all had food remaining.  Water, twice a day, from now on.  Odd thing?  It isn't even that cold.  At 28, it shouldn't be freezing so quickly and so solidly.  There is no wind.  The air is flat.  I just don't get it.

I haven't figured out how to thaw the hydrant.  Though, I think tomorrow, I will get the hot air gun out there and use it for a bit... on the exposed pipe.  It is galvanized steel pipe, I believe.  It should be able to handle it.  Then, I'll pull a couple of buckets of water out of there every day, back to back.  Maybe twice a day?

Still exceedingly full.  Salad will do that.  Can do it?  Must have plugged the correct fast insulin dose, two hours after and it's 102.  It's a guessing game, some days.  Doesn't always make exact sense.  Though... missing a slow acting, overcounting carbs, misjudging the way it is going... easy to do when trying to run 80 to 100 blood sugars.  Well, and still nervous about being in that range.  It gives very little room for any sort of mistake.  And packaging and manufacturers mislabel.  Though even food from raw can be trickier than it seems.

All medicine in or down.  So very tired.  I just want to give it an half hour to hour, then go on to bed.  Goodnight, sleep well, dream well... or at least enjoy the strife or fear in it.  I do miss having a good nightmare.  It's... been a while.  It's been a while since I have dreamed at all.  Goodnight.

Relearning the app.

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Okay, still have to find a guide for the app.  But, just tinkering to learn how to do things.  I have learned how to create recipes.  It turns out, my breakfast is about 12 grams of carbs, 347 calories, and... hmm, can't remember all.  It seems reasonable.  A little high on carbs, higher than I like.  And, yet, as my meals get squished in time, and my capacity to eat diminishes... which it is doing, I think it will work out.

The next thing I need to do is sort out how to add a product wholecloth.  Creating a name for it, such as meat sticks, then adding macros and else.  I haven't quite figured out where to even begin with that... through the search menu?  Perhaps there is a means of creation through naming, in searching?  I'll... figure it out.

Oh, I thought to try a different tack.  It worked.  I was doing a search, but didn't realize there were categories.  I was searching for beef sticks, but in 'my meals'.  In general search, it did show.  I just had to figure out how much I ate.  Ugh.  But, done.  Now, for my first day, I hit right at 1540 calories, which is a reasonable amount less than my 2140 (ish) allotment.  Carbs were a bit high, fats a bit low, but protein was really low?  I'll have to sort things a bit.

What surprised me was that I wasn't able to eat that many calories in the time allotted.  I have felt stuffed all day.  Actually, I was trying to break the bank, so to speak, on calories.  Couldn't come close.  Now, I suppose, I can back off consumption.  Easily.  Still, I actually do want to eat about the calories I ate today, maybe a few hundred more.

That goal calories is already a weight loss goal.  But, I am sure I need at least what I ate today, and probably more, to get my metabolism to kick in and up.  I have to eat enough to begin using, burning, calories.  Without enough calories, I'll just be tired and cold all the time.

Now to take medicines.  Oh, blood sugar, after the first meal, was 165 I think.  Then, before this meal, it was 136.  I took insulin after the 165, but not this time, or such?  I just need to get slow acting insulin and pill medicines in.  Then check the waterers.  As well, get cat litter cleared and maybe get them fed a last time.  Or at least offer them treats?  Treats, I have fed them three times today.  More than I should, but... some days they really seem to need it.

Sassy doesn't need it, she's a furry bowling ball.  But Sam, just skin and bones.  She is the picture of starvation, in spite of having all the solid cat food she can eat, getting three wet/canned cat food meals a day, plus two treats.  She terrifies me, sometimes.  And she drinks (if only water) like a sailor... peeing a lot, all day.  Ugh.  It's, just, in her last years, months, days, moments, I don't want her to feel hungry.  She is dying, and quickly now.  I want her... to be comfortable.  When she goes, I will be cutting Sassy back.  A lot.

I am hoping, tomorrow, to get the driveway cleared.  I had thought to clear a way between the house and the outbuildings.  But, after walking there and back, twice recently, the path is rather clear.  Unless we get even more snow, I don't think so.  The fear of getting the lawn tractor stuck is a thought.  I have people who might help me get out.  Then again, I might be able to tug it free myself?  Maybe.  I... keep thinking on it though.  Definitely the driveway.

Well, too, if I could get snow off some of the branches, I would.  We got so much snow, and it is so heavy, that I have pine branches sort of being a bother as I feed the rabbits, in the way.  I'd like to sort that out.  I did try, with a rake.  No go, it just didn't help.  Knocking, pulling, lifting, bouncing the branches, nope.  Wouldn't let loose or rise.  Ugh.

Well, a good day.  Starting up on my food plan.  Learning and figuring things out.  I just need to figure out how to reset by current weight, and restart from that.  Later, or good night.

Chores and breakfast.

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Later than hoped.  Tired.  Yesterday tuckered me out.  On top of that?  More snow.  We got six to eight inches yesterday.  I'd say eight to ten, really.  The first few inches melted into ice, or the ground drank some of it.  then what came after went just on top.  And, it places where there was no wind to sort it, six inches remains.

Now, we got the snow removed yesterday.  And it is all back today.  As well, it just seems cold.  I checked, it is only 28 F, which... is rather nice.  But it SEEMS cold, even indoors.  I was having trouble warming up until I had breakfast.  I have logged my first meal in a long time, and will make my best attempt to log every meal, from now on.

I need to get my goals and all reset.  I just am not familiar with this program.  I may see if there is a tutorial, somewhere.  It seems to be a more popular app, so there probably is.  One can hope.  The chia breakfast, with whole cream, amounts to 347 calories.  I'm not sure about carbs and else.  Oh, and they only count a tablespoon of cream as 51 calories, unlike the 70 I see online in many places.  To be honest, I trust this app more than... online sources as a general rule.  Especially since, when I looked last time, it was counted as 51 calories on most sites.  I don't trust "new" numbers.

I did get morning medicine in, with breakfast.  So I am caught back up on medicine.  As long as I take medicine tonight, it will be all good.  However, I need to reset medicine dispensers.  The thing is, I am not sure if this new medicine is working out.  I am on the edge of perpetual exhaustion, I don't thing my bp is lowering... yes, I do need to start checking more often, but on days where I haven't just flubbed and missed, so am double doing doses.  Ugh...  I'll... get back to checking, soon.

I think I'll have a pork chop, or two?  I should check to see how many calories that has... and fat and protein.  Two might be reasonable, or not.  And, given how the steak turned out, I may go about exactly the same time and temp.  While it overshoots steak, that would be about perfect for pork... chops or else.  Gotta cook it done, but don't want to overdo and dry it out either.  *licking lips... or chops*

Anyway... so, now, the driveway is full of snow.  Again.  Not fair.  I'm just not sure I am up to getting out and doing that.  So tired.  Worn.  It is on the menu, so to speak.  Not sure it is possible.  I did, finally, get to chores.  I thought I had waterers ready, but not so much.  Had to refill those, and wanted to give them time to warm.  But, just getting the waterers filled was a trick.

Had to warm the body, it just wasn't warming.  Furnace up, warming clothing, an extra layer, and... finally.  Warm enough to do waterers.  Which... wore me out.  But, finally, after another breather, to it.  They still had food.  More thirsty than else.  But, now, I have waterers ready for tonight and tomorrow, maybe tomorrow night.  But the hydrant is frozen again!  I'll see if there is a way to get those flowing.  It really shouldn't be freezing.  Something strange, and it is only 28, so not even terribly cold!  Grh!

Well, another hour until I check blood sugar and consider a meal.  A or two chops, maybe some steamed broccoli and/or cauliflower, and a fatted coffee?  Sounds good to me.  Or, maybe, a butter coffee?  I've not tried one of those, really.  A keto coffee, or bullet coffee, some such.  Might look up the recipe.  Oh, and I should get chicken broth out.  That is excellent with a bit of butter, salt, and pepper.

Later.

Waking a bit rough.

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Ten or fifteen before five,  Cleared the girls' litter, cleaned out the pee jug.  It is taking four to five days to fill the thing, decided to use bleach on it, each time I clear it.  Not even filling it all the way.  Though my hope of not needing it anymore seems to be fading.  Then again, I seem to be drinking more than I had been.

To that end, I am trying to just take a sip ever so occasional, rather than attempting to quench thirst all at once.  Thought there are times when I seem to need a lot of water all at once.  Even then, I am trying to just take sips, separated by as much time as possible, to limit fluid intake.  But when your life is full of little tricks, to try to manage your world, from eating to drinking, how much time is left for living?  Ugh.

I was sure blood sugar would be high this morning.  A whole extra meal, after the allotted time too, outside of the intermittent fasting schedule... if not by much.  I am working so hard to do right, and yet, here I keep finding myself.  Testing... proved otherwise.  Blood sugar is 115 fasting this morning!  Food is definitely the way to go... if I can, have the time and ability.  Even so, I really need to be careful about insulin intake.  I keep overcorrecting.  Lesson... lessons... learned?  I can hope.  I don't even think I remembered slow acting insulin last night?  I definitely forgot pill meds... taking them this morning, hoping to catch up on the cycle through the day.  Ugh.

Well, I keep trying.

He got the scoop on the lawn tractor, so... if I see snow, and am able, I can get out to it.  I probably can't do the frontage area out front, but I can get the driveway itself, and maybe get a path to the outbuilding.  I may try that later today.  It's not the fastest, but it does rather well, to be honest.  It has been the best ~1k I have ever spent.  I couldn't afford it these days.  But I think the government wants the disabled completely dependent.  They don't want us to be able to solve our problems.

Back to intermittent fasting.  I purchased thick cut chops, a sort of rare item locally.  It has been showing up in the shops lately, I've seen them every third time I have been out.  We called them iowa chops.  Uhrm, in Iowa.  But I really love those.  I have been wanting more meat on the menu, and, so, it is.  As well as the steak cooked, and quickly, I want to try a chop.  The steak was over done with six minutes on one side, and eight on the other, at 400.  It was still good, mind you, just not rare, medium rare, or even what I would call rare.  Oddly still delicious.  I'll lower the temp, next time, to 350.  Chops and steaks are similar.  Same time, 350, we'll see.  And, that will be lunch, not supper.  Just cheese sandwiches, or a salad, for supper.  And chia will remain my usual breakfast.  It works, it's easy, and I like it.  Might begin adding nuts to my "cereal".

I am trying to eat denser food, and completely get away from snacks.  That may take time, but intermittent fasting may help with that.  More calorie, fat, and nutritionally dense meals also helps with that.  Oh, and with my weight obtained yesterday, I will begin with that food logging programming today.  It looks like I have 36 pounds to lose, of 276, to my first goal.  At that point I will do a reassessment.  My bet is 220 or even 200 is where I may need to be.  At which point, I may try to work out.  I simply can't work out well with all this extra weight on top of my condition.  Maybe all a pipedream, but... it's what I've got.

I best get to refilling waterers.  I need that done before morning feeding as the sun comes up.  Well, a bit after.  I like it to be as light as day allows before feeding and watering.  They may not need much food, given that they still had food and I added to it last night.  Even so, I will make sure.  And, the girls are set to be fed at eight, a three hour wait after I wake.  Little turds, sometimes, but learning...  Later.

Well, that's better.

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Instead of salad, I went with yogurt and fruit.  Then I had the steak.  I feel... better.  I still need to get the last rabbits fed and watered.  Then I am going to crash.  I feel rotten, that got way too low.  It's still low, but food should raise blood sugar, in time.  Ugh.

Oh, what might raise it, in truth, wasn't the steak or yogurt and fruit, as that is all almost without sugar, was milk.  I had a couple of cups.

On to rabbits, and then bed.  Good night.

I did some of it.

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The chores, that is.  I got the closest group done.  But it was so bitterly cold?  Or am I having a blood sugar crash, downward spike.  Something feels very wrong.  Crap, yep, blood sugar drop.  It is 58.  thankfully I have some meat thawed, fresh vegetables, and I think I can get food going.

I'll have a steak, if a salad first.  I'll try the steak in the air fryer.  I'll just have the salad, and some dressing or other to start it off.  I am not sure it is all that cold out there, but when blood sugar or blood pressure goes low, I become vulnerable to excesses... heat, cold, long hours, all tend to burn me down.

I did get the closest group, but was having tunnel vision.  I'll get the steak going, then get some salad eaten, turn up the furnace, heat up a bit, then get the last group of rabbits.  Oddly, again, they still had food, some of them, most of them.  But water... they need water.  I'll get them again, in the morning, first thing.  And get them in the evening again.  Ugh... so rough.

I took a bit extra, insulin, because I allowed myself french fries today.  The burgers are fine, didn't need much insulin with those.  And, really, I should have tested first.  But I was out, and running.  I wondered why I got so tired doing these things, but, yea.  With blood sugar probably coming down right away, exhaustion happens.

Yes, but life will be good.  With a bit more food.  There goes intermittent fasting, but I can try to hurry, and cut those losses a bit.  It happens.  Later.

Yes, yes, all good.

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Completely exhausted.  But, some things done.  A trip to town.  Enough money in the account to do some shopping.  Here, and there, food, and feed, plus a car wash, and... a bit more.  Plus, the young gun got a couple of his listed items bought or looked after.

Life is so good when something gets done.  When several of those things get completed, life is golden.  But boy am I tired and even a bit sore.  Oh, but I forgot the rabbits.  After getting everything in and stored, I have to have a break.  As soon as I catch my wind, I will get them fed and watered.  I'll bet they are a bit sore at me, but... okay.  I'm only human, and it will happen.

Oh, and trying to find a new home for the chicken/bird feed.  I just bought a bunch when someone murdered them.  I just hate to see it go to waste.  And, while at it, I bought snow shovels.  One is plastic, with a metal lip.  The other is metal.  I want to see if the metal really will last longer.  Strangely, they were the exact same price, or close enough.  I haven't seen metal snow shovels, or I would have bought one before.  Well, when younger, they only sold metal ones.  So I have, but not in such a way, or time really, in which I could compare.

Ugh, but I am so very tired.  I did eat in town, but I had insulin.  And I brought my water.  I have until 18:00, so I decided to have the kombucha.  Not sure it really counts, but didn't want to consume it after my meal times.  I have 38 minutes, so will be done by then.  To the inch, if I want or need, and as much as I feel the want or need, so long as it is keto... dirty, clean, but keto.  Amen.

Oh, caught Sam in the food I had brought in.  She didn't see me coming, and won't likely ever do that again.  Yes, punished.  She knows far better.  She'll be tight for a while, but fuck her.  She knows better.

Now to catch my wind.  Wow.  That little bit has absolutely exhausted me.  I'll sleep well tonight.  Later.

A shower, finally.

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I have been wanting to shower for... a while.  Just haven't gotten to it.  After sending the text, I was expecting help to arrive later.  But it arrived quickly.  So, I showered, didn't want to be even more off-putting than usual.  Or... as usual?  :p  And, I was right.  Just as I had gotten out, and was half dressed, the doorbell rang.  So, I rushed to it.

We jabbered just a bit.  He asked if I would help.  To shovel areas his machine wouldn't get.  I... couldn't.  The pills, heck, getting a shower was tough.  So, he went on.  However, after thinking, I... got dressed, and texted him I would help.  He was just across the street, doing another people's drive.

Now, all he needed there was... my bum.  He had me sit on the back of his machine, to give it weight, through some of it.  Though it didn't work for all of it.  Then, he had a bit left of his driveway.  One of the drives he usually does was already done, and he was going to do his sister's, but his b-i-l was out at it.  So... we didn't have much to do.  I did get to do a little bit of shoveling, and that... really wore me.

The thing is, I got my breath back fairly quickly.  And, am feeling better.  Would like to get to town, asked him if he would go along.  Always good to have a sidekick.  Maybe.  We still have a bit of work to do, to get he plow on my machine.  I may not be able to get the frontage area, but I can get the driveway.  And would like to open the path to the outbuilding.  Well, and there is the sidewalk, to the front door, for delivery people.  I'll probably salt that too.  It's a tough gig, I like to be good them, as I am able.

Back just in time to have breakfast at 10:00.  Which... had been made, and left.  I had tried, since I knew I would be out, to get breakfast beforehand, but... it was time to go before it was ready.  All good.  Medicine, vitamins, electrolytes, and a fresh extra water, plus breakfast, down and working.  No insulin.  But I may take some with, and have a Wendy's burger, two actually, doubles, on lettuce.  It may not be perfect keto, but it is keto and does work.  As I said, as I go into intermittent fasting, I am allowing more calories, and heavier fat.  More so when I go to six and four hour increments.  Then, in time, I will sort calories.  Though, I have noticed, calories sort themselves, especially with higher fats and shorter eating times.  It... gets boring, and anything else other than keto tastes less tasty, so... it... relaxes.

Ah, and I did get on the scale.  I am right at 276.  A bit... less than supposed.  I expected to be between 285 and 300.  Not... optimal, but I have had worse.  Remember or not, I used to way 385.  So... yeah...  I have... already lost most of the weight I need to lose.  Just trimming the beefer a slight?  *grins*  No bull?  Or... all bull?  Depends on who you ask?  A slight indeed.  I have 36 to 56 to take off, and cutting off the top ugly fifty or so pounds isn't an option.  Going headless really doesn't work, even for some horsemen.

In an hour, or two, or so I was told.  Then into town.  I'd like to look at my account.  If possible, waterers and more feed, a stop at the grocer, maybe two stores.  Small things, better spice, salad and veggies, and maybe look over the chops... see if there is any favored meats on sale... just one or two, and maybe burger... if it's less than $4 a pound.  Ugh.  And a lunch out.  I've been a good boy.  And, yea, I... can do that.

Well, the first day showered, and out, in a long time.  I just heard there is a neighbor who doesn't get out much.  Thought about visiting.  Been off about it.  May have to go say hello sometime.  Not sure I'd be welcome, but you never know.  For me, just to have someone to talk to once in a while, a real human, might be okay.  Later.

Well, up and hoping to start.

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I did take the rest of the candy.  Not out of want, which is sometimes the case, but a perceived need.  I was afraid of the blood draw this morning.  I went to bed, finally, at 23:00 just about even.  And woke just at 06:00 this morning.  I want to push that back.  The only reason I was awake that late is because I was tending a blood sugar problem... wanted to see that through to a better, more stable, moment.

And, I did.  I got it to the right place, and it remained good, without being too high.  A bit of food, some misery, and some candy.  A mix, patience, willingness to suffer, and... it seems to have worked.  I am learning what I can tolerate safely, and how to do it.  And how to treat failures more securely, rightly.

Still, wasn't sure.  The blood sugar draw is 133 fasting.  I can live with that.  If too, I know, blood sugar may become elevated over the next twelve to forty eight hours.  Sometimes, not always but sometimes, the blood sugar spike is delayed a bit.  I don't know how that is possible.  Slow absorption?  Some sort of storage mechanism?  Delayed reaction as the body sorts this or that?  But... a blood spike may not be seen for another day or two... which makes being sure what causes what can be difficult.  I might have an idea, I might not.  In this case I would know... probably.  Still, for now, I'll gladly take that.

As I was going to bed, I was looking for my last batch of mail, and medicines that came with it.  I was sure I brought it in, but couldn't find it.  So, I went out to check the suv.  Nope, but noted it is snowing.  Everything that was 'blown' away, is replaced, and then some.  The problem?  No means of removal!

The plow is not back on my machine.  I haven't been able to do that heavy of work, after starting new medicines.  And I am still on a new newer medicine.  Down for the count, mostly.  Dishes are beyond me, at the moment!  Breaking down boxes lands me in chair prison after just a few.  I'm not taking off the mower deck and getting the plow blade on.  Not happening.

I'll give a text shortly.  See about help, one way or the other.  Until then, I think I am snowed in.  A text was sent.  Not... sure when I'll hear back.  It's a work week for some.  I wonder if he is still at it?  Putting up Christmas lights, it seems, and maybe other work.  That lad doesn't stand still.  If it's the only way to be.  Learn as much as possible, work well, make money, build, do, learn, know.  He is a good son, and geared and gearing for whatever the world throws at him.  Good thing too.  And can play the piano.  Not without culture, play for his church, or has.  I add to his gear, when I can.  Rare these days, but it still happens.  A part, or piece, to fill in some larger or smaller gap.

I hold off taking medicines until breakfast.  And I am holding off breakfast until 10:00.  Successfully.  And, while I pushed my intermittent fasting just a bit, due to the blood sugar drop, I am doing well with that fasting.  The reason is, one of my vitamins is a chewable, with the possibility of throwing the fasting... causing an insulin response.  That will undo the fasting process.  The whole thing is about keeping the body from consuming, or perceiving it is  consuming, anything which might cause blood sugars to be released.  And even fat, but definitely protein, can do that.  So... medicine just has to wait.  However, I will, at around 10:00, will take pills right away, even if breakfast isn't quite ready.

Oh, and I still have the food logging app I so liked on my phone.  I just need to, when I shower next, weigh myself so as to recreate a weight loss regimen based on that.  Well, and find the scale, so I can begin measuring things.  At least until I get used to eyeballing accurately enough.  Even cream.  I would like to learn how to get the measure in grams, so by weight... then learn what that looks like.  What it 'feels like', in various containers and measuring items.

Actually, that is the plan, today, to get my weight, get the app started, and begin on a weight loss regimen.  I was amazed at how well it actually worked, even with my imperfect measuring and such.  I was close enough at it, along with it's accurate calorie count, that between it and me, weight was coming off.  I really want to get down to 240, maybe 200.  And, if still more room to lose is available, 200?  Then, if so, begin building strength, somehow.  Weights?  Maybe back to swimming?  Walking?  Hiking.  Those things don't work well when still overweight.  Too exhausting, on top of medicines and else.

Well, and that will be assuming I can get on the right medicines, and used to them enough to do something.  As much as I try, and want, I get very little.  Prayer isn't helping.  But, I continue.  Wishing, pulling, hoping, trying... been working for... since 1987... to get some life back.  It just hasn't happened, ever.  I'm... still trying.  Later.

On the verge of passing out.

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Rough.  Sweaty, probably pale, ill filling, definitely still low.  Trying to beat it with more normal stuff, a bit higher on the scale, but not something I wouldn't eat or drink more normally, just a bit more of it collectively.  A fatted coffee, with extra liquid sucrose and a cup of plain yogurt, with unsweetened fruit.  I am hoping they will help, because I am really getting squeezed.

If these things fail.  If I continue to feel as I do for the next hour.  I will eat carb tabs or candies.  This is brutal.  It doesn't quite feel like death, but it's in the neighborhood.  Next door, or a block down the way.  Depends on the moment.  I just got over a sweat... a minor fever.  Nausea was actually helped by the yogurt, if the coffee made it slightly worse.

I couldn't get the rabbits reset, with tarps.  And they probably won't get water tonight.  But they usually don't drink during the night, much, anyway.  And they all had half or more this morning.  I may end up in bed shortly... if I could break away from this horrid feeling.

I am giving it thirty minutes.  If it isn't better by then, candies and on to bed.  Oh, I'll take a painkiller now, while at it.  Everything sort of hurts, aches, and is rough.  And best get night medicines of both kinds in.  But I want to wait on the slow acting insulin until I feel better, or take candies.  It probably wouldn't have a large affect, but maybe enough to create, or increase, a slide in the wrong direction.  Horrible.  Later.  Or, maybe, goodnight.

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After all my efforts, blood sugar was just at 103.  No, that's... too close.  So, I had candies.  I had thought to have a decade of them, but went with four.  I felt... satisfied?  The food may still have been working.  I have more candy upstairs, keep it in my medkit.  Still, pretty rough.  Just going to take medicines, then go on to bed.  I seem to have brewed a fine headache.  Not a migraine, but with all else that aches, plus nausea, and general ill sentiment, it's the equivalent.  And might be heading there.  Light sensitivity is the newest symptom.  Down a few painpills, eat the rest of the various meds, then try to get to bed, and asleep, before something else happens.  Goodnight.

May have overdone insulin.

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Live and learn.  I just thought what I was eating was a bit high in carbs.  And, maybe it was.  Given my dietary goals and aims.  But, in the real world, it really wasn't.  It was still quite low.  Remember, they try to tell people to eat 60 grams of carbs per meal!  Most of us, by now, should know better.  Well, those who pay attention, or have any input as to their own diet... either by controlling their intake rather than just eating as they will.

I ate probably half that, as part of my main meal.  Less than half.  And, that was my majority carbs for the day.  So taking a larger, actually medium, dose of insulin with that was... incorrect.  I think I made it out.  I just took blood sugar, it is 77.  Still a bit low.  And, really, I need to consume something to boost that.  Mind you, this reading was taken an half hour after my meal.  It... is exceedingly low given that.  That is the meal spike, probably the height of it.  I need it higher, but not too high.

I am thinking a fatted coffee, with extra liquid  sucralose.  Not too much extra, though, perhaps four drops.  That... might do it.  It should be better than sugar.  The problem with sugar, is it doesn't lift and last.  This seems to, to the amount it might lift.  Feeling rather woozy for it.  Had been having tunnel vision.  Feeling better, as the meal kicks in a bit.  Bad call, very bad call.

Can only do my best.  Will make mistakes.  Live and learn, or die?  Ugh.

The wind is so weird.  It took the snow right off the ground.  We had an inch or so.  And, without seeming too, the wind has simply melted it away.  It's still chilly, but like a cooler spring day... not a winter day.  Very odd out there.  Later.

Chores.

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Blustery, heavily overcast, cold too?  Could hear the flag flapping, in occasionally higher wind.  Figured it would be cold as heck out there.  I checked before getting to it.  44 F?  Wow, that is quite warm.  Even with the wind, it wasn't too bad out there.  The outbuilding first.  They still had water, but I put a second one out there for them... warm.  Their choice.  Food, of course, was needed.

The ones closer also needed food, but none of them needed water, oddly.  Their water was flowing too.  So I just left it as is.  I will check them, and probably change them, tonight.  After warming a bit, however, I will go change their tarps.  With the wind going, and the cages open, it might be a bit cool for them.  They look healthy, good.  I just want to help them.  Enclosing the cages, and using bungy cords to connect them to the legs of the hutches?  Something.  The trick is to do so in such a way that changing waterers, and adding feed, isn't a problem,  Or opening them back up when wind dies down.

I haven't fed the girls yet.  Probably should have.  But they are being punished, lightly, for being so pushy about food, and yeowling at night.  They have dry food.  That is for night (or, when I am asleep).  Their behavior will have to, again, be checked.  They will learn to wait until I say so.  Then be fed every three to four hours, and probably back to twice a day, with treats once or twice a day.  I'm a bit grumpy about that.

A tea, first thing... green, with mint, was satisfying.  Since then, water.  I would like to eat more around ten.  Since my schedule is mine, without impingement by others, eating closer to the middle of my day, with no true breakfast, and no late food, seems the most reasonable.  But, then, if I can keep things in order, keeping it between 10:00 and 16:00, or even between 10:00 and 14:00.  That, latter, would be perfect.

I am getting there.  As well, when I get to the latter food plan, I will begin eating just twice a day, though some grazing may occur initially.  And, who knows.  I may get to, back to?, a meal a day, but a larger one, lasting up to two hours... with grazing and various dishes... a salad, some nuts, a meat entrée, several veggie dishes...  It's doable.  But getting all your calories and nutrients in one meal means that meal needs to be reasonably solid.  If too, it is much easier to cut excesses.

It's about time to feed the girls.  Got their litter cleared, but it needs more litter matter added.  Amazing how long litter lasts when it is kept clean, say twice a day.  If I miss, a few days?  The whole litter matter left has to be tossed.  If I manage it, once or usually twice a day, it lasts a week or two if I had to stretch it.  Money or work, a choice... when it is a choice.  Well, and the girls love me when I keep their world right and good.

Best to get to litter, feeding, and else.  I have another hour before I eat.  All good.  Hmm... I wonder... I may try my breakfast as a savory, or mostly savory, dish.  Rather than sweetener, add butter, and salt.  Perhaps even skipping the cinnamon?  What else?  Some black pepper, garlic and onion powders?  Yes, but... in a new container.  I'm not sure I want onion and garlic slightly passing to tomorrows meal.  Bleh.  Just trying to figure out how to change things up just a wee.  Oh, and I will add 6 cc's of fast acting insulin.  Later. 

That just shouldn't be.

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Blood sugar is 153 fasting.  There must be more carbs than accounted, more calories?  Something.  And, yes, even if carbs are well accounted, excess calories can cause an insulin spike.  No, I definitely took slow acting last night.  Though might have missed the night before, and yes... there is cumulative.  So it might just be that, or that and the food.

Some of this may be from my schedule just coming around to days.  I think blood sugar often goes up while I sleep, and then comes down in the morning?  By morning?  Maybe, I've seen something like that.  And, my day cycle is sort of a novel thing in immediacy.  When I check first thing after waking, and check right before actually eating, blood sugar can drop 25ish points.  I'm just 'waking early', according to my body.  It takes my bod a while to adjust.

Even so, for a cheat night?  Not bad, not bad at all.  I'm not in the three to four hundreds, shuffling off into quietude until the thing settles, if guiltily happy.  And, honestly?  I am just as happy, with half or less the blood sugar reading.  I think I might be able to do this.  As many on keto, or trying, say... it will never be pasta.  But if I want to live, I can't do pasta anymore.  It really is that simple.  This?  While still a bit hot, I can do.  And it isn't bad.  My guess is?  Healthy people shouldn't be eating pasta.  It is as bad, or worse, than binge drinking five or more drinks once in a while.

Odd how people can be told.  Oh, hell, I'm not pointing fingers at you.  Actually, that's not true.  I am pointing fingers at you.  And me.  We can be told.  We might even actually know.  And, yet, in the sugar goes, in the pasta, rice, beer, or booze, and else goes.  And, often, we do it until systems begin to fail, or we lose organs.

Now, to be honest?  Food and drink and medicine have been weaponized against us.  They want us to eat ourselves to near death, with the MIC (medical)IC aimed at keeping us ill, and making a fortune off it.  I guess even that wasn't enough, so they developed either covid, or called a new flu that, then give out shots to cull the herd.  What happens when only the non-compliant remain?  I don't think they thought this through, or did... with the expectation that either there would be too few to worry about OR their intent was to get rid of those who simply follow orders.  

Odd who ends up being which.  Many?  I get.  The old, ill (most of them), but elite athletes? children (who have pretty much no risk)? rich?  Though, often, especially these days, the wealthy are only wealthy because the government grants them that... it's the government and big biz choosing who wins and loses, based on their criteria... not merit.  So, actually, the rich and famous... that makes sense.  If many of the famous, and political, and some of the wealthy, were merely given saline.

Even some still wearing masks?  Really, after it being proven to not only be a fraud, but a dangerous thing to do.  Cutting oxygen intake, which is retarding children.  And causing illnesses which are totally unnecessary.  The reason I wasn't going to the VA hospital was because the masks are STILL mandated.  They KNOW better.  Well, and now they are pushing the clot shot like crazy.  Until their genocidal actions cease, I won't go in.  Odd that hospitals have become the most unhealthy places one could be, with or without a bad case of covid.  They'll even kill you with treatments, overtly.  Look to India, and ivermectin.  Zinc, vitamin C and D, and ivermectin, and another...  The stuff they give, and the lung pressurization, are lethal.  Crazy.  And, yet, people keep doing it.

As they have said, if you ever wondered if you would have drank Jim Jones' coolaid, or hailed Hitler, now you know.  Seriously.  Now you know.

A spot of tea... green, with mint, so only to 155 F.  If it's the darker or combination tea, I'll go up to 175 or even 195.  As well, the higher temps with coffee.  How can it be real coffee if it doesn't burn?  :p  Though I usually add something to coffee.  Black coffee is tight, but I am working on it.  I may try it with cream, coconut milk, butter, coconut oil, and maybe some herbs or spices... to try to get away from sweet, or always sweet.  But tea I can drink plain, or with just mint.

Again, I am not going to eat until 09:00 or even 10:00, which gives me until 17:00 to 18:00 before having to close the kitchen.  And I don't mind eating a bit more, as I adjust.  Any adjustment... the trick is to start out allowing greater access to calories, especially those of fats, then tapering.  It eases the transition, and it doesn't feel as rough.  Fats were used for lubrication in more ways than one through history, culinary and otherwise.

I am doing well enough that I think, maybe next Monday or Friday, I will cut my eating period from eight to six hours.  Depends on how I feel.  Sometimes going with feelings can be good, sometimes ignoring them is right.  I make my best call as I may, well... and remembering what I plan to do, then doing it, is another trick.  :)  Being forgetful really can be bliss at times, though, too.

Well, on to waking up.  Have a good morning, afternoon, night, or... whatever it is to you, wherever you are.  Amen.

No need for chores.

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I did go out and check.  They still have plenty of water, some food, and seem to be doing well.  And, it doesn't seem to be freezing.  Cool, not cold.  Night medicine has been taken, but not slow acting insulin, yet.  I'll feed the girls, and at least check their litter.

I have been doing well, with the little things.  Actual work has been lacking.  Struggling to get to it, can't be sure why.  Sleeping well, eating well, controlling things, managing what is possible.  Even adding heat when I feel too cool or cold.  Dressing warmer just isn't enough, nor does turning the furnace up to nose-bleed high help... or much.  I have been trying to add in tea more often.  That warms me for a short bit, but only a bit.  I just can't seem to get warm.  When you are permanently slightly shivering, it's hard, with else, to figure out work.  I really think that is the bulk of it.

Oh, I ought to find that food logger program, and get it back on track.  It works, well.  I am probably doing good, but would like to be more sure.  Well, and begin measuring more carefully, not just guesstimating.  No reason to measure more closely if I can't log it though.  So... one and the other, or neither.  Well, logging alone, guesstimating... with blood sugar draws and a scale... would be better than nothing, albeit.

Now, on to bed.  Goodnight, evening, and day... perhaps morning for you foreigners and split-shifters.  Be well, try to stay warm, and get ready for Christmas.

A fatted coffee, and a bit more.

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Instead of cream, I used the last of the coconut milk.  As well, I had three beef sticks and three pieces of cheese.  Wasn't up to deli meat.  Or pork rinds.  Though I may have the last of the baby carrots and celery, just plain, with water.  Nearly another meal?  No, it's a full other meal.

Nothing, really, done.  But I am awake.  I have been eating well.  I did do litter, twice now, chores, and fed the girls.  I will check their water, if I suspect their water will be just fine, still partly to mostly full, and  flowing.  I'd like to even just shower, but there isn't energy, or focus, or something, required to do it.

Ever been so tired you just can't get to things?  At least it doesn't hurt, the body, mind.  Just tired.  So, to the bone, tired.  Can't think.  Can't use thoughts, or will, to act.  Want to, make the attempt.  It just won't happen.  I even pray for it.  Just... a window, even a little one.  I keep the place warm, stay on medicine, eat, drink, and rightly.  The weekly blood sugar reading is 116.  The reason I am taking some slight risk with insulin, is because I would like to get it a bit lower.  I would like the average to become 100 +/- 10, for the week, two week, and then month.  And, maybe then, start cutting insulin out as possible.  First fast acting?  Then lowering slow acting.  It's a tricky thing.  Not sure that is still open, but... maybe.

I am still at 37 cc's of slow acting.  Can't quite tell if that is enough.  Some days, like last night, fasting was pretty high.  Then again, I ate some new things, and pushed some old things.  I'd like to give this a week, of better eating, to be sure... make up my mind.  But, food time is done for the day.  Water, tea with or without mint but plain otherwise, and that's it.  Unless I have a sugar drop spike.  Even then, I'll try something small, something to eat.

Later.

Not bad calls lately.

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I took 8 cc's of fast acting insulin with lunch, which will be the heavy meal of the day.  It was good, again.  Not a bad leftover.  Heated it just right, forty minutes, in an oven just set to 400, so it was heating as the oven heated, then whatever else time at temp.  I did add just a bit more cheese, to freshen it, and a bit of salt, as I hadn't added all that much salt.  Very good again.  Maybe not quite as good as when fresh, but still a good, filling, warming meal.

As I am getting ready to have a cheese sandwich and else, I checked.  Blood sugar is at 109.  I am doing well with insulin.  I won't have insulin with this next meal.  Not quite hungry yet though.  Let me see, started at 9:00, with breakfast, I think.  Then noon for lunch.  It is 15:00, so... six hours... I have an hour, really, or an hour and an half, to eat.  The latter only if I can eat in an half hour... which I probably can.  I am, as friends have noted, a very slow eater.  That is actually a practiced thing.  I am procrastinating so that I might feel full enough to stop before I finish food.  Well, that's the idea.  If I can't eat, and I may not be able to, then I will just not have a second meal.  Perhaps a fatted coffee, if a meal doesn't look likely.  And, really, it doesn't look likely.

I turned the furnace up.  I was cold enough to not get to things.  Doesn't seem to matter.  I turned it up even more, just in case.  Nope.  It just isn't helping.  That isn't the problem, or all of it.  I am sleeping well at night, and warmly, so... that isn't the problem either.  And, I am sleeping so very well.  I am not kicking, rolling, and else.  My blankets aren't getting ripped up, thrown, misaligned, and else.  Very strange, but very good.  And, yes, I feel more rested.  That, too, doesn't seem to be the problem.

I'll keep working on it, trying to dig my way out, sort what the problem is.  I just want to work!  I want things done, as well to do things.  I like to work.  I like to have things done, even if I have to do them.  It's just a matter of not being able to sort through to the doing.  I try, and pray.  It's... what I can do.  Later.

A good morning.

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A reasonable day, so far.  A bit of browsing, then gaming.  It is cool in here.  But it really has warmed up out there, to 38 F, if the thermometer reads correctly.  There is some melting, but I think that is because the house is warm.  As the driveway hasn't shown any signs, just near the house, off the porch.  Back to the near 40s we had been having, until a few days of a heavier freeze.  So strange.

I definitely want to get a couple of buckets of water in, in case the hydrant somehow freezes again.  Just... keep those full.  Every time one gets low, dump it and try to get more.  Well, that's the idea.

Lunch is warming, in the oven.  Oh, I suppose I best sort out how to toast the keto bread in the airfryer.  I looked online, didn't really find anything on youtube, or elsewhere.  I know I read about it somewhere.  Ah, maybe in the Amazon comment section?  I... have a pretty good idea where that would be, if so.  I'll look there.  Otherwise I will simply try to remember the gist of the advice, and go with that.

Oh, blood sugar is 94.  I did just right with insulin.  And, finally, remembered morning pill medicines.  Almost forgot.  Ugh, so easy to forget.

Something else I purchased was a pump, pseudo-aerosol oil pump.  I purchased two.  One for avocado oil, and one for olive oil, if I can find actual extra virgin.  Most of it is fake.  The trick is to figure out which is fake and which is real.  Not even the pricepoint gives it away, as the fakers hit every pricepoint.

I would also like to make ghee.  I have bought ghee, but much of that is fake to.  At least with that, I can tell.  Separation.  If it is real ghee, it won't separate.  Even a thin layer on top means other things were added.  It doesn't matter where it was made, they all seem to just lie on the label, and it is obvious.  Lord only knows what all they put in that.  I am also buying and storing lard, tallow, and coconut oil.  I want to try various oils, see what I like best, for what, and if any difference can be noted about keto and diabetes.

I'm not worried about grass fed, organic, or such.  But I do want lower heat rendering, and some other things.  Then again, as noted, they cheat on all of it.  Hard to know what you are really getting.  And don't think local is any better.  They will hide behind allowances by an FDA which has been weaponized against us, shoving sugar into everything for example, or variations of it... like dextrin, maltodextrin, and who knows what else.  Living on hope these days.

Well... it's almost that time.  I sure am hungry.  I will take 6 or 8 cc's of fast acting.  This, if not nearly as bad as regular pasta, is still... a bit rich.  Not exactly on carbs, just... somehow.  Odd but true.  Much as my sugar substitutes can trick the body into producing a sugar spike, so perhaps, can this pasta?  Or... a little bit?  Something like that.

Good morning and day.

Waiting.

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The girls had to wait three hours before food.  Begging, way too much begging.  Three hours, from now on, again.  Oh, in time, I may forget.  But, not often.  As to myself?  Five hours.  Breakfast is just starting.  Okay, works out well for me.  Now I am awake enough to manage food as needed.

Oh, another plan change, or addiction?  Eating my heavier meal at "lunch" time, whenever that time may actually be.  My middle meal will be my big meal.  Today it will be the leftovers of spaghetti, and another piece of garlic bread.  This time I will see how they do it in the airfryer, and go from there.  For supper, I will have a cheese sandwich and else.  Small sides just to go along with all else.

I got the rabbits at just before eight.  They all had plenty of water left, and most had food left, save for the three big eater pens.  I really like it when I can get on a bit of a schedule, for as long or short as it lasts... I really like having some regularity.  Just like with pooping, eating, and else, regularity... while boring... is... good.  I'm not exactly regular, but I have been closer to it than I have in a while, given that daylight awake cycles are a part of it, as I see things.

Just out of curiosity, I took another fasting blood draw.  At 129 it dropped 27 points for no good reason.  I drank a bottle of water, that was it.  Even so, I am planning on taking, say, 4 cc's of fast acting with breakfast.  Maybe 6 or 8 with lunch.  Actually, it will be a lunch, by time.  If I can finish breakfast by nine, I'll check sugar again around noon, while heating up the meal.  That is the quintessential lunch time.

A shower would be nice.  As would a start on dishes and tearing down boxes.  I have been stagnant in action, lately.  Not by effort, simply without choice.  It seems warmer today.  So, maybe.  Oh, and the hydrant is flowing again.  The girls really didn't like tap water... which flows through the softener.  Sam was ecstatic when she saw me bringing in a bucket of outside water.  

The little things.  I also have a little bowl of water, just for her, up in her drawer hideaway.  Little things she really loves, and I do it for such a reason.  And she knows it.  Oh, washed their sleeping bowls... little beds... today.  Dried, and out for them.  They don't touch them in the summer, but in the winter, they love them, if I keep them clean.  Getting pretty ratty, need a few new ones.  I think Sam is somewhat incontinent.  Which is why they can only use them for so long, without being washed.  She is between 80 and a 100, in human terms.  I don't blame her.  Shit just stops working the way it used to.  We still love the grumpy old sissy-whozits.

Yea, cloudy, and dark, but warmer.  I think it reads 30 F, but it sure feels warmer.  Almost warm enough for it to begin feeling like a thaw is on, putting moisture in the air.  It almost can't be, but... things are often not how they read.  It's... a warm 30, I'll put it that way.

Wish me luck?  Pray for me to be able to bust my butt a bit?  All good.  I'd ask for a boost to the caboose, but that really doesn't work.  I know, I've tried every way possible, and some ways impossible.  It happens, or it doesn't, amen.  Well, on to the rest of the day.  Good fortune in your run.  Be well, stay warm, and be cheery.  Being a glumpuss won't doing a thing for you.