Up at 9:30.

.

.

A bit later.  Yesterday was some effort and stress.  So... okay.

I left the house mostly open.  It was 64 near me, when I woke up, 59 in the main of the upstairs, 58 in this front room, 61 in the center of the house, and 66 in the back (north end) of the house)?  Yes, but... strange.  Everything is staying open.  Outdoors it is 40 and overcast.  I sort of expected it to be in the freezing range, with as cool as it is in the house.

Then again, while the furnace was clean off the first time, I think it only went down to 62 last night?  The furnace setting that is.  Not sure if it clicked on or not.  With everything shut, it may have held heat more than it did last night, with the furnace definitely off and windows open.

I am dressed more warmly today.  Not planning on doing too much.  Maybe a shower, and more dishes at least set up.  Perhaps some food items to the basement.  Maybe sweeping in the bathroom and hall.  Today is, mostly, a rest day.  I need it.  I have been to church, or shopping, or working, or to town, for this or that, every other day or so, for the last two weeks.  I... need a breather, a little time with only small tasks.

I don't want to just stop.  And I don't hurt as bad as I had been, no painpills today.  I don't even think I will use water pills today.  But I don't want to push too hard and get back to that place.  That has been difficult.  Though, too, I don't want to lose my place in line.  I want to continue getting ahead in life, on the house.

The thing is, getting to it, sometimes.  I can't work for long stints.  Heck, in my current state, even gaming for very long isn't likely.  I end up drifting around, looking for something, anything, new online.  And, while it seems easy enough to just move on, do something, even just sort things in a corner, that all... from realizing and deciding, to doing, takes a lot of energy.  More than you might suspect.

Still, that is sort of the goal.  Doubt if I can to it all the time, every time.  But to do it more often... every other, or third, time, might work well enough?  It's a goal, a hope, a plan.  It will fail horribly, and be terribly successful at other times.  But, it is a forethought idea I'm trying to keep in my head.

To start, though, and usually in the mornings, I need to drift, surf, float around... while waking.  It's just... sort of like my psychic coffee.  Give it an hour or two.  Then see what else I can be about.  While consuming kefir and my actual coffee.  Yea.  I'll get to some small things today.

----------

Oh, a dream, and more.  The dream was about a real conversation.  It became known, to another, that I was single.  And, the comment I receieved was... it can be very good to be single, because women are... complicated? messy? trouble?  Something along those lines.  And, by... someone who in saying that surprised me, in a number of ways, from several different angles.

No, I... don't disagree with him.  I didn't disagree with him, to his face, or in my mind, or since.  Women are trouble, and mean to be.  Or... can't help not being trouble.  They cause trouble, they look for trouble, they create trouble when it doesn't exist in nature.  They have to be perpetually unhappy, and try to drag most other people into trouble with them.  And, then, seem surprised they are... in some sort of mess, or three, or ten.  They collect, and juggle, troubles.

And Lord be with you if you begin solving those troubles!  They want their toils, difficulties, exasperations.  They love those more than anything else.  Yes.  Women are, and choose to be in, trouble.  My last woman wanted me to to never say that.  Which... I ignored.  If she wants troubles, I will not deny her, even should she ask it.

Still, even with that?  I enjoy women.  I just... don't care, about their troubles.  I don't take it personally, nor try to correct, I just won't let her bring them into my part of our life.  That is what sex is for.  To some small degree.  I mean, other than a very intimate showing of affection, bonding, having children, and... just mutual or singular pleasure.

So, while I agree, I just don't care.  I think a lot of guys take it personally.  Or get too involved.  While men and women couples need to be a part of each others lives, their partner isn't their whole life.  That's where a lot of guys go wrong.  Trying to fix what ain't, technically, broken.  She wants her misery, leaver her to some of it.  Only if it interferes with your wants and needs.  If so, then clean, clear, lock, load, and deal with it so that either she never brings you a problem, or you fix it good and well enough that it doesn't present again.  Usually she will get the hint, and keep any favored problem out of your areas of operation.  Or passify the presentation with sex, so that you tire before solving it... if she really needs to share it.

Yea, part dream, part thinking about it after, part realizing the actual conversation.  Look, women really are trouble.  From toes to ass to tits to brain, and everywhere inbetween.  But, they are also a gift from God.  Much as any pain, or joy.  Or... mixed bag especially.  Pain teaches, like nothing else.  Pleasure, and potential, and procreation, are terribly wonderful graces.  Yea, I... enjoy women.

As I told him, and others, I just need to find one who isn't married already.  Or doesn't have a hoard of kids for one or several past guys.  Or... such.  And, who can and will have children.

Will it work?  As I am going to suggest to someone who is thinking about all this?  The world is a hard, dark, mean, place.  If you are thinking of going there, finding a lover with whom to have children, and then trying that?  Best go that way with God.  Even then, your faith will be tested.  But going there without God is a harder path still.  No matter how much easier it seems.  What was it Luther told his mother, when she thought of following him?  Ah... living without the church isn't so bad, dying outside of the church is.  Or... some such.  Yea, don't even bother if you go Godless.  You'll regret it, for there are things worse than death, by far.  I've been there.  Live there now, to a degree, but with God, all things are possible.

Bedtime.

.

.

It's 19:08.  The windows have been open since I returned.  Yet, oddly, it is 70 degrees up in the front room.  I did shut the front door, more because the light was so intense.  Not quite used to the sun being out in full, or part really, as of late.  While the sun is unobstructed by clouds, there is... something... in the air.  Like fall or early spring days.  I suppose it could be considered early spring, but that doesn't feel like what it is.  It could be a mild inversion.  That is when smog, dust, and other air pollution gathers along the mountain front, but can't quite escape... so makes the air a bit bad, and obstructs some of the sun... more or less depending on the season.

Anyway.  Even with that, it was a bit bright, for my eyes.  We haven't had much sun, until the last few days.  Now it's like around 7:00 to 19:00?  Well, it might have an half hour or hour longer before technical sundown.  But, in the valley, it depends on where you are.  Being in the middle, I think we get a bit more morning and evening than either edge.

I think I will have to send a card, to the young woman who has been working on my feet.  I just couldn't say a right goodbye.  I... just don't, anymore.  But I don't want to leave it just there.  Not that she really cares, most likely.  But... I do.  Do things, you suspect are right, for your own reasons.  Sometimes it does mean something.  And, to a degree, I think it will for her.  Not... exactly as I sense them, but.  No... not meaning I have a thing for her, other than, say... as a cousin, in all seriousness.  I enjoyed her company, and will miss her.  That's... all.  So, yeah, I'll... look, next time I am in town.  And put a little money in there, for her to start out with a few extra coins in her purse on the next stages of her life.

I think I will only partly close the house up.  It is 45 outdoors, 68 in the main of the house, and 70 up here in the front room?  Crazy.  Yes, the furnace has been off since... 15:00?  At the latest.  And three five windows were open, plus the front door for a while.  And the door to the upstairs, where two of the windows were open, so there was a complete flow through the house.  Hmm...  All good.  I'm curious how cold it will get tonight, leaving everything open, if only part way, save the front door?  I'll find out.  If it gets too cold, I'll sort it out.

I had worried I would freeze to death in bad situations, but that just doesn't happen.  Not that it couldn't, only I would be awakened by the dreadful cold before it would kill me. Enough to give me a chance at survival, in a bad situation.  But, the house just doesn't get that cold.  Or, not when it is even in the 20s outside, and things are open, with the furnace off.  I doubt if it will get into the 20s tonight.  This house is true old tech.  I am sure it has limits, but... it is impressive.  I may begin experimenting with how cold I can let it go, without freezing pipes.  And, possibly, what I could use to warm it to a liveable standard, with the minimum of various fuels and heat sources.  Next winter.  If I am still here.

I... got a card, from a house buying consortium.  Always make it sound like a family operation, but... it's not.  Still, I called.  Most likely not going to get what I want, but I placed the call, put out my minimum, on a sliding basis.  We'll see.  I am almost positive they won't come near to my asking.  So...  But, that's not a problem either.  I can stay here for... a very long time.  It's tight.  Utilities, mortgage, saving for a bit more, this, that, the other thing.  Death by a thousand stings, really.

It depends on where in South America or Asia I go.  Having an income would be okay, but not enough.  Would want some serious cash for... any contingency.  Plus, would finish up some local business, pay off any and all outstanding debt, etc.  Being a guy, I can live cheaper than with a family or even with a woman.  Could seek a woman, there.  Probably not from the expat community.  That just doesn't work out.  American and European women are... what they are.  Beside too expensive, just... something wrong with them.

What was it?  Is it that they don't care if they lose, or if they don't want to win?  When having a family equals the true win, definitely American women aren't there.  They want to... have fun, go dancing... maybe drinking, date new guys, have sex with new and exciting and exotic guys.  Anything but be a wife, housewife, lover, mother, cook, dishwasher, or even be in charge of that.  I get it.  But... that's just... not what I'm into anymore.  Probably too late for me, but... you never know.

Not looking for hookers, easy women, booze, and else though.  Legitimately looking for a good woman.  A single, solitary, other side, partner, thing.  Impossible, probably.  But, I keep checking.  If they ever come up, I could go away.  I think it would be a win-win, for all of us, too.

Anyway... it's about bedtime.  I haven't gone through the fridge.  May do so on my way.  Just... check, and chuck.  Prep, idea wise, for tomorrow... for food.  With the bathtub clean, perhaps dishes set up in the morning.  I don't have much else to do this week, out.  I would like to swim, and get to mass, but I... can't... not this week.  So, I will try to do dishes, hit the kitchen floor and table, maybe clear the hallways.  Then make it to mass on Saturday.  Ugh.

At least my brother and mother called today.  I'm not sure what was wrong, if anything, on any end.  It is just that neither had called, and I had tried.  I... just... wore out trying.  So Just stopped.  Had to.  Get so weary, being set aside too often.  Life is hard, sometimes.  Too hard.  So... I rest, back off, hide away.

Some things.

.

.

I got the bath tub cleaned.  A first go at it anyway.  Some just plain elbow grease, some runtime with the drill and brushes for it, and a mix of chemicals and other tools.  It took two or three big runs and a few small ones, plus using the plunger several times.  It still isn't draining all that well, but it is draining.  Drained, now.  Slow to drain, but... for now it is what it is.

My brother called today.  I was... surprised to hear from him.  He is, was about to, received the nubs for new teeth.  But, those won't go in right away.  It will take at least three to six months?  Or so I thought I heard.  They have to make sure the bone grafts to the parts being installed.  Ugh.

We had a good talk.

I think I know why he hadn't called.  Nothing I did, mostly.  But, the items I sent him?  He hadn't used.  Too busy, too ill, to etc.  Fine.  And, yes, I have hidden from such things before.  I get it.  Hopefully he will look these up on y.t.  The installation is easy.  And it really keeps the drains from clogging up, down further in.  It catches hair and other things, making it easy to clear.  But... that's... up to him.

Shortly after he hung up, my mom called.  Didn't talk long, and I had to go.  They are hitting 80 out there.  She didn't want to brag, but I told her how much snow we have still out there, and that an 80 day would spell serious trouble.  So, no need to worry about bragging, just enjoy it, was my idea.  She even got a very light first sun burn while sitting out sunning this morning.

She is going to visit my brother.  I am a bit nervous about here trip, as is my brother.  She turns 81 this year.  Still, okay.  I wouldn't ever want to have to turn her down.  It will be difficult, but I... will just say a little prayer for her, them.  Would rather die living, myself.  So if that is the way it would go, I won't naysay.  Though more hoping it just goes without a hitch.

Then a shower, and on in for the pedicure.  The young woman will be moving on.  Found a guy, a new place to live, considering her future a little more solidly.  I hope she does well.  The pedicure was quite fine.  I didn't say goodbye, rightly.  I was a bit shaken.  I will leave a care, later, before she goes.  I'm not good at goodbyes.  Hopefully I can make her cry, from a distance.  :)

It got to 50 today.  But we still have some fields full of snow.  Not terribly deep, but right down here in the valley.  Lots, in town, and fields, in the country.  It is amazing.  I have the upstairs airing, and opened up the downstairs a bit when I returned.  I even opened the door to the upstairs so the whole place can have air movement throughout.

I had a burger on the way home.  Wasn't really up to cooking.  Won't do much else today.  Maybe not tomorrow either.  But, there is hope to get to some things Thursday and Friday.  Clearing the kitchen table.  Sweeping and mopping where I can.  Clearing the hallways and kitchen floors in prep for sweeping and mopping those.  It's a lot of work.  I will have to push, a few days, to get those things done.  But it is possible, maybe even by Sunday.

I need to check my refrigerator.  To see what is in there, what is still good.  What needs to be cooked, and whether that has gone bad.  And, just... clearing.  Gotta do it.  Maybe I will get to that today.  Maybe.  Hmm, need to get my shoes off, let the feet cool after the treatment then socks and shoes.  At least until they get too cool?  I'll see.

Nope.

.

.

Not feeling well.  The heart is in a bit of trouble.  Just is.  I called the V.A., to see if they still require the mask.  They do.  So... that is that.  I had hoped, but not been reassured, that the end of the "Pandemic Emergency", or whatever they were calling it, would end the mask mandate at the V.A.  Nope.  So, I just... get to live until I die, as is.  On the good side, it... may not be long.

It is rough.  Right now, the littlest things exhaust me.  Even so, I can't sleep.  So I get to be awake, in misery.  It really feels like my heart is being squeezed, nearly to my death.  Just the way it is, and will be from now on.

I did a bit of work in on the bathroom.  The tub.  It needed, still needs, cleaning.  I got a good bit of work on it.  But it needs more.  The problem is it isn't draining well.  With snow still to two foot, at the first of the month, I didn't bother with trying to find the septic tank.  Perhaps, if things continue to melt/thaw, I'll find it this month and be ready to get it emptied this coming month.  I can hope.

Until then, I just... have to deal with a slow draining system.  Though, not all drains are slow.  So, maybe, there is just something in this one line?  Dunno.  I will work on that, too.  To see if I can open it up.  I have some drain stuff, which might work... worked last time.  Ugh.

I'm going to hit it one more time.  Then showering should be easier.  Better.

Awake, at 6:30.

.

.

Went to bed around 22:00?  22:47 I think, exactly.  Lights out then.  Right.  It was still 63 up there?  Strange, but okay.  That is warmer than usual, by far.  It has been 57 up there, unless the furnace isn't on, then it dropped to 52 that one night.  So... why so warm?  The ground must be thawing.

Still, because of that level of warmth, I opened the window.  If it got too chill, I decided, I would notice.  And I could shut the window, and maybe turn the electric blanket on.  But that didn't happen.  The coolest I saw it get was 62, just as I was waking.  The fresh air, however, was splendid.

I got up, got dressed, got down.  I won't feed Sassy for a bit.  Say, at eight.  I need to shower before too long as well.  I checked the temp outside, 27 F.  I came back in, decided to turn the temp up.  Can't remember what I put it to before bedtime, 68, 70?

The furnace had tripped off.  While I set the heat up, I forgot to hit "hold"?  Something.  Because it was off.  The house was sitting at 62 F?  Strange.  But, whatever.  I set the furnace up a bit, then set hold.  I may turn it down later.  This house is... interesting.  With a small family, I am not sure a furnace is required?  It would be chill, but not freezing?  I mean, it IS freezing outside, but even without heat for all of a day, and a window open upstairs, it... was 62 at the coldest?  Quite a... thing.  Not a modern house design, that's for certain.  One might even call it magic.

More painkillers.  Something is still a bit off.  Hoping to get through it in a bit.  But, for now, I'm... babying things a bit with painkillers and waterpills.

I'm trying to think why I woke?  Well, I... am leaving the curtains open, just a bit.  Which did let the morning light in.  And, with the window open, I got not only fresh air, but sound.  At about five, I suspect, traffic begins to shoot by.  By six, it is a steady stream.  And the sun is just beginning to peak over the range.  Not full, blazing, but... sneaking toward the starting line.  Going to bed a bit earlier didn't hurt.  I think it was a combination, of fresh air, sun, traffic sounds, and being to bed earlier.  Well, and not having pushed myself so hard yesterday.

I have been pushing.  Last week, the week before.  I really can't do well hitting that many cylinders with so many problems.  Oil leaks, cylinders not firing in the correct order, a slightly warped drive shaft, bearings with problems.  Just not made for highway speeds.  Even with treatments, it's more just getting the thing home at side-road speeds that is ever intended.  Not running at main road, let alone interstate speeds, that is ever hoped.

On the good side, pain is milder.  And fluids have been evicted, mostly.  Doing better.  But, still, I have things to do.  I need to get the dishes caught back up, get a shower, go through the refrigerator, and sort through this and that here and there in the house.  And that all is before I can even get back to getting ahead!  Ugh.

If I can get that going, I can get the bathroom and it's hallway swept and finally mopped.  Then begin tearing into the kitchen, clearing the table and floors so as to begin sweeping, then mopping, in there.  And the main hallways.  That is this and next week's projects.  It would only take two or three heavy days, but I don't have that much in me save over a few weeks' time.  It's just how it goes.

Still, I am up.  I am up early.  And I think I know, now, how to get up early.  At least until it gets too hot, and I begin spinning again.  Heck, I may even begin turning the furnace off at night.  With this sort of weather, and what just happened, I think I can live that?  We'll see.  I may even start opening two windows, during the day, up there.  Get more fresh air in and through, and down here on warmer days.

Just need to wake up more fully now.  Get to cleaning the tub a bit, then a shower.  Perhaps set dishes up afterward.  And, try not to push too hard.  My heart just isn't up to shoving and pushing quite yet, right now.  From what I can tell.

Oh, but... I am losing weight.  Quickly.  Strangely.  Not... sure why, or how.  Is it kefir?  My more carnivore based diet?  Something else?  I... don't know.  Very strange.  It's almost like my metabolism reignited.  Of course, that is wearing my heart the fuck out.  But... I'd rather die alive than whimpering in a corner, barely able to stand?  Something.

It stayed relatively warm.

.

.

I had the windows and door open for much of the afternoon.  Finally closing things down around 18:00?  So, probably, open for four to six hours?  Something like that.  It had cooled to 42 outdoors when I decided to shut things down.  Indoors it got to 66.  It was that, at the start, in this front room.  It was 70 in the rest of the house.

By the time I closed things up it had only dropped to 66 everywhere.  And didn't seem to be cooling much beyond that.  So, really, a nice day.  Getting fresh air in is always good.  It's, just, that usually it feels too cold unless it is in the 50s.  It must just be something to do with spring coming so late, and extra sun (when it shines, as it was today).  Dunno, but I was able to enjoy the fresh air.

If this continues to be a doable thing, I will not just open up down here but will open a window or two, to create a crosswind, upstairs.  That should be nice.  But I will close things up before it gets too cold.  The furnace does a good job off getting the place warmed back up, quickly.  It was only down to 66, but still.  It was back up to 72 in less than half an hour?  After closing the house back up.  Nice.

I let a friend know, of a device I would like to see if he could make.  Not a... fantastically creative, or difficult, tool.  Used to put threeded rods into walls, to create floating shelves.  Now, the video had a simple system.  I had some ideas on that.  I want either the six inch handles suggested, but as a base.  Either adding handle extenstions, or creating tools with the six inch, but also with twelve and maybe eighteen inch handles, for when there is room, to make installation easier.  As well, the one suggested in the vid only had one size bolt, for getting a threaded rod, of just one size, into the wall.  Well?  There are times I would want the thicker bar, but there may be times when I would rather have thinner bar.

I am not sure how many sizes of threaded bar there are.  But if there are three common sizes, I would like to have all three bolts on the handles, so that I can make shelves of various sizes and strengths.  Yes, yes, I know.  I take a plan, tear it down, and redo it.  To my liking, given my want of greater capacaities, ease of use, and increased flexibility.  Especially if it doesn't cost much more.  Just... do it well, and right, and... get it done.

To that end, I experimented with sending a y.t. video via text messaging.  A first for me.  I didn't do it from the phone, though I suppose I could have.  I just typed it in manually.  It worked.  Trying to explain the thing would have been... nearly impossible.  Much shorter, and quicker, to just send a vid.

He got it.  Thinks it might be doable.  Will find out probably Thursday, at the earliest.  Hoping to get a rough quote then or Friday.  Plus, find out how much those threaded bars, of various diameters, go for per foot, yard, or whatnot.  Sometimes it is cheaper enough by the ten or twenty to buy that way.  Sometimes a foot or twenty is all the same.

I checked.  I do have an appointment coming up.  Feet.  The last time the gal I have been working with will be here.  Then, on to someone else.  She has a few people she would recommend.  Will see if they work out.  But will probably take a few months off.  Then just go in every other month from now on.  My feet have truly begun to be better.

I feel like I really am dying, or doing bad.  But some things have improved.  I don't understand.  A bit more kefir, more painpills, and waterpills today as well.  I haven't been able to do as much as hoped.  Hardly anything.  But I have had something of a day.  Gotten a few things done, planned.  And I might be crashing anyway.

The sun is starting to fade.  It is cooling?  No, the temp is 67 in here, in the front room.  And 72 everywhere else, save the other front room and the upstairs, where heat doesn't get fed.  I suppose I am just wearing down, so the body is cooling, or feeling like it is cooling.  Yea.  On to bed.

Who this time?

.

.

Man, you just... gotta know your place.

So hot?

.

.

Yes, but it makes no sense.  I have had some carbs, but not really all that much.  A few baked baquette slices.  Sure.  Maybe five, or eight, equalling two slices of toast, at most.  And, some veggies, in the guacamole and beef tartare.  But, not that much.  A quarter to half an onion per, plus half a jalapeno each.  I don't think artichoke hearts or capers have any carbs.  And, more, I haven't been sweetening my kefir or coffee.  One of them, actually, out of the last eight.  I had been sweetening all of them.  Keto sweetenere sometimes will, sometimes won't, kick me out of ketoses, or spike my blood sugar.  So, mostly going without should keep that in balance.

I did go out and cook the bacon.  As well, a few sausages and eggs.  Cleaned the grill, after, and shut it down and put it up, to the point I do that.  Which, on a warm day, might heat me up.  But it is 45 out there.  It's still... relatively cool.  I still have snow on the shady part of my roof!  And, in the back acre and the acre to the side of me.  So...

I really feel warm.  I have been standing more than usual.  That might be it?  Just being on my feet might be heating me up?

I had been waiting until we got into the 50s before opening up.  But, being so warm... feeling so warm... today, I decided to turn off the furnace and open the front door, a side window, a back window, and the bathroom window just a bit.  Let some air in.  I love the fresh air, but the cool is more important today.

I am getting better with the grill.  Low temps, moving things well, learning to test when to flip things, and how to do so.  It'll take some practice but I am slowly improving.  I am thinking about a blt today.  I think I have lettuce in there.  I know I have the rest.

The problem in, three easy over eggs, two sausage patties, and a bit of kefir and I am absolutely stuffed!  I am not sure I will be able to eat more today.  We'll see.  It'll have to be warmed up, if so.  No major problem, just a side note.  I'm having a coffee.  I only have one of those once a day to every other day.  Kefir is only once or twice a day.

I think I have found the right amount to make, try to drink, and the amount of milk to order for it.  Two quarts for fermenting, three half gallon jugs for maturing it, and three gallons of milk a week for making kefir.  Yea.  I wonder if I will drink more in the summer?  To be honest, this stuff is so filling, I am not sure I can eat more.  I have, for bits of time.  But it gets to be too much.  I try to drink about a quart and a half a day.  Sometimes two, sometimes half, but the average is closer to one and a half.

So hot.  I just don't get it.  Not sure I will be able to work today.  If I can, I would like to hit dishes, clear and clean the counters, and take a shower.  I really am in a bit of trouble.  Something just seems off.  Maybe some fresh air will help?  Dunno.  Will see.  It is up to 66 in this front room, though may cool, in time, with the windows and front door open a bit.  

Been awake for a bit.

.

.

I woke up around 11:00.  Fed Sassy pretty much right after tending biologics.  Brought the trash and recycling barrels in.  They had already emptied them.  Then just sort of started looking at the world through the lens of a few blogs and other browsing sources.  The world is what it is, and isn't doing well.  Or, for the worldly.  For those who have backed off, we realized that wasn't going to work.  It amazes me how much corruption floats to the surface when allowed to do as they will.

A package arrived as well.  One of the last for the month.  Sometimes they take a very long time to get here.  Compression hose.  Another style and size to try.  Why?  Because some days some socks, stockings, or hose are too tight, or loose, to do any good.  It seems subjective, but really isn't.  Too tight, and they can hurt my legs.  Too lose and they don't do anything positive.  I have three sizes of those, two of thigh highs, and one size of knee and calf length socks.  The shorter they are, the fewer sizes I need.  It just, mostly, doesn't matter.

But, my work, with those, and the water pills, has gotten my legs back into shape.  Nearly.  Hoping, through the week, to get it all completed.  I have noticed, when I get the fluids out, and keep it out for a while, the feet don't burn, pins and needles sensation abates... or mostly.  Life is easier.  I think the heart even hurts less.

Still, will take another dose of painkillers today, and three waterpills, down from four, and five before that.  Trying to reduce the pills as I reduce intake, while dumping the last of the excess.  It's a bit of a trick, but I'll keep at it.

Hoping to hit dishes before long.  Then take a shower.  I'm not sure if there is laundry to check, but will see.

I am hoping to hit the grill today, but later.  I had thought to make a breakfast.  But, I think, first thing, I will cook off three pounds of bacon, and set some of it aside.  Use some of it for breakfast.  Make some fries while at that.  And finish with an omelet?  Easy over?  Perhaps a few of the later and a three egg of the former?  Egg omelets?  Cheese too?  Maybe with finely diced jalapeno and onion?  I have a chunk of ham, but it's in the freezer.  And, I have other cheeses, "swiss", maybe some other sorts.  Dunno.  I'll think about it.

The thing about griddling outdoors is?  You best be on your ball.  Running in and out, looking for this and that, can get you in trouble.  While there is a lot more time than one might think, looking for something can end up taking way too much time, sometimes.  And what is being cooked can get away from you.

It is far better to have salt, pepper, any spices being considered, ingredients, impletments/utensils, and whatever else right there with you.  Oh, and I think I have a shop stool in the garage?  If so, I may pull that for use.  I found a little side table, for holding things I don't trust not to burn or melt on the sidetables.  Bit by piece by thing by idea... griddling is beginning.  

I want to do the bacon in order to render the grease from it, as much as just to have bacon at the ready.  Probably too much bacon.  May see if freezing it really is an option.  Thought I froze some before.  Can't remember.  I... try things, then forget, then lose track, then toss because I can't quite be sure.  This time I will date the package, after looking up the idea... see if others do that.  Though I will say, doing them hard crisp, like I like them, other than if I am eating them right away, is not the best plan.  Reheating them will turn them more to cinders than crisp bacon.  No fat left to help crisp the meat.

Ackh!

.

.

Just couldn't get to bed.  Or, yet.

I did get the trash and recycling to the curb.  Nothing extra to take out, so all good.

I checked the kefir, but it's not ready to rotate through.  I think there is enough space to put it in, when it is ready... in the larger holder jars.  Though, maybe another draught from one of them would ensure readiness.  I'll get a sip in the morning, then reset.

Not much.

.

.

I just couldn't get to much.  Just... too tired.

I did make a portion of beef tartare.  The roast was quite frozen.  I had to take it out whole... or what was left.  Then I had to let it thaw a bit.  It never really did thaw well.  But, it did cut better.  While working the big, whole, roast, I cut it into portions.  And, really, should have cut those portions in half.

I have eaten larger portions, yesterday and today.  But think, after I have worn the novelty off, that five to eight ounces of meat should be plenty.  Then with the accoutrements, that should be plenty.  Further, I would keep the added bits to smaller portions as well.  I have quite enjoyed this though.

No work.  I'm just... barely staying awake.  Couldn't focus, to game.  Couldn't read much, online.  Just... drifted through the day.

I am hoping I can do better tomorrow.  This week.  I'll... see.

Haven't heard from my brother or mother.  I think they have definitely just stopped communicating.  Not sure if it was something I said or did.  But, so be it.  I am too close to death to push or pull.  I'll probably keep it to messages.  If they contact me, I will just text them back.  Keep it... distant.

Not feeling too bad, nor great.  Just... alive.  It is about bedtime though.  If I thought I could get to some work, I would stay awake.  But I think I would just ruin my sleep.  A few painkillers as I go to bed.  I took waterpills this morning, and will go so again yesterday.  But that should be about that.  Probably.

Not getting very far.

.

.

Can barely stand.  I tried some of the guac, revisited.  Needs lime.  I did warm limes up, kept them in warm water all afternoon.  Refreshing the water several times.  Didn't help a bit.  I'm hoping, by tomorrow, some of those times will be better, or the day after?  Almost no juice in them.  Lemon just doesn't work.

Feeding Sassy.  Should check her litter box.  I have been changing her water every other day or so.  But it's a big, for her, five cup bowl.  She only drinks, perhaps, a cup?  But it gets sort of icky by then.  So I try to keep up on that.  And do.

Not sure I am going to get to dishes, or anything much tonight.  Steak tartare?  Maybe, but just as likely not.  I'd really like to get a smash burger going tomorrow.  They are very easy.  The more difficult part is getting the grill hot enough, without it becoming too hot.  Always a trick.  I do have buns, though they can go bad fast.  I'll look them over.  May put them in the fridge overnight just in case.  And, rather than using butter to fry them, use my homemade mayo.  I have heard that works.  Perhaps fries again.

What's with all the carbs?  Sort of... a signing bonus.  Not good for my health, but it does get me out there, grilling.  And, that is the only way I am going to learn.  I had some hesitancy, due to the learning curve.  Went overboard looking for advice, tips, tricks to using this griddle.  Almost didn't want to do it.  But... am getting to it.

I am hoping to get to some dishes.  But truly, having trouble standing, and worse trouble staying awake.  Not sure what the deal is.  Perhaps I should turn the heat up a bit.  Maybe it is just too chill, no matter?  Dunno.  Will turn the heat up, see what I can get to.

Breakfast!

.

.

Well, a bit ago.  From the griddle.  The potatoes took a very long time, but I did get them done correctly.  I had meant to buy french fries and hashed potatoes, but got fries and tator tots instead.  Either wasn't thinking clearly, simply grabbed the wrong bag, or changed my mind later?  I... don't remember.  Who does?

Still, I got to it.  As well, I fried two of the sausage patties.  Not big, and only two, which is... plenty.  Along with those, I had three eggs.  It wasn't all that much food.  But I am absolutely stuffed.  Everything was done just right, and warm... at the start.  Eating in the front room, it cooled off a bit too quickly.  But I have turned the furnace down to 68.

With it warming outside, 47 last I checked, I don't need as much heat.  On days that are warmer, like today, I will turn the furnace down.  Which will make some rooms even cooler.  At least until the sun begins turning this front room into a heatbox again.  Still, that will do.  I will just have to begin retreating back into other parts of the house, and putting ac up.  Only one, as it is turning out.  Though both in means I can do the cooling on the cooler side of the house.  It... does make a difference in the upstairs open room.

The patties were finished first, and set off.  But I just put them back on while frying the eggs over easy.  I didn't do a perfect job with the eggs, but didn't break the yokes, and they were cleanly done without being overly done.  It's just that they could have been cleaner.  I ripped some of the whites.

After finishing the food, I put it on a paper plate, inside a smaller shipping box left over.  Closing that up as a minor warming box.  Did well.  Then I cleaned the surface and lightly oiled it... using several paper towels to spread the oil and remove excess.  I plan on buying cloth towels, instead of going through rolls of paper towels.  Especially if I am going to eat off the thing more like on a daily basis.

Couldn't wake in time.

.

.

I set an alarm for six and eight.  Going down at midnight thirty, give or take a quarter, I knew it was pushing things.  But I got caught up in finishing the sauasage packing.  You can only go just so fast.  I am sure, with practice, time can be cut.  But... even then, only so much.

I slept very well.  Smelled of sweat, even having showered earlier.  All good.  Would have showered but it was late and I was finished for the day.  Down.  I fell down into sleep, I didn't just drift off.  I woke, to pee, often.  And voided about two liters.  Still getting rid of excess fluids.  Will hit the waterpills again, today, and the painpills, for my heart.

The painpills won't work on headaches, in sequential multiples.  I get one shot at headaches, for it to have any impact.  But, it seems, for the heart, painkillers work very well.  At least the excedrin migraine and current version of anacin, I haven't tried the generic tylenol on it, yet.  Now, that... doesn't take affect as quickly, or well pronounce.  Takes longer, on any pain, because it isn't accelerated with caffeine.  So I sort of really have to pay attention with that painkiller.

But, yes.  Between the painkillers, waterpills, and such, even with all the running, my heart hasn't hurt as much yesterday and last night while I slept.  Or this morning.  Still, one final dose today.  Then, this week, I will moderate the pain with sleep and rest.

I have been pushing this last week, and it really got to me.  I will still push, but maybe not so hard.  The thing is, when I am on a roll, it's difficult to not push.

And, I would like to get to mass and swimming twice this coming week.  I want to grill probably nearly daily this week.  And I want to work on the house... sweep and mop the bathroom, clear the kitchen table and floors, clear the entry hallways and laundry room, sweep and mop those rooms.  And of course finish catching up on dishes, keep up on laundry, and maybe get the hammock hung, and that all set up, so I can sleep out there a few nights this week.  

Sounds like a lot.  And, for me, it is.  But, too, as things have been going, it... really isn't all that much for over a week.  I have energy, again.  The sun is almost coming out.  It is 40 this morning... got to 45 yesterday, as I high (in my town, read 58 in Logan?).  So it's starting to... spring.  I am feeling it, enjoying it.

Can I do all those things?  I don't know.  They are on the list.  All I will do today, being it is a holy day, is to cook on the grill, do some cleaning up from yesterday, maybe get a shower even if I did miss the events, as a token of the meaning of the day, and set up and possibly finish the last of the dishes.

This evening, I may pull the top sirloin out and slice another round of tartare.  And, the guacamole was a bit salty.  Probably from the milling.  So I will slice the other half of the tomato, another avocado, the remaining parts of the onion and jalapeno, and try that.  Well, and the limes were just not juicy.  At all.  I'll let the mix marry for a day, while soaking the limes in warm water, hoping they will ripen just a bit more, so as to get some real juice out of one.  Ugh.

So it is.  I did dress, while waking today.  I... couldn't make it to church, but I can push.  I woke as soon as I could.  I dressed, if not Sunday go to meeting proper, but still.  I will shower, trim, maybe shave.  I will enter the next week feet and face forward, with teeth if need be.

As soon as possible, I'll get the grill going.  Some fries, sausage, and eggs easy or medium over.  And, prayers through the day.  Happy Easter.

Way more time than anticipated.

.

.

First, there was putting up the guacamole.  Not a real time spender.  But time spent none the less.  Then there was getting the spices, salt, and else, dicing the fennel seed a bit, then mixing.  I had two packs out, but only had a bowl big enough for one package.  Hmm, actually I had a bigger bowl, was just too tired to think by that point.

Still, I got it going.  Dug it, one package at a time.  Then, after each package was mixed, I started making balls of the stuff and setting them in one of the wrapping papers.  That... took a bit.  Then I realized I had to... do something with them all.  Couldn't just freeze them, they would all stick together!  Ugh.

Parchment paper, in strips.  Wide enough to smash the balls into patties, then with a layer between each other, and the outside.  Eneveloped so as to not stick to... anything?  One can hope.  I did two patties per strip of parchment.  Then put each self-contained pounch of two into a small plastic baggy, quart?  No, sandwich sized.  How many?  I can't be sure, now.  I put most of them in the freezer, leaving two packages (of two each) in the refrigerator.

If I make it to church tomorrow, I will have two of them, with eggs, on the griddle, when I return.  If I miss church, then I will just have them when I wake up.

So tired.  It took a lot longer, and more energy, than anticipated.  Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  This was a definite extension of anticipation.  Still, it is done.  It is hitting 23:14.  Way late, for bedtime.  I did eat well tonight.  And am set to eat well for a while.  I have groups of good stuff.  Frozen, fresh, ready, and waiting.

I didn't get oranges, and just didn't think lemons would work?  Well, they probably would have, for zest.  And I didn't have fresh (or any) cilantro for the guacamole (not from not looking, it just wasn't avaialble).  Still, it is what it is, and isn't, wasn't, and probably won't be, too bad for not having this or that, exactly.  I may add lemon zest to the patties tomorrow.  Curious, now.

Goodnight.

Quite a task.

.

.

As it turns out, getting the shower, dressed, and to town, really did me a job.  Still, glad I got in.  I am set for a goodly while, mostly.

Thirty pounds of ground pork butt, in two pound packages.  Two of those out, ready to be turned into sausage, and maybe right on into patties.  As well, one package of knuckle meat, which turns out was the secondary roast I had selected.  I didn' realize top sirloin was knuckle meat.  Only... I did?  Yes, but I never put the two together.  I knew where it was from, but didn't think of it terms of being on the knuckle of the knee.  Even though I knew it came from there?  :p

So, tonight, I will make about a half a pound of that into beef tartar.  The woman helping me also suggested that the round roast is good for that, perhaps better because it doesn't have seems, and sinue?  Some such.  Which, is good to know.

There was a bit of a mistake.  I had been sure to ask about the price, and been told $4.49 a pound.  I am sure of it.  But, when I got there, the knuckle... top sirloin... was $6.99 a pound?  I... just couldn't do that.  I felt ashamed, but my budget... couldn't do nearly double.

But, first, I had thought I was ordering roasts, but had been about to receive steaks.  Far too chewy for steaks, and already too thin to make thinner.  No good way to cut it, that I could see.

I... was really embarassed.  I was about to just put those three roasts back, after they had been replaced instead of the steaks.  I wasn't going to cry, but my face either went pale or red, or maybe both.  If my expression conveyed embarrassment, not anger.  It happens.

They made it all good.  Got me the roasts, priced them what I had been quoted.  I promise, that is what I was told.  Though... mistakes happen.  I was quite grateful.  And... now... can have both roasts for thin cut, and one for tartar tonight.  I have lemon, lime, jalapeno, capers, gherkins, and a few other things should I choose.  Probably just going with lemon, a bit of jalapeno, capers, and of course extra virgin olive oil.  Mouth is watering.

After that, I would like to get the sausage put together.  Just all, tonight, probably simple italian spice blend, salt, pepper, and fennel seed.  Nothing fancy.  Two pounds of that.  I may fry one small patty, after blending the rest, to do a taste check.  Getting just the right amound of salt and pepper is a trick.  Best to approach from too little than too much, of course.

I don't always like me.  But when I am working with food?  I... like me.  Curious, inquisitive, constructive, creative...  I used to only enjoy cooking, and else, because I liked eating and my options were thin.  Now?  Now I truly enjoy the processes, start to stop, when I am able.

Yes, I bought regular baquettes.  I didn't have time to get the keto flours together, let alone make keto bread yet.  And, I... knew I am pushing it.  So... yes...  I'll make fresh garlic butter, slather that on, and get those going.  Then begin in on the meat part.  It should be much quicker to dice the meat than to roast the bread.

Oh, I did get some ingredients for salsa and/or guacamole.  I won't make that today.  Perhaps tomorrow afternoon.  But I did run a couple of large doses of rock salt through to pulverization, in order to ready the molcajete seasoned, or such.  Either that or rice... I just think rock salt would be better for a flavor imparting standpoint.

So... it might not be rocket science, but engineering can be backbreaking work!  Still, I don't mind.  Now to get some food, then on to bed.  I won't set up dishes, can't get to them before morning.  And, if I am to have a chance to make it to church, and get a shower first, I will need to have that open.  I can only do just so much.

But the next week is coming.  I... can finish the dishes, sweep the bathroom and hall to it, then mop.  Hit the kitchen table.  Clear the kitchen floor and probably at least sweep that.  Then, perhaps, mop.  I am hoping to get caught up, and again ahead by a goodly shot, this coming week.  While learning how to grill on the flattop.  Well, and set up flours, for various keto breads.

Yes, I was able to find affordable xanthan gum, and picked up guar gum to try with things.  Though I think that is more of a cold recipe thickener?  Perhaps they are partially interchangeable?  I'll... figure it out.  Just seemed like not a bad thing else to purchase.  I know both are used in keto recipes.

Ugh...  So tired though.  Another dose of painkiller?  Maybe.  Later, or even goodnight.  If... only to myself?  Who knows.

------------

I got busy, then forgot to post.  I... guess I'll post and late post.

------------

Done?  Well, almost.  I got the guacamole finished.  The set about making the beef tartar.  The guacamole was the simple, straightforward version, in the molcajete.  Oh, I... did buy corn chips too.

For the beef tartar, I only did a few things different.  Different from the directions I had, and different from each other.  In both I added nearly invisibly finely sliced yellow onion.  I like the strength.  Just a quarter of an onion between both dishes.  In the other, I added diced jalapeno.  I think I like the jalapeno better.  But both would work on any given day.

I rolled that roast up, and put it in the freezer.  It will be much easier to cut next time.  Still, I did fairly well.  I was happy with the size, chew, and flavor.  As for the baquettes, those were only so so.  Crisp enough.  Perhaps too much garlic?  I minced it, in the butter, with the stick blender.  Maybe too much garlic?  Maybe.  Still, it wasn't horrible, just a bit... much maybe?

Down it went, smoothly and well.  Next time I will add artichoke hearts, but leave all else the same... definitely including about half a jalapeno.  Maybe without bread, or with keto bread by then.  Very pleasant.  Do you have any idea how much that stuff costs, out on the town... assuming you can find it?  It was a small fortune, last time I had it.  And I definitely didn't get as much.  Wonderful.  Now for some guacamole and chips.

Exhausted.  It's about time to try to get to sleep.  Well, after some of the guacamole.  Yeah.  It's been a good day.  Later.

Getting there.

.

.

Not as quickly as hoped, but yes.  A few more recipes considered.  An ingredient list created.  Dishes washed, rinsed, hand dried, now air drying.  Four pee jugs cleared and cleaned.  Yes, I fall behind at times.  Still, doing better today.  The painpills are helping, slightly.  Make take another dose shortly.  Waterpills?  Not sure if they are really helping, but they aren't hurting, yet.

Not sure I will get everything on my list.   Not sure the sirloin tip roasts are still on sale.  Not sure I will be able to find jalapenos.  Not... sure xanthan gum will be available at a reasonable price.  But, I have the list.  And it will go with me.  I'll put it on my coat after finishing this post.

After all that, I need to shower.  Then get dressed.  I'd like to... did... get painkillers down.  Heavier painkillers earlier, lighter if all aspirin (and caffeine) this time.  If the heart is funky, I like to take aspirin, and a bit larger of a dose.  While I am not chewing them, the pain isn't that sort of pain.  Unless I've been having a mild heart attack for the last few weeks?  Nah.

I am also going to see if they have fresh knuckle meat.  I would like to make beef tartar tonight.  Oh, and limes.  I need that for other things.  Ugh.  Should bring home some small be goodly prizes.  Which should last me a reasonable amount of time.

While it may make me later to the store than suggested, I think the meat will be good.  And I can let them know I'll be just a wee later, so they don't worry.  But I would like to get the dishes put up before bringing groceries in.  As well, I would really like to clear off the freezertop.  There weren't that many dishes, so I just left the r.o. countertop device and stick blender kit and stand up there.  But, to get in, those things have to be moved.  It's nice having room before I bring in bags, or have to leave them out there while I tinker.

A good day.  I mean, I am getting to things.  But it is hurting me.  Ugh.  I'll live, probably.  And be set up for a couple of months, on a number of things.  Thanks be to God.  For much.  Even for my pain.  It... sometimes... is all I have.  Plus, when it is lifted, on those rare occasions, I... can truly enjoy the more.

A bit of a start.

.

.

As mentioned, meat was put on order.  Further, if they have sirloin tip roast still on sale, I will order four to six of those.  Hmm, may call in, just to check, have it ready if so.  Medium to small.  Wonderful flavor, if, as mentioned, chewey if cut too thick.

I just hit the dishes.  Then set them to a rinse, as I think they are clean enough.  In an hour, or so, I'll get in and pull them.  Perhaps rinse them hot, again, before hand drying them and putting them out.  By the time I get back, at the lastest, maybe before I go, I will get the dishes put up and the freezertop cleared elsewise, so as to put some of the meats in the deep, drop in, freezer.

With this, the chuck roasts, chicken, and burger from last month, plus maybe the sirloin tip roasts, there is a chance I should be set up for several months.  Possibly five months.  I am eating far less these days.  The only thing to have to keep up on, a bit, is fresh veggies.  But, even those, I don't eat all that much.  It's just a matter of having it be fresh enough when I want to eat it.  That and salad.

The heart hurts, again, deeply.  So I am taking painpills.  As well, I am hitting waterpills.  I seem to be holding onto far too much water these last few days, week?  It goes with the heart pains, I think.  It's just not doing as it should.  We'll see if the painpills work, and the waterpills.  Hoping tomorrow morning will be easier.  Will take more, tomorrow, with some hope, if needed... wanted.  Getting to a full church mass will be... a bit claustrophobic.  I'm not used to crowds.  But, I am getting back to things, or for now.  So... will make all efforts to get there.

Yeah.  I need to get a shower, after dishes.  Then set up the next and nearing last loads, of dishes.  If I can cook outdoors more often, I can really cut down on pots and pans.  Flatware is what it is.  I have tried disposable, but that doesn't work well.  For some things, I may attempt to use chopsticks?  That could really help.  

Will have to process the food more, in prep.  But that will often be for making several meals.  So it will still be easier.  I don't know.  But maybe.  I am truly getting excited about the flattop.  It's not perfect.  It won't do everything (such as roasts, if the egg type grill might do those so even less indoor cooking?).  I just think cooking outdoors almost exclusively would work, at least until I can get a vent hood in the kitchen.  Though, even then... outdoor cooking would be better.

Oh.  I still haven't gotten to mopping the bathroom and bathroom hall.  And I will have to sweep again.  Which reminds me... while I do have mesh door mats, I am thinking of obtaining another sort, a finer mesh sort, so as to scrape bigger bits, then the smaller bits, off at the door.  Once I get my floors up to snuff, especially if I resurface them, some of them, then I want to keep them up.  I may even obtain "bath shoes" in many sizes, for guests.  If I get things cleaned to that level, I will have no difficulty requesting shoes be removed.  Either to wear socks, or the bath shoes... which will be lysol'ed when being put back up.

Hmm?  Well, just thinking out loud, ahead of things.  I have plans.  Not sure they will ever work.  But... so be it.  The plans are good.  Whether solid, and a real future, time only will tell.

Oh, and maybe later today?  I will set up some of the keto flour.  So as to make keto bread, fast or slow.  I have several recipes I'd like to make in slight bulk.  I no longer have xanthan gum, so may look for that at the store.  I looked on amazon, but the price has gone crazy.  If it's that at the store, I'll go without.  Just skip that particular recipe, or find xanthan gum keto alternatives.  Damn.

I have the rest of the ingredients.  From egg protein to oat fiber, maybe wheat fiber.  And, of course, the main types of keto flours, two main... almond and coconut.  And some alternatives even to those, perhaps.  It's just a matter of doing it.  And I have been busing working, cleaning, cooking, getting to town shopping and to mass, so things have... just not been good enough, open enough, clean enough, to get to flour.  But... I think I am getting there.  Tonight, or tomorrow afternoon, I will set up larger batches of the dry mix for various (probably) keto bread/roll/bun/etc flours.  Yes, yes indeed.

Sure, I'll put the recipes up for... some of what is on my mind.  And some alternative recipe types which just include breading of sorts.  Oh... I need to get pork rinds, while at it too.  That can make a decent breading, or even keto panko!  Which... I truly love.  Both of those, really, depending on the meal type.

Oh? Yes.

.

.

I finally, whild unable to do much else, looked up some recipe ideas I have had in the back of my mind for some long time.  One thing at a time.

Up, an early late?

.

.

It is 9:25.  I looked at one clock, then another, finally checking my phone.  Yes, it is.  I haven't been waking until well after ten, sometimes after eleven, lately.  So exhausted.  The cold, the dark, all the running and doing (within my capacity, outside of it lately it seems).  So, this early of a wake is a surprise.  If I had gone to mass last night, I would have been still asleep?  I would have done it if I could have.

It is 34 out there this morning.  One of the first mornings it hasn't been still freezing in... I'm not sure there have been warmer days so far?  Oh, probably.  A few.  But not for a while, when sort of expected to boot.  Still, it's brisk even so.  A bit of a breeze, or it seemed.  And still partly cloudy at least.  It is what it is.

I had a headache most of the night.  Rolling this way, then that.  Adjusting the pillows.  Going to just one.  Moving that from here to there.  It was a rough night, in some ways.  I finally laid flat on my back for an hour?  Then eased over onto one side, then the other.  That seems to have worked.  For the last three or four hours I slept in slightly more comfort.  But the night was sort of shot by then.

Teeth brushed last night and this morning.  Since I am going out more often, I am trying to keep up on my teeth.  Brushing twice a day, morning and night.  I still miss, from time to time.  Sometimes going to bed far too tired, sometimes waking up without actually being yet awake.  But, mostly, I am hitting it.

Trash and recycling out, first thing this morning.  Rebagged the empties, while at it.  Added more oil to the infuser, and lit the candle for that.  Should help.  Taking out the trash can be a smelly business.  Was this morning.

The dishes should just need another quick scrub... for for gits and shiggles than need.  Then a rinse and dry, and then an air dry.  Having cleared and cleaned the freezertop, they will go right to it when I get that far.

Sleep was better last night.  But I have to admit, my heart continues to hurt in a dark way.  I keep honestly wondering if I am dying.  Having a plain kefir this morning.  Pretty tart, but I am getting used to it.  I only sweeten it once or twice a week now.  Much better for me, this way rather than sweetened.

After dishes, a shower I hope.  Then, maybe, the last of the dishes to set up and run through today?  I can hope.  The goal is to get to mass tomorrow morning.  I'm usually not a Sunday type, but this is an important mass.  Trying to step up, keep up.  Obligations don't... aren't... so much an obligation for me.  The dying... not much expected of us, nor can there be.  I can't even work, or I would be working.  God does know.  Given what I believe I have seen, and where I have been, I wouldn't try to pull one over on God.  I do what I can.  He knows.  He knows I push, mostly.  Not past my will, beyond my flesh.  He lends strength to do even what I do.  Including just my next breath often.  All good.

Not sure I can make it, but will be set up to give it a try.  

So weak, tired.

.

.

I can't believe how feeble I have become.  I don't know how it happened.  Is it the heart, or oxygen problems, maybe something else?  I simply don't know.  I keep trying.  And, sometimes I can do some things.  But I am losing ground fast.

I did get to the grill.  Not a lot.  Starting it up.  Doing a bit of seasoning.  And, since it looked good, smelled okay, and seemed right, I did cook, roughly, a plain omelet and some thin cut pork chops.  Then I cleaned it, then lightly oiled it.  I have bacon I may work up tomorrow.  And another batch of eggs.

I bought a lot of eggs when I was at the store last, with this in mind.  Mostly to practice.  No, it isn't as good of eggs as my usual.  But, the bulk buy will allow me much more practice.  I also bought ham, which is in the freezer.  Just a small block of it.  As well, hashed potatoes with which to make hashed browns.  Perhaps combining into a potato, ham, and cheese omelet.  Or... egg fry.

I let it cool, then shut it up, and down, for the night.  It was... interesting.

As well, I hit the freezertop.  While I didn't wash the dishes, I reset them to a hot soak.  Hoping to get that cleared tomorrow.  Then get a shower.  Can't make it to church.  I am really hurting.  Too tired, a bit ill.  Hoping to rest up, do some small bits of work, and be ready for church on Sunday.

Feeling so bad.  The cold may have made things worse, but it wasn't the main problem.  Sleeping cold might have, though, been a part of the problem.  It got down to 52 up there.  Where it has been mostly 57 to 63 upstairs.  So, that... might have messed me up.  Thankfully I did figure out how to start the furnace, and it started easily enough.

Oh, I could slice some of the little remaining of the roast, grill it, with cheese and onion.  Yes.  I would like to get as much practice, as quickly as possible.  Working with veggies, meats, buns/keto breads, and cleaning the various things off while seasoning along the way.  The flattop is much like my carbon steel pans.  Only much more open, easier to flip things, plus it doesn't put grease and oil into my air/kitchen/home.  I am really hoping to cook more outdoors than inside.  My guess is it is cheaper, as well.  Electricity has gone crazy expensive.

Well, on to bed.  Goodnight... to no one, since I don't think anyone actually reads.  Might show up, not sure... I should let them, if so.  If they aren't saying anything, they are just spying.  We'll see.  Later.  Goodnight... whatever.

Can't make it to church today.

.

.

Just too tired.  I needed to wash dishes, take a shower, then get to town.  I... never even got dishes going.  Or yet.  Will still try.  There is hope.  But it is a bit late to make it to town for mass.  While I could still, perhaps, make it to the store, I am not sure I will, or would if I could.  Making it to town would be good, but not sure.  I still have to do dishes, clean the freezertop, get a shower, reset dishes for a rinse (I hope they are clean enough this time), then set them to air dry.

I never quite got over the exhaustion from the cold sleep last night, and cold run this morning.  Oh, and the clouds are back, darkening the world.  Just as soon as I get feeling better, by the world warming or sun shining, it goes dark and cold, and I crash.  So be it.

Still, planning to make a stab at dishes.  And cleaning the freezertop.  Then getting a shower.  But will I be able to finish the dishes?  Dress to get to town?  Maybe cook a meal?  I don't know.

I have also been looking at looking for things to work on the grill.  A water bottle, perhaps.  A container for fat, or bottle for oil.  I could use light olive oil.  It isn't perfect, but it's better than the seed oil options.  As well, I'd just like to get out and tinker on it.  Just... because.  But, if I liked what I saw, I might even grill a meal.  If... things worked out well enough.

I've been eating grapefruit the last few days.  Bought fresh, and quite good.  The first one I ate in the more civil way... slicing it in half, then cutting the tenders.  The other two I simply peeled and ate in sections.  I much prefer the section consumption.  You do have to get your hands dirty, but that's fine by me.  I haven't had one in... years.  Three, four, five?  It's been a while.  I sure enjoyed.

I'll game a bit, turn up the furnace in order to attempt to warm in order to get on the dishes.  Have a bit of kefir.  Love that stuff, perhaps reset it if there is space, or eat another dose later to make room.  Maybe make a french press coffee in a bit, which also warms me, and gives me a little goose to get going.

I will pray, even if I can't make it to church.  I can only do what I can do.

It looks like someone might be visiting.  Can't be certain.  They aren't leaving digital tracks that make sense.  Some of the tracks look like they could be mine.  Though... I have doubts about that.  But some of them aren't... mine, for certain.  Never can tell.  There were some people who were given access, last time I cut out.  Not sure if they would remember, or know how to access.  It's been a while.  I just don't know.

Very rough morning.

.

.

I... couldn't wake up.  Had to really push.  Sassy was downstairs bawling, meowling, her fool head off.  I checked the clock.  Almost ten?  Why?  Why was I having such a difficult time waking?  I didn't know.  But I woke and started something small, upstairs.

The shoelaces arrived.  And, with what else I had bought, I looked them over.  The ones I bought at Al's weren't up to snuff.  Nylon?  Or something.  Good for some things, perhaps better for hiking when in rain, or through streams?  Or... something.  But, no, not what I wanted.

The ones from amazon seemed a bit better.  Not as good as the original, but better than Al's, and longer but not too long.  Ugh.  It's... as good as it will do for now.  So, I put the 55 or 56 inch laces on the Keen boots.  And, yes, it works.  But, rather than using any of the new, I used the old boot laces on the Keen shoes.  The boot laces are a few inches longer, so worked perfectly on the shoes.  I may see if Keens sells laces.  Afraid of the costs, to be sure.  But they are fantastic laces, just too short for what they come with.

All done.  Started and finished.  Wore the boots today.  Got downstairs.  Fed Sassy first off.  Then browsed the web a bit, and began gaming.  Something was just off.  I felt so cold!  Turned the furnace up, from 70 to 74.  Nothing, it just didn't seem to help, at all.

Then the doorbell rang.  Unusual, but I went and looked.  A package.  The metal lid for the flattop grill.  Between that and the burlap cover, it should help me keep that in better shape.  As I was going through the house, to get out and put that together, I checked the thermostat.  It was indicating 74, but reading... 61?  What the...

I decided to go look in the basement.  Perhaps the filter is filled already, or maybe the furnace was off?  Or...  I... didn't know.  I didn't know what to look for either.  But, to it.  Down I went.  Okay.  It was the furnace.  She was off.  The flip of a switch and she was back to it.  Ah...  It still took a bit, but it did warm after a bit.  Further, when it hit 74, after being so cool, I turned it down to 72.  Which was almost too warm even then, until I got used to it.

Then out to put the lid together for the flattop.  It either went this way, or that way.  There is, technically, a right and wrong way.  Though it would work either way, just that the writing on it would be the wrong way.  Too tired to think it through, so I just... flipped a coin (not literally).  And it worked out.  Then I installed it over the flattop, put the tarp back over the whole kit, and there she be.  It is sunny out, 

Or... was.  Clouds are back!  Gah!  So I may figure out a place to put it, under somewhere.

But, first, I need to do dishes... at least give them another shot.  Then set them out so that I can shower.  Hoping to make it to another mass today.  Probably not tomorrow.  But, then, Sunday too.  While I didn't make it much this week, I am making up for it.  No guarantee about today, but that is the plan.  Then a small bit of shopping.

I have a friend, in the KoC, and church, who has difficulties.  One of them, as with all bachelors, is keeping up on the house.  Cooking causes a mess.  Oil spatter, smoke, cooking smells.  For me, this flattop grill, along with the regular grill (once I get coals again), together will allow me to do a lot of my cooking outdoors.  I'll, mostly, if I used the oven, use it for a warming box... well, and roasts.

Winter or summer, I can use the grills most of the time.  Even if I am cold, cooking is a warm project.  And, I... seem to tolerate the cold well, for short spits anyway.  I may have to suggest this to him.  Even let him practice with it, to see if it works for his needs and wants.  

Sure, there is an initial outlay.  And there are ongoing costs, in propane.  But the savings on electric (which is crudely too high these days) and the ease of cleaning and else, a flattop might well pay for itself, especially while keeping the house cleaner, and allowing less expensive foods.  Yes, it does cost as much as an inexpensive oven.  But it is far more versatile, especially with the grill on this one.

When can I get to seasoning the grill?  I can't be sure.  I'll want the weather to be better.  I'll want to be in better shape... not so exhausted.  I just don't know.  This coming week, sometime.  I'd love to do it today.  Probablem is, I don't have the lard or other fat I prefer.  No, I won't use canola, rapeseed, grapeseed, or other processed oil.  NO!  I need lard or tallow, non-hydrogenated.  I may look in the store.

Could use bacon?  I don't think that works.  It needs the processing oils burned off.  Could put bacon on raw.  Get the fats from that.  But, the bacon would be a loss (to my mind, I wouldn't use it).  Have you priced bacon recently?  Yea, no.  So, I will look.  I do have tallow as said coming.  But it won't be here until Monday.  Scratch that, Thursday.  I want to at least be able to get to it before then.  Which means I'd still like to see about finding lard or tallow locally, that is quality, unhydroginated, perhaps even today.  I dont' worry about it being grass fed/finished, or non-gmo.  Don't give a shoot about that.  Just unhydroginated, and without any extra chemicals... just rendered fats.  Nothing more.

So tired.  Even now that I am warmer.  Not sure I can make it today.  It's already 13:00.  I'll hit the dishes, work on the freezertop, then see if a shower can be taken and if I can make it to mass this afternoon.  I'm... certainly trying.

I did get in.

.

.

Mass, at 17:00.  Oh, I wasn't sure I was going to make it.  I was falling asleep in my chair from noon to 15:00.

I didn't get much more done.  I did reset the tarp out there.  It wasn't a lot of work, but some.  I used hiking poles as spreaderes, from on top, along with bungee cords.  Really, I got it to much better shape.

Why so tired?  I can't say.  It wasn't what was done earlier.  I had done very little, only helped.  Was so tired before and after anyway.

Still the grill is put together, and moved somewhere better.  The sun was out, and no rain or snow today for the first time in... I... can't remember.  Two weeks?  It seems like it.  But it is still cold out there.  I think it got up to 28, but just for a short bit.  Then it went back down to the 24 as of when I left, I think.  If it remains 24 as I returned.

I did do a bit of shopping.  Oh, and I got the laser thermometer working.  I ordered one.  With the help of my helper, the thing now works.  I will give him this one.  Now I know how to fix them in the future.  Another one is on the way anyway.  I'll keep this one until the new one arrives though, so I can experiment with the flattop grill.

So very tired.  It's just about 21:00.  I think I'm going on to bed.  I'll leave the door downstairs closed tonight.  I've let Sassy up the last few nights.  I need a break.  Especially if I am going to try to make a few more masses this weekend.  Tomorrow and Sunday is my plan.  Yes.

I am so glad to be back in church.  Even if it is difficult, I like being back in, getting the Eucharist, praying, and participating.  I am learning things.  Not sure if memory will stick.  But... I'll do what I can.  I will begin looking for ways to know what songs are to be sung, how the mass goes, and such.  So I can participate more fully.  As is, I am lost in there.  Everybody had to start somewhere, or restart.  Amen.

Help... helped.

.

.

I woke, but was not moving fast or well.  Even then, it took a text to get me going at around eight.  Eighteen after.  Awake?  Am now.  But just barely.  I don't think I went down until around 21:30 give or take small change.  If memory serves.  I slept okay, but with the fistfull of waterpills still working from early in the morning, I peed all night.  Filled a three liter pee jug.  So didn't sleep perfectly.

And I am tired this morning.  It was a difficult world this morning, and last night.  Legs are like pins and needles, burning ones.  When the skin retracts, after having been bulked out with fluids, it hurts.  Just as while it is ballooning.  So, between gaining and losing water weight I definitely go through foot, ankle, and leg pains.

Still, I... got up, dressed, and was ready.  I asked that he bring rolls, potato rolls.  I sliced some of the roast thinly enough for sandwiches... which were had when we finished.

We... mostly he... got the furnace arranged so that it holds the filter correctly.  There is just a bit of wiggle, if I think that is normal.  I may work on adding cardboard shims to tighten that up.  And I will look for more new filters.  I used the last one I had anyway.  And those need to be changed every three to four months.  I will probably go with a mid-tier merv.  See how that works.

After that, we got to the flattop.  I had obtained two new propane tanks.  One is fresh, the other seems to have been replaced with an old one, and empty.  Oh well.  But, the grill is together.  I helped, in small ways.  He doesn't like help, usually.  But, when I help, it usually... is works out well.  I really couldn't do much today, but I could hold the cart at a better angle for assembly, and a do a few other minor things.

I was honestly having difficulty standing for as long as I did, while he tinkered today.  I am very tired, worn.  My legs are burning from standing.  Not... sure why.  I was totally exhausted by the time we finished.  The mushrooms and sandwiches worked well.  Homemade mayo, and mustard.  Which he thought were okay.  He passed on the mushrooms... more for me.

I'm having a bit of kefir to finish off lunch.  Then?

I don't know.  So very tired.  I have dishes I would like to run through.  But the freezertop being cleared and cleaned first is a requirement.  Then, perhaps, a shower?  A trim before that?  There is a mass tonight.  I am hoping to make it.  It seems there are many special masses to the end of the week and on through to Sunday, of course.  I am going to try to make it to two or three.  I know, required.  I also know, if I can't stand, I can't get to church.  And... that is difficult at the moment.  Not sure what is wrong, but... will... try to push on through.  If I can make three masses, I... will be happy.  And, I am back in good standing, so it does mean something.

It was 24 out there, last I looked.  The sun is out though.  Shining nicely, on a frigid (for April) day.

I need to get the house cleaned back up.  I have let the kitchen fall, but I was doing things.  And I have worn myself out fairly terribly.  I'll keep at things.

I did figure out the tarp, as I may have mentioned?  It is up, out there.  But I brought all else in.  I think the new straps are due to arrive today.  For the hammock.  We'll see.  With it not snowing, and blowing, I may try to get out there.  I'll rig a pee jug up, too, so that it hangs, and I can just use it almost like a hanging urinal, pull it inside the flaps for privacy.  Yea.  This time, though, I will try to rig the hammock, sleeping bag system, and underquilt much more correctly... and lower.  Tiptoeing it out of the hammock, while having to pee, in the dark, cold, and sometimes windy and wet?  No thank you.  Still, I... think I could really enjoy sleeping out there.  Fresh air is wonderful, if nothing else.  Though maybe the air filter will really help.

Sore, tired.  My heart hurts today, for some reason.  I was good yesterday, but it has been bad for a long time before.  I really wonder if I am about to die.  This is... worse than even what I am used to.  I don't think it would be a bad thing.  But, I'll leave it up to God.  

Tomorrow?

.

.

Will find out soon enough.  That is the plan.  Setting up the grill, looking at the furnace filter area, and perhaps checking out some notions regarding the new tarp, with the boxable ends.  Well, and showing off just a bit.

While I have backslid, on the house, in some areas, I have gotten ahead in others.  Oiling and greasing this and that.  Getting the new rollers in on the garage door.  Clearing the bathroom and bathroom hall, and sweeping.  I may mop in there yet tonight.

There are a few other things that have been improved.  I had hoped to have more done, but I needed today as a mostly off day.  And I took it off, mostly.  By Saturday, I am hoping to have the things listed done... if those won't really be noticeable.  But, too, get the kitchen table cleared, and maybe clearn the kitchen floor, and get it swept.  Maybe the hallways too... and laundry room/hall?  We'll see.

I am doing well.  Even today, I have done things.  Little things, but with solid improvements.  If I can get the freezertop cleared and cleaned, the dishes that are in there finished, and the laundry dried and checked yet tonight, I... will have done a pleasantly mild but solid day.

I... don't know how this is working.  It really was hurting yesterday, but I am doing well today.  Yes.  And, next week, even more.  The problem I have with the kitchen, and hallways/laundry room area, is where to put things!  Ugh.  I'll see what I can do.  Though, I have a lot more space up here, in this front room.

Those things would crowd this room back up, but would leave those areas clear.  So... as I sort things, that might not be bad?

I also checked swimming times.  Lap times are a lont way off, or right on, the mass time.  I might be able to make it in for the half hour swims, if I can get in right away.  Or I will have to figure out other ways, take much more time in between swimming and mass.  I don't want to have to drive home.  Too expensive.  Perhaps I could hit the library, or just read something I have, or... I don't know.  Trying to find cheap timekillers for between swimming and mass, if I end up needing three or four hours.  Ugh.

Oh, I didn't find my swimming gear though.  So... not tomorrow.  Swimming anyway.  But, maybe mass?  Depends on how long the efforts take.  Not sure... when, just in the morning.  Easy for me, since I have been waking around five to seven.  Ugh.  I'll try to get to bed as soon, and shortly, as possible.  So waking will be easier.  But I'm not hurting, so perhaps I won't need a twelve hour sleep tonight?  We'll see.

The waterpills really helped.  I voided a lot of fluid.  I would guess I zipped out a gallon and a half, or more.  That, too, has helped me feel better.  I may do three more pills tomorrow.  Then go back to normal.  Not sure why it was being held, but will take care of it.  Compression socks, the pills, and drinking as much as I need to as well.  I don't want to be choking on thirst to lose that water.  Tricky business.

The flattop grill arrived two days early.

.

.

No worries there.  Always good to have it arrive early.  But, there isn't a good shot at getting it together solo.  I had to get the heavy duty appliance dolly to move it from the front porch to the back.  Way to heavy.  Even that was a trick.  Just getting it up, then leaning it back onto the cart was... some effort.

I am checking about help on some things.  Looks like, perhaps, tonight or tomorrow morning.  Get the flattop going, then perhaps begin figuring out the furnace.  Yes.  That should help a lot.  A lot of dust in there, so it will never be perfect without pulling it and redoing things.  But... it... will help, for now.  Oh, and I may see if he might be interested in adding a humidifier to the unit, or even consider helping install a new unit later this year... say before fall?  It might or might not be something he would be willing to do.  This would give him time to review the technicals, and see if this might be doable for him, or not.

I think, with central air, that would absolutely have to be done by a pro.  It would be a fresh, first, installation.  Unlike the furnace, which would be a replacement.  I could pay him a hefty fee, and still save a ton buying the unit and helping.  Perhaps.  I may get a quote, however, just to make sure.  And, let them know, I am looking at doing it myself.  See if they wouldn't come down some.

Risk?  Reward.  Risk is what it is, as is reward.

I did hit the dishes again.  Not sure that will be enough.  Will find out in an hour or so.  That is the majority of the remaining dishes.  Still some more, but bigger items.  Need to hit the freezertop.  When I sliced the beef yesterday, a lot of blood ran.  I cleaned, but not enough.  I'll get that tonight, so I can do some food things tomorrow.

The sun came out!  Earlier.  I just went to look out and enjoy and...  Clouds closed back in, plus it started snowing again.  Oh well.  I did get to see the sun for just a spot today.  Yes, yes that helps a good deal.

I am hoping to finish dishes.  Oh, and I need to put the wash to going.  Then get that dried yet tonight.  I am thinking a bit more of the roast, sliced thinly, with a twice baked potato.  Yeah.  Any other work?  Maybe to mop the bathroom and bathroom hallway.  That would be good.

Just a few lighter things.

.

.

While I did change out the rollers, for the garage door, there were a few bolts missing.  I asked someone to pick those up, if he had an opportunity.

As well, I hadn't oiled the wheels and stems, so I went looking for spray oil, silicon spray, or deep penetrating stuff.  Which I ended up finding, both the latter.  Which coveres the former most as well.  Deep pentrating oil is still... just oil.  So, I grabbed that and went out.

The problem?  I got the door lock, for the garage door, working.  However, the handle on the outside doesn't work.  Or is locked and I don't have the key?  So... I had to try to use the side door.  But, the lock on that was really giving me fits.  It didn't want to let go.  I did give it a bit of a spray, but it didn't really help.  Still, I got it.

Then in, I sprayed the garage door tracks, and the wheels, plus the bars going to the wheels from the elbow joints on the garage door.  Wee!  Now she spins.  I had thought it was just here weight, the garage door.  But, no, this really makes lifting it a breeze.  

Then I went back to the deadbolt on the door.  Locked that, unlocked.  Still pretty tacky.  So I hit it here, there, front, back, worked it while spraying, after it was sprayed.  Gave it a bit more.  Hoping it will improve.  Still a bit sticky, if not as bad.  Tells me it probably isn't just the lock mechanism.  The bolt may be dragging, the door may be hanging, something else is causing physical friction or blocking.  I've done what I will for that for today.

Though, while with the oils, I went around to all the doors.  Several locks and other security devices have been tacky.  I gave everything and it's uncle a spot of oil, some working around, and testing.  Seems good, for now.  It's as much as I will do for now.  Happy with it.

Before all that, though, I got the dishes which had been soaking a shot.  A lot of grease in it, so they will need another soapy soak and wash.  Hopefully that will be enough.  I'll find out in an hour or two.  I'm not pushing today.  I am taking it slow.  Sounds like work, but it was all, mostly, rather easy.  Even lifting the garage door, at this point, was easy... easier.

Not sure, if it arrives soon, whether I will get to the kitchen sink drains or not today.  Though, if I do, I will probably only start out with one.  Make sure it fits.  If it does, and is watertight with the method I use... after several days... then get to the other one.  If not, send them back.  Hmm, sounds like everything just showed up.  Goody.

Bits and pieces.  Not a bad day, for a light day.  I need lots of breaks.  I tire very easily.  But, my heart hasn't given me much fuss today.  It isn't straining, hurting, or excessively tired.  But I don't want it to get to that point either.  A nice, level, easy, day.  Oh... one load of laundry.  Something I need to test, make sure it works for me.  I'll bring in the deliveries, get the laundry going, then do some gaming.

Lost.

.

.

Losing?  Losing.  Don't know where it went.  Hips to ass?  Fifteen pounds, gone.  Odd.  I am not dieting.  If I am eating differently.  More kefir, or... a regular amount.  More like a quart or so a day.  More meat, in the diet.  Though not excluding veggies completely.  Salads, of various sorts... fresh veggies steamed or raw with salad dressing or hummus.  Still, mostly meat.

As well, I have cut coffee and tea intake.  Stronger, but less.  About four dosers during a day, maximum.  Trying to cut back more to two or three.  Using a french press to make it just so.  As well, trying to eliminate sweeteners, mostly.  A sweetened drink a day, every other day.  And, using less.  Even keto sweeteners have limits.  So, the less I use the better.

It was a nice surprise to see yesterday.  If, as I suggested, my diet isn't for weight loss.  I have given up on that.  Who knows, it may all come back next week.  It... can do that.

A few tools and parts are arriving today, if... what has been suggested by the sellers is correct.  Parts for the kitchen sink, a tool for the bathroom tub (the replacement parts for that will be next month), and a few other things.  Not sure I will get to those today, but hopefully yet this week.

The flattop grill is supposed to be here Friday.  Depending on the time it arrives, I will attempt to assemble it when it arrives.  If it is too late, I'll try to get it together Saturday.  I want to stop at the store before then, pick up non-hydrogenated fats... either lard or preferably tallow.  Not sure if they will be available.  Could use butter.  Don't trust storebough ghee.  Every type I have bought, from regular stores to "health food stores", the ghee has been mixed with other oils, and probably the kind you really don't want to eat (seed oils, or soy).

I should get to making ghee.  As the house is coming together, doing things like that, and rendering tallow and lard should be easier.  I'd like to have, say, six pints of each of those fats.  I could do bacon greese, but I'm not sure that is the best either.  Although, with a flattop grill, it will be vastly easier to obtain bacon grease than from a pan.

I have two propane tanks.  Might, through the summer, buy a few more.  Four would give me some solid cooking time.  Six would be better, but... so much money.  Though, over time, possible.  Then I could cook outdoors much more often.  Use the oven, more often than not, for a heating box while cooking various foods.  Though roasts will always require the oven.  Or the charcoal grill.  Hmm, I need more charcoal though.  I have run out.  Cooking outdoors will help with the house a great deal.

Yea.  Life seems to be coming back into bloom.  I am not waiting for spring to... spring.  I am just going to bulldoze my way through, even if I don't feel like it, it seems.  I am amazed the weather hasn't wiped me.  More light, even if I haven't seen the sun in... a week?  Two now?  It's been a while.  And it remains cold.  It was 24, hit 28 just now.  Might get up to the low to mid 30s yet today.  But that is still very cold for April 5th!

Still, if I can push on through, and keep things up, I will get going.  I will try to stay with it.  I will rest when needed, push when I can.  And, really, I am doing well.  Even if I get the sense death may be close.  Pushing too hard, but I can't... stop.  I didn't do because I couldn't to this point.  Now I can't slow it down.  Something is pushing me forward, through pain, exhaustion to the point of suffering, bruising, and else.  I... can't stop.  Well, I suppose, if I die I will stop... here.  I think I'll be busier dead than I even could have been alive.  Just... the way things go.  But, I am looking forward to it, oddly.

A twelve hour sleep.

.

.

Much needed.  I pushed too hard recently.  Beyond physical exhaustion, the heart is so worn I have some concern.  As well, fluid was drastically collecting in my legs, ankles, and feet.  While compression socks back on, if after only a day off, I will take a few remaining waterpills today.  Say three.  And, if that doesn't do what is needed, five tomorrow.  No, I just went with five today.  And, probably, three tomorrow.  Then that should be good for a while.  

I checked first thing, outside, this morning.  It is 24 F.  It looks like some snow came down last night, but almost nothing stuck (to the driveway, difficult to tell out in the yard).  The driveway remains very clear, if not 100%.  Still around... 85 to 95 percent clear.  And what has snow just has a very light dusting sticking to it, along edges.

A few last orders coming in.  Some for the flattop grill, which itself is supposed to arrive Friday.  Some for the hammock gear, improved equipment.  Then I'll be on a financial diet for the month.  But I will have some things to tinker with.

Oh, after putting the garage door rollers in, I'll need to look around for oil.  Just a light coat of something or other.  I may do more tinkering with the folding doors, upstairs.  I really hate that they aren't well squared.  I think the bottom hinge plate on the left side is too low.  Maybe both of them are too low.  Not... sure they did anything but shove them in, at ground level, and call it good.

I will be receiving new drains for the kitchen sink, as well.  And a few other parts and pieces.  Those will go in when I can, probably yet this week, maybe yet today.  And I received a sheet metal bending tool, in order to tinker on the part of the furnace ducts which contain the filter.  It doesn't stay in there well.  I'd like to get that sorted.  Other parts and pieces are also arriving, in my final orders.  I may be able to really get some things sorted.  Little things, but things which have been on my mind for a long time.

While I hold my breath until next month, I will be trying to get the house clean, get to mass, and get back into the pool.  Something I will do today is find my swimming gear, get it washed.  Find a carrier for the goggles and such.  And have it all ready, while getting my mind ready.  I am hoping to be in to both mass and swimming soon.  Oh, I best check the swimming schedule, to see what would be the best times.  I can do that first thing.

On to my day.