Awake and still aware.

.
.

My first day on medicine has left me rather unscathed.  Then again, quite often, starting medicine is akin to boiling slowly.  By the time any indication is realized that getting out of the pot is noticed, it is far too late.  Slowly sinking is okay, for my part.  What isn't is that sudden realization that I have no clue what is going on.  I've been there often enough that it isn't quite so bad.  But there is nothing, not even thousands of times going down, that can quite prepare you fully.  You must go through the horrors of it, almost fresh, every time.  For one thing, you can't remember such things well.  For another, while you are in that, you can't remember the past times at all, save some odd sense of deja vu .  At least I know I don't go all apeshit.  Some do, every time, or even once in a while.  Those types don't make it long.  Suicide or criminal mischief takes them out early.  Then again, the only reason I am alive is because I outlived the suicidal behaviors in what I claim to be a miraculous manner.  I will suggest not to even think about trying to do what I did, at home or otherwise.

Now, as I have mentioned, it is not that I am doing great, or even good.  What I have to lose is the slim ability to mostly be awake for a full normal day.  I have zero ability to function.  The will, want, interest, are there.  The ability simply doesn't exist.  I am, for example, hoping to get trash out tom... today.  It is Sunday, isn't it.  I've looked at that several times today but the knowledge doesn't always stick.  I sometimes still think it is Friday, or Saturday, or... hell... Tuesday?  Why not, what's the difference.  And yet it will probably get worse.  Empty, hollow, a ghost with flesh if quite unaware of it.  Sometimes I won't even be aware that I am, that I have been, or that there is such a thing as tomorrow.  It becomes an infinity in a moment that never ends, or begins, or even is.  I can't explain it better.  You probably have never been there.  If you have, you know exactly what it is like, if you can recall.  As with funazushi, if you have had it you won't forget and there is nothing else quite like it.

And while there is this, the truth is to fight you must sense, feel, and have enemies and hopefully allies.  The truth, here, soon, is more as follows.

I will do what I can and make do.  At least I know what it is and that while it will be getting worse that it will get better.  The first times I went through it, it was more like a very bad version of the Groundhog Day movie.  There simply wasn't a successful way to get to a better ending, no way to live, no way to die, and the rest of the world was telling me to just brave through, get up, and get going.  Huh?  Yeah.  At least they have finally backed off, mostly.  I've made it this far, and it is about, when the opportunity is there, getting back up.  Actually, I am doing that by first going further down.  Shifting gears, a step back for two or three forward.  All good.  Later, maybe.