Not bad, at all.

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Sure, I'm not getting to things, but that isn't new.  Yes, bedtimes are a bit harder hitting.  But sleep is good, waking this morning was good, I am still doing days, though I need to try and watch that.  It is getting a bit dry and stretched at times during the day.  Still, so far, I think I can take that.  And I am going to keep going as well and long as I can.

I thought, last night, to write a post filled with bravado.  That didn't work.  I then crashed a bit as bedtime approached and I thought about doing just the opposite.  But that also didn't work.  While I do write strange things, they have to be in line with the realities on the ground, or for the future, as I see and feel and otherwise sense them.  That doesn't make what I write true.  It makes what I write as accurate and precise as my proverbial eye, non-logical aspects, and mind, all together, can grasp.  I have been wrong, for any number of reasons.  Once.  I have also been unable to 'see' clearly.  But I haven't written what I don't see.  That's as close as I get to not being bought and sold in this media.

No, I am just floating down the river.  My boat is not hitting the white-water, it is not foundering, it isn't hung up in the shoal.  It is just drifting.  It is still going in the right direction, facing the right way.  My fear is reasonable, just... early.  I keep looking for a way through, a way to automatically helm the craft for when I am not able.  A way to make myself able, to keep my hand on the controls.  I have thought, and am, attempting to loose my own Kraken, to get my monster from the deep to lend it's strenght.  Durden.  He has his uses.  Then again, for all I know, it is that aspect which is keeping me as afloat and operational as I am.  Still, if he is doing so, he is doing so on his own.  Two minds, even working for the same goal but separately, couldn't be as potent as two working as one.  

I have never learned, exactly, how to contact that side of me.  My ptsd therapist did help me do some things there.  Now, for example, if stressed, "I" don't go away.  And I can remember things, as far as those have been tested anyway.  I am not shut out, mostly, if my conscious viewing window is much reduced.  I haven't been stress tested to the extreme, though the actual white-water "swim" and a couple of harsh wounds were rather severe.  Still, they didn't involve... darker involvements.  The thing is, even if I worked to get those open, by openly channeling to that aspect of myself, I never did feel like I had made contact.  It was like talking to a wall, or someone, some thing, behind it.  I received no confirmation, only allowances.  That is sort of irritating.  Still, I will be attempting to do similar, with this issue.  I have been working on it for several days, since when the notion came to me.  Okay, I actually did get something back regarding my initial attempts at contact.  I realized that I would be allowed to watch if I didn't try to interfere.  On the other hand I learned to trust it.  It's not a psycho, it handles stress well, and it pretty much knows what it is doing.  It's simple job is to survive.  Fair enough.  But in this situation?  I don't know.

I need incentive to go there, but the darkness I face is worth it.  I initially didn't trust that side of me, and when I finally learned that I could trust it I just never was in the kind of shape to think to ask it to help.  Yeah, it takes time.  And enough health has to exist to even think to tinker with these things in this way.  Plus, the darkness used to drop on me without any warning.  Right in the daylight of life and then in deep space, without so much as a 'pardon me'.  *bam*  Things have changed, it is time to try to go further.

Do I think it will work?  What, prey tell, do you think I think?  Still, it's there, I'll give it a whirl, and time will tell. Oh heck, at least I think there is humor in it.  A bit.  Later.