Sociopath?

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Have you ever been called such a thing?  Well, I don't know if I was.  But if I was, I actually...  Actually twice recently, maybe.  One in a general way, one in, if what I perceived was true, a rather specific and direct manner.  And, by people to whom I give some grant of merit.  No, just because I give some one such a thing does not mean I then take what they suggest at face value.  It merely means that I will look more seriously at a suggestion from that person, and will give them a little more room to flex their notions as a general rule.

All ears.  Well, not... ears... exactly.

Both are bloggers I have in my sidebar.  One even, if I read correctly, added the suggestion of narcissism.  Oh, hey, that isn't my advisory board, yet.  Their pictures sort of got lost in the shuffle.  Hope you don't mind?

A-hahaha!  Yeah, I resemble that.

Let us start with the least first, or to my notions.  Plus, it was only insinuated in one of the potential... suggestions.  I think?  Pushing my days around can disturb memory, and creates a lack of interest in exactitude...  Horse shoes and hand grenades simply must suffice, along with a 'near enough' recall.

So, narcissist?  Well, of course!  This is a no brainer.  The question is, is it an illness or a mechanism of my situation?  That can easily be debated.  I realize the world is about me.  I don't, however, believe the world rotates about me.  Basically I am stuck, not just in a glob of flesh, but also in a diminished mind, with limited travel, and extremely limited access to other people.  Further, and so it has been for longer than even some grown children of some people have been alive.  Which might also encourage some sociopathic  tendencies.  Simply, since I can't see, rarely interact, and barely know most people.  I can say something that is considered so over the line as to potentially cause a fight, save that real life really does make a difference.  David didn't really want to take Goliath, plus he had the kill option up front.  So, yeah, there is the self, but that is because that is about all I know.  So, no, I don't think I have narcissism as an actual illness, just a natural reaction to being stuck in a trap with my own stinky self for so long.  I am no more happy about it than you are, believe me.

Looks, give or take, about right.

I did review sociopathy.  There are a lot of ifs and buts about the thing.  There seem to be some rules about it.  Now, you can't actually diagnose yourself, but you can, assuming you are somewhat rational, have some insight, and have tried to see things clearly, take things a step at a time and do a self assessment.  So I did.  What I am seeing are some striking similarities, with some glaring failures.  Brutal.  Check.  But I fear for myself, my own, and others.  Just, if I have no choice, I will wade through the living and dead to get to where I need to be and do what I need to do so long as I am able.  And I have done so.  Not only do I have fear, if not in the moment always, but later, or before, and sometimes right in it, I will know shame, regret, empathy, sympathy, and not just for the innocents, but even for the guilty.  If anything, sometimes, that latter makes me... wonder about my sanity.  Even if I did everything as well as could be done, as right...  There will be some self-loathing.  Survival sucks, sometimes.  It hurts.  Well, that isn't hypothetical.

Some get it so very wrong, eh Sarah?

Oh, I'm also as charming as a snake and just about as charismatic.  At least I'm ugly.  That'll make up for it (or leave a mark).  As to rules?  Like I'm awake long enough to learn them, and prefer to know them before acting, so that I know if I want to risk breaking one... but I rarely know so I try to... be mellow.  Hold my breath a lot, until I can't.  So... maybe on that, and depends on the situation.  If I will kill to save, what, exactly, rules are absolute?  Only God's rules, or grace, worry me.  But they do worry me.  And lies?  When is a story a lie?  When is a dream, or a vision, a lie?  When it isn't true, when it wasn't true, or until it can't be true?  What if the point is the supposed truth, then does the rest of it have to be factual?  I could be a snake, I already have the charm of it down.  Then again, I've already declared that I was one.  The question is, were the reforms real?  Not my call there.

Now, if you will kindly go away.

Yeah, so... no... Probably not.  Well, not as in a "-pathy", in either case.  One is just the result of being mostly dead in a dying world with few contacts.  The other just ain't so, if my nature might resemble the thing at times.  But, yeah, I had to check.  A response came in that clarified things though.  It isn't sociopaths that women look for, it was suggested.  As I have noted here, on this blog, myself.  Women might not be able to tell the difference, but they look for whoever seems to be in charge.  Who, here, is king... they might as well say.  That, my friends, I am.  Priest, prophet, AND king, it is my due.  And I do wear that, as a child, of whatever nature, of God.  Only, there are limits.  I do not call the tune, I abide it... falteringly, failingly, even falsely, well, until the time where I might rightfully accept my duties, and responsibilities, and so begin to call the tune.  When I am ready.  But when I realize my mistake I head back to humbler grounds.  Like a man lost in the woods, I seek the last place where I knew where I was.  Not even successful always even then.  Eventually I found my way, as I am neither dead or in heaven, or hell.  And, even so, I think God wishes for us to take chances, to reach out, to explore.  He will be waiting for us, on either side, and is with us even when we are lost.  Quite a trick.  And when I grow up?  I think He will have taught me the trick.

Later.